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Is Age Merely A Number?

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Finally, a question and answer that will NOT mention the C-Word. (Covid.) Oops, I slipped. Well, just once is pretty good!So, here it is (got there pretty quick, eh?)

Reader: My new sub is quite a bit younger than I am… by 25 years, in fact. We met online and immediately hit it off, and have moved into a RL relationship with flying colors so far. But I’m concerned about how our age difference might impact our relationship, mutual friendships and our play life. Any advice?

You sure picked the right Dom to ask this question to. My last collared, live-in slave was more – believe it or not – than thirty years younger than me. (Dexx can vouch for that!) As I recently released her, after more than eleven years together, I guess that makes me an “expert” on Master/slave relationships with extreme age disparities. One thing I have learned — there are both pros and cons in this situation. So, first let’s first examine the pros!One big advantage of age is experience.

Since you are more knowledgeable, BDSM-wise, than your submissive, you have already put a positive spin on your relationship. Even with just a few years head start, you will be able to dazzle your submissive with techniques that are only mastered over time. In fact, he/she might have chosen you because of your BDSM skills. I know many D/s couples where the age difference is cast in an exclusively positive light. “He is so much more experienced than I am.” “I learn so much about BDSM from my Master.” “I would never trust a Dom without him having many more years in the lifestyle than me.” These are the types of quotes I have heard, time and time again.

Believe me, your situation might raise eyebrows in the vanilla world. (“Is she your daughter?”) Here in our community, I have seen even greater age differences than mine and hardly an eyebrow (with a piercing!) was raised!Another reason this situation can work out so well in our lifestyle is that the older Dom/me likely has a large play and toy selection to keep his submissive happy! One reason so many vanilla May/December marriages die (or where the younger wife cheats!) is that the older man just simply can’t keep up with his younger wife – or compete with a younger man to satisfy her. Sadly, this is an unavoidable circumstance in the “sex-only–based” vanilla world. But, in our BDSM world, you have all sorts of play options that can keep your submissive flying, even if you can’t keep it up like a twenty year old.

For example, a long flogging session will excite a submissive more than any vanilla foreplay can. And, you can even put the submissive into sub-space – without any sex at all. Add sex into the mix, wow! No wonder the myth of submissives having a secret “Dom/me on the side” is less myth than fact. The appeal of a skilled Dominant to a submissive can never be underestimated. Since your younger partner is your sub, I see no reason why you cannot use your expertise to keep her enthralled for years. And, if you add a little Cialis, with the four-hour erection, into a long BDSM play session, your partner won’t be wanting for anything. Better living through floggers and chemistry!

However, there is one aspect to an age difference that can make it a more serious problem than many other issues — it is, by definition, irreversible. No Master or Mistress, no matter how skilled, can change that fact. Thus, to say age is never a factor would be wrong. In my case, my slave wanted kids; I did not. The fact that she wanted to have children while still in her early/mid thirties was not something that could be changed by order of the Master.

The biological clock is the biological clock. One must respect that. Another problem is the inevitable intrusion of the vanilla world into your realm. You have to be able to ignore the slings and arrows of disapproving peers. That it is often borne of jealousy does not make this scorn any less hurtful. I would basically ignore anything negative, especially from strangers. The fact that my relationship lasted almost twelve years is proof that it can be done.

Remember, if you use the positive aspects of your age and experience to your advantage, you will be fine. Judging by the number of May/December D/s couples I see, age will be the least of your worries!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

This week in kink: October 11, 2021

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Don’t miss the finale of “Documentary BDSM Adventure” with Rory Knox!

Click below to learn more from Xbiz!

Want to learn more about medical fetishism?

Then, check out this awesome article from Paper!

Inside the World of Medical Fetishism – PAPER (papermag.com)

Don’t miss this riveting article about Mary Brennan, a former Pro Domme and her experiences in the BDSM world!

Click below to find out more from nzherald!

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Erotica: The Center Of The Circus

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I am a quiet and well-behaved slave.  This is especially true in public.  I do not speak beyond what is required of me as a hostess or unless directly addressed.  I stay as close to Master’s side as possible while still fulfilling the tasks he has set forth when we have guests.  I work to negotiate for Master when newer individuals get on the table, clean up between bottoms (and after the festivities), and I make sure Master is fed and hydrated.  I monitor the unattached bottoms who visit, and I have my own gaggle of littles that I babysit.

