• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • About
  • New to kink?
    • Articles for beginners
  • Contribute
  • BDSM Buying Guide

Kink Weekly

BDSM articles ideas bondage erotica resource

Home » solo polyamory

solo polyamory

Conversations Around Mental Health

November 22, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 3 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy
via stock.adobe.com

These times, am I right? If you’d asked me five years ago, I couldn’t have imagined the person I am today, let alone that this is what my daily life would look like. That’s a difficult thing for just about anyone, let alone overplanners like me.

I’ve always been someone who is pretty even-tempered. Most of my friends have never seen me angry, and I’m often the cheerful one. My partner and I don’t have many areas where friction is likely to occur, and on the off chance that some does, we have systems in our D/s that are designed to handle them.

It’s a good life.

I set this up not to brag, but to make it clear that my struggles with mental health issues since March have been unexpected and completely new territory for us as partners, and for us in the larger framework of our poly sphere. This isn’t to say that I haven’t had issues in my life which needed addressing, but anxiety, depression and other spectres which can be treated chemically were virtual unknowns.

The pandemic has been a learning experience for me, for us, in so many ways. I have the ability to work remotely. It limits my income and my hours, but I made that transition mid-March, shortly after spring break, when my partner also made the transition. We went from seeing one another a few hours every day to sharing office space every single day. That feels as though it requires emphasis. Every. Single. Day.

I’ve read articles that say part of our (as a society) difficulties in relationships are partly because of high stress levels which make people more agitated and partly because when we never leave one another, we can’t miss each other. We don’t have those times to reminisce about the good qualities our partners have, just the constant annoyances.

I’ve been lucky in that area. My nesting partner has few qualities I find obnoxious, so my main struggles have been with fear. I fear the unknown, I fear him contracting the virus and dying, I fear death, and I am afraid of what tomorrow will look like.

In the beginning, that made getting out of bed difficult. I found myself trying to sleep more, or burying my head in a mindless phone game to avoid having to think too much, since thinking always led back to the inevitable unknown. It was a pretty vicious cycle. I devoured news articles since for me, knowlege tends to help me feel more in-control. My partner saw that I was not okay. He began limiting my news intake by making me take time off from those things, hoping to help me find a more even keel. I was having small anxiety attacks when I grocery shopped, so he began finding delivery options that limited my interactions outside of the house. His other partner was isolating for weeks before coming to see him to make sure she wasn’t bringing deadly germs into the house. iMy anxiety levels were off the charts and I had no idea what to do. He saw that I was less productive, but it can be difficult enough to admit to ourselves when we’re not fine, let alone finding the words to admit it to someone else.

It wasn’t until the dam broke that I reached out for help. I had made it through a month and a half of the stormy seas of heightened anxiety when we learned that my daughter would have to return to work in a job which required her to come into physical contact with other people. I started crying and I couldn’t stop, and finally called my general practitioner seeking some kind of medicinal intervention. He prescribed a stopgap, and I finally had to sit down with my partner and try to put my feelings into words.

We moved out that weekend, into a living situation which better lent itself to isolating. We collected the vulnerable members of our family and shored up against outsiders. We left my daughter in our house, and I only had to take the anxiety meds when I left the house to collect groceries. We waited for any word that masks were effective, finally running across a test case of live exposure with the potential for superspread, only to have it bumped from the news. We searched for weeks for more information, relieved beyond measure when it came. It was finally safe to return home.

Going home didn’t mean my anxiety was gone. It meant my partner had to keep an eye on me for signs that I might need to medicate. I explored other possibilities, such as counseling, but talking about my anxieties only served to exacerbate them.

My partner began scheduling time for us in a friend’s pool. It was the most human interaction outside of one another that we’d had for months. We’d go swim, and it was like the stress and anxiety melted away, giving us back our humanity for just a little while. It was like lancing a wound – the poison seeped out. It wasn’t healed, but it improved dramatically.

We’ve had to find ways to steal pieces of “normal.” We’ve found that being able to do so safely has been hugely important to my mental health. As it got cold enough that the pool was less attractive, we moved to the occasional indoor game night with those friends, who were also isolating. We added two other friends to our QuaranTeam, our Perv Pod, and we made arrangements to attend our local dungeon together. The space seemed awfully empty, but before too long, the delicious sounds of four bottoms screeching at non-regular intervals and the cracks of whips and sounds of other impact filled the space in ways our physical presence could not.

