Kink Community

BDSM Virgin Rapture

June 9, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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Occasionally I get questions about the BDSM world I am not familiar with. Usually, I have at least read about the basis of the query; it is rare that I have never even heard anything about that issue. Going through my files (I am still using my stored questions until our community returns to normal – which should be soon) I came across this term – “virgin rapture” – with which I am totally unfamiliar with. So here goes:

Reader: I’d like you to address what I’ve heard referred to as “virgin rapture.” It’s defined in Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns as: “A period of time wherein a newcomer is so overwhelmed by BDSM that they think the world revolves around it and can never imagine returning to any other form of sexuality.” I remember having these feelings and becoming quite confused and depressed when those feelings died Is this normal?

“New!” You hear this word in just about every ad on TV. The “new and improved” Dyson vacuum cleaner is touted on every other infomercial. New and improved? It’s really just another vacuum cleaner. But occasionally something touted as “new” is really fresh and not just ad-speak. For example, the iPhone was truly innovative. HDTV was so revolutionary that I even went out and bought one! And, finally, “new” BDSM. If groundbreaking audio or video hardware can get your juices flowing, imagine the effect of a radically new “sex and play” system! I would guess that everybody who first gets into BDSM has been blown away by it. In my case, I got so excited, I even started writing about it. Talk about “virgin BDSM rapture!” So “virgin rapture” is quite real and nothing unusual.

There are two problems that you allude to in your question. The first is that you feel worried about returning to any other “non-BDSM form of sexuality,” as you put it, once the feeling dies. If this is your primary dilemma, it is no predicament at all. (Unless you have a spouse or partner who is not into joining you on your BDSM journey; but that is another topic entirely.) There is no rule around here that says, “You cannot practice any other form of sexuality.” If you have no need for any other forms of sexuality, so be it. You should not feel guilty about any play choice, so long as it is between consenting adults. If you only want BDSM, only do BDSM. If you want to add vanilla into your BDSM play to spice it up, go for it. There are no rules here other than consent and age legalities.

The second, and more common, problem of “virgin rapture” is the troubles that emerge when the newness and novelty of BDSM wear off and boredom sets in. This often happens sometime after you lose your BDSM virginity. This can occur within months, but often it takes years. That boredom can occur in our BDSM lifestyle, at first glance, would appear unlikely. After all, there are so many ways to play; it seems that you will never run out of exciting things to do. Wrong! This problem is not confined to BDSM; it is universal. The problem with anything new is that, by definition, it ultimately becomes old. Many people, when the BDSM becomes boring, blame it on BDSM. But, it is really just the fault of the new becoming, as it inevitably will, old. What to do? There are two suggestions I can offer.

I recommend going through the kink weekly archives where you will find tons of play ideas. Here you can find a list of “new” things to do. For example – https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/bdsm-ideas-nipple-play-clamps-clips-suction is but one article that will give you ideas for fresh play. You might not be able to recreate “virgin rapture,” but you can find many activities that fall into the “new and exciting” category.

Another way to go is to look over your diaries. If you keep BDSM diaries – and I always suggest that the Dom request the sub to keep diaries, even if only from time-to-time – you can see what you did, play-wise and Ds-wise, when you were in the “virgin rapture” phase. Try and duplicate the play and the mindset that you have annotated in those diaries. Even without a diary, you can try to recreate early BDSM scenes from memory.

Between new play ideas and your BDSM diaries, you will be able to evoke the “virgin rapture” period of your BDSM life. Factoring in the experience you have gained through your BDSM journey, you might even find that, even after our forced boredom of covid quarantine, “virgin rapture, part two” can even be better than “virgin rapture, part one!”

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

This week in kink: June 14, 2021

June 9, 2021 By Dexx 2 Comments

Check out this riveting article about how Fifty Shades of Grey changed how society thinks about sex from the New York Post!

Click below to learn more!

https://nypost.com/2021/06/01/how-50-shades-of-grey-changed-our-sex-lives-forever/

There are many misconceptions when it comes to kink and BDSM.

One of our missions is to dispel these myths.

Click below to read an interesting article on the matter from HelloGiggles!

This week learn about Tim Stokely, the man who created OnlyFans!

Click below to read more from Lad Bible!

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Do We Have Community Any More?

June 4, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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What is a community? We talk about it incessantly in Lifestyle blogs and posts on Fetlife. Yet I do not think many have an appreciation for what a community really is, or can be. For some of you the following paragraphs are going to sound like a rant, for others high fives will be in order. To both groups, I say this, that in and of itself is a problem.

A group of people living in the same space or having particular characteristics in common. Sounds simple. Yet in the past several years I have seen a devolution away from similar characteristics into a pool of all inclusive hodgepodge which leaves kink, BDSM, and the Lifestyle all but unidentifiable. So, I ask, “Do we have a community?”

