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Good Ways To Spice Things Up If You’re Struggling In The Bedroom

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Most people don’t like to freely admit when they’re having trouble in the bedroom. Such a confession is wrongly seen as a weakness to be ashamed of, so many just stay quiet and hope that things improve on their own. Unfortunately, it’s rare that such problems actually get better without any intervention.

The good news is that there are plenty of ways to improve your performance in the bedroom; you just need to know what they are. This guide lists four of the ways you can improve your skills and spice things up after hours, ensuring that you never have a bad night in bed again.

Improve Your Physical Strength

You don’t need to be a gym buff to win over girls and satisfy them in the bedroom. However, spending more time working on your body could help you perform better when the time comes.

Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that sex can be quite the workout, utilising all sorts of muscles you might forget about. If you find that your intimate encounters aren’t that taxing on your body, that could explain why you’re having trouble in the bedroom. While the experience doesn’t have to be an all-out sweatfest, your arms, legs, abs, and back should all be playing their part.

The reason why exercising more often can help with sex is that it can strengthen these areas so that you’re able to last longer in bed. The last thing you want is to take a break after two minutes because you’re worn out and don’t have the strength to keep going. Admittedly, there’s nothing wrong with letting her take control for a little while so you can recover. However, if she ends up having to do all the work, she probably won’t be impressed.

Get Tips From An Expert

Whether they don’t want to hurt your feelings or they’re not actually sure what the problem is, it can be hard to get answers about why you’re bad from the people you sleep with. That can be an issue because if you don’t know where you’re going wrong, you can’t make any improvements.

That’s why it might be worth spending time with an expert, plenty of which you can find at Adultseek. Not only are many of the women here well versed in sex, but they also understand men reasonably well because of all the dates they’ve been on. They know the faults that can often crop up and how to address them without causing offence. Plus, they’re usually not afraid to be open about all things concerning sex, so you don’t need to feel awkward discussing your problems. If the two of you hit it off, they may even show you how to do things properly.

Just spending a few hours with one of these women may give you the confidence booster you need when it comes to the bedroom. If not, you can keep booking time with them until you get there.

Be Present In The Moment

Sex is supposed to be an intimate act between two people, yet many partners forget to truly share the experience with their other half. Maybe they’re unresponsive while receiving pleasure, or they look away during tender moments. Whatever it is, some people just fail to connect with what’s happening, and that can remove some of the fun from the experience.

If you’ve been guilty of this in the past, it’s worth remembering that you’re not alone in the bedroom. Try to make eye contact more often or be more vocal when a girl is going down on you. Try to pay attention to the stuff she likes, too, and do it more often. Simply by being more attentive to your partner, you should find that your encounters go from dull to exciting in an instant.

Introduce New Forms Of Pleasure

Fun in the bedroom is about more than just you penetrating someone. In plenty of cases, such an activity isn’t even included as part of sex. Some people prefer to focus on the various acts of foreplay, as well as integrating toys and kinks, to get their rocks off.

If you’re worried that your go-to method isn’t working, it’s worth switching things up in the future. Maybe spend more time making your partner feel good with your hands and mouth before you unzip. Alternatively, it’s worth seeing if she has any particular interests that you may be open to trying out. It’s always good to have honest discussions about sex with the people you sleep with, especially those who are more than just a one-time encounter. You never know what pleasures you might discover together, which could change things in the bedroom forever.

Being bad in bed isn’t something that you have to live with. Problems like this are easy to fix with the right motivation, though you may need to give it time before your skills are worth idolising. Practice makes perfect, after all.

Transitioning To The BDSM Lifestyle

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I was speaking to a woman who said she wanted to explore BDSM.  She claimed to be a total newbie, although I doubted it.  Nevertheless, she asked me a question that I thought would be great for the ASK BAADMASTER series here on kinkweekly.com . So without any covid-19 talk for a change, here is her question.

Reader:  I AM A VANILLA WHO HAS BEEN READING A LOT ABOUT BDSM.  IT EXCITES AND INTRIGUES ME.  BUT WHEN I ACTUALLY TRY ANYTHING – EVEN THE MOST RUDEMENTARY SELF BONDAGE — I GET VERY DEPRESSED.  FURTHERMORE, I MET A REAL TIME DOMME ONLINE AND WHEN SHE TRIED TO INSTRUCT ME AND PERFORM SOME ROPE TIES, I STARTED TO CRY. SHE LIVES NEAR ME BUT I HAVE AVOIDED RE-MEETING HER. AM I JUST A WRONGF FIT FOR BDSM?  AM I DOOMED TO LIVE IN THE VANILLA WORLD.  HELPPPP!

