kink
Vidoe: A Straightforward Guide to Kink
While slightly less visually stimulating than some of the videos we’ve previously featured, this short educational video on kink is still fun to watch. Do you think they covered all the basics? Let us know in the comments!
Opinion: Kink vs. BDSM
As you have noticed, we are called KINK weekly, not BDSM weekly. Yet most of the articles and features on this site have been BDSM oriented. Of course, with the loosening of the moral – and legal – strictures on all alternative lifestyles, the line between kink and BDSM has been blurred. Enter BaadMaster to attempt to clarify this confusion.
As I see it – and this is simply my opinion – the difference is that BDSM has an implied power exchange; kink does not. It is really that simple. Even Christian, the “Fifty Shades” helicopter pilot/pervert, crosses from kink into BDSM when he offers Anastasia a “slave contract.
If one accepts my differentiation between kink and BDSM as simply that of the inclusion of a power exchange, a larger question presents itself – is there really such a thing as a power exchange?
There are kinky friends of mine who claim there “is no such thing as a power exchange.” They use the argument that, “You cannot legally consent to be someone’s slave.” This might be true in a legal sense; but I always counter with, “If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.” When I see a slave serving his/her Master/Mistress, it surely appears that they are in an M/s state. I have yet to see a slave tell his/her Master/Mistress, “Get your own fucking beer,” as I have with kinky vanilla couples.
Of course, there are great variations in the levels of D/s in our lifestyle. It runs from 24/7 to a one night session to a weekend arrangement – and everything in between. But, in any relationship no matter how kinky, if there is a power exchange, it “graduates” from kink to BDSM. And that is the difference.
In our post “Fifty Shades” world, there is a lot of switching in the “New Guard.” Thus, there can be confusion as to who wields the power – a question that was easy to answer in the previous generation’s “black and white” Dom/sub approach. It is now more complex.
I think the actual power exchange is a twofold process; it is actually fluid. The first stage is the negotiation phase. Here, in my opinion, the submissive holds the power. The slave has the veto power and is the one generally stating his/her hard limits. This “veto power” is, by its very nature, not submissive and, from the Dom/me’s point of view, can be a bit unsettling. But, as I have stated in previous kink weekly articles, “Until you actually negotiate a D/s interaction, no matter how rudimentary, you are not anyone’s submissive.”
Even if the submissive is unconsciously acting in a “power positive” role by having the veto authority, I see no conflict here. It does nothing to bolster the argument that, “It is the submissive who has the power.” I would concede at this negotiation stage the submissive might be in the power position. But once we get to the second stage – the actual power exchange – the dynamic changes. As does the progression from kink to BDSM.
The Dominant is now given authority over a range of the submissive’s life – from sexual to lifestyle aspects. The degree of this power varies from couple to couple (and triad to triad!), but the power is clearly in the hands of the Dom/me. And “kink,” as the operational overview of this type of interaction, goes out the window.
In a strictly “kink based” relationship, anything goes. Obviously, this is a lot more exciting than any vanilla relationship can be. But without a power exchange, kink is just that – kink.
BDSM has a lot more structure – and thus it has greater “staying power.” In my opinion, BDSM is an exciting way to be kinky and to also have a sexy hierarchy.
And, no matter how kinky you are, order beats chaos any day of the week!
Medical Play, the Next Level!
This is kinkweekly.com’s second article on medical play. The first one – “The Doctor Is In: Medical Play” — was basically an introduction. We not only examined the inherent D/s roots of medical play, but we also explained basic play for beginners and listed much of the entry level equipment — examination tables, speculums, Wattenberg pinwheels, tongue depressors, bandages, thermometers, reflex hammers, scopes, etc. Using most of these medical toys and role-play scenarios are pretty self-explanatory. Just tie your slave to the examination table, spread the stirrups and play away. (With a safe word, of course!)
But now let’s take it a little further. First on tap – The “TENS” unit.
The “TEN” in “TENS unit” is actually an acronym for Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulator. It is a specially modified electrical pulse generator that was originally intended for actual medical use.
A TENS unit causes low levels of intermittent pain which appears to produce endorphins. Since a rush of endorphins is presumed to cause the phenomenon of subspace, and a TENS unit can stimulate the body’s production of endorphins, it was only a matter of time before some Dom/me tried it on his/her submissive. Amazing! And what better place is there than your “medical office” to use a TENS unit? Just do not course the current across the heart area.
