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A Masochists Journey

August 5, 2021 By SafferMaster 4 Comments

sexy male Dominant with wooden paddle
via stock.adobe.com

Something happened this week during our High Protocol scene. For my collared Slut and I, this occurs  when she presents herself to be marked. We do this about once a week. I mark her with a heavy cane.  The number of strokes vary according to her desire. The rest of the week she has a maintenance  spanking during our daily play scenes. That is the context.  

We were talking (debriefing) after the scene, and she said that she found the marking sexually arousing.  This got me thinking about each of our transformations as sexual creatures since we started sceneing  together almost 3 years ago.  

For me the transformation to sensual sadist was not as big a step as it was for her to discover impact  play as arousing. I had explored being a disciplinarian and a cruel sadist at length before I met her and  had found, to my surprise, that pure sadism was not my preferred way of being. I had always wanted my  sadism to be wrapped up in my sexuality, and sadism without sex was pointless as far as I could tell. I needed more.  

For her the transformation was way more nuanced and more profound.  

Its best to tell the story of her transformation in the form of a narrative from the beginning. When we  first met, I saw her as a masochist. To wit, I had given her a task to do to test her obedience and her  masochist tendencies – I instructed her to fig herself with a stick of wet ginger and to masturbate while  doing so. She had 3 orgasms. Then she was required to meditate for a few minutes with the ginger  inserted. She had an out of body experience. I also learned that as an elite distance athlete she had a  lifelong experience with endorphins and being in a trance state.  

After a time, I invited her to put herself forward to be claimed. The claiming would involve her being  “marked inside and out”. I told her that I would piss in her ass and down her throat and that I would mark her with a cane.  

It took something to put herself forward in that context. She had chosen me to be her Dom and she  chose to kneel for me. She was courageous. She experienced the early period of our dynamic with some  fear and trepidation mixed with the excitement of being a claimed submissive, the sex was intoxicating  and new to her, and at the same time, she was having an ongoing conversation with herself, figuring out  how she was going to endure and cope with the experience of choosing a sadist as her Dom long term.  She is very competitive, and she was determined to win.  

During the early period of our dynamic, as a responsible sadist, I was trying to read her before, during  and after scenes, so that I could adjust the sadism to her experience as a masochist as lived. In that we  are in a 24/7 TPE, I had a lot of responsibility to make sure that “I didn’t break my toys”. I told her I  didn’t and she trusted that I would not. I had to be good to my word. For about 6 months, we used  different implements and I created many different scenes exploring many fetishes and kinks to see  where she and I were aligned, and how it felt. It was all new and a thrilling, exciting and scary experience  for her to be in this intense sexual inquiry at that stage of our relationship. We first related as kinksters  and as sexual creatures, and I had made the determination to make sure my partner and I were sexually  aligned. We talked a lot about what worked and what adjustments were needed to make things work,  and for a while, that was how we progressed the dynamic. Several months into our cohabitation, in  response to circumstances, I implemented a Daily Maintenance Spanking regime. This was a particularly important event in our dynamic. We learned a great deal, both about her masochism as a result of that  decision, and about my sadism and what it was that pleases me.  

“During this early phase of our dynamic, I had many stories and scenarios running through my  head as I attempted to make meaning of the impact play variations we were exploring. I liked  the idea of impact play as an endurance test of my will and obedience. As a service submissive, I  was determined to win this game. My internal dialogue included judgements that I should be  able to take 100+ strokes of a cane or any other implement my Daddy chose to use to mark his  property. However, I had little experience with most implements…especially within a 24/7 TPE  dynamic. Early on, I was fixated on the stingy pain of implements and how they distracted me  from being present versus enhancing my sexual experience. I was preoccupied with the pain. At  first, I discovered certain implements were not my favorite. I feared sharing that with my Daddy  as I didn’t want to disappoint him…a sadist. However, I was committed to creating no space  between us and so I began to share. What was so wonderful, is that he listened…he too was  searching for his sensual sadistic rhythm. I found that the heavy flogger was my favorite  implement and would crave it most of all. I knew that the cane would always be present as my  Daddy wanted his slut marked. I resigned myself to endure the cane as the trade-off was his  satisfaction and appreciation of his slut welcoming her marks. During this time of caning, I would  try to use various techniques to reframe the pain. I tried crushing the pain and diminishing it I my  mind’s eye. I would realize the caning as flagellations to pay for the pain I had bestowed upon  my children for divorcing their father. I would also use breath control to focus pain out of my  body on the exhale. All methods worked a bit, but were largely unsuccessful ongoingly. When  Daddy implemented the Daily Maintenance Spanking, I was both excited and a bit nervous. What  if I couldn’t take it? After the first week of daily spankings of 200-500 strokes with the heavy  flogger, I began to look forward to this intimate time. I felt myself relax into the flogging and  after about 100-200 strokes, I was warmed up and no longer would feel the strokes individually.  Instead, I began experiencing an energetic buzz throughout my body. My initial physical reaction  was a dripping wet pussy…often running down my legs. This would always be followed by  incredibly hot hot kinky sex with my Daddy. As time passed, I would comment that I could handle  more and more flogging. Basically, I would stretch my Daddy to flog me until his arm gave out.  Around this time, I proposed that 1000 strokes may be fun to attempt. This scene included my  Daddy tying me up in a bent over position with my hands and ankles bound together. He went to  work and got lost in his own Dom space. I too was lost in sub space and only requested to stop  after hitting our goal due to my legs falling asleep and fearing I would collapse.” – Lady Petra  

