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Parenting And BDSM

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I am always intrigued by questions that have, within them, enough range so they apply to a large swath of lifestylers, not just a few. Since many here are parents, and are more likely than not to be required to spend a lot of time with your kids because of Covid-19, this question has relevance far beyond the narrow confines of parenting. So here goes:

Reader: I am a single parent who is getting seriously involved in a D/s relationship. How can I be a good subbie while continuing to be a good mother – especially during the pandemic?

This is a great question. Funny, whenever you read BDSM stories like, “And then he tied me to the cross, his eyes ice-cold as he whipped me, then pulling my hair back, he then took me suddenly and violently.” You never read, “And then our seven year old, Skippy, came to the door, asking where the remote was and yelling ‘I’m hungry, mom’.” Children are the great BDSM secret; they never exist in BDSM – other than in the lives of seventy percent of adult couples who practice BDSM. It is the great BDSM secret — how do you conduct a BDSM relationship with children around?

First of all, the mental mindset of a good subbie is totally compatible with being a mother. Subbies (using your term) generally come out of a nurturing role. She is committed to tending to the needs of her Dom/me, just as she is committed to tending to the needs of her children. In the overall, there is little conflict here, And although there are times where you would need to become more of a Domme when disciplining your children, in the overall being a mother would seem to have a big submissive component to it.

And a good subbie just naturally sets a good example for her kids. A D/s couple who have a stable hierarchy, do not talk back to each other and are respectful to each other will effortlessly set a good parental example. Once again, being a good mother and a good sub are not mutually exclusive.
It is in the physical world where you will have to make some hard choices.

The first choice is the D/s protocol of your relationship – will it be high, low or no? And although it theoretically is the Dom’s choice, BDSM mythology goes out the window when kids are involved. So, both of you should discuss how you want to define your lifestyle. Will it be a high protocol relationship – where you always address your Dom/me as ‘Sir’, ‘Mistress’ or ‘Master’? (There seems to be no equivalent for female ‘Sir’) Or is it a low or no-protocol relationship. High protocol is really hard to maintain in front of kids. They are forever asking questions and mimicking your actions. So, unless you want them calling their male schoolmates “Sir,” you might think about some revisions in your protocol.

I personally was in a high protocol relationship where my slave had kids. Although she always addressed me as “Master,” she cleverly added the word “Blaster” to it whenever the children – or vanilla people – were around. ‘Master Blaster’ has a kind of innocent, cartoonish aspect to it that was a great disguise. Although this might be a clever solution for some, high protocol D/s around children is still next to impossible to maintain; keep this in mind when negotiating your hard limits.

The other physical aspect is your BDSM play space. If your kids are younger than eighteen, most people I have spoken to recommend the “outta” system. Keep it outta their view! If you have a home dungeon, lock it and keep the explanation consistent and simple. Keep all your BDSM toys secured – as you would sex toys. (Your bag might have both!) And do not forget the obvious – lock your bedroom door; if you take pictures of your BDSM play, DO NOT leave your cellphone around – especially if it is not password protected.

Of course, in a non-Covid world, you could keep your BDSM play exclusively in the dungeon (if there is one near you.) But until then, I hope these tips gave you some ideas on how to practice BDSM as a parent in 2021!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Low Protocol And Power Exchange

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It began in baby steps.  Our dynamic was very much an experiment, with each movement forward and each step of the way tested before the full weight of the relationship was brought to bear upon it. 

It was a scary amount of power to give up.  I came into the relationship a business owner, and began a second venture about a year in.  Handing the metaphorical reins over to another when my hard work of years was on the line was a truly terrifying thing to even contemplate.   It came part and parcel of our TPE, however, and I had to trust that he would allow me to continue to make decisions without his interference.

Part of owning a business is having to interact with others in various ways, be it as the customer service representative who is discussing a potential order, as the cashier handling payment, as the scheduler booking classes, as the manager attending to someone’s satisfaction, as the artisan building product and providing updates, or in educational capacities, both online and in-person.  That’s a lot of hats, and they require a certain amount of freedom of action on my part.  It has necessitated trust on his part that I would make decisions and behave in ways of which he would approve without having to have specific protocols in place to govern those actions.

