aftercare

This week in kink: January 25, 2021

January 24, 2021 By Dexx 3 Comments

Don’t miss Yeha Leung’s dashing fetish-wear brought to us by Vogue!

Click below to learn more about her fabulous pieces!

New to the lifestyle?

Need a re-fresh on aftercare?

Then, check out this amazing article by SELF that explains aftercare isn’t only for kinksters!

Want to learn more about female sexuality?

Tune more into your own sexuality?

Provide more empathy and understanding for your partner and their desires?

Then, click below to read a riveting article from Psychology Today!

Fifty Shades of Female Sexuality

Technology is changing relationships in ways undreamed of just a few years ago.

Psychology Today

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

The Importance Of Aftercare

January 3, 2021 By PirateStan 3 Comments

When negotiating a scene, an aspect which can often be forgotten (especially with new people) is aftercare. It can be entirely too easy to overlook, as it can often seem as such a natural cap, good or bad. Why would you possibly need to discuss it ahead of time; it’ll just happen, right?

But no, it might not. Also there’s more than one way to aftercare, and not everybody’s going to agree on what’s right or wrong. And there’re some for whom aftercare isn’t even necessary.

Aftercare, for the record, is the physical/emotional cartaking that occurs after a scene, usually for the sub, but also for the Dom. It can vary in intimacy and intensity depending on the relationship between the two, the intensity of the scene, or simply the overall environment.

But why is aftercare necessary? Because a BDSM scene tends to be an intense, superchaged, and traumatic experience, especially for the sub. Sure, it’s usually cathartic as well, but it can still put someone through the wringer; sort of how running a few miles can make you feel great, but you’ll still need that period of cooldown (and maybe a shower) before you can feel relatively back to normal.

Again, different people, different scenes, can require different sorts of aftercare. But a good rule of thumb involves a few simple checkpoints:

– Check everyone over for physical injuries that need to be tended to immediately. There may be cuts that need bandaging, bruises that require icing, or burns that require salves. While I’ve never personally had a scene this physically intense, YMMV.

– Support them (as they may be shaky), walking them to an area where you can both sit together, snuggling as needed. They’ll probably need a blanket to wrap themselves up with. Be certain to have water handy.

– Sit quietly until they come back to the land of the living. Even if they’ve been happily ensconced in subspace they’ll need varying degrees of time to return to reality.

– Once they’re lucid, engage them in some light conversation. Perhaps discuss the scene about what you both liked and disliked. But don’t expect any heavy conversation at this point.

– Finally, get both of yourselves dressed and clean up your playspace (if you haven’t had someone to do this for you already). Now’s a good time to hit the buffet or the fridge, as some people are absolutely ravenous after a good scene. And always be sure that you both hydrate!

– Later you may want to chat further and in-depth regarding your scene together. I’ve found these sorts of conversations to be extremely helpful.

– The next day, call or send a text to see how they’re doing. Even if you’re not trying to set up a long-term relationship, this is the sort of followup you really should engage in, so tell them ahead of time and see that they’re alright with it. Many subs aren’t aware of the sort of subdrop they’ll face the day after a scene. Different sorts of foods can help alleviate this (chocolate is often a good one).

Of course, there are many variants on all this. The time required can be anywhere from five to 30 minutes (or more). Some people require little to no aftercare (although the latter is very rare in my experience). Sometimes there’s a third party involved who’ll take on some or all of the aftercare duties (such as a Dom or Master of their own). And depending on the intimacy of the couple, some parts may be omitted, or become much more intense.

Regardless of how you do it, aftercare is an extremely important part of any scene, and should always be a critical part of your negotiations.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

Video: Aftercare

December 27, 2020 By Grey Knight 2 Comments

It’s not all about the flogging and canes and humiliation. So much of what BDSM is about is Aftercare/after the scene is done.

Much like working out, BDSM requires an adequate warm up (negotiation and consent) and cool down (aftercare).

These are to protect both the D-type’s and s-type’s mental, emotional, and physical states.

With this being said, don’t miss Grey Knight’s informative video on Aftercare and how it can be implemented after play!

The Grey Knight - Aftercare (BDSM affection and cool down)

Watch this video on YouTube

Conversations Around Mental Health

November 22, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 3 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy — via stock.adobe.com

These times, am I right? If you’d asked me five years ago, I couldn’t have imagined the person I am today, let alone that this is what my daily life would look like. That’s a difficult thing for just about anyone, let alone overplanners like me.

