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Using The Safe Word As A Weapon

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Using the Safe Word as a Weapon

We see it all the time. “sub has the power because safe word!” or “sub has the power because can stop play at any time.”

Okay…I have some questions that stem from the many repetitious discussions on safe words that I see on a daily basis on this site.

  1. WHY is your partner your enemy who must be beaten in all things?
  2. Why is your partner such a foe that he/she must be held at bay every minute by the power of your consent and the threat of…of what, exactly?

If you don’t obey my safe word, then I’m going to…what? What are you going to do? Call the police? Nope, you won’t call the police. They almost never call the police, do they. They don’t file reports. They don’t prosecute.

So what do they do? Drag their partner through the mud of the court of public opinion on whatever social websites you have profiles on.

Which brings me to…

  1. Why are you using the concept of the safe word as a weapon against your own partner?
  2. If your partner is such an enemy and you cannot trust them to communicate when something is amiss, why the fuck are you with that person in the first damn place?

————-
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written four “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over 30 fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

5 Things a Love of BDSM Says about Your Relationship

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BDSM is slowly gaining popularity, both among the young and old. But did you know that BDSM sex preferences speak volumes concerning your relationship? Check this out.

Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, & Masochism.

Couples are getting kinkier in 2021 and exploring sex preferences that would be considered taboo back in the good old days. We’ve covered so much about BDSM in other articles, but it appears as though we need a little bit more social proof.

A lot of couples fear getting their hands on BDSM. Some even dread the thought of breaching such a topic with their lovers. That says a lot about the kind of communication you have with your partner. For a long time, scientists and researchers have viewed BDSM participants as pathological, perverts, or abused victims who lack control. But that could not be further from the truth. Research now shows plenty of benefits of BDSM sex preferences as well as an increase in the practices. Moreover, those who engage appear to have their lives ‘in order’ and are not ‘disturbed.’

If anything, more husbands are willing to lose control of their wives and submit to each other’s desires. Indeed, more people are developing a keen interest in BDSM sex preferences, especially after popularizing Fifty Shades of Grey.

But wait, there is more. After consulting sex therapists and relationship experts from the best online dating sites, we found plenty of benefits to the health of your budding relationship. Here are a couple of expert thoughts on what different sex preferences say about you and your lover.

Buckle up; it’s about to get real bumpy.

1. Kinky Sex Preferences Portray Higher Levels of EQ

You’ll need a competitive level of IQ to survive in the marketplace. However, you may need all the EQ you can amass to keep your relationship going. Higher levels of emotional intelligence put you in a better position to handle other people’s frustrations better. BDSM sex preferences in relationships denote a ton of maturity in handling your relations.

2. The Audacity to Explore

Marriage counselors often have to deal with this issue – “she is not attractive anymore,” or “he does not satisfy me as he used to.”

Familiarity has a way of breeding contempt even among the closest of lovers. Routine becomes boring since it brings familiarity. Some couples explore sex preferences based on zodiac signs, while others try something different each week. BDSM shows you’re bold enough to explore the bounds of your horizon. Remember the basic rules if you’re new to BDSM sex preferences.

3. Open Channels of Communication

BDSM is all about losing one’s self to another. It entails submission and domination, all of which are hard elements in day-to-day life. We always want to control everything, from our finances to our health, family, social lives, and everything. Losing control becomes a new feeling for a lot of couples. Communicating that and going the extra mile to set boundaries is even more challenging. But partners who have gone the extra mile often find it easier to resolve other difficulties in their relationships once they explore unconventional sex preferences.

4. You Don’t Give a Darn What Others Say

Your sex preferences speak volumes about how you relate with your spouse and how you connect with the outside world. More conservative people are less likely to explore untypical sex preferences for fear of society’s perception. But such worries are rational at times.

Sex in ancient times was used ritualistically in most religions. We can get hints of how the ancients prized and valued sex from written scripts such as Kamasutra. The Ancient Greek culture probably borrowed BDSM sex practices from the Eastern Mesopotamian Empire. Mesopotamians embraced BDSM and temple sex with goddess Inanna as their justification. They believed such techniques would invoke the goddess of fertility and rebirth. These sex preferences would be followed by sacrificial worship and indulgence in orgies.