As someone who has grown to become firmly embedded in my local community, I see an incredibly wide variety of levels of protocol.  Some are required to ask prior to leaving the presence of their master, some are required to follow protocols which govern their interactions with others in various settings.  Perhaps it is a set protocol involving carrying packages or interacting with waitstaff or asking permission prior to speaking and touching friends or strangers within kink settings.  Interestingly enough (and this is a conversation I have had with friends on occasion, because many of us are fascinated by the differences in how relationships are built), many of the dynamics I have observed which involve a small business seem to run with a lower degree of formality and protocol, perhaps out of that same necessity.

If I must receive permission to speak to individuals prior to doing so, even ones of specified gender, and my partner is away from our vendor table, I would quickly become ineffective as a merchant.  I would be unable to answer questions or complete a sale.  The same holds true of online interactions.  It would effectively make the business I run hobbled during his regular work hours until he could handle the aspects I was not permitted to attend to without him.  That would lead to additional stress, and I ask a great deal of him as my business partner already.  While he does make those decisions, he has chosen to leave many of the finer details up to me, limiting the majority of his participation to financial decisions such as inventory purchases, and to customer interactions in order to keep me from using my energy and focus up in those areas rather than in completing projects.

The leaves much of our dynamic very informal, from a protocol standpoint.  Fortunately, that works well for our personalities and the way we fit together.  While I sometimes feel that our low protocol interactions can be mistaken for a more casual relationship, which can bring with it a feeling of being less than, I remind myself that some of those stares may be from envy for what may appear to be a higher level of freedom. 

Make no mistake, however.  He holds full authority over me, regardless of the appearance of casualness our low protocol level may give outsiders.  It is so important for us all to remember that each relationship, each dynamic forms as it works best for the individuals in question.  For some, that may mean there are specific rituals and protocols dictating large portions of their actions.  For others, such as us, that total power exchange may rely more on the granted authority of the top-of-slash rather than any formalized behaviors.  We all have to determine what works best for us as individuals and as couples or relationship groups, and build from that foundation.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Different Levels of Protocol

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I’ve written before about protocol – but this article is to go into the subject a little further.  I want to talk about different levels of protocol.  Low (or everyday) protocol, medium protocol, and high protocol.  Keep in mind that one person’s “medium” can be another person’s “high” or someone else’s “low”. Also, some D/s relationships may choose to maintain medium or high protocols and not allow low protocol with perhaps just a few exceptions. I will describe these categories with various examples to give you a general idea of what I’m talking about.

Low/everyday Protocol

This refers to the most casual form of protocols.  These may include protocols that aren’t as obvious to the vanilla world. Or being in “low protocol” may simply mean you aren’t adhering to most of your protocols with a few exceptions, like coffee service for example.

Medium Protocol

For many people in D/s relationships this may be their everyday protocol or for some it may be the protocols that they adhere to whenever they are at a kink event.

High Protocol

Typically this level of protocol is followed when attending a high protocol kink event.  It also may be used for specific periods of time (eg, high protocol weekend) or specific situations (eg, hosting a high protocol dinner).

So what would this perhaps look like in reality?  I’m going to use one type of protocol as an example and explain how it would be done in low vs medium vs high.

Let’s start with a fun one – bathroom protocol!  Lol  If this is a protocol that’s followed then the low/everyday version may be that the s-type must let the D-type know that they are using the restroom.  The medium version is the one many people are more familiar with.  This would be where the s-type must ask permission to use the restroom.

Wondering what the heck high protocol would look like?  Some people think it may be that the s-type isn’t allowed to go to the restroom.  Not quite.  Typically it may look like the s-type isn’t using the restroom, when in reality they are simply having to wait for permission to use the restroom – they may not ask.  This, of course, means that the D-type needs to pay close attention!

Another example would be protocol about where the s-type locates themselves around the D-type.  In low protocol the s-type may be required to stand or sit to the left of their D-type.  In medium protocol perhaps they must stand or sit to their left in a specific position.  In high protocol perhaps there is an added protocol that the s-type always sits on the floor at the D-types’ feet whether the D-type is standing or sitting.