They say everything has a purpose. Surely your internal being (for want of a better term) wants you to “improve” on your vanilla life.  And it appears that you want to “transition” from your vanilla lifestyle to one that appeals to you.  Most of us here have had to make that transition; very few of us are born “Oh great and wonderful Master or Mistress.”

And many here have not made this transition without some pain or doubt.  Fortunately, most of us were able to interact with lifestylers in the many social events that most cities offer.  Instead of social events, we have social distancing.  Not a good formula for making a smooth journey from vanilla to BDSM.  Add into that, you have given me little information as to your vanilla situation; I know not whether you are single or married, whether you have freedom to explore and other important life factors.  But I can give you some general advice that you can build on, so when the social aspects of this lifestyle return, you will be ready and not crying. (Unless crying is part of a scene or play.)  I will offer a half dozen essential questions that you should answer to facilitate your entrance into the real time world of BDSM.

  1. Are you depending on BDSM to be an escape from your current malaise?  Answer: I would not put all your escape eggs in one basket.  Examine your vanilla life and try to see the good in it so that you don’t approach BDSM out of  a sense of desperation.
  1. Don’t ask your vanilla friends for advice nor tell them you are going “bondage.” I once told an acquaintance that I was exploring BDSM.  He replied, “So you beat up your girlfriend?” Misconceptions abound, especially about this kinky world.  Best to keep it to yourself unless you find a vanilla friend of a similar mindset to you.  I might add that your soaking up all these misconceptions that fill the media could surface when someone flogs you or ties you up.  This could be the reason for your tears.
  1. Why throw away my support system? In this hypothetical example, you are not; you are merely electing to not use your vanilla friends (except for the occasional one who understands you deeply) as your support system.  Over time, you will find like minded people to emotionally ground you.  Best adage/advice: “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”  This transition will take time.
  1. Use this “no fun” respite to study as much as you can.  Learn about yourself.  Are you a Domme or a sub or a switch?  What play  excites you the most?  Are you into pain?  As Socrates wrote, “Know thyself.”  As BaadMaster opines, “Use Google.”  
  1. Important: analyze the play that brought you to tears.  For example, you might have had a bad experience in “vanilla choking”, thus being choked in a scene might bring out bad – or even unconscious — memories that make you cry.  Go over all the scenes you plan and avoid activities that make you uncomfortable.  You are under no obligation to try everything nor do things against your judgment – whether you are a Domme or sub.
  1. Finally, in the “I can’t believe BaadMaster recommends” advice, I would ask you to rent “Fifty Shades of Grey”  Granted it is very fanciful; the BDSM is often idiotic.  But it will put you in the mood for your new bondage adventures.  And it is always good for a laugh or two.

In closing, being a woman navigating a new lifestyle is tough enough, even if you have a support system.  And soon, I hope, when the dungeons and the socials re-open, you will find new friends and a new support system.  For now, following my six principles should make your transition a smooth one.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Chris Cornell and Auto-erotic Asphyxiation

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A note from the editor: Auto-erotic asphyxiation or breath play is in our opinion a form of edge play and should be used with caution. Please seek the mentorship of someone experienced in this type of play before attempting on your own.

Kinkshaming kills, folks.

A lot of suicides via “hanging” are in fact auto-erotic asphyxiation gone awry, especially in teenage years or later in life, when mistakes are more likely to happen. Unintentional suicide is still ruled as a suicide by a coroner, just to clarify that the cause of death was neither natural nor homicide. The yearly numbers in America seem to range from 100 to 1000 per year, but it’s still too much.

Two major cases in the news yesterday:
“A child in a New Jersey school has died as a result of the ‘choking game’ where kids seek a euphoric high by briefly stopping oxygen from reaching the brain, a school superintendent says. In the letter sent earlier this week, Superintendent of Schools Nick Markarian wrote that “one of the tragic losses of student life we have experienced this year” was the result of the game, which is also known as “space monkey,” “fainting game” and “flatliner.” In the choking game, people strangle themselves to achieve euphoria through brief hypoxia, a lack of oxygen to the brain.”

Many families are too embarrassed to admit the truth and insist that the press respect their privacy. That embarrassment perpetuates the problem: it leads people to being secretive and unsafe, in the closet about their kink. Society would benefit from the warning and awareness of how commonplace these accidents have become. And of course, ridding the kinkshame altogether would allow people to discuss best practices and fail-safes.

