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Remove the Power Dynamic and Re-Ask the Question

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

Earlier this week, I received a question from a woman who was wondering how to approach her  dominant partner regarding the time he was spending with an ex-submissive. She was expressing anger  that he was not spending that time with her, and that she was conflicted about talking to him about it,  because he was her dominant. 

The day before that, I read a question in a FetLife discussion group regarding how to find compatible partners for a D/s relationship. 

The day before that, a woman was complaining that her dominant husband / ‘daddy’ wasn’t paying her  enough attention and was triggering a ‘fear of abandonment’ issue for her. According to her, it was ‘his  job’ to take care of her…and he wasn’t. 

These three problems share a common thread: They all highlight power dynamics in the relationship, and yet, all have absolutely nothing to do with power dynamics!  

In follow-up discussions with each of these people, I was able to ascertain the root of the real  issues…and in all three cases, the core values of the relationship were in question – not the power  dynamics. In the first case, the woman felt he was spending time with his ex that she felt he should  prefer he spend with her. In the discussion, I asked if she would feel the same way if it was a beer-buddy  that he was seeing, rather than an ex – and eventually she admitted it wasn’t the time so much as the  person. She was feeling insecure and threatened by an ex-partner of her partner. Who hasn’t felt that? 

The gentleman in the second problem was receiving advice from lots of folks online: Get out there, go to  munches, meet the person first then find kink compatibility, etc. It read like a lot of standard, vanilla  dating advice…because it was…because ultimately, he was looking for a partner…we’ve all done that. 

The third woman was dealing with an abandonment issue that she had already spent a lifetime in  therapy working through. She knew the tools she needed to put in place to help herself, but was  avoiding the effort and placing it on her dominant. But the real problem was the same as it always was and the resolution rested with her, as it always had. 

I don’t know whether it’s a need for self-importance or just a correlation vs. consequence conflation, but  I often see people who are in relationships with power dynamics giving WAY too much importance to  the power dynamic and denying the fact that they are in a good-old relationship. I often hear how much  “stronger” a relationship is, because it has a power dynamic. Or, how much better the people are at  communicating because they have a power dynamic that requires communication. 

I believe this is a correlation and not a consequence and I challenge it: Power dynamics are just one of  MANY mutual dynamics / passions a couple can share – any of which will strengthen a relationship and  many of which will exercise communications. In fact, any activity or dynamic in which you engage, that  exercises communications, will TEST those communication skills – and your relationship will hang in the balance. Having a power dynamic doesn’t improve your communication skills – good communication  skills improve your power dynamic. You can observe good communications in relationships that last, and  that includes power relationships that last. But it’s not the existence of the power dynamic that creates  the good communications…it’s the other way around. 

When folks approach me with questions / issues regarding their power relationships, most of the time the problem really has nothing to do with the power dynamic. Most of the challenges we face are plain old relationship conflicts that need plain-old relationship solutions. What I have also found is that most of the people who approach me already know the answer to the problem, but are failing to see it,  believing it must be different because they have a power dynamic! In some cases, they are HOPING it  will be different because they have a power dynamic! 

What I mean by that last statement is that many times the resolutions to relationship issues are difficult,  and it would be awesome if having a power dynamic would make them simpler to resolve. There is an  aspect of ‘giving up control’ that makes one’s life easier…and it is nice to think that giving up control will  make relationship issue resolution easier too. Unfortunately, the layers don’t really mix that way.  Relationship issues hit at a very base-level of NEED in people…and power dynamics aren’t impacting that  level in that way. You must deal with relationship issues as equal partners in a relationship. There are no shortcuts. 

I have found that resolution to most of these issues comes directly from the people themselves, once I force them to restate the question removing the power dynamic. When they voice their concern without consideration for their position in the power dynamic – and just look at it objectively within their knowledge of vanilla relationships, they suddenly can see the answer.  

Sometimes, this is all that’s needed. Sometimes, they don’t like the answer they see, when they are forced to realize that power dynamics can’t be used as a crutch, an excuse for lazy behavior, or a reason  to pass the burden of resolution onto their partner due to their role in the power dynamic. Issues with  power dynamics need to be addressed without the D/s dynamic. 

Next time you’re faced with a problem, try restating the issue without consideration for your power  dynamic. What would a vanilla person do? If the answer to that question is clear to you, like it or not, it  is probably the appropriate answer to your problem as well! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Living in a 24/7 TPE Dynamic

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I live with my collared slut. She and I have a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE). This means that at all  times she chooses to submit to me. Our dynamic is sex forward. So, one aspect of our dynamic is that at  any time, I am free to use her sexually. Our dynamic is kink forward as well. What this means is that at  any time, I am free to do anything I wish to her in any kink context that I choose. Naturally, she is not a  slave, and she has agency, and she has given me her consent. Naturally, I would never do anything to  her or with her that ignored or violated her hard limits. I say “naturally” because all kink dynamics are based on trust.  

When I made the choice to seek a submissive partner to live in a 24/7 TPE, I did so after exploring a wide  range of kink scenes with an array of submissive women. While I was quite happy with the kink, the sex  itself was unfulfilling and I became present to the fact that for me, what was missing was the intimacy of  romantic partnership. In my exploration of kink, I learned some things about myself. What sort of  fetishes I had and which ones I wanted to explore further and so when I began my search, I had a list of  “must haves” and list of “I’d like to have” considerations.  

For example, I knew that I was seeking an obedient submissive masochist who was herself seeking a  24/7 TPE. She needed to into or at least open to my entire fetish list. That was the start of the adventure.  

