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Being Dominant and Being A Dominant-Worlds Apart

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There have been a rash of questions on our educational sites lately similar to the following, “Can a guy become dominant if it doesn’t naturally come to them?”

It’s a good question but needs more context. Too often we see people confusing the difference between a Top (the dominant role during a scene) and being a Dominant, the head of a power exchange relationship. Through conversation, we often find what they mean, is being a Top.

I wrote about this difference some time ago in a shorter article addressing the difference. In it I wrote this short piece and asked the readers to comment and react:

“Just because my personality is dominant, does not make me a Dominant.

Just because I have self-discipline and a dominant personality, does not mean I am a Dominant, or would even be a good one.

Just because I have a submissive, does not mean I am a Dominant.

All of these things are pieces and parts brought together by will, intelligence, need, diligence, consistency, integrity, self-motivation, selflessness and selfishness, and the ability to bond deeply with another person through the development of trust and the vulnerability of emotional connection. Using all of the aforementioned to develop a skill set which enables a person to show they are able to take on the committed role and can be trusted. Giving the submissive an opportunity to be as the title implies.

It is a web of factors which takes time, patience, practice, and guidance to form a larger whole.

Anyone can call themselves anything, but until they realize it is much more than any one or two things culminating in being a Dominant, they will only ever be dominant. There is a difference.”

All Hell Broke Loose

As you can imagine, there were some very strong opinions which came out of this conversation. Everything from dominants are born not made, dominants can be made even if they never leaned that way before etc. etc. It seemed like everyone had an opinion as to how someone inclined becomes properly a Dominant.

Lacking was discussion on what might actually contribute to someone being a successful dominant. Out of the hundred or so replies there were exactly zero about a dominant’s make up, only argument about what was properly a Dominant or not. It was at the very least disheartening. 

It was then I determined to write about what, in my opinion, really contributed to being a Dominant, not merely dominance. It wound up being 14 articles, with the Dominant’s Creed as its basis to give readers a baseline to follow. Some of that I am regurgitating here in this piece.

At the Center

I think nothing happens in this lifestyle which does not include the core of a person. Who they are underneath it all. Stripping away the façade of titles, costumes, toys, and the persona they may put on for others. In the end, whether they have a chance to be successful rests with them being a good person or not. Nothing more complicated than that. Regardless of the type of dynamic there are some commonalities which allow us to be that which we seek in kink.

Integrity and honesty, empathy and compassion, maturity and thoughtfulness, self-confidence and self-awareness, internal drive and motivation are among the many traits combined into a successful cocktail which enables others to see us as a potential Dominant. Because without a sub-type who wants our dominance, what good is it. First, they need to say yes.

Without that initial spark to which they are attracted in that submissive way, we are a rowboat without paddles.

If we happen to fake the funk and get someone to accept us and we are not a good person? Eventually it is going to melt down. People will get hurt emotionally, and possibly physically. The relationship will end simply because we have not taken the time to work on ourselves and become prepared to be that Dominant. 

Sure there are plenty of submissives out there who could spell disaster for us because they may not be a good person. However, we are not in control of them, only ourselves. There is not point in duping someone, or waiting till after a relationship is established to get ourselves squared away.

So We Find a Submissive

Great, now what? As I stated in the first portion of this article there is so much more than just being in that relationship. It takes effort and commitment. A whole lot more talking going on than playing, or at least there should be in my opinion. How can we be an effective Dominant to someone if we do not know them well?

I am not just talking about what they do for work, or if they have kids, or the hobbies they like. We need to dig deep into who this person is and why they are who they are. And they us. At a brutal level of honesty. This is going to be the lever that allows us to appreciate them as a person. Be accepting of the bad, not just the good. To see past the front we all put up in a new relationship because we all want to put our best foot forward.

This willingness to learn our partner in an emotionally intimate way speaks of our ability to be empathic and compassionate. Two of our greatest and most used tools as Dominants. They council us to listen more than speak, to ask probing questions, and to really hear and understand our partner. Without this, we step on many more landmines than necessary. 

No, Simply Demanding it Does Not Mean You’ll Get It

Even if we are a good person and have managed to find a submissive who is committed to us, we cannot be jerks about it, if we want it to last. Way back when dirt was invented and I was a new dominant, I thought that was the way it was supposed to work. I quickly found out otherwise to my shame and embarrassment. 

There is a duty of care and responsibility which comes with being a Dominant. That we first are looking out for the best interest of our submissive. Even as a Master, we have to be careful of this, even more so as a committed slave is less likely to come to their own defense in many cases, unless the situation is dire. This is not possible without having developed a deep understanding of our sub-type.

They are placing their trust in us to lead them in a way which not only fulfills our desires but helps them grow and fulfills theirs. If all we are is a machine which compels compliance without thought to the impact on our charge, the chances of the dynamic lasting long or very small.

Creating a Gravitational Pull

The moon stays in orbit around Earth because of the gravity it exerts. Similarly, being that good person at our core helps us create an emotional gravity which captures our submissive and keeps them in our orbit. It allows them to open up to us, in turn, freeing us to be that Dominant they desire. I say freeing because without that pull, everything becomes a struggle where we are having to work to keep them enthralled and interested.

The dynamic becomes work, like the kind we do not appreciate so much. Not to be confused with the effort it takes to maintain a healthy relationship.

It also frees our submissive to be accepting of our dominance. They can begin to and continue to trust us because they have learned we are a person worth trusting. Sure we have to do much more than just be a good and decent person. But it is a beginning worth striving for, and one which becomes foundational for a long-term commitment.  

The Goal

I think most of us want to have that stability in our relationships, even if they are not romantic. The purpose driven commitment to and of another person bringing a constant into our universe to look forward to, cherish, and rely upon in good times and bad. 

Is not this the hub on which all else turns? Our ability to maintain a healthy relationship with another person? To do that, to build that, we need to work on ourselves first. 