These are just a couple of simple examples – something to give you an idea of how protocols can be used in different ways.  As I mentioned before – these are general examples, one person may treat the medium bathroom protocol as their high protocol, etc.

You can also use different collars to represent the level of protocol you’re in.  For example – when in low protocol perhaps the s-type wears an everyday, or casual, collar.  In medium protocol situations there may be a more traditional or fetish collar used.  In high protocol the s-type may wear a fetish collar or perhaps a posture collar is used.  These various collars still represent the same relationship dynamic.

Added note – in some circumstances protocols of any kind are more difficult.  Vanilla settings, family functions, etc.  Some people may decide to temporarily remove protocols or come up with “vanilla protocols” that represent the protocols they have in place but that are very discreet or aren’t noticeable.  For example, they have a protocol in place where the s-type must ask permission to start eating.  This may be viewed unfavorably by a more mainstream crowd.  So, instead, they decide that the s-types way of “asking permission” is to comment about how good the meal looks/smells, etc.  Then the D-types way of “giving permission” is by agreeing that the food look/smells delicious.  Nobody is the wiser but the D/s couple has stuck to their protocol, under the radar.

I hope this gives a bit more insight as to how protocols can be used in different ways.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

I Won’t Do That!

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Regrets wrong doing. Man having a duh moment

From time to time I answer questions here that I find intriguing. Here is one of them, asked by a female submissive:

“I met a Dom on the Internet. He is awesome. But he is very high protocol. At first I liked all aspects of it. I am now starting find it too confining and am beginning to dread the all-encompassing aspects of it. One more ritual and I think I will lose it. I love the guy, but this aspect is wearing on me. What should I do?”

This is a question, in many similar forms, that I have heard many times before; it is not an uncommon dilemma. That said, the fact that you are not alone does nothing to help you solve your problem. So, let’s see what we can do.

I have always said, here on Kink Weekly, that, ideally, you should match your protocol needs to that of your D/s partner. Rarely can a low-protocol slave adapt to a high-protocol Master, and vice-versa. I am sure he told you that he was high-protocol when you first met. But, you were intrigued by it and chose to give it a go. There is nothing wrong with that. After all, the only way to decide if you like something is to try it out. Most high-protocol lifestylers were not born that way; they simply evolved over time — after they wet their beaks, so to speak. Apparently, before you found out that you had difficulty with high-protocol, you fell in love. Although this would appear to be a big minus, it is actually a big plus.

Since you are in love, you will be giving your D/s partnership your best effort. And, if he is in love with you, so will he. Love cannot conquer all, but it can conquer a lot. What might be an insurmountable problem between play partners can often be solved when both partners are deeply committed to each other. Thus, you can expect your Dom to be a lot more understanding – and even more flexible – than a casual partner. Knowing this, we can then address your other, almost technical, concern.

This second aspect of your anxiety — that you liked high-protocol initially but don’t like it now – can also work to your advantage. It was not as if you were mismatched from the start. You did nothing wrong; you matched protocol levels as I suggested and proceeded forward. The fact that you originally liked high-protocol means there are aspects to it that turn you on. It is not unusual to burn out on things you enjoy. Even professional athletes, who clearly love what they do, can often get burned out during a season. The key here is to be honest with your Dom and explain your situation. It is obvious your attitude toward high-protocol has changed at some point during your relationship. You might be telling him something he already knows. People, subs included, are not robots. There are times when service is fun and times when they dread serving – even in great relationships. An experienced Dom, no matter how demanding his protocols are, will be aware of this fact. Thus, do not be afraid to discuss it with him. Don’t wait until the “Get your own fucking cup of coffee, asshole” stage when it is almost impossible to save your relationship. Better to face this predicament together, early on, than to let it fester and become an insoluble problem.

There are simple solutions, believe it or not. You might just need some time off. Maybe he can eliminate some specific rituals that you hate. Or, he can change 24/7 into an acceptable – to both of you – 20/5 kind of arrangement. Don’t sell yourself short. That you were an enthusiastic slave will not be lost on him. He will, more than likely, make some adjustments to keep you happy. But, no Dom (or Domme) is a mind reader. You must, within your protocol, tell him how you are handling, both good and bad, your submission. A skilled Dominant will always take your feelings into account. After all, an unhappy slave is not a good slave. Or, worse, she will soon be an ex-slave!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Old Guard vs. New Guard II

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red leather

Read Part One here.