If we have a community, we have to be able to identify what those common characteristics are. Can we? Other than we are all interested in Kink, can we name one thing which makes us united?

The Result of Making Everyone “In” Rather Than Shepherding Them In

In the effort to make kink and BDSM, as a whole, a place where anybody can belong, I think we have lost some of our identity. It has become so watered down that nothing really means anything anymore. For example, a Master used to mean the lead, head of the dynamic or household in a M/s relationship and (in general) a person who had attained mastery in the eyes of their peers. Now, all it means is someone decided to adopt the title in accordance with their self-view.

Yet we are ok with this. With the allowance of the self-appointed. Why? Now it holds no weight, no meaning, and therefore has no identity. A lost commonality among hundreds.

Similarly, to be a slave was earned. It took effort and commitment. To me slaves, the ones who really dedicated themselves, were the Special Forces of the kink world. An uncommon character with no quit in them. Men and women who could focus a sole devotion so strong it was near unbelievable. Now, I have dozens in my inbox claiming to be slaves, wanting to call me “Master” without even having had a decent conversation, let alone meeting in person.

A dominant used to imply a dedication to a submissive with responsibility. Now to hear people talk, if they slapped an ass and gave somebody a rough fuck, they are a Dom/me. To me, that is barely being a Top. Barely.

Where is the commonality in something where nothing means anything? Yet this is what we have strived for! A bowl of clear jello, tasteless, lacking fruit, which can be named whatever the observer desires. We, as a society asked for this.

Don’t Get Me Wrong

I see value in inclusion. I see value in having a widely diverse population participating in kink. What I struggle with is the near complete lack of identity. Someone title stacking in an effort to provide someone else a better idea of who they are, does the exact opposite of the intention. A princess little dragonslayer Mistress tells me nothing other than they are potentially confused. Maybe a switch? Based on the titles they provided, how am I to interact with this person in a high protocol event? In general? It leaves me absolutely baffled at times. I am happy they are interested in kink, and came to the club, but I would not even know where to begin regarding introducing them to others.

Some of You May Think I am Just Whining

And maybe I am to a certain extent. However, I do believe that to make headway regarding our sexual rights within the US and other countries we have to be able to define who and what we are so a layman can have a tacit understanding. In this we are failing miserably.

How I am to sit across from a lawmaker and explain basic tenets and structures and why kink is a good thing, when there are a thousand articles alluding to the Burger King attitude of having it your own way combined with a lawless wild west ethic. All I am left with at that point is personal experience, which is not even going to move the needle.

It is frustrating and why we lose so badly in courts consistently. We cannot begin to define ourselves, let alone provide adequate explanation to anyone else.

A Return to Core Values

Again, my opinion. If we are ever going to turn a corner and begin gaining wider acceptance of what it is that we do, we need to be pushing, mentoring, teaching, and reinforcing core values. All else set aside, these are what are going to bind our community together. Give us a united voice, and the ability to lobby on our own behalf.

Honesty and Truth

Trust and Empathy

Loyalty and Commitment

Consent and Safety

Power Exchange balanced by Personal Responsibility/Accountability

How many of you reading this had a mentor sit you down and walk through these values with you? I would venture a guess the number is low. You can be a Vampire Master of Okra middle Sploshist which would confuse many. But if I knew you had these core values at the heart of it, I could go to bat for you, because I know at the core, where you are coming from.

If nothing else means anything, let’s make these the center of it all. Then, we may be able to gain traction, encourage others, and reach the minds of our detractors in a way where we are less demonized for simply being ourselves.

Just an Old Guy with Old Notions

So what if I am? Core values are meant to stand the test of time, not be subject to popular opinion. To be a foundation on which we can all stand and use to catapult ourselves to greater heights. Why wouldn’t we want this? Why would we place the importance of, “inclusion,” above the strength of unity. We can be both, absolutely. To get there, we all have to subscribe to something common.

A core, for our community.

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1.

Rebuilding After Trauma

May 27, 2021 By Joji Sada 3 Comments

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There are many commonalities in the kink community. As hard as it is to admit, many of us have a history of trauma. Though the causes vary, they impact our interactions in BDSM heavily. So we are going to explore what you can do if you need to renegotiate or build a scene after recent trauma.

Trauma is defined as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.”

This is a broad definition. We often equate trauma to incidents that result in physical injuries or abuse. But trauma can be anything. Trauma can happen as a result of a death in the family, stress from work or family, near death experiences, abuse, accidents, and mental health imbalances. This is, by no means, a comprehensive list.

For example, due to repeated deaths in my family in a short period of time, and a couple of traumatic experiences from when I was a teenager, I deal with the effects of PTSD. My brain just sort of short circuits at times. On an average day, it does not affect me much because I have learned to cope with it. However, when I delve into play, the closer I get to sub space, the less control I have in my head. Sometimes, that means disassociation. Sometimes it is moments of extreme panic or fear.

