poly relationships

I’m not “Poly”. I’m a SLUT!

September 12, 2020 By Dame TylerRose. 3 Comments

beautiful pink lips with candy — via stock.adobe.com

There are those who think that the word polyamorous is just a fancy term that means slut. They use it as an excuse to fuck anything that moves and betray their partners. “Oh, but I’m poly!”

No, you’re a slut trying to legitimize using people for your own gratification.

There are those who think the word bisexual means “slut who will fuck anyone”. They are heartily disappointed when the bisexual person they invited to join their bed for an entirely selfish threesome is offended and refuses. “But you’re bi! What’s the problem?”

I’m not polyamorous. I’m not looking for love or committed relationships. I want SEX with dudes who have a penis attached to their body. I want lots of sex with lots of dudes. Preferably dudes with enough stamina to keep up with me and go the distance. (Dudes, do NOT skip leg day!~ And do more crunches while you’re at it. Put a twenty pound weight on your butt and do pushups. Turn yourself over and put it on your crotch and do thrust-ups too.)

I’m a slut. I admit it freely, happily. I managed to get in a slut phase before I turned fifty. YAY ME!!!

I told a woman at an event some time back that I am the world’s most socially awkward slut. She said “There is no whore bigger than me in the world.” What a terrific moment of personal honesty. I don’t think I’ll forget it for a very long time. We actually worked out a deal that she would happily suck the cock and I’d take them on when they were fucking too long for her.

It’s time for unicorn hunters to stop treating bisexuals as their personal slut supply. It’s damned disrespectful.

It’s time for sluts to stop using polyamory as an excuse to cover being a slut. It’s deceptive and cruel to those looking for love and commitment.

Just own it already!

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.

FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Is Long-Term Poly Possible?

July 10, 2017 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

I have already written some articles on kinkweekly.com on polyamory. Still, I get quizzed on poly triads more than on any other BDSM topic. Perhaps it is the fantasy. The Dom/me having two slaves to serve him/her is ultra hot. But I am talking about more than just a casual threesome which happens as much in the vanilla world as around here. I am examining long-term poly relationships and the big question, “Is long-term poly really possible?”

In my opinion, in the short term, the answer is definitely yes. The excitement of a new poly relationship is much like the “honeymoon” period of any liaison. And it works for a while. As to long-term polyamory, that is a bit more problematical. BDSM relationships between two people are notoriously short-lived. When you add a third human being into the D/s mix, you are just complexifying (my word!) an already hard-to-maintain relationship. I am living testament to this sad truth; I personally have gone oh-for-two in long-term triads. (Of course there are many long-lived, wonderful poly relationships. But these are the exceptions, not the rule.)

So why is polyamory so difficult? In the typical poly relationship with an alpha and a beta slave, someone is voluntarily accepting being lower on the totem pole. The concept of “I live for my Master/Mistress and will serve him/her as the “beta slave” works fine in theory – or online! But this is a hard mental space to maintain in real time. Most people, in any type of relationship from fetish to vanilla, like to be ‘numero uno’ with respect to their significant other. And the alpha, although first in the pecking order, still must learn to share the Master/Mistress. For both submissives, this is easier said than done.

Unlearning ego, jealousy and possessiveness, which both the beta and the alpha slave must do, is extremely difficult. But although it is difficult, it is not impossible. In order to override these natural needs, both slaves must ultimately embrace — whether through training or other means — their respective statuses.

I might add that in the poly world the most popular arrangement seems to be an alpha-beta hierarchy for the submissives. But there are other polyamory systems. The alpha-alpha structure of two equal slaves is another way of setting up poly. As I had stated in a previous article, I believe that an “alpha-alpha” system might be easier to maintain for the Dominant. If the Dom/me can divide his/her attentions somewhat evenly, resentment can be eliminated as a divisive issue. After all, there is no “beta slave” who, by definition, gets less attention. I think this is less adversarial to human nature than alpha-beta and likely easier to maintain in the long run. But this is just a guess. We are dealing with human relationships here, not science. And many other systems keep popping up as people experiment in ways to make poly work.

