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You are here: Home / Archives for Terminology

Terminology

Joining the Kink Community

August 28, 2017 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

Tunnel Light

Discovering the world of kink can be a fabulous and overwhelming experience. So where do you go? What do you do? This can be especially nerve wracking if you are coming in like I did – unpartnered and clueless.

In my opinion Fetlife is the best way to find events in the scene. Most event coordinators will promote there whether or not they promote elsewhere. So the first step, if you haven’t already, is to join Fetlife. Go to Fetlife.com and create a profile. Feel free to use a stock photo or a picture of your dog as your profile pic until you come up with something better. Just don’t leave it empty for long. The profiles with a big “?” as the profile pic may make people think it’s a fake account, you’re a troll, etc. Also, keep in mind my next step will only work if you input your actual city or one that is near you. I understand if you are uncomfortable putting your specific city name – but even a nearby city will work. For example if you live in Santa Monica (which is a beach city near Los Angeles) then use Santa Monica or Los Angeles. However, if you use Antarctica (and don’t actually live there) then my next suggestion will not work.

On to the next step. Along the top of the site you will see a link for “Events” – click on it. Under “Upcoming Events” you will notice three tabs. “Friends RSVPed to”, “Near Me”, and “All Events”. If you are brand new to the site, chances are you don’t have any (or many) friends on your friends list yet, so that tab won’t offer much. The “All Events” tab will be overwhelming and probably take you a while to scroll through, however, if you posted a fake city this will be your option. So that leaves you with the “Near Me” tab. Click it! You will probably have to get through the first few pages of events that recently happened before you get to the current date. Then look at each event listed for the dates coming up that you have some free time. My opinion is that you focus on finding a class first. Starting with classes accomplishes a few things – you learn something regardless of current interests, you meet people in a non-pressure environment, and if you are on the shy side there is less expectation of socialization. So find a class on any topic that works for your schedule and GO!

(*If you are in the Los Angeles area I know a wonderful BDSM 101 Series at Sanctuary you can attend every Monday at 8pm – wink wink.)

My first class was on singletails (a.k.a whips). Was I interested in singletails? Nope. Did they, in fact, terrify me? Yep. I went anyway because I figured I would meet other people who were active in the scene and possibly learn something – or at least have fun watching the demo. Sure enough, all of those things happened. There was no pressure to play (because it wasn’t a party), going alone wasn’t awkward, and even though I am very social and extroverted, there was more focus on the class and presenter, which was nice given my newbie status.

Once you’re at the class be sure to approach either the instructor (after the class is finished) or another classmate that looks friendly and let them know you’re new and wondering what other classes or munches are coming up. Ask if they will be there – then you will have a familiar face to look for.

Go to more classes, start attending munches. Munches are just where a group of kinksters get together in a vanilla setting (usually a restaurant) to eat and socialize. Let people know you’re new and looking for friends and other events. Once you are ready to attend a play party you will have met lots of people and started to create a friends list. You will have people to reach out to and to look for and talk to at events.

I know you may be anxious to start playing and/or finding a partner. However, my advice is to slow it down and take your time. Get to know the scene and the people in it. Get a feel for who is experienced in the type of play you want to try, who you can trust, etc. I know it can be overwhelming and scary at first – and your experience will differ depending on how big your local scene is – but enjoy the process. View it as an adventure to be explored!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: bdsm, Classes, comingout, Event, Journey, Los Angeles, newbies, scene, Terminology

What is a Switch?

August 14, 2017 By Jenn Masri 9 Comments

anniebear-doms-email-photo

When someone tells you they identify as a Dominant or Master, submissive or slave – you have a pretty good idea what that means. But how about when someone tells you they’re a switch? Well, it means you need to ask more questions.
I often compare somebody that identifies as a switch to someone who identifies as bisexual. Now, before you get all upset, I understand that sexual orientation and D/s dynamic identifiers have nothing to do with one another. That is not what I compare. Here is what I mean: both identities lay upon a spectrum and there are some similar stereotypes that both groups deal with.

On one hand you can have someone like me – I personally identify as an s-type, however, I have the skills to top and do enjoy it on occasion with a handful of people. So, technically, I can say I’m a switch because I can Top and bottom for play. However, for me, I have no interest in being anyone’s Dominant or being involved in a D/s dynamic with me as the D-type. I won’t say it will never happen because I know better, it’s just not something I am interested in currently. On the other hand you will find people that feel equally Dominant and submissive and may have a partner (or partners) that they switch with – or are in a poly situation where they have one (or more) partner(s) they submit to and another (or others) they are a Dominant to. Some people may flow from one to another – go through phases if you will. Sometimes in their life they feel the need for more submission and at other times feel the need to express more of their Dominant side. Still others may lean more toward one side or another but it’s closer to a 60/40 than someone like me who is closer to 80/20 (or so). The point is that there is a very diverse spectrum when it comes to being a switch. Everyone is different and you just need to ask what it means to them.