Outside of play, and regardless of the control you have over your mental health, your trauma does influence all aspects of your life. It can change the route you take home from work or where you work. It can change how you sleep or whether the light stays on at night. It can affect how you talk and who you talk to.

In kink, and often as a result of trauma, many suffer the effects of PTSD, severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, fear of men/women, nightmares/ Night terrors, and more. Some people lose their sense of self and their independence.

Some seek help. Some don’t. Some find relief in a bottle and some in pills. Some never sleep and some only sleep. Some learn to cope, and some don’t. Some move on and some don’t. Some give up and some don’t.

It is an individual experience and recovery.

As mentioned previously, you don’t need to look hard to find a lot of trauma survivors in BDSM and Kink. We all have our own reasons for delving into kink and dealing with our mental health.

Some use kink to reclaim their independence. It allows them to reclaim the moments they felt helpless and take back control. Some use kink for coping.

And, for some, they attempt to keep their trauma and their kink separate.

I do not personally believe the last statement is possible. Even the most careful of individuals can be triggered unintentionally. Because of this, it is important to figure out how to renegotiate and build a scene after trauma, to meet the needs of both yourself and your partner(s).

The steps below are built on the premise that you were involved in kink prior to the traumatic event.

Step 1: Be honest (to yourself and your partner) about your mental and physical state.

As much as we would love to pretend the trauma has never happened, it did. You and your partner need to accept that. You also need to clearly state your current needs. Do not allow yourself or your partner to assume that your wants, needs, and desires are the same as they were prior to the traumatic event.

Step 2: Negotiate with what you can do, not what you can’t

Feeling powerless is common with trauma. You may find yourself hesitant or even fearful of things you consider to be “simple.” There is no shame in doing what is best for you. If you cannot handle hugs any longer, or need someone to ask ahead of doing so, be clear in those expectations. Because there may be so many more things that you cannot do/have done as before, it is important to not lose yourself in what you “cannot do.” Instead of negotiating with your partner about what is off-limits, change the parameters.

“I would like you to do X, but I need you to keep eye contact with me.”

“I would like to feel your weight on me, but without restraint.”

“I need you to use my name when you talk to me. Please speak clearly so I know it is you.”

“I need skin to skin contact and I need you to stay above the waist.”

“I want to be flogged with my shirt on.”

Any of these options are considered green behaviors for this individual. It states what you wish to do and how it needs to be done to minimize triggering.

Step 3: Watch for frenzy. It can happen after long bouts of inactivity, not just to people new to the lifestyle.

Sometimes we remove ourselves from kink all together when trauma occurs. When we feel strong enough to get back into the scene, it is easy to lose yourself into frenzy. The feelings that you had thought forgotten come rushing back, and with it, so does the desire to get back into everything.

Watching for frenzy also means watching for extreme drop. We, as people, like to believe that we will always be able to do everything at the level we currently do it. Maybe, prior to your break, you could take an hour long beating with a cane. Most likely, after that break, you will not be able to. To play safely, it is better to start as though you are new and gauge your tolerance from there. But it can be a blow to both your ego and your self-esteem to “feel less than” we once were. Tolerance can be relearned. Pushing too fast, though, can reignite the trauma responses that required the break in the first place.

Step 4: If needed, write down the negotiation. This way you can review it and revisit it before play, if needed.

I am not suggesting a contract. I am suggesting more of a journaling exercise. Write down where you want to start, your goals, and your reactions to things as they occur.

This includes determining who will be involved in the scene, participating or watching? What will happen? What is your safeword? What are the boundaries? Are the scene boundaries different than your everyday ones? Do you have a panic option if your safeword becomes unuseable?

What happens though if the trauma happens during kink? Or if it happens with your current partner? Does that change how we renegotiate or build a scene?

In my mind, it does.

Trust is paramount in a dynamic. When that trust wavers, it can make kink so much more dangerous. For example, you can lose the comfort and confidence needed to safeword. As much as most Dominants seem like mind-readers, they are not. They need to know their partner will 22speak up when necessary, to prevent hurting the submissive.

Below, I have an altered set of steps to help guide the reestablishment of boundaries and the renegotiation of terms in an existing dynamic.

Step 1: Make sure you are both emotionally recovered enough to discuss logically.

Was the trauma caused by yourself? Your partner? Did it happen during a scene? Was the trauma an accident, miscommunication, or malicious? Is it unrelated?

These are important questions to ask yourself. Trauma that is unrelated may be easier to navigate with a partner than something caused by them. The same goes for the intention behind what happened.

Accidents and miscommunication happen in scenes. My first scene with Master was at a public party as pick-up play. I thought we had negotiated a flogging. Turns out, he was under the impression we negotiated an impact scene that involved floggers. In this instance, it turned out to be a beneficial miscommunication.

