submissive training

Does Submission Need to Include Sacrifice?

May 14, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

I was, as I often do, reading some posts in Fetlife this morning. As I read through the posts, I noticed the recurring notion that submissives “sacrifice” things: Their freedom, their desires, their dignity. The common belief is that submissives “give up” parts of themselves in order to serve the dominant. That, in order to serve the dominant, they need to deprive themselves (or be deprived) of something they want. To further the stereotypes: They are often either manipulated into this sacrifice, or want to sacrifice to a dominant who will gladly make them do so.

I got around to thinking about my submissives. I’ve never thought about them sacrificing for me…this is what THEY want to do. I came to the realization that while they give a lot, they don’t actually GIVE UP anything.

I sat down and discussed this with my husband (who is my slave). His answer was telling:

“If I think about the way dominance and submission are depicted in videos, then it’s pretty clear that the submissives are ‘put upon’ to do what the dominant wants. They are usually ‘forced’ to do so, actually. They are often acting against their will and acting like they ‘have’ to do things that they don’t, or wouldn’t, want to do. If that’s the case, then yes, they’re sacrificing…they’re sacrificing their own wills and their own desires in favor of the dominant’s. But I don’t feel that way about my submission to you. I’m not sacrificing any of myself…I’m not forced to serve you. I CHOOSE to serve you. I WANT to serve you. In serving you, in doing what you want and placing those desires in front of my own, I am getting exactly what I want. In fact, if I were not able to serve you, I’d be sacrificing – because I would have to give up my ultimate enjoyment.”

His answer got me thinking: Why does submission need to be a negative thing? Why do we think the submissive is “oppressed”? My husband is certainly not oppressed.

So this brings up the obvious paradox: If a man wishes to ‘sacrifice’…and is given the opportunity to do so…is he really sacrificing? Isn’t this really what’s at the root of submission? There is a reason that submissives submit: It’s not because they HAVE to…that’s capitulation and acquiescence…it’s because they CHOOSE to. Submission is a conscious dedication to the dominant. Submissives WANT to submit.

This paradox is as old as time, but how it conflicts with reality seems to underlie a lot of fantasy activities. The fantasy is to sacrifice…but to be allowed to sacrifice is not a sacrifice. Submissives want to feel they have sacrificed…many want to be forced to sacrifice – and yet, the very nature of free will and consent take that away. The reality is, SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual), keeps the fantasy a fantasy! If you crossed the line and actually forced a submissive to sacrifice, it would be considered abuse.

So submissives who want that fantasy need to artificially manufacture the illusion of sacrifice. They crave manipulation, they want to be forced to capitulate. Many want to be put in chastity devices to sacrifice sexual freedom, or want to live in bondage and desolate servitude…or sign contracts (even if they have no legal meaning). They invent terms like TPE (Total Power Exchange) and CNC (Consensual Non-Consent) to obfuscate consensual sacrifice and make it look as though there is no free will – when, in fact, you can’t actually give up free will (because there will always be legal recourse to get it back).

But submission is given a bum-wrap for this imagery. The fantasy is what people see – and what the general public associates with power dynamics. The fantasy of sacrifice and oppression is what applies pressure on spouses and partners who want to be served, but don’t want to oppress. It’s what some submissives point to when defining what dominance “has to be.”

It’s what I’ve been combatting with my methodology for more than a dozen years.

In reality, submission is not sacrifice. Submission, for my husband and many others, is fulfillment. Submission is their freedom. They are not ‘giving up’ anything at all…they are ‘obtaining’ fulfillment of their desires. You can play games and enact fantasies, but ultimately, the actual submission is voluntary – the devotion of submission is fulfilling and enlivening.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Managing Multiple Subs

April 24, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

A couple of days ago, I was asked a question regarding managing the problems of having multiple subs who serve you at the same time. As my readers know, I’m not talking about multiple play partners, but rather, multiple partners who are striving to fulfill my expectations, desires, and preferences.