Mainly we learned after using several implements over time, that she responded best to the heavy  flogger, and to a steady rhythmic firm impact. We learned that after about 125 strokes she started to  experience orgasms as the spanking continued. We tested her tolerance to over 1200 strokes on one  occasion and only stopped because her arms and legs were falling asleep in the bondage. She loved the  experience. Since then, our daily maintenance spanking routine is implemented exclusively using the  heavy flogger and because we both find it so very arousing, we have ridiculously hot sex every single  time. The spanking is now inextricably wrapped into our sexuality. Her relationship with pain had evolved.  

That was a pivotal moment in her masochism. It was when she first started to experience herself as a  sensual masochist. Her experience with pain was something that we talked about a lot. And in fact, the  daily conversations we were having became the impetus of our podcast launch. 

I gave her a view to consider, that pain is an emotion and that its subject to interpretation. She became  clear through the daily spankings with the heavy flogger over time, that the notion rang true for her too.  Even so, the High Protocol scenes where marking occurred, the impact with the cane was more than she  could process at the moment.  

Over time, we explored different elements around caning her to see if we could find a path to make her  experience of being caned as sexually arousing for her as it was for me. We tried giving her a prolonged  warm-up and we tried taking more and also less time between strokes, but we were unable to alter her  overall experience of being caned, which at that time the intensity of being caned had the impact of pulling her out of subspace.  

Recently and quite by accident, we hit on a novel way to approach marking. I noticed one day that she  spontaneously asked to be marked in the middle of a scene. I mark her and then fuck her ass while she  recovers. One day, she randomly stated after being caned while I was fucking her ass … ”Mark me  Daddy”. First of all, I found the experience incredibly hot and very erotic. Second, she seemed to handle  the next cane stroke with ease. It occurred to me that instead of me trying to judge and assess her  status so as to manage her marking without breaking her spirit, she could just tell me what she was  actually dealing with and wanting at the moment. So, we talked about my need to mark her rather than  hurt her, and her desire to be my marked slut. We made the choice to give her the power to determine  how many marks she received after my initial stoke during a marking protocol scene.  

“When I first asked to be marked with the cane, I was deep in sub space and we had already  began the caning protocols. I was feeling so connected and aligned with my Daddy, that I felt his  caning was an expression of his desire and love for me. He cared enough to mark…ME! My love  for him overflowed and I heard myself say…”Mark me Daddy!” I was both aroused and shocked  at what I heard erupt from me. As I bared down reading myself for his mark, something  changed. He marked me and I remember saying to myself…”Wow…that wasn’t so bad.” The  pain seemed to dissipate quicker than usual too. That was the beginning…Daddy stated that  after my 1st cane stroke on marking days, I would then be given the power to request more  strokes. This was a game changer. Now I would request my strokes, which is a bit of a mind  fuck. But, as a switch, to give me power to request my strokes gave me access to experience my  caning in a new and enlightening way. I began to not dread my caning. I began cherishing my  marks as I felt part of the process. My Daddy’s insight truly led to my greater and more positive  experience with marking.” – Lady Petra 

This was a game changer for her. She suddenly started to relate to the pain of being caned with a  different context and mindset. She started to request many more strokes than she had previously  experienced. This was music to my ears. Hot sex became even hotter! Our kink experience was  dramatically enhanced by this simple choice. She could give up her fears around being caned and  contextualize the experience as “being marked by her choice”. As her Dom, I want her marked and as  my submissive she chooses to be my marked property. We are aligned.  