In the 21st  сentury, we still practice the same sex preferences more openly, but without the typical ritualistic sacrifices. From that short history, anything deviating from the vanilla couples type of sex has been viewed as ‘odd’ and, at times, a perversion.

Going outside the traditional view of sex preferences portrays boldness and a profound level of intimacy not defined by ‘others.’

That makes us curious, what are your sex preferences? Do let us know in the comment section below.

5. You are Fond of Creativity

Open-mindedness is a fundamental feature for most BDSM couples. Vanilla couples who explore BDSM sex preferences are generally creative. They invent new ways of doing things and get bored with repetition. BDSM can be pretty intimidating to a partner who is content with the usual. That’s why it’s imperative to understand just how much both of you are willing to do in the name of ‘creativity.’

Concluding Remarks

BDSM is more or less similar to saying, “I do!” This kind of consent requires deliberate premeditation about the risks and the intensity of BDSM. You may enjoy a little bit of pain, but that may be a turn-off to your partner. Have genuine communications upfront and research the limits of these sex preferences. We recommend that couples develop a sex preferences questionnaire to understand each other’s fantasies better.

That said, are you ready to experiment outside reality with BDSM sexual preferences?

Davis is a marriage and family therapist. She has worked in a variety of therapeutic settings over the past 7 years providing services to children, adults, families, and couples. She is currently doing specific research on the topic. Miranda loves traveling and hiking.

BDSM Safety Tips

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Ordinarily, I would throw this question into the cylindrical file from whence it came.  It – or some version thereof – had been answered many times before on kinkweekly.  But with the year off due to Covid, and generally less play spaces to keep you at the top of your game, I thought it prudent to take another stab at a safety question. After all, in this new reality, you can never been too careful. I might add, from personal experience, that when I returned to play I forgot aftercare – something  would never have done pre-pandemic.  And so, the following question.

Reader: Recently, my online kink group has been discussing what to do if something goes wrong or a pre-condition manifests itself during a scene. This kind of safety concern is beyond the usual.  So how can you prepare for every eventuality? (My adding: especially in this corona virus era.)

To start, a disclaimer: “It is impossible to prepare for every eventuality.”  If I could do this, I would be working for the President eliminating Covid immediately.  But seriously…regarding medical pre-conditions — there isn’t a list specifically geared to BDSM that you could read and sign before you entered a play space.  Even if there were, who would want to feel like they were visiting a dentist and filling out the medical questionnaire?  (Are you allergic to penicillin?)  But I think an over-arching question – “you don’t have a heart condition or asthma?” –  might open a productive dialogue between first-time players.  Thus one should be aware of any pre-conditions that could be a threat.  With Covid lurking around, one should at least take your partner’s temperature prior to play.  Being vaccinated – no matter what your views on vaccines – is not enough when it comes to dungeon play with many people around.  So buy a ten dollar thermometer and put it in your toy bag.  We do not know how flogging – for example – affects the virus; just be vigilant and if you see the bottom breaking out in a cold sweat it is time to stop play and take his/her temperature again.

Now onto safe words.  Although “safe words are not the end-all and be-all to safety,” they are definitely better than anything that comes in second.  The trick to using safe words effectively (and this seemingly obvious bit of advice might be extremely valuable to you).  Although the standard safe word is “red,” many people try to pick out their own personal safe word.  The “New Guard” wants style.  “Paga”” might be a cool safe word for Goreans, but when panic time sets in and the mind starts spinning, these words might not be at the tip of the tongue.  “Red” works for stop signs.  “Red” works for scenes.  Forget using trendy new safe words.  Use “red.”

I also advocate the use of a safe signal.  When you use a ball gag in a scene, the bottom –unless he/she is a ventriloquist — cannot give a safe word.  So agree on a safe signal based on what type of scene you are doing.  A great one is a shaking of the head continuously left to right — like a “no” signal.  This is unmistakable, and does not require the hands, which might be bound.  Between safe words and safe signals, you have increased safety a hundred fold.

