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The Importance of Recognition And How It Differs From Praise

October 27, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!

In my past articles and books, particularly when discussing CERAF (Communication, Expectations, Recognition, Assessment, and Feedback), I’ve highlighted the importance of “Recognition” within power dynamics. The “greatest fear” that submissives have repeatedly expressed to me, is that they are in their dynamics alone; that the power dynamic is in their heads; that their partners are somewhat indifferent to the power dynamic; and that they are fabricating the connection themselves.

When experiencing this fear, many submissives will test the resolve of their dominant partner. They will act up, become irreverent, or outright challenge their dominant partner. They seek attention – but not just any attention – they seek to force the dominant to demonstrate that they understand their position and will “use it” to bring about compliance.

This type of behavior is problematic on many fronts, all of which serve to dilute the dominant’s position of authority: It forces the dominant to respond (when they don’t want to) – a form of manipulation, it openly challenges the dominant’s authority – a direct denial of the dynamic, and it often results in “topping from the bottom”. It is clearly NOT DESIREABLE.

I was in a discussion a couple of days ago, where the topic of “Praise” of a submissive came up. Although the participants weren’t directly identifying it as such, the key points of the discussion were primarily revolving around the submissive’s “fear of abandonment”. They brought up the sullen nature some submissives will take when they are not “appreciated”. They even brought up the bratty behavior of some submissives, when they feel the dominant is not as involved as they wanted. The idea was that praise was important to give a submissive, when the submissive did something for you, to acknowledge their efforts and to make them feel good about their service. To encourage them to continue to serve.

Praise is fine; when it’s appropriate and deserved. However, I took the stance, that praise wasn’t the important factor in demonstrating the acknowledgement they were seeking, but rather that RECOGNITION was the key. I claim that it isn’t critical to praise a sub, but rather to let the sub know you recognize their efforts – recognize them from a position of dominance – and recognize the submissive intent the sub had when performing the action. This sends a clear and consistent message: That you are involved in the dynamic, expect benefit from it, and have interest in making their submission the best it can possibly be for you.

For those linguistic sticklers, I point out that there is a huge difference between praise and recognition. Recognition may not always be praising and can even be constructive…and yet, still be very confirming. Demonstrating to a submissive, that you recognize their efforts to serve you, helps to reassure them that they are not alone in their efforts…that the power dynamic is shared and important to both of you.

Recognition can come without assessment. “I see you trying” is different than “I like what I see”. Recognition is always positive to receive, even if the ultimate assessment isn’t. For example, if I correct a submissive as they attempt to do something to serve me, I am demonstrating that I see their efforts and are receiving them from a position of dominance with the submission he intended – however, I am correcting him – so the actual message is that there is something he could be doing better and I expect him to understand the correction and adapt to it.

There is a reason “Recognition” is at the center of CERAF and that it is independent from Assessment and Feedback. It could be argued that Assessment and Feedback are already forms of recognition…and that would be true, IF you could provide IMMEDIATE Assessment and Feedback. However, there are several reasons why it’s not reasonable to give immediate Assessment and Feedback: Life gets in the way; It may not be convenient at the time; It may be tiring at the time; It may take a more prolonged performance to provide a complete assessment; etc. Even in such cases, it’s important to demonstrate recognition of the sub’s effort.

It doesn’t have to be a large, or even spoken, recognition…it needs to be one that is understood by the submissive to mean “I see you trying”. Those of you who have read my writing before, may remember “Simple Gifts” – Things you can do, that take no effort, that make no commitment – but communicate recognition. It can be a knowing glance or smile, a quick “Good boy”, a “You serve me so well” …or even a “we’ll talk about this later”.

Submissives who receive immediate recognition of their submission, even if it is independent of the assessment of their efforts, are far more likely to continue to strive to “submit better”. Immediate feedback that their efforts are recognized provides continued incentive. The assessment will come…Submission is not a “one-and-done” event – it’s a lifetime journey of growth, feedback, reassessment, and improvement. But quick and immediate recognition keeps the connection active and present.

Praise is great. Praise, when deserved is something I never hold back. But praise requires assessment – and sometimes, assessment takes time. And sometimes, the assessment is not positive. Dominants, recognize your sub’s efforts immediately; and communicate your assessment whenever it is convenient. You will find that their performance will be far more consistent and rewarding!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Erotica: Barbie Girl

October 27, 2021 By Sunny 2 Comments

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***This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business, events and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. All characters are consenting adults.

I hum the song again softly to myself. It’s stuck in my head. The words play again in my mind. Life is plastic. It’s fantastic. I giggle out loud. Not plastic….wax. I begin to drift again. My head spins. I’m dehydrated. I reach for my bottle of diet coke and lift it to my lips. I freeze in place. The bottle in my hand is very real but all I can see is a version that resembles a tiny toy soda in a doll house, the liquid is really only a swipe of paint in acrylic. No liquid touches my lips.

