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Consent in a 24/7 TPE Power Exchange

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Everything in kink requires consent. It is only inside of consent that the activities we engage in can occur.  Without consent, many of the activities we engage in might in fact be considered crimes. From 1,000  feet away, that is certainly true. On the other hand, simple things, especially now that the nation is  opening up again and we are starting to hear about clubs and play spaces opening up again, engaging  with kinksters in a public space requires consent. “Is it ok if I do this ….?”  

Negotiating in pick up-play for instance, requires at the very minimum, that consent around hard limits  is discussed and agreed to, but what about consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic? How is consent managed  where one person gifts their power to another.  

In our situation, I am a sensual sadist, and my partner is a submissive masochist. For me to be fully self expressed in my sexuality, I need her to operate as my uninhibited collared slut that gifts me her  submission with her consent. It is a given.  

The question that consideration raises though is how do I know I have her consent? Its not like we go  through a daily scene with me asking her with every action I take if I have her consent. So how do I know.  

One aspect of our dynamic is that we both operate with the full understanding that each of us is 100%  responsible for the health of the dynamic. That requires that each of us respond to any event, thought,  statement or suspicion that there is something perhaps out of sorts by addressing it immediately. We  also hold an especially important context of our dynamic at all times. That being that there is nothing  wrong. So if one of us sees or says something that raises concern, that awareness arises in context that  there is nothing wrong so we can deal with what’s actually so. We do not allow stories to enter into the  discussion. At first, as we were getting related and learning about each other’s habits and routines, we  had cause to have a conversation around this idea that “there is nothing wrong” and once we  established that as a context for our relationship, there have been few if any circumstances where we  would have to address each other from a place of mistrust.  

Another aspect of our dynamic is that we are both sex forward and kink forward. This is something that  was established even before we met. We both wanted to live in a dynamic that was highly sexualized.  The upshot of that is that we play almost daily. The result of having over 1,000 iterations of our kinky  sexuality expressed lives as lived is that we know each other pretty well. I know when I am pushing her  limits and I know when she is on the edge. I am responsible for keeping her on the edge and not taking  her past her limit.  

At the beginning of our sceneing, once she had been claimed, and even to this day after being collared,  she has safe words. Yellow for “I like this but it’s a bit too intense at the moment, keep going” to “Red”  which in our world is simply to “stop now, check in and see if we should continue”. And remember,  there is nothing wrong, so reding out is not a big deal. At the same time, I can tell you that she has used  “yellow” a couple times 3 years ago, and she has never needed to red out. She was told at the outset  that “I don’t break my toys”. This gave her confidence to test her limits.  

This brings me to the most important part of consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic. Consent is based entirely on trust. 

I have had to earn her trust over time as her Master and as her Dom.  

Consider when we met, I had been operating as a disciplinarian in one dynamic and has a cruel sadist in  another and as a Bull in another and she had never been in a kink dynamic although she had been doing kinky things all through her adult life.  

We had to find a way to relate as kinksters so that our dynamic pulled each of us in directions that we  wanted to explore, and to expand our experience of our own sexuality as we explored the twists and  turns of the rabbit hole together. This was a process of trial and error. Mostly we talked a lot. Before, during, and after scenes. I tried many fetishes and kinks with her and she had the experience of being all  in. When things got too hard, she yellowed and after when asked about things we did, she would say, “I  liked this, or I didn’t like that”. This enabled me to hone the ways we played so that I kept her in a state  of heightened arousal, which is what I find deeply arousing. I want her in a trance state on the verge of climax at all times during our scenes.  

I am sexually aroused when the woman I am with is present with me and puts herself forward to be my  sex toy. My 3-hole slut, my personal masochist. And my partner, Lady Petra does just that. The trust that  is present goes both ways. There are times I want her to Top in a scene to explore some aspect of my  own sexuality, like prostate massage for example, and I need to have complete and unwavering trust in her too.  

One of the ways I know I have her consent is that she chooses to kneel for me whenever I ask. I have  also given her the right to choose to kneel without my request so that if she feels the urge to be used,  she can request that I use her by presenting herself. If she did not feel like I had her consent she would  never put herself forward to be used day after day. The act of preparing for use is consent itself.  

The fact that in being used, she experiences multiple squirting orgasms for about 40-90 minutes at a  time is perhaps one reason that she consistently puts herself forward…but I contend that our  communication is clean enough that if she did have something to discuss regarding our play or our  dynamic, she would do so.  

