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What Is Aftercare?
As more and more new people join the Kink Community on the edges and middle of the pandemic, the more I realize how little knowledge some are stepping into this world with. I recently wrote about pain processing in kink. Today, I want to briefly discuss the aftermath of a scene.
When we say the word scene, generally we are talking about an agreed-upon period of time between two or more people, wherein they perform some negotiated kink experience. It may be impact, it may be needles, or humiliation, or any one of a number of kinks that people share.
As I discussed in my post on pain, the body of the receiver in this event is likely experiencing some chemical side effects, brought to them courtesy of their brain. Adrenaline and endorphins are a potent cocktail. When the activities we engage in trigger those chemical responses, it can be a heady experience. Often, the person who has experienced them will be slightly euphoric or “spacey” afterwards. Some people refer to “subspace,” but I prefer more scientific explanations of what is happening.
Because that can be a sensation that feels different for different people, some find it disorienting. Others feel “loopy” or giggly. Some will need to come out of that headspace gradually, while others prefer a more abrupt return to reality. The period of time after the scene has ended is often called aftercare.
Aftercare looks different based on who you ask. Some people want a blanket and cuddles, some want a stuffie and chocolate. I want a high five and to be told I was a good girl. Some take an hour to gradually ease out of that headspace, others want to giggle away in a group of friends. In some cases, people may prefer that aftercare be administered by someone they didn’t scene with, such as a friend or relationship partner. It is important to include negotiations for the kind of aftercare you need when you are discussing a scene with a potential partner.
If you don’t know what you need for aftercare because you are newer to this, it may be a part of your journey which requires experimentation. Ask yourself following a scene what would bring you comfort. Prepare for many scenarios, such as bringing a favorite comfortable item of clothing to change into, an emotional attachment object, a protein bar, or a sugary snack you enjoy in order to give yourself options when the time comes.
If you are a more experienced kinkster and know that you’ll be having a scene with less experienced players, perhaps consider packing an emergency aftercare bag with some basics in it, in case it is something they aren’t familiar with, or don’t know yet what they need. It isn’t a terrible idea to have things on hand that help others. That’s part of why I always carry a mini first aid kit with me to the dungeon, despite it having three available. My band-aids are cuter.
Please remember, even though there are tops who will hand you off to someone else for aftercare because it isn’t their thing, the important part is finding healthy ways to transition yourself back to life as the chemicals leave the body – and keep these things in mind for the possible drop following after the chemicals break down even further. What you need is what you need during this process.
Knowledge is power, and by understanding what we need on our kink journeys, we give ourselves an amazing gift.
How “Total” Power Exchange Is Manifested
There’s been a lot of yammering about the “total” part of total power exchange, and a lot of “whatabout” ism as people try to prove that total isn’t total at all.
People seem to think that the “total” in TPE means the dom is making every single decision every single minute of the day, and those decisions are all about the extremes of life and death matters. They seem to think decisions made must be to the detriment of the sub/slave half of the dynamic.
What they fail to see is that it also means the sub/slave is doing what the dom wants without having to constantly ask for a decision or be threatened with punishment. TPE requires obedience on the part of the sub/slave. If the sub/slave won’t obey, there is no power exchange. Disobedience/noncompliance is keeping control. Obedience/compliance gives control.
The dom/master/owner gives the rules and the sub/slave/property obeys them. That’s the power. It’s not about the teeniest little thing being dictated. It’s about doing things how the dom wants them to be without pitching a bitch about it every single time. It’s knowing “this” is what they want…and fulfilling their wishes.
You know he doesn’t like rye bread. So you don’t make his lunch with rye bread. Do you have to be told a thousand times that he doesn’t like rye bread? No. He told you once and you remember. You can buy it for yourself if you want, unless he decrees he doesn’t want it in the house. If he doesn’t want it in the house, don’t fucking buy it.
THAT is the T in TPE.
