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This week in kink: September 27, 2021
Woman uses man as a chair in viral video!
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Pro Domme tells couples when to have sex!
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PsyPost says that kinksters have higher pain thresholds!
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Commentary On Old Guard vs. New Guard
Recently I posted a short article in eight differing kink groups online regarding an old meme I noticed several years ago. The meme was effectively a reminder list for dominants, a cheat sheet if you will, of things to do and remember.
For simplicity, I am including what I wrote here:
“There is Always Something to Be Learned: Even from Things We Don’t Agree With
I saw a post a while back about a ‘Dominant’s Cheat Sheet.’ Basically, ten reminders for Dominants to themselves. Although the list itself was unremarkable, the comments following really struck me. Specifically, the amount of negativity toward it. Referring to much of the list as abusive or for fakes.
It seemed as if most, didn’t get past #1 on the list, ‘In general, submissive only speaks when spoken to.’
Now I agree that this is an overgeneralization. However, since this is a thinking persons page….lets think about why and when that might actually be useful or helpful in certain situations.
– When a submissive is having a hard time listening and needs to learn not to interrupt.
– When a submissive might be prone to angry outbursts or over reactions.
– When a submissive tends to speak before they think and needs to learn the process is the other way around.
While none of these would be permanent, neither is any particular list. We change and grow over time. We do so by keeping an open mind and taking time to reflect on what we are seeing/reading and deciding not just if something is useful or not, but if it could be useful and when.
I said that I think not many people read past item number one on the list because there are several items on it, which can be very useful to a Dominant.
For example, #5, ‘A Submissive needs to feel the tug of your proverbial leash. Find ways that work for you.’ Would a submissive want to be with you if they weren’t drawn to the potential of your control? Isn’t this speaking to the foundation of a power exchange?
Or #6, ‘Acknowledge daily to your submissive their role beneath you by telling them in some way they are doing things you want.’ Providing acknowledgement of what the submissive has done, is recognizing their efforts. Showing the Dominant has noticed and is paying attention. I am not sure I see how this is a negative in a dynamic. Reinforcing positive behaviors, ie accomplishing tasks, is a foundational principle.
Or how about #10, ‘Being strict is welcomed.’ Of course, this is not everyone’s idea of utopia, but is a Dominant really dominant if they are not consistent in their actions and enforcement of the rules agreed upon? What kind of Dominant would they really be if not consistent? Wishy washy inconsistency often leads to problems, confusing expectations, and eventually dashed hopes.
Even though these examples can easily be applied in a positive light, there are many comments on the thread stating that, in effect, any Dominant who subscribed to this list, is no real Dominant.
Not everyone is the same, obviously, so we are not going to read things the same way. However, there are often gems hiding in places we least expect them, if we only take the time to look for them.”
⁃ The Reactions
After posting that article I figured I would get many of the same detractors from the original cheat sheet who got hung up on item #1.
But that didn’t happen. If fact the opposite happened, those older and who have been in kink for quite some time came out of the woodwork. Many of them opining about the lack of understanding and acceptance of what they considered deeper dominance and submission.
Even though their backgrounds in kink varied from M/s to Leather to self-professed kinky tops and bottoms, the theme of their reactions were similar. Here are a couple of examples.
Priest Zen wrote:
“The online community, in most parts, are full of crap. They are demanding the water down romantic version of BDSM is the only true BDSM. Any high protocol, high etiquette BDSM style they call abusive and fake Doms. They have taken the idea that a submissive has all to power to create a dynamic when the s/type completely tops from the bottom. The dom (small d intentional) is serving the Sub (cap S intentional) for Her (cap H intentional) fantasies. And, then the dom is blamed for when those fantasies aren’t met.” Reprinted with permission from Priest Zen.
And intellectualdady replied:
“Well said…what I’ve noticed increasingly over the last 5 years since I’ve been back in the lifestyle is most who participate in groups such as this or on fetlife see bdsm and the lifestyle as purely kinky sex. Not a lifestyle. Not power exchange outside of the bedroom. That a submissive is someone into the more tame aspects of playing. A slave is one who is into the more extreme aspects. A Dominant is one who is more of a middle ground and a Master is someone who is someone into bossing others around as well as into the more extreme forms of playing.
