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power dynamic

How “Total” Power Exchange Is Manifested

October 13, 2021 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

There’s been a lot of yammering about the “total” part of total power exchange, and a lot of “whatabout” ism as people try to prove that total isn’t total at all.

People seem to think that the “total” in TPE means the dom is making every single decision every single minute of the day, and those decisions are all about the extremes of life and death matters. They seem to think decisions made must be to the detriment of the sub/slave half of the dynamic.

What they fail to see is that it also means the sub/slave is doing what the dom wants without having to constantly ask for a decision or be threatened with punishment. TPE requires obedience on the part of the sub/slave. If the sub/slave won’t obey, there is no power exchange. Disobedience/noncompliance is keeping control. Obedience/compliance gives control.

The dom/master/owner gives the rules and the sub/slave/property obeys them. That’s the power. It’s not about the teeniest little thing being dictated. It’s about doing things how the dom wants them to be without pitching a bitch about it every single time. It’s knowing “this” is what they want…and fulfilling their wishes.

You know he doesn’t like rye bread. So you don’t make his lunch with rye bread. Do you have to be told a thousand times that he doesn’t like rye bread? No. He told you once and you remember. You can buy it for yourself if you want, unless he decrees he doesn’t want it in the house. If he doesn’t want it in the house, don’t fucking buy it.

THAT is the T in TPE.

EW decided once that I was not to address anyone by any title. His decision was final. I abided by that decision regardless who didn’t like it. When there came a time that someone had earned my respect (Lon_RM, who I have come to regard as the father I wish I’d had) that I wanted to use the title in his name (MasterLon, at that point), I went to EW and explained. He agreed and the exception was made. The rule was NOT changed for anyone else.

It was EW’s decision to make the exception. There was another time when I had asked for an exception and he’d said no. I abided by that decision, whether I liked it or not. That is total power.

I asked EW to flog me long enough that I naturally fell asleep. He refused. I had to abide by that decision, because he would never relent and I was not to ask again. I had nothing to say about his decision. I was not given the luxury of an opinion on the matter. That is total power.

There was a night he’d forgotten his keys. He was already in Manhattan and did not have the time to travel half an hour back home and half an hour into work again. I had a full plate of food in front of me. A delicious corned beef supper. I had to put that supper in the fridge, get my shoes on, and take him his keys. There was no option for me to say “after I eat”. It had to be now because Master needed it NOW. There wasn’t a single second of complaint about it from me. This was my job as his sub: To do as he required. Period. He had that total power to command. An hour and a half later (because waiting for trains and walking blocks through neighborhood), I was back home and finally able to eat my supper at 9 o’clock at night.

Having “total” power also means having discretion over when to exert their will and when not to.

He knew he could insert his own ideas into my books. He could use that power if he wanted. He chose never to tell me what to write or how. He felt it would not be appropriate. That is discretion.

He could have told me what kinds of leather goods to make. He could have told me never to use skulls or upside down crosses if he wanted. He chose never to tell me what to make or how to make it. That is discretion. He did, however, greatly enjoy prototype day, and some of my innovations. He particularly liked the 3-sided, meatier handles.

He could have bent me over and fucked me during the most painful days of my period if he wanted. He chose mercy, and would sometimes jerk off onto my tits instead. All I had to do was kneel or sit there and hold my tits up. He chose not to cause me more pain and discomfort. He chose discretion.

There was a time we discussed a piercing or tattoo to mark me as his. Then he worked a season with the Freak Show from Coney Island hanging in Blood Manor. He came home one morning and declared that he would never get me pierced or tattooed. Ever. Didn’t matter if I wanted the piercing or tattoo. He had decided, and the matter was at his discretion in the first place. When the time came that I wanted a simple tattoo as research for a book, he allowed it because it was for my own reasons and not something marking me as his. When I asked, months later, if I could get it finished, he said no. I did not sneak out behind his back to get the tattoo finished. Because total power exchange.

He chose to allow me to learn to top others. He could have put a stop to it at any time. In the last couple years of our relationship, he let me go to spanking parties and receive. But there were rules for both. I could not touch the genitals of anyone. No one could touch my genitals. There was no kissing. No mouths touched me and my mouth touched no one. This was completely within his power to permit or refuse at any time, any party. Even if I was about to walk out the door, he could have told me to stay home and I would have had to obey. Because total…and at his discretion.

I didn’t ever intentionally disobey him on trivial things or for trivial reasons. He knew anything I did that was contrary to what he might have wanted was a “rock/hard place” moment and I made the best decision I could…in good faith.

Not once was his “power” diminished by any of his decisions. He chose when how to use his authority and exert himself…and chose when not. He made what he felt was the correct decision in the moment.

And I didn’t turn every decision into a battle in order to have my way. Pissing and moaning over every decision, undermining every decision or overriding them and doing whatever the fuck I wanted, would have undermined the entire TPE dynamic. It would not have been “total”.

TPE meant he decided and I abided. Period.


TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written four “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty eight fiction books. She’s been doing this bdsm stuff for 34 years and lived TPE relationships for 31 years.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting, diamond painting, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, dominant, fetish, kink, power dynamic, power exchange, submisison, submissive headspace

This week in kink: September 20, 2021

September 16, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Learn about a leather event put on by a Berlin church!

