relationship

Inspiring Submission

January 3, 2017 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

“If you want someone to trust you, be trustworthy!”

Welcome 2017. As “Fifty Shades Darker” is due out this year, let’s not ignore the elephant in the room. While I cannot comment on a movie I have not seen (New Year’s Resolution #3 in last week’s article), I can predict it will bring a lot of new blood into the BDSM/kink/fetish scene.

Obviously, total newbies will not, by definition, know a lot about BDSM. But they do have a natural curiosity – otherwise why would they watch two BDSM oriented movies, no matter how accurate or inaccurate? So, let’s not discuss protocols and technical aspects of BDSM right now. Let’s instead give some practical tips that will facilitate D/s play at any level – especially when a Dom/me first meets a prospective submissive.

When a submissive meets a Dominant, it is very important that he/she is able to evaluate this potential Master, even if you met at a loud club and it is only for play “Should I trust this Dominant?” is usually the most pressing question on a submissive’s mind. And it is up to the potential Dominant to be confident enough to put the submissive at ease upon meeting. Whether high, medium or no protocol, a Dominant should have enough knowledge and skills – confidence built upon reality — to actually command a submissive.

Thus, I have compiled a list on how best to ”Inspire Submission” in a submissive — whether for a night or for a lifetime. (Or an almost lifetime!)

1. Knowledge is the lifeblood of all mastery. Even if you are a newbie Dom/me (everyone was a newbie once), the fact that you aspire to know more about BDSM will inspire confidence in any prospective slave or play partner. Be humble and don’t claim to know more than you do.

2. You should have mastered at least one other non-BDSM discipline. This could include being a computer gamer, a fireman, a carpenter, a pool player, a chef, a martial artist, a chess player, a pilot, a bodybuilder, a poet, a skateboarder, a craftsman, a guitarist, a bowler, a painter, a parent, a mechanic. The list is virtually endless. But you must understand the dynamics of “mastering” something, anything — no matter how obscure — before you can control another human being.

3. Being a “Lone Ranger” Master is no Master at all. Telling a prospective submissive that “I practice my own form of BDSM in my own private dungeon” sounds quite creepy. Even if you met online, have some real time kinky friends who are in a similar scene to vouch for you

4. You should have attended a BDSM play party. At first glance, this might seem a frivolous requirement. Not! Being disinterested in what other lifestylers do demonstrates a cavalier lack of interest in BDSM. Master computer techs go to computer conventions; master filmmakers go to the movies; master painters go to museums. You do not have to play; observing is sufficient. (Some Masters are averse to public play.) But you must see “how it’s done” before you play with your submissive.

5. You must master at least some areas of BDSM play. For example: crops, floggers, canes, whips, CBT, mummification, wax, hand-spanking or the paddle. Thus when you play, you will know what you are doing! Skill inspires the sub’s confidence in the Dom/me.

6. An inspiring Dom/me has a general sense of honor and honesty in all BDSM dealings. Submissives can pick up on dishonest Dom/mes! (And even go into the bathroom and check out any Dom/me on his/her smart phone.) When a submissive is confident in his/her Dom/me, submitting is really quite easy!

7. Inspire confidence simply by…inspiring confidence! Tell your potential partner the safety precautions you insist on. Such as you always use a safe word or you go slow when you first play. Find out his/her preferences and hard limits. And don’t bum rush this process. Learn about your prospective submissive in as much detail as possible at this stage. Trust cuts both ways.

Since trust is essential for a submissive to submit, your mantra should be, “If you want someone to trust you, be trustworthy!”

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

One kinky, One vanilla, One roof

December 26, 2016 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

Often times an already established couple enters the scene together. Perhaps they’ve been dating a while, living together, or even married. They start going to a few classes and a munch or two. Perhaps they make it out to a party and start including kink during their “sexy time”. Unfortunately, after giving it a good shot, one partner just isn’t feeling it. Partner A feels like they hit a jackpot of new experiences and is so excited to plunge into the deep end of kink. Partner B has given a genuine effort, yet nothing they’ve learned about or tried has interested them. So now what? Well, in this case both partners are aware of what’s out there and kink has been put on the table. At this point partner B has the decision to either swallow their disinterest and attempt to “play along” because they see partner A’s excitement or to have an honest conversation with partner A about how they feel. I know this won’t shock you, but I suggest the second option. Many people may choose the first option because they are afraid if they let their partner know they aren’t interested that they’ll lose them. The problem here is that kink isn’t something you can fake for long, especially as you delve deeper. It will eventually surface and when it does it is bound to not end well. At the very least the kinky partner may feel resentment about their partner not being really honest with them. It’s better to have a frank conversation and evaluate what’s most important and how to handle the difference of interest.

