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Punishment Is Always A Reward

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

In previous articles, and within my books, I have alluded to this concept. I thought that this week, I’d  focus in on it to highlight a very common misconception: That to make a punishment be effective for  changing behavior in a D/s dynamic, it needs to be unpleasant enough for the submissive to encourage  them to avoid the infraction. (Note: I am discussing actual punishment, not “Funishment” – scene time  play in the form of punishments). 

On the surface, this makes sense: If the person being punished hates the punishment, they will never  want to experience it again – and will adjust their behavior to avoid it. If they fear the punishment, they  won’t commit the infraction and the dominant will be happier, because they will not have to deal with  the infraction again. You’ll often hear dominants talking about the severity of the punishment “matching  the infraction”, and you will also hear that punishment needs to be swift and fitting.  

All of this makes sense – until you consider the source of pleasure for a submissive. What thrills a  submissive? What makes a submissive feel all subby inside? What washes a sub’s brain with Oxytocin  and makes them feel so good about being a submissive? 

In my discussions with submissives regarding things that “excite them most”, there is a common joy  found in acknowledging (or having to acknowledge) their position in the relationship relative to their  dominant. They LOVE to recognize that they are at the dominant’s beck and call – and at their whim.  

They want to be helpless and dependent on the dominant. They want to feel the dominant’s authority.  This was the root cause of excitement identified with of many fantasies, including: Bondage /  suspension, Blackmail, Contracts, Humiliation, Chastity, Losing bets, etc. The idea that the submissive  “has no choice but to comply” is ultra-alluring. It triggers sensations of fulfillment in people who are submissive. 

So, let’s consider punishment. Who is allowed to punish someone? It must be someone with the  authority to do so. Parents, teachers, wardens, governments – all with accepted authority to enforce  rules. If you are being punished, you accept that punishment because you acknowledge and cede to the  authority of the body punishing you — or you’d never allow it to happen. 

Now, conflate the ideas: People only allow themselves to be punished by those with the recognized  authority to do so – and submissives are excited by recognizing, or having to recognize, their relative  position in the power dynamic and the authority of the dominant over them. 

Therefore, I offer that this no way to punish a submissive without also rewarding them! 

Furthermore, the more distasteful the punishment to the submissive, the greater the reward. Why?  Because the more the submissive despises the punishment, the more they must recognize that they  have agreed to allow themselves to be punished. The power imbalance created by their power dynamic  is highlighted and elevated. They are “forced” to recognize that the dominant has the AUTHORITY to  punish them – even with things that they hate. This fact EXCITES the submissive on some level – and their brain REWARDS them by filling them with all sorts of yummy subby pleasure chemicals. They feel  more helpless; more “owned”.  

The more difficult / distasteful / severe the punishment is, the more this reward-effect is realized. 

The obvious irony is that the purpose of punishment is to modify behavior (or create a catharsis for guilt  relief…there are many theories of why punishment is used – not to be discussed here), but the  punishment, in and of itself, runs the risk of REWARDING the submissive for their bad behavior.  

If you doubt this, look at the number of submissives who advertise exactly how they are willing to be  punished for failing to serve properly. Or look at the number of submissives who deliberately act up  whenever they feel they aren’t getting the attention they desire – or are checking the resolve of the  dominant to force them to submit. Consider brats and how that behavior is often motivated by a desire  to have the dominant exert their will and overcome their resistance. 

A dominant who is trying to design punishments that will be severe enough to have the desired impact,  is going to be sadly surprised to find that the behavior, although resolved in the short-term, will  reappear again – usually if no punishment has been delivered in a while. They will be constantly  escalating to attempt to stay above the submissive’s tolerance – only to find that backfire into more and  more severe punishments…and a bunch of frustration! 

What I Do In Lieu of Punishment 

I published this in the article, “Why I don’t punish”. I recognized this “paradox” (it’s not really a paradox,  as it really makes so much sense) a long time ago and vowed that punishment is simply not going to  work with submissives. I concluded that the only way to really change behavior is to insist that the  submissive provide the self-discipline to correct their behavior based on my explanation of my  preferences and feedback on how what they’re doing is making me feel.  

I recognize that a sub’s actions can sometimes be due to something that I do, or don’t do. I am not  perfect (gasp, I know!)…so, I encourage my submissives to talk about what they need, before they’re  acting up or acting out. Maybe I’m not demonstrating my position clearly. Maybe I’ve been a little lax or  neglectful. It could happen. Maybe my sub is feeling a little alone in the dynamic and feels the need to  check in, to make sure I still value their submission. That’s on me. How they go about resolving that and  bringing it to my attention, however, is on them. I am approachable and will listen. If they are acting up,  they are not taking advantage of my openness…and they need to talk to me. 

If a submissive cannot correct their behavior – even after my insistence, explanation, and openness to  listen, then THEY are putting the dynamic in jeopardy. I’m not saying that the only punishment is to  dissolve the power dynamic – but I am saying that, if open communications of why something is  displeasing to me, what I want them to do better (and why), and insistence that they correct the issue, doesn’t result in long-termed change, I’m not interested in wasting both of our time continuing the  dynamic. Dissolving the dynamic isn’t a punishment, it’s a consequence brought about by their inability  to change. It takes a lot to get to that point – but that’s where it’s going, if things don’t change. 

Dominants: Consider avoiding punishment and favor open discussion and instance for change – explore  to find root-causes for misbehavior and remain open to the possibility that it’s something you can control. Explain what you want and why you want it – and insist on it. Recognize that any punishment  will be a reward at some level – and will likely work against the change you’re trying to achieve. 

Submissives: Recognize that the responsibility for living up to your commitment to submit is yours. If  you find yourself attempting to motivate your dominant to discipline you, introspect as to why and  discuss it openly with your dominant. 

