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The Evolution Of Safewords

January 30, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

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Anytime I refer to when I was first learning kink, I get this terrible image in my head that I am surrounded by a group of newbies, droning on about how “back in my day,” we did this or that.  I can even hear the horrid imitation grannie voice.  But the reality is, kink has changed and evolved since I dove headfirst into it, all those years ago.

The most consistent philosophy, in my opinion, would be SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual).  Though, this too has evolved to include RACK (Risk Aware, Consensual Kink) and PRICK (Personal Risk, Informed Consensual Kink).  While each of these has the same idea that consent is paramount to kink, they are more involved and have developed to include personal risk and responsibility.

However, the most fluid idea would be that of a safeword.

Safeword: A word, phrase, or physical symbol that indicates a BDSM scene must end.

Until recently, I accepted this definition.  I believed, and taught individuals, that a safeword is used when someone in a scene reaches their limits.  While I do believe that a safeword can be used in a relationship, just as much as a scene, especially with mental health issues, I accepted that it primarily referred to end a BDSM scene.

But I am having a crisis of definition.

Let me start at the beginning.  We are going to take a moment and explore that horrid “back in my day” story.

When I first delved into the community, I was taught that a safeword was a single word.  It was a word that was given to me by a D-type (blasphemy, I know) and it was to only be used if I was in physical danger.  

Back then, no one talked about mental issues.  No one discussed sub drop.  No one discussed that having a scene in a bad headspace could fuck you up.  No one talked about it.  The community I learned from, demanded that submissives were seen and not heard.  Their entire purpose was to always be available to their Dom.  The needs and wants of a submissive were unimportant.  A submissive had no say in how they were played with nor who they played with.  I was taught that safewords were only needed until you were trained, because “real” submissives did not need safewords.  “Real” submissives did not need a safeword because that was tantamount to Topping from the bottom.  It meant that the submissive did not trust their Dominant.  It meant that you were weak willed and weak minded.  Above all, it was discussed as a disappointment when a submissive needed to save out.  For the most part, scenes stopped when one was uttered, but the silent oppression in the aftermath made that an extremely uncomfortable experience.

And in all my time in the community, I never quite realized how many red flags are in that story until I wrote it out for you to read.  It was simply accepted as the way of things.  I honestly did not think about it too much.

Maybe that is why I am so adamant about consent and communication now.  Because I see myself in all the newbies and I want them to know they have a choice.  A chance to be heard.  A chance to have a voice.

What was once the definition of a submissive, is now the epitome of a slave.  Where once you would be passed around, with simple acceptance, now requires consent and negotiation.  We discuss these concepts like they have always been part of the community.  Maybe, somewhere, they have.  But I was not lucky enough to be surrounded by that type of support.

The first Dominant, who was interested in me, was 32 years my senior.  He had been involved in kink, privately, for a couple of decades.  He knew what he liked and from the first time we talked, he groomed me.  There was no negotiation.  And I believed that was normal.  He groomed me, at 18, and he required Honorifics.  Naive as I was, his interest in me sparked me to break my own rule and refer to him as Sir.  I had extremely low self-esteem and his attention was addicting.  Until, one weekend, he texted me to let me know he would be out of cell range for a couple of days and he would text when he got home.  Fourteen years later, I still have not received that call.

The second Dominant who was interested, was a Mistress twice my age, who wanted me to move to her and become a house girl.  I would not be allowed to contact my family (whom I was close with), would be required to be rail thin, and would not be allowed to pursue my college degree.  My wants, and needs, had no consideration. She too required honorifics from the very beginning, and she too ghosted me when I refused to comply.

I want to specify that I was not disrespectful.  I just wanted to be treated like a human being.

After those experiences, I became very reserved.  I was surrounded by submissives, and through a matter of circumstance, I fought my nature and became a switch.  Once I took control, I refused to ever let it go again.  Being groomed and ghosted and having no sense of self, left me with a bitter taste of BDSM.  I let it become relegated to a bedroom only activity.  I lost the beauty and drive of my submission.

And it culminated in the best and worst thing I ever said to Master (before I was even under consideration): “I bow to no Man.  Do your worst.” But that’s a story in another article.


I wanted to give you background on where my definition of a safeword started.  Had either of those individuals become my Dominant, I would not be talking to you about safewords at all.  Because, back then, safewords were a handicap.  They were a disappointment.  They were the sign of a submissive’s failure.


Over time, my definition changed.  When I met Master, he introduced me to the Stoplight system.  Green for Go (although I find that part redundant), Yellow for Check-In, and Red for Stop Immediately.  Not only was it more universally recognized in public dungeons, but it was also a good system for him and me to find our happy mediums. 

I rarely use any of the safewords.  Yellow is reserved for health issues.  For example, if the cane misses my ass and hits my thigh.  I will say, “Yellow, that got my hip.”  It does not stop our play.  We do not stop to check in.  He readjusts his swing, and we continue.  He trusts that I will tell him if we need to stop.

Red has never been used.  I struggle deeply with even contemplating the use of it.  The indoctrination (and most likely because I started as a teenager) makes it hard to hold to my limits.  Master has commented more than once that when I say red (because it will happen eventually), He is figuring it will require medical intervention.  

We play hard and rough and my body can take quite a beating.  If I am saying red, something will be very wrong.

I tried to explain it to Master at one point.  When something happens in a scene that I am unsure of, my head starts arguing.  Its several voices talking over each other.  One argues to safeword.  One argues that I can take more.  One says to push my limits.  One says to back off.  One sobs with my pain and one laughs at my suffering.  It goes back and forth between being at my limit and wanting to push more.  By the time I settle on a decision, I have already endured more than I thought I could. Then it starts over.

It is only in sub space that I escape the chaos in my head.  I become catatonic.  I can function and follow orders, but I lose the ability to safeword.  I stop recognizing my own name.  I lose the ability to speak and understand English. I am gone.  

Due to my struggles to safeword, and my tendency to become catatonic, Master has learned to read my body first and listen to my answers second.  Over time, He has come to trust that I am not lying to him when I say that I am fine or that we can continue whatever we are doing.  In my head, I am ready to serve and accept what he offers me.  In my head, I can take anything he can dream up.  In my head, I am still that teenager who was taught that safewording means I am a failure.


I have encountered many viewpoints on the use of a safeword.  There are the individuals who play without them.  People like those who taught me.  There are those who use a single safeword and only apply it to BDSM scenes.  You have those who use a single safeword but apply it to all aspects of the relationship.  You have those who use a color system (like the stoplight system) that are more universal in the lifestyle.

