Terminology

Joining the Kink Community

August 28, 2017 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

Discovering the world of kink can be a fabulous and overwhelming experience. So where do you go? What do you do? This can be especially nerve wracking if you are coming in like I did – unpartnered and clueless.

In my opinion Fetlife is the best way to find events in the scene. Most event coordinators will promote there whether or not they promote elsewhere. So the first step, if you haven’t already, is to join Fetlife. Go to Fetlife.com and create a profile. Feel free to use a stock photo or a picture of your dog as your profile pic until you come up with something better. Just don’t leave it empty for long. The profiles with a big “?” as the profile pic may make people think it’s a fake account, you’re a troll, etc. Also, keep in mind my next step will only work if you input your actual city or one that is near you. I understand if you are uncomfortable putting your specific city name – but even a nearby city will work. For example if you live in Santa Monica (which is a beach city near Los Angeles) then use Santa Monica or Los Angeles. However, if you use Antarctica (and don’t actually live there) then my next suggestion will not work.

On to the next step. Along the top of the site you will see a link for “Events” – click on it. Under “Upcoming Events” you will notice three tabs. “Friends RSVPed to”, “Near Me”, and “All Events”. If you are brand new to the site, chances are you don’t have any (or many) friends on your friends list yet, so that tab won’t offer much. The “All Events” tab will be overwhelming and probably take you a while to scroll through, however, if you posted a fake city this will be your option. So that leaves you with the “Near Me” tab. Click it! You will probably have to get through the first few pages of events that recently happened before you get to the current date. Then look at each event listed for the dates coming up that you have some free time. My opinion is that you focus on finding a class first. Starting with classes accomplishes a few things – you learn something regardless of current interests, you meet people in a non-pressure environment, and if you are on the shy side there is less expectation of socialization. So find a class on any topic that works for your schedule and GO!

(*If you are in the Los Angeles area I know a wonderful BDSM 101 Series at Sanctuary you can attend every Monday at 8pm – wink wink.)

My first class was on singletails (a.k.a whips). Was I interested in singletails? Nope. Did they, in fact, terrify me? Yep. I went anyway because I figured I would meet other people who were active in the scene and possibly learn something – or at least have fun watching the demo. Sure enough, all of those things happened. There was no pressure to play (because it wasn’t a party), going alone wasn’t awkward, and even though I am very social and extroverted, there was more focus on the class and presenter, which was nice given my newbie status.

Once you’re at the class be sure to approach either the instructor (after the class is finished) or another classmate that looks friendly and let them know you’re new and wondering what other classes or munches are coming up. Ask if they will be there – then you will have a familiar face to look for.

Go to more classes, start attending munches. Munches are just where a group of kinksters get together in a vanilla setting (usually a restaurant) to eat and socialize. Let people know you’re new and looking for friends and other events. Once you are ready to attend a play party you will have met lots of people and started to create a friends list. You will have people to reach out to and to look for and talk to at events.

I know you may be anxious to start playing and/or finding a partner. However, my advice is to slow it down and take your time. Get to know the scene and the people in it. Get a feel for who is experienced in the type of play you want to try, who you can trust, etc. I know it can be overwhelming and scary at first – and your experience will differ depending on how big your local scene is – but enjoy the process. View it as an adventure to be explored!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

What is a Switch?

August 14, 2017 By Jenn Masri 9 Comments

When someone tells you they identify as a Dominant or Master, submissive or slave – you have a pretty good idea what that means. But how about when someone tells you they’re a switch? Well, it means you need to ask more questions.
I often compare somebody that identifies as a switch to someone who identifies as bisexual. Now, before you get all upset, I understand that sexual orientation and D/s dynamic identifiers have nothing to do with one another. That is not what I compare. Here is what I mean: both identities lay upon a spectrum and there are some similar stereotypes that both groups deal with.

On one hand you can have someone like me – I personally identify as an s-type, however, I have the skills to top and do enjoy it on occasion with a handful of people. So, technically, I can say I’m a switch because I can Top and bottom for play. However, for me, I have no interest in being anyone’s Dominant or being involved in a D/s dynamic with me as the D-type. I won’t say it will never happen because I know better, it’s just not something I am interested in currently. On the other hand you will find people that feel equally Dominant and submissive and may have a partner (or partners) that they switch with – or are in a poly situation where they have one (or more) partner(s) they submit to and another (or others) they are a Dominant to. Some people may flow from one to another – go through phases if you will. Sometimes in their life they feel the need for more submission and at other times feel the need to express more of their Dominant side. Still others may lean more toward one side or another but it’s closer to a 60/40 than someone like me who is closer to 80/20 (or so). The point is that there is a very diverse spectrum when it comes to being a switch. Everyone is different and you just need to ask what it means to them.