“Need a little help baby?” my Daddy asks, returning from the bathroom and taking in my frozen state. I can’t move, legs extended in a rigid pose with one hand still holding the Coke. I manage to move my lips. I find sound.

“Daddy? Am I a little girl or little doll?” I whisper, my voice magnified by the open bottle still close to my lips. He climbs up onto the bed and bumps the end of the bottle up a little bit higher, allowing the soda to flow into my mouth. I swallow and sigh in relief. I am so thirsty. I giggle again as the music in my mind plays anew. This time I hum the tune out loud. Dress me up, make it tight, I’m your dolly.

“You’re a little girl sweetheart,” he soothes me, and I relax my body finding I can move after all. Yay fractionation. I am hypno fucked-up. “You need to drink more fluids baby,” Daddy encourages. Diet coke is not ideal but it’s what’s available in the hotel room on demand. “I wonder if the soda can make you come?” he teases, knowing my whole body is sensitized and wanting to encourage me to drink.

I lift the bottle to my lips, this time with two hands, only to find myself stuck again. Fucking fake plastic soda. “You’re my little girl sweetheart,” Daddy gently reminds me and bumps the bottle again. This time, as the bubbles flow down my throat orgasm tears through my body.

How did I get here? Oh yeah….Daddy turned my key. I’d eaten some chocolate, melted and then re-solidified into one large confectionary chunk. We’d checked in to this hotel and agreed to a little dolly time. The hypnosis had done the rest. I lie back against the mattress and as I float, I relive the evening all over again.

My entire body tingles, every vibration, every touch and sound, bringing me close to orgasm. Daddy locks my private collar around my neck. “What does this collar mean?” he asks me, beginning our ritual.

“I belong to Daddy,” I respond instinctually. This is the correct and only answer, and I’m rewarded with a “good girl.” As he pins me to the mattress with his large hand around my throat, Daddy reminds that my collar is not the only lock that matters. He is in possession of a very different sort of key. It clicks into place and my body becomes rigid.

Daddy spreads my legs and bends them on the bed. The don’t budge and inch as he laps between my thighs with a skill that makes me scream out my pleasure, but only in my mind. My lips remain silent. I am a motionless compliant doll, a fucktoy at his disposal.

Daddy climbs on top of me, bending one leg and then the other like a pretzel, with my blue painted toes pressed against his chest just under his chin. He lifts each arm in turn around his neck and they lock in place, arms straight and bent at the wrists. They remain fixed behind his head as he crushes my body under his weight, folding me in half, and slamming his cock inside of me.

My body can’t move of its own accord but it produces slick and I am wet and ready for Daddy. I don’t have to ask permission to come because I am unable to speak, and the tiny convulsions that make my muscles quiver and the spasms of my kitty around his shaft are the only indication of the ecstasy he brings me.

Daddy withdraws from my core and extends my limbs before rolling me on my belly. He lifts and turns me effortlessly, and I feel him mount me with my thighs pressed nearly together and one of his legs outside of each of mine. The position is impossibly tight but he presses against me with expert precision and pounds into me with the ferocity of a wild bear. He growls as he slams my petite form into the mattress, bringing me to release again and again, before finally spilling his seed in my belly.

I lay still on the mattress, trembling internally when I hear him whisper in my ear. “Are you ready for the wax?” Yes I’m not sure if I answer in my mind or out loud. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t need my permission. As the first drops of wax strike my skin, feeling like burning rain, each new pour causing orgasm to detonate inside of my silent form, I feel that my humanity is melting away. I have no fears or concerns, only sensation. I am simply a doll, an object of pleasure, my Daddy’s most cherished possession. My thoughts drift completely away.

“You’re my little girl,” Daddy soothes, gently bringing me back to the present reality. He tosses me over his shoulder as if I weigh nothing and carries me into the bathroom where he gently washes away the wax and the traces of our love. I enjoy his ministrations as he runs his soapy hands over my body, gently towels me off, and tucks me into bed. A powerade is discovered packed in the overnight bag, and hydration is achieved. I won’t need any melatonin to sleep tonight snuggled against my Daddy’s chest. His scent envelopes me as he holds me close and helps me sink into a deep and natural sleep. “You’re such a good girl,” he whispers, to the last traces of my consciousness as I drift off in a sea of bliss and darkness takes me.

Sunny Leigh Mayne is writer of romance and erotica specializing in dark romance and fetish/BDSM stories. An active member of the BDSM community, her interests include erotic hypnosis, dollification, sensual BDSM, and primal play. Identifying as pansexual, Sunny enjoys writing stories that are inclusive of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities. Her writings are intended for mature audiences aged 18 and older, and may contain some content triggers that some readers may find disturbing. She is also a visual artist and enjoys creating erotic art using mixed media. A lover of animals, and a proponent of animal rights advocacy, Sunny has several pets at home. Characters in all stories by Sunny Leigh Mayne are adults and any similarities to persons real or fictional are purely coincidental.