Click below to find out more from PinkNews!

Berlin church worships leather fetish with inclusive, kink-positive celebration

Learn about a Pro Domme’s experience with financial domination and humiliation from the District Chronicles!

Click below to learn more!

I’m a financial dominatrix – men get aroused from losing control of their finances and I get to make more than $100K

Discover the best Craig’s List dating and hook up alternatives from HeraldNet!

Click below to read more!

Best Craigslist Personals Alternatives: 18 New Craigslist Personals Alternatives for Dating, Free Hookups, and Much More in 2021

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, dominant, dominatrix, fetish, kink, leather, Leather Community, power dynamic, submissive, submissive headspace

Submit To The Person

July 8, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Today, I’m thinking about a tendency among many submissives, to think of a dominant as the entire person, rather than as a dynamic in a relationship with a person. You’ll hear them say, “I’m looking for ‘A  Dominant’”, “Why can’t I find more ‘Dominants’?”, “I’m A Submissive, I need A Dominant”. It is as if the  person is defined solely by their preference when it comes to power dynamics. The notion is that ‘A  Dominant’ is what a person is…when, in reality, a person ‘is’ a lot of things – including being a dominant in their relationships. 

From my perspective as a dominant woman, I see this predominantly from male submissives (but it is  certainly not limited to a specific gender). Very often, they approach women, looking for ‘A Dominant’ without any consideration for who the woman really is. Worse, they have often already defined what ‘A  Dominant’ is, and are looking for it, exclusively. The ‘Dominant’ is viewed as a collective object – predictable based solely on their preference for “dominance” – and consistent from person to person  (as long as they “know how to dominate”). Any dominant will do, because they are believed to be interchangeable. Of course, since that’s not true, this often can create serious issues with the relationship. 

This viewpoint manifests itself in several common ways: Many submissives have a predetermined view  of what ‘a dominant’ does; how they act; their attitude; their dress – and don’t see a person as dominant  unless they meet those criteria. Or, they may discover that they don’t have compatibility with a  dominant from a relationship perspective, even though they’ve had compatibility in kink. Or, they may  not recognize dominance, if it doesn’t match the femininely-styled masculine image of a dominant. 

I’ve discussed this last point before; the notion that dominance equatesto masculinity – and therefore,  female dominance is thought of as a femininely-stylized imitation of masculinity. In my previous articles,  I’ve pointed out that the porn-imagery of the female dominant shows women as ‘penetrators’ with  strap-ons, in biker leathers (stylized), and having the heels of their boots (stylized jack boots) sucked  ‘like a cock’. The notion that someone who doesn’t prefer traditionally masculine qualities (e.g.,  aggression, anger, micro-management, competitiveness, desire to overpower, etc.) is not ‘allowed’ in  that imagery of dominance. 

Relationships are a complex collection of traits, personalities, and dynamics. Power dynamics are just  one of many dynamics that may exist in a relationship. The person who is the dominant has many other  facets totheir personalities – most having absolutely nothing to do with power dynamics. If you enter a  relationship with a person, solely based on one dynamic or attribute, you are destined to encounter  problems and potentially dissolution of the relationship. For example, people who have entered  relationships because “the sex was so good”, have experienced the same types of issues. Folks doing the  same for power dynamics likely are headed for similar negative outcomes. 

The key here, is to submit to the person, not to their role in a dynamic. If you’re thinking something  longer-termed than sharing a scenario, dedicating yourself in service to someone is a serious  commitment. There needs to be something about that PERSON that makes you want to submit to them. 

Something more than their gender and that they identify as dominant. You are submitting to the entire  person, who they are, not just what role they prefer to play. You must get to know who they are to be  able to establish a relationship based on more than power dynamics. Only then can you customize your  submission to mold and serve the full person.  

The next time you feel like engaging with someone who identifies as ‘dominant’, try to identify what it is  about that unique person that is drawing you to serve them. If it’s nothing more than their gender and  preference for dominance, slow down, get to know who they really are, and then THEN make the decision to submit! 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm relationship, contracts, dominant, power dynamic, protocols, rituals, submissive, submissive headspace, submissive training

Scenes For New Doms With Experienced Submissives

July 8, 2021 By Evie Lupine 2 Comments

Identify as a D-type?

New to the scene?

Want to know how to play safely?

Then, check out this amazing video from the fabulous Evie Lupine!

Scenes for New Doms with Experienced Submissives

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, dominant, fetish, kink, power dynamic, submissive

This week in kink: July 5, 2021

July 5, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Learn about the spicy Locked Down sex position from The Sun!

Click below to find out more!


Discover the inner workings of a Domme and her sub!

Click below to read more from Lovin Malta!

‘Always Address Me As Mistress’: A Peek Into The Life Of A Professional Maltese Dominatrix And Her Sub

Uncover the police station turned fetish club with WalesOnline!

Click below to read more!