The question was how I avoid the problems of multiple partners, particularly in the area of sexuality – how I manage intimacy with different subs. The person asking was having trouble rationalizing multiple partners and how to split your time, attention, and commitment between them.

This person was seeing all sorts of problems with treating all subs “equally”, yet having some who are closer than others, and what that does to them in terms of jealousy and competition.

This became yet another excellent use of the “layers” concepts (rather than rehash that here, I refer you to my books, fetlife, or other articles that discuss the layers analogy). Bottom line, the way I look at power dynamics simplifies these questions. The layers concept views D/s relationships as relationships (of some sort) to which we’ve added a power dynamic. I currently have D/s relationships with 4 people. All of them are dedicated to serving me in whatever way I define their submission. They’re all my submissives and the power dynamic with all of them is very similar.

However, their underlying relationships are very different: One is my husband, one is the husband of a close friend, one is basically my lawyer and the fourth is a friend, turned business associate.

Naturally, the relationship I have with my husband is very different than those I have with the other 3 – however, it’s not because of a difference in the power dynamic (or their intent within the power dynamic) – it’s due to differences in the underlying relationship type. Clearly, one doesn’t feel the same way about a friend than they do about a spouse – with or without a power dynamic! You trust your spouse more than your lawyer (lawyer jokes aside). You communicate better with your business partner than the husband of a friend (you hope).

Resolving the Paradoxes

The way the person had asked the question conflated relationship-level attributes with power dynamic level attributes and hence, they were having trouble resolving the paradoxes: How can you have the same type of power dynamic with someone you love versus a friend? How does your spouse have more privilege than your friend without jealousy?

For me, it’s simple: I have relatively equal power dynamics with very different types of relationships…and therefore the blended whole of each relationship is very different. But from the perspective of the power dynamics – how they serve me – their intent – the rules they live by — those things are nearly identical.

The question about sexuality is moot when considered within the context of this separation: Sex is something that (at least for me) depends on the underlying relationship type. Whether I am sexual with someone has nothing to do with their service to me, it has to do with the type of underlying relationship we have.

If you’re not the type to have sex with the husband of a friend, or your lawyer, or your business associate, then you’re not going to have sex with them if they’re your submissive! So, I don’t have sex with those submissives. I do, however, have sex with my husband. The fact that they’re all my submissives doesn’t change that…because it’s not the power layer that defines the sexual component of our overall relationships.

The other subs understand this separation – they don’t feel jealousy because they understand that, while they are equals when it comes to submission, they are not on equal footing in the underlying relationship. They don’t EXPECT to have that type of intimacy, because theirs is not that type of relationship.

The Team Approach

When it comes to managing the submission of multiple partners, the number one rule is that they operate as a team: My submissives comprise “Team Rika”. The overall success of Team Rika is my happiness – how well the overall team serves me. It has nothing to do with the relative position or performance of any particular team member. Each team member brings their strengths to the team and together they fill in each other’s weaknesses. They work together to be the best team they can be. They can only succeed together.

I have a couple of rules of thumb that govern this team, which help to eliminate jealousy and competition – both of which are poison to a multiple-partner dynamic:

1) I segment the areas of their focus. I don’t assign two submissives the same area of my life. If one sub manages the kitchen, another one manages transportation, another will manage wardrobe, another will manage the garden, etc. This keeps them out of each other’s hair and avoids two of them trying to serve me in the same space.

2) Competition is the enemy of good teamwork. A lot of folks believe that you get the best out of a person when you make them compete. This is true for the performance of an individual, but I don’t believe it’s the best solution for a team. The focus of each team member must be the performance of the team, not their particular performance.

3) Due to #2, a sub who is competitive has lost sight of the ultimate goal of the team, and will no longer be allowed to serve. They will be given opportunity to change their ways, but ultimately, if I feel they are continuing to act in a counter-productive manner to the benefit of the team, I will remove them from the team – no matter what they’re bringing in terms of individual performance. The health of the team is far more important than any one person. I have luckily only had to do this once in almost 30 years.