Now I would like to address the stereotype that seems to get placed on switches that reminds me of the one placed on those that identify as bisexual. It’s the stereotype that a switch is confused about their identity, going through a phase, or just doesn’t want to commit one way or the other. While these things, of course, can be true for some people – it is not true for most.

Being a switch is just as much who they are as someone who knows they are a D-type or an s-type. I am not confused about what I like. That doesn’t mean it may not change. When I discovered this community I swore I was totally an s-type and would never be able to Top. Eventually I started exploring it because, well, why not? I believe this lifestyle is perfect for self-exploration and growth! So I explored the “Top side” of play. I had always gone to classes to learn how to use implements, etc. to enhance my play as a bottom and learn about it for safety reasons. So once I started to Top I already had some skill. I found I tend to prefer Topping s-type women. I can Top men, however, I usually do that from more of a “service Top” position. It’s not what curls my toes. I don’t know what will develop down the line. Perhaps I will come upon a woman I would like to serve me in some capacity. I try to never say never because none of us really know what the future holds. Does that change (if it were to happen) mean I’m just “going through a phase”? Absolutely not. I still feel my submission pulled from male Dom energy and believe I always will. It’s simply a matter of how my Top side will grow or with whom.

We all have our own story and our own journey. This space allows us to explore and reach in directions we never thought possible. Know thyself and then get to know others. Especially those darn switches! 🙂

Raise Your Hand If You are a Sensualist

July 17, 2017 By Mistress Sky 8 Comments

Not everyone is into pain (for pleasure). Not everyone who enjoys kink is into pain. A sensualist is not into pain. There are tens of thousands of sensualist dominants, sensualist submissives, sensualist slaves, and sensualist kinky players out in the wild who know what sensualism is about. Many of those thousands are entangled with the SM part of BDSM waters because it’s all that they know about. Many more will never begin their kink journey because they think that all BDSM activity includes pain. Pain lovers and non-pain lovers are all seeking intense pleasure or fascinating altered states or both but we get there by different paths.

Sensualism and being a sensualist are one end of the BDSM spectrum. Only part of the range is concerned with pain as the avenue to intense pleasure and wonderful altered states of consciousness. Another part of the range is in pursuit of the same goals but without pain in any form.

Sensualism is a commitment to adult play without pain and with an intention of inducing intense pleasure and/or desirable altered states of consciousness. Sensualist refers to the play participant, Top or Bottom, who loves all manner of ways to reach intense pleasure and/or desirable altered states without inducing pain.

Sensual fun is not what makes someone a sensualist. Sensuality is not sensualism. Two different things. Anyone along the BDSM spectrum might burn a scented candle or set the scene with low lighting and soft sheets. Pain lovers can use sensual techniques but that does not make them sensualists. They are sadists and masochists and, sometimes, some of them like to use sensual techniques in their scenes.

Biology or biochemistry, actually, determines whether someone is a no-pain-for-pleasure person. It is helpful to think of kinky people dividing into two categories: the pain seeking group gets a flow of endorphins in the brain that floats them into a higher space. Their brain chemistry is like that. Sensualists have very different wiring. If we feel pain during a scene we are not feeling affection for the Top who delivered the too strong sensation to our bodies. We just feel pain and hurt and maybe distrust for the Top. To a sensualist, pain is just pain. It will never deliver pleasure or anything wonderful to a sensualist’s body/mind.

On the other hand, sensualists are not pain-averse as a characteristic of being a sensualist. They can give pain in a context of consensual play as a matter of choice. A sensualist might top a masochist bottom in order to share a mutually desired experience or result with a play friend. A sensualist bottom might endure pain as a demonstration of his loyalty to his mistress.

