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Rebuilding After Trauma

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There are many commonalities in the kink community.  As hard as it is to admit, many of us have a history of trauma.  Though the causes vary, they impact our interactions in BDSM heavily.  So we are going to explore what you can do if you need to renegotiate or build a scene after recent trauma. 

Trauma is defined as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.”  

This is a broad definition.  We often equate trauma to incidents that result in physical injuries or abuse.  But trauma can be anything.  Trauma can happen as a result of a death in the family, stress from work or family, near death experiences, abuse, accidents, and mental health imbalances.  This is, by no means, a comprehensive list.

For example, due to repeated deaths in my family in a short period of time, and a couple of traumatic experiences from when I was a teenager, I deal with the effects of PTSD.  My brain just sort of short circuits at times.  On an average day, it does not affect me much because I have learned to cope with it.  However, when I delve into play, the closer I get to sub space, the less control I have in my head.  Sometimes, that means disassociation.  Sometimes it is moments of extreme panic or fear.  

Outside of play, and regardless of the control you have over your mental health, your trauma does influence all aspects of your life. It can change the route you take home from work or where you work.  It can change how you sleep or whether the light stays on at night.  It can affect how you talk and who you talk to.

In kink, and often as a result of trauma, many suffer the effects of PTSD, severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, fear of men/women, nightmares/ Night terrors, and more.  Some people lose their sense of self and their independence.  

Some seek help.  Some don’t.  Some find relief in a bottle and some in pills.  Some never sleep and some only sleep.  Some learn to cope, and some don’t.  Some move on and some don’t.  Some give up and some don’t.   

It is an individual experience and recovery.

As mentioned previously, you don’t need to look hard to find a lot of trauma survivors in BDSM and Kink.  We all have our own reasons for delving into kink and dealing with our mental health.

Some use kink to reclaim their independence.  It allows them to reclaim the moments they felt helpless and take back control.  Some use kink for coping.  

And, for some, they attempt to keep their trauma and their kink separate.

I do not personally believe the last statement is possible.  Even the most careful of individuals can be triggered unintentionally.  Because of this, it is important to figure out how to renegotiate and build a scene after trauma, to meet the needs of both yourself and your partner(s).

The steps below are built on the premise that you were involved in kink prior to the traumatic event.

Step 1: Be honest (to yourself and your partner) about your mental and physical state.

As much as we would love to pretend the trauma has never happened, it did.  You and your partner need to accept that.  You also need to clearly state your current needs.  Do not allow yourself or your partner to assume that your wants, needs, and desires are the same as they were prior to the traumatic event.

Step 2: Negotiate with what you can do, not what you can’t

Feeling powerless is common with trauma.  You may find yourself hesitant or even fearful of things you consider to be “simple.”  There is no shame in doing what is best for you.  If you cannot handle hugs any longer, or need someone to ask ahead of doing so, be clear in those expectations.  Because there may be so many more things that you cannot do/have done as before, it is important to not lose yourself in what you “cannot do.”  Instead of negotiating with your partner about what is off-limits, change the parameters.  

“I would like you to do X, but I need you to keep eye contact with me.”

“I would like to feel your weight on me, but without restraint.”

“I need you to use my name when you talk to me.  Please speak clearly so I know it is you.”

“I need skin to skin contact and I need you to stay above the waist.”

“I want to be flogged with my shirt on.”

Any of these options are considered green behaviors for this individual.  It states what you wish to do and how it needs to be done to minimize triggering.

Step 3:  Watch for frenzy.  It can happen after long bouts of inactivity, not just to people new to the lifestyle.

Sometimes we remove ourselves from kink all together when trauma occurs.  When we feel strong enough to get back into the scene, it is easy to lose yourself into frenzy.  The feelings that you had thought forgotten come rushing back, and with it, so does the desire to get back into everything.  

Watching for frenzy also means watching for extreme drop.  We, as people, like to believe that we will always be able to do everything at the level we currently do it.  Maybe, prior to your break, you could take an hour long beating with a cane.  Most likely, after that break, you will not be able to. To play safely, it is better to start as though you are new and gauge your tolerance from there.  But it can be a blow to both your ego and your self-esteem to “feel less than” we once were.  Tolerance can be relearned.  Pushing too fast, though, can reignite the trauma responses that required the break in the first place.

Step 4: If needed, write down the negotiation.  This way you can review it and revisit it before play, if needed.

I am not suggesting a contract.  I am suggesting more of a journaling exercise.  Write down where you want to start, your goals, and your reactions to things as they occur.

This includes determining who will be involved in the scene, participating or watching?  What will happen?  What is your safeword?  What are the boundaries?  Are the scene boundaries different than your everyday ones?  Do you have a panic option if your safeword becomes unuseable?

What happens though if the trauma happens during kink?  Or if it happens with your current partner?  Does that change how we renegotiate or build a scene?

In my mind, it does.

Trust is paramount in a dynamic.  When that trust wavers, it can make kink so much more dangerous.  For example, you can lose the comfort and confidence needed to safeword.  As much as most Dominants seem like mind-readers, they are not.  They need to know their partner will 22speak up when necessary, to prevent hurting the submissive.

Below, I have an altered set of steps to help guide the reestablishment of boundaries and the renegotiation of terms in an existing dynamic.

