submissive

The “Charlie Brown” Scene

July 19, 2016 By Jenn Masri Leave a Comment

You know the one. Everything just goes sideways. Nothing you planned seems to go the way you imagined. There are a few ways this can happen, but for this article I’m not going to talk about hitting triggers or pushing limits too far. I’m going to focus on a scene that includes things that you’ve maybe done a hundred times. A scene that, on paper, should be fantastic.

How can a scene like this go wrong?

Often it’s about head space. This can go for either partner. If the bottom had a rough day or they are stressed about work, family, etc. – it may be very difficult for them to stay connected during play. Same goes for the Top. Perhaps there are emotional or hormonal influences. One or both partners feel emotional (anxiety, sadness, depression, irritability…) and not know why. Yet it influences their focus on the scene or maybe their ability to “let go” and enjoy the moment they are sharing.

It may be indicative of a relationship issue. Perhaps something that happened shortly before the scene (minutes, hours, or days) that has yet to be discussed or resolved.

Other people in the room can also have a huge impact on head space. There may be another scene nearby that is completely distracting. Or, my favorite (can you hear the sarcasm here?), the rude “peanut gallery” standing way too close and having their own conversation or – better yet – throwing their two cents into your scene. These are all external influences that can really effect head space.

Another situation that causes a “Charlie Brown” scene is when the Top forgets which partner they’re playing with. This may sound absurd to some people reading this, however, I assure you it happens. What I mean by this is when the Top has several play partners and they mix up likes vs dislikes or they get a bit ahead of themselves and skip over the warm up, thus putting the bottom in “toleration” mode.

So what do you?

Whenever the scene is over, I recommend you have a conversation. (I know I always harp on the whole communication thing – Gah!) When the scene is over depends on you and/or your partner. Many times when a scene is just not going well, regardless of how many things you try, one person will call it before it would normally be over. This is ok. Even if you wanted it to continue, I recommend not “guilting” your partner about stopping the scene short.

Talk about what you’re feeling or what it is that’s on your mind. If it was external “noise” from other people then take a moment and decide whether or not you want to continue to play – perhaps in a different room. If it’s individual stressors or emotional reactions, let whichever partner that is having the feels talk it out. Maybe once they’ve vented a bit you can try to play again. If it was the scene itself (as in the scenario where the Top isn’t tuned into their partner who’s in front of them) then talk about what came up, what the Top was thinking or what felt off for the bottom. Decide together if you want to give it another go. As far as the unresolved relationship issues, well, work at resolving them! Not only that – also try and communicate about how to resolve issues in the future before they become a problem that, in turn, disrupts play.

Having said all that I will add that of course there are reasons a scene can go south that I haven’t mentioned. Hopefully you get the general idea. Sometimes you gotta just chalk it up to an off night, go home and watch TV, and then try again another day. That is perfectly ok too.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Opinion: The Dominant Submissive

July 5, 2016 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

No matter where you are in the BDSM continuum – from newbie to experienced – there is one “Prime Directive” (thank you Star Trek) — whether one is a Top or bottom, sadist or masochist, Dom/me or slave, we all want what we want.

If one is a Top, it is relatively easy to get what you want. After all, he/she is in a power position – whether in a scene or in a relationship. But submissives are given no such inherent control.

Thus, the “Dominant submissive” is rather common in our lifestyle.

“The Dominant submissive.” The phrase grabs your attention; but what exactly does the expression mean? Surely, it is not a submissive walking around with a flogger in his/her hand. What I mean by “the Dominant submissive” is a sub whose needs are not being met and becomes quite dominant in an attempt to get what he or she wants from her Master/Mistress.

As I had stated, we all want what we want – Dom, sub or the man in the moon! Thus, there is a natural tendency for all submissives to be subtly demanding in the area of self-fulfillment. After all, a submissive who likes being flogged gets flogged. What we will examine here is where ‘stating your needs’ ends and becoming a ‘Dominant submissive’ begins.

