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The BDSM Vetting Process

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When we have the potential for a new relationship, we generally experience a sensation called New Relationship Energy (NRE).  This essentially blinds us to the character flaws of our partner and often makes them the center of our world, regardless of if we are monogamous or not.  It also impedes our communication skills.  NRE allows us to take what our partner says as fact, ignore the red flags, and skim over the vetting process.

At least, it does for those of us who still vet.

When I started in the community sixteen years ago, vetting was very much an important step to entering a dynamic.  This was especially true with the growth of the internet.  With the potential of thousands of possibilities, you had to wade your way through the chaos, and sort potentials into a few categories.

Category 1) Hell No. 

Category 2) Not my Kink (this is basically my kink profile and your kink profile do not match)

Category 3) Maybe (meaning I need to investigate this further)

Category 4) I would like to get to know you

Obviously, people moved from one category to the next as the process continues.  It makes it very hard to vet someone in my Category 4 if I am in their category 1.  

So, what is vetting?

Vetting is, according to the dictionary, to “make a careful and critical examination of (something)”.  

I’m going to be honest…that is a very broad term.  It is also extremely vague.  When I first read it, I imagined a person laid out on a table and I carefully and meticulously examined them with a magnifying glass.  Then I laughed a bit at the absurdity of my thoughts.

Vetting is essentially getting to know someone and make an informed decision about whether they are honest or not.

I have always preferred to get to know someone without the kinks first.  I need to know that I can enjoy your company in a vanilla setting as well as a kinky one.  Even though I live 24/7, it is not an endless dream of whips and chains.  It involves chores to keep the house running, work to keep a roof over our head, postponement of my needs to serve my partners, and a whole lot of cuddling.  If I cannot tolerate you in that part of my life, then all the kinks/skills in the world would not change our incompatibility.

There are a few ways to start the vetting process.

  1. First, I would look through their online persona.  If you have them across platforms, see if their posts and/or their style of writings are consistent.  You can evaluate how ever you like.  For me, are all their posts angry or blaming people for things?  Do our politics match up or do they at least seem tolerant of other viewpoints?  DO they act thirsty with every man or woman they are attracted to?  
  2. Talk to previous play partners or the community.  Honestly speaking, I usually skip this step.  I have always been in a small kink community and that often leads to skewed answers.  It is perfectly fine if you choose to not pursue person X because person Y said they were bad news.  I know that for some individuals, this has been tremendously helpful.  

However, I have also seen the opposite.  In fact, my own dynamic with Master has fed the rumour mill.  Did you know I am always in trouble?  Apparently so.  Those long-lasting marks could never actually be the result of pleasure (*gasp* Shocking, I know).  Did you know that I am too bull-headed to be submissive?  Obviously, I must be extremely unsatisfying to my Dominant.  

I am, and always have been, an open book.  You want to know something, ask.  I have never had an issue with that.  Its when people add their own spin to the story, after I have given my answer, that makes me cringe.  Both of those questions came from a brat who wanted to know how to get her Dom’s attention because she felt he was ignoring her.  I advised her that communication was key.  She needed to sit down and talk with him.  I am not a brat.  I am offended at the implication of being one.  It goes against all my beliefs as a submissive.  But, she did not like my answer.  She then proceeded to tell anyone that would listen that I was a brat, and an unhelpful one at that.

I have been accused of Topping from the bottom because I can get forceful in making sure Master takes care of himself.  I have been told (by outsiders) that I am not dedicated enough because I am not home enough.  Which, on a side note, just fuels my insecurities.  So, thank you.  I have been asked how I can “let Him do that?”  We have blanket consent, including Edge play and CNC.  You don’t have to like it, but I sure do.

All I am trying to say is, there are two sides to every story.  People like to gossip.  People like to put other people down to feel better.  So, maybe what they are saying, should be taken with a grain of salt.

  1. Do not assume anything.  Listen to what the person says versus what they do.  Does what they are saying match what they have put out into the public?  If not, ask.  If they cannot give you a satisfactory answer, trust your gut.  If they make you feel negative energy, walk away.  If you see/feel red flags, walk away.  
  1. Do their kinks match yours?  Now, we get to the good stuff.  Since you have gotten to step 4, you are probably compatible in the Vanilla world, and they do not give you the creepy crawlies, its time to find out if the things they like match yours.  Discuss both of your limits, must haves, needs, wants, safewords, dynamic wants/needs, and everything in between.  Be practical.  Be willing to compromise or walk away.  It would not be fair if one party wants a 24/7 dynamic and the other wants a long-distance, weekend getaway dynamic.  They are both valid wants, but not very compatible.
  1. Safety.  If, and when, you get to the point of meeting (if you haven’t already), please do so safely.  Meet in public.  Make sure at least two people know when and where you are going to be, who you are with, and when you plan to check in.  If I tell my safety that I will text her by 8, at 8:01 she is calling me to make sure I just didn’t lose track of time.  Take your own car or have your own ride.  Sometimes, situations get sticky and we just need to get away.  If your date picked you up, you can feel very stuck.  