I wrote a “seeking post” that posted in all the personal’s on Fetlife in the local and nearby cities. Almost  immediately, I received many inquiries from women and I met a few of them. One woman in particular  got my attention. Her questions seemed genuine and her curiosity authentic. We messaged for months,  spoke once or twice and then, I gave her a task to assess both her obedience and masochism. What I did was I asked her to attempt to orgasm with ginger in her ass. It was smore than that, but that was the gist  of it. Not only did she do so, but she orgasmed 3 times and then she sat in a Nadu pose with the ginger  inserted and experienced an out of body moment. That task had me anxious to meet her.  

We met in person at a restaurant and in the very first moments of our meeting, she made the choice to  submit to me. Before we even spoke. My dominant nature, my way of being, my pheromones,  whatever, something in her was triggered and she chose me to gift herself to.  

Over the next few months, she worked to get complete in her separation and file for divorce (something  that was occurring regardless of my interactions with her. Eventually, when she had taken steps to  formally separate, she put herself forward to be claimed.  

In claiming her, I would mark her inside and out as my own submissive. We had talked about this, and it  took courage to put herself as a new kinkster, in the hands of a sadist. The Claiming Ceremony involved  being chained, marked with a cane, having me piss in her ass and down her throat.  

That began a journey of exploration as we explored many different scenes and kinks of a wide variety of  alternatives, to get our kink in alignment. She is very obedient and she does everything I ask. Then after  we play, we debrief and we assess if we should do that again, more intensely, less intensely or not at all.  

Communication in a kink dynamic is probably the most important aspect of our kink and, in truth, you  could say that our favorite fetish is communication. You would not be wrong. I’ll say one important thing about communication between a Dom and a sub. There are times when we need to set aside our  dynamic and talk as equals. This is important because as I noted at the outset, she has agency.  

Before long, she moved in with me and we started to explore living together in a kink dynamic. Not long  after that, we started talking about collaring her. We made the choice to delay the collaring itself until  she had created the space she needed to create a new relationship by getting complete with her  divorce. This is an important consideration. In order to be able to commit herself to me, she needed to  be divorced completely. I needed her to be able to give me her full attention, and with the background  noise of an ongoing divorce she did not have the mindset nor the space to put her attention on  something brand new. And as soon as her divorce was done and she was complete, we began to plan  her collaring ceremony in earnest.  

We took collaring seriously. We wrote our statements out so we would not forget what we wanted to  say and she kneeled in a circle of candle lights and white rose petals as we started the ceremony by  being with each other. We sat there staring into each other’s eyes, silently, or perhaps 5 minutes. We  said what there was to say and then we created an intense and prolonged scene to mark the occasion.  

It was a beautiful private ceremony that bound us in our kink.  

What has happened since then is that we have become closer, more connected and more aligned than ever.  

The best aspect of being in a kink dynamic is what we call “The Rabbit Hole”. Why kink is like a rabbit  hole is that it takes twists and turns and we discover new things about ourselves and each other. One  example is the time I made the choice to give her a daily maintenance spanking. This occurred because I  noticed that as the week passed after our weekend marking sessions, she became “out of sorts” and it  was clear that she was in a great mood after being marked. And while she put herself forward to be  spanked as instructed, what came out of that was unexpected. We used the experience to try different  implements on her and she found that with the heavy flogger, somewhere around 150 strokes, she  started to have orgasms and experience the flogging as electrical energy. We have experimented with  over 1000 strokes, which she loved. This was completely unexpected. Another example is the time I put  her in chastity for a month and we only explored anal sex. She discovered her ass as a sex organ –  eating her ass gives her orgasms. That was unexpected.  

My point is that in the rabbit hole, the twists and turns are surprising and its super fun to have a partner  with whom that exploration is occurring.  

So what makes our dynamic work? First, we subscribe to a few principles:  

– There is nothing wrong.  

– We are both 100% responsible.  

– We are in communication.  

– Trust is present.  

There is one other thing. She is incredibly obedient. I find her obedience a turn on. She adheres to  protocols with a religious fervor. I love it. 

Now a few words on the principles we adhere to. When we say “there is nothing wrong” it is not to  dismiss her point of view or her complaint or mine, it’s a recognition that as human beings, we make  meaning out of things we do not completely understand. It’s a function of being human. What there is  to deal with is “what’s so” about a thing. That keeps us from escalating moments in a negative direction.  Second, we both take full responsibility to keep the dynamic alive and well. Its not a 50/50 deal at all. Its  100%/0%. And we talk. We talk so often about so many aspects about our dynamic that we started the  podcast Kinky Cocktail Hour. And most important, trust really is present. She trust me to use her hard  and not break her. She trusts me to love her and care for her and I trust her to do the same. Intimacy is present.  

Our dynamic works because we are committed and not attached to the dynamic and we go with the  ebbs and flows of our desires and demands. As the Dom, it is my responsibility to read her. To gauge her  energy and her mindset. We have sexualized her completely. She experiences herself as a very sexy  creature And she is perfectly suited to be my personal slut. The result is that our sex is lava hot. I would  say conservatively, that in the 3 years we have been together, we have had sex over 1,000 times, each  time being the hottest sex ever. She always presents herself to be used and it starts there. Lately, we are  employing hypnosis to move her into a trance state more quickly and I am training her to experience deep throat fucking as orgasmic. It’s hot.  