Master/slave and Dom/sub relationships are rarely as perfect in real life as they seem to be online. The idealized world of faultless submissives is a rarity; in fact, it is just about as atypical as the world of perfect Masters. Here is where we enter the human area where Dominance and submission often do not mesh smoothly.

Even the most submissive of submissives can be just as demanding in his/her needs as any Dominant. Of course, need number one should be to please the Dominant. However, the Dom/me should recognize that submissives may have other very specific needs that, if unmet, will eventually tear at the fabric of the relationship. Once the Dom/me recognizes this, and doesn’t react to a submissive clearly stating requests with the old “you’re being too toppy” retort, then the relationship can move forward without problems.

We are not talking about “topping from the bottom.” That usually refers to scene etiquette. For example, “You hit like a girl” uttered in the middle of a scene is classic bottom-topping.

What we are referring to is the normal human need of any person to have their desires met. The term “Dominant submissive,” is really more of an acknowledgement that a submissive’s desires can be every bit as important to the submissive as the Dominant’s need are to him. Often a Dom can get so wrapped up in his/her power that this fact is often neglected. There is a famous saying that “power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

Thus, if one senses a bit of “Dominance” in a submissive’s demeanor, rather than get out the punishment tool, try to understand what he/she is willing to become dominant over. It is relatively easy to identify the requirements of a submissive. Just ask. Don’t over react to your sub’s stating that he/she “wants to be caned this weekend” or “wants to go to the movies” or “his/her butt hurts and wants to skip the dungeon” as though he/she were becoming the Dominant. Depending on your personal protocol, you might ask your slave to add the word “please” to any requests; but the sub cannot expect you to read his/her mind. By making his/her desires clear, he/she is not taking over your role. The submissive is simply communicating. After all, telepathy has not been perfected yet!

Communication is still the most important aspect of any relationship. In a D/s relationship, a submissive must find ways to commune with his/her Dominant. A Dom/me cannot just guess what his submissive likes; he cannot use trial and error. And the Dominant must be wise enough to understand that ignoring his sub’s basic desires can eventually turn her into a “Dominant submissive.” Of course, the Dom/me is going to push soft limits and explore areas that the sub might not ordinarily do on her own. That is the fun, and privilege, of Dominance. But, there is nothing wrong with a Master being aware of his submissive’s needs and making sure most of them are met. This is not un-Domly. It is smart. And it is the best way to insure that both of you get what you want!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

anniebear the housewife

May 17, 2016 By Christopher Robin 2 Comments

Photographer: Christopher Robin Model: anniebear

anniebear is in her element as the naughty, subservient housewife. Someone did not have dinner ready in time and is in need of a proper spanking.

The Myth of Perfection

May 2, 2016 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

Most of us come to BDSM from the vanilla world. Very few start off our sexual and play lives in the realm of bondage, rope and restraints. (I am sure there are a few lucky ones out there who have. I was surely not one of them. Maybe, in my next life!) One of the first things that hit you, when you enter this lifestyle, is how exciting it can be. Ideally, BDSM should tap into a part of your soul that was unfulfilled in your vanilla days. After all, if vanilla were so great, why would we all be here? But, the ticket of admission comes with a price. One cost is wading through a minefield of pervasive myths, fallacies and misconceptions.

One of the most widespread of these is what I call “the myth of perfection.” This is when a submissive expects his/her Dom/me to be perfect – or, when the Dominant expects perfection from his/her slave. One reason this myth has such staying power is that it is very sensual, sexual and alluring. For example, “The Story of O” is a fantastic tale of slave O’s faultless devotion to her perfect Sir. Romantic? Yes. Exciting? Yes. Likely? No!

“Fifty Shades of Grey” features a so-called Master with movie star looks, a helicopter and billions of dollars. Talk about superficial perfection. Hopefully, most new submissives are not buying into this fantasy as a requirement when they meet a Dominant. (I have a radio-controlled helicopter. Does that count? LOL!)