In the end, vetting is necessary to finding the right partner(s).  It takes a special breed to give us the communication, trust, and vulnerability needed to make this lifestyle work.  The minute I consent to you binding me, I am trusting you with my mental and physical health.  I am trusting you with my life.

Therefore, you are going to have to bear with me and play a few rounds of twenty questions before I let you anywhere near me.

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Getting Kinky With Your Partner

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With the corona virus still hanging around like a psychotic relative with a gun, we cannot ignore it.  With all the dungeons closed, with contact risky and with Mistress Cyan sponsoring Virtual Dungeons, many of the questions that I have answered recently came from a pile of questions I kept around for just such an emergency.  But the following query was one I received a couple of weeks ago.  

“What would you do if you’d been with your SO for many years and recently found that your BDSM needs were developing and your SO’s weren’t? How would you resolve a growing apparent incompatibility? How do you take someone on a journey with you when they are resistant or uninterested? How do you stay with the one you love despite those dilemmas?”

It is a cliché in every advice column to say, “the key to a successful relationship is communication.”  I guess it is a cliché because it is so true.  But your dilemma will not be resolved simply by discussing your needs.  BDSM isn’t Dr. Full-Of-It’s simple answers for complex questions.  (Is he still around?) Oft times, in vanilla relationships, you can just say, “I need oral sex a little more” and voila!  The other partner replies, “I will do that if you do this (such as dress sexier, etc.)”  This might not solve the deeper problems in the relationship, but it can be a quick fix for the sex aspects.  BDSM problems, on the other hand, are not so easy to repair.

In your situation, it appears the actual relationship/love part is solid, but the play aspects are falling apart.  And play is very important in a BDSM relationship.  You might say it is the basis of it.  So, what to do?

Your strategy would depend on the answer to one big question.  How much does your partner know about your BDSM needs?  Does he/she participate with you? And are you overreacting and getting all bent out of shape because your partner lost interest in BDSM because of the pandemic?  

If your partner is totally in the dark about the true depth of your BDSM needs, you must determine whether you wish to risk wrecking a good long-term relationship to disclose them.  If they are very strong in your case, I suggest you take a risk.  More than likely, you will succumb to these urges somewhere down the road, so why not address the problem as soon as possible.  Procrastination solves nothing.  But more about that later. (“We will be right back!”)  I would simply tell your partner that you have very deep BDSM desires and explain exactly what they are in the most enticing way.  And don’t be afraid to state them loud and clear.  Explain what you really, really, really want, what turns you on.  You have been with this person for many years, so chances are you discuss more than the weather in Topeka.  If you are lucky – very lucky – and explain “home dungeon” BDSM play in an exciting way, you just might strike gold.  Also make sure that your SO (Significant Other?  Social Outcast?  LOL) is just going through this disinterest phase as a result of the pandemic.

If, however, he/she either is aware of your BDSM needs – even to the point of partaking in them – a different strategy is needed.  If one of you keeps a BDSM diary, look for points of intersection.  See what BDSM play turns the two of you on, and make sure to point it out.  You might be surprised how much play you both want to experience together.

If you are the Top, then it will be easy to redirect your play toward your partner’s area of interests.  This is not to say, let the bottom totally control the direction of the relationship.  It is to say, let the bottom have some fun!  You will find the bottom is more responsive to activities that you prefer when there is a mix of activities he/she likes too.

If you are the submissive, your relationship – no matter what the protocol – should allow you to voice your opinions freely.  State your needs to your Top, and explain that you need more of certain BDSM activities.  Be clever and select play that both of you enjoy.  A diary is a great device for discovering what interests you and your partner share.  It is easy to get “more” when the “more” is fun!

Of course, if your partner simply has absolutely lost interest in BDSM,for whatever reason,  and you love it, I really cannot help you there.  But it is better to find this out sooner than later. 

I would bet it is a temporary situation caused by this pandemic.  I haven’t gone to a dungeon since this craziness started.  I have tried to both answer your question and suggest that your problems are caused by this virus. These are insane times and it would be a shame if your relationship got destroyed by this microbe.  Hasn’t it done enough damage? My assumption could be wrong; but if I am right you will look at your problem in a different light.

These times are trying enough without having to deal with the relationship problems that the virus is causing. 

