rituals

Overcoming Obstacles to General Acceptance Requires Focus on the D/s in BDSM

April 2, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

sexy Domme with whip — via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

I am confident that there will come a time, when relationships with power dynamics will be commonly accepted in our culture. We are already seeing signs of it in popular media: BDSM has become a bit more “mainstream”; moving beyond its presence in fashion and showing up in more real ways. Power dynamics are plots and sub-plots in the shows we view at home, in the movie theaters, and in books.

BDSM is arriving, but not “all of it”. B&D and S&M are being depicted, but D/s is lagging far behind! In many ways, it’s easier to depict BDSM without D/s. It’s relatively easy to have actors “do things to each other” than to pull off the deeper character development needed to portray a committed D/s dynamic convincingly and so, for impact value, ease of production, and perhaps out of lack of understanding, media has embraced S&M and B&D and foregone the emotional commitment of D/s.

This creates some issues, not the least of which is that the imagery of B&D and S&M, particularly as portrayed within the media, is very closely aligned with the imagery of abuse, biker-outlaws, Nazism, and psychotics! As someone who just wants to engage in consensual healthy power dynamics, this is quite troublesome.

As I’ve pointed out previously, power dynamics in media, which is a critical first step in acceptance in culture, is in its infancy. We are barely beginning to be introduced to characters of substance, who have a healthy interest in D/s; who do not have to be damaged by childhood trauma, or psychotic drive as an excuse to enjoy open power exchange. Only barely…for most of the characters still suffer from some aspect of that excuse, or are portrayed as comedic shills – wild, out-there characters who will push any norm. We have not yet seen a character within a power dynamic, who does not require a “reason” for being involved in it. It is not “normal” yet – and therefore needs an explanation to be believable.

This is going to change. Much the way interracial relationships used to be verboten – then accepted with excuse – and now presented everywhere, without calling any attention to itself; power dynamics will eventually be portrayed as a matter of course – a sub-text – and nothing out of the ordinary. We will eventually relate to the characters in such a way that they will be able to accept their interests without need for explanation. We will get to the point where we won’t need to understand Joe and Mary’s childhood experiences to accept that they are a happily married couple – and Mary chooses to serve Joe as his submissive”. We’ll just accept that and be focused on the real plot of the show.

I hope to live long enough to see the day…but I do believe it WILL happen.

What are the obstacles standing in the way of making this happen? The first problem to overcome is to establish that people can choose to be dominant or submissive without it reflecting a weakness or a flaw in their character. We still seem to need an explanation – a reason why someone would want to stray from the perceived norm. The assumption is that there HAS to be something lacking or damaged in the personalities.

There is a learned resistance to power dynamics that stems from society’s proactive attempts to criminalize abuse. Due to the abolition of slavery, the emancipation of women, and the movement against discrimination of all types – there is an overarching sensitivity to repression and imbalance. We naturally want to repel any unfairness. However, conflating consensual power dynamics with these examples of non-consensual abuse is misleading, and harmful.

Even once we can clarify the difference between consensual power dynamics and non-consensual abuse, there are still other obstacles to overcome. Gender bias very much sways acceptance. The generalization is that men tend to be dominant and women tend to be submissive. Intellectually, we know how wrong that stereotype is. It has been a high obstacle for rebellion in women’s rights activists who have had to fight it. Even though our young generations are being raised without that assumption, it’s still present and impacts the way media portrays the dynamics.

If I were to present a show where Joe is Mary’s master, the audience would accept the premise. Of course, the feminist mentality in all of us would challenge the producers with claims that the relationship is setting back women’s independence by many years and there would be flack for allowing the stereotype to be perpetuated, but no one would challenge the nature of the arrangement. The audience would never challenge why Joe wants to be the dominant. They would even accept that Mary is submissive. Dominance=masculinity…submission=femininity.

But turn it around: Joe is Mary’s submissive. Suddenly, the audience will seek to find a rationale: WHY does he want to be submissive? What is lacking from his masculinity? Is he “pussy-whipped”? Is he a “mama’s boy” or Is he compensating for some childhood trauma? Is he looking for a release from the pressures of his otherwise dominant life? Furthermore, why would Mary want to be dominant? Is she a radical feminist? Does she hate men? The audience will struggle figure out what’s driving these two to make such a diversion. It’s viewed as “Role-Reversal” because the popular beliefs have been challenged. Gender bias is a huge obstacle.

It’s also interesting that BDSM submission seems easier for the public to accept than dominance. Dominance is viewed as the one “doing the doing”. This is the BDSM-mentality of doing things TO the submissive. That’s the imagery. Under this assumption, people will “excuse” a submissive, by attributing their acceptance as weakness in the presence of the power and persuasion of a determined dominant. But the motivations of a dominant are immediately suspect and have no excuse. They are evil, power hungry Bond-villains, out to take over the world. They are psychotic sadists, who have to hurt to be whole.

How does this change? How do we find BDSM relationships to be acceptable regardless of gender, and be brought out from behind closed doors? How do we get to a point where submission and dominance are equally acceptable?

I believe that a focus on D/s as the primary motivation for a couple, without the necessity of the imagery of S&M and B&D, will begin to bridge acceptance. Establishing an emotional bond between two partners in which one chooses to serve the other, will be more easily digested by the public. Most people have felt the desire to serve another and most people will accept that allowing someone to serve you (who WANTS to serve you) can be a natural response. Most people will accept that you don’t have to be psychotic to feel and desire consensual power dynamics.