Writing this has caused me to send her a message that I am going to use her hard when she gets home  from work, and I am going to “fuck her silly”. Because our sexuality is wrapped up in kink, this means  that she will get flogged and fucked today. Her response? “Mmmmmm…Very, Very HOT!!”. Then she sent me this text:  

“Verfreude”  

The German word Vorfreude is unique and has no English equivalent. It comes from the  words vor (“before”) and Freude (“joy”) and means something along the lines of “joyful anticipation.” Vorfreude is the joy you experience while you are looking forward to something.  

Germans often say: “Vorfreude ist die schönste Freude” which means “anticipation is the greatest joy”.  

I have Verfreude too.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on our Patreon:  

https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground 

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky Cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

Erotica: The Laughter Of Kink

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I asked what you wanted, as I have many times before.  Usually, you will tell me you are unsure, and decide in the moment what will please you.  This time you had an answer.

“I want to hear you laugh.”

I was taken aback.  Have I been so depressed that you are unable to see something so simple?  Has it become so rare you feel the need to request it?  I am disheartened to think I have stopped giving you such a small thing.

I shake my head of my thoughts and look at you. “You want me to laugh?”

“Yes.  It makes me happy to hear you laugh.”

It has been a long time since I was at a loss for words.  I do not know where to even begin to make this happen.  If it were so easy, I probably would have done so already.  It will be a challenge Sir.  But I am sure I can accommodate your request.  

I am nervous Sir.  I have been so unsure of what you have planned.  I am so afraid of disappointing you.  This is the first time you have told me what you plan to do.  I always thought that doing so would take away the anticipation.  It did not.  

You have decided on tickle torture.

I am convinced of two things.  I am probably going to piss myself.  And I am probably going to die.  Ok, that is a little dramatic, even for me.  But I cannot help it.

I am standing before you, completely exposed.  I am trying to be patient.  Methodically, you are wrapping rope around me.  My arms are folded behind me, each hand clasping an opposite forearm.  My eyes are closed, and I am trying to relax my breathing.

Ropes have never been a limit.  We just do not use them.  I have discovered that my patience is minimal when it comes to this kind of prep work.

Your hands are soft as you move the rope around me.  Ever so slowly, it tightens into place.  Finally, I hear you chuckle.  I am curious at what has amused you.  My eyes pop open just in time to catch the camera flash.  

My head dropped down to hide my blush.  No matter how depraved we get, I never cease to feel so shy when your attention is focused on me.

“Head up sweetie.”

I complied.

Your hands are tugging at different spots.  I am sure you are making sure that nothing will damage me.

“How does that feel?”

“Good, Master.  Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet.  We are just getting started.”

There is that feeling again.  The nervous anticipation.  

Your fingers are running through my hair.  It is so long now.  You seem to have such a fascination with it.  I feel a tap on my shoulder, and I kneel.  As I settle, I feel a brush run through my hair.  I stay silent, enjoying the feeling.  You have never done this before.

I try to stamp down the little voice inside my head that tells me that you are dissatisfied with me for leaving my hair down.  I normally pull it back, but I thought you might enjoy the change.  Was I wrong, Sir?  Should I not have deviated from my normal routine?

I try not to let my inner thoughts ruin what you are doing.  I have to remember to breathe.  It does not matter the why.  It only matters what pleases you.

After several long moments, I feel you pull my hair back and wrap it into a ponytail.  Then I felt the telltale pull of braiding.  I have not had someone braid my hair in years.  It is odd how much I am enjoying this.

Of course, I am not blind to the fact that the nicer you are now, the rougher you will be later.

I am sure I make quite the picture, Sir.  The white ropes are stark as they crisscross over my skin.  My shoulder muscles are taunt from trying to free my hands.  My hair hangs in a braid down my back. And the beautiful cherry on top, is my jaw wrenched open by a red ball gag.  I can feel the amount of drool sliding down the sides of my mouth.

Do I glisten Sir? Are you enjoying the mess you have turned me into before we have even started?

You do not have to answer Sir.  I can see the glint in your eye. You are enjoying this.

At least you were kind enough to use the gag with holes through it. Maybe I will still be breathing at the end of this.

The first shove took me off guard.  I have been standing here, just waiting for instructions, and you have not said a word.  You just stared at me.  Do you know how unnerving that is or how much it makes me want to squirm?

But I know better.  I waited, as still as possible, for your instruction.

Suddenly, I felt your hand in the middle of my back and I was forcefully shoved.  My body hits the bed and it takes the wind out of me for a second.  I try to get my knees under me to adjust myself, but you are not letting up.

The game has begun.

I feel several rough smacks from your hand every time I try to shift up.  There is no warm-up today.  Finally, taking far longer than it should have for me to understand, I stop trying to get my knees under me.  All I am doing is giving you a target.

I start rotating my body so that I can flip onto my side.  You start tickling my feet.  I cannot help but laugh.  It sounds awfully breathy through the gag.  I hate being tickled.  Did I mention that Sir?  I despise it.  But above all, I despise anyone tickling my feet.  They are so sensitive that it often hurts.

My brain is fighting over the rules.  I am not supposed to move when you tickle me.  Because you enjoy watching me struggle.  Yet, my reflex is to kick at you.

I curl my knees up, trying to keep my feet still but move from your reach.  It is a fruitless endeavor.  You simply move closer.  My body is twisting, I have lost the battle to stay still.  I am laughing.  I turn to look at you.  Your face is filled with Sadistic glee.

In that second, I know exactly why I agreed to this.

I cannot take it anymore. My legs are kicking at you.  This just seems to amuse you more.  I roll onto my back so I can use my feet to push me up the bed, trying to escape.  You expected the move.  Your hands wrap around my ankles and tug.  My ass is at the edge of the bed.  You move over me and straddle my hips.  As you meet my eyes, your fingers move to my sides and start tickling me relentlessly.

