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Home » boundaries

boundaries

Consensual Non-Consent

November 4, 2021 By PirateStan 2 Comments

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How does one talk about consensual non-consent (CNC), a form of play which, frankly, goes against all the tenets learned upon entering the scene? CNC by design is generally opposed to SSC (safe, sane, and consensual) and goes into areas many consider dangerous, risky, and flat-out unacceptable. Quite frankly, it’s the sort of thing many outside of the scene will use to condemn those in it.

So what is CNC exactly? It’s kinky-improv, a no-holds-barred, generally impact-free scene between two like-minded individuals with seemingly little regard for consent or safewording. Often enough it’s referred to as “rape play” and the trappings can indeed mimic sexual assault to someone watching who’s not cognizant of what’s actually going on.

Of course, CNC play does involve both safewords and consent, but not necessarily in the way that we tend to be taught upon entering the scene. It takes a tremendous amount of trust and understanding between partners yet, surprisingly (IME) little actual negotiation. More on that in a minute.

It’s my experience that many who are brand new to the scene (and young to boot, often under 25) gravitate almost immediately to CNC play. And that seems crazy and irresponsible; CNC is hardcore, advanced play, the sort of thing which should only be engaged in by those with lots of experience, who know what they want and accept the rather extensive possible risks.

And, of course, you find the right partner; someone with whom you have absolute chemistry, who groks what you want, and you grok similarly with them. Yet finding and recognizing that person tends to involve lots of experience, at least on one side of the equation.

As always, I can only speak from my personal experience. Your mileage may vary (YMMV).


The concept of CNC had long appealed to me, ever since I’d first gone to a presentation in the deep, dark days of 2009. What they were doing seemed wrong, even as it was incredibly hot. The couple in question obviously were completely in sync, but how had they gotten there?

It was something I consequently brought up with my next two partners. Both loved the concept; we discussed and negotiated many times. Yet even as we seemed otherwise in sync, somehow we couldn’t make it work.

It seemed full of artifice, overly rehearsed; certainly there were guidelines, limits, and safewords. But once the scene began it felt as if we were going through a script, filming a movie. It was fun for sure, but not really what we’d both hoped for.

Enter my new girl.

The first time I tied her up, she immediately began fighting back, as if she didn’t want to be there. She was terrified, angry, and struggling, trying to pull away from me; even as I would grab the bonds, manhandling her roughly.

She repeatedly said “No,” “Stop it,” “Let me go!” and similar pronouncements. When I went to add a ballgag she fought back just the right amount before letting me buckle it on, at which point she angrily gagtalked while trying to push it out.

In short, she was doing almost exactly what I wanted, even though we’d never really discussed this in any detail. I would periodically whisper stage directions into her ear; more intense here, struggle to get away now, pretend you don’t want me to touch your pussy, don’t let me grab your nipple. Each time she seemed to exactly intuit what I wanted and performed perfectly.

Because, to a large degree, that’s what CNC is, a performance, kinky improv for two people. It’s not necessarily something which can be negotiated or taught. It’s something which needs to be felt.

And that, honestly, is rare.


In the end, I can’t recommend that you dive into CNC without doing a great deal of research, preferably with real people, in meatspace, said people having a fair amount of experience.

When it’s great, it can be fantastic, transcendent even.

But when it’s bad, it can be dangerous and traumatic, triggering.

Be careful with this one friends; it can fuck you up.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm safety, boundaries, consensual non-consent, consent, dominant, fetish, hard limits, kink, negotiation, power exchange dynamic, safety consent, soft limits, submissive

Video: How To Introduce BDSM To Any Partner

September 29, 2021 By Ms. Elle X 2 Comments

Want to explore BDSM with your partner, but have never done so before?

Then, check out this informative video from Ms. Elle X!

How to Introduce BDSM to *Any* Partner | Ms. Elle X

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, boundaries, fetish, hard limits, kink, negotiation, soft limits

Video: When My Boundaries Were Crossed During Bondage

August 19, 2021 By Evie Lupine 2 Comments

Consent is key! Respecting boundaries for ourselves and others is paramount!

With this being said, check out this informative video by the fabulous Evie Lupine!

