boundaries

“You don’t like to cuddle?! You’re a HORRIBLE Person!”

April 2, 2021 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

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Seems like such a mundane thing to have as a hard limit, doesn’t it? Cuddling after sex or play.

I get this attitude every time the topic of aftercare comes up. Doesn’t matter if I’m the bottom. Doesn’t matter if I’m the top. Doesn’t matter if I’m the dom. Doesn’t matter if I’m the sub.

They ALWAYS mean cuddling. I mean ALWAYS. It’s never about food and drink. Never about tending wounds. It’s always about being trapped against another human being long after my need for close contact is concluded.

When I say I don’t cuddle, people automatically assume I must be some callous, mean-spirited, abusive ghoul. They personally have to have the cuddles, so anyone who won’t do that (even though we’re never going to meet, let alone play) is the worst villain in the world. End of story.

Here’s the thing…there is a story behind it, if only they’d see past their own personal snit to listen.

Not once has anyone ever asked me why I don’t like to cuddle. I’m a very horrible terrible person and that’s the end of it. There are no valid reasons as far as they are concerned.

But, yeah, there are reasons. Very serious, horrific reasons. In order to comprehend how pervasive it is, take this moment to set aside any indignation over the very thought that someone doesn’t like to cuddle with other adult human beings. (Cats and dogs are fine. I’d love a bunny, too. Or a ferret. Hell, even a cuddly snake would be great.)

My reason starts with the molestation I endured for years as a child. Being trapped on the bed, unable to escape him or that nightmare. Not allowed to leave the bed until he’d done what he was going to do to me that day and let me go. There was no fighting him. He was much bigger than I was at the start. He just picked me up and carried me into his room. The cousin trusted to babysit me and his younger brother while his mother and sisters went to the grocery store, which always took two or more hours. It ended when my mother and I moved closer to my school and I no longer had to go to my aunt’s house every day Monday through Friday.

Flash forward to my first husband, who I was with from 1987 to 2000. He would demand that I remain in the bed with him after sex. “Cuddle with me!” he would say in this pleading, childish whine. It may have been cute at first. After years of it, I hated that phrase. At the time, I could not vocalize my dislike. I just didn’t much like to cuddle.

I was literally trapped in his arms, forced to remain regardless how I felt about it. He was good at back-handed guilt trips and getting angry if I tried to stand up for myself and not do something he was badgering me into. There was no winning. Even if I won and didn’t have to cuddle, I lost because he would be angry for hours.

I had to endure it until he started snoring. Close, hot space, sweaty bodies (gross), being breathed on when my skin was already insufferably over-sensitive.

I hated every second of it. I still do. If a guy flogs and fucks me well enough that I want to cuddle, he needs to mark his belt, put a notch on the bedpost, and make a note in the calendar to celebrate the anniversary next year.

Once he started snoring, I could extricate myself from the bear trap and get some space. I could be alone for the rest of the night if he stayed asleep.

Would it have been different if I’d never suffered through four years of sexual abuse? I don’t know. I can never know, so I don’t dwell on it. This is who I am and people have to take me as I am. They cannot change me to suit themselves, and that wouldn’t be fair of them anyway.

Not wanting to be trapped in a place I no longer want to be doesn’t make me a horrible person.

“Gosh, maybe you should go to therapy and fix that!” I can hear someone saying.

Why? To appease people I’m not in a relationship with? So no one has to suffer the thought that someone else isn’t like they are? No amount of therapy in the world is going to change the fact that I don’t like to be touched after sex and/or play, or that I want to be left alone when we’re done. I don’t need that type of pseudo-connection and manufactured closeness in order to be content.

Another mundane thing that is a hard limit with me is performing fellatio, and for the same initial reason: Molestation I endured as a child.

Over the years, it’s become harder and harder to do. I’m at the point where I cannot bring myself to put my mouth on the genitals. I have zero desire to do so. Rather the opposite. I have complete aversion to the very thought.

I’m really good at fellatio. I used to be able to do it for quite a long time with my first husband, until my jaw ached and I could barely move it. With the second husband, it slowly became impossible. We talked about it many times. He understood. He didn’t tell me to do it very often. He understood when I couldn’t do it for more than a few minutes. He knew it was a thing he was not qualified to fix.

“Gosh, maybe you should get some therapy to fix that!” I can hear someone saying.

Yes, the horror of a woman refusing to suck dick. It must be fixed! All those poor men whose dicks she’s not sucking! THINK OF THE POOR DICKS!

I don’t feel a need to go to therapy just so I can tolerate a sexual act I get no pleasure in performing. It’s not a crime against nature that I don’t want to do it. It’s my choice. Consent and all. I do not consent to giving head, and I’m okay never giving head ever again in my life.

That doesn’t make me a horrific monster either. I’ll still fuck a dude right off the bed.

While I won’t perform oral, I do give an intense round of fucking. I consider that a good trade off, especially when they wear themselves out and can’t satisfy my need for orgasms. See, that’s another lingering effect of having been molested for years. I LOVE to fuck. I’m all about the penetration. Hard fucking, long fucking, bodies pounding together so hard that people on the other beds stop to watch and applaud when I’m finally done and the people next door light up a smoke.

