tpe

Consent in a 24/7 TPE Power Exchange

August 26, 2021 By SafferMaster 3 Comments

sexy women in lace on bed blindfolded — via stock.adobe.com

Everything in kink requires consent. It is only inside of consent that the activities we engage in can occur. Without consent, many of the activities we engage in might in fact be considered crimes. From 1,000 feet away, that is certainly true. On the other hand, simple things, especially now that the nation is opening up again and we are starting to hear about clubs and play spaces opening up again, engaging with kinksters in a public space requires consent. “Is it ok if I do this ….?”

Negotiating in pick up-play for instance, requires at the very minimum, that consent around hard limits is discussed and agreed to, but what about consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic? How is consent managed where one person gifts their power to another.

In our situation, I am a sensual sadist, and my partner is a submissive masochist. For me to be fully self expressed in my sexuality, I need her to operate as my uninhibited collared slut that gifts me her submission with her consent. It is a given.

The question that consideration raises though is how do I know I have her consent? Its not like we go through a daily scene with me asking her with every action I take if I have her consent. So how do I know.

One aspect of our dynamic is that we both operate with the full understanding that each of us is 100% responsible for the health of the dynamic. That requires that each of us respond to any event, thought, statement or suspicion that there is something perhaps out of sorts by addressing it immediately. We also hold an especially important context of our dynamic at all times. That being that there is nothing wrong. So if one of us sees or says something that raises concern, that awareness arises in context that there is nothing wrong so we can deal with what’s actually so. We do not allow stories to enter into the discussion. At first, as we were getting related and learning about each other’s habits and routines, we had cause to have a conversation around this idea that “there is nothing wrong” and once we established that as a context for our relationship, there have been few if any circumstances where we would have to address each other from a place of mistrust.

Another aspect of our dynamic is that we are both sex forward and kink forward. This is something that was established even before we met. We both wanted to live in a dynamic that was highly sexualized. The upshot of that is that we play almost daily. The result of having over 1,000 iterations of our kinky sexuality expressed lives as lived is that we know each other pretty well. I know when I am pushing her limits and I know when she is on the edge. I am responsible for keeping her on the edge and not taking her past her limit.

At the beginning of our sceneing, once she had been claimed, and even to this day after being collared, she has safe words. Yellow for “I like this but it’s a bit too intense at the moment, keep going” to “Red” which in our world is simply to “stop now, check in and see if we should continue”. And remember, there is nothing wrong, so reding out is not a big deal. At the same time, I can tell you that she has used “yellow” a couple times 3 years ago, and she has never needed to red out. She was told at the outset that “I don’t break my toys”. This gave her confidence to test her limits.

This brings me to the most important part of consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic. Consent is based entirely on trust.

I have had to earn her trust over time as her Master and as her Dom.

Consider when we met, I had been operating as a disciplinarian in one dynamic and has a cruel sadist in another and as a Bull in another and she had never been in a kink dynamic although she had been doing kinky things all through her adult life.

We had to find a way to relate as kinksters so that our dynamic pulled each of us in directions that we wanted to explore, and to expand our experience of our own sexuality as we explored the twists and turns of the rabbit hole together. This was a process of trial and error. Mostly we talked a lot. Before, during, and after scenes. I tried many fetishes and kinks with her and she had the experience of being all in. When things got too hard, she yellowed and after when asked about things we did, she would say, “I liked this, or I didn’t like that”. This enabled me to hone the ways we played so that I kept her in a state of heightened arousal, which is what I find deeply arousing. I want her in a trance state on the verge of climax at all times during our scenes.

I am sexually aroused when the woman I am with is present with me and puts herself forward to be my sex toy. My 3-hole slut, my personal masochist. And my partner, Lady Petra does just that. The trust that is present goes both ways. There are times I want her to Top in a scene to explore some aspect of my own sexuality, like prostate massage for example, and I need to have complete and unwavering trust in her too.

One of the ways I know I have her consent is that she chooses to kneel for me whenever I ask. I have also given her the right to choose to kneel without my request so that if she feels the urge to be used, she can request that I use her by presenting herself. If she did not feel like I had her consent she would never put herself forward to be used day after day. The act of preparing for use is consent itself.

The fact that in being used, she experiences multiple squirting orgasms for about 40-90 minutes at a time is perhaps one reason that she consistently puts herself forward…but I contend that our communication is clean enough that if she did have something to discuss regarding our play or our dynamic, she would do so.

Our dynamic is a 24/7 dynamic in fact. It encompasses every aspect of life. We have created protocols for many of the specifics that day to day life requires. Why that is important is that our adherence to protocols allows us to keep a monitor on the relationship in the same way that a pilot monitors his or her instrument panel. All the dials on the jet’s instrument panel point in one direction. So, if one dial is out of sorts (pointing away from vertical), the pilot will notice it immediately. This is similar. If there is not adherence to one or another protocol it is similar to the instrument panel dial pointing in the wrong direction. In our dynamic that is unlikely though, because Lady Petra is extraordinarily obedient, and I am very much turned on by her obedience.

