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Coming Back To The Scene

September 2, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

sexy male Dominant with wooden paddle
via stock.adobe.com

For many of us, the past year or so has been a veritable desert in our kink worlds.  Those who had children at home or who live in apartments may have attempted quiet play, if we were in the mood for it, of course, since anxiety isn’t the best aphrodisiac.  Unfortuanately, with many of our kink spaces closing down or choosing to carefuly curate guests lists, there are a lot of people who are finally starting to resume their bdsm play.  I’ve heard a common refrain among them.

Most of the stories are of scenes going poorly, both people expecting to be able to resume their journeys exactly where they left off, only to discover that the top runs low on endurance while the bottom has a much lower tolerance for pain.  Overall, those factors make for an unsatisfactory scene, along with many thoughts and feelings of not being good enough or tough enough to satisfy their partner.  This seems to mostly be the case among more experienced or frequent heavier players that I have spoken to.  Newer or more casual players seem to have had less of an issue in this area.

For those who haven’t experienced this, either count your blessings or consider this a warning in advance. 

We build up tolerance over time, or perhaps a desire to experience that endorphin rush pushes us to greater heights, since our bodies become accustomed to anything we do with any regularity, whether it be working out, getting up early, or even receiving pain.  It makes total sense that the amount of impact or other intense play that someone can take at the beginning of their journey changes over time.  That was certainly the case for me.  We had a regular schedule and were meeting it consistently. 

Of course, that all changed last March.  Without access to our regular dungeon space, we felt less comfortable pushing some of those boundaries.  Additionally, neither of us was really in the mood for BDSM.  In fact, we were rarely in the mood for sexual intimacy, let alone any sort of pain play.  We were stuck in a house with family members stacked on top of one another, with no real safe place to go, plus dealing with anxiety.  Those are hardly the stuff dreams are made of. 

My story isn’t unique.  Many of the friends I have in my local community have expressed similar sentiments.  Their kink play went into hibernation for quite a while during 2020.  Once our local dungeon started opening for private reservations we began attending again, but unless we specifically planned to go in advance and paid for the rental, we would often find reasons to delay. 

In many ways I am quite lucky.  As someone who has done impact education, my partner happens to be well versed in play with newer bottoms.  Our first session back was one without any assumptions.  It had been at least five months since we’d done any serious impact, and he didn’t rush into anything.  He tried out lots of new impact tools we’d been collecting from a Maker friend of ours, including a PuckYou (I’m not a fan, it’s super stingy) and a Jawbreaker (opposite end of the spectrum and almost painfully thuddy).  We had a positive experience, because he was testing my responses to some of the newer gear, rather than expecting me to take impact that he’d been able to give me before.  We were even finally able to really get to try the whips he’d gotten as gifts that were definitely too long for the bedroom.  Across the room, members of our germ pod made their beautiful scene sounds and for a moment, the world was a happy place again. 

Santa’s method is pretty handy.  When he is working with someone who is an unknown bottom to him, or who has not had a scene with him in quite some time, he uses a numerical scale to determine where everyone is.  For example, he will swing a flogger at the lowest speed he can swing it without the falls being out of control, and he calls that his “one.”  He will ask the bottom on a scale of one to ten, how did that impact register to them.  If they also feel it is  one, he can continue, while checking in with them as he increases his force.  If their response is “six” to his “one,” odd are good that implement needs to be set aside for the time being, as they may not have a positive response to it.  

Others I have spoken with have not been as lucky.  They jumped back into their play after an extended break, some with the brevity of mine (five months), and others who did not play for a year or more.  They expected to splash right back into the deep end of the pool, only to realize too late that someone moved the diving board while they were away.  Frustrated and feeling insecure, I heard many stories of them trying to push through only to end in rather unsatisfactory scenes for all involved.

We forget, sometimes, when those born biologically female are dealing with their cycle of hormones, those things can change how they handle different types of pain.  So  add those hormonal changes into anxiety added into an extended period of time without play, and what we get is bodies with a very different tolerance on the other side of this pandemic.

So the first thing I would say to those experiencing this:  you are not alone.  There are a lot of people out there who are readjusting to their new normal and realizing their journeys are much different than they were.  The second thing I would say is give yourselves grace.  We’ve all been going through, and are still going through, an unprescedented event which makes for a very traumatized populace.  Be kind to yourselves and realize that we all need more forgiveness for what we see as our own inadequecies. 

