Kink Weekly

BDSM articles ideas bondage erotica resource

You are here: Home / Archives for subspace

subspace

Routine Task Lists In Power Exchange Dynamics

By 3 Comments

blonde sexy Domme with male submissive in straitjacket
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

This week, I’d like to focus in on a technique that I introduced in my first book, “Uniquely Rika” – The  Routine Task List exercise. This exercise has brought a great deal of success for many couples through the years. It originated as a way to help couples establish the activities they would utilize within a  Dominant-centric dynamic. The exercise was originally established to accomplish three things: 

1) Establish a “To-Do” list of tasks that truly serve the dominant and can be executed without the  need for the dominant to ensure, order, and follow up on assignments 

2) Ensure that what is being done for a dominant is actually FOR a dominant 

3) Share the responsibility of creativity between the partners so that the dominant is not solely  burdened with the need to come up with and create things for the submissive to do 

As it turns out, the Routine Task List exercise has a couple of far more valuable side-benefits: It teaches  the submissive to identify the dominant’s preferences; gives the submissive an understanding of why  something is, or isn’t, considered to be submission to their particular partner; and helps the submissive  think about their activities in terms of what the dominant wants. In short, it establishes a structured  communication method, within which the submissive learns how to serve their unique dominant. Because of these, it’s a great exercise for beginners and seasoned players alike. In my second book,  “Uniquely Us”, you see how several couples have implemented the technique within their dynamics with great results! 

The Routine Task List Exercise 

The exercise is best described in the books, but here goes the abridged version: 

1) The sub is to prepare a list of 10 items that the sub believes the dominant will feel are service to them. 

• The list should be prepared on a regular schedule. Many couples start at once a week. It’s  best to establish a set time to prepare a written list. 

• The list should contain things that the submissive feels is going to be received by the  dominant as submission to them. It’s not a list of things that the sub wants to do, it’s a list  of things that the sub thinks the dominant would want. This caveat is what makes the  exercise so useful for establishing the definition of submission for that dominant – because  the submissive is forced to think like the dominant. 

• The submissive should create this list on their own, based on their understanding of the  dominant’s preferences. 

2) The dominant reviews the list and triages it into three categories and explains why each item fell  into each category: 

• Things that the dominant feels are really submission to them – that they would want to  have done on a regular basis

• Things that the dominant feels are really more for the submissive – and although the  dominant likes to see the submissive happy and will get pleasure from making the sub  happy, are not actually submission for them 

• Things that the dominant does not like and does not want to do 

The important part of all of this, is that dominant needs to take the time to explain  WHY each item from the list ends up in the bucket it does. It’s equally important to  explain to the sub what it is about a specific task that is submission to the dominant  and made it to the list – as it is to explain why something did not make the task list. 

3) The dominant assigns the triaged items that meet the criteria: 

• The things that make the first category, are given a frequency and are added to the  submissive’s “Task List”. The frequency can be something like, “Every day”, “Once a week”,  “Whenever I shower”, “At meals”, “When I enter the room”, etc. These items are put on the  submissives list and the submissive is to execute the tasks on the scheduled times without  the need for provocation, reminder, etc. It’s the sub’s responsibility to meet the schedule. 

• Things in the second category are taken under advisement by the dominant as things that  can be given as treats/gifts during playtime. They do not make the task list. The dominant  should be quite particular about what makes it to the task list…if it’s not really service to the  dominant…that is, if it’s not FOR the dominant, then it doesn’t make the list. 

• Things that are in the third category are removed and will not be done. 

If the submissive gets 5 or more items accepted to the list, they’ve done a good job. The goal, of course,  is to get a perfect 10 for 10. If the sub gets less than 5 items on the list, then they should go back and try  again that same week…armed with the understanding they’ve accumulated via the feedback. Otherwise,  the sub executes the (now grown) task list and begins to think of things for the next week’s list. 

After a few weeks of this, the sub gets pretty good at understanding what is and what isn’t considered  to be submission to this dominant…and should begin to get better at predicting and getting more and  more items added to the list. The end result is an increasing list of pre-scheduled tasks that the sub is  performing on a regular basis, that truly provide submission to the unique dominant. 

The list is designed to contain routine tasks – to be executed according to the schedule, by the  submissive, without the need for the dominant to monitor or command execution. This simplifies the  dominant’s life – while providing services that meet their needs. 

John’s Attestation 

As I mentioned, many couples with whom I’ve worked, have used this technique with a great deal of  success. Earlier in 2020, the submissive of one of those couples posted his account in my FetLife Rika’s  Lair discussion group. I’ve reproduced it here with his permission: 

Hi folks! I wanted to chime in here to talk about the Task List Exercise. For those of you  who don’t know me, I’m John – of Liz and John in Rika’s second book. We started the Task  List Exercise when Liz introduced me to Rika’s methodology. I was a bit skeptical at first  (with the whole methodology, as well as the exercise), but Liz was into it…and to see her excited by anything having to do with being my dominant was, as the song goes, simply  irresistible! 