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Hard Limits – common examples and how to communicate them

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One of the most exciting things about BDSM is “pushing limits.” I have written articles here on kinkweekly.com regarding boredom – that even BDSM can get boring. But “pushing limits” seems to be a wonderful anti-boredom prescription.

In many D/s relationships, what was once a hard limit often becomes a favorite activity. D/s relationships are fluid, not static, interactions. But a Master/Mistress should not take on a submissive who states that monogamy is a hard limit and assume that he can change her/him at his/her whim. In this case the Dom/me is no better than the clowns on Jerry Springer who spring some mondo-bizarro fetish on unsuspecting wifey and say, “this is what I really want.”  If your Dominant agreed to be with you fully aware of your hard limit, then he should not insist you to do it — at least not until you change your views. And herein I propose a system to expand hard limits elegantly.

I can not over emphasize how important negotiations are when you start a Master/slave or Dom/me/sub relationship.  Serious misunderstandings can result from sloppy – or worse, a lack of — negotiations. But assuming you clearly delineate what the hard limits are, one should employ this concept that I have used quite successfully.

When you start a D/s relationship, write down all hard limits – no matter how crazy they may seem. Include everything from golden showers to cock cages and everything in between. Make your list as complete as you can. You can compose your list from this master list:

Abandonment

Acrophobia – being aroused from heights.

Acrotomophilia – being aroused by amputees.

Agalmatophilia – being aroused by statues.

Ass worship

Barosmia – being aroused by smells.

Being recorded

Body parts (including surgically altered)

Boot worship

Branding

Brown showers

Catheterization

Chamber pots

Cock cages

Cock rings

Corsets

Cross-dressing

Dirty sex (literal) – sexual activity in and around dirt, mud, or oil.

Douching

Enemas

Erotic dancing

Exhibitionism

Fear play

Feathers/fur

Foot worship

Gang bangs

Golden showers

Gun play

High heel worship

Humiliation

Infantilism

Latex

Leather

Lingerie

Medical instruments

Needles

Pegging

Piercing (temporary and permanent)

Posing

Prostitution (role play)

Prostitution (real)

Public exposure

PVC

Recording scenes

Rituals

Scat

Sensory deprivation

Shaving

Skinny-dipping

Spandex

Speculums (anal)

Speculums (vaginal)

Spitting

Swallowing semen

Taking erotic photos

Tasting yourself

Tattoos

Tickling

Uniforms

Voyeurism

Wearing fluids

Wrestling     

Now here is the key: every month of so, go over your “hard limit list” and see if you are curious about expanding some hard limits. What was once a hard limit might now be a soft one. The key, as I see it, is to look at hard limits as not being written in stone. It is a flexible list where there might be room for experimentation. If you examine them in a timely manner, you will be able to expand your BDSM repertoire without “stepping on toes.” (Or “stepping on toes” as an activity!)

For example, many people list needle play as a hard limit.  As the relationship evolves, the slave might be more receptive to a needle play demand.  The Master/Mistress should often talk about all hard limits as the relationship grows. Then he/she will know when the time is right. But changing hard limits cannot be as inelegant as saying “do it because I am the Dom/me.”  This might work for a few couples, but more often than not it is a prescription for disaster.

Pushing a slave’s limits is an exciting part of any D/s relationship. And taking a “hard limit” and converting it into a soft limit can be thrilling – if done right!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Integrity – the Key to Trust in Kink Relationships

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01_eve_marieEve Marie shot by Danny Stygion

To reach the most potent depths of power-exchange requires the highest level of personal integrity.

Aspiring to the highest level of integrity is critical to deepening trust and connection with a partner. I define integrity as having the intention and commitment to be responsible, accountable, risk-aware, actively listening, transparent, honest, and present.

It means telling the truth, starting with what you want…and what you don’t. Unwavering respect of boundaries is critical in power-exchange dynamics.

Clear, transparent, and fair negotiation with your partners should be standard procedure. Knowing proper techniques, risk/safety factors for your style of engagement, and the toys or tools involved, goes without saying.

Encouragement, discussion, and compassionate support of your partner, as well as yourself, before and after scenes, is a golden practice.

Adhering to these types of practices and principles builds the foundation for an ongoing and deepening exploration. This level of safety and trust offers the possibility of engaging and sharing our most protected and vulnerable erotic depths with our partners.

While this can seem a complex effort overall, the fundamentals of consciously engaging and exploring your Eros with integrity are easy to develop and learn as a practice.

The most important aspect is to have the clear intention to aspire to the highest level of integrity.

Here are 4 Tips to up the integrity, trust, and connection level in your power- exchange engagements.