Our vacation was cancelled, unsurprisingly. So we made plans with that same group to rent a house on the water down south, drove in a caravan, stopped for groceries, and spent a few days taking turns with cooking, playing board games, and fishing off of the back deck of the house. We are finding ways to regain our joy.

I still have to take my anxiety meds. My Dominant makes sure to keep track of how often I need them, and if it starts becoming more frequent, to check on my mental state more regularly. He’s relaxed some rules for the duration of this – I’m allowed more stuffies in the bed as long as the pile stays on my side, and he let me get a new wardrobe of super fluffy pajama pants to work in.

I still don’t know what tomorrow will look like. I try not to think too hard about that. We’re tentatively planning Thanksgiving with our Germ Pod. Even though I cried when I realized the rest of my family wouldn’t be able to join us, it’s better than it could be, and better than it was back in early June.

I know it can be hard to admit it, but it is so important to ccommunicate mental health challenges to partners. There are so many resources out there, help is available. It just takes sliding one foot forward for that very first step. ‘


Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: aftercare, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, boundaries, communication, mental health, poly dating, poly family, poly relationships, polyamory, relationship management, solo polyamory

When Your Poly Feels Like A House Of Cards

October 17, 2020 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

poly triad, beautiful people
via stock.adobe.com

There is a great deal of therapy in sharing myself with you.  It requires me to think carefully about myself, and often confront feelings and ideas that I have struggled with.

I have never written for the benefit of others.  I write because it gives me clarity.  I write because I am my own worst opponent.  I write as a way to listen to myself.

But I started being honest and transparent as a benefit to others.

I have spoken openly that I spent my younger years being a mediator.  In fact, looking back, the only reason I had friends was because I was beneficial to them.  I would cover for their lies, soothe the feathers of those who were offended, and offer ideas free of charge.  I did not start drama, nor did I perpetuate it.

I simply spent my life trying to be useful.

Why?  

Because my biggest fundamental flaw is the core belief I hold.  It is burned upon the walls of my mind, stamped by the hottest iron.  

“I am measured by my usefulness.  When I cease to be useful, then I will be thrown out like trash.”

That is one of three toxic beliefs that I own.  Welcome to my logical world.  I am aware of my toxic beliefs and traits.  I know where my anxiety is from and why I feel and think as I do.

I just do not have the tools to change it.

Yet.

As I have written before, my Master and my wife have been cornerstones in helping me learn to cope, and how to be myself without judgement.  They have taught me that it is ok to be opinionated and boisterous, to have quiet, withdrawn days, to be outgoing and friendly, or to just be alone.  They have taught me that my own expectations are the most important.  My dynamic with Master and my marriage to my wife develop and grow as I do.  

That which grows must be cultivated.

That which you neglect, will wither.

That which withers cannot always be saved.

My house is built on a foundation of four.  

We are a closed, polyquad consisting of two married couples.  This means that we all have relationships with each other and none outside of our “core.”

Core- this is my word to represent the four of us.  

As I have built my foundation, here is how it works.

I have a 24/7 D/s dynamic with Master.  I am his collared submissive and we engage in a Power exchange relationship.  This dynamic does not exist for either of us with either of our other partners.

I am married to wife B.  She was my first girlfriend and we have been together for 12 years now.  We have explored all sorts of dynamics and found our happiness in just going with the flow.  We want to roleplay tonight? Sweet.  We want to sit naked and play Xbox? Awesome.  We want to go to an all you can eat sushi place and gossip?  Perfect, I’ll get the car.  

Wife B also has DID.  So, for one of her alters, I am Diddy.  She is four.  I take care of her like any parent.  She makes me laugh a lot.  We do a lot of Xbox, coloring, and lately, puzzles.  She is energetic and always excited to tell me about her day.  She is my pride and joy.

I consider these two relationships very strong.  I feel we compliment each other and help each other with personal growth.

But that leaves one person out, doesn’t it?