While I am often busy keeping everything running smoothly, Master is often busy introducing individuals to electroplay.

To say we rarely get play time at a public event is an understatement.  And when we do, it is reserved for the end of the night.  Considering how much Sadomasochism is in our play, there are two factors we must consider.

Factor number one is Master’s energy level.  He plays with twenty to thirty people prior to me.  While more than half of the scenes are under 15 minutes, the up and down of the endorphins and adrenaline wears Him down considerably.

Factor number two is how many people, at the party, are new.  It seems like an odd thing to factor into our play, doesn’t it?  Theoretically, the only people who matter in a scene are the participants.  But, in the real world, that is not the case.   

We play rough.  We play heavy.  I have yet to safeword.  And it scares people.

So, if we do scene, it is always at the end of the night, when most of the new people have left.

We play late to protect ourselves.

But, when we do, we become the center of our own circus.

Master thrives on the crowd.  It is as though he absorbs the energy put out by them and channels it into his implements.  I am sure I have seen his eyes glow from that same energy.

So, sit back, boys and girls, and let me tell you the story of a Sadistic Ringmaster.

I have been watching you for hours Sir.  Over and over, men and women willingly put themselves on your table and cross.  I watch your eyes light up with pleasure and the sinister smile slowly take over.  Your creativity is beyond bounds.  I have yet to see the same scene twice, even with tastings.

I never know quite what to expect.  We have never played in public before Sir and my nerves are getting the best of me.  You’ve told me that it was my choice to play or not.  I know you want me up there, but I also know you will stand by your word.

It has taken most of the night, but I am ready to do this.

I can hear the shouts of the one in front of me.  He is a masochist that I have seen you play with him before.  He likes it hard and fast.  I can tell, even from here, that he will have welts for a couple of days.  I find it amusing when he climbs the cross.  For being cuffed, he is quite flexible.

I wait until you have stepped away and the cross is empty.  I see you cleaning everything you used.  My stomach is in my throat, and I am struggling to find my voice.

I silently move to cross, standing slightly behind you to your left.  I wait patiently for you to acknowledge me.  It takes a few minutes.  I wonder briefly if you have left me waiting on purpose, just to fuck with me.  

“Hello, sweetie.”

“Hi Sir.”

“Is everything alright?”  You turn to face me completely.  Your hand rests on my shoulder and you give it a soft squeeze.

“Yes, Sir.”  Deep Breath.  “Will you flog me on the cross?”  My insides are shaking.  Why is it so hard to do this in public?

You raise an eyebrow.  Without hesitation, you tell me to step up to the cross.  I stand there for a minute, waiting.  I see you grab the first toy and I get a very wicked idea.

“Are you ready?” You ask.

“Don’t you want to tie me up Sir?”  

I see you smile.  The game has begun.

My shoulders are tense.  This is very new to me.  Here I am, cuffed to the cross, in just my panties, waiting for what will happen next.

This is the easy part.  I know better than to look.  I won’t know the implement until you use it.  How many do you think I can guess right?

Your body presses against my back.  Your hand curves around my neck, but no pressure is applied.  “Are you ready?”

Deep, shuddering breath.  “Yes, Sir.”

“Safe word?”

“Red for stop. Yellow for check-in.”

“Good girl.”

With that, you step back.  My body shivers in anticipation.  

The first strike of the flogger hurts.  I must force my shoulders to relax.  I know that the more tense I am, the more I could hurt myself.

My eyes close as you find your rhythm.  There is a steady heat building under my skin.  This isn’t so bad.  If I keep my eyes closed, I can forget everyone else is there.  I feel you pause every so often.  Sometimes your hands touch my skin and sometimes you switch the implements.  The floggers are steadily getting stingier.  

The room has fallen silent.  Or, at least, I cannot hear them anymore.  There is only white noise in my ears now.  My head feels like it is swimming.  My eyelids are heavy.  My mouth feels glued shut.  Even at the increasing pain, I have no drive to stop you.

Then there is a long pause.

