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Punishment Is Always A Reward

September 23, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

In previous articles, and within my books, I have alluded to this concept. I thought that this week, I’d  focus in on it to highlight a very common misconception: That to make a punishment be effective for  changing behavior in a D/s dynamic, it needs to be unpleasant enough for the submissive to encourage  them to avoid the infraction. (Note: I am discussing actual punishment, not “Funishment” – scene time  play in the form of punishments). 

On the surface, this makes sense: If the person being punished hates the punishment, they will never  want to experience it again – and will adjust their behavior to avoid it. If they fear the punishment, they  won’t commit the infraction and the dominant will be happier, because they will not have to deal with  the infraction again. You’ll often hear dominants talking about the severity of the punishment “matching  the infraction”, and you will also hear that punishment needs to be swift and fitting.  

All of this makes sense – until you consider the source of pleasure for a submissive. What thrills a  submissive? What makes a submissive feel all subby inside? What washes a sub’s brain with Oxytocin  and makes them feel so good about being a submissive? 

In my discussions with submissives regarding things that “excite them most”, there is a common joy  found in acknowledging (or having to acknowledge) their position in the relationship relative to their  dominant. They LOVE to recognize that they are at the dominant’s beck and call – and at their whim.  

They want to be helpless and dependent on the dominant. They want to feel the dominant’s authority.  This was the root cause of excitement identified with of many fantasies, including: Bondage /  suspension, Blackmail, Contracts, Humiliation, Chastity, Losing bets, etc. The idea that the submissive  “has no choice but to comply” is ultra-alluring. It triggers sensations of fulfillment in people who are submissive. 

So, let’s consider punishment. Who is allowed to punish someone? It must be someone with the  authority to do so. Parents, teachers, wardens, governments – all with accepted authority to enforce  rules. If you are being punished, you accept that punishment because you acknowledge and cede to the  authority of the body punishing you — or you’d never allow it to happen. 

Now, conflate the ideas: People only allow themselves to be punished by those with the recognized  authority to do so – and submissives are excited by recognizing, or having to recognize, their relative  position in the power dynamic and the authority of the dominant over them. 

Therefore, I offer that this no way to punish a submissive without also rewarding them! 

Furthermore, the more distasteful the punishment to the submissive, the greater the reward. Why?  Because the more the submissive despises the punishment, the more they must recognize that they  have agreed to allow themselves to be punished. The power imbalance created by their power dynamic  is highlighted and elevated. They are “forced” to recognize that the dominant has the AUTHORITY to  punish them – even with things that they hate. This fact EXCITES the submissive on some level – and their brain REWARDS them by filling them with all sorts of yummy subby pleasure chemicals. They feel  more helpless; more “owned”.  

The more difficult / distasteful / severe the punishment is, the more this reward-effect is realized. 

The obvious irony is that the purpose of punishment is to modify behavior (or create a catharsis for guilt  relief…there are many theories of why punishment is used – not to be discussed here), but the  punishment, in and of itself, runs the risk of REWARDING the submissive for their bad behavior.  

If you doubt this, look at the number of submissives who advertise exactly how they are willing to be  punished for failing to serve properly. Or look at the number of submissives who deliberately act up  whenever they feel they aren’t getting the attention they desire – or are checking the resolve of the  dominant to force them to submit. Consider brats and how that behavior is often motivated by a desire  to have the dominant exert their will and overcome their resistance. 

A dominant who is trying to design punishments that will be severe enough to have the desired impact,  is going to be sadly surprised to find that the behavior, although resolved in the short-term, will  reappear again – usually if no punishment has been delivered in a while. They will be constantly  escalating to attempt to stay above the submissive’s tolerance – only to find that backfire into more and  more severe punishments…and a bunch of frustration! 

What I Do In Lieu of Punishment 

I published this in the article, “Why I don’t punish”. I recognized this “paradox” (it’s not really a paradox,  as it really makes so much sense) a long time ago and vowed that punishment is simply not going to  work with submissives. I concluded that the only way to really change behavior is to insist that the  submissive provide the self-discipline to correct their behavior based on my explanation of my  preferences and feedback on how what they’re doing is making me feel.  

I recognize that a sub’s actions can sometimes be due to something that I do, or don’t do. I am not  perfect (gasp, I know!)…so, I encourage my submissives to talk about what they need, before they’re  acting up or acting out. Maybe I’m not demonstrating my position clearly. Maybe I’ve been a little lax or  neglectful. It could happen. Maybe my sub is feeling a little alone in the dynamic and feels the need to  check in, to make sure I still value their submission. That’s on me. How they go about resolving that and  bringing it to my attention, however, is on them. I am approachable and will listen. If they are acting up,  they are not taking advantage of my openness…and they need to talk to me. 