Realizing to become a Dominant, we must master ourselves first. If we do not, we will only ever be dominant.


If you are interested in the Dominant’s Creed articles I mentioned earlier in this writing visit this link to my page on FetLife – TAC_1’s Writings | FetLife

The Power Of Choice In Power Exchange

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Submission is a choice.  Every aspect of the power we hand over to another individual is a daisy chain of choices.  I have always been transparent about the struggles I had in learning how to make those choices.

I chose to offer Him my submission and He rejected me.

I chose to offer it a second time and He took me under consideration.

I chose when to kneel.  I chose when to call Him Sir and once again when to call Him Master. I chose when to crawl.  

And I chose when to finally let go.

As I write this, I understand that to the naked eye, it seems as though I had all the power.  And we all know how I feel about that saying.  

What I am trying to do is highlight the slow decent into complete acceptance.  He has a considerable amount of patience.  He pushed me by setting His expectations a notch higher than I thought I could achieve. 

Every. Single. Time.

By turning me down, He verified I had an honest desire to serve Him and the determination to address things that make me uncomfortable.

By letting me kneel at my pace, He could see that understanding dawn in my eyes when I finally accepted the desires I spoke about.

By allowing me to choose how to address Him, He guaranteed my service was sincere and natural.

By waiting for me to crawl, He watched me finally comprehend that my discomfort is secondary to His pleasure.

In a profoundly silent style, He taught me how to sink into my submission and wrap it around me like a warm cloak of spirituality.

Each of these led to my final choice: to offer Him a Total Power Exchange.  He would (and does) own my body, my mind, and my soul.  At this point in O/our dynamic, my limits are His limits.  

Now, the reason I am laying this out, is because you need to understand the building blocks of our dynamic before I tell you the final step of His “training” process.

Once I reached the point of complete acceptance, He pointed out the most important part of what I had learned.  I had learned to anticipate His needs, and, by default, my own.  During my efforts to figure out my own wants and needs, I had started subconsciously seeking his approval.  I had, without realizing it, had taken the service aspect to heart.  My happiness came from my ability to make His life easier.  It was (and still is) my mission to recognize and provide everything He desires without Him ever saying a word.

Only once I reached the point of anticipating His thoughts (as much as submissive can anticipate the thoughts of a Sadist) were we able to delve into O/our favorite part of BDSM.

Now the fun part.

I am going to ask you to define Mental Bondage.

I know, without ever hearing the answers, that each of you gave me a different definition.

Here’s why:

If you type Mental Bondage into Google (without any other code words), you will get two types of answers.  The first is religious.  They refer to mental bondage as the inability to see, feel, or understand the spirit of God. The second is a warning against domestic abuse.  Mental bondage, in that capacity, refers to the inability to break the cycle of abuse and recognize the trauma being experienced.

If those aren’t vastly different ends of the spectrum, I don’t know what is.

If you change your search to “BDSM Mental Bondage,” the answers move to kink related themes. 

1) The first answer is sexual hypnosis.  Sexual Hypnosis, also called Erotic Hypnosis, is the use of hypnosis to elicit a particular set of sexual or sensual responses.  It can be used to force orgasms, increase sensitivity to touch, or implement trigger words that can sink someone into sub space.  While it is not my kink (mostly because attempted hypnosis just triggers my narcolepsy), I did take a class on it at one time out of curiosity.  For those who can use hypnosis in (or as) their kink, it is amazing to see the sensuality of it.  I have a friend who partakes, and she keeps her trigger word private because it will turn her extremely primal.  I was able to watch her play with Master one time where she wanted to have her word used in conjunction with electricity.  It was…quite the scene.

2) The second answer you will see is a reference to positional training.  This most often references the Gorean slave positions or submissive training poses.  I make the distinction between these because while some of the poses overlap, they are two separate sets of positions and commands to learn.  There are three common languages used to give the commands.  The first is English, and most commonly coincides with submissive training poses.  The second is German, akin to the same words used to train dogs (and I may or may not have managed to surprise Master when I responded to them).  I have seen this one used in more High Protocol settings, and more often used with slaves.  The last is the common tongue of Gor.  These are the terms (and definitions) outlined in the Gor Series (written by John Norman).  These books are the foundations of the Gorean lifestyle.

The reason positional training falls under Mental Bondage is because the learning of these positions becomes second nature to the submissive and often can sink them into a particular mindset, depending on the position used.  This is especially true with the Gorean positions.  For example, the position “Bracelets” is used to put slave bracelets on so the slave may be chained.  “Leasha (Leash)” is the position used to attach a leash to the slave.  

If you have been in either of those positions (formally or just in play), they are vastly different mindsets.

3) The third most common answer revolves around 24/7 dynamics.  It is the commitment of a submissive to the rules laid out by their Dominant.  Think about it.  Do your rules dictate what you eat, what you wear, or what you can say?  Are you required to answer questions with a particular honorific or in a certain way?  

All of these are forms of mental bondage.  You are bound to a strict set of expectation that you are only released from at your Dominant’s discretion.  It is an invisible version of bondage.  It is much like being bound with rope and only being freed once your Dominant desires it.

While there are quite a few other definitions, the ones listed above are the most commonly agreed upon within the vast online BDSM community.

Then there is U/us.

While we do use aspects of the previous mentioned definitions, we have developed O/our own version of Mental Bondage.

Mental Bondage, in my experience, is the adherence to protocols, orders, and positions that have only been anticipated (and never verbally directed) with the expectation of correction if the submissive is wrong.

Sounds scary, huh?

To me, it sounds deliciously fearsome.  Which is why Mental Bondage is my kink.

O/our version of Mental Bondage does have a component of Consensual Non-Consent (CNC).  The expectations laid upon me change each time we play. As mentioned, many times before, I do not know what is going to happen until it happens.  