I rest my forehead to the cool wood of the cross.  I steady my breathing and wait.  I can hear the murmurs of the people again, but I find I care far less now than I did at the start.

I don’t know how long you left me waiting.  Even with my eyes closed, I can feel your presence.  

Then, you shocked me.

Without any warning, I felt a firm whack to my ass.  It’s the paddle.

Fuck.  I hate those.

My eyes pop open, and my hands wrap around the chains holding me in place. “Fuuhhck.”

I hear you laugh.  It’s a dark and rich sound that cuts through the static.

Two.

Three.

Then you change it up again.

It’s always in threes.

I have lost count of the number of implements.  This is far from the flogging I initially asked for.  Then again, you have blanket consent to do as you please with this body.  And you never cease to surprise me.

Somewhere in between the paddles, you check in with me.  I know you expect me to be honest.  My body feels warm and on fire.  I feel invincible.

You ask me how I am doing.  

I turn my head until our eyes meet.  My answer shocks you.  “Is that all you’ve got, Magick?”  There is no Sir or Master.  I am challenging your reputation.  

Bring.

It.

On.

Master.

The gasp of the crowd cuts through the static.  I hear a lone voice warning me not to say that.  But it isn’t you.  

Our eyes stay locked for several moments.  You smile wide.  I think I have provoked the Dragon.

Well, there is no turning back now.

I break the eye contact, turning back to the cross, dropping my head, and baring my neck.

What have I done?

The room is silent.  I can feel the eyes of everyone on us.  I think I have shocked them Sir.  

Without warning, I feel something thin and stingy hit my ass.  Ow.  We just went from a 3 or 4 to a 7 on the pain scale.  I breathe deep.  This is what I asked for.

My eyes stay closed, and I scrunch up my face as I breathe through the pain.  This is what I was looking for Sir.  I wanted to see your Sadistic side.  I wanted to trigger the same intensity you give the other masochists.  I wanted you to use me without fear.

The strikes no longer come in threes, nor do they have the same rhythm.  I can tell you are still in control, but you want me to feel each strike.  Without a steady pattern, I cannot zone out.  I cannot sink into the sweet oblivion of sub space.

And you know it.

I lose track of time so easily under your touch.  I don’t know how long we have been at this.  My legs are starting to feel weak.  My ass feels as though it is on fire.  The only thing holding me up at this point is the tight grip I have on the chains.  

I am not ready for this to end.  I refuse to give after I issued a challenge.

I finally hear your voice, soft and gruff in my ear.  “How are you holding up?”

“Good, Sir.”

Your hand rests on the back of my neck.  It feels hot.

You step away and I mewl at the loss.

One.  

That one takes my breath away.  It was solid enough that I felt my body would go through the wall with the force.

Two.

Jesus Christ that hurt.  Whatever that was has me nearly biting through my tongue.

Three.  I have finally climbed the cross.  This is the devil.  I cannot feel the back of my thighs anymore.  What on Earth did you use, Sir?

My body sags.  I grit my teeth and lean against the wood.  I am near my breaking point.  But I do not want to stop Sir.  I want you to know I can take anything you are willing to give.  I cannot stop this.  I won’t.

I feel you against my back again.  Your body is solid as you pull me against you.  My head drops back onto your shoulder.  Your hands wrap around my torso and climb up to my nipples.  Your fingers tweak them, tugging and pulling.  All I can do is gasp.  There is so much pain on my backside and the combination of pain and pleasure from my nipples is going to drop me right here.  You tug them upward and bring me to my tip toes.

“You look so pretty when you climb the cross.”

I let out a soft gwaff.  I don’t even have the energy to laugh right now.

You let go of my nipples and your arms holds my waist to keep me upright.  “How are you pet?”

“I…I” Deep breath.  “I…am good Sir.”  I exhale loudly.  “May I have some water before we continue?”

“Let’s get you down pet and then I will get you some water.” 

“No, Sir.  Please.  We can continue.”

“Shh.  You have done well pet.”  I hear you ask someone to help undo the restraints.  

Once my arms are free, they drop heavily to my side.  I turn around in your embrace and rest my head on your chest.  I feel very floaty Sir, almost drunk.

And very sore.

All I can think is Thank you, Master.  That was one hell of a ride.

