mental health

Rebuilding After Trauma

May 27, 2021 By Joji Sada 3 Comments

Shibari male submissive bound — via stock.adobe.com

There are many commonalities in the kink community. As hard as it is to admit, many of us have a history of trauma. Though the causes vary, they impact our interactions in BDSM heavily. So we are going to explore what you can do if you need to renegotiate or build a scene after recent trauma.

Trauma is defined as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.”

This is a broad definition. We often equate trauma to incidents that result in physical injuries or abuse. But trauma can be anything. Trauma can happen as a result of a death in the family, stress from work or family, near death experiences, abuse, accidents, and mental health imbalances. This is, by no means, a comprehensive list.

For example, due to repeated deaths in my family in a short period of time, and a couple of traumatic experiences from when I was a teenager, I deal with the effects of PTSD. My brain just sort of short circuits at times. On an average day, it does not affect me much because I have learned to cope with it. However, when I delve into play, the closer I get to sub space, the less control I have in my head. Sometimes, that means disassociation. Sometimes it is moments of extreme panic or fear.

Outside of play, and regardless of the control you have over your mental health, your trauma does influence all aspects of your life. It can change the route you take home from work or where you work. It can change how you sleep or whether the light stays on at night. It can affect how you talk and who you talk to.

In kink, and often as a result of trauma, many suffer the effects of PTSD, severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, fear of men/women, nightmares/ Night terrors, and more. Some people lose their sense of self and their independence.

Some seek help. Some don’t. Some find relief in a bottle and some in pills. Some never sleep and some only sleep. Some learn to cope, and some don’t. Some move on and some don’t. Some give up and some don’t.

It is an individual experience and recovery.

As mentioned previously, you don’t need to look hard to find a lot of trauma survivors in BDSM and Kink. We all have our own reasons for delving into kink and dealing with our mental health.

Some use kink to reclaim their independence. It allows them to reclaim the moments they felt helpless and take back control. Some use kink for coping.

And, for some, they attempt to keep their trauma and their kink separate.

I do not personally believe the last statement is possible. Even the most careful of individuals can be triggered unintentionally. Because of this, it is important to figure out how to renegotiate and build a scene after trauma, to meet the needs of both yourself and your partner(s).

The steps below are built on the premise that you were involved in kink prior to the traumatic event.

Step 1: Be honest (to yourself and your partner) about your mental and physical state.

As much as we would love to pretend the trauma has never happened, it did. You and your partner need to accept that. You also need to clearly state your current needs. Do not allow yourself or your partner to assume that your wants, needs, and desires are the same as they were prior to the traumatic event.

Step 2: Negotiate with what you can do, not what you can’t

Feeling powerless is common with trauma. You may find yourself hesitant or even fearful of things you consider to be “simple.” There is no shame in doing what is best for you. If you cannot handle hugs any longer, or need someone to ask ahead of doing so, be clear in those expectations. Because there may be so many more things that you cannot do/have done as before, it is important to not lose yourself in what you “cannot do.” Instead of negotiating with your partner about what is off-limits, change the parameters.

“I would like you to do X, but I need you to keep eye contact with me.”

“I would like to feel your weight on me, but without restraint.”

“I need you to use my name when you talk to me. Please speak clearly so I know it is you.”

“I need skin to skin contact and I need you to stay above the waist.”

“I want to be flogged with my shirt on.”

Any of these options are considered green behaviors for this individual. It states what you wish to do and how it needs to be done to minimize triggering.

Step 3: Watch for frenzy. It can happen after long bouts of inactivity, not just to people new to the lifestyle.

Sometimes we remove ourselves from kink all together when trauma occurs. When we feel strong enough to get back into the scene, it is easy to lose yourself into frenzy. The feelings that you had thought forgotten come rushing back, and with it, so does the desire to get back into everything.

Watching for frenzy also means watching for extreme drop. We, as people, like to believe that we will always be able to do everything at the level we currently do it. Maybe, prior to your break, you could take an hour long beating with a cane. Most likely, after that break, you will not be able to. To play safely, it is better to start as though you are new and gauge your tolerance from there. But it can be a blow to both your ego and your self-esteem to “feel less than” we once were. Tolerance can be relearned. Pushing too fast, though, can reignite the trauma responses that required the break in the first place.

