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Punishment Is Always A Reward

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

In previous articles, and within my books, I have alluded to this concept. I thought that this week, I’d  focus in on it to highlight a very common misconception: That to make a punishment be effective for  changing behavior in a D/s dynamic, it needs to be unpleasant enough for the submissive to encourage  them to avoid the infraction. (Note: I am discussing actual punishment, not “Funishment” – scene time  play in the form of punishments). 

On the surface, this makes sense: If the person being punished hates the punishment, they will never  want to experience it again – and will adjust their behavior to avoid it. If they fear the punishment, they  won’t commit the infraction and the dominant will be happier, because they will not have to deal with  the infraction again. You’ll often hear dominants talking about the severity of the punishment “matching  the infraction”, and you will also hear that punishment needs to be swift and fitting.  

All of this makes sense – until you consider the source of pleasure for a submissive. What thrills a  submissive? What makes a submissive feel all subby inside? What washes a sub’s brain with Oxytocin  and makes them feel so good about being a submissive? 

In my discussions with submissives regarding things that “excite them most”, there is a common joy  found in acknowledging (or having to acknowledge) their position in the relationship relative to their  dominant. They LOVE to recognize that they are at the dominant’s beck and call – and at their whim.  

They want to be helpless and dependent on the dominant. They want to feel the dominant’s authority.  This was the root cause of excitement identified with of many fantasies, including: Bondage /  suspension, Blackmail, Contracts, Humiliation, Chastity, Losing bets, etc. The idea that the submissive  “has no choice but to comply” is ultra-alluring. It triggers sensations of fulfillment in people who are submissive. 

So, let’s consider punishment. Who is allowed to punish someone? It must be someone with the  authority to do so. Parents, teachers, wardens, governments – all with accepted authority to enforce  rules. If you are being punished, you accept that punishment because you acknowledge and cede to the  authority of the body punishing you — or you’d never allow it to happen. 

Now, conflate the ideas: People only allow themselves to be punished by those with the recognized  authority to do so – and submissives are excited by recognizing, or having to recognize, their relative  position in the power dynamic and the authority of the dominant over them. 

Therefore, I offer that this no way to punish a submissive without also rewarding them! 

Furthermore, the more distasteful the punishment to the submissive, the greater the reward. Why?  Because the more the submissive despises the punishment, the more they must recognize that they  have agreed to allow themselves to be punished. The power imbalance created by their power dynamic  is highlighted and elevated. They are “forced” to recognize that the dominant has the AUTHORITY to  punish them – even with things that they hate. This fact EXCITES the submissive on some level – and their brain REWARDS them by filling them with all sorts of yummy subby pleasure chemicals. They feel  more helpless; more “owned”.  

The more difficult / distasteful / severe the punishment is, the more this reward-effect is realized. 

The obvious irony is that the purpose of punishment is to modify behavior (or create a catharsis for guilt  relief…there are many theories of why punishment is used – not to be discussed here), but the  punishment, in and of itself, runs the risk of REWARDING the submissive for their bad behavior.  

If you doubt this, look at the number of submissives who advertise exactly how they are willing to be  punished for failing to serve properly. Or look at the number of submissives who deliberately act up  whenever they feel they aren’t getting the attention they desire – or are checking the resolve of the  dominant to force them to submit. Consider brats and how that behavior is often motivated by a desire  to have the dominant exert their will and overcome their resistance. 

A dominant who is trying to design punishments that will be severe enough to have the desired impact,  is going to be sadly surprised to find that the behavior, although resolved in the short-term, will  reappear again – usually if no punishment has been delivered in a while. They will be constantly  escalating to attempt to stay above the submissive’s tolerance – only to find that backfire into more and  more severe punishments…and a bunch of frustration! 

What I Do In Lieu of Punishment 

I published this in the article, “Why I don’t punish”. I recognized this “paradox” (it’s not really a paradox,  as it really makes so much sense) a long time ago and vowed that punishment is simply not going to  work with submissives. I concluded that the only way to really change behavior is to insist that the  submissive provide the self-discipline to correct their behavior based on my explanation of my  preferences and feedback on how what they’re doing is making me feel.  

I recognize that a sub’s actions can sometimes be due to something that I do, or don’t do. I am not  perfect (gasp, I know!)…so, I encourage my submissives to talk about what they need, before they’re  acting up or acting out. Maybe I’m not demonstrating my position clearly. Maybe I’ve been a little lax or  neglectful. It could happen. Maybe my sub is feeling a little alone in the dynamic and feels the need to  check in, to make sure I still value their submission. That’s on me. How they go about resolving that and  bringing it to my attention, however, is on them. I am approachable and will listen. If they are acting up,  they are not taking advantage of my openness…and they need to talk to me. 

