bdsm communication

The Pitfalls Of Guiding Others In The BDSM, Fetish, and Kink Communities

August 5, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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We all believe we have something to contribute, and we do. Just because I have expertise in one area of kink, does not mean the knowledge and perspective of someone else who is less experienced is any less valuable. Others want to know what we know! It is why so many forums about kink exist.

These platforms give us a place to learn from others and hopefully find help with our own growth. Sometimes those conversations migrate away from munches and kinks. People newer to the Lifestyle look for people they click with, to help guide them. Mentors.

However there seems to be a scarcity of available mentors forcing too many to seek their information solely from online platforms. This is worrisome as the nuance of kink and the bond is missed when firsthand observations are not available. I do not think it an understatement that mentoring in our community is more important than ever.

Understandably, many who have been in kink for a long time are overwhelmed by the numbers of new people to kink. Quite simply, in my experience, we are far outnumbered. This brings a new set of challenges in mentoring and guiding others. We want, and like, to help other people who genuinely care to learn. However, sometimes we have to be careful what we wish for, we might just get it, and then some. As mentors, we can get in over our heads.

What is Mentoring?

We do talk about mentoring a lot in forums and other venues, but what is a mentor? By definition, a mentor is an experienced and trusted advisor who provides guidance and possibly training. It’s a relationship designed to pass knowledge, to help others avoid mistakes we may have made ourselves, and a way we can learn more about ourselves through teaching others. By virtue of the relationship, the mentor is taking on a responsibility, less formal than having a submissive, but more formal than a mere friend. The responsibility of being a guide.

Mentoring can be immensely rewarding. There is a joy that goes with helping someone else succeed. We get to reexperience some of the things we have learned as we came up. Often, we begin remembering lessons we learned, and have since forgotten, or just started taking for granted. We learn new perspectives, as often our mentees see things in a different light than we do. We are challenged, to help solve issues we may never have considered before. As a result of all these things, we grow also.

Like any other type of relationship, mentoring has traps and pitfalls which are easily fallen into if we, do not take the time to think things through. Please, don’t take this as me trying to scare you off. I am not! However, if this can save you some pain in the process, then why shouldn’t I share what I have learned? Here are just a few of the more common ones.

Things to Consider

Time Management: Have you ever been involved in an activity or organization where you got to the point, “Damn, this is eating up all my spare time! How did I get here?” I have, on more than one occasion. It was my own fault. I failed to set personal boundaries regarding my time, and kept saying yes to things, when I really should have said no. That drive to help blinded me. As a result, other things in my life suffered, or the organization I was volunteering for or mentee suffered. There are only so many hours in the day, guard them wisely.

If we take on a mentoring role, real thought should be given regarding how much time you can dedicate without doing ourself, or our mentee a disservice. There may be times you have to decline being a mentor, just because, you do not have the time. That doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t try to help occasionally, just we may not be able to help as much as they would like us to.

Ask these questions- How much time can I give this person on a weekly or monthly basis? How much time do they believe they need from me? Do these line up? Is there somewhere in the middle that would work for both of us? How is the time I plan to give to the mentee going to impact the other parts of my life?

Making Your Goals Theirs: It is easy for us to project what we want to accomplish onto another person. We’ve done something, it worked, why not? Because it’s not our journey, it’s theirs.

As a mentor, in my opinion, our job is not to guide the mentee to a specific result, but to act as a road map. To present options, provoke thought, encourage growth and progress, be a sounding board, and share perspectives. We can and should be the legend on the map, “There be dragons here!!!” Yet ultimately, whether they go to meet the dragons is the mentee’s choice. We want them to make good decisions, to do that, they need to be presented with the options and consequences of those options, both good and bad. Once that is done, it is up to them.

Ask them up front- What are your expectations from me as a mentor? What are your goals? What are you interested in learning?

Sure, there are the fundamentals in the Lifestyle, I believe, everyone should be introduced to such as safety, respect, and core values. Beyond those things, we help guide the mentee toward what they would like to achieve while pointing out possible traps along the way.

Assuming We Can Fix Them: I am so guilty of this. Some people never really wanted our help in the first place, or they get into kink and the Lifestyle for all the wrong reasons. We make assumptions about being able to turn them around thinking, “If I can just get them to understand this (fill in the blank),” and other variations of that thought. If we find ourselves on this track of thinking, the relationship is no longer about how we can help them, it is about us not wanting to fail. Failure sucks! I get it.