One example of Mental Bondage is “the waiting game.”

When Master has decided it is time to scene, I am sent down to my room to wait for Him.  He never states how I am to wait.  The only consistent is the fact that I kneel.  Sometimes I am naked and other times I am dressed.  Sometimes I am in Nadu pose.  Other times I kneel at the edge of the bed, my forehead to the mattress, my arms extended out above my head.  The pose depends on what I have anticipated He wants me to do.  

Unfortunately for me, W/we like to combine Mental Fuckery and Mental Bondage, so I am only right about 20% of the time.

Another one of Master’s favorite expressions of mental bondage occurs during impact play.  Sadomasochism is a heavy part of our play.  This means that we play for short amounts of time at a high intensity with little warm-up or cool down.  I have been bucked off a spanking bench and a barrel from the force of the impact.  

Do you know what happens when I break position?

I pick myself up and move back into position.  He never breaks posture, nor does He speak.  He knows that once I am in a position, I will hold it until His direction changes.  He expects me to hold myself in a way where He can reach as much of my body as physically possible.  

While He refuses to admit to me that He enjoys watching me struggle, I can see it clearly on His face.  Watching my legs tremble beneath me, hearing me sob as I try to continually hold my body against the force of impact, and ultimately watching me collapse brings a sinister grin to His face.

Rope has been used only one time during the length of O/our dynamic.  Metal cuffs have been used three times, and I can count the number of times my leather cuffs have been used on one hand.  Outside of those instances, all of the bondage I am subjected to is mental.

In my experience, Mental Bondage brings me a sense of accomplishment.  Knowing that I am pushing my body to the edge to hold a position for longer periods of time, simply because He wants me to, is rewarding.  

It also gives me a focus point.  Master does not like to keep the same rhythm during play.  Doing so would allow me to push out the pain.  He wants me to feel it, to experience it in the moment, and to push through it.  Repetitive motion, like a flogging, can allow a submissive to sink into a meditative state to push their pain threshold.  He expects me to push through it through an active choice to continue (through the withholding of my safeword).

I have the choice to put myself back into position.

I have the choice to stop experiencing the pain and the pleasure.

I even have the choice to break the invisible hold of mental bondage by using my safeword.

After all, there is nothing physically stopping me.

It is my honor as a submissive that bound me to Master.  It is my desire to serve and please Him.  It comes down to the moment I gave Him power over me.  

The moment I gave Him my power to choose.

Submit To The Person

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Today, I’m thinking about a tendency among many submissives, to think of a dominant as the entire person, rather than as a dynamic in a relationship with a person. You’ll hear them say, “I’m looking for ‘A  Dominant’”, “Why can’t I find more ‘Dominants’?”, “I’m A Submissive, I need A Dominant”. It is as if the  person is defined solely by their preference when it comes to power dynamics. The notion is that ‘A  Dominant’ is what a person is…when, in reality, a person ‘is’ a lot of things – including being a dominant in their relationships. 

From my perspective as a dominant woman, I see this predominantly from male submissives (but it is  certainly not limited to a specific gender). Very often, they approach women, looking for ‘A Dominant’ without any consideration for who the woman really is. Worse, they have often already defined what ‘A  Dominant’ is, and are looking for it, exclusively. The ‘Dominant’ is viewed as a collective object – predictable based solely on their preference for “dominance” – and consistent from person to person  (as long as they “know how to dominate”). Any dominant will do, because they are believed to be interchangeable. Of course, since that’s not true, this often can create serious issues with the relationship. 

This viewpoint manifests itself in several common ways: Many submissives have a predetermined view  of what ‘a dominant’ does; how they act; their attitude; their dress – and don’t see a person as dominant  unless they meet those criteria. Or, they may discover that they don’t have compatibility with a  dominant from a relationship perspective, even though they’ve had compatibility in kink. Or, they may  not recognize dominance, if it doesn’t match the femininely-styled masculine image of a dominant. 

I’ve discussed this last point before; the notion that dominance equatesto masculinity – and therefore,  female dominance is thought of as a femininely-stylized imitation of masculinity. In my previous articles,  I’ve pointed out that the porn-imagery of the female dominant shows women as ‘penetrators’ with  strap-ons, in biker leathers (stylized), and having the heels of their boots (stylized jack boots) sucked  ‘like a cock’. The notion that someone who doesn’t prefer traditionally masculine qualities (e.g.,  aggression, anger, micro-management, competitiveness, desire to overpower, etc.) is not ‘allowed’ in  that imagery of dominance. 

Relationships are a complex collection of traits, personalities, and dynamics. Power dynamics are just  one of many dynamics that may exist in a relationship. The person who is the dominant has many other  facets totheir personalities – most having absolutely nothing to do with power dynamics. If you enter a  relationship with a person, solely based on one dynamic or attribute, you are destined to encounter  problems and potentially dissolution of the relationship. For example, people who have entered  relationships because “the sex was so good”, have experienced the same types of issues. Folks doing the  same for power dynamics likely are headed for similar negative outcomes. 

The key here, is to submit to the person, not to their role in a dynamic. If you’re thinking something  longer-termed than sharing a scenario, dedicating yourself in service to someone is a serious  commitment. There needs to be something about that PERSON that makes you want to submit to them. 

Something more than their gender and that they identify as dominant. You are submitting to the entire  person, who they are, not just what role they prefer to play. You must get to know who they are to be  able to establish a relationship based on more than power dynamics. Only then can you customize your  submission to mold and serve the full person.  

The next time you feel like engaging with someone who identifies as ‘dominant’, try to identify what it is  about that unique person that is drawing you to serve them. If it’s nothing more than their gender and  preference for dominance, slow down, get to know who they really are, and then THEN make the decision to submit! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Queen vs. Warden

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Today, I’d like to address a subject that’s been mentioned in passing in a few of my articles and books:  The difference between being an enforcer and of being a leader. 