The final thing I would say is the same thing I have told myself when looking at others and envying their ability to take pain.  Walk your own path, and don’t look back at your old self as better or more resiliant.  Your old self hadn’t been through a year and a half of a traumatizing pandemic.  YOU are every bit as strong and tough as you need to be.  Figure out what your tolerance is now and work from there rather than trying to play like you used to.  Hell, your top may even appreciate not having to work so hard for a while.

Above all, talk to your partners.  Make sure they understand that your body has changed and how to work with you to meet you where you are.

All any of us can do is be who we are, right this minute.  I send my happiest and most positive thoughts to all of you.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm safety, fetish, fetish community, kink

The Pitfalls Of Guiding Others In The BDSM, Fetish, and Kink Communities

August 5, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

We all believe we have something to contribute, and we do. Just because I have expertise in one area of kink, does not mean the knowledge and perspective of someone else who is less experienced is any less valuable. Others want to know what we know! It is why so many forums about kink exist. 

These platforms give us a place to learn from others and hopefully find help with our own growth. Sometimes those conversations migrate away from munches and kinks. People newer to the Lifestyle look for people they click with, to help guide them. Mentors.

However there seems to be a scarcity of available mentors forcing too many to seek their information solely from online platforms. This is worrisome as the nuance of kink and the bond is missed when firsthand observations are not available. I do not think it an understatement that mentoring in our community is more important than ever.

Understandably, many who have been in kink for a long time are overwhelmed by the numbers of new people to kink. Quite simply, in my experience, we are far outnumbered. This brings a new set of challenges in mentoring and guiding others. We want, and like, to help other people who genuinely care to learn. However, sometimes we have to be careful what we wish for, we might just get it, and then some. As mentors, we can get in over our heads.

What is Mentoring?

We do talk about mentoring a lot in forums and other venues, but what is a mentor? By definition, a mentor is an experienced and trusted advisor who provides guidance and possibly training. It’s a relationship designed to pass knowledge, to help others avoid mistakes we may have made ourselves, and a way we can learn more about ourselves through teaching others. By virtue of the relationship, the mentor is taking on a responsibility, less formal than having a submissive, but more formal than a mere friend. The responsibility of being a guide.

Mentoring can be immensely rewarding. There is a joy that goes with helping someone else succeed. We get to reexperience some of the things we have learned as we came up. Often, we begin remembering lessons we learned, and have since forgotten, or just started taking for granted. We learn new perspectives, as often our mentees see things in a different light than we do. We are challenged, to help solve issues we may never have considered before. As a result of all these things, we grow also. 

Like any other type of relationship, mentoring has traps and pitfalls which are easily fallen into if we, do not take the time to think things through. Please, don’t take this as me trying to scare you off. I am not! However, if this can save you some pain in the process, then why shouldn’t I share what I have learned? Here are just a few of the more common ones.

Things to Consider

Time Management: Have you ever been involved in an activity or organization where you got to the point, “Damn, this is eating up all my spare time! How did I get here?” I have, on more than one occasion. It was my own fault. I failed to set personal boundaries regarding my time, and kept saying yes to things, when I really should have said no. That drive to help blinded me. As a result, other things in my life suffered, or the organization I was volunteering for or mentee suffered. There are only so many hours in the day, guard them wisely. 

If we take on a mentoring role, real thought should be given regarding how much time you can dedicate without doing ourself, or our mentee a disservice. There may be times you have to decline being a mentor, just because, you do not have the time. That doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t try to help occasionally, just we may not be able to help as much as they would like us to.

Ask these questions- How much time can I give this person on a weekly or monthly basis? How much time do they believe they need from me? Do these line up? Is there somewhere in the middle that would work for both of us? How is the time I plan to give to the mentee going to impact the other parts of my life? 

Making Your Goals Theirs: It is easy for us to project what we want to accomplish onto another person. We’ve done something, it worked, why not? Because it’s not our journey, it’s theirs. 

As a mentor, in my opinion, our job is not to guide the mentee to a specific result, but to act as a road map. To present options, provoke thought, encourage growth and progress, be a sounding board, and share perspectives. We can and should be the legend on the map, “There be dragons here!!!” Yet ultimately, whether they go to meet the dragons is the mentee’s choice. We want them to make good decisions, to do that, they need to be presented with the options and consequences of those options, both good and bad. Once that is done, it is up to them.

