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orgasm control

Why Men Love To Watch Women Masturbate

October 13, 2021 By Kate Miller 2 Comments

two sexy submissives in gas masks
via stock.adobe.com

Why Men Love to Watch Women Masturbate 

When in the mood for love, men are believed to focus on themselves. However, there are those – and they are not few in number – who care about things beyond getting into your pants immediately. There are all kinds of men. Some love to watch women touch themselves, others feel unessential and even unwanted when they do it. These men tend to be insecure. They feel an overwhelming burden of responsibility to be the only source of the woman’s pleasure and feel like failures if and when they aren’t.    

Of those that like watching, the reasons for their interest are more complex than you might think. 

1. An affirmation of you as a sexual being 

To some men, the fact that women are sexual beings with sexual desires not unlike theirs comes as a nice surprise. If your partner tells you he wants to watch you masturbate, it’s very sex positive. Letting him watch you explore your needs and bring yourself to orgasm can be incredibly arousing for both of you. It’s hard to argue against the positivity of it all. 

2. It’s Educational

Most women come by fingering themselves and many men don’t know that. Porn doesn’t help either. Men can learn new and exciting ways to touch you by watching you play with yourself. Your partner should be someone that cares about your pleasure. He should learn how to push you over the edge into orgasm or how to achieve it more quickly and he can do that by watching you.

3. It’s really arousing 

Men are highly visual and watching women masturbate can be a great form of foreplay for them. Having a real living and breathing woman naked in front of you, moaning and orgasming, is much better than porn. Men are very aroused when they watch you pleasuring yourself. 

4. It’s Still Taboo 

Believe it, in some parts of the world at least, women masturbating is still seen as taboo. We’re turned on by naughty things. When you have a man watch, you’re asking him to take part apart from doing something taboo.  

5. It’s as Intimate as it Gets

When you invite him to watch you, masturbation becomes a form of communication. You’re showing him that’s something you enjoy, you’re trusting him, and you’re willing to feel vulnerable just to share it with him. 

On Watching and Voyeurism 

There are some men who are absolutely crazy about watching women masturbate. They’re called voyeurs. Voyeurism is where you experience arousal by watching people engaging in sexual activities or naked people. Usually, the biggest pleasure comes from watching others, because we get most of our sensory information from the eyes. In addition, voyeurs are turned on by listening to other people’s sexual experiences or hearing people in the act. 

Voyeurism is an extremely common fetish and nothing to be ashamed of in most cases. Almost everyone in the world watches porn and one could argue that pleasure is voyeuristic in nature. 

Why is It a Fetish?

Different people are turned on by different things, so it really depends on what you like and want to do. Voyeurism is an unconventional way of experiencing sex. You’re seeing what gives someone pleasure, the position, when they moan the loudest, when and how they orgasm. 

When is Voyeurism not OK? 

It’s not ok if the person doesn’t know you’re watching them, obviously. It’s also not acceptable when the person has made it clear she doesn’t want to be watched. You shouldn’t insist if that’s the case. 

Myths and Misconceptions Surrounding Female Masturbation 

Quite a few myths surround this pleasurable pastime. We present some of the most common ones. We’ll start with misconceptions surrounding sex toys. 

Some men think we keep the toys we use to masturbate in something like a treasure chest. That we pick them with painstaking care. In most cases, they’re propped up against the window, and we tend to have a current favorite, so we don’t do much choosing. What they don’t suspect is that the girl’s toy of choice might be quite unusual, like a double ended dildo. Some heterosexual couples use them together. Want to know more? Check out the double ended ones from this website. 

Then, guys think girls do something to get “in the mood.” They listen to sexy music first or engage in another kind of preparation. In fact, men and women are very similar in this. It’s something you just do if you have a few extra minutes.  

Finally, guys think girls take all of their clothes off to masturbate. Again, we are more like guys than they imagine. 

How to Make It as Good as Possible 

Finally, a tip from us: if you’re going to masturbate in front of your partner, don’t be afraid to moan and show them just how much you’re loving it. Touch your nipples, stroke your breasts, and tell him not to touch you or himself until you’ve come. He could penetrate you as soon as you have.  

Tagged With: bdsm, female orgasm, female pleasure, fetish, kink, masturbation, mutual masturbation, orgasm, orgasm control, self masturbation

This week in kink news: July 12, 2021

July 8, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Don’t miss reading about a four day long, Covid-compliant sex festival in England!

Click below to read more from GRM daily!

Hundreds of people attend “covid compliant” four-day long sex festival in Lincolnshire

Be sure to check out Caroline’s story of becoming an orgasm coach from Echo!

Click below to find out more!


Tune in to see if Netflix’s Bonding has been renewed or canceled!

Click below to read more from TVShowsAce!

‘Bonding’ Season 3: Canceled Or Renewed By Netflix?

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, female orgasm, oral sex, orgasm control, sex, sexual fantasy

This week in kink: June 7, 2021

June 4, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Check out this controversial article on why BDSM and kink should not be included in Pride.