Throughout the years, the consensus has moved from submissives being property to submissives being an autonomous individual with rights.  There is much more emphasis on consent and negotiation than there was years ago.  We, as a community, make sure that submissives know that they are valued and should get to know a potential D-type as a person first and dynamic second.  

I will never speak against those who prefer to play without a safeword.  Just as I will never speak against those who prefer to be property.  I am one of those submissives who handed all decisions over to Master.  I do not negotiate, He has blanket consent, and I hold out on my safeword far further than most.  I am his to do with as he pleases.  I am there for his pleasure and in service to him.  That is how I view my submission.  Whether by choice or conditioning, I will probably always struggle with using my safeword.  I will always struggle with the feelings of failure and disappointment, even though I know Master would never feel either of those feelings if I use it.  

The culture surrounding the use of safewords has come an exceptionally long way.  But I am positive that it still has a long way to go.


*On a side note, the color system has grown exponentially over the years.   What started as a three color system has become almost comical in the alternative colors available for use.

Green – Go

Yellow/Orange/Tan/Amber- Slow down

Red- Stop your current activity/ End scene

Black- End everything immediately

Blue- I need water/I need comfort


My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tagged With: bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, bottom, boundaries, consent, dominant, hard limits, limits, negotiation, power dynamic, power exchange, safeword, soft limits, submissive, Top

Spicing Up Poly Relationships

December 19, 2020 By Jennifer McKinnon 2 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy
via stock.adobe.com

It takes two to tango, but with the proper consent and just the right amount of kink,  polyamorous relationships may just be one of the best ways to enjoy satisfying sex. 

Want to take it to another level? Want a different way to enjoy this type of sexual setup? Here are some hot suggestions to try out!

Role Plays

It all begins in the mind when it comes to sexual satisfaction. And when it comes to multiple partners, communication and chemistry are both equally important in getting that thrill.

Which is why role playing may just be the thing to level up this kink. Fancy being a dom? Talk with your partners on possibly living out this fantasy. Want to play out a particular scene that’s been bugging you ever since? Talk it out with your partners! Have you ever wanted to be someone (or something) when spending time with your partners? Maybe it’s time to plan and make these dreams into reality.

Role playing, when planned and done properly, can bring in a different kind of thrill even before the actual deed. Think of this as a mental form of foreplay—it’s a different approach to having some sexy time with your partners.

Bottom line is, proper and constant communication (which will always be an important trait in polyamorous relationships) is essential to fun and successful role plays. You want not only consent with your partners. Planning the setting (even your individual characters’ personalities) can even be a satisfying act that will make you and your partners look forward to the role play.

Costume Fun

Role plays can be enjoyed in a much more satisfying manner with the use of costumes. The clothes make the man (or woman), and taking off these articles of clothing is just part of some sexy-time fun.

Costumes are essential to getting into a particular character’s or role’s head. This rings true especially if your personality is the total opposite of the role you’re pursuing. Articles of clothing will help you get into the right mindset.

Additionally, certain costumes can be incorporated straight right into the sexual act. Do you dream of being a sub? Perhaps having some leather and straps built into your costume can prove your obedience to your masters.

Do you want to totally play the part of dominating your partners? Perhaps a cock sheath can give you the length, girth, and confidence for a whole new sexual experience. Women may also want to experiment with strap-ons, if the scene calls for a twist or two.

In a way, costumes are more than just clothing to play a certain character. Costumes build up toward a certain sexual goal. These clothes may just be another form of an interesting type of foreplay.

BDSM

Unleash sexual satisfaction among your partners through BDSM. Essentially a higher level of role-playing and costume play, BDSM introduces several forms of erotic enjoyment that you and your partners may seek their kinks from, such as collar play and spanking (there are, actually, a whole lot more).

What makes BDSM acts a higher level of sexual bliss is, ironically, the fact that some plays do not even involve any penetration at all. It’s all about the power play that makes these plays such an orgasmic activity—again, everything begins in the mind when it comes to sexual satisfaction.

An example is suspension bondage. Having your partner (or yourself) strapped and blatantly displayed in their glory requires a high level of trust and consent. The top takes pleasure in tying up partners; subs enjoy being willing toys for their masters to play with.

These displays of power offer an interesting take when it comes to multiple partners, which we’ll expound on below.

Experiment with Group Play

As we’ve mentioned earlier, trust, communication, and consent are important in making polyamorous relationships work. The first three suggestions on spicing up these types of relationships all revolve around open communication.

Now, take everything together, and talk to your partners about doing something fun together. Doing a scene together with multiple partners may be so satisfying, just as long proper consent and rules are set beforehand.

Additionally, this approach may require some experimentation. Going with the group dynamics, would you and your partners be open to LGBTQIA+ setups? How far are you and your partners willing to go with these scenes? Are there any limitations that any one of you would like to discuss?

And this is just why it would be best to sit down and talk with all your partners. You’ll want everyone to know what you want out of these fantasies. You’ll want to be as transparent as possible when it comes to getting really good sex. You want everyone not only to be satisfied but also to be both comfortable and safe with these activities.

Best of all, you’ll want to find out what they think of these kinks you have. Who knows, they may even have better suggestions in mind. The thing is, what you’re after is not only everyone’s consent. Everyone enjoys something if everyone can be true to one another. Now, that is the key to wonderful and hot polyamorous relationships.

Talk It Out

The most important aspect of getting the best sexual kinks from polyamorous relationships is to openly communicate your desires. You won’t get something for nothing. Your fantasies will remain your dreams if you won’t act on them.

Like consent and trust, respect plays an important part when discussing sexual matters with your partners. Your kinks may not be of interest to some, and that is okay. Learn how to listen, and realize that others may have other kinks they want to live out. 

When you learn to open up, listen with grace when your partners open up about their interests; you may just find yourself willing to try new things. And isn’t that an exciting way to enjoy sex? Take some time to talk things over with your partners—that just maybe one of the best things you’ll do in your life.


In her 30s and married, Jennifer McKinnon writes mainly on sexual health for the Enhanced Male and other websites. Jennifer’s goal is to promote better sexual awareness by being self-aware and practicing responsible sex.

Tagged With: bdsm, boundaries, communication, ethical non-monogamy, group sex, poly relationships, polyamory, sex

Conversations Around Mental Health

November 22, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 3 Comments

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These times, am I right? If you’d asked me five years ago, I couldn’t have imagined the person I am today, let alone that this is what my daily life would look like. That’s a difficult thing for just about anyone, let alone overplanners like me.