I remember how I thought my first list was perfection…and it turned out to be AWFUL. In  it, I spelled out what I felt submission was, being sure to list the kinky activities that Liz  and I had done in our previous playtime that she liked. Turns out, she enjoyed my reaction  to those kinds of things, but serving her – in her mind – was a much different experience. It  was, looking back, all about me: What I would allow her to do to me. Only one item from  my first list made it to the routine list. 

She sat me down and explained why these things, although enjoyable, were not going to  be considered to be submission to her. That we will likely do some of those things, because  they’re fun, but they were not making their way to the list – which was to define service TO HER. 

I remember feeling that she had been fed a dose of poison and that we were losing every  chance of having a deep D/s dynamic. I was pretty pissed at Rika, frankly. But Liz was not  moving. She would not budge from what she wanted. She sets expectations in a way that  wasn’t asking me, it was telling me. She basically said I was doing this, or I wasn’t doing  anything – that to serve her meant she got to set what service means. In other words, she  was being dominant! On the surface, I didn’t like where she was taking this – but at my  core, I loved that she was demanding that I comply. I did. 

Fast forward about 6 months: I was 10 for 10 on my task list almost every week and had  a routine list of over 200 items. They were small items, but there were a lot of them! It  was more than I could handle, frankly. We both recognized that we were fast approaching  my limit. Rika advised us to prune the list. To remove things that Liz could live without. She  also recommended that we review the list monthly, rather than weekly. We got the list to  [a] manageable 160 items, some of them daily, some weekly, some in certain  circumstances. 

Around two months into this process, I started to realize that I FELT MORE submissive than  I had ever felt in our playtime. I was truly serving Liz and Liz was feeling truly dominant.  She was also giving me lots of treats. I didn’t feel like I was going without what I enjoyed  – I just knew that when Liz gave me something that she knew I liked, it was not submission,  but rather a gift – and I was so very thankful for it. 

We’re many years into our dynamic now – we don’t visit the task list on a regular basis  anymore. It changes when Liz wants it to change. It is, however, always in play. I am her  servant, heart and soul, and love every moment of it. I find that my tastes and desires have  changed and are almost in complete lock step with Liz’s. It’s not that I can read her mind,  but I’m thinking like her now. I’ve embodied her tastes and preferences and find myself  acting in accordance with them, without having to try. 

Rika’s system works. This task list is just the beginning, but it’s an important first  component. Try it out…I strongly recommend it. And to the dominants: Be REALLY strict about what makes it onto your list. Make sure it REALLY serves YOU if you allow it. The  other things you can still do, but not as part of this list. This list is about YOU. 

Wrapping it Up 

Communication is, by far, the most important element of success for couples establishing, or continuing  their D/s dynamics. The Routine Task List exercise provides an excellent vehicle to enable greater  communication. It’s particularly effective because it engages the submissive’s mind – challenging the  submissive to internalize the dominant’s definition of submission. When submissives begin to consistently create lists that triage a perfect 10 for 10, the couple can be certain that the submissive has  truly embraced the dominant’s definition of submission. Over time, that definition can change – and the Routine Task List assures that the submissive stays with the course. 

Try the technique. For more info, read the books. I think you’ll find that they will help your dynamic  regardless of how “seasoned” or “newbie” yours is! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Video: Aftercare

By 2 Comments

It’s not all about the flogging and canes and humiliation. So much of what BDSM is about is Aftercare/after the scene is done.

Much like working out, BDSM requires an adequate warm up (negotiation and consent) and cool down (aftercare).

These are to protect both the D-type’s and s-type’s mental, emotional, and physical states.

With this being said, don’t miss Grey Knight’s informative video on Aftercare and how it can be implemented after play!

The Grey Knight - Aftercare (BDSM affection and cool down)

Consensual, BSDM Psychological Torture

By 2 Comments

naked male sub bound
via stock.adobe.com

It’s said that torture is an unreliable way to get information, that people will tell you anything to get it to stop. Back in 2004 we discovered that torture was being used on prisoners at the Guantanamo Bay Interment Camp. It was a huge scandal; The American people were very upset that we would do something so blatantly against the Geneva Convention’s rules on the treatment of prisoners. That’s the sort of thing our enemies do, not us.

So yeah, using torture to extract information from someone is bad. Let’s just get that out of the way right here at the beginning.

But there are some times where torture is good, particularly when you use it to tease, torment, and tantalize a willing submissive. Because it’s not just about causing them physical pain, but emotional pain as well. But, y’know, in a good way.

It’s certainly not for everyone. Many people wouldn’t want to inflict this sort of torment on someone, whether they consent or not, Others wouldn’t want it done to them, for a variety of reasons.

But when done right, with the right people, they can make for a truly intense, emotionally fulfilling scene. It’s like a roller coaster, that thrill of danger without it being actually dangerous, only safer (seriously, do a search on roller coaster accidents and deaths; you’ll probably never get on one again).