Do you agree or disagree?

Click below to find out more from Independent!


Into orgasm denial? Orgasm control?

Consensually “forcing” an orgasm?

Want to learn more about this type of play?

Then, click below to read more from Women’s Health!


Don’t miss this riveting article on Tantric Sex from Huff Post!

Click below to learn more!


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, female orgasm, fetish, kink, LGBTQ, orgasm, orgasm control, power exchange, Pride, sex, tantric sex

For The Lust Of Lotti

April 2, 2021 By eve 2 Comments

woman tied to chair splashed with water
via stock.adobe.com

She was quite a sight to behold. She slid her bottom around on the satin sheet like she was trying to get comfortable. The four-point restraints had given her very little wiggle room. Somewhere in the background, there was music playing. It was a mixtape. I’m not sure how much thought went into the music selection. Voluptuous breasts, untamed curls, a peach of a pussy, a fantasy to be consumed. How much more could a group of sexual deviants ask for. Even thinking the word deviants made me giggle. I had never been more respected, revered, or appreciated than by these people. Their passion for freedom and non-judgment made evenings like this a thrill and joy. 

If we had all gotten dressed and gone home right now, it would have been a successful evening. But as I watched the various members of our sweet little club pack up things or get undressed, act as though they didn’t see a restrained naked woman in the middle of the room. I had to contain my giggle of elation. They were respecting the fact that she said no toys rule. To her, everybody was quiet. The master and slave combos and a couple of Doms whispered and pointed, deciding the part they wanted. They were being strategic and wanted to make the most of what was on offer. Voices were non-descript, and nobody moved. Every person there understood the power of making somebody wait. This was the mind game of play. 

The fantasy of an orgy was just that, even for many of these players. Lottie was there to surrender to her wildest fantasy. All involved knew this wasn’t a session. It was play. It was about heightening her emotions and the pleasures of the flesh. Deprivation of touch and anticipation would mean her body would feel every touch and taste all the better. As the group planned, our host placed a candle warming bowl with oil on the table. Without a sound, he motioned to the bowl and took a step back.  Two of the Doms were stripped down to underwear. Kenny still had on his socks.

They each generously lathered their hands with oil and went to either side of the bed. They made eye contact and approached the bed like two synchronized swimmers walking to the pool and stopping at the edge. With broad, silly smiles, each placed a hand on her thighs and oiled the length of her leg down to the ankle, adjusting their hands so as they slid up, they open her legs and exposed her sex. One after the other, a single slap and oiling of their side of her pussy.  Their hands journeyed across her luscious curves, encompassed her breasts and tweaked her nipples. I never would have thought these two could bring such humour and lightness to the room. They were delighted with the smiles and giggle from everyone. They broke the tension, and others found their courage.

The host tapped his finger on her wrist indicating time, and flashed 10 fingers. Or make her wait 10 minutes. With that, Beanpole was on his knees, and a cock was in his mouth. Tears rolled down his face as he gagged while being face fucked. His humiliation continued as his arms were cuffed behind him. He was not afforded the dignity of a blindfold; his tormentor was the first slave auctioned this evening, and his master directed the humiliation with verbal jabs and taunts. Beanpole was fully erect, and his cock danced wildly. One of the taunters had found a strap rhythmically torturing beanpoles cock. Cries of pain were cut off with the gagging. Without warning, he was manhandled into standing up.

When his eyes were wiped, he was to take the one who had just taken him, a volley of spit hit his cock, lubing him up to enter the ass of his playmate.  Several sets of hands massaged the faceless slave’s ass as we waited. Across the room, Tink was enjoying being treated to a thorough pussy eating by the female Dom. Tink’s legs wrapped around and convulsing with pleasure. I envisioned Tink’s head tipped back as I queened her. The body heat was increasing, and faces seemed to blur and fade as the frenzy of pleasure was raised with the foreplay. I found my bottle of water and finished it. I enjoyed my job as safety tonight, but my tits ached to be caressed and squeezed, my pussy pulsated, and my panties were soaked.

Tink was wearing a high cut, lace bodysuit, and a pair of 4-inch heels. The sides reached all the way to the top of her hip so that her legs looked quite long. She was at the bed head on the right-side, twirling a long ostrich feather between her thumb and index finger. My guess is it barely made a breath of wind, yet somehow Lottie knew someone was nearby. Instead, she started to speak; instead, she wet her lips and literally held her tongue between her teeth for just a moment.

Her breath was a bit ragged but still controlled. As Tink barely brushed Lottie’s arm, Beanpole had covered his hands in oil and began to massage one of her feet.  She was tense, you could tell, because she was pressing her hips into the bed. Hands wandered over her body. She struggled as one of the men put his hand on her stomach. He read her mind, leaned forwards and whispered what she needed in her ear.  His nails drew a figure- 8 across her pelvis, hesitating at her treasure trail but never dipped a finger neat her pussy. He continued to whisper and stroke her body. The tension lessened and she released her hips. He didn’t kiss her. I don’t even know if he was still talking to her. She was in her body, not in her head. She leaned into some touches and flinched from others. He drew his hands back and kissed her navel before letting the others finish what she started. 