My Boundaries Were Crossed in Bondage. Here's What Happened.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, boundaries, consent, fetish, hard limits, kink, negotiation, non-consensual, safety consent, soft limits

Consistency Is Key!

August 1, 2021 By TAC 3 Comments

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We prattle on in blogs, books, boards, and conversations about trust being the most important aspect of developing a dynamic, finding a play partner, and being a “good” fill in the blank. But is it really? Where does trust come from? It certainly does not just happen. Like a bad rash it creeps up on us over time. Insinuating itself into our psyche often without us understanding how it got there.

Trust comes from many things, but in my opinion, mostly from being consistent. In our actions, words, honesty, and temperament being consistent with our partner becomes the foundation of trust. Can we have trust without it?

Why Consistency?

If we have a dog, and that dog tries to bite us every time we touch its head, can we not trust it to do so again, the next time around? In the reverse, if we have a partner who consistently corrects us each time we say we are not attractive, smart, or capable could we not believe they would rise to the occasion the next time? Simply put trust is built on the back of, “if A happens, B will follow,” generally without fail. Trust is a personal connection combined with having faith in another person to act in a manner to which we have become accustomed.

If for some reason, we put ourselves down and our aforementioned partner does not correct us what happens? Our brain registers alarm and we begin looking for why. Did they not hear me? Are they not paying attention? They acted differently than expected.

When we meet a new person and begin vetting them, the general expectation is that they will be honest with us. If we find them not to be, again alarm. They have acted outside of our expectation and set a new one. The old adage, “once a liar always a liar,” comes to mind. After that point we are forever wondering if what they tell us is the truth.

If we run across enough liars in the vetting process, our general expectation of people changes. All people lie. So the next person we vet starts in a hole which others have dug for them.

For good or ill an expectation is set, regardless of the expected behavior being positive or negative. Trust can be a positive and or a negative thing.

If Trust can be Positive or Negative, Why Does it Matter?

Evolution has built us to identify different, as bad. Something different means potential danger. Over time we can become accustomed to many things, even horrible happenings in our lives and they become “normal” to us because they have been consistently happening to us. 

It is why sometimes people who are abused, stay with their abusers. They know what is going on is not healthy for them, even potentially deadly. But they have become accustomed to their reality and can trust the outcomes of each day. Even if that outcome is a black eye, or worse. Evolution is working against them. The devil you know……

The opposite is also true.

Trust matters because it is a building block. The foundation of the structure built upon it. What we are really looking for in lifestyle dynamics is trust built from positive outcomes. That is the differentiator between a healthy and unhealthy dynamic. To get there, to build that, we need consistently positive experiences. 

Of course, there are going to be bumps or things which we do wrong at times, eroding that positive consistency. Hopefully, we have deposited more in the positive bank than the negative. This gives us a head start for when things really go wrong.

What Happens When our Bank Suddenly Overdrafts?

That really depends not on the partner in the wrong, but the partner who has been wronged and their expectations of themselves. Let’s face it, bad things will happen, hopefully not often. When they do, that is likely to late to decide if you are really committed to the relationship. 

To survive these events, the consistent expectation of ourselves should have been a foregone conclusion. Before our world gets turned upside down the attitude of, “I will stick,” can make all the difference in the world. It does not matter what cowpie my partner steps in, as long as the relationship is not toxic, I decided long ago that staying committed is the only option. No matter what, we would find a way through it. 

It may really suck getting through it, but we both have already decided the outcome to be positive. 

Without that consistent personal attitude toward ourselves, we allow doubt to creep in. Doubt prevents us from seeking truth and encourages us to assign blame. Blame never solved anything.

How Do I Get to Being Consistent?

Practice, a lot of it, and holding each other accountable. If one of us breaks the expectations, the other better be saying something. If one of us does something great, we should be expressing our appreciation. It becomes a way of life, a technique we weave into our communication, and an expectation in and of itself. Which, if done well, is appreciated.

It takes the ability to keep an open mind, not jumping to conclusions, and really listening and discussing what is going on. Not assigning blame but finding fact in an effort to design solutions. This no-fault attitude toward communication and accountability frees both partners to be open about more than just what we need to be consistent at but also provides the platform to discuss those things which are extremely difficult. All of which improves open and consistent communication.