As we approach our panel discussion, “Old Guard vs. New Guard,” that will be presented at DomCon LA, May 20th at 4:30 PM (Dexx will participate, so mark your calendar), I would like to review what the basic precepts are for both groups.
As with any analysis of cultural traditions, there are many forms of each group. For example, there are the original “Old Guard Leather Societies” that first appeared in the 1950s – 1960’s. These original “leather men” laid down the code of respect that a submissive accords a Dominant – such as addressing the Dominant as Sir, kneeling before the Master and courtesy to other lifestylers. A lot of our BDSM terminology — Tops and bottoms, Daddy’s and boys, Masters and slaves, alphas and betas and more — came to us from these leather men.

The Old Guard ritual in which the slave was required to keep the Master’s leather gear polished – often shining the boots in a formal “boot blacking” ceremony – is still practiced by some D/s couples. The collaring ceremony was codified by the leather men, as was the concept that the actual collar was the Top’s property. The use of slave contracts, according to some, also originated in the leather societies. The list of old guard traditions, many of which are practiced today in some form, is quite extensive.

The modern “Old Guard” was less leather oriented and more inclusive – especially as the “OG” old guard was a primarily gay subculture and leather was an integral part of this community. Today’s old guard is centered more about play rules – such as safe words and dungeon etiquette – rather than the strict leather code of their predecessors. Go to any dungeon party today and even the higher protocol lifestylers might not be wearing leather. Latex yes, leather no!

What has remained from the classic Old Guard is an integration of protocols into BDSM relationships. “High Protocol” is still quite common among the “new’ Old Guard. In a High Protocol relationship, there will be detailed rituals to perform. For example, a slave will be required to get up before her Master and make breakfast. And slaves are usually required to address their Master in a certain way – for example, by always calling her Master “Sir.” (Or Mistress or whatever is specified, depending on the relationship.)

This is but a quick overview of the “Old Guard”, both classic and modern versions, which will be covered in a more personal and easier-to-understand way at DomConLA. (Sneaky plug, eh?)

As to the new, Millennial-dominated “New Guard,” many partake in a more casual style of BDSM. This “lower-protocol” approach implies a more relaxed and less rigid type of D/s. For example, the submissive may not be required to address the Dominant as “Master,” “Sir” or “Mistress” every time.

As to the “New Guard,” many of the changes in their BDSM interactions reflect changes in our society. In the real world with real life demands, this “new style D/s” works best in their younger and faster paced community. It is not lower “on the food chain” than Old Guard BDSM; it might simply be more realistic for their age group. Some changes – such as cell phones with location tracking – have enabled the new generation to be less obsessive with “safe calls.” But this does not mean that the new generation is not into D/s; far from it. The new BDSM generation wants Dominance and submission – including switching. Adventurous lot I must say!

Since I am part of the new “Old Guard”, I have a lot to learn about the “New Guard” and where BDSM is going. Thus our panel.

I will see you at DomConLA!!!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Old Guard vs. New Guard

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With the entrance of millions of new “Fifty Shades Lifestylers” into our world, the classic Dom/me/sub scripts have been turned upside down. Thus, I would like to offer to the newest members of our community some advice that takes into account this new reality. No, I will not offer “helicopter etiquette” nor “how to skipper your Master’s yacht.” But, like it or not, the Old Guard must pass the torch. Since I have a millennial live-in submissive, I think this article is grounded enough in real life observations to be quite useful. And hopefully to more than just the millennials.

Many of the so-called New Guard partake in a more casual style of BDSM. This “lower-protocol” approach implies a more relaxed and less rigid type of D/s union. For example, the submissive may not be required to address the Dominant as “Master,” “Sir” or “Mistress” every time.