I’d call that a good alternative.

So, Dear Reader…When someone says a seemingly mundane, everyday common thing is a hard limit, rather than drawing a judgment against that person maybe you should ask if they will share the why of it. Maybe take a moment to realize that there might be a deeply personal and private pain behind that hard limit. Understand the why and accept the person for who they are. Realize it’s not the end of the world if you don’t get that thing, and take what they offer as an alternative.

Their limit isn’t about you.

It’s about them.

——-

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She has over 30 years of experience in d/s relationships. She is also an award-winning author who has written three “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty seven fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

WordPress – https://dametylerrose.wordpress.com/

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler

Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/tylerroseauthor/

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Kink Safety: Zoom & Telegram Precautions

March 26, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

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Even as some states are lifting lockdown restrictions, there are some digital aspects of the pandemic I hope stick around. Telegram has been an awesome way to connect my local community, and this time has spawned a web of chat rooms with a variety of subject focuses, as well as chats for various local groups to just talk about their day or discuss random kink topics. Additionally, while there is no substitute for trying things in person, I have attended some truly excellent kink educational events via Zoom over the past year. For classes ranging from consent and negotiations to first aid for BDSM, all the way to a class on face needles, the Zoom camera gave me access to a much better view of some of the up-close details I wasn’t often able to see when attending class in a dungeon. Additionally, it has meant I could attend classes held in other communities with the click of a button, despite being hundreds of miles away.

Unfortunately, these new accounts and technological connections also give additional opportunities for kinksters to slip up and disclose more personal information than intended. My goal is to help walk y’all through some small privacy precautions that will hopefully keep you from flashing full names to the kink world at large.

I often see newcomers join Telegram making a couple of key mistakes. The first is using their name rather than choosing a screen name. The “name” option is your display name, not the @tag people will use to search you. If you plan to use it for vanilla purposes, you can choose something innocuous. If not, I suggest disabling search functions so contacts in your phone who are already users of Telegram or who join later won’t run across your kinky self chatting up a storm.

So here’s how. Under settings, go to the “privacy and security” tab. Under phone number, check “Nobody” can see you and only people you add to Telegram as contacts can search you that way. Under the main tab, turn off the function to sync contacts from your phone, as well as the one to suggest frequent contacts. I also advise selecting the option to delete already synced contacts if it has done this without you realizing it. For phones, you can edit your display name by clicking the three dots on an Android phone. Choose a display name that isn’t your vanilla first and last name. As an additional suggestion, consider listing your preferred pronouns.

For Zoom, prior to joining a meeting, make sure any identifying information you don’t want to share is edited first. To change your display name from your full legal name, go to the “My Account” tab. Click on “edit” and change your name. IMPORTANT: Don’t forget to change it back. My family knows what I do for a living and wouldn’t blink an eye if I joined a chat as Christmas bunny, but if my fet name were 69slutpuddle69, I suspect my family might have something to say. My employer might have even more to say.

Alternatively, have a separate kink email address and Zoom account that you log into for kink events. Again, don’t forget to log out, or just make sure not to click the check box asking if you want to stay logged in. It requires thought and consideration to protect yourself digitally. While mistakes can happen, it is important to be deliberate and careful if you want to avoid accidentally outing yourself.

When I host Zoom events for kinksters, I always watch the waiting room tab so that if someone forgets, I can edit their name for them to an innocuous first initial. You can usually edit your own name during a Zoom meeting my clicking on the three options dots on the right hand corner of your own video screen, or through the participants window when it is pulled up.

Unfortunately, not everyone who hosts a meeting will have experience doing so, and the delay in response time means more minutes passing with your full name exposed to people you didn’t intend to share that with.

Please, please, please take the time to learn how to be safer online, whether or not these digital mediums continue to flourish in the future.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

This week in kink news: March 29, 2021

March 26, 2021 By Dexx 2 Comments

India gets its first legal sex shop!

Click below to learn more from Outlook!

Pastry chef turned Dominatrix?

Click below to find out more of her story with Daily Star!

It’s so imperative that people know the difference between BDSM and abuse. The two are quite different.

BDSM always involves consent. Abuse involves unwanted, non-consensual behavior.

Click below to read more from The Conversation!

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Hard Limits And D/s Dynamics

March 7, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

From time to time, I make a comment that stirs up a bit of controversy. This week, the heresy was that I made the statement that I see no reasons for “Hard Limits” in established, founded, D/s relationships. I took a bit of flack regarding safety, communications, rights, etc.

So, before we get into my rationale, let’s quickly define a “Hard Limit”: A pre-negotiated activity, situation, or issue that participants considered to be prohibited.

It’s important to note, that my statement was made with respect to established and founded D/s Relationships. That is: Those with established, healthy underlying relationships (see my other articles regarding the “Layers” and what an “underlying relationship entails”) and relationships with developed, understood power dynamics.

