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Do you identify as a D-type?
Do you want to improve your power exchange relationships?
Do you realize that there’s always room for improvement?
Then, check out this awesome video by Evie Lupine on how to improve your Domming/Dommeing skills!
If you were wondering about the #9357, it refers to the fact that there are likely 9357 lifestylers debating “Where does topping from the bottom start and where does it end?’ This is the bondage equivalent of debating, “Who is better Tom Brady or Drew Brees?” Or, “Who is the better singer, Adele or the late Whitney Houston?” (Brady, Houston!) These are unanswerable, subjective opinion questions that can entertain you for hours, but there really is no definitive answer, Similarly, this week’s “Ask BaadMaster” question lacks a definitive answer – it does have within it many opinions as answers that will give your BDSM journey some great signposts. So, here it is:
Reader: I am a collared female submissive. Every time I ask my Dom for something, like a McDonald’s hamburger, or make any of my “wants” known, he tells me I am “topping from the bottom,” and punishes me. Is he right?
Before I can hazard a guess, I would have to know certain details of your relationship. At the very least, is this is a negotiated relationship or a less formal D/s union. (There are many articles on “Negotiation” here on kinkweekly.com . Just search “Negotiation” and many great articles come up. And not are all mine!) The beauty of D/s is that you can negotiate in advance the structure of the relationship. For example, if a “slave contract” were signed in a high protocol union, (again, see the “Slave Contract” piece), most times the contract begins with something like, “The slave agrees to obey her Master in all respects. Her mind, body, heart and time belong to Him.” If this is the case, the way the slave asked for her hamburger is the determinant whether the Dom is right or wrong. If she said, “There’s a MickeyD’s, pull in, I’m hungry” she might have been “topping from the bottom” depending on the terms in the contract. On the other hand, it is the Master’s obligation (also in many contracts) “to feed her if she is hungry.” So, if he was not feeding her and, out of hunger and frustration, she said “get me a burger,” the Master is not only at fault, he is also an idiot. “Feed your slave” is commandment number one!
Most Doms can not read minds (although many act as though they can), so there must always be a way for a slave to express her needs. This is called protocol, as in “Master, or Sir, may I…?” Now if the slave says “Master, may slave have a cheeseburger?” and he calls this topping from the bottom, he is dead wrong.
Most times, these kinds of problems arise when people jump into a D/s relationship without the proper understanding or expectations. For example, a relatively new “slave” signs her first contract and after a while, she gets sick of asking, “Master, may I…?” and longs for her vanilla ways. “Gimme a Big Mac” seems a much easier way to get what she wants. It is up to the Master to correct these habits – or give the slave off time where she can talk in a less formal way. But even with a lot of free time she finds all this structure a drag, it is time for her to give up the slave routine.
In a Master/slave or Dom/sub relationship, protocol and communication are paramount. Wants must be made known, using the proper protocol of a negotiated D/s relationship. The Dom should not have to read his sub’s mind. The sub cannot be expected to be a silent statue waiting for her Dom to figure out what she needs. If she is hungry, she must be able to let him know other than by looking malnourished.
On the other hand, many new Doms think they are Lord and Master and any request made by their sub is “topping from the bottom.” Wrong – on two counts. One, it is wrong, duh! Two, keep this up long enough and slave will become ex-slave.
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
Now and then, someone arrives in my inbox with a conundrum. Their dominant has, out of the blue, asked them to do the topping.
If one is always the bottom, always the submissive, suddenly being asked to do the exact opposite can be a startling prospect. I can easily imagine a deer in headlights expression as their brain freezes on that thought and cannot go forward.
“I don’t know how to hurt him”
“I don’t know that I can.”
“He is my master and I never want to see him in pain–let alone cause it.”
Dominant does not always mean being the top. I’ve said many times that the bottom can be the dominant. I am a dominant sadomasochist. Whether I’m the top or the bottom, I’m the boss.
Service topping is a thing.
Submissive top is a thing.
There’s nothing wrong with either of those things.