If a submissive cannot correct their behavior – even after my insistence, explanation, and openness to  listen, then THEY are putting the dynamic in jeopardy. I’m not saying that the only punishment is to  dissolve the power dynamic – but I am saying that, if open communications of why something is  displeasing to me, what I want them to do better (and why), and insistence that they correct the issue, doesn’t result in long-termed change, I’m not interested in wasting both of our time continuing the  dynamic. Dissolving the dynamic isn’t a punishment, it’s a consequence brought about by their inability  to change. It takes a lot to get to that point – but that’s where it’s going, if things don’t change. 

Dominants: Consider avoiding punishment and favor open discussion and instance for change – explore  to find root-causes for misbehavior and remain open to the possibility that it’s something you can control. Explain what you want and why you want it – and insist on it. Recognize that any punishment  will be a reward at some level – and will likely work against the change you’re trying to achieve. 

Submissives: Recognize that the responsibility for living up to your commitment to submit is yours. If  you find yourself attempting to motivate your dominant to discipline you, introspect as to why and  discuss it openly with your dominant. 

Hopefully, this will give you cause to think – and maybe even change your opinion on discipline within  your D/s dynamics. Happy power! 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, consent, contracts, discipline, dominant, fetisn, kink, power echange, protocol, punishment, submissive, submissive headspace, submissive training

The Awakening

April 17, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

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***All pieces of erotica are fiction. We NEVER condone anything that is not safe and consensual.


She came to in a bit of a fog. Opening her eyes in the half-light, she reached up idly to scratch her nose, snapping to attention when her hand disobeyed the command and she realized it was bound to her side. She felt the panic attack kind of fear begin to swell and heard a deep voice resonate out of the shadow.

“Well hello, there, little one,” the voice intoned, “here I thought you might sleep the day away.” The bass voice spoke teasingly, with a hint of familiarity, as if he knew her intimately already, faint wisps of a drawl in some of his vowels. She tried to place the voice – surely she’d heard it before somewhere. Surely a man calling her ‘little one’ had to have spoken to her before enough to tickle her memory. Maybe work…the thought began, suddenly evaporating mid-stream as he stepped into the light.

Surely she would have remembered a man such as this. He towered above her, broad shouldered in the half-light, looming over her as she lay in a nest of cushions and blankets. How had she not noticed that either? She was beginning to seriously question her powers of oberservance, given how little she seemed to notice until it was forced upon her. Was she dressed? Panic began its rise again, fading some when she realized she was still dressed in her pajamas. Or, at least they felt like her pajamas, she mentally amended herself, her baseline emotion still complete terror at having woken somewhere other than the bed she fell asleep in.

A large hand reached out as if to touch her securely bound ankle, hesitating for a moment before making some adjustments to her bindings, flicking a rope here and there. She felt her bladder stir and desperately hoped he was arranging for her to use a restroom. She became aware of whatever he was doing, as he began to tug at various ropes connecting her limbs to his hand. He slowly and gently arranged her into a sitting position all without ever touching a finger to her body. She felt like the oddest, most lifelike puppet all of the sudden, and had an odd thought that it must be peaceful to be a puppet, with no bills, no cares, just to be taken out to serve a purpose and then put away. The thought chilled her, and she glanced at her captor nervously. She had not spoken since her awakening, and was afraid to break the still peace with the gutteral utterance of voice.

Manipulating her bindings as if he were an expert puppetmaster, he directed her towards a small room in the corner. She opened her mouth to ask, hesitating when she saw him loop the ropes in his hands across some metal braces on the wall and pass them to himself through an opening at the top of the braces.

“You will use taps to communicate your needs,” he said coldly. The fear in her stomach warned her not to disobey. He pointed to a chart on the wall detailing a system of knocking and stomping designed to indicate basic function. “When my eyes are upon you,” he continued, “you may use head gestures to respond to questions. Is that understood?” She nodded slowly, fear asking her how many others had taken this test and failed, and what might have become of them.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm safety, bdsm scene, bdsm toys, bottom, fetish, kink, Kink Community, power echange, Top

Check out Mistress Bliss and Otto- a 24/7 M/s couple

December 30, 2018 By VICE 3 Comments

Tagged With: bdsm, dom, domme, fetish, kink, master, mistress, power echange, slave, sub

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