communication

When Your Poly Feels Like A House Of Cards

October 17, 2020 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

poly triad, beautiful people — via stock.adobe.com

There is a great deal of therapy in sharing myself with you. It requires me to think carefully about myself, and often confront feelings and ideas that I have struggled with.

I have never written for the benefit of others. I write because it gives me clarity. I write because I am my own worst opponent. I write as a way to listen to myself.

But I started being honest and transparent as a benefit to others.

I have spoken openly that I spent my younger years being a mediator. In fact, looking back, the only reason I had friends was because I was beneficial to them. I would cover for their lies, soothe the feathers of those who were offended, and offer ideas free of charge. I did not start drama, nor did I perpetuate it.

I simply spent my life trying to be useful.

Why?

Because my biggest fundamental flaw is the core belief I hold. It is burned upon the walls of my mind, stamped by the hottest iron.

“I am measured by my usefulness. When I cease to be useful, then I will be thrown out like trash.”

That is one of three toxic beliefs that I own. Welcome to my logical world. I am aware of my toxic beliefs and traits. I know where my anxiety is from and why I feel and think as I do.

I just do not have the tools to change it.

Yet.

As I have written before, my Master and my wife have been cornerstones in helping me learn to cope, and how to be myself without judgement. They have taught me that it is ok to be opinionated and boisterous, to have quiet, withdrawn days, to be outgoing and friendly, or to just be alone. They have taught me that my own expectations are the most important. My dynamic with Master and my marriage to my wife develop and grow as I do.

That which grows must be cultivated.

That which you neglect, will wither.

That which withers cannot always be saved.

My house is built on a foundation of four.

We are a closed, polyquad consisting of two married couples. This means that we all have relationships with each other and none outside of our “core.”

Core- this is my word to represent the four of us.

As I have built my foundation, here is how it works.

I have a 24/7 D/s dynamic with Master. I am his collared submissive and we engage in a Power exchange relationship. This dynamic does not exist for either of us with either of our other partners.

I am married to wife B. She was my first girlfriend and we have been together for 12 years now. We have explored all sorts of dynamics and found our happiness in just going with the flow. We want to roleplay tonight? Sweet. We want to sit naked and play Xbox? Awesome. We want to go to an all you can eat sushi place and gossip? Perfect, I’ll get the car.

Wife B also has DID. So, for one of her alters, I am Diddy. She is four. I take care of her like any parent. She makes me laugh a lot. We do a lot of Xbox, coloring, and lately, puzzles. She is energetic and always excited to tell me about her day. She is my pride and joy.

I consider these two relationships very strong. I feel we compliment each other and help each other with personal growth.

But that leaves one person out, doesn’t it?

I told you I built my foundation on four people. Often, I only ever mention two plus myself. If I passed elementary math, 2+1=3.

Three is less than four.

So, where is number four?

I have been asking the same thing…for quite a long time.

Maybe, if I tell you our story, you can help me find her.

I met wife A (who is married to Master) at work. She was kind, bubbly, and had a very familial feeling to her. In fact, many called her mom at work. We were acquaintances for a few months. We talked very little of things outside of work.

Then, one day, I was sitting in our office and she is talking to me and her speech is…off. I can tell she is upset. So, I asked.

And the floodgates opened.

There, before me, was a woman sobbing because her husband was diagnosed with cancer. She had a preteen and a couple of dogs, but most of the family lives elsewhere.

So, I told her to take some time and if she needed to talk, I’d listen.

In fact, she did talk to me. She even invited me over to play cards. I was invited to the bar to meet her husband and a few friends of theirs. It was some of the first connections I made after moving out here. My family is two states away and my wife’s is all on the East Coast. It was nice to be a part of something…even if I didn’t know her husband’s name for near seven months after hanging out.

My wife started house sitting for them when He had treatments. What started as two days of staying over led to a week. Then two. Then, at one point, we barely left. I paid rent for eight months on an apartment I never went to….just to finish my lease.

Then, one night, about a year or so after I met her, the four of us had a night of drinking to celebrate His remission. Somewhere, between drink two and four, we broke all the poly rules.

Someone made a joke about how much time we spent together. One of us commented that we might as well be dating. It’s all a little blurry to be honest.

Two weeks later, we negotiated the rules for our polyquad.

None of us had successfully been poly prior. Several had issues with cheating or being cheated on.