I toss my head side to side.  Your thighs tighten on my hips.  I am pinned.  I will be at your mercy until you decide otherwise.

It hurts but I cannot stop laughing.  My brow is matted with sweat.  This is one hell of a workout.

I feel one of your hands move up my stomach and grab roughly at my boob.  Your fingers pinch my nipples tightly and you tug upward.  You are just holding it.  Every time I try to twist from the tickling.  You gave me a slight reprieve from the tickling but now both my nipples are under your sadistic hands.  

Your thumb and pointer fingers hold tight to my nipples.  You seem to enjoy pinching right where my piercings lay.  It hurts so much more, especially when you roll them until your nails are dig into the tender flesh.

You smirk down at me when I hiss in pain.  Without a word, you lean down and take my nipple between your teeth and tug harshly.  I should probably specify that the strangled noise you heard was, in fact, a gasp.  A gasp, I repeated, as you spent a few minutes alternating between each of my nipples.  

They are so tender Sir.  They will be for days.  But you know that.  You know my work clothes will press upon the tortured flesh and I will be distracted by the memories it conjures.

You let go suddenly and lean back.  Your body weight presses down on my thighs and my stomach heaves in exhaustion.  You are looking down at me.  Your eyes boring into mine.  My face is flush. I can feel it.  My jaw aches as I pant through the gag.  

I’ve never seen you so energetic during play.  You have a glow about you.  It makes me happy.

I can feel myself slipping Sir.  I can see the static starting to form around you.  The blood is rushing loudly through my ears, making it difficult to hear.  I am quickly sinking into subspace, Sir.  

I am positive you see it.

Your hand wraps in the front harness of ropes and pulls my upper body close to you.  My eyes feel blown open as I try to meet your eyes.  It is so difficult to make eye contact Sir.  I am losing focus.

You let go and I drop back to the bed.  My head bounces.  I am saddened by the loss of pressure.  

Suddenly, your hand is wrapped back in the ropes as you spin my body around.  I will never understand how you can move me as though I am weightless.  

My feet are on the wall and my legs are bent.  My head rests in the middle of the bed and I am staring up at the ceiling.  I laugh when you wrap my braid around your hands.  I understand now.

I needed a handle.  

I push against the wall, trying to alleviate the tugging on my head as I am pulled to the edge of the bed.  As my head comes to rest, hanging off the bed, I see you crouch down.  I feel you undoing the buckle of the gag.  Your fingers slide around my cheeks, towards my lips, and you gently pry the gag from between my teeth.  

The first thing I did was swallow.  I am sticky with sweat and saliva, but I unable to move to wipe it away.  As you stand, I move to lift my head, but you prevent it by stepping forward.  Your jeans press against my face.

I can smell your arousal Sir.  It excites me.

Like the good girl I am, I open wide and stick out my tongue.

Have I been good enough to get a reward Sir?  Will I get to taste you?

You stand there for a few minutes.  I feel restless. I rub my face against your jeans.  Please, Sir.  Please may I please you?

I keep still and quiet.  You do not like to feel rushed.  I am here for your pleasure, not the other way around.

Then I hear it.

Your zipper slides down and the button is tugged from its home.  Teasingly, you take your time pulling out your cock.  I have no choice but to wait patiently.  I am not in a position to initiate anything and you know it.

You put the tip to my lips.  I stick my tongue out and work my piercing around the head.  I push the tip of my tongue slightly against your slit, moving it up and down for a few strokes before I return to circling the head.  

I must have teased you a little too much.

Without warning, your length is down my throat, passed my gag reflex.  My throat is spasming around you as I gag.  I am struggling to breath.  My nose is buried in your balls and your scent is all around me, but I cannot draw breath.  

I start struggling.  My feet flatten on the bed and I lift my hips.  My lower half is twisting, trying to tell you I need to breathe.

You wait a few seconds more.

Then you pull back.  I draw breath just before you thrust in again.  Over and over, I struggle to breathe as you alternate your rhythm.  Sometimes you fuck my mouth without mercy.  Then you will bury yourself deep and wait until my body twists and turns in panic before pulling back.  

It starts to get fuzzy around here Sir.  I remember your hand wrapping around my throat as you push your length slowly back in.  You do not go far enough to trigger my gag reflex.  My chest is heaving, drawing small, short pockets of air around your cock.  

I feel as though I am suffocating but you always leave me enough room to draw breath.

When your hand leaves my neck, I feel you pull yourself from my mouth.  My eyes are struggling to stay open.  

As they slide closed, my body exhausted, I feel you finish on my face.  I can feel it across my forehead and my eyes.  There is even a bit sliding down my cheek.

I feel relaxed now Sir.  My breathing is slowing, and everything is quiet.

I feel your finger tap twice on my lips.  I open obediently.  You wipe the last of your cum across my tongue.

I must have missed you speaking.  It is rare you resort to hand signals.

It is so quiet.  

Where are you, Sir? 

My body is freezing now.  All the hairs are standing on end and I am shivering.

Your hands are like fire as they caress my skin.

I both love and hate this.  I want to curl into you Sir.  Yet, I have to wait as you remove the ropes.  I know you are being cautious, so I do not get burned, but I just want you to hold me.

Once free, my body just drops.  I do not even have the strength to even lift my head.

I jump slightly when I feel a warm cloth on my face.  You are cleaning me up.  

It saddens me to have my face cleaned but I appreciate you taking care of me, Sir.

Even with my eyes closed, I know you are talking to me.  I cannot hear you.  But that is normal.  

I hope my laughter has pleased you, Sir.