Having written expectations, rules, and consequences (good and bad) aids in being consistent also. If we have a primer to follow, we are more likely to use it rather than wing it. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes we have to wing it, we cannot plan for everything. Yet that document allows us to temper the way we respond, going back to what we have agreed to, before deciding what to do. If gives us time to cool down and think about what is reasonable rather than acting rashly and maybe out of emotion.

Rash action is the enemy of consistency and trust. It almost never serves you well.

How Do We Benefit?

Learning to be consistent in how we treat our partner, and others, not only breeds trust but also confidence in them and ourselves. It becomes a launchpad for ideas because we know that if something we plan for a scene, or even life, goes horribly wrong the outcome will be a combined effort to get back to, “us,” not the destruction of us. What an incredible place to be, knowing that we can explore things which may be vastly difficult, and possibly even dangerous (regarding kink), knowing that our partner will see it through with us, no matter the outcome.

Is that not what most of us really want? That consistent person to explore with? The knowledge that tomorrow really is a forgone conclusion? 

Of course, we cannot stop what fate has in store for us. But we can plan for the way we will react to it. Every time we react consistently committed to each other, and toward each other, the stronger that commitment and trust becomes.

The rabbit hole is bottomless. All you have to do is decide to take the dive together, knowing if and when the bottom is found, it will be found together.

Consistency gives us a gift. The freedom to be exactly who we are with each other, without judgement.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm checklist, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm safety, bdsm scene, boundaries, communication, fetish, hard limits, kink

This week in kink: May 24, 2021

May 20, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Are there any kinks or fetishes or sexual acts that should be and/or are off limits?

Is consent by all parties the only factor redgarding ethical play?

To further answer these questions, check out this riveting article from refinery29!


Don’t miss Hajime Kinoko’s amazing Shibari installation!

Click below to read more from Cision!


Mistress Velvet, the amazing Domme that tried her best to spread the word of black feminism to her subs, passed recently.

Click below to find out more


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm contract, bdsm play, bdsm punishment, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, black feminism, bottom, boundaries, consent, dominant, dominatrix, domme, feminism, fetish, hard limits, kink, negotiations, power exchange, rope bondage, shibari, soft limits, submissive, Top

“You don’t like to cuddle?! You’re a HORRIBLE Person!”

April 2, 2021 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

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Seems like such a mundane thing to have as a hard limit, doesn’t it? Cuddling after sex or play.

I get this attitude every time the topic of aftercare comes up. Doesn’t matter if I’m the bottom. Doesn’t matter if I’m the top. Doesn’t matter if I’m the dom. Doesn’t matter if I’m the sub.

They ALWAYS mean cuddling. I mean ALWAYS. It’s never about food and drink. Never about tending wounds. It’s always about being trapped against another human being long after my need for close contact is concluded.

When I say I don’t cuddle, people automatically assume I must be some callous, mean-spirited, abusive ghoul. They personally have to have the cuddles, so anyone who won’t do that (even though we’re never going to meet, let alone play) is the worst villain in the world. End of story.

Here’s the thing…there is a story behind it, if only they’d see past their own personal snit to listen.

Not once has anyone ever asked me why I don’t like to cuddle. I’m a very horrible terrible person and that’s the end of it. There are no valid reasons as far as they are concerned.

But, yeah, there are reasons. Very serious, horrific reasons. In order to comprehend how pervasive it is, take this moment to set aside any indignation over the very thought that someone doesn’t like to cuddle with other adult human beings. (Cats and dogs are fine. I’d love a bunny, too. Or a ferret. Hell, even a cuddly snake would be great.)

My reason starts with the molestation I endured for years as a child. Being trapped on the bed, unable to escape him or that nightmare. Not allowed to leave the bed until he’d done what he was going to do to me that day and let me go. There was no fighting him. He was much bigger than I was at the start. He just picked me up and carried me into his room. The cousin trusted to babysit me and his younger brother while his mother and sisters went to the grocery store, which always took two or more hours. It ended when my mother and I moved closer to my school and I no longer had to go to my aunt’s house every day Monday through Friday.

Flash forward to my first husband, who I was with from 1987 to 2000. He would demand that I remain in the bed with him after sex. “Cuddle with me!” he would say in this pleading, childish whine. It may have been cute at first. After years of it, I hated that phrase. At the time, I could not vocalize my dislike. I just didn’t much like to cuddle.