Ask them up front- What are your expectations from me as a mentor? What are your goals? What are you interested in learning? 

Sure, there are the fundamentals in the Lifestyle, I believe, everyone should be introduced to such as safety, respect, and core values. Beyond those things, we help guide the mentee toward what they would like to achieve while pointing out possible traps along the way.

Assuming We Can Fix Them: I am so guilty of this. Some people never really wanted our help in the first place, or they get into kink and the Lifestyle for all the wrong reasons. We make assumptions about being able to turn them around thinking, “If I can just get them to understand this (fill in the blank),” and other variations of that thought. If we find ourselves on this track of thinking, the relationship is no longer about how we can help them, it is about us not wanting to fail. Failure sucks! I get it. 

What you may not realize at that point, is that you didn’t fail. You were set up for it and it’s no one’s fault. Some people just are not ready to listen or be helped even if they are expressing otherwise. Recognizing this and knowing when to end a mentoring relationship can be difficult. However, if you do not you are going to wind up hurting yourself, and little or nothing will have changed for your mentee. They must be ready to learn and want to learn for the right reasons.

Making Decisions for the Mentee: “What do you think I should do?” Is a common question I am asked by a mentee. Making decisions can be hard business, why wouldn’t they want their experienced guide to make it for them? I have made this mistake as a mentor, as well as having been guilty of trying to get some of my mentors to make decisions for me. As hard as it is to remain neutral when guiding someone, being that middle grounds and pointing out options will be better for them, and you, in the end. 

People become more invested in their success, if it was their success. Conversely, they learn from their mistakes more readily when they can’t blame it on someone else. They choose, good or bad result, it was their choice. When the mentee gets to own the good and the bad, they grow. We need to allow them to do that, even though it can be cringy and painful to watch at times. 

Sometimes the Best Way to Learn is to Teach

Mentoring is a great tool and can be a phenomenal experience for both the mentor and mentee. I would strongly encourage anyone who is interested, to give it some serious thought. Not just Tops, Dominants and Masters…… bottoms, submissives and slaves. It takes all walks to fill these roles in our community. And you get something out of it too!!!! 

We get to learn about ourselves, find new ways to look at old lessons we had learned, and get a unique opportunity to challenge our own assumptions about kink and the lifestyle. Throughout the process we get the satisfaction of seeing someone grow and develop in a way which is healthy for them and hopefully mold them into an asset for the community.

There will be highs and lows along the way, but in the end, it is worth it. Hopefully, what I wrote hasn’t discouraged you, and maybe armed you with some information to make your mentoring experiences better. Whatever you do, remember to have fun with it! 

Make the experience something worthwhile for both of you.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm communication, bdsm community, bdsm contract, bdsm relationship, fetish, fetish community, kink, Kink Community, mentor, vetting

This week in kink: July 5, 2021

July 5, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Learn about the spicy Locked Down sex position from The Sun!

Click below to find out more!


Discover the inner workings of a Domme and her sub!

Click below to read more from Lovin Malta!

‘Always Address Me As Mistress’: A Peek Into The Life Of A Professional Maltese Dominatrix And Her Sub

Uncover the police station turned fetish club with WalesOnline!

Click below to read more!


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, dominant, dominatrix, dungeons, fetish, fetish community, kink, london fetish club, power dynamic, power exchange, sex, sexual expression, sexual fantasy, sexual freedom, sexual safety, submissive

Video: The Five Types Of Attraction

June 24, 2021 By Evie Lupine 2 Comments

Curious to learn more about human sexuality?

Then, check out this riveting video by the fabulous Evie Lupine!

Decoding The FIVE Types of Attraction!

Tagged With: attraction, bdsm, bdsm community, fetish, fetish community, kink, sexual fantasy, sexuality

BDSM Virgin Rapture

June 9, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

Occasionally I get questions about the BDSM world I am not familiar with.  Usually, I have at least read about the basis of the query; it is rare that I have never even heard anything about that issue. Going through my files (I am still using my stored questions until our community returns to normal – which should be soon) I came across this term – “virgin rapture” – with which I am totally unfamiliar with. So here goes:

Reader:  I’d like you to address what I’ve heard referred to as “virgin rapture.” It’s defined in Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns as: “A period of time wherein a newcomer is so overwhelmed by BDSM that they think the world revolves around it and can never imagine returning to any other form of sexuality.” I remember having these feelings and becoming quite confused and depressed when those feelings died  Is this normal?