Later on, in our relationship, we did impact play at a party and a couple hours later we tried fire play. Turns out, even a light flogging (one that doesn’t leave marks) can weaken the skin enough that fire play can burn (when it otherwise would not). Technically, I was injured because my skin was burned. It was a small crescent shaped mark and for me, was a plausible outcome to the risky stuff we engage in. In this example, neither instance impacted my trust in Master. But, I have seen similar instances that have traumatized submissives and made them very skittish.

Step 2: Read through the current rules, together, and discuss their meaning.

When we first begin in kink, there are often a set of rules that we put in place to set the boundaries of our dynamics. Over time, those can change or evolve.

Due to personal issues with food in my past, one of my rules is that I must eat 3 times a day (or six tiny meals to help with my diabetes). When my dad died last year, I couldn’t bring myself to eat through my grief. But I had to, because it was a rule. I essentially made myself extremely sick. So, I had to reach out to Master and ask for an amendment. The rule adjusted to eating 2 times per day and I could use a meal replacement shake if needed.

We were not discarding everything that we had set forth, but we were adjusting them as needed to make sure I was ok.

Step 3: Recognize if any of the current rules contributed to the trauma.

**The rules I use as an example below are just rules that I have had mentioned to me by other submissives that have encountered issues. I have a personal belief that as long as rules are consensual, then they can be anything the Dominant and the submissive wish**

Some rules can add to the negative headspace left by trauma. For example, some dynamics have a rule that issues will be discussed once a month during a free chat. This could lead a submissive to believe they cannot speak up when needed.

Another example is a rule that does not allow safewording during a punishment. Is this something that foster’s fear in the submissive? Can this lead to triggering during a punishment without recourse to remove themself from the situation?

Step 4: Remove or adjust any rule that has impacted either the D-type or s-type’s state of mind.

Step 5: Keep the number of rules manageable. Trauma impacts the mental and physical states. If you are still recovering, having too many rules can make you feel like a failure and having too few can maximize your feelings of not being wanted or useful.

Step 6: Make a plan to maintain the healthy mindset. Whether this is through therapy, medication, maintenance discipline, etc. Recovering from trauma is fluid. It does not just stop and get cured.

Ultimately, you are stronger than your trauma. No one will know your reactions better than you. There is no right or wrong answer in your decisions, kink related or not. Your kink goes at the speed that you determine is best. Never let anyone try to force you to change.

Lastly, as cruel as it sounds, your trauma is your trauma. Just as you have the right to play at your discretion and pace, others have the right to choose not to play with you. This is not a reflection on either person’s character. Some people are not willing or able to deal with the aftereffects of trauma. This is their right.

When you vet a new partner, or renegotiate with an old partner, Be honest, clear in your expectations, and open about your mental health.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Holding Kink Events With Today’s Challenges

May 27, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

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There are some venues and groups who have begun to reopen their doors for kink events. Like many other things nowadays, requirements are varied and controversial, regardless of where they hold their bar for risk. Covid is not gone, and at this point, we are all just doing our best to find ways to interact with our kink communities to the best we are able.

There are, have been, and will continue to be venues / groups who are not requiring any safety precautions for gathering, and are not limiting attendance. It is within their rights to hold events as they choose to, just as it is within the rights of people attending to determine individually if those events fall within their risk profiles. However, I believe it is important for people who are attending events without safety precautions to inform others they may plan to interact with intimately in order to allow those individuals to make informed choices about whether or not they feel safe in those circumstances. Please remember, we can’t tell if someone is a high risk individual based on appearance or guessing. They have the right to know if they may be at risk based on someone else’s behavior. This is very much like disclosing other sexual partners. Someone cannot consent if they are not fully informed as to what they are consenting to.

Other venues and groups are / have been offering masked attendance options. As the pandemic raged and my home dungeon was seeking ways they could continue to pay the rent, one of the possible solutions was what we affectionately termed LAT parties, or limited attendance and time parties, which were not only limited to a maximum of 10 individuals, also included us shuttering some equipment to create more space between stations, required masking, and involved lots of disinfecting and sanitizing. As one of the testers for the concept, my partner and I attempted a full impact scene while wearing masks. As an informational note, our impact tends to start fairly light and wind its way towards a four pound, four foot long flogger made of water buffalo hide. It’s a fairly hefty beast which often leaves both of us panting. While it was entirely possible to be fully satisfied from the physical expression of that experience, we both felt that the masks did present something of a barrier to our usual methods of visual check ins, since it hid much of my facial movement from him. He had to rely more on head movement responses to verbal check-ins, which definitely changed the feel of things for us. It was definitely better than the alternative, however.

Again, though, these types of events will not be for everyone. Some will refuse to play masked, others will not feel safe enough. It is a difficult thing to please everyone, even in the best of times, which these certainly are not.