I’ve always been someone who is pretty even-tempered. Most of my friends have never seen me angry, and I’m often the cheerful one. My partner and I don’t have many areas where friction is likely to occur, and on the off chance that some does, we have systems in our D/s that are designed to handle them.

It’s a good life.

I set this up not to brag, but to make it clear that my struggles with mental health issues since March have been unexpected and completely new territory for us as partners, and for us in the larger framework of our poly sphere. This isn’t to say that I haven’t had issues in my life which needed addressing, but anxiety, depression and other spectres which can be treated chemically were virtual unknowns.

The pandemic has been a learning experience for me, for us, in so many ways. I have the ability to work remotely. It limits my income and my hours, but I made that transition mid-March, shortly after spring break, when my partner also made the transition. We went from seeing one another a few hours every day to sharing office space every single day. That feels as though it requires emphasis. Every. Single. Day.

I’ve read articles that say part of our (as a society) difficulties in relationships are partly because of high stress levels which make people more agitated and partly because when we never leave one another, we can’t miss each other. We don’t have those times to reminisce about the good qualities our partners have, just the constant annoyances.

I’ve been lucky in that area. My nesting partner has few qualities I find obnoxious, so my main struggles have been with fear. I fear the unknown, I fear him contracting the virus and dying, I fear death, and I am afraid of what tomorrow will look like.

In the beginning, that made getting out of bed difficult. I found myself trying to sleep more, or burying my head in a mindless phone game to avoid having to think too much, since thinking always led back to the inevitable unknown. It was a pretty vicious cycle. I devoured news articles since for me, knowlege tends to help me feel more in-control. My partner saw that I was not okay. He began limiting my news intake by making me take time off from those things, hoping to help me find a more even keel. I was having small anxiety attacks when I grocery shopped, so he began finding delivery options that limited my interactions outside of the house. His other partner was isolating for weeks before coming to see him to make sure she wasn’t bringing deadly germs into the house. iMy anxiety levels were off the charts and I had no idea what to do. He saw that I was less productive, but it can be difficult enough to admit to ourselves when we’re not fine, let alone finding the words to admit it to someone else.

It wasn’t until the dam broke that I reached out for help. I had made it through a month and a half of the stormy seas of heightened anxiety when we learned that my daughter would have to return to work in a job which required her to come into physical contact with other people. I started crying and I couldn’t stop, and finally called my general practitioner seeking some kind of medicinal intervention. He prescribed a stopgap, and I finally had to sit down with my partner and try to put my feelings into words.

We moved out that weekend, into a living situation which better lent itself to isolating. We collected the vulnerable members of our family and shored up against outsiders. We left my daughter in our house, and I only had to take the anxiety meds when I left the house to collect groceries. We waited for any word that masks were effective, finally running across a test case of live exposure with the potential for superspread, only to have it bumped from the news. We searched for weeks for more information, relieved beyond measure when it came. It was finally safe to return home.

Going home didn’t mean my anxiety was gone. It meant my partner had to keep an eye on me for signs that I might need to medicate. I explored other possibilities, such as counseling, but talking about my anxieties only served to exacerbate them.

My partner began scheduling time for us in a friend’s pool. It was the most human interaction outside of one another that we’d had for months. We’d go swim, and it was like the stress and anxiety melted away, giving us back our humanity for just a little while. It was like lancing a wound – the poison seeped out. It wasn’t healed, but it improved dramatically.

We’ve had to find ways to steal pieces of “normal.” We’ve found that being able to do so safely has been hugely important to my mental health. As it got cold enough that the pool was less attractive, we moved to the occasional indoor game night with those friends, who were also isolating. We added two other friends to our QuaranTeam, our Perv Pod, and we made arrangements to attend our local dungeon together. The space seemed awfully empty, but before too long, the delicious sounds of four bottoms screeching at non-regular intervals and the cracks of whips and sounds of other impact filled the space in ways our physical presence could not.

Our vacation was cancelled, unsurprisingly. So we made plans with that same group to rent a house on the water down south, drove in a caravan, stopped for groceries, and spent a few days taking turns with cooking, playing board games, and fishing off of the back deck of the house. We are finding ways to regain our joy.

I still have to take my anxiety meds. My Dominant makes sure to keep track of how often I need them, and if it starts becoming more frequent, to check on my mental state more regularly. He’s relaxed some rules for the duration of this – I’m allowed more stuffies in the bed as long as the pile stays on my side, and he let me get a new wardrobe of super fluffy pajama pants to work in.

I still don’t know what tomorrow will look like. I try not to think too hard about that. We’re tentatively planning Thanksgiving with our Germ Pod. Even though I cried when I realized the rest of my family wouldn’t be able to join us, it’s better than it could be, and better than it was back in early June.

I know it can be hard to admit it, but it is so important to ccommunicate mental health challenges to partners. There are so many resources out there, help is available. It just takes sliding one foot forward for that very first step. ‘


Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: aftercare, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, boundaries, communication, mental health, poly dating, poly family, poly relationships, polyamory, relationship management, solo polyamory

Topping Your Dominant

November 22, 2020 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

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Now and then, someone arrives in my inbox with a conundrum. Their dominant has, out of the blue, asked them to do the topping.

If one is always the bottom, always the submissive, suddenly being asked to do the exact opposite can be a startling prospect. I can easily imagine a deer in headlights expression as their brain freezes on that thought and cannot go forward.

“I don’t know how to hurt him”
“I don’t know that I can.”
“He is my master and I never want to see him in pain–let alone cause it.”

Dominant does not always mean being the top. I’ve said many times that the bottom can be the dominant. I am a dominant sadomasochist. Whether I’m the top or the bottom, I’m the boss.

Service topping is a thing.
Submissive top is a thing.
There’s nothing wrong with either of those things.

In this moment, we are seeing the dominant bottom/submissive top dynamic in action.

First thing’s first. “I don’t know how…” Stop right there. The simplest solution is right in front of you.  ASK your dominant to teach you the implements they want you to use on them. There’s nothing to fear in learning how to swing a flogger or a paddle. You’re more likely to hit far too lightly in your initial efforts. The pillow you use for a target won’t really care. For all the “you’ll put out your eye” warnings about single tails, I don’t know anyone who actually has. It’s not that difficult to learn if you learn flogging first. If you’re an impact bottom, zinging yourself now and then is actually a bit of a bonus. Think about how your dominant uses them on you. Apply the techniques to your practice.