Online, of course, all Masters are honorable, all are marvelously skilled and all know how to properly train a slave to a “T.” Subs and slaves talk with flawless protocol; never is a “Sir” or “Ma’am” missed during online interactions. But, once we get to real life, a more reasoned appraisal is in order. It is in this context that I have compiled a few principles that should be helpful in your BDSM relationships. They are —

1. There is no such thing as a perfect Master — or a perfect slave.
2. There is rarely such a thing as a perfect Master/slave relationship.
3. You should be able to talk about, within your protocol, any parts of your relationship that are not working. But, during any discussion, you should be searching for solutions, not perfection.

Almost everything in life is a trade-off. From the sub’s point of view, if you are happy with your Dom/me, make sure he/she knows this before you bring up any problems. On the other hand, if the relationship is, on balance, good, it might be wise to simply live with some of your Dom’s less-than-perfect traits.

From the Dominant’s point of view, one should not expect a textbook slave. Do not assume that stringent discipline can make your sub perfect. The Dom/me should have a sense about what infractions should be punished or corrected and those that he/she should let slide. If you nitpick everything, you can drive your sub crazy and take the fun out of the relationship. If you let everything slide, you are not really being a Master or a teacher. Knowing where to draw the D/s line in the sand is a skill that every Dom/me should strive to be proficient at. But, you should always weigh any concerns that you have against the overall satisfaction you get from the relationship. You might not have a perfect sub or a perfect Dom/me, but you might have a perfect relationship!

Striving for perfection is one thing; being unable to accept anything less borders on obsession. A balanced, effective D/s dynamic should be your goal; perfection should not be.

Non-Sexual BDSM Play

March 29, 2016 By Jenn Masri 10 Comments

To many the thought of “non-sexual play” seems equivalent to bread without butter…or mac without cheese. Yes, it’s possible but why would you do it? Where’s the pleasure in that, the enticement?

I mostly hear this from people who are new to the scene. I attribute this to the fact that most of what you see and read in the vanilla world about BDSM is connected to sex and sexual fetish. Mainstream reports or people that want to sell books want to make it titillating to sell more and get more viewers. So it makes sense that many newbies come in with an expectation that it’s always sexual and, if it’s not, why do it?

First I need to break down sexual vs. non-sexual the way I will use it for this article. I am going to be very literal. Many people would argue that every scene, all play, is sexual. If it turns you or the other person on, it’s sexual. Well, first of all, not all play is about sexual arousal. However, that is a discussion for another day. For my purpose I am using non-sexual play to mean that no sexual acts are performed during the scene. No “naughty bits” are touched, no kissing, etc. Does this mean there may not be any sensual energy? Of course not. The energy between play partners is not fully connected to the physical acts performed during the scene. If two people are attracted to one another and there is sensual energy (or even sexual energy – because energy is different than physical touch) then there doesn’t need to be sexual play to feel that. It may even increase arousal and desire if there is no sexual physical touch – because it acts as a huge tease in a way. You may be left wanting more and perhaps your play with that partner does in fact, become physically sexual in nature the next time you get together.

However, let’s take this to another level. Two people playing in a non-sexual way who don’t have attraction toward one another, no sexual or sensual energy between them. This scenario can really boggle minds! I will break this down to two different situations. One is where there is still arousal, however, it has nothing to do with the partner and is actually all about the play, or implement(s), that is being used. Someone may get really turned on when they are being hit by a heavy flogger and it wouldn’t matter if the person wielding it was a giant green slimy ogre. So long as the ogre was skilled at using the flogger. The other situation is when the play really doesn’t have anything to do with arousal at all but instead the purpose is perhaps cathartic release, punishment, or maybe for a demo or performance where the mind is focused on how the scene looks and the technical expectation rather than pure enjoyment.

Often I see it where the person who can’t comprehend how non-sexual play could be enjoyable needs to actually experience non-sexual play to finally wrap their minds around it. Often it’s how I described above where they play with a skilled Top who is good at using toys the s-type loves, yet there is no sexual acts as well as no sexual attraction. They enjoy the scene and maybe experience pleasure from the implements, subspace which is a natural high and/or a cathartic release and they finally get it. How non-sexual play can be absolutely amazing and satisfying in its own way!

