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D/s Protocols

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Being a kinkster is as unique as a random dot on a page. What do I mean by that? If you think of the world of kink as represented by a sheet of paper. On one axis you have the range of fetishes and on the  other axis you have the range of intensities. If I look at my world of kink, the fetishes I am into and you  look at the intensity level of my kink life, you will be able to put a coin about the size of a silver dollar  over my preferences somewhere on the page.  

Take protocols. In simple terms, a protocol is defined as “a system of rules that explain the correct  conduct and procedures to be followed in formal situations” I am not motivated to have my submissive  do tasks for the sake of doing tasks. And at the same time, our life, in a 24/7 TPE dynamic, we have a  number of protocols in our life. Some are simple, for example, when my submissive goes off to work,  she wears a butt plug as a way of keeping me with her, and she is required to send me a good morning  message with a picture of her ass, butt plug inserted. This is especially true for us after marking her, she  is required to send me pictures of her marks every day. That is a protocol. Something I have asked her to  do for me as a matter of routine. I never have to ask her to send me a picture of her marks, our protocol is  that she just does so after being marked as a matter of protocol. And she sends me a message via  WeMinder (which I will talk more about in a minute) that she completed her task or duty.  

There are other Dom’s who have similar but different protocols that they have designed for their  preferred lifestyle. I interviewed a Dom who has his sub wash him in the shower and then she kneels  with his towel presented to him as he steps out of the shower. It is a simple gesture of submission, and  similarly to my sub, his sub does so as a matter of protocol without being asked.  

Some dynamics are extremely high protocol. To the point that the sub has to have permission to do  anything, including go to the bathroom. The degree of how intense the protocol dynamics are depend  on the needs of the partners and they must determine what works for them.  

Even though my submissive is collared, and even though this is TPE and a 24/7 dynamic, we actually  have numerous protocols that we have chosen to live with. Before I say more about that, I want to talk  about an app called WeMinder. This is an app that we use to track the protocols we have in play. We  interviewed Mako, the developer of the app on our podcast, Kinky Cocktail Hour, that you can listen to here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/episodes/6206590.

Using this app, my submissive logs her  tasks and chores as she completes them, and it allows me to offer her feedback from praise to scolding,  and even punishment. She can also share her mood with me at any time and know instantly that I am  aware of how she is feeling. It’s a fantastic app for D/s couples who are protocol oriented. You can get  the app by visiting weminder.app and I recommend it highly and it’s very reasonably priced.  

When we engage in what we call “High Protocol” days, my submissive prepares for use the way she  normally does, she is a three hole slut and she is fully prepared for a prolonged scene. When she kneels for me, which is how she presents herself to be used, she offers up a cane for marking. Normally she  offers me her leash to attach to her collar, but in high protocol days, she gets chained with a heavy chain  before she is used and marked. During high protocol days, she is limited to being on all fours during play  and she is required to ask for cane strokes after her initial marking.  

Her tasks and chores are both designed to fulfill on her role as a service slut on one hand and on her  sexual submission inside of a sex forward, kink forward dynamic. Our daily maintenance spanking scene is a protocol. When I get into bed in the evening, she puts her head on my chest and cups my balls while  we talk about our day and the final act of our dynamic that lives in the world of protocol is that when it’s  time, she rolls over and we spoon and I take hold her breast, holding her close as we fall asleep. My  point is that start to finish, our days are filled with protocols. We divide the protocols into two broad  categories: Tasks and Chores. Tasks are things I might randomly task her with doing and that might be as  different as having her masturbate with the Hitachi every 30 minutes, or to do certain routine things for  me such as sending me a picture of her marks. Chores related to her duties around the house.  

Protocols live in the world of agreements. On one hand they are designed to give structure to the  dynamic and on the other, they are a natural evolution of a power exchange. My preference is to have  the protocols occur because they fulfill her desires, so to implement a new protocol, we talk about it  first, and I enroll her in the possibility that the protocol creates and then she does what I have requested  but she does so because it is what she wants to do.  

There is a very wide range of protocol implementation strategies in kink. It can be a very minor part of  your dynamic if that is what you prefer, or it can be the entirety of your dynamic if that is what you  prefer. I am going to make the observation that even in vanilla relationships there are protocols. For  instance when I was married, my ex-wife used to bring me coffee on a Sunday morning while I watched  soccer in bed. I came to expect this and it occurred routinely for years. I never asked her to do this, she  just started doing this small thing for me that made our lives more manageable. The way that that small  act occurred was that it was a loving action that made me feel appreciated even for just that moment. It  was indeed a protocol that existed during my vanilla marriage. My point is that spoken or unspoken we  operate with protocols all around us, the difference is that in a kink context, communication is the key  difference. A protocol is an agreement to do x or y, which requires that the Dom and sub are in  communication.  

Being in a dynamic is a power exchange. The sub surrenders his or her power to their Dom and then it is  up to the Dom to exercise that power appropriately. The sub wants to please. It is through protocols  that the Dom communicates to the sub what is expected and required for that behavior to land as  “pleasing” to the Dom. The sub knows where they stand. They know what is needed and expected. If  they are committed to the dynamic, then they will fulfill the protocols. If there is space or distance  and the protocols start to break down, then it gives the Dom something to address to get at the root of the upset.  

I keep making this point: our kink is really communication. We talk about our dynamic almost every day.  We plan, revisit, debrief, dream, vision share, and so on. The reason our protocols are in place is  because we have made a series of agreements around our dynamic.  

A good place to start is to sit down facing each other and do this drill. One partner asks the other partner  what they want done to them and then asks what they want to do to you, and then switch roles. Take  notes and then use those notes to talk about each of those ideas and make agreements about those  that make sense to you to implement into your dynamic.  