So what constitutes this sort of scene?

Generally, it’s any scene that has as much of a psychological component as a physical one. Many Doms do this to some degree during a scene; think of a blindfolded girl who doesn’t know what toy’s going to be used on her next, a Dom tormeting her with one she’s especially afraid of, or threatening to hit where he knows she hates getting hit (but isn’t a hard limit).

Then there’s what’s generally known as predicament bondage; a tied-up girl made to send a certain text message, a gagged one having to make herself understood by Alexa, or being made to stand on your toes while nipple clamps are attached above her (forcing her to choose between the pain in her feet and calves or that in her nipples).

But a full-blown torture/torment/psychological scene involves more than that. It involves getting inside a girl’s head and using her fears, anxiety, dread and, sometimes, triggers against them, but all within the bounds of consent and negotiation.

Obviously this qualifies as advanced play, and should never be done with someone you don’t know well. When done wrong you can inflict some serious damage on someone’s psyche, and those wounds don’t have a tendency to fade away like a bad bruise.

Y’know, rather than just continue with broad vagaries, I’m simply going to describe a good psych scene I had recently with a girl I’ve known for a long, long time and add notes along the way. Sound good? Okay, here goes…

The four of us (my household) myself, my girl, my dear friend, and his girl (who’s also a dear friend) decided to escape our COVID 19 quarantime by renting a house on the ocean for a week, to eat bad food, drink lots of wine, enjoy the ambiance and (oh yeah) engage in more than a bit of debauchery.

Midway through the week my friend’s girl (MFG) had the scene in question.

We’ve played together several times, so I know what she likes and, more importantly, what she likes that her top isn’t inclined towards (which is generally the reason why you have a scene with another). She loves impact play, loves bruises, but also enjoys being controlled and (more specifically) enjoys being tied up very tightly.

I also know that she has a number of physical limitations that need to be taken into account; she can’t stand for long periods of time, nor can her joints take any of the more extreme bondage positions, particularly her arms.

So my checklist is; secure, tight bondage; domination and control, impact play that will leave bruises; no standing.

I began by telling her to strip. “Completely?” she asked.

“What else does strip mean?” I responded, knowing she hated being entirely nude (although it was not hard limit). She has a beautiful body, so this was pure pleasure from my perspective, particularly as I knew it made her feel particularly vulnerable.

Realizing there are a number of stout kitchen chairs available, I decided to utilize one. Over the next 20 minutes or so I proceeded to secure her to it, hands at her sides. I used leather mittens to secure her hands under the chair, straps to secure her to the side rungs, straps above-and-below her breasts, another at her waist. I use another to secure her hips to the seat, two more to secure her ankles to the legs and, finally, two at her upper thighs attached to the back of the chair, keeping her legs spread very wide and leaving her very exposed.

Ahead of this I’d placed a very efficient padded blindfold, and finished by buckling a ballgag (not a terribly severe one as she can’t wear that; still, it muffled her speaking delightfully).

Oh wait, I forgot; we’d worked out safe words and gestures that she could effectively communicate while secured like this. Since this sort of bondage is my thing, I’ve got that part down pat.

I next proceeded to sit down on the very comfortable couch, put my feet up, pull out my phone and tell her, “Okay, you’ve got five minutes to get loose. If you don’t, that means you want my worst, right?”

As she muttered something incomprehensible I split my attention between the New York Times and her, watching as she … well… essentially sat still. Oh, her head moved around a lot, and her right foot wriggled around (I’d not secured it as well as I should have) but, ultimately, she could barely move. At all.

This, she told me later, made her feel extremely helpless, as it was very clear that I could do anything I wanted and she had no way to stop me… not even to move out of the way. She was both utterly terrified and thrilled at the same time.

For my main implement of destruction I’d chosen a thin wooden paddle, about 4 cm wide and 38 cm long. I’ve found it’s extremely painful and I’m able to use it with pinpoint accuracy. It also leaves wonderful bruises.

I began by running the paddle over her body, threatening different body parts. “If you don’t want to get hit there, simply move it out of the way,” I taunted.

After a few minutes of this I began to follow through, actually smacking her in the places I was threatening (starting lighter of course, before working my way up in intensity). Several minutes later I stopped. 

I sat down and played on my phone again. I knew she didn’t have a clue when I might be back or even if I was still in the room. She struggled around some more, this time with more than a bit more desperation.

I repeated this several more times, each time more with more intense and harder smacks. I began to increasingly taunt her, threatening to hit a given area, telling her to prepare, then doing nothing. Or I’d threaten one area then engage in a fusillade of smacks to everywhere but that area… before pausing and finishing at the initial place I’d threatened.

After 20 minutes of this her right leg was shaking uncontrollably. She had, of course, been acting increasingly terrified as the scene progressed. Meanwhile, I’d checked in regularly and she always gave me a clear, encouraging nod, as well as a gagged “uh-huh”. 