Have you had a wonderful non-sexual scene? Please share in the comments section below!

Erotica: Cold

February 22, 2016 By Phi 2 Comments

She looked cute.

I don’t know how else to explain it. She looked cute. She was always pretty, sometimes drop-dead gorgeous, but tonight when I arrived at her apartment, she looked cute.

I couldn’t really contain my smile, though I tried to for the briefest of moments. At one point you realize that the struggle to contain a grin that doesn’t want to be contained is going to make you look even more ridiculous than just letting it happen.

I released a broad smile from captivity and the one she shot back almost made me question my intentions for her that evening.

Almost.

She really was disarmingly beautiful, sometimes. I pulled her toward me to hide my admiration against her lips. Her eyes fluttered closed and I felt her body relax against mine. She was always so responsive to my touch. I felt a momentary pang of guilt for what I was going to put her through later.

She broke the kiss first when the oven timer went off. “Oh, dinner….I have to get it out of the oven!” I let go and watched her scamper off to the kitchen while I took off my coat and hung it bit on a hook by the front door.

I chuckled, admiring the jiggle of her ass as she slid around the corner. She wore a white top that was slightly too long to be classified as “shirt” and slightly too short to be classified as “dress.” It was deeply low cut in the front and cinched just above her waist. I could make out the outline of her breasts and wide hips beneath it, but the part of her outfit that made it so remarkably cute were the fuzzy beige slippers she wore with it. Not heels, not sandals, not barefoot – but fuzzy slippers.

We ate dinner on the couch. She talked excitedly about her plans for the coming weekend and I tried to stay focused on what she was saying and not on the line of her neck where it met her shoulder.

I’d bite there first.

I set my plate down on the table and pushed it away, taking her plate mid-sentence and setting it down as well.

As expected, she responded instantly. Her eyes fluttered half closed, and her body language became open and receptive to me.

I tilted my head and took in the sight of her. Still a little too cute. I reached over and pulled her breasts out from the confines of her top. Her eyes grew wide and she looked up at me.

“Legs.”

She spread them, slowly. I could already taste her scent on the air. She was getting less cute and more wanton by the second.

Reaching between them, I was pleasantly unsurprised that she’d foregone the option to wear panties. She bit her lip and smiled as my fingers made contact with her wetness.

There we go. All that cute and innocent stuff was properly overshadowed now by the shameless slut that fit in with my plans.

I fingered her while she moaned in response. My inner sadist grew more and more excited as she came closer to climax. And, just like the good girl she always was, she finally asked for permission to come.

“No.”

Her eyes flew open. She was shocked. I very rarely denied her. Sometimes I’d say “not yet.”

But I don’t think I’d ever quite said “no” before.

She squirmed as my fingers kept probing. “Please?” she begged.

“No.”

She held her breath and I saw a flicker of panic flash through her eyes. I felt the slightest clench of her pussy around my fingers. She was getting very close. I smiled.

“Please?” The whine was so precious, her voice dripping with longing.

“No…” I mocked her small voice and focused my eyes in on hers, increasing the intensity of the hooking motion with my fingers.

She was struggling now. Her will to obey fighting against a an uncontrollable physical response to my persistent probing. She started to move away from me in an effort to keep from breaking her hold on the orgasm that threatened her compliance.

I’d been expecting that.

With my free hand, I reached around the back of her head and pulled back on her hair, then brought her forward, sinking my teeth into the flesh of her neck and shoulders. She cried out and I felt my own cock twitch.

“Don’t you dare come,” I growled as I kept going.

“Please, no…please! Stop then! I can’t…can’t…. no, no, no, no…oh, God….please….I …..”

I was impressed with how long she was holding out, but eventually she had to cave. I felt the pulsing of her orgasm around my fingers as her body convulsed and her screams echoed off the walls of the apartment. Her neighbors would have heard that.

When she finished and opened her eyes to look at me, the tears were already overflowing onto her cheeks.

“I’m sorry….”

“You will be.”

“Oh, God. Sir…I’m so sorry. Please, I couldn’t help it. You wouldn’t stop.”