But we all consented.

So, what the hell, why not?

Friendly PSA: please do not use this story as a how-to for poly. It is not, in any way, a good reference for the average individual

Three months later, my wife and I had to leave our apartment due to a toxic situation with a roommate. They gave us a place to stay. Seven days to Christmas, we moved in. We were set to stay only until tax time. Then, when tax time came, we talked it through, and decided to make the situation permanent.

We have been together ever since.

But, somewhere on this journey, wife A and I got lost. She took a left and I didn’t.

So, now, we are strangers. We are strangers to each other and strangers in our relationship.

But, she’s still Master’s wife.

There are a lot of reasons that her and I are disconnected.

She has had some long-term medical issues. I work a lot. She struggles with communicating and I lack general sympathy. I work long, odd hours and our schedules rarely meet. We both have mental health issues. We have different love languages.

But, the more I list it out, the more I hear excuses.

The truth it, we stopped trying. While she was wrapped up in her medical issues and struggled to communicate, I felt pushed away and I stopped listening.

I became bitter and disillusioned. I wanted the relationship to come as naturally as it did with my other two partners. I wanted her to see all the little things and be as observant as I am. I wanted things she has not learned how to give. And instead of showing patience, I cut myself off.

Because I was scared.

What if it didn’t work? Would I lose everyone else in the process? Would I be left alone because I couldn’t listen, or help her get better, or be patient enough?

Would I be considered “useless” if I failed?

Useless things get thrown out.

So, I chose to separate us. I worked hard on my relationships with Master and wife B. I stayed out of Wife A”s way. I made sure I never asked for time with Master if she was home, so I wouldn’t be in the way. I made sure I never made plans on days off from work just in case things had to change. I made sure I did not argue, or disagree, with her so I wouldn’t cause problems.

I did everything I could to become invisible. Exactly like I felt.

Because I was bitter at being pushed away. And I was hurt that I felt she was not listening when I spoke. After a while, I gave up.

I stopped being understanding that she was dealing with chronic medical problems and mental health. I stopped giving her the benefit of doubt that I afforded my other spouses.

And the silence between is has become the Berlin Wall.

It separates us so firmly that we are never in the same room…even when we are inches apart. We stopped listening. We stopped watching. We stopped caring.

I love her. I can say that with absolute certainty.

But we are strangers.

Now, after two years of everything breaking down, I’m staring at her through the broken lens of my camera and I’m trying to capture what we had.

I think, that is why we are struggling.

Every moment, big and small, shapes who we are. I’ve learned, through a lot of betrayal, that functioning with minimal emotion, and a guarded heart, gets me the farthest in life.

It allows me to be logical and understanding. It does not make me the best wife, however.

In fact, my emotional range, led me to a point in my own marriage, where wife B told me, “I love you, I just don’t know if I’m in love with you anymore.”

Those are the hardest words I have ever had to hear. But they got my ass to listen.

And reflect.

And change.

Now, I am hoping that those same words, that once burned and broke me, can help me find wife A and allow us to try again.

This time, I have the support of two partners, whom I consider myself to have strong relationships with.

Maybe, just maybe, her and I will learn we are not alone anymore.

We have people to lean on. We have people who want what is best for us. We have people who will tell us honestly when we fuck up.

I know one thing for sure.

I am not looking for nor expecting an apology.

I am looking for a stranger to join me at the table and help me build back up my house of cards.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

This week in kink: October 19, 2020

October 17, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

Everyone has been affected in some way by the pandemic!

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Curious about exploring BDSM with your partner?

This week Well + Good gives four essential tips on how to bring kink into your relationship.

This article is littered with communication and interpersonal tips.

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4 Tips For Proudly Introducing Kink Into Your Relationship, According to a Sexologist

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Predators In The Scene

October 10, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

dominant man and beautiful submissive in car — via stock.adobe.com

I’ve been involved in the scene for well over a decade and have learned a tremendous amount in a relatively short amount of time. I’ve gone from clueless noob, to less clueless noob, to vaguely less clueless but not noob, to knowing some stuff, to knowing enough stuff to be in a relationship, to being happy to not need to know all the things. It’s been a fun, somewhat peril-filled journey that’s inevitable even if it’s not necessarily what I might have thought.