As soon as my senses dull, and I come back to you, I will be sure to thank you properly.

With three kisses to each boot and my forehead to the floor.

Scene Safety in Mixed Venue Environments

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As time goes on money gets tighter and clubs dedicated to BDSM only are becoming more scarce or harder to get into. As a result, mixed venue environments are being used more often for events, gatherings, and play parties. Mixed venue environments are places which may be kink friendly but are not solely dedicated to BDSM such as swingers clubs, kink friendly bars/nightclubs, or any other place where we can reasonably believe the crowd around where we will be playing comes from differing lifestyles.

There are plenty of safety considerations when deciding on the type of play and setup for a scene in these environments, it all hinges on forethought and preparation. Stand-off distance, equipment choice/availability, crowd movement around the play space, crowd monitoring, and crowd composition are some of the considerations when setting the scene and deciding on the type of scene you will be running.

Playing Where Not Everyone Knows the Etiquette

“People should know to stay out of our way,” is often the attitude of my fellow Lifestylers who are not as accustomed to working in mixed venues. Except a good portion of the crowd will likely not know the safety standards, may be drinking or using other intoxicants, and likely do not understand the needs of the players for unencumbered space for everyone’s safety, including their own. What we often take for granted, others are naïve of.

Recently I attended a kink night at a swingers club. This was a common event once a month (my first time there) and many of the kink players there were not familiar with the space as they had changed the setup of their “dungeon.” What was previously a fairly open and lighted space was now a tight, crowded, poorly lit area. So overcrowded with equipment it restricted players in ways they might not normally have to deal with in a dedicated dungeon. In addition, as aforementioned, there were plenty of intoxicated people around to throw a wrench in the works.

A spanking bench was set up dead center in a 20’ x25’ “dungeon” surrounded by a set of stocks, two St. Andrews Crosses, a medical table, flogging post, and a rather large snake looking things which I have no name for. There were no dungeon monitors to prevent anyone from encroaching on play. Out in another area there were two suspension rigs hanging above the dance floor barely ten feet apart without any cordon around the space to keep people at a distance.

To those who might not know better, it might look like a very cool set up. However, the reality was this space was ripe for someone becoming injured, including bystanders. As a result, players were unable to freely engage in activity without being constantly encroached on; no suspensions happened but plenty of rather loopy people walked up and started using the steel suspension rings like a jungle gym to the chagrin of the two rope tops trying to get something going; and actual scenes were few. But plenty of people brought budget toys to go after each other in manners I would rather not describe. Not a single first aid kit was in sight.

I did speak with the venue owners later in the evening to express my concerns. To their credit, they were more than willing to help make changes in the future to improve both safety and the ability to play. They just did not know what they did not know. Not their fault, but I am surprised no one had taken them aside before and had this conversation.

Before I go farther, I am not blaming anyone. There are a vast number of people entering kink who simply do not know and have not seen what can happen when things go wrong. I am just focusing on what I was able to determine as potential problem areas and try to address how to play safer in similar venues should you choose to attend one.

The new reality for many of us is we must learn to work within the spaces available to us for our kinky gatherings. Whether we like it or not. For some, they are the only spaces available to them.

About Some of the Considerations.

Stand-off distance: Depending on the space available, we may not be able to run a scene with a single-tail or other long implements. How much room is available will drive, partially, the type of toys we may be able to use. Or we may get to where we are setting up and have to change what we have planned. Bring options so you can adjust as needed. We need the length of our implement, plus the length of our arm, plus 18 inches for a minimum safe distance regarding swing path (from where we will be standing, not from the center of the furniture in use). There also needs to be at least four feet around where our bottom will be so no one can reach in and touch them.

If possible, we should border the play space with rope or tape at waist height to create our standoff. If this is not possible, we might have to get creative with how to create the standoff. Or enlist the help of a couple other players to DM for you, and in turn, DM for them to help keep the look-e-loos at bay.

Equipment/Furniture: Whether you bring your own, or the kink furniture is being provided, it all takes up space. Where it is placed within the play space and what angle it is placed can maximize your room available without having to impinge on the rest of the venue. Regardless of what we want, it is not likely the space provided for play will be able to be expanded (indoors) and your choice of implement may need to change accordingly.  

Mixed venue spaces are geared more for the social, than they are for play. There may be other impediments such as tables and chairs, a bar, couches etc. which may limit where we can move kink furniture. Coordinating with local management to set up a play space for a limited time may or may not be an option, but it does not hurt to ask.

Crowd Movement Around the Play Space: Pay attention to the major routes of movement around your potential space. Which way are people traveling? Where are they going? Is it a route to essential services such as restrooms, a first aid station, or (chuckles) the bar? If you are able, pick a play space, or set up the play space so people only need to move on one side or another. Again, keep in mind your backswing area and over travel area for certain types of toys.

At one mixed venue club we attend regularly, our group takes over an elevated stage which is just about the right amount of room for a spank bench or horse and enough standoff to conduct flogging. Being bordered on three sides by couches (occupied by our friends) we are able to control the space fairly well.

Crowd Monitoring: We may need not just a Dungeon Monitor but someone to pay attention to what the crowd is doing. Often others in the immediate area will not understand what they are seeing and may try to encroach on the space in one way or another. The DM must have the ability to watch both play and monitor the crowd. In some cases, there may need to be more than one DM for the scene. Regardless, our DM needs to have the understanding that many of the people around them, do not know what is safe, needed, or expected. The ability to keep a cool head and explain things calmly will help greatly.