If a submissive cannot correct their behavior – even after my insistence, explanation, and openness to  listen, then THEY are putting the dynamic in jeopardy. I’m not saying that the only punishment is to  dissolve the power dynamic – but I am saying that, if open communications of why something is  displeasing to me, what I want them to do better (and why), and insistence that they correct the issue, doesn’t result in long-termed change, I’m not interested in wasting both of our time continuing the  dynamic. Dissolving the dynamic isn’t a punishment, it’s a consequence brought about by their inability  to change. It takes a lot to get to that point – but that’s where it’s going, if things don’t change. 

Dominants: Consider avoiding punishment and favor open discussion and instance for change – explore  to find root-causes for misbehavior and remain open to the possibility that it’s something you can control. Explain what you want and why you want it – and insist on it. Recognize that any punishment  will be a reward at some level – and will likely work against the change you’re trying to achieve. 

Submissives: Recognize that the responsibility for living up to your commitment to submit is yours. If  you find yourself attempting to motivate your dominant to discipline you, introspect as to why and  discuss it openly with your dominant. 

Hopefully, this will give you cause to think – and maybe even change your opinion on discipline within  your D/s dynamics. Happy power! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

On Discipline

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

As we all know, one of the composite phrases in the acronym, BDSM, is B&D: Bondage and Discipline. In  this context, discipline is defined as actions that are applied to the submissive, while the submissive is  bound and incapable to resist. Discipline could be impact play, humiliation, chores, etc. Urban Dictionary has a reasonable definition for B&D: “used in reference to practices involving physical restraint and punishment” 

Of course, “Discipline” has other meanings, both within, and outside of the context of B&D. The Oxford  definition has several, two of which are particularly pertinent to this discussion. The first is also often  thought of in a BDSM context: “The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior,  using punishment to correct disobedience.” The second interpretation offered by Oxford hits home for  me in a big way: “Training oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way”. 

In a sense, the subtle differences between these two definitions harken back to my discussion on the  different viewpoints people have on submission: That submission is either the passive or active role.  There are those who feel that submission is about having things done TO you by a dominant, whereas others (like myself) prefer to think of submission as being dedicated to doing things FOR a dominant that  the dominant feels is FOR them. In the first, submission is passive: Things are done to you. In the second,  submission is active: You are doing things for the dominant. 

In this same way, the first definition of discipline is about doing TO the submissive. The submissive is the  recipient of training; the recipient of punishment and adjustment. The goal of this discipline is  obedience, as defined by the dominant. The dominant is the one doing the discipline…the sub is  accepting it. This is what many people think of as submission. The goal of the submissive is to ACCEPT  the discipline and adjust their behavior. 

The second definition is focused on the submissives themselves. The submissive is structuring their own  behavior to act in a specific way. They are providing and generating the energy required to enforce their  own desired traits. They are motivated by an “ideal behavior”.  

For those who have talked to me, read my books, or read my articles here in KinkWeekly, you already  know that my preference is for subs to be self-disciplined. Self-discipline, in a power dynamic as a  submissive, implies that the ideal behavior to which you are aspiring, is known to serve the dominant  the way the dominant prefers to be served. The dominant sets and communications the ideal, the submissive works to achieve it. 

This is very different than having discipline thrust upon you. When you are “trained to obey”, your  behavior is motivated by the consequences of not obeying. The discipline is manifested in the form of  punishment and behavior modification. Contrast this to self-discipline, in which the dominant  communicates desired behavior and the submissive chooses to structure themselves to deliver against  that specification, motivated by their desire to serve the dominant in the best way they can.

To me, this is fundamentally the difference between “Submission” and “Acquiescence”. Read my article  on this subject, or my books, for more information about this distinction. 

So, when a sub boasts about how much they can accept, absorb, or endure…when they talk about  punishment and the need for restriction in order to remain focused on serving – I quickly lose interest. I  have no interest in manipulating submission. My interest is in defining submission clearly, so that my  submissives can provide the self-discipline needed to fulfill their need to submit to me. 

