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punishment

Punishment Is Always A Reward

September 23, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

Domme holding cock cage
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

In previous articles, and within my books, I have alluded to this concept. I thought that this week, I’d  focus in on it to highlight a very common misconception: That to make a punishment be effective for  changing behavior in a D/s dynamic, it needs to be unpleasant enough for the submissive to encourage  them to avoid the infraction. (Note: I am discussing actual punishment, not “Funishment” – scene time  play in the form of punishments). 

On the surface, this makes sense: If the person being punished hates the punishment, they will never  want to experience it again – and will adjust their behavior to avoid it. If they fear the punishment, they  won’t commit the infraction and the dominant will be happier, because they will not have to deal with  the infraction again. You’ll often hear dominants talking about the severity of the punishment “matching  the infraction”, and you will also hear that punishment needs to be swift and fitting.  

All of this makes sense – until you consider the source of pleasure for a submissive. What thrills a  submissive? What makes a submissive feel all subby inside? What washes a sub’s brain with Oxytocin  and makes them feel so good about being a submissive? 

In my discussions with submissives regarding things that “excite them most”, there is a common joy  found in acknowledging (or having to acknowledge) their position in the relationship relative to their  dominant. They LOVE to recognize that they are at the dominant’s beck and call – and at their whim.  

They want to be helpless and dependent on the dominant. They want to feel the dominant’s authority.  This was the root cause of excitement identified with of many fantasies, including: Bondage /  suspension, Blackmail, Contracts, Humiliation, Chastity, Losing bets, etc. The idea that the submissive  “has no choice but to comply” is ultra-alluring. It triggers sensations of fulfillment in people who are submissive. 

So, let’s consider punishment. Who is allowed to punish someone? It must be someone with the  authority to do so. Parents, teachers, wardens, governments – all with accepted authority to enforce  rules. If you are being punished, you accept that punishment because you acknowledge and cede to the  authority of the body punishing you — or you’d never allow it to happen. 

Now, conflate the ideas: People only allow themselves to be punished by those with the recognized  authority to do so – and submissives are excited by recognizing, or having to recognize, their relative  position in the power dynamic and the authority of the dominant over them. 

Therefore, I offer that this no way to punish a submissive without also rewarding them! 

Furthermore, the more distasteful the punishment to the submissive, the greater the reward. Why?  Because the more the submissive despises the punishment, the more they must recognize that they  have agreed to allow themselves to be punished. The power imbalance created by their power dynamic  is highlighted and elevated. They are “forced” to recognize that the dominant has the AUTHORITY to  punish them – even with things that they hate. This fact EXCITES the submissive on some level – and their brain REWARDS them by filling them with all sorts of yummy subby pleasure chemicals. They feel  more helpless; more “owned”.  

The more difficult / distasteful / severe the punishment is, the more this reward-effect is realized. 

The obvious irony is that the purpose of punishment is to modify behavior (or create a catharsis for guilt  relief…there are many theories of why punishment is used – not to be discussed here), but the  punishment, in and of itself, runs the risk of REWARDING the submissive for their bad behavior.  

If you doubt this, look at the number of submissives who advertise exactly how they are willing to be  punished for failing to serve properly. Or look at the number of submissives who deliberately act up  whenever they feel they aren’t getting the attention they desire – or are checking the resolve of the  dominant to force them to submit. Consider brats and how that behavior is often motivated by a desire  to have the dominant exert their will and overcome their resistance. 

A dominant who is trying to design punishments that will be severe enough to have the desired impact,  is going to be sadly surprised to find that the behavior, although resolved in the short-term, will  reappear again – usually if no punishment has been delivered in a while. They will be constantly  escalating to attempt to stay above the submissive’s tolerance – only to find that backfire into more and  more severe punishments…and a bunch of frustration! 

What I Do In Lieu of Punishment 

I published this in the article, “Why I don’t punish”. I recognized this “paradox” (it’s not really a paradox,  as it really makes so much sense) a long time ago and vowed that punishment is simply not going to  work with submissives. I concluded that the only way to really change behavior is to insist that the  submissive provide the self-discipline to correct their behavior based on my explanation of my  preferences and feedback on how what they’re doing is making me feel.  

I recognize that a sub’s actions can sometimes be due to something that I do, or don’t do. I am not  perfect (gasp, I know!)…so, I encourage my submissives to talk about what they need, before they’re  acting up or acting out. Maybe I’m not demonstrating my position clearly. Maybe I’ve been a little lax or  neglectful. It could happen. Maybe my sub is feeling a little alone in the dynamic and feels the need to  check in, to make sure I still value their submission. That’s on me. How they go about resolving that and  bringing it to my attention, however, is on them. I am approachable and will listen. If they are acting up,  they are not taking advantage of my openness…and they need to talk to me. 

If a submissive cannot correct their behavior – even after my insistence, explanation, and openness to  listen, then THEY are putting the dynamic in jeopardy. I’m not saying that the only punishment is to  dissolve the power dynamic – but I am saying that, if open communications of why something is  displeasing to me, what I want them to do better (and why), and insistence that they correct the issue, doesn’t result in long-termed change, I’m not interested in wasting both of our time continuing the  dynamic. Dissolving the dynamic isn’t a punishment, it’s a consequence brought about by their inability  to change. It takes a lot to get to that point – but that’s where it’s going, if things don’t change. 

Dominants: Consider avoiding punishment and favor open discussion and instance for change – explore  to find root-causes for misbehavior and remain open to the possibility that it’s something you can control. Explain what you want and why you want it – and insist on it. Recognize that any punishment  will be a reward at some level – and will likely work against the change you’re trying to achieve. 

Submissives: Recognize that the responsibility for living up to your commitment to submit is yours. If  you find yourself attempting to motivate your dominant to discipline you, introspect as to why and  discuss it openly with your dominant. 

Hopefully, this will give you cause to think – and maybe even change your opinion on discipline within  your D/s dynamics. Happy power! 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, consent, contracts, discipline, dominant, fetisn, kink, power echange, protocol, punishment, submissive, submissive headspace, submissive training

Erotica: The Public Meets The Monster

August 5, 2021 By Joji Sada 6 Comments

sexy male Dom with leather whip
via stock.adobe.com

*** All works of erotica are fictional and we NEVER condone anything that is not safe and consensual


It has been so long since I have slept in front of the fire.  You were even kind enough to give me a cushioned mat to curl up on.  My body shivers lightly.  I turn over so my back faces the flames.  It is odd that the fire is still going.  Did you stoke it throughout the night Sir?  I hope you were still able to get some sleep without worrying over me.

It is odd being out here Sir.  Normally, I lay at the foot of your bed.  I know your routine.  I know to move from my spot only once you are stirring awake.  You like your coffee right after you wake.  I prepare your shower and lay out your clothes.

But, out here, your door is shut.  I am not allowed to enter without permission.  I have upset you so much these last few days.  I do not wish to upset you further by not completing the morning routine.  Yet, I do not wish to intentionally break a rule and enter your domain without permission.

