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A Little Bit About Knife Play

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sexy sub with knife on throat
via stock.adobe.com

I don’t pretend to be an expert on knife play. Sure, I’ve seen and watched a half-dozen demos, and I’ve been grilled and indocrtinated into the basics and essentials by the best, the safeties as well as the do’s and don’ts, but I suspect there are a great many out there who’re bigger “experts” on what makes knife play a thing, as well as the magical-mystical secrets of the naked blade.

Me, I’ve just been doing it for quite a while, in my own way. I’ve thrilled, excited, tantalized, and simply freaked-out a lot of gals. So here, I’ll briefly pass on what’s worked for me as well as what may work for you.

A quick disclaimer: If you’re a submissive who’s thinking they may want to experience the thrill of the naked blade, I recommend not reading any further. There’s more than a little bit of a psychological aspect involved and, like with any good magic trick, knowing how it works takes away most of the fun.

Still reading? Good! So here’s the thing…

Really, you don’t want to read any further if you’re a sub. You’re just going to regret knowing the reality, and a potentially thrilling scene or three is going to be taken away from you. Really.

Still with me? Okay, here we go…

The secret is that you simply use the back of the blade, the dull side. That’s it.

Oh sure, you make a big show of pulling out these elaborate, scary looking knives. I’ve seen several Doms who have these gorgeous, seven-inch curved monstrosities, with elaborate dragon handles and embossed runes working their way down the blade.  Some have demons fornicating erotically with curvaceous babes tooled into them, with a wicked looking double-edged blade that looks like the tool of a maniacal serial killer. But here’s the thing…

… they never use them.

It’s just a show, mere window dressing, artistic license to get a sub in the right frame of mind, that maybe, just maybe, this crazy muthafukka (whom they’ve negotiated with, vetted, and trust implicitly) will do some serious damage, maybe.

Myself, I tend to start our by running the tip up-and-down her back, her legs, her inner arms, any place that’s particularly sensitive. Honestly, this is the riskiest, most dangerous part, as I have scraped and slightly cut a few gals. Never anything serious of course; my cat routinely scratches me considerably worse, and she hasn’t had her claws sterilized like my blade. It’s of course good to have some medi wipes handy for after care as well.

Anyway… wait, I forgot the most important part…

For all that window dressing, the knife I use is the one clipped to my belt. I pull it off, lean in close so my breath is on her ear, then open it with a very distinctive “click”.

If you’ve done your job right, this is where you literally take her breath away, her pulse increases, and her level of potential terror is exposed (even as she trusts that you’ll never hurt her).

So anyway, you do that other stuff I mentioned, getting her used to the idea that this is a sharp pointy thing, it’s dangerous, it could kill her.

Now comes the fun part.

You start bringing it about her sensitive bits, her nethers, her nipples, her throat. I’m fond of pressing it hard against the latter and getting her high up on her toes. At this point her breath’s coming in desparate gasps and tears are coming out of her eyes.

Except I’m using the back of the blade, the dull part. Hell, if you’re nervous, switch out for a butter knife, or a spoon. It’s all going to feel the same. Because you’ve established that psychological bond, that it’s all real, and very dangerous.

If you do everything correctly, you’ll reduce your girl to a blubbering mess, snotty and tearful (a gag isn’t recommended, as you need her to breathe). Certainly, if she safewords, you absolutely need to stop. But in thirteen years, I’ve never had that happen. 

Typically, I wind up with an emotionally wrung out girl who needs lots of aftercare, but who’s eventually ecstatic and ready for more of the same.

So the thing you really need to take away here is that knife play is all psychological, all pretend, make believe, mind fuckery. It only works because you’ve gotten someone into that place where they make themselves believe that you’ll hurt them, even as they know you won’t. 

Sort of like a magic trick. You know someone doesn’t have mystical powers, but it’s fun to believe that they do. But when you see how the trick’s actually done, the fun’s no longer there.

And let’s retiterate; it’s not about cutting or actually hurting someone. That would be blood play, in which the knife’s often incidental. Knife play, when done correctly, is actually pretty safe. It’s not necessarily recommended for your first scene with a new girl. But it can be just the thing for someone who’s ready for the next level.