EW decided once that I was not to address anyone by any title. His decision was final. I abided by that decision regardless who didn’t like it. When there came a time that someone had earned my respect (Lon_RM, who I have come to regard as the father I wish I’d had) that I wanted to use the title in his name (MasterLon, at that point), I went to EW and explained. He agreed and the exception was made. The rule was NOT changed for anyone else.
It was EW’s decision to make the exception. There was another time when I had asked for an exception and he’d said no. I abided by that decision, whether I liked it or not. That is total power.
I asked EW to flog me long enough that I naturally fell asleep. He refused. I had to abide by that decision, because he would never relent and I was not to ask again. I had nothing to say about his decision. I was not given the luxury of an opinion on the matter. That is total power.
There was a night he’d forgotten his keys. He was already in Manhattan and did not have the time to travel half an hour back home and half an hour into work again. I had a full plate of food in front of me. A delicious corned beef supper. I had to put that supper in the fridge, get my shoes on, and take him his keys. There was no option for me to say “after I eat”. It had to be now because Master needed it NOW. There wasn’t a single second of complaint about it from me. This was my job as his sub: To do as he required. Period. He had that total power to command. An hour and a half later (because waiting for trains and walking blocks through neighborhood), I was back home and finally able to eat my supper at 9 o’clock at night.
Having “total” power also means having discretion over when to exert their will and when not to.
He knew he could insert his own ideas into my books. He could use that power if he wanted. He chose never to tell me what to write or how. He felt it would not be appropriate. That is discretion.
He could have told me what kinds of leather goods to make. He could have told me never to use skulls or upside down crosses if he wanted. He chose never to tell me what to make or how to make it. That is discretion. He did, however, greatly enjoy prototype day, and some of my innovations. He particularly liked the 3-sided, meatier handles.
He could have bent me over and fucked me during the most painful days of my period if he wanted. He chose mercy, and would sometimes jerk off onto my tits instead. All I had to do was kneel or sit there and hold my tits up. He chose not to cause me more pain and discomfort. He chose discretion.
There was a time we discussed a piercing or tattoo to mark me as his. Then he worked a season with the Freak Show from Coney Island hanging in Blood Manor. He came home one morning and declared that he would never get me pierced or tattooed. Ever. Didn’t matter if I wanted the piercing or tattoo. He had decided, and the matter was at his discretion in the first place. When the time came that I wanted a simple tattoo as research for a book, he allowed it because it was for my own reasons and not something marking me as his. When I asked, months later, if I could get it finished, he said no. I did not sneak out behind his back to get the tattoo finished. Because total power exchange.
He chose to allow me to learn to top others. He could have put a stop to it at any time. In the last couple years of our relationship, he let me go to spanking parties and receive. But there were rules for both. I could not touch the genitals of anyone. No one could touch my genitals. There was no kissing. No mouths touched me and my mouth touched no one. This was completely within his power to permit or refuse at any time, any party. Even if I was about to walk out the door, he could have told me to stay home and I would have had to obey. Because total…and at his discretion.
I didn’t ever intentionally disobey him on trivial things or for trivial reasons. He knew anything I did that was contrary to what he might have wanted was a “rock/hard place” moment and I made the best decision I could…in good faith.
Not once was his “power” diminished by any of his decisions. He chose when how to use his authority and exert himself…and chose when not. He made what he felt was the correct decision in the moment.
And I didn’t turn every decision into a battle in order to have my way. Pissing and moaning over every decision, undermining every decision or overriding them and doing whatever the fuck I wanted, would have undermined the entire TPE dynamic. It would not have been “total”.
TPE meant he decided and I abided. Period.
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written four “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty eight fiction books. She’s been doing this bdsm stuff for 34 years and lived TPE relationships for 31 years.
Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2
You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
She enjoys crocheting, diamond painting, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.
This week in kink: October 18, 2021
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Pain Processing In Kink
As some of you who follow me on Fet may have noticed, I recently added two rib tattoos to the markings Santa has gifted me.