Taking Impact Beyond 101

October 27, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

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One of the photographs of the human body with colors blocked out all over it has been making the rounds among my local community again. It suggests that it can specify safe zones for impact.

While a couple of assumptions must be made to make those charts accurate, such as assuming first a lightweight flogger is the only impact implement being used, as well as assuming every body responds the same way to that stimuli, I get that all of the people who have made them probably have the noble intentions of educating newcomers. Unfortunately for their good intentions, I strongly disagree with the concept of a chart on principle.

For starters, let’s just talk about a body part I universally saw as “green,” or totally safe for impact, on the many charts Google fetched me: the forearm. Sure, it’s a “green” zone if we’re talking lightweight flogger, but what if we up the weight of that flogger to around four pounds and make it out of bullhide? Are you still as comfortable calling that a definite “green” zone? What if we stop assuming floggers at all and swap out for a bat? After all, those charts just specify impact safe zones, not the tool being used. We still good to go for an impact session with a bat on a forearm?

Immediately, we all see the weaknesses of trying to set a universal standard of what is okay for a given implement without taking the time to learn it specifically. Instead of trying to create a chart for everything, I’d much rather see us treat impact with the seriousness it deserves, as it can absolutely be edge play.

Start with questions.

What are the characteristics of my particular tool? Does it have heft or is it light? Is it rigid or flexible? A very lightweight and flexible tool, such as a small flogger, is unlikely to be problematic for use as you explore a body with it. Moving up from the buttocks and thighs, other than kidneys and face, there aren’t many places that will be off limits, particularly when using it lightly. In contrast, even a small rigid tool, such as a mallet-type implement, could be dangerous if used on the spinal column, over the shoulder blades, or on other areas where bones connect or are closer to the surface: knees, elbows, shoulder blades, even hipbones.

If it wraps a torso, leg, or other body part, will it speed up and create a secondary impact point of greater intensity? Anything with flex has the potential to create a “wrapping” effect as it turns a corner around the body. The speed of the implement is greatly impacted by that motion. Some people stand on a principle that one should never wrap when using such implements. Other Sadists I know use that technique to make sure they get some chest or breast hits in even if working from behind. It is definitely a more advanced skill, and one that should be practiced on a pillow or other target prior to attempting it on a partner.

Is my tool going to spread the impact over a larger area, or will it be concentrated on a focused point? Concentrated impact is often going to result in stingy sensation. Whips, canes, and dragon tails are excellent examples of those types of implements. In contrast, a large padded bat is going to spread out that force. The larger the area of impact is, the less precision there can truly be. You are going to hit across a larger area simply due to the nature of the object. If you are impacting a spot the size of a dime, you’re going to have an easier time making sure you focus on specific spots. Make sure to evaluate each one for its potential to damage if used on the ass, the thighs, or the upper shoulders individually. Two similar bats can be constructed differently, create different impact, and thus need different considerations during use.

There is no “one way fits all” in kink. Impact is no different than the larger framework. We have to find tools which work for us, and in doing so, we have to make analytical decisions about what will be safe to attempt when using those tools. Please discuss all risks with your partners prior to beginning, and know that mistakes can happen regardless of being informed about risk. Please communicate and be conscious of limits with each person you may try impact with. Safety is imperative.

Temperature Play vs. Chemical Play

October 27, 2021 By Joji Sada 3 Comments

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More than once, I have talked about definitions. I have learned over the years that compatible definitions prevent miscommunication.

It wasn’t until recently that I came to understand my definition of temperature play was not the same as the broader community. To me, temperature play is any type of play that brings intentional hot or cold sensation to the skin. In my experiences with temperature play, I have had wax, ice, anbesol, capsaicin cream, and icy hot used.

For perspective, I need to express how sensitive my skin is. I have three conditions that affect me the most.

Cold Urticaria is an allergy to cold. It causes intense itchiness, hives, and swelling of the skin that was exposed. A cold glass (such as a drink with ice in it) can cause my hands to swell if held for more than 2 or 3 minutes.

Cholinergic Urticaria is an allergy to heat. It causes intense itchiness and hives. I rarely swell from the heat, but it happens occasionally. I wear driving gloves in the summer to allow me to touch my steering wheel to drive to work. A hot cup of cocoa or a hot plate of dinner are often too much to touch my bare skin.

Dermatographia (Skin writing disease) is a sensitivity of the skin that causes any kind of surface scratch (meaning no skin is broken) to turn into welts or hives. Something as simple as nails across my skin can welt for a couple of hours and look like I was in a fight.

All three of these are treated with antihistamines like Benadryl. I am allergic to those.

As I am sure you can imagine, my kink looks different than yours. I know which sensations affect me more than others and Master will decide how we play depending on the condition of my body at the time. Ice is the hardest for me to play with. So, we do not often use it. Cold is the second hardest since it takes me hours to warm back up. We play with that more often (such as having the playroom cooled with a fan or AC). It tends to intensify the sensations of impact without cold implements touching my skin.