To the skeptic, it might appear that these new, usually low-protocol, relationships are lower on the food chain the classic 24/7 Master/slave arrangements. Not! In a real world with real life demands, this “new style D/s” works best in their younger and faster paced community. It is not lower “on the food chain”; it might simply be more realistic for their world. But that does not mean that the new generation is not into D/s; far from it. The new BDSM generation wants Dominance and submission – including switching. Adventurous lot I must say!

After interviewing many of the newer lifestylers, I have compiled, my “lucky seven” tips that I feel can improve their, and your, relationships – whether for a night or a lifetime. Or anything in between! These pointers might not guarantee a perfect relationship, but what advice ever can?

1. Respect your protocols. Treat your rituals with the same respect and intensity as those in the highest protocol Old Guard relationships do. You might not have as many rituals, nor may they be as demanding – but each one is just as significant as any high-protocol custom. Even if you have just one ritual – the greeting one, for example – perform it as though it is the most important thing in the world. It just might be.

2. Don’t forget to perform your rituals. If you think about it, the fewer rituals you observe, the more deleterious is the effect of letting one slide. Neglecting one might be a fifth of all your protocols, whereas it might be only one out of fifty for the 24/7 Old Guard couple.

3. Low-protocol is not lazy-protocol. This tip is directed to the Dominants. You must be just as observant, vigilant and on your game as any TPE Master. You must rapidly recognize any protocol lapses and correct them quickly. Do not neglect to push your sub’s limits. Try new areas of play to prevent any boredom from creeping in. In this regard, this seems like any other D/s relationship

5. “The Popeye Principle.” “What is that,” you ask? It is Popeye’s mantra, “I yam what I yam” — BDSM style. As I said before, don’t think that a 24/7 high-protocol D/s relationship is inherently better or is something to aim for. Of course it can be. But if you and your partner(s) enjoy low or medium protocol, it can be every bit as powerful as the vaunted high-protocol TPE Master/slave relationship.

6. For the Dom/mes: don’t use a cookie-cutter approach. The object is to get what you want, within agreed upon limits. For example, my slave responds to a more positive approach, with some humiliation thrown in, when it comes to sex/play. (Yes, BDSM is about sex!) But the classic physical pain approach works wonders when she neglects putting the dishes away. And don’t forget the role of respect. It is a lot easier for a submissive to serve if he/she respects the Dominant. Some things never change!

7. For the subs: Don’t be afraid of the dreaded “topping from the bottom.” While I thought Anastasia Steele’s constant “renegotiating” of their non-existent slave contract in “Fifty Shades Darker” was extremely lame, making your needs known is not topping from the bottom. It is, duh, “making your needs known.”

Ultimately, it’s a relationship, dammit! Sometimes people, whether Old Guard or New Guard, forget that relationships, whether they are vanilla, D/s or S/m, are ultimately about people. We are not BDSM robots. No matter what your protocol, orientation or play style, don’t neglect the classic, human aspects of your relationship, such as honesty, communication and appreciation.

Even the most sadistic of Doms would be well advised to get his slave a birthday present!

In this spirit, I will be presenting a panel discussion “Old Guard vs. New Guard” at DomCon L.A. in May. Stay tuned!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The Collar: Part Two

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collar part 1

Our first article covered both the history and the current traditions with respect to collaring.

This article is meant primarily for newbie submissives who have yet to be collared. (As a newbie, you should also read “Predator Dommes” here on Kink Weekly.) Once warned about the pitfalls of being a submissive in the cold, cruel world out there, this article is meant to help you find a legitimate lifestyle Dominant to partner up with and be collared by.

After interviewing a number of subs for this article, I have selected what I feel are the six most instructive comments. Although I offer my interpretation of their ideas, the basis of this piece comes from the submissives themselves. After all, the best way to understand submission – and Dominance too — is to listen to submissives!

