power play

Do You Need to Earn the Right to Submit?

April 10, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

sexy power exchange couple, submissive blindfolded — via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

I got a note this morning from a dominant friend of mine, sharing the frustrations she, and many dominant women, have when taking on new subs. Her question was whether subs should have to prove themselves to be worthy of being allowed to submit, or be put in a position of submission and then prove their ability within the role.

From my days in management (outside of D/s dynamics), I can tell you that, most of the time, people prove their ability to do a higher-level job before they’re assigned to it. It is a much less frequent practice to give someone a “chance to succeed” at a position. It’s done…but not nearly as often. This is usually because positions are often coveted and highly competitive and there’s no need to take the risk associated with having the wrong person in a position of responsibility.

If I take the analogy back to D/s dynamics, the reasons for qualifying an individual before allowing them to submit to you, boil down to the risks associated with them not being able to perform as expected. What are the risks associated with taking a chance on a submissive?

The risks boil down to the amount of work that will end up on the dominant. The downside puts the dominant to the task of identifying flaws in the sub’s efforts, determining how to communicate and correct them, and then following up to make sure the corrections are made. Even worse, they may find themselves needing to “motivate” the submissive…to create the energy to get them to serve. They can easily then lose confidence that the submissive will perform other tasks to the level of performance that’s acceptable and need to make constant judgements regarding whether to trust a submissive with a particular task, or not.

As those of you who have read my books and other posts and essays know, I’m a firm believer that having a submissive makes my life EASIER. If having a submissive makes my life more complicated, gives me less time to do what I want to do, or forces me to do things I don’t want to do, then something is very wrong.

My friend brought up the point that often submissives want to be given the position and then be ‘trained’. The whole “Training” thing is something I’m particularly against. I don’t train my submissives, but I do educate them. I want them to understand my preferences and expectations and to internalize them, so that they become their own. When they act, they act in concert with fulfilling those expectations.

A quick web lookup on the differences between training and educating highlights this well:

Training refers to an act of inculcating specific skills in a person. Education is all about gaining theoretical knowledge in the classroom or any institution. Training is a way to develop specific skills, whereas education is a typical system of learning.

I am all for communicating to a submissive and teaching them general terms of how to be my submissive, but I’m not interested training them like an animal. The skills they need to serve me, they either come to the table with – or are able to develop based on their understanding of the objective and their ability to learn.

So, no…I’m not going to pick a submissive and try to train them to serve me. They’re going to have opportunity to prove they’re a good learner and have the ability to apply general principles to develop specific skills.

Does a prospective submissive possess the intelligence, empathy, awareness, self-awareness, dedication, and energy needed to be good at it? That seems to me to be an awful lot to expect to just blossom in front of you. Sure, it’s possible – but are you willing to put up with the effort required to discover it can’t?

For me, I would rather get to know a prospective submissive before allowing them to submit to me. During that time, I’m assessing a lot about their personality, their real interests, their ability to be dominant-centric, and their intelligence. I’m qualifying them to be a submissive, not based on any particular skill, but rather based on the qualities that make learning happen. Are they going to be a good student? Are they driven by a passion to serve? Are they going to be able to exhibit the self-control to maintain their dedication – without burdening me with the need to force, or enforce, it?

Therefore, from my viewpoint, you don’t get to submit and then prove you can do it. You also don’t prove you can submit – you exhibit your natural abilities to learn and adapt and you exhibit your internal desire to serve. You show me why, in particular, you want to serve ME – and not just any woman. Then, I can feel comfortable with the discussion that leads to your submission.

I would love to hear your opinions!