They really fucking hurt, by the way.
Interestingly enough, through my conversations with the tattoo artist and subsequent research on tattooing, I learned a lot about my own pain management that was new information. While I already knew some of this, learning the rest has been a great stepping stone to help me build a more effective pain management routine for days when Santa and I have heavy impact planned.
Some know this one already because I’ve mentioned it or because they have experienced it: pain can be more intense during certain portions of the menstrual cycle. For many it is during the actual menstruation while for others it is during ovulation. Those hormonal changes can make pain less easily tolerated. For those who may be unaware of this fluxuation, it can be a surprise when they suddenly have difficulty with an experience, not realizing the hormonal factor can be a huge variance.
Sleep matters. There are times an extended impact session (or other painful experience) can be about relaxing and focusing on an area of the body that is not experiencing pain. Those techniques are easier to employ when well rested. As for the focus one, the best way I know to describe it is an almost meditative focus on a comfortable body part. I will rub my two largest toes together on the foot with the permanent toe ring. It is a unique sensation and it can help to stop focusing on the part of my body that is hurting.
Stay hydrated. Hydrated skin tends to be more resilient, and isn’t as easily irritated. Things like needles or other tools can create redness and skin irritation, and hydrated skin will generally be able to tolerare those things for longer.
Eat a good meal. I have been guilty of forgetting to eat prior to a scene, and I know some people who don’t eat anything hearty beforehand because they are concerned about appearing bloated or full. It turns out that not eating is terrible for pain tolerance. We get endorphin kicks and adrenaline rushes when we dance with pain. Those chemicals use sugars in the blood as fuel. Without having a reserve, such as carbs or even eating fruit before a scene, the resulting body response can be feeling shaky or weak after handling pain, and subsequent pain will just fucking hurt, because the adrenaline has run out of food to eat. That will definitely cut a scene short.
Avoid alcohol. While, sure, there are impaired consent issues here, from a purely practical standpoint, alcohol can increase the body’s sensitivity to pain. It can also dampen mental acuity and make it more difficult to process the sensations being experienced without becoming overwhelmed or upset.
Use calming breathing techniques or breathing for meditation. Women have used breathing in childbirth to withstand pain, and similar techniques can help in kink experiences.
Relax, for goodness’ sake. How many times have we heard that tensing a muscle makes pain more intense? Work on isolation techniques such as the ones practiced in yoga. These can be excellent for helping stay in tune with one’s body and remind it to relax.
My routine has changed since I’ve learned all of this. Obviously, there are things I can’t change, such as my menstrual cycle. What I can do is choose whether or not to do impact during that time, or choose implements I know I can handle even then.
When I get up the morning we have plans, I eat cereal. I make sure to have a snack in the afternoon, and eat steak or other protein before we leave the house. I also pack an apple or some fruit to eat before our scene, to give me that extra bit of sugar for my body to eat up with endorphins. I also carry protein bars for a quick pick-me-up. I drink water all day, once we arrive, and afterwards, as well. I find that by using this routine, I don’t tend to crash afterwards or even really experience much in the way of drop.
Obviously, everyone is different in the way they handle pain. The thing that doesn’t change is the chemistry behind how our bodies work. The more we understand about ourselves, the better we can be at taking care of our bodies. The better care we take of them, the longer we will be able to participate in the kink activities we enjoy.
Discovering New Kinks Through Tantric Massage
There are many physical and psychological aspects of kinks that many wait years to discover. Exploring your boundaries safely and consensually is of the utmost importance. However, finding someone open and willing to engage in excitingly erotic activities isn’t easy.
This is where tantric massage has much to offer. So what is it, how can it be used to discover new kinks, and should you try it?
What Is Tantric Massage?