Now that I have expressed how sensitive my skin is, let me explain that I am allergic to most chemicals. I have a specific body soap, shampoo, and laundry detergent I can use. I often break into hives just by touching everyday objects that have minimal residue from other people.

If you can hear the frustrations of testing the waters of temperature play over the years, then I am sure you are snickering at my misfortune. Now, we simply shrug off the physical representations (like hives) and Master pays more attention to my body language and verbal communication.

Whew.

That was a lot of physical limitations to cover, wasn’t it? Are you wondering how I function? Don’t worry, some days I do too.

Master and I enjoy pushing ourselves. Which, in turn, means people believe we play risky. If you watch us scene, I often finish with excessive welting. I refuse to allow my skin to prevent my ability to explore different types of play.

So, back to where this conversation started.

Temperature play.

Since my skin has such unique reactions to everyday items, I have always counted temperature play as anything that affects my skin. Things like icy hot, which burn me, fall under “hot” sensations. Things like anbesol, which can turn your nerve endings to ice when combines with a fan, fall under “cold” sensations.

I got into a debate with someone about my definitions. “Because,” they said, “you are advocating for chemical play, not temperature play.”

Well, I had honestly never thought about it.

But I had to ask myself one major question, “does definition matter?”

Between Master and I, this new categorization did not matter. Why? Because He and I are aware of my medical issues, and we adjust accordingly. I am physically affected by both chemical and natural compounds. So, what we call it isn’t that important as long as we play safely.

However, my definition does matter in regard to the education I provide to the local community. Temperature play and chemical play has different safety measures that should be considered.

So, I am going to share with you some of the differences I have learned.

Firstly, both types of play fall under an umbrella term: Sensation Play.

Sensation play is basically any type of play that is intentionally meant to push the sensory limits of an individual. This can include soft touches (like feathers), hot and cold sensations (such as the use of fire, ice, or wax), sharp touches (like pinwheels or needles), varying textures (like sandpaper), or the removal of one sensation to enhance other sensations (such as blindfolds or noise cancelling headphones).

If we are being honest, I would say 75% of play can fall under this umbrella. So, the key is that Sensation Play is about intent.

Then we have Temperature and Chemical play.

Temperature play is the use of naturally occurring items (like ice) that cause the body temperature to rise or fall. This can be an entire body experience (such as playing outside in inclement weather) or localized to singular spots on the body.

It has been specified to me, by a couple of people, that I am no longer allowed to consider urine/water sports as temperature play. It, apparently, requires its own negotiation and classification.

It is generally expected that the temperature changes need to happen on bare skin, but I am not opposed to the idea that playing naked in 20-degree weather or playing fully dressed in a sweat suit in the summer, falls under this category.

**Please beware of the hazards of heat stroke and/or hypothermia if attempting the aforementioned ideas**

For the following discussion, please understand that I do not advocate the attempt of this type of play, nor do I advocate the use of any of the chemicals listed, on anyone beyond myself. I use the acronym P.R.I.C.K (Personal Risk, Informed Consensual Kink). You are all adults. What you do with your partner and/or with your body is your responsibility.

Chemical Play is the use of chemicals to produce a specific reaction or sensation on the body. The most common items are tabasco, icy hot, rubbing alcohol, peppermint/spearmint, and ginger.

The most fascinating aspect, to me, is that many of these items fall under more than one type of play.

Rubbing alcohol, for example, can be lit (by either a source of fire or electricity) and now you may be taking part in fire and/or electrical play.
Ginger oil would fall under chemical play due to its reactions with the excretions of the body. But ginger root, which causes similar reactions, falls under food play.
Tabasco creates a similar burning that icy hot does. However, because it is edible, it also falls under food play.
Peppermint/Spearmint can cause cooling, burning, or numbing sensations. They can increase sensitivity in the mouth and genitals. The sensation can come from chemical sources (such as mouthwash), natural food items (such as mints, gum, candy), or artificial chemical means (such as anbesol—which does not taste like peppermint but creates the same sensations).
By definition, wax is also a type of chemical play. However, it is generally considered its own entity.

*Regardless of the type of chemical play you may decide to play in, I recommend testing your reaction on a small, generally non-sensitive patch of skin first. The forearm or leg are a great place to start…before deciding to use it as lube.

Whether you want to delve into temperature play, chemical play, or any other type of play that crosses over, the most important advice I can give is to know your partner. Beyond their limits, know their reactions.

Master and I are aware that many of the items we use will cause a reaction on my skin. Hives are something that we most often just brush aside. He knows to look for a reaction like dizziness or excessive lethargy to signify a more substantial reaction that may need medical intervention.

However, if anyone else is on his table, and he sees hives or welts (beyond the expected results of the type of play), he will call the scene and move into aftercare/medical mode.