That was the first of many public play sessions.  When he finished checking on me, I can proudly tell you that I not only walked away from the cross on my own two feet, I went back to hosting duties after.  I was on a high for several days.  It also brought about one of the longest (and lowest) sub drops I had ever experienced.

I asked what those last three toys were.  The thick one that thudded (and felt like I would go through the floor) was a length of a fire hose.  For future reference, it has physically knocked me off a spanking bench and has quite the power behind it.  

The second toy (the sting that made me curse very loudly) was a length of weather stripping.  It is very, very painful.  It leaves wonderful marks.

The last (which made me climb the cross) is a serpentine belt.  It is my favorite toy (and has been since that day).  I learned during that session that the belt corners should be sanded down.  We ended up drawing blood on my thigh and it left a mark for nearly three months.  We honestly thought it would scar.

Please understand that our dynamic is a Total Power Exchange with blanket consent.  While I asked for a flogging for this scene, he decided to push my limits.  I wouldn’t change anything about this scene.  

That includes challenging him.

No one else has the balls to do that.  No one will go head-to-head with Master.  That’s what makes me special.  That is why I have the honor of wearing his collar.  He says I keep surprising him.

As I said at the beginning, I am generally a quiet and well-behaved slave.  But, when the lights come up and the Circus tents open, I get to challenge the Ringmaster at his own game.

And it keeps everyone coming back for more.

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

This week in kink: October 4, 2021

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Don’t miss SF’s Folsom Street Fair! Learn more from SF gate!

Discover why Trevor Bauer’s actions were unacceptable according to the BDSM community!

Click below to find out more from Sports Illustrated!

New to kink?

Then, check out this great article on how to get started from HelloGiggles!

Click below to read more!

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”


Why Humiliation Is Exciting To Many

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

I’ve participated in a lot of discussions regarding the use of humiliation and degradation within power  dynamics. Many consider the fact that many submissives enjoy being humiliated or degraded as being a paradox. I don’t see it as a paradox, I see it as a very rational, and expected, reaction. Here’s why: 

I tend to think most people who enjoy humiliation, don’t enjoy humiliation itself, but LOVE being  humiliated. In other words, it’s the fact that someone else is deliberately humiliating them that gets the chemicals flowing. 

I’ve talked about it before – I believe that there is a process of rationalization whenever we willingly and  voluntarily accept something from a partner that isn’t what we normally would desire. We must justify,  to ourselves, why would allow this to happen to us. This is true when a sub is punished, or “tortured”  (non-abusive), or required to do chores, follow protocols, or any number of other things. The fact that  power dynamics are consensual, leaves out abusive / truly-forced reasons – leaving only the rationale  that the dominant has the authority to inflict this upon the submissive – and, upon accepting that  authority, leaving the submissive feeling “helpless” to resist. 

So, voluntarily accepting something from a dominant that we normally would not accept, triggers a  feeling of being under the dominant’s control and authority. That’s something subs want. That’s  something that makes their submission feel more real. Subs don’t have to enjoy the activity – but they  absolutely enjoy feeling the dominant’s authority. 

This is behind my assertion that punishments always reward submissives…even if the punishment is  something that they hate…and that people who think that you need to make the punishment severe  enough for the sub to change their behavior to avoid it, are fooling themselves. The more the  submissive dislikes the activity they feel compelled to allow, the more “real” the authority feels and the  more titillating the experience. See my previous article entitled, “Punishment Is Always a Reward” in  Kinkweekly, for a more in-depth discussion regarding punishments. 

Humiliation is something most of us would try to avoid. It’s not a pleasant experience. But if a sub allows  a dominant to humiliate them, they stimulate the feeling of submissiveness and powerlessness under  the authority of the dominant. It promotes the dominant to a more powerful position in their mind,  which is arousing and enjoyable. 

There is a Yin to that Yang: Dominants are afforded the opposite end of that rationalization: They know  that the submissive would normally avoid humiliating situations. However, they are not only allowing  themselves to be humiliated, they’re do voluntarily within the context of their power dynamic. The  rationalization that the dominant must have the authority to levy the punishment, supports the  dominant’s feeling of control and power. Humiliation becomes a playful experience. How much can a  dominant push a submissive? How far does that rationalized-authority extend? 

