dynamic

Topping From the Bottom: A New Perspective

April 12, 2017 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

There is a very popular expression in the world of D/s – “Topping from the bottom.” This means the submissive is trying to dictate what the Dominant will do. Bottom-topping is most prevalent in scening. For example, “I want you to paddle me tonight, but do not use the cane!” This approach is classic “topping from the bottom” both in substance and style. The substance is in specifying precisely what the submissive wishes the Dominant to do – paddling, no caning. But of equal import in any D/s relationship is the style. “May this slave respectfully request Master not to use the cane tonight in our scene” would have been a much more D/s-friendly way to make the same request. This gives the Master the option of acquiescing to his slave’s request while avoiding the agita from being “topped from the bottom.”

Often “bottom-topping” is a matter of degree. The use of “green/yellow/red” as safe words in a scene, if judiciously used, is not bottom-topping. But using these colors every few minutes to direct the Top is quite definitely “topping from the bottom.” (Which is why many responsible, advanced D/s couples eschew safe words. More on that in a later article.)

In my opinion, much of D/s is in the protocols. A slave should say “good evening, Master/Mistress” upon the Dominant’s return after work, not “Whassup, Bob/Anna.” Protocol is very important in all walks of life; and it is situation-dependent. Give your friend “the finger” when you are playing basketball, no problem; give the finger to a highway patrolman after he stops you for speeding, different result. Situational protocol is very important in life in general. “You’re stupid” spoken by a vanilla wife to her vanilla husband in a group discussion about politics would not raise any eyebrows; “you’re stupid” from a slave to her Master in a similar discussion at a BDSM party is unacceptable.

In a D/s relationship, a submissive must find a way to communicate needs and desires with the Dominant in such a way so as not to break protocol and not risk the dreaded “topping from the bottom.” In the first “Fifty Shades” movie, the novice “slave Anastasia” was bottom-topping to an inordinate degree. And though many of the “New Guard” Millennials entering the lifestyle do not get too bent out of shape when a hot submissive tops from the bottom, it does take away from the fun of being a Dom/me and a submissive.

I have stated in previous kinkweekly.com articles that when a Dom/me and a submissive first negotiate, the sub is a free agent and not anyone’s submissive. Still, the sub – either by being shy or being afraid of being too “toppy” – might be afraid to make his/her requests known. An effective way to get off on the right foot without stepping on the Dom/me’s toes is by offering him/her a “petition.” Basically, it is a proposal to the Dominant outlining what the sub or slave has to offer and what the sub or slave might want in return. This is not the same as negotiating a slave contract that was awkwardly shown in “Fifty Shades”; it is a good first step to get needs known and avoid bottom-topping. If the Dominant accepts the petition then negotiations as to the submissive’s specific service can begin in earnest.

Here is an actual “petition” from a slave emailed to her prospective Master. (I wonder who that could have been!)

Sir…

I want to respectfully request that you make me your slave, your cunt, your slut, your hole, to use as you see fit… I wish to give myself over to you, if you’ll have me, to belong to you, to be owned by you, to be used in every way you desire within the limits and play parameters we will discuss…. If you will claim me, I will obey your every whim, desire, or command, hoping only to please you…every part of me, body and soul, will be yours always.

With utmost humility,
(signed) slave

The petition could be more specific with respect to limits and other aspects, but this is an alternate way for a submissive to give the Dominant an insight to his/her feelings and needs within the proper D/s protocol.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Dom Wants to Submit

April 3, 2017 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

Often my articles are inspired by questions I receive regarding BDSM, D/s, relationships and all kinds of kink-related queries. (After all, this is KINK weekly!) One of the most intriguing questions I have been asked is the following one:

“If my sincere desire is to be completely dominated, and I have a dominant personality outside the playroom, can my fantasy truly ever become a reality?”

The answer is an unequivocal “yes!” In fact, when one examines the real life dynamics of dominance and submission, you will find that there is a lot of role reversal in this lifestyle. For example, many bigwig executives, who are among the most dominant, type-A individuals you can find, seek domination in their off-hours. Ask any pro-Domme and you will find that many of their clients are high-powered business types. This stems from the most human of needs – to reverse roles when in relaxation mode. The last thing many a captain of industry wants, after a week of non-stop decision-making, is to spend the weekend making more decisions. It can go deeper than that psychologically, but the overview is still one of role reversal. Conversely, there are pro-Dommes who, when they are not working in the dungeon, like nothing better than to be dominated. And this has little to do with switching; this is a situation where the dominant businessperson, for example, wants his play life to be as a submissive.