Which is, of course, the heart of the matter. She was allowing herself to be terrified precisely because she knew she was absolutely safe. It was the theme park thrill ride, only with bondage and beatings. Her catharsis was palpable.

After a little over a half hour I’d decided she’d had enough; she’s notorious for never tapping out, and I can read her pretty well. I went with my general rule of thumb that it’s better to leave someone wanting more than going too far. 

While I removed her blindfold and gag first, I untied her from the chair slowly, letting her relax as well as relish the return of her mobility to each limb. Afterwards, I helped her over to the couch, wrapped her in a blanket, and held her as she recovered. She was in a state of bliss, completely wrung out like a wet noodle, but in a good way.

The next day she proudly showed off the many, many bruises I’d left her with, some of which were rather pronounced. Many pictures were taken.

All in all it was a very successful scene, bringing together those necessary elements of negotiation, understanding, preparedness, and improvisation. In particular, those elements of torment or “mind fuckery” were carefully plotted out, designed to bring her to a place of maximum psychological torment.

Of course, what worked with her may not work with someone else. I’ve done many such scenes with a variety of gals, some more successful than others. The better you know the person you’re topping, and the more creative you are, the better the scene.

This sort of psychological torture scene isn’t for everyone. But for those who enjoy and appreciate them, they can be quite the satisfyingly heady brew.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

Video: BDSM Fear Play

By 3 Comments

BDSM Fear Play, Its All In The Mind

A lot of what drives BDSM is mental and emotional.

This week Depraved Eros gives us some insight into the exciting world of CONSENSUAL Fear Play along with some DIY tips.

This video is great for novices and veterans alike. With most dungeons closed at this time, the mental component of kink is becoming more important than ever.

Don’t miss this enticing video!

Video: All about sub-space

By 2 Comments

BDSM Clips: Subspace

“Their eyelids get droopy, and they turn to jello”.

Is subspace all about bondage? What role does pain, pleasure and domination have in getting to the much talked about – and sometimes elusive – state of mind.

In this video from BoundToTalk, Mistress Italia dives deep into Subspace. What is it, why do people love to be in it (or bring their partners there), and how can one get there?

Raise Your Hand If You are a Sensualist

By 8 Comments

Not everyone is into pain (for pleasure). Not everyone who enjoys kink is into pain. A sensualist is not into pain. There are tens of thousands of sensualist dominants, sensualist submissives, sensualist slaves, and sensualist kinky players out in the wild who know what sensualism is about. Many of those thousands are entangled with the SM part of BDSM waters because it’s all that they know about. Many more will never begin their kink journey because they think that all BDSM activity includes pain. Pain lovers and non-pain lovers are all seeking intense pleasure or fascinating altered states or both but we get there by different paths.

Sensualism and being a sensualist are one end of the BDSM spectrum. Only part of the range is concerned with pain as the avenue to intense pleasure and wonderful altered states of consciousness. Another part of the range is in pursuit of the same goals but without pain in any form.

Sensualism is a commitment to adult play without pain and with an intention of inducing intense pleasure and/or desirable altered states of consciousness. Sensualist refers to the play participant, Top or Bottom, who loves all manner of ways to reach intense pleasure and/or desirable altered states without inducing pain.

Sensual fun is not what makes someone a sensualist. Sensuality is not sensualism. Two different things. Anyone along the BDSM spectrum might burn a scented candle or set the scene with low lighting and soft sheets. Pain lovers can use sensual techniques but that does not make them sensualists. They are sadists and masochists and, sometimes, some of them like to use sensual techniques in their scenes.

Biology or biochemistry, actually, determines whether someone is a no-pain-for-pleasure person. It is helpful to think of kinky people dividing into two categories: the pain seeking group gets a flow of endorphins in the brain that floats them into a higher space. Their brain chemistry is like that. Sensualists have very different wiring. If we feel pain during a scene we are not feeling affection for the Top who delivered the too strong sensation to our bodies. We just feel pain and hurt and maybe distrust for the Top. To a sensualist, pain is just pain. It will never deliver pleasure or anything wonderful to a sensualist’s body/mind.

On the other hand, sensualists are not pain-averse as a characteristic of being a sensualist. They can give pain in a context of consensual play as a matter of choice. A sensualist might top a masochist bottom in order to share a mutually desired experience or result with a play friend. A sensualist bottom might endure pain as a demonstration of his loyalty to his mistress.

Being a sensualist is as lively and fulfilling as any other kink lifestyle. Think of a kink activity. If it can’t be done without pain (cutting, for example) then it is not on a sensualist’s list. If it can be done and it has nothing to do with causing or receiving pain then it is sensualist good. If it is associated with pain but can be controlled away from pain then it can be included on the sensualist list. So, for example, impact play (flogging, caning, whipping, spanking, paddling) is associated with SM and pain but there is no reason why a sensualist Top cannot use impact play in a scene. Their sensualist Bottom would receive light to strong sensations in the body without ever entering the pain range. A sensualist Top would, in this example, explore a range of sensations short of giving pain. Sensualist fun for all.

