I am an emotional masochist.
I want to break down the negative connotations to what my statement means.
Traditionally, emotional masochists are those who feel unworthy of respect. They tend to find themselves in situations that are toxically abusive because they feel they deserve it. It has been said that there are some who crave the abuse they receive. Whether this is a conscious or unconscious desire, it is often all they know.
Growing up, and into my early twenties, I was one of those individuals. I went out of my way for people who would rather spit on me then speak a kind word. I challenged my own ethics and morals because someone wanted something and “a good friend would help them.” I’ve used the façade of laughter to cover the cracks in my self-esteem because if those I call friends don’t respect me, why would anyone else?
I come from a loving family. I was not abused growing up. However, I was deeply insecure and the pressure to be perfect was often overwhelming. And I made mistakes that took me years to be comfortable enough to talk about. I skipped eating and restricted my food to the point that I now suffer from constant stomach issues. I carved my pain into my skin and the words of my insecurities are still visible to this day. I controlled my emotions to the point that I can, and have, physically disconnect/short circuit my connections to people.
These were decisions that bled heavily into my relationships. And it defined the development of my BDSM. I did not understand negotiating because my needs/wants don’t matter. I did not understand communication because if they were angry it must mean they didn’t love me. I didn’t understand that having an opinion did not make me a bad partner. I didn’t understand jealousy because any attention my partner showed me “should be enough.”
Essentially, I did not understand BDSM.
So, I connected to what I did understand. I could learn the proper poses for a submissive. I could learn the expectations of a Dominant. I could be of service.
After all, no one throws out something useful.
I spent most of my life pleasing others with little regard for myself. Even now, I struggle with the idea that I need to take care of myself with as much care as I do my partners.
With what I’ve told you, it makes it hard to believe that I am proud to be an emotional masochist.
What I have learned first and foremost, I can be whatever I want to be.
I can change the things I don’t like.
So, I’ve changed the definition of emotional masochism.
Masochist: Someone who derives pleasure from physical pain, with or without the involvement of sex.
Emotional Masochist: Someone who derives pleasure from deeply emotional play, such as through means of humiliation, degradation, fear, or consensual non-consent.
I should specify that I do love a good beating. I enjoy the use of a variety of toys used upon my person at a varying degree of intensity. I enjoy pushing my limits and my body from time to time. I enjoy enticing my Sadist into staying creative and keeping me guessing.
But I love being mind-fucked more.
These are the moments that leave me feeling like I’ve run a marathon without ever getting up from my knees.
I find humiliation to be a liberating experience. Outside of my dynamic, I refuse to allow anyone to treat me in such a way. Often, in the vanilla world, humiliation is done maliciously. In our world, it is done with care and understanding.
I can face the demons that haunt me. I can seal the cracks in my self-esteem. I can be strong and weak at the same time. I can cry my frustration out. I can growl in anger and defiance without disrespect. I can bare my soul and explore the parts of me I’ve been told should never see daylight.
I can proudly identify as a submissive, a masochist (physically and emotionally), and a piggie.
I cannot change the years of emotional chaos I put up with long ago. I cannot change the individuals who whole-heartedly took advantage of me with no remorse. I cannot change what I allowed to happen.
So, instead, I have chosen to grow from it. I have chosen to challenge it. I have chosen to revel in it.
And I am proudly an emotional masochist.
My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.