(I will not address the question of whether a Dom/me ordering a submissive to “spank me” is an act of dominance. I might tackle this in another column.)

Of course, there are men and women who are dominant in their profession and dominant in their relationship; there are submissive/submissive people, too. You are far from alone in your needs and your ability to fulfill them. The first step is to let things happen naturally. Let me explain. Since you wish to be completely dominated, you must look for a potential partner who stirs your submissive feelings. This could pose a problem as many will perceive you as a dominant and be skeptical of your need to submit to any degree. So it might take time for you to find a partner that dovetails into you submissive needs. “Complete domination,” as you put it, is a state that you gradually arrive at over time; you won’t get there right off the bat. But finding a Master/Mistress who stimulates the inner submissive within you is the first step toward that goal. If you have spent time with a skilled pro-Domme you will understand your needs – and limits — more deeply.

The second step is for you to acknowledge that you will never be able to shed all the domineering characteristics of your personality. A sensitive Master/Mistress will never ask you to do that. What you must find is a Dom/Domme whose control of you in the dungeon dovetails into your kinky needs while encouraging you to continue your day-to-day dominance. A wise Master/Mistress knows he/she can affect some behavior modification, but will never want to change you completely. Nor should he/she try to. When you look for your “dream Dom/Domme,” make sure he/she instinctively gives you “domineering latitude” – without it, it will not work.

The third step is to actually find your ideal Dominant – and the best way to find him/her is to be honest from the jump. Tell any potential Master/Mistress about your domineering personality. Don’t hide it; don’t play “perfect slave” as a way of enticing that person. Many people use this technique and it is doomed to failure.

The key is to find a Dominant – whether a pro Dom/me or a relationship Dom/me — who finds your “domineering personality” appealing, and is willing to accept and even encourage your “outside the dungeon” dominance. After all, it is always best to accept a partner “just the way he/she is.” If you truly enjoy exploring your submissive side after a hard week of being “domineering,” you will likely find a Master/Mistress who will work with you. After all, there is nothing a Dom/Domme likes better than a partner who really needs to be a dominated! And you seem to fit this mold to a “T.”

Maintaining Connection in a Power Exchange

March 5, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

When two people are in a power exchange dynamic, sometimes staying connected requires some creativity. These days most people are very busy. So what are some ways to maintain that feeling of connection and power exchange when vanilla life and schedules get in the way? Many of the ideas I lay out in this article can be used in different situations.

Let’s start with an example where both partners live with one another. Perhaps they are married, perhaps not. Maybe they have children. One or both of them work. If they share a home there are, for one, plenty of tasks that can be considered service. Household chores, meal preparation, keeping the kid’s schedules together, etc. Yet how can we step it up to another level of power exchange? Let’s assume for this example the s-type is home more and perhaps works part time while the D-type works a standard “9-5” job. Rather than the s-type simply folding and putting away the laundry, they fold the D-types clothes a certain way that the D-type prefers. Or perhaps they prepare something for when the D-type gets home – their favorite drink waiting next to their chair, a bath drawn, or a special “outfit” under their clothes in case the D-type feels frisky before dinner! (Maybe all three – who needs to eat? lol) If there are children at home then, of course, that needs to be considered.

Let’s then look at partners that don’t live together – with or without others. (Remember that whole poly thing?) Maybe both have demanding jobs with little time to do tasks. Here are some ideas. The night before, the D-type tells the s-type what style and/or color underwear to have on the next day. This may sound silly or trivial, however, every time that s-type uses the restroom – guess who they are going to think of? That’s right – their D-type. And the D-type knows that as well. Perhaps an addition to that is that the s-type sends a quick picture from their private stall – pic of the undergarment, a flash of skin or a sweet smile. Even if this only happens once or twice a day – that’s once or twice that both people feel connected to the other and the power exchange is reinforced.

Another idea – the D-type knows that the following day their s-type will be running errands. Their task is to wear a plug and “squeeze” at every red light. Or maybe at certain times throughout the day they must snap a pic of whatever they’re doing – with the purpose of going thru the pics the next time they are with their D-type and sharing what their day or week was like.