Our dynamic is a 24/7 dynamic in fact. It encompasses every aspect of life. We have created protocols  for many of the specifics that day to day life requires. Why that is important is that our adherence to  protocols allows us to keep a monitor on the relationship in the same way that a pilot monitors his or  her instrument panel. All the dials on the jet’s instrument panel point in one direction. So, if one dial is  out of sorts (pointing away from vertical), the pilot will notice it immediately. This is similar. If there is  not adherence to one or another protocol it is similar to the instrument panel dial pointing in the wrong  direction. In our dynamic that is unlikely though, because Lady Petra is extraordinarily obedient, and I am very much turned on by her obedience.  

One aspect of our consent agreements boils down to this. We agree to put the dynamic aside and speak  as equals if need be. Early on in our dynamic, we had to do this a couple of times till we could get flat  about whatever it was that was bothering one or the other of us. For more than 2 years now, that has  not come up. One reason is that we are both being responsible for the dynamic as I noted earlier. We take the idea of creating the dynamic seriously.  

I am responsible for creating how I occur to her. She is responsible for creating how she occurs to me.  She pulls me to her by they way she shows up for me. She creates me when she prepares herself to be used and lets me know that she is indeed ready for me. This means that however long it takes me to get  there, I will find her kneeling offering me her leash, or on days when she is ready to be marked, she offers me the cane.  

I am also responsible for how she occurs to me. Consider that. If she is upset, its my responsibility. Its up  to me to get to the bottom of it and to do whatever is needed to get her back to being happy. I leave her  the way I leave her. So, when she is upset, I own it, and when I say I am responsible for how she is  experiencing me, it is both disarming and affirming. The point is that it is my responsibility to create her  experience as my collared slut. I want her fully enrolled in being my personal masochist. My personal  perfectly designed 3-hole whore. My fuck toy. I want her to have the experience of feeling like being  with me is a magic carpet ride. Every day. How do I know I have her consent? Because after I use her,  she sits up and takes my face in her hands and kisses me passionately telling me that I am a magician.  We describe our experience together as “bliss”. We both experience what our Tantra friends call “a  Kundalini Awakening”.  

I have her consent because we are both experiencing the deepest, most connected, most intimate,  highly sexualized, satisfying, passionate, hottest loving relationship we can possibly imagine. And we  created it. It has turned out better than we could possibly expect.  

She chooses to kneel for me. This is how I know I have her consent.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/  

Pavlovian (Lack Of Responsiveness): Subs Are Not Animals

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

In my discussions with folks in the scene as well as folks who want to get into the scene, I’ve come  across the notion that subs can be trained “like animals”; that they can be conditioned, usually through  some sort of Pavlovian trigger, to respond to cause and effect and behave – perhaps without conscious  acknowledgement – in accordance with the dominant’s desires. There are many folks, usually dog or  horse trainers, who swear by the notion that subs will subconsciously respond to verbal and visual  triggers through the use of repetition and positive / negative reinforcement – and that by using such  techniques, one can create the perfect submissive. 

I’m not a believer. At least, I’m not of the belief that it works the same way as it does with animals. I  believe that there is far more complexity in the form of consent, negotiation, and agreement when it  comes to humans. I don’t feel you “train” a sub; you “enable” them. 

I acknowledge that there are many who will swear that training techniques do work the same way as it  does with animals and have the “experience” to prove it. I challenge their experience: It is my belief that  many submissives WANT to be trained and LOVE the idea of being ‘out of control’ – acting automatically ‘without will’ – and therefore, the techniques of animal training – interpreted as a kinky game and a  means to those ends – motivates the sub to go along with the training. The end result LOOKS like  Pavlovian training, but is actually only effective as long as the sub is willing to play along. When push  comes to shove, the submissive is voluntarily complying…because it suits them. Unlike Pavlovian  conditioning, the result is not subconscious at all…in fact, it’s quite the opposite. 

The difference between humans and animals, is that humans rationalize. A human doesn’t just respond  to stimulus, they analyze why that stimulus occurred and choose how to respond to it. If someone is  creating a “Cause and effect” scenario for them, they seek to understand the motivation of that person; they intellectually recognize how the manipulation is intended to work. Humans may agree and react to  that manipulation, but, unlike an animal, they are consciously aware of the motivation and intent of the  actions and make a conscious decision to comply. That’s how humans work…and subs are humans (most  of them!).  

If you give a dog a treat every time it sits up and gives you its paw, it will eventually associate those  things. Animals learn cause and effect. A dog will do the trick without knowing why you want them to do  so. It does it without knowing they’re being trained. They just know that if they do this, they get that…so  they do this if they want that. 

A sub will also associate the treat with the trick; however, it is far deeper than that. The sub knows that  the dominant is advancing this compensation. The sub understands that the dominant wants him to sit  up and offer a paw … and that in order to get him to do that, the dominant is offering something that  the sub wants in return (or something the sub wants to avoid – in the case of negative enforcement). 