“New!” You hear this word in just about every ad on TV. The “new and improved” Dyson vacuum cleaner is touted on every other infomercial. New and improved? It’s really just another vacuum cleaner. But occasionally    something touted as “new” is really fresh and not just ad-speak. For example, the iPhone was truly innovative. HDTV was so revolutionary that I even went out and bought one! And, finally, “new” BDSM. If groundbreaking audio or video hardware can get your juices flowing, imagine the effect of a radically new “sex and play” system! I would guess that everybody who first gets into BDSM has been blown away by it. In my case, I got so excited, I even started writing about it. Talk about “virgin BDSM rapture!” So “virgin rapture” is quite real and nothing unusual.  

There are two problems that you allude to in your question. The first is that you feel worried about returning to any other “non-BDSM form of sexuality,” as you put it, once the feeling dies. If this is your primary dilemma, it is no predicament at all. (Unless you have a spouse or partner who is not into joining you on your BDSM journey; but that is another topic entirely.) There is no rule around here that says, “You cannot practice any other form of sexuality.” If you have no need for any other forms of sexuality, so be it. You should not feel guilty about any play choice, so long as it is between consenting adults. If you only want BDSM, only do BDSM. If you want to add vanilla into your BDSM play to spice it up, go for it.  There are no rules here other than consent and age legalities.

The second, and more common, problem of “virgin rapture” is the troubles that emerge when the newness and novelty of BDSM wear off and boredom sets in. This often happens sometime after you lose your BDSM virginity. This can occur within months, but often it takes years. That boredom can occur in our BDSM lifestyle, at first glance, would appear unlikely. After all, there are so many ways to play; it seems that you will never run out of exciting things to do. Wrong! This problem is not confined to BDSM; it is universal. The problem with anything new is that, by definition, it ultimately becomes old.  Many people, when the BDSM becomes boring, blame it on BDSM. But, it is really just the fault of the new becoming, as it inevitably will, old. What to do? There are two suggestions I can offer.

I recommend going through the kink weekly archives where you will find tons of play ideas.  Here you can find a list of “new” things to do. For example –  https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/bdsm-ideas-nipple-play-clamps-clips-suction is but one article that will give you ideas for fresh play.  You might not be able to recreate “virgin rapture,” but you can find many activities that fall into the “new and exciting” category. 

Another way to go is to look over your diaries. If you keep BDSM diaries – and I always suggest that the Dom request the sub to keep diaries, even if only from time-to-time – you can see what you did, play-wise and Ds-wise, when you were in the “virgin rapture” phase. Try and duplicate the play and the mindset that you have annotated in those diaries. Even without a diary, you can try to recreate early BDSM scenes from memory. 

Between new play ideas and your BDSM diaries, you will be able to evoke the “virgin rapture” period of your BDSM life. Factoring in the experience you have gained through your BDSM journey, you might even find that, even after our forced boredom of covid quarantine, “virgin rapture, part two” can even be better than “virgin rapture, part one!”


After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm safety, bdsm scene, fetish, fetish community, kink, Kink Community

This week in kink: June 14, 2021

June 9, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Check out this riveting article about how Fifty Shades of Grey changed how society thinks about sex from the New York Post!

Click below to learn more!

https://nypost.com/2021/06/01/how-50-shades-of-grey-changed-our-sex-lives-forever/


There are many misconceptions when it comes to kink and BDSM.

One of our missions is to dispel these myths.

Click below to read an interesting article on the matter from HelloGiggles!


This week learn about Tim Stokely, the man who created OnlyFans!

Click below to read more from Lad Bible!


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm safety, bdsm scene, bdsm toys, fetish, fetish community, kink, Kink Community, sex work, Sex Work Community, sex worker rights, sexual fantasy

Do We Have Community Any More?

June 4, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

blonde sexy Domme with male submissive in straitjacket
via stock.adobe.com

What is a community? We talk about it incessantly in Lifestyle blogs and posts on Fetlife. Yet I do not think many have an appreciation for what a community really is, or can be. For some of you the following paragraphs are going to sound like a rant, for others high fives will be in order. To both groups, I say this, that in and of itself is a problem.