Hopefully, this will give you cause to think – and maybe even change your opinion on discipline within  your D/s dynamics. Happy power! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

On Being A Man In The Kink Scene

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My sister died recently and one of my children said in response…”she lived well”…which I found an odd  reaction considering that she had spent many years in seclusion fighting depression, had not been able  to maintain employment, and had otherwise swindled people out of money to survive. I found his  remark, well, odd.  

Even so, his note that “she lived will” had me look at my own life from the point of view “lived well” and  to make an assessment of what that expression implies for my experience of being alive.  

As a boy, I was not particularly aware of myself. I fantasized a lot about life because I spent a lot of time  reading books, many more adult than probably made sense for a kid to read. So, I spent a lot of my  youth in fantasy. I masturbated furiously. I grew up without TV, skin magazines like Playboy and  Penthouse, were banned, and so much of my fantasy reflected the adult books I read.  

As a teenager, I became aware of my athletic prowess, and excelled at all sports. I played soccer, rugby,  cricket, tennis, squash, field hockey, and did track and field. I also swam and dived. I had great balance,  and body control and good hand-eye and foot-eye coordination and I had a high IQ for sports. I was just  not a very big fella, so I ended up growing into a competitive gymnast that competed at the very highest  level thorough high school, and I played soccer at a high level too. In class, I was the “funny guy”. I drove  teachers crazy. I became aware that girls found me sexually attractive. When I was 16, I spent time in  Berlin and hung out in sex shops. I brought home a very kinky German kink magazine that had scenes in  it with bondage, discipline, incest, anal, piss play, and more. My masturbation fantasies changed almost immediately.  

I dated girls from about age 13, although it was all very innocent until I was about 17 or 16, when Pam,  this voluptuous sexy vixen, the high school prom queen, took me into a room at a party one night and  said “I have been waiting to get you alone” and then she pushed me onto a bed and to my delight, she  sucked my cock.  

The girls came fast and furious after that. I fucked as if I was the last man on earth. And I was not at all  aware of my manhood. If she was willing, I fucked her.  

When I met, dated and then married my wife between 5 and 8 years later, I was mostly aware of the  expectations of family and society. Get married, hold down a job, have children etc., and I can now say  with certainty, that I was completely unaware of myself as a man. Sex was largely fetish free. She was  the preacher’s kid after all.  

I first became aware of my sexual masculinity about 10 years later, at age 38, This occurred in part  because while raising children, my wife simply refused me her body. Once she stopped nursing, she  persisted in her refusal. There I was, providing for her and my children and she simply turned off our  sexual connection along with the associated loss of intimacy and relatedness. the next few years were  hard. Sex is my love language.  

I had not signed up for this, so I asked for a divorce. We set about starting that process and realized that  it would be quite complicated. We agreed not to pursue it, and to have a slightly open relationship…a  don’t ask don’t tell policy. It was not workable. I was miserable. I called a lawyer. 

My first real moment of clarity occurred when about 6 years into our estrangement, even as I was still  working on terms of a divorce, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and begged me to “stay and to  make it go away”. I remember, I was speaking to my attorney on the phone, and she called on the other  line and asked to speak to me urgently. I hung up to take her call. She was hysterical and said, tearfully,  “you can’t leave now”. She asked for me help. I agreed. I set to one side my differences with her while  we set about managing and treating her illness.  

During the next 8 to 10 years or so, I learned more about my masculinity as I encountered women who  made themselves sexually available to me and who enjoyed my fetishes. On a gradient I learned more  about the full spectrum of my kink. I also discovered that when submissive women are self-expressed,  

they are more connected to their primal selves and more authentic than I was able to deal with at first. I  needed time to understand the sexual power I seemed to naturally exude.  

When I finally got divorced, I was lucky to meet several self-expressed submissive women who pushed  me to explore the darkest parts of my nature and who gave me access to the full spectrum of kink, and a  glimpse into the true power of a D/s dynamic. It was a bit of a surprise to find so many women eager to  submit. I had no idea. In many ways I was living a sheltered life till then. I learned a lot about my desires  by taking on different Dom personas. I found myself a solid disciplinarian, a sadist who enjoyed wielding  the cane and the flogger. I found chains appealing. I found I enjoyed acts of humiliation including water  sports. I discovered I liked the excitement of kink. Tying up and fucking women was more appealing than  I realized. I also came to recognize newly that for me, sex is indeed my love language, and I was  determined to find a woman who was both horny and an obedient submissive masochist. Even with  access to the full spectrum of kink, I was still empty inside. I wanted, in fact needed the intimacy of a  loving relationship in addition to the kink. In addition to a through the roof sex drive to match my own  she needed be comfortable in her body, and also searching for more than kink and sex. I craved kinky  sex for sure, but mostly I craved the intimacy that leads to a meaningful loving relationship, and I was  convinced that I needed to partner with a likeminded submissive.  

I began to truly discover my masculinity and unlock the power that the D/s dynamic allows as possible.  The deeply naturally dominant male inside me longed for and needed the power of a loving and willing  slut with whom I could accomplished the impossible. I intended to experience my own masculinity more  acutely while she herself realized her own femininity as a corollary. I wanted a partner who would jump  into the rabbit hole with me, hand in hand. It occurred to me that as much as I needed to be a sadistic  Dom, I needed a submissive slut who herself needed to explore her own masochistic tendencies. We  cannot exist at all without each other, and I set out to find her. That much was clear. As I searched for  her, luckily, I found her searching for me. Our good fortune is that we are completely aligned. It’s  perfect. We are deeply connected and aligned in every aspect of our kink and more. We have been  exploring our 24/7 TPE D/s dynamic, stretching each other and growing ourselves. It’s been amazing.  

