dungeon safety

Being Prepared: First Aid And Kink

August 26, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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One of the things I am very grateful of- from early on in my kink life my mentor drilled into me that before I could potentially break it, I needed to know how to fix it.

I think everyone would agree, avoiding injury and safety in play is our first priority. But we spend, or at least I do, a whole lot more time thinking about the play itself, than about what to do if someone gets hurt. Of course we do! Fantasizing about our next scene and what will happen is a whole lot sexier than ticking off a mental list of risks and whether or not we packed a roll of gauze in our bag. Nothing will kill that mid-day tingle like the thought of a broken finger and how to splint it.

If we stay in the game long enough, someone is going to get a bit banged up. Not just our bottoms, but tops get injured also. It pays for everyone involved to be reasonably versed in first aid and general wound care. Here are a few things I picked up along the way which might help you be a little better prepared.

Learn How to Fix It

Depending on what play you are into, there are a variety of injuries which can happen no matter how careful we are. For the most part, general first aid will cover the odd minor cuts, abrasions, bruises, and the like. For heavier players, split skin, lacerations, deep bruising, serious cuts and possibly worse can happen. Knowing what to do for more serious injuries is a must in these instances and can be the difference between something being able to heal well, and a trip to the emergency room.

Start with a Red Cross First Aid and CPR Class. Yes, go to an actual class where you can go hands on, not just watching a YouTube video or reading a book. Walking through the different aspects helps set the knowledge better in our heads and gives us a chance to ask questions and hear the questions of others being answered. The value of this interaction cannot be overstated.

If you are a heavier player, consider attending some kink specific training where you can ask the instructors what the potential injuries may be, and what to do about them. There are also plenty of survivalists out there who run field first aid classes which teach about how to deal with more serious injuries.

Nope I’m not a Kook and I’m not joking.

Sure, you may learn a whole lot more than you need, but having the core knowledge that is more in depth than simple first aid can be a game changer if a scene goes really badly. It’s better to be over prepared than under. Not to mention….it’s just good to know.

A good reference book for this more advanced care is the US Army Field Manual for First Aid which can be found for free here- Chapter 1 (army.mil) as well as this book available through Amazon ACEP First Aid Manual, 5th Edition (Dk First Aid Manual): DK Publishing: 9781465419507: Amazon.com: Gateway

Again, a whole bunch more information than you need, but if you do suspensions dropping someone on their head might be a real concern. Knowing what to do with a head injury might be important to you.

Build Your Kit

“OH MY GOD!!!! I read that manual now I have to build a footlocker sized first aid kit!”

Nope. You really don’t. Start with a commercial of the shelf basic first aid kit which covers minor injuries. Most of these are small enough to fit easily in a side pocket of most gear bags. I won’t go over everything I think you should have in this basic kit, but here is one which I would recommend as it contains a bunch of what you need, and it has features which can be very helpful:

Amazon.com: 2-in-1 First Aid Kit (215 Piece) + Bonus 43 Piece Mini First Aid Kit -Includes Eyewash, Ice(Cold) Pack, Moleskin Pad and Emergency Blanket for Travel, Home, Office, Car, Workplace: Health & Personal Care

What is great about this kit:

Red Bag with a reflective stripe so it’s easier to locate in lower light settings.
Fold out sections and zipper pockets so its easy to find things quickly and keep organized.
Comes with medical shears – somethings a lot of rope tops recommend having around.
Has supplies which cover not just cuts, bites, stings and abrasions – but also has gear to help with a little more serious mechanical injuries.
Great price point for a basic kit.

This is a great start and will cover the vast majority of players out there and what they need in a kit. One note though, many of these types of kits do have some supplies which expire over time. Put on your annual to do list to inventory your kit and replace items you have used or have expired.

For those who might need gear for more serious injuries look at the type of play and match additional supplies to those risks. Here are a few examples-

Fire Play- extra ice packs, sterile burn bandages, and extra gauze.

Knife Play- pressure dressing, chest seal, and a coagulant pack and/or coagulant gauze, CAT tourniquet (or similar).

Rope Play- rescue hook, extra ointment for abrasions, extra gauze, kinesthetic tape.

CNC and Primal- Kinesthetic tape and finger splints.

Whips (as in a serious single tail)- Antibiotic ointment, superglue, and butterfly closures.

Just some examples (I know there is a lot more you super prepper kinksters), and to many of you these may sound like overkill. For most of you it would be. But penetrating wounds can happen during knife play. Sweat drips onto a slick floor, the foot slips a bit and out of reaction the Top tries to catch themselves. That knife could wind up where it wasn’t intended, in either of you. Better to be prepared than not. Knives may be a cool thought for you newer rope tops….. until you try to get it between the skin of your bottom and the rope in a hurry without cutting them badly. Oh, and test it out on a spare piece of rope so you know how it works.

Don’t build a foot locker full of medical gear, unless that’s your kink😉. You’ll hate it and you won’t take it with you when you should. A smallish kit with what you need is best. Stick to items you know how to use.

Lastly, make sure you are protecting yourself. Pack extra rubber or nitrile gloves in your kit and a pair of safety glasses. Sure, you and your bottom may already have each other’s cooties…… but it may be someone else at the club who gets injured and you are the only one around with a decent kit and the knowledge to use it. Plan accordingly.