I was literally trapped in his arms, forced to remain regardless how I felt about it. He was good at back-handed guilt trips and getting angry if I tried to stand up for myself and not do something he was badgering me into. There was no winning. Even if I won and didn’t have to cuddle, I lost because he would be angry for hours.

I had to endure it until he started snoring. Close, hot space, sweaty bodies (gross), being breathed on when my skin was already insufferably over-sensitive. 

I hated every second of it. I still do. If a guy flogs and fucks me well enough that I want to cuddle, he needs to mark his belt, put a notch on the bedpost, and make a note in the calendar to celebrate the anniversary next year.

Once he started snoring, I could extricate myself from the bear trap and get some space. I could be alone for the rest of the night if he stayed asleep.

Would it have been different if I’d never suffered through four years of sexual abuse? I don’t know. I can never know, so I don’t dwell on it. This is who I am and people have to take me as I am. They cannot change me to suit themselves, and that wouldn’t be fair of them anyway.

Not wanting to be trapped in a place I no longer want to be doesn’t make me a horrible person.

“Gosh, maybe you should go to therapy and fix that!” I can hear someone saying.

Why? To appease people I’m not in a relationship with? So no one has to suffer the thought that someone else isn’t like they are? No amount of therapy in the world is going to change the fact that I don’t like to be touched after sex and/or play, or that I want to be left alone when we’re done. I don’t need that type of pseudo-connection and manufactured closeness in order to be content.

Another mundane thing that is a hard limit with me is performing fellatio, and for the same initial reason: Molestation I endured as a child.

Over the years, it’s become harder and harder to do. I’m at the point where I cannot bring myself to put my mouth on the genitals. I have zero desire to do so. Rather the opposite. I have complete aversion to the very thought.

I’m really good at fellatio. I used to be able to do it for quite a long time with my first husband, until my jaw ached and I could barely move it. With the second husband, it slowly became impossible. We talked about it many times. He understood. He didn’t tell me to do it very often. He understood when I couldn’t do it for more than a few minutes. He knew it was a thing he was not qualified to fix.

“Gosh, maybe you should get some therapy to fix that!” I can hear someone saying.

Yes, the horror of a woman refusing to suck dick. It must be fixed! All those poor men whose dicks she’s not sucking! THINK OF THE POOR DICKS!

I don’t feel a need to go to therapy just so I can tolerate a sexual act I get no pleasure in performing. It’s not a crime against nature that I don’t want to do it. It’s my choice. Consent and all. I do not consent to giving head, and I’m okay never giving head ever again in my life.

That doesn’t make me a horrific monster either. I’ll still fuck a dude right off the bed. 

While I won’t perform oral, I do give an intense round of fucking. I consider that a good trade off, especially when they wear themselves out and can’t satisfy my need for orgasms. See, that’s another lingering effect of having been molested for years. I LOVE to fuck. I’m all about the penetration. Hard fucking, long fucking, bodies pounding together so hard that people on the other beds stop to watch and applaud when I’m finally done and the people next door light up a smoke.

I’d call that a good alternative.

So, Dear Reader…When someone says a seemingly mundane, everyday common thing is a hard limit, rather than drawing a judgment against that person maybe you should ask if they will share the why of it. Maybe take a moment to realize that there might be a deeply personal and private pain behind that hard limit. Understand the why and accept the person for who they are. Realize it’s not the end of the world if you don’t get that thing, and take what they offer as an alternative.

Their limit isn’t about you.

It’s about them.

——-

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She has over 30 years of experience in d/s relationships. She is also an award-winning author who has written three “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty seven fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

WordPress – https://dametylerrose.wordpress.com/

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler

Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/tylerroseauthor/

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Tagged With: aftercare, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm safety, bdsm scene, boundaries, hard limits, Kink Community, soft limits

Kink Safety: Zoom & Telegram Precautions

March 26, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

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Even as some states are lifting lockdown restrictions, there are some digital aspects of the pandemic I hope stick around. Telegram has been an awesome way to connect my local community, and this time has spawned a web of chat rooms with a variety of subject focuses, as well as chats for various local groups to just talk about their day or discuss random kink topics.  Additionally, while there is no substitute for trying things in person, I have attended some truly excellent kink educational events via Zoom over the past year.  For classes ranging from consent and negotiations to first aid for BDSM, all the way to a class on face needles, the Zoom camera gave me access to a much better view of some of the up-close details I wasn’t often able to see when attending class in a dungeon.  Additionally, it has meant I could attend classes held in other communities with the click of a button, despite being hundreds of miles away. 

