Occasionally I get questions about the BDSM world I am not familiar with. Usually, I have at least read about the basis of the query; it is rare that I have never even heard anything about that issue. Going through my files (I am still using my stored questions until our community returns to normal – which should be soon) I came across this term – “virgin rapture” – with which I am totally unfamiliar with. So here goes:
Reader: I’d like you to address what I’ve heard referred to as “virgin rapture.” It’s defined in Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns as: “A period of time wherein a newcomer is so overwhelmed by BDSM that they think the world revolves around it and can never imagine returning to any other form of sexuality.” I remember having these feelings and becoming quite confused and depressed when those feelings died Is this normal?
“New!” You hear this word in just about every ad on TV. The “new and improved” Dyson vacuum cleaner is touted on every other infomercial. New and improved? It’s really just another vacuum cleaner. But occasionally something touted as “new” is really fresh and not just ad-speak. For example, the iPhone was truly innovative. HDTV was so revolutionary that I even went out and bought one! And, finally, “new” BDSM. If groundbreaking audio or video hardware can get your juices flowing, imagine the effect of a radically new “sex and play” system! I would guess that everybody who first gets into BDSM has been blown away by it. In my case, I got so excited, I even started writing about it. Talk about “virgin BDSM rapture!” So “virgin rapture” is quite real and nothing unusual.
There are two problems that you allude to in your question. The first is that you feel worried about returning to any other “non-BDSM form of sexuality,” as you put it, once the feeling dies. If this is your primary dilemma, it is no predicament at all. (Unless you have a spouse or partner who is not into joining you on your BDSM journey; but that is another topic entirely.) There is no rule around here that says, “You cannot practice any other form of sexuality.” If you have no need for any other forms of sexuality, so be it. You should not feel guilty about any play choice, so long as it is between consenting adults. If you only want BDSM, only do BDSM. If you want to add vanilla into your BDSM play to spice it up, go for it. There are no rules here other than consent and age legalities.
The second, and more common, problem of “virgin rapture” is the troubles that emerge when the newness and novelty of BDSM wear off and boredom sets in. This often happens sometime after you lose your BDSM virginity. This can occur within months, but often it takes years. That boredom can occur in our BDSM lifestyle, at first glance, would appear unlikely. After all, there are so many ways to play; it seems that you will never run out of exciting things to do. Wrong! This problem is not confined to BDSM; it is universal. The problem with anything new is that, by definition, it ultimately becomes old. Many people, when the BDSM becomes boring, blame it on BDSM. But, it is really just the fault of the new becoming, as it inevitably will, old. What to do? There are two suggestions I can offer.
I recommend going through the kink weekly archives where you will find tons of play ideas. Here you can find a list of “new” things to do. For example – https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/bdsm-ideas-nipple-play-clamps-clips-suction is but one article that will give you ideas for fresh play. You might not be able to recreate “virgin rapture,” but you can find many activities that fall into the “new and exciting” category.
Another way to go is to look over your diaries. If you keep BDSM diaries – and I always suggest that the Dom request the sub to keep diaries, even if only from time-to-time – you can see what you did, play-wise and Ds-wise, when you were in the “virgin rapture” phase. Try and duplicate the play and the mindset that you have annotated in those diaries. Even without a diary, you can try to recreate early BDSM scenes from memory.
Between new play ideas and your BDSM diaries, you will be able to evoke the “virgin rapture” period of your BDSM life. Factoring in the experience you have gained through your BDSM journey, you might even find that, even after our forced boredom of covid quarantine, “virgin rapture, part two” can even be better than “virgin rapture, part one!”
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.