As we all know, B&D and S&M are OPTIONAL ACTIVITIES in a relationship with D/s power dynamics. They are elected within the context of the power agreement. They will likely not be the only activities. Portray this in the media, even though it’s much harder to do, and we will see a change in perception and acceptance. Once the emotional bond is established in the minds of the viewers, they will accept it as the motivation for any physical bondage that follows. So long as the D/s is the primary motivation, the practices of B&D and S&M will be more readily acceptable and the public will not be dreaming up more destructive rationale for the actions. And if they are not present at all, more people will be exposed to, and understand, pure D/s dynamics…that can’t be a bad thing!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

D/s Protocols

February 20, 2021 By SafferMaster 4 Comments

sexy domme with handcuffs — via stock.adobe.com

Being a kinkster is as unique as a random dot on a page. What do I mean by that? If you think of the world of kink as represented by a sheet of paper. On one axis you have the range of fetishes and on the other axis you have the range of intensities. If I look at my world of kink, the fetishes I am into and you look at the intensity level of my kink life, you will be able to put a coin about the size of a silver dollar over my preferences somewhere on the page.

Take protocols. In simple terms, a protocol is defined as “a system of rules that explain the correct conduct and procedures to be followed in formal situations” I am not motivated to have my submissive do tasks for the sake of doing tasks. And at the same time, our life, in a 24/7 TPE dynamic, we have a number of protocols in our life. Some are simple, for example, when my submissive goes off to work, she wears a butt plug as a way of keeping me with her, and she is required to send me a good morning message with a picture of her ass, butt plug inserted. This is especially true for us after marking her, she is required to send me pictures of her marks every day. That is a protocol. Something I have asked her to do for me as a matter of routine. I never have to ask her to send me a picture of her marks, our protocol is that she just does so after being marked as a matter of protocol. And she sends me a message via WeMinder (which I will talk more about in a minute) that she completed her task or duty.

There are other Dom’s who have similar but different protocols that they have designed for their preferred lifestyle. I interviewed a Dom who has his sub wash him in the shower and then she kneels with his towel presented to him as he steps out of the shower. It is a simple gesture of submission, and similarly to my sub, his sub does so as a matter of protocol without being asked.

Some dynamics are extremely high protocol. To the point that the sub has to have permission to do anything, including go to the bathroom. The degree of how intense the protocol dynamics are depend on the needs of the partners and they must determine what works for them.

Even though my submissive is collared, and even though this is TPE and a 24/7 dynamic, we actually have numerous protocols that we have chosen to live with. Before I say more about that, I want to talk about an app called WeMinder. This is an app that we use to track the protocols we have in play. We interviewed Mako, the developer of the app on our podcast, Kinky Cocktail Hour, that you can listen to here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/episodes/6206590.

Using this app, my submissive logs her tasks and chores as she completes them, and it allows me to offer her feedback from praise to scolding, and even punishment. She can also share her mood with me at any time and know instantly that I am aware of how she is feeling. It’s a fantastic app for D/s couples who are protocol oriented. You can get the app by visiting weminder.app and I recommend it highly and it’s very reasonably priced.

When we engage in what we call “High Protocol” days, my submissive prepares for use the way she normally does, she is a three hole slut and she is fully prepared for a prolonged scene. When she kneels for me, which is how she presents herself to be used, she offers up a cane for marking. Normally she offers me her leash to attach to her collar, but in high protocol days, she gets chained with a heavy chain before she is used and marked. During high protocol days, she is limited to being on all fours during play and she is required to ask for cane strokes after her initial marking.

Her tasks and chores are both designed to fulfill on her role as a service slut on one hand and on her sexual submission inside of a sex forward, kink forward dynamic. Our daily maintenance spanking scene is a protocol. When I get into bed in the evening, she puts her head on my chest and cups my balls while we talk about our day and the final act of our dynamic that lives in the world of protocol is that when it’s time, she rolls over and we spoon and I take hold her breast, holding her close as we fall asleep. My point is that start to finish, our days are filled with protocols. We divide the protocols into two broad categories: Tasks and Chores. Tasks are things I might randomly task her with doing and that might be as different as having her masturbate with the Hitachi every 30 minutes, or to do certain routine things for me such as sending me a picture of her marks. Chores related to her duties around the house.

Protocols live in the world of agreements. On one hand they are designed to give structure to the dynamic and on the other, they are a natural evolution of a power exchange. My preference is to have the protocols occur because they fulfill her desires, so to implement a new protocol, we talk about it first, and I enroll her in the possibility that the protocol creates and then she does what I have requested but she does so because it is what she wants to do.

There is a very wide range of protocol implementation strategies in kink. It can be a very minor part of your dynamic if that is what you prefer, or it can be the entirety of your dynamic if that is what you prefer. I am going to make the observation that even in vanilla relationships there are protocols. For instance when I was married, my ex-wife used to bring me coffee on a Sunday morning while I watched soccer in bed. I came to expect this and it occurred routinely for years. I never asked her to do this, she just started doing this small thing for me that made our lives more manageable. The way that that small act occurred was that it was a loving action that made me feel appreciated even for just that moment. It was indeed a protocol that existed during my vanilla marriage. My point is that spoken or unspoken we operate with protocols all around us, the difference is that in a kink context, communication is the key difference. A protocol is an agreement to do x or y, which requires that the Dom and sub are in communication.

Being in a dynamic is a power exchange. The sub surrenders his or her power to their Dom and then it is up to the Dom to exercise that power appropriately. The sub wants to please. It is through protocols that the Dom communicates to the sub what is expected and required for that behavior to land as “pleasing” to the Dom. The sub knows where they stand. They know what is needed and expected. If they are committed to the dynamic, then they will fulfill the protocols. If there is space or distance and the protocols start to break down, then it gives the Dom something to address to get at the root of the upset.

I keep making this point: our kink is really communication. We talk about our dynamic almost every day. We plan, revisit, debrief, dream, vision share, and so on. The reason our protocols are in place is because we have made a series of agreements around our dynamic.

A good place to start is to sit down facing each other and do this drill. One partner asks the other partner what they want done to them and then asks what they want to do to you, and then switch roles. Take notes and then use those notes to talk about each of those ideas and make agreements about those that make sense to you to implement into your dynamic.

A D/s power exchange works best for all concerned when the communication is clean. We have a commitment to each other to allow no space between us. We are each responsible for keeping that structure in our dynamic and we have found, as will you, that the use of protocols keeps the dynamic humming along.