Now I would like to address the stereotype that seems to get placed on switches that reminds me of the one placed on those that identify as bisexual. It’s the stereotype that a switch is confused about their identity, going through a phase, or just doesn’t want to commit one way or the other. While these things, of course, can be true for some people – it is not true for most.

Being a switch is just as much who they are as someone who knows they are a D-type or an s-type. I am not confused about what I like. That doesn’t mean it may not change. When I discovered this community I swore I was totally an s-type and would never be able to Top. Eventually I started exploring it because, well, why not? I believe this lifestyle is perfect for self-exploration and growth! So I explored the “Top side” of play. I had always gone to classes to learn how to use implements, etc. to enhance my play as a bottom and learn about it for safety reasons. So once I started to Top I already had some skill. I found I tend to prefer Topping s-type women. I can Top men, however, I usually do that from more of a “service Top” position. It’s not what curls my toes. I don’t know what will develop down the line. Perhaps I will come upon a woman I would like to serve me in some capacity. I try to never say never because none of us really know what the future holds. Does that change (if it were to happen) mean I’m just “going through a phase”? Absolutely not. I still feel my submission pulled from male Dom energy and believe I always will. It’s simply a matter of how my Top side will grow or with whom.

We all have our own story and our own journey. This space allows us to explore and reach in directions we never thought possible. Know thyself and then get to know others. Especially those darn switches! 🙂

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: comingout, dynamic, education, roles, switch, Terminology

Raise Your Hand If You are a Sensualist

July 17, 2017 By Mistress Sky 8 Comments

Not everyone is into pain (for pleasure). Not everyone who enjoys kink is into pain. A sensualist is not into pain. There are tens of thousands of sensualist dominants, sensualist submissives, sensualist slaves, and sensualist kinky players out in the wild who know what sensualism is about. Many of those thousands are entangled with the SM part of BDSM waters because it’s all that they know about. Many more will never begin their kink journey because they think that all BDSM activity includes pain. Pain lovers and non-pain lovers are all seeking intense pleasure or fascinating altered states or both but we get there by different paths.

Sensualism and being a sensualist are one end of the BDSM spectrum. Only part of the range is concerned with pain as the avenue to intense pleasure and wonderful altered states of consciousness. Another part of the range is in pursuit of the same goals but without pain in any form.

Sensualism is a commitment to adult play without pain and with an intention of inducing intense pleasure and/or desirable altered states of consciousness. Sensualist refers to the play participant, Top or Bottom, who loves all manner of ways to reach intense pleasure and/or desirable altered states without inducing pain.

Sensual fun is not what makes someone a sensualist. Sensuality is not sensualism. Two different things. Anyone along the BDSM spectrum might burn a scented candle or set the scene with low lighting and soft sheets. Pain lovers can use sensual techniques but that does not make them sensualists. They are sadists and masochists and, sometimes, some of them like to use sensual techniques in their scenes.

Biology or biochemistry, actually, determines whether someone is a no-pain-for-pleasure person. It is helpful to think of kinky people dividing into two categories: the pain seeking group gets a flow of endorphins in the brain that floats them into a higher space. Their brain chemistry is like that. Sensualists have very different wiring. If we feel pain during a scene we are not feeling affection for the Top who delivered the too strong sensation to our bodies. We just feel pain and hurt and maybe distrust for the Top. To a sensualist, pain is just pain. It will never deliver pleasure or anything wonderful to a sensualist’s body/mind.

On the other hand, sensualists are not pain-averse as a characteristic of being a sensualist. They can give pain in a context of consensual play as a matter of choice. A sensualist might top a masochist bottom in order to share a mutually desired experience or result with a play friend. A sensualist bottom might endure pain as a demonstration of his loyalty to his mistress.

Being a sensualist is as lively and fulfilling as any other kink lifestyle. Think of a kink activity. If it can’t be done without pain (cutting, for example) then it is not on a sensualist’s list. If it can be done and it has nothing to do with causing or receiving pain then it is sensualist good. If it is associated with pain but can be controlled away from pain then it can be included on the sensualist list. So, for example, impact play (flogging, caning, whipping, spanking, paddling) is associated with SM and pain but there is no reason why a sensualist Top cannot use impact play in a scene. Their sensualist Bottom would receive light to strong sensations in the body without ever entering the pain range. A sensualist Top would, in this example, explore a range of sensations short of giving pain. Sensualist fun for all.