You are so quiet with me Sir.  Very little in the way of direction, and even less in the way of expectations.  I have learned by watching.  I have survived this long by watching, waiting, and anticipating.

I have made my decision Sir.  If you wanted me to complete my morning routine, you would have left the door open.  You may have even carried me into the room last night.  But I think this is the start of the punishment.  You told me that I needed to trust you and I needed to be honest with you.  I have not been quick to do either.

So, you have left me on my own for the night.  You have left me in the exact position I have demonstrated that I desire; alone.

I sit up on the cushion, pull my knees up to my chest, and stare blindly into the fire.  I have never wanted to be alone Sir.  I hope you know that.  I just have learned it is the best way to protect myself.  The more I scare people, and the more I make myself invisible, the happier they are to forget me.

It is the safer way.

I shake my head.  I do not wish to dwell on the horrors today.  You deserve my full attention Sir.  I have let Maker influence too many of our interactions.  I seek to push him from my mind, if only possible for today.


I know that I cannot kneel until you awake Master.  I greatly dislike admitting such faults.  Maybe, with time, I can correct the damage done to my body.  For now, I think it would be best to reflect on my behavior.  I have not been at my best, Sir.  

I know my place.  A good slave is invisible.  They are silent (or soft spoken if addressed).  You should never be able to hear me walk (or crawl) in or out of a room.  You should never need to call me.  I should always know when and where I should be (regardless of environment).  

Yet, I have been very lax in my behaviors.  I was trained better than this.  I feel the reminders left on my body as harshly as you see them.

I sit up, keeping my back to the fire, and cross my legs.  I take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and slowly release.  My hands rest on my knees, palms facing upward.  My back stays straight and my head is up, though my eyes are closed.  I am in proper position to await you Sir, kneeling notwithstanding.

I do not know how long I have been sitting here Sir.  But your touch to the top of my head startles me slightly.  One day I will understand how you can walk so lightly in boots so heavy.

My eyes open and I lower my gaze down.  I am determined to be perfect for you, Master.

I sense you walk around me, inspecting me.  Once you sit down in your chair, I shift up onto my knees.  

“There’s my good girl.”

My body grudgingly blushes.  I do not feel like a good girl, and I am doing my best to not question you, even if only in my head.

“Eyes up pet.”  Your voice is firm but quiet.  I lift my eyes to yours.  “When it is just us, I expect you to wait for me with your eyes up.  I prefer eye contact.  I can see what you are thinking, and hiding, much easier.”

I meet your eyes.  This is difficult Sir.  I am half expecting you to backhand me for such forward behavior.  I am curious if you have set this rule previously or if this is specifically for me.  Of course, it does not matter either way.  You have ordered it; I shall obey it.

I see your arm move, but your hand is out of my eyeline.  I keep my eyes locked on yours and suppress the tremble that threatens to overtake me.  I can handle whatever you offer, Master.  I will make sure you never doubt that.  

I am startled slightly when I feel a tug on the ring of the collar around my neck.  The thick leather gives me little room to resist as you pull me forward.  My hands tighten on my knees, trying to stay upright and maintain the eye contact you have asked for.

“I have a gift for you.”

A gift?  That is a surprise.  I am sure my eyes reflect those thoughts as they widen in curiosity.  With Maker, surprises meant pain.  They meant a lot of blood and a lot of crying. But Master is much more kind.  I am nervous but not fearful, yet.  

You let the ring of the collar go.  My body sways back into position.  

Two snaps. 

That means eyes down.  I drop my eyes.

Your hands reach around, and I feel the lock of the leather being undone.  

Deep breath.  Trust.  That’s what you said Master.  I had to trust you.  That means no panicking.

The collar slides off and my palms are turned up once more to catch it.  I have never quite felt how heavy it is.  Then again, this is the first time I remember being without one on, Sir.  

Two snaps.  Eyes up.

Thank the Gods I understand your silence, Sir.

I am staring at the soft, velvet bag in your hands.  It is black with red lettering.  I wonder briefly if that is a monogram to your unspoken name Master.  Everyone has one.  Some of us just don’t get to use them anymore.

You open the drawstring and I see a metal band pulled out.  It is a new collar.  I am slightly confused.  Why the change Sir?

“Lay the leather across my knee and hold out your palms.”  I do as you ask.  “Meet my eyes.”  As you wish Sir.  

You lay the metal in my palms.  I am surprised that it is lighter than the leather.  Is that normal?  It has no lock that I can feel.  It also has no beginning or end.  It seems to be a solid circle of metal.

I resist the urge to look down, or away, from you.  You keep eye contact with silence.  It weighs heavy between us, and I bite the inside of my cheek to stay silent.  Have I told you how much silence scares me?  I probably should.

It can’t have been more than a minute of silence Sir.  Yet, when I felt the electricity dance across my palm as it races through the metal, I jump.  I did not expect such an action.

“Do you feel that pet?”  I nod.  You have not granted permission yet to speak.  “I have thought over your recent behavior.  Should you disobey, punishment will be swift and merciless.  You will curb your behavior.  Do you understand me, pet?”

I nod.

Two snaps.  Verbal answer it is.  “Yes, Sir.  I understand.”

You pluck the collar from my palms.  I watch you unlock it with a special key before you place it around my neck.  It is secured and I feel you place two fingers between the collar and my neck.  Good to know I won’t die by suffocation, Sir.

“I will use this as needed.”  I nod.  I expected as much.  “Now, we will deal with your impending punishment.”  I am not surprised that I have a different punishment waiting for me.  As much as I dislike it, I am thankful I do not need to wait much longer.  I just want this behind us Sir.  I want to start over.  I can be good Master.  I promise.


I could have only hoped that punishment would take place in your rooms.  But, no, that would not have been enough.  Crawling across the concrete is not even the hardest part, though it does leave my knees very tender.  It is the eyes of the others watching me.  You did not leash me, and my neck is bare enough to catch their attention.  I hear a few snickers.  They seem to recognize the collar and its purpose.

I think this place was built like a maze on purpose.  I have lost count of the number of turns we have taken.  All the hallways look identical.  It probably doesn’t help that most of what I am seeing is the grey concrete of the floor and the heels of your boots.  

We finally reach the destination.  You step only a few feet into the room, though I follow dutifully.

“Kneel up.”

I comply.  I take in the surroundings.  From this angle, looking into the room, there is minimal furnishings.  I see a large, wingback chair in the center of the wall, set slightly back than center.  A large cross is bolted to the wall on the left.  There were thick chains attached to the top of it.  

I watch you stride forward to the chair.  You sit down, your knees parting naturally.  

Two snaps.

I crawl forward until I am right in front of you, the room forgotten.  Your hand slides through my hair.  “Turn around and remain kneeling.”  I do so.  I feel you tug my hair.  It takes me a moment to realize you are braiding it.  I assume you do not want it in your way.  I can tell you are finished when I feel the braid bounce against my back after you’ve dropped it.