This brings us to what happened yesterday. After our High Protocol Scene, we were talking and she said  to me “I found the caning very arousing”.  

This revelation exploded in my mind as a line that we had been striving to cross, or a mountain peak we  were trying to summit had been achieved. The experience of flogging her led to a massive breakthrough in her experience with impact play and yesterday, the experience of caning has now resulted in a  massive breakthrough in her experience with caning.  

During the scene, which we begin with a hypnokink induction, I framed all our play in the context of an  “energy exchange”, including the caning, and I suggested to her that she experience the caning as a  massive transfer of energy, which it is ultimately.  

Whatever the catalyst, she had a new experience with the cane that left her more aroused by the  experience that she was at any time in the past.  

By the time she got caned during our High Protocol scene, she had already experienced multiple  orgasms, oral, anal and vaginal, and she had been flogged perhaps 500 times with two heavy floggers in  preparation. Despite that, she shared, after the experience, that at the time, she had a consideration  that she was not sufficiently warmed up and, in some ways, nor was she mentally prepared for the  marking to occur at that moment. Even so, her experience of the marking was, surprisingly, one of being  sexually aroused by the caning.  

“This new experience of feeling arousal during my marking occurred to me newly during this  most recent marking day. I found my caning bearable and was able to feel the energy move  through me and back to my Daddy. Not quite sure I fully understand how to replicate the  scenario, but I do think the suggestions relating to energy transfer with the caning helped me  reframe the experience. Our scenes have only been getting hotter and hotter. I feel closer to my  dominant more than any other person on earth. I think all combined, we have access to a door  to Nirvana that few experience. I am grateful to be on a path with such a sexy sensual sadistic  dominant who pulls and demands the masochist inside me to meet him toe-to-toe. He creates  me and I create him. We are only at the beginning, and I am excited to see where we will go  next!” – Lady Petra  

This is a big deal in our dynamic. I am not sure if its due to one reason or another, or if her experience  was created by several combined aspects of the experience. Probably the latter. What I know is that as a  sensual Dom, I wrap my sadism into my sexuality and now I have confidence that as a masochist, she  wraps her masochism into her sexuality, including our marking scenes, and it brings us closer together  and aligns us to an even more precise degree. We are now even more aligned than we were, and to a  degree that I thought impossible with another human being.  

From the start, I set out to sexualize our dynamic and to a large degree I have been successful. Naturally  this could not occur without Lady Petra’s full enrollment and participation. She is my 24/7 collared slut.  She is always prepared to serve me. And now, our journey has taken a turn as it does in the rabbit hole.  

We set out to explore our sexuality and to seek ever more fulfilling sexual encounters. Over the years,  the twists and turns in the rabbit hole have surprised us. We always say that if we take new actions, the  outcomes are unexpected.  

If I had told you 3 years ago that in 3 years, she would find caning arousing, you might have raised your  eyebrows if you had had a chance to interview her back then. But now, three years later her experience  of herself as a masochist has transformed. The crucible that this has occurred in is that over 1,000  iterations, we have distilled our sexual encounters down to a series of the most exciting, most erotic,  hottest actions and interactions from hypnokink, to impact play, to 3-hole penetration, to a give and take that keeps us both in a state of primal lust and now, because of her most recent experience, our  High Protocol Scene has become scalding hot.  

“I love a woman when she has abandoned her moral center and teachings…when she’s cast aside her façade of propriety and lady-like demeanor…when I have so corrupted this fragile thing  and brought out a writhing, mewing, bucking, wanton whore for my enjoyment and pleasure…enticing from within this feral lioness…growling and scratching and biting…taking  everything I dish out to her…at that moment she is never more beautiful to me except for when I  realize that I have now helped unleash a lioness into the world…”  

−Marquis de Sade  


SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, caning, dominant, fetish, impact play, kink, masochism, power exchange, sadist, sadomasochism, submissive, submissive headspace

This week in kink: January 18, 2021

January 17, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

This week Shireen Khalil writes about Sherry Lever, a 69 year old, thriving Dominatrix.

It’s true that age is just a number!

Click below to read more of Sherry’s riveting story!


BDSM has gotten more exposure over the years.

Whether you like the show or not, the Netflix show, Bonding is bringing BDSM and sex work more into the public eye.