In this moment, we are seeing the dominant bottom/submissive top dynamic in action.
First thing’s first. “I don’t know how…” Stop right there. The simplest solution is right in front of you. ASK your dominant to teach you the implements they want you to use on them. There’s nothing to fear in learning how to swing a flogger or a paddle. You’re more likely to hit far too lightly in your initial efforts. The pillow you use for a target won’t really care. For all the “you’ll put out your eye” warnings about single tails, I don’t know anyone who actually has. It’s not that difficult to learn if you learn flogging first. If you’re an impact bottom, zinging yourself now and then is actually a bit of a bonus. Think about how your dominant uses them on you. Apply the techniques to your practice.
Ask your dom to teach you the lines they want you to say. Write out the script if you have to. Practice by yourself in front a mirror until you can say those lines easily. Actors practice their lines. The first few times you do this, you may as well consider yourself an actor. There’s no harm in practicing your script.
“I don’t know that I can” – Once you’ve learned how to handle the implements and say your lines, you’re one transition from doing it to a human being. You know you are capable in the sense of making the paddle work (on a pillow) so you take that big breath and you let the paddle swing to make contact with human flesh. Guaranteed you’ll barely bap the ass, but that’s okay. You’ve gotten past the hardest part. Actually swinging a paddle (or flogger) at a human being.
While you’re engaging in your very first topping scene, your dominant should be coaching and coaxing you along and telling you what you’re doing well and when to go harder.. You know what you can take. You know how hard your ass is hit, how hard the flogger is swung. Build up your force just like your dominant does. At the same time, you’ll build up your confidence.
You have a plethora of technique and experience at your disposal. Use it.
The thing to remember is that you are serving your dominant how they want to be served. Pain is pleasure to the sadomasochist. In pain, there is freedom. You are providing both and learning an entirely new skillset at the same time. There’s certainly nothing wrong about that.
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.
Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor
Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2
You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.
As the New Year is close at hand, I wanted to end the year answering some readers’ questions. Rather than write in the abstract, responding to real life questions makes it so much more personal. Here is a question that, I think, everyone in the lifestyle – from beginner to expert — has pondered.
Every time I ask my Dom for something — like a McDonald’s hamburger — or
make any of my “wants” known, he tells me I am “topping from the bottom” and
punishes me. I signed a slave contract, so is he right?
As we head into 2018, we have to take into account the direction that BDSM is moving. I would opine that we are moving towards a more varied and inclusive BDSM world. Switching, for example, is much more common today – or simply more admitted! So to answer this question, we would have to know where this sub’s relationship falls on the D/s continuum. Is it a classic “Old Guard” high protocol Master/slave relationship or a modern, lower protocol, play-oriented one? Or something in between? One person’s “bottom topping” is another’s “strict discipline.” No longer is high protocol 24/7 Master slave the only way to go – or the only protocol to aspire to. You might say that, within reason – anything goes. And that, at least to me, is a good thing.
Thus, to answer this question, we would have to know what was in the slave contract. The beauty of D/s is that you can negotiate in advance the structure of the relationship in the contract. For example, if your slave contract (see my kinkweekly.com “Slave Contract” article), was a strict protocol document, your Dom/me has the right to punish you and he would be correct. (Of course, since slave contracts cannot legally be enforced, even if he were right, you can still just end the relationship.) On the other hand, if this were a more casual D/s union with a light contract, the Dom/me would be totally wrong.
Most times, these kinds of problems arise when people jump into a D/s relationship without the proper understanding or expectations. For example, a relatively new “slave” signs his/her first contract and after a while she gets sick of asking “Master, may I…?” and longs for his/her vanilla ways. “Gimme a Big Mac” seems a much easier way to get what he/she wants. It is up to the Dominant to correct these habits early and in the context of the protocols of their relationship. If he cannot, or the submissive is unwilling and finds all this structure a drag, it is time for them to give up the Master/slave routine.