Crowd Composition: Let’s face it, some of the play we can get into can seem pretty rough, if not actually rough, to the uneducated observer.  Edge type play in a mixed venue is probably not a good idea. Knives, hook suspensions, scat, piss, roman showers, blood etc. can get the average Joe or Jane all worked up and upset. Giving consideration to the crowd you will be in front of, can prevent Joe/Jane from having the compelling need to save your bottom from you and putting your DM in a bad position. Not saying you cannot do these and other things, just saying you should think about it first and plan accordingly.

Be Open to Questions: After the scene, when appropriate for you, be willing to answer questions for those who are curious. This is your opportunity to talk about not just the scene, but why things were set up the way they were, etiquette, as well as other points we simply take for granted. Remember, they likely do not know, be kind.

Final Thoughts

We all want to have the safest play possible, have successful events, and forward a good impression of kink, BDSM, and our Lifestyle. A little extra time and planning can help make that happen. How we conduct our play in mixed venues gives us the ability to be good kink ambassadors. We can show through our actions, how we handle onlookers, and answering questions that kink is more than just slapping people around and skull fucking.

There is always a way to have our fun in these environments, we just have to be flexible about it. So go out and get your kink on!

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1

Parenting And BDSM

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via stock.adobe.com

I am always intrigued by questions that have, within them, enough range so they apply to a large swath of lifestylers, not just a few. Since many here are parents, and are more likely than not to be required to spend a lot of time with your kids because of Covid-19, this question has relevance far beyond the narrow confines of parenting. So here goes:

Reader: I am a single parent who is getting seriously involved in a D/s relationship. How can I be a good subbie while continuing to be a good mother – especially during the pandemic?

This is a great question. Funny, whenever you read BDSM stories like, “And then he tied me to the cross, his eyes ice-cold as he whipped me, then pulling my hair back, he then took me suddenly and violently.” You never read, “And then our seven year old, Skippy, came to the door, asking where the remote was and yelling ‘I’m hungry, mom’.” Children are the great BDSM secret; they never exist in BDSM – other than in the lives of seventy percent of adult couples who practice BDSM. It is the great BDSM secret — how do you conduct a BDSM relationship with children around?

First of all, the mental mindset of a good subbie is totally compatible with being a mother. Subbies (using your term) generally come out of a nurturing role. She is committed to tending to the needs of her Dom/me, just as she is committed to tending to the needs of her children. In the overall, there is little conflict here, And although there are times where you would need to become more of a Domme when disciplining your children, in the overall being a mother would seem to have a big submissive component to it.

And a good subbie just naturally sets a good example for her kids. A D/s couple who have a stable hierarchy, do not talk back to each other and are respectful to each other will effortlessly set a good parental example. Once again, being a good mother and a good sub are not mutually exclusive.
It is in the physical world where you will have to make some hard choices.

The first choice is the D/s protocol of your relationship – will it be high, low or no? And although it theoretically is the Dom’s choice, BDSM mythology goes out the window when kids are involved. So, both of you should discuss how you want to define your lifestyle. Will it be a high protocol relationship – where you always address your Dom/me as ‘Sir’, ‘Mistress’ or ‘Master’? (There seems to be no equivalent for female ‘Sir’) Or is it a low or no-protocol relationship. High protocol is really hard to maintain in front of kids. They are forever asking questions and mimicking your actions. So, unless you want them calling their male schoolmates “Sir,” you might think about some revisions in your protocol.

I personally was in a high protocol relationship where my slave had kids. Although she always addressed me as “Master,” she cleverly added the word “Blaster” to it whenever the children – or vanilla people – were around. ‘Master Blaster’ has a kind of innocent, cartoonish aspect to it that was a great disguise. Although this might be a clever solution for some, high protocol D/s around children is still next to impossible to maintain; keep this in mind when negotiating your hard limits.

The other physical aspect is your BDSM play space. If your kids are younger than eighteen, most people I have spoken to recommend the “outta” system. Keep it outta their view! If you have a home dungeon, lock it and keep the explanation consistent and simple. Keep all your BDSM toys secured – as you would sex toys. (Your bag might have both!) And do not forget the obvious – lock your bedroom door; if you take pictures of your BDSM play, DO NOT leave your cellphone around – especially if it is not password protected.

Of course, in a non-Covid world, you could keep your BDSM play exclusively in the dungeon (if there is one near you.) But until then, I hope these tips gave you some ideas on how to practice BDSM as a parent in 2021!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Low Protocol And Power Exchange

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via stock.adobe.com

It began in baby steps.  Our dynamic was very much an experiment, with each movement forward and each step of the way tested before the full weight of the relationship was brought to bear upon it. 

It was a scary amount of power to give up.  I came into the relationship a business owner, and began a second venture about a year in.  Handing the metaphorical reins over to another when my hard work of years was on the line was a truly terrifying thing to even contemplate.   It came part and parcel of our TPE, however, and I had to trust that he would allow me to continue to make decisions without his interference.

Part of owning a business is having to interact with others in various ways, be it as the customer service representative who is discussing a potential order, as the cashier handling payment, as the scheduler booking classes, as the manager attending to someone’s satisfaction, as the artisan building product and providing updates, or in educational capacities, both online and in-person.  That’s a lot of hats, and they require a certain amount of freedom of action on my part.  It has necessitated trust on his part that I would make decisions and behave in ways of which he would approve without having to have specific protocols in place to govern those actions.