What you may not realize at that point, is that you didn’t fail. You were set up for it and it’s no one’s fault. Some people just are not ready to listen or be helped even if they are expressing otherwise. Recognizing this and knowing when to end a mentoring relationship can be difficult. However, if you do not you are going to wind up hurting yourself, and little or nothing will have changed for your mentee. They must be ready to learn and want to learn for the right reasons.

Making Decisions for the Mentee: “What do you think I should do?” Is a common question I am asked by a mentee. Making decisions can be hard business, why wouldn’t they want their experienced guide to make it for them? I have made this mistake as a mentor, as well as having been guilty of trying to get some of my mentors to make decisions for me. As hard as it is to remain neutral when guiding someone, being that middle grounds and pointing out options will be better for them, and you, in the end.

People become more invested in their success, if it was their success. Conversely, they learn from their mistakes more readily when they can’t blame it on someone else. They choose, good or bad result, it was their choice. When the mentee gets to own the good and the bad, they grow. We need to allow them to do that, even though it can be cringy and painful to watch at times.

Sometimes the Best Way to Learn is to Teach

Mentoring is a great tool and can be a phenomenal experience for both the mentor and mentee. I would strongly encourage anyone who is interested, to give it some serious thought. Not just Tops, Dominants and Masters…… bottoms, submissives and slaves. It takes all walks to fill these roles in our community. And you get something out of it too!!!!

We get to learn about ourselves, find new ways to look at old lessons we had learned, and get a unique opportunity to challenge our own assumptions about kink and the lifestyle. Throughout the process we get the satisfaction of seeing someone grow and develop in a way which is healthy for them and hopefully mold them into an asset for the community.

There will be highs and lows along the way, but in the end, it is worth it. Hopefully, what I wrote hasn’t discouraged you, and maybe armed you with some information to make your mentoring experiences better. Whatever you do, remember to have fun with it!

Make the experience something worthwhile for both of you.

Humiliation and Degradation

June 4, 2021 By SafferMaster 2 Comments

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You have heard or seen humiliation and or degradation before in sexual scenes. The Dominatrix says to her sub “You are a dirty little sissy slut, and Mistress is going to fuck your useless ass”, or you have seen it in porn, for example, the submissive tied up kneeling on the bathroom floor with her mouth open and the word “toilet” scrawled on her body and face as a variety of men stand around urinating on her and in her mouth.

What is it about humiliation and degradation that plays so powerfully as a fetish in kink?

There is an arousal response that occurs when someone is humiliated. The arousal response is the constellation of physiological changes—e.g., increased muscle tension, tachycardia and secretion of catecholamines—which help prepare the body for expenditure of a large amount of energy; also known as. the “fight-or-flight response”. For some people, that response occurs to them as sexually arousing.

The fight or flight response can occur as sexual arousal because the sexual arousal response is quite similar in some ways to the fight or flight response. The sexual arousal response is the sequence of physical and emotional changes that occur as a person becomes sexually aroused. It occurs in 3 phases. It’s during the first 2 phases of the sexual arousal response, desire (or libido) and arousal (excitement) that the person who finds humiliation and degradation arousing experiences the fight or flight response as arousing.

I have had submissives who are aroused by fear. The fear of being punished, the fear of being used hard and so on. Well in the case of these submissive women, their fear is compressed with their feelings of sexual arousal and so they seek situations where they can be humiliated or degraded as part of their sexual self-expression.

During the first phase of sexual arousal, which can last from a few minutes to several hours, (like in a play scene), a person may experience any of the following:

– Muscle tension increase

– Heart rate quickening

– More rapid breathing

– Flushing of the skin

– Nipple erection and hardening

– Genital blood flow increases resulting in erection of the penis and swelling of the labia and clitoris

– Vaginal lubrication begins and vaginal walls swell

– The breasts become fuller

– The testes swell and the scrotum tightens, and he begins secreting lubricating liquid

This list represents all the physical changes that could occur during this phase, but its quite conceivable that a person may experience one or more of these symptoms directly as a result of being humiliated or degraded which illustrates how humiliation and degradation can be interpreted as sexually arousing. During the second phase of sexual arousal, those changes listed are intensified with breathing, heart rate and blood pressure also increasing. It’s easy to imagine how the fight or flight response can be experienced as sexual arousal because the physiological changes that occur in either one are so similar to each other.