“When you are unowned and uncollared, you are a free agent. And, until you select a Master or Dom/me, you can make any decisions you feel are in your own best interest.” Many newbies assume that they must please any Dominant who shows interest in them from the jump. While you might feel submissive to a given Dom/me, until you are collared you are under no obligation to act in a submissive manner. If you want to play, fine. But you are under no obligation to be submissive in any manner contrary to how you feel at that point in time. A wise Dominant will not expect instant submission – unless the submissive is struck by “the thunderbolt” and voluntarily offers it. This leads to the next quote, which is…

“I am a submissive, just not your submissive…yet.” Until you decide to submit, even tentatively, to a Dominant, you are not his/her submissive. Yes, a Dominant might ask for you to address him/her as Sir or Ma’am. You can do this out of respect, if you wish. I personally see no harm in this, especially if you feel there is some potential. But this does not imply that you are his/her submissive. And if the Dominant bullies you, and pushes you past your comfort zone, make your feelings clear. This is not “topping from the bottom.” After all, you are not yet collared!

“No one will drum you out of the lifestyle for making decisions that affect your own life. If you piss off some prospective Dominants, they are probably not worth considering anyway.” If you find that a prospective Dom/me is annoyed by your independent ways, then he/she does not respect the fact that you are still uncollared. Until that day comes – and it can come quickly or over a long period of time – then you should not worry what he/she thinks about your right to make your own decisions. Obviously, once you are collared, pleasing the Dominant becomes an important aspect of your relationship. But until then, you are the captain of your ship. And that includes accepting – or rejecting – any potential Dominant.

“Many submissives are ruined by inexperienced Masters/Mistresses into whose hands they put their psyches.” Being owned or collared can be very intense. Thus, one should truly know and trust, the person you are submitting to. I do, however, disagree with the quote; it is not only inexpert Dom/mes who can cause psychic harm. Knowledgeable Doms can hurt a sub; newbie Doms can be awesome. I think it is more about the person than the experience level. No matter what, you should know the Dom/me in a deep way before you put your psyche into his or her hands.

“Don’t be afraid to use vanilla criteria.” Funny, this piece of advice came from my own slave! What she meant is that certain vanilla criteria – such as sense of humor, style, commonality of interest – can be just as important as play criteria. Ideally, you want both – lifestyle and vanilla. The world, though, is rarely ideal. Still, you want a Dom/me that you actually like – and enjoy spending time with. And not just BDSM time!

“Follow your heart.” At least three submissives said something similar to this. What they meant, it seems, is that you must go at the pace you wish, obey only those you want to obey and — until you are owned – go with your gut instincts. If you feel, deep inside, that the Dominant you meet is “the one,” go for it. But, if your heart says “maybe,” go slow. And if your heart says “no,” don’t be bullied into serving a Dominant just because he/she is Dominant!

Finding a Dominant can be a daunting task – as is finding a slave! But, I think these six observations can be helpful in your quest.

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The Collar: Part One

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collar part 1

Part I of this article is an overview of the traditional collaring practices in the BDSM lifestyle.

Part II will be addressed to newbie subs who are uncollared.

Part III will be BaadMaster’s “Seven Levels of Collaring” – a unique and modern take on how to integrate old guard traditions with new era needs.

PART I – THE COLLAR

One of the most enduring traditions in the world of BDSM is that of the “formal — or slave — collar.” It is the spiritual descendent of the old Roman slave collar, the one that was welded shut around the slave’s neck. (I am Spartacus!) Although there were many variations on this theme over the years, collaring one’s slave was codified by the legendary Old Guard Leather Societies years ago. The Old Guard custom (rapidly disappearing in our short attention span world) called for a series of three distinct collars, all of different materials – the “Collar of Consideration,” the “Training Collar” and, ultimately, the “Slave Collar.”

The Old Guard Leather Societies treated the last of these collars – the “formal or slave collar” — as similar in both spirit and commitment to a vanilla marriage. (As this predated gay marriages, and the Leathermen were primarily gay, it fulfilled a very practical need in this community.) And although it lacked the enforcement of law, “collared couples” were respected in the leather community in the same way as married couples were respected in the vanilla world.

One of the big criticisms of “Fifty Shades” (there I go again!) is that, in the movie, Christian proposed a slave contract and did not even mention collaring. Surely, at the very least, a “collar of consideration” would have been proposed simultaneously to the slave contract. Kink Weekly is here to correct this oversight. Obviously, in our fast paced world, most couples skip the first two stages and proceed to the formal slave collar. (Honestly, I did too!) But for historical correctness, let’s discuss the three stages of collaring as set down by the Leather Societies. (If Kink Weekly doesn’t honor traditions, who will?)