During that time I’ve encountered a great many predators, both anecdotally and personally. And, like the mythical Hydra, each time one seems to be dealt with and expunged, two more crop up to take their place. Worse, some of them are like a bad penny, turning up again and again.

So how does one define a predator? Simply put, they’re someone who’s out only for themselves, a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath who’s only interested in gratifying their own desires. They have little to no regard for anyone else, existing only in their own head and scratching their own itches.

They tend to be unsafe players intentionally, as they’re often sadists who’re indifferent to the inclinations of those under them. They’ll beat someone black-and-blue or even bloody, all the while complaining about the bottom’s inadequacy in taking pain. They’ll clumsily tie someone ignoring trigger points and nerves, causing pain and permanent damage. Needless to say, they’re no fans of safe words.

And of course, they have a tendency to prey on new people.

So yeah, I’ve… we’ve as a community… encountered them. And inevitably we drive them out. We’ve won! Game over!

Except it isn’t.

Many of them hang out in the periphery of any local community, sniping new profiles on FetLife, contacting them and ingratiating themselves, even as they denigrate the local scene. They’re bad people, but it can also be easy to warn new people away from them. Stick to the groups and you’ll be fine, right?

Sure, except for the groups that are harboring predators or, worse, are run by predators.

They’re the groups with a member (or members) that seem to have an inordinate number of consent violations against them, yet seem to enjoy an otherwise sterling reputation, particularly amongst the leadership (with whom they’re best friends). Often the defense which is given is, “I’ve never seen them do anything bad,” or, “They’ve never done anything to me.” Both of which are, of course, utter and complete horse shit.

You’d think that in a age of #MeToo we’d be better at believing the victim. But it turns out that we’re not. Perhaps we’re too proud of the “consent culture” we’re providing but, if someone’s got a lot of consent violations floating around them, they need to be addressed.

And then there are the groups that are actually run by said predators, often under the auspices of being a group for new people, a sort of “101 group”. Sure they may well do a decent job of presenting 101-style topics and throwing parties which are highly welcoming for newbies. But they also serve as a target-rich environment for the predators at the top.

Ask yourself this; how often have you seen a group’s leadership take a surprising, personal interest in a promising, pretty new member, and then said member is gone within six months? Consider the concept that they’ve been abused and tossed aside, never to return to something they once craved but are now soured on.

There are more subtle examples as well, people who were once eager and wide-eyed and remain as more cynical and suspicious individuals.

We also need to notice that these predatory “community leaders” have a tendency to push out the best people in the actual community; they don’t like the competition nor the fact that they’ll get called out for their bad behavior. My personal count is seventeen, people with whom I was good friends, but who I now only see at private events, disgusted as they are with the public scene.

Of course it’s not all bad news. Many of said “good people”, as well as those who’ve seen their consent violated, go on to form their own groups, often to bring in new people and help them navigate what they see as a complicated and potentially dangerous scene. I know of a few locally, and it warms my heart to see them thriving.

But how can you tell the two apart, the predator-led groups from the good-people-led groups?

Honestly, as a newbie, you often can’t. Both can have sterling reputations, with large memberships and long histories. Indeed, the “good” groups may have a shorter history with fewer members.

In the end, it’s up to you. Use your best judgement, trust your instincts, trust your feelings. Predators can have a way of saying the right things, and a practiced manner of ingratiating themselves, but it always feels wrong. Go with your gut. The good people will always feel good.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

Getting Kinky With Your Partner

October 10, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

hot Domme ass with crop — via stock.adobe.com

With the corona virus still hanging around like a psychotic relative with a gun, we cannot ignore it. With all the dungeons closed, with contact risky and with Mistress Cyan sponsoring Virtual Dungeons, many of the questions that I have answered recently came from a pile of questions I kept around for just such an emergency. But the following query was one I received a couple of weeks ago.

“What would you do if you’d been with your SO for many years and recently found that your BDSM needs were developing and your SO’s weren’t? How would you resolve a growing apparent incompatibility? How do you take someone on a journey with you when they are resistant or uninterested? How do you stay with the one you love despite those dilemmas?”

It is a cliché in every advice column to say, “the key to a successful relationship is communication.” I guess it is a cliché because it is so true. But your dilemma will not be resolved simply by discussing your needs. BDSM isn’t Dr. Full-Of-It’s simple answers for complex questions. (Is he still around?) Oft times, in vanilla relationships, you can just say, “I need oral sex a little more” and voila! The other partner replies, “I will do that if you do this (such as dress sexier, etc.)” This might not solve the deeper problems in the relationship, but it can be a quick fix for the sex aspects. BDSM problems, on the other hand, are not so easy to repair.