There are whole kink constructs developed around humiliation and degradation. Take the example of the husband with a tiny penis who is cuckhold by his wife who dates men with much large dicks and who constantly humiliates him by saying things like “you could never satisfy me with that tiny dick” or “put that in a cage, its not needed any more, a real man will fuck me” and so on. I recently met such a small penis kinkster who is 8 months in chastity and who is being sissified by his Mistress who humiliates him to the point that he is required to dress in women’s lingerie and service her and the large-dicked men, also known as Bulls, she brings home. To please her, he fluffs the Bull and cleans her pussy or ass after he fucks her, and then he cleans the Bull’s dick. He does not identify as gay or bi. His entire world of sexual arousal is based on humiliation and degradation, and for sure that is just one example of a hundred possible scenarios. On the other hand, in a typical heterosexual relationship, the male partner may experience arousal when his partner says things to him like “I’m going to fuck your sissy ass” while she fingers his ass and massages his prostate, with that level of humiliation being more than enough to sexually arouse him to his satisfaction. Similarly, my slut likes me to call her “a dirty girl”, and “a filthy whore” because she enjoys ass to mouth, which I also love. I will also add that as a sexual sadist, I get a certain rise out of doing things that are humiliating or degrading to my slut. From putting her in a cage with ginger in her ass to pissing down her throat after I have caned her ass, these acts cause a sexually arousing physiological response in me as well as in her such that we both thrive sexually.

Consider that something occurs as humiliating only if the person being targeted with the humiliating task or phrase experience the phrase or task as humiliating. At the same time, I humiliate my slut by calling her a “filthy whore”, which arouses her, and so even though its clearly degrading to call her – someone I love – a” filthy whore’, in context it serves to arouse her.

The argument then, is that for humiliation and degradation to make sense in a sexual scene, the target of that humiliation and degradation needs to be sexually aroused by the humiliation. If I were to call my slut “a filthy whore” and it has the impact of making her feel bad, then that would take her out of a sexual context and disrupt the scene.

When I piss in my slut’s ass, it is a very dominant act that is degrading to her on one level, but on another level, she is deeply aroused by my doing so, to the point that she masturbates vigorously while I do so.

When I put her in pussy chastity and made her an ass whore for a month, was that humiliating? Well, it is degrading to be told you are in chastity for a month for sure, but she loves anal sex and while she got sexually frustrated at her pussy not being used, she loved getting related to her ass as a sex organ at the same time.

Humiliation and degradation are kinks. They are a fetish, but unlike say, flogging, which is very much physical, they are kinks that expand the dynamic. They do so as either direct or indirect stimuli. They are not always as direct as impact play for example. Whether its direct like chastity, or indirect like a phrase, incorporating humiliation and degradation into your dynamic is really about getting into your partner’s head.

All sexual encounters are ultimately psychological encounters in the end. Sure, sex itself is physical, but it is the degree of arousal and the intensity of the experience that fetishes and kinks play on that make the experience more psychological than physical, and more intense physically.

We are very kinky people. We live in a 24/7 TPE. Consider that. It is an always on, total power exchange. She has gifted me her power when it comes to our sexual dynamic and our relationship. This means that when I tell her to get ready, she stops what she is doing, she goes off to the bathroom and she prepares herself to be a 3-hole whore. She prepares herself like she is going out on a date, she makes up her face, she voids her bowel and bladder, she crawls to the living room and she kneels on the floor to wait for me to use her. She understands that whatever I choose to do, she is prepared for. I have her complete consent. This is based in trust. She knows me as a sensual sadist and a generous lover. She knows that I love her and that I do not break my toys. She also knows that there is nothing wrong and so it is of no concern to me or her if she reds out. With that knowledge she will literally do whatever I ask her to do in order to please me, because she belongs to me and she is my service slut. The degrading things I do to her, from a daily maintenance spanking to pissing in her ass or down her throat are just part of her experience of deep arousal and they heat up our already hot scenes so that when we play, we experience every sexual encounter with each other as a very intense encounter which is so very steamy that we are left quite literally exhausted after we play.