Sensualists can play nice or they can play right at the edge of pain. Did you know that? A slow, even hair pulling within limits can be sexually stimulating for sensualist Top or a sensualist Bottom. Sensualists can play right at the edge of orgasm and enjoy riding the drug-like high. Look over there. That just might be a contented, sleepy-eyed sensualist curled up inside his mistress’s cage.

Not every kinky person is in to pain. This is good information for every Top who wants to best understand their prospective play partner. Sensualists need to know that they are not alone but rather are a large portion of a strongly diverse BDSM spectrum. We can all appreciate the existence of different paths to reach intense pleasure and/or altered states of consciousness whether you are a pain person or a no-pain person.

Mistress Sky is a tantra practitioner, bondage queen, and hypnotist. Professionally, Sky is a life positive counselor for alternative lifestyles at Gates Counseling. She gives presentations and workshops and writes about Unequal Partnership, the dominance/submission model that she developed over the last ten years.

Spanking and Sub-space

By 4 Comments

Photo by www.viceerotica.com
Photo by www.viceerotica.com

Let’s take a break from serious topics like “Predator Pro-Dommes” and get back to the wonderful aspects of BDSM. “Sub-space” usually tops the list.

For those of you who are new to the lifestyle, sub-space is usually defined as “an exhilarated state that most believe is caused by a rush of endorphins emitted during a BDSM scene.” Often it appears that the submissive is put into a trance. When in this state, the submissive transcends all that is around him/her and cannot even feel the sting of the lash. Many describe it as “flying” and being in “space”; both are common terms for this phenomenon.

To give you an idea of what sub-space is like, here is an actual description of sub-space taken from a slave’s diary.

“I cannot describe the sensation except to say I felt like Lois Lane when she was being carried into space by Superman! I could still hear the noise of Master still hitting me very hard with the flogger, but it didn’t hurt at all — I couldn’t feel anything. If the room were to have caught on fire, my reaction would have been to say “let’s wait for it to rain!” I wasn’t going anywhere and I didn’t want to go anywhere. My mind was spinning but it was level. My body was drifting in one continuous orgasm. I was at one with everything. I was on a super drug but I took no drugs. I was having super sex but I had no sex. I was in a supersonic plane but I was chained to the ground.”

Subspace appears to be an almost addictive pleasure that many submissives revel in. We have heard submissives say they “live for subspace.” Others have said “sub-space is better than sex.” (Is that why there are so many Doms with loyal followings?) This might be excessive hyperbole, but there is no doubt that it is a very pleasurable state to be in.

So, how do we put a submissive into sub-space? How do we achieve the Holy Grail of BDSM? The most common way is by the use of some kind of pain stimulus. This often causes the body to produce an overabundance of endorphins as a reaction to the pain and is, according to most, the cause of this phenomenon.

Which brings us to the subject at hand, spanking? Yes, there are those who spank who give not a thought as to whether it causes sub-space or not. They enjoy spanking for spankings sake. Many just spank a partner’s butt during sex as a show of Dominance, not as a technique for conjuring up sub-space. Or, they use it as a discipline tool in their D/s life. “You’ve been a naughty girl; it is time for your spanking.”

However, many use spanking as the preferred technique to put a submissive into sub-space. For the purposes of this article, we will use a broad definition of spanking that includes the use of any toy, from the flogger to a wooden spoon and just about anything in between, in addition to the hand. Let’s now list our “Top Ten” (why is it always “Top Ten”?) tips that will help you spank the submissive into sub-space in the safest and easiest manner. These suggestions are not for everybody; all Dominants and submissives are different. But, you can pick and choose among them; use those that work for you.

• Tranquility. The easiest way to put a submissive is to spank in a tranquil setting. Some cool scene music (Enigma?) and few distractions are always a good beginning.

• Breathing. Encourage deep, rhythmic breathing in the submissive. This brings oxygen to the brain and also relaxes the body. If the sub is tense, your spanking session might be fun, but sub-space is unlikely to be achieved.

• Pre-talk. Since the receptivity of the submissive is proportional to trust, make sure you reassure your submissive before your scene. Listen to any concerns he/she might have. (Some subs are afraid of sub-space in much the same way as some people are afraid of hypnosis.) Inspiring confidence goes a long way in BDSM.

• Go slowly. It is better to spank lightly for a long period of time than it is to go heavy and hard for a shorter period of time. Of course, every submissive is different. Some go into deep sub-space only when spanked hard. But, if you are starting out, better to go slowly and take your time then go all out immediately. And, at the very least, warm up lightly.

• Discuss limits. Find out the submissive’s hard limits. If you are the submissive, even if not asked, state them loud and clear. Sometimes marking is a hard limit due to personal considerations. Other times, certain parts of the body are off limits – the back, the breasts, etc. (Rarely is the butt off limits!)

• Safe words. Don’t forget to agree on a safe word. (A word, usually “red,” that stops all play.) This might seem obvious; but it still bears repeating.