The first collar in this series is called the ‘Collar of Consideration’ which is given at the start of a potential relationship. Although usually made of leather, it is like an engagement ring — if at any time the relationship is unsatisfactory to either side, the collar is returned to the Dominant with no further obligations on either party’s part.
The ‘Training Collar’ is the second stage. Again, this collar will be one that the Dominant chooses; it is usually made of base metal and is a bit more elegant than the consideration collar. It represents a “graduation” of sorts; with the presentation of the Training Collar, the Dominant will move into areas of training and discipline which are much more demanding, severe and strict.

If this second stage works out, then it is time for the actual collaring with the ‘Slave Collar.’ This is the actual collar – it is this stage that is generally assumed when someone says they are “collared.” This represents true commitment between the Dominant and his submissive. In the tradition of the old guard, this collar is to be treated with the same respect that marriage is treated in the vanilla world. Indeed, it is rather common to have simultaneous collaring and wedding ceremonies.

Of the three collars, typically the slave collar is made of gold or silver and can be quite beautiful. The design can be unique to satisfy the Dominant’s taste; most times – as it usually worn 24/7 – it can be locked or even welded for permanence. With the recent popularity of BDSM, the variety of collars is impressive and the ideal collar is relatively easy to find – especially those that can pass in the vanilla world. (Note: the collar should always be purchased by the Dominant and always remains His/Her’s property. It is returned to the Dominant at the end of the relationship – no matter when the relationship ends.)

As it is the analogue of the vanilla marriage, this collaring is often done at a party/celebration, in front of invited guests, with vows exchanged or a slave contract signed. Depending on the nature of the relationship, there can be permanent markings done — such as tattoos, piercings, brandings, cuttings etc. The markings can be done in a scene – and if the couple happens to enjoy public scening, this is an awesome sight to behold. Other traditions can come into play here – the presentation of a gift made by the submissive (typically a flogger) to the Dominant is one European ritual that comes to mind.

Make no mistake about it, this old guard, traditional collaring ceremony is intended – unless otherwise negotiated – to signify a lifelong partnership. If you are invited to one, think of it as you would a wedding. Arrive with an attitude of wanting to have fun but keep a proper respect and decorum.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Five Aspects of BDSM We Forget

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handcuffs

My timing is fortuitous for this article, it being the new year and all. Perhaps some of you can add these items to your list of new year resolutions. While I love the lifestyle and specifically the scene in LA, there are some key elements that are sometimes overlooked. In an effort to not make this a list of rants, I’ve tried to offer supportive advice for each item. Feel free to elaborate and add onto the list in the comments!

1. Proper introductions. While protocols are often touted as the norm, I often see folks completely ignore proper hellos and introductions. Perhaps it’s the dungeon atmosphere that makes people nervous or maybe it’s a Dominant that’s too big for his/her britches, but a polite and respectful “Hello my name is Sir Domly McDomerton-it’s a pleasure to meet you” goes a long way. This etiquette flows over onto FetLife messaging as well. Also, don’t forget to introduce your friend/partner/sub/slave to new or old acquaintances as well. This will ease awkwardness and reinforce the dynamic. If all else fails, pretend it’s normal vanilla life and treat people like people.

2. Aftercare. I know you’re sick of hearing about it, but this is a super important ending to almost every scene. Pretend like the scene is a gift and the aftercare is wrapping up the entire thing in a nice, clean bow. Maybe you don’t feel like you’ll ever need aftercare, at least check in with the other person for a polite thank you and “how do you feel.” It’s better to be the person who asked about aftercare needs as it shows maturity and experience in the lifestyle.

3. Attending classes. There are enough know-it-alls in the world, please do not fall prey to being one of them. You know the type-they know everything there is to know from flogging to hook suspension and beyond. While it’s all good and well to be confident, it’s even more important to be well balanced and educated in your “craft”-for lack of a better word. This goes for both Dominants and submissives. Submissives may feel like they just need a good Dom/me to teach them everything. Be proactive. Being educated is your best protection against predators in the lifestyle. Most Dom/mes of quality will find your education in the lifestyle an asset rather than a hindrance.