Your hand reaches around my face and tips my face back to see you.  Your hand wraps around my throat, firm but without pressure.  “You have committed three infractions against me pet.”  I remain silent.  Your hand slides from my neck and tips my face forward again.  I start to face it down and your voice stops me.  “Look forward pet.”

I do so and I see there is an audience.  I swallow.  This is not what I want.

“Tell them pet.  Tell them how you have shamed yourself.”  

I hesitate.

“Loud and clear pet.  I will not repeat myself.”

Deep breath.  “This girl did not truthfully answer Master regarding the state of her health.  This girl lost her temper with Master as though she was his equal.  This girl did not disclose her medical status to Master despite his order for complete honesty from his property.”  It takes all I am to face down the crowd watching us.  It had not quite sunk in until now how badly I fucked up.

I feel you rise.  In just a couple steps you are standing between myself and the audience.  “I can forgive a pet who forgets her place from time to time.  It is my duty to teach you, and keep you, in your place.  However, I do not forgive easily a slave who does not answer truthfully.  You are my property.  You do not get to decide what you will tell me.  I expect the truth, at all times.  Omission is lying.”

I have never heard you be so vocal Sir.  I have upset you greatly.  I do not like this.  I want to apologize.  I do not think it would matter at this point.  My words mean nothing currently.  Maybe by taking this, I will prove to you how I regret my actions.

“Bring the cage to the center of the room.”

I look around quickly, and spot it near the back, left corner of the room.  I crawl over to it.  It is large enough that I could fit inside.  You have not given me leave to stand.  I figure the only way I can do this is to drag it with me.  

I crawl backwards from it, only a couple feet or so.  I reach forward and hook my fingers in the bars.  I pull it towards me.  I was right Sir.  It is heavy when I have no leverage to assist me.  I move back a little more and pulled it to me again.  Over and over, I repeat the process.  Longer than I would have liked, I finally reach the center of the room where you are waiting.

I kneel next to the cage, facing you.  I await your next instructions.

“Stand and present.”  I do so, though much slower than I would have preferred.  My legs are numb, but they are still supporting my weight. “Turn and face your audience.” I turn, and while I stay in position, my eyes drop to the floor.  I know better than to make eye contact with any of the other Masters.

Deep breath.

I jumped slightly when my sight goes dark suddenly.  I can hear snickering, but I cannot see them anymore.  I have not decided it that is a good thing yet or not.  I feel a warm breath near my ear.  Lowly, you whisper, “You will learn to trust me slave.  It will start when you cry for me.” 

You stepped back.  

“Bend forward over the cage, pet.”  Cautiously, I do so.  It is an uncomfortable height to bend properly.  I feel your boot against my foot.  “Spread.”  You keep nudging my feet until the are spread just past my shoulders.  It eases the pain on my hips and back.  I think you are aware of that, even if the audience is not.

“You will hold yourself in position.  You will accept what I give and thank me when I am finished.  Do you understand?”

“Yes, Master.”  I made sure my voice was clear and easily heard.

The only warning I get is the whistle of the implement before it connects with my calf.  It is the cane.  I keep my mouth shut.  I refuse to give in so easy.  There is no warm-up with punishment.  Even less so when you are proving a point to his audience.  This is meant to hurt.  This is meant to serve as a reminder to never again be so careless.

Two. Three. Four.

You are deliberately keeping the hits from forming a rhythm.  It makes the hits much more intense.  The back of my calf is burning.

Five. Six. Seven.

My leg is shaking.  My attention is divided between keeping my leg still and trying not to tense before the next hit.

Eight. Nine. Ten.

My eyes are watering.  I do not like this.

Without hesitation, the hits move to my other calf.  The first one is just as hard as it was on the other side.

Two. Three. Four.

I understand why you chose my calves Sir.  

Five. Six. Seven.

I did not tell you that my legs go numb.  If I can function without feeling, and without telling you, then you will make sure I can feel this punishment.  I can.

Eight. Nine. Ten.

I am gripping the cage tightly.  My whole body is shaking.  You did not tell me to count but I have been keeping track in my head.  It is helping me focus.  Just because my legs are occasionally numb (and paralyzed), does not mean I feel anything less.  In fact, it often makes the sensations more intense.

My breathing is harsh; it echoes around the room.  Everything is silent.  I am unsure anymore if there are still people watching or even where you have gone to Sir.  I do not feel you behind me anymore.

There is no warning this time either.  You have come back with a vengeance.  I cannot stop the grunt that passes my lips.  Have I ever told you how much I hate wooden paddles?  I despise them even more on the back of my thigh.

Two. Three. Four. 

There is more rhythm with this one.  I am unsure if it is because the paddle is heavier or if you are trying to help me breathe through the pain.

Five. Six. Seven.  

I am reaching my breaking point Sir.  I do not understand why I could face Maker so stoically, but I cannot do the same with you.

Eight. Nine. Ten.

My knees are shaking.  At this point, the only thing that has kept me from dropping to the floor is my grip on the cage.  My body is sweating profusely from the effort.

As with my calves, you took only a breath or two before switching thighs.  I feel the firm swat to my right thigh.  This makes 31 hits so far Sir.  How much farther are we going?

Two. Three. Four.

The blindfold is soaked with tears.  I am hiccupping from the sobbing.  It hurts Sir.

Five. Six. Seven.

It hurts.  Is this how bad I have hurt you by not being truthful?  Is that why it is so harsh?

Eight.

I don’t know how long I can continue to hold myself up Master.

Nine.

Please, Sir.  Please, can we be finished.  I clench my eyes shut.

Ten.

This rounds out another Ten.  I am sorry, Master.  I will not do this again.  

I cannot hear myself think anymore.  My body trembles.  I am biting my lip to try and calm the sobbing.  I can hear murmurs again.  There is no warm touch from you, Master, not this time.

“Stand up pet.”

I loosen my grip on the cage.  I can feel the indentations that have been left in my skin.  I trail the bars of the cage until I am sure my hands are on the top.  I push my upper body off the cage.  Without lifting my feet from the concrete, I slowly drag my feet back together.  

Deep, shuddering breath.  I can do this.

My body is on fire.  It protests loudly as I move.  But I bring myself up to a standing position.  I bring my hands to the back of my head, my elbows bent and outward.  My back is straight, my head is held high, and my gaze remains on the floor.  My chest is heaving.  My body is tired.

But I will take what you give, Master.  I will make you proud.  

“You have done well pet.  Five left.  You will stay in this position.  Is that clear?”  Your voice is firm.

“Yes, Sir.”  As soon as I confirm my understanding, you slip a piece of rope between my teeth.  

“Hold that firmly.”  I nod.

My back spasmed at the first lash.  It is the whip.  I fucking hate the whip.  So many bad memories attached to this type of punishment.  

Two.

My foot stepped forward reactively after the second lash.  Without a word, I put myself back into the position I started in. But it is too late.  I feel the electricity of the collar.  It lights my body on fire as my muscles tense.