The art of Tantra is centuries old. Ancient civilisations have used Tantra as a form of physical and spiritual healing, and it quickly gained a resurgence in popularity throughout the 1960s on the wave of sexual liberation. An indulgent massage makes for excellent foreplay, but tantric massage’s additional yogic and meditative qualities are excellent for exploring the body, mind and soul. So how does this relate to kinks?
Can Tantric Massage Help You Discover New Kinks?
There are numerous ways tantric massage can open you to a world of pleasurable possibilities that are just waiting to be discovered.
Creating a Safe, Consensual Environment
Expertly trained massage therapists who are well-versed in the tantric arts are masters at creating a safe space where you can openly express your sexuality. While you might keep your wildest desires to yourself most of the time, you’ll find incredible liberation in sharing your most adventurous thoughts without judgement.
Helping You Explore Your Body
Kinks don’t often provide a direct route to sexual gratification, they’re much more nuanced than overt sexual acts. Taking the time to discover erogenous zones of the body can develop your understanding of the body. You’ll learn more about the places you like to be touched, how you like to be touched and the kind of stimulation that different types of touch can provide.
Tapping into Your Deepest Desires
In place of judgement-free enjoyment, new sensations can unlock your deepest desires for gratification. From a BDSM perspective, massage works both ways, either as a form of domination — where the masseuse or masseur is in total control of the activity — or, as submission — where the masseuse or masseur is responsible for pleasuring the dominant party through touch. In any case, you’ll be able to experiment with your partner, engaging in both roles to learn what you like most.
Opening Your Mind to New Forms of Pleasure
Being pampered and pleased is highly erotic and provides a direct route to satisfaction. For many, being tantalised and teased is equally enthralling. As you learn more about what you like, you’ll discover more things you enjoy.
The Most Common Kinks Associated with Tantric Massage
Tantric massage is great for BDSM beginners or those looking to discover new kinks. A huge number of opportunities for different kinks emerge from engaging in a professional, authentic tantric massage. Some of the most common kinks to emerge are:
- Orgasm Control — You can discover denying, ruining, extending or postponing orgasms through the variation of touch with an expert tantric masseuse or masseur. It relies on maintaining a high level of sexual arousal before, during or after a climax, sometimes achieved through techniques like edging.
- Domination/Subordination — Through massage, domination and subordination are a dynamic that can emerge between two people. One person takes on the dominant role as the leader or enforcer of the activity, while the other — the subordinate party — assumes more of a pleaser or servant role.
- Voyeurism — If you’re part of a couple, you can experience a tantric as a voyeur, watching your partner be massaged, reverse the roles and allow your partner to watch you enjoy the rapturous pleasure provided by the masseuse or masseur.
- Feet Fetishes — The magic of the tantric touch can inspire all kinds of new, wondrous pleasures. There is an abundance of nerve endings in the feet, which makes a foot fetish one to explore through massage.
- Lingerie — When adorned by your partner or a masseuse, the lacy fabric of lingerie can get your heart racing. It can start a new kink for you as it indicates powerful erotic intent.
- Role Play — This can be linked to dom/sub relationships, but it can also be unrelated. You can enjoy enacting a fictitious scene with your partner, masseuse or masseur.
Whatever your reasons for trying tantric massage, you should approach the activity with an open mind. You’re bound to discover something you enjoy!
Should You Try a Tantric Massage?
Whether you’re at the beginning of your sexual exploration journey or looking for something that will add a new, highly erotic dimension to your sexual escapades, trying a tantric massage with a professional is highly recommended. This way, you’ll learn more about the practice’s physical, mental and spiritual aspects enabling you to find more exciting and daring delights to try in the future.
Rose Colette Aston is a highly experienced tantric practitioner and holistic massage therapist. Drawing on her years of experience and training, she writes informative articles on a wide range of topics related to Tantra, massage, and other holistic well-being practices.
Is Age Merely A Number?
Finally, a question and answer that will NOT mention the C-Word. (Covid.) Oops, I slipped. Well, just once is pretty good!So, here it is (got there pretty quick, eh?)