Being a sensualist is as lively and fulfilling as any other kink lifestyle. Think of a kink activity. If it can’t be done without pain (cutting, for example) then it is not on a sensualist’s list. If it can be done and it has nothing to do with causing or receiving pain then it is sensualist good. If it is associated with pain but can be controlled away from pain then it can be included on the sensualist list. So, for example, impact play (flogging, caning, whipping, spanking, paddling) is associated with SM and pain but there is no reason why a sensualist Top cannot use impact play in a scene. Their sensualist Bottom would receive light to strong sensations in the body without ever entering the pain range. A sensualist Top would, in this example, explore a range of sensations short of giving pain. Sensualist fun for all.

Sensualists can play nice or they can play right at the edge of pain. Did you know that? A slow, even hair pulling within limits can be sexually stimulating for sensualist Top or a sensualist Bottom. Sensualists can play right at the edge of orgasm and enjoy riding the drug-like high. Look over there. That just might be a contented, sleepy-eyed sensualist curled up inside his mistress’s cage.

Not every kinky person is in to pain. This is good information for every Top who wants to best understand their prospective play partner. Sensualists need to know that they are not alone but rather are a large portion of a strongly diverse BDSM spectrum. We can all appreciate the existence of different paths to reach intense pleasure and/or altered states of consciousness whether you are a pain person or a no-pain person.

Mistress Sky is a tantra practitioner, bondage queen, and hypnotist. Professionally, Sky is a life positive counselor for alternative lifestyles at Gates Counseling. She gives presentations and workshops and writes about Unequal Partnership, the dominance/submission model that she developed over the last ten years.

Cause of Triggers During Play

June 25, 2017 By Jenn Masri 4 Comments

Triggers are things that should be acknowledged in a relationship and are one of the things we look at especially when we are going to play. This article can’t cover all the specific triggers you may or may not have, however, it will cover what various things can cause a trigger. You can be triggered in a positive way as well – which is lovely and not in need of an article! 🙂 Unfortunately most triggers are discovered because they happen during play. If this happens, whether you continue the scene or not, it is something to discuss and process – and then add to your future negotiations. The following are examples in each category and certainly not an all inclusive list.

TYPE OF IMPLEMENT/PLAY – You may be triggered by a specific implement or type of play. Maybe your punishment as a child was being hit with a belt. For many it’s a fetish and for some with a similar story, they may have turned it around into an enjoyable experience. However, if it creates a bad association for you, then it’s a trigger. Perhaps you were assaulted in the past and now a scene that includes “consensual non-consent” floods you with those awful memories.

POSITIONING – Being tied to a cross may not be a big deal, however, if told to take a spanking in the “diaper” position (basically laying on your back and pulling up your knees, similar to a baby getting a diaper change) you feel humiliated, and not in a sexy way.

PART OF BODY – There may be one or more places on your body that you don’t want touched, exposed or impacted. Sometimes this is because it just makes you angry if it happens and takes you out of your headspace. Sometimes there is a certain body part(s) that is linked to trauma or bad memories, etc.

WORDS – There are words that can trigger negative feelings. I might be really into sexual humiliation, yet if you call me fat or stupid (or the equivalent) I will be triggered. Being called certain titles/names can also be a trigger.

SOUND – The best example for this that I’ve seen is a Veteran having a PTSD response to someone cracking a whip. It could also be something as simple as a specific song.

SMELL – Our sense of smell is largely connected to our memories. You may be triggered by a certain type of cologne/perfume, cleaning products, lotion, etc.

Nothing is silly or unimportant. If it triggers you negatively PLEASE include it when you negotiate your scene. Your Top will appreciate it!

Psychology of BDSM Players

September 5, 2016 By Jenn Masri 4 Comments

When Fifty Shades of Grey came out it quickly became a book surrounded by controversy. To a majority of mainstream readers it was a titillating adventure filled with concepts that were foreign and sex that was taboo. To most of us in the BDSM world it was, at best, a trashy romance novel. However, there are some pros and cons to the book series and movie.

What did they get right?

Well, they pointed out a few things that can be a part of a D/s relationship. Things like negotiation, consent, use of safewords and contracts. Now, obviously this was a work of fiction and for them to go into the real details of these things would have probably bored the reader/moviegoer. However, at least they were touched upon in some way.

What did they get wrong?

One of the biggest things to jump out at me as I read the three book series was how the main character, Christian Grey, was depicted as the product of childhood abuse and the implication that it was the abuse that lead him down the path of BDSM. There is a huge stereotype that those of us into kink or BDSM are somehow damaged or are a product of physical and/or psychological abuse. The books are feeding right into this misconception.
Research has actually shown that folks into BDSM are not only healthy and no more likely to have suffered child abuse or sexual trauma than anyone else, but they are often (or in certain areas) healthier than mainstream society!