And if you’re a sub who’s read all this and now knows the secret to the magic trick, and will never be able to experience a knife play scene, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

Body Mods and Suspensions

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needle

From time to time, I will answer questions that I think are important to answer. Here is one of them:

“I am a newbie and recently went to the Folsom Street Fair. I saw a group of “performers” doing all sorts of body pain-related acts — like stapling things to themselves, putting needles through their cheeks and flesh hook suspensions. But it made me wonder: What does this have to do with BDSM?”

I asked a similar question at my first play party years ago. A male Dom was doing an edge play scene with two female submissives. Not only did he do needle play, but he also did insertions with huge dildos, stapling and sensory deprivation. It was quite an incredible scene. I was introduced to the Dom and said, “You just blew my mind with your two slaves.” He replied, “Thanks, but they are not my slaves.” What I learned was that there is no implied connectivity in our lifestyle. There is no compulsory linkage.

A further example, which will be very close to your Folsom observation, has to do with suspensions. Just because a person is suspended by flesh hooks does not mean that person is submissive – or even into the BDSM lifestyle. From an observational point of view, it sure looks like the person on the hooks is bottoming. But, looks can be deceiving; the “suspendee” can be directing the whole scene. He/she could be the Top. Most likely, the subject is a masochist. Thus, likely there is some connection to S&M — Sadism and Masochism — the S&M in the BDSM acronym. But this does not have to always be the case. The “suspendee” can just be a thrill seeker whose connection to S&M and/or the BDSM world is tenuous at best.

Therefore, the answer to your question, “Does this have anything to do with BDSM?” is that it might or might not. (I feel like a politician with this answer!) Which leads to a natural digression that can be of assistance — don’t assume anything in this lifestyle. If you see a person at a dungeon dressed like a textbook Domina, do not assume she is a Domme. Ask. You can respectfully ask just about any question to a fellow lifestyler. Other than approaching a collared submissive without the permission of his/her Master or Mistress, no question is off limits. This is not your local bar, where asking “Are you into fisting” might get you slapped. Or looked at like a nut. Or finding a fisting partner! (You rolls the dice, you takes your chances in the vanilla world. Sometimes they are not vanilla, but unvanilla!)

You are lucky to have attended, for your introduction into BDSM, San Francisco’s famed Folsom Street Fair. Here, the rules of public display are loosened; even the police look the other way at the crazy outrageousness. Venues like Folsom, where we can show off many BDSM-oriented activities, give us the opportunity to see many varied aspects of the lifestyle.

I might add one observation regarding Folsom. Bondage, despite all the efforts of Kink Weekly, its contributors and Folsom to portray us as “safe, sane and consensual,” we still carry a stigma to the world at large. Whenever some nut imprisons a victim in a basement, it is invariably described as a “dungeon” by the media. When I tell a stranger that I am into bondage, the response is often, “So you beat your girlfriend?” Recently the “beat your wife” response has become a bit less common – but with the latest spate of sexual assault charges dominating the media, expect these types of misconceptions to continue. Hopefully, over time, this will change.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

My First Public BDSM Scene

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play partner

If you asked me that morning, while I sipped my coffee, if I thought I was going to have the confidence to strip down to nothing but my heels and a sly smile, I would have laughed it off as though you were crazy. I had no idea that this night would be the night that I would stand fully naked and bare in front of a room full of people doing things I had only done in secret behind closed doors.

I was still very new to the BDSM scene but with a very capable partner who I had played with privately before. I was fortunate to be invited to a more private dungeon style event, an absolute first for me in every way. Never had I been to a dungeon, walked around freely naked people, much less watched anyone engage in forms of BDSM that I had only watched in the movies or curiously through porn.

I was nervous just to go to this event. Didn’t know what to wear or how to act, but I trusted my partner would guide me through the process. After all, this was definitely not his first, second or even hundredth time. I was in more than capable hands.

As I walked into the dungeon there were already people with articles of clothing removed. I could see a woman sitting nude out of the corner of my eye, sipping water after having clearly just finished a scene that had her smiling and sweating. Her partner next to her was packing up some of the items that were used. I found myself staring at this chest of toys that was being packed away, a little bummed that I had missed what just occurred.

Oh no! Did I stare too long at this couple? They caught my glance and smiled back at me. I didn’t even realize I was smiling! Had I messed up already and broke a cardinal rule?! I smiled back and we continued on.

I tried not to stare at any one person so they wouldn’t feel nearly as uncomfortable as I felt as I walked through the open area. I could hear paddles smacking against bare skin, cries of ecstasy and the faint smell of cleaning products. Although I can’ be sure but I bet I looked like a kid in a candy store.