I do see value in Hard Limits in other circumstances. For example, in a dynamic that’s built on a new relationship – or one that’s otherwise relatively early in its BDSM development – Situations where the dominant and submissive do not know each other well. In those cases, having the communication required to establish a set of hard limits is extremely valuable and likely even necessary for safety.

As my relationships are all firmly established and founded, I find the notion of limits to be restrictive for the dominant and indicative of a problem with the intent of the submissive. This is the fundamental assertion that raised the dander of many of the conversation’s participants.

My argument harkens back to the discussion of “Layers”; specifically, that different relationship attributes source their intent from the underlying relationship and others source from the power dynamic that is layered on top of that relationship. The requirements for a successful relationship (with or without a power dynamic) are things like: Caring, Respect, Honesty, Open Communications, Trust, Mutual Fulfillment of Needs, Companionship, etc.

It is my contention that, in D/s relationships that have established underlying relationships, the types of things that are “protected” within a “Limit” are naturally handled, without the need for a formalized structure. If you care about the physical and mental health of your partner, you’re not going to do things that harm them. You aren’t going to violate their trust. Therefore, the establishment of a formal “Hard Limit” is redundant. Worse than just being unnecessary, the restrictive nature of the INTENT of establishing a formal hard limit, indicates that the submissive does not trust the dominant to care for them – and feels that a contractual construct to explicitly prohibit them is necessary. I feel that this dilutes the commitment that is being made to that dominant.

The arguments that came back (and that maybe you’re thinking right now) related to the “Safety” of the submissive: That the dominant is obligated to avoid the limited activity which protects the submissive. They also fired off on “the rights of a submissive to control what is done to their bodies”.

To the first concern, I pointed out that there is nothing legal about a hard limit. A hard limit is only as valuable as the integrity of the dominant. People who don’t respect the physical and mental health of their partners will blow through a hard limit like a yellow light at an intersection…until they get caught. Believing that creating a hard limit “protects” you, is foolishly optimistic.

In this way, a “Hard Limit” is like a slavery contract – it’s communication for the purpose of understanding, but it can’t actually be enforced. There is no real binding mechanism. There is only the trust and honor of the partners. In the case of violations, where your partner isn’t honoring, or respecting your wishes, the only recourse you have (in both cases) is to end the dynamic. So “Safety” isn’t a real advantage.

With regard to the rights of the submissive: When you consider the underlying relationship, I feel the point is also moot. Certainly, you have the right to tell your partner what you like or don’t like. You also have the right to warn your partner about things that, in your mind, will end your dynamic. That’s basic relationship 101…and it’s reality with or without a power dynamic. The lack of a specified hard limit doesn’t change a person’s basic rights. I also warn that the existence of one doesn’t guarantee them either.

Imagine a couple who’ve been married for 25 years, who do not have an open marriage. One partner discovers that the other is having an affair. Do you think there’s a practical difference in these two statements?

“I told you that fidelity was a hard limit and so I’m leaving you”

vs.

“You violated my trust, I’m leaving you”

There is no difference. These are root-level requirements of healthy established, founded relationships. There is no need for the formality of the construct.

I was asked if I would enter into a relationship with a sub who presented me with hard limits. For me, it would depend on his intent when presenting that limit. If he said, “I just want you to know that I’ve had a trigger on ‘XYZ’ my entire life and I want to make sure I never have to deal with it…please don’t put me in that situation” – then I would not hesitate taking this man on as a submissive (and I would respect his concerns).

But, if he said something along the lines of, “I will submit to you, but only if you don’t do “XYZ” – which is off limits to you.” – Then, my radar would go up and I would be far more cautious before engaging with him. I would want to probe a little further to attempt to determine his true attitude. Is his intent to limit me as a dominant, or does he just not know a better way of communicating this?

Lastly, if he said, “You can do ABC, DEF, GHI, but not XYZ – or I will be gone”, then I would likely not engage at all. It’s all about intent – and a submissive who thinks it’s his role to limit me as a dominant, isn’t a submissive for me.

When someone enters a power dynamic as a submissive, purporting to dedicate themselves to the preferences and pleasure of their partner and to serve them as their submissive, and then spells out the ways in which THEY are going to RESTRICT their partner – it dilutes the meaning of the power agreement (to me). That doesn’t mean the submissive partner can’t communicate their preferences and even specify their hot-stops – in fact, I want to know that and I seek that out…but the attitude of RESTRICTION changes the intent of the agreement – to me – and I would not accept that Hard Limit.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

The Evolution Of Safewords

January 30, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

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Anytime I refer to when I was first learning kink, I get this terrible image in my head that I am surrounded by a group of newbies, droning on about how “back in my day,” we did this or that. I can even hear the horrid imitation grannie voice. But the reality is, kink has changed and evolved since I dove headfirst into it, all those years ago.

The most consistent philosophy, in my opinion, would be SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual). Though, this too has evolved to include RACK (Risk Aware, Consensual Kink) and PRICK (Personal Risk, Informed Consensual Kink). While each of these has the same idea that consent is paramount to kink, they are more involved and have developed to include personal risk and responsibility.

However, the most fluid idea would be that of a safeword.

Safeword: A word, phrase, or physical symbol that indicates a BDSM scene must end.