One aspect of our consent agreements boils down to this. We agree to put the dynamic aside and speak as equals if need be. Early on in our dynamic, we had to do this a couple of times till we could get flat about whatever it was that was bothering one or the other of us. For more than 2 years now, that has not come up. One reason is that we are both being responsible for the dynamic as I noted earlier. We take the idea of creating the dynamic seriously.

I am responsible for creating how I occur to her. She is responsible for creating how she occurs to me. She pulls me to her by they way she shows up for me. She creates me when she prepares herself to be used and lets me know that she is indeed ready for me. This means that however long it takes me to get there, I will find her kneeling offering me her leash, or on days when she is ready to be marked, she offers me the cane.

I am also responsible for how she occurs to me. Consider that. If she is upset, its my responsibility. Its up to me to get to the bottom of it and to do whatever is needed to get her back to being happy. I leave her the way I leave her. So, when she is upset, I own it, and when I say I am responsible for how she is experiencing me, it is both disarming and affirming. The point is that it is my responsibility to create her experience as my collared slut. I want her fully enrolled in being my personal masochist. My personal perfectly designed 3-hole whore. My fuck toy. I want her to have the experience of feeling like being with me is a magic carpet ride. Every day. How do I know I have her consent? Because after I use her, she sits up and takes my face in her hands and kisses me passionately telling me that I am a magician. We describe our experience together as “bliss”. We both experience what our Tantra friends call “a Kundalini Awakening”.

I have her consent because we are both experiencing the deepest, most connected, most intimate, highly sexualized, satisfying, passionate, hottest loving relationship we can possibly imagine. And we created it. It has turned out better than we could possibly expect.

She chooses to kneel for me. This is how I know I have her consent.

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com

New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

Does A Slave Have Autonomy?

September 19, 2020 By Joji Sada 4 Comments

male dom having a conversation with his female submissive — via stock.adobe.com

There is no greater debate in the BDSM community than when it comes to definitions. Since BDSM is a personal journey, how we define things is molded by our experiences. We are influenced by the people we are with. Through both good and bad encounters, we are constantly growing, changing, and evolving.

Today, class, we are going to discuss an age-old argument.

What is the fundamental difference between a submissive and a slave?

I do not have the answer. But I would like to have a debate with you and share the debates I’ve had with Master.

If you have ever googled the definition of a submissive, you will understand why I refuse to repeat that definition. Instead, I’m going to put down my thoughts on what each of these roles are.

*A submissive is an individual who willingly allows another to take responsibility and control of aspects of their life in an effort to grow as a person.

*A slave is an individual who has willingly given themself and their decisions over to another with minimal to no reservation.

The best description I have heard, and how I apply it to my dynamic, is “a submissive gives over their body and their mind. A slave gives over their body, mind and soul.” The author implied that being a slave was a deeply spiritual experience unparalleled to anything else.

While I agree with their thought process, this is where people diverge on defining the difference. Words like true and real frame expectations into these little boxes and allow us to separate each other. If you do X, then you aren’t a real Dom. If you can’t do X, you must not be a true sub. In reality, the depth of the dynamic, to me, is built within the confines of the mind. The rest is just the show.

Regardless of title, both require trust and communication.

A submissive is seen as a strong, independent individual who kneels out of love and respect for a Dominant. A slave is seen as someone who has gotten in too deep and has no recourse to leave. A submissive can negotiate and set limits while slaves are expected to be doormats. While many view a slave as the ultimate submissive partner (the dream of many 50 shaders and the expected goal of all who kneel), we view them through a harsh lens.

When the life of a slave is imagined, it often involves a 24/7, live-in situation. These are individuals who have no opinions, no decision making, are chained to the bed by the ankle, never allowed to leave the house, and are at the whim of a Master/Mistress. Outside of the community, they are viewed a sex slaves who are trapped and abused.

Above all, the identifying factor of slave implies that an individual cannot have limits or a safeword.

I think that is bullshit.

I had a long debate with Master over this. See, as you all know, I alternate between calling him Mister and Master. One is family friendly; one is kink friendly. I see him as the Master of all things in my life.

I have willingly given him control of my physical being—through correction and health decisions. I have willingly given him control over my emotional being—through communication, sharing of burdens, and the influence of my mental health. Lastly, I have willingly given him control over my soul—I bare it before him each time I kneel and each time I lay before him, so lost in subspace I don’t know my own name.

I trust him with my life and my mind.

That’s a lot of fucking responsibility to lay upon someone.

We talked about our dynamic thoroughly in the beginning and continue to do so. He does not desire a slave. He says that he does not have the time nor attention that is required of one.

Because, how he was taught, slaves are seen and not heard. They are to do absolutely nothing, short of breathing, without the go ahead of their Master/Mistress.

Master hates the term slave when it references me. It upsets him. So, out of respect for him, I identify myself as his submissive. This does not change the dynamic we have. All it really changes is how people imagine us to be.

By Master’s definition, I am not like that.

I do speak my mind when I feel it is important enough. I do take financial responsibility of a portion of our house. I do work outside the home and do so in a managerial position. I am an Alpha outside of our home. Because of this, I do not fit with what the “traditional” definition of a slave.