Practice

Like anything else in kink, when it’s happening is the wrong time to be googling how to do it. Take some time several times a year to go over what to do if someone gets injured. Not just you Tops but bottoms also. Practice on each other how to apply a basic bandage; what to do in case of a burn etc. We all like to think that after we go to a training the knowledge will always be there. IT WON’T.

Make the effort to refresh what you learned so if something does happen and people are freaking out around you putting you are under additional stress; what you need to do comes back to you without a herculean effort.

You would not use a single tail on someone without having practiced on a pillow regularly would you? Same principle.

Lastly, do not let your knowledge, kit, and practice make you overconfident. Things may happen which are beyond our ability to handle alone. Yes, there is risk in going to the hospital or calling an ambulance but its better than someone being permanently maimed or worse.

Keep it Handy

Not in the car; not in the closet; not in another room………

Handy! Like within reasonable reach.

Depending on the scene I keep my kit either next to the kink furniture I am using (where I won’t step on it) or in the gear bag within a few steps. I make sure that anyone I am playing with knows exactly where it is before play starts, and if there is a dungeon monitor, I inform them also.

When you need it, you need it. Enough said.

A Few Extras Which Are Nice to Have Around

Although not exactly first aid items, these can come in handy for different things if you have the room:

A bottle of water to wash out cuts or rinse abrasions.

Bug spray and sun screen for outdoor play. Mosquitos and sun poisoning can ruin an otherwise great outing.

Small pack of Kleenex for addressing small things that you don’t need a band-aid for like shaving cuts.

Pain killers such as ibuprofen or paracetamol.

The Pay Off

Having good knowledge of what to do in case of injury prompts us to assess risks in play more carefully making it less likely we will seriously injure someone. Knowing first aid and having a kit is not just a cure, but a means of prevention.

Being prepared in mind and with kit gives us the ability to prevent minor injuries from becoming serious ones; helps us recognize more serious injuries quickly; and potentially prevent an injury becoming life threatening. Practicing on each other builds our confidence and makes it more likely we will respond appropriately if an injury does happen.

Yes, this is going to take your valuable time, effort, and a bit of coin to do right. But so does practicing kink and we do that without blinking. Why wouldn’t we make the effort to protect the most valuable of assets, each other. Being prepared is an investment in ourselves and our partner which should not be overlooked or taken lightly.

As I said before…… When you need it, you need it. Enough said.

Here are some other resources which might be helpful:

American Red Cross

Wilderness First Aid (WFA)

Wilderness First Aid (nols.edu)

First Aid for Bruises, Abrasions and Other After Play Marks – Submissive Guide

Sexual Safety Kit – Submissive Feminist

BDSM — blossom’s Suggestions for a First Aid Kit (evilmonk.org)

Dungeon Monitor Kits – The DM’s Tool Bag (devianceanddesire.com)

Entering Back Into The Scene

July 8, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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As we all start returning to our usual pre-covid ways, I would guess that one of the problems specific to our lifestyle is the “If you don’t use it you lose it” principle. I know my flogging skills have deteriorated quite a bit. As an example, I was playing with a new sub last Saturday and actually missed the target get a couple of times. Fortunately, I was aware that when dealing with ropes, canes and floggers it is easy to screw up after an enforced “vacation.” The oft-quoted principle of “Dominant Infallibility”comes up very short after a layoff. This article, in place of my usual ”Ask BaadMaster”column, is a collection of tips to make your transition back into our world of dungeons and discipline a little easier. So here goes:

Go Slow. My first tip, distilled from my experiences as outlined in the introduction, is to “Go Slow.” Just as athletes take it slow when returning from an injury, we should too. This is especially true in impact play. And this +approach would apply to the bottoms/subs too. Like it or not, subs can be very demanding. So when first playing, don’t goad the Top into hitting you harder. We waited so long to get back our play spaces, one week or two won’t be that critical

Opportunity knocks.. If you are in a no-protocol or low-protocol relationship, it is easy to add a few rituals to your arsenal. For example, after your sub comes home on a Friday night and you have cleared out some play time, instruct her/him to perform a greeting ritual. Typically, the sub kneels in front of the Dominant and kisses his feet. Or, introduce some leash and collar play. Either of these not only adds a new dimension to your sub’s submission, but it also helps transition him/her from the basically vanilla world of quarantine to BDSM play. Just adding a little extra pre-D/s can work wonders when you finally get back to BDSM.

Add a new toy. I know you have lots of toys, but I doubt you own every one that is made! Search for a new toys at the local sex shop or online BDSM store. It might take a some effort, but as the martial artists (and sadists, too) say, “No pain, no gain!”
Add some discipline into your play life. This can get a bit tricky, because you cannot suddenly become a stern disciplinarian when you have not been one a year or more. I would tackle an area you have been neglecting. For example, have her wear a specific makeup that gets you hot; tell her to dress in fetish clothes or demand she do specific acts that you have discussed but have not gotten around to doing. Every couple has a few of these. If she refuses, then you can get into the punishment mode that can also be exciting. (This is from an “Ask BaadMaster” query,)
Use unique punishments. Since there is every chance your sub might not comply with your orders after a year or more away from the Dungeon,, you must devise some new and unique punishments that get you off and she has not experienced. For example, one punishment I find particularly effective is the use of a baby pacifier. Just the threat of making your partner wear one can have a profound impact. Many Dom/me’s use sexual deprivation as punishment. This is a great opportunity to expand your BDSM palette.
Don’t forget rewards. This one is easy to overlook. Piercings, tattoos and BDSM jewelry might work perfectly, depending on your relationship. And, if you expand your reward criteria to the non-BDSM world, you will have no trouble rewarding your sub for her excellent behavior.
Don’t call it a comeback! (Thanks, LL!) Don’t forget to include the most basic aspects of play when you are scening. It might seem obvious, but – even at the risk of looking foolish – go over safe words, safe signals and do not forget aftercare! Better to look foolish than be foolish.