Someone else joined in. Three sets of hands massaged and saturated her with attention. A male head of blond hair covered her face. His kissing seems to light something in Lottie. Lotti’s body rose and fell at a steady rhythm. She was so ripe and ready. He moved down her neck and was distracted by the woman suckling Lotti’s breast. He massaged and twisted it while kissing the other woman. She put her hand in his shorts and worked his cock.  He rubbed and flicked Lotti’s tit in time to the hand job he was getting.

In my mind, I knew what she was feeling. She held her breath, and warmth rushed over her. She exhaled slowly to try and control the fireworks being set off in her nervous system. She figured she needs to control her responses. She didn’t know what letting would feel like. She was afraid.  The one thing she needed was to let go. I knew how alive her body was. It felt electric. The room smelled of sex. this was to be her clit was swollen, and a butterfly kiss would make her cum. Her vagina pined to be filed. I placed a hand on her cheek so she would know I was there. 

I asked so others could hear me, “red?”

“No,” came clear and fast.

“Yellow?”She hesitated. I looked at the others and raised my eyebrows. It was only a few seconds, just long enough for the others to withdraw themselves.

“I’m good,” was all she said. The group descended and continued. A naked man lid between her legs and kissed her sex. His tongue slipped between her lips and started to eat. Lapping up her wetness, his arms were under her thighs and held her to his face moving with the undulations of her hips. 

My head was close to hers. I traced the edge of her ear and down her neck. I whispered encouragement and compliments. I told her to let her mind go to be in her body. Accept the worship, feel the adoration in every nip, scratch and touch.  She nodded, and I stepped back.  I walked over to Beanpole with my back to the room. 

“You were a really good boy tonight. Go to the bathroom and clean yourself up, be quick!”

I collected napkins and emptied bottles from around the room while the gang banged on. It was a little after three. The players moved around her. They pleasured each other and metered attention onto Lotti. Our host tapped playmates, and they slowly moved away. The dark circle of wet was proof of Lotti’s pleasure.  There had been no penetration, no final bang? What the hell? Really! They were going to leave her hanging? I was pissed for her. Our host put a finger to his lips as the players began to mumble. 

“Lovely Lotti, we thank you for being a dessert buffet of delights. You have a room of people who want this to be your fantasy fulfilled. Are you still green, or are we done?” he smiled slyly as he spoke the last sentence. 

“Get the condoms on and make ‘em all green,” She laughed and pushed her breast up. Out host laughed and said, “let the ravishing begin.”  Everyone was in for a piece of the pleasure. Hands were caressing and squeezing.  Kisses, nips and sucking filled the space.  Those waiting their turn masturbated to the show in front of them. Asses were smacked or fingered; vaginas were pleasured. Lotti let go. She found her perfect cock. The frenzy did its job, with the third cock, not the longest, but definitely the thickest. He moved slowly and held deep for a moment. As he increased his pace, she struggled against the restraints to raise her hips to him. Without stopping, he motioned to her quick releases and left the cuffs attached. She drew up her knees and pressed into her hips.

He growled, “Yes” He increased his speed, and the playgroup began a retreat. Then he drew her down, so he had one leg on the floor and a knee on the bed. And I swear to god, I have never seen this before; he was dancing with her cunt. He would go deep, do a pelvic thrust and pull back with his hips in the forward position. As he pulled back, he pressed her right hip down and rotated her hips. He fucking salsaed her cunt. Instantly, I could feel him in me, my whole body throbbing to take all of him in. Lotti’s breath was fast and a little rough. Moans from deep inside filled the room as the two gyrated couplings were all over the basement. The main ring was inspiring. 

Lotti pulled up around the perfect cock as he brought her to climax.  Bucking against him until she froze in time. Her nails dug in, and she flicked her hips a half dozen times very slowly, and a mouse’s squeal was buried in his chest. He held her inside for a moment, kissed her hard and walked away. He tossed the condom in the trash. He saluted the room as he collected his pants and shorts. He left the basement, singing goodbye. I clapped a hand over my mouth to contain the giggle. My body was tired. My arms and legs ached, everything was funnier, I was done. As I curled up on the couch, I watched the others talk and reassure each other. Lotti’s mask was removed, she was offered a blank and a plate of fruit. What a night.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm scene, female orgasm, female pleasure, fetish, kink, orgasm, orgasm control, sexual fantasy, sexual freedom

Edging, Orgasm Training, and Orgasm Denial In A D/s Relationship

March 13, 2021 By Kinky Assignments 2 Comments

Want to learn more about orgasm denial?

Want to orgasm on command?