Reader: My new sub is quite a bit younger than I am… by 25 years, in fact. We met online and immediately hit it off, and have moved into a RL relationship with flying colors so far. But I’m concerned about how our age difference might impact our relationship, mutual friendships and our play life. Any advice?
You sure picked the right Dom to ask this question to. My last collared, live-in slave was more – believe it or not – than thirty years younger than me. (Dexx can vouch for that!) As I recently released her, after more than eleven years together, I guess that makes me an “expert” on Master/slave relationships with extreme age disparities. One thing I have learned — there are both pros and cons in this situation. So, first let’s first examine the pros!One big advantage of age is experience.
Since you are more knowledgeable, BDSM-wise, than your submissive, you have already put a positive spin on your relationship. Even with just a few years head start, you will be able to dazzle your submissive with techniques that are only mastered over time. In fact, he/she might have chosen you because of your BDSM skills. I know many D/s couples where the age difference is cast in an exclusively positive light. “He is so much more experienced than I am.” “I learn so much about BDSM from my Master.” “I would never trust a Dom without him having many more years in the lifestyle than me.” These are the types of quotes I have heard, time and time again.
Believe me, your situation might raise eyebrows in the vanilla world. (“Is she your daughter?”) Here in our community, I have seen even greater age differences than mine and hardly an eyebrow (with a piercing!) was raised!Another reason this situation can work out so well in our lifestyle is that the older Dom/me likely has a large play and toy selection to keep his submissive happy! One reason so many vanilla May/December marriages die (or where the younger wife cheats!) is that the older man just simply can’t keep up with his younger wife – or compete with a younger man to satisfy her. Sadly, this is an unavoidable circumstance in the “sex-only–based” vanilla world. But, in our BDSM world, you have all sorts of play options that can keep your submissive flying, even if you can’t keep it up like a twenty year old.
For example, a long flogging session will excite a submissive more than any vanilla foreplay can. And, you can even put the submissive into sub-space – without any sex at all. Add sex into the mix, wow! No wonder the myth of submissives having a secret “Dom/me on the side” is less myth than fact. The appeal of a skilled Dominant to a submissive can never be underestimated. Since your younger partner is your sub, I see no reason why you cannot use your expertise to keep her enthralled for years. And, if you add a little Cialis, with the four-hour erection, into a long BDSM play session, your partner won’t be wanting for anything. Better living through floggers and chemistry!
However, there is one aspect to an age difference that can make it a more serious problem than many other issues — it is, by definition, irreversible. No Master or Mistress, no matter how skilled, can change that fact. Thus, to say age is never a factor would be wrong. In my case, my slave wanted kids; I did not. The fact that she wanted to have children while still in her early/mid thirties was not something that could be changed by order of the Master.
The biological clock is the biological clock. One must respect that. Another problem is the inevitable intrusion of the vanilla world into your realm. You have to be able to ignore the slings and arrows of disapproving peers. That it is often borne of jealousy does not make this scorn any less hurtful. I would basically ignore anything negative, especially from strangers. The fact that my relationship lasted almost twelve years is proof that it can be done.
Remember, if you use the positive aspects of your age and experience to your advantage, you will be fine. Judging by the number of May/December D/s couples I see, age will be the least of your worries!
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
Erotica: The Center Of The Circus
I am a quiet and well-behaved slave. This is especially true in public. I do not speak beyond what is required of me as a hostess or unless directly addressed. I stay as close to Master’s side as possible while still fulfilling the tasks he has set forth when we have guests. I work to negotiate for Master when newer individuals get on the table, clean up between bottoms (and after the festivities), and I make sure Master is fed and hydrated. I monitor the unattached bottoms who visit, and I have my own gaggle of littles that I babysit.
While I am often busy keeping everything running smoothly, Master is often busy introducing individuals to electroplay.