Step 4: If needed, write down the negotiation. This way you can review it and revisit it before play, if needed.

I am not suggesting a contract. I am suggesting more of a journaling exercise. Write down where you want to start, your goals, and your reactions to things as they occur.

This includes determining who will be involved in the scene, participating or watching? What will happen? What is your safeword? What are the boundaries? Are the scene boundaries different than your everyday ones? Do you have a panic option if your safeword becomes unuseable?

What happens though if the trauma happens during kink? Or if it happens with your current partner? Does that change how we renegotiate or build a scene?

In my mind, it does.

Trust is paramount in a dynamic. When that trust wavers, it can make kink so much more dangerous. For example, you can lose the comfort and confidence needed to safeword. As much as most Dominants seem like mind-readers, they are not. They need to know their partner will 22speak up when necessary, to prevent hurting the submissive.

Below, I have an altered set of steps to help guide the reestablishment of boundaries and the renegotiation of terms in an existing dynamic.

Step 1: Make sure you are both emotionally recovered enough to discuss logically.

Was the trauma caused by yourself? Your partner? Did it happen during a scene? Was the trauma an accident, miscommunication, or malicious? Is it unrelated?

These are important questions to ask yourself. Trauma that is unrelated may be easier to navigate with a partner than something caused by them. The same goes for the intention behind what happened.

Accidents and miscommunication happen in scenes. My first scene with Master was at a public party as pick-up play. I thought we had negotiated a flogging. Turns out, he was under the impression we negotiated an impact scene that involved floggers. In this instance, it turned out to be a beneficial miscommunication.

Later on, in our relationship, we did impact play at a party and a couple hours later we tried fire play. Turns out, even a light flogging (one that doesn’t leave marks) can weaken the skin enough that fire play can burn (when it otherwise would not). Technically, I was injured because my skin was burned. It was a small crescent shaped mark and for me, was a plausible outcome to the risky stuff we engage in. In this example, neither instance impacted my trust in Master. But, I have seen similar instances that have traumatized submissives and made them very skittish.

Step 2: Read through the current rules, together, and discuss their meaning.

When we first begin in kink, there are often a set of rules that we put in place to set the boundaries of our dynamics. Over time, those can change or evolve.

Due to personal issues with food in my past, one of my rules is that I must eat 3 times a day (or six tiny meals to help with my diabetes). When my dad died last year, I couldn’t bring myself to eat through my grief. But I had to, because it was a rule. I essentially made myself extremely sick. So, I had to reach out to Master and ask for an amendment. The rule adjusted to eating 2 times per day and I could use a meal replacement shake if needed.

We were not discarding everything that we had set forth, but we were adjusting them as needed to make sure I was ok.

Step 3: Recognize if any of the current rules contributed to the trauma.

**The rules I use as an example below are just rules that I have had mentioned to me by other submissives that have encountered issues. I have a personal belief that as long as rules are consensual, then they can be anything the Dominant and the submissive wish**

Some rules can add to the negative headspace left by trauma. For example, some dynamics have a rule that issues will be discussed once a month during a free chat. This could lead a submissive to believe they cannot speak up when needed.

Another example is a rule that does not allow safewording during a punishment. Is this something that foster’s fear in the submissive? Can this lead to triggering during a punishment without recourse to remove themself from the situation?

Step 4: Remove or adjust any rule that has impacted either the D-type or s-type’s state of mind.

Step 5: Keep the number of rules manageable. Trauma impacts the mental and physical states. If you are still recovering, having too many rules can make you feel like a failure and having too few can maximize your feelings of not being wanted or useful.

Step 6: Make a plan to maintain the healthy mindset. Whether this is through therapy, medication, maintenance discipline, etc. Recovering from trauma is fluid. It does not just stop and get cured.

Ultimately, you are stronger than your trauma. No one will know your reactions better than you. There is no right or wrong answer in your decisions, kink related or not. Your kink goes at the speed that you determine is best. Never let anyone try to force you to change.

Lastly, as cruel as it sounds, your trauma is your trauma. Just as you have the right to play at your discretion and pace, others have the right to choose not to play with you. This is not a reflection on either person’s character. Some people are not willing or able to deal with the aftereffects of trauma. This is their right.