In this light, it’s obvious why humiliation is desirable – and what the submissive and dominant may gain  from it. It’s not a paradox at all. It makes complete sense!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

5 Things a Love of BDSM Says about Your Relationship

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BDSM is slowly gaining popularity, both among the young and old. But did you know that BDSM sex preferences speak volumes concerning your relationship? Check this out.

Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, & Masochism.

Couples are getting kinkier in 2021 and exploring sex preferences that would be considered taboo back in the good old days. We’ve covered so much about BDSM in other articles, but it appears as though we need a little bit more social proof.

A lot of couples fear getting their hands on BDSM. Some even dread the thought of breaching such a topic with their lovers. That says a lot about the kind of communication you have with your partner. For a long time, scientists and researchers have viewed BDSM participants as pathological, perverts, or abused victims who lack control. But that could not be further from the truth. Research now shows plenty of benefits of BDSM sex preferences as well as an increase in the practices. Moreover, those who engage appear to have their lives ‘in order’ and are not ‘disturbed.’

If anything, more husbands are willing to lose control of their wives and submit to each other’s desires. Indeed, more people are developing a keen interest in BDSM sex preferences, especially after popularizing Fifty Shades of Grey.

But wait, there is more. After consulting sex therapists and relationship experts from the best online dating sites, we found plenty of benefits to the health of your budding relationship. Here are a couple of expert thoughts on what different sex preferences say about you and your lover.

Buckle up; it’s about to get real bumpy.

1. Kinky Sex Preferences Portray Higher Levels of EQ

You’ll need a competitive level of IQ to survive in the marketplace. However, you may need all the EQ you can amass to keep your relationship going. Higher levels of emotional intelligence put you in a better position to handle other people’s frustrations better. BDSM sex preferences in relationships denote a ton of maturity in handling your relations.

2. The Audacity to Explore

Marriage counselors often have to deal with this issue – “she is not attractive anymore,” or “he does not satisfy me as he used to.”

Familiarity has a way of breeding contempt even among the closest of lovers. Routine becomes boring since it brings familiarity. Some couples explore sex preferences based on zodiac signs, while others try something different each week. BDSM shows you’re bold enough to explore the bounds of your horizon. Remember the basic rules if you’re new to BDSM sex preferences.

3. Open Channels of Communication

BDSM is all about losing one’s self to another. It entails submission and domination, all of which are hard elements in day-to-day life. We always want to control everything, from our finances to our health, family, social lives, and everything. Losing control becomes a new feeling for a lot of couples. Communicating that and going the extra mile to set boundaries is even more challenging. But partners who have gone the extra mile often find it easier to resolve other difficulties in their relationships once they explore unconventional sex preferences.

4. You Don’t Give a Darn What Others Say

Your sex preferences speak volumes about how you relate with your spouse and how you connect with the outside world. More conservative people are less likely to explore untypical sex preferences for fear of society’s perception. But such worries are rational at times.

Sex in ancient times was used ritualistically in most religions. We can get hints of how the ancients prized and valued sex from written scripts such as Kamasutra. The Ancient Greek culture probably borrowed BDSM sex practices from the Eastern Mesopotamian Empire. Mesopotamians embraced BDSM and temple sex with goddess Inanna as their justification. They believed such techniques would invoke the goddess of fertility and rebirth. These sex preferences would be followed by sacrificial worship and indulgence in orgies.

In the 21st  сentury, we still practice the same sex preferences more openly, but without the typical ritualistic sacrifices. From that short history, anything deviating from the vanilla couples type of sex has been viewed as ‘odd’ and, at times, a perversion.

Going outside the traditional view of sex preferences portrays boldness and a profound level of intimacy not defined by ‘others.’

That makes us curious, what are your sex preferences? Do let us know in the comment section below.

5. You are Fond of Creativity

Open-mindedness is a fundamental feature for most BDSM couples. Vanilla couples who explore BDSM sex preferences are generally creative. They invent new ways of doing things and get bored with repetition. BDSM can be pretty intimidating to a partner who is content with the usual. That’s why it’s imperative to understand just how much both of you are willing to do in the name of ‘creativity.’