Until recently, I accepted this definition. I believed, and taught individuals, that a safeword is used when someone in a scene reaches their limits. While I do believe that a safeword can be used in a relationship, just as much as a scene, especially with mental health issues, I accepted that it primarily referred to end a BDSM scene.

But I am having a crisis of definition.

Let me start at the beginning. We are going to take a moment and explore that horrid “back in my day” story.

When I first delved into the community, I was taught that a safeword was a single word. It was a word that was given to me by a D-type (blasphemy, I know) and it was to only be used if I was in physical danger.

Back then, no one talked about mental issues. No one discussed sub drop. No one discussed that having a scene in a bad headspace could fuck you up. No one talked about it. The community I learned from, demanded that submissives were seen and not heard. Their entire purpose was to always be available to their Dom. The needs and wants of a submissive were unimportant. A submissive had no say in how they were played with nor who they played with. I was taught that safewords were only needed until you were trained, because “real” submissives did not need safewords. “Real” submissives did not need a safeword because that was tantamount to Topping from the bottom. It meant that the submissive did not trust their Dominant. It meant that you were weak willed and weak minded. Above all, it was discussed as a disappointment when a submissive needed to save out. For the most part, scenes stopped when one was uttered, but the silent oppression in the aftermath made that an extremely uncomfortable experience.

And in all my time in the community, I never quite realized how many red flags are in that story until I wrote it out for you to read. It was simply accepted as the way of things. I honestly did not think about it too much.

Maybe that is why I am so adamant about consent and communication now. Because I see myself in all the newbies and I want them to know they have a choice. A chance to be heard. A chance to have a voice.

What was once the definition of a submissive, is now the epitome of a slave. Where once you would be passed around, with simple acceptance, now requires consent and negotiation. We discuss these concepts like they have always been part of the community. Maybe, somewhere, they have. But I was not lucky enough to be surrounded by that type of support.

The first Dominant, who was interested in me, was 32 years my senior. He had been involved in kink, privately, for a couple of decades. He knew what he liked and from the first time we talked, he groomed me. There was no negotiation. And I believed that was normal. He groomed me, at 18, and he required Honorifics. Naive as I was, his interest in me sparked me to break my own rule and refer to him as Sir. I had extremely low self-esteem and his attention was addicting. Until, one weekend, he texted me to let me know he would be out of cell range for a couple of days and he would text when he got home. Fourteen years later, I still have not received that call.

The second Dominant who was interested, was a Mistress twice my age, who wanted me to move to her and become a house girl. I would not be allowed to contact my family (whom I was close with), would be required to be rail thin, and would not be allowed to pursue my college degree. My wants, and needs, had no consideration. She too required honorifics from the very beginning, and she too ghosted me when I refused to comply.

I want to specify that I was not disrespectful. I just wanted to be treated like a human being.

After those experiences, I became very reserved. I was surrounded by submissives, and through a matter of circumstance, I fought my nature and became a switch. Once I took control, I refused to ever let it go again. Being groomed and ghosted and having no sense of self, left me with a bitter taste of BDSM. I let it become relegated to a bedroom only activity. I lost the beauty and drive of my submission.

And it culminated in the best and worst thing I ever said to Master (before I was even under consideration): “I bow to no Man. Do your worst.” But that’s a story in another article.

I wanted to give you background on where my definition of a safeword started. Had either of those individuals become my Dominant, I would not be talking to you about safewords at all. Because, back then, safewords were a handicap. They were a disappointment. They were the sign of a submissive’s failure.

Over time, my definition changed. When I met Master, he introduced me to the Stoplight system. Green for Go (although I find that part redundant), Yellow for Check-In, and Red for Stop Immediately. Not only was it more universally recognized in public dungeons, but it was also a good system for him and me to find our happy mediums.

I rarely use any of the safewords. Yellow is reserved for health issues. For example, if the cane misses my ass and hits my thigh. I will say, “Yellow, that got my hip.” It does not stop our play. We do not stop to check in. He readjusts his swing, and we continue. He trusts that I will tell him if we need to stop.

Red has never been used. I struggle deeply with even contemplating the use of it. The indoctrination (and most likely because I started as a teenager) makes it hard to hold to my limits. Master has commented more than once that when I say red (because it will happen eventually), He is figuring it will require medical intervention.

We play hard and rough and my body can take quite a beating. If I am saying red, something will be very wrong.

I tried to explain it to Master at one point. When something happens in a scene that I am unsure of, my head starts arguing. Its several voices talking over each other. One argues to safeword. One argues that I can take more. One says to push my limits. One says to back off. One sobs with my pain and one laughs at my suffering. It goes back and forth between being at my limit and wanting to push more. By the time I settle on a decision, I have already endured more than I thought I could. Then it starts over.

It is only in sub space that I escape the chaos in my head. I become catatonic. I can function and follow orders, but I lose the ability to safeword. I stop recognizing my own name. I lose the ability to speak and understand English. I am gone.