Routine Task Lists In Power Exchange Dynamics

January 3, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

blonde sexy Domme with male submissive in straitjacket — via stock.adobe.com

This week, I’d like to focus in on a technique that I introduced in my first book, “Uniquely Rika” – The Routine Task List exercise. This exercise has brought a great deal of success for many couples through the years. It originated as a way to help couples establish the activities they would utilize within a Dominant-centric dynamic. The exercise was originally established to accomplish three things:

1) Establish a “To-Do” list of tasks that truly serve the dominant and can be executed without the need for the dominant to ensure, order, and follow up on assignments

2) Ensure that what is being done for a dominant is actually FOR a dominant

3) Share the responsibility of creativity between the partners so that the dominant is not solely burdened with the need to come up with and create things for the submissive to do

As it turns out, the Routine Task List exercise has a couple of far more valuable side-benefits: It teaches the submissive to identify the dominant’s preferences; gives the submissive an understanding of why something is, or isn’t, considered to be submission to their particular partner; and helps the submissive think about their activities in terms of what the dominant wants. In short, it establishes a structured communication method, within which the submissive learns how to serve their unique dominant. Because of these, it’s a great exercise for beginners and seasoned players alike. In my second book, “Uniquely Us”, you see how several couples have implemented the technique within their dynamics with great results!

The Routine Task List Exercise

The exercise is best described in the books, but here goes the abridged version:

1) The sub is to prepare a list of 10 items that the sub believes the dominant will feel are service to them.

• The list should be prepared on a regular schedule. Many couples start at once a week. It’s best to establish a set time to prepare a written list.

• The list should contain things that the submissive feels is going to be received by the dominant as submission to them. It’s not a list of things that the sub wants to do, it’s a list of things that the sub thinks the dominant would want. This caveat is what makes the exercise so useful for establishing the definition of submission for that dominant – because the submissive is forced to think like the dominant.

• The submissive should create this list on their own, based on their understanding of the dominant’s preferences.

2) The dominant reviews the list and triages it into three categories and explains why each item fell into each category:

• Things that the dominant feels are really submission to them – that they would want to have done on a regular basis

• Things that the dominant feels are really more for the submissive – and although the dominant likes to see the submissive happy and will get pleasure from making the sub happy, are not actually submission for them

• Things that the dominant does not like and does not want to do

The important part of all of this, is that dominant needs to take the time to explain WHY each item from the list ends up in the bucket it does. It’s equally important to explain to the sub what it is about a specific task that is submission to the dominant and made it to the list – as it is to explain why something did not make the task list.

3) The dominant assigns the triaged items that meet the criteria:

• The things that make the first category, are given a frequency and are added to the submissive’s “Task List”. The frequency can be something like, “Every day”, “Once a week”, “Whenever I shower”, “At meals”, “When I enter the room”, etc. These items are put on the submissives list and the submissive is to execute the tasks on the scheduled times without the need for provocation, reminder, etc. It’s the sub’s responsibility to meet the schedule.

• Things in the second category are taken under advisement by the dominant as things that can be given as treats/gifts during playtime. They do not make the task list. The dominant should be quite particular about what makes it to the task list…if it’s not really service to the dominant…that is, if it’s not FOR the dominant, then it doesn’t make the list.

• Things that are in the third category are removed and will not be done.

If the submissive gets 5 or more items accepted to the list, they’ve done a good job. The goal, of course, is to get a perfect 10 for 10. If the sub gets less than 5 items on the list, then they should go back and try again that same week…armed with the understanding they’ve accumulated via the feedback. Otherwise, the sub executes the (now grown) task list and begins to think of things for the next week’s list.

After a few weeks of this, the sub gets pretty good at understanding what is and what isn’t considered to be submission to this dominant…and should begin to get better at predicting and getting more and more items added to the list. The end result is an increasing list of pre-scheduled tasks that the sub is performing on a regular basis, that truly provide submission to the unique dominant.

The list is designed to contain routine tasks – to be executed according to the schedule, by the submissive, without the need for the dominant to monitor or command execution. This simplifies the dominant’s life – while providing services that meet their needs.