Sensualists can play nice or they can play right at the edge of pain. Did you know that? A slow, even hair pulling within limits can be sexually stimulating for sensualist Top or a sensualist Bottom. Sensualists can play right at the edge of orgasm and enjoy riding the drug-like high. Look over there. That just might be a contented, sleepy-eyed sensualist curled up inside his mistress’s cage.

Not every kinky person is in to pain. This is good information for every Top who wants to best understand their prospective play partner. Sensualists need to know that they are not alone but rather are a large portion of a strongly diverse BDSM spectrum. We can all appreciate the existence of different paths to reach intense pleasure and/or altered states of consciousness whether you are a pain person or a no-pain person.

Mistress Sky is a tantra practitioner, bondage queen, and hypnotist. Professionally, Sky is a life positive counselor for alternative lifestyles at Gates Counseling. She gives presentations and workshops and writes about Unequal Partnership, the dominance/submission model that she developed over the last ten years.

Tagged With: dominant, education, sensualist, subspace, Terminology

Cause of Triggers During Play

June 25, 2017 By Jenn Masri 4 Comments

frustrated young business man

Triggers are things that should be acknowledged in a relationship and are one of the things we look at especially when we are going to play. This article can’t cover all the specific triggers you may or may not have, however, it will cover what various things can cause a trigger. You can be triggered in a positive way as well – which is lovely and not in need of an article! 🙂 Unfortunately most triggers are discovered because they happen during play. If this happens, whether you continue the scene or not, it is something to discuss and process – and then add to your future negotiations. The following are examples in each category and certainly not an all inclusive list.

TYPE OF IMPLEMENT/PLAY – You may be triggered by a specific implement or type of play. Maybe your punishment as a child was being hit with a belt. For many it’s a fetish and for some with a similar story, they may have turned it around into an enjoyable experience. However, if it creates a bad association for you, then it’s a trigger. Perhaps you were assaulted in the past and now a scene that includes “consensual non-consent” floods you with those awful memories.

POSITIONING – Being tied to a cross may not be a big deal, however, if told to take a spanking in the “diaper” position (basically laying on your back and pulling up your knees, similar to a baby getting a diaper change) you feel humiliated, and not in a sexy way.

PART OF BODY – There may be one or more places on your body that you don’t want touched, exposed or impacted. Sometimes this is because it just makes you angry if it happens and takes you out of your headspace. Sometimes there is a certain body part(s) that is linked to trauma or bad memories, etc.

WORDS – There are words that can trigger negative feelings. I might be really into sexual humiliation, yet if you call me fat or stupid (or the equivalent) I will be triggered. Being called certain titles/names can also be a trigger.

SOUND – The best example for this that I’ve seen is a Veteran having a PTSD response to someone cracking a whip. It could also be something as simple as a specific song.

SMELL – Our sense of smell is largely connected to our memories. You may be triggered by a certain type of cologne/perfume, cleaning products, lotion, etc.

Nothing is silly or unimportant. If it triggers you negatively PLEASE include it when you negotiate your scene. Your Top will appreciate it!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: bdsm, dynamic, education, Journey, scene, Terminology, triggers

Psychology of BDSM Players

September 5, 2016 By Jenn Masri 4 Comments

Regrets wrong doing. Man having a duh moment

When Fifty Shades of Grey came out it quickly became a book surrounded by controversy. To a majority of mainstream readers it was a titillating adventure filled with concepts that were foreign and sex that was taboo. To most of us in the BDSM world it was, at best, a trashy romance novel. However, there are some pros and cons to the book series and movie.

What did they get right?

Well, they pointed out a few things that can be a part of a D/s relationship. Things like negotiation, consent, use of safewords and contracts. Now, obviously this was a work of fiction and for them to go into the real details of these things would have probably bored the reader/moviegoer. However, at least they were touched upon in some way.

What did they get wrong?

One of the biggest things to jump out at me as I read the three book series was how the main character, Christian Grey, was depicted as the product of childhood abuse and the implication that it was the abuse that lead him down the path of BDSM. There is a huge stereotype that those of us into kink or BDSM are somehow damaged or are a product of physical and/or psychological abuse. The books are feeding right into this misconception.
Research has actually shown that folks into BDSM are not only healthy and no more likely to have suffered child abuse or sexual trauma than anyone else, but they are often (or in certain areas) healthier than mainstream society!