  1. Negotiate Thoroughly

The potential for misunderstandings, perceived or actual consent violations, resentment, mistrust, or emotional/physical harm are excessive when there has not been a clear negotiation. I would discourage ever engaging in D/s-BDSM with someone you just hooked-up with, or even your own partner, if you have not already come to complete, conscious agreement on all fronts before the scene begins.

The point is to feel empowered, connected, and exhilarated after engaging your deepest desires, not wounded or disconnected.

Start the negotiation with the intention to make a deep, heart-felt, human-to-human connection before you enter into any level of D/s-BDSM. The foundation for exploring these powerful depths of our sexual desires is trust, whether for a one-time scene or long-term connection. Each side needs to know they are ultimately cared for while revealing and expressing vulnerable and often scary parts of their sexual desire.

Conduct your negotiation in the most honest, transparent, and revealing  manner possible. Be clear, direct, and thorough. All partners should share in full equality, voice, and advocacy for what they want and do not want at this stage of the journey.

  1. Intention, Pace, Trust

Be clear about intention. It is important to clarify your intentions, boundaries, and expectations beyond the initial encounter for yourself and your partner. If you want to enter the encounter as a one-off with no expectations afterwards, state that clearly right off the bat.

Make sure your partner understands your intention. Press for a direct response that they understand and agree.

Hold your boundaries firmly if a potential partner says they are looking for casual only, and you seek more, and vice versa.

Discuss clearly what may be involved in an initial engagement with your partner in terms of props, toys, roles, and intensities. Get clear about safe sex practices to maintain and sexual history.

Start slow and keep it simple if you are just beginning. Get clarity about options for what to do if something unexpected comes up during the engagement. This would include usage and agreement on safe-words.

Some issues that may arise as you engage may just need you to pause and check in with each other, and then continue. Others may require you to come to a complete stop, and check in about what has come up and/or what one or the other needs most in that moment.

Sometimes, even with clear negotiations, there are things that can present unexpectedly. The best thing to do in these situations is to breath, stay calm, shift to full compassion, and care for the partner needing support. These will likely be rare, if ever occurrences, with proper preparation. Furthermore, considering them in the initial negotiation builds trust, which will most likely reduce the likelihood of these occurrences even further.

  1. Understand and Allow the Paradox

The nature or essence of the dynamic in D/s-BDSM is power-exchange.

One takes control, one surrenders for an agreed upon time. This exchange is inevitably both sacred and profane in its nature. There is a noble (D/s) and a taboo (BDSM) context that is occurring simultaneously.

It is very important to understand the distinction between the two, and how both are engaged during a D/s-BDSM encounter.

Embracing either Dominant or submissive role in this kind of dynamic can bring one in touch with deep-seated instinctual, historical, mythic, and/or archetypal aspects of the collective human experience. These are mythic themes and sensibilities that have been part of human theater, epic mythical tales, and cultural cosmologies for thousands of years.

It is not just the physical sensations and sex that are compelling in D/s-BDSM. It is also the intoxication of the sacred ritual of regal power and devotional surrender, and the primal instincts of being devoured or ravaging another.

  1. Time and Space

I recommend you set aside a minimum of 2 hours to immerse yourselves in this compelling personification of your erotic nature.

You might find you could easily go 3 to 5 hours or more. Some scenes can be designed to go for an entire weekend or more.

Before you engage your partner, take time to prepare yourself by getting present, clear in intention, and embodied in whatever way works for you.

Take care in preparing the space you will engage in. Bring in ambiance of light, sound, texture, aromas, and all that sets the right tone for the way in which you and your partner wish to journey. Make this a sacred space, whatever that might mean to you.

Also, prepare in advance a good aftercare plan that includes access to emotional support if needed. This applies to both the dominant and submissive. Moving deeper into your authentic, sexual desires is an opportunity to both be empowered and to heal if these steps are followed.

In conclusion, the key to coming to terms with our sexuality and creating healthy power-exchange dynamics, is to learn how to express and experience our desires safely, honorably, and consciously, in a way that aligns with the integrity in our agreements we make with ourselves and others, and that encompasses our core values.

We must also compassionately examine and resolve the unconscious concerning powerful, negative cultural messages we’ve internalized about our sexuality and ourselves. That is why this is both an empowering and healing journey.

One short article cannot cover all the important considerations of exploring your Fetishsexuality or Kink desires, but I hope this gives you a starting point to launch your own journey into the depths of your sexuality, and aids you in building your dynamics.

About Galen Fous MTP 

Kink-Positive Therapist, Author, Educator & Sex Researcher

Galen regularly speaks at universities, grad schools and conferences about sexuality and Kink. He offers AASECT and APA approved CE classes for therapists on various accredited online educational platforms.  His research focuses on understanding the unconscious psychological dynamics of Kink, Fetish and D/s-BDSM sexuality. Galen Has a Masters in Transpersonal Psychology from ITP.