Due to my struggles to safeword, and my tendency to become catatonic, Master has learned to read my body first and listen to my answers second. Over time, He has come to trust that I am not lying to him when I say that I am fine or that we can continue whatever we are doing. In my head, I am ready to serve and accept what he offers me. In my head, I can take anything he can dream up. In my head, I am still that teenager who was taught that safewording means I am a failure.

I have encountered many viewpoints on the use of a safeword. There are the individuals who play without them. People like those who taught me. There are those who use a single safeword and only apply it to BDSM scenes. You have those who use a single safeword but apply it to all aspects of the relationship. You have those who use a color system (like the stoplight system) that are more universal in the lifestyle.

Throughout the years, the consensus has moved from submissives being property to submissives being an autonomous individual with rights. There is much more emphasis on consent and negotiation than there was years ago. We, as a community, make sure that submissives know that they are valued and should get to know a potential D-type as a person first and dynamic second.

I will never speak against those who prefer to play without a safeword. Just as I will never speak against those who prefer to be property. I am one of those submissives who handed all decisions over to Master. I do not negotiate, He has blanket consent, and I hold out on my safeword far further than most. I am his to do with as he pleases. I am there for his pleasure and in service to him. That is how I view my submission. Whether by choice or conditioning, I will probably always struggle with using my safeword. I will always struggle with the feelings of failure and disappointment, even though I know Master would never feel either of those feelings if I use it.

The culture surrounding the use of safewords has come an exceptionally long way. But I am positive that it still has a long way to go.

*On a side note, the color system has grown exponentially over the years. What started as a three color system has become almost comical in the alternative colors available for use.

Green – Go

Yellow/Orange/Tan/Amber- Slow down

Red- Stop your current activity/ End scene

Black- End everything immediately

Blue- I need water/I need comfort

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Spicing Up Poly Relationships

December 19, 2020 By Jennifer McKinnon 2 Comments

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It takes two to tango, but with the proper consent and just the right amount of kink, polyamorous relationships may just be one of the best ways to enjoy satisfying sex.

Want to take it to another level? Want a different way to enjoy this type of sexual setup? Here are some hot suggestions to try out!

Role Plays

It all begins in the mind when it comes to sexual satisfaction. And when it comes to multiple partners, communication and chemistry are both equally important in getting that thrill.

Which is why role playing may just be the thing to level up this kink. Fancy being a dom? Talk with your partners on possibly living out this fantasy. Want to play out a particular scene that’s been bugging you ever since? Talk it out with your partners! Have you ever wanted to be someone (or something) when spending time with your partners? Maybe it’s time to plan and make these dreams into reality.

Role playing, when planned and done properly, can bring in a different kind of thrill even before the actual deed. Think of this as a mental form of foreplay—it’s a different approach to having some sexy time with your partners.

Bottom line is, proper and constant communication (which will always be an important trait in polyamorous relationships) is essential to fun and successful role plays. You want not only consent with your partners. Planning the setting (even your individual characters’ personalities) can even be a satisfying act that will make you and your partners look forward to the role play.

Costume Fun

Role plays can be enjoyed in a much more satisfying manner with the use of costumes. The clothes make the man (or woman), and taking off these articles of clothing is just part of some sexy-time fun.

Costumes are essential to getting into a particular character’s or role’s head. This rings true especially if your personality is the total opposite of the role you’re pursuing. Articles of clothing will help you get into the right mindset.

Additionally, certain costumes can be incorporated straight right into the sexual act. Do you dream of being a sub? Perhaps having some leather and straps built into your costume can prove your obedience to your masters.

Do you want to totally play the part of dominating your partners? Perhaps a cock sheath can give you the length, girth, and confidence for a whole new sexual experience. Women may also want to experiment with strap-ons, if the scene calls for a twist or two.

In a way, costumes are more than just clothing to play a certain character. Costumes build up toward a certain sexual goal. These clothes may just be another form of an interesting type of foreplay.

BDSM

Unleash sexual satisfaction among your partners through BDSM. Essentially a higher level of role-playing and costume play, BDSM introduces several forms of erotic enjoyment that you and your partners may seek their kinks from, such as collar play and spanking (there are, actually, a whole lot more).

What makes BDSM acts a higher level of sexual bliss is, ironically, the fact that some plays do not even involve any penetration at all. It’s all about the power play that makes these plays such an orgasmic activity—again, everything begins in the mind when it comes to sexual satisfaction.

An example is suspension bondage. Having your partner (or yourself) strapped and blatantly displayed in their glory requires a high level of trust and consent. The top takes pleasure in tying up partners; subs enjoy being willing toys for their masters to play with.

These displays of power offer an interesting take when it comes to multiple partners, which we’ll expound on below.

Experiment with Group Play

As we’ve mentioned earlier, trust, communication, and consent are important in making polyamorous relationships work. The first three suggestions on spicing up these types of relationships all revolve around open communication.

Now, take everything together, and talk to your partners about doing something fun together. Doing a scene together with multiple partners may be so satisfying, just as long proper consent and rules are set beforehand.

Additionally, this approach may require some experimentation. Going with the group dynamics, would you and your partners be open to LGBTQIA+ setups? How far are you and your partners willing to go with these scenes? Are there any limitations that any one of you would like to discuss?