However, I view it differently.

I speak my mind to keep my Master healthy and happy. I offer ideas that may ease his daily burden. I speak to calm him when life gets frustrating. I think of the worst types of jokes in an effort to make him laugh. I ground him so he remembers to take care of himself the way he takes care of me.

I work as a service to the household. I do what is needed to provide for our family and keep us safe and comfortable. I take part of the financial responsibility, so it does not lay squarely on his shoulders.

My rules do not cease simply because I am outside of the house. The blanket consent I have with him, does not change when the scenes end. His decisions are still final, even when I disagree with the outcome.

I have a safeword to use when needed. We use the color system. Green for good, yellow for check-in, and red for stop. I have never had to use red. We both trust each other enough, that if I have to utter red, something seriously went wrong. We use the safe words for unexpected situations. Was I hit accidentally in a place? Yellow. Do I need to readjust due to pain or numbness? Yellow. Do I need a check-in because the gag is aggravating my asthma? Yellow.

I have yet to come to a situation that requires me to have him stop. Every situation I’ve given examples of are parts of play that could unintentionally injure or break me. If you break your toys, you can’t play anymore. So, we make sure no one is broken.

In the long run, our relationship is what we want it to be, regardless of the labels pressed upon us. Yet, I’d love to see the definition of slave to broaden and develop, just as the community has. I do not need to stay at home to have a deep, spiritual connection with Master. I do not need to be meek and unfailingly obedient to be a good girl. And I sure as fuck do not need to be anything less than what I am to kneel before him and call him Master.

I have all the rights granted to everyone.

I just choose to gift them to someone else.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

TPE

April 16, 2018 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

In our “Fifty Shades/Internet/New Guard” BDSM world, major changes are to be expected. Some, obviously, are good; others not so. And as long as we never lose an insistence on safety, we can examine the changes in an objective way – as opposed to a “get that ball out of my yard” blanket hatred of all things new. I like to spotlight those rituals, traditions and customs that should remain part of the BDSM lifestyle even in changing times. TPE is one of them.

“What is TPE?” The answer is quite simple. TPE stands for “Total Power Exchange,” and generally refers to a 24/7 Master/slave relationship. When I first entered the scene, most lifestylers aspired to have a TPE relationship. As the scene multiplied exponentially, there was no agreement on what, if any, BDSM aims should be. So, let’s look at TPE from a new perspective – that it is but one type of BDSM liaison and not the be-all-and-end-all of D/s relationships.

Let’s first examine the word “total.” On close examination, “total” seems an oxymoron. Can there ever be a “total” exchange of power? I think not. Since slavery is illegal, and “BDSM slavery” is consensual – and negotiable – power is never ceded absolutely, no matter what you might hear. I will once again offer my patented rejoinder to those who claim there is such a thing as 100% “Total” Power Exchange.

“The famous BDSM question, “Would you walk in front of a bus if your Master ordered you to?” is usually answered, “Yes, but Master would never ask me to do it.” That is fine in theory. It sounds good. It works great online. But, in reality, ask your slave to walk in front of a bus and the answer will be, “Fuck you, Asshole.” Notice, the word Master was quickly replaced by Asshole. There are always limits to things a slave will do — things the slave will refuse to do even at the peril of destroying the relationship. There is no such thing as total slavery.

Even though the bus question is an extreme example, you can safely say that in any real-time D/s relationship, the word “total” can never be… duh… “total.” There will always be things a slave cannot or will not do – and things a Master will not ask for. That is what negotiations as to hard limits are for.

Thus, we should think of “Total Power Exchange” as being an idealized goal rather than an attainable one. As the relationship evolves, and as the trust level increases, more and more power flows to the Dominant. Total Power Exchange is a destination you get closer and closer to, but never arrive at.

Now let’s look at the “power exchange” part of the phrase. As has been stated many times, a Dom/me cannot just take power – power is ceded to him/her by the submissive. Whether for an hour or a lifetime, there is a distinct shift of the power dynamic between the two people. And it is this transfer of power that is at the heart of all D/s relationships. Although I have met couples where the submissive ceded a great deal of power from day one, I have also met those who approached D/s in a more careful, “let’s not rush it,” way. Once a significant amount of power is exchanged – and you must be the judge of what “significant” is – you are now on your way to a TPE relationship. You can take the “total” out of the equation, but you cannot eliminate the “power exchange” part. And rituals – which I will cover in subsequent TPE articles – are important parts of any power exchange.

Another, and very unconventional, way of looking at TPE is to ignore the “how close you get to total” aspect of it and concentrate mainly on the 24/7 portion instead. You might say “total” means “24/7” – a “24/7 Power Exchange.” And you don’t have to live with each other to be 24/7. As far as I am concerned, if the D/s hierarchy is always present, even when you are apart, you can be still be 24/7. This creates a much more measurable and meaningful standard. When you think about “Total Power Exchange” in this way, it not only makes more sense, it is also more easily attainable.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

tpe

Footer