A group of people living in the same space or having particular characteristics in common. Sounds simple. Yet in the past several years I have seen a devolution away from similar characteristics into a pool of all inclusive hodgepodge which leaves kink, BDSM, and the Lifestyle all but unidentifiable. So, I ask, “Do we have a community?”

If we have a community, we have to be able to identify what those common characteristics are. Can we? Other than we are all interested in Kink, can we name one thing which makes us united?

The Result of Making Everyone “In” Rather Than Shepherding Them In

In the effort to make kink and BDSM, as a whole, a place where anybody can belong, I think we have lost some of our identity. It has become so watered down that nothing really means anything anymore. For example, a Master used to mean the lead, head of the dynamic or household in a M/s relationship and (in general) a person who had attained mastery in the eyes of their peers. Now, all it means is someone decided to adopt the title in accordance with their self-view.

Yet we are ok with this. With the allowance of the self-appointed. Why? Now it holds no weight, no meaning, and therefore has no identity. A lost commonality among hundreds.

Similarly, to be a slave was earned. It took effort and commitment. To me slaves, the ones who really dedicated themselves, were the Special Forces of the kink world. An uncommon character with no quit in them. Men and women who could focus a sole devotion so strong it was near unbelievable. Now, I have dozens in my inbox claiming to be slaves, wanting to call me “Master” without even having had a decent conversation, let alone meeting in person.

A dominant used to imply a dedication to a submissive with responsibility. Now to hear people talk, if they slapped an ass and gave somebody a rough fuck, they are a Dom/me. To me, that is barely being a Top. Barely.

Where is the commonality in something where nothing means anything? Yet this is what we have strived for! A bowl of clear jello, tasteless, lacking fruit, which can be named whatever the observer desires. We, as a society asked for this.

Don’t Get Me Wrong

I see value in inclusion. I see value in having a widely diverse population participating in kink. What I struggle with is the near complete lack of identity. Someone title stacking in an effort to provide someone else a better idea of who they are, does the exact opposite of the intention. A princess little dragonslayer Mistress tells me nothing other than they are potentially confused. Maybe a switch? Based on the titles they provided, how am I to interact with this person in a high protocol event? In general? It leaves me absolutely baffled at times. I am happy they are interested in kink, and came to the club, but I would not even know where to begin regarding introducing them to others.

Some of You May Think I am Just Whining

And maybe I am to a certain extent. However, I do believe that to make headway regarding our sexual rights within the US and other countries we have to be able to define who and what we are so a layman can have a tacit understanding. In this we are failing miserably.

How I am to sit across from a lawmaker and explain basic tenets and structures and why kink is a good thing, when there are a thousand articles alluding to the Burger King attitude of having it your own way combined with a lawless wild west ethic. All I am left with at that point is personal experience, which is not even going to move the needle.

It is frustrating and why we lose so badly in courts consistently. We cannot begin to define ourselves, let alone provide adequate explanation to anyone else.

A Return to Core Values

Again, my opinion. If we are ever going to turn a corner and begin gaining wider acceptance of what it is that we do, we need to be pushing, mentoring, teaching, and reinforcing core values. All else set aside, these are what are going to bind our community together. Give us a united voice, and the ability to lobby on our own behalf.

Honesty and Truth

Trust and Empathy

Loyalty and Commitment

Consent and Safety

Power Exchange balanced by Personal Responsibility/Accountability

How many of you reading this had a mentor sit you down and walk through these values with you? I would venture a guess the number is low. You can be a Vampire Master of Okra middle Sploshist which would confuse many. But if I knew you had these core values at the heart of it, I could go to bat for you, because I know at the core, where you are coming from.

If nothing else means anything, let’s make these the center of it all. Then, we may be able to gain traction, encourage others, and reach the minds of our detractors in a way where we are less demonized for simply being ourselves.

Just an Old Guy with Old Notions

So what if I am? Core values are meant to stand the test of time, not be subject to popular opinion. To be a foundation on which we can all stand and use to catapult ourselves to greater heights. Why wouldn’t we want this? Why would we place the importance of, “inclusion,” above the strength of unity. We can be both, absolutely. To get there, we all have to subscribe to something common.

A core, for our community. 


TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1.