I’ve always been someone who is pretty even-tempered. Most of my friends have never seen me angry, and I’m often the cheerful one. My partner and I don’t have many areas where friction is likely to occur, and on the off chance that some does, we have systems in our D/s that are designed to handle them.

It’s a good life.

I set this up not to brag, but to make it clear that my struggles with mental health issues since March have been unexpected and completely new territory for us as partners, and for us in the larger framework of our poly sphere. This isn’t to say that I haven’t had issues in my life which needed addressing, but anxiety, depression and other spectres which can be treated chemically were virtual unknowns.

The pandemic has been a learning experience for me, for us, in so many ways. I have the ability to work remotely. It limits my income and my hours, but I made that transition mid-March, shortly after spring break, when my partner also made the transition. We went from seeing one another a few hours every day to sharing office space every single day. That feels as though it requires emphasis. Every. Single. Day.

I’ve read articles that say part of our (as a society) difficulties in relationships are partly because of high stress levels which make people more agitated and partly because when we never leave one another, we can’t miss each other. We don’t have those times to reminisce about the good qualities our partners have, just the constant annoyances.

I’ve been lucky in that area. My nesting partner has few qualities I find obnoxious, so my main struggles have been with fear. I fear the unknown, I fear him contracting the virus and dying, I fear death, and I am afraid of what tomorrow will look like.

In the beginning, that made getting out of bed difficult. I found myself trying to sleep more, or burying my head in a mindless phone game to avoid having to think too much, since thinking always led back to the inevitable unknown. It was a pretty vicious cycle. I devoured news articles since for me, knowlege tends to help me feel more in-control. My partner saw that I was not okay. He began limiting my news intake by making me take time off from those things, hoping to help me find a more even keel. I was having small anxiety attacks when I grocery shopped, so he began finding delivery options that limited my interactions outside of the house. His other partner was isolating for weeks before coming to see him to make sure she wasn’t bringing deadly germs into the house. iMy anxiety levels were off the charts and I had no idea what to do. He saw that I was less productive, but it can be difficult enough to admit to ourselves when we’re not fine, let alone finding the words to admit it to someone else.

It wasn’t until the dam broke that I reached out for help. I had made it through a month and a half of the stormy seas of heightened anxiety when we learned that my daughter would have to return to work in a job which required her to come into physical contact with other people. I started crying and I couldn’t stop, and finally called my general practitioner seeking some kind of medicinal intervention. He prescribed a stopgap, and I finally had to sit down with my partner and try to put my feelings into words.

We moved out that weekend, into a living situation which better lent itself to isolating. We collected the vulnerable members of our family and shored up against outsiders. We left my daughter in our house, and I only had to take the anxiety meds when I left the house to collect groceries. We waited for any word that masks were effective, finally running across a test case of live exposure with the potential for superspread, only to have it bumped from the news. We searched for weeks for more information, relieved beyond measure when it came. It was finally safe to return home.

Going home didn’t mean my anxiety was gone. It meant my partner had to keep an eye on me for signs that I might need to medicate. I explored other possibilities, such as counseling, but talking about my anxieties only served to exacerbate them.

My partner began scheduling time for us in a friend’s pool. It was the most human interaction outside of one another that we’d had for months. We’d go swim, and it was like the stress and anxiety melted away, giving us back our humanity for just a little while. It was like lancing a wound – the poison seeped out. It wasn’t healed, but it improved dramatically.

We’ve had to find ways to steal pieces of “normal.” We’ve found that being able to do so safely has been hugely important to my mental health. As it got cold enough that the pool was less attractive, we moved to the occasional indoor game night with those friends, who were also isolating. We added two other friends to our QuaranTeam, our Perv Pod, and we made arrangements to attend our local dungeon together. The space seemed awfully empty, but before too long, the delicious sounds of four bottoms screeching at non-regular intervals and the cracks of whips and sounds of other impact filled the space in ways our physical presence could not.

Our vacation was cancelled, unsurprisingly. So we made plans with that same group to rent a house on the water down south, drove in a caravan, stopped for groceries, and spent a few days taking turns with cooking, playing board games, and fishing off of the back deck of the house. We are finding ways to regain our joy.

I still have to take my anxiety meds. My Dominant makes sure to keep track of how often I need them, and if it starts becoming more frequent, to check on my mental state more regularly. He’s relaxed some rules for the duration of this – I’m allowed more stuffies in the bed as long as the pile stays on my side, and he let me get a new wardrobe of super fluffy pajama pants to work in.