Unfortunately,  these new accounts and technological connections also give additional opportunities for kinksters to slip up and disclose more personal information than intended.  My goal is to help walk y’all through some small privacy precautions that will hopefully keep you from flashing full names to the kink world at large.

I often see newcomers join Telegram making a couple of key mistakes.  The first is using their name rather than choosing a screen name.  The “name” option is your display name, not the @tag people will use to search you.  If you plan to use it for vanilla purposes, you can choose something innocuous.  If not, I suggest disabling search functions so contacts in your phone who are already users of Telegram or who join later won’t run across your kinky self chatting up a storm. 

So here’s how.  Under settings, go to the “privacy and security” tab.  Under phone number, check “Nobody”  can see you and only people you add to Telegram as contacts can search you that way.  Under the main tab, turn off the function to sync contacts from your phone, as well as the one to suggest frequent contacts.  I also advise selecting the option to delete already synced contacts if it has done this without you realizing it.  For phones, you can edit your display name by clicking the three dots on an Android phone.  Choose a display name that isn’t your vanilla first and last name.  As an additional suggestion, consider listing your preferred pronouns.

For Zoom, prior to joining a meeting, make sure any identifying information you don’t want to share is edited first.  To change your display name from your full legal name, go to the “My Account” tab.  Click on “edit” and change your name.  IMPORTANT:  Don’t forget to change it back.  My family knows what I do for a living and wouldn’t blink an eye if I joined a chat as Christmas bunny, but if my fet name were 69slutpuddle69, I suspect my family might have something to say.  My employer might have even more to say. 

Alternatively, have a separate kink email address and Zoom account that you log into for kink events.  Again, don’t forget to log out, or just make sure not to click the check box asking if you want to stay logged in.  It requires thought and consideration to protect yourself digitally.  While mistakes can happen, it is important to be deliberate and careful if you want to avoid accidentally outing yourself.

When I host Zoom events for kinksters, I always watch the waiting room tab so that if someone forgets, I can edit their name for them to an innocuous first initial.  You can usually edit your own name during a Zoom meeting my clicking on the three options dots on the right hand corner of your own video screen, or through the participants window when it is pulled up.

Unfortunately, not everyone who hosts a meeting will have experience doing so, and the delay in response time means more minutes passing with your full name exposed to people you didn’t intend to share that with. 

Please, please, please take the time to learn how to be safer online, whether or not these digital mediums continue to flourish in the future.


Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm safety, bdsm scene, boundaries, consensual, consent, fetish, gender identity, hard limits, negotiations, pronouns, safety consent, sex, sexual safety, soft limits

This week in kink news: March 29, 2021

March 26, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

India gets its first legal sex shop!

Click below to learn more from Outlook!


Pastry chef turned Dominatrix?

Click below to find out more of her story with Daily Star!


It’s so imperative that people know the difference between BDSM and abuse. The two are quite different.

BDSM always involves consent. Abuse involves unwanted, non-consensual behavior.

Click below to read more from The Conversation!


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm scene, bdsm toys, boundaries, consensual, consent, dominatrix, fetish, hard limits, kink, kinky toys, negotiations, sex toys, Sex Work Community, sex worker rights, sex workers, sexual fantasy, sexual safety, soft limits

Hard Limits And D/s Dynamics

March 7, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

From time to time, I make a comment that stirs up a bit of controversy. This week, the heresy was that I  made the statement that I see no reasons for “Hard Limits” in established, founded, D/s relationships. I  took a bit of flack regarding safety, communications, rights, etc. 

So, before we get into my rationale, let’s quickly define a “Hard Limit”: A pre-negotiated activity,  situation, or issue that participants considered to be prohibited.  

It’s important to note, that my statement was made with respect to established and founded D/s  Relationships. That is: Those with established, healthy underlying relationships (see my other  articles regarding the “Layers” and what an “underlying relationship entails”) and relationships with  developed, understood power dynamics.  