I told you I built my foundation on four people.  Often, I only ever mention two plus myself.  If I passed elementary math, 2+1=3.

Three is less than four.

So, where is number four?

I have been asking the same thing…for quite a long time.

Maybe, if I tell you our story, you can help me find her.

I met wife A (who is married to Master) at work.  She was kind, bubbly, and had a very familial feeling to her.  In fact, many called her mom at work.  We were acquaintances for a few months.  We talked very little of things outside of work.

Then, one day, I was sitting in our office and she is talking to me and her speech is…off.  I can tell she is upset.  So, I asked.  

And the floodgates opened.

There, before me, was a woman sobbing because her husband was diagnosed with cancer.  She had a preteen and a couple of dogs, but most of the family lives elsewhere.

So, I told her to take some time and if she needed to talk, I’d listen.

In fact, she did talk to me.  She even invited me over to play cards.  I was invited to the bar to meet her husband and a few friends of theirs.  It was some of the first connections I made after moving out here.  My family is two states away and my wife’s is all on the East Coast.  It was nice to be a part of something…even if I didn’t know her husband’s name for near seven months after hanging out.  

My wife started house sitting for them when He had treatments.  What started as two days of staying over led to a week.  Then two.  Then, at one point, we barely left.  I paid rent for eight months on an apartment I never went to….just to finish my lease.

Then, one night, about a year or so after I met her, the four of us had a night of drinking to celebrate His remission.  Somewhere, between drink two and four, we broke all the poly rules.

Someone made a joke about how much time we spent together.  One of us commented that we might as well be dating.  It’s all a little blurry to be honest.

Two weeks later, we negotiated the rules for our polyquad.

None of us had successfully been poly prior.  Several had issues with cheating or being cheated on.  

But we all consented.

So, what the hell, why not?

Friendly PSA: please do not use this story as a how-to for poly.  It is not, in any way, a good reference for the average individual

Three months later, my wife and I had to leave our apartment due to a toxic situation with a roommate.  They gave us a place to stay.  Seven days to Christmas, we moved in.  We were set to stay only until tax time.  Then, when tax time came, we talked it through, and decided to make the situation permanent.

We have been together ever since.

But, somewhere on this journey, wife A and I got lost.  She took a left and I didn’t.  

So, now, we are strangers.  We are strangers to each other and strangers in our relationship.

But, she’s still Master’s wife.

There are a lot of reasons that her and I are disconnected.

She has had some long-term medical issues.  I work a lot.  She struggles with communicating and I lack general sympathy.  I work long, odd hours and our schedules rarely meet.  We both have mental health issues.  We have different love languages.

But, the more I list it out, the more I hear excuses.  

The truth it, we stopped trying.  While she was wrapped up in her medical issues and struggled to communicate, I felt pushed away and I stopped listening.

I became bitter and disillusioned.  I wanted the relationship to come as naturally as it did with my other two partners.  I wanted her to see all the little things and be as observant as I am.  I wanted things she has not learned how to give.  And instead of showing patience, I cut myself off.

Because I was scared.

What if it didn’t work?  Would I lose everyone else in the process?  Would I be left alone because I couldn’t listen, or help her get better, or be patient enough?

Would I be considered “useless” if I failed?

Useless things get thrown out.

So, I chose to separate us.  I worked hard on my relationships with Master and wife B.  I stayed out of Wife A”s way.  I made sure I never asked for time with Master if she was home, so I wouldn’t be in the way.  I made sure I never made plans on days off from work just in case things had to change.  I made sure I did not argue, or disagree, with her so I wouldn’t cause problems.

I did everything I could to become invisible.  Exactly like I felt.

Because I was bitter at being pushed away.  And I was hurt that I felt she was not listening when I spoke.  After a while, I gave up.

I stopped being understanding that she was dealing with chronic medical problems and mental health.  I stopped giving her the benefit of doubt that I afforded my other spouses.

And the silence between is has become the Berlin Wall.

It separates us so firmly that we are never in the same room…even when we are inches apart.  We stopped listening.  We stopped watching.  We stopped caring.

I love her.  I can say that with absolute certainty.

But we are strangers.