Remember – just because one or both of you are busy day to day, that doesn’t mean you can’t find small ways to stay connected and maintain your power exchange. You may need to get creative – and that part can be half the fun! Just don’t think you are less of an s-type simply because you aren’t available for your D-type 24/7. You are still there in your heart and as long as you make the effort, your D-type knows that.

There are a million more ideas – I have laid out some to get you started. I’d love to hear other ideas that you have used in your relationships!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

D-type and s-type Fluid

February 27, 2017 By Jenn Masri 5 Comments

So you may or may not have heard the term “gender fluid”. This refers to a person who may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders (male and female), but may feel more male some days, and more female other days.

This concept came up in one of my classes in a different way. We were discussing one student who knew she identified as an s-type, however, wasn’t really sure which “subcategory” she fit into. Slave, submissive, babygirl, pet, little, bottom, property, etc. I could relate to what she meant. I identify (personally) as an s-type – normally I will say submissive, yet I am sometimes more in the headspace of a babygirl or perhaps a pet. There are plenty of times I identify as a bottom – especially when I am doing a demo or acting as a practice bottom. I also fall under the category of “service Top” when teaching or doing an educational scene, however, I don’t consider myself a Dominant at all. For me the slave identifier has not been something I have identified with yet. I have several close friends that have told me they think I am “slave wired”, yet I continue to put up some resistance there. (Perhaps an issue for me to work through or perhaps just a matter of partnership) In any case, I can’t rule out many of the s-type subcategories because I may feel a combo of them or feel like I identify more like one or another from one day to the next or one moment to the next.
So during this class I named this “s-type fluid” or “s-fluid”.

I realized that this same concept probably applies to D-types as well. Maybe someone knows that they identify as Dominant, however, they occasionally act as a Top or are in the headspace of a “Daddy Dom” or “Mommy Dom” based on their partner or mood. I would imagine that identifying as a Master is something a Dominant would either feel like all the time or perhaps grow into with a partner. In any case, I think you can be “D-type Fluid” or “D-fluid” just like an s-type.

This concept doesn’t mean you are confused in any way – just like someone who identifies as gender fluid isn’t confused. It may just mean that you can flow from one subcategory to another based on headspace, partner, mood, or any other reason. By the way, this is different from identifying as a switch. A switch may be fluid in terms of being able to bottom or Top (or go between Dom and sub), however, s-type fluid and D-type fluid has nothing to do with switching. It means you identify as either a D-type or an s-type all the time, but that the subcategories of these identifiers can change.

So maybe if you, like me, know which side of the slash you are on, however, feel differently at different times – or if you are still exploring and seeing which subcategory “fits” you best – perhaps this idea of fluidity as applied to D/s identity is the best descriptor for you!
(Perhaps Fetlife needs to add this to their list of identifier options!) ☺

Subbie Snap

January 23, 2017 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

Up until now, we have concentrated on the broad principles that make relationships work. Communication, negotiation, limits and the like have been covered extensively. But what about the little, nagging things that can gnaw at the fabric of even the most solid Master/slave relationship? What are they? How can you avoid falling prey to them? Let’s start with one I call “subbie snap.” (This article is primarily aimed at Dom/mes and subs who are — or want to be — in a committed D/s relationship.)

In most D/s relationships, the broad principles of Dominance and submission are pretty obvious. So, when the Dom/Domme asks the submissive to “make coffee,” for example, neither really gives it a second thought. Compared to tying your submissive to a cross and flogging him/her within an inch of her/his safeword, this is no big deal. Or is it? Well it can be.

The “big commands” – like pushing limits in a public scene – happen only occasionally. But the “little orders” can be an everyday occurrence. The danger in these “little commands” is that the submissive is reluctant to object to them no matter how annoying they might be.

For example, let’s say that every time the submissive opens up a can of Coca-Cola for her/himself, the Master/Mistress seizes the can and takes a big gulp out of it, almost finishing it. In a vanilla relationship, the partner can just say, “Next time get your own friggin’ soda.” In a Master/slave relationship, no matter how much this habit gets on the slave’s nerves, he/she would just accede to this demand and make no mention of it. Over time, this can build up from a minor annoyance to a major resentment. If there are too many of these little unresolved annoyances, it can add up to an overall feeling of frustration. In the worst case scenario, left unchecked, this can cause what I call “subbie snap.” This is where the submissive “loses it” and tells the Master/Mistress off. Little frustrations, added up over time, can turn into one big frustration that can threaten the whole D/s dynamic of the relationship.