Humiliation and degradation are absorbed into our dynamic and they keep our sexual self-expression hotter and more exciting than ever. And the key thing is that she is aroused by being used when I use her in a degrading way or when I say the humiliating things I say to her, she is deeply aroused. For example, imagine how she must be feeling to have the overwhelming urge to masturbate and slap her clit hard while I am pissing in her ass at the end of a scene. She does this volitionally and organically and not because I gave her an instruction to do so. It is her self-expression as she explores her experience of intense arousal during a degrading act.

I could write this article about any aspect of our TPE. Remember, it always boils down to consent. Every kink you engage in as a Dom with an s-type MUST start with consent.

With consent, anything goes. Even humiliation and degradation.

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

How To Effectively Cope With Jealousy

April 2, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 4 Comments

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We all know how this works with medical issues. If I have a cough, I could take some over the counter medication or cough drops and treat the symptom. However, that cough may be related to allergies, or asthma. It could be related to pneumonia, or covid. Treating the symptom is only going to get me so far when the underlying issue is still at work in my body, causing problems.

So why is that when people experience “negative” emotions they assume that’s where the problem stops? “Oh, I’m just jealous. Everyone feels that way sometimes.”

Just jealous? Why are you experiencing that emotion?

Jealousy, like any other emotion, is merely the end result of a chain that starts somewhere in the brain and ends with a feeling. The question, as always, is where does it start, and how do we address the root cause?

There can be two ways to get there. The obvious one people give in to, is allowing their jealousy (or other feeling they don’t enjoy) to turn to anger at feeling bad and to throw that anger at their partner until what they are really upset about finally tumbles out from between their lips, if they get that far. My recommendation instead of choosing the destructive route is to take some time for introspection. Rather than allowing myself to act on a feeling of jealousy or frustration, irritation or anger, I spend time with it. I love it and caress it and talk to it for a while. Sometimes I even name it George. I ask it to show me what was bothering it, the way I would any friend who came to me with a problem. It is usually happy to accommodate my gentle coaxing in a way that doesn’t alienate my partner.

Because that’s really what all of this is about, isn’t it? Better, more positive communication, yes?

Perhaps the root isn’t that my partner is spending time with someone else, perhaps it is because the time we’ve spent together seems less like quality time and more like two people on their phones. Perhaps I’m upset because I’m not feeling special, or maybe I’m even mistaking one emotional response for another. When envy is the feeling of wanting what someone else has and jealousy is the feeling of being afraid to lose what you already have, they are easily mistaken for one another. Throw in the concept of “fear of missing out” and that’s quite a tangled ball to unravel before getting the heart of things. Some people can’t go through this process alone, so for them I always suggest they have a kink / poly aware counselor help them untangle where those feelings are coming from.

The important part is where you communicate these things to partners. Don’t freeze them out or pretend everything is okay. Let them know you’re working through stuff and you’ll let them know when you figure it out. Don’t take forever to do that, of course, or they will no longer trust your process. Continue to be affectionate while you sort out your shit. There’s no reason to punish them for your feelings. Once you’ve figured out what you need or desire in order to improve the situation, to address the root, be sure to do that in clear concise language, avoiding language which blames your partner. If you hadn’t – if you didn’t – when you make me feel. BZZZZZZZT! Nope. Try positive statements, such as I would like more attention, I’m feeling like I haven’t seen much of you lately, I want to feel important to you.

It can be easy to assume a feeling is its own issue as a standalone, but how often is that actually true? It is important for us to understand ourselves in order to effectively communicate that within the context of a relationship. The better we get at determining where these roots begin, the easier it will become to address those things before they begin to become bigger problems.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Communications Methods For Kinksters

January 17, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

For the majority of the time I have been involved in the lifestyle, there has been a common theme amongst kinksters. It is the belief that communication in the cornerstone of BDSM. Anytime newer individuals ask for advice, we tend to repeat the same mantra.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Kink, and BDSM, allow us to delve deep into our darkest desires. It often can leave you vulnerable and sometimes a little broken. It can be cathartic when done right and dangerous when done wrong. You can laugh and cry. You can scream or moan. You can curse, and growl, and talk in tongues. You can be anything you want to be and do anything you want to do (within the lines of consent).

However, to get to a place of trust and security, to which you can achieve these things, you must communicate.