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Introducing WeMinder – Kinky Cocktail Hour

In this episode, Lady Petra and SafferMaster chat with Mako, the developer of a new killer app for kinksters called “WeMinder” that enhances communication on both sides of the slash in any D/s dynamic. Over an Elderflower Martini. You can find the…

Buzzsprout

Above is a link to their podcast!

Parenting And BDSM

January 24, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

dominant man puts handcuffs on woman in sexy red dress.jpeg — via stock.adobe.com

I am always intrigued by questions that have, within them, enough range so they apply to a large swath of lifestylers, not just a few. Since many here are parents, and are more likely than not to be required to spend a lot of time with your kids because of Covid-19, this question has relevance far beyond the narrow confines of parenting. So here goes:

Reader: I am a single parent who is getting seriously involved in a D/s relationship. How can I be a good subbie while continuing to be a good mother – especially during the pandemic?

This is a great question. Funny, whenever you read BDSM stories like, “And then he tied me to the cross, his eyes ice-cold as he whipped me, then pulling my hair back, he then took me suddenly and violently.” You never read, “And then our seven year old, Skippy, came to the door, asking where the remote was and yelling ‘I’m hungry, mom’.” Children are the great BDSM secret; they never exist in BDSM – other than in the lives of seventy percent of adult couples who practice BDSM. It is the great BDSM secret — how do you conduct a BDSM relationship with children around?

First of all, the mental mindset of a good subbie is totally compatible with being a mother. Subbies (using your term) generally come out of a nurturing role. She is committed to tending to the needs of her Dom/me, just as she is committed to tending to the needs of her children. In the overall, there is little conflict here, And although there are times where you would need to become more of a Domme when disciplining your children, in the overall being a mother would seem to have a big submissive component to it.

And a good subbie just naturally sets a good example for her kids. A D/s couple who have a stable hierarchy, do not talk back to each other and are respectful to each other will effortlessly set a good parental example. Once again, being a good mother and a good sub are not mutually exclusive.
It is in the physical world where you will have to make some hard choices.

The first choice is the D/s protocol of your relationship – will it be high, low or no? And although it theoretically is the Dom’s choice, BDSM mythology goes out the window when kids are involved. So, both of you should discuss how you want to define your lifestyle. Will it be a high protocol relationship – where you always address your Dom/me as ‘Sir’, ‘Mistress’ or ‘Master’? (There seems to be no equivalent for female ‘Sir’) Or is it a low or no-protocol relationship. High protocol is really hard to maintain in front of kids. They are forever asking questions and mimicking your actions. So, unless you want them calling their male schoolmates “Sir,” you might think about some revisions in your protocol.

I personally was in a high protocol relationship where my slave had kids. Although she always addressed me as “Master,” she cleverly added the word “Blaster” to it whenever the children – or vanilla people – were around. ‘Master Blaster’ has a kind of innocent, cartoonish aspect to it that was a great disguise. Although this might be a clever solution for some, high protocol D/s around children is still next to impossible to maintain; keep this in mind when negotiating your hard limits.

The other physical aspect is your BDSM play space. If your kids are younger than eighteen, most people I have spoken to recommend the “outta” system. Keep it outta their view! If you have a home dungeon, lock it and keep the explanation consistent and simple. Keep all your BDSM toys secured – as you would sex toys. (Your bag might have both!) And do not forget the obvious – lock your bedroom door; if you take pictures of your BDSM play, DO NOT leave your cellphone around – especially if it is not password protected.

Of course, in a non-Covid world, you could keep your BDSM play exclusively in the dungeon (if there is one near you.) But until then, I hope these tips gave you some ideas on how to practice BDSM as a parent in 2021!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The Use Of Signals in Public

January 3, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

sexy female submissive getting blindfolded — via stock.adobe.com

A while back, I published an essay called “Keeping your Dynamics Under Wraps”. In it, I discussed a number of techniques for maintaining and executing your power dynamic – without it being apparent to people around you (kids, relatives, co-workers, etc.).

One of the techniques, which has recently spurred some interest, is the use of furtive signals to improve communications without arousing awareness. I felt it would be good to dive in a bit deeper this week.

The first key point is really an observation: The most effective means of keeping communications private, is misdirection. In this case, giving the impression that the idea for someone’s actions was their own. If it’s done well in a D/s context, it seems that the submissive partner thought up the action themselves, when, in reality, they were actually RESPONDING to impetus from the dominant partner. The dominant gets what they want, but it appears to be the submissive’s initiative.

Why is that important? We are setting up this non-verbal communication system so that a dominant can direct a submissive without it appearing that the submissive is following directives. When we see someone volunteer to do something, apparently without provocation, we assume that the person is doing it out of the goodness of their heart; that they are just a “really good guy”, “a doting partner”, or “someone who really likes to help”. We accept almost anything that way.

Most people with power dynamics will establish protocol and routine ahead of meeting with others outside of their dynamic. They will establish “rules of behavior” that are to be followed without any need for prompting. These are terrific, but tend to be a bit inflexible. When a situation arises that wasn’t anticipated, the routines can break down and the communications can falter. This is where having a set of signals can be of service. The idea is to covertly handle exceptions to the routines that were previously established, through the use of non-verbal communications.