I do see value in Hard Limits in other circumstances. For example, in a dynamic that’s built on a new  relationship – or one that’s otherwise relatively early in its BDSM development – Situations where the  dominant and submissive do not know each other well. In those cases, having the communication  required to establish a set of hard limits is extremely valuable and likely even necessary for safety. 

As my relationships are all firmly established and founded, I find the notion of limits to be restrictive  for the dominant and indicative of a problem with the intent of the submissive. This is the  fundamental assertion that raised the dander of many of the conversation’s participants. 

My argument harkens back to the discussion of “Layers”; specifically, that different relationship  attributes source their intent from the underlying relationship and others source from the power  dynamic that is layered on top of that relationship. The requirements for a successful relationship  (with or without a power dynamic) are things like: Caring, Respect, Honesty, Open Communications,  Trust, Mutual Fulfillment of Needs, Companionship, etc.  

It is my contention that, in D/s relationships that have established underlying relationships, the types  of things that are “protected” within a “Limit” are naturally handled, without the need for a formalized  structure. If you care about the physical and mental health of your partner, you’re not going to do  things that harm them. You aren’t going to violate their trust. Therefore, the establishment of a formal  “Hard Limit” is redundant. Worse than just being unnecessary, the restrictive nature of the INTENT  of establishing a formal hard limit, indicates that the submissive does not trust the dominant to care  for them – and feels that a contractual construct to explicitly prohibit them is necessary. I feel that this  dilutes the commitment that is being made to that dominant. 

The arguments that came back (and that maybe you’re thinking right now) related to the “Safety” of  the submissive: That the dominant is obligated to avoid the limited activity which protects the  submissive. They also fired off on “the rights of a submissive to control what is done to their bodies”. 

To the first concern, I pointed out that there is nothing legal about a hard limit. A hard limit is only as  valuable as the integrity of the dominant. People who don’t respect the physical and mental health of  their partners will blow through a hard limit like a yellow light at an intersection…until they get caught.  Believing that creating a hard limit “protects” you, is foolishly optimistic.

In this way, a “Hard Limit” is like a slavery contract – it’s communication for the purpose of  understanding, but it can’t actually be enforced. There is no real binding mechanism. There is only  the trust and honor of the partners. In the case of violations, where your partner isn’t honoring, or  respecting your wishes, the only recourse you have (in both cases) is to end the dynamic. So  “Safety” isn’t a real advantage. 

With regard to the rights of the submissive: When you consider the underlying relationship, I feel the  point is also moot. Certainly, you have the right to tell your partner what you like or don’t like. You  also have the right to warn your partner about things that, in your mind, will end your dynamic. That’s basic relationship 101…and it’s reality with or without a power dynamic. The lack of a specified  hard limit doesn’t change a person’s basic rights. I also warn that the existence of one doesn’t guarantee them either. 

Imagine a couple who’ve been married for 25 years, who do not have an open marriage. One  partner discovers that the other is having an affair. Do you think there’s a practical difference in  these two statements? 

“I told you that fidelity was a hard limit and so I’m leaving you” 

vs. 

“You violated my trust, I’m leaving you” 

There is no difference. These are root-level requirements of healthy established, founded  relationships. There is no need for the formality of the construct. 

I was asked if I would enter into a relationship with a sub who presented me with hard limits. For me,  it would depend on his intent when presenting that limit. If he said, “I just want you to know that I’ve  had a trigger on ‘XYZ’ my entire life and I want to make sure I never have to deal with it…please  don’t put me in that situation” – then I would not hesitate taking this man on as a submissive (and I would respect his concerns). 

But, if he said something along the lines of, “I will submit to you, but only if you don’t do “XYZ” – which is off limits to you.” – Then, my radar would go up and I would be far more cautious before  engaging with him. I would want to probe a little further to attempt to determine his true attitude. Is  his intent to limit me as a dominant, or does he just not know a better way of communicating this? 

Lastly, if he said, “You can do ABC, DEF, GHI, but not XYZ – or I will be gone”, then I would likely not  engage at all. It’s all about intent – and a submissive who thinks it’s his role to limit me as a  dominant, isn’t a submissive for me. 