Three.

My right knee gave out.  It hits the concrete hard, even as my hands come down to catch me.  I drop my head.  I am failing you now.  I am positive I can feel your disappointment.  I am ashamed I have broken position, but I refuse to stay down.  Slowly, I bring myself back up into position.  

Though you cannot see it, I close my eyes.  I grit my teeth against the rope, waiting for the electricity.  It is stronger than the first time.  My body feels like it is vibrating.  Only two more lashes to go.  

Four.

My hands tighten in my hair as I force my body to stay still.

Five.

The last one.  I am so sorry, Master.  

I feel one of your hands on the back of my neck as the other removes the length of rope.  My voice wobbles as I remember your instructions.  “Thank you, Master for correcting my behavior and reminding me of my place at your feet.”

 “You may drop your hands pet.”  Your hands move to release the blindfold.  I close my eyes against the onslaught of light.  “Address your audience pet.”

“This girl apologizes for her ill behavior.  This girl has learned her lesson and endeavor to give exemplary service to Master going forward.”

Two Snaps.  I kneel.

“Clean up after yourself while I take care of some business.”

“Yes, Master.”

I see you walk towards to hall.  I try not to dwell on your actions. Is it selfish to want you to hold me Sir?  Even when I have been so disobedient? I shake my head slightly and return my focus to my task.  I push the cage forward.  I move it a few inches before crawling forward and pushing it again.  It takes me far longer than I care to admit, but it makes it back to its spot against the wall.  

I turn and crawl back to the chair.  I raise up on my knees to wait for you.  My thighs and calves are throbbing and when they touch it gets worse.

Before long, I see you come back.

Two snaps.

I turn to face you.  I am proud that I remember to meet your eyes.  You pat your knee.  I smile slightly, without showing teeth.  I lay my head down on your knee and am relieved when your fingers start toying with my hair.

“You have done well pet.  I am proud of you.”

I make a small, content noise.  Thank you, Sir.  It brings me peace to hear that.  I live to make you happy.

“Lay out for me pet.  Face down, arms at your sides.”

I do as you ask.  I appreciate that you always let me keep my hands at my side.  One day I will remember to mention that to you.  I am internally relieved that my body stays lax when your hands touch me.  I can feel something cold and smooth being spread across my skin.  It soothes the pain minimally.  Your hands apply even pressure as they move.  I am grateful for your attention.

When you stop, I am loath to move.  Regardless of the cold concrete, my body has fully relaxed.  Hopefully I will not become too stiff tonight.  “Stay.”  Who am I to argue with your instructions, Sir?

I can hear you moving around, even with your footfalls as light as they are.  I hear the clinking of metal.  What are you doing, Sir?

“Come here pet.”  I struggle to push myself up from the floor and look to find where you are.  You are by the cage.  I cock my head to the side in confusion but dutifully crawl forward.  When I reach you, your fingers slide down the side of my face, and you cup my cheek.

“Tonight, you sleep here.  I want you to think over everything that has happened and the punishment that you have endured.  I will let you choose pet.  If you cannot see yourself fully submitting to me, and trusting me, I will give you the option to go back up to auction.”  

My eyes widen.  My heart races with panic.  No. No. No.

Your thumb brushes my lips, and you shush me.  “Do not answer me tonight pet.  Tonight, you need to be honest with yourself.  Tomorrow, you will be honest with me.”  

Two snaps.  

I look up at you.  I see you smile but there is something in your eyes I cannot quite place.  I feel your hands reach for the back of the metal collar. I bring my palms up to hold it, should you need.  You drop the collar into my hands.  I feel the leather collar take its place and I have never felt such relief.  Once it is locked, you step back.

“It is time.”  You step around me to stand at the open cage door.  I crawl the couple feet to the entrance.  I turn to face you but keep my eyes down this time.  Without hesitation, I give into an impulse.  If this is my last night with you, then I want you to clearly understand what your kindness means to me.

I lean forward, and I kiss your left boot three times.  Then I kiss the right, also three times.  I place my forehead on the concrete and say very clearly, “thank you Master.”  No matter how my body (and my mind) are pained by what has transpired, I am grateful for your correction.  After a moment of silence, I lift my head and crawl into the cage.  You have been kind enough to line it with a warm blanket and pillow.  Once I am settled, I hear the lock snick into place.

I stare up at you as you rise.

“Think about what I have said pet.  Tomorrow, when I ask, I expect you to have an answer.”

With that, the light is extinguished.  I am alone in the dark once more.

Curling on my side, one of my hands comes up to rub the leather of my collar.

Maybe I don’t have to be alone anymore.

Tagged With: bdsm, dominant, fetish, kink, power exchange, punishment, submissive

Video: The *Ultimate* Guide to Non-Physical BDSM Punishments

July 5, 2021 By Ms. Elle X 2 Comments

Want to expand your consensual punishment repetoire?

Want to deepen your understanding of discipline?

Then, check out this amazing video by Ms. Elle X!

The *Ultimate* Guide to Non-Physical BDSM Punishments | Ms. Elle X – YouTube

Tagged With: bdsm, contracts, discipline, dominant, fetish, kink, power exchange, protocol, punishment, rituals, slave training, submissive

Alternatives To Physical Punishment

May 20, 2021 By Evie Lupine 2 Comments

Want to learn how to better discipline your submissive?

Then, check out this amazing video by the fabulous Evie Lupine!

Alternatives to Physical Punishment: MORE Effective Discipline! [BDSM]

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, bottom, consensual, contracts, discipline, dominant, fetish, power exchange, protocols, punishment, resistance, rituals, submissive, Top

On Discipline

May 6, 2021 By Ms. Rika 4 Comments

naked male sub bound
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

As we all know, one of the composite phrases in the acronym, BDSM, is B&D: Bondage and Discipline. In  this context, discipline is defined as actions that are applied to the submissive, while the submissive is  bound and incapable to resist. Discipline could be impact play, humiliation, chores, etc. Urban Dictionary has a reasonable definition for B&D: “used in reference to practices involving physical restraint and punishment” 

Of course, “Discipline” has other meanings, both within, and outside of the context of B&D. The Oxford  definition has several, two of which are particularly pertinent to this discussion. The first is also often  thought of in a BDSM context: “The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior,  using punishment to correct disobedience.” The second interpretation offered by Oxford hits home for  me in a big way: “Training oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way”. 

In a sense, the subtle differences between these two definitions harken back to my discussion on the  different viewpoints people have on submission: That submission is either the passive or active role.  There are those who feel that submission is about having things done TO you by a dominant, whereas others (like myself) prefer to think of submission as being dedicated to doing things FOR a dominant that  the dominant feels is FOR them. In the first, submission is passive: Things are done to you. In the second,  submission is active: You are doing things for the dominant. 

In this same way, the first definition of discipline is about doing TO the submissive. The submissive is the  recipient of training; the recipient of punishment and adjustment. The goal of this discipline is  obedience, as defined by the dominant. The dominant is the one doing the discipline…the sub is  accepting it. This is what many people think of as submission. The goal of the submissive is to ACCEPT  the discipline and adjust their behavior. 