BDSMers that have undergone studies actually test somewhat less neurotic than others. They are also shown to be slightly more conscientious, more extroverted, and (not surprisingly) more open to new experiences.
As more studies are conducted, there is a growing amount of evidence that those who practice BDSM should NOT be associated with inadequate development due to trauma or other reasons. This should be viewed more as a lifestyle and/or recreation than an expression of psychopathological processes.

In addition, there have been studies that prove that BDSM play actually decreases stress hormones. So it’s actually good for your emotional well being – along with increasing a sense of intimacy with your partner.
So with that, take Fifty Shades as it’s meant to be – a romance novel/series. If you enjoyed reading it – wonderful. Just don’t generalize Christian Grey’s history of child abuse to BDSM practitioners in general. BDSM isn’t about abuse – it is simply another way consenting adults live their life, express themselves, and/or enjoy one another.

What’s Your Kink?

February 29, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

Obviously, kinks are important; after all we are titled KINK Weekly! So, let’s look at the world of kink!

“Kink” (dictionary.com): bizarre or unconventional sexual preferences or behavior

I do not work for the NBC Poll. But, I would bet that most people have sexual and/or play kinks. In the so-called vanilla world, they are usually viewed in a negative way. As a result, most mainstream commentators think that kinkiness is not the norm. But is anyone truly normal? Besides, normal or not, being kinky can be a lot of fun.

Post “Fifty Shades of Gray,” those even slightly into this lifestyle have a fresher way of looking at kinks and fetishes. Many are accepting that the danger of kinks lies not in having them, but in not acting on them. (We are of course, talking about consensual, legal adult kinks.)

The list of kinks is almost endless. In our handy-dandy Kink Weekly Checklist (below), there are more than two pages. And this is far from complete. Here is the checklist:

Abandonment
Acrophobia – being aroused from heights.
Acrotomophilia – being aroused by amputees.
Agalmatophilia – being aroused by statues.
Ass worship
Barosmia – being aroused by smells.
Being recorded
Body parts (including surgically enhanced)
Bondage
Boot worship
Branding
Brown showers
Catheterization
Chains
Chamber pots
Choking
Clamps
Cock cages
Cock rings
Corsets
Cross-dressing
Dirty sex (literal) – sexual activity in and around dirt, mud, or oil.
Douching
Electricity
Enemas
Erotic dancing
Exhibitionism
Fear play
Feathers/fur
Fire play
Foot worship
Caging
Confinement
Getting pain
Golden showers
Group sex
Cuckolding
Giving pain
Gun play
High heel worship
High Protocol
Humiliation
Immobilization
Infantilism
Knife play
Lactation
Latex
Leather
Lingerie
Medical instruments
Needles
Nuru massage
Obedience
Oral sex
Piercing (temporary and permanent)
Pet play
Piss play
Posing
Prostitution (role play)
Prostitution (real)
Public exposure
PVC
Recording scenes
Rituals
Saline infusion
Saran wrap
Sensory deprivation
Shaving
Skinny-dipping
Sex Slavery
Slut play
Spandex
Spanking
Speculums (anal)
Speculums (vaginal)
Spitting
Swallowing semen
Taking erotic photos
Tasting yourself
Tattoos
Tickling
Training
Uniforms
Voyeurism
Wax play
Wearing fluids
Whips
Wrestling
Writing on submissive

Quite a list. Hard to get bored around here!

We all have at least some of these kinks. “Rituals,” “Slut play” and “Sex Slavery” are just three of my many kinks. And, if you add to the list some of the more common “vanilla” fetishes such as the ever-popular “big breast” fetish, you can see that the only people without kinks and fetishes are those that don’t admit to having them. Think of our list as a “Kink Buffet”: pick out those that turn you on, skip the ones that don’t!

So, how do you find a partner to indulge your kinky needs? The best way is this super-effective technique, exclusive to Kink Weekly that I will share with you. Just ask (even at the risk of getting slapped) every prospective partner, “What’s your kink?” (Thus, the title of the article. It took awhile, but we got there!) This line works – even in vanilla settings. It has an edginess and gets to the point rather quickly.