I stood her up and flipped her around, pulling a pair of metal cuffs out from my pocket and restraining her wrists behind her back. She was sobbing and my cock twitched again.

“Let’s go,” I grunted, pulling her by the hair toward her bathroom. I roughly shoved her into her shower, took a step back and turned the cold water on. She shrieked as she pressed herself back against the wall to try to get away from the cold stream.

“On your knees.” Her hair was flattening against her face, black streaks of mascara and eyeliner tinting her cheekbones, and the white top becoming more and more translucent as it clung to her every curve.

She was so perfect.

I came all over her shivering face.

Erotic fiction writer. Phi (pronounced “fee”) came into kink at early age and renewed her connection with the lifestyle in 2014 after a decade-long hiatus. A somewhat popular and undeniably avid blogger on fetlife.com under the name phi-is-me, she lives in the suburb of a suburb in southern California with two cats and six pillows.

Spanking and Sub-space

February 22, 2016 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

Let’s take a break from serious topics like “Predator Pro-Dommes” and get back to the wonderful aspects of BDSM. “Sub-space” usually tops the list.

For those of you who are new to the lifestyle, sub-space is usually defined as “an exhilarated state that most believe is caused by a rush of endorphins emitted during a BDSM scene.” Often it appears that the submissive is put into a trance. When in this state, the submissive transcends all that is around him/her and cannot even feel the sting of the lash. Many describe it as “flying” and being in “space”; both are common terms for this phenomenon.

To give you an idea of what sub-space is like, here is an actual description of sub-space taken from a slave’s diary.

“I cannot describe the sensation except to say I felt like Lois Lane when she was being carried into space by Superman! I could still hear the noise of Master still hitting me very hard with the flogger, but it didn’t hurt at all — I couldn’t feel anything. If the room were to have caught on fire, my reaction would have been to say “let’s wait for it to rain!” I wasn’t going anywhere and I didn’t want to go anywhere. My mind was spinning but it was level. My body was drifting in one continuous orgasm. I was at one with everything. I was on a super drug but I took no drugs. I was having super sex but I had no sex. I was in a supersonic plane but I was chained to the ground.”

Subspace appears to be an almost addictive pleasure that many submissives revel in. We have heard submissives say they “live for subspace.” Others have said “sub-space is better than sex.” (Is that why there are so many Doms with loyal followings?) This might be excessive hyperbole, but there is no doubt that it is a very pleasurable state to be in.

So, how do we put a submissive into sub-space? How do we achieve the Holy Grail of BDSM? The most common way is by the use of some kind of pain stimulus. This often causes the body to produce an overabundance of endorphins as a reaction to the pain and is, according to most, the cause of this phenomenon.

Which brings us to the subject at hand, spanking? Yes, there are those who spank who give not a thought as to whether it causes sub-space or not. They enjoy spanking for spankings sake. Many just spank a partner’s butt during sex as a show of Dominance, not as a technique for conjuring up sub-space. Or, they use it as a discipline tool in their D/s life. “You’ve been a naughty girl; it is time for your spanking.”

However, many use spanking as the preferred technique to put a submissive into sub-space. For the purposes of this article, we will use a broad definition of spanking that includes the use of any toy, from the flogger to a wooden spoon and just about anything in between, in addition to the hand. Let’s now list our “Top Ten” (why is it always “Top Ten”?) tips that will help you spank the submissive into sub-space in the safest and easiest manner. These suggestions are not for everybody; all Dominants and submissives are different. But, you can pick and choose among them; use those that work for you.

• Tranquility. The easiest way to put a submissive is to spank in a tranquil setting. Some cool scene music (Enigma?) and few distractions are always a good beginning.

• Breathing. Encourage deep, rhythmic breathing in the submissive. This brings oxygen to the brain and also relaxes the body. If the sub is tense, your spanking session might be fun, but sub-space is unlikely to be achieved.