He works with clients within a Transpersonal psychology framework that helps individuals and couples get honest, shame-free and confident in expressing their authentic sexuality. Galen helps clients shift from compulsive, dishonest, risky sexual behaviors to negotiated, consensual authentic sexual practices.  This framework includes resolving the embedded fear, shame and judgments entangling one’s desire.

An important component of his research into the nature of Fetishsexual and Kink desire is the development of the Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey.   ( http://galenfous.com/pem ) This ground-breaking and ongoing research survey with over 4000 participants so far, is the first study that begins to document the mythic archetypal aspects of Fetishsexuality by mapping of the sexual unconscious.

Galen’s latest book, “Decoding Your Kink – Guide to Explore, Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires” has been praised by sexual psychologists and educators as “Visionary …Masterful …Groundbreaking …Cutting Edge…Worth its Weight in Diamonds … Highly Recommended…A Must Read!”  He is also the author of “The Sharp Edge of Love – Extreme Sex, Mythic Passion, Primal Intensity.  Learn more at http://galenfous.com

In 2000, he introduced the world renowned Tetruss Shibari Suspension-Bondage Rig, Portable Dungeon, and Sex Swing, the world’s most versatile adult toy. (http://Tetruss.com)

The Punishment Dilemma

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Last week I answered a submitted question. It proved popular so I will answer another BDSM question – this one from a discussion at the legendary Los Angeles dungeon, the  Lair deSade.

“I am a new Domme and have been trying to learn as much as possible. One thing truly baffles me. If I find a submissive who likes pain, and it seems that most do, how do I punish him? If he likes flogging, for example, I can’t really flog him as punishment, can I? How should I approach this dilemma?

This is a very common question; I wondered the same thing when I started my BDSM journey. It is only natural to contemplate how you punish a submissive who loves pain with pain.  In my opinion, there are three distinct responses to your query.

The first one addresses the use of punishment in the training of a submissive. Who says you have to actually punish a slave to maintain discipline? There are many slaves to whom the Master’s displeasure is more than enough to keep them in line. They rarely, if ever, require physical punishment. After all, did you need bodily punishment in school to get you to do your homework? The disapproval of your parents or peers was usually enough. It can be argued that to achieve lasting behavior modification, no matter how minimal, that the desire to do so trumps any exercise in reprimand. With a “self-correcting slave,” to coin a phrase, the mere look of dissatisfaction by the Master or Mistress will suffice; this slave will adjust his/her behavior to please the Dom/me, punishment or no punishment. This “self-correcting slave,” of course, doesn’t imply that “Mistress never works.” If you find a slave who fits this mold, you must still be firm, demanding and consistent in explaining what your requirements are. This slave needs as much guidance as a submissive who has to be physically punished. Don’t think you can just “sleep all day” and you will have the perfect slave. Basically, you must “discipline” her/him; but you are using a look of disapproval, a verbal reprimand or a word of guidance instead of physical castigation. It requires the same dedication to the task of training that the “punishment system” does.

The second analysis concerns the way pain registers in the brain. It can be argued that a spanking administered at a dungeon play party would invariably register as “pleasure” in the slave’s brain. Whereas a spanking given with a harsh look, under corporal conditions (“How did slave disappoint Mistress?” “I did not obey Her orders.”) would be perceived as pain — or even worse. Basically, the setup for the spanking will determine whether it is pleasurable or painful. Think of it like this. If you were spun upside down in a chair, you might consider it torture. Ride an amusement park ride that is similar to the upside down spinning chair and you will think of it as fun! Same stimuli, dissimilar mindsets, different results. Thus, you can discipline your “painslut”, if that is your desire, by setting up the punishment scene differently than a pleasure scene. The sub must know it is punishment to perceive it as such. Make sure you avoid the “spank me I’m a bad girl/boy” scenario because a painslut will eat this role-play alive. In this case, spank for fun. Not because she is a “bad submssive.”

Finally, not even the “King (or Queen) of Painsluts” has an affinity for every tool of torment. He/she might love the flogger but hate the paddle. Or a sub might worship the whip but despise the cane; or adore the crop but loathe tight bondage. Part of the fun of BDSM is experimentation. You should try every toy you can on your slave and find out those the submissive loves and those she/he hates. The key is to find at least one activity that the slave abhors. This might take some doing; you might have to live at the toyshop. But once you find that magical punishment implement, you are set. Remember, all you need is one!