Tagged With: bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, fetish community, Kink Community

Rebuilding After Trauma

May 27, 2021 By Joji Sada 3 Comments

Shibari male submissive bound
via stock.adobe.com

There are many commonalities in the kink community.  As hard as it is to admit, many of us have a history of trauma.  Though the causes vary, they impact our interactions in BDSM heavily.  So we are going to explore what you can do if you need to renegotiate or build a scene after recent trauma. 

Trauma is defined as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.”  

This is a broad definition.  We often equate trauma to incidents that result in physical injuries or abuse.  But trauma can be anything.  Trauma can happen as a result of a death in the family, stress from work or family, near death experiences, abuse, accidents, and mental health imbalances.  This is, by no means, a comprehensive list.

For example, due to repeated deaths in my family in a short period of time, and a couple of traumatic experiences from when I was a teenager, I deal with the effects of PTSD.  My brain just sort of short circuits at times.  On an average day, it does not affect me much because I have learned to cope with it.  However, when I delve into play, the closer I get to sub space, the less control I have in my head.  Sometimes, that means disassociation.  Sometimes it is moments of extreme panic or fear.  

Outside of play, and regardless of the control you have over your mental health, your trauma does influence all aspects of your life. It can change the route you take home from work or where you work.  It can change how you sleep or whether the light stays on at night.  It can affect how you talk and who you talk to.

In kink, and often as a result of trauma, many suffer the effects of PTSD, severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, fear of men/women, nightmares/ Night terrors, and more.  Some people lose their sense of self and their independence.  

Some seek help.  Some don’t.  Some find relief in a bottle and some in pills.  Some never sleep and some only sleep.  Some learn to cope, and some don’t.  Some move on and some don’t.  Some give up and some don’t.   

It is an individual experience and recovery.

As mentioned previously, you don’t need to look hard to find a lot of trauma survivors in BDSM and Kink.  We all have our own reasons for delving into kink and dealing with our mental health.

Some use kink to reclaim their independence.  It allows them to reclaim the moments they felt helpless and take back control.  Some use kink for coping.  

And, for some, they attempt to keep their trauma and their kink separate.

I do not personally believe the last statement is possible.  Even the most careful of individuals can be triggered unintentionally.  Because of this, it is important to figure out how to renegotiate and build a scene after trauma, to meet the needs of both yourself and your partner(s).

The steps below are built on the premise that you were involved in kink prior to the traumatic event.


Step 1: Be honest (to yourself and your partner) about your mental and physical state.

As much as we would love to pretend the trauma has never happened, it did.  You and your partner need to accept that.  You also need to clearly state your current needs.  Do not allow yourself or your partner to assume that your wants, needs, and desires are the same as they were prior to the traumatic event.

Step 2: Negotiate with what you can do, not what you can’t

Feeling powerless is common with trauma.  You may find yourself hesitant or even fearful of things you consider to be “simple.”  There is no shame in doing what is best for you.  If you cannot handle hugs any longer, or need someone to ask ahead of doing so, be clear in those expectations.  Because there may be so many more things that you cannot do/have done as before, it is important to not lose yourself in what you “cannot do.”  Instead of negotiating with your partner about what is off-limits, change the parameters.  

“I would like you to do X, but I need you to keep eye contact with me.”

“I would like to feel your weight on me, but without restraint.”

“I need you to use my name when you talk to me.  Please speak clearly so I know it is you.”

“I need skin to skin contact and I need you to stay above the waist.”

“I want to be flogged with my shirt on.”

Any of these options are considered green behaviors for this individual.  It states what you wish to do and how it needs to be done to minimize triggering.

Step 3:  Watch for frenzy.  It can happen after long bouts of inactivity, not just to people new to the lifestyle.

Sometimes we remove ourselves from kink all together when trauma occurs.  When we feel strong enough to get back into the scene, it is easy to lose yourself into frenzy.  The feelings that you had thought forgotten come rushing back, and with it, so does the desire to get back into everything.  

Watching for frenzy also means watching for extreme drop.  We, as people, like to believe that we will always be able to do everything at the level we currently do it.  Maybe, prior to your break, you could take an hour long beating with a cane.  Most likely, after that break, you will not be able to. To play safely, it is better to start as though you are new and gauge your tolerance from there.  But it can be a blow to both your ego and your self-esteem to “feel less than” we once were.  Tolerance can be relearned.  Pushing too fast, though, can reignite the trauma responses that required the break in the first place.

Step 4: If needed, write down the negotiation.  This way you can review it and revisit it before play, if needed.