Step 1: Make sure you are both emotionally recovered enough to discuss logically.

Was the trauma caused by yourself?  Your partner?  Did it happen during a scene?  Was the trauma an accident, miscommunication, or malicious?  Is it unrelated?

These are important questions to ask yourself.  Trauma that is unrelated may be easier to navigate with a partner than something caused by them.  The same goes for the intention behind what happened.

Accidents and miscommunication happen in scenes.  My first scene with Master was at a public party as pick-up play.  I thought we had negotiated a flogging. Turns out, he was under the impression we negotiated an impact scene that involved floggers.  In this instance, it turned out to be a beneficial miscommunication.  

Later on, in our relationship, we did impact play at a party and a couple hours later we tried fire play.  Turns out, even a light flogging (one that doesn’t leave marks) can weaken the skin enough that fire play can burn (when it otherwise would not).  Technically, I was injured because my skin was burned.  It was a small crescent shaped mark and for me, was a plausible outcome to the risky stuff we engage in.  In this example, neither instance impacted my trust in Master.  But, I have seen similar instances that have traumatized submissives and made them very skittish.

Step 2: Read through the current rules, together, and discuss their meaning.

When we first begin in kink, there are often a set of rules that we put in place to set the boundaries of our dynamics.  Over time, those can change or evolve.

Due to personal issues with food in my past, one of my rules is that I must eat 3 times a day (or six tiny meals to help with my diabetes).  When my dad died last year, I couldn’t bring myself to eat through my grief.  But I had to, because it was a rule.  I essentially made myself extremely sick.  So, I had to reach out to Master and ask for an amendment.  The rule adjusted to eating 2 times per day and I could use a meal replacement shake if needed.

We were not discarding everything that we had set forth, but we were adjusting them as needed to make sure I was ok.

Step 3: Recognize if any of the current rules contributed to the trauma.

**The rules I use as an example below are just rules that I have had mentioned to me by other submissives that have encountered issues.  I have a personal belief that as long as rules are consensual, then they can be anything the Dominant and the submissive wish**

Some rules can add to the negative headspace left by trauma.  For example, some dynamics have a rule that issues will be discussed once a month during a free chat.  This could lead a submissive to believe they cannot speak up when needed.  

Another example is a rule that does not allow safewording during a punishment.  Is this something that foster’s fear in the submissive?  Can this lead to triggering during a punishment without recourse to remove themself from the situation?

Step 4: Remove or adjust any rule that has impacted either the D-type or s-type’s state of mind.

Step 5: Keep the number of rules manageable.  Trauma impacts the mental and physical states.  If you are still recovering, having too many rules can make you feel like a failure and having too few can maximize your feelings of not being wanted or useful.

Step 6: Make a plan to maintain the healthy mindset.  Whether this is through therapy, medication, maintenance discipline, etc.  Recovering from trauma is fluid.  It does not just stop and get cured.

Ultimately, you are stronger than your trauma.  No one will know your reactions better than you.  There is no right or wrong answer in your decisions, kink related or not.  Your kink goes at the speed that you determine is best.  Never let anyone try to force you to change.

Lastly, as cruel as it sounds, your trauma is your trauma.  Just as you have the right to play at your discretion and pace, others have the right to choose not to play with you.  This is not a reflection on either person’s character.  Some people are not willing or able to deal with the aftereffects of trauma.  This is their right.

When you vet a new partner, or renegotiate with an old partner, Be honest, clear in your expectations, and open about your mental health.

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Safe Caller Does Not Mean Chatty Friend

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Some people seem to think that the job of the safe caller is not all that important. “It’s just what you would normally do, letting someone know where you are” is an attitude I’ve recently seen.

That is wrong. Painfully wrong. Dangerously wrong.

The purpose of a safe caller isn’t just so someone knows where you are; the other person knows you have back up; or to calm your nerves while waiting.

Yes, those may be aspects of the job. I’ve been all three of those things, because the safe caller is whatever the person going to the meeting needs them to be. Most of the time, those things are all that is needed.

The ultimate purpose of a safe caller, however, is to call the police to rescue your ass if shit goes sideways.

I know a great many wonderful people. I would not, however, pick the biggest flake to be my safe caller. Or the one I know is not good under pressure or in emergency situations. If I wouldn’t trust them to watch a puppy for the weekend, I’m not going to trust them with my life.

In fact, I have asked someone with whom I wasn’t particularly friends, because I knew she’d do the job well if shit went bad on me.

The person you select must be calm in the midst of crisis. They must be confident when speaking to authority figures, and even a little pushy about getting their point across. They must know how to efficiently give the facts without paragraphs of unnecessary information.

They must be capable of dealing effectively with 911 personnel to convey your location and the situation and get help to you as quickly as possible.

It doesn’t have to be a ten point plan, but the use of a code word can be very helpful. Say the code word is deuces. You say “Is everything deuces?” If the person on the date repeats the word back to you “Yeah, it’s totally deuces!”, shit’s gone bad and they need help. If they don’t use the word “Yeah, everything is great”, all is well.

This is a serious job.
They must not hesitate to make that call if the code word is used.
They must not fail you.

Anyone will do if you’re a little nervous waiting for the other person to arrive and are texting to fill the time.

We are talking about your personal safety. If they’re not ready, willing, and capable of calling 911 for you, should it go bad, then that person is not a safe caller.