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, dominant, dominatrix, dungeons, fetish, fetish community, kink, london fetish club, power dynamic, power exchange, sex, sexual expression, sexual fantasy, sexual freedom, sexual safety, submissive

Living in a 24/7 TPE Dynamic

July 5, 2021 By SafferMaster 4 Comments

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I live with my collared slut. She and I have a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE). This means that at all  times she chooses to submit to me. Our dynamic is sex forward. So, one aspect of our dynamic is that at  any time, I am free to use her sexually. Our dynamic is kink forward as well. What this means is that at  any time, I am free to do anything I wish to her in any kink context that I choose. Naturally, she is not a  slave, and she has agency, and she has given me her consent. Naturally, I would never do anything to  her or with her that ignored or violated her hard limits. I say “naturally” because all kink dynamics are based on trust.  

When I made the choice to seek a submissive partner to live in a 24/7 TPE, I did so after exploring a wide  range of kink scenes with an array of submissive women. While I was quite happy with the kink, the sex  itself was unfulfilling and I became present to the fact that for me, what was missing was the intimacy of  romantic partnership. In my exploration of kink, I learned some things about myself. What sort of  fetishes I had and which ones I wanted to explore further and so when I began my search, I had a list of  “must haves” and list of “I’d like to have” considerations.  

For example, I knew that I was seeking an obedient submissive masochist who was herself seeking a  24/7 TPE. She needed to into or at least open to my entire fetish list. That was the start of the adventure.  

I wrote a “seeking post” that posted in all the personal’s on Fetlife in the local and nearby cities. Almost  immediately, I received many inquiries from women and I met a few of them. One woman in particular  got my attention. Her questions seemed genuine and her curiosity authentic. We messaged for months,  spoke once or twice and then, I gave her a task to assess both her obedience and masochism. What I did was I asked her to attempt to orgasm with ginger in her ass. It was smore than that, but that was the gist  of it. Not only did she do so, but she orgasmed 3 times and then she sat in a Nadu pose with the ginger  inserted and experienced an out of body moment. That task had me anxious to meet her.  

We met in person at a restaurant and in the very first moments of our meeting, she made the choice to  submit to me. Before we even spoke. My dominant nature, my way of being, my pheromones,  whatever, something in her was triggered and she chose me to gift herself to.  

Over the next few months, she worked to get complete in her separation and file for divorce (something  that was occurring regardless of my interactions with her. Eventually, when she had taken steps to  formally separate, she put herself forward to be claimed.  

In claiming her, I would mark her inside and out as my own submissive. We had talked about this, and it  took courage to put herself as a new kinkster, in the hands of a sadist. The Claiming Ceremony involved  being chained, marked with a cane, having me piss in her ass and down her throat.  

That began a journey of exploration as we explored many different scenes and kinks of a wide variety of  alternatives, to get our kink in alignment. She is very obedient and she does everything I ask. Then after  we play, we debrief and we assess if we should do that again, more intensely, less intensely or not at all.  

Communication in a kink dynamic is probably the most important aspect of our kink and, in truth, you  could say that our favorite fetish is communication. You would not be wrong. I’ll say one important thing about communication between a Dom and a sub. There are times when we need to set aside our  dynamic and talk as equals. This is important because as I noted at the outset, she has agency.  

Before long, she moved in with me and we started to explore living together in a kink dynamic. Not long  after that, we started talking about collaring her. We made the choice to delay the collaring itself until  she had created the space she needed to create a new relationship by getting complete with her  divorce. This is an important consideration. In order to be able to commit herself to me, she needed to  be divorced completely. I needed her to be able to give me her full attention, and with the background  noise of an ongoing divorce she did not have the mindset nor the space to put her attention on  something brand new. And as soon as her divorce was done and she was complete, we began to plan  her collaring ceremony in earnest.  

We took collaring seriously. We wrote our statements out so we would not forget what we wanted to  say and she kneeled in a circle of candle lights and white rose petals as we started the ceremony by  being with each other. We sat there staring into each other’s eyes, silently, or perhaps 5 minutes. We  said what there was to say and then we created an intense and prolonged scene to mark the occasion.  

It was a beautiful private ceremony that bound us in our kink.  

What has happened since then is that we have become closer, more connected and more aligned than ever.  

The best aspect of being in a kink dynamic is what we call “The Rabbit Hole”. Why kink is like a rabbit  hole is that it takes twists and turns and we discover new things about ourselves and each other. One  example is the time I made the choice to give her a daily maintenance spanking. This occurred because I  noticed that as the week passed after our weekend marking sessions, she became “out of sorts” and it  was clear that she was in a great mood after being marked. And while she put herself forward to be  spanked as instructed, what came out of that was unexpected. We used the experience to try different  implements on her and she found that with the heavy flogger, somewhere around 150 strokes, she  started to have orgasms and experience the flogging as electrical energy. We have experimented with  over 1000 strokes, which she loved. This was completely unexpected. Another example is the time I put  her in chastity for a month and we only explored anal sex. She discovered her ass as a sex organ –  eating her ass gives her orgasms. That was unexpected.  

My point is that in the rabbit hole, the twists and turns are surprising and its super fun to have a partner  with whom that exploration is occurring.  

So what makes our dynamic work? First, we subscribe to a few principles:  

– There is nothing wrong.  

– We are both 100% responsible.  

– We are in communication.  