Since everyone has a kink, why not find out if someone’s perversions dovetail into yours? “What’s your kink,” or the alternate “What’s your fetish?” asked even at a vanilla bar, might just be the ticket!

And in future issues, we will spotlight many of these kinks both in word and image. Here at Kink Weekly, we want our members to be able to “scratch that kinky itch.” Because if you don’t, you might have a permanent frown on your face!

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Pushing a Dynamic

January 25, 2016 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

This, like most of my articles, is for both sides of the slash. Let’s start with what you hear of more commonly. The D-type pushing boundaries or pressuring an s-type, especially the newbies, to act as if they are in a power exchange dynamic. So all you s-types listen up: Just because you’re AN s-type, doesn’t mean you’re HIS or HER s-type! If you haven’t heard this before, it won’t be the last time. A power exchange dynamic, just like play, is something you enter into with consent and communication.

So how might a D-type push these boundaries?

One way can be before you ever meet them. It could be as soon as their first message to you. Greeting you, making their intention known and then “giving you permission” to call them Sir/Mistress, etc. Why? Just because you’re an s-type? Calling someone by a title is something you do as part of a dynamic. (By the way this is not in reference to those who refer to everyone as Sir or Ma’am out of politeness nor toward those that have it as part of their protocol.) You in no way “owe” this to anyone, especially someone you’ve never met! Remember you have a voice. Let them know you aren’t comfortable referring to them that way since you’ve never met. Or perhaps it wasn’t their first message, but only a handful of messages in. Either way, whether you’ve been chatting for one minute or one year, titles are things you discuss. If they get upset, then I would take that as a huge red flag. Chances are, at best, they are role-playing the D-type thing and really have no idea or interest in how these things work. At worst, they are purposefully trying to manipulate you.

Besides expecting titles to be used, there are other ways that D-types can push a dynamic. It could be at a party or munch where they tell you to get them something or expect you to cater to them. Key words here are “tell you” and “expect”. It’s one thing to politely ask for a favor, it’s another to simply assume you are at their beck and call just because of how you identify.

Now on to the other side of the issue. S-types can push a dynamic as well. Here’s how…

So you, a D-type, find someone to chat with on Fetlife. Things are going well up to this point, only a dozen or so messages back and forth so far. That’s when the s-type hits you with, “what do you want to do to me Daddy/Mommy?” or “What did Master/Mistress do today?”

Daddy?! Master?! Mommy?! Mistress?!

Hold on there! These are titles that should be earned, discussed, and negotiated. Now, this s-type could be trying to push for a dynamic or relationship prematurely, or they may not know any better. I think it’s a common misperception that s-types are expected to use titles for every D-type. This is especially true for those that are new in the scene. I recommend, if this happens to you, to let them know that they do not need to call you by a title, that your name (or preferred label) is perfectly acceptable until or unless you both agree to enter into something more. Now, if they disregard that request, then you may have an issue.

What it comes down to is that a power exchange dynamic is something to be respected and taken seriously. Try not to move too quickly and be wary of those that do. It’s ok to move at a slower pace, at your pace, until the time is right.

Baadmaster’s Guide to Public Play: Part One

December 21, 2015 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

As this is the party season, chances are you will be invited to at least one BSDM “play party.” In these types of gatherings, some couples perform BDSM scenes for everyone to see. Others just socialize. Play parties, besides being fun and instructive, are great for submissives who would find the “I have a private dungeon and don’t play in public” Fifty Shades type of Dominant creepy – or even dangerous.

If you are new to this tradition, let these articles be your guide into the world of public play. If you are experienced, a little review is always good for the soul. It might even inspire you to revisit some aspects of public play you may be overlooking or forgetting. Since there are many aspects of public play, we will treat them in three separate installments, ingeniously titled “Part I,” Part II and Part III.”

Most play parties are usually either invitation-only affairs in private homes or semi-public affairs that are usually held at a local dungeon or BDSM club. In both instances, a major feature of these parties is the public play that goes on there. Most times, a large array of equipment (such as St. Andrews crosses, suspension devices, spanking benches, stocks, cages, etc.) are provided for “scening” — as public BDSM play is called. If this is your first play party, fear not. You will not be forced to play. Typically, only about half of the guests actually play; the rest watch the action. This is perfect synergy – the performers perform and the voyeurs voyeur, and everyone is happy!