Most BDSM writers always talk about a “safe call.”  In this case the old expression –  “after all is said and done, more is said than done” —  is applicable.  Most people never use the safe call procedure.  But if used properly, safe calls are really good tools – especially when you play for the first time with someone you hardly know.  In this age of the cell phone, it is really easy to have someone waiting for your call to see if all is well – and to arrange for any contingency plans should help be required.

Another safety key is…not playing with unsafe players!  Sometimes there are players who have gained a reputation for being unsafe; most times these reputations — if they are widespread and repeated by respected members of the community — have some basis in fact.  Stay away.  But there are other red flags.  When playing for the first time, a big red flag is when the Top says, “I never allow a safe word.”  They might rationalize it by saying something like, “I am into TPE and do not believe in safe words.”  Well, many in TPE relationships do eschew the safe word.  But this only happens after a relationship is established; eliminating the safe word is generally negotiated after playing for awhile.  Anyone who says “no safe words” right out of the box really hasn’t got a clue.

As for the scene itself, the oft-repeated advice of planning a scene in advance will add to the safety of it.  Some scenes are pretty safe in and of themselves — an interrogation scene, for example.  Others — such as mummification or breath play — are much more dangerous.  Make sure the skill level of the Dominant (as he/she is in control) matches the danger quotient (D.Q.) of the scene being attempted.  And though much of what I outlined here has been discussed before, there is nothing wrong in stating the obvious if it can save you a trip to the hospital. Remember, “Safety isn’t everything, it’s the only thing!” 

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Fantasy vs. Reality-Heavy and Experimental Play

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YIPEEEE!!!!! We made it into the room where all the fun stuff begins and there is SO MUCH OF IT!!!!! 

I get it, I was there too once upon a time. The possibilities SEEM endless and for most folks imaginations, they are. Emphasis on imagination. It is fun to think of all the kinky scenes we can design or be a part of. Why not stretch our imagination? I do for sure! 

Imagination, fantasy, is not a problem. It spurs us to be more creative, think of new and exciting ways to turn each other into pretzels, and is just plain HAWT! 

Where the issues begin is not matching our fantasies, with reality. Or more accurately not being able to distinguish between the two. Some people want to implement play that would be highly dangerous even for the most experienced players. I believe this comes mostly from a place of naivete. Where they have not learned enough to even ask the right questions yet……. and/or perhaps a bit of frenzy mixed in. Yes, frenzy happens to tops also. Then there are the nutters like me.

Whatever category you fall into, dreams have their place, but they can also be dangerous if taken too far. How do we distinguish between those fantasies and reality? A cool idea vs. an actionable scene.

  • The First Stop Sign

Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) has been part of kink culture since the 80’s, Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) the 90’s, and more recently Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink (PRICK…. No not that one…. eyes front). 

Consent, being the commonality in all three.

We may have this amazing idea for a new predicament bondage rig using a wagon wheel and a charged firehose; a suspension involving two bull elephants and an East Indian Mahout; or better yet melting overhead blocks of ice containing daggers that drip icy cold droplets on our slave in between the thunks of many Gerber Mark IIs burying themselves in the plywood beside them one after another as the warm breeze from my heat gun melts it all away. None of that matters if someone is not willing to say yes.

We can dream all we like, but if multiple people are saying no, and even hell no; perhaps our image of using 300-pound sheets of sugar glass to sandwich our submissive over an ant hill may not be such a brilliant idea. (I originally wrote “hot” instead of brilliant, but the hot sun is part of the scene so…. yeah there’s that.)

One last note on consent and heavy/experimental play. If the particular scene is going to happen in a place we do not personally own, we should run it by the owners of the venue first. There is not much worse than the fantasy finally coming to fruition and having a giant pile of, “NOPE!,” dropped on it by a DM or the owners themselves mid-scene. Get their consent and rig your play area accordingly to prevent interruptions.

  • The Second Stop Sign

Feasible. Has what we want to attempt been done before and by whom? (I saw Cirque De Soleil do it!)

What skills does it take to pull it off? 

Sure, as evidenced above I can come up with some off-the-wall shenanigans. If I have not developed the associated skills to do it reasonably safely then attempting the feat would be pointless. Like racing the 24 Hours at Le Mans in a Prius. Of course, what is within reason for one person, will not be the same for someone else.

