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TRUST: The Sub’s Point of View

February 19, 2018 By Baadmaster 8 Comments

When you first enter the BDSM lifestyle, you invariably hear the word “trust” mentioned a lot. Obviously, once you consent to being tied up, you must trust your dominant. In a D/s relationship, you trust that his/her decisions will be, on balance, good ones. If others are involved in play situations, you trust that your Master tells you the truth with respect to any additional partners. Thus, the statement that “D/s is based on trust” has a lot of truth within it.

In our lifestyle, and in interpersonal relationships in general, trust is one of the hardest things to judge. “Can I trust him/her?” is a tough question to answer. In a society where people meet total strangers online, with few personal references, it is hard to know whom to trust. Can examining different aspects of “trust” shed some light on how to evaluate a potential dominant? Let’s give it a try.

As I see it, there are two kinds of trust. The first type is what I term “scening trust.” The beauty of BDSM play is that it sets up an objective way to evaluate this area of trust. After a few scenes, or even just one, you can assess the “trust level” of just about anyDom/me by answering the following questions.

Is the Dom/me as skillful as he/she first claimed to be? Did the dominant exaggerate his/her skill level? Did he/she answer your pre-scening questions truthfully? Were there any “truth” red flags? This is not only a question to determine how well suited a dominant is to you, but it also answers questions about his/her basic integrity.

Did the Dominant allow a safe word? I personally believe that some rare couples can eventually dispense with a safe word – but only after they know how they play. But, if a dominant categorically refuses to allow the use of a safe word in your initial scenes, trust is then a major issue.

Did the Dom/me stop immediately upon hearing your safe word? If the answer is “no,” trust can be totally killed.

Was the Dom/me interested in your well-being? Was he/she totally self-indulgent even at the peril of safety? Did he/she give you aftercare?

Did the Dom/me exude an aura of competence that made you feel safe? When the play gets more edgy – such as needle play — the level of requisite trust escalates. Do you trust him to keep you safe in all play situations?

It is fairly easy to evaluate a Dom/me when you are using scene standards. If your answers to the five questions are all positive ones, you are off to a good start. And, if your situation is a play-only deal, you can just evaluate trust from strictly scening point of view.

It is in the area of emotional trust that the lines often become blurred.

What makes an “unsafe emotional player” is a totally subjective call. Yet, this is as important a criterion as “scene trust.” After all, physical damage (unless severe) heals faster than psychic damage. In the emotional trust area, I propose five more questions that must be answered before you can totally trust a potential Dom/me.

Did the Dom/me lie to you at any time? This is pretty basic stuff. But, one must be super-vigilant at the beginning. I am not saying, “One strike and you’re out!” There can be extenuating circumstances or the lie might be a forgivable one (at the option of the lie-ee.) But, honesty is the foundation of trust.

Is the Dom/me as consistent in real life as he/she is during play? It is important that the qualities that the Dom/me brings to play – concern for your welfare, competence, consistency – are brought to the day-to-day aspects of your relationship.

Did the Dom/me bum-rush you with an “insta-collar?” This can be fun; I am open-minded. But, it not the most effective way to establish trust which, like it or not, is built up over time.

Is the Dom/me totally open with you? Does the dominant avoid certain questions or shade the truth? Does he/she address your concerns in a straightforward manner?

Does the Dom/me make any demands that seem unreasonable? If the first thing a potential dominant says is, “Give me your paycheck,” “Slaves have no property” or something similar right off the bat, you can bet establishing trust is not his/her first priority. This is especially important if one is playing the Fin Domme game – make sure the Domme is reasonable and is not looking to leave you homeless and penniless.

If you break down trust in this two-part way – play trust and emotional trust – you can evaluate your potential dominant’s “trust factor” in a more objective way. In this way, you can protect your body and your psyche!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

SUPERMAN SYNDROME

January 29, 2018 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

One of the most insidious problems that plague many D/s relationships is what I call the “Superman (or Superwoman) Syndrome.” This is where the slave/submissive has found a Master/Mistress and ascribes an almost God-like perfection to him/her. When the Dominant encourages this mindset, the problem can be further exacerbated. Unfortunately, many Masters/Mistresses encourage it; after all, it is flattering to be thought of as perfect. Of course, if “Master or Mistress as God” is the basis of your relationship, you can skip this article. Or read it for fun!