As much as I love poly, I truly believe it is antithetical to basic human nature. It requires work to overcome this hurdle. A lot of work. If a Master/Mistress has accomplished the formidable task of finding/training two slaves who are totally happy serving, I believe it is less about the system/hierarchy than about the basic compatibility of the three people. I think this is the key. You can talk about alpha/beta or an alpha/alpha type arrangements until you are blue in the face. Ultimately, my two failed attempts at long-term poly were unsuccessful because the people involved weren’t comfortable with each other over time. And that is the key.

Getting two people to be intimate over a long period is tough enough. (Just look at the divorce rates.) So imagine the odds of three people getting on in a demanding D/s arrangement. “Is long-term poly possible?” The answer is “yes,” – but it might take a while before three ultra-compatible lifestylers are found.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

One kinky, One vanilla, One roof

December 26, 2016 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

Often times an already established couple enters the scene together. Perhaps they’ve been dating a while, living together, or even married. They start going to a few classes and a munch or two. Perhaps they make it out to a party and start including kink during their “sexy time”. Unfortunately, after giving it a good shot, one partner just isn’t feeling it. Partner A feels like they hit a jackpot of new experiences and is so excited to plunge into the deep end of kink. Partner B has given a genuine effort, yet nothing they’ve learned about or tried has interested them. So now what? Well, in this case both partners are aware of what’s out there and kink has been put on the table. At this point partner B has the decision to either swallow their disinterest and attempt to “play along” because they see partner A’s excitement or to have an honest conversation with partner A about how they feel. I know this won’t shock you, but I suggest the second option. Many people may choose the first option because they are afraid if they let their partner know they aren’t interested that they’ll lose them. The problem here is that kink isn’t something you can fake for long, especially as you delve deeper. It will eventually surface and when it does it is bound to not end well. At the very least the kinky partner may feel resentment about their partner not being really honest with them. It’s better to have a frank conversation and evaluate what’s most important and how to handle the difference of interest.

Another scenario is when one person starts to research and explore kink but doesn’t bring their partner along at first. This is usually due to them assuming their partner won’t be into it or they are simply ashamed or embarrassed by their kinky interests. Given this situation there are several options. One option I don’t recommend is continuing to explore kink in secret. They end up almost living a double life and it usually still gets revealed eventually – and by then there is much more betrayal that has happened. Another option is to come to the conclusion that they can live without kink and continue to suppress their desires. This option is less than appealing due to the fact that they are possibly living a life that is less than satisfying. This can lead to resentment eventually as well. I do recommend communicating the interests with the partner. This option can lead to several outcomes. The best outcome, of course, is revealing the desire to explore kink and finding out their partner is interested and willing to explore with them. Another positive outcome is if their partner isn’t interested, yet is willing to negotiate ways for the interested partner to explore kink without them.

The saddest outcome, of course, is if they can’t find common ground or room for compromise and the relationship comes to an end. Keep in mind there is a lot of wiggle room before they have to get to this point. There are many possibilities for making it work in some way. However, if they just can’t make it work it’s probably better to part ways. If the kink partner has realized that kink is that important in their life and the vanilla partner really wants nothing to do with it and can’t be a part of their partner exploring outside of the relationship then this may be the best option. If not, I believe the relationship will still end, but it may be more like removing the bandage very slowly as opposed to ripping it off and hopefully parting in a friendly way. To end this article on a positive note I will say that I have seen many couples in my therapy practice where one person thinks their partner won’t be into kink find out that they were wrong and that their partner is totally willing to check it out and may even love it!

Bottom line is be true to yourself and your partner!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

NRE: New Relationship Energy

November 28, 2016 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

“New relationship energy (often abbreviated as NRE) is a state of mind experienced at the beginning of most significant sexual and romantic relationships, typically involving heightened emotional and sexual receptivity and excitement. It begins with the earliest attractions, grows into full force when mutuality is established, and slowly fades over months to years. It carries an implication of contrast with the feelings involved with “old” or an ongoing relationship.” (Wikipedia)

While the dynamics described by NRE are common to almost all relationships, the term is particularly common in the polyamorous community, in large part because polyamorous people often experience new relationship energy alongside ongoing but older relationships which they also wish to maintain. This can be the basis for one of the most common issues I see arise with poly clients. The “original” partner feels the effects of the NRE when one or more of their partners is starting a new relationship. This is a common place for insecurities to emerge and feelings of jealousy, fear and/or sadness can arise.

So what are a couple of tips for surviving NRE in a poly dynamic?