For some submissives, just having the dominant interested in training them in this way is enough to get  them to comply. The compensation doesn’t even matter. It’s enough that the dominant enjoys the  “game of training” and they are excited by the prospect that they will respond in a Pavlovian manner – so they choose to comply. 

For others the sub is deciding – assessing the quality of the compensation and determining if it is ‘good  enough’ to ‘earn’ their compliance. They feel in control of determining what it will take to “train them”.  They may even choose to try to escalate the compensation over time, by slowing down the reaction  time between cause and effect, in an attempt to prompt the dominant to increase the cause to obtain  the same effect. You don’t see animals playing that game (if you can get a paw for a cookie, you don’t  see the dog suddenly start to refuse to give you their paw unless you give them TWO cookies). 

To me, training a sub is more about enabling them than manipulating them. I’m not trying to build up  subconscious reactions to stimuli – there is an “automaton / Stepford” fantasy that’s just not my thing – My approach to “training” is to make sure my objectives and expectations are clear to the submissive and assure that they have the skills and materials to get the job done to the best of their ability. I’m not  threatening them with what will happen if they don’t comply, nor am I rewarding them when they do. I’m simply assessing their performance and providing the feedback necessary (positive and negative) to  demonstrate that I recognize their efforts and am interested in helping them to improve themselves. I’m  completely open with my assessment – their sense of fulfillment when they’ve done a great job and I’m  thrilled with their work, is its own reward…and conversely, if they are not hitting the mark, their own  motivation to improve. 

Ultimately, a sub who is motivated to be the best they can be, will seek out the assessment and demonstrate the self-discipline to improve. They will internalize your goals and objectives as their own. I  don’t need to manipulate them. As a dominant, my job is to be extremely clear in communication of my  preferences and expectations; to openly expect them to strive to meet those objectives; to recognize  their efforts, assess them, and provide the feedback necessary to let them know how well they are  meeting their goal; and to give them adjustments to help them improve when they’re not. The long termed goal, for both of us, is for them to learn to become the best submissive – for me – that they can  possibly be. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Routine Task Lists In Power Exchange Dynamics

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

This week, I’d like to focus in on a technique that I introduced in my first book, “Uniquely Rika” – The  Routine Task List exercise. This exercise has brought a great deal of success for many couples through the years. It originated as a way to help couples establish the activities they would utilize within a  Dominant-centric dynamic. The exercise was originally established to accomplish three things: 

1) Establish a “To-Do” list of tasks that truly serve the dominant and can be executed without the  need for the dominant to ensure, order, and follow up on assignments 

2) Ensure that what is being done for a dominant is actually FOR a dominant 

3) Share the responsibility of creativity between the partners so that the dominant is not solely  burdened with the need to come up with and create things for the submissive to do 

As it turns out, the Routine Task List exercise has a couple of far more valuable side-benefits: It teaches  the submissive to identify the dominant’s preferences; gives the submissive an understanding of why  something is, or isn’t, considered to be submission to their particular partner; and helps the submissive  think about their activities in terms of what the dominant wants. In short, it establishes a structured  communication method, within which the submissive learns how to serve their unique dominant. Because of these, it’s a great exercise for beginners and seasoned players alike. In my second book,  “Uniquely Us”, you see how several couples have implemented the technique within their dynamics with great results! 

The Routine Task List Exercise 

The exercise is best described in the books, but here goes the abridged version: 

1) The sub is to prepare a list of 10 items that the sub believes the dominant will feel are service to them. 

• The list should be prepared on a regular schedule. Many couples start at once a week. It’s  best to establish a set time to prepare a written list. 

• The list should contain things that the submissive feels is going to be received by the  dominant as submission to them. It’s not a list of things that the sub wants to do, it’s a list  of things that the sub thinks the dominant would want. This caveat is what makes the  exercise so useful for establishing the definition of submission for that dominant – because  the submissive is forced to think like the dominant. 

• The submissive should create this list on their own, based on their understanding of the  dominant’s preferences. 

2) The dominant reviews the list and triages it into three categories and explains why each item fell  into each category: 

• Things that the dominant feels are really submission to them – that they would want to  have done on a regular basis

• Things that the dominant feels are really more for the submissive – and although the  dominant likes to see the submissive happy and will get pleasure from making the sub  happy, are not actually submission for them 

• Things that the dominant does not like and does not want to do 

The important part of all of this, is that dominant needs to take the time to explain  WHY each item from the list ends up in the bucket it does. It’s equally important to  explain to the sub what it is about a specific task that is submission to the dominant  and made it to the list – as it is to explain why something did not make the task list. 