• Check on your submissive. Do not simply rely on the safe word to see when enough is enough. When in subspace, the submissive rarely feels any pain. Nor is he/she in a position to say the safe word. Check up on her condition regularly. Use you own judgment, not the submissive’s.

• Different toys for different joys. (Trying to be slick are we? LOL.) Each submissive responds differently to different spanking toys. Some can only be put into sub-space by a hand spanking. Others only by the flogger. Still others only by the cane. Some need an alternating combination of all toys. There is no hard and fast rule. Thus, trial and error is the best way to find out exactly what spanking technique puts your submissive into space.

• Dungeon furniture. Sometimes it takes the ole’ adrenaline rush of the dungeon to overcome resistance to sub-space. Or, it might be a piece of dungeon furniture that does the trick. The spanking bench has been a mainstay of dungeons for years with good reason. It works. A trip to your local dungeon might succeed where home play has failed. Of course, there are always other lifestylers there who can give you some tips so a trip to the local dungeon can be more than worth your while.

• Aftercare. Sub-space is a very energy draining experience for the submissive — both emotionally and physically. So when the session is over, it is up to the Dominant to ease his sub “back to Earth” with skill and sensitivity. This is commonly called “Aftercare.”

Spanking is probably the most popular BDSM activity of all. And sub-space can be the most exciting state a submissive can enter. We hope these ten tips can help you combine these two into an incredible experience!

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Subspace and Subdrop

By 2 Comments

headspace
Photo by Vice Erotica

Subspace is something you hear about all the time in the scene. If you haven’t experienced it, then it may be this elusive wonderment of mind altering amazingness. If you have experienced it, then you know it can take different forms. It may be a simple state of relaxation, almost meditative, to a feeling compared to an out of body experience. One thing is important to keep in mind. You don’t need to experience subspace to enjoy an amazing scene.

So what is subspace anyway? Subspace can happen due to two different things. One is pain, or physically based. It is basically what happens when various chemicals in your body are released during play. When your body experiences extreme sensations it releases endorphins and adrenaline. These increase pain tolerance and can induce a floaty, trance-like state of mind. One thing I like to compare this to is a runner’s high. It’s the most similar “vanilla” activity I can think of for comparison if you haven’t experienced subspace yet. Bottoms will commonly compare it to feeling drunk, tipsy, or floaty.

The other type of subspace is more psychologically based. The bottom may experience this “spacey” feeling upon kneeling at the start of the scene at their Top’s feet, or feeling their Top’s hand grip their hair. These mental and emotional associations are strong and can cause an instant feeling of relaxation and centeredness. This is typically a lovely feeling that connects the bottom more strongly with their play partner/Top and helps them relax into the scene. It can also help a bottom connect more to their submission.

Keep in mind that with either or both types of subspace – the bottom is in an altered state of mind. This is why I make it a rule to never re-negotiate limits during a scene. It would be equivalent to asking someone to have sex while they’re drunk who had previously said no. Also it’s important to understand that because their pain tolerance is heightened, the Top should maintain awareness of how hard they go with play.

Now. What goes up, must come down.

Subdrop

Once the body has pushed these chemicals into your system, they must eventually regulate. When play is done the body stops releasing extra endorphins, etc and the body’s more regulated system kicks in. The immediate indication of this is typically a decrease in body temperature and a more trance-like state of mind. This is why you will see bottoms in aftercare wrapped in a blanket and looking disconnected. Drop is one reason that aftercare is so important. However, drop can happen hours or days after the scene has ended.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

The Erotic Art of Tickling

By 4 Comments

tickling

In our quest to cover all fetishes and play styles in KINK WEEKLY, we were surprised to find out that tickling, according to at least two surveys, is the second most popular fetish (after feet.) Thus, it is surprising that so little is written about it. Well, it is time to change all that.

The most popular form of tickling is not BDSM related at all – it is called “erotic tickling” and is quite codified. Generally done as foreplay, it is not play in and of itself. The key, according to some aficionados, is to find the ticklish spots and be very light in your tickling – and never go into the pain area, as in BDSM. There are books on erotic tickling and, done “by the book,” its proponents claim tickling can stimulate the nerve endings to such a degree as to make the subsequent sex much more intense.

Sometimes erotic tickling strays into the world of BDSM. A popular approach is to tickle a subject whose wrists and ankles are restrained. In this scenario, the “tickler” stops short of inflicting pain, aiming instead for a session of light, teasing yet sensual tickling – with a taste of bondage thrown in.

The next step in the tickling continuum is true BDSM tickling. As in all types of BDSM play, toys can be used. The hand, of course, is the tickler’s tool of choice. But feathers come in a close second, followed by feather dusters, toothbrushes, soft makeup brushes, silk cloths and other inventive tickling implements.