BDSMers that have undergone studies actually test somewhat less neurotic than others. They are also shown to be slightly more conscientious, more extroverted, and (not surprisingly) more open to new experiences.
As more studies are conducted, there is a growing amount of evidence that those who practice BDSM should NOT be associated with inadequate development due to trauma or other reasons. This should be viewed more as a lifestyle and/or recreation than an expression of psychopathological processes.

In addition, there have been studies that prove that BDSM play actually decreases stress hormones. So it’s actually good for your emotional well being – along with increasing a sense of intimacy with your partner.
So with that, take Fifty Shades as it’s meant to be – a romance novel/series. If you enjoyed reading it – wonderful. Just don’t generalize Christian Grey’s history of child abuse to BDSM practitioners in general. BDSM isn’t about abuse – it is simply another way consenting adults live their life, express themselves, and/or enjoy one another.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: bdsm, education, Fifty Shades of Gray, Terminology

What’s Your Kink?

February 29, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

Fetish Hand cuffs, collar, whip dominatrix

Obviously, kinks are important; after all we are titled KINK Weekly! So, let’s look at the world of kink!

“Kink” (dictionary.com): bizarre or unconventional sexual preferences or behavior

I do not work for the NBC Poll. But, I would bet that most people have sexual and/or play kinks. In the so-called vanilla world, they are usually viewed in a negative way. As a result, most mainstream commentators think that kinkiness is not the norm. But is anyone truly normal? Besides, normal or not, being kinky can be a lot of fun.

Post “Fifty Shades of Gray,” those even slightly into this lifestyle have a fresher way of looking at kinks and fetishes. Many are accepting that the danger of kinks lies not in having them, but in not acting on them. (We are of course, talking about consensual, legal adult kinks.)

The list of kinks is almost endless. In our handy-dandy Kink Weekly Checklist (below), there are more than two pages. And this is far from complete. Here is the checklist:

Abandonment
Acrophobia – being aroused from heights.
Acrotomophilia – being aroused by amputees.
Agalmatophilia – being aroused by statues.
Ass worship
Barosmia – being aroused by smells.
Being recorded
Body parts (including surgically enhanced)
Bondage
Boot worship
Branding
Brown showers
Catheterization
Chains
Chamber pots
Choking
Clamps
Cock cages
Cock rings
Corsets
Cross-dressing
Dirty sex (literal) – sexual activity in and around dirt, mud, or oil.
Douching
Electricity
Enemas
Erotic dancing
Exhibitionism
Fear play
Feathers/fur
Fire play
Foot worship
Caging
Confinement
Getting pain
Golden showers
Group sex
Cuckolding
Giving pain
Gun play
High heel worship
High Protocol
Humiliation
Immobilization
Infantilism
Knife play
Lactation
Latex
Leather
Lingerie
Medical instruments
Needles
Nuru massage
Obedience
Oral sex
Piercing (temporary and permanent)
Pet play
Piss play
Posing
Prostitution (role play)
Prostitution (real)
Public exposure
PVC
Recording scenes
Rituals
Saline infusion
Saran wrap
Sensory deprivation
Shaving
Skinny-dipping
Sex Slavery
Slut play
Spandex
Spanking
Speculums (anal)
Speculums (vaginal)
Spitting
Swallowing semen
Taking erotic photos
Tasting yourself
Tattoos
Tickling
Training
Uniforms
Voyeurism
Wax play
Wearing fluids
Whips
Wrestling
Writing on submissive

Quite a list. Hard to get bored around here!

We all have at least some of these kinks. “Rituals,” “Slut play” and “Sex Slavery” are just three of my many kinks. And, if you add to the list some of the more common “vanilla” fetishes such as the ever-popular “big breast” fetish, you can see that the only people without kinks and fetishes are those that don’t admit to having them. Think of our list as a “Kink Buffet”: pick out those that turn you on, skip the ones that don’t!

So, how do you find a partner to indulge your kinky needs? The best way is this super-effective technique, exclusive to Kink Weekly that I will share with you. Just ask (even at the risk of getting slapped) every prospective partner, “What’s your kink?” (Thus, the title of the article. It took awhile, but we got there!) This line works – even in vanilla settings. It has an edginess and gets to the point rather quickly.

Since everyone has a kink, why not find out if someone’s perversions dovetail into yours? “What’s your kink,” or the alternate “What’s your fetish?” asked even at a vanilla bar, might just be the ticket!

And in future issues, we will spotlight many of these kinks both in word and image. Here at Kink Weekly, we want our members to be able to “scratch that kinky itch.” Because if you don’t, you might have a permanent frown on your face!