Ask your dom to teach you the lines they want you to say. Write out the script if you have to. Practice by yourself in front a mirror until you can say those lines easily. Actors practice their lines. The first few times you do this, you may as well consider yourself an actor. There’s no harm in practicing your script.

“I don’t know that I can” – Once you’ve learned how to handle the implements and say your lines, you’re one transition from doing it to a human being. You know you are capable in the sense of making the paddle work (on a pillow) so you take that big breath and you let the paddle swing to make contact with human flesh. Guaranteed you’ll barely bap the ass, but that’s okay. You’ve gotten past the hardest part. Actually swinging a paddle (or flogger) at a human being. 

While you’re engaging in your very first topping scene, your dominant should be coaching and coaxing you along and telling you what you’re doing well and when to go harder.. You know what you can take. You know how hard your ass is hit, how hard the flogger is swung. Build up your force just like your dominant does. At the same time, you’ll build up your confidence.

You have a plethora of technique and experience at your disposal. Use it.

The thing to remember is that you are serving your dominant how they want to be served. Pain is pleasure to the sadomasochist. In pain, there is freedom. You are providing both and learning an entirely new skillset at the same time. There’s certainly nothing wrong about that.


TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

FB Regular page —  https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm scene, boundaries, communication, fetish, kink, negotiation, power exchange, sex, topping from the bottom

The BDSM Vetting Process

November 14, 2020 By Joji Sada 4 Comments

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When we have the potential for a new relationship, we generally experience a sensation called New Relationship Energy (NRE).  This essentially blinds us to the character flaws of our partner and often makes them the center of our world, regardless of if we are monogamous or not.  It also impedes our communication skills.  NRE allows us to take what our partner says as fact, ignore the red flags, and skim over the vetting process.

At least, it does for those of us who still vet.

When I started in the community sixteen years ago, vetting was very much an important step to entering a dynamic.  This was especially true with the growth of the internet.  With the potential of thousands of possibilities, you had to wade your way through the chaos, and sort potentials into a few categories.

Category 1) Hell No. 

Category 2) Not my Kink (this is basically my kink profile and your kink profile do not match)

Category 3) Maybe (meaning I need to investigate this further)

Category 4) I would like to get to know you

Obviously, people moved from one category to the next as the process continues.  It makes it very hard to vet someone in my Category 4 if I am in their category 1.  

So, what is vetting?

Vetting is, according to the dictionary, to “make a careful and critical examination of (something)”.  

I’m going to be honest…that is a very broad term.  It is also extremely vague.  When I first read it, I imagined a person laid out on a table and I carefully and meticulously examined them with a magnifying glass.  Then I laughed a bit at the absurdity of my thoughts.

Vetting is essentially getting to know someone and make an informed decision about whether they are honest or not.

I have always preferred to get to know someone without the kinks first.  I need to know that I can enjoy your company in a vanilla setting as well as a kinky one.  Even though I live 24/7, it is not an endless dream of whips and chains.  It involves chores to keep the house running, work to keep a roof over our head, postponement of my needs to serve my partners, and a whole lot of cuddling.  If I cannot tolerate you in that part of my life, then all the kinks/skills in the world would not change our incompatibility.

There are a few ways to start the vetting process.

  1. First, I would look through their online persona.  If you have them across platforms, see if their posts and/or their style of writings are consistent.  You can evaluate how ever you like.  For me, are all their posts angry or blaming people for things?  Do our politics match up or do they at least seem tolerant of other viewpoints?  DO they act thirsty with every man or woman they are attracted to?  
  2. Talk to previous play partners or the community.  Honestly speaking, I usually skip this step.  I have always been in a small kink community and that often leads to skewed answers.  It is perfectly fine if you choose to not pursue person X because person Y said they were bad news.  I know that for some individuals, this has been tremendously helpful.  

However, I have also seen the opposite.  In fact, my own dynamic with Master has fed the rumour mill.  Did you know I am always in trouble?  Apparently so.  Those long-lasting marks could never actually be the result of pleasure (*gasp* Shocking, I know).  Did you know that I am too bull-headed to be submissive?  Obviously, I must be extremely unsatisfying to my Dominant.  

I am, and always have been, an open book.  You want to know something, ask.  I have never had an issue with that.  Its when people add their own spin to the story, after I have given my answer, that makes me cringe.  Both of those questions came from a brat who wanted to know how to get her Dom’s attention because she felt he was ignoring her.  I advised her that communication was key.  She needed to sit down and talk with him.  I am not a brat.  I am offended at the implication of being one.  It goes against all my beliefs as a submissive.  But, she did not like my answer.  She then proceeded to tell anyone that would listen that I was a brat, and an unhelpful one at that.

I have been accused of Topping from the bottom because I can get forceful in making sure Master takes care of himself.  I have been told (by outsiders) that I am not dedicated enough because I am not home enough.  Which, on a side note, just fuels my insecurities.  So, thank you.  I have been asked how I can “let Him do that?”  We have blanket consent, including Edge play and CNC.  You don’t have to like it, but I sure do.

All I am trying to say is, there are two sides to every story.  People like to gossip.  People like to put other people down to feel better.  So, maybe what they are saying, should be taken with a grain of salt.

  1. Do not assume anything.  Listen to what the person says versus what they do.  Does what they are saying match what they have put out into the public?  If not, ask.  If they cannot give you a satisfactory answer, trust your gut.  If they make you feel negative energy, walk away.  If you see/feel red flags, walk away.  
  1. Do their kinks match yours?  Now, we get to the good stuff.  Since you have gotten to step 4, you are probably compatible in the Vanilla world, and they do not give you the creepy crawlies, its time to find out if the things they like match yours.  Discuss both of your limits, must haves, needs, wants, safewords, dynamic wants/needs, and everything in between.  Be practical.  Be willing to compromise or walk away.  It would not be fair if one party wants a 24/7 dynamic and the other wants a long-distance, weekend getaway dynamic.  They are both valid wants, but not very compatible.
  1. Safety.  If, and when, you get to the point of meeting (if you haven’t already), please do so safely.  Meet in public.  Make sure at least two people know when and where you are going to be, who you are with, and when you plan to check in.  If I tell my safety that I will text her by 8, at 8:01 she is calling me to make sure I just didn’t lose track of time.  Take your own car or have your own ride.  Sometimes, situations get sticky and we just need to get away.  If your date picked you up, you can feel very stuck.  