In case you do not know…

To call 911 in a city not your own, you must know the area code for the person’s location.

Dial 1- (area code) – 911

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for over 30 years in private and more than 12 years in public venues. 

She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page —  https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor


She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Predators In The Scene

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I’ve been involved in the scene for well over a decade and have learned a tremendous amount in a relatively short amount of time.  I’ve gone from clueless noob, to less clueless noob, to vaguely less clueless but not noob, to knowing some stuff, to knowing enough stuff to be in a relationship, to being happy to not need to know all the things. It’s been a fun, somewhat peril-filled journey that’s inevitable even if it’s not necessarily what I might have thought.

During that time I’ve encountered a great many predators, both anecdotally and personally. And, like the mythical Hydra, each time one seems to be dealt with and expunged, two more crop up to take their place. Worse, some of them are like a bad penny, turning up again and again.

So how does one define a predator? Simply put, they’re someone who’s out only for themselves, a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath who’s only interested in gratifying their own desires. They have little to no regard for anyone else, existing only in their own head and scratching their own itches.

They tend to be unsafe players intentionally, as they’re often sadists who’re indifferent to the inclinations of those under them. They’ll beat someone black-and-blue or even bloody, all the while complaining about the bottom’s inadequacy in taking pain. They’ll clumsily tie someone ignoring trigger points and nerves, causing pain and permanent damage. Needless to say, they’re no fans of safe words.

And of course, they have a tendency to prey on new people.

So yeah, I’ve… we’ve as a community… encountered them. And inevitably we drive them out. We’ve won! Game over!

Except it isn’t.

Many of them hang out in the periphery of any local community, sniping new profiles on FetLife, contacting them and ingratiating themselves, even as they denigrate the local scene. They’re bad people, but it can also be easy to warn new people away from them. Stick to the groups and you’ll be fine, right?

Sure, except for the groups that are harboring predators or, worse, are run by predators.

They’re the groups with a member (or members) that seem to have an inordinate number of consent violations against them, yet seem to enjoy an otherwise sterling reputation, particularly amongst the leadership (with whom they’re best friends).  Often the defense which is given is, “I’ve never seen them do anything bad,” or, “They’ve never done anything to me.” Both of which are, of course, utter and complete horse shit.

You’d think that in a age of #MeToo we’d be better at believing the victim. But it turns out that we’re not. Perhaps we’re too proud of the “consent culture” we’re providing but, if someone’s got a lot of consent violations floating around them, they need to be addressed.

And then there are the groups that are actually run by said predators, often under the auspices of being a group for new people, a sort of “101 group”. Sure they may well do a decent job of presenting 101-style topics and throwing parties which are highly welcoming for newbies. But they also serve as a target-rich environment for the predators at the top. 

Ask yourself this; how often have you seen a group’s leadership take a surprising, personal interest in a promising, pretty new member, and then said member is gone within six months? Consider the concept that they’ve been abused and tossed aside, never to return to something they once craved but are now soured on.

There are more subtle examples as well, people who were once eager and wide-eyed and remain as more cynical and suspicious individuals. 

We also need to notice that these predatory “community leaders” have a tendency to push out the best people in the actual community; they don’t like the competition nor the fact that they’ll get called out for their bad behavior. My personal count is seventeen, people with whom I was good friends, but who I now only see at private events, disgusted as they are with the public scene.

Of course it’s not all bad news. Many of said “good people”, as well as those who’ve seen their consent violated, go on to form their own groups, often to bring in new people and help them navigate what they see as a complicated and potentially dangerous scene. I know of a few locally, and it warms my heart to see them thriving.

But how can you tell the two apart, the predator-led groups from the good-people-led groups? 

Honestly, as a newbie, you often can’t. Both can have sterling reputations, with large memberships and long histories. Indeed, the “good” groups may have a shorter history with fewer members.

In the end, it’s up to you. Use your best judgement, trust your instincts, trust your feelings. Predators can have a way of saying the right things, and a practiced manner of ingratiating themselves, but it always feels wrong. Go with your gut. The good people will always feel good.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

BDSM Doesn’t Always Mean Safe

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There are a LOT of “shoulds” in this world.

We should be able to walk unmolested.
We should be able to post pics and not get rude comments.
We should be able to go to a kink event and not have our consent violated.
We should…a million things.

People shouldn’t steal or lie either; but I busted 350 people stealing from grocery stores in three years and every fuckin’ one of ’em lied to my face. Repeatedly. I came to expect it, and learned not to believe a word out of anyone’s mouth. I have often said I’m so jaded the Chinese want to mine my soul. It comes from a tough upbringing. Not as bad as some, mind you. I’ll never say mine is worse than someone else’s. But tough enough that my opinions and attitudes are sometimes very hard-boiled.

I don’t live in the land of “should”.

I live in a world of reality and recognize that all those “should” moments depend entirely on the morals and ethics of another person. I know that if people are given the opportunity and think they’ll get away with it, they’ll do it. Whatever “it” is.

And that is a crying shame.

We know we can NOT depend on the morals and ethics of the other person in this new world of identity theft and cyberbullying. We live in a world where someone is assaulted somewhere every minute of every day and all we have to do is look at the news to see today’s version of the same story.