The second definition is focused on the submissives themselves. The submissive is structuring their own  behavior to act in a specific way. They are providing and generating the energy required to enforce their  own desired traits. They are motivated by an “ideal behavior”.  

For those who have talked to me, read my books, or read my articles here in KinkWeekly, you already  know that my preference is for subs to be self-disciplined. Self-discipline, in a power dynamic as a  submissive, implies that the ideal behavior to which you are aspiring, is known to serve the dominant  the way the dominant prefers to be served. The dominant sets and communications the ideal, the submissive works to achieve it. 

This is very different than having discipline thrust upon you. When you are “trained to obey”, your  behavior is motivated by the consequences of not obeying. The discipline is manifested in the form of  punishment and behavior modification. Contrast this to self-discipline, in which the dominant  communicates desired behavior and the submissive chooses to structure themselves to deliver against  that specification, motivated by their desire to serve the dominant in the best way they can.

To me, this is fundamentally the difference between “Submission” and “Acquiescence”. Read my article  on this subject, or my books, for more information about this distinction. 

So, when a sub boasts about how much they can accept, absorb, or endure…when they talk about  punishment and the need for restriction in order to remain focused on serving – I quickly lose interest. I  have no interest in manipulating submission. My interest is in defining submission clearly, so that my  submissives can provide the self-discipline needed to fulfill their need to submit to me. 

A sub who demonstrates discipline is far more valuable to me than one who accepts discipline. If you’re  a dominant and feel the same way, communicate that to your submissives. Change the way they think of  submission. If you’re a submissive, consider that your dominant may prefer you to be more self disciplined…and may not have even thought it “proper” to ask it. I strongly recommend that you use  these definitions as a discussion-point to help you further define your power dynamic with your  partners. It’s one of many steps on the road to mutual fulfillment! 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm relationship, consensual, contract, discipline, dominant, fetish, kink, power exchange, protocols, punishment, reactance, resistance, rituals, submissive

Erotica: Echie Grown

September 5, 2020 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

woman tied to chair splashed with water
via stock.adobe.com

***all pieces of erotica are based on safe, sane, and consensual practices. We never condone anything that is NOT consensual.


“Thrall, come here,” he said, wiping his fingers on a cloth in his lap.

​She was the only other Thrall in camp besides Peeper, so Echie knew he must mean her. She hurried around the ring of officers. “I don’t have wine, Master.”

​“I don’t want you to fill my goblet. Put the pitcher on my table and assume the position.”

​She complied and was kneeling beside his table in seconds, knees wide and arms loose, looking up to him with confusion.

​“I’ve been watching. Do you feel as changed as you look?”

​Her mouth dropped open, mind startled into silence. “I—I don’t know how to answer, Master.”

​The play of emotion on her face was new as well. None of the anger that used to be there. 

​“Not once in these days since I arrived have I seen you paddled. Not once have you earned a punishment. This is not normal and I have noticed. What has brought about this change?”

​She blinked at him, taking pause. Also a new action for her. Echie spoke quick, heedless to any impropriety.

​“Master Jacek , Your Highness,” she said quietly.

​“How has he managed to do what no one else could?”

​“I—I don’t know, Master.”

​“That answer is not acceptable. Give it again and I will cane you. What is it Master Jacek does that makes the most disobedient cunt in court suddenly become the example for all on what a good slave should be? Answer me.”

​“It has not felt so sudden to me, Master,” she nearly whispered, eyes lowered. “It has been a very long and hard road. What does Master Jacek do?” She looked up to Preece again, disconcertion plain in her eyes. “Everything. He demands more of me than anyone else ever has.”

​“His punishments are worse than mine?”

She nodded.

​“What is his punishment when you misbehave?”

​“I kneel in the corner.”

​“That’s it?” Preece questioned. “He puts you in the corner of his tent and this is somehow a worse punishment than my favorite cane?”

​Echie nodded, swallowing nervously. She had to answer honestly, but was beginning to fear that she was going to anger him.

​“Why?” he asked, keeping his tone even and non-threatening.

​“Why, Master?”

​“That is what I said.”

​She shifted her weight, eyes lowering again to think and not looking up again when she had her answer. Yes, very different indeed. 

​“Because to have your cane is to have your attention. To have a paddling from one of the grooms, or Morcone or…anyone…is to have some sort of attention paid to me. The sting for the rest of the day and the marks for a day or two remind me of those attentions. When Master Jacek puts me in the corner, he does not touch me or speak to me. I am completely ignored until he is no longer angry with me. He also has me wait in a corner for him if he has no use for me but I am sent to him,” she ended offhand.

​“No use for you? Does he not fuck you every chance he gets?”

​“He does not, Master. Maybe one day in four.”

​“I see. How is punishment different from waiting?” Preece asked.

​“For punishment I face the corner, Master. For waiting, he now allows me to face the center of the tent and we may converse.”

​“Now allows you to face center? Why now?”

​“At first…well, when he first came…when I was…before—“  She stopped, took a breath. “Forgive me, Master…I really don’t—“  She halted again, realizing the word that was about to follow and searching fast for different ones. “…have words to explain.”

​“Yes you do. Stop worrying that every word is going to get you into trouble and say what it is that Jacek did or does that makes you so changed. Don’t make me repeat the question again.”

​Her brow creased, pinching her eyes in distress. She heaved a breath and started again.

​“When I was bad, no one really seemed to care. The Masters would smile and chuckle and it didn’t matter. I could be as bad as I wanted and no one did anything but give me some whacks. I wasn’t special to anyone, like Hanar is special to Master Rainko and Dohan was special to you. Not even when I was the King’s favorite, short lived as that was,” she mused. “I didn’t have anyone to please because no one expected me to try to please. Master Jacek never smiled or laughed when I was bad. He was the only one who ever told me so long as I continued to behave in that manner I would never be anything more than a cunt for fucking.”

​Her brow creased, not liking the thought.

​“I realized he was right. Even the Queen only saw me as a disobedient cunt. That’s why she brought me on the tour to be the example on how to discipline. She expected me to be bad and earn punishments so she could show the entire country how to properly punish a disobedient cunt.” 

​A realization she did not like one bit.

​“Jacek was the only one who insisted I behave,” she continued in softer tone. “From the first time we met, Jacek told me I would wait in the corner until he wanted to use me. And that I would earn the privilege of serving his table.”

​“Did he even have you serve his wine?” Preece asked, finding her tale an interesting one.

​“Cunts only fuck. They do not serve Master wine. Cunts don’t have a name or open doors and they don’t speak. They are a set of orifices for use and nothing more.”

​“How did you like that?”

​“I didn’t, Master. Not one bit. For the first time since I can remember, I wanted to please someone. I had to work to please him, work to earn my name, even to wear the flowers of Thrall.”