A sub who demonstrates discipline is far more valuable to me than one who accepts discipline. If you’re  a dominant and feel the same way, communicate that to your submissives. Change the way they think of  submission. If you’re a submissive, consider that your dominant may prefer you to be more self disciplined…and may not have even thought it “proper” to ask it. I strongly recommend that you use  these definitions as a discussion-point to help you further define your power dynamic with your  partners. It’s one of many steps on the road to mutual fulfillment! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Training/Discipline vs Punishment

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My ideal relationship is a 24/7 TPE (Total Power Exchange) D/s Dynamic where I am fully in alignment  with my submissive masochist who has chosen to serve me because that is exactly what she wants. She  chooses me to kneel before as a new action each day. My orientation is to enroll her in what I am up to  and for her to see the possibility of the dynamic that allows her to choose me to gift her submission to  because she wants to serve me. Another way of saying this is that she does what I want her to do  because she wants to do it. 

In this context, training my submissive to please me is as simple as making simple tweaks or suggestions  to her behavior to guide her as she reaches for perfection in her service. It is high order for her to  achieve her goal of pleasing me ongoingly. 

Let me offer one example. It pleases me a great deal that she kneels for me to put herself forward to be  used. In so doing, she invites me to take her, and to use her as I see fit. She is offering herself by gifting  her body and mind to me. Her presentation is particular. Before we played for the very first time, we  talked for months in detail about our perfect dynamic ideas, and what it would take for it to succeed in  creating it, and we talked about how to begin our total power exchange. I invited her to give me her  consent by putting herself forward to be claimed. We also talked about how during her claiming  ceremony she would be marked inside with piss and outside with a cane. The time came to begin when  she ended her marriage, and a space was created to start something new. We talked in detail over  months during which time my desire crystalized, and I shared with her my particular preference to have  her present herself in the Nadu pose. 

The first time she offered herself to me was the day she put herself forward to be claimed. Because it  was the first time, when she knelt for me, I noticed a few ways that she could improve her posture to  please me and recognized an opportunity to coach her. I gently corrected and adjusted her posture to assume the perfect Nadu pose. Knees apart, back straight, head lowered, hands resting in a relaxed  position, palms up, on her thighs. Perfect to my eye. Only one time since then, more than two years ago,  was I promoted to make a correction. I gently turned her hands over to perfect her pose. Now when she  kneels for me, and she offers herself to be used every single day, she assumes the pose perfectly and  she pleases me. With this simple action, she creates me.  

Part of her training includes taking on a new context for her life as she moved from an abusive marriage  where her context was one of survival, to our dynamic where she was being trained to live with freedom  and power and full self-expression. Naturally, that is a big lift in the best of circumstances.  

On occasion, because we live together in our 24/7 TPE dynamic, she would let her mind run away with  her as she reverted to the ordinary way of being. Because she was in an abusive marriage before we  met, something would come up between us, some issue or other that she would make meaning about.  This would inevitably create an upset or space between us. This is something we had agreed not to  allow. At the same time, I observed that this sort of upset tended to occur predictably when we had not  engaged in impact play for more than a few days. I thought about it, and it occurred to me that she  experienced total clarity for days after we engaged in intense impact play, and I made the determination that what she really needed was my daily attention as her Dom. I implemented a daily “maintenance  spanking” protocol which she agreed to, reluctantly at first, worrying about being what it would mean to  be spanked by her sadist every day. 

New actions lead to unexpected outcomes. What happened for her, is that she is now crystal clear about  how this new action has opened her exploration of her experience as a masochist and now she looks  forward to her spanking because in addition to fully expressing herself as a masochist, the spankings  lead to hot, hot sex and she experiences multiple orgasms every day. One result of our daily spanking  routine is a daily scene where her pussy, ass and mouth are used in addition to her having her ass  spanked red. It’s a very erotic and sexy daily experience and has furthered our dynamic bringing us closer together.  

She is trained to serve me during every waking hour and even in bed, where she cups my balls as we  share a daily gratitude practice, we often find that her nightly stroking of my cock turns into her gibing  me head, and she falls asleep with my taste on her lips after we roll over to spoon, falling asleep with my  hand holding her breast. 

Training my slut to please me is an ongoing process of enrolling her in being the submissive I want her to  be. Here is the important thing. There is never anything wrong. She never needs punishment because  she is a service slut who strives to please and if she fails, she punishes herself harder than anything I  could do. Remember, she is a masochist, so if I use impact to punish her, am I really punishing her? My  view is that a 24/7 dynamic training is ongoing as she strives to please me without fail. Given that she is  in an ongoing training paradigm, which is to gently prompt and coach required behaviors, the question  remains as to why, when and how I would choose to punish my submissive?  