At every play party, one rule that is always in force is the “rule of consent.” Just because a person is submissive – or even naked! – doesn’t mean that he/she must defer to any Dominant. Permission for anything, from simple touching to playing, must be asked for and granted by the submissive. (Or by the submissive’s Dominant, if that is their arrangement.) A good strategy for any submissive who has a Dom/Domme is to refer all requests for play to the Dominant he/she arrived with. Remember, if you are a single submissive, you always have the right to say “no.” Always. No exceptions. Ever.

Each dungeon, club or private party, has its own “house rules.” No smoking is fairly common, as is no alcohol. (It is not a good idea to drink and play.) Typically, the basic “house rules” are clearly posted. For example, when you enter Los Angeles’ famed Lair De Sade, the following notice is clearly posted.

“OUR BASIC RULE IS THAT “MUTUAL CONSENT & RESPECT ARE MANDATORY. DISBURSEMENT OF NEGATIVE ENERGY
DISRESPECTS A PARTY ~ KEEP IT OFF THE PREMISES, PLEASE!”

Keeping this rule in mind, if you are watching a scene, never make a loud comment, interrupt a scene or enter the “scene space.” Surely, don’t just join them without permission. (This seems so obvious, we mention it simply for the humor in the image of someone “just joining in!”) Keep in mind that a submissive can be bounced out of subspace, or a Dom/me out of Top space, by comments, laughter, distractions, etc. So, be respectful. You don’t have to treat someone’s play area with the solemnity of a televised golf match. But, an attitude of respect and courtesy should be maintained.

If you wish to compliment the players on a particularly good scene, wait until it is over. Do not applaud in the middle of it. Keep in mind that these scenes are really private scenes, even if they are being acted out in public view.

Even if you are an advanced player, some activities, such as fire play, knife play and blood play require permission of the host. Oft times wax play, because it is so messy, is also prohibited. There is also a house safe word, which is usually “red.” If you are not sure about any rules, ask the host or a Dungeon Monitor. Dungeon Monitors, or DMs, are there to watch out for any dangerous play and to see that the house rules are observed. Even in this new world of post “Fifty Shades,” where almost everything goes, house rules, which are based on common sense, are always to be observed.

Play parties can be foreboding if you go into it with the wrong attitude. You are there to have fun and make some friends in the BDSM scene; you should only play in public after you feel comfortable and even excited about doing it. No one expects you to play the first time you attend a play party; that is your option. In fact, we usually suggest you do not play in public at your first play party. After all, the best way to learn how to use the equipment is to go to a dungeon party and watch others play. It is a great opportunity to observe your fellow kinksters in action, exchange ideas and learn as much as you can, and have a good time in the process.

In our next installment, we will get specific with respect to actual play and offer suggestions how to make public play both safe and exciting. Stay tuned!

by Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Subspace and Subdrop

December 21, 2015 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

Subspace is something you hear about all the time in the scene. If you haven’t experienced it, then it may be this elusive wonderment of mind altering amazingness. If you have experienced it, then you know it can take different forms. It may be a simple state of relaxation, almost meditative, to a feeling compared to an out of body experience. One thing is important to keep in mind. You don’t need to experience subspace to enjoy an amazing scene.

So what is subspace anyway? Subspace can happen due to two different things. One is pain, or physically based. It is basically what happens when various chemicals in your body are released during play. When your body experiences extreme sensations it releases endorphins and adrenaline. These increase pain tolerance and can induce a floaty, trance-like state of mind. One thing I like to compare this to is a runner’s high. It’s the most similar “vanilla” activity I can think of for comparison if you haven’t experienced subspace yet. Bottoms will commonly compare it to feeling drunk, tipsy, or floaty.

The other type of subspace is more psychologically based. The bottom may experience this “spacey” feeling upon kneeling at the start of the scene at their Top’s feet, or feeling their Top’s hand grip their hair. These mental and emotional associations are strong and can cause an instant feeling of relaxation and centeredness. This is typically a lovely feeling that connects the bottom more strongly with their play partner/Top and helps them relax into the scene. It can also help a bottom connect more to their submission.

Keep in mind that with either or both types of subspace – the bottom is in an altered state of mind. This is why I make it a rule to never re-negotiate limits during a scene. It would be equivalent to asking someone to have sex while they’re drunk who had previously said no. Also it’s important to understand that because their pain tolerance is heightened, the Top should maintain awareness of how hard they go with play.