When someone enters a power dynamic as a submissive, purporting to dedicate themselves to the  preferences and pleasure of their partner and to serve them as their submissive, and then spells out  the ways in which THEY are going to RESTRICT their partner – it dilutes the meaning of the power  agreement (to me). That doesn’t mean the submissive partner can’t communicate their preferences  and even specify their hot-stops – in fact, I want to know that and I seek that out…but the attitude of  RESTRICTION changes the intent of the agreement – to me – and I would not accept that Hard Limit. 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, boundaries, dominant, fetish, hard limits, kink, power exchange, submissive

The Evolution Of Safewords

January 30, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

Anytime I refer to when I was first learning kink, I get this terrible image in my head that I am surrounded by a group of newbies, droning on about how “back in my day,” we did this or that.  I can even hear the horrid imitation grannie voice.  But the reality is, kink has changed and evolved since I dove headfirst into it, all those years ago.

The most consistent philosophy, in my opinion, would be SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual).  Though, this too has evolved to include RACK (Risk Aware, Consensual Kink) and PRICK (Personal Risk, Informed Consensual Kink).  While each of these has the same idea that consent is paramount to kink, they are more involved and have developed to include personal risk and responsibility.

However, the most fluid idea would be that of a safeword.

Safeword: A word, phrase, or physical symbol that indicates a BDSM scene must end.

Until recently, I accepted this definition.  I believed, and taught individuals, that a safeword is used when someone in a scene reaches their limits.  While I do believe that a safeword can be used in a relationship, just as much as a scene, especially with mental health issues, I accepted that it primarily referred to end a BDSM scene.

But I am having a crisis of definition.

Let me start at the beginning.  We are going to take a moment and explore that horrid “back in my day” story.

When I first delved into the community, I was taught that a safeword was a single word.  It was a word that was given to me by a D-type (blasphemy, I know) and it was to only be used if I was in physical danger.  

Back then, no one talked about mental issues.  No one discussed sub drop.  No one discussed that having a scene in a bad headspace could fuck you up.  No one talked about it.  The community I learned from, demanded that submissives were seen and not heard.  Their entire purpose was to always be available to their Dom.  The needs and wants of a submissive were unimportant.  A submissive had no say in how they were played with nor who they played with.  I was taught that safewords were only needed until you were trained, because “real” submissives did not need safewords.  “Real” submissives did not need a safeword because that was tantamount to Topping from the bottom.  It meant that the submissive did not trust their Dominant.  It meant that you were weak willed and weak minded.  Above all, it was discussed as a disappointment when a submissive needed to save out.  For the most part, scenes stopped when one was uttered, but the silent oppression in the aftermath made that an extremely uncomfortable experience.

And in all my time in the community, I never quite realized how many red flags are in that story until I wrote it out for you to read.  It was simply accepted as the way of things.  I honestly did not think about it too much.

Maybe that is why I am so adamant about consent and communication now.  Because I see myself in all the newbies and I want them to know they have a choice.  A chance to be heard.  A chance to have a voice.

What was once the definition of a submissive, is now the epitome of a slave.  Where once you would be passed around, with simple acceptance, now requires consent and negotiation.  We discuss these concepts like they have always been part of the community.  Maybe, somewhere, they have.  But I was not lucky enough to be surrounded by that type of support.

The first Dominant, who was interested in me, was 32 years my senior.  He had been involved in kink, privately, for a couple of decades.  He knew what he liked and from the first time we talked, he groomed me.  There was no negotiation.  And I believed that was normal.  He groomed me, at 18, and he required Honorifics.  Naive as I was, his interest in me sparked me to break my own rule and refer to him as Sir.  I had extremely low self-esteem and his attention was addicting.  Until, one weekend, he texted me to let me know he would be out of cell range for a couple of days and he would text when he got home.  Fourteen years later, I still have not received that call.

The second Dominant who was interested, was a Mistress twice my age, who wanted me to move to her and become a house girl.  I would not be allowed to contact my family (whom I was close with), would be required to be rail thin, and would not be allowed to pursue my college degree.  My wants, and needs, had no consideration. She too required honorifics from the very beginning, and she too ghosted me when I refused to comply.

I want to specify that I was not disrespectful.  I just wanted to be treated like a human being.