The problem here is that most submissives won’t mention these little things to the Dominant. While he/she might mention a major problem, there can be a reluctance to seem “un-slavelike” when it comes to these tiny, seemingly unimportant, irritations. What to do?

From the Dominant side, a keener sense of observation might be called for. When in a scene, a given Dominant might be the most observant person on the planet. But when in garden-variety life interactions, this same Dominant can be as thick as a brick. Thus, the Dom/me must make a special effort to keenly observe the submissive’s demeanor on a regular basis. The Dominant should look to see if the slave is making those “little faces” when responding to small requests. If it is not an important demand, you — the Dom/me — might want to request it less often. On the other hand, it might be a tip-off that the whole Master/slave dynamic is going off kilter. In this case, the “C word” – communication – comes to the rescue. It might be time to address it before it becomes a bigger problem; taking care of business early can prevent a major case of “subbie snap.”

From the submissive’s point of view, don’t suffer in silence. Not wanting him hogging your Coca-Cola might not seem a big enough deal to risk looking un-slavelike – but it can be. If your Master has some annoying habits that make you squirm, don’t be afraid to mention it. There is nothing unusual about being a good slave in all regards but having a few minor things you simply loathe doing. Small frustrations are easy to nip in the bud – before they become big frustrations. On the other hand, if your actions are a symptom of a bigger problem, it is incumbent on you to tell your Dominant. What is to be gained by hiding it? In the long run, by not confronting it, you might ruin your relationship. Here, again, communication is essential. Remember, if your Dominant does not observe the problem, then you must tell him/her. Your Master/Mistress might be many things, but a mind reader is probably not one of them. And if he/she is not good at reading the little signs I have been pointing out, then you must advise him/her about what is causing you grief.

At the end of the day, both parties should be fulfilled in a Master/slave relationship. And avoiding “subbie snap,” even at the risk of breaking of your particular protocol, is one way to insure that.

High Protocol: Part Two

December 5, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

Before you read this article, I suggest (or, in a more Domly way, insist) that you read last week’s kinkweekly.com prequel, “High Protocol, Part One.” To quickly recap. High protocol Master/slave relationships are not for everyone; they are, in fact, quite rare. And, in my opinion, they are not, in and of themselves, any higher on the BDSM food chain than any other style BDSM union; you don’t get BDSM “props” for being a high-protocol Dom or sub. High protocol is not a goal; you don’t progress from low to high protocol. It is not like going from junior to senior in high school; high protocol is simply another type of D/s relationship.

For most couples, high protocol works best for short periods of time, as in a scene or even for weekends; taking it 24/7 is usually far too energy-draining to be a way of life in our world of jobs, stress and kids. High protocol, 24/7 style, is only for those who truly crave and need it – for both the Dom and the sub alike. (It will likely fail if one is really into it and one is not.)

That said, we will attempt to list the classic (and even mythical!) high D/s protocols. Thus, you can pick and choose those protocols you like – even if you are in a low protocol relationship. As the saying goes, “Different BDSM strokes for different folks.” (Funny how the word “strokes” works so well in this paraphrased axiom.) So, without further adieu, here is the list.

IN PRIVATE

1. You must always address Master as Master, Sir or some other designated title, and do so in every sentence.
2. Upon returning from work, slave must kneel and greet Master in ritual designated by Master. If Master is out and returns home, slave still performs the greeting ritual.
3. Slave must be aware of the position training and will be expected to perform them at any time. (Note: Position training – teaching the submissive to assume a set of kneeling or standing poses, in response to the Master’s voice commands.)
4. A slave is always naked (or some designated dress) in Master’s House.
5. You must ask permission to leave the room, or use the bathroom.
6. You may not sit on the furniture without permission.
7. You must respectfully ask permission to speak.
8. If slave needs to ask questions, he/she must ask permission to speak, as in, “Sir, I have a question,” or, “May I speak freely, Sir?”
9. Whenever you have no duties to perform, or need instruction, you assume the kneeling position at your Master’s feet and wait quietly for his attention.
10. Arms are never allowed to be crossed over the body when in the presence of the Master unless it is his/her request.
11. You may not have an orgasm without permission, and may only play with yourself with permission.
12. When you make a mistake or misbehave, you may not wait until Master notices, but must immediately inform Him and gracefully accept correction.
13. You may not interrupt your Master except in an emergency.
14. The slave must prepare body for bed by bathing and then preparing the bed for the dominant.
15. Slave must present his/her body for a nightly inspection.
16. Slave must kneel and ask permission to enter the Master’s bed
17. When you are in Master’s House, you may eat and drink only from Master’s hand.
18. The submissive must learn how to serve coffee, tea or other drinks in a serving ritual specified by the Master.
19. Upon a signal from Master, the slave presents himself/herself in a manner specified by the Master for the preliminaries of sexual intimacy.