• Pre-talk. Since the receptivity of the submissive is proportional to trust, make sure you reassure your submissive before your scene. Listen to any concerns he/she might have. (Some subs are afraid of sub-space in much the same way as some people are afraid of hypnosis.) Inspiring confidence goes a long way in BDSM.

• Go slowly. It is better to spank lightly for a long period of time than it is to go heavy and hard for a shorter period of time. Of course, every submissive is different. Some go into deep sub-space only when spanked hard. But, if you are starting out, better to go slowly and take your time then go all out immediately. And, at the very least, warm up lightly.

• Discuss limits. Find out the submissive’s hard limits. If you are the submissive, even if not asked, state them loud and clear. Sometimes marking is a hard limit due to personal considerations. Other times, certain parts of the body are off limits – the back, the breasts, etc. (Rarely is the butt off limits!)

• Safe words. Don’t forget to agree on a safe word. (A word, usually “red,” that stops all play.) This might seem obvious; but it still bears repeating.

• Check on your submissive. Do not simply rely on the safe word to see when enough is enough. When in subspace, the submissive rarely feels any pain. Nor is he/she in a position to say the safe word. Check up on her condition regularly. Use you own judgment, not the submissive’s.

• Different toys for different joys. (Trying to be slick are we? LOL.) Each submissive responds differently to different spanking toys. Some can only be put into sub-space by a hand spanking. Others only by the flogger. Still others only by the cane. Some need an alternating combination of all toys. There is no hard and fast rule. Thus, trial and error is the best way to find out exactly what spanking technique puts your submissive into space.

• Dungeon furniture. Sometimes it takes the ole’ adrenaline rush of the dungeon to overcome resistance to sub-space. Or, it might be a piece of dungeon furniture that does the trick. The spanking bench has been a mainstay of dungeons for years with good reason. It works. A trip to your local dungeon might succeed where home play has failed. Of course, there are always other lifestylers there who can give you some tips so a trip to the local dungeon can be more than worth your while.

• Aftercare. Sub-space is a very energy draining experience for the submissive — both emotionally and physically. So when the session is over, it is up to the Dominant to ease his sub “back to Earth” with skill and sensitivity. This is commonly called “Aftercare.”

Spanking is probably the most popular BDSM activity of all. And sub-space can be the most exciting state a submissive can enter. We hope these ten tips can help you combine these two into an incredible experience!

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The Collar: Part Two

February 8, 2016 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

Our first article covered both the history and the current traditions with respect to collaring.

This article is meant primarily for newbie submissives who have yet to be collared. (As a newbie, you should also read “Predator Dommes” here on Kink Weekly.) Once warned about the pitfalls of being a submissive in the cold, cruel world out there, this article is meant to help you find a legitimate lifestyle Dominant to partner up with and be collared by.

After interviewing a number of subs for this article, I have selected what I feel are the six most instructive comments. Although I offer my interpretation of their ideas, the basis of this piece comes from the submissives themselves. After all, the best way to understand submission – and Dominance too — is to listen to submissives!

“When you are unowned and uncollared, you are a free agent. And, until you select a Master or Dom/me, you can make any decisions you feel are in your own best interest.” Many newbies assume that they must please any Dominant who shows interest in them from the jump. While you might feel submissive to a given Dom/me, until you are collared you are under no obligation to act in a submissive manner. If you want to play, fine. But you are under no obligation to be submissive in any manner contrary to how you feel at that point in time. A wise Dominant will not expect instant submission – unless the submissive is struck by “the thunderbolt” and voluntarily offers it. This leads to the next quote, which is…

“I am a submissive, just not your submissive…yet.” Until you decide to submit, even tentatively, to a Dominant, you are not his/her submissive. Yes, a Dominant might ask for you to address him/her as Sir or Ma’am. You can do this out of respect, if you wish. I personally see no harm in this, especially if you feel there is some potential. But this does not imply that you are his/her submissive. And if the Dominant bullies you, and pushes you past your comfort zone, make your feelings clear. This is not “topping from the bottom.” After all, you are not yet collared!