There’s a HUGE divide between what’s traditionally been taught and what is now taught. Same with what’s accepted and what isn’t.
With all of this in context there’s no wonder why there was so much negativity on that post.
Everyone has their own definition for everything as well as their own way of doing things so like Master arcane and a number of other leaders have consistently talked about ‘until more experienced members of the community start stepping up, taking the lead, guiding, correcting, and teaching along with creating websites as well as content then things will continue moving in this direction. The older generation of 40-70+ have dropped the ball in a way and it’s time they picked it up.’
Thank you for posting this and adding the thoughtful introspection questions with each number. Hopefully this helps others think and learn more.” Reprinted with permission from intellectualdady
⁃ They Got Me Thinking
I replied to most of them and in that repetitive process it got me thinking more deeply about the subject. All those opposed to the cheat sheet vs. all those replies to my article.
Yes there is a lack of understanding by a great many in the younger generations. A lack of appreciation that speaks to a road untraveled. But why have not more of the newer generations set off on that deeper path?
I think that many, have no idea. That there is a notion of a BDSM lite ascribed to out of both naivety and for others, fear.
With that being said, most of those are simply kinksters, tops and bottoms (if that), who dabble at the edge of D/s. Fine, whatever floats their boat.
The detractors within those ranks are the ones who will never fully understand dominance and submission because they, IMO, are not really open to it. Therefore, rebel against it even as they in the same breath call themselves, “lifestyler.” This is what I think rankles many long-time kinky people who have lived it not just as something fun to do, but as a core part of their being.
For many newer to kink, within the last fifteen years, I think it scares the hell out of them. The notion of actually having complete control over another… or giving up complete control, once they understand what that really means. Taking or giving a great amount of control requires a significant amount of self-confidence. The ability to set doubt aside. To set blame aside in seeking a simple truth. “What can I become?”
Circling back I think this is why BDSM lite has become prevalent. Many of the newer generations are trying to fit themselves, square pegs into a lifestyle many of the older generation know differently, a round hole. Obviously not working for them. So instead of walking away with an understanding, “I don’t fit,” the newer have created a space where the square pegs belong.
To compound the issue, I am not sure any amount of teaching or access to information would change that for them. The transformational aspect of kink is in the hands on. Seeing a master at work with their slave; being present during a scene where partners lose each other in each other; watching a healthy D/s over time headed by a mentor so the intimate details which cannot be taught are experienced; not to mention actually performing under the guidance of a mentor and being critiqued for it. How could the square pegs begin to know without that?
There simply is not enough access to mentors for the newer generations to accomplish a widespread hands on approach.
⁃ Is this New Iteration a Bad Thing?
I don’t think so.
Wait! Before you pull out your pitchforks!!! I am not ascribing to a bunch of that weak ass noise or platitudes which normally accompany a statement like this. Stick with me, you’ve read this far.
I do not think the new iteration is a bad thing because they have the numbers us old farts never did and never will. Public policy is a numbers game. So far on that front we have been losing badly. Yet, there could be hope.
If we, the older generations, quit fighting against a group who is not like us and likely most never will be, embrace them and learn to work with them….. maybe, just maybe we can create a bridge to the vanilla world which can help shift public policy more in our favor.
Granted this is not something that will get done in the next 10 years, but 15 to 20 could be a real possibility. The older generation learns to work more closely with the newer now. In turn as they newer age they talk to more brand-new people, their vanilla friends, and others. Over time kink may become more acceptable in the public eye.
⁃ Moving Forward
Yeah but! What about core values, ethics, safety and all those other good and awesome things? We preserve as much as we can moving forward. Likely, that will be more successful if we are all pulling the same direction. Willingly mentoring, publishing, posting in groups, and elsewise shepherding as many as we can in whatever the newer folks are willing to learn.
It hurts my heart knowing certain traditions will fade with time. It really does. It also pains me seeing our counterculture become more mainstream. Yet, unless it does, we will not win the public policy fight.
We cannot have it both ways.