We stopped and watched a scene that had been going for quite a while before we arrived. She was screaming out as a vibrator was held against her clitorous. Legs quivering uncontrollably, but the man holding the device there did not let up. Wow was this intense!

Just as we began to walk away my partner asked me a seemingly odd question at the time, “Have you ever played with fire?”. I was confused by the question. He could see the look of confusion on my face and started to explain that fire play was a part of edge play that can be very exciting and arousing. He outlined the process in detail as he has for other activities in the past. I was so green to it all and he knew it.

I was instantly concerned about being burned. Before this night, I had no idea that fire could be arousing outside of it just looking really cool and exciting. After some thorough explanations and addressing my concerns, I agreed to participate.

To say I was nervous was an understatement. I grabbed a second glass of wine and sipped it while my partner grabbed his suitcase full of toys that he brought in upon our arrival. I had seen this suitcase before but still had no clue what all it contains. Tonight, it was going to produce an erotic experience with fire. This was new and very exciting!

I finished my wine and my partner asked me to stand. The scene was starting and all I could think was: Am I really going through with this? Was I confident enough with my partner, my body and my self esteem to do this? Answer: yes!

He asked me to disrobe. This was nothing new for us, I’d been naked in front of him plenty. But not in front of all these people, now starting to gather around. I started with my top. Why had I chosen something that takes so long to take off. All I could think was, don’t get your top stuck around your head or trip over your bottoms as you take them off. It doesn’t need to be sexy, you’re not a stripper, but for the love of god, don’t make it weird!

Finally after successfully removing my clothing without tripping, falling or completely embarrassing myself, I presented myself to my partner for approval. As soon as my eyes met his, I began to forget the other people in the room. His gaze upon my naked body and his approval made me feel right at home where I stood. He began giving me instructions like the many times we had played in private.

I was asked to get on all fours on the bench. I knew what was coming. Spankings, my favorite! I knelt there, butt in the air, ready to indulge in his bare hands against my cheeks. He started lightly at first then progressed to the firm swats I’d grown to enjoy since we started playing together.

He paused for a moment and I could hear him pulling new items out of his bag. In an instant, I felt the wind from his flogger. After the first strike against my back, the people watching slowly faded away. My focus was only on my partner and his dominance of me. Nothing else mattered. I didn’t care about people seeing me naked anymore. I was completely comfortable and fully submitted to him. Nothing else mattered.

After he finished, I knelt there on all fours catching my breathe. I was in complete ecstasy. It couldn’t possibly get better than this, could it? I was then asked to stand, hands above my head holding onto the metal bars above me.

He lit the wands and began tapping them against my body. Blowing the heat from the flames against my skin. The fear was there, but an overwhelming sense of trust and arousal began to set in. I watched him tap the wands against my thighs moving toward more sensitive areas. After a few minutes I couldn’t watch anymore. My legs were trembling, my body responding to every touch. I couldn’t believe it! This fire was turning me on.

We continued with more play in this manner followed by more spankings. When it was over, I had no idea how long we had been playing or how many people were watching.

All I knew, is that I wanted to do it again…

FIRE PLAY: The Submissive’s Beginner Guide

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A branding iron and a lit flame

This article is a beginners guide to fire play and is addressed to the submissive. But before we can begin, it is “small print disclaimer” time.

(The disclaimer: Fire play is one of the most dangerous types of BDSM play. It should not be attempted without a skilled Top who is experienced in the art. Simply reading about it will not be sufficient. Thus, this article is simply an overview, not a “how-to.” It will, however, give you pointers to evaluate whether your Dom/me knows what he/she is doing. No matter what, if you decide to attempt fireplay, you are doing so at your own risk. Done improperly, fire play can severely burn your skin or even burn your house down.)

Fire play, as opposed to ice play, has real serious safety concerns surrounding it. After all, when is the last time you saw a house go up in ice? (Ice play does have dangers; burning down the neighborhood is not one of them.) Fire is, and will always be, perilous. The best way to begin is be sure you are playing safely. When you begin, make sure you are in the hands of an expert; thus any dangers are kept to a minimum. Much like skydiving, the risks multiply exponentially when the person packing your chute is incompetent. That said, what exactly is fireplay and how should you begin?