“No one will drum you out of the lifestyle for making decisions that affect your own life. If you piss off some prospective Dominants, they are probably not worth considering anyway.” If you find that a prospective Dom/me is annoyed by your independent ways, then he/she does not respect the fact that you are still uncollared. Until that day comes – and it can come quickly or over a long period of time – then you should not worry what he/she thinks about your right to make your own decisions. Obviously, once you are collared, pleasing the Dominant becomes an important aspect of your relationship. But until then, you are the captain of your ship. And that includes accepting – or rejecting – any potential Dominant.

“Many submissives are ruined by inexperienced Masters/Mistresses into whose hands they put their psyches.” Being owned or collared can be very intense. Thus, one should truly know and trust, the person you are submitting to. I do, however, disagree with the quote; it is not only inexpert Dom/mes who can cause psychic harm. Knowledgeable Doms can hurt a sub; newbie Doms can be awesome. I think it is more about the person than the experience level. No matter what, you should know the Dom/me in a deep way before you put your psyche into his or her hands.

“Don’t be afraid to use vanilla criteria.” Funny, this piece of advice came from my own slave! What she meant is that certain vanilla criteria – such as sense of humor, style, commonality of interest – can be just as important as play criteria. Ideally, you want both – lifestyle and vanilla. The world, though, is rarely ideal. Still, you want a Dom/me that you actually like – and enjoy spending time with. And not just BDSM time!

“Follow your heart.” At least three submissives said something similar to this. What they meant, it seems, is that you must go at the pace you wish, obey only those you want to obey and — until you are owned – go with your gut instincts. If you feel, deep inside, that the Dominant you meet is “the one,” go for it. But, if your heart says “maybe,” go slow. And if your heart says “no,” don’t be bullied into serving a Dominant just because he/she is Dominant!

Finding a Dominant can be a daunting task – as is finding a slave! But, I think these six observations can be helpful in your quest.

Predator Pro-Dommes

January 18, 2016 By Baadmaster 51 Comments

If you are a male sub this article might be the most important one you will ever read (this might seem excessive hyperbole – until this article saves you heart ache and wallet ache.)

Lately, with BDSM going mainstream, with “Fifty Shades” paving the way, there has been a plethora (not an “epidemic – after all Kink Weekly is not Fox News) of what I call “Predator Pro Dommes” invading our community.

(Warning: this might be extremely politically incorrect.)

With the decline of the adult industry and the economy in general, many female sex workers, pornstars and free lancers (who think this is easy money) have been looking for additional income streams. Enter the compliant male submissive. These men have been targeted by many greedy “Faux Dommes,” since submissives are, by definition, anxious to obey their Mistress. Although most, but not all, of these so-called Predator Pro Dommes are loathe to order a submissive to “Empty your bank account for your Mistress,” expensive wish lists, outrageous fees and pricey “tributes” are common and are red flags if you care about your bank account. (If you are an extreme financial masochist and want a Predator Dominatrix to leave you virtually penniless, or are extremely wealthy, that is your choice. Read no further. On the other hand, if you wish to participate in Financial Domination, as it is called, and skip most other aspects of BDSM, we will offer tips to play economically safe in a subsequent article.)

Now it is one thing for a legitimate Pro Domme to be compensated for her time. I am totally cool with that. But it is quite another thing to coldly and diabolically hustle a submissive into paying through the nose for a so-called Mistress who has no interest in BDSM other than as a means to enrich herself. Besides, not only can it be extremely expensive, but often these so-called Dommes also know little more than “On your knees, slave…worship your Mistress.” Thus, the submissive misses out on much of what BDSM is all about. All at an outrageous price.

So how does a submissive – especially a beginner – protect himself? (Again, this is usually a “Domme/male sub” situation.) This can be a bit tricky as some of these “Predator Pro Dommes” are quite clever.

The surest way is to hire a Pro Domme from a reputable dungeon. For example, Los Angeles’s Sanctuary would be one such place. There, the Pro Dommes charge a reasonable hourly rate, all are skilled and familiar with the lifestyle. And in most major cities there are reputable dungeons that offer similar services.