In the end, vetting is necessary to finding the right partner(s).  It takes a special breed to give us the communication, trust, and vulnerability needed to make this lifestyle work.  The minute I consent to you binding me, I am trusting you with my mental and physical health.  I am trusting you with my life.

Therefore, you are going to have to bear with me and play a few rounds of twenty questions before I let you anywhere near me.


My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tagged With: bdsm, boundaries, communication, fetish, hard limits, negotiation, sex, soft limits, vetting

This week in kink: November 16, 2020

November 14, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

Most things including The Porn Industry have been altered due to the Covid-19 Crisis.

This week, New Statesman gives us the skinny on the rise of OnlyFans during the pandemic and what that means on a grander level.

Click below to find out more!

How OnlyFans became the porn industry’s great lockdown winner – and at what cost
The sex industry is booming, by which I don’t just mean the straightforward buying and selling of real-life sex. The online porn industry has grown ever larger as it has come to offer more and more extreme content, the sexualisation of entertainment and advertising continually pushes new limits, and businesses such as the high street retailer Ann Summers have successfully monetised the mainstreaming of BDSM. We are seeing this rapid growth and diversification of the sex industry partly as a consequence of the digital revolution, and partly as a consequence of business innovation. For instance, one of the pleasurable things about BDSM, from a business perspective, is that it so often demands kit. Ann Summers – whose partnership with the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise proved highly lucrative – offers a six-piece “bondage set” for £60, which includes a flogger, blindfold, ball gag, ankle cuffs, handcuffs and rope. To this could be added dozens of other items from the Ann Summers BDSM range, from multi-chain nipple clamps (£15) to hog ties (£10). At the top end of the market, Agent Provocateur has also dipped its toes into the sexual sadism market, with a £450 set of rose gold handcuffs and, for the real connoisseur, the Xenses Lilith Diamonds & Gold whip can be purchased for £4,382.22 (engraved initials optional). Who knew sexual liberation could be so profitable? The Covid-19 crisis has accelerated this commercialisation of sexual intimacy, with one of the great winners of the past six months being the British-owned tech company OnlyFans, a platform that allows “creators” (overwhelmingly women) to earn money by giving “users” (overwhelmingly men) subscription access to online content, most of which is pornographic. OnlyFans offers what should best be understood as the “girlfriend experience” of porn. Successful creators sell not just explicit content, but also the impression of authentic personality. Creators are expected to message users privately, and perhaps remember their birthdays, or their children’s names, thus offering the illusion of intimacy. OnlyFans provides temporary relief, not only from sexual frustration, but also loneliness, which is a key reason for its lockdown success. [see also: How the rich and famous stole OnlyFans from sex workers] Every now and again, a tweet by a previously unknown OnlyFans creator will go viral, as she (always she) shares photos of the house she has been able to buy “thanks to OnlyFans”. But as the blogger Thomas Hollands has found in his detailed analysis of the OnlyFans model, such rags-to-riches cases are unusual. According to Hollands’s interpretation of the data, most of the women on the platform probably make a loss, given the amount of time they spend creating content and engaging with users. The median creator attracts only 30 subscribers, but she carries just as much risk of public exposure and harassment as her more successful counterparts. The same amount of effort goes in, but a very different level of reward comes out. The distribution of income on OnlyFans is highly unequal, with the top 1 per cent of creators making 33 per cent of the money. Using the Gini index – a standard measure of economic inequality – Hollands finds OnlyFans to be more unequal than South Africa, the most unequal country in the world. The tiny minority of creators who do well on the platform are mostly celebrities already, meaning the women who post “thanks to OnlyFans” success stories on social media are not representative of ordinary creators, but are rather more like those rare punters who walk out of a casino as millionaires, having put it all on red. We shouldn’t be surprised by this. OnlyFans depends upon the commodification of sexual intimacy. It does not profit from promoting the well-being of its users or creators, but rather from encouraging growth: more content, more subscriptions, more time spent on the site. The historian David Courtwright has coined the term “limbic capitalism” to describe a technologically advanced but socially regressive business system in which global industries, often with the help of complicit governments and criminal organisations, encourage excessive consumption and addiction. They do so by targeting the limbic system, the part of the brain responsible for feeling… Limbic capitalism is the reason the most successful apps are brightly coloured like fresh fruit and glint like water. Our primitive brains helplessly seek out the stimuli we have evolved to be attracted to, and the beneficiaries of limbic capitalism have become wise to these instincts, learning over time how best to capture them. Junk food, gambling, video games, smoking, opioids, all of these tap into our longing for nourishment, excitement and pleasure, but do so while draining the consumer of health, happiness and – most importantly – money. The sex industry is the ultimate form of limbic capitalism, feeding not only on our desire for sex, but sometimes also on our desires for novelty or companionship or self-harm or the degradation of other people. Few consumers will be truly unaware of the abuses that go on within the sex industry, but how many are aware of the ways in which the industry manipulates not only its workers, but also its consumers? It is not by chance, for instance, that one particular iteration of the rise of limbic capitalism in the form of BDSM porn has coincided with a rise in women reporting unwanted acts of sexual aggression such as choking. Algorithms that push consumers towards ever more novel, ever more addictive content are designed to produce profit, not happiness. Which is why we should always ask, when faced with any new sexual fashion or product: why do I really desire this? And, in the end, cui bono?
www.newstatesman.com

Dutch News reports that all non-consensual sexual acts will now be considered rape.

In our opinion this is great news because rape and/or molestation can be so much more than violent sexual acts and/or attempts. Rape and molestation truly come down to non-consensual sexual behavior.

This is definitely a step in the right direction. Click below to find out more!

All non-consensual sex to be classed as rape in new law

For so many BDSM can help with PTSD, anxiety, OCD, etc.

This week, Huff Post brings us a story about how Kate O’Kelly used BDSM to take control of her life after her assault.

Click below to learn more about this powerful story!

HuffPost is now a part of Verizon Media
HuffPost is part of Verizon Media. We and our partners will store and/or access information on your device through the use of cookies and similar technologies, to display personalised ads and content, for ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development.
www.huffingtonpost.co.uk

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: anxiety, bdsm, bdsm healing, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, boundaries, consent, fetish, kink, ocd, onlyfans, porn, pornhub, ptsd, rape, rape culture, sex, sex work, Sex Work Community, sex worker rights, sex workers

Erotica: The Fight Within

November 7, 2020 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

hot sexy male submissive with leather harness
via stock.adobe.com

***all pieces of erotica are works of fiction. We never condone anything that is NOT consensual, safe, ethical, or sane.


I need to specify to those reading this, that playing during high emotion can be dangerous.  You can miss verbal/body cues, overlook a safeword, or face the issue of potentially blacking out/disassociating.  