Read our archives. There are tons of great articles archived here on Kink Weekly! Not only can you be a more effective Dom/me or sub with additional knowledge, but you can short-circuit the time needed to get back into top form.

This pandemic has had widespread affects on just about every field of endeavor – from chess to BDSM play. But think of it as an opportunity. Since one key to our lifestyle is inventiveness, use this chance to be…inventive!!!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Music In The Dungeon

June 17, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 1 Comment

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Music is often the unnoticed soundtrack of our lives. We shower to music, drive to music, and hear it almost constantly underscoring movies and television, giving us cues to enhance feelings. Colleges teach composers full semesters worth of information on how to best evoke certain feeling when writing music. When choosing music to accompany something, that matters, too. Imagine trying to work out aggressively to elevator music or meditate to screamo – those sounds don’t fit the mood of either of those activities. That can throw off an entire experience.

The sounds of my dungeon are pants, screams, whip cracks. I have heard these sounds echo into a silent playspace, and it always feels a little off. Music is an accepted accompaniment to these events. There were times when it was common to hear Enigma, and other when heavy metal was constant. Regardless of their content, playlists are arguably an essential part of setting the mood at any dungeon or playspace.

Having come back to our dungeon after a long absence, I see opportunity for us, and for the community as a whole. Sure, we can pull up those old playlists back in, but I think as times change, as communities change composition, we need things like our music to flow with them. Other than in some some group chats here and there, I don’t often see discussion of the importance of inclusivity when building those playlists. When planning music for a larger group of people, I have spent time doing my best to build a list that embraces our whole community.

For those who desire to do that within their own communities, I suggest beginning by reaching out to local members. Ask around – what are their favorite songs for their play-at-home or private play playlists? Are there certain groups of people who don’t attend, or are less represented? Reach out and ask for suggestions specifically from them. Yes, it’s even possible to include music for littles, if you don’t limit yourself to original versions of songs. My final playlist includes a heavy metal cover of Let it Go that thrilled every little in the room, and plenty who weren’t.

When building the list out of a variety of genres, it can be a challenge to put songs in an order that doesn’t sound odd. My approach has been to first listen to every song and get a feel for the tempo and vibe, even if I don’t listen to it in its entirety. Some get cut if they just don’t quite “feel” right with the list. Some I liked but didn’t quite like the feel. Those got searched on youtube until I found remixes or covers that worked with the overall feel we were going for in the dungeon. Others sparked ideas for additions. I put all of the titles that made the cut into an excel spreadsheet and categorized them based on how fast or slow they were and what genre, like – slow techno, fast hard rock, mid tempo r&b, etc.

At that point, I decided on how long I wanted my “flow blocks” to be. Some people want a flow of songs to be three songs, or five songs. I chose nine. I picked the slowest tempo songs from my final cut and placed them directly in the middle of each group of nine that was blocked out on my spreadsheet. I then found the fastest tempo songs and put those on the outside edges of each group. I took the remaining songs and used them as transitions between fast and slow, and chose things that moved well from one to the next. At times I cut entire chunks together and moved them to other flow blocks.

I don’t ever quite see it as finished. I suspect it will be changed and adapted many times. New suggestions will come in and either be rejected or incorporated. Older picks may prove unpopular or just get old and be moved off of the list. I think the most important thing is that my community knows our dungeon is doing its best to give everyone music that makes them feel welcome and comfortable and down for whatever their kink may be.

Scene Safety in Mixed Venue Environments

May 1, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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As time goes on money gets tighter and clubs dedicated to BDSM only are becoming more scarce or harder to get into. As a result, mixed venue environments are being used more often for events, gatherings, and play parties. Mixed venue environments are places which may be kink friendly but are not solely dedicated to BDSM such as swingers clubs, kink friendly bars/nightclubs, or any other place where we can reasonably believe the crowd around where we will be playing comes from differing lifestyles.

There are plenty of safety considerations when deciding on the type of play and setup for a scene in these environments, it all hinges on forethought and preparation. Stand-off distance, equipment choice/availability, crowd movement around the play space, crowd monitoring, and crowd composition are some of the considerations when setting the scene and deciding on the type of scene you will be running.

Playing Where Not Everyone Knows the Etiquette

“People should know to stay out of our way,” is often the attitude of my fellow Lifestylers who are not as accustomed to working in mixed venues. Except a good portion of the crowd will likely not know the safety standards, may be drinking or using other intoxicants, and likely do not understand the needs of the players for unencumbered space for everyone’s safety, including their own. What we often take for granted, others are naïve of.

Recently I attended a kink night at a swingers club. This was a common event once a month (my first time there) and many of the kink players there were not familiar with the space as they had changed the setup of their “dungeon.” What was previously a fairly open and lighted space was now a tight, crowded, poorly lit area. So overcrowded with equipment it restricted players in ways they might not normally have to deal with in a dedicated dungeon. In addition, as aforementioned, there were plenty of intoxicated people around to throw a wrench in the works.