It is always important to include allergies when you negotiate. As I mentioned above, hives are often treated with medications like Benadryl. Benadryl, if given to me, causes seizures. I would rather deal with the hives and the itchiness than the seizures.

My restrictions make me extremely cautious regarding pick-up play. My style of negotiation (blanket consent) does not give me the personal freedom of experimenting with anyone outside of Master (or anyone Master chooses). These are my choices.

But, that does not mean you cannot experiment. If you have medical issues, you need to remember a couple important points.

Advocate for yourself. Do not compromise your health. Know your allergies, your reactions, your cures.
Medications taken and allergies (to medication or otherwise) should always be disclosed to your partner.
Keep your emergency contact information within reach. On the off chance that you become non-responsive, your play partner should know who to contact, whether 911 is necessary or not.
Respect the preferences of your potential partner. If they do not feel comfortable having a scene with someone with medical restrictions, respect that. Patience is difficult, but your safety is worth it.
Allow yourself to work within your limits for pick-up play. I recommend pushing limits with a more permanent partner or one intimately familiar with your restrictions.

And, above all, know your partner’s definitions.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

This week in kink news: November 1, 2021

October 27, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Learn what identifiers such as bottom and top say about your sex life with Well + Good!

Click below to find out more!

What Identifiers Like Top, Bottom, Vers, and Side Mean in the Scope of a Healthy Relationship With Sex

Dive deep into what it means to be bisexual with Paper!

Click below to read more!

Jen Winston on How to Be a Greedy Bisexual – PAPER (papermag.com)

Interested in ethical non-monogamy?

Then, check out this intriguing article on the subject from refinery29!

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Video: Symbols Of Ownership

October 27, 2021 By Kinky Assignments 2 Comments

Want to learn more about the symbols of power exchange dynamics?

Then, click below to find out more!

Collars and other symbols of ownership and submission in a BDSM relationship

Watch this video on YouTube

Showing Appreciation in BDSM And Power Exchange Dynamics

October 20, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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Gratitude: We recognize and enjoy what our partners do for us. We are humble in our receipt of their efforts. We want to express our appreciation to them in a way that expresses our deepest gratitude. Dominant or submissive, when our partners are gracious with their time and focus, we are compelled to show our gratitude. I am always grateful for the dedication and commitment my subs provide. I am open and honest regarding what their submission means to me as a means of validating their efforts.

But too often, appreciation is shown in a way that is intended to modify behavior. The difference between “Appreciation” and “Reward” is blurred. Appreciation shows gratitude…Reward is manipulation.

I was having an online discussion the other day with a man whose wife had just agreed to lock him up for the month of October (Loctober). He was expressing how thrilled he was that his wife had agreed to put him in chastity and that she had also agreed to tease him throughout the month, so that the impact of his denial would be maximized. As this decision was something he had asked her for, and, though she felt she might enjoy it, did not feel it was something that “served her” directly, he recognized she was providing a gift to him; that she was voluntarily signing up for a sub-centric month that would put responsibility and obligation on her, for the expressed purpose of piquing his libido.

He wanted to show his gratitude and had come up with what he considered a good way to communicate it to her. He decided to do a huge number of tasks, chores, etc. for her during the month and to write down each and every thing he did in a journal. He felt he would then present it to her at the end of the month as a means of saying “Thank you”.

Honestly, I was a little confused. My first instinct was to change the journal from a list of things he did for her to a journal of thanks – for allowing him to do those things for her. Rather than saying, “I filled your car with gas today”, I felt it would be better to say, “Thank you for letting me fill your car with gas today. I enjoyed feeling useful and helping you avoid doing something you dislike”. I felt that this would be better than just listing things she likely already knew that he did, with no real mention of thanks.

But then, I started thinking about the whole idea of this journal – and realized that, intentionally or not, he was anticipating playing the manipulative game so many men who want to be in chastity play: He was going to try to show her the “Benefits” to her of keeping him in chastity – by being especially good while locked up, doing things with no resistance that he COULD do for her without the chastity – but won’t.

Effectively, this journal would be communicating: “Look at all the things I am willing to do for you when you keep me desperate and horny!” The message is loud and clear: “If you want me to do these things without resistance, here’s the way to do it”. It’s a form of manipulation which is, unfortunately, quite common with men who like chastity play.

I was very pleased that he was recognizing that being locked up and teased during October was a treat…something she wanted to give to him, for him. It was good that he recognized her generosity and wanted to show his gratitude. However, the means of showing that gratitude were falling directly into that stereotypical, manipulative trap.

I posed the question to him: “What are you showing your gratitude for?” My assumption was that he wanted to show his gratitude for her spending all that time teasing him and thinking about his situation…keeping his libido piqued, etc. So, I asked him, “Why not say THAT in this journal?” I told him that it would be better for him to thank her for applying so much focus and attention on him and his libido. I challenged him to show that appreciation by directly appreciating what she’s doing without using it to encourage further interaction.