Unfortunately, I think there is one aspect we, as seasoned kinksters, often overlook when offering this kind of advice.

What happens if you don’t know how?

What if you have learned (through past trauma) that your thoughts and opinions don’t matter? What if you were trained to obey and never question? What if you have low self-esteem and do not know how to express yourself to a partner? Why if you are shy? What if your knowledge is limited and you do not know how to ask for help? What if you are overwhelmed by the endless possibilities?

What if you cannot figure out how to navigate the commonplace answer that tells you, “kink is what you make it and it is never the same for two people?” (And yes, while I agree this is an accurate description, it does nothing to help new individuals who are reaching out for advice).

How do you communicate?

My family has faced these challenges. In fact, for the last year, we have had such a breakdown in communication with one partner, it has threatened the strength and security with our other partners.

Three of us have learned to communicate. We have learned to talk to each other logically. We have learned to listen. We know how to barter and negotiate. We know how to trust.

We assumed our other partner knew how to as well. We have learned, quite painfully, that they have not learned to express themselves in the same way that we do. Our communication methods do not match, and because of that, we have been at odds for a long time.

Through much trial and error, we have come up with alternative methods of communication. While it sometimes takes more effort on our part to understand what is trying to be said, it has opened the pathways for better understanding.

I wanted to share some of these methods with you, just in case you have been where I am.

1. Journaling— write down your thoughts, questions, wants, needs, desires, problems, triumphs, dreams, and nightmares. They do not need to make sense. Write as chaotic as your mind is. Put your thoughts to paper so they stop cluttering up your mind. If you wish to later, you can refer to it. You can choose to have a partner read it or keep it for yourself. Writing everything down allows you to reflect on your thoughts and feelings when your mind is clearer.

**I find that journaling is a technique often used in a D/s dynamic. Master required I journal as well. He rarely read it. However, he wanted me to be able to track my own growth. He still has me refer to it from time to time, just to see my own strength of character as well as how my own interests have changed/shaped my development as His submissive.

2) Writing/Emailing/Texting—I referenced writing above as a more “old-school” journaling aspect. However, I am aware of how everything has turned digital now. Regardless of what medium we use, sometimes it is just easier to not look someone in the face when you talk to them. Whether you struggle to formulate your thoughts or experience anxiety when your words may upset a partner, writing it out, in any format listed above, gives you time to put the thoughts together concisely. It allows you to add or remove bits and pieces until you are satisfied with what it is you are trying to say. You can use it to express everything or just to get the conversation started. It is a wonderful way to work up to face-to-face conversations.

**I do caution against relying solely on written communication. It is often hard to read moods in text form and is negates the option of reading body language completely. Both of those are important forms of communication for humans.

3) Share your playlist— have you ever had a song just resonate with you? One that comes to mean more than just another song on the radio. I have. I use this method often. I send the lyric videos so that they can read the words as they listen. Most often, the genre of music doesn’t matter, it’s the message behind the music.

**If you need an example, go to YouTube and search “control” by Zoe Wees. You will get a small glimpse into my mind.

**If you need a second example, search out “A little Piece of Heaven” by Avenged Sevenfold (it is definitely NSFW). For those of you who follow my writings, you will remember a scene I wrote that involved listening to a song because it incites rage within me. This is that song.

4) Be Clear Headed— Never discuss anything under the influence of high emotions. Take a breather. Come back to it when you are calm. The same principle applies to any mind-altering substances. Alcohol and recreational drugs can also cloud your judgement and will not aide in solving any issues that arise.

5) Listen— Sometimes all you need to do to communicate is to listen. If everyone is trying to be heard, but nobody listens, nothing changes. Listen, repeat back what you understand, rinse and repeat until you reach an understanding.

6) Recognize the Right to Privacy— There are things you discuss with one person, that may need to stay between just you two. That is understandable. We are adults. This rule does more often apply to poly relationships but can refer to individuals who have multiple play partners, Service Tops, Friends with Benefits, or has an ex that they stay in contact with for whatever reason.

**Keep in mind, anything that is a danger to yourself or others should not be kept private. It should be shared with the necessary individuals (such as doctors, police, etc) who can provide the help that person may need. This is also true when talking about fluid bonding and the risks for STIs.