After those experiences, I became very reserved.  I was surrounded by submissives, and through a matter of circumstance, I fought my nature and became a switch.  Once I took control, I refused to ever let it go again.  Being groomed and ghosted and having no sense of self, left me with a bitter taste of BDSM.  I let it become relegated to a bedroom only activity.  I lost the beauty and drive of my submission.

And it culminated in the best and worst thing I ever said to Master (before I was even under consideration): “I bow to no Man.  Do your worst.” But that’s a story in another article.


I wanted to give you background on where my definition of a safeword started.  Had either of those individuals become my Dominant, I would not be talking to you about safewords at all.  Because, back then, safewords were a handicap.  They were a disappointment.  They were the sign of a submissive’s failure.


Over time, my definition changed.  When I met Master, he introduced me to the Stoplight system.  Green for Go (although I find that part redundant), Yellow for Check-In, and Red for Stop Immediately.  Not only was it more universally recognized in public dungeons, but it was also a good system for him and me to find our happy mediums. 

I rarely use any of the safewords.  Yellow is reserved for health issues.  For example, if the cane misses my ass and hits my thigh.  I will say, “Yellow, that got my hip.”  It does not stop our play.  We do not stop to check in.  He readjusts his swing, and we continue.  He trusts that I will tell him if we need to stop.

Red has never been used.  I struggle deeply with even contemplating the use of it.  The indoctrination (and most likely because I started as a teenager) makes it hard to hold to my limits.  Master has commented more than once that when I say red (because it will happen eventually), He is figuring it will require medical intervention.  

We play hard and rough and my body can take quite a beating.  If I am saying red, something will be very wrong.

I tried to explain it to Master at one point.  When something happens in a scene that I am unsure of, my head starts arguing.  Its several voices talking over each other.  One argues to safeword.  One argues that I can take more.  One says to push my limits.  One says to back off.  One sobs with my pain and one laughs at my suffering.  It goes back and forth between being at my limit and wanting to push more.  By the time I settle on a decision, I have already endured more than I thought I could. Then it starts over.

It is only in sub space that I escape the chaos in my head.  I become catatonic.  I can function and follow orders, but I lose the ability to safeword.  I stop recognizing my own name.  I lose the ability to speak and understand English. I am gone.  

Due to my struggles to safeword, and my tendency to become catatonic, Master has learned to read my body first and listen to my answers second.  Over time, He has come to trust that I am not lying to him when I say that I am fine or that we can continue whatever we are doing.  In my head, I am ready to serve and accept what he offers me.  In my head, I can take anything he can dream up.  In my head, I am still that teenager who was taught that safewording means I am a failure.


I have encountered many viewpoints on the use of a safeword.  There are the individuals who play without them.  People like those who taught me.  There are those who use a single safeword and only apply it to BDSM scenes.  You have those who use a single safeword but apply it to all aspects of the relationship.  You have those who use a color system (like the stoplight system) that are more universal in the lifestyle.

Throughout the years, the consensus has moved from submissives being property to submissives being an autonomous individual with rights.  There is much more emphasis on consent and negotiation than there was years ago.  We, as a community, make sure that submissives know that they are valued and should get to know a potential D-type as a person first and dynamic second.  

I will never speak against those who prefer to play without a safeword.  Just as I will never speak against those who prefer to be property.  I am one of those submissives who handed all decisions over to Master.  I do not negotiate, He has blanket consent, and I hold out on my safeword far further than most.  I am his to do with as he pleases.  I am there for his pleasure and in service to him.  That is how I view my submission.  Whether by choice or conditioning, I will probably always struggle with using my safeword.  I will always struggle with the feelings of failure and disappointment, even though I know Master would never feel either of those feelings if I use it.  

The culture surrounding the use of safewords has come an exceptionally long way.  But I am positive that it still has a long way to go.


*On a side note, the color system has grown exponentially over the years.   What started as a three color system has become almost comical in the alternative colors available for use.

Green – Go

Yellow/Orange/Tan/Amber- Slow down

Red- Stop your current activity/ End scene

Black- End everything immediately

Blue- I need water/I need comfort


My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tagged With: bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, bottom, boundaries, consent, dominant, hard limits, limits, negotiation, power dynamic, power exchange, safeword, soft limits, submissive, Top

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