3) The dominant assigns the triaged items that meet the criteria: 

• The things that make the first category, are given a frequency and are added to the  submissive’s “Task List”. The frequency can be something like, “Every day”, “Once a week”,  “Whenever I shower”, “At meals”, “When I enter the room”, etc. These items are put on the  submissives list and the submissive is to execute the tasks on the scheduled times without  the need for provocation, reminder, etc. It’s the sub’s responsibility to meet the schedule. 

• Things in the second category are taken under advisement by the dominant as things that  can be given as treats/gifts during playtime. They do not make the task list. The dominant  should be quite particular about what makes it to the task list…if it’s not really service to the  dominant…that is, if it’s not FOR the dominant, then it doesn’t make the list. 

• Things that are in the third category are removed and will not be done. 

If the submissive gets 5 or more items accepted to the list, they’ve done a good job. The goal, of course,  is to get a perfect 10 for 10. If the sub gets less than 5 items on the list, then they should go back and try  again that same week…armed with the understanding they’ve accumulated via the feedback. Otherwise,  the sub executes the (now grown) task list and begins to think of things for the next week’s list. 

After a few weeks of this, the sub gets pretty good at understanding what is and what isn’t considered  to be submission to this dominant…and should begin to get better at predicting and getting more and  more items added to the list. The end result is an increasing list of pre-scheduled tasks that the sub is  performing on a regular basis, that truly provide submission to the unique dominant. 

The list is designed to contain routine tasks – to be executed according to the schedule, by the  submissive, without the need for the dominant to monitor or command execution. This simplifies the  dominant’s life – while providing services that meet their needs. 

John’s Attestation 

As I mentioned, many couples with whom I’ve worked, have used this technique with a great deal of  success. Earlier in 2020, the submissive of one of those couples posted his account in my FetLife Rika’s  Lair discussion group. I’ve reproduced it here with his permission: 

Hi folks! I wanted to chime in here to talk about the Task List Exercise. For those of you  who don’t know me, I’m John – of Liz and John in Rika’s second book. We started the Task  List Exercise when Liz introduced me to Rika’s methodology. I was a bit skeptical at first  (with the whole methodology, as well as the exercise), but Liz was into it…and to see her excited by anything having to do with being my dominant was, as the song goes, simply  irresistible! 

I remember how I thought my first list was perfection…and it turned out to be AWFUL. In  it, I spelled out what I felt submission was, being sure to list the kinky activities that Liz  and I had done in our previous playtime that she liked. Turns out, she enjoyed my reaction  to those kinds of things, but serving her – in her mind – was a much different experience. It  was, looking back, all about me: What I would allow her to do to me. Only one item from  my first list made it to the routine list. 

She sat me down and explained why these things, although enjoyable, were not going to  be considered to be submission to her. That we will likely do some of those things, because  they’re fun, but they were not making their way to the list – which was to define service TO HER. 

I remember feeling that she had been fed a dose of poison and that we were losing every  chance of having a deep D/s dynamic. I was pretty pissed at Rika, frankly. But Liz was not  moving. She would not budge from what she wanted. She sets expectations in a way that  wasn’t asking me, it was telling me. She basically said I was doing this, or I wasn’t doing  anything – that to serve her meant she got to set what service means. In other words, she  was being dominant! On the surface, I didn’t like where she was taking this – but at my  core, I loved that she was demanding that I comply. I did. 

Fast forward about 6 months: I was 10 for 10 on my task list almost every week and had  a routine list of over 200 items. They were small items, but there were a lot of them! It  was more than I could handle, frankly. We both recognized that we were fast approaching  my limit. Rika advised us to prune the list. To remove things that Liz could live without. She  also recommended that we review the list monthly, rather than weekly. We got the list to  [a] manageable 160 items, some of them daily, some weekly, some in certain  circumstances. 

Around two months into this process, I started to realize that I FELT MORE submissive than  I had ever felt in our playtime. I was truly serving Liz and Liz was feeling truly dominant.  She was also giving me lots of treats. I didn’t feel like I was going without what I enjoyed  – I just knew that when Liz gave me something that she knew I liked, it was not submission,  but rather a gift – and I was so very thankful for it. 

We’re many years into our dynamic now – we don’t visit the task list on a regular basis  anymore. It changes when Liz wants it to change. It is, however, always in play. I am her  servant, heart and soul, and love every moment of it. I find that my tastes and desires have  changed and are almost in complete lock step with Liz’s. It’s not that I can read her mind,  but I’m thinking like her now. I’ve embodied her tastes and preferences and find myself  acting in accordance with them, without having to try. 