I am not suggesting a contract.  I am suggesting more of a journaling exercise.  Write down where you want to start, your goals, and your reactions to things as they occur.

This includes determining who will be involved in the scene, participating or watching?  What will happen?  What is your safeword?  What are the boundaries?  Are the scene boundaries different than your everyday ones?  Do you have a panic option if your safeword becomes unuseable?


What happens though if the trauma happens during kink?  Or if it happens with your current partner?  Does that change how we renegotiate or build a scene?

In my mind, it does.

Trust is paramount in a dynamic.  When that trust wavers, it can make kink so much more dangerous.  For example, you can lose the comfort and confidence needed to safeword.  As much as most Dominants seem like mind-readers, they are not.  They need to know their partner will 22speak up when necessary, to prevent hurting the submissive.

Below, I have an altered set of steps to help guide the reestablishment of boundaries and the renegotiation of terms in an existing dynamic.


Step 1: Make sure you are both emotionally recovered enough to discuss logically.

Was the trauma caused by yourself?  Your partner?  Did it happen during a scene?  Was the trauma an accident, miscommunication, or malicious?  Is it unrelated?

These are important questions to ask yourself.  Trauma that is unrelated may be easier to navigate with a partner than something caused by them.  The same goes for the intention behind what happened.

Accidents and miscommunication happen in scenes.  My first scene with Master was at a public party as pick-up play.  I thought we had negotiated a flogging. Turns out, he was under the impression we negotiated an impact scene that involved floggers.  In this instance, it turned out to be a beneficial miscommunication.  

Later on, in our relationship, we did impact play at a party and a couple hours later we tried fire play.  Turns out, even a light flogging (one that doesn’t leave marks) can weaken the skin enough that fire play can burn (when it otherwise would not).  Technically, I was injured because my skin was burned.  It was a small crescent shaped mark and for me, was a plausible outcome to the risky stuff we engage in.  In this example, neither instance impacted my trust in Master.  But, I have seen similar instances that have traumatized submissives and made them very skittish.

Step 2: Read through the current rules, together, and discuss their meaning.

When we first begin in kink, there are often a set of rules that we put in place to set the boundaries of our dynamics.  Over time, those can change or evolve.

Due to personal issues with food in my past, one of my rules is that I must eat 3 times a day (or six tiny meals to help with my diabetes).  When my dad died last year, I couldn’t bring myself to eat through my grief.  But I had to, because it was a rule.  I essentially made myself extremely sick.  So, I had to reach out to Master and ask for an amendment.  The rule adjusted to eating 2 times per day and I could use a meal replacement shake if needed.

We were not discarding everything that we had set forth, but we were adjusting them as needed to make sure I was ok.

Step 3: Recognize if any of the current rules contributed to the trauma.

**The rules I use as an example below are just rules that I have had mentioned to me by other submissives that have encountered issues.  I have a personal belief that as long as rules are consensual, then they can be anything the Dominant and the submissive wish**

Some rules can add to the negative headspace left by trauma.  For example, some dynamics have a rule that issues will be discussed once a month during a free chat.  This could lead a submissive to believe they cannot speak up when needed.  

Another example is a rule that does not allow safewording during a punishment.  Is this something that foster’s fear in the submissive?  Can this lead to triggering during a punishment without recourse to remove themself from the situation?

Step 4: Remove or adjust any rule that has impacted either the D-type or s-type’s state of mind.

Step 5: Keep the number of rules manageable.  Trauma impacts the mental and physical states.  If you are still recovering, having too many rules can make you feel like a failure and having too few can maximize your feelings of not being wanted or useful.

Step 6: Make a plan to maintain the healthy mindset.  Whether this is through therapy, medication, maintenance discipline, etc.  Recovering from trauma is fluid.  It does not just stop and get cured.


Ultimately, you are stronger than your trauma.  No one will know your reactions better than you.  There is no right or wrong answer in your decisions, kink related or not.  Your kink goes at the speed that you determine is best.  Never let anyone try to force you to change.

Lastly, as cruel as it sounds, your trauma is your trauma.  Just as you have the right to play at your discretion and pace, others have the right to choose not to play with you.  This is not a reflection on either person’s character.  Some people are not willing or able to deal with the aftereffects of trauma.  This is their right.

When you vet a new partner, or renegotiate with an old partner, Be honest, clear in your expectations, and open about your mental health.