With freedom comes risk. We either risk our individual freedom by practicing the taboo, or we risk our community and traditions by freely bridging the gap.
Whichever we choose, we must choose, and soon. Otherwise, the world will decide for us.
That, is no freedom at all.
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This week in kink: September 20, 2021
Learn about a leather event put on by a Berlin church!
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The Case Of Trevor Bauer
In our world, a lot can go wrong if we are not very careful. Trevor Bauer, professional baseball player, is currently finding this out. Pending the outcome of a restraining order hearing in LA Superior Court and potential criminal charges, the outlook does not get much worse. All over a series of potential kink encounters gone wrong.
Before I go any further, this is not about his potential innocence or guilt. Or the voracity of the claims of his accuser. It is looking at the overall circumstances which potentially led to this point from the lens of kink. I was not there and do not know all the facts. Likely the real truth will never see the light of day. Bystanders like us are left to speculate what may have happened. Which I am not doing either.
What this article will examine some of the potential failure points as IF this was a kink encounter gone bad and what might have been done to prevent things going as they did.
- Just the Facts Ma’am
There is no one news story, article, or piece of court document which gives us a very good picture of what transpired. But after reading over fifty differing accounts of the court testimony and other sources a pattern begins to emerge where their stories match up. These are what I am hanging my hat on.
- There were only two encounters between the two of them both at Bauer’s residence.
- The two of them texted extensively and that during these exchanges “rough sex” was discussed at length to which they both indicated they were into.
- At some point in time a discussion on limits was had. Unknown what time or by what means the discussion took place. During these discussions his accuser did indicate some activities she was not comfortable with. We do not know what those are.
- The first encounter included rough sex as well as choking to the point of unconsciousness, fingers being shoved down her throat, impact by hand without bruising, and vaginal and anal sex. The latter possibly by force while she was unconscious.
- That when she regained consciousness, she asked him to stop, and he did.
- In between encounters she stated via text that she had never been more turned on than after their first encounter. This included her admission she liked “rough sex” and his statement that she probably did not like it as rough as he did. To which she replied, “Bring on the pain.”
- They agreed to meet a second time.
- The second encounter included rough sex as well as choking to the point of unconsciousness, impact by hand which included bruising, and vaginal and anal sex. The later possibly forced during the period of unconsciousness.
- That when she regained consciousness, she asked him to stop, and he did.
- That she incurred significant bruising as a result of the second encounter. She also experienced petechial hemorrhaging around the eyes and darkened gums potentially as a result of being choked.
- That they communicated via text after the second encounter during which she relayed images of the marks, bruising and hemorrhaging and he relayed his concern and offered support.
- That a day or so after the second encounter she sought medical assistance at an emergency room. During which the ER nurse administered a SART Examination (evidentiary examination for sexual assault) and notified law enforcement.
- Law enforcement did interview her. Law enforcement has not filed since charges or made an arrest on Bauer.
- Approximately a month later she filed for a protection order through the LA Superior Courts, Civil Division.
These lead me to believe they were engaged in kink; that they were both probably not very experienced; and the level of play did not match to the level of relationship or trust.
If so, where did it all go wrong and what are the failure points? What could they have done differently?
- In the Beginning Consent – Potential Criminal Liability (leaving the protective order issue aside)
Like most kink cases we have seen in the past Bauer is trying to argue these were consensual encounters and very possibly, given what we know, they were. But that does not matter one bit. As I have written in the past, consent as a legal defense regarding kink is a very iffy bet at best. Both regional and federal courts have ruled against consent as a defense in kink consistently.
Why?
Because it does not matter if the person receiving gave their consent as they cannot legally consent to a criminal act. In this case significant physical injury and forced penetration while unconscious. California has a specific law on the latter.
- Even Before Consent to the Act
What happened to not playing hard with people we barely know? Especially not Edge Play like choking. This more than anything else leads me to believe they are inexperienced players.
What is on display here is a wanton disregard or being completely naïve of practices we know help protect us from both severe physical harm and legal issues. I can see some lower-level negotiation before very light play and have no problem with it. Yet here, they went all in without any known trust bond or relationship.
That is not only reckless from a legal standpoint, but from a personal safety standpoint also.