A spanking bench was set up dead center in a 20’ x25’ “dungeon” surrounded by a set of stocks, two St. Andrews Crosses, a medical table, flogging post, and a rather large snake looking things which I have no name for. There were no dungeon monitors to prevent anyone from encroaching on play. Out in another area there were two suspension rigs hanging above the dance floor barely ten feet apart without any cordon around the space to keep people at a distance.

To those who might not know better, it might look like a very cool set up. However, the reality was this space was ripe for someone becoming injured, including bystanders. As a result, players were unable to freely engage in activity without being constantly encroached on; no suspensions happened but plenty of rather loopy people walked up and started using the steel suspension rings like a jungle gym to the chagrin of the two rope tops trying to get something going; and actual scenes were few. But plenty of people brought budget toys to go after each other in manners I would rather not describe. Not a single first aid kit was in sight.

I did speak with the venue owners later in the evening to express my concerns. To their credit, they were more than willing to help make changes in the future to improve both safety and the ability to play. They just did not know what they did not know. Not their fault, but I am surprised no one had taken them aside before and had this conversation.

Before I go farther, I am not blaming anyone. There are a vast number of people entering kink who simply do not know and have not seen what can happen when things go wrong. I am just focusing on what I was able to determine as potential problem areas and try to address how to play safer in similar venues should you choose to attend one.

The new reality for many of us is we must learn to work within the spaces available to us for our kinky gatherings. Whether we like it or not. For some, they are the only spaces available to them.

About Some of the Considerations.

Stand-off distance: Depending on the space available, we may not be able to run a scene with a single-tail or other long implements. How much room is available will drive, partially, the type of toys we may be able to use. Or we may get to where we are setting up and have to change what we have planned. Bring options so you can adjust as needed. We need the length of our implement, plus the length of our arm, plus 18 inches for a minimum safe distance regarding swing path (from where we will be standing, not from the center of the furniture in use). There also needs to be at least four feet around where our bottom will be so no one can reach in and touch them.

If possible, we should border the play space with rope or tape at waist height to create our standoff. If this is not possible, we might have to get creative with how to create the standoff. Or enlist the help of a couple other players to DM for you, and in turn, DM for them to help keep the look-e-loos at bay.

Equipment/Furniture: Whether you bring your own, or the kink furniture is being provided, it all takes up space. Where it is placed within the play space and what angle it is placed can maximize your room available without having to impinge on the rest of the venue. Regardless of what we want, it is not likely the space provided for play will be able to be expanded (indoors) and your choice of implement may need to change accordingly.

Mixed venue spaces are geared more for the social, than they are for play. There may be other impediments such as tables and chairs, a bar, couches etc. which may limit where we can move kink furniture. Coordinating with local management to set up a play space for a limited time may or may not be an option, but it does not hurt to ask.

Crowd Movement Around the Play Space: Pay attention to the major routes of movement around your potential space. Which way are people traveling? Where are they going? Is it a route to essential services such as restrooms, a first aid station, or (chuckles) the bar? If you are able, pick a play space, or set up the play space so people only need to move on one side or another. Again, keep in mind your backswing area and over travel area for certain types of toys.

At one mixed venue club we attend regularly, our group takes over an elevated stage which is just about the right amount of room for a spank bench or horse and enough standoff to conduct flogging. Being bordered on three sides by couches (occupied by our friends) we are able to control the space fairly well.

Crowd Monitoring: We may need not just a Dungeon Monitor but someone to pay attention to what the crowd is doing. Often others in the immediate area will not understand what they are seeing and may try to encroach on the space in one way or another. The DM must have the ability to watch both play and monitor the crowd. In some cases, there may need to be more than one DM for the scene. Regardless, our DM needs to have the understanding that many of the people around them, do not know what is safe, needed, or expected. The ability to keep a cool head and explain things calmly will help greatly.

Crowd Composition: Let’s face it, some of the play we can get into can seem pretty rough, if not actually rough, to the uneducated observer. Edge type play in a mixed venue is probably not a good idea. Knives, hook suspensions, scat, piss, roman showers, blood etc. can get the average Joe or Jane all worked up and upset. Giving consideration to the crowd you will be in front of, can prevent Joe/Jane from having the compelling need to save your bottom from you and putting your DM in a bad position. Not saying you cannot do these and other things, just saying you should think about it first and plan accordingly.

Be Open to Questions: After the scene, when appropriate for you, be willing to answer questions for those who are curious. This is your opportunity to talk about not just the scene, but why things were set up the way they were, etiquette, as well as other points we simply take for granted. Remember, they likely do not know, be kind.

Final Thoughts

We all want to have the safest play possible, have successful events, and forward a good impression of kink, BDSM, and our Lifestyle. A little extra time and planning can help make that happen. How we conduct our play in mixed venues gives us the ability to be good kink ambassadors. We can show through our actions, how we handle onlookers, and answering questions that kink is more than just slapping people around and skull fucking.

There is always a way to have our fun in these environments, we just have to be flexible about it. So go out and get your kink on!

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1

The Fallacy Of Consent Defense

March 7, 2021 By TAC 3 Comments

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But They Said Yes!! – The Fallacy of Consent as a Legal Defense

Consent is a cornerstone of Kink and BDSM. So much so it has been ingrained in how we talk about play since the 80’s when Safe, Sane, and Consensual was coined. But what are we consenting to if we do not really understand all the risks? One of those risks is legal. What are we up against if things go terribly wrong?