Needle play in a medical scene is a natural — although needle play is not solely done in medical scenes. Often called “play piercings,” these are temporary piercings.
In any medical scene with needles, your approach to sterility should mirror that of an actual doctor. Sterility is essential, from the needles you buy to the play areas in your “office.” When you buy your piercing needles, some medical supply houses offer ethylene oxide gas sterilization. Once sterilized in this way, the items are sealed in plastic and are germ free until you use them. (Always use needles ONCE and throw them away as medical waste.)
Before you start your play-piercing session, wash your hands thoroughly with a hospital quality anti-bacterial soap. Latex examination gloves should be placed on both hands immediately after washing. The submissive’s skin should also be toweled with alcohol or an anti-bacterial wash. You should have all these products on hand, neatly arranged on your medical table, so that the doctor role-play and sterility precautions merge seamlessly. In needle play, sterility isn’t everything, it’s the only thing!
Now it’s time to get really deep into medical play. (If you want to!) We’re talking about urethral play – using penis plugs and urethral sounds! And although I will describe this type of play, it is wise to learn it from an experienced Top. That said, here is a good overview.
A penis plug is a smooth metal rod designed to be inserted into the urethra. In the hands of an experienced Top, a penis plug makes the penis more sensitive and intensifies orgasm. This is usually done in the context of medical scene; it can really add to the Dom/sub dynamic.
But it is in a urethral sounds scene where medical role play can truly approximate reality – after all, sounds are actual medical devices; they are used for dilating the urethra for medical exams. (Note: in both penis plug and sounds play, do not skimp on the lube – and always have a safe word!)
Urethral sounds can also be used to magnify sexual pleasure; many subs get off on the feeling of having their urethra stretched and played with. Being longer and slimmer than the penis plug (sounds are sold in sets of assorted widths and lengths), they can even reach and stimulate the bladder. As these are truly medical devices that require major skills to use, working with an experienced Top would be a great place to start.
As we have explained in our previous article, the fun of medical role-play is that the Dom/sub dynamic is already built in. When a real life doctor (or nurse) says, “Time to examine your urethra,” you let the doctor do it. This hierarchy continues into BDSM medical role-play – without the constraints of a real doctor/nurse/patient relationship.
The world of medical play runs from “hot nurse role-play” all the way to needle and urethral play.
But I have to go; it’s time to give my submissive a medical exam!
By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
Burning Man with a Splash of BDSM
It’s been three weeks since Dexx and myself returned from the Burning Man festival in the Black Rock Desert. If you’ve never heard of it (you’d be surprised exactly how many people have no idea what it is) it’s a large gathering of people in the desert in Nevada. The event centers around art, community, self-reliance, and leaving no trace. Basically, you bring everything you need to survive and pack it all out at the end whilst having an amazing time meeting people, experiencing spontaneous events, and surviving.
Veterans of the festival say it can take a while to decompress from the week spent in the desert and I believe that to be true. I wanted to share some of our findings and highlights from the festival, despite immense preparation and hours of study on what to expect, I was extremely surprised by my week at Burning Man.
Dexx and I arrived in our RV on a Tuesday, two days after the official start of Burning Man. We also happened to be driving right into our very first dust storm. Nothing could have prepared us for exactly what a dust storm is like. If you’ve never experienced it, imagine the density of fog that is actually a heavy misting of fine dust and the resulting respiratory discomfort it can cause. It covers everything and requires you to wear a face mask and goggles. But just as quickly as a dust storm can blow in, it dissipates. The entire week, the longest dust storm lasted around 10-15 minutes but they can also come and go back to back making it extremely taxing to set up camp for example. We found our camping spot and spent the next few hours getting everything in order and battening down the hatches! Below is a photo Dexx took of our humble little camp amidst the storm.
Our little RVI expected to feel filthy and dirty the whole time, with water being in short supply showers were non-existent, but the dust is so fine and the air so dry you’re never drenched in sweat. The dust helps to block the sun from burning your skin (along with a combo of a hefty douse in sunscreen). The only mess was my hair, which I had temporarily dyed purple and promptly put in a braid and did not touch the whole week.
Once we had our camp set, it was time to take an exploratory bike ride. Everyone brings bikes as a means to travel. The entire Burning Man camp referred to as Black Rock City is approximately seven miles wide so you can imagine how much time it would take to walk everywhere. My booty was aching by the third day and I was having to center myself from what I referred to as my “torture rides” on the bike. Not the type of pain I’m into! We passed sites such as the Orgy Dome, a ski jump, giant towers to be climbed and massive art cars; buses and more that have been converted into rolling pieces of art. After the first day, I opted to not wear pants for the remainder of the event as evidenced by the photos within this article.