What we do in kink is risky, so risk seeking is hard coded in the DNA for many of us. Yet this drive to find the next physical and emotional high through play needs to be tempered with some restraint and good judgement. More often than not, we see newer players lacking in these areas, because they are new, lacking that experience, and get caught up in a current sweeping them along.
We need to take a significant amount of time to vet and get to know a person fairly well if we are going to play heavy. There is not any substitute for it and the potential consequences of ignoring this step are national headlines today.
- The Marks of Passion
Whether we like it or not, they are evidence of a potential battery. As kinky people we do not view them this way, but the law does. Any time we leave a mark on someone, we have to be at peace with the potential consequences. If not, I would seriously advise against leaving any.
Bauer not only left marks but choked the accuser to the point where there was petechial hemorrhaging. Approximately 30 seconds of sustained pressure causes the blood vessels in the face to burst. This amount of force and time for the petechiae to develop puts the bottom in imminent risk of permanent physical harm. Law enforcement knows this and may charge Bauer accordingly as it could be viewed as attempted homicide or at the least a felony battery. The next 10 to 40 years of his life could be forfeit.
Not being able to hammer this point enough….. if you are going to play this hard, you better be able to trust your partner. Both ways. Not the, “I’ve known them for a few months,” kind of trust. The I would trust them with my life and raising my kids if I died kind.
If they are both inexperienced players as I suspect, Bauer and his accuser probably had no idea what they were getting into or they likely would not be where they are with this issue today.
Have a plan for seeking medical attention if needed. Seek out kink friendly professionals in your area who understand the marks they see, may not be abusive. Take the time to learn first aid, wound care, and more advanced medical aid appropriate to the type of play you are engaging in. If both of them were experienced, had a plan, and taken the time to train in how to deal with kink injuries….. perhaps this could have been avoided.
- It’s the Unseen Things Which Can Bite Us the Worst
If Bauer knew her medical history, it is currently unknown if he did. Perhaps he did not know enough to even ask. Here that history may have played a significant role. During the court hearing the nurse who administered the SART examination openly testified in court the accuser’s use of ibuprofen prior to the second encounter could have exacerbated the bruising. The accuser was also taking the prescription medications Lexapro and Gabapentin. These in combination are a serious cocktail and may have also contributed to the excessive bruising.
Lexapro is an antidepressant and anxiety medication. Not digging on anyone who needs it or uses it. But as a top I would want to dig a little bit on this to make sure the person I was playing with is ok enough to do so.
Gabapentin is used with other medications to prevent and control seizures. It is also used to relieve nerve pain in adults and is known as an anticonvulsant or antiepileptic drug. Knowing this I would be very hesitant to engage in heavy impact or choking/breath play. Regardless of why the accuser was taking the medication, they may be less likely to have a healthy pain response and unable to tell me the difference between the good pain (of impact play) and bad pain, to prevent seriously damaging them. Further, a restriction of oxygen could trigger a seizure.
Whether we like it or not, as tops we do have a responsibility to say no to play if we believe someone is not ready for the activities we want to engage in. Physically or mentally. Talking about medical history and medications is the only way to gain the needed information so we can make an informed decision. People involved in kink need to get past the embarrassment or secrecy they may hold regarding their personal information in this regard. It is for our own personal and collective safety.
- Where It All Ends Up
There is no way to tell at this point what the outcome of the protection order hearing will be let alone potential criminal charges for Bauer. When this article is published, at least one of those may have been decided. Hopefully, with the release of additional information we can learn more about the circumstances and use it to better protect ourselves.
In the meantime, please take this article for what it is, partly fact, and partly speculation. Both used to highlight potential legal and physical risks of play. I am not suggesting you should stop everything and go through your medicine cabinet or quit playing all together. Only that some of what we do has to be approached with real planning and thought; a bit of caution aided with a modicum of knowledge; and whole heap of covering your own ass before the fact.
Vetting; developing trust; understanding the kinks you are exercising and the risks; having an understanding of each others’ medical concerns, history, and medications; as well as having a plan for if play goes wrong are all key points we need to be aware of and practice.