About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

Healthy Dominance

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fashion-horse-10x20 www.voxart9.com

I have noticed there are a lot of new individuals in the community that seem to be unclear about what a D type really is. A lot of these individuals are also unaware of the responsibilities that come with being any rendition of a D type.

Being a Dominant entails so much more than just telling people what to do and getting your fantasies met by doing so.

Sure, Doms can consensually tell others what to do, and in doing so get their needs and wants met. However, there is so much a Dom must consider before making a demand.

First, the s type’s hard limits must be considered as well as their soft limits. It would go against the job description of any Dom to do anything that would actually physically or mentally harm the s type. The Dom must always keep the sub safe.

Soft limits should also be considered because some soft limits are situationally- based as well as mentally-based. What I mean by this is, some soft limits are only safe to be explored in certain settings and/or when the sub is in a certain headspace or feeling a certain way.

Second, what the s type can realistically handle and can physically/mentally do should be considered as well. The Dom should NEVER set the sub up to purposefully fail  (unless this has been pre-negotiated and consented to). Now, the Dom can ask for things that might be trying and/or challenging for the sub (again as long as it is consensual and no hard limits are crossed). However, if the Dom knows that what is being asked has no chance of being successful, then I would highly recommend not asking for said thing. Furthermore, if what you wish to ask for is very important to you, you could potentially train the sub on what they cannot do at this time (in hopes that they can perform the task or fulfill the order in the future). Please note, that there are some things that cannot be trained and other things that can. It’s the Dom’s job to gather enough information to know the difference.

It’s also important to not get upset and/or angry at where the s type is currently. It’s always more beneficial to accept the s type, and proactively and practically work with them to help them serve you better. It’s totally acceptable to correct the s type’s behavior, but be careful not to correct who they are. This could negatively affect their self esteem.

If you find that you no longer wish to be in a power exchange dynamic with your sub, then that’s your right as well, and the healthiest break up protocols should be followed by all parties (these should be dynamic-specific).

Again, if you choose to stay with your submissive, it’s important to work with them as a team or at least consider them a part of the team even if all parties have agreed that the sub is considered less than the Dominant.

Third, the Dom should always take into account their own mental state and physical state. You may wish to discipline or punish at a particular moment, but realizing you should not punish until you calm down can be a sign of an aware Dom with great self control. Self control is paramount for both D types and s types. It can be your best friend when you want to do something, but realize you are not in the best headspace to do said thing.

I am also not recommending that punishments and/or discipline get thrown to the wayside because you are too angered and/or upset. I am merely suggesting to recognize when you are experiencing negative emotions that could impede your judgment, and then postpone punishment/discipline until you are in a calmer state. For example, you could tell your sub you will have their punishment for them within 24 hours, or  let them know you need five minutes to cool off before talking to them about this, or you could tell them to wait in the corner and think about what they have done until you have calmed down (which would begin the punishment even before you are calm enough to continue talking about the matter). These are just a few options. There are many more to choose from.

Bottom line, the important thing is that you are always fair and just-even when punishing, disciplining, and/or correcting. When emotions are heightened that can put fairness and justice on the back burner. Just like a submissive may have to train on specific skills, so might a Dominant. The difference in training is that the sub has the Dom leading the training, process, and the Dom has to lead their own training (unless the Dom has a D type of their own or a mentor).  Doms are people too, and their emotions need to kept in check just as much as subs.

Often, Doms are role models for their subs. With this being said, it would be in the Dom’s/relationship’s best interest to model the behavior and/or core values they wish the sub to exhibit/live by. I am in no way saying that Dominants should act submissive, or behave exactly like their s types, or have the same behavior protocols. I am merely stating that if a Dominant wants their submissive to be honest, they themselves should be honest.

I have often heard debates on whether or not Doms should apologize to their subs and/or talk to them about their errors.

I am a firm believer that it is the D type’s responsibility to own their error and make necessary modifications as needed. Now do they need to grovel or give a lengthy apology?- NO!

But they at least need to be willing to adjust things so the s type is safe and not put under potentially harmful physical and/or mental strain.

It’s human to have too high or unrealistic expectations. I am sure these things happen in nearly every power exchange relationship. And that’s totally okay. The essential thing for Doms is that you make healthier adjustments as needed. This requires you to be flexible, humble, and caring about your s type’s well-being to some degree.

In short, it’s important to know when to healthily/consensually push, and when to modify. Every situation is different, and a Dom’s task is often to balance challenge and adjustment.

It’s also important for a Dom to carefully observe not only the s type’s words and overt actions, but also their subtler mannerisms such as body language. You can often learn more about what the sub thinks and who they are by paying attention to these things. Doms who note these kinds of things will have more success in knowing when to push and when to pull back.