In your situation, it appears the actual relationship/love part is solid, but the play aspects are falling apart. And play is very important in a BDSM relationship. You might say it is the basis of it. So, what to do?

Your strategy would depend on the answer to one big question. How much does your partner know about your BDSM needs? Does he/she participate with you? And are you overreacting and getting all bent out of shape because your partner lost interest in BDSM because of the pandemic?

If your partner is totally in the dark about the true depth of your BDSM needs, you must determine whether you wish to risk wrecking a good long-term relationship to disclose them. If they are very strong in your case, I suggest you take a risk. More than likely, you will succumb to these urges somewhere down the road, so why not address the problem as soon as possible. Procrastination solves nothing. But more about that later. (“We will be right back!”) I would simply tell your partner that you have very deep BDSM desires and explain exactly what they are in the most enticing way. And don’t be afraid to state them loud and clear. Explain what you really, really, really want, what turns you on. You have been with this person for many years, so chances are you discuss more than the weather in Topeka. If you are lucky – very lucky – and explain “home dungeon” BDSM play in an exciting way, you just might strike gold. Also make sure that your SO (Significant Other? Social Outcast? LOL) is just going through this disinterest phase as a result of the pandemic.

If, however, he/she either is aware of your BDSM needs – even to the point of partaking in them – a different strategy is needed. If one of you keeps a BDSM diary, look for points of intersection. See what BDSM play turns the two of you on, and make sure to point it out. You might be surprised how much play you both want to experience together.

If you are the Top, then it will be easy to redirect your play toward your partner’s area of interests. This is not to say, let the bottom totally control the direction of the relationship. It is to say, let the bottom have some fun! You will find the bottom is more responsive to activities that you prefer when there is a mix of activities he/she likes too.

If you are the submissive, your relationship – no matter what the protocol – should allow you to voice your opinions freely. State your needs to your Top, and explain that you need more of certain BDSM activities. Be clever and select play that both of you enjoy. A diary is a great device for discovering what interests you and your partner share. It is easy to get “more” when the “more” is fun!

Of course, if your partner simply has absolutely lost interest in BDSM,for whatever reason, and you love it, I really cannot help you there. But it is better to find this out sooner than later.

I would bet it is a temporary situation caused by this pandemic. I haven’t gone to a dungeon since this craziness started. I have tried to both answer your question and suggest that your problems are caused by this virus. These are insane times and it would be a shame if your relationship got destroyed by this microbe. Hasn’t it done enough damage? My assumption could be wrong; but if I am right you will look at your problem in a different light.

These times are trying enough without having to deal with the relationship problems that the virus is causing.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Starting out in the world of kink

October 4, 2020 By Elyssa Rice 2 Comments

Molly had fun playing for the first time

Ah, to discover the kink community after living a vanilla life. What an exciting and potentially nerve-wracking time in your life. When we look at kink development, many kinksters will say that there were signs of kinkhood early in adolescence, some even in childhood. While at that young age, there were not words to understand it, many folks had a preoccupation with pain or various objects more so than that of their peers. It was those early interests that flourished and eventually turned into formal and understandable kinks. While many folks have felt their kinkiness throughout most of their lives, there are plenty of individuals who discover this new version of themselves in later adulthood, whether intentionally or by accident.

Stepping into the kink world can be scary. It is easy to feel like everyone knows what they’re doing, and you are the odd person out. The amazing thing about kink is that there is always room to grow, even for the most experienced players. So much of kink is about evolving and transforming and pushing past what we all think is even possible. Several things are essential to remember when beginning this journey, and I am hoping to give you some helpful tips to guide you on your way.

Take Your Time

Patience may be hard to come by when you are engaging in something brand new. It can be even more challenging when this brand new thing provides pleasure in a way that has not been experienced before. While the desire to jump headfirst into the kinky pool may be overwhelming, it can be beneficial to take your time as you navigate this new way of life. Slowing down and pacing yourself can actually be quite helpful in the long run. When experiencing play for the first time, you may want to spend time processing the experience so that you can get a more firm understanding of what it is you actually want in this kinky world. The exciting thing about kink, and really sex in general, is that exploration can occur throughout our lifetime. Remember hearing about the outbreaks of STIs in retirement homes? While this may not be something to strive towards (as safety and health are essential), it shows us that sexual exploration can truly last our entire lives. So, take your time and enjoy the journey because there will always be a new destination when it comes to kink.