And this is just why it would be best to sit down and talk with all your partners. You’ll want everyone to know what you want out of these fantasies. You’ll want to be as transparent as possible when it comes to getting really good sex. You want everyone not only to be satisfied but also to be both comfortable and safe with these activities.

Best of all, you’ll want to find out what they think of these kinks you have. Who knows, they may even have better suggestions in mind. The thing is, what you’re after is not only everyone’s consent. Everyone enjoys something if everyone can be true to one another. Now, that is the key to wonderful and hot polyamorous relationships.

Talk It Out

The most important aspect of getting the best sexual kinks from polyamorous relationships is to openly communicate your desires. You won’t get something for nothing. Your fantasies will remain your dreams if you won’t act on them.

Like consent and trust, respect plays an important part when discussing sexual matters with your partners. Your kinks may not be of interest to some, and that is okay. Learn how to listen, and realize that others may have other kinks they want to live out.

When you learn to open up, listen with grace when your partners open up about their interests; you may just find yourself willing to try new things. And isn’t that an exciting way to enjoy sex? Take some time to talk things over with your partners—that just maybe one of the best things you’ll do in your life.

In her 30s and married, Jennifer McKinnon writes mainly on sexual health for the Enhanced Male and other websites. Jennifer’s goal is to promote better sexual awareness by being self-aware and practicing responsible sex.

Conversations Around Mental Health

November 22, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 3 Comments

These times, am I right? If you’d asked me five years ago, I couldn’t have imagined the person I am today, let alone that this is what my daily life would look like. That’s a difficult thing for just about anyone, let alone overplanners like me.

I’ve always been someone who is pretty even-tempered. Most of my friends have never seen me angry, and I’m often the cheerful one. My partner and I don’t have many areas where friction is likely to occur, and on the off chance that some does, we have systems in our D/s that are designed to handle them.

It’s a good life.

I set this up not to brag, but to make it clear that my struggles with mental health issues since March have been unexpected and completely new territory for us as partners, and for us in the larger framework of our poly sphere. This isn’t to say that I haven’t had issues in my life which needed addressing, but anxiety, depression and other spectres which can be treated chemically were virtual unknowns.

The pandemic has been a learning experience for me, for us, in so many ways. I have the ability to work remotely. It limits my income and my hours, but I made that transition mid-March, shortly after spring break, when my partner also made the transition. We went from seeing one another a few hours every day to sharing office space every single day. That feels as though it requires emphasis. Every. Single. Day.

I’ve read articles that say part of our (as a society) difficulties in relationships are partly because of high stress levels which make people more agitated and partly because when we never leave one another, we can’t miss each other. We don’t have those times to reminisce about the good qualities our partners have, just the constant annoyances.

I’ve been lucky in that area. My nesting partner has few qualities I find obnoxious, so my main struggles have been with fear. I fear the unknown, I fear him contracting the virus and dying, I fear death, and I am afraid of what tomorrow will look like.

In the beginning, that made getting out of bed difficult. I found myself trying to sleep more, or burying my head in a mindless phone game to avoid having to think too much, since thinking always led back to the inevitable unknown. It was a pretty vicious cycle. I devoured news articles since for me, knowlege tends to help me feel more in-control. My partner saw that I was not okay. He began limiting my news intake by making me take time off from those things, hoping to help me find a more even keel. I was having small anxiety attacks when I grocery shopped, so he began finding delivery options that limited my interactions outside of the house. His other partner was isolating for weeks before coming to see him to make sure she wasn’t bringing deadly germs into the house. iMy anxiety levels were off the charts and I had no idea what to do. He saw that I was less productive, but it can be difficult enough to admit to ourselves when we’re not fine, let alone finding the words to admit it to someone else.

It wasn’t until the dam broke that I reached out for help. I had made it through a month and a half of the stormy seas of heightened anxiety when we learned that my daughter would have to return to work in a job which required her to come into physical contact with other people. I started crying and I couldn’t stop, and finally called my general practitioner seeking some kind of medicinal intervention. He prescribed a stopgap, and I finally had to sit down with my partner and try to put my feelings into words.

We moved out that weekend, into a living situation which better lent itself to isolating. We collected the vulnerable members of our family and shored up against outsiders. We left my daughter in our house, and I only had to take the anxiety meds when I left the house to collect groceries. We waited for any word that masks were effective, finally running across a test case of live exposure with the potential for superspread, only to have it bumped from the news. We searched for weeks for more information, relieved beyond measure when it came. It was finally safe to return home.

Going home didn’t mean my anxiety was gone. It meant my partner had to keep an eye on me for signs that I might need to medicate. I explored other possibilities, such as counseling, but talking about my anxieties only served to exacerbate them.

My partner began scheduling time for us in a friend’s pool. It was the most human interaction outside of one another that we’d had for months. We’d go swim, and it was like the stress and anxiety melted away, giving us back our humanity for just a little while. It was like lancing a wound – the poison seeped out. It wasn’t healed, but it improved dramatically.