A D/s power exchange works best for all concerned when the communication is clean. We have a  commitment to each other to allow no space between us. We are each responsible for keeping that  structure in our dynamic and we have found, as will you, that the use of protocols keeps the dynamic humming along.

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground 

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Introducing WeMinder – Kinky Cocktail Hour
In this episode, Lady Petra and SafferMaster chat with Mako, the developer of a new killer app for kinksters called “WeMinder” that enhances communication on both sides of the slash in any D/s dynamic. Over an Elderflower Martini. You can find the…
Buzzsprout

Above is a link to their podcast!

The Use Of Signals in Public

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

A while back, I published an essay called “Keeping your Dynamics Under Wraps”. In it, I discussed a  number of techniques for maintaining and executing your power dynamic – without it being apparent to  people around you (kids, relatives, co-workers, etc.). 

One of the techniques, which has recently spurred some interest, is the use of furtive signals to improve  communications without arousing awareness. I felt it would be good to dive in a bit deeper this week. 

The first key point is really an observation: The most effective means of keeping communications  private, is misdirection. In this case, giving the impression that the idea for someone’s actions was their  own. If it’s done well in a D/s context, it seems that the submissive partner thought up the action themselves, when, in reality, they were actually RESPONDING to impetus from the dominant partner. The dominant gets what they want, but it appears to be the submissive’s initiative. 

Why is that important? We are setting up this non-verbal communication system so that a dominant can  direct a submissive without it appearing that the submissive is following directives. When we see  someone volunteer to do something, apparently without provocation, we assume that the person is  doing it out of the goodness of their heart; that they are just a “really good guy”, “a doting partner”, or  “someone who really likes to help”. We accept almost anything that way. 

Most people with power dynamics will establish protocol and routine ahead of meeting with others outside of their dynamic. They will establish “rules of behavior” that are to be followed without any  need for prompting. These are terrific, but tend to be a bit inflexible. When a situation arises that wasn’t anticipated, the routines can break down and the communications can falter. This is where having a set  of signals can be of service. The idea is to covertly handle exceptions to the routines that were  previously established, through the use of non-verbal communications. 

Some basic rules 

There are a few rules you will want to follow to make this effective and clandestine: 

– Eye contact during a signal is usually a BAD thing. Others can see an increase in intensity, or a  “call to focus” when you attempt to communicate with your eyes. Even if there is a signal in  play, many people will either look at the signal, or look at the submissive – to either emphasize  the signal or gain confirmation that the signal was received. This is usually a give-away: Others  see that connection, realize that something out of the ordinary has occurred, and put two-and two together when the submissive partner suddenly gets an idea to do something “helpful”  

– Deliberately looking away is not good either: Keep the signal natural and don’t change your  focus because you’re using one. If you’re looking forward, keep looking forward. Don’t stare or  remain stagnant. Just be loose and natural 

– Signals need to be hiding in plain sight. They can’t be something that the sub needs to search  for…yet, it can’t be something unnatural that calls attention. Things dealing with objects around 

you will work well – like resting a hand on a table or a chair. Stretching, scratching one’s nose,  touching an earring – these are all very prominent, but natural motions that can be used – The signals will rely on the submissive partner’s dedication to observation. It is the onus of the  submissive partner to be looking for the signals. If they’re missed, it’s on the submissive – Allow time to pass between signal and action. Immediate reaction to a signal can be a give away, particularly if a lot of signaling is going on. Eventually, those around you will notice that  when the dominant moves, the submissive reacts. It’s far more clandestine if there is a  disconnect in time between the signal and the action. It doesn’t have to be long, just a moment  to disassociate the actions 

Ways to make it work 

Here are some easy ways to make this work: 

– Make signals the exception to submissive behavior routines. In other words, the submissive  partner is ALWAYS looking for ways to serve as usual. The normal course of events will continue  with the routines and protocols in play. Use of the signal is for something outside of that normal  behavior. It could be a request for non-submissive behavior – or it could be a request for a  specific, predetermined action. A good signal will not mean “Obey Me Immediately”; for that is  likely a given…however, a good signal might say, “I want your honest answer, not the one you  think I want to hear from my submissive” 

– Establish a feedback loop. It’s helpful to establish a return signal for the submissive partner to  use that communicates back: “aye-aye” (which, btw, originated as ‘I hear and I obey”). It  informs the dominant that the submissive partner has received the signal and is ready to act on  it – even if that action doesn’t happen immediately. This allows the dominant to stop signaling,  knowing that the message has been received, and then be focused elsewhere when the  submissive partner suddenly gets the idea to do something. My hubby and I use a touch of his  eye to indicate that a signal has been received. People rub their eyes all the time. I signal; he  touches his eye; communication completed

– Check in with me: I recommend that you always have a signal that means, “Check in with me”.  It’s impossible to predict every situation you might encounter and build signals around that.  There will be times when only verbal communication will do. The “check in with me”-signal tells  the submissive partner to take the initiative to see if there’s something the dominant partner  wants or needs. It tells them to observe, or perhaps enquire as to what is needed 

– Keep it simple: Make the signals natural gestures. It’s better to have a missed signal than to  have a submissive need to noticeably look for, or interpret a signal. Plus, you don’t want to have  to exaggerate a signal to have it seen. You want to know that, as long as the submissive is paying  attention (which they are on point to do), they will see the signal 

– Avoid “counting”: This one is almost funny…but I’ve seen it. “If I tap on my wrist 3 times, it  means ask me if I want a drink; twice ask me if I’m hungry”. Fundamentally, don’t do this! Everyone in the room is going to zone in on your tapping – not because you’re tapping, but  because the submissive partner will be focused on counting. It forces the sub to stare – and that  needs to be avoided. It’s surprising that, although this seems obvious, many people do it 