Concluding Remarks

BDSM is more or less similar to saying, “I do!” This kind of consent requires deliberate premeditation about the risks and the intensity of BDSM. You may enjoy a little bit of pain, but that may be a turn-off to your partner. Have genuine communications upfront and research the limits of these sex preferences. We recommend that couples develop a sex preferences questionnaire to understand each other’s fantasies better.

That said, are you ready to experiment outside reality with BDSM sexual preferences?

Davis is a marriage and family therapist. She has worked in a variety of therapeutic settings over the past 7 years providing services to children, adults, families, and couples. She is currently doing specific research on the topic. Miranda loves traveling and hiking.

BDSM Safety Tips

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Ordinarily, I would throw this question into the cylindrical file from whence it came.  It – or some version thereof – had been answered many times before on kinkweekly.  But with the year off due to Covid, and generally less play spaces to keep you at the top of your game, I thought it prudent to take another stab at a safety question. After all, in this new reality, you can never been too careful. I might add, from personal experience, that when I returned to play I forgot aftercare – something  would never have done pre-pandemic.  And so, the following question.

Reader: Recently, my online kink group has been discussing what to do if something goes wrong or a pre-condition manifests itself during a scene. This kind of safety concern is beyond the usual.  So how can you prepare for every eventuality? (My adding: especially in this corona virus era.)

To start, a disclaimer: “It is impossible to prepare for every eventuality.”  If I could do this, I would be working for the President eliminating Covid immediately.  But seriously…regarding medical pre-conditions — there isn’t a list specifically geared to BDSM that you could read and sign before you entered a play space.  Even if there were, who would want to feel like they were visiting a dentist and filling out the medical questionnaire?  (Are you allergic to penicillin?)  But I think an over-arching question – “you don’t have a heart condition or asthma?” –  might open a productive dialogue between first-time players.  Thus one should be aware of any pre-conditions that could be a threat.  With Covid lurking around, one should at least take your partner’s temperature prior to play.  Being vaccinated – no matter what your views on vaccines – is not enough when it comes to dungeon play with many people around.  So buy a ten dollar thermometer and put it in your toy bag.  We do not know how flogging – for example – affects the virus; just be vigilant and if you see the bottom breaking out in a cold sweat it is time to stop play and take his/her temperature again.

Now onto safe words.  Although “safe words are not the end-all and be-all to safety,” they are definitely better than anything that comes in second.  The trick to using safe words effectively (and this seemingly obvious bit of advice might be extremely valuable to you).  Although the standard safe word is “red,” many people try to pick out their own personal safe word.  The “New Guard” wants style.  “Paga”” might be a cool safe word for Goreans, but when panic time sets in and the mind starts spinning, these words might not be at the tip of the tongue.  “Red” works for stop signs.  “Red” works for scenes.  Forget using trendy new safe words.  Use “red.”

I also advocate the use of a safe signal.  When you use a ball gag in a scene, the bottom –unless he/she is a ventriloquist — cannot give a safe word.  So agree on a safe signal based on what type of scene you are doing.  A great one is a shaking of the head continuously left to right — like a “no” signal.  This is unmistakable, and does not require the hands, which might be bound.  Between safe words and safe signals, you have increased safety a hundred fold.

Most BDSM writers always talk about a “safe call.”  In this case the old expression –  “after all is said and done, more is said than done” —  is applicable.  Most people never use the safe call procedure.  But if used properly, safe calls are really good tools – especially when you play for the first time with someone you hardly know.  In this age of the cell phone, it is really easy to have someone waiting for your call to see if all is well – and to arrange for any contingency plans should help be required.

Another safety key is…not playing with unsafe players!  Sometimes there are players who have gained a reputation for being unsafe; most times these reputations — if they are widespread and repeated by respected members of the community — have some basis in fact.  Stay away.  But there are other red flags.  When playing for the first time, a big red flag is when the Top says, “I never allow a safe word.”  They might rationalize it by saying something like, “I am into TPE and do not believe in safe words.”  Well, many in TPE relationships do eschew the safe word.  But this only happens after a relationship is established; eliminating the safe word is generally negotiated after playing for awhile.  Anyone who says “no safe words” right out of the box really hasn’t got a clue.