We’ve had to find ways to steal pieces of “normal.” We’ve found that being able to do so safely has been hugely important to my mental health. As it got cold enough that the pool was less attractive, we moved to the occasional indoor game night with those friends, who were also isolating. We added two other friends to our QuaranTeam, our Perv Pod, and we made arrangements to attend our local dungeon together. The space seemed awfully empty, but before too long, the delicious sounds of four bottoms screeching at non-regular intervals and the cracks of whips and sounds of other impact filled the space in ways our physical presence could not.

Our vacation was cancelled, unsurprisingly. So we made plans with that same group to rent a house on the water down south, drove in a caravan, stopped for groceries, and spent a few days taking turns with cooking, playing board games, and fishing off of the back deck of the house. We are finding ways to regain our joy.

I still have to take my anxiety meds. My Dominant makes sure to keep track of how often I need them, and if it starts becoming more frequent, to check on my mental state more regularly. He’s relaxed some rules for the duration of this – I’m allowed more stuffies in the bed as long as the pile stays on my side, and he let me get a new wardrobe of super fluffy pajama pants to work in.

I still don’t know what tomorrow will look like. I try not to think too hard about that. We’re tentatively planning Thanksgiving with our Germ Pod. Even though I cried when I realized the rest of my family wouldn’t be able to join us, it’s better than it could be, and better than it was back in early June.

I know it can be hard to admit it, but it is so important to ccommunicate mental health challenges to partners. There are so many resources out there, help is available. It just takes sliding one foot forward for that very first step. ‘

Topping Your Dominant

November 22, 2020 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

Now and then, someone arrives in my inbox with a conundrum. Their dominant has, out of the blue, asked them to do the topping.

If one is always the bottom, always the submissive, suddenly being asked to do the exact opposite can be a startling prospect. I can easily imagine a deer in headlights expression as their brain freezes on that thought and cannot go forward.

“I don’t know how to hurt him”
“I don’t know that I can.”
“He is my master and I never want to see him in pain–let alone cause it.”

Dominant does not always mean being the top. I’ve said many times that the bottom can be the dominant. I am a dominant sadomasochist. Whether I’m the top or the bottom, I’m the boss.

Service topping is a thing.
Submissive top is a thing.
There’s nothing wrong with either of those things.

In this moment, we are seeing the dominant bottom/submissive top dynamic in action.

First thing’s first. “I don’t know how…” Stop right there. The simplest solution is right in front of you. ASK your dominant to teach you the implements they want you to use on them. There’s nothing to fear in learning how to swing a flogger or a paddle. You’re more likely to hit far too lightly in your initial efforts. The pillow you use for a target won’t really care. For all the “you’ll put out your eye” warnings about single tails, I don’t know anyone who actually has. It’s not that difficult to learn if you learn flogging first. If you’re an impact bottom, zinging yourself now and then is actually a bit of a bonus. Think about how your dominant uses them on you. Apply the techniques to your practice.

Ask your dom to teach you the lines they want you to say. Write out the script if you have to. Practice by yourself in front a mirror until you can say those lines easily. Actors practice their lines. The first few times you do this, you may as well consider yourself an actor. There’s no harm in practicing your script.

“I don’t know that I can” – Once you’ve learned how to handle the implements and say your lines, you’re one transition from doing it to a human being. You know you are capable in the sense of making the paddle work (on a pillow) so you take that big breath and you let the paddle swing to make contact with human flesh. Guaranteed you’ll barely bap the ass, but that’s okay. You’ve gotten past the hardest part. Actually swinging a paddle (or flogger) at a human being.

While you’re engaging in your very first topping scene, your dominant should be coaching and coaxing you along and telling you what you’re doing well and when to go harder.. You know what you can take. You know how hard your ass is hit, how hard the flogger is swung. Build up your force just like your dominant does. At the same time, you’ll build up your confidence.

You have a plethora of technique and experience at your disposal. Use it.

The thing to remember is that you are serving your dominant how they want to be served. Pain is pleasure to the sadomasochist. In pain, there is freedom. You are providing both and learning an entirely new skillset at the same time. There’s certainly nothing wrong about that.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

FB Regular page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

The BDSM Vetting Process

November 14, 2020 By Joji Sada 4 Comments

two beautiful slave girls lying in bed awaiting their master — via stock.adobe.com

When we have the potential for a new relationship, we generally experience a sensation called New Relationship Energy (NRE). This essentially blinds us to the character flaws of our partner and often makes them the center of our world, regardless of if we are monogamous or not. It also impedes our communication skills. NRE allows us to take what our partner says as fact, ignore the red flags, and skim over the vetting process.

At least, it does for those of us who still vet.

When I started in the community sixteen years ago, vetting was very much an important step to entering a dynamic. This was especially true with the growth of the internet. With the potential of thousands of possibilities, you had to wade your way through the chaos, and sort potentials into a few categories.

Category 1) Hell No.

Category 2) Not my Kink (this is basically my kink profile and your kink profile do not match)

Category 3) Maybe (meaning I need to investigate this further)

Category 4) I would like to get to know you

Obviously, people moved from one category to the next as the process continues. It makes it very hard to vet someone in my Category 4 if I am in their category 1.