It’s only now, 3 years in, as the Dominant partner in a Total Power Exchange with Lady Petra that I truly  have access to the deeply dominant masculine nature of my authentic self. What I thought was  dominance has changed completely inside that exchange. I am responsible for her sexuality and her  wellbeing and the impact of that has caused me to use her often and hard every single day, while at the  same time, ensuring that she is deeply fulfilled in her own sexual self-expression. Or as she puts it, I “use  her up”. There is more intimacy than I thought possible. I have learned how to be vulnerable. I have  learned how to meter my power, and how to enroll her in her submission. There is much that has come out of our dynamic, including collaring her that itself has led to such amazing blistering hot sex that I am  filled with desire for her on a daily basis. She is my muse. She is the loving object of my poetry. With her  I am fulfilled as a man like never before. I am also deeply in touch with my primal sexuality. This is new  for me and has only been true for me when I am with her and in the throes of our mutual ecstasy that  we find each other most appealing, and the sex so satisfying.  

She has given me the very best gift a man can have. My manhood. My masculinity. I am deeply grateful  to have enjoyed this chapter of my life so far. I can say now, finally, that “I have lived well” too.  

**Note, this is a personal exploration and not meant to be a commentary on masculinity in general (the author).

Consent in a 24/7 TPE Power Exchange

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Everything in kink requires consent. It is only inside of consent that the activities we engage in can occur.  Without consent, many of the activities we engage in might in fact be considered crimes. From 1,000  feet away, that is certainly true. On the other hand, simple things, especially now that the nation is  opening up again and we are starting to hear about clubs and play spaces opening up again, engaging  with kinksters in a public space requires consent. “Is it ok if I do this ….?”  

Negotiating in pick up-play for instance, requires at the very minimum, that consent around hard limits  is discussed and agreed to, but what about consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic? How is consent managed  where one person gifts their power to another.  

In our situation, I am a sensual sadist, and my partner is a submissive masochist. For me to be fully self expressed in my sexuality, I need her to operate as my uninhibited collared slut that gifts me her  submission with her consent. It is a given.  

The question that consideration raises though is how do I know I have her consent? Its not like we go  through a daily scene with me asking her with every action I take if I have her consent. So how do I know.  

One aspect of our dynamic is that we both operate with the full understanding that each of us is 100%  responsible for the health of the dynamic. That requires that each of us respond to any event, thought,  statement or suspicion that there is something perhaps out of sorts by addressing it immediately. We  also hold an especially important context of our dynamic at all times. That being that there is nothing  wrong. So if one of us sees or says something that raises concern, that awareness arises in context that  there is nothing wrong so we can deal with what’s actually so. We do not allow stories to enter into the  discussion. At first, as we were getting related and learning about each other’s habits and routines, we  had cause to have a conversation around this idea that “there is nothing wrong” and once we  established that as a context for our relationship, there have been few if any circumstances where we  would have to address each other from a place of mistrust.  

Another aspect of our dynamic is that we are both sex forward and kink forward. This is something that  was established even before we met. We both wanted to live in a dynamic that was highly sexualized.  The upshot of that is that we play almost daily. The result of having over 1,000 iterations of our kinky  sexuality expressed lives as lived is that we know each other pretty well. I know when I am pushing her  limits and I know when she is on the edge. I am responsible for keeping her on the edge and not taking  her past her limit.  

At the beginning of our sceneing, once she had been claimed, and even to this day after being collared,  she has safe words. Yellow for “I like this but it’s a bit too intense at the moment, keep going” to “Red”  which in our world is simply to “stop now, check in and see if we should continue”. And remember,  there is nothing wrong, so reding out is not a big deal. At the same time, I can tell you that she has used  “yellow” a couple times 3 years ago, and she has never needed to red out. She was told at the outset  that “I don’t break my toys”. This gave her confidence to test her limits.  

This brings me to the most important part of consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic. Consent is based entirely on trust. 

I have had to earn her trust over time as her Master and as her Dom.  

Consider when we met, I had been operating as a disciplinarian in one dynamic and has a cruel sadist in  another and as a Bull in another and she had never been in a kink dynamic although she had been doing kinky things all through her adult life.  

We had to find a way to relate as kinksters so that our dynamic pulled each of us in directions that we  wanted to explore, and to expand our experience of our own sexuality as we explored the twists and  turns of the rabbit hole together. This was a process of trial and error. Mostly we talked a lot. Before, during, and after scenes. I tried many fetishes and kinks with her and she had the experience of being all  in. When things got too hard, she yellowed and after when asked about things we did, she would say, “I  liked this, or I didn’t like that”. This enabled me to hone the ways we played so that I kept her in a state  of heightened arousal, which is what I find deeply arousing. I want her in a trance state on the verge of climax at all times during our scenes.  

I am sexually aroused when the woman I am with is present with me and puts herself forward to be my  sex toy. My 3-hole slut, my personal masochist. And my partner, Lady Petra does just that. The trust that  is present goes both ways. There are times I want her to Top in a scene to explore some aspect of my  own sexuality, like prostate massage for example, and I need to have complete and unwavering trust in her too.  

One of the ways I know I have her consent is that she chooses to kneel for me whenever I ask. I have  also given her the right to choose to kneel without my request so that if she feels the urge to be used,  she can request that I use her by presenting herself. If she did not feel like I had her consent she would  never put herself forward to be used day after day. The act of preparing for use is consent itself.  

The fact that in being used, she experiences multiple squirting orgasms for about 40-90 minutes at a  time is perhaps one reason that she consistently puts herself forward…but I contend that our  communication is clean enough that if she did have something to discuss regarding our play or our  dynamic, she would do so.  