The examples I’d like to use for this discussion, are the Warden of a prison versus the Queen of a land.  

Both positions have “constituents” – those that reside in the area over which they have authority. Both have the authority to set rules and procedures for those constituents. Both have power to rule,  somewhat unilaterally. Both have the right to enforce their will. Both are in positions of superiority. 

Of course, there are a number of differences: 

The Warden’s constituency is not present by choice. They are incarcerated and restricted. The warden is  feared. There is no personal relationship with the warden; interaction is limited to compliance with strict  and granular rules that impact every moment of every day. Compliance is not a choice, it is mandatory – and failure to comply has severe punitive consequence. They are counting the days until they can get out. 

The Queen’s constituency are members by choice. They are voluntarily citizens unless they no longer  want/need the protections / benefits of the land. The Queen is revered and honored. She is worshiped and adored. She is the leader of the land. Her rules are somewhat generic; providing an overarching  framework of culture and order, under which the citizens adapt for their specific lives. For the most part,  participation in the regulations provide a level of freedom within that framework. Of course, repeated  failure to comply to the regulations may result in banishment from the land or being turned over to … the warden, but for the most part, the constituents are governed by their desire to provide for the  queen in their deed and intent. 

Much of the literature surrounding BDSM and D/s fantasies, and consequently, many of those who  approach me for advice or contact, approach dominance as a position of enforcement. Of course, there  is a bit of a façade that gets played: When referring to dominants, they use words like “reverence” and  “worship” – vernacular that would have you believe the dominant is a queen, but when you actually look  at the nature of the imagery and understand the demands of the fantasy, you see that the role being  described most resembles that of the warden. 

Many submissivess are looking to be made captive. The fantasy is to be trapped, as if against one’s will,  under the authoritative and restrictive rule of the dominant. There is usually an elaborate storyline that  creates servitude – blackmail, disclosure, loss of bets, indenture – so that compliance to a strict rule is  assured. Every movement curtailed; every decision made for them. When to eat, when to sleep, where  to go, what to do. Enforcement is immediate and punitively consequential. The dominant is an enforcer: The “doer”; the active role. Obedience is driven through fear of consequence. All of this is necessary to make the façade feel real.

For most of the dominants I know, playing the role of warden can be fun and enjoyable – as a role.  However, being the warden day in and day out runs counter to what they’re looking for in their  relationships – and can be a lot of work! Most enjoy the feeling of being revered, worshiped, and adored. They want to set generic rules and structure, and not have to threaten or beat their submissives  into compliance. In my vernacular, they prefer “submission” to “acquiescence” …the difference being  that submission is driven by a desire to serve, whereas acquiescence is compliance driven by a desire to avoid consequence. 

The conflict this establishes can take a toll on relationships. A person who is looking to establish a power  dynamic using words like “worship” and “reverence”, is setting up an expectation that isn’t met (for  most) by the imagery of the warden. Sometimes that dichotomy is realized very late in the dynamic’s  development and can lead to all sorts of issues. If someone wants a warden, they need to be up-front  about it. This is not just a porn issue (although porn tends to present the imagery of the warden in the  guise of a full-time relationship – and for someone whose only exposure to power dynamics is through  porn, that can be damaging), this is a communications issue. Talk about what you want. Define  submission. Define dominance. Agree on your terms before you dive into the dynamic. 

For me, I am my submissive’s queen. They operate within the guidelines I present – my preferences and  expectations…the things that make me happy. They live within the purview of my land for as long as  they want to. They are neither forced to comply, nor are they trapped against their will. They opt to  serve me, each and every day they stay here. They are the “doers”; actively working to fulfill their role  within the structure. They are citizens of my land; knights; valued contributors to my domain. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Discipline-Based Dynamics

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We live in a discipline based dynamic (DD). In our relationship, I am the Dom, and my partner is my  submissive masochist and 3-hole slut. She is collared. She belongs to me. I own her.  

In all discipline-based dynamics there is a Dominant partner and a submissive partner. Here is an  example of how that played out in our dynamic. Almost 6 months into our discipline based dynamic that  started when I claimed her, it occurred to me that on the days following our High Protocol marking  scenes (where she gets marked with a cane), which we hold during the weekend, she was in a much  better mood than her baseline, she was unmistakably more loving, happier and more attentive. As the  week wore on, she tended to get “out of sorts”. After seeing this play out for a few weeks in a row, I got  to thinking about it, and I concluded that she should get a daily maintenance spanking to see if that  altered her experience any. Well, I can report that it has dramatically altered both her experience and  our relationship. The first time I gave her a daily spanking, we had great sex immediately following and  now that ritual is part of our daily extremely hot sexual encounter that itself has opened a lot of doors  for us in our pursuit of sexual nirvana. When I first told her that she was to get a daily maintenance  spanking, because we live in a DD household, even though she bit her lip with both a bit of concern and  a little trepidation, she immediately accepted my decision and made sure she was ready to get spanked  every day. Even though she was worried about it at first, she trusted me to look out for her, and she  gave her unconditional consent. All DD are based on consent. We live in what is called a 24/7 TPE or  Total Power Exchange.  

Now, regarding the daily maintenance spanking, just to be clear, she had done nothing wrong, she was  simply being human, and so the spanking was not a punishment for a bad behavior, it was not a cause  and effect spanking, It was not corporal punishment at all. The discipline in this instance is that she gets  a daily spanking, which means that when she gets home from work, she goes to the bathroom and gets  herself ready to be spanked and used. This is our protocol. In a DD dynamic, protocols are at play.  Because she is an obedient submissive, we do not have a power struggle about this. I have told her what  she needs to do to properly prepare herself to serve me and she does that joyfully, even to the point of  putting out the flogger, lube and a towel before she kneels in her Nadu pose to wait for my attention.  