I know most of what we do is not “safe,” really, I do. But having the skills to do what we are conjuring up, matters if we are planning on attempting it. Especially when it comes to preventing bad things from happening, and everybody having a good time.

I am not a fan of seriously damaging people or prison, and hopefully you are not either. So winging it….probably not a good plan. 

  • Yet Another Red Octagon bearing, “ALTO!”

Risks involving heavy/experimental play. What are they and can we mitigate them? If something does go badly, we want the negative impact to be as minimal as possible to all involved.

How can we alter our idea or put protective measures in place to lessen risks? Often that comes down to our creativity and getting help. Other folks in kink can help us identify what we need to do in order to create a better outcome. USE THEM! I do. If I come up with some crazy hairbrained scheme one of the first things I do is run it by someone else. They tell me I’m nuts and to go fuck myself….. then we have a lengthy conversation involving a lot of what ifs.

For the risks involved, do I have the skill to respond to the corresponding injuries or issues that may arise? Can I learn them? If not is there someone who can be present who does? We do not always have to be the person who knows and can do everything. However, where we have gaps, it helps to have people present who know the things we do not. 

Once you’ve assessed the risks, and talked them over with your bottom, there needs to be a real gut check for all involved. Ask the question, “Is it worth the risk?” If both of you say yes, then so be it. If one of you hesitates or says no….. it’s probably time to go back to the drawing board. (I find crayons helpful…. the colors keep things organized. And besides, who doesn’t like crayons?)

  • The Consequences

After all the planning, risk mitigation, negotiations, and discussions we must come to terms with the potential consequences. What are they and can we live with them if it does not go as planned?

Not always an easy question to answer but really, this part is no more complicated than that. 

Answer the question honestly. It does no good to lie to ourselves.

  • Ways to Help Make our Outrageous Fantasies….Kinda Sorta Come True

Get Help – Aside from having the skill, a willing and knowledgeable bottom, and measures in place, one of the best resources we have for carrying out a new-fangled adventure is another well experienced top or bottom. Someone to help us plan and evaluate; a person who can be in the room/venue who is keeping tabs on our bottom, us, and the situation as a whole; a sounding board to help keep us in check. When we do new things which are risky (well riskier than our normal), we often cannot see the forest because of the trees. Having that additional set of eyes becomes invaluable.

Break it Down- If the whole of the idea does not work together, perhaps pieces and parts can work separately until we are confident enough to launch the whole rocket at once. Even NASA experiments in stages, one piece at a time. Practicing and becoming proficient in one element, then adding another gives us a methodical way to build skill and confidence. It may take a lot longer to get to the final goal, but chances are you will be more successful.

Change it Up- What if I changed my dagger scenario from real ones to fake ones? Or used a blindfold and replaced the ice blocks with daggers my bottom observed being suspended with blocks containing golf ball sized rocks? We may not be able to do something exactly how we dreamt, but we can modify the thought into something more manageable. Let those creative juices out not just thinking of a new torture, but also solving the pending problems accompanying it.

Slight of Hand- Simulation, slight of hand, or any manner of tom foolery can help us get the effect we desire without doing exactly what we concocted whilst counting sheep and drooling on a pillow. We can set a scene one way, put a blind fold on our bottom and remove or modify the most dangerous elements. The fear/anticipation peak will likely still linger, even though we have mitigated some of the actual danger. (pssst….. mobile platforms, turn tables, and rotating walls are great for this….set two scenes one hidden and one not…. Then move your bottom accordingly 😊)

Just Dream- Some things, no matter how much we wish it, simply should not happen. That does not mean it’s gone forever; we can still talk about it. Maybe weave the fantasy into a hot dialogue during another activity to get our bottom all revved up. Tease them with the thought of it in the middle of the day via a text from work. Turn it into a hot erotic story the two of you take turns writing in a journal. Who knows, maybe they will help you game out something just as fun…. But much more doable. 

  • To Dream the Impossible Dream

Dreams are not stupid. They are budding possibilities and have driven some of the most amazing advances mankind has ever seen. Sometimes though, they should stay where they were born, in our heads. Like the Hindenburg or Return of the Living Dead Part II. (No, you horror movie freaks….it really was that bad!)