Another scenario is when one person starts to research and explore kink but doesn’t bring their partner along at first. This is usually due to them assuming their partner won’t be into it or they are simply ashamed or embarrassed by their kinky interests. Given this situation there are several options. One option I don’t recommend is continuing to explore kink in secret. They end up almost living a double life and it usually still gets revealed eventually – and by then there is much more betrayal that has happened. Another option is to come to the conclusion that they can live without kink and continue to suppress their desires. This option is less than appealing due to the fact that they are possibly living a life that is less than satisfying. This can lead to resentment eventually as well. I do recommend communicating the interests with the partner. This option can lead to several outcomes. The best outcome, of course, is revealing the desire to explore kink and finding out their partner is interested and willing to explore with them. Another positive outcome is if their partner isn’t interested, yet is willing to negotiate ways for the interested partner to explore kink without them.

The saddest outcome, of course, is if they can’t find common ground or room for compromise and the relationship comes to an end. Keep in mind there is a lot of wiggle room before they have to get to this point. There are many possibilities for making it work in some way. However, if they just can’t make it work it’s probably better to part ways. If the kink partner has realized that kink is that important in their life and the vanilla partner really wants nothing to do with it and can’t be a part of their partner exploring outside of the relationship then this may be the best option. If not, I believe the relationship will still end, but it may be more like removing the bandage very slowly as opposed to ripping it off and hopefully parting in a friendly way. To end this article on a positive note I will say that I have seen many couples in my therapy practice where one person thinks their partner won’t be into kink find out that they were wrong and that their partner is totally willing to check it out and may even love it!

Bottom line is be true to yourself and your partner!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

High Protocol: Part Two

December 5, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

Before you read this article, I suggest (or, in a more Domly way, insist) that you read last week’s kinkweekly.com prequel, “High Protocol, Part One.” To quickly recap. High protocol Master/slave relationships are not for everyone; they are, in fact, quite rare. And, in my opinion, they are not, in and of themselves, any higher on the BDSM food chain than any other style BDSM union; you don’t get BDSM “props” for being a high-protocol Dom or sub. High protocol is not a goal; you don’t progress from low to high protocol. It is not like going from junior to senior in high school; high protocol is simply another type of D/s relationship.

For most couples, high protocol works best for short periods of time, as in a scene or even for weekends; taking it 24/7 is usually far too energy-draining to be a way of life in our world of jobs, stress and kids. High protocol, 24/7 style, is only for those who truly crave and need it – for both the Dom and the sub alike. (It will likely fail if one is really into it and one is not.)

That said, we will attempt to list the classic (and even mythical!) high D/s protocols. Thus, you can pick and choose those protocols you like – even if you are in a low protocol relationship. As the saying goes, “Different BDSM strokes for different folks.” (Funny how the word “strokes” works so well in this paraphrased axiom.) So, without further adieu, here is the list.

IN PRIVATE

1. You must always address Master as Master, Sir or some other designated title, and do so in every sentence.
2. Upon returning from work, slave must kneel and greet Master in ritual designated by Master. If Master is out and returns home, slave still performs the greeting ritual.
3. Slave must be aware of the position training and will be expected to perform them at any time. (Note: Position training – teaching the submissive to assume a set of kneeling or standing poses, in response to the Master’s voice commands.)
4. A slave is always naked (or some designated dress) in Master’s House.
5. You must ask permission to leave the room, or use the bathroom.
6. You may not sit on the furniture without permission.
7. You must respectfully ask permission to speak.
8. If slave needs to ask questions, he/she must ask permission to speak, as in, “Sir, I have a question,” or, “May I speak freely, Sir?”
9. Whenever you have no duties to perform, or need instruction, you assume the kneeling position at your Master’s feet and wait quietly for his attention.
10. Arms are never allowed to be crossed over the body when in the presence of the Master unless it is his/her request.
11. You may not have an orgasm without permission, and may only play with yourself with permission.
12. When you make a mistake or misbehave, you may not wait until Master notices, but must immediately inform Him and gracefully accept correction.
13. You may not interrupt your Master except in an emergency.
14. The slave must prepare body for bed by bathing and then preparing the bed for the dominant.
15. Slave must present his/her body for a nightly inspection.
16. Slave must kneel and ask permission to enter the Master’s bed
17. When you are in Master’s House, you may eat and drink only from Master’s hand.
18. The submissive must learn how to serve coffee, tea or other drinks in a serving ritual specified by the Master.
19. Upon a signal from Master, the slave presents himself/herself in a manner specified by the Master for the preliminaries of sexual intimacy.