The trouble is, when a Master/slave relationship progresses to the point where “Superman Syndrome” is one of its cornerstones, time and familiarity can quickly topple the D/s hierarchy. After a while – especially if the slave moves in with the Master — the slave comes to see the Master as a flesh and blood person, warts and all. Although the slave might expect to find these human flaws, he/she might also start to see the Master/Mistress as a bit less of the power figure that he/she was at the beginning of the relationship. And this could easily lead to its unraveling.

Although relationships are never simple, and advice only works flawlessly for Dr. Phil, avoiding the “Superman Syndrome” is relatively easy. To a great extent, it falls on the shoulders of the Dominant to quickly identify it and nip it in the bud. Respect is great; blind worship, although it can be ego-inflating, is usually, with exceptions, not a good thing. Thus, the Dominant must not encourage this way of thinking. It will eventually come back to bite him/her in the ass; so discouraging this attitude is actually in his/her own self interest. The Master should be able to point out that he/she is not infallible. Taking responsibility for and admitting mistakes is a great way to inspire loyalty and respect. (Of course, don’t make tons of mistakes. Try to make wise decisions!) A bit of modesty and even self-deprecation – in a humorous yet Domly way – is a great way to lower “Godlike expectations.” Furthermore, the Dominant should not hide who he/she really is; he should try to be transparent and not manipulate what the slave sees. (If he/she likes watching wrestling and has a collection of “The Rock” action figures, he/she shouldn’t hide them when the slave comes over!) He should just be himself; otherwise he will be contributing, consciously or unconsciously, to “Superman Syndrome.” And he will be setting himself up for failure.

From the slave’s point of view, don’t expect perfection from a Master/Mistress just because you look up to him/her. The slave’s respect for the Dominant should not be dependant on how “perfect” the Master or Mistress is. It should be based on a broader life profile. It is one thing to be in awe of your Dom/me; it is quite another thing to set him/her up as a God. He/she is human. If you build him up too high, you are setting him/her up for a fall. If you have reasonable expectations, it is a bonus when they are exceeded. If you set them too high, failure will invariably be the result.

The bottom line is that trust and respect are earned over time. If we rate the D/s aspect of a relationship from 1-10, it is better to start at “8” and build up to “10” than to start at “10” and watch it decline. It is counterproductive to look upon someone as perfect – or to demand they look at you that way – from the get-go. It is much more effective to earn “perfection points” as the relationship progresses. As the saying goes, “Castles made of sand fall into the sea, eventually.” And ascribing an unearned perfection to someone prematurely is really building one’s D/s castle out of sand.

In a subsequent article I will tackle “Supersub Syndrome,” wherein a Dominant expects perfection from a submissive.

Rituals: Part 2

November 27, 2017 By slave_bunny Leave a Comment

Since rituals are such a big and broad topic, I would like to continue my article from the previous week (click here for article).

In my last article, I touched mostly on how rituals are beneficial in power exchange relationships. This week I would like to piggy back on that topic and provide a more in-depth guide on how to pick them and implement them.

Rituals Must Be Enjoyed and/or Valued By All Parties Involved

First of all, in my opinion, rituals must be enjoyed and/or valued by all parties involved. If one person is just doing it out of obligation, in time, it will grow to be thought of as a hassle. If this occurs, the ritual would not be serving its purpose. It has to be looked forward to by all parties involved or serve a practical purpose that the sub understands the importance of.

For instance, check- ins are often a great ritual to implement. Check- ins are a required text or phone call sent to the Dom by the submissive when he or she safety makes it to a destination. This ritual may not be enjoyed, but there definitely is a practical safety component to it.

Other rituals, as I mentioned previously, are just to allot time for service and/or spending time together such as pleasing rituals and greeting rituals.

Also, some rituals are put in place to make sure the Dom’s needs are met, such as filling their water cup after they come home from work or preparing a shower for them in the morning. These rituals serve to make the Dom’s life easier, so he or she has more time to serve the relationship. For example, I have very specific rituals I do in our home to help my Master such as cleaning his retainer or bringing him his morning coffee.

Rituals should also be something that the sub can be trained to do. The Dom must give the sub what he or she can realistically learn to do innately. If this cannot be achieved it will be hard for the ritual to be maintained healthily long term.