Want to consensually control your submissive’s pleasure?

Then, check out this informative video from Sam with Kinky Assignments!

Edging, Orgasm Training & Orgasm Denial in a D/s relationship

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, chastity belt, dominant, female orgasm, female pleasure, orgasm control, power dynamic, submissive, submissive headspace, submissive training

Orgasm Control

February 20, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

dark haired submissive chained to bed
via stock.adobe.com

This is a question that is self-explanatory.  So here it is:

Reader: Orgasm control and denial are topics of interest for me. I’ve heard lots of good things, but also that it can cause negative side effects. What do you think? Any tips?

First things first.  Can denial produce negative effects?  Many old wives’ tales suggest this to be true.  Some claimed that too much sex is bad; others said that denial is the road to ruination.  In the Reefer Madness era, believe it or not, there were even ones that said you would go blind if you masturbated excessively.  Yet the worst that happened to me is that I wear contact lenses.  Negative effects from orgasm control are a similar urban sex legend.  Sexual denial usually produces no negative effects — other than causing fewer orgasms in your life. Albeit bigger ones!

The purpose of orgasm manipulation is basically to make for better, bigger more intense orgasms.  (Sounds like a late night TV advertisement for the Orgasmotron – but wait, there’s more!)  Most of us practice a form of orgasm control even in the vanilla sex world. — most men delay orgasm for as long as possible to increase mutual pleasure.  But in BDSM, we have raised this to an art form.  Let’s look at the two major classes of devices used in orgasm control – the “chastity belt” and the “cock cage”.

Since many things old become new, the chastity belt for females is making a comeback.  As we become a more  egalitarian society, it was only natural to expect chastity devices to be equally available to all sexes. Or to put it into Mad Men advertising language, “Chastity devices ain’t just for men anymore.”  The effect of a chastity belt worn by a submissive – both from a role play point of view and a control perspective – can be awesome.  Recently, lightweight plastic/composite belts have replaced the old bulky leather/metal ones; these high-tech belts are not the heavy locked affairs of Elizabethan times.  These modern versions are a unique (although expensive) way for a Dominant to establish the ultimate in orgasmic and sexual control. 

The cock cage too has felt the advancement of technology in its development.  From the early plastic versions (the CB 2000) to the modern stainless alloy types, just like face-masks, they are available in a myriad of designs.   (Once this pandemic is over, you can use your spare face-masks for BDSM play!)  But whether  used for pleasure or punishment – or anything in between – ultimately the aim of such devices is to make your play more exciting.  

There is no doubt that sexual denial can increase horniness.  (Just go to a singles bar on a Friday right after work.)  But if you practice sexual denial on purpose, you can increase the anticipation and raise the sexual excitement to a fevered pitch.  “Don’t masturbate (or have sex) until I see you next week” is a popular Dominant’s technique that can turn the submissive into a horny, sex-crazed obsessive by the time they see each other.  

Another technique of orgasm control is that of bringing a submissive to the brink of climax over and over again.  Whether ending in a “ruined orgasm” or a “super orgasm,” this “tease and denial” technique can be done over a period of hours (or days…WOW!) and can be excruciatingly exciting.  Coupling BDSM play with “tease and denial” in a s scene a great way to produce explosive orgasms.

There is one area I have left to last – the legendary training of a submissive to “cum on command.”  This has an almost mythic quality to it; it appears to be the ultimate Dominant achievement.  I have heard tales of a Master being able to order his slave to cum via telephone and the slave doing so without even touching herself.  I personally have never witnessed this; nor have I ever achieved this feat.

What I have done is to train a submissive to become extremely sexually excited via a voice command.  The training technique I use is to deny orgasm over a period of time, thus building a heightened state of arousal.  Then you link your voice command to this excited state – by stating your command at the time of highest sexual arousal.  This conditioned response training is one way to get closest to making the submissive “cum on command.”  And maybe, using this technique over a period of time, it can actually be accomplished.

As with all my suggestions, they are just that – suggestions.  So let me know your experiences.  Good luck!


After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, dominant, femdom, fetish, kink, orgasm, orgasm control, power dynamic, power exchange, self masturbation, sexual freedom, submissive

How To Use A Squirting Dildo For Kinky Sex

January 24, 2021 By Kate Miller 2 Comments

chastity device toy
via stock.adobe.com

There is a common misconception that squirting dildos are only for female-female couples that want to add a penis into the mix without the hassle of introducing a third party. However, this couldn’t be more wrong. Sure, female-female couples can enjoy a squirting dildo during their fun sexual encounters, but so can everyone else. The erotic view of ejaculation and the internal stimulation of your partner “finishing” inside you is a delight that can be enjoyed by any kinky player.

There are certain times where a regular dildo just isn’t going to scratch your itch. Squirting dildos, also known as ejaculating or cumming dildos are usually designed with all the realism of a real cock, with the added delicious finish that regular dildos lack. Whether you decide to fill it with a semen-like liquid substitute that tastes like cum or a fruity flavored lube of your choice, you’ll be amazed at how much fun you can have when you have full control of when the member comes to an explosive finish. 