Consent is everything

I cannot stress enough that consent is everything. If there is ever a time that you are approached in the community by someone who wants to play without any negotiation, I highly encourage you to decline. Consent is what allows for mitigation of risk, so while risk will not be entirely off the table with proper negotiation, unwanted harm will certainly be less likely to occur. One of the pillars of kink play is consent, so it is incredibly important that the idea of consent gets woven into your mind from the beginning.

You are not alone

If you are new to kink, it can be very common to feel immense anxiety mixed in with your excitement. It is easy to feel like everyone else is more experienced or that you do not know what you are doing. While it may be the case that there are kinksters who are well versed in their practice, there are always newcomers who are starting from scratch. You are not alone in your kink journey. Every person who you look up to in this world started precisely where you are. Kink practice is just that, a practice. It takes time and effort to be able to perfect a technique or be able to execute a new action that has not been done before. Kink is about the ongoing journey of learning. The beauty of this community of practicing kink is that you will always have room to continue to grow and evolve. If you can put in the time to getting to know members of the community, you will quickly learn that you are not in this alone.

Don’t be afraid to ask for guidance

Kink can be confusing, complicated, scary, and even risky. Any new experience can bring up feelings of nervousness, and one of the best ways to work through that is to ask for help. Many professionals in the field can assist you in this process. From therapists who are experts in kink (like me!) to professional Dom/subs/etc., to other members of the community, there is often room for guidance. Fortunately, technology allows us to connect with kinksters from all over the world, so even if you are not in a particularly kinky town, you may be able to establish online relationships that can assist you on your journey.

This is an exciting time in your life. In fact, this is the beginning of a journey that can transform how you explore your identity. By taking things slow, remembering that consent is key, asking for help, and finding community, you will likely increase your chances of having a positive experience in this fun and exciting world. Dipping your toes into the kinky pool may be a little bit startling at first, but as you slowly continue to enter, you will find yourself much more comfortable and soon fully immersed in the world of kink.

Elyssa Rice is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the Kink and Alternative Lifestyle community. She is a writer, lecturer and advocate for sexual empowerment and sexual freedom. She has a private practice in Los Angeles, CA and is dedicated to shifting the narrative about both the mental health and Kink community.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T In Polyamory

October 4, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

You don’t have to like your metamour, but ideally you should respect each other

Polyamory can have its ups and downs. One of the greatest external support functions I’ve found that generally tends to come into play when polycules start to grow has been some type of shared calendar. Some will swear by regular ol’ google calendar, others by shared OneNote files or Dropbox or Google Drive folders. Much like the practice of poly, there’s no one agreed-upon way to share schedules and facilitate polycule communication.
What does seem more of a common ground is a desire I often see individuals have for other members of their polycule to have respect for their relationship/s. The problem, as I see it, is how one defines the word respect. I heartily suggest that however one might define it, that the definition is shared amongst metas and partners. Understanding what a person considers to be respectful can often help others from crossing that boundary. That isn’t to say that misunderstandings won’t still occur, but firmly establishing personally held definitions of what disrespect looks like can be extraordinarily helpful.

Let’s play with some examples. I happen to feel that as my D-type’s nesting partner, it is my job to create space for his other partners. If I choose instead to monopolize his time and schedule things in such a manner that they have no space at all in which to attempt to squeeze their own schedules into the open spaces, I have neither respected their relationship with him, nor their needs within that framework. The way I see that, the path in that direction leads to poor relationships with my metas and strife in the general polycule due to my inability to respect their time.

Taking that a step further, if they schedule a specific day each week with him, say Thursday for ease of discussion, it is my responsibility to be respectful of that schedule.

Yes, I understand that life happens. However, if I consistently drag my time with him out and cause him to be late for plans with them or if I continuously reschedule plans that force their plans to adjust around me, I have not been respectful of their time together. If it were a work meeting I would not be so cavalier and dismissive of their scheduled event, so why does it being his romantic schedule make it any less worthy of my consideration?