The impact of incorporating this practice into our daily life is nothing short of amazing. It has  dramatically improved our connectedness, our relatedness and the sense of closeness we have between  us. We love each other more intensely today that we did when I introduced the practice more than 2 years ago.  

This experience of being “much closer than ever” is a very common experience for a D/s couple who  practice a domestic discipline lifestyle. Now adult DD relationships are varied. There are female led  relationships (FLR) with a dominant woman and a submissive man. This is a very popular topic. The most  downloaded episode of our podcast is the FLR pod (Season1 Episode 147). Some of these relationships  are strictly discipline oriented where corporal punishment is a part of any punishment or transgression  resolution, and some are asexual dynamics as well. In our dynamic the DD is intertwined without  sexuality, but this is not always the case. A man who endures the over the knee (OTK) hairbrush  spanking and then has to stand in the corner with his red ass exposed may have a “completely normal  vanilla” sexual relationship with his partner where he is dominant in bed. It does not really need to be  stated, but there are both gay and lesbian DD relationships as well as non-binary dynamics. 

One of the more interesting DD dynamics is the Big/Little dynamic where an adult care giver is  responsible for an adult little (or child persona) who needs to be disciplined in many ways from having  their diaper checked or changed, to what and how much they eat etc. In truth, there are numerous  forms of DD relationships which we refer to as “Power Exchange Relationships”, such as:  

 Master/sub/slave (M/s)  

 Mistress/sub/slave (M/s)  

 Mommy Dom/little boy/girl (MD/lg or MD/lb)  

 Daddy Dom/little boy/girl (DD/lb or DD/lg)  

 Domestic Discipline (DD)  

 Head of Household (HOH)  

 Taken in Hand (TIH)  

 Total Power Exchange (TPE  

 Absolute Power Exchange (APE)  

By definition, a power exchange relationship (PER) is a relational dynamic in which one individual serves  another in a consensual authority exchange structured relationship wherein a partners choose to either  give up or get control of authority. Pet play is another power exchange dynamic as well.  

There are many issues to deal with in a power exchange relationship. For example, imagine a DD couple  where the primary discipline is an Over the Knee (OTK) spanking, and the couple has children? What are  some of the concerns? From where I sit, there is never cause to spank a child, so that is not what I am  promoting, I am asking strictly from the perspective that the HOH has determined that the sub is to get  an OTK spanking, and the household has young or even teenage children. How should that be managed?  If you read the message boards, the consensus is that the couple works to separate completely the DD  activities from the parenting of their children. It is an adult behavior and not appropriate for the children  to witness. To a person, the sub, males and females, will note that the spankings they get make them  closer to their dominant. So, it is both needed and necessary, which requires that they find way to take  their behavior out of the purview of their children. From the point of view of the children, all they see is  a loving relationship between their parents.  

Why people choose PER’s is as complex as it is varied. In our case, we are both wired to be in a PER. We  were both in unfulfilling marriages before we connected, and we both drifted to a TPE. I had advertised  that that is what I was seeking, and she was drawn to my stated relationship intention. Now I want to  make an especially important point. There is a massive difference between being dominant and being  domineering. Being the HOH does not entitle me to be domineering. In fact, my partner was in a  marriage with a domineering man whom she grew to despise. I cannot explain what makes me  dominant or why she sensed my dominance even as we met for the first time. I do know that being  dominant is my natural way of being and that having her as my submissive has allowed me my full self expression as a sexual being. The secret is to a successful DD is to keep the integrity of the dynamic  intact. What do I mean by that? I mean that the relationship only works where consent is present, and it  only works where agreements are kept. If, for example, I said, “if you do that again, I am going to spank  you” and she does it again and I do not follow through and spank her, then she will begin to wonder if I  am paying enough attention to her. This leads to space and space kills relationships. Instead, I enroll her  into the dynamic ongoingly and register her willing participation by keeping it fun, and then we both take on making sure that we fulfill on our commitment to each other. PER’s require that both the Dom  and the sub are 100% responsible for maintaining the relationship, All PER are consent based as I have noted, and the amount of power a submissive chooses to give up is  subject to negotiation. Our dynamic is a Total Power Exchange. I say what goes, and yet, I insist that my  sub has agency, and is fully self-expressed. We maintain a remarkably high degree of communication so  that she can speak her mind without concern. For example, she might tell me that she is going for a run,  she does not ask me if she can go for a run, and that occurs inside of the integrity of our broader  dynamic where her fitness and health are a stated priority of ours. If there were an insurmountable  issue, we have an agreement in place that we can set aside the DD for the purposes of talking as equals  and resolving the issue. In other dynamics, HOH for example, there is an invitation for more discussion  preceding decisions that the HOH then makes. In a Big/little dynamic, there is more enrollment that  occurs, and discipline might involve punishing brattyness (disobedience designed to elicit a spanking or  punishment) and that sort of play. So, as I like to say, there is no right way to be. The individuals need to  negotiate a PER dynamic that works for each of them.  

There is a really great tool we use to manage communication in our dynamic called WeMinder. As a tool  designed for discipline based dynamics, it allows a Dom to assign tasks and reward or punish based on  the agreements that have been negotiated. You can listen to the conversation we had with the founder here. (https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/8559456)  

WeMinder is inexpensive and perfect for partners in DD dynamics, including those who do not live in the same geography.  

There are dynamics where corporal punishment is used to change behavior. We talked to a  Disciplinarian who makes himself available using hard core corporal punishment on request of  submissive women who even fly to see him from thousands of miles away to get brutal 12 or 24 or 50  stroke cold caning sessions. I once worked with a woman who wanted to lose weight and quit smoking,  and she requested corporal punishment to motivate her to change her behavior. In both of these  examples, the PER is asexual. The point is that PER’s occur in all sorts of ways where one partner  chooses to give up power and one chooses to take power. The definition is even true in consent/non  consent dynamics, which is more of a roll play dynamic. I am simply observing that DD’s occur in the  realm of relationship, the realm of sexuality, and the realm where those are combined.  