If you’re feeling kinky, here are the best ways to use a squirting dildo for a sexy and stimulating time!

When you want your partner to finish inside you.

Let’s face it: the thought of your partner finishing inside you is super-hot – there’s something about the visual affirmation that you are the reason for your partner’s orgasm that can make you feel so desirable. Cum fetishes are a thing! What’s less hot? Pregnancy, UTIs and 3am leakage. Sometimes, your situation doesn’t allow for your partner to cum inside you.

That’s why squirting dildos are ideal for those wanting to indulge that internal ejaculation kink, and there are plenty of ways to do it. You can start your encounter with normal penetrative sex and finish off with the squirting dildo, or you can use the squirting dildo as the main course. The fun part of using a dildo for ejaculation is that you also decide what size you want your dildo to be. So, if you really want to get kinky, you can pick out a dildo an inch or two larger than your cock to use on your partner, if they so desire. That way, you can take their pleasure to another level after they’re already wet and stretched out from you or the toys you were using earlier, before finishing with a bang.

To add a kinky element to your usual routine.

If you’ve been with your partner for a while, chances are you’ve got a solid routine going. But what if you want to change it up with some bondage cuffs? Are you ready to try other sex toys? 

Maybe you’ve used dildos before, and they work great for you and your partner. Squirting dildos aren’t so far off from regular dildos – the only difference is the fact that you fill it up with your lubricant of choice, and hit a button when you want it to erupt. Whether you and/or your partner have a cock or not, there are tons of ways you can indulge in kinky play with these dildos.

Firstly, you can have your partner kneel in front of you while you shower their face with cum and delight in the erotic view of watching jizz drip down their face. If it’s a female-male couple, she can wear it on a harness and treat you to some pegging. You can also simply indulge in a creampie fantasy. If you want to change things up, a squirting dildo is a great place to start.

If you suffer from ED or premature ejaculation.

If you suffer from ED or premature ejaculation, squirting dildos may just be the perfect accessories to have on-hand to reduce pressure and allow you to still have a fun, sexy time with your partner. When you know that you have a back-up plan in case things don’t go as planned, you can relax and enjoy time spent with your lover instead of worrying about your performance.

You can use the squirting dildo in any way you like – strap it onto a harness, use it in-hand or suction cup it onto the floor and watch your partner turn you and themselves on as they ride it all the way to climax. Give the partner being penetrated control of the sperm reservoir (the bulb or syringe) so they can release the sperm right as they orgasm!

To role play having a threesome.

Threesomes aren’t for everyone, but there are some twosomes that may wonder what it would be like to have one. Better yet, what it would feel like. But not everyone is ready to introduce a third person into the bedroom, for a variety of reasons: jealousy, sexual health, or even just not being fully into it.

However, with a squirting dildo, you can enjoy all the perks of having a third party, without any issues that could come with it. Whether you stick it in your partner’s anus while you slip your cock into her vagina, or if you want to watch him suck on a dildo with a facial finish while you please him from behind, it can be incredibly sexy and stimulating to have one, two or even three cocks in the mix!

For females, there are some squirting dildos with suction cup bases so she can stick it onto the wall or window to simulate doggy while she pleasures you, or you can penetrate her vagina with the dildo while you finger her asshole for the ultimate dual climax, finishing her off with a lovely dose of warm cum all over her stomach. 

Whether you already own a squirting dildo or are planning to add one to your toy box sometime soon, I hope this article gives you some ideas on how to use it for some fun and kinky sex. 

What’s your favorite way to use a squirting dildo?

-Sponsored Post


Sex toy writer and reviewer for HotCherry. Kate covers everything from dildos to bdsm toys and everything in between.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm scene, dildos, ejaculation, female orgasm, orgasm, orgasm control, sex, sex toys, squirting

Learning to Orgasm On Command

November 28, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

handcuffs, sex on the bed
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Today, I’m going to go over a technique that I’ve been teaching for many years. Those who have read my books will likely recognize it. The technique is designed to help a submissive learn how to come on  command. This is not some mystical, mind-washing, magic trick; it’s a methodology that helps a sub get  in better touch with their body’s orgasm cycle, so that they can control it well enough to orgasm at a  particular moment.  

The Methodology 

The methodology requires a partner, who ends up being in control of the eventual orgasm. Logically,  the dominant will play this role – but I suppose it doesn’t have to be the dominant. For argument’s sake,  and since most people reading this essay are in (or want to be in) power-based relationships, I’m going  to assume it’s the dominant helping the sub learn to orgasm on command. 

The goal is to achieve orgasm on a countdown. The dominant will count from a chosen number and the  sub will reach orgasm EXACTLY as the dominant reaches zero. Over time and familiarity, the starting  number is decreased, until the sub’s required preparation time is minimized. The final goal will depend  on the physical capabilities of the submissive, but most everyone I’ve tried this with was able to achieve  some level of countdown “perfection.”