As for the scene itself, the oft-repeated advice of planning a scene in advance will add to the safety of it.  Some scenes are pretty safe in and of themselves — an interrogation scene, for example.  Others — such as mummification or breath play — are much more dangerous.  Make sure the skill level of the Dominant (as he/she is in control) matches the danger quotient (D.Q.) of the scene being attempted.  And though much of what I outlined here has been discussed before, there is nothing wrong in stating the obvious if it can save you a trip to the hospital. Remember, “Safety isn’t everything, it’s the only thing!” 

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Fantasy vs. Reality-Heavy and Experimental Play

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hot Domme in leather
via stock.adobe.com

YIPEEEE!!!!! We made it into the room where all the fun stuff begins and there is SO MUCH OF IT!!!!! 

I get it, I was there too once upon a time. The possibilities SEEM endless and for most folks imaginations, they are. Emphasis on imagination. It is fun to think of all the kinky scenes we can design or be a part of. Why not stretch our imagination? I do for sure! 

Imagination, fantasy, is not a problem. It spurs us to be more creative, think of new and exciting ways to turn each other into pretzels, and is just plain HAWT! 

Where the issues begin is not matching our fantasies, with reality. Or more accurately not being able to distinguish between the two. Some people want to implement play that would be highly dangerous even for the most experienced players. I believe this comes mostly from a place of naivete. Where they have not learned enough to even ask the right questions yet……. and/or perhaps a bit of frenzy mixed in. Yes, frenzy happens to tops also. Then there are the nutters like me.

Whatever category you fall into, dreams have their place, but they can also be dangerous if taken too far. How do we distinguish between those fantasies and reality? A cool idea vs. an actionable scene.

  • The First Stop Sign

Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) has been part of kink culture since the 80’s, Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) the 90’s, and more recently Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink (PRICK…. No not that one…. eyes front). 

Consent, being the commonality in all three.

We may have this amazing idea for a new predicament bondage rig using a wagon wheel and a charged firehose; a suspension involving two bull elephants and an East Indian Mahout; or better yet melting overhead blocks of ice containing daggers that drip icy cold droplets on our slave in between the thunks of many Gerber Mark IIs burying themselves in the plywood beside them one after another as the warm breeze from my heat gun melts it all away. None of that matters if someone is not willing to say yes.

We can dream all we like, but if multiple people are saying no, and even hell no; perhaps our image of using 300-pound sheets of sugar glass to sandwich our submissive over an ant hill may not be such a brilliant idea. (I originally wrote “hot” instead of brilliant, but the hot sun is part of the scene so…. yeah there’s that.)

One last note on consent and heavy/experimental play. If the particular scene is going to happen in a place we do not personally own, we should run it by the owners of the venue first. There is not much worse than the fantasy finally coming to fruition and having a giant pile of, “NOPE!,” dropped on it by a DM or the owners themselves mid-scene. Get their consent and rig your play area accordingly to prevent interruptions.

  • The Second Stop Sign

Feasible. Has what we want to attempt been done before and by whom? (I saw Cirque De Soleil do it!)

What skills does it take to pull it off? 

Sure, as evidenced above I can come up with some off-the-wall shenanigans. If I have not developed the associated skills to do it reasonably safely then attempting the feat would be pointless. Like racing the 24 Hours at Le Mans in a Prius. Of course, what is within reason for one person, will not be the same for someone else.

I know most of what we do is not “safe,” really, I do. But having the skills to do what we are conjuring up, matters if we are planning on attempting it. Especially when it comes to preventing bad things from happening, and everybody having a good time.

I am not a fan of seriously damaging people or prison, and hopefully you are not either. So winging it….probably not a good plan. 

  • Yet Another Red Octagon bearing, “ALTO!”

Risks involving heavy/experimental play. What are they and can we mitigate them? If something does go badly, we want the negative impact to be as minimal as possible to all involved.

How can we alter our idea or put protective measures in place to lessen risks? Often that comes down to our creativity and getting help. Other folks in kink can help us identify what we need to do in order to create a better outcome. USE THEM! I do. If I come up with some crazy hairbrained scheme one of the first things I do is run it by someone else. They tell me I’m nuts and to go fuck myself….. then we have a lengthy conversation involving a lot of what ifs.