IN PUBLIC

1. A slave is not permitted to draw undue attention by excessive body movements such as tossing the head or hair, shifting positions while kneeling, moving hands or feet or, in general, doing anything that is distracting.
2. All movements are expected to be as graceful as possible or as trained by Master.
3. Lips are to be kept slightly parted and relaxed.
4. The back is always kept straight.
5. Whenever the slave is using your hands, he/she must keep them behind his/her back; when standing still, legs are parted. This is to be done unobtrusively – don’t alarm the vanilla world.
6. You walk slightly behind Master.
7. Slave does not make eye contact with any Dominant other than their Master.
8. You wait for his attention to speak.
9. In a restaurant, Master orders your meals.
10. You must discreetly ask permission to begin eating, and you may never start eating until your Master does.
11. You address Him as Sir whenever there are no other vanilla people around.
12. When having dinner with other lifestylers, slave will serve Master and guests as taught, then clear the table and serve coffee, tea or dessert as instructed. Afterward, slave sits on the floor at his feet.

As I have stated many times, pick and choose those listed protocols you want discard the rest. Or, invent your own or use some that have been omitted. For example, I use less than half of the above protocols in my relationship. So, my best advice is to use those that work for you and eliminate those that don’t.

Behavior Modification

November 15, 2016 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

There is a belief that skillful Dominance can affect major behavior modifications in a submissive. (The most famous illustration of this idea is when “Christian The Helicopter Dom” in Fifty Shades walks into a hardware store and thinks he can make a random cashier into his slave.) The crux of this theory is, that by using a combination of positive and negative reinforcements, the Master/Mistress can shape the slave to his/her own specifications. It is a romantic notion and a very appealing one at that. There is no doubt that the Dominant can train a submissive to please him with great specificity. However, there is a big difference between training a slave to orally service you in a required manner and radically modifying her/his behavior. A good Dominant can sense those areas that are immune to change. For example, if your slave is very jealous, it is unlikely that you can totally eliminate it. You might be able to minimize jealousy; it’s unlikely you can get rid of it.

It is much like the demonstration hypnotists give before they start the induction. They ask the subject to touch his nose, clench his fist and then jump out the window (or some such act of insanity.) The subject typically honors the first two requests but refuses to attempt the third. It is then explained that in hypnosis you will only do things you want to do. Thus, one cannot be hypnotized into killing someone. Similarly, the submissive will only modify behavior that he/she truly wants – consciously or subconsciously — to change. Using our jealousy example, unless eliminating it is a deeply held need of the submissive, no amount of “training” will eradicate it. It is with this concept in mind that I offer ten tips that will help you accomplish a reasonable amount of behavioral modification.

• Try to match protocols. Often a high-protocol Dominant will try to convert a low-protocol submissive. Unless the sub truly craves high-protocol, it is better to lower your protocol requirements or find a high-protocol slave. Otherwise, it will be less a case of your skill as a Dominant and more a case tilting at windmills!

• Don’t rely on punishment alone. Punishment is most effective when used in conjunction with reward. Punishment is often a failed strategy when it is employed exclusively. Adults respond best to a combination of the two. A Dominant who uses only punishment is using only half of his arsenal.

• Make punishment and reward consistent. If you want to have even half a chance of modifying your sub’s behavior, be consistent. The Dominant, much like a parent, should strive to make all rewards and punishments consistent.

• All punishments should be administered in a calm manner. The Dom who loses his temper and punishes out of rage will lose his submissive’s respect. And maybe his submissive too!

• Understand your submissive. If you accept the premise that there is a limited range to behavior modification, you should understand your submissives deepest needs and limits. A failed attempt at behavior modification can ruin the Dominant’s confidence and can arouse disrespect in the submissive. Thus, failure is usually not an option. Understand what is do-able and what is not.