Fireplay consists of swabbing a portion of the skin with a thin layer of 70% (maximum) isopropyl alcohol and setting it on fire for a very short period of time. Those who experience it claim that not only is the sense of (real) danger a rush, but there is also the warm sensual sting of the fire as it caresses — and lightly burns — the skin.

If you are combining bondage with fire play, avoid using handcuffs or other slow release items. Rope – with a pair of sharp surgical scissors at the ready – is the way to go. As with any other BDSM scene, safewords – and in this case a safe signal, too – should be agreed upon beforehand. Since hair burns, and burns fast, only hairless areas of the body should be used for fireplay. Typically, the back and the upper shoulders are chosen. If you have long hair, tie it up out of the way or cover it with a wet bathing cap or some such flameproof covering.

Your Dom/me, who will guide your through your first fire play scene, will check for, and remove, all flammable items in the play area. (That leaves out ever attempting it in bed!) He/she will also assemble the tools of fire play next to the play area. These usually consist of a steel bowl, a bottle of 70% isopropyl alcohol, the surgical scissors, a number of two or four inch gauze squares, a bowl of cool water with a cloth dipped in it, a plain butane cigarette lighter (not a torch), a violet wand or candles to light the flame, a fire extinguisher and a first aid kit. If all these items are not close by, or your Top is haphazard or sloppy in his approach, it is time to bail.

The Dom/me will pour the alcohol into the steel bowl and dip one of the gauze squares into the alcohol and rub a thin, dripless layer across the hairless skin. He/she will then light the alcohol and, right after the flaming WHOOSH (what a rush!), will immediately cool the area with the wet cloth. Ice can be also be incorporated into fireplay as well. Switching between fire and ice can produce intense sensations.

The key to enjoying fire play is to relax. This is best accomplished by playing with someone who is very accomplished in this area. If you do otherwise, you are playing with fire!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

Chris Cornell and Auto-erotic Asphyxiation

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A note from the editor: Auto-erotic asphyxiation or breath play is in our opinion a form of edge play and should be used with caution. Please seek the mentorship of someone experienced in this type of play before attempting on your own.

Kinkshaming kills, folks.

A lot of suicides via “hanging” are in fact auto-erotic asphyxiation gone awry, especially in teenage years or later in life, when mistakes are more likely to happen. Unintentional suicide is still ruled as a suicide by a coroner, just to clarify that the cause of death was neither natural nor homicide. The yearly numbers in America seem to range from 100 to 1000 per year, but it’s still too much.

Two major cases in the news yesterday:
“A child in a New Jersey school has died as a result of the ‘choking game’ where kids seek a euphoric high by briefly stopping oxygen from reaching the brain, a school superintendent says. In the letter sent earlier this week, Superintendent of Schools Nick Markarian wrote that “one of the tragic losses of student life we have experienced this year” was the result of the game, which is also known as “space monkey,” “fainting game” and “flatliner.” In the choking game, people strangle themselves to achieve euphoria through brief hypoxia, a lack of oxygen to the brain.”

Many families are too embarrassed to admit the truth and insist that the press respect their privacy. That embarrassment perpetuates the problem: it leads people to being secretive and unsafe, in the closet about their kink. Society would benefit from the warning and awareness of how commonplace these accidents have become. And of course, ridding the kinkshame altogether would allow people to discuss best practices and fail-safes.

“Imagine a nightmare: You come home to find your teenage son’s dead, semi-nude body hanging by the neck in his bedroom closet, pornographic magazines and women’s underwear scattered about the floor. One mother did, and as many as 1,000 Americans each year stumble upon the bodies of their loved ones in similar situations. These people die accidentally while practicing what’s known as auto-erotic asphyxiation–strangling or suffocating themselves to heighten sexual arousal and orgasm.”

Also yesterday in the news… “The cause of death has been determined as hanging by suicide,” Wayne County Medical Examiner’s Office said in a statement after an initial examination. Chris Cornell has been pronounced dead at 52. The coroner’s report goes on to describe a band around his neck. Source.

One must wonder if it was an intentional and willful act of suicide, seeking a purposeful death as a result, or merely an auto-erotic asphyxiation gone awry. I personally don’t even wonder at this point. I may be mistaken, but it’s so obvious to me. I mean, really, who was Chris Cornell going to have choke him while he masturbates, while his wife Vicky Karayiannis was at home with the kids? It had to be himself.