– Trust is present.  

There is one other thing. She is incredibly obedient. I find her obedience a turn on. She adheres to  protocols with a religious fervor. I love it. 

Now a few words on the principles we adhere to. When we say “there is nothing wrong” it is not to  dismiss her point of view or her complaint or mine, it’s a recognition that as human beings, we make  meaning out of things we do not completely understand. It’s a function of being human. What there is  to deal with is “what’s so” about a thing. That keeps us from escalating moments in a negative direction.  Second, we both take full responsibility to keep the dynamic alive and well. Its not a 50/50 deal at all. Its  100%/0%. And we talk. We talk so often about so many aspects about our dynamic that we started the  podcast Kinky Cocktail Hour. And most important, trust really is present. She trust me to use her hard  and not break her. She trusts me to love her and care for her and I trust her to do the same. Intimacy is present.  

Our dynamic works because we are committed and not attached to the dynamic and we go with the  ebbs and flows of our desires and demands. As the Dom, it is my responsibility to read her. To gauge her  energy and her mindset. We have sexualized her completely. She experiences herself as a very sexy  creature And she is perfectly suited to be my personal slut. The result is that our sex is lava hot. I would  say conservatively, that in the 3 years we have been together, we have had sex over 1,000 times, each  time being the hottest sex ever. She always presents herself to be used and it starts there. Lately, we are  employing hypnosis to move her into a trance state more quickly and I am training her to experience deep throat fucking as orgasmic. It’s hot.  

Writing this has caused me to send her a message that I am going to use her hard when she gets home  from work, and I am going to “fuck her silly”. Because our sexuality is wrapped up in kink, this means  that she will get flogged and fucked today. Her response? “Mmmmmm…Very, Very HOT!!”. Then she sent me this text:  

“Verfreude”  

The German word Vorfreude is unique and has no English equivalent. It comes from the  words vor (“before”) and Freude (“joy”) and means something along the lines of “joyful anticipation.” Vorfreude is the joy you experience while you are looking forward to something.  

Germans often say: “Vorfreude ist die schönste Freude” which means “anticipation is the greatest joy”.  

I have Verfreude too.  


SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on our Patreon:  

https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground 

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky Cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm contract, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, dominant, fetish, kink, master, mistress, power dynamic, power exchange, protocol, rituals, slave, slave training, submissive

Queen vs. Warden

June 24, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Today, I’d like to address a subject that’s been mentioned in passing in a few of my articles and books:  The difference between being an enforcer and of being a leader. 

The examples I’d like to use for this discussion, are the Warden of a prison versus the Queen of a land.  

Both positions have “constituents” – those that reside in the area over which they have authority. Both have the authority to set rules and procedures for those constituents. Both have power to rule,  somewhat unilaterally. Both have the right to enforce their will. Both are in positions of superiority. 

Of course, there are a number of differences: 

The Warden’s constituency is not present by choice. They are incarcerated and restricted. The warden is  feared. There is no personal relationship with the warden; interaction is limited to compliance with strict  and granular rules that impact every moment of every day. Compliance is not a choice, it is mandatory – and failure to comply has severe punitive consequence. They are counting the days until they can get out. 

The Queen’s constituency are members by choice. They are voluntarily citizens unless they no longer  want/need the protections / benefits of the land. The Queen is revered and honored. She is worshiped and adored. She is the leader of the land. Her rules are somewhat generic; providing an overarching  framework of culture and order, under which the citizens adapt for their specific lives. For the most part,  participation in the regulations provide a level of freedom within that framework. Of course, repeated  failure to comply to the regulations may result in banishment from the land or being turned over to … the warden, but for the most part, the constituents are governed by their desire to provide for the  queen in their deed and intent. 

Much of the literature surrounding BDSM and D/s fantasies, and consequently, many of those who  approach me for advice or contact, approach dominance as a position of enforcement. Of course, there  is a bit of a façade that gets played: When referring to dominants, they use words like “reverence” and  “worship” – vernacular that would have you believe the dominant is a queen, but when you actually look  at the nature of the imagery and understand the demands of the fantasy, you see that the role being  described most resembles that of the warden. 

Many submissivess are looking to be made captive. The fantasy is to be trapped, as if against one’s will,  under the authoritative and restrictive rule of the dominant. There is usually an elaborate storyline that  creates servitude – blackmail, disclosure, loss of bets, indenture – so that compliance to a strict rule is  assured. Every movement curtailed; every decision made for them. When to eat, when to sleep, where  to go, what to do. Enforcement is immediate and punitively consequential. The dominant is an enforcer: The “doer”; the active role. Obedience is driven through fear of consequence. All of this is necessary to make the façade feel real.

For most of the dominants I know, playing the role of warden can be fun and enjoyable – as a role.  However, being the warden day in and day out runs counter to what they’re looking for in their  relationships – and can be a lot of work! Most enjoy the feeling of being revered, worshiped, and adored. They want to set generic rules and structure, and not have to threaten or beat their submissives  into compliance. In my vernacular, they prefer “submission” to “acquiescence” …the difference being  that submission is driven by a desire to serve, whereas acquiescence is compliance driven by a desire to avoid consequence. 