When you vet a new partner, or renegotiate with an old partner, Be honest, clear in your expectations, and open about your mental health.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Using BDSM To Cope With Trauma

January 17, 2021 By VICE 2 Comments

Many folks have found therapeutic benefits to practicing BDSM.

We, at KinkWeekly, have published many articles on just that.

Click below to find out more about how BDSM can aide with the effects of being a trauma survivor!

***Please note, that BDSM is usually not the only thing needed to treat the effects of trauma. BDSM can help, but is usually not the only therapeutic modality needed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mo4mF-17lVQ

The Importance Of Aftercare

January 3, 2021 By PirateStan 3 Comments

When negotiating a scene, an aspect which can often be forgotten (especially with new people) is aftercare. It can be entirely too easy to overlook, as it can often seem as such a natural cap, good or bad. Why would you possibly need to discuss it ahead of time; it’ll just happen, right?

But no, it might not. Also there’s more than one way to aftercare, and not everybody’s going to agree on what’s right or wrong. And there’re some for whom aftercare isn’t even necessary.

Aftercare, for the record, is the physical/emotional cartaking that occurs after a scene, usually for the sub, but also for the Dom. It can vary in intimacy and intensity depending on the relationship between the two, the intensity of the scene, or simply the overall environment.

But why is aftercare necessary? Because a BDSM scene tends to be an intense, superchaged, and traumatic experience, especially for the sub. Sure, it’s usually cathartic as well, but it can still put someone through the wringer; sort of how running a few miles can make you feel great, but you’ll still need that period of cooldown (and maybe a shower) before you can feel relatively back to normal.

Again, different people, different scenes, can require different sorts of aftercare. But a good rule of thumb involves a few simple checkpoints:

– Check everyone over for physical injuries that need to be tended to immediately. There may be cuts that need bandaging, bruises that require icing, or burns that require salves. While I’ve never personally had a scene this physically intense, YMMV.

– Support them (as they may be shaky), walking them to an area where you can both sit together, snuggling as needed. They’ll probably need a blanket to wrap themselves up with. Be certain to have water handy.

– Sit quietly until they come back to the land of the living. Even if they’ve been happily ensconced in subspace they’ll need varying degrees of time to return to reality.

– Once they’re lucid, engage them in some light conversation. Perhaps discuss the scene about what you both liked and disliked. But don’t expect any heavy conversation at this point.

– Finally, get both of yourselves dressed and clean up your playspace (if you haven’t had someone to do this for you already). Now’s a good time to hit the buffet or the fridge, as some people are absolutely ravenous after a good scene. And always be sure that you both hydrate!

– Later you may want to chat further and in-depth regarding your scene together. I’ve found these sorts of conversations to be extremely helpful.

– The next day, call or send a text to see how they’re doing. Even if you’re not trying to set up a long-term relationship, this is the sort of followup you really should engage in, so tell them ahead of time and see that they’re alright with it. Many subs aren’t aware of the sort of subdrop they’ll face the day after a scene. Different sorts of foods can help alleviate this (chocolate is often a good one).

Of course, there are many variants on all this. The time required can be anywhere from five to 30 minutes (or more). Some people require little to no aftercare (although the latter is very rare in my experience). Sometimes there’s a third party involved who’ll take on some or all of the aftercare duties (such as a Dom or Master of their own). And depending on the intimacy of the couple, some parts may be omitted, or become much more intense.

Regardless of how you do it, aftercare is an extremely important part of any scene, and should always be a critical part of your negotiations.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

Dissociative Identity Disorder And Kink

December 19, 2020 By Joji Sada 3 Comments

hot submissive wanting to please her dominant — via stock.adobe.com

Multiple Personality Disorder, which has been renamed Dissociative Identity Disorder, involves the presence of three or more alternate personalities (alters) within a single mind/body. DID is an extremely misunderstood diagnosis. While it has defining characteristics, it takes a psychiatrist who specializes in the disorder to diagnose the condition. To put this into perspective, there is one doctor qualified to diagnose DID within 200 miles of my home.

Why am I telling you this?

Because, in my world, I love an individual with DID. I talk often of the mental health issues my partners have. To us, they are simply a part of life. I am a strong proponent that Mental Health should always negotiated, and renegotiated, while in the lifestyle. It does not matter if you are just getting into the scene or have been in it for decades.

But what happens when these diagnoses happen in an existing relationship?