Regardless of the style of DD you choose, the best way to proceed is to be in communication, to  negotiate, to make agreements and to stick to them. We choose to operate in a space where there is  “nothing wrong”, and as we were developing our dynamic, there were times when we were required set  the dynamic aside to speak as equals so as to confirm or clarify or renegotiate an agreement or  negotiate a new one. That process occurred more at first while we worked out the limits in our dynamic.  

There is tons of information out there in blogs, and on sites like fetlife where there are dozens of groups  devoted to DD or PER with thousands of members who engage in conversations and who post their ideas and opinions.  

My view is that a PER is a serious commitment. We both believe that we each need to be 100%  responsible for maintaining the PER in the healthiest way possible. In the 3 years since we first met, we  have seen our relationship and our dynamic grow closer and closer and we are more aligned now than ever before, and she has received a daily maintenance spanking every day for more than half of that  time. The spanking she receives are not trivial, but are on the order of 500 lashes with a heavy bull hide  flogger that turns her ass bright red. We used the spankings to explore her masochism, and she is now  climaxing during her spanking that now occurs as part our ridiculously hot kinky sex. We found the key  to unlock our dynamic when I made an observation about her behavior, thought about how to address it  in the context of our PER, and came up with the daily maintenance spanking as an idea. Because we are  in a rabbit hole, and because we have no idea about the twists and turns, and because new actions  produce unpredictable outcomes, we are now closer, more aligned, more connected, more related and  more in love, happiness and joy than ever before, and our PER is humming along perfectly.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms

On Discipline

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

As we all know, one of the composite phrases in the acronym, BDSM, is B&D: Bondage and Discipline. In  this context, discipline is defined as actions that are applied to the submissive, while the submissive is  bound and incapable to resist. Discipline could be impact play, humiliation, chores, etc. Urban Dictionary has a reasonable definition for B&D: “used in reference to practices involving physical restraint and punishment” 

Of course, “Discipline” has other meanings, both within, and outside of the context of B&D. The Oxford  definition has several, two of which are particularly pertinent to this discussion. The first is also often  thought of in a BDSM context: “The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior,  using punishment to correct disobedience.” The second interpretation offered by Oxford hits home for  me in a big way: “Training oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way”. 

In a sense, the subtle differences between these two definitions harken back to my discussion on the  different viewpoints people have on submission: That submission is either the passive or active role.  There are those who feel that submission is about having things done TO you by a dominant, whereas others (like myself) prefer to think of submission as being dedicated to doing things FOR a dominant that  the dominant feels is FOR them. In the first, submission is passive: Things are done to you. In the second,  submission is active: You are doing things for the dominant. 

In this same way, the first definition of discipline is about doing TO the submissive. The submissive is the  recipient of training; the recipient of punishment and adjustment. The goal of this discipline is  obedience, as defined by the dominant. The dominant is the one doing the discipline…the sub is  accepting it. This is what many people think of as submission. The goal of the submissive is to ACCEPT  the discipline and adjust their behavior. 

The second definition is focused on the submissives themselves. The submissive is structuring their own  behavior to act in a specific way. They are providing and generating the energy required to enforce their  own desired traits. They are motivated by an “ideal behavior”.  

For those who have talked to me, read my books, or read my articles here in KinkWeekly, you already  know that my preference is for subs to be self-disciplined. Self-discipline, in a power dynamic as a  submissive, implies that the ideal behavior to which you are aspiring, is known to serve the dominant  the way the dominant prefers to be served. The dominant sets and communications the ideal, the submissive works to achieve it. 

This is very different than having discipline thrust upon you. When you are “trained to obey”, your  behavior is motivated by the consequences of not obeying. The discipline is manifested in the form of  punishment and behavior modification. Contrast this to self-discipline, in which the dominant  communicates desired behavior and the submissive chooses to structure themselves to deliver against  that specification, motivated by their desire to serve the dominant in the best way they can.

To me, this is fundamentally the difference between “Submission” and “Acquiescence”. Read my article  on this subject, or my books, for more information about this distinction. 

So, when a sub boasts about how much they can accept, absorb, or endure…when they talk about  punishment and the need for restriction in order to remain focused on serving – I quickly lose interest. I  have no interest in manipulating submission. My interest is in defining submission clearly, so that my  submissives can provide the self-discipline needed to fulfill their need to submit to me. 

A sub who demonstrates discipline is far more valuable to me than one who accepts discipline. If you’re  a dominant and feel the same way, communicate that to your submissives. Change the way they think of  submission. If you’re a submissive, consider that your dominant may prefer you to be more self disciplined…and may not have even thought it “proper” to ask it. I strongly recommend that you use  these definitions as a discussion-point to help you further define your power dynamic with your  partners. It’s one of many steps on the road to mutual fulfillment! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Overcoming Obstacles to General Acceptance Requires Focus on the D/s in BDSM

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I am confident that there will come a time, when relationships with power dynamics will be commonly  accepted in our culture. We are already seeing signs of it in popular media: BDSM has become a bit  more “mainstream”; moving beyond its presence in fashion and showing up in more real ways. Power  dynamics are plots and sub-plots in the shows we view at home, in the movie theaters, and in books. 

BDSM is arriving, but not “all of it”. B&D and S&M are being depicted, but D/s is lagging far behind! In  many ways, it’s easier to depict BDSM without D/s. It’s relatively easy to have actors “do things to each  other” than to pull off the deeper character development needed to portray a committed D/s dynamic  convincingly and so, for impact value, ease of production, and perhaps out of lack of understanding,  media has embraced S&M and B&D and foregone the emotional commitment of D/s. 