To say we rarely get play time at a public event is an understatement. And when we do, it is reserved for the end of the night. Considering how much Sadomasochism is in our play, there are two factors we must consider.
Factor number one is Master’s energy level. He plays with twenty to thirty people prior to me. While more than half of the scenes are under 15 minutes, the up and down of the endorphins and adrenaline wears Him down considerably.
Factor number two is how many people, at the party, are new. It seems like an odd thing to factor into our play, doesn’t it? Theoretically, the only people who matter in a scene are the participants. But, in the real world, that is not the case.
We play rough. We play heavy. I have yet to safeword. And it scares people.
So, if we do scene, it is always at the end of the night, when most of the new people have left.
We play late to protect ourselves.
But, when we do, we become the center of our own circus.
Master thrives on the crowd. It is as though he absorbs the energy put out by them and channels it into his implements. I am sure I have seen his eyes glow from that same energy.
So, sit back, boys and girls, and let me tell you the story of a Sadistic Ringmaster.
I have been watching you for hours Sir. Over and over, men and women willingly put themselves on your table and cross. I watch your eyes light up with pleasure and the sinister smile slowly take over. Your creativity is beyond bounds. I have yet to see the same scene twice, even with tastings.
I never know quite what to expect. We have never played in public before Sir and my nerves are getting the best of me. You’ve told me that it was my choice to play or not. I know you want me up there, but I also know you will stand by your word.
It has taken most of the night, but I am ready to do this.
I can hear the shouts of the one in front of me. He is a masochist that I have seen you play with him before. He likes it hard and fast. I can tell, even from here, that he will have welts for a couple of days. I find it amusing when he climbs the cross. For being cuffed, he is quite flexible.
I wait until you have stepped away and the cross is empty. I see you cleaning everything you used. My stomach is in my throat, and I am struggling to find my voice.
I silently move to cross, standing slightly behind you to your left. I wait patiently for you to acknowledge me. It takes a few minutes. I wonder briefly if you have left me waiting on purpose, just to fuck with me.
“Hello, sweetie.”
“Hi Sir.”
“Is everything alright?” You turn to face me completely. Your hand rests on my shoulder and you give it a soft squeeze.
“Yes, Sir.” Deep Breath. “Will you flog me on the cross?” My insides are shaking. Why is it so hard to do this in public?
You raise an eyebrow. Without hesitation, you tell me to step up to the cross. I stand there for a minute, waiting. I see you grab the first toy and I get a very wicked idea.
“Are you ready?” You ask.
“Don’t you want to tie me up Sir?”
I see you smile. The game has begun.
My shoulders are tense. This is very new to me. Here I am, cuffed to the cross, in just my panties, waiting for what will happen next.
This is the easy part. I know better than to look. I won’t know the implement until you use it. How many do you think I can guess right?
Your body presses against my back. Your hand curves around my neck, but no pressure is applied. “Are you ready?”
Deep, shuddering breath. “Yes, Sir.”
“Safe word?”
“Red for stop. Yellow for check-in.”
“Good girl.”
With that, you step back. My body shivers in anticipation.
The first strike of the flogger hurts. I must force my shoulders to relax. I know that the more tense I am, the more I could hurt myself.
My eyes close as you find your rhythm. There is a steady heat building under my skin. This isn’t so bad. If I keep my eyes closed, I can forget everyone else is there. I feel you pause every so often. Sometimes your hands touch my skin and sometimes you switch the implements. The floggers are steadily getting stingier.
The room has fallen silent. Or, at least, I cannot hear them anymore. There is only white noise in my ears now. My head feels like it is swimming. My eyelids are heavy. My mouth feels glued shut. Even at the increasing pain, I have no drive to stop you.
Then there is a long pause.
I rest my forehead to the cool wood of the cross. I steady my breathing and wait. I can hear the murmurs of the people again, but I find I care far less now than I did at the start.
I don’t know how long you left me waiting. Even with my eyes closed, I can feel your presence.