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, Journey, kink, Terminology

Pushing a Dynamic

January 25, 2016 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

lock and chain

This, like most of my articles, is for both sides of the slash. Let’s start with what you hear of more commonly. The D-type pushing boundaries or pressuring an s-type, especially the newbies, to act as if they are in a power exchange dynamic. So all you s-types listen up: Just because you’re AN s-type, doesn’t mean you’re HIS or HER s-type! If you haven’t heard this before, it won’t be the last time. A power exchange dynamic, just like play, is something you enter into with consent and communication.

So how might a D-type push these boundaries?

One way can be before you ever meet them. It could be as soon as their first message to you. Greeting you, making their intention known and then “giving you permission” to call them Sir/Mistress, etc. Why? Just because you’re an s-type? Calling someone by a title is something you do as part of a dynamic. (By the way this is not in reference to those who refer to everyone as Sir or Ma’am out of politeness nor toward those that have it as part of their protocol.) You in no way “owe” this to anyone, especially someone you’ve never met! Remember you have a voice. Let them know you aren’t comfortable referring to them that way since you’ve never met. Or perhaps it wasn’t their first message, but only a handful of messages in. Either way, whether you’ve been chatting for one minute or one year, titles are things you discuss. If they get upset, then I would take that as a huge red flag. Chances are, at best, they are role-playing the D-type thing and really have no idea or interest in how these things work. At worst, they are purposefully trying to manipulate you.

Besides expecting titles to be used, there are other ways that D-types can push a dynamic. It could be at a party or munch where they tell you to get them something or expect you to cater to them. Key words here are “tell you” and “expect”. It’s one thing to politely ask for a favor, it’s another to simply assume you are at their beck and call just because of how you identify.

Now on to the other side of the issue. S-types can push a dynamic as well. Here’s how…

So you, a D-type, find someone to chat with on Fetlife. Things are going well up to this point, only a dozen or so messages back and forth so far. That’s when the s-type hits you with, “what do you want to do to me Daddy/Mommy?” or “What did Master/Mistress do today?”

Daddy?! Master?! Mommy?! Mistress?!

Hold on there! These are titles that should be earned, discussed, and negotiated. Now, this s-type could be trying to push for a dynamic or relationship prematurely, or they may not know any better. I think it’s a common misperception that s-types are expected to use titles for every D-type. This is especially true for those that are new in the scene. I recommend, if this happens to you, to let them know that they do not need to call you by a title, that your name (or preferred label) is perfectly acceptable until or unless you both agree to enter into something more. Now, if they disregard that request, then you may have an issue.

What it comes down to is that a power exchange dynamic is something to be respected and taken seriously. Try not to move too quickly and be wary of those that do. It’s ok to move at a slower pace, at your pace, until the time is right.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: dynamic, education, newbies, Terminology

Baadmaster’s Guide to Public Play: Part One

December 21, 2015 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

public play

As this is the party season, chances are you will be invited to at least one BSDM “play party.” In these types of gatherings, some couples perform BDSM scenes for everyone to see. Others just socialize. Play parties, besides being fun and instructive, are great for submissives who would find the “I have a private dungeon and don’t play in public” Fifty Shades type of Dominant creepy – or even dangerous.

If you are new to this tradition, let these articles be your guide into the world of public play. If you are experienced, a little review is always good for the soul. It might even inspire you to revisit some aspects of public play you may be overlooking or forgetting. Since there are many aspects of public play, we will treat them in three separate installments, ingeniously titled “Part I,” Part II and Part III.”

Most play parties are usually either invitation-only affairs in private homes or semi-public affairs that are usually held at a local dungeon or BDSM club. In both instances, a major feature of these parties is the public play that goes on there. Most times, a large array of equipment (such as St. Andrews crosses, suspension devices, spanking benches, stocks, cages, etc.) are provided for “scening” — as public BDSM play is called. If this is your first play party, fear not. You will not be forced to play. Typically, only about half of the guests actually play; the rest watch the action. This is perfect synergy – the performers perform and the voyeurs voyeur, and everyone is happy!

At every play party, one rule that is always in force is the “rule of consent.” Just because a person is submissive – or even naked! – doesn’t mean that he/she must defer to any Dominant. Permission for anything, from simple touching to playing, must be asked for and granted by the submissive. (Or by the submissive’s Dominant, if that is their arrangement.) A good strategy for any submissive who has a Dom/Domme is to refer all requests for play to the Dominant he/she arrived with. Remember, if you are a single submissive, you always have the right to say “no.” Always. No exceptions. Ever.