This creates some issues, not the least of which is that the imagery of B&D and S&M, particularly as  portrayed within the media, is very closely aligned with the imagery of abuse, biker-outlaws, Nazism,  and psychotics! As someone who just wants to engage in consensual healthy power dynamics, this is quite troublesome. 

As I’ve pointed out previously, power dynamics in media, which is a critical first step in acceptance in  culture, is in its infancy. We are barely beginning to be introduced to characters of substance, who have a healthy interest in D/s; who do not have to be damaged by childhood trauma, or psychotic drive as an  excuse to enjoy open power exchange. Only barely…for most of the characters still suffer from some  aspect of that excuse, or are portrayed as comedic shills – wild, out-there characters who will push any  norm. We have not yet seen a character within a power dynamic, who does not require a “reason” for  being involved in it. It is not “normal” yet – and therefore needs an explanation to be believable. 

This is going to change. Much the way interracial relationships used to be verboten – then accepted with  excuse – and now presented everywhere, without calling any attention to itself; power dynamics will  eventually be portrayed as a matter of course – a sub-text – and nothing out of the ordinary. We will  eventually relate to the characters in such a way that they will be able to accept their interests without  need for explanation. We will get to the point where we won’t need to understand Joe and Mary’s  childhood experiences to accept that they are a happily married couple – and Mary chooses to serve Joe  as his submissive”. We’ll just accept that and be focused on the real plot of the show. 

I hope to live long enough to see the day…but I do believe it WILL happen. 

What are the obstacles standing in the way of making this happen? The first problem to overcome is to  establish that people can choose to be dominant or submissive without it reflecting a weakness or a flaw  in their character. We still seem to need an explanation – a reason why someone would want to stray from the perceived norm. The assumption is that there HAS to be something lacking or damaged in the personalities. 

There is a learned resistance to power dynamics that stems from society’s proactive attempts to  criminalize abuse. Due to the abolition of slavery, the emancipation of women, and the movement  against discrimination of all types – there is an overarching sensitivity to repression and imbalance. We  naturally want to repel any unfairness. However, conflating consensual power dynamics with these  examples of non-consensual abuse is misleading, and harmful.  

Even once we can clarify the difference between consensual power dynamics and non-consensual  abuse, there are still other obstacles to overcome. Gender bias very much sways acceptance. The  generalization is that men tend to be dominant and women tend to be submissive. Intellectually, we  know how wrong that stereotype is. It has been a high obstacle for rebellion in women’s rights activists  who have had to fight it. Even though our young generations are being raised without that assumption,  it’s still present and impacts the way media portrays the dynamics. 

If I were to present a show where Joe is Mary’s master, the audience would accept the premise. Of  course, the feminist mentality in all of us would challenge the producers with claims that the  relationship is setting back women’s independence by many years and there would be flack for allowing  the stereotype to be perpetuated, but no one would challenge the nature of the arrangement. The  audience would never challenge why Joe wants to be the dominant. They would even accept that Mary  is submissive. Dominance=masculinity…submission=femininity. 

But turn it around: Joe is Mary’s submissive. Suddenly, the audience will seek to find a rationale: WHY  does he want to be submissive? What is lacking from his masculinity? Is he “pussy-whipped”? Is he a  “mama’s boy” or Is he compensating for some childhood trauma? Is he looking for a release from the pressures of his otherwise dominant life? Furthermore, why would Mary want to be dominant? Is she a  radical feminist? Does she hate men? The audience will struggle figure out what’s driving these two to  make such a diversion. It’s viewed as “Role-Reversal” because the popular beliefs have been challenged. Gender bias is a huge obstacle. 

It’s also interesting that BDSM submission seems easier for the public to accept than dominance.  Dominance is viewed as the one “doing the doing”. This is the BDSM-mentality of doing things TO the  submissive. That’s the imagery. Under this assumption, people will “excuse” a submissive, by attributing  their acceptance as weakness in the presence of the power and persuasion of a determined dominant.  But the motivations of a dominant are immediately suspect and have no excuse. They are evil, power hungry Bond-villains, out to take over the world. They are psychotic sadists, who have to hurt to be whole. 

How does this change? How do we find BDSM relationships to be acceptable regardless of gender, and  be brought out from behind closed doors? How do we get to a point where submission and dominance are equally acceptable? 

I believe that a focus on D/s as the primary motivation for a couple, without the necessity of the imagery  of S&M and B&D, will begin to bridge acceptance. Establishing an emotional bond between two partners  in which one chooses to serve the other, will be more easily digested by the public. Most people have  felt the desire to serve another and most people will accept that allowing someone to serve you (who WANTS to serve you) can be a natural response. Most people will accept that you don’t have to be  psychotic to feel and desire consensual power dynamics. 

As we all know, B&D and S&M are OPTIONAL ACTIVITIES in a relationship with D/s power dynamics.  They are elected within the context of the power agreement. They will likely not be the only activities.  Portray this in the media, even though it’s much harder to do, and we will see a change in perception  and acceptance. Once the emotional bond is established in the minds of the viewers, they will accept it  as the motivation for any physical bondage that follows. So long as the D/s is the primary motivation,  the practices of B&D and S&M will be more readily acceptable and the public will not be dreaming up  more destructive rationale for the actions. And if they are not present at all, more people will be  exposed to, and understand, pure D/s dynamics…that can’t be a bad thing! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

D/s Protocols

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Being a kinkster is as unique as a random dot on a page. What do I mean by that? If you think of the world of kink as represented by a sheet of paper. On one axis you have the range of fetishes and on the  other axis you have the range of intensities. If I look at my world of kink, the fetishes I am into and you  look at the intensity level of my kink life, you will be able to put a coin about the size of a silver dollar  over my preferences somewhere on the page.  