In a Master/slave or Dom/sub relationship, defined protocols and honest communication are paramount. Wants must be made known, using the proper protocol of the negotiated D/s relationship. The Dom/me should not have to read the sub’s mind. The sub cannot be expected to be a silent statue waiting for her Dom/me to figure out what she needs. If she is hungry, she must be able to let him know other than by looking like he/she is famished. Topping from the bottom is better than starving on the bottom!
I might add, in 2018, one would be advised to take your time and build a relationship. In this new era, it is not wise to just tie up and flog some stranger you just met at a club. I will be covering “BDSM in the New Era” in a future article. Until then…
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
No matter where you are in the BDSM continuum – from newbie to experienced – there is one “Prime Directive” (thank you Star Trek) — whether one is a Top or bottom, sadist or masochist, Dom/me or slave, we all want what we want.
If one is a Top, it is relatively easy to get what you want. After all, he/she is in a power position – whether in a scene or in a relationship. But submissives are given no such inherent control.
Thus, the “Dominant submissive” is rather common in our lifestyle.
“The Dominant submissive.” The phrase grabs your attention; but what exactly does the expression mean? Surely, it is not a submissive walking around with a flogger in his/her hand. What I mean by “the Dominant submissive” is a sub whose needs are not being met and becomes quite dominant in an attempt to get what he or she wants from her Master/Mistress.
As I had stated, we all want what we want – Dom, sub or the man in the moon! Thus, there is a natural tendency for all submissives to be subtly demanding in the area of self-fulfillment. After all, a submissive who likes being flogged gets flogged. What we will examine here is where ‘stating your needs’ ends and becoming a ‘Dominant submissive’ begins.
Master/slave and Dom/sub relationships are rarely as perfect in real life as they seem to be online. The idealized world of faultless submissives is a rarity; in fact, it is just about as atypical as the world of perfect Masters. Here is where we enter the human area where Dominance and submission often do not mesh smoothly.
Even the most submissive of submissives can be just as demanding in his/her needs as any Dominant. Of course, need number one should be to please the Dominant. However, the Dom/me should recognize that submissives may have other very specific needs that, if unmet, will eventually tear at the fabric of the relationship. Once the Dom/me recognizes this, and doesn’t react to a submissive clearly stating requests with the old “you’re being too toppy” retort, then the relationship can move forward without problems.
We are not talking about “topping from the bottom.” That usually refers to scene etiquette. For example, “You hit like a girl” uttered in the middle of a scene is classic bottom-topping.
What we are referring to is the normal human need of any person to have their desires met. The term “Dominant submissive,” is really more of an acknowledgement that a submissive’s desires can be every bit as important to the submissive as the Dominant’s need are to him. Often a Dom can get so wrapped up in his/her power that this fact is often neglected. There is a famous saying that “power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
Thus, if one senses a bit of “Dominance” in a submissive’s demeanor, rather than get out the punishment tool, try to understand what he/she is willing to become dominant over. It is relatively easy to identify the requirements of a submissive. Just ask. Don’t over react to your sub’s stating that he/she “wants to be caned this weekend” or “wants to go to the movies” or “his/her butt hurts and wants to skip the dungeon” as though he/she were becoming the Dominant. Depending on your personal protocol, you might ask your slave to add the word “please” to any requests; but the sub cannot expect you to read his/her mind. By making his/her desires clear, he/she is not taking over your role. The submissive is simply communicating. After all, telepathy has not been perfected yet!
Communication is still the most important aspect of any relationship. In a D/s relationship, a submissive must find ways to commune with his/her Dominant. A Dom/me cannot just guess what his submissive likes; he cannot use trial and error. And the Dominant must be wise enough to understand that ignoring his sub’s basic desires can eventually turn her into a “Dominant submissive.” Of course, the Dom/me is going to push soft limits and explore areas that the sub might not ordinarily do on her own. That is the fun, and privilege, of Dominance. But, there is nothing wrong with a Master being aware of his submissive’s needs and making sure most of them are met. This is not un-Domly. It is smart. And it is the best way to insure that both of you get what you want!
By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.