If I want others to honor my time with partners, I have to give equal concern to my own behavior. If a regularly scheduled week isn’t working for some reason, that becomes an issue for the polycule as a whole. If others are amenable and have been respectful of relationships, often a solution can be found. When someone has shown me clear indifference of my time and energy over and over, I tend to be much less accommodating, as a rule. I find that sort of thing tends to be common. We have a tendency to want to treat others as they’ve treated us rather than extending gestures of care only to see them slapped down or taken advantage of.

It can be incredibly difficult to stand in someone else’s shoes. Quite naturally, we see things from our own viewpoint. When I accomodate someone’s constantly shifting schedule while feeling as though mine is not of concern to them, it has a hugely detrimental effect on our relationship.

Having many friends who practice poly, I have heard a meta or six referred to as ‘The Black Hole.’ Their partner will have plans with them, on said Thursday, while Wendesday was a meta’s turn. Yet fairly consistently, the partner will drop off of the map all day Wednesday, leaving Girl Thursday unable to confirm plans. As Thursday stretches on, it always become apparent that Girl Wednesday has had some sort of panic attack or began a serious relationship conversation or argument when their shared partner is due to leave. Once might be legitimate, but when that occurs every week for six months, GW’s lack of respect for Shared Partner’s time becomes only too apparent. When SP doesn’t see the manipulative behavior, that can leave GT feeling frustrated and unimportant, constantly at the mercy of her meta. Compounding that, I often see Girl Wednesday turn around and accuse GT of not being concerned about her relationship with SP. That’s a game with no winners, unfortunately.

Without a standard schedule those issues can be a bit trickier. Say I have a meta with an incredibly busy schedule which leaves her having to make plans a month out. If I text our shared partner with my weekend schedule, and my free time happens to coincide with their plans, I absolutely feel it is my duty to make it clear that my schedule is more flexible and that I can wait. I don’t get to make our Shared Partner feel guilty for keeping plans they’ve made, and I don’t get to try to schedule time before or after, forcing SP to cut time with one of us short. I am honor-bound to respect their time. Doing otherwise, quite frankly, would make me a rather shitty metamour, and honestly, not someone I’d recommend getting involved with.
We always have the option to be respectful of the relationships our partners have with others. I’d argue that if you want your own relationship to have longevity, it’s absolutely essential.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Finding Your Ideal Kinky Partner

October 4, 2020 By SafferMaster 3 Comments

Dakota found just the kind of guy she was looking for

When I found myself divorced after a long, long unhappy and sexually unfulfilling marriage, I resolved to find my ideal partner. I made the choice to create a 24/7 sex forward, kink forward relationship with a submissive masochist who would be my live-in collared slut and true love. This was singularly the most important choice I could have made at the time. It took me a couple of years of focused effort to find her and to create the amazing life we live each day, which surpasses everything I could have imagined. In fact, I would say that the outcome is far beyond my wildest expectations. I am present to a life of kink, with extraordinary sexual encounters every day that are literally mind blowing. Beyond that, my partner and I are 100% aligned with each other in literally every way. The difference this has made to my life is extraordinary. Imaging being married to a woman who was more interested in motherhood than our relationship and who found kink “too naughty” to engage in on one hand, compared to now, where I am completely fulfilled in my darkest kink desires routinely, and our journey down the rabbit hole together is exciting, producing moments of ecstasy that are completely indescribable every single day. It is the difference between chalk and cheese. I am present to being happy, fulfilled and loved in a manner that was simply not available to me in the past. The effort was worth it.

If you were to ask my partner, Lady Petra, she will tell you that as my marked, collared slut she experiences feeling complete in a way that is new for her, being both deeply loved and also experiencing what she describes as “true love”.

In short, we are happier and more fulfilled in our relationship than either of us had ever been, or knew how to be.

This level of alignment is available to you too. This article is a primer on how to set about finding your ideal partner and creating the relationship of your dreams.

If you can see it, you can create it.

Begin by Imagining the kink relationship of your dreams. Imagine being completely aligned with your partner. Imagine having a relationship where there is no space between you, where you have no concerns, where the sex is extraordinary and where you are truly whole-hearted. Imagine both you and your partner being fully self-expressed as your true authentic selves.

A shared love of spanking brought Lola and OT together

This state of bliss is absolutely available to you.

A good place to start the inquiry of how to bring this about is to get crystal clear as to what your motivations are. Here the issues are personal. How do you see yourself and how do you interact with the world around you?