Then, you shocked me.
Without any warning, I felt a firm whack to my ass. It’s the paddle.
Fuck. I hate those.
My eyes pop open, and my hands wrap around the chains holding me in place. “Fuuhhck.”
I hear you laugh. It’s a dark and rich sound that cuts through the static.
Two.
Three.
Then you change it up again.
It’s always in threes.
I have lost count of the number of implements. This is far from the flogging I initially asked for. Then again, you have blanket consent to do as you please with this body. And you never cease to surprise me.
Somewhere in between the paddles, you check in with me. I know you expect me to be honest. My body feels warm and on fire. I feel invincible.
You ask me how I am doing.
I turn my head until our eyes meet. My answer shocks you. “Is that all you’ve got, Magick?” There is no Sir or Master. I am challenging your reputation.
Bring.
It.
On.
Master.
The gasp of the crowd cuts through the static. I hear a lone voice warning me not to say that. But it isn’t you.
Our eyes stay locked for several moments. You smile wide. I think I have provoked the Dragon.
Well, there is no turning back now.
I break the eye contact, turning back to the cross, dropping my head, and baring my neck.
What have I done?
The room is silent. I can feel the eyes of everyone on us. I think I have shocked them Sir.
Without warning, I feel something thin and stingy hit my ass. Ow. We just went from a 3 or 4 to a 7 on the pain scale. I breathe deep. This is what I asked for.
My eyes stay closed, and I scrunch up my face as I breathe through the pain. This is what I was looking for Sir. I wanted to see your Sadistic side. I wanted to trigger the same intensity you give the other masochists. I wanted you to use me without fear.
The strikes no longer come in threes, nor do they have the same rhythm. I can tell you are still in control, but you want me to feel each strike. Without a steady pattern, I cannot zone out. I cannot sink into the sweet oblivion of sub space.
And you know it.
I lose track of time so easily under your touch. I don’t know how long we have been at this. My legs are starting to feel weak. My ass feels as though it is on fire. The only thing holding me up at this point is the tight grip I have on the chains.
I am not ready for this to end. I refuse to give after I issued a challenge.
I finally hear your voice, soft and gruff in my ear. “How are you holding up?”
“Good, Sir.”
Your hand rests on the back of my neck. It feels hot.
You step away and I mewl at the loss.
One.
That one takes my breath away. It was solid enough that I felt my body would go through the wall with the force.
Two.
Jesus Christ that hurt. Whatever that was has me nearly biting through my tongue.
Three. I have finally climbed the cross. This is the devil. I cannot feel the back of my thighs anymore. What on Earth did you use, Sir?
My body sags. I grit my teeth and lean against the wood. I am near my breaking point. But I do not want to stop Sir. I want you to know I can take anything you are willing to give. I cannot stop this. I won’t.
I feel you against my back again. Your body is solid as you pull me against you. My head drops back onto your shoulder. Your hands wrap around my torso and climb up to my nipples. Your fingers tweak them, tugging and pulling. All I can do is gasp. There is so much pain on my backside and the combination of pain and pleasure from my nipples is going to drop me right here. You tug them upward and bring me to my tip toes.
“You look so pretty when you climb the cross.”
I let out a soft gwaff. I don’t even have the energy to laugh right now.
You let go of my nipples and your arms holds my waist to keep me upright. “How are you pet?”
“I…I” Deep breath. “I…am good Sir.” I exhale loudly. “May I have some water before we continue?”
“Let’s get you down pet and then I will get you some water.”
“No, Sir. Please. We can continue.”
“Shh. You have done well pet.” I hear you ask someone to help undo the restraints.
Once my arms are free, they drop heavily to my side. I turn around in your embrace and rest my head on your chest. I feel very floaty Sir, almost drunk.
And very sore.
All I can think is Thank you, Master. That was one hell of a ride.