7) Patience— Remember, everyone processes things differently. Some individuals may need you to repeat yourself, reword a sentence, or explain a definition. This does not reflect badly on either one of you. It simply means you each need to have care in how you say things.

8) Separate Topics– Keep the “good job” conversations separate from the “this needs work” ones. Avoid the word “but” when possible.

Example:

I’m glad you did this but…

Thank you for that but….

You are such a good girl but….

I know you tried but…

**Each of these sentences will simply bring your partner down. If your partner already struggles with anxiety, low self-esteem, or mental health issues, this may lead them to just shut down and stop communicating all together.

An Alternative Example:

I appreciate your help with the laundry today. I wanted to make sure you are aware that we wash clothes on “cold” to prevent them from shrinking.

This is a legit conversation I had to have with someone. They tried to do something nice by helping with the laundry. My favorite shirt was dyed pink and half my clothes shrunk because they washed the load on hot. I also ended up with an allergic reaction because they used the wrong detergent. This does not negate that their heart was in the right place. So, I thanked them and then calmly informed them of what to do the next time to prevent such issues. While this may not be a major issue in your home, these principles can be applied to almost any situation.

This is, by no means, a comprehensive list. Communication is about two (or more) people sharing what is in their mind. It is about listening and understanding. Whether you are negotiating a kinky scene or figuring out what is for dinner, communication is key. Regardless of how well some of us read body language and anticipate your needs, we are not mind readers. If you do not know what you want and need, we won’t know either.

Take what you will from these options. In the end, it doesn’t really matter how you communicate. It simply matters that you are.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Honest Communication in BDSM

January 16, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

You’ve seen the memes that list it and perhaps heard the stand-up comedians joke about it.
You can search for “things women say and what they really mean” and find a ton of pages and links.
Here’s a list from http://www.lifebuzz.com/9-phrases/ that cover most of my “favorites”:

#1. Fine. This is the word used to end an argument when she is right and you better shut up. Don’t even say another word!
#2. Nothing. If you ask her what’s wrong and she says nothing, then something is definitely wrong. Stay on your toes. Many arguments can start over “nothing” and then end with “fine.” Refer to #1.
Note: If she says “no really, there’s nothing wrong” then she really means there’s nothing wrong.
#3. Loud sigh. This is a non-verbal hint that you are being an idiot and she’s wondering why you are wasting time standing there and arguing about “nothing.” Refer to #2.
#4. Go ahead. This is like a double dare and it’s definitely not permission. She wants you to make the right decision, so rethink what you are about to do!
#5. Don’t worry about it, I got it. This means she’s asked you to do something several times and you didn’t so now she’s doing it herself. Uh-oh! This may result in you asking her later “what’s wrong” to which she will most likely respond “nothing.” Refer to #2.
#6. That’s okay. This is a very dangerous warning signal. She’s will be thinking long and hard about how you will pay for what you did.
#7. Five minutes. If she is getting ready this could mean 15-40 minutes, results may vary. But if you are watching the game, 5 minutes is exactly 300 seconds.
#8. Whatever. This means go to hell. You’re in big trouble! You may even feel a chill in the air.
#9. Thanks. She is thanking you. Don’t even question it, just say you’re welcome. But if she says “thanks A LOT” then that’s meant as sarcasm and you should definitely not say “you’re welcome” then she will reply with “whatever.” Refer to #8.

Now – there’s a reason people joke about this – from a distance it comes across as something funny that we see in sitcoms. We laugh because, unfortunately, many of us can relate. Whether it’s because we have used this language ourselves or heard it from our partner or former partners.
I have a plea…… STOP!

This language, by the way, can be used by anyone. Women do not own the market on this. If you use this language please examine what you’re doing and how it aids in your relationship and communication with your partner. (I’m guessing in an unhealthy or destructive ways.) If you’re not happy about something then say that. If you’re not ok with your partner doing x, y, or z be honest about it – don’t tell them “it’s ok” then berate and “punish” them later. It’s not fair and it’s not honest. It creates a trust issue as well. I have, personally, had to unravel partner’s belief systems that were influenced by their past relationships. I would tell them I was ok with x, y, and z and they literally didn’t believe me! I had to slowly prove to them that what I said was what I meant. This should not be a foreign concept.

Please stop playing games. Communicate with compassion and curiosity – it will get you much further.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

bdsm communication

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