With this being said, Showbiz CheatSheet, exposes the inner workings of this series.

Click below to find out more!

‘Bonding’: A Look at the True Story Behind Netflix’s Dominatrix Comedy

yahoo lifestyle! reports that BDSM is the most popular kink with folks over 60.

BDSM is definitely not reserved for the youngsters! Anyone and everyone is welcome!

Click below to read more about these intriguing findings!


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, consensual, consent, fetish, masochism, sadism, sado-masochist, sadomasochism, sex, Sex Work Community, sex worker rights, sex workers, sexual fantasy, sexual safety

Video: FIGGING: GINGER Anal Play For Masochists

January 3, 2021 By Kinky Assignments 2 Comments

Ever heard of figging?

Curious to know more?

Then, don’t miss this informative video all about the ins and outs of this intriguing type of BDSM anal play!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?

Tagged With: anal play, anal sex, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, bottom, figging, masochism, power exchange, sadomasochism, topping

How To Whip Yourself

November 14, 2020 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

sex toys
via stock.adobe.com

I frequently see questions about how to play by one’s self. In this day and age of plague, it’s particularly important to take care of our own needs. I have always been able to do so, not relying on a partner to give me the pleasures I like most.

This third self-play article will cover an easy impact technique anyone can use with a belt, flogger, and even a short single tail.

First, get a leather belt. If you don’t already have one in your play kit, you can get an inexpensive one from any decent clothing store. Target regularly has them for under twenty dollars. I have found beautifully broken in belts at thrift stores also. They clean up easily enough with soap and water and some shea butter or coconut oil for conditioner.

The length of the belt doesn’t really matter so long as it’s not too long. Something in the 30 to 36 inch range is fine. When folded over, it will be the perfect length.

Standing is a better position so you can swing freely and not smack the bed, chair or sofa. But on your knees on a bed works too.

Start off swinging around your ribs to your back. You may be surprised how much effort is needed to give yourself a good smack. It can be a pretty decent arm workout.

Then over your shoulders. The movies make it look so easy, don’t they?  

Inner thighs are right there. Buttocks, back of thighs. Varying the speed changes up the force of impact.

A broken-in belt is easier than a new one, but a new one will be broken in after a few sessions. A studded belt adds another degree of intensity. Some people I know have liked to use the buckle end rather than the leather in the middle. Give it a try; see if you agree.

A game I have played:

Sit down to watch a show on regular television. Commercial comes on, pick up the belt and beat yourself with it until the show comes back. Sit back, watch the show. Commercial comes on, pick up the belt and beat yourself with it. The resting between lets the endorphins come forward into a delicious high – for me, at least. The high is my goal in the first place.

By the 45 minute mark, commercials created an almost Pavlovian response in me.

You can create your own games, such as “1 strike every time someone on a show says the word “the” or “and”, or says a particular character’s name. Then give yourself that many strikes at the next commercial break, or wait and add them all up when the show is over.

All of these things can be done with a short flogger also. Something fifteen to eighteen inches overall length will do. It needs to be hefty enough that the falls have impact. Too long and too thin is difficult to throw over one’s own shoulder and get the impact desired. Shorter is easier to control and strike where you want.

Guess what? You can use a short whip too! I bought a pair of mini snake whips from Highland Whip Design (Instagram – HighlandWhipDesign; Fetlife — https://fetlife.com/users/7280606) and they can absolutely be used to whip one’s self using the same around the ribs and over the shoulder techniques. In fact, while he was finishing them, I asked him if it would reach well for that and he did it on himself to confirm that, yes, absolutely, these will whip one’s own back.

Between these two how-to articles, you have four different implements you can use almost all over on your body. Start with the flogger for warming up. Move on to the belt and then the wooden spoon. Conclude with the whip for that final sharp sting. Hours of self-play are at your fingertips. 

If you aren’t too hard on yourself, you can do this every day if you want.

——–

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over 25 fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, canes, crops, fetish, flogging, impact play, kink, masochism, pleasure, power exchange, sadism, sadomasochism, scene, scene partner, self bondage, self masturbation, sex, whips

How To Use A Wooden Spoon On Yourself

November 7, 2020 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

sexy power exchange couple, submissive blindfolded
via stock.adobe.com

I frequently see questions about how to play by one’s self. In this day and age of plague, it’s particularly important to take care of our own needs. I have always been able to do so, not relying on a partner to give me the pleasures I like most.