Each dungeon, club or private party, has its own “house rules.” No smoking is fairly common, as is no alcohol. (It is not a good idea to drink and play.) Typically, the basic “house rules” are clearly posted. For example, when you enter Los Angeles’ famed Lair De Sade, the following notice is clearly posted.

“OUR BASIC RULE IS THAT “MUTUAL CONSENT & RESPECT ARE MANDATORY. DISBURSEMENT OF NEGATIVE ENERGY
DISRESPECTS A PARTY ~ KEEP IT OFF THE PREMISES, PLEASE!”

Keeping this rule in mind, if you are watching a scene, never make a loud comment, interrupt a scene or enter the “scene space.” Surely, don’t just join them without permission. (This seems so obvious, we mention it simply for the humor in the image of someone “just joining in!”) Keep in mind that a submissive can be bounced out of subspace, or a Dom/me out of Top space, by comments, laughter, distractions, etc. So, be respectful. You don’t have to treat someone’s play area with the solemnity of a televised golf match. But, an attitude of respect and courtesy should be maintained.

If you wish to compliment the players on a particularly good scene, wait until it is over. Do not applaud in the middle of it. Keep in mind that these scenes are really private scenes, even if they are being acted out in public view.

Even if you are an advanced player, some activities, such as fire play, knife play and blood play require permission of the host. Oft times wax play, because it is so messy, is also prohibited. There is also a house safe word, which is usually “red.” If you are not sure about any rules, ask the host or a Dungeon Monitor. Dungeon Monitors, or DMs, are there to watch out for any dangerous play and to see that the house rules are observed. Even in this new world of post “Fifty Shades,” where almost everything goes, house rules, which are based on common sense, are always to be observed.

Play parties can be foreboding if you go into it with the wrong attitude. You are there to have fun and make some friends in the BDSM scene; you should only play in public after you feel comfortable and even excited about doing it. No one expects you to play the first time you attend a play party; that is your option. In fact, we usually suggest you do not play in public at your first play party. After all, the best way to learn how to use the equipment is to go to a dungeon party and watch others play. It is a great opportunity to observe your fellow kinksters in action, exchange ideas and learn as much as you can, and have a good time in the process.

In our next installment, we will get specific with respect to actual play and offer suggestions how to make public play both safe and exciting. Stay tuned!

by Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: comingout, dungeon, Event, protocol, scene, Terminology

Subspace and Subdrop

December 21, 2015 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

headspace
Photo by Vice Erotica

Subspace is something you hear about all the time in the scene. If you haven’t experienced it, then it may be this elusive wonderment of mind altering amazingness. If you have experienced it, then you know it can take different forms. It may be a simple state of relaxation, almost meditative, to a feeling compared to an out of body experience. One thing is important to keep in mind. You don’t need to experience subspace to enjoy an amazing scene.

So what is subspace anyway? Subspace can happen due to two different things. One is pain, or physically based. It is basically what happens when various chemicals in your body are released during play. When your body experiences extreme sensations it releases endorphins and adrenaline. These increase pain tolerance and can induce a floaty, trance-like state of mind. One thing I like to compare this to is a runner’s high. It’s the most similar “vanilla” activity I can think of for comparison if you haven’t experienced subspace yet. Bottoms will commonly compare it to feeling drunk, tipsy, or floaty.

The other type of subspace is more psychologically based. The bottom may experience this “spacey” feeling upon kneeling at the start of the scene at their Top’s feet, or feeling their Top’s hand grip their hair. These mental and emotional associations are strong and can cause an instant feeling of relaxation and centeredness. This is typically a lovely feeling that connects the bottom more strongly with their play partner/Top and helps them relax into the scene. It can also help a bottom connect more to their submission.

Keep in mind that with either or both types of subspace – the bottom is in an altered state of mind. This is why I make it a rule to never re-negotiate limits during a scene. It would be equivalent to asking someone to have sex while they’re drunk who had previously said no. Also it’s important to understand that because their pain tolerance is heightened, the Top should maintain awareness of how hard they go with play.

Now. What goes up, must come down.