If you are the type that is just into a little slap and tickle, you probably have nothing to worry about. But if you are thinking about getting into heavy play, or are playing heavy already, keep reading.

Since BDSM and Kink have come more into the mainstream in the last decade, the light shown on what we do has become immense, and not all of it good. In fact, if you include the Hollywood portrayals of our lifestyle it has been somewhat damaging to the community. Public opinion is still very mixed, and the majority out there still have a limited understanding of BDSM, or worse, completely the wrong idea.

This public attitude toward our lifestyle is reflected in the courts.

What is a Consent Defense?

According to University of Minnesota Law School, a consent defense is when the accused claims they have the consent of the alleged victim. But for it to work, it has to meet several criteria:

Consent was given knowingly and willingly by a person who could legally give it.
In most jurisdictions consent can only work as a defense to a crime in the case of sexual conduct.
The alleged crime does not result in serious bodily injury or death. (definition of serious bodily injury varies by state)

We must be able to claim the person consented, the act was sexual in nature, and it did not result in serious bodily injury. Which might work, if things have not gone horribly wrong, such as broken bones, near asphyxiation, lacerations, heavy bleeding etc. All of which are potential risks for heavy players. Again, risk is the driver here. The bigger the risk you take in play, the more likely things will go badly, and the less likely consent will be a defense you can use.

Will a Consent Defense work for me?

I would not count on it. There have been many legal opinions handed down at the federal level which have all but made the consent defense impossible to use in a case where Kink and BDSM are involved. In the United States harming another person is considered to be a crime, regardless of how the harm came to be. A person cannot legally give their consent to a criminal act.

The notable cases which have gone against consent as a defense date back to the People v. Samuels (1967) in a California case where Martin Samuels after his consent defense was rejected by the court was convicted of assault for participating in a film which included a BDSM scene. (Crim. No. 5577. First Dist., Div. Two. Apr. 28, 1967./ 250 Cal. App. 2d 504). To more recently Doe v. Rector and Visitors to George Mason University where the court ruled there is no constitutional right to engage in BDSM. If that is the case, then there are no legal defenses to it either. In fact, the opinion of the court stated,

“Sexual activity that involves binding and gagging or the use of physical force such as spanking or choking poses certain inherent risks to personal safety not present in more traditional types of sexual activity. Thus, as in Cruzan v. Glucksberg, a legislative restriction on BDSM activity is justifiable by reference to the state’s interest in the protection of vulnerable persons, i.e. sexual partners placed in situations with an elevated risk of harm.

Accordingly, consistent with the logic of Lawrence, plaintiff has no constitutionally protected and judicially enforceable fundamental liberty interest un the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to engage in BDSM activity.” (United States District Court for the Eastern District of Virginia, Alexandria Division, Case No. 1:15-cv-209)

Not only is the court stating you have no constitutional rights pertaining to BDSM, the court asserts a state has the potential ability to restrict it, or even criminalize it if they deem it in the interest of public welfare.

The current trend is not getting better for BDSM legally, at least not on the federal level. Unfortunately, it is case law like this which will be referenced in the future should we find ourselves being tried by a jury of our “peers.”

Marriage and Domestic Partnership can complicate things even more:

We would think being in a loving, trusting union might shield us somewhat. It probably does to some extent as far as our partner is concerned. However, most states in the US can charge someone with domestic abuse regardless of whether the, “victim,” is cooperative or not. Medical providers are mandatory reporters, as well as other professionals, and if they see what they believe to be signs of abuse, they are legally obligated to report them.

Is there light at the end of the legal tunnel?

There has been headway on the legal front. Several states, such as New Jersey, have added laws to their books which may not alleviate criminal charges altogether, but reduce them so the penalties are not as severe. (Everyday Health Is BDSM Legal in US and Other Places, Sept. 19, 2019, Julie Marks)

There are also organizations which are working hard to lobby for more kink friendly laws. However, support for them is limited. (here is my no to subtle pitch) If you care about the lifestyle and kink, get involved with one. It does not have to be out in the open, it could be a five-dollar donation. Small bits of help add up to moving mountains, as long as we all get involved.

What do we do to protect ourselves?

Know the law where you live. If you are going to engage in risky behavior, have an idea of the penalties for it and what the legal downside is. Do some research in your local area to see if there are kink friendly professionals who provide services. Lawyers, doctors, mental health professionals etc. They are much less likely to report something they understand as not being abusive. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (ncsfreedom.org) has populated a database where kink friendly professionals can register. It is not a golden egg, but it is a start.

Refrain from playing intoxicated or impaired. Whether it be a legal, prescribed, or an illegal substance, it does not matter. Our judgment can be severely impaired making safety a serious concern and, legally, we cannot give consent if we are impaired.

For the new or less initiated, do not play with people you do not know well and trust. All it takes is someone you barely know getting their feelings bent out of shape and off they go to show their newly acquired bruises to their favorite law enforcement officer. For the love of Pete…. do not play with random strangers you do not know at all.

Get first aid training. No, it does not cover the big stuff, but you can possibly prevent some small injuries, from becoming serious ones. Marks happen, know wound and welt care to prevent them from becoming a significant injury.

Know what you are doing so you can play as safely as possible. If you are into rope, get yourself to rope classes. If whips excite you, click the red x in the corner of your screen, close Youtube, and find someone in your community who really knows the skills and safety which goes with it. Pick an implement or type of play, the advice is the same. Get real mentorship and/or training from a reputable source. Online is great, but it generally only scratches the surface.

