I am always intrigued by questions that have, within them, enough range so they apply to a large swath of lifestylers, not just a few. Since many here are parents, and are more likely than not to be required to spend a lot of time with your kids because of Covid-19, this question has relevance far beyond the narrow confines of parenting. So here goes:
Reader: I am a single parent who is getting seriously involved in a D/s relationship. How can I be a good subbie while continuing to be a good mother – especially during the pandemic?
This is a great question. Funny, whenever you read BDSM stories like, “And then he tied me to the cross, his eyes ice-cold as he whipped me, then pulling my hair back, he then took me suddenly and violently.” You never read, “And then our seven year old, Skippy, came to the door, asking where the remote was and yelling ‘I’m hungry, mom’.” Children are the great BDSM secret; they never exist in BDSM – other than in the lives of seventy percent of adult couples who practice BDSM. It is the great BDSM secret — how do you conduct a BDSM relationship with children around?
First of all, the mental mindset of a good subbie is totally compatible with being a mother. Subbies (using your term) generally come out of a nurturing role. She is committed to tending to the needs of her Dom/me, just as she is committed to tending to the needs of her children. In the overall, there is little conflict here, And although there are times where you would need to become more of a Domme when disciplining your children, in the overall being a mother would seem to have a big submissive component to it.
And a good subbie just naturally sets a good example for her kids. A D/s couple who have a stable hierarchy, do not talk back to each other and are respectful to each other will effortlessly set a good parental example. Once again, being a good mother and a good sub are not mutually exclusive.
It is in the physical world where you will have to make some hard choices.
The first choice is the D/s protocol of your relationship – will it be high, low or no? And although it theoretically is the Dom’s choice, BDSM mythology goes out the window when kids are involved. So, both of you should discuss how you want to define your lifestyle. Will it be a high protocol relationship – where you always address your Dom/me as ‘Sir’, ‘Mistress’ or ‘Master’? (There seems to be no equivalent for female ‘Sir’) Or is it a low or no-protocol relationship. High protocol is really hard to maintain in front of kids. They are forever asking questions and mimicking your actions. So, unless you want them calling their male schoolmates “Sir,” you might think about some revisions in your protocol.
I personally was in a high protocol relationship where my slave had kids. Although she always addressed me as “Master,” she cleverly added the word “Blaster” to it whenever the children – or vanilla people – were around. ‘Master Blaster’ has a kind of innocent, cartoonish aspect to it that was a great disguise. Although this might be a clever solution for some, high protocol D/s around children is still next to impossible to maintain; keep this in mind when negotiating your hard limits.
The other physical aspect is your BDSM play space. If your kids are younger than eighteen, most people I have spoken to recommend the “outta” system. Keep it outta their view! If you have a home dungeon, lock it and keep the explanation consistent and simple. Keep all your BDSM toys secured – as you would sex toys. (Your bag might have both!) And do not forget the obvious – lock your bedroom door; if you take pictures of your BDSM play, DO NOT leave your cellphone around – especially if it is not password protected.
Of course, in a non-Covid world, you could keep your BDSM play exclusively in the dungeon (if there is one near you.) But until then, I hope these tips gave you some ideas on how to practice BDSM as a parent in 2021!
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.