Some basic rules

There are a few rules you will want to follow to make this effective and clandestine:

– Eye contact during a signal is usually a BAD thing. Others can see an increase in intensity, or a “call to focus” when you attempt to communicate with your eyes. Even if there is a signal in play, many people will either look at the signal, or look at the submissive – to either emphasize the signal or gain confirmation that the signal was received. This is usually a give-away: Others see that connection, realize that something out of the ordinary has occurred, and put two-and two together when the submissive partner suddenly gets an idea to do something “helpful”

– Deliberately looking away is not good either: Keep the signal natural and don’t change your focus because you’re using one. If you’re looking forward, keep looking forward. Don’t stare or remain stagnant. Just be loose and natural

– Signals need to be hiding in plain sight. They can’t be something that the sub needs to search for…yet, it can’t be something unnatural that calls attention. Things dealing with objects around

you will work well – like resting a hand on a table or a chair. Stretching, scratching one’s nose, touching an earring – these are all very prominent, but natural motions that can be used – The signals will rely on the submissive partner’s dedication to observation. It is the onus of the submissive partner to be looking for the signals. If they’re missed, it’s on the submissive – Allow time to pass between signal and action. Immediate reaction to a signal can be a give away, particularly if a lot of signaling is going on. Eventually, those around you will notice that when the dominant moves, the submissive reacts. It’s far more clandestine if there is a disconnect in time between the signal and the action. It doesn’t have to be long, just a moment to disassociate the actions

Ways to make it work

Here are some easy ways to make this work:

– Make signals the exception to submissive behavior routines. In other words, the submissive partner is ALWAYS looking for ways to serve as usual. The normal course of events will continue with the routines and protocols in play. Use of the signal is for something outside of that normal behavior. It could be a request for non-submissive behavior – or it could be a request for a specific, predetermined action. A good signal will not mean “Obey Me Immediately”; for that is likely a given…however, a good signal might say, “I want your honest answer, not the one you think I want to hear from my submissive”

– Establish a feedback loop. It’s helpful to establish a return signal for the submissive partner to use that communicates back: “aye-aye” (which, btw, originated as ‘I hear and I obey”). It informs the dominant that the submissive partner has received the signal and is ready to act on it – even if that action doesn’t happen immediately. This allows the dominant to stop signaling, knowing that the message has been received, and then be focused elsewhere when the submissive partner suddenly gets the idea to do something. My hubby and I use a touch of his eye to indicate that a signal has been received. People rub their eyes all the time. I signal; he touches his eye; communication completed

– Check in with me: I recommend that you always have a signal that means, “Check in with me”. It’s impossible to predict every situation you might encounter and build signals around that. There will be times when only verbal communication will do. The “check in with me”-signal tells the submissive partner to take the initiative to see if there’s something the dominant partner wants or needs. It tells them to observe, or perhaps enquire as to what is needed

– Keep it simple: Make the signals natural gestures. It’s better to have a missed signal than to have a submissive need to noticeably look for, or interpret a signal. Plus, you don’t want to have to exaggerate a signal to have it seen. You want to know that, as long as the submissive is paying attention (which they are on point to do), they will see the signal

– Avoid “counting”: This one is almost funny…but I’ve seen it. “If I tap on my wrist 3 times, it means ask me if I want a drink; twice ask me if I’m hungry”. Fundamentally, don’t do this! Everyone in the room is going to zone in on your tapping – not because you’re tapping, but because the submissive partner will be focused on counting. It forces the sub to stare – and that needs to be avoided. It’s surprising that, although this seems obvious, many people do it

– Keep the repertoire small: Strive to establish the fewest number of signals you can. Pick general meanings that can be interpreted based on the situation. Use them to initiate actions (like checking in) that open the door to natural conversations. Use them to bring general attention to the dominant, who can then help the submissive partner determine what needs to be done. – Practice, practice, practice. Try it with small things. Drop signals when the submissive is busy. The submissive needs to learn how to be alert and observant. When they see the signal, have them say it out loud (when you’re practicing). If you have friends who are aware of your dynamic, practice in front of them – If they don’t see the signals, even though they’re tuned in, people who are not tuned in will never be the wiser

With my submissive, I only have four signals:

1) “I want your real opinion”: Under normal circumstances, his aim is to make me happy, so, if I said, “Do you want to go out for Italian food tonight?” and didn’t give the signal, he would interpret it as, “We’re going out for Italian tonight…and I’m giving you the opportunity to at least LOOK LIKE you have a choice” and his answer will always be, “Yes, Italian sounds perfect!“…but if I give him the signal for his real opinion, he is free to suggest something else. He might respond, “Italian sounds great, or maybe Indian?” The “Real Opinion” signal is very valuable with unknowing folks around

2) “You’re missing something you should be doing”: He knows that he had better stop and figure this one out fast. I’m not necessarily telling him what he’s missing, but I’m alerting him to the fact that something is up. For us, the signal is me playing with my earring. Usually with a little thought, he can figure out what I want pretty quickly, but when he can’t, he enquires. He has said things like, “Are you OK honey? You look like you’re thinking of something. You have the habit of playing with your earring when something is bothering you…is there anything I can do?” Which just makes him seem like the PERFECT husband; observant and tuned into his wife. Then I can choose to either give him subtle direction at that point, or take him to a private spot where I can give him more direct instruction – or, if I want him to figure it out, I can just respond that nothing is wrong. Regardless, others need not know what’s going on – and it looks like he’s initiating the interaction and just being a doting husband

3) “Stop talking, stop arguing, get in line…obey!”: Which has that intended effect! It’s the equivalent of saying, ‘submissives are meant to be seen not heard”…and he will quickly blend into the background

4) Lastly, we have his favorite signal, which says, “You’re in for a treat tonight”… which means I’m thinking of wickedly evil things to do to him when we get alone. This one will always get a rise out of him 🙂

Dominance and submission are between the ears of the unique couple. What you say and what you do is far less important than the understood intent of what you say and what you do. When you’re both on the same page, people around you can be completely unaware that your dynamic is in full-force. Predefined routines and protocols help you to maintain your dynamic when you don’t want those around you to be aware of it. Establishing a small set of private, clandestine signals will allow you to adjust those routines to the realities around you: Handling situations that you have not predicted and adapting to real-time changes in your mood and preferences. Try them out!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Low Protocol And Power Exchange

December 12, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

good girl on her knees, submissive — via stock.adobe.com

It began in baby steps. Our dynamic was very much an experiment, with each movement forward and each step of the way tested before the full weight of the relationship was brought to bear upon it.

It was a scary amount of power to give up. I came into the relationship a business owner, and began a second venture about a year in. Handing the metaphorical reins over to another when my hard work of years was on the line was a truly terrifying thing to even contemplate. It came part and parcel of our TPE, however, and I had to trust that he would allow me to continue to make decisions without his interference.