If we do not, we are rolling a loaded pair of dice and the odds are against us.
Bauer rolled snake eyes.
News Stories and Relevant Links (unfortunately case transcripts are not available in full at this time)
Drug Interaction Checker – Find Interactions Between Medications (webmd.com)
9 Entirely Un-Sexy Risks of BDSM and How to Avoid Them (Part 1) (kinkoutloud.com)
9 Entirely Un-Sexy Risks of BDSM and How to Avoid Them (Part 2) (kinkoutloud.com)
Petechial Hemorrhage | Encyclopedia.com
Trevor Bauer Court Documents: Sexual Assault Accusation Details | Heavy.com
Trevor Bauer accuser details why she asked for restraining order – The Washington Post
What we learned from Day 2 of the Bauer Hearing – Beyond the Box Score
Trevor Bauer accuser becomes flustered by cross-examination – Los Angeles Times (latimes.com)
Bauer accuser grilled about past relationships with Padres players, deleted messages – Daily News
Trevor Bauer’s attorneys question his accuser (nypost.com)
Trevor Bauer (トレバー・バウアー) (@BauerOutage) / Twitter
Trevor Bauer’s hearing begins with testimony from accuser – Los Angeles Times (latimes.com)
TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to and helps admin several online kink, polyamory, and swing culture groups on Facebook such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; Virtual Munch; and Pittsburgh Lifestyle. His writing includes information on self-improvement, kink education, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics, healthy and healing relationships, power exchange, safety and much more. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for over three decades. He can be contacted and view much of his other writing on FetLife @ TAC_1.
This week in kink: September 13, 2021
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Bdsm Roles in the Lifestyle And Whats It All About!
Coming Back To The Scene
For many of us, the past year or so has been a veritable desert in our kink worlds. Those who had children at home or who live in apartments may have attempted quiet play, if we were in the mood for it, of course, since anxiety isn’t the best aphrodisiac. Unfortuanately, with many of our kink spaces closing down or choosing to carefuly curate guests lists, there are a lot of people who are finally starting to resume their bdsm play. I’ve heard a common refrain among them.
Most of the stories are of scenes going poorly, both people expecting to be able to resume their journeys exactly where they left off, only to discover that the top runs low on endurance while the bottom has a much lower tolerance for pain. Overall, those factors make for an unsatisfactory scene, along with many thoughts and feelings of not being good enough or tough enough to satisfy their partner. This seems to mostly be the case among more experienced or frequent heavier players that I have spoken to. Newer or more casual players seem to have had less of an issue in this area.
For those who haven’t experienced this, either count your blessings or consider this a warning in advance.
We build up tolerance over time, or perhaps a desire to experience that endorphin rush pushes us to greater heights, since our bodies become accustomed to anything we do with any regularity, whether it be working out, getting up early, or even receiving pain. It makes total sense that the amount of impact or other intense play that someone can take at the beginning of their journey changes over time. That was certainly the case for me. We had a regular schedule and were meeting it consistently.
Of course, that all changed last March. Without access to our regular dungeon space, we felt less comfortable pushing some of those boundaries. Additionally, neither of us was really in the mood for BDSM. In fact, we were rarely in the mood for sexual intimacy, let alone any sort of pain play. We were stuck in a house with family members stacked on top of one another, with no real safe place to go, plus dealing with anxiety. Those are hardly the stuff dreams are made of.
My story isn’t unique. Many of the friends I have in my local community have expressed similar sentiments. Their kink play went into hibernation for quite a while during 2020. Once our local dungeon started opening for private reservations we began attending again, but unless we specifically planned to go in advance and paid for the rental, we would often find reasons to delay.
In many ways I am quite lucky. As someone who has done impact education, my partner happens to be well versed in play with newer bottoms. Our first session back was one without any assumptions. It had been at least five months since we’d done any serious impact, and he didn’t rush into anything. He tried out lots of new impact tools we’d been collecting from a Maker friend of ours, including a PuckYou (I’m not a fan, it’s super stingy) and a Jawbreaker (opposite end of the spectrum and almost painfully thuddy). We had a positive experience, because he was testing my responses to some of the newer gear, rather than expecting me to take impact that he’d been able to give me before. We were even finally able to really get to try the whips he’d gotten as gifts that were definitely too long for the bedroom. Across the room, members of our germ pod made their beautiful scene sounds and for a moment, the world was a happy place again.