Sometimes we just need to think about our dreams differently, like using Helium instead of Hydrogen. You were flexibly minded enough to come up with the original idea…. Keep thinking, all may not be lost.

Through all of it remember we need to consider consent, feasibility, skill, resources, risks, and the consequences. Really think things through. We want this to be a phenomenal experience which will not happen if one of our elephants walks away for want of a wrangler or we drop a wagon wheel on a bare foot.

Taking a long time to plan something may take the wind out of our sails sometimes. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. If it’s that hard to pull off, we probably are not ready for it, yet. Break out the crayons.

Like everything else we do in kink, there is a balance point where things just work. Maybe we’ll find it, maybe we won’t. But for certain we will learn something along the way while scheming out our latest kinky brain bonanza.

Keep dreaming……. Our wild ideas have a place in kink too.

This week in kink: September 27, 2021

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Woman uses man as a chair in viral video!

Click below to learn more from the dailydot!

‘And they say chivalry is dead’: Woman uses man as ‘boy chair’ in viral photo, sparking debate

Pro Domme tells couples when to have sex!

Click below to read more from the Central Recorder!

Dominatrix shares best time of day to have sex – and you should avoid evenings

PsyPost says that kinksters have higher pain thresholds!

Click below to find out more!

https://www.psypost.org/2021/09/people-who-partake-in-bdsm-have-higher-pain-thresholds-according-to-new-research-61856

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

This week in kink: September 20, 2021

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Learn about a leather event put on by a Berlin church!

Click below to find out more from PinkNews!

https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2021/09/13/berlin-church-leather/

Learn about a Pro Domme’s experience with financial domination and humiliation from the District Chronicles!

Click below to learn more!

I’m a financial dominatrix – men get aroused from losing control of their finances and I get to make more than $100K

Discover the best Craig’s List dating and hook up alternatives from HeraldNet!

Click below to read more!

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

The Case Of Trevor Bauer

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In our world, a lot can go wrong if we are not very careful. Trevor Bauer, professional baseball player, is currently finding this out. Pending the outcome of a restraining order hearing in LA Superior Court and potential criminal charges, the outlook does not get much worse. All over a series of potential kink encounters gone wrong.

Before I go any further, this is not about his potential innocence or guilt. Or the voracity of the claims of his accuser. It is looking at the overall circumstances which potentially led to this point from the lens of kink. I was not there and do not know all the facts. Likely the real truth will never see the light of day. Bystanders like us are left to speculate what may have happened. Which I am not doing either.

What this article will examine some of the potential failure points as IF this was a kink encounter gone bad and what might have been done to prevent things going as they did.

  • Just the Facts Ma’am

There is no one news story, article, or piece of court document which gives us a very good picture of what transpired. But after reading over fifty differing accounts of the court testimony and other sources a pattern begins to emerge where their stories match up. These are what I am hanging my hat on.

  1. There were only two encounters between the two of them both at Bauer’s residence.
  2. The two of them texted extensively and that during these exchanges “rough sex” was discussed at length to which they both indicated they were into.
  3. At some point in time a discussion on limits was had. Unknown what time or by what means the discussion took place. During these discussions his accuser did indicate some activities she was not comfortable with. We do not know what those are.
  4. The first encounter included rough sex as well as choking to the point of unconsciousness, fingers being shoved down her throat, impact by hand without bruising, and vaginal and anal sex. The latter possibly by force while she was unconscious.
  5. That when she regained consciousness, she asked him to stop, and he did.
  6. In between encounters she stated via text that she had never been more turned on than after their first encounter. This included her admission she liked “rough sex” and his statement that she probably did not like it as rough as he did. To which she replied, “Bring on the pain.”
  7. They agreed to meet a second time.
  8. The second encounter included rough sex as well as choking to the point of unconsciousness, impact by hand which included bruising, and vaginal and anal sex. The later possibly forced during the period of unconsciousness.
  9. That when she regained consciousness, she asked him to stop, and he did.
  10. That she incurred significant bruising as a result of the second encounter. She also experienced petechial hemorrhaging around the eyes and darkened gums potentially as a result of being choked.
  11. That they communicated via text after the second encounter during which she relayed images of the marks, bruising and hemorrhaging and he relayed his concern and offered support.
  12. That a day or so after the second encounter she sought medical assistance at an emergency room. During which the ER nurse administered a SART Examination (evidentiary examination for sexual assault) and notified law enforcement.
  13. Law enforcement did interview her. Law enforcement has not filed since charges or made an arrest on Bauer.
  14. Approximately a month later she filed for a protection order through the LA Superior Courts, Civil Division.