I wrote this to explore parts of my psyche I’ve yet to delve into.  But I also wrote this to someone with whom I trust my life.  

The goal of delving into the darker parts of the mind, is to learn.  There is more revealed in the unconscious mind than in any other medium.  

Even if I never delve into this scenario in person, I will have revealed everything I need to…subconsciously.  Master has told me, on more than one occasion, that my writing gives him insight because I pour myself into it.  It is the same reason he refuses to read unfinished work and offer suggestions.  If he did, it could influence me.

I explore darkness only with someone who can bring me back into the light.  I explore brokenness only with someone who can piece me back together.  I explore emotional fuckery only with someone who will not be crushed beneath the weight of it.

What you choose to do is your decision.  Just know, if you cannot separate what is done in a scene from what happens in real life, your relationship can be irrevocably changed or damaged.


You once told me, Sir, that I push your boundaries unlike anyone else.  

I had to think about that.  At first glance, it looks as though I lack respect for your limits.  But, when we talked about it, you told me it meant I pushed you as you push me.  

We have successfully faced quite a few demons and delved into some dark places.

We have moved seamlessly from physical pain to mental and we continue to push against what is deemed as safe and sane.

We are risk takers Sir.  I’d have it no other way.

With that in mind, I wish to request a new boundary to be explored.

I want you to make me angry Sir.  

I want you to throw me against the proverbial wall and help me bring the bricks down.

I want to feel the thrum of adrenaline and the fire in my veins.  

I want to fight you.  

I want to growl and scream and cry.

I want you to take me down without mercy.

Are you willing to brave this with me Sir?  Are you willing to catch me on the other side as I come down?  Are you willing to help me deal with the guilt when this is done?

Are you willing and able to keep me sane without losing yourself in the process?

We don’t play angry.  We have always refused to play during any heavy influx of emotions. 

Tonight, I want that to change.

Please, Sir?


You are a crafty bastard Sir.  When I asked for an emotionally charged scene, I did not expect you to have me set it up.

You know how much I hate making decisions.

I know you’re fucking with me.  But I also know you want to understand how far to push me.

See, you can read me my body like no other.  But what I choose at the beginning, gives you an idea of how far to go.

I understand it.  I just don’t like it.


I knew the two fastest ways to anger without conflict.

Step one: My song. On repeat.  Seven minutes of mesmerizing lyrics that take me over.

You can see the change in me.  There is a reason I rarely play this song.  It stirs my mind like a woman possessed.  It makes me feel…violent.

Step two: Handcuffs

We both know the cuffs alone will make me fight.  I tried breaking the kitchen chair last time we used them.  

This time, you were smarter.

You locked one wrist in front of me, pulled the chain between my legs, and locked the other one.  Then you pulled the leg irons chain over the cuffs and pulled them down and around the leg of the bedframe.

I am technically free to move within a small area.  With difficulty, I can switch from kneeling to sitting but little else is possible.

You snap your fingers.

I Breathe deeply.  We are about to begin.

You want me immersed.  

I sit down on my ass, my knees bent and my hands loosely hanging.  My top half is bare, and the room is chilly.    My fingers are playing with the soft fabric of my leggings already.  Can you see my anxiety already Sir?  I don’t think I have hidden it very well.

The leg irons pull against my ankles.  I have twisted the chain already, but I refuse to say anything.  I will deal with this.

I look up at you.  I am scared Sir.

For all my bravado, I do not like being angry.  I know that I could hurt someone.  I know that I could hurt you if I sink too far.  I feel very small for asking for this.

You read me so well.  You look deep into my eyes, my lip trembling, and you run your fingers through my hair.  It soothes me.  I close my eyes to revel in it and you backhand me.

We’ve started.

From this point, you won’t let up until you are ready…or I color.

Would that be wrong?  To color on a scene I’ve requested?  

You will tell me that it is not wrong.  And I know for damn sure, we would never be trying this if you didn’t trust me to speak up when needed.

Those thoughts cross my mind all the time.  

So, let’s see what happens Sir.

Are you ready?


I am waiting for the music to start.  

“Are you ready for this?”. You ask only once.

You are giving me an out.

I inhale deeply. I don’t want it.

“Press play” I state firmly.

Without another word, you press play.  I know we have put the song on repeat for the length of the disc.  It will continue to ramp me up until it is turned off.

The headphones are immersion ones.  They close me off from the outside world.  All I can hear is the music.

Then, you leave.

I fucking hate being alone.  I get antsy and worried and scared.  

Forty-five seconds in.  My eyes close of their own volition.

1 and a half minutes in.  I can feel my face contorting into a smirk.

2 minutes.  My lips move unconsciously to mouth the dark words.  You were smart Sir.  By using the instrumental track, with only the backup vocals, I can sink ever so further.  The ability to sing along and keep myself distracted from the emotion is no longer an option.  

My chin drops to my chest.  I roll my neck to one side and slowly to the other.  I can feel the cracking of the bones. 

3 minutes. My heart is pounding. My eyes are open and unseeing.  My head cocks to the side, glaring into the nothingness. 

Four minutes.  Even though I know I shouldn’t, I start rubbing the cuff rings.

The cuffs are cool to my thumbs as I rub the metal.

My thoughts are dark Sir; and sneaky.


We are halfway through the first play of the song.  The bass drum is beating loud.  I am tugging more frantically at my cuffs now.  I feel them pulling against my hands.  

I am going to bruise.

I am watching the door.  I’m determined to be free by the time you come back.  I plan to tackle you.  I’m going to take you to the floor and have you beg me for mercy.

I can do it.  

I smirk.

If not, I will go down fighting.


I was unprepared for the mask Sir.  As soon as the darkness descended, I started bucking.  You appeared from nowhere.

Were you watching me?  Where?  I could not see you.  

Why would you hide Sir?

Are you scared of me?

Won’t you let me free Sir?  

I can do such wondrous things to you.

After all, you cannot see the fire in my eyes with a hood on.

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Whatever shall we do Sir?  Won’t you let me out to play?