Just days before his passing… he wrote: “To my @vickycornell you are an angel and a lioness. The perfect mother and the perfect wife. I love you! Happy #MothersDay2017”

This sure does feel accidental. The previous celebrity to be found dead of accidental injury during auto-erotic asphyxiation was David Carradine, but there have been many. Here’s a list of 8 celebs and none are female.

This is a gendered issue created by Patriarchy: shame differs depending on gender expression and sexual identity. The feelings are different and the effects are different, including erasure. Patriarchy hurts teenagers, women, trans folks,non-binary, and yes… even men. The more I see of this, the more I see it as byproduct of shame and toxic masculinity.

There’s all kinds of jokes and awareness regarding how common it is for (some, not all!) women to love getting choked during sex. People tend to look down on the choker in this scenario. Rather than looking down on women that enjoy being choked, people tend to look down on men for choking women, rather than seeing this as the safest way for women to express their kink.

Enjoy this hilarious gem: “I’ve consented and do feel safe with him but it’s like, come on, dude. You owe me.”

I’m including myself here. Many of my partners over the years have enjoyed getting choked and sometimes specifically request it long before I mention it. The ones that don’t like it are very quick to forbid it, especially from someone like me, known for being into kink and performing in the fetish scene. Some try it out of curiosity and quickly tap out.

I think there is a homophobic/Patriarchal element that is anti-male submission and thus anti-male erotic asphyxiation… which leads to choking themselves instead of being choked by a trusted partner (inherently safer!)

To be clear, there is a distinction worth making between choking and strangling.

Choking is the mechanical obstruction of the flow of air from the environment into the lungs. Choking prevents breathing, and can be partial or complete, with partial choking allowing some, although inadequate, flow of air into the lungs.

Strangulation: the condition in which circulation of blood to a part of the body (especially a hernia) is cut off by constriction.

In common parlance, these two words are used interchangeably, especially as it regard sexual and BDSM activity. This lexicon misuse is not terribly important to me, personally, but it may be if you’re very into the proper usage of words and terms.

Medically, they are incredibly different, especially regarding risk of death and solutions to prevent injury. The Heimlich Maneuver is quite effective regarding dislodging a blockage from a windpipe.

There’s a Russian roulette quality to it all too. I’m sure some people get off on the fear and risk of death itself… you might know it’s the way you’re going to die someday and be ok with that. Either way, it’s still tragic like getting run over by a bus, rather than tragic as in blowing your head off with a suicide note left behind. But this has sex in it and, thus, shame.

We now have some extra details, but bear in mind there is valid reason to manipulate reporting as long as there is still kinkshaming. I remain skeptical.

“A toxicology report will be able to determine the amount of Ativan Cornell had in his system at the time of his death. Suicidal thoughts are a known side effect of Ativan”-Source

We never really know when a “hanging” was mastubatory or suicidal or a little of both unless the media confirms that it was mastubatory… otherwise, I still assume it was. You are welcome to make your own assumptions or refrain from doing so.

My point was the very first line: Kinkshaming can kill.

Stop shaming people for what gets them off. That in itself changes culture so that we can communicate openly and easily. There are other dangerous behaviors and risk-aware kink that people practice. It’s much safer to talk about it than to hide it and shame.

My name is Wry. I am a relationship, sex, and BDSM educator specifically focused on Non-Monogamy and Polyamory. In addition, I’ve been the event coordinator for numerous events throughout Los Angeles, the co-founder of the Los Angeles chapter of Kinky Salon, a leader and event host with Sex Positive LA, Poly Talks and a frequent performer in the BDSM lifestyle community. My full bio can be found here.

BDSM Water Sports

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Water falling onto a hand in a field

We here at kinkweekly.com strive to present all forms of BDSM, D/s play and kink. If water sports isn’t your cup of tea, then you should “wait ‘til next week” — to paraphrase a sports adage.

Water sports – or golden showers (commonly abbreviated g.s.) – is defined as playing with pee. It can be peeing on or in the submissive, making the submissive drink pee or any other urine oriented BDSM activity. There is debate as to whether water sports qualify as “edge play”; I think it does. But whatever its classification, water sports has elements of extreme BDSM and D/s at its core. Although we can’t say that water sports is BDSM play, more often than not it contains within it a form of extreme submission.