As someone who has grown to become firmly embedded in my local community, I see an incredibly wide variety of levels of protocol.  Some are required to ask prior to leaving the presence of their master, some are required to follow protocols which govern their interactions with others in various settings.  Perhaps it is a set protocol involving carrying packages or interacting with waitstaff or asking permission prior to speaking and touching friends or strangers within kink settings.  Interestingly enough (and this is a conversation I have had with friends on occasion, because many of us are fascinated by the differences in how relationships are built), many of the dynamics I have observed which involve a small business seem to run with a lower degree of formality and protocol, perhaps out of that same necessity.

If I must receive permission to speak to individuals prior to doing so, even ones of specified gender, and my partner is away from our vendor table, I would quickly become ineffective as a merchant.  I would be unable to answer questions or complete a sale.  The same holds true of online interactions.  It would effectively make the business I run hobbled during his regular work hours until he could handle the aspects I was not permitted to attend to without him.  That would lead to additional stress, and I ask a great deal of him as my business partner already.  While he does make those decisions, he has chosen to leave many of the finer details up to me, limiting the majority of his participation to financial decisions such as inventory purchases, and to customer interactions in order to keep me from using my energy and focus up in those areas rather than in completing projects.

The leaves much of our dynamic very informal, from a protocol standpoint.  Fortunately, that works well for our personalities and the way we fit together.  While I sometimes feel that our low protocol interactions can be mistaken for a more casual relationship, which can bring with it a feeling of being less than, I remind myself that some of those stares may be from envy for what may appear to be a higher level of freedom. 

Make no mistake, however.  He holds full authority over me, regardless of the appearance of casualness our low protocol level may give outsiders.  It is so important for us all to remember that each relationship, each dynamic forms as it works best for the individuals in question.  For some, that may mean there are specific rituals and protocols dictating large portions of their actions.  For others, such as us, that total power exchange may rely more on the granted authority of the top-of-slash rather than any formalized behaviors.  We all have to determine what works best for us as individuals and as couples or relationship groups, and build from that foundation.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Different Levels of Protocol

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I’ve written before about protocol – but this article is to go into the subject a little further.  I want to talk about different levels of protocol.  Low (or everyday) protocol, medium protocol, and high protocol.  Keep in mind that one person’s “medium” can be another person’s “high” or someone else’s “low”. Also, some D/s relationships may choose to maintain medium or high protocols and not allow low protocol with perhaps just a few exceptions. I will describe these categories with various examples to give you a general idea of what I’m talking about.

Low/everyday Protocol

This refers to the most casual form of protocols.  These may include protocols that aren’t as obvious to the vanilla world. Or being in “low protocol” may simply mean you aren’t adhering to most of your protocols with a few exceptions, like coffee service for example.

Medium Protocol

For many people in D/s relationships this may be their everyday protocol or for some it may be the protocols that they adhere to whenever they are at a kink event.

High Protocol

Typically this level of protocol is followed when attending a high protocol kink event.  It also may be used for specific periods of time (eg, high protocol weekend) or specific situations (eg, hosting a high protocol dinner).

So what would this perhaps look like in reality?  I’m going to use one type of protocol as an example and explain how it would be done in low vs medium vs high.

Let’s start with a fun one – bathroom protocol!  Lol  If this is a protocol that’s followed then the low/everyday version may be that the s-type must let the D-type know that they are using the restroom.  The medium version is the one many people are more familiar with.  This would be where the s-type must ask permission to use the restroom.

Wondering what the heck high protocol would look like?  Some people think it may be that the s-type isn’t allowed to go to the restroom.  Not quite.  Typically it may look like the s-type isn’t using the restroom, when in reality they are simply having to wait for permission to use the restroom – they may not ask.  This, of course, means that the D-type needs to pay close attention!

Another example would be protocol about where the s-type locates themselves around the D-type.  In low protocol the s-type may be required to stand or sit to the left of their D-type.  In medium protocol perhaps they must stand or sit to their left in a specific position.  In high protocol perhaps there is an added protocol that the s-type always sits on the floor at the D-types’ feet whether the D-type is standing or sitting.

These are just a couple of simple examples – something to give you an idea of how protocols can be used in different ways.  As I mentioned before – these are general examples, one person may treat the medium bathroom protocol as their high protocol, etc.

You can also use different collars to represent the level of protocol you’re in.  For example – when in low protocol perhaps the s-type wears an everyday, or casual, collar.  In medium protocol situations there may be a more traditional or fetish collar used.  In high protocol the s-type may wear a fetish collar or perhaps a posture collar is used.  These various collars still represent the same relationship dynamic.

Added note – in some circumstances protocols of any kind are more difficult.  Vanilla settings, family functions, etc.  Some people may decide to temporarily remove protocols or come up with “vanilla protocols” that represent the protocols they have in place but that are very discreet or aren’t noticeable.  For example, they have a protocol in place where the s-type must ask permission to start eating.  This may be viewed unfavorably by a more mainstream crowd.  So, instead, they decide that the s-types way of “asking permission” is to comment about how good the meal looks/smells, etc.  Then the D-types way of “giving permission” is by agreeing that the food look/smells delicious.  Nobody is the wiser but the D/s couple has stuck to their protocol, under the radar.

I hope this gives a bit more insight as to how protocols can be used in different ways.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

I Won’t Do That!

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Regrets wrong doing. Man having a duh moment

From time to time I answer questions here that I find intriguing. Here is one of them, asked by a female submissive:

“I met a Dom on the Internet. He is awesome. But he is very high protocol. At first I liked all aspects of it. I am now starting find it too confining and am beginning to dread the all-encompassing aspects of it. One more ritual and I think I will lose it. I love the guy, but this aspect is wearing on me. What should I do?”