You must make a decision. That is the easy part. You are either going to support your partner and figure out whatever is happening, or you are going to leave.

I chose to stay.

We have learned over the years that the “early episodes” that we had attributed to her Bipolar Disorder, was Callie Anne testing the waters. In her own words, she was trying to come out of “the dark” and see if it was “safe.” When I asked her why she had never come out before, she said it was “cuz she had to watch and wait to see if I was safe.”

Then, in the middle of the night, seven-ish years after we started dating (and two years into our marriage), this little voice talked to me. Quiet, skittish, and unaware of her surroundings. She looked up at me with these wide eyes and asked who I was. She wanted to know why I was in her room. She refused to tell me her name. She said I was a stranger and she was taught to never talk to strangers. So, in the softest voice, I introduced myself.

That’s right; I introduced myself to my own wife.

The following morning, I asked her if she remembered waking up. She did not. She told me she had not dreamt and had not woken once the night before.

So, I let it go. I figured it was one of those things that just happen.

Then it happened again a couple months later.

And again, two weeks after that.

Then, she finally introduced herself. She told me her name was Callie Anne R.—vroom, vroom like the car. And I laughed.

Slowly, but surely, she would come out more and more. She would visit only when I was alone. Because, even at four, Callie Anne recognizes that DID has a very bad stigma attached to it. She had no desire to be “hurt again.”

Through research, and our own experience, DID often happens due to childhood trauma. It is not an absolute cause but is a common among diagnosed cases. Many alters fracture to protect the ‘dominate’ personality, from remembering/experiencing something.

We kept this secret for three and a half years before we sought out a proper diagnosis. I am deeply protective of both B and Callie. So is the rest of our polyquad. In fact, Callie Anne had a whole escape plan drawn out (in crayon of course) for her first therapy session. Drampa (what she calls our husband) would fight the doctor, Diddy (me) would sneak her out the back, Drama (our second wife) would be the getaway driver, and Tigger (our service dog) would snuggle her on the ride out.

She was so nervous to meet the therapist.

Because she didn’t want to be put back in the dark again.

And the most common “technique” associated with DID therapy is called Integration. This, basically, is when the dominant personality absorbs all the other personalities and they cease to exist as their own entity.

I respect people’s decision to choose this option. I disagree with the belief that it is a cure.

Callie Anne is as much a part of our life as B is. She writes to Santa at Yule. She waits for the Easter Bunny every year (since bunnies are the bestest). She cries when she gets a booboo. And she has the sweetest laugh when Drampa picks on her and tickles her. Her love and innocence are that of any four-year-old. Although she was born of trauma, she is full of happiness.

Therefore, integration of any kind would be murder in my eyes. I would be consenting to snuffing out the life of my babygirl.

Which, if you have not guessed, is unacceptable.

**On a side note, Callie Anne is sitting here with me and I wanted to record her reaction to the last two statements above. She said “That’s Good. I don’t wanna die either. If you try Diddy, Imma hide behind Drampa and He will beat your butt.” She then proceeded to dance a little and sing “Drampa’s gonna beat you up, uh huh, uh huh.”** –All I can do is shake my head with a fond smile.

As I have discussed before, Callie considers herself a little. This allows her to find others who are accepting of her, and don’t often question anything too personal. As such, I am a Diddy (Daddy), though our relationship is far from BDSM/dynamic related. She has found acceptance with the other littles in our community.

Even Callie wonders sometimes if she is classified as a little. To the best of my knowledge, the answer is yes. She is a regressive little.

I have tried, many times, to find others with a similar diagnosis. If DID exists in the BDSM world, it has been beyond my reach to find. The single article that addressed DID and kink was a very long rant about judgmental individuals within the community who do not want to play with people with mental disorders. I will never discredit their experience. We have been lucky to find an accepting community who simply say hello to Callie and her stuffed bunny (Foo-Foo) and invite her to join them in coloring.

Then, our core had a discussion. There are more personalities than just B and Callie. In fact, there are eleven currently known alters.

So, my core sat down and wrote out some questions for the alters. With Master as Head of Household, myself as Diddy, and our second wife as Dramma (grandma), it is our job to take care of them. But, we have only negotiated formally with B. How do you take care of eleven people and only talk to one?

You don’t.