Allow me to offer an example of a situation that occurred where punishment was required even though  she was in training. Early on she had made an agreement with me to not perve (access or read) my  messages without my permission. She broke her word and was out of integrity with me by accessing my Fetlife account one morning when I was still sleeping. She then spent the day making meaning out of a  few message exchanges she had read bits and pieces of. Because I leave my computer screens open and  often step away from my office (I work at home), we made the agreement requiring her to avoid taking  advantage of the access, and to be sure, it required some degree of self-discipline on her part not to  immediately revert to old familiar behavior out of a natural tendency to be suspicious. She did, after all,  live for decades with an abusive husband who repeatedly stepped out on her. 

While I understood her motivations, she had, nevertheless, indeed broken her agreement with me. A  break in integrity demands a consequence. In this case the strategy was to first teach her how to restore  her integrity with me. Restoring integrity is a necessary part of the process. First she had to identify and  state what action she took to break the agreement and fall out of integrity – she perved my messages – then what the impact of that was for me – a lack of trust, a feeling of being let down, disappointment,  etc, and for her, a feeling of letting me down, being untrustworthy, of knowing herself as someone  untrustworthy, and so forth, including how it made her feel to know herself as someone who breaks  agreements, and then she had to state what structure she would put in place to not have the broken  agreement occur again in the future – she made a commitment to not access my computer again – , and  finally there had to be a consequence. It is important to note that punishment never comes from a place of anger. It comes from a place of love. So I chose a punishment that would get her attention and be  limited in its scope and one that would give her time to assess her behavior. Figging. She was required to  go to the store and select a stem of ginger. Then she would come home, peel it and rough it up with a  fork to make it juicy. Then she would present it to me and request that I insert it for her and then she  tool a position kneeling on all fours as she repeated the request that I “place the ginger into her ass for  30 minutes so that she could contemplate her behavior.” 

Afterwards we talked with her kneeling at my feet, and she tearfully expressed thankfulness that she  was able to restore her Integrity. It was also the first time that she had ever been given a chance to  restore her integrity and she was very relieved that we could let the situation go completely with her integrity restored. 

Is corporal punishment ever legitimate as a routine way to interact with a submissive? Putting aside  masochists who choose hard impact play as their preferred kink, there is one consideration where  corporal punishment is legitimate in my mind. That is where a submissive has requested corporal  punishment as motivation for achieving a difficult discipline. For example, I had a submissive request  hard corporal punishment for failing to stay on course in the program I designed for her to improve her  health and fitness, modify her diet and reduce her alcohol intake. In this situation she agreed that she  would be on an escalating punishment schedule for each breach of agreement. Now keep in mind, we  used the integrity model, so she had to deal with restoring her integrity as well, BUT each transgression  escalated her punishment by 3 cane strokes. She was to present herself to be caned each week. Initially  we started with 3 strokes. So she got 3 strokes the first week and the second week, but by the third  week she started to revert to her old habits. So she got 6 strokes and when she failed to live up to her  agreement, 9 and so on. The idea was that there would be a level of weekly punishment where she  would choose to be her word rather than get additional punishment. In her case that number of strokes  was 15. Being caned 15x by a sadist with a heavy cane on her bare unprepared bottom while counting  out loud and holding her posture as she thanked me for each stroke was intense. She preferred not to  have more punishment than that. She was caned and then, she was required to kneel before me to  make a new agreement. As you can imagine, this was highly motivating for her. She would come to be  punished each week in order to motivate her, and 15 strokes kept her on track for better health. 

So, to summarize, training is a process without any negative input that is more akin to coaching. As a  coach of a team sport, you would not berate your players for small errors of not understanding, you  would teach them and coach them to perform. With a submissive, it’s the same thing, the difference is  that you are seeking an intimate partner who you want to be all in. You are seeking complete alignment. 

Be a coach. 

Punishment is only warranted when agreements are broken and it’s important that the punishment fit  the crime. A small break in integrity does not deserve the same punishment as a major transgression.  But most important, there must be resolution. It is important that punishment does not result in  resentment or space between you. Discipline using corporal punishment is a negotiated agreement. You  are really being the accountability buddy by using corporal punishment to enforce agreements. Both the  Dom and the sub must be on the same page. This is coaching at a very high level where in addition to the coaching guidance you offer your submissive, you are also responsible for her motivation and also  for holding her accountable. 

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground 

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

The Punishment Dilemma

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Last week I answered a submitted question. It proved popular so I will answer another BDSM question – this one from a discussion at the legendary Los Angeles dungeon, the  Lair deSade.

“I am a new Domme and have been trying to learn as much as possible. One thing truly baffles me. If I find a submissive who likes pain, and it seems that most do, how do I punish him? If he likes flogging, for example, I can’t really flog him as punishment, can I? How should I approach this dilemma?