There is relatively little danger in water sports. Now what is “relatively little danger” you ask? That is debatable. But water sports do not, by definition, present the physical safety risk that breath play does. Or knife play. Or fire play.

But piss play is still a very extreme form of BDSM play; there can be serious elements of humiliation and other serious psychological aspects involved. Thus, as with all other play, it must be consensual. And the sub must have a safe word if he/she decides the play is too much to bear – whether physically or mentally. Obviously, where there is no intake of pee, there is no danger of bodily harm. (Other than staining a sheet or a rug, a pee bath is pretty safe.

The most basic form of water sports is where the Dom/me orders the submissive to pee and watches. Many Dom/mes love to give their submissive a good pee bath – or peeing in their slaves’ orifice, often with a funnel – as a show of Dominance!

As with all other BDSM scenes, combination scening can add variety to your play. (Just like vanilla relationships, even BDSM ones can suffer from boredom. “Oh, no, not pee again! That makes 30 days in a row!”) Thus one must be inventive. Bathtub bondage – where a bound submissive is immobilized in a bathtub – is pretty inventive. As is piss enema play; I have even heard of players combining piss and wax play!

Once actual ingestion of pee is contemplated, health concerns do arise. Fresh piss is generally sterile and safe to drink in small quantities; the reason genital piercings heal so rapidly is due to their being flushed with piss. However, ingested in larger quantities, urine can pose a health risk. It does contain harmful chemicals (such as uric acid) and bodily wastes in it. So use caution if you get the idea to substitute pee for his/her Coke or Gatorade. Moderation is the word here. As is drinking water for days so the piss is mostly water.

The use of catheters – which we covered in a recent kinkweekly.com article — takes water sports to a more extreme level. Catheters are long, thin, flexible tubes used in medical procedures. They are inserted into the urethra of woman or men and the pee flows through them. One must be quite knowledgeable in the art of catheter play; it is not for the newbie. Not only are there sterility concerns, but physical damage can result from rough or inaccurate insertion of a catheter. Doctors study for years to master these types of procedures. So one should learn from a Master of the catheter before attempting it. Here we see a catheter being inserted.

The range of water sports is very wide. And although it can be very extreme from a BDSM point of view, if one uses a modicum of caution and common sense, it is generally safe. Considering the extreme play to risk ratio, you get a lot of D/s “bang for your buck” in water sports.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Heavy Play, Safe Play

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red flogger

After a series of articles that were aimed primarily at newbies, we will address the concerns of those of you who want to be heavy players. Often times you meet on forums like FetLife or at local dungeons – or even here! — and both of you click because you have the need for heavy play. And, of course, you both want it to be safe.

Many heavy players eschew the safe word; understandably so. But I would suggest some initial play – no matter how heavy – with a safe word and/or safe signal. Remember, one person’s medium play can be another’s heavy. So, in order to facilitate successful heavy play, I propose a process that has worked for many in this lifestyle.

The Process

There is a tendency to evaluate whether a player is safe or unsafe based solely on whether he/she has caused any injury during play. Although this is a very good yardstick, it can also be claimed that safe play is not simply the absence of harm. It is the total approach that should, in and of itself, be safe. Contradictory, you say. Then, let me explain. If you were driving a car at 100 miles an hour during rush hour, you might not get into an accident. Yet, that would be considered “unsafe driving” – no matter what the outcome. Similarly, if a Dominant ignores basic safety precautions – such as having a topical antibiotic on hand during a play piercing or not allowing a safe word during his/her initial sessions with a given submissive – this would still be “unsafe play,” regardless of the result.
Safety – especially for heavy players where the risk is greatest — is a process. Granted, I have seen Dominants flail away with abandon on first meeting. Again, this might not cause any damage. But, in my opinion, why the rush to mega-markings right off the bat? Going slowly is not the mark of a weak Dominant; in fact, quite the opposite. Safe play means understanding the submissive; knowing how easily he/she bruises and how much pain the submissive can reasonably be expected to take. Sometimes it is the submissive who talks with bravado: “I have never safed”, “I can take anything”, or “I am the ultimate pain slut.” But, as we had stated earlier, one person’s medium can be another person’s heavy. Safe play, as I see it, is not going as hard as you can right away. The Dom/me should always go at a slower speed when first scening with a submissive. After all, why risk getting a ticket for unsafe scening?!