Then there are the concerns that relate to two people creating workability in their relationship. Are you looking for a life partner? A play partner? A Master? A Slave? Are you in touch with your demons? Do you play well with others?

Make an inventory of who you are. Are you able to keep your word? Do you have personal integrity in your relationships? Do you know what, in a perfect world, a relationship with your ideal partner would look like beyond the sex?

The first step,then, is to get completely clear about who you are….how you see yourself. The second step is to examine how you see others.

Think of kink as being represented by a sheet of paper. The range of kinks on the X- axis, with the range of intensity on the Y-axis. Imagine that you occupy an area the size of a quarter on that page. The objective is to find a partner with whom you have maximum overlap.

Time to ask yourself some more questions…this time the questions are related to your sexual desires, i.e. in a perfect world, what specifically you like done to you, what specifically would you like to do to your partner. What level of intensity do you desire? How frequently do you like to play. How long does your ideal scene last? What sort of aftercare you desire and so on.

Step three is to consider how you occur to others.

It’s time to get your social media platform to align with your self-discovery. The best advice I can give you here is to be completely authentic.

I wrote a seeking post that I spread around the kink internet. I posted it as my “About” in my profiles and within a week, the women I was seeking showed up.

She said to me on our very first date “I swear, you wrote that to me, personally”. She had embarked on her own search by reading hundreds of profiles. When she landed on my page she knew she had found her man. Now, she is my collared slut and we are incredibly happy.

The point is that you have to do the prep work to be able to successfully attract your ideal partner.

Its 3 parts:

– How do you occur to yourself ?

– How do others occur to you?

– How do you occur to others?

Doing complete work will give you the best chance to create your ideal relationship. Good luck!

SafferMaster and Lady Petra are kink relationship coaches offering a range of services that can be accessed on their Patreon “Lady Petra Playground”. In addition Lady Petra and SafferMaster host the daily podcast Kinky Cocktail Hour that can be found on your favorite podcast server. Lady Petra and
SafferMaster will teach a workshop on DatingKinky.com in
September/October. You can find Lady Petra on Fetlife @Lady_Petra. You can find SafferMaster on Fetlife @SafferMaster.

How To Start Your BDSM Journey

September 26, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

lesbian collar bdsm play — via stock.adobe.com

Once again the question unintentionally revolves around Covid-19. At first, I wanted to keep the questions strictly on D/s and BDSM. But it seems the less you talk about it, the more it dominates our thought processes – like the elephant in the room. So, even though the following question is really about BDSM and not about the virus, it really is. Or something like that. So here goes!

Reader: My husband and I are in a long-term vanilla relationship. But recently, with these new “stay at home” directives, we spend a lot more time together, so we both want to include BDSM play in our lives. Do you have any starting points, pointers, or references for us?

Good news! My personal experience is that BDSM relationships have the longest lifespan when vanillapartners discover this lifestyle together. This is especially true if the duo is entering the BDSM world while still in a fulfilling relationship. So if my “polling data” is correct, this move bodes well for you. Now, how do you start? Simple…

First, read kinkweekly.com (plug, plug) – and the archives — to get a sense of the BDSM verbiage and other basics. Once you know the ropes, everything will seem that much easier.

Second, determine who is the Dominant and who is the submissive. If you are lucky, hubby will go one way, and you will go the other way. If you both want to be Tops or both want to be bottoms, we are going to have some trouble. The easiest way to find out what you are (if you don’t already know) is to talk about what turns each of you on. Surely your desire to add BDSM to your activities did not come out of the blue. Likely you both have concepts if what BDSM is about and how you want to integrate it into your lives. You are probably more semi-vanilla than straight vanilla.

I would suggest you take the activity that turns you both on the most and plan out your first “scene” together. What follows is my suggestion for a good way to get into BDSM play. This scene uses easy-to-find, inexpensive BDSM implements, does not require extensive BDSM furniture and is fun and easy to do! And it entails light rope bondage and cropping which are among the most popular BDSM activities of all.

First, pick your safeword. “Red” is the default safeword. Then, get some rope available at any Home Depot kind of store. And most are open. (Don’t forget your mask!) Make sure it is soft but strong. Get a riding crop with a large flat end. (Not the thin cropping end, as those tend to sting a lot). Crops are available at adult websites and should cost no more than forty bucks. Have the submissive lie face down. Tie up the hands and feet (not too tight until you get some experience under your belt!)