This is a question, in many similar forms, that I have heard many times before; it is not an uncommon dilemma. That said, the fact that you are not alone does nothing to help you solve your problem. So, let’s see what we can do.

I have always said, here on Kink Weekly, that, ideally, you should match your protocol needs to that of your D/s partner. Rarely can a low-protocol slave adapt to a high-protocol Master, and vice-versa. I am sure he told you that he was high-protocol when you first met. But, you were intrigued by it and chose to give it a go. There is nothing wrong with that. After all, the only way to decide if you like something is to try it out. Most high-protocol lifestylers were not born that way; they simply evolved over time — after they wet their beaks, so to speak. Apparently, before you found out that you had difficulty with high-protocol, you fell in love. Although this would appear to be a big minus, it is actually a big plus.

Since you are in love, you will be giving your D/s partnership your best effort. And, if he is in love with you, so will he. Love cannot conquer all, but it can conquer a lot. What might be an insurmountable problem between play partners can often be solved when both partners are deeply committed to each other. Thus, you can expect your Dom to be a lot more understanding – and even more flexible – than a casual partner. Knowing this, we can then address your other, almost technical, concern.

This second aspect of your anxiety — that you liked high-protocol initially but don’t like it now – can also work to your advantage. It was not as if you were mismatched from the start. You did nothing wrong; you matched protocol levels as I suggested and proceeded forward. The fact that you originally liked high-protocol means there are aspects to it that turn you on. It is not unusual to burn out on things you enjoy. Even professional athletes, who clearly love what they do, can often get burned out during a season. The key here is to be honest with your Dom and explain your situation. It is obvious your attitude toward high-protocol has changed at some point during your relationship. You might be telling him something he already knows. People, subs included, are not robots. There are times when service is fun and times when they dread serving – even in great relationships. An experienced Dom, no matter how demanding his protocols are, will be aware of this fact. Thus, do not be afraid to discuss it with him. Don’t wait until the “Get your own fucking cup of coffee, asshole” stage when it is almost impossible to save your relationship. Better to face this predicament together, early on, than to let it fester and become an insoluble problem.

There are simple solutions, believe it or not. You might just need some time off. Maybe he can eliminate some specific rituals that you hate. Or, he can change 24/7 into an acceptable – to both of you – 20/5 kind of arrangement. Don’t sell yourself short. That you were an enthusiastic slave will not be lost on him. He will, more than likely, make some adjustments to keep you happy. But, no Dom (or Domme) is a mind reader. You must, within your protocol, tell him how you are handling, both good and bad, your submission. A skilled Dominant will always take your feelings into account. After all, an unhappy slave is not a good slave. Or, worse, she will soon be an ex-slave!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Old Guard vs. New Guard II

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red leather

Read Part One here.

As we approach our panel discussion, “Old Guard vs. New Guard,” that will be presented at DomCon LA, May 20th at 4:30 PM (Dexx will participate, so mark your calendar), I would like to review what the basic precepts are for both groups.
As with any analysis of cultural traditions, there are many forms of each group. For example, there are the original “Old Guard Leather Societies” that first appeared in the 1950s – 1960’s. These original “leather men” laid down the code of respect that a submissive accords a Dominant – such as addressing the Dominant as Sir, kneeling before the Master and courtesy to other lifestylers. A lot of our BDSM terminology — Tops and bottoms, Daddy’s and boys, Masters and slaves, alphas and betas and more — came to us from these leather men.

The Old Guard ritual in which the slave was required to keep the Master’s leather gear polished – often shining the boots in a formal “boot blacking” ceremony – is still practiced by some D/s couples. The collaring ceremony was codified by the leather men, as was the concept that the actual collar was the Top’s property. The use of slave contracts, according to some, also originated in the leather societies. The list of old guard traditions, many of which are practiced today in some form, is quite extensive.

The modern “Old Guard” was less leather oriented and more inclusive – especially as the “OG” old guard was a primarily gay subculture and leather was an integral part of this community. Today’s old guard is centered more about play rules – such as safe words and dungeon etiquette – rather than the strict leather code of their predecessors. Go to any dungeon party today and even the higher protocol lifestylers might not be wearing leather. Latex yes, leather no!

What has remained from the classic Old Guard is an integration of protocols into BDSM relationships. “High Protocol” is still quite common among the “new’ Old Guard. In a High Protocol relationship, there will be detailed rituals to perform. For example, a slave will be required to get up before her Master and make breakfast. And slaves are usually required to address their Master in a certain way – for example, by always calling her Master “Sir.” (Or Mistress or whatever is specified, depending on the relationship.)

This is but a quick overview of the “Old Guard”, both classic and modern versions, which will be covered in a more personal and easier-to-understand way at DomConLA. (Sneaky plug, eh?)

As to the new, Millennial-dominated “New Guard,” many partake in a more casual style of BDSM. This “lower-protocol” approach implies a more relaxed and less rigid type of D/s. For example, the submissive may not be required to address the Dominant as “Master,” “Sir” or “Mistress” every time.

As to the “New Guard,” many of the changes in their BDSM interactions reflect changes in our society. In the real world with real life demands, this “new style D/s” works best in their younger and faster paced community. It is not lower “on the food chain” than Old Guard BDSM; it might simply be more realistic for their age group. Some changes – such as cell phones with location tracking – have enabled the new generation to be less obsessive with “safe calls.” But this does not mean that the new generation is not into D/s; far from it. The new BDSM generation wants Dominance and submission – including switching. Adventurous lot I must say!

Since I am part of the new “Old Guard”, I have a lot to learn about the “New Guard” and where BDSM is going. Thus our panel.

I will see you at DomConLA!!!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.