What about safety? There is a tendency to overlook safety concerns when participating in a BDSM tickling scene. After all, can you die laughing? When have you ever heard of a serial tickler or a tickling rapist? (A tickist?) Humor aside, any BDSM activity than can cause a submissive to be unable to breathe and empty his/her bladder should be taken seriously! A tickling scene can be very analogous to any other BDSM scene. Keep in mind, the soles of the feet (where much of tickling is done) are incredibly sensitive; the “bastinado” torture of the feet during the Spanish Inquisition is considered one of the most extreme – out of a panoply of extreme tortures! That said, if you are going to have a serious tickling session, set up a safeword and safe signal. (A word to the Tops: if the sub is in the extreme throws of a serious tickling session, he/she might not be able to utter the safe word – or even give the safe signal. Always keep an eye on her/him.)

Most times a BDSM tickling scene is done with the submissive (or the “ticklee”) in restraints or some form of bondage. Tickling can produce pain — much like spanking, flogging, or caning. The pain/sensation scale can be quite high – a ticklish submissive can be driven almost mad by these sensations. A skillful Tickling Top (clever title, eh?) can play this sensation palette like a violin. There is really no other form of play where you can go from full bore, almost unbearable mega-sensations to zero sensations so quickly – and vice-versa. There is no doubt that submissives can be put into a tickle-induced form of sub-space.

A very popular type of tickle play is time-limit scening. Tickle parties, like those promoted at some dungeons, are set up for this system. Here you tickle the submissive for ten-minute intervals. You can then discuss it with the submissive and go for another ten minutes. Or not. This is a great way for beginners to practice their tickling techniques. Ten minutes may not sound like a lot, but it can be quite intense for both the tickler and the ticklee. And the screams you hear can often rival those of a full-blown BDSM torture session. The more you understand about tickling, the more you will comprehend why it is so popular.

Tickling is another tool in our BDSM play arsenal. We recommend, to our fellow Tops who have not tried it, giving your submissive a serious tickling the next time you have him/her in restraints. You might find you can explore another set of sensations you had not tapped into. If you are a submissive, you might negotiate a tickling scene with your Top – an introduction to see if you like it. (Although, some positively hate tickling. Period.)

The beauty of tickling is that it requires little equipment, has a shallow learning curve and is very sensation intensive. I guess you might call that win-win-win activity!

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Erotica: Lady O

By 3 Comments

submissive man being dominated

After my first session of submission with Stephanie, I was even more hooked on BDSM. Each time I arrived, I would find her skill showed marked improvement over the previous session, each time showing me what a Domme can do and helping feed my desires to move from self-bondage to submission.

Our second session was more rope tying. When I arrived, she let me in and directed me to strip and kneel with my back to the door that entered the room. I did as requested and waited for her to approach. When she entered she stood right behind me over my legs. The heat from her body merging with my own. She did not need to do anything more to indicate her presence. Her warmth was enough and put me at ease as she put a blindfold over my eyes. She stepped away for a moment and then returned.

When she was close to me, she began to bind my arms. Starting with my elbows, she wrapped them with a rope and started to pull them together. She did not stop until my elbows touched. Already, I could tell her experience had found better ways to secure me. She followed up with roping my wrists together, which left me completely vulnerable to her.

Sensing my thoughts, she came around to my front and started to flick my nipples. Within moments my nipples were perking up and I immediately found them held by a constant pinch. The pinch was similar to last time, but not as strong. I could feel her touch my skin at about an inch down from my nipple.

She continued to repeat on my other side below my other nipple. Then she would alternate back to the other side and continue another inch down. Over a period of what felt like an eternity, the pinching became long lines down my chest to along my thighs. I would sometimes twitch, which would wiggle those areas that already pinched me. Any subtle movement imparted pain from each pinching spot and I would find myself focusing hard to get through the feeling. When she stopped, I was relieved for the brief period I was untouched, but that was short lived.

I could hear her walk to the closet and pulled something out. Standing behind me again, I was sure this was not the moment where she was going to take off the blindfold.

“Open your mouth'” she said.

Given the situation, I was not in any way going to argue with what she was doing. Doing so would surely cause something negative to occur. As instructed I opened my mouth. I soon found a bit gag that was being tightly secured deep into my mouth. Crossing my mouth from left to right and pulling so deep in that my back teeth were catching hold of the bit.

Walking away again she picked out another item from the closet. Upon her return she quickly made me aware of what the item was.

*thawp*

The stinging, familiar pain found the back of my thighs. The feeling was sharp, then dulled after a few moments. She must have sensed the right time to strike, as the pain was becoming less and my mind was coming back from the reaction as she struck me again. This became a repeated pattern. Her goal to keep me bound and registering pain at an almost constant level or higher.

The continued impacts of the cane upon my body made me twitch. The twitching would cause the pinching on my front to hurt more from all the spots on my body. I could tell that she had to be enjoying the reactions, as I lost track of time and all other focuses of the world. After what seemed like an eternity she stopped caning me, which allowed me to focus on the pinching pain on my front. To focus on controlling myself and withstanding the torture.