I lived in a town where a woman did NOT walk by herself after dark, and we drove with our doors locked long before the word car-jacking was coined. The neighborhood was irrelevant. They were all equally dangerous.

In some instances, just having your eyes down and looking afraid marked you as an easy victim and you’d get the piss pounded outta you. People make so much about subs lowering their eyes out of respect…but where I came from, that meant the opposite and could get you put in the hospital, if not killed. A kid was killed a block from my home, when a group of other kids crushed his head with a cinderblock.

I lived in a place where you had to be careful what color bandanna you had in your back pocket. Each color meant a different street gang, and having the wrong one on your head while walking on the wrong street would get you put in the hospital. Or killed.

These were very real things I lived with every day. Crips, Bloods, Ffolks, several others whose names I can’t recall now. There were so many gangs that a gang task force was created. What horrid place was this? Itty Bitty Toledo, Ohio…in the 80s and 90s.

Now I live in New York City. There are areas I’m not going to be going to alone at night, regardless whether or not I “should” be able to. Moving here didn’t suddenly make me stupid. “Should” doesn’t exist. But I do feel safe enough that I can walk home alone at 3am after the party if I need to. 

I have never lived in the land of “should” but in a world of “be smart and watch out for yourself.” I have always lived in a world in which my safety was directly put into my own hands and taking chances could easily end up badly. I learned to recognize the dangers and take the appropriate course to mitigate them. Dare I say it? I take personal responsibility for my own safety. It’s not up to anyone else to keep me safe.

I keep myself safe.

Do I live in fear? Nope. I’m not afraid of anyone. My x took care of that the night he held me prisoner with that sword. I just don’t trust them. I don’t trust them with my life, my hide, by backpack full of toys. I make the decisions appropriate to each situation, whether the decision is to take action or step back out of sight.

Being into BDSM doesn’t mean everyone suddenly got a shot of perfect morality and is absolutely trustworthy. Far from it. People will steal a toy left unattended. I couldn’t tell you how many “missing/stolen item” threads I’ve seen over the years. How many “he touched me” and “he/she didn’t stop when I said stop” threads have we seen?

Should people steal the toy? No. They “should” turn it in to the event promoter so it can find its rightful home. That’s the ethical choice. But there are those who will steal the paddle, steal the whip, steal the flogger. They’ll do it and not think twice.

Should people not touch? Of course they should not touch if they haven’t asked/don’t have permission. But they do.

I don’t live afraid. I live alert and vigilant and take into my own safety into my own hands rather than counting on the morals and ethics of strangers. I live ready to take action and assert myself if needs be.

If you’re expecting everyone to have perfect morals, because BDSM, you’re going to be extremely disappointed. 

You’re going to get yourself hurt.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Setting the Scene

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Dungeon Delights Oval Shackles

How to prepare for success and handle the occasional failure.

You’d be a foolish person to assume that your scene will go 100% perfect every time. Sometimes a partner’s headspace may not be in the right spot, maybe a toy breaks or you accidentally injure someone. These things happen and as responsible players, we know the risks associated with practicing BDSM. There are steps you can take to plan for the best case scenario and also some fail safes for when things go downhill.

Set the scene
Do you fancy a little romance? Maybe you prefer a more sterile environment? Put some effort into your play space. Lighting a few tea lights around the room can go a long way! Set out a few bottles of water and a snack for afterwards. Put on your favorite tunes. You don’t have to put out a bed of rose petals but thoroughly cleaning the room and adding a few touches will show your partner you’re serious about having a good time.

Take proper care of your toys
I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen some really old, nasty looking toys out and about at parties. I know these things can get expensive, but if your toys are stained, cracked, frayed, or any number of the things that happen over time, its time to get new ones! By cleaning and regularly maintaining your toys, you will increase the lifespan and be a hygienic player. This includes leather products like floggers and whips. These often get ignored in the cleaning process yet can harbor some of the yuckiest bacteria. Clean your toys!

When playing with locks or handcuffs, have an extra key!
You think this would be a no brainer but it’s very easy to misplace the key in the moment. There you are, dominating and flying high only to look a bit like a fumbling dope when it comes time to unlock your partner and the key is nowhere to be found! It’s happened to me, it’s happened to a few friends of mine, and it can happen to you! Keep a spare key nearby in the room in which you’re playing in addition to placing one in your pocket.

Pack a first aid kit
Very few Dom/mes I know actually carry a first aid kit. I’ve personally had to go ask a Dungeon Monitor for a bandaid once. Lesson learned! Carry a travel kit with your toy bag. At home, have a fully stocked, disaster made first aid kit handy. You’re purposely inflicting or receiving pain, sooner or later something may go wrong so best have these materials on hand as a just in case.

If you make a mistake or someone gets hurt, stay calm!
Don’t freak out, don’t ignore it, address the situation and if possible, move on. If someone does get injured in an unintentional way, acknowledge it. If they need medical attention, go get it! The embarrassment you may experience at the hospital explaining the injury is well worth it if it’s serious enough. You are two consenting adults and sometimes this happens.

Aftercare
Do aftercare. Here is a full article on it so I can spare you the lecture 😉

How do you set your scene? We’d love to hear about both your successes and failures along with how you handled the situation in the comments below!

anniebear is a submissive living in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

(Almost) Everything About Rope Bottoming

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Rope by Crocoduck. Photo by Photos of Midnight Revelry.
Rope by Crocoduck. Photo by Photos of Midnight Revelry.