Most recently, we’ve seen the rise of events which cater to vaccinated individuals. These sorts of events are controversial in any environment. People feel reasonable accommodation should be made for those with allergy issues, religious issues, etc. While this would be true for employers, at least in the US, it isn’t the case for private events. An individual can set requirements for entering their club, home or place of business, or as one explanation said, private events on private property. In this case, that means venues / groups have the right to require proof of vaccination from attendees. This may mean they want a digital copy, or it could mean they want to view it upon entry. States have different guidelines. Some states or even cities are requiring that event planners keep records of vaccinated guests’ names, the date of their final dose and declaration that they are fully vaccinated, which presents some interesting potential issues for kinksters who may not want their information on record in that fashion. The solution to that is to know the laws in your city and state, and if organizers plan to keep your health information on file, so you can make an information decision about attending events.

This is an excellent time to mention that vetting is not just for individuals. It is absolutely appropriate to vet group leaders and ask about group history. If a group has been in existence ten years, likely there are a few local kink community members you can ask about whether or not they have ever released vanilla information, how knowledgeable leadership is, whether or not the group’s consent ideology and policy lines up with yours, etc. If it is a newer group, ask how long it has been around, how they handle consent violation accusations, how they handle education, what resources they share with newcomers, and how they handle personal information of members, if they collect it at all. Before you hand over your information to someone just because they “lead” a group, make sure you are comfortable with their experience level and what they may do with that private info.

If you are interested in following up, here is the latest information on hosting events from the CDC: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/community/large-events/considerations-for-events-gatherings.html

And a look at the legalities of requiring vaccinations: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/can-businesses-require-vaccination-proof-experts-say-yes/

This week in kink: May 10, 2021

May 6, 2021 By Dexx 2 Comments

Check out this interesting article on Snow White and consent from CBR.com!

Cirque Du Vulgar is coming to CornWall!

Read more about this erotic experience from CornWall Live!

Don’t miss the erotic, BDSM-filled drama Little Birds!

Find out more from the EW!

Scene Safety in Mixed Venue Environments

May 1, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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As time goes on money gets tighter and clubs dedicated to BDSM only are becoming more scarce or harder to get into. As a result, mixed venue environments are being used more often for events, gatherings, and play parties. Mixed venue environments are places which may be kink friendly but are not solely dedicated to BDSM such as swingers clubs, kink friendly bars/nightclubs, or any other place where we can reasonably believe the crowd around where we will be playing comes from differing lifestyles.

There are plenty of safety considerations when deciding on the type of play and setup for a scene in these environments, it all hinges on forethought and preparation. Stand-off distance, equipment choice/availability, crowd movement around the play space, crowd monitoring, and crowd composition are some of the considerations when setting the scene and deciding on the type of scene you will be running.

Playing Where Not Everyone Knows the Etiquette

“People should know to stay out of our way,” is often the attitude of my fellow Lifestylers who are not as accustomed to working in mixed venues. Except a good portion of the crowd will likely not know the safety standards, may be drinking or using other intoxicants, and likely do not understand the needs of the players for unencumbered space for everyone’s safety, including their own. What we often take for granted, others are naïve of.

Recently I attended a kink night at a swingers club. This was a common event once a month (my first time there) and many of the kink players there were not familiar with the space as they had changed the setup of their “dungeon.” What was previously a fairly open and lighted space was now a tight, crowded, poorly lit area. So overcrowded with equipment it restricted players in ways they might not normally have to deal with in a dedicated dungeon. In addition, as aforementioned, there were plenty of intoxicated people around to throw a wrench in the works.

A spanking bench was set up dead center in a 20’ x25’ “dungeon” surrounded by a set of stocks, two St. Andrews Crosses, a medical table, flogging post, and a rather large snake looking things which I have no name for. There were no dungeon monitors to prevent anyone from encroaching on play. Out in another area there were two suspension rigs hanging above the dance floor barely ten feet apart without any cordon around the space to keep people at a distance.

To those who might not know better, it might look like a very cool set up. However, the reality was this space was ripe for someone becoming injured, including bystanders. As a result, players were unable to freely engage in activity without being constantly encroached on; no suspensions happened but plenty of rather loopy people walked up and started using the steel suspension rings like a jungle gym to the chagrin of the two rope tops trying to get something going; and actual scenes were few. But plenty of people brought budget toys to go after each other in manners I would rather not describe. Not a single first aid kit was in sight.

I did speak with the venue owners later in the evening to express my concerns. To their credit, they were more than willing to help make changes in the future to improve both safety and the ability to play. They just did not know what they did not know. Not their fault, but I am surprised no one had taken them aside before and had this conversation.

Before I go farther, I am not blaming anyone. There are a vast number of people entering kink who simply do not know and have not seen what can happen when things go wrong. I am just focusing on what I was able to determine as potential problem areas and try to address how to play safer in similar venues should you choose to attend one.

The new reality for many of us is we must learn to work within the spaces available to us for our kinky gatherings. Whether we like it or not. For some, they are the only spaces available to them.

About Some of the Considerations.