I still don’t know what tomorrow will look like. I try not to think too hard about that. We’re tentatively planning Thanksgiving with our Germ Pod. Even though I cried when I realized the rest of my family wouldn’t be able to join us, it’s better than it could be, and better than it was back in early June.

I know it can be hard to admit it, but it is so important to ccommunicate mental health challenges to partners. There are so many resources out there, help is available. It just takes sliding one foot forward for that very first step. ‘

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

This week in kink: November 2, 2020

November 1, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

Need to spice up your relationship?

Curious about Shibari?

Has the pandemic brought to light that you need new ways to connect?

This has proven true for a lot of couples during these uncertain times.

With this being said, The Shibari Academy has brought couples closer together as it teaches people how to engage in Shibari safetly.

Click below to read more from PRNewswire!

Aftercare is often only thought of when engaging in BDSM and/or kink-related activities.

However, many people that engage in the more vanilla sexual actitivies may want and/or need aftercare as well.

Click below to learn more about this potentially essential aspect of sex from Well + Good!

Sexual Aftercare Isn’t Just a BDSM Thing—Here’s Why Everyone Should Try It

Domme recently brings sub on leash into LA market.

This became somewhat viral and a discussion on consent/whether it is appropriate to bring your kinks into public without the public’s consent ensued.

Decide for yourself by reading this interesting article from VICE!

This week in kink: August 17, 2020

August 16, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

Everyones needs some sort of aftercare when engaging in kinky fun. Jenni Skyler, PhD, explains the importance of aftercare in this riveting article, and gives readers some great aftercate ideas.

A must-read for newbies and veterans alike!

Don’t miss the new erotic, melodrama Little Birds that explores sexual fantasy, domination, and feminism. We are elated that BDSM is further being incorporated into modern media. We hope this will keep happening to normalize everything kink, queer, and alternative.

The series is based on short stories written by Anaïs Nin.

Be sure to check it out!

Trends: Sky’s sexiest drama yet takes in Juno Temple, a Moroccan dominatrix and 1940s erotica

Amanda Chatel gives a great list of pornsites that focus on female pleasure.

Learn to think of erotica through a new lens by reading this insightful article.

For a long time, our society has been focused solely on male pleasure. It’s time to shake things up!

To learn more, click below.

Video: Reimagining BDSM

August 16, 2020 By TEDx Talks 2 Comments

Reimagining BDSM | Tshegofatso Senne | TEDxCapeTownWomen

Watch this video on YouTube

Kink isn’t about the just flashy stuff such as whips, chains, fire, needles, etc.

It’s about so much more- the human connection, trust, care, aftercare!

Watch this inspiring TedTalk to fully understand the responsibilites that come with being a kinkster!

Bottoms – Do You Have Your Own Play Kit?

August 8, 2020 By Dame TylerRose. Leave a Comment

As a top, I have always liked it when a bottom could hold out a back pack and say “You can use anything in here.” Whether or not I do depends on what’s in the bag, of course.

If it’s a needle kit or rope, I won’t be using any of it. Not interested. If it’s a Tens unit, I might. I’ve used one of those on myself, for my bad back.

Butt plugs won’t be used. I don’t put things in anyone’s ass. He can, however, go to the bathroom and slip it in himself. My cane may find the end of it for a number of smacks.

It is a commonly accepted thing. The top will buy the toys, have the toys, care for the toys, etc. Yes, I have quite the collection of things I personally enjoy using on other people. They are never used on me. They can be cleaned. Poppers are given to the person they were used on. But my kit is limited to what I am capable of carrying that day.

That sounds silly, I’m sure; but I live in NYC. I have to carry my kit up four flights of stairs just to begin to get to an event. Then there are another two to four sets of stairs to get out of the station when I arrive.

If I can keep my kit fairly light, bringing only three or four things, and can count on a bottom bringing his own fun things that are specific to him, together we have expanded our play repertoire without either of us relying entirely on the other.

I don’t have nipple clamps, unless you count clothespins or those very nasty clamps with bells (fishing line bell bobbin). I don’t have weights.

Until recently, I didn’t have wartenberg wheels. I did, however, know a bottom who brought them nearly every time he came to an event I was attending. Through using them on him, I decided to buy my own pair. I’m rather looking forward to meeting up with him again, and using both pairs at the same time. Mine in one hand and his in the other should make for a terrific scene.