This second self-play article will cover an easy impact technique anyone can use. 

First, get a wooden spoon from the kitchen if you don’t already have one in your play kit. 

Sitting upright is easiest for reaching most of the body. Start wherever you like. I’ll describe an easy sequence that starts with the inner thighs.

Experiment with how to hold the spoon. Tight isn’t always the most advantageous. If you hold it loosely and allow the spoon to swing an arc of several inches, you’ll get more pain out of its inertia than the strength of your arm.

I don’t do one hard whap at a time. I let it swing and strike over and over and over, rapidly but with moderate force. This builds up the stinging sensation. When I get a hit that is at my upper range, I move to the other thigh. 

Ranging to the outside of the thigh changes the sensation significantly. The outer is used to be rubbed against clothing. The inner is more sensitive.

Moving up the belly, yes you can strike on the belly. You’re not going to hit hard enough to do any damage. Up to the breasts/pectorals. Men may find they really enjoy impact to the chest.

You can reach over your shoulders as well, to your upper back. Leaning to one side, you can strike your own buttocks and down the length of the back of your thigh. Lean the other direction to get the other side.

You can turn the spoon around and hold the scoop and use the stick end to strike. This changes both the impact sensation and the concentration of pain.

If you find yourself aroused, get a dildo or jack yourself as you would during any other masturbatory session.

I’ve given myself quite a lot of pain stimulation. A great deal of pleasure. I’ve almost never given myself bruises. Bruises have never been the point of my self-play. Any redness has always been gone within a couple hours.

Self-play isn’t necessarily about getting your extreme pain needs met. To me, it’s about obtaining my perfect level of pleasure; getting myself off; satisfying my immediate arousal.


TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over 25 fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, impact play, kink, masochism, power exchange, sadism, sado-masochist, sadomasochism

Some Sadist Reassurance

November 1, 2020 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

sexy male Dominant with wooden paddle
via stock.adobe.com

This article is for all you fellow sadists out there. All of us who love to cause pain to others. Who bite our lip as we watch someone’s toes curl, face wince, tears run. Those of us who enjoy the screaming, begging and moaning of our partners.

This article is for all you fellow sadists who carefully plan your scenes. Who learn our partner’s limits and play just on the right side of them. Those of us who like to scare people when we haven’t even touched them…yet!

But above all this article is for you fellow sadists who have doubts, insecurities. Who have wondered if there was something wrong with us because of what we enjoy. Those of us who have questioned ourselves and if our kinks are okay.

Most of us learnt what sadism was long before we learnt about kink, and we learnt sadism was a negative thing; sadism is cruel, wicked, hateful even. To be a sadist is to derive sexual pleasure from the pain, suffering and humiliation of others. Most of us are raised to understand that to do any of these things to another person is a bad thing, and can only ever be a bad thing. There was no provision made for the possibility of a sexual, consensual connotation to sadism when we were learning about right and wrong.

Throughout our lives we develop our sexual identity: new kinks grow, old kinks fade, we lust for more types of play, we relax into roles, but rarely are we static in our kink identity.

I began exploring my kinks in my early 20’s. At first, as with most people, it was all about exploring, discovering what I enjoyed, and what various partners also enjoyed. Often there were just two of us involved. Two consenting adults exploring mentally and physically what we could derive pleasure from. This was relatively straightforward. I enjoyed tying people up, so I found people who enjoyed being tied up, simple! 

Bondage seemed simple, I would restrain someone in some way, and then do something pleasurable to them. However, it then became complicated by those partners who wanted pain mixed with their pleasure. What made it even more difficult was the fact that I found myself enjoying causing that pain! 

Suddenly I discovered that when I was causing someone pain a third person entered the room.

I discovered this third person quite by accident while exploring my sadism. I would be playing with someone, we would be exploring an element of sadism and often they would be asking for more. I would be wanting to do more, but then the third person would butt in and throw questions at me!

“Are you sure she is actually enjoying it?”

“What if you hit too hard, or in the wrong place?”

“Is it really okay to enjoy this?”

“Should she be enjoying this, maybe there is something wrong with her and I am taking advantage?”

This third person gave voice to all the insecurities of someone new to the responsibilities of being a top. It was the voice of someone who had not been educated about the nuances of consent. It was the voice of my other self, the one that doubted me and even judged me.

At first I was angered by these intrusions. They interrupted my flow, made me second guess not just myself but also my partners. I wanted to ignore it, but the more I tried to ignore it the louder this third person got. 