It’s very easy to do a ritual for a month. But especially in very established relationships, you should be thinking about what can be sustained for a year, two years, etc. Or at least have a plan of action for when you want the ritual to be modified or talked about with all parties.

Deciding Which Rituals to Implement

When deciding what rituals to implement many things should be considered such as all partner’s schedules, all partner’s needs, the relationship’s needs, and what all parties can realistically handle and do consistently.

Rituals can be updated, changed, and modified at any given time depending on where the relationship is and where all parties are emotionally, physically etc. If a ritual isn’t working, don’t be afraid to talk with your partner(s) about why it isn’t working. Power exchange relationships are all about flexibility, communication, trial and error, and modification. It’s perfectly okay to try something and then admit that it didn’t work out the way you thought it would. This goes for Doms too. After all, Doms are fallible people.

Also, the rituals that you implement one year may not work the next year based on changing life circumstances. This is perfectly normal too. All rituals should be adjusted and talked about as life throws new curve balls your way. Always have a plan of action in place, but be ready to change that plan of action as life surprises you.

However, never implement something that does not have a shot at being done correctly and consistently from the get-go.

It’s very easy to live in a dream world where the sub greets the Dom every day dressed to the nines, but how realistic is that?

Also, the Dom should take the sub’s state into account every day, and if necessary, be willing to deviate from the usual rituals if the sub truly needs it. I am in NO WAY saying that Doms should let their subs get out of doing rituals on a daily basis. The sub should be pushed on most days to perform the rituals as outlined. But, if for an example a family tragedy hits or a sub has the flu, the Dom should be ready to be a little more lenient on their usual rituals.

I know there have been a few instances where my Master, due to special circumstances, has let me greet him in the bedroom instead of in humble position by the doorway. When this happens, it makes me feel so loved that my Master does not ask things of me that physically cannot be done. This is one way I know he truly cares about my well-being.

On the contrary though, there have been plenty of times when my Master has pushed me to perform rituals when I feel I am not able to do them. I am always so grateful when he does this because it helps to show me my own emotional strength and that I was able stay true to our dynamic despite whatever was going on in my life.

In my opinion, rituals are an integral part of any power exchange relationship and should be thought about carefully before implementing them. Before giving your sub a ritual, think how does this benefit me, our relationship, or them? If this question cannot be answered, then the ritual should most likely be modified.

I strongly recommend that rituals be put into your contracts (if you have a contract). They are just as important as rules and should be written down to provide precision and clarity to all parties involved.

So, in short, rituals should be something that all parties can realistically perform consistently, should bring about benefits to the relationship, and facilitate growth.

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

Spanking: Pleasure or Punishment?

November 20, 2017 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

There is a common question in our lifestyle that if a slave enjoys being spanked, how can it also be used as a punishment? Quite confusing, wouldn’t you say? The corollary question is if the Dominant enjoys administering a spanking, how can he/she be objective when deciding when to administer punishment?

There is a view that is being promulgated (I sound so pedantic today, don’t I?) that says the submissive actually reacts differently to a spanking when it is intended for punishment as opposed to when it is intended for pleasure. Thus, when a slave knows there will be a punishment spanking, the mindset is such that he/she can derive scant pleasure from such an event. I am not entirely convinced that this is the case. Because if there is little emphasis on what the submissive did wrong, then this “punishment” can quickly slide into pleasure mode for the submissive. It is this laxity in pre-punishment preparation – the Top just spanks away – that encourages the notorious behavior known as the “bratty sub.” Here the submissive purposely misbehaves in order to get the spanking he/she so wants so badly. One trick here is to spank in an almost corporal manner. Talking to the miscreant submissive while administering the spanking is the key here. Here is a good script to follow while administering a punishment spanking.

“You know why I am spanking you?”

“Yes, Master/Mistress”

“And why is that”

“I was surly to you in public, Master/Mistress” Et cetera.

Making this spanking experience unpleasant – with the Dom/me making his/her displeasure clear — is critical. Still, the pleasure factor can easily slip in when the physicality of the “punishment” tilts toward the enjoyment end.

The reason I am stressing this, is that many Dom/mes like to spank whenever the slave/submissive misbehaves But most Dom/mes also enjoy spanking for the slave’s enjoyment. For example, spanking to put the submissive into subspace. Thus one must make sure that the two types of spanking have decidedly different effects on the submissive.