There is more to rope bottoming than just “hanging out and getting tied.” The styles of rigging vary from person to person as well as the broader stroke ideologies and “schools of thought” behind it. With all of this information out there, it can be difficult to disseminate what’s an absolute necessity and what is a preference. However in matters of safety, there are specific rules that should be absolutes across all planes. (though often they do get ignored). The language in this article will be fairly rudimentary to allow those who may be new to rope a better understanding. I hope those riggers out there will contribute their tid-bits in the comments section! First, let us start with some rope bottoming misconceptions.

1. You must always tie naked. If a rope Top tells you this then you should head for the hills and never look back. Yes there are advantages to tying in the nude, but they do not outweigh your comfort and hygienic safety. If you’re tying completely naked with someone, then you better hope they have washed their rope since the last partner if it is being placed, say between your legs. Personally, I usually tie with just a pair of panties on. It is true that underwire bras can get in the way and potentially hurt you if the rope sits a particular way. But wearing a non-underwire bra works as well. Avoid bras with padding. In general, avoid undergarments that have a lot of adornments such as beads or jewels as these can also cut or poke you.

2. Only flexible people make good rope bottoms. I used to think this myself. You see all of these fabulous photos of men and women twisted up like pretzels and think that that’s what rope is all about. This is one incredible element in a large array of options with rope. I would challenge that there is a safe tie out there for every person imaginable. But, I also urge anyone who seriously would like to rope bottom on a regular basis to stretch regularly, explore exercise such as pilates or yoga, and to only assume positions within rope that are comfortable and attainable to you and your current physical condition. That’s not to say you cannot push yourself but flexibility comes with time and practice.

3. Only males make good riggers (rope Tops) and females good rope bottoms. To this I say HOGWASH! There are many well established and talented female riggers, it just so happens that there are many more males that happen to have an interest in rope. Any gender can play and practice either role. You do not have to be incredibly strong to be a successful rigger, though general good health and strength do help.

4. Rope play is not dangerous. On the contrary, there are many more silent hazards in rope play than almost any other form of BDSM. This means injuries may not present themselves immediately. If compared to other forms of BDSM, if someone canes you in the wrong place, you can usually tell right away. If a flogger wraps and hits you in a tender spot, the pain (not the good kind) is immediate. Rope can be a silent “killer” if you will. I’ll cover some of that later in this article.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I’d like to cover rope and safety. As with many other areas of kink, it can often be difficult to tell if a potential rope partner is proficient or not. That’s not to say you should avoid people who are new to practicing rope, rather you should discuss with your potential partner exactly what they have in mind for the ties. If you have just met someone for the first time and they want to suspend you; the act of tying you in such a fashion that you are literally suspended mid-air, as exciting as that may be, I’d highly advise you to try something more “stable.”

You will want to negotiate and use safe words with rope play and take it just as seriously as if you were going to be bull whipped. Make sure to clearly state where on your body you are comfortable with your partner touching with hands OR rope. There are many erotic ties that involve going between the legs and also across or around the breasts and nipples.

One version of a crotch rope tie. Rope by Master K, photo by -Knots-master-.
One version of a crotch rope tie. Rope by Master K, photo by -Knots-master-.

I highly recommend you request to not have rope tied completely around your neck. Opt for either in a “halter” style similar to a halter tank top or no rope near the neck for a first time partner. Ask your partner how long they have been tying, if they’ve attended any formal classes or had any training and with whom. Take into consideration that once you are tied, there may be little to no mobility or movement on your part. You must trust that your partner will not take liberties upon you in this circumstance.

Similarly, this floor work was done seated and upright. This also has the example of a "halter" tie which comes on either side of the neck. Rope and photo by Rope_Daddy
Similarly, this floor work was done seated and upright. This also has the example of a “halter” tie which comes on either side of the neck. Rope and photo by Rope_Daddy

The most common and safe form of rope play is “floor work.” This means you as the bottom will stay on the floor sitting, squatting, laying, half laying, etc. during the entire session while being tied. Do not be mistaken, this can be a very exciting and similarly dangerous form of play, however, the risks are significantly diminished due to the fact that your body is not flying mid-air. If you would like to be extra cautious with a new partner, ask them to do an introductory tie involving only the upper half of your body while you are seated. This is a great “warm up” while you get to know one another.

"Floor work" on an elevated surface. This is just as exciting and erotic as any suspension. Photo and rope by Rope_Daddy
“Floor work” on an elevated surface. This is just as exciting and erotic as any suspension. Photo and rope by Rope_Daddy

And back to the suspension we were really excited and turned on about doing: the threshold for injury increases about 1000% (lots of science is involved in this statistic 😉 once you take the rope from the floor to the air. I could write paragraph upon paragraph about the dangers of suspension but the most common injuries occurring from actual documented suspensions gone wrong include:

Dislocated joints
Permanent back damage/pain
Torn ligaments
Nerve damage
Broken bones
Fainting
Permanent numbness of various limbs and extremities
Head trauma (if the ties should fail and you fall)
Paralysis (temporary or permanent)
Asphyxiation (getting strangled to death)

