It’s so important to be safe when playing!
Click below to learn useful BDSM safety tips from the amazing Evie!
BDSM articles ideas bondage erotica resource
It’s so important to be safe when playing!
Click below to learn useful BDSM safety tips from the amazing Evie!
Want to learn how to better discipline your submissive?
Then, check out this amazing video by the fabulous Evie Lupine!
I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!
As we all know, one of the composite phrases in the acronym, BDSM, is B&D: Bondage and Discipline. In this context, discipline is defined as actions that are applied to the submissive, while the submissive is bound and incapable to resist. Discipline could be impact play, humiliation, chores, etc. Urban Dictionary has a reasonable definition for B&D: “used in reference to practices involving physical restraint and punishment”
Of course, “Discipline” has other meanings, both within, and outside of the context of B&D. The Oxford definition has several, two of which are particularly pertinent to this discussion. The first is also often thought of in a BDSM context: “The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.” The second interpretation offered by Oxford hits home for me in a big way: “Training oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way”.
In a sense, the subtle differences between these two definitions harken back to my discussion on the different viewpoints people have on submission: That submission is either the passive or active role. There are those who feel that submission is about having things done TO you by a dominant, whereas others (like myself) prefer to think of submission as being dedicated to doing things FOR a dominant that the dominant feels is FOR them. In the first, submission is passive: Things are done to you. In the second, submission is active: You are doing things for the dominant.
In this same way, the first definition of discipline is about doing TO the submissive. The submissive is the recipient of training; the recipient of punishment and adjustment. The goal of this discipline is obedience, as defined by the dominant. The dominant is the one doing the discipline…the sub is accepting it. This is what many people think of as submission. The goal of the submissive is to ACCEPT the discipline and adjust their behavior.
The second definition is focused on the submissives themselves. The submissive is structuring their own behavior to act in a specific way. They are providing and generating the energy required to enforce their own desired traits. They are motivated by an “ideal behavior”.
For those who have talked to me, read my books, or read my articles here in KinkWeekly, you already know that my preference is for subs to be self-disciplined. Self-discipline, in a power dynamic as a submissive, implies that the ideal behavior to which you are aspiring, is known to serve the dominant the way the dominant prefers to be served. The dominant sets and communications the ideal, the submissive works to achieve it.
This is very different than having discipline thrust upon you. When you are “trained to obey”, your behavior is motivated by the consequences of not obeying. The discipline is manifested in the form of punishment and behavior modification. Contrast this to self-discipline, in which the dominant communicates desired behavior and the submissive chooses to structure themselves to deliver against that specification, motivated by their desire to serve the dominant in the best way they can.
To me, this is fundamentally the difference between “Submission” and “Acquiescence”. Read my article on this subject, or my books, for more information about this distinction.
So, when a sub boasts about how much they can accept, absorb, or endure…when they talk about punishment and the need for restriction in order to remain focused on serving – I quickly lose interest. I have no interest in manipulating submission. My interest is in defining submission clearly, so that my submissives can provide the self-discipline needed to fulfill their need to submit to me.
A sub who demonstrates discipline is far more valuable to me than one who accepts discipline. If you’re a dominant and feel the same way, communicate that to your submissives. Change the way they think of submission. If you’re a submissive, consider that your dominant may prefer you to be more self disciplined…and may not have even thought it “proper” to ask it. I strongly recommend that you use these definitions as a discussion-point to help you further define your power dynamic with your partners. It’s one of many steps on the road to mutual fulfillment!
Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com
Even as some states are lifting lockdown restrictions, there are some digital aspects of the pandemic I hope stick around. Telegram has been an awesome way to connect my local community, and this time has spawned a web of chat rooms with a variety of subject focuses, as well as chats for various local groups to just talk about their day or discuss random kink topics. Additionally, while there is no substitute for trying things in person, I have attended some truly excellent kink educational events via Zoom over the past year. For classes ranging from consent and negotiations to first aid for BDSM, all the way to a class on face needles, the Zoom camera gave me access to a much better view of some of the up-close details I wasn’t often able to see when attending class in a dungeon. Additionally, it has meant I could attend classes held in other communities with the click of a button, despite being hundreds of miles away.
Unfortunately, these new accounts and technological connections also give additional opportunities for kinksters to slip up and disclose more personal information than intended. My goal is to help walk y’all through some small privacy precautions that will hopefully keep you from flashing full names to the kink world at large.
I often see newcomers join Telegram making a couple of key mistakes. The first is using their name rather than choosing a screen name. The “name” option is your display name, not the @tag people will use to search you. If you plan to use it for vanilla purposes, you can choose something innocuous. If not, I suggest disabling search functions so contacts in your phone who are already users of Telegram or who join later won’t run across your kinky self chatting up a storm.