As for the Dom/me, there should be differentiation too. You should really not enjoy spanking your slave when you punish him/her. There is an old-school expression parents used when they spanked their kids. “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” This should be applicable in regards to the discipline of a submissive. You should not enjoy it so much that you nitpick your sub’s errors as an excuse to punish him/her. Unless you are just into role-play, having a slave means training your slave; and in training the slave the Master/Mistress must always be fair. Even a sadist must differentiate between punishment spankings and pleasure spankings.

Confusing you say? Let me unconfuse you since I have devised an easy way to differentiate between pleasure and punishment. My system is to be familiar with the effects of each implement. The key here is knowing what implement your slave likes and dislikes and in what order. For example, a former slave of mine positively hated the paddle. She could be put into subspace with the flogger, crop, hand or cane. But the paddle not only will knock her out of subspace in a flash, but it will also have the same effect that light has on Count Dracula. It drove her crazy!!! And not in a good way.

So, in this dynamic, the flogger, crop, hand or cane would be chosen for a fun spanking scene, the paddle would be the perfect instrument for administering punishment. This is, I think, a simple and elegant system for delineating between spanking for punishment and spanking for pleasure.

And since it is a physical system, it is less susceptible to the whims of a mental approach. I offer no guaranties; but give it a try. It just might work for you!

My First Public BDSM Scene

October 2, 2017 By sindy_monroe Leave a Comment

If you asked me that morning, while I sipped my coffee, if I thought I was going to have the confidence to strip down to nothing but my heels and a sly smile, I would have laughed it off as though you were crazy. I had no idea that this night would be the night that I would stand fully naked and bare in front of a room full of people doing things I had only done in secret behind closed doors.

I was still very new to the BDSM scene but with a very capable partner who I had played with privately before. I was fortunate to be invited to a more private dungeon style event, an absolute first for me in every way. Never had I been to a dungeon, walked around freely naked people, much less watched anyone engage in forms of BDSM that I had only watched in the movies or curiously through porn.

I was nervous just to go to this event. Didn’t know what to wear or how to act, but I trusted my partner would guide me through the process. After all, this was definitely not his first, second or even hundredth time. I was in more than capable hands.

As I walked into the dungeon there were already people with articles of clothing removed. I could see a woman sitting nude out of the corner of my eye, sipping water after having clearly just finished a scene that had her smiling and sweating. Her partner next to her was packing up some of the items that were used. I found myself staring at this chest of toys that was being packed away, a little bummed that I had missed what just occurred.

Oh no! Did I stare too long at this couple? They caught my glance and smiled back at me. I didn’t even realize I was smiling! Had I messed up already and broke a cardinal rule?! I smiled back and we continued on.

I tried not to stare at any one person so they wouldn’t feel nearly as uncomfortable as I felt as I walked through the open area. I could hear paddles smacking against bare skin, cries of ecstasy and the faint smell of cleaning products. Although I can’ be sure but I bet I looked like a kid in a candy store.

We stopped and watched a scene that had been going for quite a while before we arrived. She was screaming out as a vibrator was held against her clitorous. Legs quivering uncontrollably, but the man holding the device there did not let up. Wow was this intense!

Just as we began to walk away my partner asked me a seemingly odd question at the time, “Have you ever played with fire?”. I was confused by the question. He could see the look of confusion on my face and started to explain that fire play was a part of edge play that can be very exciting and arousing. He outlined the process in detail as he has for other activities in the past. I was so green to it all and he knew it.

I was instantly concerned about being burned. Before this night, I had no idea that fire could be arousing outside of it just looking really cool and exciting. After some thorough explanations and addressing my concerns, I agreed to participate.

To say I was nervous was an understatement. I grabbed a second glass of wine and sipped it while my partner grabbed his suitcase full of toys that he brought in upon our arrival. I had seen this suitcase before but still had no clue what all it contains. Tonight, it was going to produce an erotic experience with fire. This was new and very exciting!

I finished my wine and my partner asked me to stand. The scene was starting and all I could think was: Am I really going through with this? Was I confident enough with my partner, my body and my self esteem to do this? Answer: yes!