Our dynamic is a 24/7 dynamic in fact. It encompasses every aspect of life. We have created protocols  for many of the specifics that day to day life requires. Why that is important is that our adherence to  protocols allows us to keep a monitor on the relationship in the same way that a pilot monitors his or  her instrument panel. All the dials on the jet’s instrument panel point in one direction. So, if one dial is  out of sorts (pointing away from vertical), the pilot will notice it immediately. This is similar. If there is  not adherence to one or another protocol it is similar to the instrument panel dial pointing in the wrong  direction. In our dynamic that is unlikely though, because Lady Petra is extraordinarily obedient, and I am very much turned on by her obedience.  

One aspect of our consent agreements boils down to this. We agree to put the dynamic aside and speak  as equals if need be. Early on in our dynamic, we had to do this a couple of times till we could get flat  about whatever it was that was bothering one or the other of us. For more than 2 years now, that has  not come up. One reason is that we are both being responsible for the dynamic as I noted earlier. We take the idea of creating the dynamic seriously.  

I am responsible for creating how I occur to her. She is responsible for creating how she occurs to me.  She pulls me to her by they way she shows up for me. She creates me when she prepares herself to be used and lets me know that she is indeed ready for me. This means that however long it takes me to get  there, I will find her kneeling offering me her leash, or on days when she is ready to be marked, she offers me the cane.  

I am also responsible for how she occurs to me. Consider that. If she is upset, its my responsibility. Its up  to me to get to the bottom of it and to do whatever is needed to get her back to being happy. I leave her  the way I leave her. So, when she is upset, I own it, and when I say I am responsible for how she is  experiencing me, it is both disarming and affirming. The point is that it is my responsibility to create her  experience as my collared slut. I want her fully enrolled in being my personal masochist. My personal  perfectly designed 3-hole whore. My fuck toy. I want her to have the experience of feeling like being  with me is a magic carpet ride. Every day. How do I know I have her consent? Because after I use her,  she sits up and takes my face in her hands and kisses me passionately telling me that I am a magician.  We describe our experience together as “bliss”. We both experience what our Tantra friends call “a  Kundalini Awakening”.  

I have her consent because we are both experiencing the deepest, most connected, most intimate,  highly sexualized, satisfying, passionate, hottest loving relationship we can possibly imagine. And we  created it. It has turned out better than we could possibly expect.  

She chooses to kneel for me. This is how I know I have her consent.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/  

A Deep Dive Into Our Kink Relationship

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We live in a 24/7 TPE. She belongs to me. She is my marked, collared and plugged submissive. She gets a  daily maintenance spanking, she kneels for me when asked, and she has full agency.  

We are closer than either of us could have imagined possible. I recently wrote this poem about her: 

My Sexy Slut  

She is my muse  

My creation  

A phenomenon  

A truly sexualized creature  

Her body Pulses  

Vibrates  

And quivers in ecstasy  

Again and again  

She is erotic  

Exotic  

My Cinnamon Girl  

Connected to the earth  

Her animal spirit  

A mountain lion  

Inside her  

Brings me to  

Heights unscaled  

Where air is thin  

Aroused  

Excited  

Growling my approval  

We cum hard ‘together  

Me  

And my Sexy Slut  

When we met 3 years ago, we were both coming off long term unsatisfying marriages. She was  subjected to the whims of her domineering partner, and I suffered the scorn of a frigid wife. We both  have kids and we both have a background in athletics and health care. So there was a lot we could talk  about, and yet, we both brought a lot of baggage to the table.  

I had made the choice after a 4-year journey into hard-core kink following my separation and divorce, to  base my relationship on being an out-kinkster. I chose to seek a submissive partner to explore my sexuality with.  

Now to be clear, I had spent those 4 years post-divorce playing in the kink pool, and what I came to  discover was that intimacy was missing. I also postulated that being an out sexual kinkster, that with a  deeply submissive woman I could create intimacy in this relationship where none had existed before for 

me. I wanted to have a love relationship with a submissive masochist who herself wanted to live in a  24/7 TPE.  

With that context I wrote a “seeking post” that did as much as it could to authentically describe both  what I was seeking and who I was seeking, as well as to state clearly what I was seeking. It was an authentic writing.  

During my time playing with different submissives over the previous few years, I was present to how  many women were seeking domination. So, I was not surprised when many women responded to my  seeking post almost immediately.  

One stood out. My writing occurred to her as if it was written to her personally.  

She and I talked for months before we met. We shared stories, fantasies, kinks, desires, goals,  relationship intentions and so on then I tasked her to test her obedience and her access to masochism  as a sexual experience. She passed the test and I was compelled to meet her in person. We met for a  drink at a place midway between us.  

The way she tells it, it was in that moment of meeting me when she took stock of me in person for the  first time, that she chose to kneel for me. I occurred to her as the Dom she was seeking. Soon after our  meeting, I left the country for a month and when I returned, she was out of town for a couple of weeks.  So, we did not see each other again for around 8 weeks. We agreed to meet over lunch, and then we  met a couple of times for dinner and then on the weekend, she came over, and we took a walk and  shared a bottle of wine on the beach. She had done her research. She had lots of questions.  

She wanted to experience a real dynamic. I was interested in her as a submissive and possibly a  relationship partner long term. And the attraction was chemical. We both found each other attractive  and desirable. We were talking about what was needed to begin a dynamic. I told her that she would  need to put herself forward to be claimed, and we talked in detail about what it would take for her to  choose me to submit to. I described the protocol that she would need to follow for the experience.  

She came over one last time to spend an evening with me and she was excited to play but she had not  yet been claimed, and because I had said so, I was not prepared to play with her until she was finally  separated from her husband whom she was in the process of divorcing.  

I share this history because it was those months of conversations that comprised the negotiations for  our dynamic. We talked in detail about our limits, about the context of a D/s dynamic in a 24/7  relationship. What it would be like, the protocols I required, the specifics and so on. We established safe  words and made an agreement to set the dynamic aside while we deal with what there was to deal with  should the need arise. The more we talked the more she wanted to serve.  