So, what follows, is a record of the negotiation questions we needed answers to, in order to continue in our relationship with the consent of all parties involved.

Here is the Code to who is who:

B- She is the host personality.

Callie Anne- She is a happy-go-lucky four-year-old.

Blue- She is eight and generally sad. She is the only one besides Callie and B to successfully control the physical body, even for a short few minutes.

Black- She is nine and generally feels everyone’s guilt.

Callie Rose- She is nine and she hides in the safe space (a playground within the mind that the children built) and has yet to speak to anyone.

Cally- She is fifteen and she refuses to interact with the adult alters (or adults in the real world)

Bahloo- He is an adult alter who acts as a caregiver and therapist to all the personalities. We often refer to him as A.

Anger- He is the protector of the children.

D- She is the logical voice and cannot feel, or be influenced, by emotion.

Shadow- This is the protector of the child still in the dark. S/he has no identifiable gender.

Girl in the Dark- We know she exists but have yet to be able to break her out of her trauma cycle and interact with her.

Do I have to negotiate with all of your alters or just one?

B: I would say you would have to do the detailed negotiation with the one you scene with. And try and touch base with the others.

Callie Anne: your negotiation is with the one alter. But then it is the job for the one to check in with the others. To make sure that they all have a place to go when the scene happens. Whether it’s our hand built safe space in our brain, or that they just don’t care what happens.

If I violate the consent of one, do I violate the consent of all?

D: as the logical one, I would say no. You made the deal with one, not all.

B: for me this is a grey area. I know it’s not all about logic when you feel violated.

Callie Anne: when everyone has their own rules for play, I think unless you violate one of their rules, you are fine

Should people with DID play since they have blurred boundaries?

Callie Anne: each of us have our own reality. I feel as long as you have conversations with each alter that can control the body, it is ok. If there are alters that do not live anywhere but the brain, the dominant personality should talk with them and see what they believe, or will know, or will feel.

Do all alters have the same safeword?

Every alter has its own safe word. B has one and Callie Anne has a different version of it.

Example: B’s safeword is Alligator. Callie Anne’s is giggleator.

How do you compartmentalize kink if you have underage alters?

B: This question is difficult. Each person has their own ways of doing this. For us personally, we have spent the time and energy building a safe space in our mind. Our safe space looks like a glass snow globe. Inside is a waterfall, a lake, an open sided building that holds toys, books, crayons; anything that interests the kids. There is also a gray/black foggy space for when they are not ready to interact with people. No one or nothing can get into the safe space unless we build it. So, it is a place that is free from bad memories, bad feelings, and “monsters”. When getting ready for a scene, all the littles, and adults alike, that do not want to witness what is going on sit in there.

How do you explain kink vs abuse to alters?

Callie Anne: It was hard at first. Then Diddy and Drampa explained that the biggest difference between them was if you like it, it is kink. If you do not, and it bothers you or scares you, then it is abuse. We have found a new piece who was stuck in a bad memory loop. Her name is Callie Rose. There has been no explanation for her yet. She is still sitting in the black space in the safe place because she is still trying to deal with the fear and pain from her loop.

Does each alter have their own limits?

Yes, each personality has their own limits. B loves spankings, hard floggings, light electrical, and some voyeurism. Callie Anne loves rope, light floggings, giggles at Drampa when trying electrical, and if out during other scenes, pops in her paci and headphones and avoids paying attention

Are some of the alters unaware of kink?

Yes they are. All the adult alters know, and so far the only child who knows is Callie Anne. (Even then, she is not privy to the more edgy side of kink).

Do the alters that know about kink all have different roles?

Depends on what you mean. They only have different roles in kink depending on what they enjoy. They do each have different roles in my “normal” life.

Does a switch mid-scene require the scene to end immediately?

If it’s from an adult to a child, absolutely. If it’s from a child to an adult, I would yellow the scene and check with the adult to see if we can figure out why the child left. Making sure they weren’t scared, hurt, or upset for some reason.

**You must pay close attention to body language in case of a switch. If one alter is afraid, it can be a deer in headlights situation**

How do you deal in sub/Dom space?

B deals with it by cuddling up with one of the spouses. Callie Anne deals with it by becoming a “sad burrito”. She rolls up in a blanket, cuddles with her bunny, uses her paci and watches Disney until she falls asleep.