You have turned the volume up.  I can feel the vibrations across the whole of my ears.  I feel the zipper on the hood open across my mouth.  I strike forward to bite you.

Rule number 2 in our dynamic.  I am never to bite.

I’ve just declared war.

I am pulling roughly at the handcuffs.  If I can shift the bed frame, then you have no chance.

I feel your hand grip the back of my neck, as though you were planning to lift me.  You press my body forward.  Your other palm presses harshly against my mouth and pinches my nose through the hood.  I did not even have a chance to take a breath.  I’m trying to wrestle free.  I can hear the clanking of the metal over the music.  I feel like a feral animal trying to free itself. My head is locked into place by your strength.  

I am going to pass out.

Then, you let me breathe.

Or so I thought.

One big breath is all I managed before you shoved the gag between my teeth.  You made sure I would be able to breathe by picking the ball gag with holes.  But it clearly tells me that talking is out of the question.

Good.

If you want an answer, you are gonna need to read my fucking mind.

Sir.


I feel the chain go slack for a split second.  You must have lifted the corner of the bed.  I pull quickly and round my head in what I believe is your direction.  It connects with something.  I turn the other direction and roll onto my back.  I know I cannot run with the way I am chained.  But I do have enough room to kick you.

I kick out, low to the ground, and my foot connects.  I know instantly I have hit too low.  Your boots hurt quite a bit when kicked with bare feet.  I aim higher but I feel your hand grab my ankles.  My arms are stretched as you hold me tight.

Then the blows start.

A firm smack right onto my ass.  

I hate this position.  I hate having my legs in the air like a baby.  It is humiliating…and you know it.  That is exactly why you do it.

Two. Three. Four.

In such quick succession, I cannot catch my breath or bearings.

Five hits me full force to the top of my pussy.

Fuck.  I guarantee you heard that through the gag.

Six. Seven. Eight.  

Harder and harder you hit my ass.  My body is trying to rock against the floor.  Anything I can do to get free.  I am not fairing so well at that.

Nine is a firm kick to the ass by your boot.

God Dammit.

Ten reigns down on my pussy once more.  Pretty sure I am going to be icing for days at this point.

You drag me by my ankle across the carpet until we meet linoleum.  You roll me over in one smooth motion and use the leverage of the chain to pull my knees up under me.  My ass is now in the air and my face is pressed to the cold floor.  My shoulders are burning, and my wrists are swollen.  I am biting down on the rubber of the gag so hard I am expecting it to split.

I feel a heavy thud against my thighs.  Oh god, not that one.  I hate it.

Five thwacks, each getting harsher and harsher.  The hood is wet now.  It clings to my eyes as they water, and I have soaked the bottom half with my spit.

I keep trying to shift away from the blows.  For a masochist, I move a lot Sir.  Have you ever noticed that?

Five more and I am sobbing.  My legs are shaking to the point that I cannot hold them up anymore.  Then again, as soon as I started to drop them, I felt it.

You finally unsheathed the knife you were hitting me with.

The broad side of the blade is cool against my skin.  I feel its tip at my belly button, with the rest of the length sliding down to my pussy.  It is your warning to keep my position.

And it is my chance to end it.

Not a chance in hell Sir.

Is that all you’ve got?


My legs are trembling.  I feel like I have been at the gym for a couple hours on a treadmill.  I feel the knife sliding against my skin.  I am trying to hold still.  I know there will be marks.  Even the dullest of your knives leave me with welts.  

Ever so slowly, the tip slides down between my legs.  I feel you grab the crotch of my leggings and I feel the sharp tug as you slice them.  The knife leaves my skin for just a moment and I feel your fists shred my clothes the remaining in bit.  I can only feel them clinging to me from my calves to my ankles.  Then the blade is back.  

You are cruel Master.  I am trying to focus on where the blade is at, but the music is distracting me too much.  If I had to guess, knowing the marks it will leave, I am positive you are drawing little smiley faces that I will be staring at in the mirror for the next week.

I am not amused!

But I can imagine the smirk you must be wearing at your own ingenuity.

I feel the tip slide down my thighs and to my calves.  I feel the rest of my leggings fall from my body.

Time is relative in the dark.  I lost count of the amount of times my song has played.  I know my ass stings.  I have no idea how long you have been marking me with that blade.  I know it periodically slides between the lips of my vagina and I hold my breath every time.  I know my jaw aches from the gag and my neck is sore from being on the floor in this position.  My shoulders still burn, and my body shakes from either adrenaline or cold.  Of which I am not entirely sure.

But I want more Sir.

When you have finished with the blade, I feel you give me one last whack with it after you sheathed it and I felt your breath light up the cuts along my backside.

Gently, you pull me up to my knees and let me lean my head against your legs.  The music is turned down until it is a mere whisper.  It stays constant, and I still cannot hear you, but it curbs the adrenaline.

You pick me up to standing but my legs cannot hold me.  So, you leave me kneeling and drag me to wherever you desire me to be.  You bend me over the bed.  It keeps me kneeling but puts the pressure on my abdomen instead of my knees.  I put my forehead against the softer surface.  

Your hand is rubbing my ass.  It feels nice.

Then I feel the cold.  You just dumped ice water down my back, across my ass, and over my legs.  My body tenses instantly.  We both know I do not do well with temperature change.  

This is new.

And then I understand why you turned the music down.

POP

Fuck.

It is the fucking cattle prod.

Yes, it hurts.  But it is the sound that gets me.

Once to the thigh.  It travels with the water as it drips down my skin.

Then you set it off near my ear.  I jumped and thrashed.

Another to the ass.  The knife marks light up with the electricity.

Did you know open wounds increase the intensity of the shocks?  Of course you did.  This is your favorite.  To watch me bend and bow to the lightning.  To watch me shiver from the cold, or is that fear?

One. Two.

POP. This one doesn’t touch me but I can hear it near my face.

Three.

POP.

Four. Five.

POP. This time I hear it behind my neck

Then one long intense one between my legs.  I screamed with that one.

POP. I can hear it again, but I cannot tell where it is coming from.  This time I hear it and it is followed by a smack to my ass.  It must be the belt.  

I cannot hold back the cries anymore.

Smack.

Smack.

POP.

Silence.


Where am I Sir?

I am very, very cold and I cannot open my eyes.

My ears are buzzing but there is no defining sound.  My body is shivering but I feel a warm hand on my stomach and one in my hair.

My heart has slowed.  