Rika’s system works. This task list is just the beginning, but it’s an important first  component. Try it out…I strongly recommend it. And to the dominants: Be REALLY strict about what makes it onto your list. Make sure it REALLY serves YOU if you allow it. The  other things you can still do, but not as part of this list. This list is about YOU. 

Wrapping it Up 

Communication is, by far, the most important element of success for couples establishing, or continuing  their D/s dynamics. The Routine Task List exercise provides an excellent vehicle to enable greater  communication. It’s particularly effective because it engages the submissive’s mind – challenging the  submissive to internalize the dominant’s definition of submission. When submissives begin to consistently create lists that triage a perfect 10 for 10, the couple can be certain that the submissive has  truly embraced the dominant’s definition of submission. Over time, that definition can change – and the Routine Task List assures that the submissive stays with the course. 

Try the technique. For more info, read the books. I think you’ll find that they will help your dynamic  regardless of how “seasoned” or “newbie” yours is! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Video: Aftercare

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It’s not all about the flogging and canes and humiliation. So much of what BDSM is about is Aftercare/after the scene is done.

Much like working out, BDSM requires an adequate warm up (negotiation and consent) and cool down (aftercare).

These are to protect both the D-type’s and s-type’s mental, emotional, and physical states.

With this being said, don’t miss Grey Knight’s informative video on Aftercare and how it can be implemented after play!

The Grey Knight - Aftercare (BDSM affection and cool down)

Consensual, BSDM Psychological Torture

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It’s said that torture is an unreliable way to get information, that people will tell you anything to get it to stop. Back in 2004 we discovered that torture was being used on prisoners at the Guantanamo Bay Interment Camp. It was a huge scandal; The American people were very upset that we would do something so blatantly against the Geneva Convention’s rules on the treatment of prisoners. That’s the sort of thing our enemies do, not us.

So yeah, using torture to extract information from someone is bad. Let’s just get that out of the way right here at the beginning.

But there are some times where torture is good, particularly when you use it to tease, torment, and tantalize a willing submissive. Because it’s not just about causing them physical pain, but emotional pain as well. But, y’know, in a good way.

It’s certainly not for everyone. Many people wouldn’t want to inflict this sort of torment on someone, whether they consent or not, Others wouldn’t want it done to them, for a variety of reasons.

But when done right, with the right people, they can make for a truly intense, emotionally fulfilling scene. It’s like a roller coaster, that thrill of danger without it being actually dangerous, only safer (seriously, do a search on roller coaster accidents and deaths; you’ll probably never get on one again).

So what constitutes this sort of scene?

Generally, it’s any scene that has as much of a psychological component as a physical one. Many Doms do this to some degree during a scene; think of a blindfolded girl who doesn’t know what toy’s going to be used on her next, a Dom tormeting her with one she’s especially afraid of, or threatening to hit where he knows she hates getting hit (but isn’t a hard limit).

Then there’s what’s generally known as predicament bondage; a tied-up girl made to send a certain text message, a gagged one having to make herself understood by Alexa, or being made to stand on your toes while nipple clamps are attached above her (forcing her to choose between the pain in her feet and calves or that in her nipples).

But a full-blown torture/torment/psychological scene involves more than that. It involves getting inside a girl’s head and using her fears, anxiety, dread and, sometimes, triggers against them, but all within the bounds of consent and negotiation.

Obviously this qualifies as advanced play, and should never be done with someone you don’t know well. When done wrong you can inflict some serious damage on someone’s psyche, and those wounds don’t have a tendency to fade away like a bad bruise.

Y’know, rather than just continue with broad vagaries, I’m simply going to describe a good psych scene I had recently with a girl I’ve known for a long, long time and add notes along the way. Sound good? Okay, here goes…

The four of us (my household) myself, my girl, my dear friend, and his girl (who’s also a dear friend) decided to escape our COVID 19 quarantime by renting a house on the ocean for a week, to eat bad food, drink lots of wine, enjoy the ambiance and (oh yeah) engage in more than a bit of debauchery.

Midway through the week my friend’s girl (MFG) had the scene in question.

We’ve played together several times, so I know what she likes and, more importantly, what she likes that her top isn’t inclined towards (which is generally the reason why you have a scene with another). She loves impact play, loves bruises, but also enjoys being controlled and (more specifically) enjoys being tied up very tightly.

I also know that she has a number of physical limitations that need to be taken into account; she can’t stand for long periods of time, nor can her joints take any of the more extreme bondage positions, particularly her arms.

So my checklist is; secure, tight bondage; domination and control, impact play that will leave bruises; no standing.

I began by telling her to strip. “Completely?” she asked.

“What else does strip mean?” I responded, knowing she hated being entirely nude (although it was not hard limit). She has a beautiful body, so this was pure pleasure from my perspective, particularly as I knew it made her feel particularly vulnerable.