These lead me to believe they were engaged in kink; that they were both probably not very experienced; and the level of play did not match to the level of relationship or trust.

If so, where did it all go wrong and what are the failure points? What could they have done differently?

  • In the Beginning Consent – Potential Criminal Liability (leaving the protective order issue aside) 

Like most kink cases we have seen in the past Bauer is trying to argue these were consensual encounters and very possibly, given what we know, they were. But that does not matter one bit. As I have written in the past, consent as a legal defense regarding kink is a very iffy bet at best. Both regional and federal courts have ruled against consent as a defense in kink consistently.

Why?

Because it does not matter if the person receiving gave their consent as they cannot legally consent to a criminal act. In this case significant physical injury and forced penetration while unconscious. California has a specific law on the latter.  

  • Even Before Consent to the Act

What happened to not playing hard with people we barely know? Especially not Edge Play like choking. This more than anything else leads me to believe they are inexperienced players. 

What is on display here is a wanton disregard or being completely naïve of practices we know help protect us from both severe physical harm and legal issues. I can see some lower-level negotiation before very light play and have no problem with it. Yet here, they went all in without any known trust bond or relationship.

That is not only reckless from a legal standpoint, but from a personal safety standpoint also.

What we do in kink is risky, so risk seeking is hard coded in the DNA for many of us. Yet this drive to find the next physical and emotional high through play needs to be tempered with some restraint and good judgement. More often than not, we see newer players lacking in these areas, because they are new, lacking that experience, and get caught up in a current sweeping them along.

We need to take a significant amount of time to vet and get to know a person fairly well if we are going to play heavy. There is not any substitute for it and the potential consequences of ignoring this step are national headlines today.

  • The Marks of Passion

Whether we like it or not, they are evidence of a potential battery. As kinky people we do not view them this way, but the law does. Any time we leave a mark on someone, we have to be at peace with the potential consequences. If not, I would seriously advise against leaving any.

Bauer not only left marks but choked the accuser to the point where there was petechial hemorrhaging. Approximately 30 seconds of sustained pressure causes the blood vessels in the face to burst. This amount of force and time for the petechiae to develop puts the bottom in imminent risk of permanent physical harm. Law enforcement knows this and may charge Bauer accordingly as it could be viewed as attempted homicide or at the least a felony battery. The next 10 to 40 years of his life could be forfeit. 

Not being able to hammer this point enough….. if you are going to play this hard, you better be able to trust your partner. Both ways. Not the, “I’ve known them for a few months,” kind of trust. The I would trust them with my life and raising my kids if I died kind. 

If they are both inexperienced players as I suspect, Bauer and his accuser probably had no idea what they were getting into or they likely would not be where they are with this issue today.

Have a plan for seeking medical attention if needed. Seek out kink friendly professionals in your area who understand the marks they see, may not be abusive. Take the time to learn first aid, wound care, and more advanced medical aid appropriate to the type of play you are engaging in. If both of them were experienced, had a plan, and taken the time to train in how to deal with kink injuries….. perhaps this could have been avoided.

  • It’s the Unseen Things Which Can Bite Us the Worst

If Bauer knew her medical history, it is currently unknown if he did. Perhaps he did not know enough to even ask. Here that history may have played a significant role. During the court hearing the nurse who administered the SART examination openly testified in court the accuser’s use of ibuprofen prior to the second encounter could have exacerbated the bruising. The accuser was also taking the prescription medications Lexapro and Gabapentin. These in combination are a serious cocktail and may have also contributed to the excessive bruising.

Lexapro is an antidepressant and anxiety medication. Not digging on anyone who needs it or uses it. But as a top I would want to dig a little bit on this to make sure the person I was playing with is ok enough to do so. 