• When you punish, punish. There is only one type of punishment that consistently modifies behavior – consistent and immediate punishment. It does not have to be particularly painful; it can be simple disapproval. But it is these two aspects that make it so effective. Being relatively immediate is especially important. Don’t wait a day or two to punish. And try to make the punishment fit the crime!

• When you reward, reward. Similarly, reward must be consistent, immediate and in proportion to the action you find commendable.

• Be fair. Although the Dominant is the “Captain of the ship,” one should not abuse this power. If the Dominant acts like the evil Captain Bligh, he/she might have a mutiny on his/her hands. And never use a hard limit as a punishment.

• Explain. From time to time you should explain “the method in your madness,” and should clarify why the submissive is being rewarded or punished. This will expand the trust factor that is so important in Dom/sub relationships.

• Rome wasn’t built in a day. No matter what your aim, even minor behavior modification can take time. Patience is a virtue. You don’t have to do it all at once.

If you keep your behavior modification aims consistent with what you can reasonably expect from your submissive, and then push the sub’s soft limits in a sensible manner, you will be able to train your slave to a very fulfilling level. Remember, this is real life; it is not some online or movie fantasy. Don’t attempt the impossible, no matter how appealing it seems.

Opinion: How S-types See Their Dominan Deeply

October 31, 2016 By Mistress Sky 2 Comments

It is my experience that my submissives relate to me on several different levels all at once. In this article I’d like to play with the possibility that there are five identifiable levels. Their way of looking at their dom(me) and breathing your greatness can be thought of as falling into five categories. These groupings start at a barely human, earthy level and escalate to a spiritual high, landing you and your S-type at again a barely human level but this time up in the clouds.

I am a domme of twelve years experience. My submissive male partner and I have been together for seven years and counting. I am polyamorous and have had other relationships. As Mistress, my kink life has included temporary subs plus relationships with males and females. This is the context in which I bring you one of my deeper thoughts for your consideration.

Now, I need to say that there is no judgment about any level. These are happening with great overlap. On an everyday basis, three or four levels may be operating at once. It’s never five at once, however, since the highest and the lowest cancel each other out.

Remember, these are my ruminations about how S-types view their particular D-type and not D’s in general.

The S-type is making a one-to-one correlation in their imagination but more than that in their subconscious about what a dominant has to be. A character trait or physical trait is being associated with what it means to be dominant. For the most part the submissive or slave has no idea that they are doing this. The Inner Self needs what it needs. It goes looking for what it needs. A S-type that deeply needs a very large bodied dominant is never, ever going to take a skinny-bodied person seriously as their dominant. This is not a conscious choice.

What are these levels?:
1. At the top is a demi-god reverence.
2. Just below it is a best self.
3. An everyday self.
4. An everyday self.
5. At the bottom is a reverence for something base and earthy.

Demi-god means that a dominant is a representative for god or gods. The submissive or slave is making his dominant a stand in for their religious or spiritual practices. The S-type is not considering the Master or Mistress or Owner as the literal human who stands before them. That serves a great need for the S. Service is the point. But service at this level is a momentary thing and the S is grateful to get a glimpse at this higher self for themselves. They are the ones who are lifted higher. I know a couple who swear that in these moments she lifts him, too.

Best Self level is you or me cleaned up and presentable and more than either of us can hold at every moment. We can pull this one out if we need to though. The S-type has certainly seen this one repeatedly.

Everyday Self. Well, this one has two levels because comparatively one is shiny’r than the other. Let’s say this one is you or me before we have gotten that first cup of coffee in the morning and the other is one of us after the caffeine has kicked in. The S-type sees their dominant most strongly and that’s the point.

The Bottom level is really the bottom. It probably is not you or me. It is less than we can put out on an everyday basis. However, I have known a couple that seemed to like to hover around the earthy level as often as possible. The female dominant told me that she enjoyed gardening. Her slave male liked to catch her before she’d taken a shower. The smelly, naturalness drove him wild, literally. He was triggered into his animal persona. He met her on all fours as she entered the house and would not let her ignore him. She had special chains and cuffs on the bed for restraining him. Neither thought that the base reverence of his Mistress was a bad thing. This could also be the dominant who has not had much sleep or for any other reason really does not have themselves together temporarily and their S-type is particularly drawn to them right then. I’m thinking of myself at the airport after many hours of flight. I was lucky to have a slave who was eager to serve by getting my bags and driving us home and tucking me into bed.