She walked to in front of me and proceeded to remove the blindfold. Tilting my head up to look at her as light returned to my vision. My eyes blinded for a few moments as they adjusted to the return the sense of sight. When I could see clearly it was then that I noticed a pair of strings in her hand that dropped straight down between us.

“Would you like me to remove what is attached to these strings?” she flaunted.

I did not move and inch. I was not sure what she meant to do or why. I dared not break eye contact with her to find out what these strings were attached to and how.

“I’ll take your silence and unmoving body as acceptance,” she said backing away.

It was then I was able to look at where the strings went. The pinching was from clothes pins. Each side was connected together with the string. As soon as she noticed the hint of dread in my eyes, she yanked on the strings with great ferocity.

I gripped the bit gag with my teeth as the pain of the pinches tugged at my skin, the feeling of my flesh being torn from my body came forth as she did so. This was a rather intense pain. I was not sure what could have made that worse, but I hoped I would not find out.

She walked up slowly and teased me. Looking me in the eyes as she rubbed the spots where clothespins had been moments before. I didn’t look where she looked, but I watched as she smiled. Enjoying the feeling of what had to be impressions upon my skin at each spot and the look in my eyes as she touched each sore one. A look of satisfaction and pleasure came forth beyond that devilish smile. As painful as it was, I found enjoyment in pleasing her.

I was sure she meant it as a way to tease me, as she reached around my body in almost a hug. After a few moments, I was unbound and my arms dropped to my sides in soreness. Yet, I was not given much time to rest or analyze my experience.

“I want you to become a table,” she said. ” Get down on all fours and become the best human table ever.”

Puzzled, I thought about her command did as she asked and became a table. Using her cane she swatted those areas of my body that displeased her as a means to perfect my position for adjustments. Spreading my legs a bit more, lowering my back, then when happy she walked out of the room. I wanted to see her walk away, but I resisted. My mind still lost on the pain from early and trying to understand what she had in mind for me now. I expected her to bring back candle wax, but that was not what she brought.

“Now, if you spill this, then we will have issues,” she said. “I do not want a mess on my nice clean carpet.”

When she was finished speaking, I felt something on the small of my back. The object felt cold and smooth with a circular base.

“That is my glass of water.” she said. “Don’t spill that cup, as it is quite full.”

Without being able to see the cup, I had to assume it was filled to the edge of the lip of the glass. I also assumed it was a tall glass as it felt quite heavy upon where it was placed upon me. I tried to not move as best I could. Then it happened.

*smack*

A soft, but stingy blow came across my ass. I twitched just enough to dribble. What I did not find out until later was that she caught the glass from spilling completely. She tested me quite a few times after that. Trying different objects to hit me with. Pulling on my nipples and even tapping my member with her implements of impact. I was trying to do my best and she was pushing to see how far that extended to self control and power of will.

By the time she was done, our session time had ended. As usual, I was let free and I got dressed. As I was walked out, we swapped pleasantries before I turned to get in my car. I would think about the pain I suffered and the restriction of the bondage. A feeling of euphoria following each time.

Successive sessions that followed between Stephanie and I were good, but they were spaced out because of time and our schedules. Eventually all sessions with her died off in occurrence. After a time we lost contact, as college took more focus than everything else. When the urge to seek out my submissive side pulled at me enough to the point of distraction, I headed back to Craigslist to find a dominant woman to expand my experiences.

My search was as before, with many responses of interest and nibbles from fakes. Some from people that were too scared to commit to meeting in person. Other replies were semi-serious and some were just picture collectors. On occasion I would find a person to meet in public, but that seemed to always fall through. Finally, one email reply caught my attention that I could not easily ignore:

Hello,

I see you are interested in becoming a submissive to a dominant woman. What you seek is not something to take lightly. Though I have watched your posting change and evolve over the passing months, I also understand that you have been submissive before to Stephanie. I’ll admit that she was a good start for you, but should you wish to experience far more from a woman that can train you well, then reply to this email. Don’t be shocked on how I know you were with her. Just know that some circles are smaller than others, but also have far more discretion.

Perhaps you will be the one to meet my needs and expectations, but that is something only you can prove.

I’ll be waiting…

For the rest of the day, I was no longer focused on work. All I could think of is what to do and how soon work was going to be finished. A few people wondered if I was feeling ill, but I brushed it off as nothing at all. Though afterwards I thought better of it and should have taken the option to fake sickness. At least then I could have relaxed at home or been given more time to prepare myself.

When work day finally came to its end, I proceeded home. Lost in thought of what to do. I walked in the door and took a shower. Though I took far longer than normal, perhaps hoping the heat and water would cleanse my mind for what to do.

When I came out of the shower I sat down on the couch. Taking my phone out, I looked at the message again. With a
deep breath I typed a reply and pressed send. I was committed to what was to come.

Phil K comes with creative talents ranging from writing to photography. His photos invoke thoughts and desires to make you want to engage with the images, while the stories make you long to be in them and never end. You can view his work here. Helives near Royal Oak in Southeast Michigan.