Does aftercare and drop look the same for all of them? Does each alter feel the drop? Is it only the one in charge?

After care and drop are different for each of the ones that participate. The alters do feel sleepy when the drop hits and don’t quite understand why. But it is part of the way my brain helps to protect the rest.

How do you accommodate one alter without hurting another?

It is a long process. There are a lot of discussions involved over many weeks until everyone can come to an agreement.

Can you safely participate in pickup play as a person with DID?

In my opinion, the answer is no. I can do it with my core group, and maybe one or two of our closest friends. But otherwise I feel it would be unsafe on both parts.

If the controlling alter does not disclose the DID with their partner, is it a consent violation for the other partner?

ABSOLUTELY!! It would be the same as not disclosing metal in your body when doing electrical. It should never be done.

I have found that my journey into kink, and those who participate with me, has been vastly different than the average person. It is my goal to let you see into my world, so that in the future, if you meet someone like B, you can understand that they can offer you far more than you expect.

DID is surrounded by a stigma that those who have it are incapable of functioning. That they cannot make lucid decisions and cannot actively consent to their own participation in the world around them.

I understand the trepidation, especially if they are in a D/s dynamic. As a Dominant, you become responsible for yourself and your submissive. If they have multiple alters, you become responsible for the well-being of each one. As a submissive, it can become convoluted if only one has submitted (or if they phase out mid-scene).

Like any mental health issues, it has its own ups and downs that go with it. There is no shame in choosing not to accept the responsibility of someone with DID. It will bring nothing but misery if you begrudge someone for being who they are.

But I wanted to give you a glimpse into our reality. To let you share in the joy and the frustration that comes with DID and then trying to incorporate Kink into that. I have learned more patience and understanding since I met Callie Anne, then I ever did in most of my adult life.

I want the community to be able to have open discussions about kink and mental health. I want the community to accept that just because our brains are different, we are no less valuable than those without our mental struggles. I want people to know that we are more than capable to give and withdraw consent at any time.

Being Kinky with DID is no less fulfilling. It just means there are always spectators and opinions.

This week in kink: December 14, 2020

December 12, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

So many folks have had their worlds turned upside down due to the pandemic. This has left many feeling like nothing is in their control and hopeless.

Because of this, Tracey Anne Duncan writes about how BDSM can help us gain back a sense of control during these trying times.

Click below to read more!

Kink and BDSM, for many, are so much more than something sexy to do!

There have been a lot of mental and emotional benefits experienced by those that are in the lifestyle.

BDSM can help reduce anxiety, chronic pain, improve mood, and so much more!

Click below to read more about this from Refinery29!

More often than not, submission and feminism are not thought to go hand in hand.

We here at KinkWeekly feel it’s important to talk about these topics and explore all sides of how they might go together and might oppose each other.

Everything is about the grey after all!

Click below to explore these intriguing topics further with Feminism in India!

Kinky Promise: Does My Sexual Submission Make Me A Bad Feminist?

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Conversations Around Mental Health

November 22, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 3 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy — via stock.adobe.com

These times, am I right? If you’d asked me five years ago, I couldn’t have imagined the person I am today, let alone that this is what my daily life would look like. That’s a difficult thing for just about anyone, let alone overplanners like me.

I’ve always been someone who is pretty even-tempered. Most of my friends have never seen me angry, and I’m often the cheerful one. My partner and I don’t have many areas where friction is likely to occur, and on the off chance that some does, we have systems in our D/s that are designed to handle them.

It’s a good life.

I set this up not to brag, but to make it clear that my struggles with mental health issues since March have been unexpected and completely new territory for us as partners, and for us in the larger framework of our poly sphere. This isn’t to say that I haven’t had issues in my life which needed addressing, but anxiety, depression and other spectres which can be treated chemically were virtual unknowns.

The pandemic has been a learning experience for me, for us, in so many ways. I have the ability to work remotely. It limits my income and my hours, but I made that transition mid-March, shortly after spring break, when my partner also made the transition. We went from seeing one another a few hours every day to sharing office space every single day. That feels as though it requires emphasis. Every. Single. Day.

I’ve read articles that say part of our (as a society) difficulties in relationships are partly because of high stress levels which make people more agitated and partly because when we never leave one another, we can’t miss each other. We don’t have those times to reminisce about the good qualities our partners have, just the constant annoyances.