Realizing there are a number of stout kitchen chairs available, I decided to utilize one. Over the next 20 minutes or so I proceeded to secure her to it, hands at her sides. I used leather mittens to secure her hands under the chair, straps to secure her to the side rungs, straps above-and-below her breasts, another at her waist. I use another to secure her hips to the seat, two more to secure her ankles to the legs and, finally, two at her upper thighs attached to the back of the chair, keeping her legs spread very wide and leaving her very exposed.

Ahead of this I’d placed a very efficient padded blindfold, and finished by buckling a ballgag (not a terribly severe one as she can’t wear that; still, it muffled her speaking delightfully).

Oh wait, I forgot; we’d worked out safe words and gestures that she could effectively communicate while secured like this. Since this sort of bondage is my thing, I’ve got that part down pat.

I next proceeded to sit down on the very comfortable couch, put my feet up, pull out my phone and tell her, “Okay, you’ve got five minutes to get loose. If you don’t, that means you want my worst, right?”

As she muttered something incomprehensible I split my attention between the New York Times and her, watching as she … well… essentially sat still. Oh, her head moved around a lot, and her right foot wriggled around (I’d not secured it as well as I should have) but, ultimately, she could barely move. At all.

This, she told me later, made her feel extremely helpless, as it was very clear that I could do anything I wanted and she had no way to stop me… not even to move out of the way. She was both utterly terrified and thrilled at the same time.

For my main implement of destruction I’d chosen a thin wooden paddle, about 4 cm wide and 38 cm long. I’ve found it’s extremely painful and I’m able to use it with pinpoint accuracy. It also leaves wonderful bruises.

I began by running the paddle over her body, threatening different body parts. “If you don’t want to get hit there, simply move it out of the way,” I taunted.

After a few minutes of this I began to follow through, actually smacking her in the places I was threatening (starting lighter of course, before working my way up in intensity). Several minutes later I stopped. 

I sat down and played on my phone again. I knew she didn’t have a clue when I might be back or even if I was still in the room. She struggled around some more, this time with more than a bit more desperation.

I repeated this several more times, each time more with more intense and harder smacks. I began to increasingly taunt her, threatening to hit a given area, telling her to prepare, then doing nothing. Or I’d threaten one area then engage in a fusillade of smacks to everywhere but that area… before pausing and finishing at the initial place I’d threatened.

After 20 minutes of this her right leg was shaking uncontrollably. She had, of course, been acting increasingly terrified as the scene progressed. Meanwhile, I’d checked in regularly and she always gave me a clear, encouraging nod, as well as a gagged “uh-huh”. 

Which is, of course, the heart of the matter. She was allowing herself to be terrified precisely because she knew she was absolutely safe. It was the theme park thrill ride, only with bondage and beatings. Her catharsis was palpable.

After a little over a half hour I’d decided she’d had enough; she’s notorious for never tapping out, and I can read her pretty well. I went with my general rule of thumb that it’s better to leave someone wanting more than going too far. 

While I removed her blindfold and gag first, I untied her from the chair slowly, letting her relax as well as relish the return of her mobility to each limb. Afterwards, I helped her over to the couch, wrapped her in a blanket, and held her as she recovered. She was in a state of bliss, completely wrung out like a wet noodle, but in a good way.

The next day she proudly showed off the many, many bruises I’d left her with, some of which were rather pronounced. Many pictures were taken.

All in all it was a very successful scene, bringing together those necessary elements of negotiation, understanding, preparedness, and improvisation. In particular, those elements of torment or “mind fuckery” were carefully plotted out, designed to bring her to a place of maximum psychological torment.

Of course, what worked with her may not work with someone else. I’ve done many such scenes with a variety of gals, some more successful than others. The better you know the person you’re topping, and the more creative you are, the better the scene.

This sort of psychological torture scene isn’t for everyone. But for those who enjoy and appreciate them, they can be quite the satisfyingly heady brew.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

Video: BDSM Fear Play

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BDSM Fear Play, Its All In The Mind

A lot of what drives BDSM is mental and emotional.

This week Depraved Eros gives us some insight into the exciting world of CONSENSUAL Fear Play along with some DIY tips.

This video is great for novices and veterans alike. With most dungeons closed at this time, the mental component of kink is becoming more important than ever.

Don’t miss this enticing video!

Video: All about sub-space

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BDSM Clips: Subspace

“Their eyelids get droopy, and they turn to jello”.

Is subspace all about bondage? What role does pain, pleasure and domination have in getting to the much talked about – and sometimes elusive – state of mind.