One of the art installations on the playa. There were hundreds!There is plenty of BDSM and kink to be had on the playa (another name for the Burning Man location). There are several fully equipped BDSM dungeon camps to explore. We do not have any photos of them due to the allowances of photography at these locations. We were extremely impressed with the level of equipment to be found. Imagine picking up an entire dungeon, packing it in a truck, then having to drive it miles and miles into the desert and unloading it all!
There were also traveling kinksters. We saw some human pony and carriage play, men and women on leashes, and I also got some hefty swats from a naked dominatrix. She was carrying a cock shaped crop (the bird not the anatomy) and I ended up with the crop shape on my backside for several days. It was hysterical!
We went to visit an actual 747 airplane that had been transported all the way out to the desert. It was an incredible site to behold, the shell of this massive plane sitting on the playa.
Before gaining entrance, people were required to go through a “TSA checkpoint” consisting of sexy ladies frisking everyone. I got a swift smack on my butt and a boob grab but I was happy to oblige.
A swat from airport securityThere was also a sign that clearly laid out exactly what would be prohibited on the “flight.” The inside is converted into a lounge and dance space. You could also fill out your baggage tag with your actual emotional baggage and leave it on the wall of the plane. We thought that was a nice touch.
Prohibited items on the 747At night the playa is lit up by all manner of art cars, camps, art installations, and bikes! It was incredible to see the rainbow of color and creativity behind all of it. The human race is an amazing thing.
A little taste of Burning Man at night.I took a chance and spontaneously decided to participate in the beer mile on Thursday morning. The race required each person to chug a beer every 400 meters. Sound easy? It’s totally not! They required each person to carry a vomit bag with them just in case. No, I did not end up having to use mine and yes I did complete the race with a respectable time of 19:45. I didn’t even come in last place! The unfortunate side effect of chugging four beers in 20 minutes is that you are in fact wasted afterward. I ended up having to walk my bike and myself back to camp to sober up. It was pretty comical.
anniebear pre-Beer MileAll in all, we had a wonderful time. It was dusty, difficult, surprising and most of all wonderful to see all of these people existing together in this space with an open mind and no judgment! It was kind of like being in a more vanilla version of a dungeon, a safe space where everyone could just be themselves.
A beautiful sunset on our last day of Burning ManThe Doctor is In: Medical Play
When writing for an audience that spans beginners to advanced and from weekend warriors to 24/7, it is often hard to find an area that will interest most of our kinky readers. Medical play appears to fit the bill.
Of all the BDSM scenarios I have written about, medical play is the one of a few – such as wax play — where “no experience is necessary.” Except for the more edgy medical scenes, this is one BDSM activity where you can, in the words of Nike, “just do it.”
The beauty of a medical scene is that it is nearly impossible to ruin the D/s structure that is inherent in it. In real life, when the doctor tells the patient to do something, the patient does as told — within proscribed legal and ethical restraints. The doctor is, by definition, the Top; the patient is the bottom. Similarly, in medical play, the “doctor” (or “nurse,” if that is your scene) is the Dominant and the “patient” is the submissive. Other than negotiating limits to be observed during the scene, the D/s structure is automatic. Set it and forget it!
Another wonderful aspect of a medical scene is that elaborate equipment is not necessary to create an awesome medical play space. An ordinary table with a white sheet on it makes as good an examination table as I have seen in some real doctors’ offices! Get a desk (at a yard sale!) and put some 99Cents Store “doctor stuff” on it — cotton balls, bandages, latex examination gloves, Vaseline, alcohol, betadine wash, swabs, etc, — and you have a “doctor’s office” right in your own home. Since medical play is role play, don’t skip the small details. A medical smock with a nametag – or the nurse’s uniform – gives the scene an air of authenticity that many other roleplays lack. Hang a stethoscope around your neck and the doctor is in! (I have no idea what those circular mirrors on a headband are for, but if you are a stickler for details, go for it.) I have heard of a Dom who recorded hospital noises (“Bing, bing…calling Dr. Marx”) on his smartphone and plays them during his medical play sessions. This might seem a bit extreme – but I bet their medical sessions rock!