Part of owning a business is having to interact with others in various ways, be it as the customer service representative who is discussing a potential order, as the cashier handling payment, as the scheduler booking classes, as the manager attending to someone’s satisfaction, as the artisan building product and providing updates, or in educational capacities, both online and in-person. That’s a lot of hats, and they require a certain amount of freedom of action on my part. It has necessitated trust on his part that I would make decisions and behave in ways of which he would approve without having to have specific protocols in place to govern those actions.

As someone who has grown to become firmly embedded in my local community, I see an incredibly wide variety of levels of protocol. Some are required to ask prior to leaving the presence of their master, some are required to follow protocols which govern their interactions with others in various settings. Perhaps it is a set protocol involving carrying packages or interacting with waitstaff or asking permission prior to speaking and touching friends or strangers within kink settings. Interestingly enough (and this is a conversation I have had with friends on occasion, because many of us are fascinated by the differences in how relationships are built), many of the dynamics I have observed which involve a small business seem to run with a lower degree of formality and protocol, perhaps out of that same necessity.

If I must receive permission to speak to individuals prior to doing so, even ones of specified gender, and my partner is away from our vendor table, I would quickly become ineffective as a merchant. I would be unable to answer questions or complete a sale. The same holds true of online interactions. It would effectively make the business I run hobbled during his regular work hours until he could handle the aspects I was not permitted to attend to without him. That would lead to additional stress, and I ask a great deal of him as my business partner already. While he does make those decisions, he has chosen to leave many of the finer details up to me, limiting the majority of his participation to financial decisions such as inventory purchases, and to customer interactions in order to keep me from using my energy and focus up in those areas rather than in completing projects.

The leaves much of our dynamic very informal, from a protocol standpoint. Fortunately, that works well for our personalities and the way we fit together. While I sometimes feel that our low protocol interactions can be mistaken for a more casual relationship, which can bring with it a feeling of being less than, I remind myself that some of those stares may be from envy for what may appear to be a higher level of freedom.

Make no mistake, however. He holds full authority over me, regardless of the appearance of casualness our low protocol level may give outsiders. It is so important for us all to remember that each relationship, each dynamic forms as it works best for the individuals in question. For some, that may mean there are specific rituals and protocols dictating large portions of their actions. For others, such as us, that total power exchange may rely more on the granted authority of the top-of-slash rather than any formalized behaviors. We all have to determine what works best for us as individuals and as couples or relationship groups, and build from that foundation.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Learning to Orgasm On Command

November 28, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

handcuffs, sex on the bed — via stock.adobe.com

Today, I’m going to go over a technique that I’ve been teaching for many years. Those who have read my books will likely recognize it. The technique is designed to help a submissive learn how to come on command. This is not some mystical, mind-washing, magic trick; it’s a methodology that helps a sub get in better touch with their body’s orgasm cycle, so that they can control it well enough to orgasm at a particular moment.

The Methodology

The methodology requires a partner, who ends up being in control of the eventual orgasm. Logically, the dominant will play this role – but I suppose it doesn’t have to be the dominant. For argument’s sake, and since most people reading this essay are in (or want to be in) power-based relationships, I’m going to assume it’s the dominant helping the sub learn to orgasm on command.

The goal is to achieve orgasm on a countdown. The dominant will count from a chosen number and the sub will reach orgasm EXACTLY as the dominant reaches zero. Over time and familiarity, the starting number is decreased, until the sub’s required preparation time is minimized. The final goal will depend on the physical capabilities of the submissive, but most everyone I’ve tried this with was able to achieve some level of countdown “perfection.”

The process starts with the submissive stimulating themselves. We do this because it gives the submissive control of the pace and pressure of stimulation. It will be easiest, in the beginning for the sub to be thoroughly excited and even teased to some degree before you start. You want the sub to be able to orgasm relatively easily. In the beginning, the dominant can even ask the sub if they’re ready to start the process.

We start with a very aroused submissive who is stimulating themselves, relatively close to orgasm:

The dominant picks a number; something like 20; and begins to steadily count down to zero. The count should be evenly paced, and reasonably slow. The goal for the submissive is to start to come when the dominant says “zero” – not before zero; not 15 seconds after zero; but starting to orgasm AT zero.

As the dominant is counting, the sub regulates themselves towards their orgasm. If the sub feels themself approaching orgasm too soon, they need to stop stimulation, so that they don’t come – while the dominant continues to count at the same, steady, pace. The sub then tries to pick up again to attempt to still come at zero.

If the sub does not begin to orgasm as the dominant reaches zero, the sub has to stop stimulation, immediately. The sub’s objective isn’t to come before zero or after zero, the orgasm has to be starting AT zero – if not, stop.

If the sub doesn’t come at zero, the dominant lets the sub calm down a little and then decides if they’re going to get another chance right away, or not. This is completely at the dominant’s discretion (another reason why this works nicely for a power dynamic). If the dominant decides not to try again right away,

the sub will get another chance at another time – but, for this technique to work best, the sub must not be allowed to orgasm in between attempts. The key here is that the sub either makes it, or waits until they eventually do.

The next time the technique is tried, the dominant can start at the same number – or, if they feel that the starting number was too low, a higher number. The goal is not to frustrate the sub (that will come later ), the objective is to help the sub make this work. We want the sub to learn their orgasm cycle.

Eventually, the sub will learn the feel of their orgasm and figure out how to get to a point and hold off going too far. They will determine how long it takes to get from that holding point to orgasm – which will become the point in the countdown where they’ll really start to approach orgasm. Every sub will be different. For my husband, that magic number is 4. He knows that he can hit a holding point and then, when I get down to 4 in my count, he switches his mindset and can achieve perfect timing.

Once, does not perfection make. Once the sub gets this right, do it again and again. They will get pretty good at it, eventually. Once they start to be consistently able to hit zero from a particular number, the dominant can start at a lower number, 15, 10, or any number down to the sub’s hold point. You may not make it a couple of times before the process works at a lower number – but the hold point will be the same and so the sub will find themselves able to achieve shorter countdowns very quickly.