– Keep the repertoire small: Strive to establish the fewest number of signals you can. Pick general  meanings that can be interpreted based on the situation. Use them to initiate actions (like checking in) that open the door to natural conversations. Use them to bring general attention to  the dominant, who can then help the submissive partner determine what needs to be done.  – Practice, practice, practice. Try it with small things. Drop signals when the submissive is busy.  The submissive needs to learn how to be alert and observant. When they see the signal, have them say it out loud (when you’re practicing). If you have friends who are aware of your  dynamic, practice in front of them – If they don’t see the signals, even though they’re tuned in,  people who are not tuned in will never be the wiser 

With my submissive, I only have four signals: 

1) “I want your real opinion”: Under normal circumstances, his aim is to make me happy, so, if I  said, “Do you want to go out for Italian food tonight?” and didn’t give the signal, he would  interpret it as, “We’re going out for Italian tonight…and I’m giving you the opportunity to at  least LOOK LIKE you have a choice” and his answer will always be, “Yes, Italian sounds  perfect!“…but if I give him the signal for his real opinion, he is free to suggest something else. He  might respond, “Italian sounds great, or maybe Indian?” The “Real Opinion” signal is very  valuable with unknowing folks around 

2) “You’re missing something you should be doing”: He knows that he had better stop and figure  this one out fast. I’m not necessarily telling him what he’s missing, but I’m alerting him to the  fact that something is up. For us, the signal is me playing with my earring. Usually with a little  thought, he can figure out what I want pretty quickly, but when he can’t, he enquires. He has said things like, “Are you OK honey? You look like you’re thinking of something. You have the  habit of playing with your earring when something is bothering you…is there anything I can do?”  Which just makes him seem like the PERFECT husband; observant and tuned into his wife. Then I  can choose to either give him subtle direction at that point, or take him to a private spot where I  can give him more direct instruction – or, if I want him to figure it out, I can just respond that  nothing is wrong. Regardless, others need not know what’s going on – and it looks like he’s  initiating the interaction and just being a doting husband 

3) “Stop talking, stop arguing, get in line…obey!”: Which has that intended effect! It’s the  equivalent of saying, ‘submissives are meant to be seen not heard”…and he will quickly blend  into the background 

4) Lastly, we have his favorite signal, which says, “You’re in for a treat tonight”… which means I’m  thinking of wickedly evil things to do to him when we get alone. This one will always get a rise out of him 🙂 

Dominance and submission are between the ears of the unique couple. What you say and what you do  is far less important than the understood intent of what you say and what you do. When you’re both on  the same page, people around you can be completely unaware that your dynamic is in full-force.  Predefined routines and protocols help you to maintain your dynamic when you don’t want those  around you to be aware of it. Establishing a small set of private, clandestine signals will allow you to  adjust those routines to the realities around you: Handling situations that you have not predicted and  adapting to real-time changes in your mood and preferences. Try them out! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Learning to Orgasm On Command

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Today, I’m going to go over a technique that I’ve been teaching for many years. Those who have read my books will likely recognize it. The technique is designed to help a submissive learn how to come on  command. This is not some mystical, mind-washing, magic trick; it’s a methodology that helps a sub get  in better touch with their body’s orgasm cycle, so that they can control it well enough to orgasm at a  particular moment.  

The Methodology 

The methodology requires a partner, who ends up being in control of the eventual orgasm. Logically,  the dominant will play this role – but I suppose it doesn’t have to be the dominant. For argument’s sake,  and since most people reading this essay are in (or want to be in) power-based relationships, I’m going  to assume it’s the dominant helping the sub learn to orgasm on command. 

The goal is to achieve orgasm on a countdown. The dominant will count from a chosen number and the  sub will reach orgasm EXACTLY as the dominant reaches zero. Over time and familiarity, the starting  number is decreased, until the sub’s required preparation time is minimized. The final goal will depend  on the physical capabilities of the submissive, but most everyone I’ve tried this with was able to achieve  some level of countdown “perfection.”

The process starts with the submissive stimulating themselves. We do this because it gives the  submissive control of the pace and pressure of stimulation. It will be easiest, in the beginning for the  sub to be thoroughly excited and even teased to some degree before you start. You want the sub to be  able to orgasm relatively easily. In the beginning, the dominant can even ask the sub if they’re ready to  start the process.  

We start with a very aroused submissive who is stimulating themselves, relatively close to orgasm: 

The dominant picks a number; something like 20; and begins to steadily count down to zero. The count  should be evenly paced, and reasonably slow. The goal for the submissive is to start to come when the  dominant says “zero” – not before zero; not 15 seconds after zero; but starting to orgasm AT zero. 

As the dominant is counting, the sub regulates themselves towards their orgasm. If the sub feels  themself approaching orgasm too soon, they need to stop stimulation, so that they don’t come – while  the dominant continues to count at the same, steady, pace. The sub then tries to pick up again to  attempt to still come at zero.  

If the sub does not begin to orgasm as the dominant reaches zero, the sub has to stop stimulation,  immediately. The sub’s objective isn’t to come before zero or after zero, the orgasm has to be starting AT zero – if not, stop. 

If the sub doesn’t come at zero, the dominant lets the sub calm down a little and then decides if they’re going to get another chance right away, or not. This is completely at the dominant’s discretion (another  reason why this works nicely for a power dynamic). If the dominant decides not to try again right away, 

the sub will get another chance at another time – but, for this technique to work best, the sub must not  be allowed to orgasm in between attempts. The key here is that the sub either makes it, or waits until  they eventually do.  

The next time the technique is tried, the dominant can start at the same number – or, if they feel that  the starting number was too low, a higher number. The goal is not to frustrate the sub (that will come  later ), the objective is to help the sub make this work. We want the sub to learn their orgasm cycle. 