You Can’t Read Minds

No matter how hard people try, it is next to impossible to read minds. Books, yes… minds, no. So, whether you are a Dom/me or sub, don’t attempt it. Communicate the old fashion way, talk! For example, as a heavy player, don’t just flail away and rely on the sub’s safe word or safe signal while you are first using one. From time to time, lean over and ask whether the sub is alert and OK. Kind of like the fight referee after a knockdown. Remember, a sub in subspace is often unable to hear or even feel much. Ask. After all you can’t read minds – least of all that of a sub that is lost in space!

From the sub’s point of view, if the Dom/me says he/she is experienced, don’t just leave it at that. Tell him/her your hard limits (even the heaviest of players have hard limits), make sure he/she will respect your safe word and communicate. (Again, if the Dom/me says “no safe words” right out of the box, be wary.) And, don’t expect him/her to read your mind, or vice-versa. As I see it, it is only “topping from the bottom” during the scene; before the scene it is simply negotiating. And, if there is superb communication before play, then the sub will not have to top from the bottom!

An Old Guard Tradition

Although much of the history of the “Old Guard Leather Societies” is debatable, there is one “tradition” I have heard of that makes sense to me. That is where the Dom/me, should he/she draw blood on an implement, is required to give that toy to the submissive. It makes sense if you think about it. It not only has a great safety aspect to it, but it also seems to have a nice ring to it. Even if you are not “old guard,” and chances are you aren’t, presenting the bloodied knife or flogger to the submissive is a nice custom, with some fine safety implications thrown in.
Overall, safety is a habit you get into — especially for the heaviest of players.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Wax Play for Beginners

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wax play
Photo by Vice Erotica

We have covered some of the BDSM basics in our first few Kink Weekly articles. Now, let’s give you an edge play activity that is both exciting yet easy to do right “out of the box.”

One of the easiest to learn and have fun with is wax play – but only as long as you follow some of the basic rules I will outline below.

Simply put, wax play is the act of the Dominant pouring hot, melted wax onto the body of the submissive. This is a very popular BDSM activity because hot wax on the body can cause incredible sensations.

Compared to other edge play activities — knife play, fire play, breath control, needle play, gun play, temporary piercings, surface burns/temporary brandings, golden showers, fantasy rape and abduction, burial scenes, mummification and electrical play (most of which we will cover in future issues of Kink Weekly) – wax play would appear to be quite safe. Wrong.

Wax play, done improperly, can be quite dangerous. First of all, hot wax is – duh – hot. Too hot and it can hurt, scald or even blister the submissive. And although it is safe if you follow these precautions, I would still recommend you attend a Wax Play class at any of the local dungeons.

All candles do not burn at the same temperature. The temperature is determined by the kind of wax that you use. Never use beeswax; it gets very hot and can cause serious injuries. The most expensive candles — with their hardening agents, perfumes and other chemical additives — are often the ones that burn the hottest. So, start with cheap, paraffin based white candles. This is one of the few areas in life where cheaper is better.

Before dripping hot wax on a submissive, first perform a heat check. Hold the candle a couple of feet above the back of your hand and drip it there. If it does not burn you, then it is a go. If it does burn, experiment to find a safe dripping height. And keep this “safe height” firmly in mind during the session.

Start by dripping wax from a little above this “safe height.” You can gradually lower it, but never go below this “safe height.” If you wish to go lower, test it on yourself again. When dripping wax on sensitive areas (such as the breasts, nipples, clit, labia, penis, scrotum, rectum, etc) always err on the side of safety and drip from a greater height than usual.

Also, watch out for “pooling.” There are spots on the body which are natural depressions where the wax can “pool,” thus increasing the heat factor. This can lead to blistering.

Finally, keep a bucket of water handy. I have heard tales of a candle being dropped and the sheet set on fire. Fire is fire. Treat it as such.

If you take these precautions, wax play can be one of the safest forms of edge play.

Now for some extra fun! Peeling the wax off the skin can create a variety of intense sensations; peeling faster or slower, stopping and starting – peeling wax as a BDSM art form with the submissive as the canvas! Also, running a feather, fur glove or even a tongue over the peeled area can be a sexy way to prolong the waxing session. (However wax on hair can be a real pain to remove – be forewarned.) Also, use a throwaway sheet or drop cloth. Wax is really impossible to remove, despite what the late night TV hucksters claim for their super-duper amazo cleaning products!