The conflict this establishes can take a toll on relationships. A person who is looking to establish a power  dynamic using words like “worship” and “reverence”, is setting up an expectation that isn’t met (for  most) by the imagery of the warden. Sometimes that dichotomy is realized very late in the dynamic’s  development and can lead to all sorts of issues. If someone wants a warden, they need to be up-front  about it. This is not just a porn issue (although porn tends to present the imagery of the warden in the  guise of a full-time relationship – and for someone whose only exposure to power dynamics is through  porn, that can be damaging), this is a communications issue. Talk about what you want. Define  submission. Define dominance. Agree on your terms before you dive into the dynamic. 

For me, I am my submissive’s queen. They operate within the guidelines I present – my preferences and  expectations…the things that make me happy. They live within the purview of my land for as long as  they want to. They are neither forced to comply, nor are they trapped against their will. They opt to  serve me, each and every day they stay here. They are the “doers”; actively working to fulfill their role  within the structure. They are citizens of my land; knights; valued contributors to my domain. 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm contract, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, dominant, femdom, master, mistress, power dynamic, power exchange, protocols, slave, submissive

Discipline-Based Dynamics

June 9, 2021 By SafferMaster 4 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

We live in a discipline based dynamic (DD). In our relationship, I am the Dom, and my partner is my  submissive masochist and 3-hole slut. She is collared. She belongs to me. I own her.  

In all discipline-based dynamics there is a Dominant partner and a submissive partner. Here is an  example of how that played out in our dynamic. Almost 6 months into our discipline based dynamic that  started when I claimed her, it occurred to me that on the days following our High Protocol marking  scenes (where she gets marked with a cane), which we hold during the weekend, she was in a much  better mood than her baseline, she was unmistakably more loving, happier and more attentive. As the  week wore on, she tended to get “out of sorts”. After seeing this play out for a few weeks in a row, I got  to thinking about it, and I concluded that she should get a daily maintenance spanking to see if that  altered her experience any. Well, I can report that it has dramatically altered both her experience and  our relationship. The first time I gave her a daily spanking, we had great sex immediately following and  now that ritual is part of our daily extremely hot sexual encounter that itself has opened a lot of doors  for us in our pursuit of sexual nirvana. When I first told her that she was to get a daily maintenance  spanking, because we live in a DD household, even though she bit her lip with both a bit of concern and  a little trepidation, she immediately accepted my decision and made sure she was ready to get spanked  every day. Even though she was worried about it at first, she trusted me to look out for her, and she  gave her unconditional consent. All DD are based on consent. We live in what is called a 24/7 TPE or  Total Power Exchange.  

Now, regarding the daily maintenance spanking, just to be clear, she had done nothing wrong, she was  simply being human, and so the spanking was not a punishment for a bad behavior, it was not a cause  and effect spanking, It was not corporal punishment at all. The discipline in this instance is that she gets  a daily spanking, which means that when she gets home from work, she goes to the bathroom and gets  herself ready to be spanked and used. This is our protocol. In a DD dynamic, protocols are at play.  Because she is an obedient submissive, we do not have a power struggle about this. I have told her what  she needs to do to properly prepare herself to serve me and she does that joyfully, even to the point of  putting out the flogger, lube and a towel before she kneels in her Nadu pose to wait for my attention.  

The impact of incorporating this practice into our daily life is nothing short of amazing. It has  dramatically improved our connectedness, our relatedness and the sense of closeness we have between  us. We love each other more intensely today that we did when I introduced the practice more than 2 years ago.  

This experience of being “much closer than ever” is a very common experience for a D/s couple who  practice a domestic discipline lifestyle. Now adult DD relationships are varied. There are female led  relationships (FLR) with a dominant woman and a submissive man. This is a very popular topic. The most  downloaded episode of our podcast is the FLR pod (Season1 Episode 147). Some of these relationships  are strictly discipline oriented where corporal punishment is a part of any punishment or transgression  resolution, and some are asexual dynamics as well. In our dynamic the DD is intertwined without  sexuality, but this is not always the case. A man who endures the over the knee (OTK) hairbrush  spanking and then has to stand in the corner with his red ass exposed may have a “completely normal  vanilla” sexual relationship with his partner where he is dominant in bed. It does not really need to be  stated, but there are both gay and lesbian DD relationships as well as non-binary dynamics. 

One of the more interesting DD dynamics is the Big/Little dynamic where an adult care giver is  responsible for an adult little (or child persona) who needs to be disciplined in many ways from having  their diaper checked or changed, to what and how much they eat etc. In truth, there are numerous  forms of DD relationships which we refer to as “Power Exchange Relationships”, such as:  

 Master/sub/slave (M/s)  

 Mistress/sub/slave (M/s)  

 Mommy Dom/little boy/girl (MD/lg or MD/lb)  

 Daddy Dom/little boy/girl (DD/lb or DD/lg)  

 Domestic Discipline (DD)  

 Head of Household (HOH)  

 Taken in Hand (TIH)  

 Total Power Exchange (TPE  

 Absolute Power Exchange (APE)  

By definition, a power exchange relationship (PER) is a relational dynamic in which one individual serves  another in a consensual authority exchange structured relationship wherein a partners choose to either  give up or get control of authority. Pet play is another power exchange dynamic as well.  