He asked me to disrobe. This was nothing new for us, I’d been naked in front of him plenty. But not in front of all these people, now starting to gather around. I started with my top. Why had I chosen something that takes so long to take off. All I could think was, don’t get your top stuck around your head or trip over your bottoms as you take them off. It doesn’t need to be sexy, you’re not a stripper, but for the love of god, don’t make it weird!

Finally after successfully removing my clothing without tripping, falling or completely embarrassing myself, I presented myself to my partner for approval. As soon as my eyes met his, I began to forget the other people in the room. His gaze upon my naked body and his approval made me feel right at home where I stood. He began giving me instructions like the many times we had played in private.

I was asked to get on all fours on the bench. I knew what was coming. Spankings, my favorite! I knelt there, butt in the air, ready to indulge in his bare hands against my cheeks. He started lightly at first then progressed to the firm swats I’d grown to enjoy since we started playing together.

He paused for a moment and I could hear him pulling new items out of his bag. In an instant, I felt the wind from his flogger. After the first strike against my back, the people watching slowly faded away. My focus was only on my partner and his dominance of me. Nothing else mattered. I didn’t care about people seeing me naked anymore. I was completely comfortable and fully submitted to him. Nothing else mattered.

After he finished, I knelt there on all fours catching my breathe. I was in complete ecstasy. It couldn’t possibly get better than this, could it? I was then asked to stand, hands above my head holding onto the metal bars above me.

He lit the wands and began tapping them against my body. Blowing the heat from the flames against my skin. The fear was there, but an overwhelming sense of trust and arousal began to set in. I watched him tap the wands against my thighs moving toward more sensitive areas. After a few minutes I couldn’t watch anymore. My legs were trembling, my body responding to every touch. I couldn’t believe it! This fire was turning me on.

We continued with more play in this manner followed by more spankings. When it was over, I had no idea how long we had been playing or how many people were watching.

All I knew, is that I wanted to do it again…

What is Dominance?

July 24, 2017 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

Much of what is written about D/s and BDSM concerns, duh, Dominance and submission. But what exactly are they? Are they inborn or acquired characteristics? If they are obtainable, how does one go about acquiring them? I think a good analysis of our kinky needs – after all, this is kink weekly — is always good for the soul! Once in a while, we should all look inward and deeply examine what we call Dominance. Spirituality aside, examining the essence of Dominance also addresses a dilemma I have found quite common in the scene. This is where a vanilla spouse discovers he/she is Dominant and wants to train their mate to be a submissive. Finding out whether Dominance is “nature or nurture” is essential to answering this question.

As I see it, Dominance is the mental and spiritual foundation upon which becoming a Dominant is based. “Dominance is the stuff that Dom/mes are made of.” So, what is it and do you obtain it?

The best way to figure out if you have Dominance within you it to see what really excites you. Are you turned on by the thought of being in control of another person, including, but not limited to, sexual control? If the answer is yes, than you have elements of Dominance within you. There is an expression in pro basketball which says, “You can’t teach height.” But BDSM is not basketball; Dominance can be taught. But it is most easily learned by those who are excited enough about it to wish to learn it. To cut to the chase, I do not think it is genetic. But, by the time you are an adult, the forces of your upbringing have probably shaped your proclivities pretty firmly. It is less about learning to be a Dom/me than learning what you are inside – Dominant, sub, switch – and acting on that knowledge. Once you do a little self examination, you can act on your desires. And becoming a Dominant has little to do with size, strength or looks. It is a learned skill – both technically and in terms of human interactions.

There are two aspects of learning Dominance. One is technical — knowing how to Top in a scene. As this is a mostly methodological endeavor you can learn this by reading (much of the techniques are covered on this site), by observing (going to play parties and watching others scene) and by asking questions of more experienced Tops. Since neither size, athletic ability nor strength are required, desire is the most important element in learning to Top. If you want it badly enough, you will learn it. And here in lies the beauty of BDSM. As desire and enthusiasm are requisite to learn to Top, those who excel are only those who really want to. Anybody can theoretically do it; but only those who have the desire and need to actually do.