My mind is jumbled and dark.  I’m not really sure what is going on.

I don’t know how long it took but my eyes finally flutter open.  It takes several tries.  The room is very bright, even though we have black out curtains up.

I finally open my eyes and I see Master there.  I am laying on my back with my head in his lap.   He is watching me.  He seems worried. 

I see his lips moving but I cannot understand what he is saying.

Everything is a blur, but I can guess what happened.  

I stare up at him with a soft smile.  I am in the safest place right now.

He is waiting for an answer.  

I know the question.

“My name is Joji.”  I see him breathe a little easier. 

He brushes my hair from my face and rubs soft circles on my tummy with his thumb.

“And my name?” The question sounds so soft to me, but I can hear him again.

“Master.”  As I see him smile, I know that we are both going to be fine.


My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tagged With: bdsm, bottom, boundaries, communication, fetish, kink, master, mistress, negotiation, power exchange, sex, slave, submissive, Top

This week in kink: November 9, 2020

November 7, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

The pandemic has affetced so many businesses, events, and local hang outs.

With this being said, more queer and alt places are being forced to close and/or adjust their operating protocols.

Click below to read a riveting article on this matter brought to us by Reader!

Gay bathhouses were barely surviving. And then came COVID-19.
Can these queer havens survive another pandemic?
Chicago Reader | Adam M. Rhodes

Sadly, being a kinkster hasn’t been widely accepted yet. Many still remain igorant to how much kink and BDSM is rooted in consent, communication, and honoring boundaries.

Jerry Falwell Jr. was forced to resign recently from his leadership role at Liberty University due to kink-shaming.

Click below to find out more from Progressive Secular Humanist!

Jerry Falwell Jr. Sues Liberty University After Being Kink-Shamed And Forced To Resign

Foot fetishes are booming in India’s virtual spaces.

Sex workers post foot pictures and conduct live streaming foot shows for clients.

Into foot fetishes? Curious about them?

Then definitely check out this interesting article from ThePrint!

Dirty, groomed or bare — foot fetish now a hot business in India with ‘goddesses’ & ‘slaves’

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, boundaries, communication, consent, fetish, foot fetish, kink, LGBTQ, negotiation, queer, Sex Work Community, sex worker rights, sex workers

Avoid The Kink Holiday Push

November 1, 2020 By Elyssa Rice 2 Comments

lesbian collar bdsm play
via stock.adobe.com

Winter time is coming. The weather is slowly beginning to change and the desire to pair up is seeping into the minds of many. As we enter Autumn, the pull towards developing new relationships continues to grow but in the time of Covid, there is a major barrier to creating those winter time pairings. Further, for those in the kink world, finding not only a partner but a kinky partner can make things even more challenging. 

Navigating dating as a kinky person can be quite difficult. Between the limited resources available to find quality kinky partners to the frequent fetishizing of kinky folks, it can be hard to find serious connections that can grow into long term relationships. In fact, it can even be a struggle to find something casual. It is important when pursuing new relationships, especially those that are kinky, to take your time, pay attention to red flags, and never lower your standards. 

Do not lower your standards

I cannot stress enough how important it is to remain dedicated to the standards that you have set for yourself. When we are in a clear head space, it is much easier to reflect on the type of partner that we may want but often, in times when we are eager to partner up, we may pair with someone who may not be suitable for our needs. To remain diligently committed to the standards that have been set for ourselves can be a challenge, however it will likely increase the opportunity to find a partner who is a better match. 

Do not rush

It is easy to approach this season with the feeling that a relationship must begin immediately. The desire to pair up is often influenced by loneliness which in turn creates feelings of discomfort and distress. It is important not to let those feelings inform the decisions that are being made when trying to pair up. Rushing into relationships often leads folks to miss red flags that may have otherwise come up if more time was taken. While finding an excellent partner may happen early in the dating process, it can be helpful to slow down and take your time as you go forth with getting to know that person and potentially committing yourself to them. 

Do not ignore red flags

One of the riskiest things folks can do when beginning a new relationship is ignore red flags. This is even more dangerous when the relationships have a kink component. Red flags are meant to warn us from potential risk and it is easy to overlook those risks when the desire to be in a relationship is overwhelming. Looking at our past experiences can allow us to recognize where there have been errors in our judgement. Perhaps we saw a trait that we convinced ourselves we could get used to when in reality, it should have been a deal breaker. As people approach this cuffing season, it will be helpful to not attach to someone who exhibits traits that we deem toxic or unhealthy for our well being. 

The dating process may seem daunting but it is possible, even in these unusual times, to find a partner or partners who can make this winter even more cozy. Overall, looking at relationships with an open mind and approaching slowly and cautiously may allow for stronger and more healthy connections to be made. So this fall, as you approach the season of connection, remember that cuffing, whether emotionally or physically, requires diligence, patience and hopefully a bit of fun. 


Elyssa Rice is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the Kink and Alternative Lifestyle community. She is a writer, lecturer and advocate for sexual empowerment and sexual freedom. She has a private practice in Los Angeles, CA and is dedicated to shifting the narrative about both the mental health and Kink community.

Tagged With: bdsm, boundaries, communication, fetish, kink, red flags, self work

This week in kink news: October 26, 2020

October 24, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

Don’t miss the riveting story of how Ms. Vivienne became a dominatrix.

She gets real and personal when sharing her story. Furthermore, she explains her view of sex work and how it has changed her life for the better.

Click below to read more from The Independent!

I became a financial dominatrix because I couldn't afford my insulin
In the year I’ve been in the industry, I’ve learned a lot about myself, my values, goals, and interests. My mom knows. I’ve become a better, more emotionally intelligent person. And I understand men in a much better way I did before
The Independent

Curous to learn the top five sexual fantasies amidst the general public?

Articles like this can help us see that we aren’t as “demented” as we may think we are, and that we aren’t as alone as we may think we are either.

Click below to learn more from News Patrolling!

5 Most Common Sexual Fantasies

Upscale, NY, sex club decides to have a Black Death-themed Halloween party.

We, here at Kink Weekly, know that everyone has their own comfortability regarding quaratine practices.

Decide for youself about this party by reading Oli Coleman’s article!

https://pagesix.com/2020/10/12/upscale-sex-club-snctm-plots-black-death-themed-halloween-party/


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, boundaries, consent, dominatrix, ethical non-monogamy, fetish, kink, orgy, polyamory, power exchange, sex, sex club, Sex Work Community, sex workers, sexual fantasy, submission

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