If you would like me to provide the actual documentation for theses cases, feel free to ask in the comments or email us. This is not a complete list but rather some of the more severe highlights that can result form both experienced and inexperienced riggers attempting suspension. It’s safe to say that suspension should only be attempted under optimal circumstances including but not limited to:

-Proper suspension points that have been tested immediately prior to the suspension
-One or more additional persons besides the rigger
-Rope in good condition. Each rigger is very specific about rope, but suffice it to say the rope should not be old and frayed. It needs to be strong enough to hold a human being
-A “crash pad” or soft surface or mat to place under the suspension area in the event the rigging should fail
-And on a personal note, suspensions should not be attempted if either party is heavily under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

If you are that adventure seeker that cannot resist but go out and find the first rigger willing to suspend you, (don’t actually do that but I can see why you might want to do that) fear not! There is a happy medium between the two. There is such a thing as a partial suspension. Usually this consists of the subject having their upper body or a limb (or two) tied up while the rest of the body maintains contact with the ground or surface. I’ve included some images in this article to assist in your understanding. There is still an amount of caution to be taken with these types of ties, but it is a good training ground for both Top and bottom who are interested in eventually moving to a full on suspension.

Partial suspension: my upper body and leg are tied to a suspension point above me. Rope by Crocoduck. Photo by Photos of Midnight Revelry.
Partial suspension: my upper body and leg are tied to a suspension point above me. Rope by Crocoduck. Photo by Photos of Midnight Revelry.

At any rate, I highly recommend both Tops and bottoms to seek out classes or one on one instruction if available in your area. The wealth of information you garner from other riggers (and also the mistakes you will hear about if folks are willing to share) will assist in you better understanding the joys and potential pitfalls of rope. Until then, be safe, go slowly, and have an open trust and communication with a potential Top/Dominant. Never let someone intimidate you into doing something out of your comfort zone.

For even more information on this complicated and complex subject visit this site that we really like.

Happy tying!

Changing Safewords

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goddessfae_25

So the rule of thumb is typically that it’s better to stick with the more widely known Safewords. In Southern California we use the “traffic light” safewords of green, yellow, and red. It may or may not be different in different parts of the country or internationally – however, since I didn’t research that I won’t presume to know.

First I will explain what (basically) these safewords mean in case any readers are newer to the scene. Green means the bottom is enjoying what’s happening. Now, you don’t hear “green” very often because typically if a bottom is really enjoying themselves they are just in the moment and perhaps all that’s coming out of their mouth are pleasurable moans, screams, etc. Red means the Top needs to stop whatever they are doing and check in with the bottom. It may mean there is one aspect of the scene that needs to stop or that the entire scene needs to end. Yellow has a more flexible meaning. To some it may mean don’t stop and check in – just lighten up on what you’re doing or switch to doing something else or use a different implement. It could, however, mean to others that they want a verbal check in from their Top – although they aren’t in as much distress as if they call red.

Now the reason I typically don’t recommend changing the safewords you use is for two reasons. One – if you keep changing them it will be harder to remember them in the moment you may need to use them. Two – if you are playing in a public play space then the DMs (Dungeon Monitors) will know what words to listen for in case they need to step in.
So let’s discuss the only time I suggest changing your safewords. Let me say first – if you decide to change them you NEED to let the DMs know and maybe even a few more people who may be around for your scene. If you call one and your Top doesn’t stop, you have people around who will know that and can step in if you need help.

Ok, so, in the 7ish years I have been playing I have only changed my safewords twice. Both for scenes that leaned heavily on role-play. In my case, interrogation role-play. The reason they were changed was to be able to call safewords while still staying in character and using words or techniques to maintain the scene itself.

Both scenes involved my Top trying to get information out of me. In both cases we also had several other people involved in the scene to various degrees of involvement. In one scene she was trying to extract a location. In this case we had one other person who was the only other person (besides me) that knew the “location” who was not directly involved in the physical aspects of the scene but was there the whole time. When I would “give in” and state a location, my Top would verify with the other person. If she stated that was not the location then the scene continued, however, the check in gave me a little break and also represented my “yellow”. If I gave a location and it checked out – that was my “red” and indicated that the scene was over. Basically that the interrogation “broke me”.
In the other example my Top was trying to get a “secret code” out of me. In this case I would give a password for my email. (Yes this was someone I was in a relationship with and trusted.) If I needed to “call yellow”, aka needed a break, I would give the wrong password. It gave me a few minutes while she attempted to use her phone to open my email. However, when I was ready to end the scene (aka red) I gave the correct password. Once she could open my email she knew I was calling the scene.

Yes I changed my password the next day.

I hope these examples made sense. If not, feel free to comment below with questions. The bottom line is that it’s better to stick to the universally recognized safewords. Only change them if you feel it will otherwise be a detriment to the scene and always make sure the DMs or others around you know what’s up.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Safety First!

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red flogger

Safety in this lifestyle comes in two varieties. The first regards safety when meeting for the first time from the Internet. The second concerns safety between scening partners.

Let us take the first, first! And since the submissive is the one at the “mercy” of the Dominant, this article is directed more to the submissives.

Reality check: you are statistically more likely to be killed in a random convenience store robbery than in meeting a total stranger offline — even from Craig’s List! One is more likely to be raped in a real-time encounter than from an Internet date. Picking up a stranger at a singles bar is riskier than meeting someone online. But do not let these figures make you complacent; there is danger lurking if you aren’t careful. If you follow these guidelines for offline safety – even though some might seem obvious — you should never fear an offline meeting again.