“Imagine a nightmare: You come home to find your teenage son’s dead, semi-nude body hanging by the neck in his bedroom closet, pornographic magazines and women’s underwear scattered about the floor. One mother did, and as many as 1,000 Americans each year stumble upon the bodies of their loved ones in similar situations. These people die accidentally while practicing what’s known as auto-erotic asphyxiation–strangling or suffocating themselves to heighten sexual arousal and orgasm.”

Also yesterday in the news… “The cause of death has been determined as hanging by suicide,” Wayne County Medical Examiner’s Office said in a statement after an initial examination. Chris Cornell has been pronounced dead at 52. The coroner’s report goes on to describe a band around his neck. Source.

One must wonder if it was an intentional and willful act of suicide, seeking a purposeful death as a result, or merely an auto-erotic asphyxiation gone awry. I personally don’t even wonder at this point. I may be mistaken, but it’s so obvious to me. I mean, really, who was Chris Cornell going to have choke him while he masturbates, while his wife Vicky Karayiannis was at home with the kids? It had to be himself.

Just days before his passing… he wrote: “To my @vickycornell you are an angel and a lioness. The perfect mother and the perfect wife. I love you! Happy #MothersDay2017”

This sure does feel accidental. The previous celebrity to be found dead of accidental injury during auto-erotic asphyxiation was David Carradine, but there have been many. Here’s a list of 8 celebs and none are female.

This is a gendered issue created by Patriarchy: shame differs depending on gender expression and sexual identity. The feelings are different and the effects are different, including erasure. Patriarchy hurts teenagers, women, trans folks,non-binary, and yes… even men. The more I see of this, the more I see it as byproduct of shame and toxic masculinity.

There’s all kinds of jokes and awareness regarding how common it is for (some, not all!) women to love getting choked during sex. People tend to look down on the choker in this scenario. Rather than looking down on women that enjoy being choked, people tend to look down on men for choking women, rather than seeing this as the safest way for women to express their kink.

Enjoy this hilarious gem: “I’ve consented and do feel safe with him but it’s like, come on, dude. You owe me.”

I’m including myself here. Many of my partners over the years have enjoyed getting choked and sometimes specifically request it long before I mention it. The ones that don’t like it are very quick to forbid it, especially from someone like me, known for being into kink and performing in the fetish scene. Some try it out of curiosity and quickly tap out.

I think there is a homophobic/Patriarchal element that is anti-male submission and thus anti-male erotic asphyxiation… which leads to choking themselves instead of being choked by a trusted partner (inherently safer!)

To be clear, there is a distinction worth making between choking and strangling.

Choking is the mechanical obstruction of the flow of air from the environment into the lungs. Choking prevents breathing, and can be partial or complete, with partial choking allowing some, although inadequate, flow of air into the lungs.

Strangulation: the condition in which circulation of blood to a part of the body (especially a hernia) is cut off by constriction.

In common parlance, these two words are used interchangeably, especially as it regard sexual and BDSM activity. This lexicon misuse is not terribly important to me, personally, but it may be if you’re very into the proper usage of words and terms.

Medically, they are incredibly different, especially regarding risk of death and solutions to prevent injury. The Heimlich Maneuver is quite effective regarding dislodging a blockage from a windpipe.

There’s a Russian roulette quality to it all too. I’m sure some people get off on the fear and risk of death itself… you might know it’s the way you’re going to die someday and be ok with that. Either way, it’s still tragic like getting run over by a bus, rather than tragic as in blowing your head off with a suicide note left behind. But this has sex in it and, thus, shame.

We now have some extra details, but bear in mind there is valid reason to manipulate reporting as long as there is still kinkshaming. I remain skeptical.

“A toxicology report will be able to determine the amount of Ativan Cornell had in his system at the time of his death. Suicidal thoughts are a known side effect of Ativan”-Source

We never really know when a “hanging” was mastubatory or suicidal or a little of both unless the media confirms that it was mastubatory… otherwise, I still assume it was. You are welcome to make your own assumptions or refrain from doing so.

My point was the very first line: Kinkshaming can kill.

Stop shaming people for what gets them off. That in itself changes culture so that we can communicate openly and easily. There are other dangerous behaviors and risk-aware kink that people practice. It’s much safer to talk about it than to hide it and shame.

My name is Wry. I am a relationship, sex, and BDSM educator specifically focused on Non-Monogamy and Polyamory. In addition, I’ve been the event coordinator for numerous events throughout Los Angeles, the co-founder of the Los Angeles chapter of Kinky Salon, a leader and event host with Sex Positive LA, Poly Talks and a frequent performer in the BDSM lifestyle community. My full bio can be found here.