After ignoring it didn’t work I realised I had to engage with it and that is when I learnt the most important lesson: This voice can work for us, or against us.

We do want to approach sadism gently, for our sake and for the sake of others. When we first start to walk we are prone to falling over, it is the gate at the stairs, the hand that catches us, the sofa we cling on to, all of these are the things that stop us from hurting ourselves too much when we first start. We take things slowly because we are made to, we don’t know any better yet.

That voice, that third person, is a caring voice, it is encouraging us to stay safe, and by extension keep safe those who we are with. We do not need to treat it as an antagonist but there comes a time when we do have to be firm with it.

There is a time when we can walk, run, dance and the stair gate is now just in our way, the hand that once caught us is holding us back. We need to be able to turn to that third person and recognise that it has helped us, it has kept us from hurting ourselves, but in a firm voice we have to declare that we have outgrown it.

We can only be comfortable with who we are when we are able to reconcile with that voice, to tame it and take it inside. Let it become caution, not doubt, let it be experience, not questioning. 

Grow with your third voice, learn from it, but also take control of it.

Sadism is not bad, hurting people is not bad, causing someone to scream is not bad, when we do it with fellow consenting adults! That is the mantra that eventually tamed my third voice. Everytime the old questions would come up I could now answer them.

“Are you sure she is actually enjoying it?”

Yes. I trust the person I am playing with, I trust that they have told me the truth. I know we went through her Yes/No/Maybe list.

“What if you hit too hard, or in the wrong place?”

Then I will apologise, I will make sure she is okay and I will try to be more careful. I will also practice more so that I don’t make the same mistake.

“Is it really okay to enjoy this?”

Yes. I am an adult playing with another adult. My responsibility is to us, and only us. I don’t need to justify what I enjoy to any outside element. 

“Should she be enjoying this, maybe there is something wrong with her and I am taking advantage?”

No, I am not taking advantage. We have sought each other out because of a common interest and the fact that we reflect each other’s kinks.

I had to learn the answers to these questions and practice answering them every time they came up. Until the third person piped up less often, and finally not at all. 

Satisfying that third person is what can let us focus on what is really important when being a sadist; the two people in the scene, you and your partner. Those questions are no longer a distraction, we know the answers and give them before the voice can even ask. The questions have become part of the mental checklist of care that we run through proactively before a scene. 

We don’t fight the voice, rather we find what is valuable in it and make it a positive thing for us and our partners. 

I am now grateful for the voice that expressed all those concerns. In fact I would be more concerned if I didn’t have them at the beginning. The fact that I had those doubts, those worries, reassures me if I ever think that having morals, caring about people, wanting good things for others, is incompatible with being a sadist. 

I do not need to be perfect to be a good sadist, and I don’t need to be perfect to be a good person. I am imperfect and have lots to learn, but I have learnt that I can be a sadist and a good person. 

So back to you my fellow sadists, you are good people who do “bad” things with others, and they love us for it. Be “bad, be “cruel”, be “wicked” and then give your play partner a great big hug after and feel good about it.


Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

Tagged With: bdsm, communication, consent, fetish, impact play, kink, masochism, power exchange, sadism

The Emotional Side Of Masochism

September 26, 2020 By Joji Sada 3 Comments

sexy male Dominant with wooden paddle
via stock.adobe.com

I am an emotional masochist.

I want to break down the negative connotations to what my statement means.

Traditionally, emotional masochists are those who feel unworthy of respect.  They tend to find themselves in situations that are toxically abusive because they feel they deserve it.  It has been said that there are some who crave the abuse they receive.  Whether this is a conscious or unconscious desire, it is often all they know.

Growing up, and into my early twenties, I was one of those individuals.  I went out of my way for people who would rather spit on me then speak a kind word.  I challenged my own ethics and morals because someone wanted something and “a good friend would help them.”  I’ve used the façade of laughter to cover the cracks in my self-esteem because if those I call friends don’t respect me, why would anyone else?

I come from a loving family.  I was not abused growing up.  However, I was deeply insecure and the pressure to be perfect was often overwhelming.  And I made mistakes that took me years to be comfortable enough to talk about.  I skipped eating and restricted my food to the point that I now suffer from constant stomach issues.  I carved my pain into my skin and the words of my insecurities are still visible to this day.  I controlled my emotions to the point that I can, and have, physically disconnect/short circuit my connections to people.  