Unless you are a very light player, try not to buy ultra-cheap gear. I have seen more than one submissive get serious splinters from a budget paddle disintegrating on their rear end; a cane end go flying into an audience; or rope lose its bite creating a dangerous constriction.

The last bit of advice is take it slow and have fun. I do not want to scare the pants off everyone, but you should learn the risks, even the legal ones, which go with play. Take your time and learn your craft. In the process you will develop relationships with people you can trust and who trust you.

Oh…. Did I say…HAVE FUN!

Properly Preparing To Play

December 27, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

sexy Domme with whip — via stock.adobe.com

If you have been following my ASK BAADMASTER series here on kinkweekly.com, you might conclude that I am over-covering the pandemic on a kink site. I think I would be remiss in ignoring the pandemic as it has affected the kink community on many levels. For starters, live dungeons have been mostly closed. I would hope the new vaccines are a bright light at the end of a very dark tunnel. So I would like to answer questions that prepare us for the non-covid days ahead. Much will be review; so if your were a BDSM player and have not played for almost a year, you might want to go over aspects of play that you might have forgotten. There is never too much knowledge.

Reader: Recently, my kink group has been discussing what to do if something goes wrong or a pre-existing condition manifests itself during a scene. This kind of safety concern is beyond the usual. But, how can you prepare for any eventuality?

As a general rule, it is impossible to prepare for EVERY eventuality. If I could do this, I would be working for President Biden eliminating terrorism. But seriously… Regarding medical pre-existing conditions — you might open a productive dialogue before your scene, especially between first-time players. Make sure the players are aware of any pre- existing conditions and what its symptoms are so you can stop the scene quicker than usual.
Now onto safe words. Depending solely on safe words is not the end-all and be-all to safety. (Although they are definitely better than anything that comes in second).

The trick to using safe words effectively (and this seemingly obvious bit of advice might be extremely valuable to you) is “simplicity.” Although the standard safe word is “red,” many people try to pick out their own personal safe word. They want style. “Greef” might be a cool safe word between ‘Mandalorean’ fans, but when panic time sets in and the mind starts spinning, these words might not be at the tip of the tongue. “Red” works for stop signs. “Red” works for scening. Use “red.”

I also advocate the use of a safe signal. When you use a ball gag in a scene, the bottom –unless he/she is a ventriloquist — cannot give a safe word. So agree on a safe signal based on what type of scene you are doing. A great one is a shaking of the head continuously left to right — like a “no” signal. This is unmistakable, and does not require the hands, which might be bound. Between safe words and safe signals, you have increased safety a hundred fold.

Most BDSM writers always talk about a “safe call.” In this case the old expression –“after all is said and done, more is said than done” — is applicable. Most people never use the safe call procedure. But if used properly, safe calls are really good tools. In this age of the cell phone, it is really easy to have someone standing by waiting for your call to see if all is well – and to arrange for any contingency plans should help be required.
Another safety key is…not playing with unsafe players! Sometimes there are players who have gained a reputation for being unsafe; most times these reputations — if they are widespread and repeated by respected members of the community — have some basis in fact. Stay away. But there are other red flags. When playing for the first time, a big red flag is when the Top says, “I never allow a safe word.” They might rationalize it by saying something like, “I am into TPE and do not believe in safe words.” Well, many in TPE relationships do eschew the safe word. But this only happens after a relationship is established; eliminating the safe word is generally negotiated after playing for awhile. Anyone who says “no safe words” right out of the box really hasn’t got a clue.

As for the scene itself, the oft-repeated advice of planning a scene in advance will add to the safety of it. Some scenes are pretty safe in and of themselves — an interrogation scene, for example. Others — such as mummification or breath play — are much more dangerous. Make sure the skill level of the Dominant (as he/she is in control) matches the danger quotient (D.Q.) of the scene being attempted. If you notice, I would rather head off problems before they arise. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” also applies in BDSM play.

If you have extra time on your hands, I have written a companion piece on safety on this site: https://www.kinkweekly.com/?s=safe+words Play safe when you return to play! And if you have not played in a while, there is nothing wrong in going over safety essentials (as in “Don’t forget aftercare”) before you re-visit your favorite dungeon!

Keeping Our Community Saf-er During the Pandemic

December 5, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 3 Comments

lesbian collar bdsm play — via stock.adobe.com

These are unprecedented times indeed. Regardless of where people stand in regards to the pandemic itself, one thing we should be able to agree on is the impact it is having on our kink communities. Individuals are struggling with finances, and dungeons who rent or own space are likely struggling to maintain the financial commitment for these spaces without large events funding them.

I have been peripherally involved with some local efforts to create safer ways to restart events, though most of the credit for the hard work of researching and implementing has to go to the local dungeon owner here. The strategies we’ve adopted here may be helpful to others who are looking for ways to kink outside of their homes in safer ways, or who are struggling to maintain their spaces.

Handle Immediate Financial Need

Our first step was mid-May/June when we realized this was going to seriously impact whether or not our dungeon would still be in existence when all of this does finally resume some semblance of normality. We opened a Go Fund Me and dropped the link in our local community space. It was truly humbling to to watch people respond with an outpouring of support in the midst of feeling powerless. Every single donation was appreciated and we raised enough to maintain the rental space through the end of 2020 in that opening drive.