​“And so here you are two months later, sitting to the Queen’s left.”

​Echie nodded, her eyes coming up to his in plain truth. “I don’t know how it happened. I was just trying to get through one day after the next, sometimes one hour into the next.”

​“When is the last time you were caned or paddled?”

​She had to think on that. “For punishment or for Master’s pleasure, Master?” she asked.

​“Punishment.”

​Her face pulled back, eyes widening as her mind sought backwards. “Um…a couple weeks, I guess?”

​“And the last you got for a Master’s pleasure?”

​“A couple nights before we arrived at Lord Quye’s home, I think.”

​“Is a caning something you want to have for pleasure now?” he asked.

​“Not particularly, Master,” she replied quietly.

​“Why not?”

​“I’d rather have intimate attentions and be close with touching and kisses than receive a caning, Master.”

​“Why?” he pursued.

​“I don’t kn—I mean…”  She sighed hard and he could see she was coming close to tears for trying to supply so many acceptable answers.

​“Is it that you have found the value in Master’s most tender touch when before all you understood of love was his paddle?”

​Her relief was visible and she nodded vehemently.

​Preece looked to Dohan and Jacek sitting across from him with empty dinner trays. “Doe, go to my wagon and bring the short frame. Show Jacek how to set it up.” 

​Echie startled out of her skin, having not heard the two men return to eat. How long had Jacek been listening? Had he heard her full confession?

​The wood rectangle was brought and Jacek learned how to stake it to the ground on both sides. The base was a square for stability and the overhead portion high enough to stretch a slave tall on her knees. When it was ready, Preece stood in front and snapped his fingers sharply. Peeper and Echie both presented themselves, looking up to him and waiting. He pointed at Echie, then gestured to the frame. She crawled forward and he swiftly bound her wrists overhead. Walking around to see her from all sides, he noticed the soldiers drifting over to watch the show. 

​“Peeper, service this quim until you are told to stop.”

​Echie’s mouth fell open in a gasp. She had never been strung up to a tree in the courtyard to receive such reward. She had always been one to make a slave scream and cum for the Masters’ enjoyment. Tonight it would be her squirming and her crying out to amuse their eyes and ears.

​Peeper’s wide open mouth closing over the flesh of her womanly mound held a new, sensuous quality, the eyes of the soldiers new meaning. The sound of a strap landing caused her to flinch as if it struck her own back. He didn’t swing the strap hard, only enough to make a good noise and give Peeper a little incentive. He was careful to aim for her upper back, keeping well away from her bruised bottom. It wasn’t long before she had Echie straining in the shackles and screeching in climax. The soldiers chuckled and commented on Preece’s strap technique.

​He barely heard them, attention focused tightly on the two slaves, gauging every movement and expression. He paused the strap to step inside his tent and bring out his thicker cane. An end under Peeper’s chin backed her from Echie to wait. He rolled his sleeves another flip to rest above his elbows. A hand slid down Echie’s arms to cup her breast and give a firm squeeze as he bent low to Peeper’s ear to whisper instructions.

​Cane in right hand, strap in the other, he brought the strap down on the diagonal to land a long kiss from right shoulder blade to left ribs. She rose up to lip Echie’s nipple and he gave her a few seconds before swinging the cane. It struck Echie’s right buttock and she gasped with the thudding jolt. No pain, but the smack was firm. A strike to Peeper, the next to Echie, increasing each in force and speed until Echie was taking as hard as he wanted to deliver it. Not nearly as hard as he could swing, of course. Not nearly so hard as Peeper could tolerate. But strength wasn’t the point. Making her scream wasn’t the point, though her grunts and gasps were gorgeous. She took a full hour, perfectly capable of taking more.

​Squirming and tensing on her knees, Peeper’s lips offering a tender caress to balance the sudden,  thuds, Echie was being driven to a new level of need. When he slid his hand, cool and soft, over her hot, welting buttock, she shivered for him in a way she had not previously. His hand slipped between and under to find her slickness. The touch sent a gruff, startled cry from her, brought her jerking downward in spontaneous climax. The shackles would not let her go far, however.

​The soldiers chuckled knowingly, joked about how she could take them all on. Preece grinned at Captain Kron’s declaration that he would have her first.

​“If I ordered her to, I’m sure she would. But I think she is craving the cock of a specific Master,” he said, handing Peeper the cane and sending her to his tent with it.

​He bent again, to Echie’s ear, his hand under her chin to force her face upward. Her eyes fluttered open, glazed and dreamy. Her first deep and real Dream Space.

​“When you please Master Jacek, you please me. When you displease Master Jacek, you displease me.” He opened the shackles, expecting the fall to her forearms on the wooden platform.

​“You could all mount her exactly like this and she wouldn’t give a single protest. Would you, cunt?” he asked, the tip of his boot nudging her thigh.

​Gasping for air, she couldn’t reply. She had known the beating slave’s dream space from many, many paddlings, but this was the first time she had been given sexual stimulation during any beating. It was totally different, far deeper a sensation, like floating half outside herself. Certainly the longest caning she had taken. She had not wanted it to end. He’d not even touched her left butt cheek. Or her thighs. There was much more caning to be done before she would be satisfied it was enough.

​“Master Jacek, the slave Echie is to be rewarded for her honesty and her diligent service this day. Use her as you choose.”

Excerpt from the novel PEEPER
Universal link: https://books2read.com/u/bOxRLK


TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for over 30 years in private and more than 10 years in public venues. 

She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page —  https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor

She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Tagged With: bdsm, consent, kink, master, mistress, power exchange, punishment, sex, slave

The Punishment Dilemma

June 11, 2018 By Baadmaster 8 Comments

hooper-headmistress-118Dirk Hooper Professional Photography-http://www.DirkHooper.com

Last week I answered a submitted question. It proved popular so I will answer another BDSM question – this one from a discussion at the legendary Los Angeles dungeon, the  Lair deSade.

“I am a new Domme and have been trying to learn as much as possible. One thing truly baffles me. If I find a submissive who likes pain, and it seems that most do, how do I punish him? If he likes flogging, for example, I can’t really flog him as punishment, can I? How should I approach this dilemma?

This is a very common question; I wondered the same thing when I started my BDSM journey. It is only natural to contemplate how you punish a submissive who loves pain with pain.  In my opinion, there are three distinct responses to your query.

The first one addresses the use of punishment in the training of a submissive. Who says you have to actually punish a slave to maintain discipline? There are many slaves to whom the Master’s displeasure is more than enough to keep them in line. They rarely, if ever, require physical punishment. After all, did you need bodily punishment in school to get you to do your homework? The disapproval of your parents or peers was usually enough. It can be argued that to achieve lasting behavior modification, no matter how minimal, that the desire to do so trumps any exercise in reprimand. With a “self-correcting slave,” to coin a phrase, the mere look of dissatisfaction by the Master or Mistress will suffice; this slave will adjust his/her behavior to please the Dom/me, punishment or no punishment. This “self-correcting slave,” of course, doesn’t imply that “Mistress never works.” If you find a slave who fits this mold, you must still be firm, demanding and consistent in explaining what your requirements are. This slave needs as much guidance as a submissive who has to be physically punished. Don’t think you can just “sleep all day” and you will have the perfect slave. Basically, you must “discipline” her/him; but you are using a look of disapproval, a verbal reprimand or a word of guidance instead of physical castigation. It requires the same dedication to the task of training that the “punishment system” does.