These were decisions that bled heavily into my relationships.  And it defined the development of my BDSM.  I did not understand negotiating because my needs/wants don’t matter.  I did not understand communication because if they were angry it must mean they didn’t love me.  I didn’t understand that having an opinion did not make me a bad partner.  I didn’t understand jealousy because any attention my partner showed me “should be enough.”

Essentially, I did not understand BDSM.

So, I connected to what I did understand.  I could learn the proper poses for a submissive.  I could learn the expectations of a Dominant.  I could be of service.  

After all, no one throws out something useful.

I spent most of my life pleasing others with little regard for myself.  Even now, I struggle with the idea that I need to take care of myself with as much care as I do my partners.

With what I’ve told you, it makes it hard to believe that I am proud to be an emotional masochist.

What I have learned first and foremost, I can be whatever I want to be.

I can change the things I don’t like.

So, I’ve changed the definition of emotional masochism.


Masochist: Someone who derives pleasure from physical pain, with or without the involvement of sex.

Emotional Masochist: Someone who derives pleasure from deeply emotional play, such as through means of humiliation, degradation, fear, or consensual non-consent.


I should specify that I do love a good beating.  I enjoy the use of a variety of toys used upon my person at a varying degree of intensity.  I enjoy pushing my limits and my body from time to time.  I enjoy enticing my Sadist into staying creative and keeping me guessing.

But I love being mind-fucked more.

These are the moments that leave me feeling like I’ve run a marathon without ever getting up from my knees.  

I find humiliation to be a liberating experience.  Outside of my dynamic, I refuse to allow anyone to treat me in such a way.  Often, in the vanilla world, humiliation is done maliciously.  In our world, it is done with care and understanding.

I can face the demons that haunt me.  I can seal the cracks in my self-esteem.  I can be strong and weak at the same time.  I can cry my frustration out.  I can growl in anger and defiance without disrespect.  I can bare my soul and explore the parts of me I’ve been told should never see daylight.

I can proudly identify as a submissive, a masochist (physically and emotionally), and a piggie.

I cannot change the years of emotional chaos I put up with long ago.  I cannot change the individuals who whole-heartedly took advantage of me with no remorse.  I cannot change what I allowed to happen.

So, instead, I have chosen to grow from it.  I have chosen to challenge it.  I have chosen to revel in it.

And I am proudly an emotional masochist.


My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tagged With: bdsm, canes, fetish, impact play, kink, masochism, paddle, power exchange, sadism, sex, toys, whips

Body Mods and Suspensions

November 13, 2017 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

needle

From time to time, I will answer questions that I think are important to answer. Here is one of them:

“I am a newbie and recently went to the Folsom Street Fair. I saw a group of “performers” doing all sorts of body pain-related acts — like stapling things to themselves, putting needles through their cheeks and flesh hook suspensions. But it made me wonder: What does this have to do with BDSM?”

I asked a similar question at my first play party years ago. A male Dom was doing an edge play scene with two female submissives. Not only did he do needle play, but he also did insertions with huge dildos, stapling and sensory deprivation. It was quite an incredible scene. I was introduced to the Dom and said, “You just blew my mind with your two slaves.” He replied, “Thanks, but they are not my slaves.” What I learned was that there is no implied connectivity in our lifestyle. There is no compulsory linkage.

A further example, which will be very close to your Folsom observation, has to do with suspensions. Just because a person is suspended by flesh hooks does not mean that person is submissive – or even into the BDSM lifestyle. From an observational point of view, it sure looks like the person on the hooks is bottoming. But, looks can be deceiving; the “suspendee” can be directing the whole scene. He/she could be the Top. Most likely, the subject is a masochist. Thus, likely there is some connection to S&M — Sadism and Masochism — the S&M in the BDSM acronym. But this does not have to always be the case. The “suspendee” can just be a thrill seeker whose connection to S&M and/or the BDSM world is tenuous at best.

Therefore, the answer to your question, “Does this have anything to do with BDSM?” is that it might or might not. (I feel like a politician with this answer!) Which leads to a natural digression that can be of assistance — don’t assume anything in this lifestyle. If you see a person at a dungeon dressed like a textbook Domina, do not assume she is a Domme. Ask. You can respectfully ask just about any question to a fellow lifestyler. Other than approaching a collared submissive without the permission of his/her Master or Mistress, no question is off limits. This is not your local bar, where asking “Are you into fisting” might get you slapped. Or looked at like a nut. Or finding a fisting partner! (You rolls the dice, you takes your chances in the vanilla world. Sometimes they are not vanilla, but unvanilla!)