For the risks involved, do I have the skill to respond to the corresponding injuries or issues that may arise? Can I learn them? If not is there someone who can be present who does? We do not always have to be the person who knows and can do everything. However, where we have gaps, it helps to have people present who know the things we do not. 

Once you’ve assessed the risks, and talked them over with your bottom, there needs to be a real gut check for all involved. Ask the question, “Is it worth the risk?” If both of you say yes, then so be it. If one of you hesitates or says no….. it’s probably time to go back to the drawing board. (I find crayons helpful…. the colors keep things organized. And besides, who doesn’t like crayons?)

  • The Consequences

After all the planning, risk mitigation, negotiations, and discussions we must come to terms with the potential consequences. What are they and can we live with them if it does not go as planned?

Not always an easy question to answer but really, this part is no more complicated than that. 

Answer the question honestly. It does no good to lie to ourselves.

  • Ways to Help Make our Outrageous Fantasies….Kinda Sorta Come True

Get Help – Aside from having the skill, a willing and knowledgeable bottom, and measures in place, one of the best resources we have for carrying out a new-fangled adventure is another well experienced top or bottom. Someone to help us plan and evaluate; a person who can be in the room/venue who is keeping tabs on our bottom, us, and the situation as a whole; a sounding board to help keep us in check. When we do new things which are risky (well riskier than our normal), we often cannot see the forest because of the trees. Having that additional set of eyes becomes invaluable.

Break it Down- If the whole of the idea does not work together, perhaps pieces and parts can work separately until we are confident enough to launch the whole rocket at once. Even NASA experiments in stages, one piece at a time. Practicing and becoming proficient in one element, then adding another gives us a methodical way to build skill and confidence. It may take a lot longer to get to the final goal, but chances are you will be more successful.

Change it Up- What if I changed my dagger scenario from real ones to fake ones? Or used a blindfold and replaced the ice blocks with daggers my bottom observed being suspended with blocks containing golf ball sized rocks? We may not be able to do something exactly how we dreamt, but we can modify the thought into something more manageable. Let those creative juices out not just thinking of a new torture, but also solving the pending problems accompanying it.

Slight of Hand- Simulation, slight of hand, or any manner of tom foolery can help us get the effect we desire without doing exactly what we concocted whilst counting sheep and drooling on a pillow. We can set a scene one way, put a blind fold on our bottom and remove or modify the most dangerous elements. The fear/anticipation peak will likely still linger, even though we have mitigated some of the actual danger. (pssst….. mobile platforms, turn tables, and rotating walls are great for this….set two scenes one hidden and one not…. Then move your bottom accordingly 😊)

Just Dream- Some things, no matter how much we wish it, simply should not happen. That does not mean it’s gone forever; we can still talk about it. Maybe weave the fantasy into a hot dialogue during another activity to get our bottom all revved up. Tease them with the thought of it in the middle of the day via a text from work. Turn it into a hot erotic story the two of you take turns writing in a journal. Who knows, maybe they will help you game out something just as fun…. But much more doable. 

  • To Dream the Impossible Dream

Dreams are not stupid. They are budding possibilities and have driven some of the most amazing advances mankind has ever seen. Sometimes though, they should stay where they were born, in our heads. Like the Hindenburg or Return of the Living Dead Part II. (No, you horror movie freaks….it really was that bad!)

Sometimes we just need to think about our dreams differently, like using Helium instead of Hydrogen. You were flexibly minded enough to come up with the original idea…. Keep thinking, all may not be lost.

Through all of it remember we need to consider consent, feasibility, skill, resources, risks, and the consequences. Really think things through. We want this to be a phenomenal experience which will not happen if one of our elephants walks away for want of a wrangler or we drop a wagon wheel on a bare foot.

Taking a long time to plan something may take the wind out of our sails sometimes. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. If it’s that hard to pull off, we probably are not ready for it, yet. Break out the crayons.

Like everything else we do in kink, there is a balance point where things just work. Maybe we’ll find it, maybe we won’t. But for certain we will learn something along the way while scheming out our latest kinky brain bonanza.

Keep dreaming……. Our wild ideas have a place in kink too.