First is awareness. Once you, as a couple, decide to open your dynamic to additional partners or if you come together as a poly couple from the start – knowing NRE will occur is extremely helpful. Part of that awareness is understanding the physical changes it creates.

“That’s right we are actually experiencing changes in brain chemistry – increased dopamine and norepinephrine in particular. New relationships light up the pleasure centers of the brain, including what are known as the addiction-like drives in the brain meaning the drive to get MORE of that as soon as possible. These parts of our brains give us more energy, they can cause us to maintain focused attention and an intense yearning for the recent source of our pleasure. During this early phase of attraction people find that they need less sleep, have strong emotions, may experience intrusive thinking about the person they are drawn to, find it hard to focus on normal daily tasks, and have a heightened sex drive.” Melissa Fritchle, 6/2013

Second is kindness. Be kind to one another during this transitionary phase. If you’re the partner that’s starting a new relationship, try to maintain awareness of how you’re acting around your longer-term person. When you are with them give them your full attention even though you have “puppy love brain”. Keep in mind they may be struggling a bit and may need a little more reassurance than normal. Also, don’t abandon your responsibilities. You may want to spend all your time with the new partner, but that’s no excuse for leaving your long term partner to pick up your slack when it comes to shared household, children, or other responsibilities.

If you are the long-term partner, try to keep in mind that this is a normal and temporary phase your person is going through. Their actions aren’t personal and you have entered into a poly agreement because you agree that multiple loves don’t diminish what you have together. Make an attempt to self-sooth when you feel some jealousy – whether it’s self-talk, leaning on friends, or even therapy. However, that being said, don’t stuff your feelings only to have them evolve into resentment or anger later on. Communicate with your partner. Take ownership of your feelings yet let them know if you’re having a tough time.

Especially if this is a first time transition for you as individuals or as a couple – be patient with one another. NRE is probably something you both enjoyed at the start of your relationship and it’s bound to occur with every new relationship ahead. So be aware, communicate, and be kind to one another.

Two Dom or Not Two Dom

July 11, 2016 By Jenn Masri Leave a Comment

That is the question. How the heck can having two Doms in your life work? (For purposes of this article I am using “Dom” as reference to a D-type regardless of gender identity.) We are all used to seeing the Dom with more than one sub. Minus the complications and issues that sometimes come along with the poly aspect of that situation, the “one Dom, two subs” (or more) makes sense to us. It’s a structure with one leader, one person calling the shots. So how can it work to have two leaders in control of one mutual partner? Here we are back to that good ol’ thing we call communication. Plus a good dose of negotiation and a dash of compromise.

Let’s start with a few less even situations. One sub has two Doms, but is married, cohabiting and/or maybe has children with one of them. Typically in this type of situation the other Dom would yield authority when it interferes with domestic or family situations. Perhaps one is a Monday thru Friday Dom and the other is a weekend Dom – for example, they negotiate power exchange for parties plus perhaps they are allowed a certain number of tasks to be given throughout the week. Maybe one Dom is only interested in domestic service and so they have certain days that the sub spends time doing those domestic services for them – cleaning, errands, etc.

It can become a bit more difficult when there isn’t a more clear distinction between the two Doms like in the above examples. So consider it a situation similar to a poly situation where the sub has two people they are involved with. Except now – add the power exchange. In my opinion it can become very confusing very quickly if clear boundaries and expectations aren’t discussed from the start. One simple way to look at it is similar to how poly couples divide their time. Figure out days that work for the sub to be with each Dom and each Dom respects the other Dom’s time with the sub. Perhaps a rare, yet not impossible, situation is when you have more of a triad dynamic with two Doms. The two Doms working together within the power exchange. Perhaps they all play together, have a physical relationship that includes all three, and the two Doms assign tasks and lead the sub as a joint force. How much, of course, depends on how much of a power exchange has been negotiated.

I’ve given you a handful of possibilities as far as how to go about the “two doms, one sub” relationship. Not that this will be shocking to most people – but there are probably one hundred more variations of how this might work for people. The key is for everyone to be on board and be willing to talk and figure out what works best for all involved. It also helps for the Doms to not get too caught up with issues of ego or pride. A good healthy relationship between the Doms (even if it’s not a triad) does not hurt in these cases. So, no, it’s not impossible to have more than one Dom. Just like with anything else it simply takes a bit more energy and a willingness to embrace the possibility!

poly relationships

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