Gabapentin is used with other medications to prevent and control seizures. It is also used to relieve nerve pain in adults and is known as an anticonvulsant or antiepileptic drug. Knowing this I would be very hesitant to engage in heavy impact or choking/breath play. Regardless of why the accuser was taking the medication, they may be less likely to have a healthy pain response and unable to tell me the difference between the good pain (of impact play) and bad pain, to prevent seriously damaging them. Further, a restriction of oxygen could trigger a seizure.

Whether we like it or not, as tops we do have a responsibility to say no to play if we believe someone is not ready for the activities we want to engage in. Physically or mentally. Talking about medical history and medications is the only way to gain the needed information so we can make an informed decision. People involved in kink need to get past the embarrassment or secrecy they may hold regarding their personal information in this regard. It is for our own personal and collective safety.

  • Where It All Ends Up

There is no way to tell at this point what the outcome of the protection order hearing will be let alone potential criminal charges for Bauer. When this article is published, at least one of those may have been decided. Hopefully, with the release of additional information we can learn more about the circumstances and use it to better protect ourselves.

In the meantime, please take this article for what it is, partly fact, and partly speculation. Both used to highlight potential legal and physical risks of play.  I am not suggesting you should stop everything and go through your medicine cabinet or quit playing all together. Only that some of what we do has to be approached with real planning and thought; a bit of caution aided with a modicum of knowledge; and whole heap of covering your own ass before the fact.

Vetting; developing trust; understanding the kinks you are exercising and the risks; having an understanding of each others’ medical concerns, history, and medications; as well as having a plan for if play goes wrong are all key points we need to be aware of and practice. 

If we do not, we are rolling a loaded pair of dice and the odds are against us. 

Bauer rolled snake eyes.

News Stories and Relevant Links (unfortunately case transcripts are not available in full at this time)

Drug Interaction Checker – Find Interactions Between Medications (webmd.com)

9 Entirely Un-Sexy Risks of BDSM and How to Avoid Them (Part 1) (kinkoutloud.com)

9 Entirely Un-Sexy Risks of BDSM and How to Avoid Them (Part 2) (kinkoutloud.com)

Petechial Hemorrhage | Encyclopedia.com

Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) – Sex-Positive Support for Kink and Nonmonogamy (kapprofessionals.org)

Trevor Bauer Court Documents: Sexual Assault Accusation Details | Heavy.com

Trevor Bauer: California woman shares her brutal fear during restraining order hearing – Sports Illustrated

Trevor Bauer’s accuser cross-examined by Dodgers pitcher’s attorney on 2nd day of restraining order hearing – ABC7 Los Angeles

Trevor Bauer accuser details why she asked for restraining order – The Washington Post

What we learned from Day 2 of the Bauer Hearing – Beyond the Box Score

Trevor Bauer accuser becomes flustered by cross-examination – Los Angeles Times (latimes.com)

Bauer accuser grilled about past relationships with Padres players, deleted messages – Daily News

Trevor Bauer’s attorneys question his accuser (nypost.com)

Trevor Bauer (トレバー・バウアー) (@BauerOutage) / Twitter

Trevor Bauer’s hearing begins with testimony from accuser – Los Angeles Times (latimes.com)

Trevor Bauer accuser testifies against Dodgers pitcher in restraining order hearing – ABC7 Los Angeles

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to and helps admin several online kink, polyamory, and swing culture groups on Facebook such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; Virtual Munch; and Pittsburgh Lifestyle. His writing includes information on self-improvement, kink education, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics, healthy and healing relationships, power exchange, safety and much more. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for over three decades. He can be contacted and view much of his other writing on FetLife @ TAC_1.

Bastinado or Caning The Soles of The Feet

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sexy feet in fishnets
via stock.adobe.com

bas·ti·na·do  

/ˌbastəˈnādō,ˌbastəˈnädō/  

HISTORICAL  

noun  

a form of punishment or torture that involves caning the soles of someone’s feet. 

verb  

punish or torture (someone) by caning the soles of the feet.  

“the prisoners were bastinadoed frequently in his presence”  

The German term is Bastonade, deriving from the Italian noun bastonata (stroke with the use of a stick).  In former times it was also referred to as Sohlenstreich (corr. striking the soles). The Chinese term is dǎ  jiǎoxīn (打脚心 / 打腳心).  