The process starts with the submissive stimulating themselves. We do this because it gives the  submissive control of the pace and pressure of stimulation. It will be easiest, in the beginning for the  sub to be thoroughly excited and even teased to some degree before you start. You want the sub to be  able to orgasm relatively easily. In the beginning, the dominant can even ask the sub if they’re ready to  start the process.  

We start with a very aroused submissive who is stimulating themselves, relatively close to orgasm: 

The dominant picks a number; something like 20; and begins to steadily count down to zero. The count  should be evenly paced, and reasonably slow. The goal for the submissive is to start to come when the  dominant says “zero” – not before zero; not 15 seconds after zero; but starting to orgasm AT zero. 

As the dominant is counting, the sub regulates themselves towards their orgasm. If the sub feels  themself approaching orgasm too soon, they need to stop stimulation, so that they don’t come – while  the dominant continues to count at the same, steady, pace. The sub then tries to pick up again to  attempt to still come at zero.  

If the sub does not begin to orgasm as the dominant reaches zero, the sub has to stop stimulation,  immediately. The sub’s objective isn’t to come before zero or after zero, the orgasm has to be starting AT zero – if not, stop. 

If the sub doesn’t come at zero, the dominant lets the sub calm down a little and then decides if they’re going to get another chance right away, or not. This is completely at the dominant’s discretion (another  reason why this works nicely for a power dynamic). If the dominant decides not to try again right away, 

the sub will get another chance at another time – but, for this technique to work best, the sub must not  be allowed to orgasm in between attempts. The key here is that the sub either makes it, or waits until  they eventually do.  

The next time the technique is tried, the dominant can start at the same number – or, if they feel that  the starting number was too low, a higher number. The goal is not to frustrate the sub (that will come  later ), the objective is to help the sub make this work. We want the sub to learn their orgasm cycle. 

Eventually, the sub will learn the feel of their orgasm and figure out how to get to a point and hold off  going too far. They will determine how long it takes to get from that holding point to orgasm – which will  become the point in the countdown where they’ll really start to approach orgasm. Every sub will be  different. For my husband, that magic number is 4. He knows that he can hit a holding point and then,  when I get down to 4 in my count, he switches his mindset and can achieve perfect timing. 

Once, does not perfection make. Once the sub gets this right, do it again and again. They will get pretty  good at it, eventually. Once they start to be consistently able to hit zero from a particular number, the  dominant can start at a lower number, 15, 10, or any number down to the sub’s hold point. You may not  make it a couple of times before the process works at a lower number – but the hold point will be the  same and so the sub will find themselves able to achieve shorter countdowns very quickly. 

Once consistently on time while the sub is stimulating themselves, switch to the dominant doing the  stimulation. This opens a whole different situation for the submissive, because they have less control of  the intensity of the stimulation. They also need to communicate to tell the dominant to stop stimulation in the event that they are approaching orgasm too soon – or request for more stimulation if they’re not  quite in position (which opens the door for some interesting “tease and beg” scenarios).  

I have found that, if the sub is well-controlled at self-stimulation, they will adapt to being stimulated  very quickly; much sooner than you may think.  

Once the sub has mastered control while being stimulated, you can extend the technique to all types of  stimulation – including intercourse. 

The Benefits 

There are a number of benefits to having a submissive who can control the timing of their orgasm. First  of all, having so much awareness of their orgasm cycle allows them to last longer as well as not take too  long. These will make them better lovers. It will allow them to spend more focus on their dominant’s pleasure and time their release(s) (assuming they’re allowed to have them) with their dominant. 

There is also the added benefit of knowing exactly where your sub is along the path to their orgasm – making Tease and Denial games even more effective. If you know your sub is going to orgasm exactly at  zero, then, where will they be at 3; or 2; or 1? You can time denial for a perfect frustration – or for  ruined orgasms by stopping at the right number. 

The “Please Stop” game fits perfectly in on top of this. If you’ll recall (from my previous essays or from  my books), the sub is required to ask to stop stimulation 5 seconds before they orgasm. If they’ve  mastered this technique, they will already know EXACTLY when they’re 5 seconds away from orgasm. If  you, as the dominant, decide not to stop, and you start the 5 second countdown, you know the sub will be able to regulate for orgasm at zero. It won’t matter what type of sexual position you’re in or what  activity you are doing. 

Wrapping Up 

This technique is both doable and effective. It takes some time for the sub to master, but it is absolutely  within the reach of most. It’s effective for all genders and makes for a great control game. I hope you  try it and tell me how it goes! 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, fetish, kink, orgasm control, power exchange, protocols, rituals, sex, sexual fantasy

Orgasm Control, Teasing and Denial.