Some of that money went to upgrading the space in ways to make it safer, such as hand sanitizer units, a digital thermometer, a heavy duty sprayer to clean with, and a plexiglass shield for the check-in area. The rest went to keeping the rent current until virus urgency level started to recede in our region. Plans began being made for what we affectionately refer to as LAT parties, or limited attendance and time.

Once we felt safe enough, we rolled out the plan and gave community members opportunities to discuss and make suggestions before any implementation. The owner consulted local experts in the medical field and in engineering and sanitization at every step. He has made transparency his goal, from the way the money is spent, to what all of his procedures are. That transparency has helped people feel safer attending events, since it means they know exactly what to expect.

Opening the Dungeon Again

For indoor events, such as any rope classes or dungeon events there is a clear procedure. Tickets are purchased in advance through Square, which allows an individual to keep their anonymity and credit card information safe, but allows for a comment to be dropped with the user’s scene name so the dungeon knows who will be attending. Attendance is limited to ten individuals, since that was the recommendation as of the time of planning. Any new attendees are sent the membership form and covid waiver that discusses the recommendations for how to handle contact tracing in the event of any incidents (don’t mention fight club, if it is necessary, please contact dungeon owner and he can let others know they need to go for testing). Leading to the door, waiting spots are marked six feet apart. People can peek in the window to see if the prior group is clear of the entryway before entering. Masks are absolutely required while people area present in the building.

Upon entering, guests have a touchless hand sanitizer unit immediately to their right, and are expected to use it prior to moving into the space. They are then greeted and announce their name for verification on the list and to confirm they returned their forms. Stepping forward, the person manning the plexiglass enclosure can remain behind it while reaching around to digitally check the temperatures of each attendee. The CDC states that a reading of 100.4 constitutes a fever, so anyone with a reading there or above is asked to leave (though that has not happened to date). Attendees are then expected to leave the entryway and go down the hallway to the dungeon area.

The dungeon area has been modified from its pre-covid layout. The setup was workable before to allow for whip space between furniture, but has been adjusted to take half of the furniture temporarily out of commission. Those pieces have been turned around or otherwise adjusted so that it clear they are not for use. With a maximum of five couples having scenes at one time, there are a few more pieces available than people, which allow for some equipment choices.

Individuals are permitted to allot their time however they please. They can watch others scenes, they can socialize, or they can choose to indulge in their own scenes. As their time slot nears to a close, a ten minute warning is announced to allow people to wrap up scenes and pack their gear. Once everyone is out, the owner dons protective gear and thoroughly disinfects the entire space with a spray that should not be touched or inhaled, and then clears out for a minimum of twenty minutes, as recommended for usage of that chemical. The sessions are scheduled in two hour blocks with a thirty minute window for cleaning between them.

Because people have freedom to purchase tickets, but they are limited to 10 available ones, a group looking to make sure they are only sharing space with one anther can purchase the entire block of ten when dates and times are released and basically have a private event. For those with immunocompromised partners, that option can be sanity-saving.

Restarting Vendor Events

Because vendor events typically have more of a revolving door type atmosphere, we struggled some with finding the right balance of safety in order to comfortably begin holding those again. For vendors of kink gear and implements, some of them are truly hurting right now after ten months of few to no options when it comes to in-person events. Often, those in-person events tend to be hugely important for clientele, particularly newer community members who may not know what to expect in regards to appearance or quality of offerings. Being able to see and touch items is a vital part of their education, and a piece that has been noticeably absent this year.

We decided to hold our events outdoors, and to require masks. We release an informational document with safety info at the time of advertising these events. We are clear that face shields may not be used as a substitute for masks, due to the most recent research available. Additionally, we hold it in the dungeon’s gated lot so we can limit attendance to two individuals per vendor, and do thermometer checks. We have a security person and someone handling an outdoor handwashing station, stocked by a local soapmaker. Additionally, each vendor has a bottle of hand sanitizer on their table and requires people to use it prior to making contact with any merchandise.

Vendors occupy parking spaces to make things simple. Ones with larger vehicles (vans mostly) park next to the gate to block the view of anyone walking past. They set up tables in the parking spot directly next to their vehicle and are able to space it as they like. Some bring canopies. By alternating car – vendor – car – vendor, we are able to space vendors out nine feet plus add a blockade of the vendor’s car. Vendors remain masked for the duration of the event. One person or germ group may shop a given vendor at a time. A second may wait six feet distant until that group has finished. Additional interested shoppers must browse elsewhere or wait outside of the gate, physically distanced. We encourage anyone who wants to crack a whip to briefly step inside, but other than that and brief bathroom visits, the event is able to operate fully outdoors.

Our first event went well. We didn’t have a high number of attendees, but the ones who came clearly had full intention to purchase from our local people. All the vendors felt satisfied that they were safe and also able to accommodate shoppers. Vending fees are minimal and go directly to the dungeon to help make sure it continues to operate as we move forward.

Neither event is perfect. They don’t have huge attendance. Some people are unwilling to use masks during play and choose not to attend the dungeon events. Some are unwilling to wear them outdoors and choose not to attend the vendor events. Others feel both events are still beyond their risk profile and also choose not to attend. We support their choices either way, but have to move forward in ways that provide the highest level of comfort and safety to the highest percentage of our kink community’s population. As things change, we are doing our best to change with them.

Do you have any additional safety measures your community is taking? Feel free to let us know in the comments.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Changing Safewords

April 3, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

So the rule of thumb is typically that it’s better to stick with the more widely known Safewords. In Southern California we use the “traffic light” safewords of green, yellow, and red. It may or may not be different in different parts of the country or internationally – however, since I didn’t research that I won’t presume to know.