There are many issues to deal with in a power exchange relationship. For example, imagine a DD couple  where the primary discipline is an Over the Knee (OTK) spanking, and the couple has children? What are  some of the concerns? From where I sit, there is never cause to spank a child, so that is not what I am  promoting, I am asking strictly from the perspective that the HOH has determined that the sub is to get  an OTK spanking, and the household has young or even teenage children. How should that be managed?  If you read the message boards, the consensus is that the couple works to separate completely the DD  activities from the parenting of their children. It is an adult behavior and not appropriate for the children  to witness. To a person, the sub, males and females, will note that the spankings they get make them  closer to their dominant. So, it is both needed and necessary, which requires that they find way to take  their behavior out of the purview of their children. From the point of view of the children, all they see is  a loving relationship between their parents.  

Why people choose PER’s is as complex as it is varied. In our case, we are both wired to be in a PER. We  were both in unfulfilling marriages before we connected, and we both drifted to a TPE. I had advertised  that that is what I was seeking, and she was drawn to my stated relationship intention. Now I want to  make an especially important point. There is a massive difference between being dominant and being  domineering. Being the HOH does not entitle me to be domineering. In fact, my partner was in a  marriage with a domineering man whom she grew to despise. I cannot explain what makes me  dominant or why she sensed my dominance even as we met for the first time. I do know that being  dominant is my natural way of being and that having her as my submissive has allowed me my full self expression as a sexual being. The secret is to a successful DD is to keep the integrity of the dynamic  intact. What do I mean by that? I mean that the relationship only works where consent is present, and it  only works where agreements are kept. If, for example, I said, “if you do that again, I am going to spank  you” and she does it again and I do not follow through and spank her, then she will begin to wonder if I  am paying enough attention to her. This leads to space and space kills relationships. Instead, I enroll her  into the dynamic ongoingly and register her willing participation by keeping it fun, and then we both take on making sure that we fulfill on our commitment to each other. PER’s require that both the Dom  and the sub are 100% responsible for maintaining the relationship, All PER are consent based as I have noted, and the amount of power a submissive chooses to give up is  subject to negotiation. Our dynamic is a Total Power Exchange. I say what goes, and yet, I insist that my  sub has agency, and is fully self-expressed. We maintain a remarkably high degree of communication so  that she can speak her mind without concern. For example, she might tell me that she is going for a run,  she does not ask me if she can go for a run, and that occurs inside of the integrity of our broader  dynamic where her fitness and health are a stated priority of ours. If there were an insurmountable  issue, we have an agreement in place that we can set aside the DD for the purposes of talking as equals  and resolving the issue. In other dynamics, HOH for example, there is an invitation for more discussion  preceding decisions that the HOH then makes. In a Big/little dynamic, there is more enrollment that  occurs, and discipline might involve punishing brattyness (disobedience designed to elicit a spanking or  punishment) and that sort of play. So, as I like to say, there is no right way to be. The individuals need to  negotiate a PER dynamic that works for each of them.  

There is a really great tool we use to manage communication in our dynamic called WeMinder. As a tool  designed for discipline based dynamics, it allows a Dom to assign tasks and reward or punish based on  the agreements that have been negotiated. You can listen to the conversation we had with the founder here. (https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/8559456)  

WeMinder is inexpensive and perfect for partners in DD dynamics, including those who do not live in the same geography.  

There are dynamics where corporal punishment is used to change behavior. We talked to a  Disciplinarian who makes himself available using hard core corporal punishment on request of  submissive women who even fly to see him from thousands of miles away to get brutal 12 or 24 or 50  stroke cold caning sessions. I once worked with a woman who wanted to lose weight and quit smoking,  and she requested corporal punishment to motivate her to change her behavior. In both of these  examples, the PER is asexual. The point is that PER’s occur in all sorts of ways where one partner  chooses to give up power and one chooses to take power. The definition is even true in consent/non  consent dynamics, which is more of a roll play dynamic. I am simply observing that DD’s occur in the  realm of relationship, the realm of sexuality, and the realm where those are combined.  

Regardless of the style of DD you choose, the best way to proceed is to be in communication, to  negotiate, to make agreements and to stick to them. We choose to operate in a space where there is  “nothing wrong”, and as we were developing our dynamic, there were times when we were required set  the dynamic aside to speak as equals so as to confirm or clarify or renegotiate an agreement or  negotiate a new one. That process occurred more at first while we worked out the limits in our dynamic.  

There is tons of information out there in blogs, and on sites like fetlife where there are dozens of groups  devoted to DD or PER with thousands of members who engage in conversations and who post their ideas and opinions.  