What is the importance of thinking in levels to the submissive or slave? Well, there’s the S-type who is looking for their dominant. It’s good to know what the strongest attraction is for them. What if a brainy intellectual dominant does it for them? That information should be the strongest lead as they search. If a particular body type rings their Inner Voice then lead with that. Other traits can be secondary. Once the S-type has their desired dominant then, in my opinion, it is good to understand the dynamic between them. Instead of a mysterious, wondrous something that draws you to me you’ll know why. For instance, it is better to know that the highest level can only happen in momentary events. Your appreciation of those moments and of me will be greater.

What is the importance of levels to the dominant? How might this way of thinking make the D a better D? Might there be better care of the S? The D is experienced at using everything that presents itself in making the power dynamic sing. If the S is particularly excited by the body type or the spiritual persona or the deep voice of the dominant then the D can play with that aspect. They can make it more enhanced and draw the S to them tightly or knowingly reduce the attraction. The D really should remember that the S has a great desire for the highest levels so offer your S those special moments—the D/s or M/s moment of circulated dominant and submissive energy and true intimacy—so that they get there. If your S gets there through the base level then have at it.

The goals for the couple get played out in whatever form of power dynamic the couple has established, which has at its core some unique attractants like the S being drawn powerfully to his/her master/mistress.

Mistress Sky is a tantra practitioner, bondage queen, and hypnotist. Professionally, Sky is a life positive counselor for alternative lifestyles at Gates Counseling. She gives presentations and workshops and writes about Unequal Partnership, the dominance/submission model that she developed over the last ten years.

Power Exchange Dating: Part Two

August 8, 2016 By Mistress Sky 2 Comments

Read part one here.

Dating Search for the Just Right Dominant

How can I know if my dating partner is The One? When we consider this question in a dominance/submission light it becomes more than just a dating advice question. Let’s consider how a dating person might sharpen their focus to increase the likelihood of finding their D (dominant).

This is the second of three articles that consider what issues to keep in mind if you want to ease on into a D/S (M/s) partnership. This article is for those who seek a D-type.

Things to Know from the Get-go
1. First, distinguish in your own mind that you are different from the general dating crowd.
2.You want a life partner who is strongly committed to power exchange. You want them to build a long-term sustainable loving relationship . . . with you.
3.Consider what you have to offer a potential mate, as well.
4.Then, date. Have fun. Think of dating as your own personal system of discovery.
5.Your goal should be to settle into dominance/submission partnership.
6.Last, always be headed toward negotiations. Negotiations officially mark the beginning of a wonderful structured (agreement-based) relationship.

How Prepared are You to Be a Partner
Yes, it really is a good idea to give some honest thought to your own preparedness. Think “partner” all the while you are dating. “Partner” in short means being a continuously active contributor toward the good health of the relationship. So, what do you have to offer? Maybe, you are college-educated or highly skilled. Are you a professional chef or a wonderful home cook? Organizational skills? How developed are your soft skills such as being a really good listener, having patience, being observant?

How able are you to speak about your needs? Can you speak up for yourself? It’s a good idea to work on being a clear communicator.

In the Big Picture What Should a D-type Be?
You want to see self-assurance, self-respect, and evidence that self-development is important. What kind of dominance/submission is this person practicing? The dominant takes the most responsibility for structural elements like where the relationship is going and monitoring the health of the relationship. Is this the relationship container that you want to walk into and live within? How much experience does this person have? Do you mind if they have little experience and are proposing that you learn together? If that’s the case, then what’s their plan for learning?

What are the Traits of Your Ideal D–type?
Notice how your date behaves with other people. How decisive are they? How kind are they? Where is the evidence that they genuinely care about others? Know what your Dealbreakers are.

Write down your own deeply-held Must Haves. Perhaps you feel a deep thrill inside when you submit to a big-bodied, physically strong dominant. Perhaps, what your Deeper Self is hungry for is a big brain intellectual. Maybe at the top of your list is a very spiritually-oriented dominant. Maybe an energetic, fun, goofy personality or a sports lover is what gets your gut excited.

What Should You Avoid While Power Exchange Dating?
Vet your prospective dominant. Your search is for someone who is ethical and caring. Ask the person you are dating for references and check them. If they balk then consider their absence in your life as no loss.