IN PUBLIC

1. A slave is not permitted to draw undue attention by excessive body movements such as tossing the head or hair, shifting positions while kneeling, moving hands or feet or, in general, doing anything that is distracting.
2. All movements are expected to be as graceful as possible or as trained by Master.
3. Lips are to be kept slightly parted and relaxed.
4. The back is always kept straight.
5. Whenever the slave is using your hands, he/she must keep them behind his/her back; when standing still, legs are parted. This is to be done unobtrusively – don’t alarm the vanilla world.
6. You walk slightly behind Master.
7. Slave does not make eye contact with any Dominant other than their Master.
8. You wait for his attention to speak.
9. In a restaurant, Master orders your meals.
10. You must discreetly ask permission to begin eating, and you may never start eating until your Master does.
11. You address Him as Sir whenever there are no other vanilla people around.
12. When having dinner with other lifestylers, slave will serve Master and guests as taught, then clear the table and serve coffee, tea or dessert as instructed. Afterward, slave sits on the floor at his feet.

As I have stated many times, pick and choose those listed protocols you want discard the rest. Or, invent your own or use some that have been omitted. For example, I use less than half of the above protocols in my relationship. So, my best advice is to use those that work for you and eliminate those that don’t.

Pillow Princess Dom

November 21, 2016 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

So I was having a conversation a while back with a friend of mine. If you know me personally, you know my memory sucks and I can’t remember the details of the conversation. However, what I do remember is that, for whatever reason, the way she was describing a Dom caused me to blurt out, “He’s a pillow princess Dom!” I then had to explain what a “pillow princess” was. If you haven’t heard this term before – here is the Urban Dictionary definition:

Pillow Princess: A woman, usually in a curious/bisexual context, who wants to experience pleasure from oral sex, but who is unwilling to reciprocate. Jane: All Jill ever does when we have sex is just lay back and have me do all the work.

So now you may be wondering how I applied this to a Dominant (and in the example my friend gave – a MALE Dom). Basically I am referring to a Dominant who thinks of power exchange as a one-way gift from the submissive. (fyi – for the purpose of this article I am using Dom to refer to any gender identity)

I think sometimes new D-types walk in to the scene and expect (either thru false media or false assumptions) that as a Dom they don’t have to do anything except tell subs what to do. Here’s the thing. I can understand that fantasy. Sit on your figurative throne, have a sub at your feet, massaging them, unless of course they are busy preparing you food, cleaning your house, and running your errands. Instinctively knowing what you need and how you prefer everything to be done. All the while you spend your time living your life the way you wish – outside of your job you simply sit back and watch tv or play video games while your sub frantically takes care of everything else.
While that may be a lovely fantasy, it’s just that, a fantasy. You will be hard pressed to find a sub who would last long in this scenario without getting anything in return. There is a reason it’s called power EXCHANGE. A D/s dynamic takes both partners giving to the other. They may be giving different things, but it’s never a one way street. Even in the example of a very simple domestic service type of dynamic – a sub cleans for a Dom with no expectation of sex, play, or payment. At the very least (in my opinion) there should at least be appreciation expressed from the Dom. Using protocols as another example – you can’t just give a bunch of protocols to your sub and expect them to happen. If you give so many that you can’t remember them and your sub forgets, you don’t reprimand, the protocol may disappear. It takes both parties to nurture the dynamic. We are all humans first. No matter how we identify or what fetishes we love, we are human beings first. So if you are someone I would consider a “pillow princess dom” you may want to reconsider. It may work for a little while, or for short spurts of roleplay with a long term partner, but eventually if you don’t participate in the exchange you will go thru subs like a Kardashian goes thru shoes.