Stand-off distance: Depending on the space available, we may not be able to run a scene with a single-tail or other long implements. How much room is available will drive, partially, the type of toys we may be able to use. Or we may get to where we are setting up and have to change what we have planned. Bring options so you can adjust as needed. We need the length of our implement, plus the length of our arm, plus 18 inches for a minimum safe distance regarding swing path (from where we will be standing, not from the center of the furniture in use). There also needs to be at least four feet around where our bottom will be so no one can reach in and touch them.

If possible, we should border the play space with rope or tape at waist height to create our standoff. If this is not possible, we might have to get creative with how to create the standoff. Or enlist the help of a couple other players to DM for you, and in turn, DM for them to help keep the look-e-loos at bay.

Equipment/Furniture: Whether you bring your own, or the kink furniture is being provided, it all takes up space. Where it is placed within the play space and what angle it is placed can maximize your room available without having to impinge on the rest of the venue. Regardless of what we want, it is not likely the space provided for play will be able to be expanded (indoors) and your choice of implement may need to change accordingly.

Mixed venue spaces are geared more for the social, than they are for play. There may be other impediments such as tables and chairs, a bar, couches etc. which may limit where we can move kink furniture. Coordinating with local management to set up a play space for a limited time may or may not be an option, but it does not hurt to ask.

Crowd Movement Around the Play Space: Pay attention to the major routes of movement around your potential space. Which way are people traveling? Where are they going? Is it a route to essential services such as restrooms, a first aid station, or (chuckles) the bar? If you are able, pick a play space, or set up the play space so people only need to move on one side or another. Again, keep in mind your backswing area and over travel area for certain types of toys.

At one mixed venue club we attend regularly, our group takes over an elevated stage which is just about the right amount of room for a spank bench or horse and enough standoff to conduct flogging. Being bordered on three sides by couches (occupied by our friends) we are able to control the space fairly well.

Crowd Monitoring: We may need not just a Dungeon Monitor but someone to pay attention to what the crowd is doing. Often others in the immediate area will not understand what they are seeing and may try to encroach on the space in one way or another. The DM must have the ability to watch both play and monitor the crowd. In some cases, there may need to be more than one DM for the scene. Regardless, our DM needs to have the understanding that many of the people around them, do not know what is safe, needed, or expected. The ability to keep a cool head and explain things calmly will help greatly.

Crowd Composition: Let’s face it, some of the play we can get into can seem pretty rough, if not actually rough, to the uneducated observer. Edge type play in a mixed venue is probably not a good idea. Knives, hook suspensions, scat, piss, roman showers, blood etc. can get the average Joe or Jane all worked up and upset. Giving consideration to the crowd you will be in front of, can prevent Joe/Jane from having the compelling need to save your bottom from you and putting your DM in a bad position. Not saying you cannot do these and other things, just saying you should think about it first and plan accordingly.

Be Open to Questions: After the scene, when appropriate for you, be willing to answer questions for those who are curious. This is your opportunity to talk about not just the scene, but why things were set up the way they were, etiquette, as well as other points we simply take for granted. Remember, they likely do not know, be kind.

Final Thoughts

We all want to have the safest play possible, have successful events, and forward a good impression of kink, BDSM, and our Lifestyle. A little extra time and planning can help make that happen. How we conduct our play in mixed venues gives us the ability to be good kink ambassadors. We can show through our actions, how we handle onlookers, and answering questions that kink is more than just slapping people around and skull fucking.

There is always a way to have our fun in these environments, we just have to be flexible about it. So go out and get your kink on!

Your Kink Is Not My Kink But That’s OK

May 1, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

hot lesbian rope bunnies — via stock.adobe.com

Ask any clustered group of kinksters what their rules are and you’ll get a variety of responses. Some may talk about what they restrict or their version of dungeon etiquette. One of our biggest places of disagreement lies in those details. However, there is one thing most everyone can agree on: as long as the parties involved are able to consent, kinksters should be free to do whatever “their thing” is without judgement. By able to consent, of course, that leaves three very important groups out of our kinking: anyone under the age of consent; anyone whose ability to give consent is impaired, such as by drugs, alcohol, or a disability which would impact that function; and animals, who cannot speak to give consent. Often, those who have been around a while may assume this understanding is a natural one for anyone coming into the kink community, but it is always important to clearly state these things rather than to assume others come equipped with the knowledge.

Start talking about things like SSC and the fights break out. Sure safe, sane, and consensual is a way to handle your kink business. Others will argue that half this stuff isn’t sane, so they follow RACK (risk aware consensual kink). I personally prefer RASH, an acronym a friend shared with me, which stands for risk aware, shit happens. Because it does. We’re still all pretty much on board with that consensual word.