John’s Attestation

As I mentioned, many couples with whom I’ve worked, have used this technique with a great deal of success. Earlier in 2020, the submissive of one of those couples posted his account in my FetLife Rika’s Lair discussion group. I’ve reproduced it here with his permission:

Hi folks! I wanted to chime in here to talk about the Task List Exercise. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m John – of Liz and John in Rika’s second book. We started the Task List Exercise when Liz introduced me to Rika’s methodology. I was a bit skeptical at first (with the whole methodology, as well as the exercise), but Liz was into it…and to see her excited by anything having to do with being my dominant was, as the song goes, simply irresistible!

I remember how I thought my first list was perfection…and it turned out to be AWFUL. In it, I spelled out what I felt submission was, being sure to list the kinky activities that Liz and I had done in our previous playtime that she liked. Turns out, she enjoyed my reaction to those kinds of things, but serving her – in her mind – was a much different experience. It was, looking back, all about me: What I would allow her to do to me. Only one item from my first list made it to the routine list.

She sat me down and explained why these things, although enjoyable, were not going to be considered to be submission to her. That we will likely do some of those things, because they’re fun, but they were not making their way to the list – which was to define service TO HER.

I remember feeling that she had been fed a dose of poison and that we were losing every chance of having a deep D/s dynamic. I was pretty pissed at Rika, frankly. But Liz was not moving. She would not budge from what she wanted. She sets expectations in a way that wasn’t asking me, it was telling me. She basically said I was doing this, or I wasn’t doing anything – that to serve her meant she got to set what service means. In other words, she was being dominant! On the surface, I didn’t like where she was taking this – but at my core, I loved that she was demanding that I comply. I did.

Fast forward about 6 months: I was 10 for 10 on my task list almost every week and had a routine list of over 200 items. They were small items, but there were a lot of them! It was more than I could handle, frankly. We both recognized that we were fast approaching my limit. Rika advised us to prune the list. To remove things that Liz could live without. She also recommended that we review the list monthly, rather than weekly. We got the list to [a] manageable 160 items, some of them daily, some weekly, some in certain circumstances.

Around two months into this process, I started to realize that I FELT MORE submissive than I had ever felt in our playtime. I was truly serving Liz and Liz was feeling truly dominant. She was also giving me lots of treats. I didn’t feel like I was going without what I enjoyed – I just knew that when Liz gave me something that she knew I liked, it was not submission, but rather a gift – and I was so very thankful for it.

We’re many years into our dynamic now – we don’t visit the task list on a regular basis anymore. It changes when Liz wants it to change. It is, however, always in play. I am her servant, heart and soul, and love every moment of it. I find that my tastes and desires have changed and are almost in complete lock step with Liz’s. It’s not that I can read her mind, but I’m thinking like her now. I’ve embodied her tastes and preferences and find myself acting in accordance with them, without having to try.

Rika’s system works. This task list is just the beginning, but it’s an important first component. Try it out…I strongly recommend it. And to the dominants: Be REALLY strict about what makes it onto your list. Make sure it REALLY serves YOU if you allow it. The other things you can still do, but not as part of this list. This list is about YOU.

Wrapping it Up

Communication is, by far, the most important element of success for couples establishing, or continuing their D/s dynamics. The Routine Task List exercise provides an excellent vehicle to enable greater communication. It’s particularly effective because it engages the submissive’s mind – challenging the submissive to internalize the dominant’s definition of submission. When submissives begin to consistently create lists that triage a perfect 10 for 10, the couple can be certain that the submissive has truly embraced the dominant’s definition of submission. Over time, that definition can change – and the Routine Task List assures that the submissive stays with the course.

Try the technique. For more info, read the books. I think you’ll find that they will help your dynamic regardless of how “seasoned” or “newbie” yours is!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Spanking: Pleasure or Discipline?

June 6, 2017 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

With the June 10th Kink Weekly Launch Party almost here, you can bet there will be spankings galore at the event. So what better time to examine the role of spanking in our lifestyle?

Whenever the subject of spanking is discussed, the question of “how can it be used for discipline when the submissive enjoys it?” invariably comes up. But it is not an issue of either-or; it is both.