October is just beginning…his “Loctober” is only a week in…there will be plenty of fun times ahead of them. If they keep up the schedule of tease that they anticipate, he will be MIGHTY desperate come Sept 1! I hope she’s aware and ready for the “obligation” of making the release – after such a long ordeal – something worth remembering. We’ll see.

We’ll also see if he rectifies the manipulation within his journal plan. He states that he didn’t intend to manipulate her, but can see how doing what he was intending would do that. But the proof is in the pudding – and if she’s not aware of the potential for manipulation – he may not be able to resist. Only time will tell.

Appreciation is best shown in a selfless manner. You need to find a way to show gratitude without self gain. Make sure you’re not “Rewarding” behavior – rather, that you’re “Appreciating” it. Then your partner will have a clear, unencumbered view of the pleasure their gift brings you – and thus, reap the true benefits – to them – of giving treats.

Erotica: Bad Kitty

October 20, 2021 By Sunny 2 Comments

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I stand before him in just my panties. They’re the little ones with pink ruffles on the edges and a print made of tiny pink hearts and kitties. He’s standing at the foot of the bed. The new frame has arrived and I note the iron bars on the headboard that allow plenty of attachment points for restraints.

He unbuckles his belt and I feel the slick begin to soak my panties. I’m always wet and ready for Daddy. I smile as he sits down on the edge. Daddy feels my energy shift. “Not so fast Babygirl,” he says, folding the belt in his hands and making my heart begin to race. “I know it’s been a while since you’ve seen Daddy but I think someone has been touching her kitty and making explosions without Daddy’s permission.” I look at my toes, shame heating my cheeks and turning them pink. “Do you know who that little girl might be?”

I look up at Daddy and my eyes begin to brim with tears. “Blaidd,” I whisper, always being honest with Daddy. “I’m sorry Daddy, it’s just been such a long time.”

“I forgive you sweetheart,” Daddy says, “but we need to make this right before you deserve to have Daddy’s cock.” Daddy knows I’ve had the special herbal blend that heightens every sensation in my body. I’ve already begun to tingle when he pats his lap, indicating that I should assume the position. I’m nervous but I don’t fight him this time. I know that I’ve been naughty, and it has been a lot of times.

Daddy peels my panties off gently, and sets the soaked fabric aside. He runs his fingers through my slick as he lays me over one knee on the bed and tosses the other leg over my lower back, pinning me in place. CRACK. The first strike lands on my bottom. It hurts and I whimper. “One,” I count out loud.

Two more strikes land, and while it hurts, the herbs are in full force now and I notice that every touch, every brush of fabric or Daddy against my skin, causes tingles between my legs. Even the belt strikes, which bring pain with every blow, begin to hurt good. “Five,” I count.

Daddy lets me up and I’m surprised. Only five stripes is generous of Daddy given the number of illicit orgasms. “All done Daddy?” I whimper. Daddy smiles and massages my sore bum for a moment, nearly causing me to come. I resist. I’ll be sure to ask permission this time.

“Not quite little one,” he says gently but firmly. “You see, Kitty has also been naughty. She was an active participant in this week’s shenanigans.” I pale just a little as he grabs me around the waist and drags me onto the center of the bed. This time I do squirm and resist as he binds me spread eagled on the bed with a cleverly hidden set of underbed restraints. “It’s only fair baby, you have a very naughty kitty.”

I cry out when the first blow of the belt lands directly on my clit. The strikes are fairly soft but my anticipation amplifies the sensation by a thousand times. The pace begins to increase as I whimper and squirm on the bed, soaking the sheets beneath me. The hardness of the strikes begins to gradually increase, right in time with my pain and arousal.

I call his name out loud now. “Daddy please,” I beg, unsure if I’m pleading for the pain to stop or for it to continue. The blows keep coming down and certainty about what I need fills my mind as I find myself on the precipice of coming. I ask permission this time. “Daddy please. More. I need to explode.”

“Good girl!” he says enthusiastically, increasing both the speed and the intensity of the belt. “Come for Daddy!” His words and the frantic beating of the belt push me past the brink of sanity. as pain and pleasure bleed together and I detonate, convulsing on the mattress.

Daddy frees me and pulls me to my hands and knees. “Now you deserve Daddy’s cock,” he announces before looping his belt around my ribs and slamming into me from behind. I scream silently now as he uses the belt to control my breath while he pounds relentlessly into my tiny, abused kitty.

I gasp as he loosens the belt just enough to let it slide down and retighten around my waist, and using it for leverage then, begins to fuck me with abandon. I claw the sheets and whimper as he snarls behind me and sinks his teeth into the tender flesh between my shoulder and my throat. “Mine,” he growls, words clear despite being uttered around a mouthful of me. He doesn’t release me until he makes his own explosion, filling me with his seed.