The second aspect is becoming a “lifestyle” Dominant. This might not mean 24/7 D/s, but it does mean that much of the basis of your relationship outside the dungeon or play parties is based upon being in control. Now here is the trick. You can’t be a lifestyle Dominant without dedication. You must really need to be a Dominant. Otherwise, “Castles made of sand, fall into the sea…” And you will find the responsibility of ownership crushing. That is the simple key to becoming a lifestyle Dom/me – as opposed to a “Dungeon Dominant.” Here is where commitment, needs and desires become the determining factors.

As with all life endeavors, both nature and nurture will dictate where your needs lie. Just take an honest look inside yourself and you will discover where your Dominance lies. Whether nature or nurture, the need to be Dominant is usually a desire that needs to be fulfilled. The trick would be to find out whether your partner has a submissive aspect that can be brought out. I will address this in a subsequent article.

Heavy Play, Safe Play

July 19, 2016 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

After a series of articles that were aimed primarily at newbies, we will address the concerns of those of you who want to be heavy players. Often times you meet on forums like FetLife or at local dungeons – or even here! — and both of you click because you have the need for heavy play. And, of course, you both want it to be safe.

Many heavy players eschew the safe word; understandably so. But I would suggest some initial play – no matter how heavy – with a safe word and/or safe signal. Remember, one person’s medium play can be another’s heavy. So, in order to facilitate successful heavy play, I propose a process that has worked for many in this lifestyle.

The Process

There is a tendency to evaluate whether a player is safe or unsafe based solely on whether he/she has caused any injury during play. Although this is a very good yardstick, it can also be claimed that safe play is not simply the absence of harm. It is the total approach that should, in and of itself, be safe. Contradictory, you say. Then, let me explain. If you were driving a car at 100 miles an hour during rush hour, you might not get into an accident. Yet, that would be considered “unsafe driving” – no matter what the outcome. Similarly, if a Dominant ignores basic safety precautions – such as having a topical antibiotic on hand during a play piercing or not allowing a safe word during his/her initial sessions with a given submissive – this would still be “unsafe play,” regardless of the result.
Safety – especially for heavy players where the risk is greatest — is a process. Granted, I have seen Dominants flail away with abandon on first meeting. Again, this might not cause any damage. But, in my opinion, why the rush to mega-markings right off the bat? Going slowly is not the mark of a weak Dominant; in fact, quite the opposite. Safe play means understanding the submissive; knowing how easily he/she bruises and how much pain the submissive can reasonably be expected to take. Sometimes it is the submissive who talks with bravado: “I have never safed”, “I can take anything”, or “I am the ultimate pain slut.” But, as we had stated earlier, one person’s medium can be another person’s heavy. Safe play, as I see it, is not going as hard as you can right away. The Dom/me should always go at a slower speed when first scening with a submissive. After all, why risk getting a ticket for unsafe scening?!

You Can’t Read Minds

No matter how hard people try, it is next to impossible to read minds. Books, yes… minds, no. So, whether you are a Dom/me or sub, don’t attempt it. Communicate the old fashion way, talk! For example, as a heavy player, don’t just flail away and rely on the sub’s safe word or safe signal while you are first using one. From time to time, lean over and ask whether the sub is alert and OK. Kind of like the fight referee after a knockdown. Remember, a sub in subspace is often unable to hear or even feel much. Ask. After all you can’t read minds – least of all that of a sub that is lost in space!

From the sub’s point of view, if the Dom/me says he/she is experienced, don’t just leave it at that. Tell him/her your hard limits (even the heaviest of players have hard limits), make sure he/she will respect your safe word and communicate. (Again, if the Dom/me says “no safe words” right out of the box, be wary.) And, don’t expect him/her to read your mind, or vice-versa. As I see it, it is only “topping from the bottom” during the scene; before the scene it is simply negotiating. And, if there is superb communication before play, then the sub will not have to top from the bottom!

An Old Guard Tradition

Although much of the history of the “Old Guard Leather Societies” is debatable, there is one “tradition” I have heard of that makes sense to me. That is where the Dom/me, should he/she draw blood on an implement, is required to give that toy to the submissive. It makes sense if you think about it. It not only has a great safety aspect to it, but it also seems to have a nice ring to it. Even if you are not “old guard,” and chances are you aren’t, presenting the bloodied knife or flogger to the submissive is a nice custom, with some fine safety implications thrown in.
Overall, safety is a habit you get into — especially for the heaviest of players.