She was ready to be claimed. 

This was not an insignificant moment for us. She arrived on time, and she undressed in the entrance  hall, and crawled to the center of the living room where she took the Nadu pose as instructed. Her  training had begun. The claiming was intended to be intense. She agreed to be marked inside and out as  I fulfilled on claiming her as my personal slut, and in choosing to be her Master. She got marked with  several cane strokes and I pissed down her throat and, in her ass, to mark her inside. She was now my  marked slut, and we began the experience of learning how to play together.  

For the next several weeks, she spent weekends with me and from Friday PM till late on Sunday PM she  wore a play collar and we experienced hard-core kinky sex together. We experimented with a range of  playing styles as we learned to interact sexually with each other. It was fun.  

We debriefed after every scene, and I took what I learned about her into the next scene and so on. But  at this early stage it was till experimentation us. She was experiencing her desire, being to be in a real  dynamic and to offer her submission completely, and I was experiencing the joy of training my  submissive to serve me.  

About a month into our dynamic, things started moving fast on her end and she found herself faced with  a crisis. Her ex-husband was starting to behave erratically, and she was being advised to move out for  her safety. I offered her my place to stay, no strings attached.  

She moved in under duress, but she was grateful for the safe space. I gave her the time and space she  needed to allow her to relax into the dynamic. There was zero pressure.  

She and I found that we liked spending time together. It was new for me to have a woman sleeping in  my bed day after day, and we took walks holding hands and talked and talked and talked about things.  We talked about sex, and food and kids and marriage and divorce and nature and being and religion and  spirituality and health and fitness and dogs and sex some more. I was enrolling her in my world and  specifically in my view of a 24/7 TPE along with other topics like abundance, love, relatedness, intimacy  and connection. We got along famously, we enjoyed each other’s company, and the sex was amazing.  

We talked and fucked and cooked and ate together and drank together, it became clear fairly quicky  that with her in my life, my life was dramatically improved. We started to experience good feelings for  each other. She was bold and said so first and I was confronted by my story of being unlovable, so I had  to be with her feeling strongly about me while I figured out how to deal with my own experience. I had  what I wanted and had been seeking right there in my living room telling me that she was falling in love  with me. Talk about being confronted. (I like to define the word “confronted” as to “look at without flinching”.)  

My search had been for intimacy and so that started an inquiry about what that meant for us. We  continued to explore kink and each other and she pursued her cocktail sommelier credential. This led to  us having a cocktail and an in-depth relationship conversation every day after we fucked. We had a play  scene daily and had high protocol scenes on the weekend. It was a great time. Around the same time, I  implemented a daily maintenance spanking regime to address her mood swings. She was much happier after impact play. This was a game changer on many levels. It gave us new access to her masochism and  the sex got hotter (if that was possible) and we got closer.  

In the meantime, her divorce got finalized and with her being complete, the last condition I had set for  collaring her was satisfied, I offered her my collar. She accepted, and now as my collared slut we  continued to explore intimacy in our relationship newly and if it’s possible to believe, the sex is hotter  every time out than it ever was before.  

We came to a place where we were both able to truly allow the other person in – to be vulnerable. The  way I put it was that I would allow her to hold my heart in one hand and a sharp blade in the other, and I  choose to give her the power to destroy my heart. That is vulnerability. She did the same. We got  vulnerable with each other and that made all the difference. We got closer and the sex got hotter. Crazy.  

Armed with a loving dynamic, our 24/7 TPE took off. Then covid happened and we were stuck at home  in our new collared dynamic. And wow, did we love that. We spent 24 hours a day together living a 24/7  dynamic in reality. It was magical.  

Her mixology skills improved and we found ourselves in a deep conversation about our relationship, our  dynamic, and so on, which led us to starting the podcast because if you really think about it, our kink is  communication. We worked on the coaching program, and we got involved in meeting and interviewing  kinksters to discover more for ourselves. Out of that we made friends in the kink community, and we  have deepened our relationship dramatically. We have also been having ever hotter sex, most recently  described as a “open chakras and a flowing kundalini” by Mystic Chick.  

We are getting close to a tantric experience. We have distilled our scenes down to the essence of pure  pleasure. It’s remarkable. We are left breathless and high each time we fuck.  

We love each other, our kink is wrapped into our sexuality, and we continue to explore.  

Our exploration has a few rules  

– There is nothing wrong  

– We do not allow space between us  

– We are each 100% responsible for the dynamic  

– We relate as Dom/sub, Sadist/masochist, Daddy/little, Master/owned property  

These “rules” create a context for the relationship that keeps us on an even keel. And we have  incorporated protocols that keep us ticking along on all cylinders. We are 100% aligned. Its wonderful.  

I wrote this poem recently:  

She Completes Me  

30 years  

Scorned 

Nullified  

Made Nothing if  

Demeaned  

Diminished  

Held in contempt  

Sneered at  

3 years  

Loved  

Cherished  

Esteemed  

Admired  

Appreciated  

Desired  

Valued  

Love is powerful  

Life is in balance  

She completes me  

As you think about yourself and your life and your kink and your relationship dynamics and you are hoping to experience something similar to what we are experiencing, consider that communication is  our kink, and we would not have gotten here if we were both unclear about what we were seeking in the first place.  

Our entire coaching program is designed to get you here…on your own terms. Feel free to reach out to us on https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground where the Task a Day program will give you access to the experience.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

Training Your Sissy

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You have an effeminate boyfriend even or submissive husband and discover that you really want a gurl.  So it’s up to you to train your sissy to please you.  