I have always heard mindfulness talked about from a sub’s and slave’s perspective, but mindfulness is greatly needed for everyone in any kind of dynamic.

Unhealthy implementation of dominance can create resentment, willful disobedience, and even dynamic dissolution. Healthy dominance can breed respect, trust, happiness, obedience, and a very strong foundation for any power exchange dynamic.

The D type wields all or most of the power in a relationship and/or scene. Because of this, it is up to them to set the tone and establish the path the dynamic will be on.

Of course, it is the responsibility of the s type to want to serve and to follow what the D type has prescribed. However, the D type is the leader and creates the overall ambiance of the exchange/relationship.

In closing, D types should be humble, logical, stable, understanding, intelligent, and in tune with their s types (this last point may vary based on whether one is talking about a scene, a power exchange relationship, or pick-up play. Nonetheless, the D type must be in tune with the s type to some degree. The D type cannot act as if the s type isn’t there and their boundaries don’t exist).

I hope this article has helped others gain a better understanding of  D types’ responsibilities.

As always, thanks for reading and stay tuned!

Click here for the sister article- Healthy Submission

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

 

Sensual Bondage

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twinz-2-16x24www.voxart9.com

When discussing BDSM play techniques, we frequently talk about floggers, canes and whips. But, there is a softer, and equally important, part of BDSM that is often overlooked. And that is the art of sensual bondage. It might not be as dramatic, but it is sexy, beautiful and often just as thrilling as the most edgy of edge play.

For many submissives, just the touch of the rope is exhilarating; the simple act of being tied up by rope is a rush. It does not have to be tight; it does not have to be complex; it does not have to be escape-proof. The beauty of sensual bondage is that it offers yet another a way of experiencing the adrenaline rush that often is at the heart of a BDSM scene.

Since most BDSM play is based on a negotiated power exchange, there is no need to expertly tie the submissive Shibari-style. Basic rope work can serve a scene just as effectively as the most complex rope techniques serve its scene.

Wrist and leg ties are perhaps the most popular ties in erotic bondage. Once immobilized, the Top can (remember, we are talking about erotic bondage) stroke and play with the submissive.

Breast bondage is also relatively uncomplicated and does not have to involve pain. I am sure you have seen pictures of extreme breast bondage, wherein the breast can turn colors. (I do not recommend this for beginners!) But, simple, almost pain-free breast bondage can be just as exhilarating. When performing sensual rope bondage, don’t neglect the esthetics of the scene; it is part of its appeal.

Finally, when you wish to get to a more advanced style of sensual rope bondage, the rope dress is usually part of the program. Obviously more complex, it still has none of the pain or restraint aspects of total immobilization.

The beauty of sensual bondage is that you can experiment and invent new ways to use rope virtually risk-free. Since the ties are loose, there is little chance of injury.

I would be remiss if I didn’t stress safety – even in sensual play. What might be light play for most, can be heavy play for others. Being tied up, no matter how loosely, can be frightening for some bottoms – especially in public play in front of an audience.  Even in light rope bondage, one should always follow these basic safety rules, which are:

Always discuss, and agree to beforehand, your safe words.

If you see the bottom in mental pain, end the scene. Even if he/she does not safe.

Don’t cut off circulation. Check to see that one finger fits between the bonds and the skin.

If you see skin discoloration, or other signs of severe discomfort, stop the scene whether the submissive is safe or not.

Don’t put rope around the neck, ever.

Have bandage scissors at the ready.

As I have stressed at nausea, “you can never be too safe.”

Now, as an added bonus, it is time for the rope tip of the day! Don’t use cotton rope. It frays and snags very easily and can lock too tight. And never use clothesline or nylon-synthetic blends. The best all-purpose rope is 3/8th’s to 5/8th’s inch nylon rope. And, as an added bonus, nylon rope is readily available in an array of colors. (The more advanced riggers use, in addition to the nylon we discussed, three other different types of rope: hemp, jute and multi-fiber polypropylene. But that is for another article!)

As I have stressed here at kinkweekly.com, there is no one way to do BDSM. To paraphrase, “Different strokes, or non-strokes, for different folks!”

So, if this type of bondage turns you on, simply follow the safety rules and, as the Nike ads say, “Just do it!”

About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

What Are “Hard” and “Soft” Limits?

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checklist-2313804_640If you’re new to BDSM, one of the first things you will hear about are limits. You may also see people declare themselves a “no limits slave” or demand a submissive partner without limits. What does that mean and what are limits? What is the difference between hard and soft limits? Why do we even need limits in the first place?