Then crop the submissive’s butt. Use light and soft strokes. Do not assume the lack of a safeword gives you the right to flail away. The butt should be reddened, but avoid any marking at this point. As you are man and wife, it is unlikely the Top here would want any harm to come to the submissive partner. I would give a ten to fifteen minute cropping to start. Then comfort (“aftercare”) and untie the submissive. This is just one suggestion; whatever you do keep your entry scene simple and safe.

Here is where my constant reminder to communicate comes in. Do not forget to discuss the scene you just did; I think this is a great way to begin.
I might add that, although this article might be a bit too “beginnerish” for most of you, if the pandemic continues much longer, I might need a refresher course. After all, it’s hard to hone your skills “playing in an empty dungeon”!

The Nesting Partner Doesn’t Always Win

September 19, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy — via stock.adobe.com

We live in interesting times, which happens to be less than awesome for most of us. We’re experiencing levels of anxiety and stress that our bodies may not be accustomed to. We have uncertainty and fear, and some days it is a struggle for us to accomplish basic tasks.

What then of kink? And non-nesting partners? Is there any space for that in all of this?

I believe there is, but it can be difficult to achieve the head space for the first, or to have the additional energy required for the second.

Having relationships requires energy. We give up some of our energy reserves in order to invest in getting to know others or hearing about how their lives are. When we have high stress levels and we are hearing about high stress from partners, it can be a challenge to keep our heads above water.

Someone who does not live with a shared partner may be experiencing some feelings of jealousy or loss right now. It may seem desirable to have someone there for comfort, but we don’t always account for how these emotions can affect a relationship. It can be an odd shift to consider that partners who do not live together may have an easier time scheduling time for the fun things than those who do.

Partners at home have to push through those pulls of life, like dishes and children, dogs and laundry, and the little frustrations that pile up on any given day. We may have planned to do fun kinky things together, but the odds are good that when the time comes, one or both of us will be too tired to scrape up the interest. Because outside partners are getting a specifically scheduled time, energy is often fresh when they meet up. This means the likelihood of them being able to follow through with the fun kinky things is much higher. Watching that partner get the thing that is desired but rarely received can create feelings of inequity in a nesting partner, particularly one who does the laundry and finds oneself hanging the now-clean rope to dry that was likely used on a meta’s crotch.

What is the solution, though? Understanding the issue doesn’t make energy suddenly appear from nowhere, or stir up desire that has been tamped down by stress and fear. Perhaps the way to solve feelings of inequity in this area can be to schedule with nesting partners the way we schedule with partners outside of the home. When we were used to making kink time together by going out to a dungeon before, that option no longer exists, at least not in a way we personally feel is safe.

Perhaps reaching out to our local dungeon owners whose properties sit empty of patrons, monthly rent continuing to rack up, would be happy to allow a pair of patrons to borrow their location and equipment for an hour for a special night out. Perhaps, as a friend of our suggested, creatively scheduling an exotic meal out, by exploring recipes or takeout from a particular culture, creating ambiance with sounds or music from the same culture, and dining in Paris for a night before getting one’s kink on might be just the right touch.

It is important that we explore creative options to continue to show the people we love they are special. It isn’t always enough to just be the stressed out warm body in bed with them at night. At some point, this life of fear and uncertainty has to end, and it is the goal that our relationships haven’t ended before that.

This week in kink news: September 21, 2020

September 19, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

During the pandemic, people have looked for new ways to connect with others.

Because of this, statistics show that online BDSM interactions have skyrocketed in certain cities since the start of the pandemic.

Click below to learn more from KinkD!

Denmark plans on changing its definition of rape to non-consensual sex.

Previously, the country defined rape as sex involving coercion and/or violence.

This is a great adjustment since rape is ANY KIND of sex that is non-consensual.

Go Denmark as well as other countries that are adjusting their rape and molestation laws! This will help ensure peoples’ safety even more!

Click below to read further.

Denmark Sexual Violence Law set to Change. Non-consensual sex to be called rape

Has BDSM and kink become more popular since Covid-19?

One sex worker says “yes” due to people’s heightened need for connection.

The growing popularity of virtual interactions makes BDSM more readily available as well.

Click below to find out more.

Is BDSM getting more popular during COVID? One sex worker says yes

communication

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