Subdrop

Once the body has pushed these chemicals into your system, they must eventually regulate. When play is done the body stops releasing extra endorphins, etc and the body’s more regulated system kicks in. The immediate indication of this is typically a decrease in body temperature and a more trance-like state of mind. This is why you will see bottoms in aftercare wrapped in a blanket and looking disconnected. Drop is one reason that aftercare is so important. However, drop can happen hours or days after the scene has ended.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Tagged With: education, newbies, subdrop, submissive, subspace, Terminology

Opinion: Some Thoughts on BDSM, Esoteric Spirituality, and Essential Guilt

November 30, 2015 By Neil Martinson 4 Comments

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Although I’ve been kinky my entire adult life, I’ve been involved in the lifestyle for about a dozen years. I’ve actively pursued an esoteric spiritual/religious path for at least twice that long, and these two pursuits have never been in conflict. On the contrary, my spiritual impulse has not only informed my ideas about life, it’s also deepened my personal relationships, my sex life, and my understanding of kink, and I’d like to share a few thoughts here which I think might be helpful for some.

Although many seem to think of BDSM as dark, shadowy, sinister, even diabolical or part of a left-hand path (and this includes people within the scene), I’ve always felt it to be overwhelmingly a force of good in the world. While I don’t enjoy or approve of how everyone practices their kink, my years of experience in the scene have led me to conclude it can be a wonderful way to explore one’s freedom of expression and one’s body. As in any social world, there are perils and problems, and a certain amount of self policing within the scene is necessary. Because what we’re doing can be quite dangerous, the stakes are a bit higher than with normal vanilla sex. Although the practice brings out the worst in some people, and the scene attracts its share of sociopaths and narcissists, I keep reading about surveys and studies that reveal how kinky people are overall more emotionally healthy than non-kinky people, and it stands to reason. All the negotiating and deep consideration that simply must accompany serious consensual BDSM play tends to make us more aware of our partners’ emotional needs and of our sensual/sexual natures in general. With the appearance of movies like Secretary and the 50 Shades phenomenon, what has long been considered a fairly recondite area of human behavior edges closer and closer to the mainstream. I’m quite sure more critical theory has been written about deviant sexual practices in recent years than at any other time in history. And yet, I’ve met relatively few practitioners who take an active interest in the esoteric aspects of what they’re doing in the bedroom or dungeon, let alone pursue an occult or spiritual/initiatory path in connection with their sexual identity.

In recent years, my studies have led me to an interest in the idea of essential guilt, which I feel to be an important aspect of the human psyche. A common trend in popular psychology is to view the experience of guilt in a purely negative light, dismissing it as a retrogressive relic of religious or bourgeois morality, a psychological nuisance unworthy of modern, enlightened people, which we must simply overcome and be done with in order to live healthy, fulfilling lives. Quite contrary to this widespread view, I’m convinced guilt is not something to deny or run from, but rather a powerful driving force we should learn to interact with imaginatively and illuminate with self awareness. Viewed as an essential element of our inner lives, its cultivation is not at all mutually exclusive from either hedonistic or growth oriented lifestyles.

By essential guilt, I refer to the profound sense of being beholden to one another and to the entire planet, which we endlessly destroy and which it seems will only be saved by a mammoth collective effort of the creative spirit. (I’m not speaking figuratively here: The world really is on the brink of ecological catastrophe, and it doesn’t seem as though animals, plants, or aliens are going to save it!) If one doesn’t feel a sense of responsibility in regard to what human beings have done to Mother Earth, well, I think that could be a bad sign. I’m not saying we should all go around wringing our hands and beating ourselves up over it, but when you stop and consider things, it’s really quite a shame, isn’t it? Such a beautiful place, gradually being destroyed by our laziness and greed! If we actually felt the pain of the world, we’d likely find ourselves helplessly paralyzed. Indeed, a certain degree of willful oblivion seems necessary for survival.

Another thing to consider is overpopulation. Although I don’t actually believe the world’s problems can be attributed to too many people, but rather to an unfair distribution of resources (you know, this “1%” stuff people keep talking about); nevertheless, the end result is the same. Whereas once upon a time, the survival of the species depended on a preponderance of births over deaths, nowadays each child born is experienced by his family, subconsciously at least, as a nail in our collective coffin, so to speak. In the words of the great Italian film director and writer Pier Paolo Pasolini (1922-1975), “No matter how lovingly received they are into the bosom of their family, [children] absorb this sense of being in excess, which gives rise to the most terrible neuroses.” I’m not saying this is the main cause of present day angst, but I do think it’s a significant, unacknowledged cause of stress upon the modern psyche. Kids are of course helpless to do anything about this, but as adults, we can start to consider what this means, and acknowledge that we are simultaneously a burden to the planet’s survival and its only hope.

As many people raised in traditional religious households will testify, this innate sense of guilt is often seized upon and exploited during childhood by abusive authority figures. Uptight feelings about the body and one’s desires may develop, and the most tragic self esteem issues multiply as a result of this abuse. Crippling shame is the shadow side of guilt and overcoming its paralyzing effects has become the focus of a great deal of modern psychology. In the process, the idea of essential guilt gets conflated with all manner of terrible emotions and shoved under the rug or thrown out with the bathwater, so to speak; acknowledged and understood in the right context. it can prove to be a source of profound self knowledge.