I know bottoms who bring their own leg spreader; their own ankle/wrist cuffs, their own penis ropes. Things not used on other people. In this time of plague, having a kit of things to be used solely on yourself is an important investment. You don’t know how clean anyone keeps their kit. You don’t go home with them all to see what they do with their toys after the party. You don’t know how many people have already had it used on them at the party you’re attending. You can’t know.

Protect yourself. You know where your items have been. You know how they were cleaned because you did it yourself.

I used the word “investment”. Some things can be costly. It’s best to build your kit up over time. Keep in mind that a smallish woman may have a hard time handling a monster flogger. Find a more medium sized flogger that is easier to deal with but still gives the impact you want. Canes are easy and can be reasonably priced. There are numerous sellers all over Fetlife, Etsy, Ebay, Amazon. Ban-sticks, in Fetlife, is my favorite. I’ve bought four sets from her, I think. Three sets in different lengths for myself and one set as a present for my former husband.

Clothespins can be thrown away after use if you want. They’re not expensive unless you’ve put in the work and time to dye them.

Raid the kitchen for the wooden spoons or go to the dollar store and buy an inexpensive pack. You can wash and keep them to use again or discard after use. I know people who love the meat tenderizing mallet as well.

Rope. It’s easy enough to put in a pillow case and then into the washer. Cotton line can be put into the dryer. If you’re not doing suspension, cotton clothesline is fine. Don’t let anyone be snobby at you about it.

My point here is to not depend on the top to provide all the toys.

Plague or not, every bottom should have their own play kit full of fun things they like used on them.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for over 30 years in private and more than 10 years in public venues.

She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over twenty five fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor

She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Let’s Talk About Aftercare For The Dominant

September 10, 2018 By Dirk Hooper 5 Comments

Illustration by Dirk Hooper

I’ve read about a million articles (only a slight exaggeration) on aftercare for the bottom or the submissive, but I’d like to propose a little aftercare for the Dominant or the Top too.

Before I get started, this article in no way is meant to minimize the incredible importance of providing aftercare for the submissive. For a Dominant, taking care of the person you just played with is just as much a priority as negotiation, consent, and safety during a scene. Tops or Dominants must take care of the mental and physical needs of their partner first, foremost, and always.

Also, if you’re a submissive and you’re reading this, I want to stress that your Dominant is the number one source of information about how they are doing. No article should take precedent for the ongoing, open, and honest discourse you should be having with the people you play with regularly.

Let’s step back a moment. If you’re a Dominant, then you’re in charge! Doesn’t it naturally follow that all your post-session aftercare will be taken care of? Not necessarily. There are several reasons that you might not be getting the aftercare you need.

My experience as a Dom is that I am highly focused on my partner’s needs and desires. I feel strongly that’s the only way to go. That’s contrary to how many people approach this and that’s fine. However, sometimes that philosophy leads to missing some of my own needs and desires. It’s my fault, but it happens.
You may not even be aware that you need some aftercare. A lot of people are just not terribly introspective in that way. This is one area that the submissive partner could be helpful since they often know you the best.
Maybe, just maybe, you’re the type of Uber Alpha that doesn’t believe in showing weakness or needs at any time. You might believe that since you’re the King or Queen of the Universe that aftercare is for the little people. This could be a big blind spot.

Whatever the reason, here are some ideas for aftercare for the Dominant. Most of these are focused on players who are in a relationship. A single scene typically won’t require much besides a sincere thanks for a fun time and some feedback- if that’s requested (or a hug, hugs are always good). But an ongoing relationship gets more complicated.

All these suggestions are for the purpose of discussion. Each Dominant is different and knows best what they need. Take or leave these suggestions as you will.

Physical Aftercare for the Dominant

Some scenes are physically challenging in one regard or another. Throwing a heavy flogger, intricate rope-bondage, primal scenes, and other things can require strength and stamina. If you’re a weekend warrior your muscles may not be warmed up. No matter how old you are, there’s always a possibility that something zigs when it should have zagged.

These ideas for aftercare might help get the Dominant back in the game quicker.

These are mostly things for the Dominant to initiate.