The first and most obvious thing to do is to require that she start wearing female underwear. There is  something very sexy about pulling on female underwear as a sissy. It’s a really good place to start. It’s  also a good idea at the same time to begin some form of anal training. To do so, you can start with a  series of extended trials of butt plug insertion. On a gradient, your sissy can train her ass with a bigger  and bigger plug, with longer and longer sessions of being plugged. You want her to get present to the  idea that her ass is yours to use.  

It’s a very good idea to train your sissy to wear stockings with a garter belt, and high heels and perhaps a  skirt along with her frilly lady’s underwear for public showings. This will really put her in the correct  frame of mind to be your service sissy.  

Obviously, the main thing to focus on in training your sissy is to train her to wear a cock cage. If you  think of her ass as her “man-pussy” and her cock as her “over developed clit”, then it becomes easier to  help progress her sissyfication to full Gurliness.  

Next, you need to begin to teach your sissy how to properly use makeup to make sure she is beautiful  for you. And of course, she will need a pretty pink wig to complete the ensemble.  

Imagine her in an outfit with her pink hair, all made up with her short skirt, garter belt, nylons and high  heels and her cock cage peeking out of her frilly lingerie. How cute!  

It’s a good idea to have your sissy in a collar and leash when you have guests so she on display as  “owned” when she serves you. She can serve you and your friends drinks and hors d’oeuvres while  dressed as your personal French maid to make everybody’s evening fun. And of course, you can use her  and share her with your friends if that is what is desired. She can fluff your girlfriends, get paddled by  them and even pegged by them if you desire.  

Ultimately, while denial is a good teacher and while milking your sissy into a cocktail glass for her to  drink every so often is a fun creative way to give her a release, you really want to train your sissy to be  your pegging bitch. Training her to be pegged should begin with a one finger prostate massage and  progress from there. You should train your sissy to take thicker and thicker and longer dildos with the  goal of eventually using a strap on to fuck your sissy’s ass. Over time, bigger cocks and even fisting her  ass is a possibility. It’s all a matter of training. Remember, your sissy is there to please you.  

It’s fine to restrict your sissy to clean up duty, so she can eat out your cum filled pussy or ass, and its also  fine to teach your sissy how to properly pleasure you orally so that if you feel like having an orgasm she  can oblige. It’s also completely on the cards to train your sissy to fluff or clean your male partners or  Bulls. I have known women to require their sissy to be a fuck toy for their Bulls too. It’s all up to you.  

It’s a good idea accustom your sissy be paddled. The use of a paddle or a hairbrush on your sissy is a  particularly good way to discipline her, and we all know that she will need to be disciplined occasionally.  She should know that when you give her a good over the knee paddling, you do so because you are  training her, not just to be cruel. It’s never a good idea to paddle out of anger. Training your sissy to be  your good gurl is a time-honored process where care and nurturing of her is important. She thrives on humiliation and it’s your job as her mistress to bring her along so that she is well trained to please you  the way you desire.  

The good news is that there are innumerable cis men out there looking for a Mistress to serve. If you  want a sissy, she is there for the taking.  

Like with any kink, sissyfication requires communication. Many sissies do not really know all that there is  to be gained by being feminized, and they often do not expect to have the strong positive reaction to  being feminized that they do. They find that they really come to love the experience, and many go on to  contemplate extreme measures, like castration, to fulfil on their duty to their Mistress. The thing is that  sissyfication is and feminization is not the same thing as transformation. A trans girl is not feminizing  because they are being trained as a sissy, they are feminizing because they are indeed a female inside.  Feminization and sissyfication are aspects of humiliation of a cis male that your sissy thrives on.  

A good way to approach the process of sissyfication is to work on “brainwashing” your sissy. Hypnosis is  a useful tool in this approach. I recommend The Brainwshing Book: Hypnotic, Erotic Behaviorism and  Beyond by Sleepinggirl, who both practices hypnokink personally and she also teaches hypnokink workshops.  

“Brainwashing” is a concept that titillates and mystifies—it implies an intense kind of control over  another person and surrender of will. Within the context of erotic hypnosis, it might be considered a  sort of holy grail to some, but what does it mean to achieve this in an ethical, effective, and mutually  enjoyable way? In “The Brainwashing Book,” she explores a model that teaches and takes advantage of  well-researched psychological principles and intermediate-to-advanced hypnosis skills in order to pursue  this fun, hot form of play—and find how it can improve your trancing as a whole. Sleepingirl is a queer  writer, presenter, and podcaster with a decade of real-life erotic hypnosis experience on both sides of the “pocket watch.”  

So armed with a cock cage, a series of butt plugs, a strap on and several didlos, a collar and leash, and a  good paddle, your sissy can be trained to experience herself as a gurl designed to perfectly please you.  She will need her ladies underwear, her garter belt and stockings, high heels and a short skirt along with  a wig and make up. And of course, the most important consideration, a good attitude. She needs to buy in completely.  

In many cases, it’s a good idea to train your sissy to serve you and your friends. She can present herself  in her pretty outfit and make sure you and your girlfriends have drinks and snacks and she can serve to  pleasure your girlfriends by letting herself be used by them as a fuck toy. This would be a very  humiliating services and one to aspire to rather than one to start out with. I have learned of sissy’s who  are well trained to be toilet submissives for their Mistresses. So the sky is the limit. If you can think of it,  you can train your sissy to execute.  

It is important to emphasize that training a sissy is about enrolling them in the process and bringing  them along on a gradient that allows them time to adjust to the concept and context. Communication is  key. Negotiations must be frank and its important to make progress with each transition with the sissy  buying in completely. This may take some time, but its worth it in the end. The folks we have talked to  who are involved in FLR dynamics who are pursuing sissyfication are among the happiest kinksters we  have ever encountered. Living your true self expression as a kinkster is really powerful. 

We have found that those submissive kinksters who know what they genuinely want and who they truly  are experience the process of sissyfication with an open heart.  