Eventually, the sub will learn the feel of their orgasm and figure out how to get to a point and hold off  going too far. They will determine how long it takes to get from that holding point to orgasm – which will  become the point in the countdown where they’ll really start to approach orgasm. Every sub will be  different. For my husband, that magic number is 4. He knows that he can hit a holding point and then,  when I get down to 4 in my count, he switches his mindset and can achieve perfect timing. 

Once, does not perfection make. Once the sub gets this right, do it again and again. They will get pretty  good at it, eventually. Once they start to be consistently able to hit zero from a particular number, the  dominant can start at a lower number, 15, 10, or any number down to the sub’s hold point. You may not  make it a couple of times before the process works at a lower number – but the hold point will be the  same and so the sub will find themselves able to achieve shorter countdowns very quickly. 

Once consistently on time while the sub is stimulating themselves, switch to the dominant doing the  stimulation. This opens a whole different situation for the submissive, because they have less control of  the intensity of the stimulation. They also need to communicate to tell the dominant to stop stimulation in the event that they are approaching orgasm too soon – or request for more stimulation if they’re not  quite in position (which opens the door for some interesting “tease and beg” scenarios).  

I have found that, if the sub is well-controlled at self-stimulation, they will adapt to being stimulated  very quickly; much sooner than you may think.  

Once the sub has mastered control while being stimulated, you can extend the technique to all types of  stimulation – including intercourse. 

The Benefits 

There are a number of benefits to having a submissive who can control the timing of their orgasm. First  of all, having so much awareness of their orgasm cycle allows them to last longer as well as not take too  long. These will make them better lovers. It will allow them to spend more focus on their dominant’s pleasure and time their release(s) (assuming they’re allowed to have them) with their dominant. 

There is also the added benefit of knowing exactly where your sub is along the path to their orgasm – making Tease and Denial games even more effective. If you know your sub is going to orgasm exactly at  zero, then, where will they be at 3; or 2; or 1? You can time denial for a perfect frustration – or for  ruined orgasms by stopping at the right number. 

The “Please Stop” game fits perfectly in on top of this. If you’ll recall (from my previous essays or from  my books), the sub is required to ask to stop stimulation 5 seconds before they orgasm. If they’ve  mastered this technique, they will already know EXACTLY when they’re 5 seconds away from orgasm. If  you, as the dominant, decide not to stop, and you start the 5 second countdown, you know the sub will be able to regulate for orgasm at zero. It won’t matter what type of sexual position you’re in or what  activity you are doing. 

Wrapping Up 

This technique is both doable and effective. It takes some time for the sub to master, but it is absolutely  within the reach of most. It’s effective for all genders and makes for a great control game. I hope you  try it and tell me how it goes! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Trust in Power Exchange

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With the corona virus extending its “Reign of Error” (as a lot of people have got this pandemic wrong) into every area of our lives, I suggest we protect the most important areas in our lives WHEN POSSIBLE! (Was that the longest sentence in kink weekly?) To clarify: obviously, we cannot just go back to business as usual. For example, except for Mistress Cyan’s Virtual Dungeon, all the bondage clubs, at least in L.A., are closed. So, what to do to keep our bondage skills sharp and to also have fun.By some magical coincidence, I was going through my “questions bag” (which really isn’t a bag) and found a query that, although written pre-pandemic, was rather prescient and deserves to be answered. So here we go:

Reader: I’m a newbie, but am very interested in expanding my horizons. It’s giving control to someone else that appeals most to me about the bondage world. I love games of the mind, and have always been a control freak in every aspect of my life. The idea of a Dom having his way with me is thoroughly exciting. BUT it is also scary. How do I learn to trust someone? To lose control? How do I stay safe?

It appears (emphasis on the word “appears”) that many people who are control freaks in their everyday world long to give up control in their BDSM life. They not only find it exciting, but they also like the break from being controlling and responsible. But, as the saying goes, “Old habits die hard.” The desire to give up control, no matter how freeing and appealing it might be, is often easier said than done.

Thus, you are not alone in desiring to make the transition from day-to-day “Domme” to a submissive. The keys to making this big leap are threefold: a) “fantasy vs. need” b) “Rome wasn’t built in a day” and c) “letting go is a process.” Let’s examine, in detail, each of these three “keys” that I proposed.

The first one is “fantasy vs. need.” Is giving up control just a hot fantasy or is it an actual need of yours? Many people have sexual or BDSM fantasies that get them excited. But, as I have stated many times, there is no rule that says you must act on every craving that floats your boat. It might just be that due to your personal situation, this “submissive fantasy” is one that might best be left unexplored. On the other hand, if you have a true “submissive need,” then you should forget that it is scary and just give it a shot.

For most adults, consensual needs, I suggest – if at all possible – you not leave them unfulfilled. If this is your case, and submission is an unbending need and not just a pie-in-the-sky fantasy, then it is time to get to the “Rome wasn’t built in a day” principle.Learning to trust someone is a step-by-step progression. Trust is neither automatically given nor demanded – it must be earned over time. Thus, you have a right to be wary of any new Dom you play with – until he establishes the level of trust you feel comfortable with. As with any human endeavor, there are variations from person to person. Thus, it might take you more time to be at ease with one Dom than another.

Trust your instincts. This is especially true with respect to safety issues. In play, make sure you have a safe word and don’t be afraid to use it. If you do, and the Dom respects it, that is one way trust is built. Again, don’t expect instant trust. Furthermore, if your Dom tells you “I don’t believe in safe words” right out of the box, this is a big red flag. This is – especially in your case, where you have apprehension – as close to a “no-go” as you can find.Finally, about “letting go.” This is the end result of the whole process; it is not the process itself. It happens automatically after everything else has fallen into place. You don’t have to worry about it. In fact, worry (along with tension, doubt and too much thinking) is the enemy of “letting go.”