So now that we’ve got a clear understanding of who cannot consent to our kinky fun, and that consent is key to all this, anything else goes, right? Well, sure, except I can’t tell you how often I see judgement from people coming into kink spaces. Maybe that judgement is towards a specific kink in a negative way – I see this sometimes with people dealing with littles and those who participate in ABDL. I believe that acronym stands for adult baby diaper lover, though this is not an area I specialize in, so my apologies if I have used incorrect terminology. Y’all get the gist, though. Those groups can often feel separated from the rest of the kink community because others have a preconceived notion of what that kink entails and have decided it’s “icky.” They aren’t the only ones who corner the market on receiving judgement. For a bunch of people who say we’re open-minded and accepting, kinksters can be among the judgiest of judgy bastards. Rainbow play (vomit), scat, feet, clowns, consensual non-consent (CNC), needles, a ball gag made of teeth, whatever it is, many people have something they may privately need to get a cookie when it happens at an event AND THAT’S 100% OKAY. I want to be very clear. No one should ever feel forced to watch or participate in anything that may upset, disturb, or trigger them. Again, to be clear, I use the word triggered as in a to trigger a PTSD response, not as in taking offense, though if something may be offensive, that is another good reason to step away from a scene and visit the kitchen for a cookie. Or a snack. Or go outside for a smoke. Or whatever someone needs to do to provide self care.

What isn’t okay is to stand around saying belittling things about others’ kinks, whether that’s while watching a scene in a dungeon or talking to someone on the internet. There should only be one question: is it consensual by all participants. If the answer is yes, don’t say anything if you don’t like it, just walk away. Don’t type out how abusive someone’s partner is for whatever was done in that photo on Fet. Keep that shit to yourself. You may have some kink others feel the same way about. Do you want to come to a community where you should be safe to do all those delightfully deviant things we all say we’re here for without overhearing someone say “Ew, gross” in the midst of it? I do. I love the feeling of safety I have to be my authentic self within the kink community. If hearing Judgy McJudgerson yuck your kinks sounds fun to you, in that case you can get that from Vanilla World™, or negotiate for someone to do that consensually. The rest of us prefer to kink in peace without a Karen telling the manager we should be removed for being icky.

PSA: This goes for polyamory, too. Stop judging others for how they set up their relationships. The only time it is your business is when you’ve been invited to be part of it, and then you have every right to choose not to engage with someone you don’t feel practices the style of poly which works for you.

Remember, people, we’re all fellow humans trying to walk paths which aren’t always well-traversed. Show grace and acceptance to others. Or, to sum up, don’t be a dick.

Here endith the lesson.

This week in kink news: May 3, 2021

May 1, 2021 By Dexx 2 Comments

The lockdowns have changed people’s behavior more than ever!

With this being said, India has become kinkier than ever during these uncertain times.

Click below to read more from PukarNews!

BDSM Report: With lockdowns and work from home, this year has been kinkier than ever in India!

Dive deep into feminism and patriarchy and how these effect white and black women differently.

Click below to learn more from euronews!

Meet RO Kwon, the author that “is changing the way we think about kink!”

Click below to read more about her and her work from AnOther!

Pet Play: A Simple Life

April 24, 2021 By eve 2 Comments

sexy Dom and sub kissing, pet play — via stock.adobe.com

***All pieces of erotica are fictional. We NEVER condone anything is not safe, ethical, and/or consensual

They sit in the franchise coffee shop sipping steaming beverages from oversize mugs, non-descript men, and women. She’s scrolling through her phone. He is cradling his head in his hand and reading a document. He scribbled on the page, and she sat forward to respond to him. No PDA, but you knew they were together. “It is as we discussed. Let me know if we need to change anything,” she said matter of factly as she returned to her original position.

In calligraphy across the page was Contract of Submission: Owner/pup. Their pet names of Mistress Victoria and Kevin the worm and April 19, 2021, were the qualifying details.

The first section was grooming and health. The puppy was to inform Master if he ever felt unwell. He would wear a collar and home and a leather bracelet in public. Puppy is to present a clean bill of health, including STI screening before play.

Owner’s responsibilities

Pup will receive care and attention for his needs. Pet will be watered, walked, and fed, every day. Toys will be provided when the Owner is not available. Pet training and play is 24/ 7 from Friday at 6 to Sunday at 9 pm in the Owner’s home.

Pet will be permitted on the furniture with Owner’s permission. Otherwise, his dog bed or kennel.

Rewards are at Owner’s discretion.

Play will include games like tug of war and wrestling, as well as paddling in the pool. Discipline and punishment may happen during training sessions. The water gun or rolled-up newspaper will be used to draw attention to poor pet habits. All attention will be withdrawn for severe misbehaviour, and Pup will spend no less than 2 hours in his cage without lights or entertainment.

Pet agrees:

He will learn to fetch, heel, beg, do tricks and lay at the Owner’s feet.

He will wear a collar and lead during sessions and be restrained safely.