My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tagged With: aftercare, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm safety, bdsm scene, fetish, fetish community, kink, Kink Community, mental health, negotiation, safety, safety consent, safeword, sexual fantasy, trauma, triggers

Holding Kink Events With Today’s Challenges

May 27, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

There are some venues and groups who have begun to reopen their doors for kink events. Like many other things nowadays, requirements are varied and controversial, regardless of where they hold their bar for risk. Covid is not gone, and at this point, we are all just doing our best to find ways to interact with our kink communities to the best we are able.

There are, have been, and will continue to be venues / groups who are not requiring any safety precautions for gathering, and are not limiting attendance. It is within their rights to hold events as they choose to, just as it is within the rights of people attending to determine individually if those events fall within their risk profiles. However, I believe it is important for people who are attending events without safety precautions to inform others they may plan to interact with intimately in order to allow those individuals to make informed choices about whether or not they feel safe in those circumstances. Please remember, we can’t tell if someone is a high risk individual based on appearance or guessing. They have the right to know if they may be at risk based on someone else’s behavior. This is very much like disclosing other sexual partners. Someone cannot consent if they are not fully informed as to what they are consenting to.

Other venues and groups are / have been offering masked attendance options. As the pandemic raged and my home dungeon was seeking ways they could continue to pay the rent, one of the possible solutions was what we affectionately termed LAT parties, or limited attendance and time parties, which were not only limited to a maximum of 10 individuals, also included us shuttering some equipment to create more space between stations, required masking, and involved lots of disinfecting and sanitizing. As one of the testers for the concept, my partner and I attempted a full impact scene while wearing masks. As an informational note, our impact tends to start fairly light and wind its way towards a four pound, four foot long flogger made of water buffalo hide. It’s a fairly hefty beast which often leaves both of us panting. While it was entirely possible to be fully satisfied from the physical expression of that experience, we both felt that the masks did present something of a barrier to our usual methods of visual check ins, since it hid much of my facial movement from him. He had to rely more on head movement responses to verbal check-ins, which definitely changed the feel of things for us. It was definitely better than the alternative, however.

Again, though, these types of events will not be for everyone. Some will refuse to play masked, others will not feel safe enough. It is a difficult thing to please everyone, even in the best of times, which these certainly are not.

Most recently, we’ve seen the rise of events which cater to vaccinated individuals. These sorts of events are controversial in any environment. People feel reasonable accommodation should be made for those with allergy issues, religious issues, etc. While this would be true for employers, at least in the US, it isn’t the case for private events. An individual can set requirements for entering their club, home or place of business, or as one explanation said, private events on private property. In this case, that means venues / groups have the right to require proof of vaccination from attendees. This may mean they want a digital copy, or it could mean they want to view it upon entry. States have different guidelines. Some states or even cities are requiring that event planners keep records of vaccinated guests’ names, the date of their final dose and declaration that they are fully vaccinated, which presents some interesting potential issues for kinksters who may not want their information on record in that fashion. The solution to that is to know the laws in your city and state, and if organizers plan to keep your health information on file, so you can make an information decision about attending events.

This is an excellent time to mention that vetting is not just for individuals. It is absolutely appropriate to vet group leaders and ask about group history. If a group has been in existence ten years, likely there are a few local kink community members you can ask about whether or not they have ever released vanilla information, how knowledgeable leadership is, whether or not the group’s consent ideology and policy lines up with yours, etc. If it is a newer group, ask how long it has been around, how they handle consent violation accusations, how they handle education, what resources they share with newcomers, and how they handle personal information of members, if they collect it at all. Before you hand over your information to someone just because they “lead” a group, make sure you are comfortable with their experience level and what they may do with that private info.

If you are interested in following up, here is the latest information on hosting events from the CDC: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/community/large-events/considerations-for-events-gatherings.html

And a look at the legalities of requiring vaccinations: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/can-businesses-require-vaccination-proof-experts-say-yes/

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm events, fetish, fetish community, kink, Kink Community

This week in kink: May 10, 2021

May 6, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Check out this interesting article on Snow White and consent from CBR.com!


Cirque Du Vulgar is coming to CornWall!

Read more about this erotic experience from CornWall Live!


Don’t miss the erotic, BDSM-filled drama Little Birds!

Find out more from the EW!


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, consent, erotica, fetish, fetish community, kink, Kink Community

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