Now. What goes up, must come down.

Subdrop

Once the body has pushed these chemicals into your system, they must eventually regulate. When play is done the body stops releasing extra endorphins, etc and the body’s more regulated system kicks in. The immediate indication of this is typically a decrease in body temperature and a more trance-like state of mind. This is why you will see bottoms in aftercare wrapped in a blanket and looking disconnected. Drop is one reason that aftercare is so important. However, drop can happen hours or days after the scene has ended.

Slave Contracts: Part One

November 23, 2015 By Baadmaster 6 Comments

“The elephant in the room.” You’ve heard that expression a million times. For us at Kink Weekly, the “elephant in the room” is Fifty Shades of Grey. It has brought a kinda-sorta BDSM consciousness to the masses; its effects, both good and bad, cannot be ignored. This article will not address the pros and cons of this film, but rather it will expand on one of the most discussed aspect of it – slave contracts. While BDSM styles, protocols and rituals come and go, slave contracts endure. Slave contracts, to this day, are an integral part of many D/s and BDSM relationships. Why?

First, they are sexy. One cannot get hotter than a paragraph that says, “I will devote myself completely and totally to the pleasure and desires of my Master…”

Second, they remind the Dom/me and the sub of their duties during the term of the contract.

Third, they do render a small amount of legal protection were issues of consent to arise. (One cannot legally consent to being beaten; but a contract with the word “consensual” in it can mitigate some legal concerns.)

Finally, they are fun.

As an exclusive to Kink Weekly, we have compiled a number of slave contracts. After all, one size does NOT fit all. Surely, with the selection we are presenting, you will find a template that fits your needs. And remember, these contracts are subject to negotiation!

This first contract is the one I use. It is not open ended, has some great general rules and contains a safe word. (Although some High Protocol Masters eschew the safe word, I always use it.) This contract covers a lot of the bases – especially addressing “Work Rules of Conduct.” And the “I” is in lower case to reinforce submission!

Master/Mistress and Slave

Of my own free will and out of a desire to express my love and devotion to the man (woman) i love and adore, i offer myself in slavery to my Master for the period beginning on __________ and ending at noon on_____________.
Although i consider myself to be slave full-time to Master, during the time period expressed above, i will devote myself completely and totally to the pleasure and desires of my Master, without hesitation or consideration of myself or others.

General Rules

The slave agrees to obey her Master in all respects. his/her mind, body, heart and time belong to Him . The slave accepts the responsibility of using her safe word (red!) or safe signal (to be agreed upon) when necessary, and trusts implicitly in her Master to respect the use of that safe word. If a condition arises in which the slave needs to use the safe word or gesture, her Master will assess the situation, and determine an appropriate course of action.

The slave shall keep her body available for the use of her Master at all times. In addition, the slave agrees that her Master possesses the right to determine whether others can use her body and what use they may put it to. The Master will discuss all such instances in advance with the slave, to be certain that such play with others will not violate any established limits. The slave shall demonstrate her acceptance of her role of service and availability at all times while at home and at other times and places specified by her Master. The slave acknowledges that her Master may use her body or mind in any manner He wishes within the parameters of safety. He may hurt her without reason to please Himself. The slave enjoys the right to cry, scream or beg, but accepts the fact that these heartfelt expressions will not affect her treatment. Further, she accepts that if her Master tires of her noise, he may gag her or take other actions to silence her.

The slave will answer any questions put to her honestly and directly, and will volunteer any information her Master should know about her physical or emotional condition. While her Master expects His slave to speak honestly and forth rightly about anything that bothers her, she is not to interpret that as permission to whine or complain. she will phrase her concerns politely and respectfully, and then gracefully accept her Master’s judgment in these matters without further complaint.
The slave will always speak of her Master in terms of love and respect. She will address him at all times as either “Master” or “Sir” (see Public Rules of Conduct).

The Master may give the slave “free periods” in His presence during which the slave may express herself openly and freely. There will be no punishments applied during “free periods.” It is understood, however, that the slave will continue to address her Master with respect and love at all times and that deviations from the rule are subject to punishment at a later time.
The slave agrees that severe punishment may be assessed for any infraction of the letter or spirit of the contract, and will accept the correction gratefully. The form and extent of the punishment shall be at the Master’s pleasure, and the Master shall make it clear to the slave that she is being punished when punishment occurs. The Master shall endeavor not to inflict physical harm upon the slave that might require the attention of anyone outside the relationship. Master and slave agree that in extremes either may activate a free period by using the safe word. The free period will continue until both parties agree that the problem(s) concerned are resolved.