Behavior Modification

November 15, 2016 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

There is a belief that skillful Dominance can affect major behavior modifications in a submissive. (The most famous illustration of this idea is when “Christian The Helicopter Dom” in Fifty Shades walks into a hardware store and thinks he can make a random cashier into his slave.) The crux of this theory is, that by using a combination of positive and negative reinforcements, the Master/Mistress can shape the slave to his/her own specifications. It is a romantic notion and a very appealing one at that. There is no doubt that the Dominant can train a submissive to please him with great specificity. However, there is a big difference between training a slave to orally service you in a required manner and radically modifying her/his behavior. A good Dominant can sense those areas that are immune to change. For example, if your slave is very jealous, it is unlikely that you can totally eliminate it. You might be able to minimize jealousy; it’s unlikely you can get rid of it.

It is much like the demonstration hypnotists give before they start the induction. They ask the subject to touch his nose, clench his fist and then jump out the window (or some such act of insanity.) The subject typically honors the first two requests but refuses to attempt the third. It is then explained that in hypnosis you will only do things you want to do. Thus, one cannot be hypnotized into killing someone. Similarly, the submissive will only modify behavior that he/she truly wants – consciously or subconsciously — to change. Using our jealousy example, unless eliminating it is a deeply held need of the submissive, no amount of “training” will eradicate it. It is with this concept in mind that I offer ten tips that will help you accomplish a reasonable amount of behavioral modification.

• Try to match protocols. Often a high-protocol Dominant will try to convert a low-protocol submissive. Unless the sub truly craves high-protocol, it is better to lower your protocol requirements or find a high-protocol slave. Otherwise, it will be less a case of your skill as a Dominant and more a case tilting at windmills!

• Don’t rely on punishment alone. Punishment is most effective when used in conjunction with reward. Punishment is often a failed strategy when it is employed exclusively. Adults respond best to a combination of the two. A Dominant who uses only punishment is using only half of his arsenal.

• Make punishment and reward consistent. If you want to have even half a chance of modifying your sub’s behavior, be consistent. The Dominant, much like a parent, should strive to make all rewards and punishments consistent.

• All punishments should be administered in a calm manner. The Dom who loses his temper and punishes out of rage will lose his submissive’s respect. And maybe his submissive too!

• Understand your submissive. If you accept the premise that there is a limited range to behavior modification, you should understand your submissives deepest needs and limits. A failed attempt at behavior modification can ruin the Dominant’s confidence and can arouse disrespect in the submissive. Thus, failure is usually not an option. Understand what is do-able and what is not.

• When you punish, punish. There is only one type of punishment that consistently modifies behavior – consistent and immediate punishment. It does not have to be particularly painful; it can be simple disapproval. But it is these two aspects that make it so effective. Being relatively immediate is especially important. Don’t wait a day or two to punish. And try to make the punishment fit the crime!

• When you reward, reward. Similarly, reward must be consistent, immediate and in proportion to the action you find commendable.

• Be fair. Although the Dominant is the “Captain of the ship,” one should not abuse this power. If the Dominant acts like the evil Captain Bligh, he/she might have a mutiny on his/her hands. And never use a hard limit as a punishment.

• Explain. From time to time you should explain “the method in your madness,” and should clarify why the submissive is being rewarded or punished. This will expand the trust factor that is so important in Dom/sub relationships.

• Rome wasn’t built in a day. No matter what your aim, even minor behavior modification can take time. Patience is a virtue. You don’t have to do it all at once.

If you keep your behavior modification aims consistent with what you can reasonably expect from your submissive, and then push the sub’s soft limits in a sensible manner, you will be able to train your slave to a very fulfilling level. Remember, this is real life; it is not some online or movie fantasy. Don’t attempt the impossible, no matter how appealing it seems.

Video: Bound

October 31, 2016 By Matt Rose 5 Comments

Bound from Matt Rose

I was personally touched by the narrative on this video. I believe the speaker perfectly articulates what submission is to a lot of people. Perhaps you can relate to him as well. -anniebear

Opinion: How S-types See Their Dominan Deeply

October 31, 2016 By Mistress Sky 2 Comments

It is my experience that my submissives relate to me on several different levels all at once. In this article I’d like to play with the possibility that there are five identifiable levels. Their way of looking at their dom(me) and breathing your greatness can be thought of as falling into five categories. These groupings start at a barely human, earthy level and escalate to a spiritual high, landing you and your S-type at again a barely human level but this time up in the clouds.