The second analysis concerns the way pain registers in the brain. It can be argued that a spanking administered at a dungeon play party would invariably register as “pleasure” in the slave’s brain. Whereas a spanking given with a harsh look, under corporal conditions (“How did slave disappoint Mistress?” “I did not obey Her orders.”) would be perceived as pain — or even worse. Basically, the setup for the spanking will determine whether it is pleasurable or painful. Think of it like this. If you were spun upside down in a chair, you might consider it torture. Ride an amusement park ride that is similar to the upside down spinning chair and you will think of it as fun! Same stimuli, dissimilar mindsets, different results. Thus, you can discipline your “painslut”, if that is your desire, by setting up the punishment scene differently than a pleasure scene. The sub must know it is punishment to perceive it as such. Make sure you avoid the “spank me I’m a bad girl/boy” scenario because a painslut will eat this role-play alive. In this case, spank for fun. Not because she is a “bad submssive.”

Finally, not even the “King (or Queen) of Painsluts” has an affinity for every tool of torment. He/she might love the flogger but hate the paddle. Or a sub might worship the whip but despise the cane; or adore the crop but loathe tight bondage. Part of the fun of BDSM is experimentation. You should try every toy you can on your slave and find out those the submissive loves and those she/he hates. The key is to find at least one activity that the slave abhors. This might take some doing; you might have to live at the toyshop. But once you find that magical punishment implement, you are set. Remember, all you need is one!


About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

Tagged With: baadmaster, correction, discipline, dom, hard limits, masochist, power exchange, punishment, sadist, soft limits, sub

This week in kink: May 28, 2018

May 28, 2018 By Dexx 6 Comments

metallspitze-16x24www.voxart9.com

This week we are featuring an amazing artist named Brian Vox. To check out more of his work click here

About the Artist:

Brian Vox has been creating art for more than 40 years. His work ranges from acrylic to digital paintings and thematically tend to revolve around pinup, surreal, and fetish. Several works include mixed media design with his trademark steel cage-frames or beautiful Shibari rope. His work is darkly sensual. Evoking a beauty that is exciting to the senses. It contains a hint of something unreachable and unnerving, yet the overtone is sleek and erotic. He has always felt that the female forms portrayed have a power and strength. These are not damsels in distress. They are powerful creatures fully exuding their sexual confidence. Sometimes abstract, sometimes photorealistic. His work is intended to please the eye and excite the senses while allowing the viewer to initially question the topic and pull the beholder around and through the subject into a worId of the libidinous imagination.


ricks-1-16x24www.voxart9.com

June 8 at 9pm at Lair de Sade (Los Angeles) Sinister Insight Night is hosting a submissive/slave training, punishment/discipline, reactance/resistance panel moderated by Slave Bunny.

Click Here For More Details.

We hope to see you all there!


thistle-and-silk-18x24www.voxart9.com

Ever wonder why powerful, upstanding men like to be spanked?

Click here to find out why.


fashion-shibari-3-12x36 www.voxart9.com

Pregnancy shouldn’t keep you from doing what you love! Click here to learn how to practice BDSM safely while pregnant.


 Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to news@kinkweekly.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink”

Tagged With: bdsm, Brian Vox, discipline, dom, fetish, kink, lair de sade, master, powerexchange, pregnancy, punishment, reactance, resistance, sinister insight night, slave, slave bunny, slave training, Spanking, sub, submissive training

Healthy Dominance

May 28, 2018 By slave_bunny 3 Comments

fashion-horse-10x20 www.voxart9.com

I have noticed there are a lot of new individuals in the community that seem to be unclear about what a D type really is. A lot of these individuals are also unaware of the responsibilities that come with being any rendition of a D type.

Being a Dominant entails so much more than just telling people what to do and getting your fantasies met by doing so.

Sure, Doms can consensually tell others what to do, and in doing so get their needs and wants met. However, there is so much a Dom must consider before making a demand.

First, the s type’s hard limits must be considered as well as their soft limits. It would go against the job description of any Dom to do anything that would actually physically or mentally harm the s type. The Dom must always keep the sub safe.

Soft limits should also be considered because some soft limits are situationally- based as well as mentally-based. What I mean by this is, some soft limits are only safe to be explored in certain settings and/or when the sub is in a certain headspace or feeling a certain way.

Second, what the s type can realistically handle and can physically/mentally do should be considered as well. The Dom should NEVER set the sub up to purposefully fail  (unless this has been pre-negotiated and consented to). Now, the Dom can ask for things that might be trying and/or challenging for the sub (again as long as it is consensual and no hard limits are crossed). However, if the Dom knows that what is being asked has no chance of being successful, then I would highly recommend not asking for said thing. Furthermore, if what you wish to ask for is very important to you, you could potentially train the sub on what they cannot do at this time (in hopes that they can perform the task or fulfill the order in the future). Please note, that there are some things that cannot be trained and other things that can. It’s the Dom’s job to gather enough information to know the difference.

It’s also important to not get upset and/or angry at where the s type is currently. It’s always more beneficial to accept the s type, and proactively and practically work with them to help them serve you better. It’s totally acceptable to correct the s type’s behavior, but be careful not to correct who they are. This could negatively affect their self esteem.

If you find that you no longer wish to be in a power exchange dynamic with your sub, then that’s your right as well, and the healthiest break up protocols should be followed by all parties (these should be dynamic-specific).

Again, if you choose to stay with your submissive, it’s important to work with them as a team or at least consider them a part of the team even if all parties have agreed that the sub is considered less than the Dominant.

Third, the Dom should always take into account their own mental state and physical state. You may wish to discipline or punish at a particular moment, but realizing you should not punish until you calm down can be a sign of an aware Dom with great self control. Self control is paramount for both D types and s types. It can be your best friend when you want to do something, but realize you are not in the best headspace to do said thing.

I am also not recommending that punishments and/or discipline get thrown to the wayside because you are too angered and/or upset. I am merely suggesting to recognize when you are experiencing negative emotions that could impede your judgment, and then postpone punishment/discipline until you are in a calmer state. For example, you could tell your sub you will have their punishment for them within 24 hours, or  let them know you need five minutes to cool off before talking to them about this, or you could tell them to wait in the corner and think about what they have done until you have calmed down (which would begin the punishment even before you are calm enough to continue talking about the matter). These are just a few options. There are many more to choose from.