Remember—deference is in your submissive hands. You and the dominant should be able to talk explicitly about control. As long as you are comfortable with the slanting of power and control then great. Did it happen at a deliberate pace that makes you feel good? Are you giving up some control because you want to do so?

You want to avoid manipulation and power grabs. Dominance does not mean domineering. Dominance should always mean true leadership. A real leader practices Power With, not Power Over. Power With refers to sharing, true consent throughout the relationship, inclusiveness, excellent communication strategies, and empowerment for all. Power Over equals abuse.

Use your intuition to stay safe. It’s a natural alarm system. Listen to it and ACT. If a situation supports your empowerment then go forth. If your gut is gripping tight even a little then HOLD UP. If things are questionable now during dating don’t think that they will improve once you, two, commit. Don’t make excuses for the other person’s behavior.

Don’t feel stuck. Ever. Initial consent is not final. Repeatedly review if you have what you want and if this is what makes you giddy.

Always be Headed toward Negotiations
Now, you are considering this person seriously. You will have noticed an easy partnership forming over time. Time for formal negotiations. Some people like relationship contracts, a non-legal document that sets down your agreements. It feels great to form agreements and live by them. With or without a contract, your joint intention is to meet all needs. Go forth into your wonderful future as a healthy, happy D/s (M/s) couple negotiating again and again as needed.

Opinion: The Dominant Submissive

July 5, 2016 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

No matter where you are in the BDSM continuum – from newbie to experienced – there is one “Prime Directive” (thank you Star Trek) — whether one is a Top or bottom, sadist or masochist, Dom/me or slave, we all want what we want.

If one is a Top, it is relatively easy to get what you want. After all, he/she is in a power position – whether in a scene or in a relationship. But submissives are given no such inherent control.

Thus, the “Dominant submissive” is rather common in our lifestyle.

“The Dominant submissive.” The phrase grabs your attention; but what exactly does the expression mean? Surely, it is not a submissive walking around with a flogger in his/her hand. What I mean by “the Dominant submissive” is a sub whose needs are not being met and becomes quite dominant in an attempt to get what he or she wants from her Master/Mistress.

As I had stated, we all want what we want – Dom, sub or the man in the moon! Thus, there is a natural tendency for all submissives to be subtly demanding in the area of self-fulfillment. After all, a submissive who likes being flogged gets flogged. What we will examine here is where ‘stating your needs’ ends and becoming a ‘Dominant submissive’ begins.

Master/slave and Dom/sub relationships are rarely as perfect in real life as they seem to be online. The idealized world of faultless submissives is a rarity; in fact, it is just about as atypical as the world of perfect Masters. Here is where we enter the human area where Dominance and submission often do not mesh smoothly.

Even the most submissive of submissives can be just as demanding in his/her needs as any Dominant. Of course, need number one should be to please the Dominant. However, the Dom/me should recognize that submissives may have other very specific needs that, if unmet, will eventually tear at the fabric of the relationship. Once the Dom/me recognizes this, and doesn’t react to a submissive clearly stating requests with the old “you’re being too toppy” retort, then the relationship can move forward without problems.

We are not talking about “topping from the bottom.” That usually refers to scene etiquette. For example, “You hit like a girl” uttered in the middle of a scene is classic bottom-topping.

What we are referring to is the normal human need of any person to have their desires met. The term “Dominant submissive,” is really more of an acknowledgement that a submissive’s desires can be every bit as important to the submissive as the Dominant’s need are to him. Often a Dom can get so wrapped up in his/her power that this fact is often neglected. There is a famous saying that “power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

Thus, if one senses a bit of “Dominance” in a submissive’s demeanor, rather than get out the punishment tool, try to understand what he/she is willing to become dominant over. It is relatively easy to identify the requirements of a submissive. Just ask. Don’t over react to your sub’s stating that he/she “wants to be caned this weekend” or “wants to go to the movies” or “his/her butt hurts and wants to skip the dungeon” as though he/she were becoming the Dominant. Depending on your personal protocol, you might ask your slave to add the word “please” to any requests; but the sub cannot expect you to read his/her mind. By making his/her desires clear, he/she is not taking over your role. The submissive is simply communicating. After all, telepathy has not been perfected yet!