In this video from BoundToTalk, Mistress Italia dives deep into Subspace. What is it, why do people love to be in it (or bring their partners there), and how can one get there?

Raise Your Hand If You are a Sensualist

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Not everyone is into pain (for pleasure). Not everyone who enjoys kink is into pain. A sensualist is not into pain. There are tens of thousands of sensualist dominants, sensualist submissives, sensualist slaves, and sensualist kinky players out in the wild who know what sensualism is about. Many of those thousands are entangled with the SM part of BDSM waters because it’s all that they know about. Many more will never begin their kink journey because they think that all BDSM activity includes pain. Pain lovers and non-pain lovers are all seeking intense pleasure or fascinating altered states or both but we get there by different paths.

Sensualism and being a sensualist are one end of the BDSM spectrum. Only part of the range is concerned with pain as the avenue to intense pleasure and wonderful altered states of consciousness. Another part of the range is in pursuit of the same goals but without pain in any form.

Sensualism is a commitment to adult play without pain and with an intention of inducing intense pleasure and/or desirable altered states of consciousness. Sensualist refers to the play participant, Top or Bottom, who loves all manner of ways to reach intense pleasure and/or desirable altered states without inducing pain.

Sensual fun is not what makes someone a sensualist. Sensuality is not sensualism. Two different things. Anyone along the BDSM spectrum might burn a scented candle or set the scene with low lighting and soft sheets. Pain lovers can use sensual techniques but that does not make them sensualists. They are sadists and masochists and, sometimes, some of them like to use sensual techniques in their scenes.

Biology or biochemistry, actually, determines whether someone is a no-pain-for-pleasure person. It is helpful to think of kinky people dividing into two categories: the pain seeking group gets a flow of endorphins in the brain that floats them into a higher space. Their brain chemistry is like that. Sensualists have very different wiring. If we feel pain during a scene we are not feeling affection for the Top who delivered the too strong sensation to our bodies. We just feel pain and hurt and maybe distrust for the Top. To a sensualist, pain is just pain. It will never deliver pleasure or anything wonderful to a sensualist’s body/mind.

On the other hand, sensualists are not pain-averse as a characteristic of being a sensualist. They can give pain in a context of consensual play as a matter of choice. A sensualist might top a masochist bottom in order to share a mutually desired experience or result with a play friend. A sensualist bottom might endure pain as a demonstration of his loyalty to his mistress.

Being a sensualist is as lively and fulfilling as any other kink lifestyle. Think of a kink activity. If it can’t be done without pain (cutting, for example) then it is not on a sensualist’s list. If it can be done and it has nothing to do with causing or receiving pain then it is sensualist good. If it is associated with pain but can be controlled away from pain then it can be included on the sensualist list. So, for example, impact play (flogging, caning, whipping, spanking, paddling) is associated with SM and pain but there is no reason why a sensualist Top cannot use impact play in a scene. Their sensualist Bottom would receive light to strong sensations in the body without ever entering the pain range. A sensualist Top would, in this example, explore a range of sensations short of giving pain. Sensualist fun for all.

Sensualists can play nice or they can play right at the edge of pain. Did you know that? A slow, even hair pulling within limits can be sexually stimulating for sensualist Top or a sensualist Bottom. Sensualists can play right at the edge of orgasm and enjoy riding the drug-like high. Look over there. That just might be a contented, sleepy-eyed sensualist curled up inside his mistress’s cage.

Not every kinky person is in to pain. This is good information for every Top who wants to best understand their prospective play partner. Sensualists need to know that they are not alone but rather are a large portion of a strongly diverse BDSM spectrum. We can all appreciate the existence of different paths to reach intense pleasure and/or altered states of consciousness whether you are a pain person or a no-pain person.

Mistress Sky is a tantra practitioner, bondage queen, and hypnotist. Professionally, Sky is a life positive counselor for alternative lifestyles at Gates Counseling. She gives presentations and workshops and writes about Unequal Partnership, the dominance/submission model that she developed over the last ten years.

Spanking and Sub-space

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Photo by www.viceerotica.com
Photo by www.viceerotica.com

Let’s take a break from serious topics like “Predator Pro-Dommes” and get back to the wonderful aspects of BDSM. “Sub-space” usually tops the list.

For those of you who are new to the lifestyle, sub-space is usually defined as “an exhilarated state that most believe is caused by a rush of endorphins emitted during a BDSM scene.” Often it appears that the submissive is put into a trance. When in this state, the submissive transcends all that is around him/her and cannot even feel the sting of the lash. Many describe it as “flying” and being in “space”; both are common terms for this phenomenon.

To give you an idea of what sub-space is like, here is an actual description of sub-space taken from a slave’s diary.