This is a very common question; I wondered the same thing when I started my BDSM journey. It is only natural to contemplate how you punish a submissive who loves pain with pain.  In my opinion, there are three distinct responses to your query.

The first one addresses the use of punishment in the training of a submissive. Who says you have to actually punish a slave to maintain discipline? There are many slaves to whom the Master’s displeasure is more than enough to keep them in line. They rarely, if ever, require physical punishment. After all, did you need bodily punishment in school to get you to do your homework? The disapproval of your parents or peers was usually enough. It can be argued that to achieve lasting behavior modification, no matter how minimal, that the desire to do so trumps any exercise in reprimand. With a “self-correcting slave,” to coin a phrase, the mere look of dissatisfaction by the Master or Mistress will suffice; this slave will adjust his/her behavior to please the Dom/me, punishment or no punishment. This “self-correcting slave,” of course, doesn’t imply that “Mistress never works.” If you find a slave who fits this mold, you must still be firm, demanding and consistent in explaining what your requirements are. This slave needs as much guidance as a submissive who has to be physically punished. Don’t think you can just “sleep all day” and you will have the perfect slave. Basically, you must “discipline” her/him; but you are using a look of disapproval, a verbal reprimand or a word of guidance instead of physical castigation. It requires the same dedication to the task of training that the “punishment system” does.

The second analysis concerns the way pain registers in the brain. It can be argued that a spanking administered at a dungeon play party would invariably register as “pleasure” in the slave’s brain. Whereas a spanking given with a harsh look, under corporal conditions (“How did slave disappoint Mistress?” “I did not obey Her orders.”) would be perceived as pain — or even worse. Basically, the setup for the spanking will determine whether it is pleasurable or painful. Think of it like this. If you were spun upside down in a chair, you might consider it torture. Ride an amusement park ride that is similar to the upside down spinning chair and you will think of it as fun! Same stimuli, dissimilar mindsets, different results. Thus, you can discipline your “painslut”, if that is your desire, by setting up the punishment scene differently than a pleasure scene. The sub must know it is punishment to perceive it as such. Make sure you avoid the “spank me I’m a bad girl/boy” scenario because a painslut will eat this role-play alive. In this case, spank for fun. Not because she is a “bad submssive.”

Finally, not even the “King (or Queen) of Painsluts” has an affinity for every tool of torment. He/she might love the flogger but hate the paddle. Or a sub might worship the whip but despise the cane; or adore the crop but loathe tight bondage. Part of the fun of BDSM is experimentation. You should try every toy you can on your slave and find out those the submissive loves and those she/he hates. The key is to find at least one activity that the slave abhors. This might take some doing; you might have to live at the toyshop. But once you find that magical punishment implement, you are set. Remember, all you need is one!

About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

This week in kink: May 28, 2018

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This week we are featuring an amazing artist named Brian Vox. To check out more of his work click here

About the Artist:

Brian Vox has been creating art for more than 40 years. His work ranges from acrylic to digital paintings and thematically tend to revolve around pinup, surreal, and fetish. Several works include mixed media design with his trademark steel cage-frames or beautiful Shibari rope. His work is darkly sensual. Evoking a beauty that is exciting to the senses. It contains a hint of something unreachable and unnerving, yet the overtone is sleek and erotic. He has always felt that the female forms portrayed have a power and strength. These are not damsels in distress. They are powerful creatures fully exuding their sexual confidence. Sometimes abstract, sometimes photorealistic. His work is intended to please the eye and excite the senses while allowing the viewer to initially question the topic and pull the beholder around and through the subject into a worId of the libidinous imagination.

ricks-1-16x24www.voxart9.com

June 8 at 9pm at Lair de Sade (Los Angeles) Sinister Insight Night is hosting a submissive/slave training, punishment/discipline, reactance/resistance panel moderated by Slave Bunny.

Click Here For More Details.

We hope to see you all there!

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Ever wonder why powerful, upstanding men like to be spanked?

Click here to find out why.

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Pregnancy shouldn’t keep you from doing what you love! Click here to learn how to practice BDSM safely while pregnant.

 Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to news@kinkweekly.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink”

Healthy Dominance

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fashion-horse-10x20 www.voxart9.com

I have noticed there are a lot of new individuals in the community that seem to be unclear about what a D type really is. A lot of these individuals are also unaware of the responsibilities that come with being any rendition of a D type.

Being a Dominant entails so much more than just telling people what to do and getting your fantasies met by doing so.

Sure, Doms can consensually tell others what to do, and in doing so get their needs and wants met. However, there is so much a Dom must consider before making a demand.