So, what is vetting?

Vetting is, according to the dictionary, to “make a careful and critical examination of (something)”.

I’m going to be honest…that is a very broad term. It is also extremely vague. When I first read it, I imagined a person laid out on a table and I carefully and meticulously examined them with a magnifying glass. Then I laughed a bit at the absurdity of my thoughts.

Vetting is essentially getting to know someone and make an informed decision about whether they are honest or not.

I have always preferred to get to know someone without the kinks first. I need to know that I can enjoy your company in a vanilla setting as well as a kinky one. Even though I live 24/7, it is not an endless dream of whips and chains. It involves chores to keep the house running, work to keep a roof over our head, postponement of my needs to serve my partners, and a whole lot of cuddling. If I cannot tolerate you in that part of my life, then all the kinks/skills in the world would not change our incompatibility.

There are a few ways to start the vetting process.

First, I would look through their online persona. If you have them across platforms, see if their posts and/or their style of writings are consistent. You can evaluate how ever you like. For me, are all their posts angry or blaming people for things? Do our politics match up or do they at least seem tolerant of other viewpoints? DO they act thirsty with every man or woman they are attracted to?
Talk to previous play partners or the community. Honestly speaking, I usually skip this step. I have always been in a small kink community and that often leads to skewed answers. It is perfectly fine if you choose to not pursue person X because person Y said they were bad news. I know that for some individuals, this has been tremendously helpful.

However, I have also seen the opposite. In fact, my own dynamic with Master has fed the rumour mill. Did you know I am always in trouble? Apparently so. Those long-lasting marks could never actually be the result of pleasure (*gasp* Shocking, I know). Did you know that I am too bull-headed to be submissive? Obviously, I must be extremely unsatisfying to my Dominant.

I am, and always have been, an open book. You want to know something, ask. I have never had an issue with that. Its when people add their own spin to the story, after I have given my answer, that makes me cringe. Both of those questions came from a brat who wanted to know how to get her Dom’s attention because she felt he was ignoring her. I advised her that communication was key. She needed to sit down and talk with him. I am not a brat. I am offended at the implication of being one. It goes against all my beliefs as a submissive. But, she did not like my answer. She then proceeded to tell anyone that would listen that I was a brat, and an unhelpful one at that.

I have been accused of Topping from the bottom because I can get forceful in making sure Master takes care of himself. I have been told (by outsiders) that I am not dedicated enough because I am not home enough. Which, on a side note, just fuels my insecurities. So, thank you. I have been asked how I can “let Him do that?” We have blanket consent, including Edge play and CNC. You don’t have to like it, but I sure do.

All I am trying to say is, there are two sides to every story. People like to gossip. People like to put other people down to feel better. So, maybe what they are saying, should be taken with a grain of salt.

Do not assume anything. Listen to what the person says versus what they do. Does what they are saying match what they have put out into the public? If not, ask. If they cannot give you a satisfactory answer, trust your gut. If they make you feel negative energy, walk away. If you see/feel red flags, walk away.

Do their kinks match yours? Now, we get to the good stuff. Since you have gotten to step 4, you are probably compatible in the Vanilla world, and they do not give you the creepy crawlies, its time to find out if the things they like match yours. Discuss both of your limits, must haves, needs, wants, safewords, dynamic wants/needs, and everything in between. Be practical. Be willing to compromise or walk away. It would not be fair if one party wants a 24/7 dynamic and the other wants a long-distance, weekend getaway dynamic. They are both valid wants, but not very compatible.

Safety. If, and when, you get to the point of meeting (if you haven’t already), please do so safely. Meet in public. Make sure at least two people know when and where you are going to be, who you are with, and when you plan to check in. If I tell my safety that I will text her by 8, at 8:01 she is calling me to make sure I just didn’t lose track of time. Take your own car or have your own ride. Sometimes, situations get sticky and we just need to get away. If your date picked you up, you can feel very stuck.

In the end, vetting is necessary to finding the right partner(s). It takes a special breed to give us the communication, trust, and vulnerability needed to make this lifestyle work. The minute I consent to you binding me, I am trusting you with my mental and physical health. I am trusting you with my life.

Therefore, you are going to have to bear with me and play a few rounds of twenty questions before I let you anywhere near me.

This week in kink: November 16, 2020

November 14, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

Most things including The Porn Industry have been altered due to the Covid-19 Crisis.

This week, New Statesman gives us the skinny on the rise of OnlyFans during the pandemic and what that means on a grander level.

Click below to find out more!

Dutch News reports that all non-consensual sexual acts will now be considered rape.

In our opinion this is great news because rape and/or molestation can be so much more than violent sexual acts and/or attempts. Rape and molestation truly come down to non-consensual sexual behavior.

This is definitely a step in the right direction. Click below to find out more!

All non-consensual sex to be classed as rape in new law

For so many BDSM can help with PTSD, anxiety, OCD, etc.

This week, Huff Post brings us a story about how Kate O’Kelly used BDSM to take control of her life after her assault.

Click below to learn more about this powerful story!

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