First I will explain what (basically) these safewords mean in case any readers are newer to the scene. Green means the bottom is enjoying what’s happening. Now, you don’t hear “green” very often because typically if a bottom is really enjoying themselves they are just in the moment and perhaps all that’s coming out of their mouth are pleasurable moans, screams, etc. Red means the Top needs to stop whatever they are doing and check in with the bottom. It may mean there is one aspect of the scene that needs to stop or that the entire scene needs to end. Yellow has a more flexible meaning. To some it may mean don’t stop and check in – just lighten up on what you’re doing or switch to doing something else or use a different implement. It could, however, mean to others that they want a verbal check in from their Top – although they aren’t in as much distress as if they call red.

Now the reason I typically don’t recommend changing the safewords you use is for two reasons. One – if you keep changing them it will be harder to remember them in the moment you may need to use them. Two – if you are playing in a public play space then the DMs (Dungeon Monitors) will know what words to listen for in case they need to step in.
So let’s discuss the only time I suggest changing your safewords. Let me say first – if you decide to change them you NEED to let the DMs know and maybe even a few more people who may be around for your scene. If you call one and your Top doesn’t stop, you have people around who will know that and can step in if you need help.

Ok, so, in the 7ish years I have been playing I have only changed my safewords twice. Both for scenes that leaned heavily on role-play. In my case, interrogation role-play. The reason they were changed was to be able to call safewords while still staying in character and using words or techniques to maintain the scene itself.

Both scenes involved my Top trying to get information out of me. In both cases we also had several other people involved in the scene to various degrees of involvement. In one scene she was trying to extract a location. In this case we had one other person who was the only other person (besides me) that knew the “location” who was not directly involved in the physical aspects of the scene but was there the whole time. When I would “give in” and state a location, my Top would verify with the other person. If she stated that was not the location then the scene continued, however, the check in gave me a little break and also represented my “yellow”. If I gave a location and it checked out – that was my “red” and indicated that the scene was over. Basically that the interrogation “broke me”.
In the other example my Top was trying to get a “secret code” out of me. In this case I would give a password for my email. (Yes this was someone I was in a relationship with and trusted.) If I needed to “call yellow”, aka needed a break, I would give the wrong password. It gave me a few minutes while she attempted to use her phone to open my email. However, when I was ready to end the scene (aka red) I gave the correct password. Once she could open my email she knew I was calling the scene.

Yes I changed my password the next day.

I hope these examples made sense. If not, feel free to comment below with questions. The bottom line is that it’s better to stick to the universally recognized safewords. Only change them if you feel it will otherwise be a detriment to the scene and always make sure the DMs or others around you know what’s up.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

A PSA on Safe words: RED to safe word shaming

July 5, 2016 By Sir Gear 5 Comments

So lately I have been hearing about, reading about, and having people I play with suffer from safe word shaming. Briefly, for those of you newbies out there, safe BDSM play involves the incorporation of calling “yellow” or “red” when you have reached your threshold of pain, tolerance or discomfort or to check in with your Dom/Top.

I think safe word shaming is bull shit. Plain and simple.

A friend that I have never played with before said yellow in the middle of a scene recently. Like any good player, I stopped and checked in. She told me what was wrong and we fixed it. Done and done, no harm no foul. We continued to play and at the end during our aftercare she apologized for calling yellow during the scene and held me tighter. I was blown away by this and told her never to be sorry for that.

A safe word does not make you weak at all. It makes me know, as a Dom, that you are a safe player who is smart enough to not want to be broken. Safe words were invented so that players could let their partner know that something was wrong during a scene. I am not sure where this whole thing of shaming a safe word came from, but I think it’s foolish for people to succumb to such thinking.

A sub needs to be able to communicate that something is wrong during a scene. If the cuff is too tight and your hand is going numb, let me know. If your butt can’t take anymore punishment and I need to stop or move to another spot, let me know. If you feel like you can’t take any more and you’re done, LET ME KNOW.

On the other side of the coin a Dom should NEVER take a safe word away from you, especially if you are a newbie. There is a mentality in some circles of, “I have been doing this for years so I know what I am doing. We don’t need a safe word.” Bull shit and RED TO THAT! A Dom you just met will not know anything about playing with you. They will not know anything about emotional triggers or hard limits that you may not have thought about. Doms are not mind readers! No amount of negotiating will prepare you for everything that can happen during play.

Lastly if a Dom makes fun of you or holds it against you for calling a safe word during a scene…. RUN! THAT DOM IS A DICK! (and most likely an unsafe player). In closing to my public service announcement, I will say that safe words are a critical tool to play in any sort of scene. Don’t be afraid to use it because and smart Dom will respect you more for using it when needed. If anyone makes fun of you for using a safe word, they are not worth your time.

So now that my rant is done, what’s your safe word? The best one I have ever heard, because it made the ENTIRE dungeon stop, was “Peanut Butter Jelly Time!” Let us know if you have a better one in the comments.

Sir Gear has been an active member of the local Los Angeles BDSM scene since 2009. In that time he has become a member of House RavynBlood and the student of Master Gabriel. Sir Gear is the promoter of Club THIRST out of Sanctuary LAX and is best known as his character, The Reverend, that has been featured at the AVN Expo, DomCon and even the Ice House Comedy Club in Pasadena.

Follow him on social media as JordanTheComic or here.

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