Never meet anyone without talking to them on the phone first – and in both directions. You call them, they call you. With cell phones, there can be no excuse for not talking. You would be surprised how many people meet after just a few e-mails or a series of computer or app chats. This should never be attempted — no matter how many excuses are given, no matter how powerful the real or imagined chemistry is. Remember, tying up someone is part of the BDSM culture. So know who is tying you up (or who you are tying up) before you proceed to play.

Your first offline meeting should be in the middle of day in a well-trafficked restaurant like a Denny’s. Denny’s (and I am not being paid to say this) is perfect. They are all over the place, are usually crowded (for added safety) and are inexpensive (so there is no pressure.) But, no matter what, trust your instincts. If you get a bad feeling for any reason, say “thanks for the pancakes”! (I know a submissive who met mass murderer John Edward Robinson – a/k/a “Slavemaster” – in a Kansas City diner, thought he was creepy, and did not go his “dungeon.” True story.) So, follow your intuition!

Finally, a “safe call” should be pre-arranged with a friend. The basic “safe call” is a phone call that your friend is expecting at the time of your meeting. Your friend should know where you are meeting. You should have worked out some simple code words — something like, “I’ll be back on time” to indicate you are fine. Anything with “Houston” in it – as in “Houston, we have a problem” – should alert your friend that something is seriously wrong. The safe call is very important. Never cut corners with regard to it, no matter how many great offline meetings you might have had in the past. “Houston” will rarely, if ever, be needed; but if it is, you will be glad there is a friend out there to help you. If you are meeting for first-time BDSM play, ideally it should be in a reputable dungeon. There, the owners have your safety in mind and you can play knowing there are “Dungeon Monitors” watching the scene so it does not get out of hand.

Now, onto the second aspect of safety: that between scene partners. Although you likely already know these precautions, it’s worth repeating. Whether it is flogging, paddling, caning, bondage, rope play, hot wax or any number of activities, one should first negotiate the scene with the Top being made aware of what the bottom’s limits are. That established, a “safe word” and a “safe signal” should be agreed upon. If a prospective Dominant says, “I never use safe words,” be wary. Check him/her out carefully.

It should be noted there might be times — most often when in subspace — that the submissive is unable to utter the safe word or use the safe signal. It is at this point where the Dominant should err on the side of caution; do not continue flailing away because you hear no safe word or see no safe signal. Ultimately it is the Dom/me’s responsibility for the submissive’s safety. And to insure the sub’s mental safety, the Dominant should not skip aftercare.

Just because you have heard these admonitions a thousand times, reading them one more time can’t hurt. Remember, the BDSM mantra is Safe, Sane and Consensual. Notice the words “safe” comes first!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Protection

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busted

No, this article isn’t about condoms or the Mafia protection racket. But, for a few of you, this could be one of the most important articles about BDSM you will ever read. Hyperbole, you ask? Maybe – but it could save you incredible expense and even jail time.

This headline was featured in the September 21, 2016 New York Post —

“Authorities picked up a kinky Soho couple Wednesday for extradition to Utah to face charges that they forced a brunette beauty into a S&M threesome in their hotel room while they were in town for the Sundance Film Festival.
Anne Harcastle, 27, and Michael Taylor, 45, have been held in jail since their Sept. 9 arrest for allegedly raping the 23-year-old woman. The lovebirds appeared in Manhattan Criminal Court separately and will take different flights to Utah, law-enforcement sources said.”

Note that these people might very well be innocent. They are, in point of fact, innocent until proven guilty. However, even if guiltless, they face significant legal fees to beat the rap, stiff civil fines and the possibility they could spend time in jail. (Obviously, if guilty, they deserve serious prison time.)

Since we do not know the particulars of this case, let us use this unfortunate incident (for at least some of the participants) for what is often called a “teachable moment.”

I have observed three innocent BDSM-oriented situations that could lead to this kind of disaster. But it is a calamity that can easily be prevented. Let’s examine these three scenarios; afterward, I will give you an effective way to “inoculate yourself.”

1. “Buyer’s remorse.” Here a newbie submissive/bottom interested in BDSM meets a Dom/Domme (off Craig’s List?) and agrees to play with him/her for the first time. After some heavy spanking and flogging, all seems well. Aftercare in place. The submissive goes home seemingly happy. Two days later, what were light markings turn black and blue. The pain increases. “This is not what I signed up for.” Enter a lawyer – or even police – when the submissive claims abuse. And there are marks to prove it. What should you have done to protect yourself? The answer — after the third scenario.

2. “Hell hath no fury…” After what appears to the sub to be a bonding S&M encounter, with whips and canes, the Top never calls – or even texts — the bottom again. “I gave him/her my body to use and he/she rejects me? I’ll show him/her.” Once again, armed with serious markings, the bottom is on the warpath. Poor Top. He/she is likely sunk.

3. “I thought I would like it.” The bottom in this case has no idea what to expect; “Fifty Shades of Grey” is her/his sole source of BDSM information. Even if given a safe word, he/she might not be skilled enough to use it. The flogging – and possibly sex – are exciting but go way past what she had envisioned. Next day, the bottom is in pain and thinks she really didn’t agree to all this. Once again, the sue-happy lawyers and the arrest- happy police make their unwelcomed entrance stage right.