Ultimately its up to you to be responsible for leading the communication to make sure you train your sissy well. If you need coaching to help you train your sissy, then feel free to reach out to us to ask us how to begin.  

On our pod, The Kinky Coctail Hour, we had a conversation with a sissy that is worth a listen  https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/8440166  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

The Power Of Choice In Power Exchange

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Submission is a choice.  Every aspect of the power we hand over to another individual is a daisy chain of choices.  I have always been transparent about the struggles I had in learning how to make those choices.

I chose to offer Him my submission and He rejected me.

I chose to offer it a second time and He took me under consideration.

I chose when to kneel.  I chose when to call Him Sir and once again when to call Him Master. I chose when to crawl.  

And I chose when to finally let go.

As I write this, I understand that to the naked eye, it seems as though I had all the power.  And we all know how I feel about that saying.  

What I am trying to do is highlight the slow decent into complete acceptance.  He has a considerable amount of patience.  He pushed me by setting His expectations a notch higher than I thought I could achieve. 

Every. Single. Time.

By turning me down, He verified I had an honest desire to serve Him and the determination to address things that make me uncomfortable.

By letting me kneel at my pace, He could see that understanding dawn in my eyes when I finally accepted the desires I spoke about.

By allowing me to choose how to address Him, He guaranteed my service was sincere and natural.

By waiting for me to crawl, He watched me finally comprehend that my discomfort is secondary to His pleasure.

In a profoundly silent style, He taught me how to sink into my submission and wrap it around me like a warm cloak of spirituality.

Each of these led to my final choice: to offer Him a Total Power Exchange.  He would (and does) own my body, my mind, and my soul.  At this point in O/our dynamic, my limits are His limits.  

Now, the reason I am laying this out, is because you need to understand the building blocks of our dynamic before I tell you the final step of His “training” process.

Once I reached the point of complete acceptance, He pointed out the most important part of what I had learned.  I had learned to anticipate His needs, and, by default, my own.  During my efforts to figure out my own wants and needs, I had started subconsciously seeking his approval.  I had, without realizing it, had taken the service aspect to heart.  My happiness came from my ability to make His life easier.  It was (and still is) my mission to recognize and provide everything He desires without Him ever saying a word.

Only once I reached the point of anticipating His thoughts (as much as submissive can anticipate the thoughts of a Sadist) were we able to delve into O/our favorite part of BDSM.

Now the fun part.

I am going to ask you to define Mental Bondage.

I know, without ever hearing the answers, that each of you gave me a different definition.

Here’s why:

If you type Mental Bondage into Google (without any other code words), you will get two types of answers.  The first is religious.  They refer to mental bondage as the inability to see, feel, or understand the spirit of God. The second is a warning against domestic abuse.  Mental bondage, in that capacity, refers to the inability to break the cycle of abuse and recognize the trauma being experienced.

If those aren’t vastly different ends of the spectrum, I don’t know what is.

If you change your search to “BDSM Mental Bondage,” the answers move to kink related themes. 

1) The first answer is sexual hypnosis.  Sexual Hypnosis, also called Erotic Hypnosis, is the use of hypnosis to elicit a particular set of sexual or sensual responses.  It can be used to force orgasms, increase sensitivity to touch, or implement trigger words that can sink someone into sub space.  While it is not my kink (mostly because attempted hypnosis just triggers my narcolepsy), I did take a class on it at one time out of curiosity.  For those who can use hypnosis in (or as) their kink, it is amazing to see the sensuality of it.  I have a friend who partakes, and she keeps her trigger word private because it will turn her extremely primal.  I was able to watch her play with Master one time where she wanted to have her word used in conjunction with electricity.  It was…quite the scene.

2) The second answer you will see is a reference to positional training.  This most often references the Gorean slave positions or submissive training poses.  I make the distinction between these because while some of the poses overlap, they are two separate sets of positions and commands to learn.  There are three common languages used to give the commands.  The first is English, and most commonly coincides with submissive training poses.  The second is German, akin to the same words used to train dogs (and I may or may not have managed to surprise Master when I responded to them).  I have seen this one used in more High Protocol settings, and more often used with slaves.  The last is the common tongue of Gor.  These are the terms (and definitions) outlined in the Gor Series (written by John Norman).  These books are the foundations of the Gorean lifestyle.

The reason positional training falls under Mental Bondage is because the learning of these positions becomes second nature to the submissive and often can sink them into a particular mindset, depending on the position used.  This is especially true with the Gorean positions.  For example, the position “Bracelets” is used to put slave bracelets on so the slave may be chained.  “Leasha (Leash)” is the position used to attach a leash to the slave.  

If you have been in either of those positions (formally or just in play), they are vastly different mindsets.

3) The third most common answer revolves around 24/7 dynamics.  It is the commitment of a submissive to the rules laid out by their Dominant.  Think about it.  Do your rules dictate what you eat, what you wear, or what you can say?  Are you required to answer questions with a particular honorific or in a certain way?  

All of these are forms of mental bondage.  You are bound to a strict set of expectation that you are only released from at your Dominant’s discretion.  It is an invisible version of bondage.  It is much like being bound with rope and only being freed once your Dominant desires it.

While there are quite a few other definitions, the ones listed above are the most commonly agreed upon within the vast online BDSM community.

Then there is U/us.

While we do use aspects of the previous mentioned definitions, we have developed O/our own version of Mental Bondage.

Mental Bondage, in my experience, is the adherence to protocols, orders, and positions that have only been anticipated (and never verbally directed) with the expectation of correction if the submissive is wrong.

Sounds scary, huh?

To me, it sounds deliciously fearsome.  Which is why Mental Bondage is my kink.

O/our version of Mental Bondage does have a component of Consensual Non-Consent (CNC).  The expectations laid upon me change each time we play. As mentioned, many times before, I do not know what is going to happen until it happens.  