Limits are basically a boundary, a thing you don’t want to do. BDSM often divides these into “soft” and “hard” limits. An important point to remember is that Dominants and submissives, tops and bottoms all get to have limits. We all have things we won’t do, part of finding a compatible partner is finding a person who likes similar things and dislikes similar things. A person whose hard limit is your favourite activity probably isn’t a good match.

A soft limit is often an activity that you don’t enjoy and wouldn’t normally engage in, but you may consider doing it for the right person. It could be an activity that you feel is too dangerous to participate in, except with a person who has demonstrated expertise in that area. It could be something that both intrigues you and horrifies you, that you would only consider doing with someone you trusted deeply.

When people talk about “pushing limits” in BDSM, they are often talking about playing around the edges of these soft limits. It’s something that should only be engaged in after serious talk or negotiation – it’s not up to the top/Dominant to unilaterally decide that it’s time to push limits without the input of their partner. Pushing limits can also result in some messy emotional or psychological stuff. Everyone involved should be aware of the potential consequences and be prepared to deal with the fallout, if and when it happens.

Hard limits are absolutes. These are the things that you will not do, under any circumstances. For many people, these may be activities or things which trigger bad memories, panic attacks or other psychological stress. Hard limits can be anything at all, even things that other people consider to be tame or a lot of fun. I’ve met people who have tickling as a hard limit – you or I may not think it’s a big deal, but it is for them and that needs to be respected. You can’t disregard a limit because you don’t think it is important.

Hard limits are considered pretty sacred in kink communities. People who violate hard limits (or soft limits without express permission) are correctly viewed as dangerous players. Not only have they violated consent, but they’ve done the very thing they were told not to do. In most communities, it is enough to get you ostracised.

It is important to recognize that limits aren’t carved in stone. The limits I have now are much different than the limits I had when first starting out in BDSM more than 20 years ago. A few have survived, but not many. In some cases, my understanding of the activity grew, for others, it’s just a matter of changing taste. I’ve added limits in that time too, things I didn’t know were a kink (or that didn’t apply to me then but do now), things that reflect some bad experiences I’ve had in life in general and things I’ve tried in kink that I found I don’t like.

Limits can also be different from one person to the next. You may choose to only engage in sexual play with your romantic partner, but enjoy non-sexual play with others. Sexual activity (as you define it) with people other than your romantic partner would be your hard limit.

You can choose anything at all for your limits. You can have as many limits as you need. Anyone who shames or teases you for your limits or the amount of them should be avoided as a partner – will they really respect your limits during play? As long as you inform your partners of any changes in your limits, you are free to set them wherever it is comfortable for you.

So what is with the “no limits” thing? Often the ones bragging or demanding no limits are new or uninformed about what limits are. I refuse to play with a person who has so little regard for themselves that they wouldn’t set limits on play with a new partner. Often they are fantasists with little to no actual BDSM experience. I often remind these people of my interest in flesh hooks suspension (many experienced kinksters will joke about “chainsaw play”). It usually gets the point across.

There are some people who, after developing a deep sense of trust with a partner, may choose to have “no limits”. This is often less discarding limits as it is finding someone whose limits are similar to yours. This is much different than the people who claim no limits to absolute strangers. If you choose to engage in this style of relationship, knowing your partner well is important.

Determining your limits will take some introspection and reflective thought. In the next article, we will discuss 5 methods that you can use to help sort out what your limits are.

By: Morgan Thorne

Morgan Thorne has been practising BDSM all her adult life. She got an introduction to kink through the Queer community in the early 1990’s and knew she had found ‘her people’.

Morgan has also spent nearly a decade working as a Professional Dominant, which has allowed her to expand her skills as both a Top and a Dominant. Morgan has been offering workshops, lectures and BDSM training for a number of years as well. She has a successful Youtube channel where she educates about D/s relationships, BDSM basics and various kinky skills.

In January 2017, Morgan Thorne released her debut book, “A Guide to Classic Discipline”. This will be followed up in Nov/Dec 2017 with “Medical Aseptic Technique for BDSM Play”. Expect more great books from Morgan Thorne in 2018!

Morgan identifies as both a Sadist and a Dominant. She enjoys playing with a variety of people of all orientations/genders/identities. BDSM is an integral part of her personal, romantic relationships. Morgan is both asexual and pan-romantic.

Prior to her work as a Professional Dominant, Morgan worked in health care. This has allowed her to gain a more thorough understanding of health and safety concerns in kink. She retired due to an injury that lead to chronic pain and disability. It also drove her interest in medical play, as a way to continue to use the skills she learned in health care and to find comfort in the loss of a much-loved career.

Morgan has been active in various forms of activism, including LGBTQIA rights and sex worker rights. She is a strong advocate for equality and the human rights of all people.