You are lucky to have attended, for your introduction into BDSM, San Francisco’s famed Folsom Street Fair. Here, the rules of public display are loosened; even the police look the other way at the crazy outrageousness. Venues like Folsom, where we can show off many BDSM-oriented activities, give us the opportunity to see many varied aspects of the lifestyle.

I might add one observation regarding Folsom. Bondage, despite all the efforts of Kink Weekly, its contributors and Folsom to portray us as “safe, sane and consensual,” we still carry a stigma to the world at large. Whenever some nut imprisons a victim in a basement, it is invariably described as a “dungeon” by the media. When I tell a stranger that I am into bondage, the response is often, “So you beat your girlfriend?” Recently the “beat your wife” response has become a bit less common – but with the latest spate of sexual assault charges dominating the media, expect these types of misconceptions to continue. Hopefully, over time, this will change.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: bdsm, edge play, flesh hooks, hooks, masochism, needles, sadism, sensory deprivation, staples

A Masochist is Not Necessarily a Submissive

September 13, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

Photo by www.viceerotica.com
Photo by www.viceerotica.com

“A masochist is not necessarily a submissive; a sadist is not necessarily a Dom.”

Perhaps no other words evoke such debate about our lifestyle as “sadist” and “masochist.” And before the (in this case, positive) influence of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” anytime one said they were into BDSM, the usual vanilla retort was, “So, you beat your partner.” Sadism, until recently, seems to have trumped all other perceptions of our world. Still, no matter how you soft peddle it, “sadism” and “masochism” are part of BDSM. After all, they are the “S” and the “M” in our lifestyle-descriptive acronym.

Before we examine the role of sadism and masochism in the D/s dynamic, let’s briefly define the two terms. (As if you didn’t already know this!)

Sadism is defined as sexual pleasure or gratification derived from the infliction of pain upon another person. Masochism is defined as sexual pleasure or gratification derived from having pain inflicted upon oneself.
Sadism and masochism usually go hand-in-hand because, duh!, a sadist needs a masochist; it is the basis of S&M or sadomasochism. Until the more wide-ranging acronym of BDSM was adapted, the term S&M was the popular way to label our lifestyle.
We have often stated, in previous kinkweekly.com articles, that the key to finding a D/s partner is to look for someone who has Dominant or submissive needs similar to your own. However, many people, especially newbies, mistake a masochist for a submissive. Nothing could be farther from the truth. A masochist needs pain for his/her gratification. But, the masochist might not have the slightest need to submit in any way, shape or form – other than in the narrow sense of bottoming for a sadistic Top. When one sees an S&M couple playing in a dungeon, it is easy to assume that the masochist is the sadist’s slave or submissive. It sure looks like that. But, it could just as easily be a temporary intersection of needs rather than a true exchange of power. The same could hold true for the psychological masochist who craves humiliation; there need not be an overall Dom/sub dynamic in this coupling. As stated in the introduction, a masochist is not necessarily a submissive, nor is a sadist necessarily a Dom/me.

This distinction is critical if you are a Dominant looking for a submissive, or vice versa. You should first ascertain whether your potential submissive is looking for a Dom/me or is just searching for some masochistic thrills. Thus, your first question should be, “Are you looking for a Dominant?” rather than, “Are you into pain?”

In my opinion, the purpose of your initial negotiations should be to find out if you are on the same page D/s-wise. Is it a Dom/sub relationship you both seek or is it a sado-masochistic play relationship you want? You should not assume that just because a masochist is willing to “submit” to you in play, that he/she can submit to you in a larger context. He/she might or might not. Do not assume.

Once you establish that the person is desirous of a D/s relationship, then you can quantify the S&M aspects of your partner. You can ask him/her whether he/she is into light or heavy pain and what he/she thinks the role of pain is in his/her BDSM life. Interview, ask and negotiate.

The sado-masochistic interaction is one of the most intense experiences in our lifestyle. It can be a basis of a very bonding relationship. But, it exists on its own terms. It does not necessarily imply an overall power exchange.

Once you understand that the sado-masochistic interaction can be a stand-alone affair, you can see where you are on the D/s continuum and judge any prospective partners accordingly. After all, the more you know about the other person, and the less you assume, the more likely you will find your perfect partner.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: masochism, masochist, sado-masochist

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