Once consistently on time while the sub is stimulating themselves, switch to the dominant doing the stimulation. This opens a whole different situation for the submissive, because they have less control of the intensity of the stimulation. They also need to communicate to tell the dominant to stop stimulation in the event that they are approaching orgasm too soon – or request for more stimulation if they’re not quite in position (which opens the door for some interesting “tease and beg” scenarios).

I have found that, if the sub is well-controlled at self-stimulation, they will adapt to being stimulated very quickly; much sooner than you may think.

Once the sub has mastered control while being stimulated, you can extend the technique to all types of stimulation – including intercourse.

The Benefits

There are a number of benefits to having a submissive who can control the timing of their orgasm. First of all, having so much awareness of their orgasm cycle allows them to last longer as well as not take too long. These will make them better lovers. It will allow them to spend more focus on their dominant’s pleasure and time their release(s) (assuming they’re allowed to have them) with their dominant.

There is also the added benefit of knowing exactly where your sub is along the path to their orgasm – making Tease and Denial games even more effective. If you know your sub is going to orgasm exactly at zero, then, where will they be at 3; or 2; or 1? You can time denial for a perfect frustration – or for ruined orgasms by stopping at the right number.

The “Please Stop” game fits perfectly in on top of this. If you’ll recall (from my previous essays or from my books), the sub is required to ask to stop stimulation 5 seconds before they orgasm. If they’ve mastered this technique, they will already know EXACTLY when they’re 5 seconds away from orgasm. If you, as the dominant, decide not to stop, and you start the 5 second countdown, you know the sub will be able to regulate for orgasm at zero. It won’t matter what type of sexual position you’re in or what activity you are doing.

Wrapping Up

This technique is both doable and effective. It takes some time for the sub to master, but it is absolutely within the reach of most. It’s effective for all genders and makes for a great control game. I hope you try it and tell me how it goes!

Trust in Power Exchange

November 22, 2020 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

With the corona virus extending its “Reign of Error” (as a lot of people have got this pandemic wrong) into every area of our lives, I suggest we protect the most important areas in our lives WHEN POSSIBLE! (Was that the longest sentence in kink weekly?) To clarify: obviously, we cannot just go back to business as usual. For example, except for Mistress Cyan’s Virtual Dungeon, all the bondage clubs, at least in L.A., are closed. So, what to do to keep our bondage skills sharp and to also have fun.By some magical coincidence, I was going through my “questions bag” (which really isn’t a bag) and found a query that, although written pre-pandemic, was rather prescient and deserves to be answered. So here we go:

Reader: I’m a newbie, but am very interested in expanding my horizons. It’s giving control to someone else that appeals most to me about the bondage world. I love games of the mind, and have always been a control freak in every aspect of my life. The idea of a Dom having his way with me is thoroughly exciting. BUT it is also scary. How do I learn to trust someone? To lose control? How do I stay safe?

It appears (emphasis on the word “appears”) that many people who are control freaks in their everyday world long to give up control in their BDSM life. They not only find it exciting, but they also like the break from being controlling and responsible. But, as the saying goes, “Old habits die hard.” The desire to give up control, no matter how freeing and appealing it might be, is often easier said than done.

Thus, you are not alone in desiring to make the transition from day-to-day “Domme” to a submissive. The keys to making this big leap are threefold: a) “fantasy vs. need” b) “Rome wasn’t built in a day” and c) “letting go is a process.” Let’s examine, in detail, each of these three “keys” that I proposed.

The first one is “fantasy vs. need.” Is giving up control just a hot fantasy or is it an actual need of yours? Many people have sexual or BDSM fantasies that get them excited. But, as I have stated many times, there is no rule that says you must act on every craving that floats your boat. It might just be that due to your personal situation, this “submissive fantasy” is one that might best be left unexplored. On the other hand, if you have a true “submissive need,” then you should forget that it is scary and just give it a shot.

For most adults, consensual needs, I suggest – if at all possible – you not leave them unfulfilled. If this is your case, and submission is an unbending need and not just a pie-in-the-sky fantasy, then it is time to get to the “Rome wasn’t built in a day” principle.Learning to trust someone is a step-by-step progression. Trust is neither automatically given nor demanded – it must be earned over time. Thus, you have a right to be wary of any new Dom you play with – until he establishes the level of trust you feel comfortable with. As with any human endeavor, there are variations from person to person. Thus, it might take you more time to be at ease with one Dom than another.

Trust your instincts. This is especially true with respect to safety issues. In play, make sure you have a safe word and don’t be afraid to use it. If you do, and the Dom respects it, that is one way trust is built. Again, don’t expect instant trust. Furthermore, if your Dom tells you “I don’t believe in safe words” right out of the box, this is a big red flag. This is – especially in your case, where you have apprehension – as close to a “no-go” as you can find.Finally, about “letting go.” This is the end result of the whole process; it is not the process itself. It happens automatically after everything else has fallen into place. You don’t have to worry about it. In fact, worry (along with tension, doubt and too much thinking) is the enemy of “letting go.”

When you trust your Dom implicitly, when you aren’t stressing about safety issues, when you become less self-conscious about the whole idea of submitting, then you will automatically “let go.” A good Dom will put you at ease about your concerns and free your mind to perform the tasks that he will demand of you — the actions that, taken in totality, define “submission.” Believe me, with all the decisions that are thrust upon me during thin pandemic, I too would like to be an “Un-Dom” for week or two! Or even a day!The beauty of submission is that, ideally, it is a mental state wherein your mind is freed from all concerns other than the submission itself. Thus, by its very definition, it cannot exist until all your other fears and doubts are dispelled. And, except in very rare circumstances, that takes time!

Rewards vs. Recognition In Power Exchange

November 14, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

hot submissive wanting to please her dominant — via stock.adobe.com

I’ve written, at length, about my approach when it comes to rewards and punishments. I don’t do either of those. I refer you to my other books for that discussion. However, I’ve also written about how a key responsibility of the dominant is to recognize the submissive’s efforts so that the submissive does not feel alone / abandoned in the dynamic.