March 5, 2018 By Baron Von Aaron 6 Comments

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Over the last decade or so, the concept of orgasm control has become ubiquitous in Kink. It has been a staple of the Femdom/malesub world and has become more and more prevalent in other relationship dynamics too.  Maybe it is something that you have played with at some point, even only in fantasy. It is a perfect case of masochism, of blissful anguish and exquisite torment.

For the uninitiated out there, Orgasm Control or Denial is a broad term for the form of power exchange dynamic wherein a person has an aspect of their sexual pleasure and satisfaction controlled by another, usually a Dominant. It’s a beautiful blend of sadistic delight and extreme arousal that is also a very intimate and often experience altering exchange. Doing it well can be a challenge, a fact many find out the hard way, and that often leads to either frustrated expectations or discouragement from further exploration.

Never fear, though, as this is one of my most favorite forms of play since I started my kinky journey about 15 years ago. When I started, I was a virgin but I didn’t want to be THAT virgin, so I focused on the one thing I knew women were most concerned with during sex: their orgasms. I listened and learned all that I could about arousal and climax, and over the years I’ve developed a particular talent for being joyously hated for the frustration that can occur in the right circumstances, and I have a few tips that will help you be a denial deity.

Remember, this is about fun!

At the end of the day, even the most terrible denial experience should be a positive one. With so many emotions and thoughts to deal with, from frustration to desire, it can be easy for things to go negative for one or both parties, so always remember that everyone is having fun or NO ONE is having fun.

Every experience is different

The number of times I have heard someone claim “I can make anyone cum, I’ve made everyone else I’ve been with cum” makes me laugh a little bit. The same can be said about any form of the opposite. Not everyone is going to find a way to enjoy denial. Some people thrive on it. Most people are in some kind of spectrum in between. Just because what you did worked with your last partner, doesn’t mean it’s gonna be the same for this one.

Orgasm control and Denial can be disruptive

For those in control, orgasm control or denial is a fun distraction during out day and a really great thought to get off to (tell them when you do, they love/hate it). For those who experience it, though, it can be a big disruption. For many, autoerotic gratification is a healthy self-care mechanism or a coping technique. At the very least, it’s somewhere on part with a glass of wine or a nice joint for unwinding from the day. When you remove this, it can have a deep impact on coping, and there will be a need to replace that outlet with others. Be sure you are listening to that.

Know how to communicate

Communication is always key, especially in power exchange, but it’s especially key here. In some sense, sexual desire is emotional, intimate, and intense. It can be personally so, as in those times you just needed a good fucking, or it can be relational, like that one magical night with a special someone that you can always remember.  Either way, lots of feelings are flying around and knowing how to handle them is important. Know when to be playful, when to be honest, when to be concerned, and when to just listen. Sometimes your partner will be frustrated and upset about the fact that they can’t get off now, but all they really want is to yell at you for making them do this thing so they can go back to enjoying it. Or maybe your partner really is struggling and needs your sympathy. You won’t know until you engage.

Preserve the magic but engage reality

The best advice I ever got is that someone who is sexually frustrated from denial will be able to make it VERY clear when they are done, you just have to listen. For many, orgasm control or denial play can be part of an ongoing little fantasy that you want preserved. You may beg and plead to be given some relief but deep down, you really want to be told no, or to be reminded of the power someone has. You may also be actually upset and, especially in this day of written communication, your partner may have a hard time knowing what you want.

Here is a little tip, something I use in my play. When we start, I make it very clear that this is something that is always optional, and that we do only as far as we mutually consent to. This is important to create a foundation to build the fantasy on. As we go along, I reinforce that this is something we both agree upon and that we are both choosing to do. I do this because it’s easy to get lost in the fantasy that you don’t control your orgasms, and being reminded that you are IN a fantasy helps. When we reach a possible breaking point, I take a small step back. I don’t totally break, just slow down, so we don’t have a shock moment. Then we talk.

One great little tip: During these conversations, assuming my partner does not seem in need of care, I employ what I call, tongue firmly in cheek, “Playful Passive Aggressive” tones. I say “Well, you can always stop this if you truly prefer it, but I’d really prefer it if we didn’t”, or something of the sort. This way I place the choice of preserving the fantasy or saying that they are done firmly in the court of my partner. I am not asking “Do you need to stop” directly, in case they want the fantasy in tact, but I also don’t push the fantasy on them if it’s not something they are enjoying.

Even in denial, a partner won’t always be horny

There is a misconception that if you fill someone up with desire, that they will just get so full they will always be turned on. That’s not really how it works, though. The human body is meant to find homeostasis, to adapt to conditions, so as hormonal levels change, your partner may actually get less horny overall, or they may be turned off entirely. Most people spend long periods not turned on at all, only to find it rushing back with a suggestive pic or a sexy text. That leads to the next point:

Keep things going

If you remove the ability of someone to find satisfaction you will likely need to find other ways to keep that sense of sexual intimacy and excitement alive. Pure, unadulterated frustration gets old after a while and it can lead to resentment or distraction. We don’t want that. We also don’t want a constant buzzing that leaves us feeling overstimulated and ready to burst. So knowing how to balance sexual engagement (believe me, no matter how much it sucks to be denied, most people still love to be touched and feel pleasure from their partner) is key to maintaining the mutual enjoyment of denial or control.