I am a domme of twelve years experience. My submissive male partner and I have been together for seven years and counting. I am polyamorous and have had other relationships. As Mistress, my kink life has included temporary subs plus relationships with males and females. This is the context in which I bring you one of my deeper thoughts for your consideration.

Now, I need to say that there is no judgment about any level. These are happening with great overlap. On an everyday basis, three or four levels may be operating at once. It’s never five at once, however, since the highest and the lowest cancel each other out.

Remember, these are my ruminations about how S-types view their particular D-type and not D’s in general.

The S-type is making a one-to-one correlation in their imagination but more than that in their subconscious about what a dominant has to be. A character trait or physical trait is being associated with what it means to be dominant. For the most part the submissive or slave has no idea that they are doing this. The Inner Self needs what it needs. It goes looking for what it needs. A S-type that deeply needs a very large bodied dominant is never, ever going to take a skinny-bodied person seriously as their dominant. This is not a conscious choice.

What are these levels?:
1. At the top is a demi-god reverence.
2. Just below it is a best self.
3. An everyday self.
4. An everyday self.
5. At the bottom is a reverence for something base and earthy.

Demi-god means that a dominant is a representative for god or gods. The submissive or slave is making his dominant a stand in for their religious or spiritual practices. The S-type is not considering the Master or Mistress or Owner as the literal human who stands before them. That serves a great need for the S. Service is the point. But service at this level is a momentary thing and the S is grateful to get a glimpse at this higher self for themselves. They are the ones who are lifted higher. I know a couple who swear that in these moments she lifts him, too.

Best Self level is you or me cleaned up and presentable and more than either of us can hold at every moment. We can pull this one out if we need to though. The S-type has certainly seen this one repeatedly.

Everyday Self. Well, this one has two levels because comparatively one is shiny’r than the other. Let’s say this one is you or me before we have gotten that first cup of coffee in the morning and the other is one of us after the caffeine has kicked in. The S-type sees their dominant most strongly and that’s the point.

The Bottom level is really the bottom. It probably is not you or me. It is less than we can put out on an everyday basis. However, I have known a couple that seemed to like to hover around the earthy level as often as possible. The female dominant told me that she enjoyed gardening. Her slave male liked to catch her before she’d taken a shower. The smelly, naturalness drove him wild, literally. He was triggered into his animal persona. He met her on all fours as she entered the house and would not let her ignore him. She had special chains and cuffs on the bed for restraining him. Neither thought that the base reverence of his Mistress was a bad thing. This could also be the dominant who has not had much sleep or for any other reason really does not have themselves together temporarily and their S-type is particularly drawn to them right then. I’m thinking of myself at the airport after many hours of flight. I was lucky to have a slave who was eager to serve by getting my bags and driving us home and tucking me into bed.

What is the importance of thinking in levels to the submissive or slave? Well, there’s the S-type who is looking for their dominant. It’s good to know what the strongest attraction is for them. What if a brainy intellectual dominant does it for them? That information should be the strongest lead as they search. If a particular body type rings their Inner Voice then lead with that. Other traits can be secondary. Once the S-type has their desired dominant then, in my opinion, it is good to understand the dynamic between them. Instead of a mysterious, wondrous something that draws you to me you’ll know why. For instance, it is better to know that the highest level can only happen in momentary events. Your appreciation of those moments and of me will be greater.

What is the importance of levels to the dominant? How might this way of thinking make the D a better D? Might there be better care of the S? The D is experienced at using everything that presents itself in making the power dynamic sing. If the S is particularly excited by the body type or the spiritual persona or the deep voice of the dominant then the D can play with that aspect. They can make it more enhanced and draw the S to them tightly or knowingly reduce the attraction. The D really should remember that the S has a great desire for the highest levels so offer your S those special moments—the D/s or M/s moment of circulated dominant and submissive energy and true intimacy—so that they get there. If your S gets there through the base level then have at it.

The goals for the couple get played out in whatever form of power dynamic the couple has established, which has at its core some unique attractants like the S being drawn powerfully to his/her master/mistress.

Mistress Sky is a tantra practitioner, bondage queen, and hypnotist. Professionally, Sky is a life positive counselor for alternative lifestyles at Gates Counseling. She gives presentations and workshops and writes about Unequal Partnership, the dominance/submission model that she developed over the last ten years.

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