Some people have argued that recognition of the submissive’s role and assessment of the quality of the job, is tantamount to a reward for the submissive. They feel that a dominant saying “good job” or “thank you for continuing to serve me” is a reward for their efforts.

I disagree with this notion. It’s true that submissives get pleasure and satisfaction from a dominant’s recognition, however, there is a strong distinction between rewards and recognition.

Though I don’t do rewards, I do a lot of recognition. My subs love that I recognize them and, in fact, recognition is a basic necessity of the dynamic. However the difference that I see, stems from dictionary definitions of the two words.

In my mind, the difference is as follows:

Recognition is personal praise or gratitude for good work and can be given at any time.

Rewards are tied to goals and accomplishments and are generally given up on completion.

I don’t reward goals / accomplishments because top-notch service is expected of my submissives. There is nothing “out of the ordinary” for submissives to work hard and complete a task, assignment, or even anticipate a need extremely well. If I set a goal for a submissive, they strive to achieve it, primarily to please me.

I do however, provide personal praise for their efforts and also will show my gratitude for their continued submission. Note: As in my essay on “Saying Please and Thank You”, I choose to show my gratitude that my submissives continue to choose to serve me each day…as they show theirs to me for allowing them to do so. If a sub does a great job of anticipating something for me, and removes an obstacle before I have to face it, I’m both grateful and generous with my praise.

Just because someone enjoys recognition and gets something out of it (e.g., Pride, sense of accomplishment, and affirmation of the dynamic), doesn’t make it a reward. A reward is linked (in my vernacular), to completion of goals or milestones. Rewards are more: Do this, and get that” – “Get this because you did that”. It’s motivations and incentives.

Herein lies my issue with rewards. I question why a sub would need more motivation / incentive than serving their dominant well and receiving acknowledgment of a job well done. A pleased and satisfied dominant is the objective of their submission, so why would it take anything more or less than that to motivate the best possible service? I’m suspect when that isn’t enough.

Recognition, on the other hand, is one of the most important, and often neglected responsibilities that a dominant takes on in my methodology. Recognizing when your submissive is striving to meet your expectations and fulfill your preferences, is important in letting them know that you’re active and present in the dynamic. It doesn’t take a lot to recognize a sub: Just a “Good job serving me” or an “I see how you did that for me, and I liked it” go a long way. I like to have my sub thank me for doing things for me: A little bit of irony goes a long way. These are really simple, no effort things that just say, “I’m here, I’m present, and I see your effort”.

As far as I’m concerned, recognition is a must. I recognize my subs as often as possible. I prefer higher volume of lower effort recognition. Reward, on the other hand, is unnecessary and often counter productive; as it tends to distract submissives from their ultimate motivation – that of pleasing their dominant by fulfilling their expectations.

Rituals in BDSM

August 20, 2018 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

Brian Vox-http://www.voxart9.com/

In a previous edition of kinkweekly.com, Slave Bunny offered a terrific piece (https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-guest-author/rituals-part-2/ ) on rituals. Since rituals in BDSM are extremely important, I thought I might present some additional thoughts that illustrate how essential they are in our lifestyle. To paraphrase some football guru, “Rituals aren’t everything, they are the only thing.” I might have got that backwards, but you get the idea!

(Definition of “ritual”: a formal set of specific repetitive actions. In the BDSM context, specific sequences performed by the submissive at the pleasure of the Dominant.)

There are two major purposes for rituals in the BDSM lifestyle. The first is to maintain and reinforce the power exchange that is the essence of all D/s relationships. The second is to facilitate transitioning from “vanilla headspace” to “submissive headspace.” First, let’s examine its uses from a power dynamic point of view.

The most common ritual – it is virtually ubiquitous – is the honorific verbal greeting of “Sir,” “Master,” “Mistress” and “Ma’am.” Addressing the Dominant in this way is a very powerful tool for maintaining the power exchange that is at the heart of any D/s union. It reinforces the air of esteem that a submissive must have for her/his Dominant. The beauty of honorifics is that it offers an elegant way to reinforce the conscious integration of the power exchange within the relationship.

Of course, it is up to the couple to determine when this address will be required. Will it be compulsory 24/7, even in “vanilla” settings? Will it be mandatory only in scene-friendly environments? Is it only to be used during a BDSM scene? However often it is required, it is a verbal corroboration that the Dom/me is to be respected and obeyed in the context of the rules of their relationship. We think the honorific greeting is so essential to any D/s relationship that we offer two digressions on this topic.

Digression number one! Problems are often encountered when the slave is required to use “Master” 24/7. Using the title “Master” at a vanilla party can be dicey. But, there is one slave who came up with a brilliant solution to this problem. She always addressed her Dominant as “Master” but always added the word “Blaster” — as in the “Master Blaster” — in sticky situations. No one ever suspected; she was always able to address her owner as “Master” in just about every circumstance.

Digression number two! Although I am not personally fond of the common practice where a submissive addresses every Dom/me in the community as “Sir” or “Mistress,” there are exceptions for those who are universally respected in the community. I also think it is best to address a prospective Dominant thusly. If you use his/her birth name too often early on, it might become a hard habit to break. Using honorifics judiciously will serve you well.

Rituals are awesome tools for transitioning from “normal headspace” to “submissive headspace.” (We must make the distinction between “subspace,” which is defined as an exhilarated state caused by a rush of endorphins emitted during a BDSM scene, and “submissive headspace,” which can be viewed as the mental state of being in service to the Dominant.) In our busy and stress-filled world, this transition can be a difficult one. For example, if the sub has come home from a tough day at work, he/she might have a hard time getting into a submissive frame of mind. It is not easy to leave work headspace and enter submissive headspace. Rituals make this changeover a lot easier.