First, the s type’s hard limits must be considered as well as their soft limits. It would go against the job description of any Dom to do anything that would actually physically or mentally harm the s type. The Dom must always keep the sub safe.

Soft limits should also be considered because some soft limits are situationally- based as well as mentally-based. What I mean by this is, some soft limits are only safe to be explored in certain settings and/or when the sub is in a certain headspace or feeling a certain way.

Second, what the s type can realistically handle and can physically/mentally do should be considered as well. The Dom should NEVER set the sub up to purposefully fail  (unless this has been pre-negotiated and consented to). Now, the Dom can ask for things that might be trying and/or challenging for the sub (again as long as it is consensual and no hard limits are crossed). However, if the Dom knows that what is being asked has no chance of being successful, then I would highly recommend not asking for said thing. Furthermore, if what you wish to ask for is very important to you, you could potentially train the sub on what they cannot do at this time (in hopes that they can perform the task or fulfill the order in the future). Please note, that there are some things that cannot be trained and other things that can. It’s the Dom’s job to gather enough information to know the difference.

It’s also important to not get upset and/or angry at where the s type is currently. It’s always more beneficial to accept the s type, and proactively and practically work with them to help them serve you better. It’s totally acceptable to correct the s type’s behavior, but be careful not to correct who they are. This could negatively affect their self esteem.

If you find that you no longer wish to be in a power exchange dynamic with your sub, then that’s your right as well, and the healthiest break up protocols should be followed by all parties (these should be dynamic-specific).

Again, if you choose to stay with your submissive, it’s important to work with them as a team or at least consider them a part of the team even if all parties have agreed that the sub is considered less than the Dominant.

Third, the Dom should always take into account their own mental state and physical state. You may wish to discipline or punish at a particular moment, but realizing you should not punish until you calm down can be a sign of an aware Dom with great self control. Self control is paramount for both D types and s types. It can be your best friend when you want to do something, but realize you are not in the best headspace to do said thing.

I am also not recommending that punishments and/or discipline get thrown to the wayside because you are too angered and/or upset. I am merely suggesting to recognize when you are experiencing negative emotions that could impede your judgment, and then postpone punishment/discipline until you are in a calmer state. For example, you could tell your sub you will have their punishment for them within 24 hours, or  let them know you need five minutes to cool off before talking to them about this, or you could tell them to wait in the corner and think about what they have done until you have calmed down (which would begin the punishment even before you are calm enough to continue talking about the matter). These are just a few options. There are many more to choose from.

Bottom line, the important thing is that you are always fair and just-even when punishing, disciplining, and/or correcting. When emotions are heightened that can put fairness and justice on the back burner. Just like a submissive may have to train on specific skills, so might a Dominant. The difference in training is that the sub has the Dom leading the training, process, and the Dom has to lead their own training (unless the Dom has a D type of their own or a mentor).  Doms are people too, and their emotions need to kept in check just as much as subs.

Often, Doms are role models for their subs. With this being said, it would be in the Dom’s/relationship’s best interest to model the behavior and/or core values they wish the sub to exhibit/live by. I am in no way saying that Dominants should act submissive, or behave exactly like their s types, or have the same behavior protocols. I am merely stating that if a Dominant wants their submissive to be honest, they themselves should be honest.

I have often heard debates on whether or not Doms should apologize to their subs and/or talk to them about their errors.

I am a firm believer that it is the D type’s responsibility to own their error and make necessary modifications as needed. Now do they need to grovel or give a lengthy apology?- NO!

But they at least need to be willing to adjust things so the s type is safe and not put under potentially harmful physical and/or mental strain.

It’s human to have too high or unrealistic expectations. I am sure these things happen in nearly every power exchange relationship. And that’s totally okay. The essential thing for Doms is that you make healthier adjustments as needed. This requires you to be flexible, humble, and caring about your s type’s well-being to some degree.

In short, it’s important to know when to healthily/consensually push, and when to modify. Every situation is different, and a Dom’s task is often to balance challenge and adjustment.

It’s also important for a Dom to carefully observe not only the s type’s words and overt actions, but also their subtler mannerisms such as body language. You can often learn more about what the sub thinks and who they are by paying attention to these things. Doms who note these kinds of things will have more success in knowing when to push and when to pull back.

I have always heard mindfulness talked about from a sub’s and slave’s perspective, but mindfulness is greatly needed for everyone in any kind of dynamic.

Unhealthy implementation of dominance can create resentment, willful disobedience, and even dynamic dissolution. Healthy dominance can breed respect, trust, happiness, obedience, and a very strong foundation for any power exchange dynamic.