The range of medical scenes appears limitless. Just a simple “examination” has almost infinite variations and possibilities. Personally, I love giving the breast exam. And what caring doctor wouldn’t also give a vaginal exam to go with it? Or a penis exam with a male sub. But why stop there? A cervical exam with a speculum should be part of any doctor’s exam. But there are other cavities that might need checking. Some doctors and nurses are insistent that there be a full anal prostate probe or a scrotal check-up. And no doctor would forget to take the patient’s temperature rectally. Of course, these reality-based examinations can be expanded into fantasyland. . Other than negotiated limits, you can take this play anywhere your imagination leads you. Alien abduction and examination — including the legendary extraterrestrial anal probe? No problem. Want to play the “mad doctor?” Get your Doctor Doom mask and torture away. There can be prison doctor scenes. A nurse administering an enema, a doctor full-body wrapping a “badly wounded” patient or a nurse taping up an “injured penis” are more scenes that come to mind. And within each scene, you can select a wide variety of BDSM and sex toys to use.
There are terrific medical toys available. The Wartenburg pinwheel (used to test nerve reaction) is a particular favorite of mine. Used on the nipples, the pinwheel can be deemed a modern medical play marvel. And don’t forget the old reflex hammer. The “cupping” machine is great for “suction pulling” nipples and labia. Once a late nineteenth century medical treatment for just about anything, cupping is now almost exclusively used in BDSM play. Funny how they were so ahead of their time! Of course, don’t forget the speculum, the sin qua non of medical BDSM toys. And clamps!
Although beginners can do most of the scenes I have discussed, medical play also encompasses edge play as well. Needle play is often done in the context of a medical scene. What better place to do needle play than in a “doctor’s office”? After all, it is clean and well stocked with antibacterial scrubs and washes. Note: needle play is a very advanced edge play and should not be attempted by a novice.
I think we can all agree that medical play offers a very wide palette of D/s based scenes, some with a very shallow learning curve. In fact, other than the fact that you can’t get paid to be a BDSM “doctor,” it sure is a hell of a lot more fun than being a real one. Or a real patient for that matter!
By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
Coming Out of the Closet(S)!
So many closets, so little time. Well, ok, only two closets, however, I’ve had to come out of them again and again.
When you hear that someone “came out of the closet” you may think, “Good for them, it’s a big step and now they don’t have to worry about it anymore.” What people may not realize is that once you come out – that’s just the FIRST time. Essentially you have to come out every time you meet someone new or run into an old friend or family member who perhaps wasn’t around when you made the big announcement. (That’s how everyone comes out by the way – big loudspeaker type pronouncement over the radio or in a stadium.)
Every time you tell someone new, you run the same risk you did the first time. Will they react positively or with criticism? Will your relationship with them change after this conversation?
When I came out the first time it was at the age of 17 and I came out to my friends as bisexual. (FYI – this is still how I identify – I know – SHOCKER – it wasn’t just a phase…..) I am proud to say I have wonderful friends who totally accepted me and had no issue. I got involved with my LGBT group on my college campus and dated the only other bisexual girl in the group because the lesbians wanted nothing to do with us. (That’s a topic for another day) Fortunately she was just my type and we had a nice time together. It was, however, a short romance and pretty soon after we broke up I started dating the man I would eventually marry.
Fast forward 15 years, marriage, two kids and one divorce later. Time to get back out into the dating pool. I cast out my net to any and all on the typical dating sites. Met a few great people – not great matches however. Then I met a woman – an amazing woman. We dated for a couple years with some bumps in the road. However, it was a serious relationship and I felt that it was time to come out to my parents. Until this point I was “relatively out” – meaning I was out to everyone except my relatives!
So there I was, in my 30’s, coming out to my parents. Thankfully they are both totally supportive. My dad thought perhaps it was a post-divorce phase until I explained that she was not my first female partner.
So then there was the kink/BDSM closet that I had newly discovered as I was going thru my divorce. For many people kink is something they do in the bedroom and they never feel the need to “come out” about it. However, for me it wasn’t only my lifestyle, it was also my job. Only a couple years into the scene I worked as a pro-sub and then a pro-Switch. I eventually felt the pressure to open up to my mom because she kept asking so many questions about my new job in “customer service”. Nice cover, right? Fortunately it coincided with the 50 Shades trilogy and my mom happened to be reading the first one. I used that to come out to her. Her biggest concern was my safety and my happiness. I assured her that I was both safe and happy. She was supportive. She has even attended one of my classes to try and gain more of an understanding – which I thought was super awesome of her!
