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The Emotional Side Of Masochism

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I am an emotional masochist.

I want to break down the negative connotations to what my statement means.

Traditionally, emotional masochists are those who feel unworthy of respect.  They tend to find themselves in situations that are toxically abusive because they feel they deserve it.  It has been said that there are some who crave the abuse they receive.  Whether this is a conscious or unconscious desire, it is often all they know.

Growing up, and into my early twenties, I was one of those individuals.  I went out of my way for people who would rather spit on me then speak a kind word.  I challenged my own ethics and morals because someone wanted something and “a good friend would help them.”  I’ve used the façade of laughter to cover the cracks in my self-esteem because if those I call friends don’t respect me, why would anyone else?

I come from a loving family.  I was not abused growing up.  However, I was deeply insecure and the pressure to be perfect was often overwhelming.  And I made mistakes that took me years to be comfortable enough to talk about.  I skipped eating and restricted my food to the point that I now suffer from constant stomach issues.  I carved my pain into my skin and the words of my insecurities are still visible to this day.  I controlled my emotions to the point that I can, and have, physically disconnect/short circuit my connections to people.  

These were decisions that bled heavily into my relationships.  And it defined the development of my BDSM.  I did not understand negotiating because my needs/wants don’t matter.  I did not understand communication because if they were angry it must mean they didn’t love me.  I didn’t understand that having an opinion did not make me a bad partner.  I didn’t understand jealousy because any attention my partner showed me “should be enough.”

Essentially, I did not understand BDSM.

So, I connected to what I did understand.  I could learn the proper poses for a submissive.  I could learn the expectations of a Dominant.  I could be of service.  

After all, no one throws out something useful.

I spent most of my life pleasing others with little regard for myself.  Even now, I struggle with the idea that I need to take care of myself with as much care as I do my partners.

With what I’ve told you, it makes it hard to believe that I am proud to be an emotional masochist.

What I have learned first and foremost, I can be whatever I want to be.

I can change the things I don’t like.

So, I’ve changed the definition of emotional masochism.

Masochist: Someone who derives pleasure from physical pain, with or without the involvement of sex.

Emotional Masochist: Someone who derives pleasure from deeply emotional play, such as through means of humiliation, degradation, fear, or consensual non-consent.

I should specify that I do love a good beating.  I enjoy the use of a variety of toys used upon my person at a varying degree of intensity.  I enjoy pushing my limits and my body from time to time.  I enjoy enticing my Sadist into staying creative and keeping me guessing.

But I love being mind-fucked more.

These are the moments that leave me feeling like I’ve run a marathon without ever getting up from my knees.  

I find humiliation to be a liberating experience.  Outside of my dynamic, I refuse to allow anyone to treat me in such a way.  Often, in the vanilla world, humiliation is done maliciously.  In our world, it is done with care and understanding.

I can face the demons that haunt me.  I can seal the cracks in my self-esteem.  I can be strong and weak at the same time.  I can cry my frustration out.  I can growl in anger and defiance without disrespect.  I can bare my soul and explore the parts of me I’ve been told should never see daylight.

I can proudly identify as a submissive, a masochist (physically and emotionally), and a piggie.

I cannot change the years of emotional chaos I put up with long ago.  I cannot change the individuals who whole-heartedly took advantage of me with no remorse.  I cannot change what I allowed to happen.

So, instead, I have chosen to grow from it.  I have chosen to challenge it.  I have chosen to revel in it.

And I am proudly an emotional masochist.

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Body Mods and Suspensions

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needle

From time to time, I will answer questions that I think are important to answer. Here is one of them:

“I am a newbie and recently went to the Folsom Street Fair. I saw a group of “performers” doing all sorts of body pain-related acts — like stapling things to themselves, putting needles through their cheeks and flesh hook suspensions. But it made me wonder: What does this have to do with BDSM?”

I asked a similar question at my first play party years ago. A male Dom was doing an edge play scene with two female submissives. Not only did he do needle play, but he also did insertions with huge dildos, stapling and sensory deprivation. It was quite an incredible scene. I was introduced to the Dom and said, “You just blew my mind with your two slaves.” He replied, “Thanks, but they are not my slaves.” What I learned was that there is no implied connectivity in our lifestyle. There is no compulsory linkage.

A further example, which will be very close to your Folsom observation, has to do with suspensions. Just because a person is suspended by flesh hooks does not mean that person is submissive – or even into the BDSM lifestyle. From an observational point of view, it sure looks like the person on the hooks is bottoming. But, looks can be deceiving; the “suspendee” can be directing the whole scene. He/she could be the Top. Most likely, the subject is a masochist. Thus, likely there is some connection to S&M — Sadism and Masochism — the S&M in the BDSM acronym. But this does not have to always be the case. The “suspendee” can just be a thrill seeker whose connection to S&M and/or the BDSM world is tenuous at best.

Therefore, the answer to your question, “Does this have anything to do with BDSM?” is that it might or might not. (I feel like a politician with this answer!) Which leads to a natural digression that can be of assistance — don’t assume anything in this lifestyle. If you see a person at a dungeon dressed like a textbook Domina, do not assume she is a Domme. Ask. You can respectfully ask just about any question to a fellow lifestyler. Other than approaching a collared submissive without the permission of his/her Master or Mistress, no question is off limits. This is not your local bar, where asking “Are you into fisting” might get you slapped. Or looked at like a nut. Or finding a fisting partner! (You rolls the dice, you takes your chances in the vanilla world. Sometimes they are not vanilla, but unvanilla!)

You are lucky to have attended, for your introduction into BDSM, San Francisco’s famed Folsom Street Fair. Here, the rules of public display are loosened; even the police look the other way at the crazy outrageousness. Venues like Folsom, where we can show off many BDSM-oriented activities, give us the opportunity to see many varied aspects of the lifestyle.

I might add one observation regarding Folsom. Bondage, despite all the efforts of Kink Weekly, its contributors and Folsom to portray us as “safe, sane and consensual,” we still carry a stigma to the world at large. Whenever some nut imprisons a victim in a basement, it is invariably described as a “dungeon” by the media. When I tell a stranger that I am into bondage, the response is often, “So you beat your girlfriend?” Recently the “beat your wife” response has become a bit less common – but with the latest spate of sexual assault charges dominating the media, expect these types of misconceptions to continue. Hopefully, over time, this will change.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.