Communication is still the most important aspect of any relationship. In a D/s relationship, a submissive must find ways to commune with his/her Dominant. A Dom/me cannot just guess what his submissive likes; he cannot use trial and error. And the Dominant must be wise enough to understand that ignoring his sub’s basic desires can eventually turn her into a “Dominant submissive.” Of course, the Dom/me is going to push soft limits and explore areas that the sub might not ordinarily do on her own. That is the fun, and privilege, of Dominance. But, there is nothing wrong with a Master being aware of his submissive’s needs and making sure most of them are met. This is not un-Domly. It is smart. And it is the best way to insure that both of you get what you want!

Power Exchange vs. Power Struggle

July 5, 2016 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

When I was married I was in a power exchange relationship – except I didn’t know it. He believed that we should have certain roles in the relationship. It wasn’t based on gender. For example – if one person works, the other takes care of the house. Who works depends on who makes more money. As far as personality he was dominant, but not in a healthy way. Without disclosing too much I will just say that I think it was that “take charge” attitude that attracted me, yet I didn’t realize at the time (I was only 18 when we met) that it was more of an unhealthy control issue for him. However, even though there was a control dynamic there, it was in a very vanilla way. I had not consented to a power exchange and, in fact, had no clue what that even was. I had no idea about this world of kink and D/s. So having been raised by a very strong and independent mother, I struggled for control in the relationship as well.

Now that I’ve been in this scene and in D/s relationships I can look back on my vanilla marriage and see that it was a power struggle. Not power exchange. I believe that many, if not most, vanilla relationships deal with power struggle. There are no clear boundaries or expectations set. Both people are vying for control and the result is fighting, passive aggressive behavior, and built up resentment.

Disclaimer: if you find yourself thinking, “not all vanilla relationships are like that” or “are you saying vanilla relationships are inferior?” or ……. (you get the point). I am not saying this theory applies to all vanilla relationships. Nor am I saying that vanilla relationships are inferior. I am speaking to one little piece of the puzzle that I see as a common theme in vanilla versus power exchange dynamic.

I will use a simple example. For many couples it’s common for them to let their partner know they arrived at their destination safely. (friends do this too) Let’s apply this to a vanilla couple first. One person (person A) is going somewhere and their partner (B) asks them to send a text when they get there so they know they arrived safely. Person A forgets. Partner B is worried and finally gets thru to person A. They are relieved that person A is safe, however, now they are also angry that person A forgot to text and feels it was inconsiderate and not taking their feelings of concern into account. When person A gets home, person B expresses their anger and they get into a fight about it because person A didn’t mean to be inconsiderate – they just got distracted. Yet, arguing ensues due to feeling hurt, disappointed, unfairly accused, etc.

Apply the same scenario to a power exchange couple. In this case it has been established that the text is a part of their protocol and it is an expectation. Partner A knows that if the text doesn’t happen there will be some sort of punishment. Partner A forgets to text. Partner B is worried, then angry/disappointed, just like in the vanilla scenario. The difference is twofold. First, the expectation was set and, therefore, person A accepts responsibility for their mistake and doesn’t try to argue their case. Yes, there is human error regarding memory, distraction, etc. and person A didn’t do it on purpose. However, the protocol was broken. Second, later that night when they come home, person B explains why they were upset, reminds person A about the reason for the protocol and carries out the punishment. Person A accepts the punishment and apologizes for breaking protocol. They hug it out. They move on with their evening. No struggle for who’s “right” or lashing out in anger. It’s done.

If looked at from this perspective I really think this is one reason why D/s relationships are my preference. Everyone knows what’s expected of them. There isn’t a struggle for Dominance or control. It’s not to say there isn’t struggle or fighting in D/s relationships. However, I think there’s a lot less, especially when it comes to the smaller things. Please feel free to tell me about some of your experiences with power struggle vs. exchange in the comment section below!

Protocol and Rituals

June 20, 2016 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

First thing in the morning you send your Sir a text as soon as you wake up knowing you will receive a text back with a familiar response.

After you play you assume your agreed upon position until ordered to stand and then you both sit together, your head in his lap. Then after a while you quietly talk about the scene.

Upon returning home to your Mistress you set your things aside in a designated area. You then strip down and assume a position until she tells you to stand. You exchange mantras with one another, the Mistress places your collar around your neck, you enjoy a tight hug, and then go about your evening.

At dinner you ask your Sir permission to eat and later that week at a vanilla dinner party you, instead, make a clear comment about how delicious the food looks and he replies that it certainly does. This is the way you maintain asking permission while amongst non-kinky friends and family.