I’ve been lucky in that area. My nesting partner has few qualities I find obnoxious, so my main struggles have been with fear. I fear the unknown, I fear him contracting the virus and dying, I fear death, and I am afraid of what tomorrow will look like.

In the beginning, that made getting out of bed difficult. I found myself trying to sleep more, or burying my head in a mindless phone game to avoid having to think too much, since thinking always led back to the inevitable unknown. It was a pretty vicious cycle. I devoured news articles since for me, knowlege tends to help me feel more in-control. My partner saw that I was not okay. He began limiting my news intake by making me take time off from those things, hoping to help me find a more even keel. I was having small anxiety attacks when I grocery shopped, so he began finding delivery options that limited my interactions outside of the house. His other partner was isolating for weeks before coming to see him to make sure she wasn’t bringing deadly germs into the house. iMy anxiety levels were off the charts and I had no idea what to do. He saw that I was less productive, but it can be difficult enough to admit to ourselves when we’re not fine, let alone finding the words to admit it to someone else.

It wasn’t until the dam broke that I reached out for help. I had made it through a month and a half of the stormy seas of heightened anxiety when we learned that my daughter would have to return to work in a job which required her to come into physical contact with other people. I started crying and I couldn’t stop, and finally called my general practitioner seeking some kind of medicinal intervention. He prescribed a stopgap, and I finally had to sit down with my partner and try to put my feelings into words.

We moved out that weekend, into a living situation which better lent itself to isolating. We collected the vulnerable members of our family and shored up against outsiders. We left my daughter in our house, and I only had to take the anxiety meds when I left the house to collect groceries. We waited for any word that masks were effective, finally running across a test case of live exposure with the potential for superspread, only to have it bumped from the news. We searched for weeks for more information, relieved beyond measure when it came. It was finally safe to return home.

Going home didn’t mean my anxiety was gone. It meant my partner had to keep an eye on me for signs that I might need to medicate. I explored other possibilities, such as counseling, but talking about my anxieties only served to exacerbate them.

My partner began scheduling time for us in a friend’s pool. It was the most human interaction outside of one another that we’d had for months. We’d go swim, and it was like the stress and anxiety melted away, giving us back our humanity for just a little while. It was like lancing a wound – the poison seeped out. It wasn’t healed, but it improved dramatically.

We’ve had to find ways to steal pieces of “normal.” We’ve found that being able to do so safely has been hugely important to my mental health. As it got cold enough that the pool was less attractive, we moved to the occasional indoor game night with those friends, who were also isolating. We added two other friends to our QuaranTeam, our Perv Pod, and we made arrangements to attend our local dungeon together. The space seemed awfully empty, but before too long, the delicious sounds of four bottoms screeching at non-regular intervals and the cracks of whips and sounds of other impact filled the space in ways our physical presence could not.

Our vacation was cancelled, unsurprisingly. So we made plans with that same group to rent a house on the water down south, drove in a caravan, stopped for groceries, and spent a few days taking turns with cooking, playing board games, and fishing off of the back deck of the house. We are finding ways to regain our joy.

I still have to take my anxiety meds. My Dominant makes sure to keep track of how often I need them, and if it starts becoming more frequent, to check on my mental state more regularly. He’s relaxed some rules for the duration of this – I’m allowed more stuffies in the bed as long as the pile stays on my side, and he let me get a new wardrobe of super fluffy pajama pants to work in.

I still don’t know what tomorrow will look like. I try not to think too hard about that. We’re tentatively planning Thanksgiving with our Germ Pod. Even though I cried when I realized the rest of my family wouldn’t be able to join us, it’s better than it could be, and better than it was back in early June.

I know it can be hard to admit it, but it is so important to ccommunicate mental health challenges to partners. There are so many resources out there, help is available. It just takes sliding one foot forward for that very first step. ‘

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Video: BDSM Therapy by a Dominatrix

August 30, 2020 By New York Post 2 Comments

Dominatrix, Lia Holmgren, gives couples an unconventional type of therapy to help spice up their love lives.

She conducts what she calls “apartment therapy” to help couples achieve their darkest fantasies in a safe, healthy, and cathartic manner.

Dominatrix Whips Couples into Shape with BDSM Therapy | New York Post

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