The D type wields all or most of the power in a relationship and/or scene. Because of this, it is up to them to set the tone and establish the path the dynamic will be on.

Of course, it is the responsibility of the s type to want to serve and to follow what the D type has prescribed. However, the D type is the leader and creates the overall ambiance of the exchange/relationship.

In closing, D types should be humble, logical, stable, understanding, intelligent, and in tune with their s types (this last point may vary based on whether one is talking about a scene, a power exchange relationship, or pick-up play. Nonetheless, the D type must be in tune with the s type to some degree. The D type cannot act as if the s type isn’t there and their boundaries don’t exist).

I hope this article has helped others gain a better understanding of  D types’ responsibilities.

As always, thanks for reading and stay tuned!

Click here for the sister article- Healthy Submission

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

 

Punishment

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eva-2Mistress Eva with sub. Check out more pictures at https://www.youwillpleaseme.com/

One of the most popular — and exciting — features of D/s is the training of a submissive by a Dom/me. Usually this entails the use of both positive and negative reinforcement – the negative side typically being punishment. I had covered the technical aspects of punishment in two previous articles here on kinkweekly.com – The Punishment Manual Part 1 (https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/punishment-manual-part/) and The Punishment Manual Part 2 (https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/punishment-manual-part-ii/ ). But I wanted to address many questions that remained with regards to punishment.

I also wished to add a warning that BDSM life in the year 2018 would require. Unless you are in a long-term D/s relationship – and even if you are – I would take one important step before you start to train any submissive. Make sure you have a signed and/or videoed consensuality agreement with the submissive you are training – especially if you are using serious physical punishment in your schooling. In this day and age, one can never be too careful. Now back to the topic at hand!

Ideally, when a Dominant starts to train a submissive, the object is to mold the sub to the Dom/me’s specifications. The traditional BDSM  – and most effective — way to do this is though the judicious use of punishment…and reward. Contrary to myth, punishment (meaning something the submissive truly hates as opposed to a spanking which he/she may secretly enjoy) by itself will not train a submissive or a slave successfully. Or at least not as effectively as the use of both punishment and reward.

In general terms, the Dominant trains his submissive to please him or her. One of the most fun things in BDSM (and surely the most popular) is training a submissive in ways to please the Dominant sexually. The Dom/me might train his/her submissive how to pleasure him/her orally, how to dress in a way that turns him/her on, how to make-up and even how to walk.  So let’s peek into a submissive’s diary to see what being “trained to please your Master” really entails. (This is an actual slave’s diary!)

Sir called me over to present myself for inspection. I knew the routine well. After all, he had been training me to do it exactly his way for a month now. And his punishment for getting it wrong – sitting in the corner for an hour – is just too painful to bear. I spread my legs – bare, wearing five inch high heels and no panties as He had instructed – and stood in front of him, eyes cast down. He touched my pussy. He felt it. He put his fingers in it, into “his property” as he called it. I felt a rush of pride until he told me that I hadn’t done an acceptable job shaving my pussy.  

He stared at me in silence, then he punished me by slapping my face once. It did not hurt; but it was so humiliating. I do not think I will ever forget to shave to his specifications again.  It was that humiliating.

He then had me suck his cock.  I did it exactly the way he had trained me, the ways he likes it.  I was scared I might displease him like before; but he told me “good slave” as he got hard as a rock. Sir then had me use my hands to make him cum. Afterward, he praised me and told me how much I pleased him. This was made me feel so wonderful.   I love pleasing Sir so much.

(Note: if this slave ever had “buyer’s remorse” for the face slapping, you will be glad you have a signed and/or videoed consensuality agreement. It is not ironclad legal insurance, but it sure helps if problems arise.)

In this above case, both punishment and reward were used so that the Dominant could get his slave to do things exactly the way he desired them. The punishment, in this case, did not entail extreme pain. A simple face slap did the trick because this Master understood his submissive well enough to know what she truly hated. Many times a Dominant automatically thinks a spanking or even a caning is the proper punishment. This is not necessarily the case — and surely not for a “painslut” (slang for a submissive who enjoys pain). The best punishment is that which the submissive hates. But the Dominant should never forget reward, either.

This use of both punishment and reward applies to non-sexual tasks as well. In BDSM “discipline” training – which ranges from proper use of etiquette to complex presentation rituals — the principles remain the same. A Dominant who only uses punishment as a training tool is using only half of his arsenal.

Of course, the obverse is true. Reward alone, too, is usually an inefficient training tool.  When a submissive fails in tasks or training, swift punishment is perhaps the only way to call attention to this failure.