4) I don’t show favorites. As I already discussed, the underlying relationship types factor into the overall relationship and how I treat that partner, however, as far as the power dynamic is concerned, everyone is held to the same standard. Everyone is expected to strive to fulfill their commitment to the dynamic. I provide equal assessment and feedback, simple gifts, clear communications of my expectations, recognition, and active attention.

5) Tattling is a big ‘no-no’. I’m not interested in individual guilt or assignment of blame. The team succeeds or fails together. The team needs to work within itself to grow. They need to help each other and correct each other. They share a common objective and if they keep their focus on that objective, they will help each other work through their differences and insecurities. Personal goals are most visible when you take your eye off the team’s goals. It’s fine to want yourself to succeed, but if that surpasses your focus on the objective of the team, you’re priorities are out of alignment.

Wrap up

This is not an easy thing to manage multiple submissives, however, it is very doable when you understand the forces at play. As the dominant, you need to be clear as to your expectations – not only regarding how they serve you, but also their responsibilities to each other. When a team is functioning well, it feels effortless. If you find yourself resolving conflicts, managing egos, reassuring insecurities – then something is amiss within your team and you need to snuff it as quickly as possible. Determine the root cause and if you can’t remediate it, eliminate it. Your team will serve you well – and a well functioning team will serve you better than any one person can.

Overcoming Obstacles to General Acceptance Requires Focus on the D/s in BDSM

April 2, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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I am confident that there will come a time, when relationships with power dynamics will be commonly accepted in our culture. We are already seeing signs of it in popular media: BDSM has become a bit more “mainstream”; moving beyond its presence in fashion and showing up in more real ways. Power dynamics are plots and sub-plots in the shows we view at home, in the movie theaters, and in books.

BDSM is arriving, but not “all of it”. B&D and S&M are being depicted, but D/s is lagging far behind! In many ways, it’s easier to depict BDSM without D/s. It’s relatively easy to have actors “do things to each other” than to pull off the deeper character development needed to portray a committed D/s dynamic convincingly and so, for impact value, ease of production, and perhaps out of lack of understanding, media has embraced S&M and B&D and foregone the emotional commitment of D/s.

This creates some issues, not the least of which is that the imagery of B&D and S&M, particularly as portrayed within the media, is very closely aligned with the imagery of abuse, biker-outlaws, Nazism, and psychotics! As someone who just wants to engage in consensual healthy power dynamics, this is quite troublesome.

As I’ve pointed out previously, power dynamics in media, which is a critical first step in acceptance in culture, is in its infancy. We are barely beginning to be introduced to characters of substance, who have a healthy interest in D/s; who do not have to be damaged by childhood trauma, or psychotic drive as an excuse to enjoy open power exchange. Only barely…for most of the characters still suffer from some aspect of that excuse, or are portrayed as comedic shills – wild, out-there characters who will push any norm. We have not yet seen a character within a power dynamic, who does not require a “reason” for being involved in it. It is not “normal” yet – and therefore needs an explanation to be believable.

This is going to change. Much the way interracial relationships used to be verboten – then accepted with excuse – and now presented everywhere, without calling any attention to itself; power dynamics will eventually be portrayed as a matter of course – a sub-text – and nothing out of the ordinary. We will eventually relate to the characters in such a way that they will be able to accept their interests without need for explanation. We will get to the point where we won’t need to understand Joe and Mary’s childhood experiences to accept that they are a happily married couple – and Mary chooses to serve Joe as his submissive”. We’ll just accept that and be focused on the real plot of the show.

I hope to live long enough to see the day…but I do believe it WILL happen.

What are the obstacles standing in the way of making this happen? The first problem to overcome is to establish that people can choose to be dominant or submissive without it reflecting a weakness or a flaw in their character. We still seem to need an explanation – a reason why someone would want to stray from the perceived norm. The assumption is that there HAS to be something lacking or damaged in the personalities.

There is a learned resistance to power dynamics that stems from society’s proactive attempts to criminalize abuse. Due to the abolition of slavery, the emancipation of women, and the movement against discrimination of all types – there is an overarching sensitivity to repression and imbalance. We naturally want to repel any unfairness. However, conflating consensual power dynamics with these examples of non-consensual abuse is misleading, and harmful.