Pup will use the human toilet and bath regularly. Pup will ask permission to use the toilet by heeling on the right side of the bathroom door and on the left side for bathing and hygiene.

If it is an emergency, the Pup has permission to bark and call attention to his urgent need.

Pup will sleep in his dog run and have his blankets. Occasionally, the dog may be permitted to sleep in Mistress’s room on the floor.

Safewords and a triple clap or tapping stops play immediately.

The terms of the contract will be revisited every three months.

He raised his eyes to meet hers, smiled and signed to document. He slid the paper across the table and waited. She signed it and put it in an envelope. He reached for her hand, but she pulled it away. He whimpered and bowed his head. This 6-foot broad-shouldered rogue of man had the body posture of a naughty schoolboy. He sat silently and focused on this oversized coffee mug. She texted and paid little mind to him. She gets up, touches the top of his head and speaks softly close to his face before she goes to the bathroom. The intensity of the communication was palpable. You could feel his sadness and her displeasure. He finished his drink and was waiting by the door, like a dog awaiting the arrival of his Master. He held the door, and she walkthrough. They wandered towards the far end of the parking, in no particular hurry, despite to cold wind. As they walked, she reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. He seemed to perk up and stand a little taller as they made their way to a giant black SUV. She drove a black escalade with tinted windows. As they approached it, he helped her in and then sat in the back seat. It was difficult to see through the tinted windows, but it was apparent that he was getting a tongue lashing.

They arrived back at the house. She opened the door and let him go in first. Once inside, they put coats on hooks. He continued to undress and placed his clothes in a box at the bottom of the closet. He put black fuzzy mitts on his hands and feet before he got down on all fours. She took a choke chain and heavy metal lead from a hook and placed it around his neck. He raised his head to ease the process but did not move.

“Good, boy, walk on,” she went ahead of him and went to the kitchen. Pup picked up his lead with his mouth and made his way to the kitchen after his Master. He moved on all fours in a practiced manner, his feet were up off the ground, and his knees provide the much need traction on the shiny floor. In the kitchen, he sat near the sink and watched as she began supper prep. She gathered the ingredients and started to chop vegetables. He moved to her side and nudged her thigh with his head, not looking up. She pushed him off but did not make eye contact. All the vegetables were dumped in a colander, rinsed and ready to be cooked. He put his paws up on the counter and yelped—his chain rattling and scraping across the floor.

“Get down, mister,” she said, turning off the water. He did not move and tossed his head towards the vegetable. “Yes, you will get your dinner, now get down” she smiled at his playful, fun-loving nature. She tossed a piece of broccoli along the counter, and he gobbled it down. He went to his water bowl and lapped up some water. Satisfied with the attention, he wanders into the living room to sit on his dog bed.

Cooking smells soon draw Pup’s attention back to the kitchen. Mistress is putting chunks of chicken and vegetables in his food bowl, and for a treat, she tops it with crispy Chinese noodles. Pup bounds in on all fours, this time, he is on his slippered feet, and his hands struggle to not lose his balance. Mistress laughs at the comedy of his movement. He is delighted with her laughter and continues to wave his bottom and toss his head about. After a good laugh, Mistress tells Pup to settle down and eat his dinner. Pup crouches down and eats slowly, careful not to choke. Mistress checks in before she sits at the counter and uses chopsticks to eat her dinner. She scrolls on her phone and replies to messages. As she rinses the dishes and loads, the dishwasher pup watches everything; she does but stays out of her way. As she pours a glass of wine, she hears a yip. He is no longer in the kitchen; he is in front of the bathroom door. Holding his lead in his mouth.

As she removes the leash, she says, “Now, is that the right or left side of the door?” Pup looks confused.

“Potty is the right side of the door, don’t forget.” He bounds to the right side of the door and crouches as if to heel. “Ok, next time, I will remind you with the newspaper.” He bobs his head in understanding and closes the bathroom door behind him.

Mistress leaves her wine in the living room and goes to her room to change out of her business close. It has been a long week. When she comes out of her closet, Pup is on the bed and bouncing around, wanting to play. When he sees her, he freezes and holds eye contact. Flinching to invite Mistress to play. He knows he’s not supposed to be on the bed, but it’s fun to play on the bed. He bounces and motions for her to join him. When she approaches the bed, he comes to meet her using his head and should, rubbing against her hip and stomach, waiting for the attention he so deeply craves. She tussles his hair and strokes down his back. Pup slows and presses himself close to enjoy the closeness. Mistress is very kind and makes him feel special. He can’t contain his excitement and jumps up on her, so she falls on the bed. They wrestle and have playtime until the Pup is tired and lies down.

“Alright, off the bed, let’s go watch a show. How about a game show or a movie, no reality TV?” Pup barks and nods his head in approval. He gets down and makes his way to the living room. Mistress straightens the bed and goes looking for her wine. For the remainder of the night, she watches Tv and drinks wine while he lies close to her feet, content and happy in her company.

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