Bottom line, the important thing is that you are always fair and just-even when punishing, disciplining, and/or correcting. When emotions are heightened that can put fairness and justice on the back burner. Just like a submissive may have to train on specific skills, so might a Dominant. The difference in training is that the sub has the Dom leading the training, process, and the Dom has to lead their own training (unless the Dom has a D type of their own or a mentor).  Doms are people too, and their emotions need to kept in check just as much as subs.

Often, Doms are role models for their subs. With this being said, it would be in the Dom’s/relationship’s best interest to model the behavior and/or core values they wish the sub to exhibit/live by. I am in no way saying that Dominants should act submissive, or behave exactly like their s types, or have the same behavior protocols. I am merely stating that if a Dominant wants their submissive to be honest, they themselves should be honest.

I have often heard debates on whether or not Doms should apologize to their subs and/or talk to them about their errors.

I am a firm believer that it is the D type’s responsibility to own their error and make necessary modifications as needed. Now do they need to grovel or give a lengthy apology?- NO!

But they at least need to be willing to adjust things so the s type is safe and not put under potentially harmful physical and/or mental strain.

It’s human to have too high or unrealistic expectations. I am sure these things happen in nearly every power exchange relationship. And that’s totally okay. The essential thing for Doms is that you make healthier adjustments as needed. This requires you to be flexible, humble, and caring about your s type’s well-being to some degree.

In short, it’s important to know when to healthily/consensually push, and when to modify. Every situation is different, and a Dom’s task is often to balance challenge and adjustment.

It’s also important for a Dom to carefully observe not only the s type’s words and overt actions, but also their subtler mannerisms such as body language. You can often learn more about what the sub thinks and who they are by paying attention to these things. Doms who note these kinds of things will have more success in knowing when to push and when to pull back.

I have always heard mindfulness talked about from a sub’s and slave’s perspective, but mindfulness is greatly needed for everyone in any kind of dynamic.

Unhealthy implementation of dominance can create resentment, willful disobedience, and even dynamic dissolution. Healthy dominance can breed respect, trust, happiness, obedience, and a very strong foundation for any power exchange dynamic.

The D type wields all or most of the power in a relationship and/or scene. Because of this, it is up to them to set the tone and establish the path the dynamic will be on.

Of course, it is the responsibility of the s type to want to serve and to follow what the D type has prescribed. However, the D type is the leader and creates the overall ambiance of the exchange/relationship.

In closing, D types should be humble, logical, stable, understanding, intelligent, and in tune with their s types (this last point may vary based on whether one is talking about a scene, a power exchange relationship, or pick-up play. Nonetheless, the D type must be in tune with the s type to some degree. The D type cannot act as if the s type isn’t there and their boundaries don’t exist).

I hope this article has helped others gain a better understanding of  D types’ responsibilities.

As always, thanks for reading and stay tuned!

Click here for the sister article- Healthy Submission


About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

 

Tagged With: communication, consent, discipline, dom, hard limits, master, mistress, negotiation, play, powerexchange, punishment, scene partner, slave, soft limits, sub

Punishment

May 21, 2018 By Baadmaster 9 Comments

eva-2Mistress Eva with sub. Check out more pictures at https://www.youwillpleaseme.com/

One of the most popular — and exciting — features of D/s is the training of a submissive by a Dom/me. Usually this entails the use of both positive and negative reinforcement – the negative side typically being punishment. I had covered the technical aspects of punishment in two previous articles here on kinkweekly.com – The Punishment Manual Part 1 (https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/punishment-manual-part/) and The Punishment Manual Part 2 (https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/punishment-manual-part-ii/ ). But I wanted to address many questions that remained with regards to punishment.

I also wished to add a warning that BDSM life in the year 2018 would require. Unless you are in a long-term D/s relationship – and even if you are – I would take one important step before you start to train any submissive. Make sure you have a signed and/or videoed consensuality agreement with the submissive you are training – especially if you are using serious physical punishment in your schooling. In this day and age, one can never be too careful. Now back to the topic at hand!

Ideally, when a Dominant starts to train a submissive, the object is to mold the sub to the Dom/me’s specifications. The traditional BDSM  – and most effective — way to do this is though the judicious use of punishment…and reward. Contrary to myth, punishment (meaning something the submissive truly hates as opposed to a spanking which he/she may secretly enjoy) by itself will not train a submissive or a slave successfully. Or at least not as effectively as the use of both punishment and reward.

In general terms, the Dominant trains his submissive to please him or her. One of the most fun things in BDSM (and surely the most popular) is training a submissive in ways to please the Dominant sexually. The Dom/me might train his/her submissive how to pleasure him/her orally, how to dress in a way that turns him/her on, how to make-up and even how to walk.  So let’s peek into a submissive’s diary to see what being “trained to please your Master” really entails. (This is an actual slave’s diary!)

Sir called me over to present myself for inspection. I knew the routine well. After all, he had been training me to do it exactly his way for a month now. And his punishment for getting it wrong – sitting in the corner for an hour – is just too painful to bear. I spread my legs – bare, wearing five inch high heels and no panties as He had instructed – and stood in front of him, eyes cast down. He touched my pussy. He felt it. He put his fingers in it, into “his property” as he called it. I felt a rush of pride until he told me that I hadn’t done an acceptable job shaving my pussy.  

He stared at me in silence, then he punished me by slapping my face once. It did not hurt; but it was so humiliating. I do not think I will ever forget to shave to his specifications again.  It was that humiliating.

He then had me suck his cock.  I did it exactly the way he had trained me, the ways he likes it.  I was scared I might displease him like before; but he told me “good slave” as he got hard as a rock. Sir then had me use my hands to make him cum. Afterward, he praised me and told me how much I pleased him. This was made me feel so wonderful.   I love pleasing Sir so much.

(Note: if this slave ever had “buyer’s remorse” for the face slapping, you will be glad you have a signed and/or videoed consensuality agreement. It is not ironclad legal insurance, but it sure helps if problems arise.)

In this above case, both punishment and reward were used so that the Dominant could get his slave to do things exactly the way he desired them. The punishment, in this case, did not entail extreme pain. A simple face slap did the trick because this Master understood his submissive well enough to know what she truly hated. Many times a Dominant automatically thinks a spanking or even a caning is the proper punishment. This is not necessarily the case — and surely not for a “painslut” (slang for a submissive who enjoys pain). The best punishment is that which the submissive hates. But the Dominant should never forget reward, either.

This use of both punishment and reward applies to non-sexual tasks as well. In BDSM “discipline” training – which ranges from proper use of etiquette to complex presentation rituals — the principles remain the same. A Dominant who only uses punishment as a training tool is using only half of his arsenal.

Of course, the obverse is true. Reward alone, too, is usually an inefficient training tool.  When a submissive fails in tasks or training, swift punishment is perhaps the only way to call attention to this failure.

The Dominant, much like a parent, should strive to make all punishments consistent.   And they should be administered in a calm manner. The Dom/me who loses his/her temper and punishes out of rage will lose his submissive’s respect. And maybe his submissive too!

 

About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: baadmaster, discipline, dom, master, punishment, reward, slave, slave training, sub, submissive training

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