“I cannot describe the sensation except to say I felt like Lois Lane when she was being carried into space by Superman! I could still hear the noise of Master still hitting me very hard with the flogger, but it didn’t hurt at all — I couldn’t feel anything. If the room were to have caught on fire, my reaction would have been to say “let’s wait for it to rain!” I wasn’t going anywhere and I didn’t want to go anywhere. My mind was spinning but it was level. My body was drifting in one continuous orgasm. I was at one with everything. I was on a super drug but I took no drugs. I was having super sex but I had no sex. I was in a supersonic plane but I was chained to the ground.”

Subspace appears to be an almost addictive pleasure that many submissives revel in. We have heard submissives say they “live for subspace.” Others have said “sub-space is better than sex.” (Is that why there are so many Doms with loyal followings?) This might be excessive hyperbole, but there is no doubt that it is a very pleasurable state to be in.

So, how do we put a submissive into sub-space? How do we achieve the Holy Grail of BDSM? The most common way is by the use of some kind of pain stimulus. This often causes the body to produce an overabundance of endorphins as a reaction to the pain and is, according to most, the cause of this phenomenon.

Which brings us to the subject at hand, spanking? Yes, there are those who spank who give not a thought as to whether it causes sub-space or not. They enjoy spanking for spankings sake. Many just spank a partner’s butt during sex as a show of Dominance, not as a technique for conjuring up sub-space. Or, they use it as a discipline tool in their D/s life. “You’ve been a naughty girl; it is time for your spanking.”

However, many use spanking as the preferred technique to put a submissive into sub-space. For the purposes of this article, we will use a broad definition of spanking that includes the use of any toy, from the flogger to a wooden spoon and just about anything in between, in addition to the hand. Let’s now list our “Top Ten” (why is it always “Top Ten”?) tips that will help you spank the submissive into sub-space in the safest and easiest manner. These suggestions are not for everybody; all Dominants and submissives are different. But, you can pick and choose among them; use those that work for you.

• Tranquility. The easiest way to put a submissive is to spank in a tranquil setting. Some cool scene music (Enigma?) and few distractions are always a good beginning.

• Breathing. Encourage deep, rhythmic breathing in the submissive. This brings oxygen to the brain and also relaxes the body. If the sub is tense, your spanking session might be fun, but sub-space is unlikely to be achieved.

• Pre-talk. Since the receptivity of the submissive is proportional to trust, make sure you reassure your submissive before your scene. Listen to any concerns he/she might have. (Some subs are afraid of sub-space in much the same way as some people are afraid of hypnosis.) Inspiring confidence goes a long way in BDSM.

• Go slowly. It is better to spank lightly for a long period of time than it is to go heavy and hard for a shorter period of time. Of course, every submissive is different. Some go into deep sub-space only when spanked hard. But, if you are starting out, better to go slowly and take your time then go all out immediately. And, at the very least, warm up lightly.

• Discuss limits. Find out the submissive’s hard limits. If you are the submissive, even if not asked, state them loud and clear. Sometimes marking is a hard limit due to personal considerations. Other times, certain parts of the body are off limits – the back, the breasts, etc. (Rarely is the butt off limits!)

• Safe words. Don’t forget to agree on a safe word. (A word, usually “red,” that stops all play.) This might seem obvious; but it still bears repeating.

• Check on your submissive. Do not simply rely on the safe word to see when enough is enough. When in subspace, the submissive rarely feels any pain. Nor is he/she in a position to say the safe word. Check up on her condition regularly. Use you own judgment, not the submissive’s.

• Different toys for different joys. (Trying to be slick are we? LOL.) Each submissive responds differently to different spanking toys. Some can only be put into sub-space by a hand spanking. Others only by the flogger. Still others only by the cane. Some need an alternating combination of all toys. There is no hard and fast rule. Thus, trial and error is the best way to find out exactly what spanking technique puts your submissive into space.

• Dungeon furniture. Sometimes it takes the ole’ adrenaline rush of the dungeon to overcome resistance to sub-space. Or, it might be a piece of dungeon furniture that does the trick. The spanking bench has been a mainstay of dungeons for years with good reason. It works. A trip to your local dungeon might succeed where home play has failed. Of course, there are always other lifestylers there who can give you some tips so a trip to the local dungeon can be more than worth your while.

• Aftercare. Sub-space is a very energy draining experience for the submissive — both emotionally and physically. So when the session is over, it is up to the Dominant to ease his sub “back to Earth” with skill and sensitivity. This is commonly called “Aftercare.”

Spanking is probably the most popular BDSM activity of all. And sub-space can be the most exciting state a submissive can enter. We hope these ten tips can help you combine these two into an incredible experience!

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.