So, could these legal/police endings – in these or similar situations — have been prevented? Assuming all these scenes were consensual, the answer usually is, “Yes!”

The key is that one must have evidence that these scenes were, in fact, consensual. In the pre-camera phone days, one needed to have the submissive sign a consensuality agreement complete with driver’s license information. But now, with iPhones, it is much easier.

Simply video the bottom stating that you are all friends and everything you are planning to do – including sex if that is on the program — is completely consensual. Have her/him hold up a driver’s license and you are good to go. If the bottom refuses, then you must make your decision whether to continue on or not. That is your call; but you have no protection. (If you are playing in a dungeon, the presence of witnesses would likely make this step unnecessary. We are discussing private play here. However, if you are a heavy player with a newbie, you might want to be doubly safe and take a quick consent video.)

Legally, one cannot consent to being beaten; and there are some conservative jurisdictions that might not accept a “consent defense.” Still, an agreement such as this “visual consent form” will likely stop all proceedings in its tracks. At the very least, you will “have a leg to stand on,” in pop legalize.

Usually, if the Top practices safe, sane and consensual BDSM, these problems will never arise. But, in the words of the Mafia boss in Martin Scorcese’s Casino, “Why take a chance?”

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Stepping on Landmines

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heart love stones in the quarry

Trigger warning: This article is about triggers. If this triggers you, please be advised and continue with caution.
“Trigger” is a word that is used to cover many types and severities of things that may come up during a scene on a psychological or emotional level. The tough part is that much of the time we don’t know what triggers we have until they are activated. Obviously if you know you have a trigger (or triggers) you should be communicating that with your partner.

Can Tops/D-types be triggered as well? Absolutely. It is important for both people – or all people – involved in a scene to disclose triggers that they know they have.

So let’s talk about those ones we didn’t realize were there. Those “landmines” we step on or that get stepped on that we weren’t prepared for. How they are dealt with depends on the severity of the trigger. There is a spectrum all the way from something that conjures up feelings of anger or annoyance – and not in a sexy primal way – to true PTSD, panic attack inducing triggers. Those that have the latter often get frustrated that there aren’t more words to describe triggers – since the difference in severity can be huge.

Some triggers are very minor and the person triggered can continue the scene with little to no disruption. I still would advise you discuss it with your partner after the scene – either within the same evening or a day or two after. No matter what, even if it was small, don’t leave it hanging. Your partner wants to know. An example may be perhaps they call you by a version of your name that only your parents use and it made you think of your parents in the middle of the scene and displaced your mind set. Maybe they do something that reminds you of an ex (toxic) partner. The thing they do is harmless, yet it takes you back and triggers memories of a bad situation you were in.
There are triggers that are more severe. Your partner uses an implement that your father used to beat you with as a child as punishment. You smell a perfume that your best friend also wore – a friend that you lost to a tragic car accident. There are endless examples I could use. These may require you to pause or stop the scene. Perhaps after a break you can continue the scene or begin a new scene. Use the time to let your partner know what was triggered and why. As the person who triggered them – listen to them, get them water, hold them if they need that, let them sit alone for a few minutes or take a breath outside if they need that instead. Assure them that you are not the person they associated the trigger with and that you will not repeat whatever prompted the trigger.

Then there are those triggers that cause a panic attack or severe anxiety. Perhaps your partner is a veteran and someone cracks a whip near your scene which they hear as gunfire. (Yes a person can also be triggered by things happening around them – not only their partner directly.) Maybe you put your hand to their throat which takes them back to being raped and their assailant threatened to choke them to death. Severe trauma triggers can be extremely scary – for all involved, including people surrounding your scene. The person triggered may go into an emotional outburst – crying, screaming, and/or fighting. They may start to hyperventilate or do things that can cause bodily harm to themselves or those close by. DON’T leave them alone – but do call out for someone nearby to get a DM. Many DMs will have some medical training or can at least help you to make sure people don’t get hurt – including your partner. Once they are settled enough and know where they are (sometimes they will be mentally back in that battlefield or fighting for their life and forget where they are and that they are safe) make sure they have water and maybe some food. Assess as best you can what they need. Make eye contact and assure them of who you are and that they are safe. They may need to walk outside for fresh air – go with them. If they need alone time – still make sure you can keep an eye on them. Your first priority is making sure they are safe and can get back to center emotionally and psychologically. They may or may not be ready to talk about it. You may also need to help them though the secondary embarrassment of what they’ve just displayed in a public setting. Obviously if you are doing private play this doesn’t apply. Eventually talk about it – it may be a couple days. Check in with them every day – more than once. If they have a therapist they may need to make an appointment. If they don’t have one they may want to find one. Some triggers are severe enough that they need a professional. This doesn’t mean you stop being there as a friend/play partner/lover/life partner, etc. Be a safe place for them.

I hope you never need this information, or at least not often. What we do involves risk – even the “safest” play can trigger some deep wounds. If you were the one that triggered the other person don’t blame yourself. You didn’t know you were stepping on a landmine. Take care of yourself as well. Have a trusted friend or mentor that you can debrief with too.

Triggers happen. Do your best to take care of each other and remember that the trigger is not representative of the scene or the relationship.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.