Take protocols. In simple terms, a protocol is defined as “a system of rules that explain the correct  conduct and procedures to be followed in formal situations” I am not motivated to have my submissive  do tasks for the sake of doing tasks. And at the same time, our life, in a 24/7 TPE dynamic, we have a  number of protocols in our life. Some are simple, for example, when my submissive goes off to work,  she wears a butt plug as a way of keeping me with her, and she is required to send me a good morning  message with a picture of her ass, butt plug inserted. This is especially true for us after marking her, she  is required to send me pictures of her marks every day. That is a protocol. Something I have asked her to  do for me as a matter of routine. I never have to ask her to send me a picture of her marks, our protocol is  that she just does so after being marked as a matter of protocol. And she sends me a message via  WeMinder (which I will talk more about in a minute) that she completed her task or duty.  

There are other Dom’s who have similar but different protocols that they have designed for their  preferred lifestyle. I interviewed a Dom who has his sub wash him in the shower and then she kneels  with his towel presented to him as he steps out of the shower. It is a simple gesture of submission, and  similarly to my sub, his sub does so as a matter of protocol without being asked.  

Some dynamics are extremely high protocol. To the point that the sub has to have permission to do  anything, including go to the bathroom. The degree of how intense the protocol dynamics are depend  on the needs of the partners and they must determine what works for them.  

Even though my submissive is collared, and even though this is TPE and a 24/7 dynamic, we actually  have numerous protocols that we have chosen to live with. Before I say more about that, I want to talk  about an app called WeMinder. This is an app that we use to track the protocols we have in play. We  interviewed Mako, the developer of the app on our podcast, Kinky Cocktail Hour, that you can listen to here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/episodes/6206590.

Using this app, my submissive logs her  tasks and chores as she completes them, and it allows me to offer her feedback from praise to scolding,  and even punishment. She can also share her mood with me at any time and know instantly that I am  aware of how she is feeling. It’s a fantastic app for D/s couples who are protocol oriented. You can get  the app by visiting weminder.app and I recommend it highly and it’s very reasonably priced.  

When we engage in what we call “High Protocol” days, my submissive prepares for use the way she  normally does, she is a three hole slut and she is fully prepared for a prolonged scene. When she kneels for me, which is how she presents herself to be used, she offers up a cane for marking. Normally she  offers me her leash to attach to her collar, but in high protocol days, she gets chained with a heavy chain  before she is used and marked. During high protocol days, she is limited to being on all fours during play  and she is required to ask for cane strokes after her initial marking.  

Her tasks and chores are both designed to fulfill on her role as a service slut on one hand and on her  sexual submission inside of a sex forward, kink forward dynamic. Our daily maintenance spanking scene is a protocol. When I get into bed in the evening, she puts her head on my chest and cups my balls while  we talk about our day and the final act of our dynamic that lives in the world of protocol is that when it’s  time, she rolls over and we spoon and I take hold her breast, holding her close as we fall asleep. My  point is that start to finish, our days are filled with protocols. We divide the protocols into two broad  categories: Tasks and Chores. Tasks are things I might randomly task her with doing and that might be as  different as having her masturbate with the Hitachi every 30 minutes, or to do certain routine things for  me such as sending me a picture of her marks. Chores related to her duties around the house.  

Protocols live in the world of agreements. On one hand they are designed to give structure to the  dynamic and on the other, they are a natural evolution of a power exchange. My preference is to have  the protocols occur because they fulfill her desires, so to implement a new protocol, we talk about it  first, and I enroll her in the possibility that the protocol creates and then she does what I have requested  but she does so because it is what she wants to do.  

There is a very wide range of protocol implementation strategies in kink. It can be a very minor part of  your dynamic if that is what you prefer, or it can be the entirety of your dynamic if that is what you  prefer. I am going to make the observation that even in vanilla relationships there are protocols. For  instance when I was married, my ex-wife used to bring me coffee on a Sunday morning while I watched  soccer in bed. I came to expect this and it occurred routinely for years. I never asked her to do this, she  just started doing this small thing for me that made our lives more manageable. The way that that small  act occurred was that it was a loving action that made me feel appreciated even for just that moment. It  was indeed a protocol that existed during my vanilla marriage. My point is that spoken or unspoken we  operate with protocols all around us, the difference is that in a kink context, communication is the key  difference. A protocol is an agreement to do x or y, which requires that the Dom and sub are in  communication.  

Being in a dynamic is a power exchange. The sub surrenders his or her power to their Dom and then it is  up to the Dom to exercise that power appropriately. The sub wants to please. It is through protocols  that the Dom communicates to the sub what is expected and required for that behavior to land as  “pleasing” to the Dom. The sub knows where they stand. They know what is needed and expected. If  they are committed to the dynamic, then they will fulfill the protocols. If there is space or distance  and the protocols start to break down, then it gives the Dom something to address to get at the root of the upset.  

I keep making this point: our kink is really communication. We talk about our dynamic almost every day.  We plan, revisit, debrief, dream, vision share, and so on. The reason our protocols are in place is  because we have made a series of agreements around our dynamic.  

A good place to start is to sit down facing each other and do this drill. One partner asks the other partner  what they want done to them and then asks what they want to do to you, and then switch roles. Take  notes and then use those notes to talk about each of those ideas and make agreements about those  that make sense to you to implement into your dynamic.  

A D/s power exchange works best for all concerned when the communication is clean. We have a  commitment to each other to allow no space between us. We are each responsible for keeping that  structure in our dynamic and we have found, as will you, that the use of protocols keeps the dynamic humming along.

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground 

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Introducing WeMinder – Kinky Cocktail Hour
In this episode, Lady Petra and SafferMaster chat with Mako, the developer of a new killer app for kinksters called “WeMinder” that enhances communication on both sides of the slash in any D/s dynamic. Over an Elderflower Martini. You can find the…
Buzzsprout

Above is a link to their podcast!