Its fundamental significance in kink, for instance, should be apparent to anyone who considers or explores BDSM role play with any depth. Consider the decision to assume or relinquish control in a D/s scene, or the desire to act out fantasies of punishment and reward, not to mention the pleasure taken in verbal or physical humiliation. While other motives might also play in, don’t these intense dynamics point to one’s sense of essential guilt? You could say the masculine approach is to take charge and act decisively; the feminine response is to hand over a portion of one’s will and take what’s coming to you. (Please note that I use the terms masculine and feminine in the traditional sense, without speaking of men, women, or others, among whom these qualities may be distributed in any measure.) This is not to imply that every single masochist is trying to assuage a sense of guilt, but I tend to think it plays a significant role. When you get a good spanking or beating, the conscience is temporarily, symbolically relieved, and one beneficial result is that orgasms may flourish. Of course, deep trust in one’s Dom/Domme, Master, Daddy/Mommy, what-have-you, is crucial for a healthy transfer of energy. As with most things, a sense of balance is key.

While I sympathize deeply with the various unhappy experiences that motivate the wholesale rejection of religious belief and practice so common in the secular world (and particularly in the microcosmic kink scene), even a rudimentary scholarship requires a basic understanding and appreciation of the world’s religious philosophies, literature, and history; if one chooses to pursue such studies, esoteric spirituality is the next logical depth to plumb.

The Fall of Man, as narrated in Genesis (with corresponding legends and ideas in almost every mythic tradition), tells of God placing Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and forbidding them to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. The serpent tempts Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, which she shares with Adam; they immediately become ashamed of their nakedness, and God banishes them from the garden. From the perspective of Western occultism, this story can be understood as a grand picture of our decision to incarnate, that is, to descend from the spiritual world (or the world of formative forces, if that helps) into a physical form, and to take on all that’s implicit in our relationship to matter, including the temptations of egotism and materialism. Put in the simplest terms, Eve’s imagination was stronger than Adam’s will, and the apple needed to be eaten! Full knowledge of our selves means an awareness of our capacity for moral corruption, and at every moment we must strive to make free choices; while the jury is out on whether or not we are capable of true spiritual freedom, it’s good to have something to strive for. (I’m not saying it’s impossible to escape compulsion and act out of true inner freedom, just very, very difficult for most of us.)

If we’ve descended from a condition of purity into a world of temptation, it’s in order to redeem this fallen world through our deeds of kindness and good will. And while this human faculty of the will may be quite mysterious, the feelings that guide it can be illuminated, at least partially, by clear, wide awake thinking. Although the intellect is our most ready and valuable tool for understanding how necessary it is to develop a moral compass and ethical sensibility, without a spiritual practice to give them form, such realizations are unlikely to settle into the will in a way that will really allow us to make a difference in the world.

Mind you, all this talk of guilt is not meant to be discouraging. I hope it’s clear by now that when I refer to essential guilt, I’m not talking about feeling badly about the poor kid you teased in grade school or your compulsive masturbation habits; rather, I’m encouraging you to consider that we are psychically embedded within a cosmic sense of justice, and almost always on the wrong side. And yet the upshot is that human beings possess boundless imagination and creativity, and I’m confident we will figure our way out of this mess! The “vale of tears” in which we live is our school, and should not be considered as punishment even to the extent that life makes one miserable; rather it is an opportunity to restore balance. Personally, I love being alive, but I’m agonizingly aware of my own privileges and shudder at the extent of my capacity for denial.
It behooves us all to cultivate a sense of gratitude even for life’s most grueling lessons; to develop true responsibility requires an awareness of one’s guilt. Yea, so be it.

Note:
I should like to state that I was not raised in a religious environment, and found a spiritual path through my own varied intellectual and creative interests. My specific religious orientation doesn’t seem relevant to what I’ve written here, though if anyone is genuinely interested I’m happy to discuss it.

Neil Martinson is a writer, artist, cartoonist, dj/impresario, lingerie designer, and garden variety dominant hetero pervert. He grew up in NYC, lived in SF for 22 years, and moved to LA a year ago. He recently wrote a book about the band CHROME and is working on an erotic-mystical-science-fiction-noir comic called OBZINE. He will reply to any reasonable queries addressed to: herrneilson@gmail.com

Tagged With: Journey, opinion, philosophy, punishment, scene, Terminology

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