When you trust your Dom implicitly, when you aren’t stressing about safety issues, when you become less self-conscious about the whole idea of submitting, then you will automatically “let go.” A good Dom will put you at ease about your concerns and free your mind to perform the tasks that he will demand of you — the actions that, taken in totality, define “submission.” Believe me, with all the decisions that are thrust upon me during thin pandemic, I too would like to be an “Un-Dom” for week or two! Or even a day!The beauty of submission is that, ideally, it is a mental state wherein your mind is freed from all concerns other than the submission itself. Thus, by its very definition, it cannot exist until all your other fears and doubts are dispelled. And, except in very rare circumstances, that takes time!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Rewards vs. Recognition In Power Exchange

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I’ve written, at length, about my approach when it comes to rewards and punishments. I don’t do either  of those. I refer you to my other books for that discussion. However, I’ve also written about how a key  responsibility of the dominant is to recognize the submissive’s efforts so that the submissive does not  feel alone / abandoned in the dynamic. 

Some people have argued that recognition of the submissive’s role and assessment of the quality of the  job, is tantamount to a reward for the submissive. They feel that a dominant saying “good job” or “thank  you for continuing to serve me” is a reward for their efforts. 

I disagree with this notion. It’s true that submissives get pleasure and satisfaction from a dominant’s  recognition, however, there is a strong distinction between rewards and recognition. 

Though I don’t do rewards, I do a lot of recognition. My subs love that I recognize them and, in fact,  recognition is a basic necessity of the dynamic. However the difference that I see, stems from dictionary  definitions of the two words. 

In my mind, the difference is as follows: 

Recognition is personal praise or gratitude for good work and can be given at any  time.  

Rewards are tied to goals and accomplishments and are generally given up on  completion. 

I don’t reward goals / accomplishments because top-notch service is expected of my submissives. There  is nothing “out of the ordinary” for submissives to work hard and complete a task, assignment, or even  anticipate a need extremely well. If I set a goal for a submissive, they strive to achieve it, primarily to please me.  

I do however, provide personal praise for their efforts and also will show my gratitude for their  continued submission. Note: As in my essay on “Saying Please and Thank You”, I choose to show my  gratitude that my submissives continue to choose to serve me each day…as they show theirs to me for  allowing them to do so. If a sub does a great job of anticipating something for me, and removes an  obstacle before I have to face it, I’m both grateful and generous with my praise. 

Just because someone enjoys recognition and gets something out of it (e.g., Pride, sense of  accomplishment, and affirmation of the dynamic), doesn’t make it a reward. A reward is linked (in my  vernacular), to completion of goals or milestones. Rewards are more: Do this, and get that” – “Get this  because you did that”. It’s motivations and incentives. 

Herein lies my issue with rewards. I question why a sub would need more motivation / incentive than  serving their dominant well and receiving acknowledgment of a job well done. A pleased and satisfied dominant is the objective of their submission, so why would it take anything more or less than that to  motivate the best possible service? I’m suspect when that isn’t enough. 

Recognition, on the other hand, is one of the most important, and often neglected responsibilities that a  dominant takes on in my methodology. Recognizing when your submissive is striving to meet your  expectations and fulfill your preferences, is important in letting them know that you’re active and  present in the dynamic. It doesn’t take a lot to recognize a sub: Just a “Good job serving me” or an “I  see how you did that for me, and I liked it” go a long way. I like to have my sub thank me for doing  things for me: A little bit of irony goes a long way. These are really simple, no effort things that just say,  “I’m here, I’m present, and I see your effort”. 

As far as I’m concerned, recognition is a must. I recognize my subs as often as possible. I prefer higher  volume of lower effort recognition. Reward, on the other hand, is unnecessary and often counter productive; as it tends to distract submissives from their ultimate motivation – that of pleasing their  dominant by fulfilling their expectations. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Rituals in BDSM

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Brian Vox-http://www.voxart9.com/

In a previous edition of kinkweekly.com, Slave Bunny offered a terrific piece (https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-guest-author/rituals-part-2/ ) on rituals. Since rituals in BDSM are extremely important, I thought I might present some additional thoughts that illustrate how essential they are in our lifestyle. To paraphrase some football guru, “Rituals aren’t everything, they are the only thing.” I might have got that backwards, but you get the idea!

(Definition of “ritual”: a formal set of specific repetitive actions. In the BDSM context, specific sequences performed by the submissive at the pleasure of the Dominant.)

There are two major purposes for rituals in the BDSM lifestyle. The first is to maintain and reinforce the power exchange that is the essence of all D/s relationships. The second is to facilitate transitioning from “vanilla headspace” to “submissive headspace.” First, let’s examine its uses from a power dynamic point of view.

The most common ritual – it is virtually ubiquitous – is the honorific verbal greeting of “Sir,” “Master,” “Mistress” and “Ma’am.” Addressing the Dominant in this way is a very powerful tool for maintaining the power exchange that is at the heart of any D/s union. It reinforces the air of esteem that a submissive must have for her/his Dominant. The beauty of honorifics is that it offers an elegant way to reinforce the conscious integration of the power exchange within the relationship.

Of course, it is up to the couple to determine when this address will be required. Will it be compulsory 24/7, even in “vanilla” settings? Will it be mandatory only in scene-friendly environments? Is it only to be used during a BDSM scene? However often it is required, it is a verbal corroboration that the Dom/me is to be respected and obeyed in the context of the rules of their relationship. We think the honorific greeting is so essential to any D/s relationship that we offer two digressions on this topic.