Even once we can clarify the difference between consensual power dynamics and non-consensual abuse, there are still other obstacles to overcome. Gender bias very much sways acceptance. The generalization is that men tend to be dominant and women tend to be submissive. Intellectually, we know how wrong that stereotype is. It has been a high obstacle for rebellion in women’s rights activists who have had to fight it. Even though our young generations are being raised without that assumption, it’s still present and impacts the way media portrays the dynamics.

If I were to present a show where Joe is Mary’s master, the audience would accept the premise. Of course, the feminist mentality in all of us would challenge the producers with claims that the relationship is setting back women’s independence by many years and there would be flack for allowing the stereotype to be perpetuated, but no one would challenge the nature of the arrangement. The audience would never challenge why Joe wants to be the dominant. They would even accept that Mary is submissive. Dominance=masculinity…submission=femininity.

But turn it around: Joe is Mary’s submissive. Suddenly, the audience will seek to find a rationale: WHY does he want to be submissive? What is lacking from his masculinity? Is he “pussy-whipped”? Is he a “mama’s boy” or Is he compensating for some childhood trauma? Is he looking for a release from the pressures of his otherwise dominant life? Furthermore, why would Mary want to be dominant? Is she a radical feminist? Does she hate men? The audience will struggle figure out what’s driving these two to make such a diversion. It’s viewed as “Role-Reversal” because the popular beliefs have been challenged. Gender bias is a huge obstacle.

It’s also interesting that BDSM submission seems easier for the public to accept than dominance. Dominance is viewed as the one “doing the doing”. This is the BDSM-mentality of doing things TO the submissive. That’s the imagery. Under this assumption, people will “excuse” a submissive, by attributing their acceptance as weakness in the presence of the power and persuasion of a determined dominant. But the motivations of a dominant are immediately suspect and have no excuse. They are evil, power hungry Bond-villains, out to take over the world. They are psychotic sadists, who have to hurt to be whole.

How does this change? How do we find BDSM relationships to be acceptable regardless of gender, and be brought out from behind closed doors? How do we get to a point where submission and dominance are equally acceptable?

I believe that a focus on D/s as the primary motivation for a couple, without the necessity of the imagery of S&M and B&D, will begin to bridge acceptance. Establishing an emotional bond between two partners in which one chooses to serve the other, will be more easily digested by the public. Most people have felt the desire to serve another and most people will accept that allowing someone to serve you (who WANTS to serve you) can be a natural response. Most people will accept that you don’t have to be psychotic to feel and desire consensual power dynamics.

As we all know, B&D and S&M are OPTIONAL ACTIVITIES in a relationship with D/s power dynamics. They are elected within the context of the power agreement. They will likely not be the only activities. Portray this in the media, even though it’s much harder to do, and we will see a change in perception and acceptance. Once the emotional bond is established in the minds of the viewers, they will accept it as the motivation for any physical bondage that follows. So long as the D/s is the primary motivation, the practices of B&D and S&M will be more readily acceptable and the public will not be dreaming up more destructive rationale for the actions. And if they are not present at all, more people will be exposed to, and understand, pure D/s dynamics…that can’t be a bad thing!

Edging, Orgasm Training, and Orgasm Denial In A D/s Relationship

March 13, 2021 By Kinky Assignments 2 Comments

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Edging, Orgasm Training & Orgasm Denial in a D/s relationship

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Training/Discipline vs Punishment

January 17, 2021 By SafferMaster 3 Comments

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My ideal relationship is a 24/7 TPE (Total Power Exchange) D/s Dynamic where I am fully in alignment with my submissive masochist who has chosen to serve me because that is exactly what she wants. She chooses me to kneel before as a new action each day. My orientation is to enroll her in what I am up to and for her to see the possibility of the dynamic that allows her to choose me to gift her submission to because she wants to serve me. Another way of saying this is that she does what I want her to do because she wants to do it.