That was the first of many public play sessions. When he finished checking on me, I can proudly tell you that I not only walked away from the cross on my own two feet, I went back to hosting duties after. I was on a high for several days. It also brought about one of the longest (and lowest) sub drops I had ever experienced.
I asked what those last three toys were. The thick one that thudded (and felt like I would go through the floor) was a length of a fire hose. For future reference, it has physically knocked me off a spanking bench and has quite the power behind it.
The second toy (the sting that made me curse very loudly) was a length of weather stripping. It is very, very painful. It leaves wonderful marks.
The last (which made me climb the cross) is a serpentine belt. It is my favorite toy (and has been since that day). I learned during that session that the belt corners should be sanded down. We ended up drawing blood on my thigh and it left a mark for nearly three months. We honestly thought it would scar.
Please understand that our dynamic is a Total Power Exchange with blanket consent. While I asked for a flogging for this scene, he decided to push my limits. I wouldn’t change anything about this scene.
That includes challenging him.
No one else has the balls to do that. No one will go head-to-head with Master. That’s what makes me special. That is why I have the honor of wearing his collar. He says I keep surprising him.
As I said at the beginning, I am generally a quiet and well-behaved slave. But, when the lights come up and the Circus tents open, I get to challenge the Ringmaster at his own game.
And it keeps everyone coming back for more.
My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.
This week in kink: October 4, 2021
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Why Humiliation Is Exciting To Many
I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!
I’ve participated in a lot of discussions regarding the use of humiliation and degradation within power dynamics. Many consider the fact that many submissives enjoy being humiliated or degraded as being a paradox. I don’t see it as a paradox, I see it as a very rational, and expected, reaction. Here’s why:
I tend to think most people who enjoy humiliation, don’t enjoy humiliation itself, but LOVE being humiliated. In other words, it’s the fact that someone else is deliberately humiliating them that gets the chemicals flowing.
I’ve talked about it before – I believe that there is a process of rationalization whenever we willingly and voluntarily accept something from a partner that isn’t what we normally would desire. We must justify, to ourselves, why would allow this to happen to us. This is true when a sub is punished, or “tortured” (non-abusive), or required to do chores, follow protocols, or any number of other things. The fact that power dynamics are consensual, leaves out abusive / truly-forced reasons – leaving only the rationale that the dominant has the authority to inflict this upon the submissive – and, upon accepting that authority, leaving the submissive feeling “helpless” to resist.
So, voluntarily accepting something from a dominant that we normally would not accept, triggers a feeling of being under the dominant’s control and authority. That’s something subs want. That’s something that makes their submission feel more real. Subs don’t have to enjoy the activity – but they absolutely enjoy feeling the dominant’s authority.
This is behind my assertion that punishments always reward submissives…even if the punishment is something that they hate…and that people who think that you need to make the punishment severe enough for the sub to change their behavior to avoid it, are fooling themselves. The more the submissive dislikes the activity they feel compelled to allow, the more “real” the authority feels and the more titillating the experience. See my previous article entitled, “Punishment Is Always a Reward” in Kinkweekly, for a more in-depth discussion regarding punishments.
Humiliation is something most of us would try to avoid. It’s not a pleasant experience. But if a sub allows a dominant to humiliate them, they stimulate the feeling of submissiveness and powerlessness under the authority of the dominant. It promotes the dominant to a more powerful position in their mind, which is arousing and enjoyable.
There is a Yin to that Yang: Dominants are afforded the opposite end of that rationalization: They know that the submissive would normally avoid humiliating situations. However, they are not only allowing themselves to be humiliated, they’re do voluntarily within the context of their power dynamic. The rationalization that the dominant must have the authority to levy the punishment, supports the dominant’s feeling of control and power. Humiliation becomes a playful experience. How much can a dominant push a submissive? How far does that rationalized-authority extend?
In this light, it’s obvious why humiliation is desirable – and what the submissive and dominant may gain from it. It’s not a paradox at all. It makes complete sense!
Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com