One example of Mental Bondage is “the waiting game.”

When Master has decided it is time to scene, I am sent down to my room to wait for Him.  He never states how I am to wait.  The only consistent is the fact that I kneel.  Sometimes I am naked and other times I am dressed.  Sometimes I am in Nadu pose.  Other times I kneel at the edge of the bed, my forehead to the mattress, my arms extended out above my head.  The pose depends on what I have anticipated He wants me to do.  

Unfortunately for me, W/we like to combine Mental Fuckery and Mental Bondage, so I am only right about 20% of the time.

Another one of Master’s favorite expressions of mental bondage occurs during impact play.  Sadomasochism is a heavy part of our play.  This means that we play for short amounts of time at a high intensity with little warm-up or cool down.  I have been bucked off a spanking bench and a barrel from the force of the impact.  

Do you know what happens when I break position?

I pick myself up and move back into position.  He never breaks posture, nor does He speak.  He knows that once I am in a position, I will hold it until His direction changes.  He expects me to hold myself in a way where He can reach as much of my body as physically possible.  

While He refuses to admit to me that He enjoys watching me struggle, I can see it clearly on His face.  Watching my legs tremble beneath me, hearing me sob as I try to continually hold my body against the force of impact, and ultimately watching me collapse brings a sinister grin to His face.

Rope has been used only one time during the length of O/our dynamic.  Metal cuffs have been used three times, and I can count the number of times my leather cuffs have been used on one hand.  Outside of those instances, all of the bondage I am subjected to is mental.

In my experience, Mental Bondage brings me a sense of accomplishment.  Knowing that I am pushing my body to the edge to hold a position for longer periods of time, simply because He wants me to, is rewarding.  

It also gives me a focus point.  Master does not like to keep the same rhythm during play.  Doing so would allow me to push out the pain.  He wants me to feel it, to experience it in the moment, and to push through it.  Repetitive motion, like a flogging, can allow a submissive to sink into a meditative state to push their pain threshold.  He expects me to push through it through an active choice to continue (through the withholding of my safeword).

I have the choice to put myself back into position.

I have the choice to stop experiencing the pain and the pleasure.

I even have the choice to break the invisible hold of mental bondage by using my safeword.

After all, there is nothing physically stopping me.

It is my honor as a submissive that bound me to Master.  It is my desire to serve and please Him.  It comes down to the moment I gave Him power over me.  

The moment I gave Him my power to choose.

Submit To The Person

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Today, I’m thinking about a tendency among many submissives, to think of a dominant as the entire person, rather than as a dynamic in a relationship with a person. You’ll hear them say, “I’m looking for ‘A  Dominant’”, “Why can’t I find more ‘Dominants’?”, “I’m A Submissive, I need A Dominant”. It is as if the  person is defined solely by their preference when it comes to power dynamics. The notion is that ‘A  Dominant’ is what a person is…when, in reality, a person ‘is’ a lot of things – including being a dominant in their relationships. 

From my perspective as a dominant woman, I see this predominantly from male submissives (but it is  certainly not limited to a specific gender). Very often, they approach women, looking for ‘A Dominant’ without any consideration for who the woman really is. Worse, they have often already defined what ‘A  Dominant’ is, and are looking for it, exclusively. The ‘Dominant’ is viewed as a collective object – predictable based solely on their preference for “dominance” – and consistent from person to person  (as long as they “know how to dominate”). Any dominant will do, because they are believed to be interchangeable. Of course, since that’s not true, this often can create serious issues with the relationship. 

This viewpoint manifests itself in several common ways: Many submissives have a predetermined view  of what ‘a dominant’ does; how they act; their attitude; their dress – and don’t see a person as dominant  unless they meet those criteria. Or, they may discover that they don’t have compatibility with a  dominant from a relationship perspective, even though they’ve had compatibility in kink. Or, they may  not recognize dominance, if it doesn’t match the femininely-styled masculine image of a dominant. 

I’ve discussed this last point before; the notion that dominance equatesto masculinity – and therefore,  female dominance is thought of as a femininely-stylized imitation of masculinity. In my previous articles,  I’ve pointed out that the porn-imagery of the female dominant shows women as ‘penetrators’ with  strap-ons, in biker leathers (stylized), and having the heels of their boots (stylized jack boots) sucked  ‘like a cock’. The notion that someone who doesn’t prefer traditionally masculine qualities (e.g.,  aggression, anger, micro-management, competitiveness, desire to overpower, etc.) is not ‘allowed’ in  that imagery of dominance. 

Relationships are a complex collection of traits, personalities, and dynamics. Power dynamics are just  one of many dynamics that may exist in a relationship. The person who is the dominant has many other  facets totheir personalities – most having absolutely nothing to do with power dynamics. If you enter a  relationship with a person, solely based on one dynamic or attribute, you are destined to encounter  problems and potentially dissolution of the relationship. For example, people who have entered  relationships because “the sex was so good”, have experienced the same types of issues. Folks doing the  same for power dynamics likely are headed for similar negative outcomes. 

The key here, is to submit to the person, not to their role in a dynamic. If you’re thinking something  longer-termed than sharing a scenario, dedicating yourself in service to someone is a serious  commitment. There needs to be something about that PERSON that makes you want to submit to them. 

Something more than their gender and that they identify as dominant. You are submitting to the entire  person, who they are, not just what role they prefer to play. You must get to know who they are to be  able to establish a relationship based on more than power dynamics. Only then can you customize your  submission to mold and serve the full person.  

The next time you feel like engaging with someone who identifies as ‘dominant’, try to identify what it is  about that unique person that is drawing you to serve them. If it’s nothing more than their gender and  preference for dominance, slow down, get to know who they really are, and then THEN make the decision to submit! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com