My view is that a PER is a serious commitment. We both believe that we each need to be 100%  responsible for maintaining the PER in the healthiest way possible. In the 3 years since we first met, we  have seen our relationship and our dynamic grow closer and closer and we are more aligned now than ever before, and she has received a daily maintenance spanking every day for more than half of that  time. The spanking she receives are not trivial, but are on the order of 500 lashes with a heavy bull hide  flogger that turns her ass bright red. We used the spankings to explore her masochism, and she is now  climaxing during her spanking that now occurs as part our ridiculously hot kinky sex. We found the key  to unlock our dynamic when I made an observation about her behavior, thought about how to address it  in the context of our PER, and came up with the daily maintenance spanking as an idea. Because we are  in a rabbit hole, and because we have no idea about the twists and turns, and because new actions  produce unpredictable outcomes, we are now closer, more aligned, more connected, more related and  more in love, happiness and joy than ever before, and our PER is humming along perfectly.  


SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, contracts, dominant, fetish, kink, power dynamic, power exchange, protocols, rituals, submissive, total power exchange

Managing Multiple Subs

April 24, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

two sexy submissives in gas masks
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

A couple of days ago, I was asked a question regarding managing the problems of having multiple subs  who serve you at the same time. As my readers know, I’m not talking about multiple play partners, but  rather, multiple partners who are striving to fulfill my expectations, desires, and preferences. 

The question was how I avoid the problems of multiple partners, particularly in the area of sexuality – how I manage intimacy with different subs. The person asking was having trouble rationalizing multiple  partners and how to split your time, attention, and commitment between them. 

This person was seeing all sorts of problems with treating all subs “equally”, yet having some who are  closer than others, and what that does to them in terms of jealousy and competition. 

This became yet another excellent use of the “layers” concepts (rather than rehash that here, I refer you  to my books, fetlife, or other articles that discuss the layers analogy). Bottom line, the way I look at  power dynamics simplifies these questions. The layers concept views D/s relationships as relationships  (of some sort) to which we’ve added a power dynamic. I currently have D/s relationships with 4 people.  All of them are dedicated to serving me in whatever way I define their submission. They’re all my  submissives and the power dynamic with all of them is very similar. 

However, their underlying relationships are very different: One is my husband, one is the husband of a  close friend, one is basically my lawyer and the fourth is a friend, turned business associate. 

Naturally, the relationship I have with my husband is very different than those I have with the other 3 – however, it’s not because of a difference in the power dynamic (or their intent within the power  dynamic) – it’s due to differences in the underlying relationship type. Clearly, one doesn’t feel the same  way about a friend than they do about a spouse – with or without a power dynamic! You trust your  spouse more than your lawyer (lawyer jokes aside). You communicate better with your business partner  than the husband of a friend (you hope). 

Resolving the Paradoxes 

The way the person had asked the question conflated relationship-level attributes with power dynamic level attributes and hence, they were having trouble resolving the paradoxes: How can you have the  same type of power dynamic with someone you love versus a friend? How does your spouse have more  privilege than your friend without jealousy?  

For me, it’s simple: I have relatively equal power dynamics with very different types of  relationships…and therefore the blended whole of each relationship is very different. But from the perspective of the power dynamics – how they serve me – their intent – the rules they live by — those  things are nearly identical.

The question about sexuality is moot when considered within the context of this separation: Sex is  something that (at least for me) depends on the underlying relationship type. Whether I am sexual with  someone has nothing to do with their service to me, it has to do with the type of underlying relationship we have.  

If you’re not the type to have sex with the husband of a friend, or your lawyer, or your business  associate, then you’re not going to have sex with them if they’re your submissive! So, I don’t have sex  with those submissives. I do, however, have sex with my husband. The fact that they’re all my  submissives doesn’t change that…because it’s not the power layer that defines the sexual component of our overall relationships. 

The other subs understand this separation – they don’t feel jealousy because they understand that,  while they are equals when it comes to submission, they are not on equal footing in the underlying  relationship. They don’t EXPECT to have that type of intimacy, because theirs is not that type of  relationship. 

The Team Approach 

When it comes to managing the submission of multiple partners, the number one rule is that they  operate as a team: My submissives comprise “Team Rika”. The overall success of Team Rika is my  happiness – how well the overall team serves me. It has nothing to do with the relative position or performance of any particular team member. Each team member brings their strengths to the team and  together they fill in each other’s weaknesses. They work together to be the best team they can be. They  can only succeed together. 

I have a couple of rules of thumb that govern this team, which help to eliminate jealousy and  competition – both of which are poison to a multiple-partner dynamic: 

1) I segment the areas of their focus. I don’t assign two submissives the same area of my life. If one  sub manages the kitchen, another one manages transportation, another will manage wardrobe,  another will manage the garden, etc. This keeps them out of each other’s hair and avoids two of  them trying to serve me in the same space.  

2) Competition is the enemy of good teamwork. A lot of folks believe that you get the best out of a  person when you make them compete. This is true for the performance of an individual, but I  don’t believe it’s the best solution for a team. The focus of each team member must be the  performance of the team, not their particular performance.  

3) Due to #2, a sub who is competitive has lost sight of the ultimate goal of the team, and will no longer be allowed to serve. They will be given opportunity to change their ways, but ultimately,  if I feel they are continuing to act in a counter-productive manner to the benefit of the team, I  will remove them from the team – no matter what they’re bringing in terms of individual performance. The health of the team is far more important than any one person. I have luckily  only had to do this once in almost 30 years. 