Digression number one! Problems are often encountered when the slave is required to use “Master” 24/7. Using the title “Master” at a vanilla party can be dicey. But, there is one slave who came up with a brilliant solution to this problem. She always addressed her Dominant as “Master” but always added the word “Blaster” — as in the “Master Blaster” — in sticky situations. No one ever suspected; she was always able to address her owner as “Master” in just about every circumstance.

Digression number two! Although I am not personally fond of the common practice where a submissive addresses every Dom/me in the community as “Sir” or “Mistress,” there are exceptions for those who are universally respected in the community. I also think it is best to address a prospective Dominant thusly. If you use his/her birth name too often early on, it might become a hard habit to break. Using honorifics judiciously will serve you well.

Rituals are awesome tools for transitioning from “normal headspace” to “submissive headspace.” (We must make the distinction between “subspace,” which is defined as an exhilarated state caused by a rush of endorphins emitted during a BDSM scene, and “submissive headspace,” which can be viewed as the mental state of being in service to the Dominant.) In our busy and stress-filled world, this transition can be a difficult one. For example, if the sub has come home from a tough day at work, he/she might have a hard time getting into a submissive frame of mind. It is not easy to leave work headspace and enter submissive headspace. Rituals make this changeover a lot easier.

The classic greeting, or presentation, ritual is a tried-and-true transition technique. Here the submissive kneels in front of her Dominant and kisses his/her feet, shoes or boots. The sub remains in this position until a hand or verbal signal tells him/her to rise and maintain a kneeling position until instructed further. Another popular ritual is the inspection ritual. Here the submissive is required to kneel with his/her legs spread so the Dominant can inspect her/his private parts and make sure they are satisfactory. This is a superb triggering protocol; it has “submission” written all over it!

Although the greeting and inspection rituals are both popular and powerful, the transitioning protocol can be virtually anything. The Dom/me’s hand on the slave’s cheek, a particular look, a series of words or phrases, a slap to the face, a hair pull or just the touch of the Dom/me’s hand on the neck can trigger the transition. Any series of consistent, ritualized actions can activate the transition into submissive headspace  – and thus reinforce the Dom/me’s “Domspace.”.

Let me offer an innovative way to look at submissive headspace and transitioning. One can categorize submissive headspace into three distinct levels. The first level is “operational submission,” where you are submissive to your Dominant but little is required of you. It is a relaxed submissive state; the power dynamic is acknowledged but rarely actuated. The second stage is “active submission.” Here the sub might be required to be very attentive to the Dom and be available for him; but limits are not pushed. It is a state of familiar submission. No curveballs are thrown. The third space is “slave submission.” Typically, this is during play or training sessions; limits can be pushed and new areas of D/s are often explored. Transitioning into each of these states is most effectively accomplished with specific rituals designed to activate each of these levels as required. For example, a simple honorific can activate the first level. The physical greeting ritual might be used to transition into level two. And an intense inspection ritual might be the prompt to enter level three.

The number and complexity of rituals varies from Dom/me to Dom/me and couple to couple. Whether you are low, medium or high protocol, rituals are essential tools in your BDSM arsenal.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

High Protocol: Part Two

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Before you read this article, I suggest (or, in a more Domly way, insist) that you read last week’s kinkweekly.com prequel, “High Protocol, Part One.” To quickly recap. High protocol Master/slave relationships are not for everyone; they are, in fact, quite rare. And, in my opinion, they are not, in and of themselves, any higher on the BDSM food chain than any other style BDSM union; you don’t get BDSM “props” for being a high-protocol Dom or sub. High protocol is not a goal; you don’t progress from low to high protocol. It is not like going from junior to senior in high school; high protocol is simply another type of D/s relationship.

For most couples, high protocol works best for short periods of time, as in a scene or even for weekends; taking it 24/7 is usually far too energy-draining to be a way of life in our world of jobs, stress and kids. High protocol, 24/7 style, is only for those who truly crave and need it – for both the Dom and the sub alike. (It will likely fail if one is really into it and one is not.)

That said, we will attempt to list the classic (and even mythical!) high D/s protocols. Thus, you can pick and choose those protocols you like – even if you are in a low protocol relationship. As the saying goes, “Different BDSM strokes for different folks.” (Funny how the word “strokes” works so well in this paraphrased axiom.) So, without further adieu, here is the list.

IN PRIVATE

1. You must always address Master as Master, Sir or some other designated title, and do so in every sentence.
2. Upon returning from work, slave must kneel and greet Master in ritual designated by Master. If Master is out and returns home, slave still performs the greeting ritual.
3. Slave must be aware of the position training and will be expected to perform them at any time. (Note: Position training – teaching the submissive to assume a set of kneeling or standing poses, in response to the Master’s voice commands.)
4. A slave is always naked (or some designated dress) in Master’s House.
5. You must ask permission to leave the room, or use the bathroom.
6. You may not sit on the furniture without permission.
7. You must respectfully ask permission to speak.
8. If slave needs to ask questions, he/she must ask permission to speak, as in, “Sir, I have a question,” or, “May I speak freely, Sir?”
9. Whenever you have no duties to perform, or need instruction, you assume the kneeling position at your Master’s feet and wait quietly for his attention.
10. Arms are never allowed to be crossed over the body when in the presence of the Master unless it is his/her request.
11. You may not have an orgasm without permission, and may only play with yourself with permission.
12. When you make a mistake or misbehave, you may not wait until Master notices, but must immediately inform Him and gracefully accept correction.
13. You may not interrupt your Master except in an emergency.
14. The slave must prepare body for bed by bathing and then preparing the bed for the dominant.
15. Slave must present his/her body for a nightly inspection.
16. Slave must kneel and ask permission to enter the Master’s bed
17. When you are in Master’s House, you may eat and drink only from Master’s hand.
18. The submissive must learn how to serve coffee, tea or other drinks in a serving ritual specified by the Master.
19. Upon a signal from Master, the slave presents himself/herself in a manner specified by the Master for the preliminaries of sexual intimacy.