In this context, training my submissive to please me is as simple as making simple tweaks or suggestions to her behavior to guide her as she reaches for perfection in her service. It is high order for her to achieve her goal of pleasing me ongoingly.

Let me offer one example. It pleases me a great deal that she kneels for me to put herself forward to be used. In so doing, she invites me to take her, and to use her as I see fit. She is offering herself by gifting her body and mind to me. Her presentation is particular. Before we played for the very first time, we talked for months in detail about our perfect dynamic ideas, and what it would take for it to succeed in creating it, and we talked about how to begin our total power exchange. I invited her to give me her consent by putting herself forward to be claimed. We also talked about how during her claiming ceremony she would be marked inside with piss and outside with a cane. The time came to begin when she ended her marriage, and a space was created to start something new. We talked in detail over months during which time my desire crystalized, and I shared with her my particular preference to have her present herself in the Nadu pose.

The first time she offered herself to me was the day she put herself forward to be claimed. Because it was the first time, when she knelt for me, I noticed a few ways that she could improve her posture to please me and recognized an opportunity to coach her. I gently corrected and adjusted her posture to assume the perfect Nadu pose. Knees apart, back straight, head lowered, hands resting in a relaxed position, palms up, on her thighs. Perfect to my eye. Only one time since then, more than two years ago, was I promoted to make a correction. I gently turned her hands over to perfect her pose. Now when she kneels for me, and she offers herself to be used every single day, she assumes the pose perfectly and she pleases me. With this simple action, she creates me.

Part of her training includes taking on a new context for her life as she moved from an abusive marriage where her context was one of survival, to our dynamic where she was being trained to live with freedom and power and full self-expression. Naturally, that is a big lift in the best of circumstances.

On occasion, because we live together in our 24/7 TPE dynamic, she would let her mind run away with her as she reverted to the ordinary way of being. Because she was in an abusive marriage before we met, something would come up between us, some issue or other that she would make meaning about. This would inevitably create an upset or space between us. This is something we had agreed not to allow. At the same time, I observed that this sort of upset tended to occur predictably when we had not engaged in impact play for more than a few days. I thought about it, and it occurred to me that she experienced total clarity for days after we engaged in intense impact play, and I made the determination that what she really needed was my daily attention as her Dom. I implemented a daily “maintenance spanking” protocol which she agreed to, reluctantly at first, worrying about being what it would mean to be spanked by her sadist every day.

New actions lead to unexpected outcomes. What happened for her, is that she is now crystal clear about how this new action has opened her exploration of her experience as a masochist and now she looks forward to her spanking because in addition to fully expressing herself as a masochist, the spankings lead to hot, hot sex and she experiences multiple orgasms every day. One result of our daily spanking routine is a daily scene where her pussy, ass and mouth are used in addition to her having her ass spanked red. It’s a very erotic and sexy daily experience and has furthered our dynamic bringing us closer together.

She is trained to serve me during every waking hour and even in bed, where she cups my balls as we share a daily gratitude practice, we often find that her nightly stroking of my cock turns into her gibing me head, and she falls asleep with my taste on her lips after we roll over to spoon, falling asleep with my hand holding her breast.

Training my slut to please me is an ongoing process of enrolling her in being the submissive I want her to be. Here is the important thing. There is never anything wrong. She never needs punishment because she is a service slut who strives to please and if she fails, she punishes herself harder than anything I could do. Remember, she is a masochist, so if I use impact to punish her, am I really punishing her? My view is that a 24/7 dynamic training is ongoing as she strives to please me without fail. Given that she is in an ongoing training paradigm, which is to gently prompt and coach required behaviors, the question remains as to why, when and how I would choose to punish my submissive?

Allow me to offer an example of a situation that occurred where punishment was required even though she was in training. Early on she had made an agreement with me to not perve (access or read) my messages without my permission. She broke her word and was out of integrity with me by accessing my Fetlife account one morning when I was still sleeping. She then spent the day making meaning out of a few message exchanges she had read bits and pieces of. Because I leave my computer screens open and often step away from my office (I work at home), we made the agreement requiring her to avoid taking advantage of the access, and to be sure, it required some degree of self-discipline on her part not to immediately revert to old familiar behavior out of a natural tendency to be suspicious. She did, after all, live for decades with an abusive husband who repeatedly stepped out on her.