The classic greeting, or presentation, ritual is a tried-and-true transition technique. Here the submissive kneels in front of her Dominant and kisses his/her feet, shoes or boots. The sub remains in this position until a hand or verbal signal tells him/her to rise and maintain a kneeling position until instructed further. Another popular ritual is the inspection ritual. Here the submissive is required to kneel with his/her legs spread so the Dominant can inspect her/his private parts and make sure they are satisfactory. This is a superb triggering protocol; it has “submission” written all over it!

Although the greeting and inspection rituals are both popular and powerful, the transitioning protocol can be virtually anything. The Dom/me’s hand on the slave’s cheek, a particular look, a series of words or phrases, a slap to the face, a hair pull or just the touch of the Dom/me’s hand on the neck can trigger the transition. Any series of consistent, ritualized actions can activate the transition into submissive headspace – and thus reinforce the Dom/me’s “Domspace.”.

Let me offer an innovative way to look at submissive headspace and transitioning. One can categorize submissive headspace into three distinct levels. The first level is “operational submission,” where you are submissive to your Dominant but little is required of you. It is a relaxed submissive state; the power dynamic is acknowledged but rarely actuated. The second stage is “active submission.” Here the sub might be required to be very attentive to the Dom and be available for him; but limits are not pushed. It is a state of familiar submission. No curveballs are thrown. The third space is “slave submission.” Typically, this is during play or training sessions; limits can be pushed and new areas of D/s are often explored. Transitioning into each of these states is most effectively accomplished with specific rituals designed to activate each of these levels as required. For example, a simple honorific can activate the first level. The physical greeting ritual might be used to transition into level two. And an intense inspection ritual might be the prompt to enter level three.

The number and complexity of rituals varies from Dom/me to Dom/me and couple to couple. Whether you are low, medium or high protocol, rituals are essential tools in your BDSM arsenal.

About the Author

Rituals: Part 2

November 27, 2017 By slave_bunny Leave a Comment

Since rituals are such a big and broad topic, I would like to continue my article from the previous week (click here for article).

In my last article, I touched mostly on how rituals are beneficial in power exchange relationships. This week I would like to piggy back on that topic and provide a more in-depth guide on how to pick them and implement them.

Rituals Must Be Enjoyed and/or Valued By All Parties Involved

First of all, in my opinion, rituals must be enjoyed and/or valued by all parties involved. If one person is just doing it out of obligation, in time, it will grow to be thought of as a hassle. If this occurs, the ritual would not be serving its purpose. It has to be looked forward to by all parties involved or serve a practical purpose that the sub understands the importance of.

For instance, check- ins are often a great ritual to implement. Check- ins are a required text or phone call sent to the Dom by the submissive when he or she safety makes it to a destination. This ritual may not be enjoyed, but there definitely is a practical safety component to it.

Other rituals, as I mentioned previously, are just to allot time for service and/or spending time together such as pleasing rituals and greeting rituals.

Also, some rituals are put in place to make sure the Dom’s needs are met, such as filling their water cup after they come home from work or preparing a shower for them in the morning. These rituals serve to make the Dom’s life easier, so he or she has more time to serve the relationship. For example, I have very specific rituals I do in our home to help my Master such as cleaning his retainer or bringing him his morning coffee.

Rituals should also be something that the sub can be trained to do. The Dom must give the sub what he or she can realistically learn to do innately. If this cannot be achieved it will be hard for the ritual to be maintained healthily long term.

It’s very easy to do a ritual for a month. But especially in very established relationships, you should be thinking about what can be sustained for a year, two years, etc. Or at least have a plan of action for when you want the ritual to be modified or talked about with all parties.

Deciding Which Rituals to Implement

When deciding what rituals to implement many things should be considered such as all partner’s schedules, all partner’s needs, the relationship’s needs, and what all parties can realistically handle and do consistently.

Rituals can be updated, changed, and modified at any given time depending on where the relationship is and where all parties are emotionally, physically etc. If a ritual isn’t working, don’t be afraid to talk with your partner(s) about why it isn’t working. Power exchange relationships are all about flexibility, communication, trial and error, and modification. It’s perfectly okay to try something and then admit that it didn’t work out the way you thought it would. This goes for Doms too. After all, Doms are fallible people.

Also, the rituals that you implement one year may not work the next year based on changing life circumstances. This is perfectly normal too. All rituals should be adjusted and talked about as life throws new curve balls your way. Always have a plan of action in place, but be ready to change that plan of action as life surprises you.

However, never implement something that does not have a shot at being done correctly and consistently from the get-go.

It’s very easy to live in a dream world where the sub greets the Dom every day dressed to the nines, but how realistic is that?

Also, the Dom should take the sub’s state into account every day, and if necessary, be willing to deviate from the usual rituals if the sub truly needs it. I am in NO WAY saying that Doms should let their subs get out of doing rituals on a daily basis. The sub should be pushed on most days to perform the rituals as outlined. But, if for an example a family tragedy hits or a sub has the flu, the Dom should be ready to be a little more lenient on their usual rituals.

I know there have been a few instances where my Master, due to special circumstances, has let me greet him in the bedroom instead of in humble position by the doorway. When this happens, it makes me feel so loved that my Master does not ask things of me that physically cannot be done. This is one way I know he truly cares about my well-being.

On the contrary though, there have been plenty of times when my Master has pushed me to perform rituals when I feel I am not able to do them. I am always so grateful when he does this because it helps to show me my own emotional strength and that I was able stay true to our dynamic despite whatever was going on in my life.

In my opinion, rituals are an integral part of any power exchange relationship and should be thought about carefully before implementing them. Before giving your sub a ritual, think how does this benefit me, our relationship, or them? If this question cannot be answered, then the ritual should most likely be modified.

I strongly recommend that rituals be put into your contracts (if you have a contract). They are just as important as rules and should be written down to provide precision and clarity to all parties involved.

So, in short, rituals should be something that all parties can realistically perform consistently, should bring about benefits to the relationship, and facilitate growth.

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

rituals

Rituals Must Be Enjoyed and/or Valued By All Parties Involved

Deciding Which Rituals to Implement

Footer