So here’s how. Under settings, go to the “privacy and security” tab. Under phone number, check “Nobody” can see you and only people you add to Telegram as contacts can search you that way. Under the main tab, turn off the function to sync contacts from your phone, as well as the one to suggest frequent contacts. I also advise selecting the option to delete already synced contacts if it has done this without you realizing it. For phones, you can edit your display name by clicking the three dots on an Android phone. Choose a display name that isn’t your vanilla first and last name. As an additional suggestion, consider listing your preferred pronouns.
For Zoom, prior to joining a meeting, make sure any identifying information you don’t want to share is edited first. To change your display name from your full legal name, go to the “My Account” tab. Click on “edit” and change your name. IMPORTANT: Don’t forget to change it back. My family knows what I do for a living and wouldn’t blink an eye if I joined a chat as Christmas bunny, but if my fet name were 69slutpuddle69, I suspect my family might have something to say. My employer might have even more to say.
Alternatively, have a separate kink email address and Zoom account that you log into for kink events. Again, don’t forget to log out, or just make sure not to click the check box asking if you want to stay logged in. It requires thought and consideration to protect yourself digitally. While mistakes can happen, it is important to be deliberate and careful if you want to avoid accidentally outing yourself.
When I host Zoom events for kinksters, I always watch the waiting room tab so that if someone forgets, I can edit their name for them to an innocuous first initial. You can usually edit your own name during a Zoom meeting my clicking on the three options dots on the right hand corner of your own video screen, or through the participants window when it is pulled up.
Unfortunately, not everyone who hosts a meeting will have experience doing so, and the delay in response time means more minutes passing with your full name exposed to people you didn’t intend to share that with.
Please, please, please take the time to learn how to be safer online, whether or not these digital mediums continue to flourish in the future.
Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.
India gets its first legal sex shop!
Click below to learn more from Outlook!
Pastry chef turned Dominatrix?
Click below to find out more of her story with Daily Star!
It’s so imperative that people know the difference between BDSM and abuse. The two are quite different.
BDSM always involves consent. Abuse involves unwanted, non-consensual behavior.
Click below to read more from The Conversation!
Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”
This week Shireen Khalil writes about Sherry Lever, a 69 year old, thriving Dominatrix.
It’s true that age is just a number!
Click below to read more of Sherry’s riveting story!
BDSM has gotten more exposure over the years.
Whether you like the show or not, the Netflix show, Bonding is bringing BDSM and sex work more into the public eye.
With this being said, Showbiz CheatSheet, exposes the inner workings of this series.
Click below to find out more!
yahoo lifestyle! reports that BDSM is the most popular kink with folks over 60.
BDSM is definitely not reserved for the youngsters! Anyone and everyone is welcome!
Click below to read more about these intriguing findings!
Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”
Webster’s defines “oxymoron” as “a combination of contradictory or incongruous words”. Examples include such things as original copy, freezer burn, genuine fake, quiet roar, controlled chaos, silent scream, terribly good, passive aggressive, random order, and jumbo shrimp (some would put military intelligence in there as well).
And then there’s “nonconsenual consent”. What the hell does that mean? isn’t it dangerous? How can that possibly be safe, sane, and… ehrrr… consensual?
The simplest answer is that nonconsensual consent is, essentially, rape play (another oxymoron). It’s where you and a partner engage in a scene that mimics a sexual assault… within the parameters you both set.
Now let’s set this out at the beginning; this is a potentially dangerous and dark corner of BDSM that isn’t for everyone and, even for those it is, shouldn’t be entered into lightly. It’s been my experience that many gals who claim they’re looking for rape play have actually been raped; engaging in a controlled, pretend form of it could well be cathartic, or it could be horribly disastrous.
It’s certainly advanced play and definitely a deep end you shouldn’t jump into during your learning period of the scene. It also requires (typically long-term) partners who understand and intuit each other very well, as often the scene will go beyond simple negotiations, into areas and feelings you may not have been able to initially comprehend.
All parties involved need to have a deep understanding and comprehension of, and be very good at “reading”, each other. This is particularly important for the top (the rape-er) with regards to the bottom (the rape-ee).
You really can’t engage in too much preparation, as nonsensual consent isn’t something to be entered into lightly. If a scene goes south it can get very ugly very quickly. It’s not like hitting someone in the wrong spot; this can leave seriously psychological damage if done improperly.
Not that this sort of scene necessarily involve only two people. Indeed, if the bottom wants to be truly physically subdued while they’re fighting back, then at least two tops need to be involved.