We both collapse on the bed, and he pulls me close, catching some of the seeds dripping from between my thighs and pressing his fingers into my mouth. I suck them clean and he kisses me deeply then before wrapping me tightly in his arms. “I missed you,” he says, as I press my forehead to his and run my hands along the sides of his face, memorizing every line and curve. “I missed you too,” I whisper. “With Daddy is where I’m meant to be.”

What Happened Last Week

October 20, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

Domme holding cock cage — via stock.adobe.com

This week, I decided to share a true story. I often get asked what life is like for my submissive hubby. I’ve talked about his birthday celebrations in the past…days dedicated to tweaking his fantasies for him. But the following happened last week, which is kind of normal for us, and I thought I’d write it down in prose form for my readers.

NOTE: I run the risk of hokey dialog, but I don’t know any other way of depicting what happened. The exact words might not be these, but they do capture the gist – forgive me if it ends up reading like a letter to Penthouse:

I told him to kneel, and he dropped immediately.

I didn’t find his compliance surprising. It was rather expected; the result of 15 days of edging and denial. He was surely aching, although he never would complain. But when I “accidentally” allowed my hand to brush his crotch, his involuntary gasp and sigh gave him away. I could almost see his knees buckle. I figured I might as well help him out.

I knew he was almost at the point of losing reason. I was stretching his self-control – testing his will to remain obedient. Desperation is a regular state of mind for him, so I knew his resolve would win out. Still, this was the perfect time to tighten the noose, so he was going to need to experience how well I understood the condition I was cultivating in him.

To increase desperation, make the sub talk.

“Tell me what you want”, I looked down at him and he averted my gaze. I put my index finger under his chin and lifted his face so I could stare deeply into his eyes. “Tell me what you want. I want to hear it from you”.

“I’d like to please you. Make you scream.”, he said. “Make you scream” is our “lingo” for oral sex. I knew that he was being “good” and making it about me – and I wasn’t going to let him get away with it.

“Is that all?”

“No Goddess. I’d also like to come…please” he closed his eyes.

“Please? Are you begging me?

“Yes, Goddess. Please”

I laughed a bit and played it up: “Do you call that begging? I don’t think you’re serious enough. Maybe you haven’t gone long enough. Maybe a couple of more weeks?” I knew he was truly desperate and that his brain was clearly unable to fathom reason. What a perfect time to make him panic!

“No please…please. I beg of you. I beg you to please let me come. I can’t take any more of this…I mean, I will if you want me to, but please don’t want me to!”

I turned sideways in front of him and lifted the bottom of my blouse from my pants. I watched as his eyes sunk into my backside, loving the sleek look of my leathers. I swear I saw him tremble.

“Kiss my ass while you beg. Maybe I’ll do what you ask!” – I actually do sometimes give him what he wants, so it wasn’t an empty possibility.

He fell into my body immediately. I felt his hands grab my hips and pull his face close to my ass. Then I felt desperate kisses, creating tiny circles on my ass cheeks, moving around until finally his face buried itself into the crack of my ass, pressing against the material of my pants.

I pushed him back. “Where is your discipline? Slow kisses…gently…around my entire ass”. He was going to have to control himself.

He struggled to calm down. When I let him go, I felt his lips press against the cheeks of my ass, giving soft gentle kisses in concentric circles.

“Don’t get my slacks wet!” Always making sure he stayed focused. Give him something else to think about – in this case, keeping his kisses dry. Leather…focus…More desperation.

“Oh…see? You CAN do it!”. I gave him some time to continue his efforts – testing to see if he’d tire. But he continued to gently kiss. I knew he was struggling to keep his composure – binding his own hands behind his back with his will. Exhibiting the self-discipline he knows I demand in hopes of gaining my favor.

As he continued to kiss, I popped my hip out to the side, giving him a nice “S-Curve” to look at. “Tell me what you want, slave”.

Between his kisses, he sputtered, “Please, please…oh God…please, please let me please you!”. He was regaining his rational mind. Trying to position his need in terms that would be about me, rather than his selfish needs. I decided to test that a bit more.

“Rub yourself”, I softly demanded. I heard him moan and shift and play with himself, careful not to break the rhythm of his kisses. “You want to make me come? I might let you do that for me. Would that make you happy?”

“Yes…yes. Please, Goddess. Please”.

I stepped away and slowly turned to face him.

“Look at you! On your knees, playing with yourself like a schoolboy! Don’t forget to play with your balls too…pull them down. Oh, You poor desperate thing. You ARE desperate, aren’t you?”

He was going to have to admit it out loud. His own words are so much more powerful for driving him into his subspace than any others.

“God yes! Please. I beg you! I’m desperate!” His rubbing increased tempo.

“And who made you desperate?”, I prompted his demise.

“You…you made me desperate”

“Me? You allow me to control you like that? Why?”

“Because it pleases you and I’m your slave.”