4) I don’t show favorites. As I already discussed, the underlying relationship types factor into the  overall relationship and how I treat that partner, however, as far as the power dynamic is  concerned, everyone is held to the same standard. Everyone is expected to strive to fulfill their  commitment to the dynamic. I provide equal assessment and feedback, simple gifts, clear  communications of my expectations, recognition, and active attention. 

5) Tattling is a big ‘no-no’. I’m not interested in individual guilt or assignment of blame. The team  succeeds or fails together. The team needs to work within itself to grow. They need to help each  other and correct each other. They share a common objective and if they keep their focus on  that objective, they will help each other work through their differences and insecurities. Personal goals are most visible when you take your eye off the team’s goals. It’s fine to want  yourself to succeed, but if that surpasses your focus on the objective of the team, you’re  priorities are out of alignment. 

Wrap up 

This is not an easy thing to manage multiple submissives, however, it is very doable when you  understand the forces at play. As the dominant, you need to be clear as to your expectations – not only  regarding how they serve you, but also their responsibilities to each other. When a team is functioning  well, it feels effortless. If you find yourself resolving conflicts, managing egos, reassuring insecurities – then something is amiss within your team and you need to snuff it as quickly as possible. Determine the root cause and if you can’t remediate it, eliminate it. Your team will serve you well – and a well functioning team will serve you better than any one person can. 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, dominant, domme, femdom, fetish, kink, power dynamic, power exchange, submissive, submissive headspace, submissive training, topspace

Do You Need to Earn the Right to Submit?

April 10, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

sexy power exchange couple, submissive blindfolded
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I got a note this morning from a dominant friend of mine, sharing the frustrations she, and many  dominant women, have when taking on new subs. Her question was whether subs should have to prove  themselves to be worthy of being allowed to submit, or be put in a position of submission and then  prove their ability within the role. 

From my days in management (outside of D/s dynamics), I can tell you that, most of the time, people  prove their ability to do a higher-level job before they’re assigned to it. It is a much less frequent  practice to give someone a “chance to succeed” at a position. It’s done…but not nearly as often. This is  usually because positions are often coveted and highly competitive and there’s no need to take the risk  associated with having the wrong person in a position of responsibility.  

If I take the analogy back to D/s dynamics, the reasons for qualifying an individual before allowing them  to submit to you, boil down to the risks associated with them not being able to perform as expected.  What are the risks associated with taking a chance on a submissive?  

The risks boil down to the amount of work that will end up on the dominant. The downside puts the  dominant to the task of identifying flaws in the sub’s efforts, determining how to communicate and  correct them, and then following up to make sure the corrections are made. Even worse, they may find  themselves needing to “motivate” the submissive…to create the energy to get them to serve. They can  easily then lose confidence that the submissive will perform other tasks to the level of performance  that’s acceptable and need to make constant judgements regarding whether to trust a submissive with a  particular task, or not. 

As those of you who have read my books and other posts and essays know, I’m a firm believer that  having a submissive makes my life EASIER. If having a submissive makes my life more complicated, gives  me less time to do what I want to do, or forces me to do things I don’t want to do, then something is very wrong. 

My friend brought up the point that often submissives want to be given the position and then be  ‘trained’. The whole “Training” thing is something I’m particularly against. I don’t train my submissives,  but I do educate them. I want them to understand my preferences and expectations and to internalize  them, so that they become their own. When they act, they act in concert with fulfilling those expectations. 

A quick web lookup on the differences between training and educating highlights this well: 

Training refers to an act of inculcating specific skills in a person. Education is all  about gaining theoretical knowledge in the classroom or any institution. Training is a way to develop specific skills, whereas education is a typical system of learning.

I am all for communicating to a submissive and teaching them general terms of how to be my  submissive, but I’m not interested training them like an animal. The skills they need to serve me, they  either come to the table with – or are able to develop based on their understanding of the objective and  their ability to learn. 

So, no…I’m not going to pick a submissive and try to train them to serve me. They’re going to have  opportunity to prove they’re a good learner and have the ability to apply general principles to develop specific skills. 

Does a prospective submissive possess the intelligence, empathy, awareness, self-awareness,  dedication, and energy needed to be good at it? That seems to me to be an awful lot to expect to just  blossom in front of you. Sure, it’s possible – but are you willing to put up with the effort required to  discover it can’t? 

For me, I would rather get to know a prospective submissive before allowing them to submit to me.  During that time, I’m assessing a lot about their personality, their real interests, their ability to be  dominant-centric, and their intelligence. I’m qualifying them to be a submissive, not based on any  particular skill, but rather based on the qualities that make learning happen. Are they going to be a good  student? Are they driven by a passion to serve? Are they going to be able to exhibit the self-control to  maintain their dedication – without burdening me with the need to force, or enforce, it? 

Therefore, from my viewpoint, you don’t get to submit and then prove you can do it. You also don’t  prove you can submit – you exhibit your natural abilities to learn and adapt and you exhibit your internal  desire to serve. You show me why, in particular, you want to serve ME – and not just any woman. Then,  I can feel comfortable with the discussion that leads to your submission. 

I would love to hear your opinions! 

Tagged With: bottom, dominant, femdom, master, mistress, power dynamic, power exchange, power play, slave, submissive, submissive headspace, Top, topspace

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