Controversy time: Predator Doms

May 30, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

In a previous, contentious article, “Predator Pro-Dommes,” I warned against a new breed of faux Pro-Dommes invading the BDSM world post “Fifty Shades.” Although the response was largely positive (and most who excoriated me did not carefully read what I wrote), I admitted one major error, and I quote: “If there is one large error that I made, it was to not add that there are predatory male Doms out there too. And I will likely write about that.” Well, here it is! This article is addressed SPECIFICALLY to subs (male or female) who are looking for a male Dominant.

When any person interested in being a sub enters the BDSM lifestyle, they invariably hear the word “trust” mentioned a lot. Obviously, once you consent to being tied up, you must trust your Dominant. In a D/s relationship, you trust that his decisions will be, on balance, good ones. Thus, the statement that “D/s is based on trust” has a lot of truth within it.

In our lifestyle, and in interpersonal relationships in general, trust is one of the hardest things to judge. “Can I trust him?” is a tough question to answer. In a society where people meet total strangers online, it is hard to know whom to have confidence in. Can examining different aspects of “trust” shed light on how to spot an incompetent or – worse still – a Predator Dom? Let’s give it a try.

As I see it, there are two kinds of trust. The first type is what I term “scening trust.” The beauty of BDSM play is that it sets up an objective way to evaluate this area of trust. After a few scenes, you can assess the “trust level” of just about any dominant by answering the following questions.

1.Is the Dom as skillful as he first claimed to be? Did the dominant exaggerate his skill level? Did he answer your pre-scening questions truthfully? Were there any “truth” red flags? This is not only a question to determine how well suited a dominant is to you, but it also answers questions about his basic integrity.

2.Did the Dom allow a safe word? I personally believe that a couple can eventually dispense with a safe word – but only after they know how they play. But, if a dominant categorically refuses to allow the use of a safe word in your initial scenes, trust is an issue.

3.Did the Dom stop immediately upon hearing your safe word? If the answer is “no,” trust can be totally killed.

4.Was the Dom interested in your well-being? Or was he totally self-indulgent even at the peril of safety?

5.Did the Dom exude an aura of competence that made you feel safe? When the play gets more edgy – such as needle play — the level of requisite trust escalates. Do you trust him to keep you safe in all play situations?

If your answers to the five questions are all positive ones, you are off to a good start. And, if your situation is a play-only deal, you can just evaluate trust from strictly scening point of view.

It is in the area of emotional trust that the lines often become blurred. It is in this area where “Predator Doms” lurk. What makes an “unsafe emotional player” is a totally subjective call. Yet, this is at least as important a criterion as “scene trust.” In the emotional trust area, I propose five more questions that must be answered before you can begin to trust a potential Dom.

1.Did the Dom lie to you at any time? This is pretty basic stuff. But, one must be super-vigilant at the beginning. I am not saying, “One strike and you’re out!” There can be extenuating circumstances or the lie might be a forgivable one (at the option of the lie-ee.) But, honesty is the foundation of trust.

2.Did the Dom bum-rush you with an “insta-collar?” This can be fun; I am open-minded. But, it not the most effective way to establish trust which, like it or not, is built up over time.

3.Does the Dom make any demands that seem unreasonable? Although this is #3, this might be the key to spotting a “Predator Dom.” If a potential dominant says, “Give me your paycheck,” “Slaves have no property” or something similar right off the bat, you can bet establishing trust is not his first priority. Hold on to your wallet. Unless you REALLY want to give him your wallet! (This is all consensual, you know.) But don’t complain to me if you wind up penniless.

4.Is the Dom totally open with you? Does the Dom avoid certain questions or shade the truth? Does he address your concerns in a straightforward manner?

5.Does the Dom have other Dom friends who can vouch for him? If you are trusting someone with your life, you might as well find out if this person has peers who can vouch for him. When I met my current slave, I had her meet Sire Kane, of Lair deSade and other Doms. This is not a requirement, but it is part of a profile that you should put together when you want to submit on a high level.

In this post “Fifty Shades” era, with many new players entering the scene who have movie-level concepts of what BDSM is, one cannot be too careful. I am not an alarmist. On the other hand, being too careful is never a bad thing. “Better safe than sorry” is an old aphorism that still has value.

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Rituals Must Be Enjoyed and/or Valued By All Parties Involved

Deciding Which Rituals to Implement

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