The point is that Bastinado has been practices as a form of punishment for a very long time. In kink, on the other hand, as separate from a hard caning by a Dominant for the reason of punishment, Bastinado  can be thought of as a day for the feet to go to the spa. A good place to start with the feet are the  acupressure charts that illustrate the way the sole of foot relates to the rest of the body’s organs. Keep in mind as you work on feet that there is a variance between left and right foot and there is also a  variance between people. With that in mind, viewing more than one chart is a good idea so that you are familiar with the variances.  

Another idea is to familiarize yourself with foot anatomy. Not necessarily to the degree that you can talk  anatomy with an expert, but to be aware of the bones of the foot and how thick or thin they are and  also so that you understand at least in a limited way, what the musculature of the foot looks like.  

So how does one approach a Bastinado scene with one’s submissive/bottom to have them drooling with pleasure?  

First create the ambiance. Dark room, soft instrumental music, a comfortable table, and a range of tools.  

It’s nice to begin with your new knowledge of foot anatomy, a foot massage with a light oil that they are  not allergic to is a great way to begin. Another way to warm the foot up is to do a wax scene with the  feet, but that is not necessary, only nice.  

The thing to keep in mind is that compared to the muscle mass in the arm, the muscle mass in the foot is  minute. The bones are little and it’s important to mitigate against the possibility of causing serious  injury. This is not a torture or even meant to be a punishment. Bastinado is a way to “pay back” the  submissive with a day at the foot spa. It’s good advice to do a butt spanking first to warm up the “root  chakra” before going on to the feet. When you do transition to the feet, make sure to use a thick thuddy  short cane at first to warm up to foot evenly.  

It’s a very good idea for Bastinado to use a shortened cane, which is much easier to control. Work the strokes up and down the foot to warm the sole of the foot evenly.  

Caning the foot is not the sort of stroke you use to mark a bottom. It’s a foreshortened swing with a  shortened cane, the stroke should be no more than an inch or two at most to begin with. To manage  this, it’s best to use a short cane (shorty) with very small partial strokes at first. One way to test how hard you can strike the foot is for the Dominant to first use the cane on his or her own foot first to see  both where and how hard to strike the foot in a manner that enhances the experience. It’s also not a  bad idea to compare what you are feeling to the reflexology charts as you do so. Then have the bottom  do the same and let them tell you how hard to hit. Do this with a shorty. A short cane generates less  force than a longer cane, especially with partial strokes. Even so, remember that your foot is not the  bottom’s foot. My feet are thick and meaty, my bottom’s feet are thin and boney, so I have to think  about her foot with the reality of the difference between her foot and mine, in mind. Every foot is different.  

As with all kinks, especially as you get started with Bastinado, it’s a very good idea for the bottom to  turn the volume up on their thoughts. The top cannot guess what the bottom is feeling and there needs  to be a very useful way to share the experience out loud. One way is for the bottom to share from the  out of 1-10 scale as in: “1, 2 or 3” is light and easily tolerated, “4, 5 and 6” is just right and “7” is too  much and “8, 9 and 10” are all out of bounds. The top should listen to the number the bottom is sharing  so that they can match the intensity of the stroke to the tolerance.  

It’s good to work on one foot at a time so that you as the top can approach each foot from a similar side.  I prefer to stand on the outside of the leg so that my stroke falls (ideally) in the arch and along the pads  of the foot with great toe pad getting the most attention.  

If you are someone who has trouble targeting the strokes accurately, you might try putting a short cane  between the toes to act as a guide and that way you can get full coverage of the foot as you move the target toward the heel. Just remember that tapping the cane, bouncing the cane on the foot with a light  grip as is the bounce back stroke. At most a 2” swing to a 10” swing with no full force swings of the cane  are necessary for a good session. Remember, it’s a day at the foot spa for the bottom.  

Think of Bastinado as a way to pay the bottom back for all the time, effort and energy that they have given you as the Top.  

You can also use a tuning fork or a waxing or a massage and all of the above to make this an amazing  Bastinado experience. Start light, have fun, go slow and enjoy this fetish.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/