At a public event (kink or vanilla) from across a large crowded room you look to your Sir and he holds up one finger. This means he needs a drink refill. So without talking or having to come over to you or even pause his conversation – he has given a command. You prepare a drink and deliver it. (the person he’s speaking to is very impressed by the way!)
At night, right before you both get into bed, you get on your knees in front of your Sir and say a mantra that speaks to your submission to him. He replies with a mantra that peaks to his leadership and protection of you in the relationship.

The things I’ve listed above are just a few, and simple, examples of various protocols and rituals that partners in power exchange dynamics use in day to day life.

Protocol: A formalized set of rules controlling the interaction between D-types and s-types.

Ritual: The way in which a protocol is carried out.

Other people may define the difference in various ways, but for the purpose of this article I will treat them as a pair that go hand in hand.

So why do D/s partners utilize protocols and rituals? There are many reasons. At the surface they are used to train the s-type in how the D-type would like to be served. They may create expectations surrounding behavior, punishment, and service. They may be things that make life easier for the D-type, or reinforce the actions of the s-type. They certainly reinforce the power exchange. They help transition head space. In my opinion, however, there is an underlying reason and byproduct for all protocols and rituals. It is, again my opinion, the most important element of all. Connection. Protocols and rituals reinforce the power dynamic and the connection shared between partners.

Think about how many people come home from work only to greet their partner with “I’m home!” right before they plop on the couch to zone out on tv. They go about their day without communicating with one another because they get so busy with work. Going to sleep they watch tv until their eyes are like bricks and so they simply roll over and start snoring. Now go back and think about the protocols I listed at the top. These are examples of so many ideas that keep you both connected to one another every day and perhaps multiple times a day. They allow us to push away the outside world for a moment and be present with one another. Even if it’s a task that has been assigned when not together – who do you think the s-type is thinking of when they perform the task? Not the report that’s due tomorrow, it’s their D-type. Many people have protocols without labeling them as such. A vanilla couple that always go to the market together, one picks the meat for the week, the other is in charge of produce. They don’t call that protocol but that’s what it’s become. They can count on their weekly Sunday market trip and how they will go about it.

I have always loved protocol for this reason. It’s just between you and your partner, a silent understanding. Connection.

A Kink Engagement Ring

June 6, 2016 By anniebear 4 Comments

The Eternity collar straight form the packaging.

You might have caught my two part, true telling of my surprise birthday party in the erotica section a few weeks ago. While the entire party was wonderful with all of my friends in attendance, the huge surprises around every corner, and also Sprinkles cupcakes (!), by far the best and biggest surprise of all was my partner Dexx presenting me with a collar of consideration. If you’re not familiar with what some consider the protocol and process on the path to collaring, our contributor Baadmaster wrote an excellent series of articles on the subject with more details. But, receiving my consideration collar was the greatest gift Dexx could have ever given me. It’s a slim, silver, brush metal design with a screw in lock. I barely even notice it anymore as it has quickly become a part of me. Not only does the collar honor me, it also shows the world that I have an owner. It is my “kinky engagement ring” if you will.

A happy anniebear in her Eternity collar!

The maker of my collar is Eternity Collars. I find this specific collar company special because for them a collar is akin to an engagement ring. Should Dexx and I be in a vanilla relationship, this collar is equivalent to any rock on my finger. Sharing a 24/7 collar is a momentous occasion and it can be difficult to find just the right piece to work with your lifestyle. It needs to be subtle enough as to be worn at work or around family members. It needs to be durable as to stand the test of time, to be worn in the shower, pool, or ocean as well as during scenes in play. It also needs to be stylish and versatile for the fashionista in me! I have a scrawny little bird neck. Most collars are enormous on me and flop around. Eternity offers custom sizing to accommodate anyone. I personally feel if you’re giving a collar to someone to wear around their neck, 24/7, for potentially the rest of their lives, it might be a good idea to at least get a measurement.

I wear my collar with pride and honor. I often receive compliments and people ask where I got it from. I was recently at a dungeon and someone asked if it was Eternity. They said a prior Dominant of theirs had gifted them with a pair of cuffs from the same maker and that she too had loved them. It’s definitely a universal sign of thought and devotion as much as any engagement ring.

So what does a collar mean to you? Do you prefer something else besides a collar or maybe you opt for a tattoo? Let us know in the comments!

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