Drink some water. I’m the worst about this. If you’re engaging in a big, intense scene, you can get dehydrated easily. The submissive probably needs some water too.
Get some rest. A great scene can drain your energy. If you want to be ready for the next scene, it’s vital to leave enough time to chill out or get some sleep before you have to get up the next day. Most don’t want to play with a sleepy Dom/me.
How about a massage? A massage from your submissive is pretty damn wonderful. Not only does it help with tight muscles, but it’s also a great way to bring the two of you closer.
Coffee, Tea, or…? After a scene is a good time to have your favorite beverage or treat served to you by your partner. Take a moment to enjoy it. For me, it might be cappuccino or some wine with the submissive at my feet. Your mileage may vary.
Netflix and Chill. Personally, I need to be close to my submissive after we’ve played together. At the very least, that means snuggling up for a bit. If you have more time that might mean watching a movie together or catching up on the day’s events.
Alone Time. On the other hand, some Dominants might want some time to cool down or reflect on their own.

Mental Aftercare for the Dominant

I think the mental aspect of aftercare is more significant (and more complicated) than the physical part. If your arm is sore after throwing a whip, that’s obvious. Your mind and your feelings are much more mercurial.

Being Dominant means that you’re likely doing things that run contrary to how you were taught to treat people. Causing pain, being exceptionally strict, and humiliating someone you care for works in the context of BDSM, but only if you know the submissive is on board and getting what they want and need out of the relationship. This is important. Dominants need to know you’re okay, and even better, that you’re enjoying yourself.

Here are some thoughts on how a submissive can provide aftercare for the Dominant.

Giving Thanks. Something as simple as a “thank you” can go a long way with a Dominant. There’s a lot of pressure to come up with a scene, execute the scene properly, keep the submissive safe, and to make sure that everyone is having a good time. Don’t take that for granted.
Be Forgiving. Not every scene goes as planned. Sometimes that leads to something wonderful, and sometimes the scene is a bust. If it’s a bust, then let the Dominant off the hook. I promise it will be appreciated. Dominants can be very tough on themselves. Remember, no one is perfect.
Be Open. Dominants need information from the people they scene with. They need it to gauge where the submissive is and for their own peaceful state-of-mind. Being Dominant means taking on a lot of responsibility, and only a sociopath would be unconcerned about how their submissive is reacting to what is happening.
Do Some Introspection. One of the things that has been exceptionally helpful to me is to have a training diary, where the submissive talks about scenes and where they are within the relationship. This allows another level of introspection that might not be present when you’re talking face-to-face. What this does in the realm of aftercare is to identify where the submissive is emotionally and spiritually, and gives the Dominant clear guideposts along the way. Anything you can do to make things clearer will be valued. Honest communication, good or bad, can put a Dominant’s mind at ease.
Keep an Eye on the Dominant. BDSM should be fun. Is your Dominant having fun? Are they as engaged as they were at the beginning? Are they more tired than usual? Is something weighing heavily on them? Part of aftercare for the Dominant is looking out for their mental and physical well-being. A BDSM relationship is a very powerful thing, and it’s likely that you know the Dominant better than anyone else. If it seems like there’s a problem, your respectful attention could make a big difference.
Check in with the Dominant. If you don’t live with your Dominant then simply check in with them a day or two after a scene. That’s the time after DomSpace, or whatever you want to call it, wears off. A little love and reassurance during this time will be helpful.

Aftercare for the Dominant may take many other forms and will obviously be as varied as the people who take that role. The only way to know what your Dominant needs after a scene is to talk to them. You might be surprised by what you discover when you bring up the subject.

Do you have any other ideas for aftercare for Dominants? I’d love to hear them in the comments below.

About the Author

Dirk Hooper is an award-winning fetish photographer, professional writer, audiobook narrator, podcasting producer and host, journalist for the fetish community, BDSM mentor, and adult personal branding and marketing consultant for Sexy Networking.

Dirk Hooper won Best Fetish Photographer at the 2017 Fetish Awards in St. Petersburg Florida. As a fine-art fetish photographer, Hooper’s work has been exhibited in England, the Netherlands, Belgium, China and all over the United States. His work is part of the permanent collections of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and the Leather Archives and Museum in Chicago, Illinois. Dirk Hooper’s work has been published in magazines like Skin Two, Von Gutenberg, Fet Erotica and Sinical Magazine. His work was published in the German hardcover art book “Fetish Fantasies: The Best of International Fetish Photography.” He has done professional photography for bands, books, posters and the adult film industry. Hooper co-founded the alternative modeling site Toxic Goddess. He offers his photography services for portraits and commercial projects.

Hooper’s articles have recently been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has won the Quora Top Writer award for the past two years. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently working on an erotic novel and a non-fiction book about social networking.