The Dominant, much like a parent, should strive to make all punishments consistent.   And they should be administered in a calm manner. The Dom/me who loses his/her temper and punishes out of rage will lose his submissive’s respect. And maybe his submissive too!

 

About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Spanking: Pleasure or Discipline?

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With the June 10th Kink Weekly Launch Party almost here, you can bet there will be spankings galore at the event. So what better time to examine the role of spanking in our lifestyle?

Whenever the subject of spanking is discussed, the question of “how can it be used for discipline when the submissive enjoys it?” invariably comes up. But it is not an issue of either-or; it is both.

Let’s dispose of the obvious – what exactly is spanking? Our kinkweekly dictionary defines “spanking” as follows: “To slap on the buttocks with the open hand, or a short flat object such as a paddle or a hairbrush or any of a number of implements such as crops, canes and floggers. Spanking is used as for both pleasure and punishment, or in a role-play context in BDSM scenes.” Thus, within the definition of spanking, pleasure and punishment co-exist.

First, let’s examine the pleasurable aspects of spanking.

One of the most widespread uses of spanking is as a tool for putting the sub into what is commonly called “sub-space.” For those of you unfamiliar with “sub-space,” it is usually defined as “a state of mind and body that most believe is caused by endorphins emitted during a BDSM scene.” Often, it appears as though the submissive is put into a trance; many describe it as “flying” or being in “space.” When in this state, the submissive typically transcends all that is around him/her and cannot even feel the sting of the spanking implement. (In it, a sub often cannot utter his/her safe word; a Dom/me must be aware of this fact.) Although there are many ways to put a submissive into “sub-space,” continuous spanking over an extended period of time is the most commonly used technique. And, though one might classify the actual strokes as “pain,” the overall experience must be categorized as “pleasure.”

“Sub-space” aside, there are many who simply enjoy spanking as an activity in and of itself, especially in conjunction with bondage or immobilization. Even light spanking – the type of which will not be “subspace inducing” – done in combination with restriction can be quite exciting for the Top and bottom alike.

As you can see, there is a wide array of techniques and equipment – from the ordinary to the exotic — that can be used in a spanking scene. Everything from ropes to chains, from duct tape to saran wrap can be utilized to keep the submissive within the “range of the whip,” to coin a term. The cane, crop, flogger or just the hand can be the implement of choice in a spanking session. The only limit is your imagination!

Spanking is also a popular element in many role-play games. The most common one is the “bad schoolgirl” scenario. (“You’ve been a bad girl and are being kept after school to be spanked!”) Even this “bad schoolgirl” game is just that, a role-play game.

So, how does Dom/me use spanking for punishment when the submissive really likes it?

There are two schools of thought here. The first one is that, since everyone craves approval, the fact that the spanking is being administered due to disapproval changes the way the sub responds to the stimuli. The condemnation factor thus makes the spanking much less pleasurable.

The second school of thought posits that every submissive has a particular implement that he/she despises; that toy would be the implement of choice for punishment and discipline. I have yet to find a submissive who doesn’t have at least one toy that he/she totally hates.

Of course, for those into full-on obedience mode, there is always corporal punishment. Here is a transcript of an actual corporal punishment scene.

The female submissive is tied, face down, across a spanking bench. Her Mistress, crop in hand, questions her.

Mistress: What did you do that displeased me?
submissive: I was disrespectful to another Domme, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Did you displease me?
submissive: Yes, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: And will you be disrespectful again?
submissive: No, Mistress
(Spank)
Mistress: How did you displease me?
submissive: I was disrespectful to another Domme, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Do you know how much you displeased me?
submissive: Yes I do, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Do you like displeasing your Mistress?
submissive: No, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Are you ashamed of yourself?
submissive: Yes, Mistress
(Spank)
Mistress: What are you ashamed of?
submissive: That is displeased you, Mistress
(Spank)
Mistress: What are you trained to do?
Submissive: To bring you pleasure, Mistress?
(Spank)
Mistress: Did you bring me pleasure?
Submissive: No, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: And why not?
Submissive: Because I dishonored you. Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: And how did you dishonor me?
Submissive: I was disrespectful to another Domme, Mistress..
(Spank)
Mistress: What did you do that displeased me?
submissive: I was disrespectful to another Domme, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Did you displease me?
submissive: Yes, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: And will you be disrespectful again?
submissive: No, Mistress

In conclusion, spanking is both ecstasy and pain, it is both reward and punishment, it is both pleasure and discipline. To put it simply, it is awesome!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.