It’s important to discuss ahead of time what each of you is hoping to achieve from the scene, emotionally and physically. And it’s perhaps even more important to have a safe word or gesture in place should things get too intense. Because it’s been my experience that they can become very, very intense.
Also, since roughly 70-80% of women have actually been raped to some degree, it’s vitally important to be aware of any triggers which may be present, and avoid them at all costs.
And this brings us to the rules, of which there aren’t any, at least ones that are set in stone. Some won’t want their face slapped, others will. Some won’t want a knife involved, others will want to be cut. Some won’t want physical violence, others will relish the pain and resulting bruises.
Then there’s what the top is looking for. Some will enjoy physically restraining someone who’s fighting back, others won’t. Some will want a bottom who’s fighting back, others will want a more passive victim. Some will enjoy name calling, others will prefer to be more genteel (at least as genteel as a pretend-rapist can be I suppose).
As mentioned, scenes can be as simple as a one-on-one between two partners, all the way to a full-on abduction, where the bottom is grabbed off the street, trussed up in a filthy van, and dragged away to an unknown location to have who-knows-what done to them (said who-knows-what having been negotiated ahead of time).
It should be added that the latter sort of scene requires a tremendous amount of planning with skilled, experienced tops. At its most basic level, you don’t want to be seen abducting someone in broad daylight, as most citizens will tend to dial 911. And explaining things to the police will harsh your buzz pretty quick.
Myself, I’ve only engaged in this sort of scene a handful of times, having found that it’s an itch that can be scratched relatively easily. Still, they were all very intense and satisfying, for both parties involved. They all tended to be of a type, one of which I can share as an example.
The victim, a gal I had been intimate with for some small time, agreed to be wrapped securely and inescapably in large amounts of duct tape, over clothing which was no longer terribly viable; indeed, it needed to be tossed out. Since neither of us cared for the wrestle-someone-into-bondage scenario, we agreed that she’d wake up already bound and gagged.
Enter myself, the villian. Armed only with a pair of scissors I was to cut her clothing off such that she’d be sexually available while still keeping her securely bound & gagged. And this I did do with great gusto. I took special pains to ensure that when I grabbed her shirt and bra to cut them off, I also grabbed her nipple by “accident” and pretended I was going to cut it off as well. She later admitted that she’d almost safe worded here, she was so terrified.
She, of course, fought back as best she could, but I’d tied her so she couldn’t engage in very much of that. Still, a lot of wrestling was involved; we both got pretty good workouts. There wasn’t much clothing left that wasn’t attached to duct tape.
In the end I cut off enough of her pants and undies such that I had full availability of her lady parts which, unlike in an actual rape, were extremely well lubricated. For the record, it is entirely possible to enter a lady whose legs are tied if you pull her knees towards her chest and come in from behind.
After, releasing her took very little time, as duct tape is easy to cut off, and it was mostly attached to her clothing. We had both found it very satisfying, if exhausting.
Of course, what tripped our triggers may leave you cold. Only you and a willing partner(s) can decide what you’re looking for, if this is even something you’re interested in. I certainly don’t recommend it for everyone and it shouldn’t necessarily be on your kinky bucket list.
Still, if it’s something you might find intriguing, find a partner, do your research, get to know each other, and perhaps give it a go. But be careful! This is not the sort of scene that is terriby forgiving should things go south.
PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.
We at Kink Weekly believe everything should ALWAYS be consensual including the sharing of intimate images.
In Ireland, Justice Minister Helen McEntee seeks to crimininalise the non-consensual sharing of such images often referred to as revenge porn.
She is specifically trying to enact the Harassment, Harmful Communications and Related Offences Bill, which hopefully would help reduce this non-consensual behavior.
Click below to read more from UT news!
During the pandemic, sex workers have had to find new avenues to keep their businesses running.
Because of this, erotica humiliation and financial domination have soared on Tik Tok. These submissive clients are often referred to as “pay pigs.”
Click below to read more about this from I-D!
In need of a new podcast?
Then, check out From Tops To Bottoms that explores feminism, BDSM, sexuality, and so much more!
On this show, the hosts share their personal experiences to give listeners a better understanding of such broad, often misunderstood/misrepresented topics.
Click below to read more from thebeijinger!
Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”
Want to know more about Impact Play?
Interested in honing your domination skills?
Curious about Topping?
Then, check out this informative video by Depraved Eros!
This week he gives a practical step by step guide on impact and the art of Domination!
Click below to learn more!
Interested in humiliation play?
Want to know more about how to do this kind of play ethically and consensually?
Then, tune into this informative video that will give you all kinds of great humiliation play ideas and advice!