Dirk Hooper is the Host and Executive Producer of “The Fetish Show.” He has also recently launched a new podcast about success and inspiration titled, “The Dirk Side.” Hooper has been podcasting since 2005 and has produced hundreds of hours of shows over several networks. His first audiobook narration was for the Suzanne Steele novel “Glazov.”

Dirk Hooper does journalism for the BDSM and fetish community through The Fetish Show News, FETISHWEEK articles, the Daily Fetish Chronicle and freelance writing. Hooper’s award-winning website, http://www.DirkHooper.com features a gallery of his work, informational articles and is the home of “FETISHWEEK.”

Hooper’s inspiration for his work is an extension of his interests and experience in the BDSM and fetish community. He is a BDSM mentor and has helped guide or train both dominants and submissives.

Hooper works as a consultant on personal branding, social networking, SEO, copywriting, design and marketing through his Sexy Networking business at http://SexyNetworking.com

Millennials and Aftercare

August 7, 2017 By Baadmaster 8 Comments

Here is a question I received recently:

“I am a Millennial and have been playing publicly with a Dom of roughly the same age for the last few months. After a serious session, he just packs his gear and waits for me to get ready. I feel really neglected but I am afraid to ask him to give me aftercare. What should I do? What should I expect from him? Am I topping from the bottom?”

Although I do not think being a Millennial has a causal effect your Dom’s lack of aftercare, I will say that many of the newer lifestylers have not been exposed to the traditions of BDSM. That being said, I am not here to preach Old Guard values. (“Hey kid, get offa my yard!”) Rather, I will discuss those traditions that are relevant to today’s kinksters. Aftercare – the comforting of a bottom after a BDSM scene – is one practice that is important to maintain for the Old Guard and New Guard alike!
Since the Dom you have been playing with is familiar with public play, chances are he is aware, either consciously or subconsciously, that he has been totally avoiding even the most rudimentary of aftercare. Not to play amateur psychologist, but there could be a fear of intimacy going on here.

Often it is the aftercare that is the most intimate and bonding of activities in our lifestyle. A drained submissive wrapped in the loving arms of his/her Dom/me, often in a blanket, is a common sight at most dungeon play parties. For many submissives, this is the true highlight of a scene. The fact that your Dom coldly packs up his gear might imply that something else is at work here. I liken it to its vanilla counterpart wherein the couple has sex without kissing. Knowing this, you might have a legitimate fear of expressing your needs to him. You might feel that he is avoiding aftercare, not forgetting it; that your desire for aftercare might be something he is unable to give you at this time.
Nevertheless, you must communicate your needs to him. He must know that you desire aftercare; it would then be up to him to decide if and when he will start to make it part of your public play. After all, he just might need a respectful “nudge” to get to the next step in your evolution as play partners. Or maybe he thinks it is not essential.

Your other concern is whether asking for aftercare might constitute “topping from the bottom.” Although I would tend to say “no,” the answer to this question is largely irrelevant. You imply that you are in a play relationship, not a “Dom/sub” one – and surely not a collared affair. (You would not say “a Dom” if he were your Dom. You would say “my Dom.”) Thus, technically, you are still in the negotiating stage; whether this will progress to a D/s relationship is still unanswered. When you are discussing your scene, with its hard and soft limits, safe words, etc., you can simply state that you would like to request aftercare when the scene ends. This is a reasonable demand, especially in view of the fact that he completely neglects it. Topping from the bottom is not a critical concern at this point. What is crucial is that you tell him what you desire.

As to what you can expect of him, you should hope that he is amenable to incorporating aftercare into his play. It will not only give you what you really need, but it is also a good habit for a Dom – Millennial or otherwise — to get into. If he does have a fear of intimacy, then he can at least give you a blanket, keep you warm, check that you are feeling OK. He should offer you water. (It is hard for a weary submissive to get up and fetch herself some water; besides, it would reflect badly on him to let you wander off looking for some Gatorade.)

If he is not open to changing his ways, then you might have to risk being a little “toppy” and tell him that it is essential for you. Again, this is still the negotiating stage and you must state clearly what minimum requirements you need to continue as his play partner. Every one, Dominant and submissive alike, has a deal-breaker. If this is a deal-breaker, you must tell him in unequivocal terms.
Whether it is just to improve your play life, or as a way of getting to the next stage D/s relationship-wise, communication is always paramount no matter what generation the players are. After all, if someone doesn’t know what you want, how can they give it to you?

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

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