Shortly thereafter I told my dad and he was accepting as well. All of my friends know and I’m not shy talking about it with new friends I meet. I am a bit more cautious with friends connected to my kids. However, if you read my article titled The Outsider, you will see I didn’t have much to worry about.
I know that many people don’t feel they can come out about their orientation, their BDSM lifestyle, or perhaps both. They may fear family shame, ridicule, or job loss. As for me I feel extremely fortunate to be able to live my life openly.
I am at the point now in my life (perhaps some of it just comes with age) where I figure if you don’t accept me (and all that I am) then I don’t need you in my life. If you want to know more, however, just ask and I will answer any question you have!
I come out of two closets again and again….and I’m proud of both!
Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.
The Vanilla – Kink Pendulum
The signs for me that the pendulum has been hangin’ out on the vanilla end too long are fairly easy for me to read at this point. My stress level seems higher than should be expected in relation to the amount of stress I’m under, or the level that I’m normally able to handle better. I get more irritable, tearful, and emotional. When hormones aren’t to blame I know what is. Too much vanilla time. It’s almost as if my stress doesn’t have a place to go and so it builds and builds.
People may look at my life and wonder how I could ever feel this way. I mean I am in a D/s relationship, I work in the scene, I attend munches, host a play party, etc. How in the world could my life be “too vanilla”?? It’s not so much that my life gets vanilla – kink is always a part of my life since it makes up my livelihood as well as much of my social life. However, if I don’t have enough personal kink I get wound up tighter than a two dollar watch. What do I mean by “personal kink”? I mean play where I’m the bottom. It’s how I relieve my stress and get emotional crap out of my system.
On the other hand there are times when the pendulum swings in the opposite direction. Maybe it’s parties back to back in the same weekend. Maybe it’s multiple scenes in one night. Or perhaps it’s only one scene amongst several kink events within a short amount of time. Whatever the case, I do find myself occasionally needing more “vanilla time”. Not that the D/s dynamic goes away of course, nor my kinky mind. But perhaps it just sounds good to stay home and watch a movie or binge something on Netflix. Craving “down time” with no make-up, my hair piled on my head and a comfy pair of yoga pants. Hanging out with my high school (vanilla) friends or other friends who are outside the scene.
I believe most people swing on this pendulum. It’s nearly impossible to maintain a perfect balance all the time. But that’s really what it’s all about. Balance. Knowing that it’s ok to feel too heavy on one side or the other because you can shift and start to swing the other way. My biggest take away message would be to not let it frustrate you. I see people all the time start to feel irritated when they are missing kink or “life” takes them away from the scene for a while. I get it – I find myself getting flustered as well. Mainly because it manifests itself as the symptoms I listed at the start of this article. However, I try to remind myself that it’s all about priority, finding time, and creating balance. Even if things start to shift in the opposite way that’s alright. You can shift again. We are very lucky in Los Angeles that there are events happening almost every day. So it really is up to us to take control of our pendulum.
Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.
What’s Your Kink?
Obviously, kinks are important; after all we are titled KINK Weekly! So, let’s look at the world of kink!
“Kink” (dictionary.com): bizarre or unconventional sexual preferences or behavior
I do not work for the NBC Poll. But, I would bet that most people have sexual and/or play kinks. In the so-called vanilla world, they are usually viewed in a negative way. As a result, most mainstream commentators think that kinkiness is not the norm. But is anyone truly normal? Besides, normal or not, being kinky can be a lot of fun.
Post “Fifty Shades of Gray,” those even slightly into this lifestyle have a fresher way of looking at kinks and fetishes. Many are accepting that the danger of kinks lies not in having them, but in not acting on them. (We are of course, talking about consensual, legal adult kinks.)
The list of kinks is almost endless. In our handy-dandy Kink Weekly Checklist (below), there are more than two pages. And this is far from complete. Here is the checklist:
Abandonment
Acrophobia – being aroused from heights.
Acrotomophilia – being aroused by amputees.
Agalmatophilia – being aroused by statues.
Ass worship
Barosmia – being aroused by smells.
Being recorded
Body parts (including surgically enhanced)
Bondage
Boot worship
Branding
Brown showers
Catheterization
Chains
Chamber pots
Choking
Clamps
Cock cages
Cock rings
Corsets
Cross-dressing
Dirty sex (literal) – sexual activity in and around dirt, mud, or oil.