Another way is to ask for references. Talk to the Domme’s other subs and BDSM friends to get a feel as to whether this Pro Domme is a lifestyler making money or a bust out hustler trying to empty your bank account. If she refuses to offer references, that is a BIG red flag. Best to avoid her.

I would try to avoid meeting Pro Dommes on Craigslist or twitter; and although fetlife.com offers no protection, the odds of meeting a legit Domme there are greater. Plus, you can easily cross-reference there.

I also advise asking for a per-hour fee schedule. See if it is comparable to fees at a Pro Dungeon. If it is way out of line, or she says, “How dare you ask me, slave?” or some such way of avoiding the answer, another red flag. The key word here is, “Next.”

You might also use a skills/lifestyle interview. Is she adept with a single tail, cane or a flogger? Play-wise, what are her specialties? If she is vague here, pass. Is she a member of a local dungeon and which one? (This is easy to check up on.) If she says she only plays privately in her own home, this is a big red flag. You might also ask her how she became a Domme? How long has she been in the lifestyle? A good interview is worth a thousand bounced checks!

On the other hand, if the Domme interviews you, don’t come off like you have a helicopter and are Richy Rich, unless you are. You can ring even a legitimate Domme’s greed bell. Honesty does work both ways.

Ultimately, even if you are submissive, it is your money and time – and you have a right to insist it is spent on a reputable, knowledgeable Dominatrix who respects the lifestyle. Being a submissive does not equate to being a pushover for the unscrupulous.

Finally, if you are married, vanilla and need to experience some form of simple Femme Domme worship that these predators specialize in, why not get your wife to learn to dominate you in this manner? If it is easy for newbie “Dommes” to learn, surely your wife can learn it just as easily. You can also play Financial Domination games with little financial risk. After all, the money would just go back into your joint account!

If you are a single submissive looking for a Mistress, why go pro? Bide your time, go to socials and munches, join a dungeon and find a Mistress to share your life with. It might take a while, but you will likely avoid winding up alone and with no Mistress when your money runs out.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Subspace and Subdrop

December 21, 2015 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

Subspace is something you hear about all the time in the scene. If you haven’t experienced it, then it may be this elusive wonderment of mind altering amazingness. If you have experienced it, then you know it can take different forms. It may be a simple state of relaxation, almost meditative, to a feeling compared to an out of body experience. One thing is important to keep in mind. You don’t need to experience subspace to enjoy an amazing scene.

So what is subspace anyway? Subspace can happen due to two different things. One is pain, or physically based. It is basically what happens when various chemicals in your body are released during play. When your body experiences extreme sensations it releases endorphins and adrenaline. These increase pain tolerance and can induce a floaty, trance-like state of mind. One thing I like to compare this to is a runner’s high. It’s the most similar “vanilla” activity I can think of for comparison if you haven’t experienced subspace yet. Bottoms will commonly compare it to feeling drunk, tipsy, or floaty.

The other type of subspace is more psychologically based. The bottom may experience this “spacey” feeling upon kneeling at the start of the scene at their Top’s feet, or feeling their Top’s hand grip their hair. These mental and emotional associations are strong and can cause an instant feeling of relaxation and centeredness. This is typically a lovely feeling that connects the bottom more strongly with their play partner/Top and helps them relax into the scene. It can also help a bottom connect more to their submission.

Keep in mind that with either or both types of subspace – the bottom is in an altered state of mind. This is why I make it a rule to never re-negotiate limits during a scene. It would be equivalent to asking someone to have sex while they’re drunk who had previously said no. Also it’s important to understand that because their pain tolerance is heightened, the Top should maintain awareness of how hard they go with play.

Now. What goes up, must come down.

Subdrop

Once the body has pushed these chemicals into your system, they must eventually regulate. When play is done the body stops releasing extra endorphins, etc and the body’s more regulated system kicks in. The immediate indication of this is typically a decrease in body temperature and a more trance-like state of mind. This is why you will see bottoms in aftercare wrapped in a blanket and looking disconnected. Drop is one reason that aftercare is so important. However, drop can happen hours or days after the scene has ended.

submissive

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