Santa’s method is pretty handy. When he is working with someone who is an unknown bottom to him, or who has not had a scene with him in quite some time, he uses a numerical scale to determine where everyone is. For example, he will swing a flogger at the lowest speed he can swing it without the falls being out of control, and he calls that his “one.” He will ask the bottom on a scale of one to ten, how did that impact register to them. If they also feel it is one, he can continue, while checking in with them as he increases his force. If their response is “six” to his “one,” odd are good that implement needs to be set aside for the time being, as they may not have a positive response to it.
Others I have spoken with have not been as lucky. They jumped back into their play after an extended break, some with the brevity of mine (five months), and others who did not play for a year or more. They expected to splash right back into the deep end of the pool, only to realize too late that someone moved the diving board while they were away. Frustrated and feeling insecure, I heard many stories of them trying to push through only to end in rather unsatisfactory scenes for all involved.
We forget, sometimes, when those born biologically female are dealing with their cycle of hormones, those things can change how they handle different types of pain. So add those hormonal changes into anxiety added into an extended period of time without play, and what we get is bodies with a very different tolerance on the other side of this pandemic.
So the first thing I would say to those experiencing this: you are not alone. There are a lot of people out there who are readjusting to their new normal and realizing their journeys are much different than they were. The second thing I would say is give yourselves grace. We’ve all been going through, and are still going through, an unprescedented event which makes for a very traumatized populace. Be kind to yourselves and realize that we all need more forgiveness for what we see as our own inadequecies.
The final thing I would say is the same thing I have told myself when looking at others and envying their ability to take pain. Walk your own path, and don’t look back at your old self as better or more resiliant. Your old self hadn’t been through a year and a half of a traumatizing pandemic. YOU are every bit as strong and tough as you need to be. Figure out what your tolerance is now and work from there rather than trying to play like you used to. Hell, your top may even appreciate not having to work so hard for a while.
Above all, talk to your partners. Make sure they understand that your body has changed and how to work with you to meet you where you are.
All any of us can do is be who we are, right this minute. I send my happiest and most positive thoughts to all of you.
Don’t Be A Doormat No Matter How You Identify In The Scene
Regardless of our role, we need to stand on a set of self-defined principles. Sure, the Lifestyle, in general, has core tenets which many of us try to follow. Not what I am talking about. I am referring to your personal ethic. A set of internal rules you have decided to live by. If you have them.
It becomes very difficult to find North if we do not have a compass. Those self-defined principles become that compass. They inform how we act with others, how we treat ourselves, and most importantly let us feel confident when it is time to be our own champion.
One of the easiest ways to get ourselves into trouble in kink is to say yes too easily. I’ve certainly fell into that trap and still do occasionally. We want to please others. We want to be wanted. When someone else asks us to participate they are signaling to us they see value in us. It is very hard to turn that down at times. Being principled allows us the freedom to say no on our own terms.
There are volumes of people in kink who seem rudderless. Why is this? Is it simply that they are lost in a see of information? Or could part of it be they do not understand the importance of self-defined principles? How many people have you met or talked to in the last month, let alone the last year, who couldn’t get the piss out of the boot if there were instructions on the heel?
I am not casting aspersions or making fun. Merely recognizing that in our chosen lifestyle and in kink we must be very self-aware and willing to be our own defender. No one is going to care as much about our own wellbeing as ourselves. If that is not true, I would respectfully suggest you are not ready for this life because if you cannot be your own shield, there are those our there who will eat you alive.
See Your Own Value
We are not going to stand on our own principles, defending our own being, if we do not see value in ourselves. If we are desperate to be validated by others, then we are not taking our own worth into account. Each of us has our own value, seeing that in ourselves is the place to start when defining what is important to us.
Find Your Voice
Knowing our worth and having principles is not enough if we are not able to be vocal in our own defense. I am not talking about fending off the odd insult, or telling someone off who pissed us off. This is about the times when we know we really want to say yes, but should say no. When someone overlooks our contribution in a dynamic. Or when we want to be part of a group or activity for our own good but are scared to speak up.