Douching
Electricity
Enemas
Erotic dancing
Exhibitionism
Fear play
Feathers/fur
Fire play
Foot worship
Caging
Confinement
Getting pain
Golden showers
Group sex
Cuckolding
Giving pain
Gun play
High heel worship
High Protocol
Humiliation
Immobilization
Infantilism
Knife play
Lactation
Latex
Leather
Lingerie
Medical instruments
Needles
Nuru massage
Obedience
Oral sex
Piercing (temporary and permanent)
Pet play
Piss play
Posing
Prostitution (role play)
Prostitution (real)
Public exposure
PVC
Recording scenes
Rituals
Saline infusion
Saran wrap
Sensory deprivation
Shaving
Skinny-dipping
Sex Slavery
Slut play
Spandex
Spanking
Speculums (anal)
Speculums (vaginal)
Spitting
Swallowing semen
Taking erotic photos
Tasting yourself
Tattoos
Tickling
Training
Uniforms
Voyeurism
Wax play
Wearing fluids
Whips
Wrestling
Writing on submissive
Quite a list. Hard to get bored around here!
We all have at least some of these kinks. “Rituals,” “Slut play” and “Sex Slavery” are just three of my many kinks. And, if you add to the list some of the more common “vanilla” fetishes such as the ever-popular “big breast” fetish, you can see that the only people without kinks and fetishes are those that don’t admit to having them. Think of our list as a “Kink Buffet”: pick out those that turn you on, skip the ones that don’t!
So, how do you find a partner to indulge your kinky needs? The best way is this super-effective technique, exclusive to Kink Weekly that I will share with you. Just ask (even at the risk of getting slapped) every prospective partner, “What’s your kink?” (Thus, the title of the article. It took awhile, but we got there!) This line works – even in vanilla settings. It has an edginess and gets to the point rather quickly.
Since everyone has a kink, why not find out if someone’s perversions dovetail into yours? “What’s your kink,” or the alternate “What’s your fetish?” asked even at a vanilla bar, might just be the ticket!
And in future issues, we will spotlight many of these kinks both in word and image. Here at Kink Weekly, we want our members to be able to “scratch that kinky itch.” Because if you don’t, you might have a permanent frown on your face!
By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
A Third Leg
No, this article is not about giant members. lol
So I was watching talk shows the other day. Well, I use the term “watching” loosely. More like glancing up at the TV occasionally while they were running in the background as I helped my kids with homework. Anyway, on one of the talk shows a co-host was mentioning something about how people have been saying that couples last longer if they have a “third leg”. She went on to describe what this meant. Basically she was referring to things like having kids, shared TV shows (and being able to watch them together thanks to streaming networks), a common hobby, etc. Something they can focus their attention on as a couple that is outside of themselves.
The reason for the “third leg” being helpful in keeping couples together and interested in one another is that it gives them something to talk about and connect over. It’s amazing how much people will thank streaming networks for saving their marriage! Especially since it used to be that if a couple only had kids to connect over they were at a loss once the kids moved out. Now with external entertainment at our fingertips we have much more to interact about for an infinite amount of time.
This got me thinking however, about those of us into kink and/or polyamory.
We have those same things to connect over, TV shows, maybe kids for those in the scene that share children, perhaps common vanilla hobbies as well. However, in addition we share kink. For some it is like another hobby we enjoy together, for others it’s our lifestyle. Either way it’s something else we share with our partner(s) and look forward to. If we play then we look forward to that – maybe planning scenes or deciding which parties to attend. If we are involved in a power exchange relationship then we may spend time together communicating about rules, protocol, etc.
When it comes to poly it’s an entirely new level. If there are other partners then (similar to kids) you have another (or other) actual people to connect over, communicate about, plan things with, and talk to. With or without other partners you may still be communicating about how poly will work for you. Discussing finding a new partner or partners. Perhaps you go out together to meet potential play partners, lovers, and/or life mates. There are those that have other partners and are also looking for additional partners. I don’t know where they find the time, but that’s just me! Also unlike kids, additional partners don’t necessarily fall under the same developmental timeline of growing up and moving out or away from you. This doesn’t mean that poly relationships don’t end, however, you are then able to continue opening up to others in the attempt to find and unite with new people. You can’t just go out and try to find new kids to replace the ones that left for college!
The point of all this is that if you’re involved in kink, poly relationships, or both – you have opened up a whole new world of “third leg” possibilities to connect over. This not only keeps life interesting, but our relationships as well.
Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.