I chuckled. Then came that perfect moment.

“Please Goddess, may I please stop masturbating – I will come if I continue”

Music to my ears! As instructed, as trained: The “Please Stop Me From Orgasming” rule is always in effect. Even though he so badly wants to come, he exhibited perfect self-control. Rather than begging me to come, he is instructed to beg me NOT to let him…even at his own hand. Total control because it’s all in his mind.

“Yes, slave. You may stop”, I calmly responded.

He let go of himself and slumped forward, catching himself with his hand against the ground. “Thank you, Goddess”

I walked closer to him and straddled his head, squeezing it gently between my legs. “You’re welcome, my pet!” I heard him inhale. I let him stay there for a moment, knowing that the smell of my leather slacks would further drive his journey down. I stepped back.

“Kneel up – hands behind your head”

He assumed the position immediately, breathing heavily. A strand of precome stretched between the tip of his penis and the small puddle on the floor. He was clearly ripe and ready. Poor baby.

I walked over to the couch and motioned for him to crawl to me. I had him take my pants and underwear down while I played with his hair. I let him kiss my belly and slowly work his way down to my pubic bone.

I put my hand on his forehead and pushed it backwards so he was looking up to me. Our eyes locked. “What do you want?” I asked again.

“Oh God, please let me eat you!”, he was delirious, deliciously desperate and perfectly hard.

I sat back on the couch and let him get close to me. I put my legs over his shoulders and shifted upwards towards him.

“Take your time. Serve me well” I instructed.

He was talented at oral sex when I first met him, and has been a very attentive student through the years – a great combination. His only wish is to get as close to perfect for me as he can. I’m more than willing to help him, although I openly admit, there are times when he does things I can’t explain – but want again!

He gave me two orgasms: The first a slow, long, drawn out, warm-me-all-over come; the second far sharper and more sudden. It was all I could do to let him maintain connection when the second one crested.

I looked down at him. He was so content and yet, so wanting. His erection had not faded throughout. I wanted that inside of me.

“Put it in”, I directed. He quickly slid into me. I was so open and ready. He slumped down against my chest, kissing and nuzzling my neck as he thrust against me. We were hitting a rhythm and I could feel his desire. I love that animal drive.

He was getting close, I could feel him swelling inside of me. Then, dutifully, he offered his ultimate submission, yet again: “Please let me stop”, he groaned out.

I considered the moment while he hung on the edge – awaiting permission to not come; I just LOVE that irony. I let him stew for a moment, well-aware that I was playing with fire. I could feel him slow down, just a bit, holding himself just short of going too far, but not wanting to stop without permission. So dutiful a servant, even under such desperate conditions.

“OK…you can stop”, I “relented”.

I could feel him collapse inside. I watched as he delicately and carefully stopped all motion, allowed himself a moment to recompose, and then slowly and carefully, pull himself out.

“And?” I inquired.

“Thank you, Goddess”, he mustered, trying to sound as sincere as possible. I’m sure the word “Bitch” was on his tongue tip at that moment – so I gave him some leeway despite him seeming a bit insincere.

“You’re welcome, puppy!” I rubbed his hair as he slipped down to a low kneel. “You can finish me now”, I leaned back and pulled his head once again to my pussy. He ate me deep and hard, his desperation driving him beyond. “Oh…you serve me SO well, slave”, I gave him encouragement and recognition. He just moaned and delivered. It was heaven.

The final orgasm was another long and warm, full-body toe-curler. By the time we were done, I could tell that he was getting back into full sub-mode; no longer disappointed that he didn’t orgasm, but rather loving the fact that the steady ache in his groin was making his head so much more subby.

It was time to give him a treat – something that he loves that will help him firmly establish his sub space…just for him. For my sub, the best gifts have to do with my feet. I stood up next to him, stepped into a puddle of his precome so that it squished into my toes, and lifted them to his mouth so he could clean them. I repeated the process until all the puddles were just wet-spots. He dove into this task with enthusiasm and gratitude.

When he was done, I stood him up and gave him a big kiss. Then I told him that I was going to take a shower and that he should put on some shorts, run my water, and turn the towel-heater on. Then he could go make dinner.

He thanked me (quite sincerely) and went off to the bathroom.

As I readied myself for my shower, I considered how lucky I am to have such a diligent and devoted submissive. I know he feels lucky too. For him, there’s no telling how many days of this type of close-call T&D I will put him through. Sometimes I let him come right away – other times, this type of “scene” could last weeks. He never knows. Sometimes, I don’t even know until the moment comes.

Last week, he “suffered” for three more days of edging (a total of 18 days), before I finally allowed him to orgasm onto my feet (and eat it up). Then I gave him 10 minutes to recover and then it was a night of massage and service – right back “on the horse” – no slacking off, just because the desperation is gone.

This is our life together. We both couldn’t be happier. I’m glad to share a little episode!

This week in kink: October 25, 2021

October 20, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

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