IN PUBLIC

1. A slave is not permitted to draw undue attention by excessive body movements such as tossing the head or hair, shifting positions while kneeling, moving hands or feet or, in general, doing anything that is distracting.
2. All movements are expected to be as graceful as possible or as trained by Master.
3. Lips are to be kept slightly parted and relaxed.
4. The back is always kept straight.
5. Whenever the slave is using your hands, he/she must keep them behind his/her back; when standing still, legs are parted. This is to be done unobtrusively – don’t alarm the vanilla world.
6. You walk slightly behind Master.
7. Slave does not make eye contact with any Dominant other than their Master.
8. You wait for his attention to speak.
9. In a restaurant, Master orders your meals.
10. You must discreetly ask permission to begin eating, and you may never start eating until your Master does.
11. You address Him as Sir whenever there are no other vanilla people around.
12. When having dinner with other lifestylers, slave will serve Master and guests as taught, then clear the table and serve coffee, tea or dessert as instructed. Afterward, slave sits on the floor at his feet.

As I have stated many times, pick and choose those listed protocols you want discard the rest. Or, invent your own or use some that have been omitted. For example, I use less than half of the above protocols in my relationship. So, my best advice is to use those that work for you and eliminate those that don’t.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Behavior Modification

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Photo by Vice Erotica
Photo by Vice Erotica

There is a belief that skillful Dominance can affect major behavior modifications in a submissive. (The most famous illustration of this idea is when “Christian The Helicopter Dom” in Fifty Shades walks into a hardware store and thinks he can make a random cashier into his slave.) The crux of this theory is, that by using a combination of positive and negative reinforcements, the Master/Mistress can shape the slave to his/her own specifications. It is a romantic notion and a very appealing one at that. There is no doubt that the Dominant can train a submissive to please him with great specificity. However, there is a big difference between training a slave to orally service you in a required manner and radically modifying her/his behavior. A good Dominant can sense those areas that are immune to change. For example, if your slave is very jealous, it is unlikely that you can totally eliminate it. You might be able to minimize jealousy; it’s unlikely you can get rid of it.

It is much like the demonstration hypnotists give before they start the induction. They ask the subject to touch his nose, clench his fist and then jump out the window (or some such act of insanity.) The subject typically honors the first two requests but refuses to attempt the third. It is then explained that in hypnosis you will only do things you want to do. Thus, one cannot be hypnotized into killing someone. Similarly, the submissive will only modify behavior that he/she truly wants – consciously or subconsciously — to change. Using our jealousy example, unless eliminating it is a deeply held need of the submissive, no amount of “training” will eradicate it. It is with this concept in mind that I offer ten tips that will help you accomplish a reasonable amount of behavioral modification.

• Try to match protocols. Often a high-protocol Dominant will try to convert a low-protocol submissive. Unless the sub truly craves high-protocol, it is better to lower your protocol requirements or find a high-protocol slave. Otherwise, it will be less a case of your skill as a Dominant and more a case tilting at windmills!

• Don’t rely on punishment alone. Punishment is most effective when used in conjunction with reward. Punishment is often a failed strategy when it is employed exclusively. Adults respond best to a combination of the two. A Dominant who uses only punishment is using only half of his arsenal.

• Make punishment and reward consistent. If you want to have even half a chance of modifying your sub’s behavior, be consistent. The Dominant, much like a parent, should strive to make all rewards and punishments consistent.

• All punishments should be administered in a calm manner. The Dom who loses his temper and punishes out of rage will lose his submissive’s respect. And maybe his submissive too!

• Understand your submissive. If you accept the premise that there is a limited range to behavior modification, you should understand your submissives deepest needs and limits. A failed attempt at behavior modification can ruin the Dominant’s confidence and can arouse disrespect in the submissive. Thus, failure is usually not an option. Understand what is do-able and what is not.

• When you punish, punish. There is only one type of punishment that consistently modifies behavior – consistent and immediate punishment. It does not have to be particularly painful; it can be simple disapproval. But it is these two aspects that make it so effective. Being relatively immediate is especially important. Don’t wait a day or two to punish. And try to make the punishment fit the crime!

• When you reward, reward. Similarly, reward must be consistent, immediate and in proportion to the action you find commendable.

• Be fair. Although the Dominant is the “Captain of the ship,” one should not abuse this power. If the Dominant acts like the evil Captain Bligh, he/she might have a mutiny on his/her hands. And never use a hard limit as a punishment.

• Explain. From time to time you should explain “the method in your madness,” and should clarify why the submissive is being rewarded or punished. This will expand the trust factor that is so important in Dom/sub relationships.

• Rome wasn’t built in a day. No matter what your aim, even minor behavior modification can take time. Patience is a virtue. You don’t have to do it all at once.

If you keep your behavior modification aims consistent with what you can reasonably expect from your submissive, and then push the sub’s soft limits in a sensible manner, you will be able to train your slave to a very fulfilling level. Remember, this is real life; it is not some online or movie fantasy. Don’t attempt the impossible, no matter how appealing it seems.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Opinion: The Dominant Submissive

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Renatta-1 copy

No matter where you are in the BDSM continuum – from newbie to experienced – there is one “Prime Directive” (thank you Star Trek) — whether one is a Top or bottom, sadist or masochist, Dom/me or slave, we all want what we want.

If one is a Top, it is relatively easy to get what you want. After all, he/she is in a power position – whether in a scene or in a relationship. But submissives are given no such inherent control.

Thus, the “Dominant submissive” is rather common in our lifestyle.

“The Dominant submissive.” The phrase grabs your attention; but what exactly does the expression mean? Surely, it is not a submissive walking around with a flogger in his/her hand. What I mean by “the Dominant submissive” is a sub whose needs are not being met and becomes quite dominant in an attempt to get what he or she wants from her Master/Mistress.