We have to get over the hump of sitting in the shadows and ignoring our own needs. Voicing what we expect, what is needed, and yes what is wrong. If you are not used to being vocal it will be difficult at first, but it will get easier the more you do it. People will be less likely to gloss over your voice because they will be more accustomed to hearing you.
Find it, keep it, and use it.
Define Your Own Purpose
Why am I here in this restaurant talking to this person? Why am I in this group or at this munch? Why did I come to this class? Why?
The why you are doing something becomes the motivation to be your own advocate. Otherwise, why be there? There is a goal you are trying to achieve be it additional knowledge, vetting a potential partner, making fiends in the community, or simply to get out of the house. There is a purpose, what is it?
Whatever it is use it to spur you forward. We are more likely to use our voice and to be our own champion if we have a clear goal in mind.
Define Your Principles
What is personally important to you? Making sure you have time for your family? Your integrity? Staying STD free?
There are a thousand questions I could ask you to help you dial it in. But really, you already know for the most part what your personal priorities are and what is important to you. These are what you need to hang your proverbial hat on. Make each into a statement which creates a line which you will not cross.
For example, one of my principles is that I will not lie to anyone, ever, not matter the circumstance. To some this may sound easy, but rest assured it is not. I have been tempted to save someone’s feelings from the truth, be easy on their ego, or even afraid of losing a friendship.
Not matter what line you draw in the sand it will eventually be tested in away you do not expect. Do not box yourself in with a million principles. Just the ones that you know you need to be able to maintain respect for yourself.
Being Principled is Hard, but Important
People will call you closed minded at times. Refer to you as stuck up, stiff, and many more choice ways designed to ding your own positive self-view. It can be a lonely road some days to walk because we all just want to get along for the most part.
If we go with the flow and let others define our path eventually we will wind up in a box canyon with no way out and the rains are coming. At that point we have let others set the stage for our self-destruction because we will have to decide whether or not to let go of those who have guided us there and save ourselves or remain and lose all self-respect.
Being principled helps us avoids those dire straits. They allow us to stand in the middle of the chaos others have authored and say no, enough, this is not for me.
The Gold at the End of the Rainbow
Peace. It may be a harder road to travel but it is an infinitely more fulfilling one.
Being able to wake each day confident in our purpose, our general direction, and knowing we have designed armor, those self-defined principles, keeping us on a path which is right for us sets us on a positive path.
People who are worth knowing will respect you for sticking to your guns. Seriously, who in your life do you respect who constantly flip flops regarding their personal worth and ethic? I would be willing to bet, no one. People who are principled, are easier to trust and respect because they are more consistent in how they view themselves and treat others.
At the End of the Day
Time passes faster than we would like to admit. Hell, I blinked and half a century flew by. Not all of it I am proud of. I wish I had been more principled at times. It would have saved me a ton of trouble. Regardless, I am here now, and hopefully learned better.
When I finally learned to have a core personal ethic, consciously decided on, it made my life much simpler, if not always easier. It allowed me to be who I am without apology. Without having to explain myself or make excuses.
Having that personal foundation gave me more self confidence and pushed me to seek those who are also very principled in their lives. As a result, I found the best life partner I never could have imagined. Very principled herself. A giant pain in my ass some days for sure. But a person I can love and respect without caveats. She calls me on my shit when I screw up and lets me know when I am doing well. We can be brutally honest with each other, and with others. There is a freedom in that.
Kink, BDSM, and the Lifestyle are rough. The process of growth sucks beyond imagining some days. It’s near impossible to manage if we do not have a compass to keep us headed in the right direction.
To borrow another’s words, “But let me just officially state the biggest warning that was never explicitly stated: D/s is mounds of painful, gut-wrenching, vulnerable, hurt-like-hell work. And the best part? It never stops being painful, gut-wrenching, vulnerable, hurt-like-hell work (if you’re doing it right).”
It is tough, but with that compass, it gets easier. Otherwise, we might as well be a doormat because everyone and their dog will walk over us.