Let’s dispose of the obvious – what exactly is spanking? Our kinkweekly dictionary defines “spanking” as follows: “To slap on the buttocks with the open hand, or a short flat object such as a paddle or a hairbrush or any of a number of implements such as crops, canes and floggers. Spanking is used as for both pleasure and punishment, or in a role-play context in BDSM scenes.” Thus, within the definition of spanking, pleasure and punishment co-exist.

First, let’s examine the pleasurable aspects of spanking.

One of the most widespread uses of spanking is as a tool for putting the sub into what is commonly called “sub-space.” For those of you unfamiliar with “sub-space,” it is usually defined as “a state of mind and body that most believe is caused by endorphins emitted during a BDSM scene.” Often, it appears as though the submissive is put into a trance; many describe it as “flying” or being in “space.” When in this state, the submissive typically transcends all that is around him/her and cannot even feel the sting of the spanking implement. (In it, a sub often cannot utter his/her safe word; a Dom/me must be aware of this fact.) Although there are many ways to put a submissive into “sub-space,” continuous spanking over an extended period of time is the most commonly used technique. And, though one might classify the actual strokes as “pain,” the overall experience must be categorized as “pleasure.”

“Sub-space” aside, there are many who simply enjoy spanking as an activity in and of itself, especially in conjunction with bondage or immobilization. Even light spanking – the type of which will not be “subspace inducing” – done in combination with restriction can be quite exciting for the Top and bottom alike.

As you can see, there is a wide array of techniques and equipment – from the ordinary to the exotic — that can be used in a spanking scene. Everything from ropes to chains, from duct tape to saran wrap can be utilized to keep the submissive within the “range of the whip,” to coin a term. The cane, crop, flogger or just the hand can be the implement of choice in a spanking session. The only limit is your imagination!

Spanking is also a popular element in many role-play games. The most common one is the “bad schoolgirl” scenario. (“You’ve been a bad girl and are being kept after school to be spanked!”) Even this “bad schoolgirl” game is just that, a role-play game.

So, how does Dom/me use spanking for punishment when the submissive really likes it?

There are two schools of thought here. The first one is that, since everyone craves approval, the fact that the spanking is being administered due to disapproval changes the way the sub responds to the stimuli. The condemnation factor thus makes the spanking much less pleasurable.

The second school of thought posits that every submissive has a particular implement that he/she despises; that toy would be the implement of choice for punishment and discipline. I have yet to find a submissive who doesn’t have at least one toy that he/she totally hates.

Of course, for those into full-on obedience mode, there is always corporal punishment. Here is a transcript of an actual corporal punishment scene.

The female submissive is tied, face down, across a spanking bench. Her Mistress, crop in hand, questions her.

Mistress: What did you do that displeased me?
submissive: I was disrespectful to another Domme, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Did you displease me?
submissive: Yes, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: And will you be disrespectful again?
submissive: No, Mistress
(Spank)
Mistress: How did you displease me?
submissive: I was disrespectful to another Domme, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Do you know how much you displeased me?
submissive: Yes I do, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Do you like displeasing your Mistress?
submissive: No, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Are you ashamed of yourself?
submissive: Yes, Mistress
(Spank)
Mistress: What are you ashamed of?
submissive: That is displeased you, Mistress
(Spank)
Mistress: What are you trained to do?
Submissive: To bring you pleasure, Mistress?
(Spank)
Mistress: Did you bring me pleasure?
Submissive: No, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: And why not?
Submissive: Because I dishonored you. Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: And how did you dishonor me?
Submissive: I was disrespectful to another Domme, Mistress..
(Spank)
Mistress: What did you do that displeased me?
submissive: I was disrespectful to another Domme, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Did you displease me?
submissive: Yes, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: And will you be disrespectful again?
submissive: No, Mistress

In conclusion, spanking is both ecstasy and pain, it is both reward and punishment, it is both pleasure and discipline. To put it simply, it is awesome!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

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