As I had stated, we all want what we want – Dom, sub or the man in the moon! Thus, there is a natural tendency for all submissives to be subtly demanding in the area of self-fulfillment. After all, a submissive who likes being flogged gets flogged. What we will examine here is where ‘stating your needs’ ends and becoming a ‘Dominant submissive’ begins.

Master/slave and Dom/sub relationships are rarely as perfect in real life as they seem to be online. The idealized world of faultless submissives is a rarity; in fact, it is just about as atypical as the world of perfect Masters. Here is where we enter the human area where Dominance and submission often do not mesh smoothly.

Even the most submissive of submissives can be just as demanding in his/her needs as any Dominant. Of course, need number one should be to please the Dominant. However, the Dom/me should recognize that submissives may have other very specific needs that, if unmet, will eventually tear at the fabric of the relationship. Once the Dom/me recognizes this, and doesn’t react to a submissive clearly stating requests with the old “you’re being too toppy” retort, then the relationship can move forward without problems.

We are not talking about “topping from the bottom.” That usually refers to scene etiquette. For example, “You hit like a girl” uttered in the middle of a scene is classic bottom-topping.

What we are referring to is the normal human need of any person to have their desires met. The term “Dominant submissive,” is really more of an acknowledgement that a submissive’s desires can be every bit as important to the submissive as the Dominant’s need are to him. Often a Dom can get so wrapped up in his/her power that this fact is often neglected. There is a famous saying that “power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

Thus, if one senses a bit of “Dominance” in a submissive’s demeanor, rather than get out the punishment tool, try to understand what he/she is willing to become dominant over. It is relatively easy to identify the requirements of a submissive. Just ask. Don’t over react to your sub’s stating that he/she “wants to be caned this weekend” or “wants to go to the movies” or “his/her butt hurts and wants to skip the dungeon” as though he/she were becoming the Dominant. Depending on your personal protocol, you might ask your slave to add the word “please” to any requests; but the sub cannot expect you to read his/her mind. By making his/her desires clear, he/she is not taking over your role. The submissive is simply communicating. After all, telepathy has not been perfected yet!

Communication is still the most important aspect of any relationship. In a D/s relationship, a submissive must find ways to commune with his/her Dominant. A Dom/me cannot just guess what his submissive likes; he cannot use trial and error. And the Dominant must be wise enough to understand that ignoring his sub’s basic desires can eventually turn her into a “Dominant submissive.” Of course, the Dom/me is going to push soft limits and explore areas that the sub might not ordinarily do on her own. That is the fun, and privilege, of Dominance. But, there is nothing wrong with a Master being aware of his submissive’s needs and making sure most of them are met. This is not un-Domly. It is smart. And it is the best way to insure that both of you get what you want!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Protocol and Rituals

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Foor Worship-6

First thing in the morning you send your Sir a text as soon as you wake up knowing you will receive a text back with a familiar response.

After you play you assume your agreed upon position until ordered to stand and then you both sit together, your head in his lap. Then after a while you quietly talk about the scene.

Upon returning home to your Mistress you set your things aside in a designated area. You then strip down and assume a position until she tells you to stand. You exchange mantras with one another, the Mistress places your collar around your neck, you enjoy a tight hug, and then go about your evening.

At dinner you ask your Sir permission to eat and later that week at a vanilla dinner party you, instead, make a clear comment about how delicious the food looks and he replies that it certainly does. This is the way you maintain asking permission while amongst non-kinky friends and family.

At a public event (kink or vanilla) from across a large crowded room you look to your Sir and he holds up one finger. This means he needs a drink refill. So without talking or having to come over to you or even pause his conversation – he has given a command. You prepare a drink and deliver it. (the person he’s speaking to is very impressed by the way!)
At night, right before you both get into bed, you get on your knees in front of your Sir and say a mantra that speaks to your submission to him. He replies with a mantra that peaks to his leadership and protection of you in the relationship.

The things I’ve listed above are just a few, and simple, examples of various protocols and rituals that partners in power exchange dynamics use in day to day life.

Protocol: A formalized set of rules controlling the interaction between D-types and s-types.

Ritual: The way in which a protocol is carried out.

Other people may define the difference in various ways, but for the purpose of this article I will treat them as a pair that go hand in hand.

So why do D/s partners utilize protocols and rituals? There are many reasons. At the surface they are used to train the s-type in how the D-type would like to be served. They may create expectations surrounding behavior, punishment, and service. They may be things that make life easier for the D-type, or reinforce the actions of the s-type. They certainly reinforce the power exchange. They help transition head space. In my opinion, however, there is an underlying reason and byproduct for all protocols and rituals. It is, again my opinion, the most important element of all. Connection. Protocols and rituals reinforce the power dynamic and the connection shared between partners.

Think about how many people come home from work only to greet their partner with “I’m home!” right before they plop on the couch to zone out on tv. They go about their day without communicating with one another because they get so busy with work. Going to sleep they watch tv until their eyes are like bricks and so they simply roll over and start snoring. Now go back and think about the protocols I listed at the top. These are examples of so many ideas that keep you both connected to one another every day and perhaps multiple times a day. They allow us to push away the outside world for a moment and be present with one another. Even if it’s a task that has been assigned when not together – who do you think the s-type is thinking of when they perform the task? Not the report that’s due tomorrow, it’s their D-type. Many people have protocols without labeling them as such. A vanilla couple that always go to the market together, one picks the meat for the week, the other is in charge of produce. They don’t call that protocol but that’s what it’s become. They can count on their weekly Sunday market trip and how they will go about it.

I have always loved protocol for this reason. It’s just between you and your partner, a silent understanding. Connection.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.