Control doesn’t mean No always.

Denial may be all about refusal, but control in and of itself is the power to choose, not just to choose no. You can say yes, and in many cases a yes is probably better than a no. Orgasm control can be a wonderful way to really enjoy the connection and shared pleasure, as well as to ease that little driving urge we all have to please our partner, especially if you say yes. So say yes, and go even further. Tell them how. Make it a reward for a task. Remind them that you are in control enough to not only say no, but to say yes. Trust me, you’ll thank me for this one.

All in all, orgasm and pleasure play can be a wonderful time for both parties. Sexual desire and gratification is far more than a polarized binary. It’s more of a landscape with many areas to go into, but first you need to know how to travel. So before you dive in with a partner, know your way around their pleasure and yours, and really make sure you understand the Yes before you dive into the No.

By: Baron Von Aaron

Aaron is a kinkster, writer, Viking, and Curling fan with over a decade worth of experience. He enjoys sharing the knowledge and insights he has gained over his own journey. Follow him on Twitter @BaronKink

Tagged With: denial, orgasm control, teasing

Orgasm Control: A New Perspective

June 27, 2016 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

Although there are many non-sexual practitioners of BDSM play, there are also those who use our lifestyle as a kind of “orgasm magnifier.” From the new legion of Femme Dommes whose specialties include refined “tease and denial” techniques to those Dominants who train their submissives to “cum on command,” the aim is still the same – to make cumming ultra-pleasurable through orgasm control.

Of course, “orgasm control” play is very wide ranging. It spans from semi-vanilla to extreme “chastity” play. No matter where your play lies in this continuum, if one controls or denies orgasm for any period of time, the resulting orgasm is, for most, more intense In the next few “New Perspective” installments, we will study an array of orgasm control systems.

This week, let’s examine the legendary “cumming on command” – which is incredibly exciting if you can achieve it. The theory of “cumming on command” is based on conventional behavior conditioning theory. Basically, the object is to link a key word, phrase or physical signal with the onset of orgasm.

Some submissives seem to have the innate potential to orgasm through a Dominant’s command. But this part of the brain is hard to access. If it were, the number of Dom/mes on cell phones calling their submissives and ordering them to cum would be staggering! The most common method to tap into this center is by the slow and careful building of trust, confidence and respect. Once trust is established, then the training can begin.

The following is one way (obviously there are many others) to train your submissive to cum on command. (I offer, however, no guarantee that these methods will work – but I do guarantee that you will have fun trying!)

A. Start by training the sub to ask permission to cum when he/she is about to orgasm during sex. “Master/Mistress, may I cum?” should always be asked. At this stage, orgasm should never be denied; the object here is to link a specific verbal phrase with orgasm. Your “permission” or “ordering” must always be the same phrase. “Master/Mistress commands you to cum” or some variant is the most effective. But whatever it is, it must be exactly the same, every time you “order” your sub to cum.

B. The next part of the training is to deny release — “No, you may not ” — while continuing the sexual stimulation of your submissive. You should then order release within fifteen to thirty seconds of this initial denial. Then gradually increase this interval. Eventually you should get up to a couple of minutes between denial and permission before proceeding to the next step.

C. This time when you deny permission to cum, take your hand or vibrator away. Wait a few seconds, then resume stimulation simultaneous with commanding him/her to cum. It is important that you train him/her to cum immediately on command/resumption of stimulation. Gradually increase the time between removing your hand and ordering him/her to cum. When this interval reaches five minutes or more you are ready to move on.

D. This is the big step. The GIANT step. The big enchilada! When she is about to cum and asks permission, deny it and take your hand or vibrator away – just like in the previous step. Wait a number of seconds — then order her to cum but do not touch him/her. If he/she cums on this command, without any stimulation, you have hit the jackpot! Repeat this over time while gradually increasing the interval. Eventually the interval can be made as long as you want it — thus he/she can literally cum on command.

E. You can now attempt the legendary high Yaqui Dom/me feat – commanding him/her to cum before being physically stimulated! (Hint — I think it best you put the sub into a sexy mood.) Many Dom/mes have keywords or phrases they use before a sex session. Use of a keyword or phrase can get him/her out of “vanilla space” and make the sub more receptive to your commands to cum. But even with the sub thinking sexy thoughts, this is still one astounding feat. Like levitation.

Remember, cumming on command without any physicality whatsoever is something of an urban BDSM legend. What has been presented here is a good system for, at the very least, teaching a sub to cum on command after being sexually aroused. If you have another system that work for you, please email us here at kinkweekly.com. There’s always room for another great orgasm!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: dynamic, orgasm control, submission

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