4. Balance. I have personally found that there needs to be balance within BDSM vs. vanilla activities. I learned this early on from my first ever play partner. At the time, I didn’t understand it because I was new and wanted to experience everything to do with kink right then and there. I had the fever, so to speak. Now that I’ve grown from that and have many more experiences under my belt, I actually enjoy vanilla activities equal to, if not more than the BDSM ones. There are a few friends of mine who, like myself are lifestylers, but they have somehow lost the social grace to act appropriately in vanilla public- things like inappropriate touching or talking loudly about kink activities in mixed company. Remember, while you’re kink is your life and expression, much like a religious fanatic it is not your “right” to force your lifestyle on someone else or make people feel uncomfortable around you. This not only further damages the impression vanilla folks have about BDSM but it also alienates you from making potential connections and educating people about kink. You’re an ambassador of the lifestyle. However I do have to admit it’s often fun making mundane vanilla activities kinky. Use your imagination and discretion 😉

5. Having a variety of friends. This can mean a lot of things. Of course everyone has a large circle of acquaintances. Recently, Dexx and I realized we were often spending time with the same people over and over. We love these people and the group dynamic is fun when we get together. What’s wrong with that you may ask? We should all endeavor to keep our scope, skillsets, and opinions broad, informed, and well rounded. It’s not that we will stop seeing our favorite people, we’ll simply add new folks into the mix. Going to classes helps in the regard as well. Another approach is to attend play parties outside of your regularly scheduled events. I’m a voyeur. I love watching a great dynamic play. I identify as a submissive but I bet could learn a thing or two from attending a FemDom party. If the concept of opening up your circle of friends sounds distasteful or uncomfortable, I urge you to give it a shot. It’s good to feel uncomfortable every once in a while.

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

Opinion: Taking Up the Mantle of Mastery

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man in suit

There is much debate in our community as to the use of the word Master. To some it is about describing their role in a power exchange relationship. To others it means that they have mastered a particular skill set or knowledge. Some even have a “kajira” classification for slaves – a term which is taken straight from the John Norman GOR novels where men are Masters and all women either slaves or intentionally freed by said Masters. In fact in one of those silly BDSM quiz things you see online I was identified as a Gorean Master myself; a fact which I felt accurate according to the original descriptions in the books. Truthfully these are all appropriate uses of the term, but there is also a much deeper meaning. So what does it mean to me to call myself a Master?

This is a matter which has been bouncing around in my head for quite some time, the origin of which happened some time ago while I was attending the BOLD conference in 2013. I sat in on a panel led by Master Bert on this very topic; what it means to be a Master, and to wear that title like a badge of honor and identification.

He related a story to us about a rite of passage for the young men of a certain tribal village in a remote, primitive area. In this rite, the young men must prove their readiness to step into manhood by climbing a nearby mountain, and returning safely to the village.

The first step in their journey is to go into the forest, and cut a small tree trunk to make a walking staff for their trek up the mountain. The staff is of course a practical tool, but more importantly it is a symbol of their commitment to the journey. Not just the journey up the mountain, but their journey into manhood itself; a commitment to become a man.

He equated our use of the term Master as a similar commitment to become a Master, to take up the mantle of Mastery, and commit to the lifelong journey towards this ideal.

To make a pact with oneself to work daily to become the Master of our own life, our own behavior and our own destiny. I was mesmerized and fascinated by the discussion and the concept has been rattling around my head ever since. “Am I ready for this commitment?” “What will others think about my use of the term at my level of experience?” So many quiet little doubts in my mind, preventing me from taking that first step in the commitment to the journey. As you can tell I’m a pretty deep thinker and have learned to not take important steps too quickly or lightly.

But there have been many changes in my life this year, many steps in a positive direction, and after a long and deep discussion about this and many other aspects of the D/s, M/s lifestyle with a friend yesterday, at last I feel I am ready to commit to the journey.

It matters not how others perceive the choice, or if anyone even notices. What matters is that I have made it.

I am in charge of my own destiny. I am in charge of my own life. I am in charge of my own behavior and attitude. I have made my staff, and committed to the journey. It is time.

I am a Master.