While I understood her motivations, she had, nevertheless, indeed broken her agreement with me. A break in integrity demands a consequence. In this case the strategy was to first teach her how to restore her integrity with me. Restoring integrity is a necessary part of the process. First she had to identify and state what action she took to break the agreement and fall out of integrity – she perved my messages – then what the impact of that was for me – a lack of trust, a feeling of being let down, disappointment, etc, and for her, a feeling of letting me down, being untrustworthy, of knowing herself as someone untrustworthy, and so forth, including how it made her feel to know herself as someone who breaks agreements, and then she had to state what structure she would put in place to not have the broken agreement occur again in the future – she made a commitment to not access my computer again – , and finally there had to be a consequence. It is important to note that punishment never comes from a place of anger. It comes from a place of love. So I chose a punishment that would get her attention and be limited in its scope and one that would give her time to assess her behavior. Figging. She was required to go to the store and select a stem of ginger. Then she would come home, peel it and rough it up with a fork to make it juicy. Then she would present it to me and request that I insert it for her and then she tool a position kneeling on all fours as she repeated the request that I “place the ginger into her ass for 30 minutes so that she could contemplate her behavior.”

Afterwards we talked with her kneeling at my feet, and she tearfully expressed thankfulness that she was able to restore her Integrity. It was also the first time that she had ever been given a chance to restore her integrity and she was very relieved that we could let the situation go completely with her integrity restored.

Is corporal punishment ever legitimate as a routine way to interact with a submissive? Putting aside masochists who choose hard impact play as their preferred kink, there is one consideration where corporal punishment is legitimate in my mind. That is where a submissive has requested corporal punishment as motivation for achieving a difficult discipline. For example, I had a submissive request hard corporal punishment for failing to stay on course in the program I designed for her to improve her health and fitness, modify her diet and reduce her alcohol intake. In this situation she agreed that she would be on an escalating punishment schedule for each breach of agreement. Now keep in mind, we used the integrity model, so she had to deal with restoring her integrity as well, BUT each transgression escalated her punishment by 3 cane strokes. She was to present herself to be caned each week. Initially we started with 3 strokes. So she got 3 strokes the first week and the second week, but by the third week she started to revert to her old habits. So she got 6 strokes and when she failed to live up to her agreement, 9 and so on. The idea was that there would be a level of weekly punishment where she would choose to be her word rather than get additional punishment. In her case that number of strokes was 15. Being caned 15x by a sadist with a heavy cane on her bare unprepared bottom while counting out loud and holding her posture as she thanked me for each stroke was intense. She preferred not to have more punishment than that. She was caned and then, she was required to kneel before me to make a new agreement. As you can imagine, this was highly motivating for her. She would come to be punished each week in order to motivate her, and 15 strokes kept her on track for better health.

So, to summarize, training is a process without any negative input that is more akin to coaching. As a coach of a team sport, you would not berate your players for small errors of not understanding, you would teach them and coach them to perform. With a submissive, it’s the same thing, the difference is that you are seeking an intimate partner who you want to be all in. You are seeking complete alignment.

Be a coach.

Punishment is only warranted when agreements are broken and it’s important that the punishment fit the crime. A small break in integrity does not deserve the same punishment as a major transgression. But most important, there must be resolution. It is important that punishment does not result in resentment or space between you. Discipline using corporal punishment is a negotiated agreement. You are really being the accountability buddy by using corporal punishment to enforce agreements. Both the Dom and the sub must be on the same page. This is coaching at a very high level where in addition to the coaching guidance you offer your submissive, you are also responsible for her motivation and also for holding her accountable.

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Video: Submissive Training: Slave Positions

October 4, 2020 By Kinky Assignments 2 Comments

Submissive Training: slave positions. For Dominants and submissives in a BDSM relationship

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