The slave is permitted to engage in any and all activities not actively forbidden by the contract or by later edict of the Master. All rights and privileges not otherwise noted in this contract belong to the Master, and He may exercise them as He chooses.

Private Rules of Conduct

On days when her Master is at work, the slave will greet Him wearing her collar, wrist restraints, and a shirt belonging to her Master. She will wear no underclothes in His presence unless given permission. On days when the Master is home, the slave will wear whatever is deemed appropriate by her Master. When in the same room as her Master, the slave will ask permission before leaving the room, explain where she is going, and why. At mealtimes, the slave will serve her Master, and sit at His feet while He eats. Food for the slave will be given by the Master at His discretion. When speaking to her Master or being spoken to by Him, the slave will assume a demeanor of alert attention and will meet her Master’s eyes directly, unless instructed to do otherwise.

Public Rules of Conduct

The slave will conduct herself at all times in such a manner as to not call attention to Master and slave. she will call her Master/Mistress by His/Her name only if the use of “Master” is inappropriate. The slave will defer to her Master in public. The slave may dress herself, but must seek approval of any clothing she wishes to wear in public. Unless specifically stated otherwise, the slave may not wear panties.

Work Rules of Conduct

No part of the agreement is intended to interfere with the slave’s career. The Master wishes the slave to work hard and honestly, in general to conduct herself in a manner calculated to bring honor and respect to them both. During periods of work, the slave is permitted to schedule appointments, to dress in a manner appropriate to work, and to leave the house when necessary. During periods of work, the slave may answer the telephone and discuss business without the expressed permission of her Master. With my signature below, i agree to accept and obey all preceding rules as well as any rules my Master may choose to issue at a later date. i gratefully consign by body and soul to my Master for His pleasure and use for the contract period noted above.

_____________________________________________ slave __________________ Date

I accept My slave’s desire to serve Me more fully, and take responsibility for her well-being, training and discipline to more perfectly serve My will.

_________________________________________ Master/Mistress _________________ Date

For those of you who wish a shorter, more general and yet more sexually based slave contract, I offer the following:

Slave Contract

This contract sets out the conditions of mutual consent under which _________________________ is to be held in sexual bondage and the terms of her enslavement.

Of my own free will, I offer myself in slavery to my Master/Mistress for the period beginning on __________ and ending at noon on_____________.

This contract also affirms that she/he shall be offered the use of a safe word (safe word: _______), the use of which in any situation whatsoever automatically stops any activity at that time.

Slave also has the right to cancel any and all conditions of this contract at any time.

Conditions:
I accept sexual use and abuse of my body while under discipline for any purpose.
I accept that I shall be placed in and kept under strict discipline within the negotiated time limit.
I accept any form of punishment meted out to me while under discipline.
I accept any form of restraint and chastisement, administered as Master desires.
I accept that the various forms of torment to which I am to be subjected may cause suffering. I wish it to be known through this document that I am aware that any such suffering is part of my training program.
I accept that I am subject to the absolute rule of my Master and those to whom he delegates that rule. This may be taken to mean that I am subject to sale, exchange, or loan without redress to those of corresponding status with my Master, but only within the context of this contract.
I accept that subtle rebellion is expected of me, and lack of it taken to the point of docility is likely to terminate this contract.
I accept that no form of disobedience will be tolerated when in the company of my Master, other Masters or Mistresses and slaves and that I must conduct myself precisely as instructed on each specific occasion.
I accept that I remain under the disciplinary code imposed by this contract at all times and am bound by it’s terms and conditions in all situations, whether closely supervised or not.

I _________________________, do set my signature to this document of my own free will, thus becoming the property of _____________________________, in full understanding that I may be used for any sexual or disciplinary purpose whatsoever, without prior limits.

SIGNED: _____________________________________ slave Date: ____________

SIGNED: _____________________________________ Master Date: ____________

Next week, we will be presenting two more slave contracts, one of which will include collaring. With this selection, we hope you
can find the right slave contract for your relationship.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Terminology

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