Now, after two years of everything breaking down, I’m staring at her through the broken lens of my camera and I’m trying to capture what we had.

I think, that is why we are struggling.

Every moment, big and small, shapes who we are.  I’ve learned, through a lot of betrayal, that functioning with minimal emotion, and a guarded heart, gets me the farthest in life.

It allows me to be logical and understanding.  It does not make me the best wife, however.

In fact, my emotional range, led me to a point in my own marriage, where wife B told me, “I love you, I just don’t know if I’m in love with you anymore.”

Those are the hardest words I have ever had to hear.  But they got my ass to listen.

And reflect.

And change.

Now, I am hoping that those same words, that once burned and broke me, can help me find wife A and allow us to try again.

This time, I have the support of two partners, whom I consider myself to have strong relationships with.

Maybe, just maybe, her and I will learn we are not alone anymore.

We have people to lean on.  We have people who want what is best for us.  We have people who will tell us honestly when we fuck up.

I know one thing for sure.

I am not looking for nor expecting an apology.

I am looking for a stranger to join me at the table and help me build back up my house of cards.


My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tagged With: communication, ethical non-monogamy, poly relationships, polyamory, solo polyamory, swingers, swinging, triads

I’m not “Poly”. I’m a SLUT!

September 12, 2020 By Dame TylerRose. 3 Comments

beautiful pink lips with candy
via stock.adobe.com

There are those who think that the word polyamorous is just a fancy term that means slut. They use it as an excuse to fuck anything that moves and betray their partners. “Oh, but I’m poly!”

No, you’re a slut trying to legitimize using people for your own gratification.

There are those who think the word bisexual means “slut who will fuck anyone”. They are heartily disappointed when the bisexual person they invited to join their bed for an entirely selfish threesome is offended and refuses. “But you’re bi! What’s the problem?”

I’m not polyamorous. I’m not looking for love or committed relationships. I want SEX with dudes who have a penis attached to their body. I want lots of sex with lots of dudes. Preferably dudes with enough stamina to keep up with me and go the distance. (Dudes, do NOT skip leg day!~ And do more crunches while you’re at it. Put a twenty pound weight on your butt and do pushups. Turn yourself over and put it on your crotch and do thrust-ups too.)

I’m a slut. I admit it freely, happily. I managed to get in a slut phase before I turned fifty. YAY ME!!!

I told a woman at an event some time back that I am the world’s most socially awkward slut. She said “There is no whore bigger than me in the world.” What a terrific moment of personal honesty. I don’t think I’ll forget it for a very long time. We actually worked out a deal that she would happily suck the cock and I’d take them on when they were fucking too long for her.

It’s time for unicorn hunters to stop treating bisexuals as their personal slut supply. It’s damned disrespectful.

It’s time for sluts to stop using polyamory as an excuse to cover being a slut. It’s deceptive and cruel to those looking for love and commitment.

Just own it already!


TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.

FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Tagged With: bdsm play, fetish, kink, kink positivity, kitchen table poly, one night stands, poly relationships, polyamory, sex positivity, sexual expression, sexual health, sexual safety, slut shaming, solo polyamory, swingers

Primary Sidebar

Don’t miss out!

Get an email each week when new editions are online
We won't spam you, and you can
easily unsubscribe at any time

Sale – today only

Bondage kinks coffee mug

Put a smile on your face each morning

Support Kink Weekly on Patreon!

Become a Patron!

Help keep us online and get
epic good karma (and no ads)

Already a supporter? We love you! Visit here to enable ad-free browsing.

Get

 

Red mini-dress

Contribute

Want to feature your writing or photography on Kink Weekly? Are you an BDSM/sex expert or professional, and interested in being quoted in an article? Contact us

Archives

sexy blonde Domme with male submissive in straitjacket

Simple Mummification Fun!

By PirateStan Leave a Comment

Learn helpful mummification techniques in this week’s edition!

shibari male submissive bound

Why Excellent Submission Can Be Remarkably Illusive

By Ms. RikaLeave a Comment

Dive deep into submission with Ms. Rika in this week’s edition!

Footer

18 U.S.C. 2257 record keeping compliance statement
Always play
Safe Sane and Consensual

Copyright © 2023 · News Pro On Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in