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Consent is key! Respecting boundaries for ourselves and others is paramount!
With this being said, check out this informative video by the fabulous Evie Lupine!
There are many commonalities in the kink community. As hard as it is to admit, many of us have a history of trauma. Though the causes vary, they impact our interactions in BDSM heavily. So we are going to explore what you can do if you need to renegotiate or build a scene after recent trauma.
Trauma is defined as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.”
This is a broad definition. We often equate trauma to incidents that result in physical injuries or abuse. But trauma can be anything. Trauma can happen as a result of a death in the family, stress from work or family, near death experiences, abuse, accidents, and mental health imbalances. This is, by no means, a comprehensive list.
For example, due to repeated deaths in my family in a short period of time, and a couple of traumatic experiences from when I was a teenager, I deal with the effects of PTSD. My brain just sort of short circuits at times. On an average day, it does not affect me much because I have learned to cope with it. However, when I delve into play, the closer I get to sub space, the less control I have in my head. Sometimes, that means disassociation. Sometimes it is moments of extreme panic or fear.
Outside of play, and regardless of the control you have over your mental health, your trauma does influence all aspects of your life. It can change the route you take home from work or where you work. It can change how you sleep or whether the light stays on at night. It can affect how you talk and who you talk to.
In kink, and often as a result of trauma, many suffer the effects of PTSD, severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, fear of men/women, nightmares/ Night terrors, and more. Some people lose their sense of self and their independence.
Some seek help. Some don’t. Some find relief in a bottle and some in pills. Some never sleep and some only sleep. Some learn to cope, and some don’t. Some move on and some don’t. Some give up and some don’t.
It is an individual experience and recovery.
As mentioned previously, you don’t need to look hard to find a lot of trauma survivors in BDSM and Kink. We all have our own reasons for delving into kink and dealing with our mental health.
Some use kink to reclaim their independence. It allows them to reclaim the moments they felt helpless and take back control. Some use kink for coping.
And, for some, they attempt to keep their trauma and their kink separate.
I do not personally believe the last statement is possible. Even the most careful of individuals can be triggered unintentionally. Because of this, it is important to figure out how to renegotiate and build a scene after trauma, to meet the needs of both yourself and your partner(s).
The steps below are built on the premise that you were involved in kink prior to the traumatic event.
Step 1: Be honest (to yourself and your partner) about your mental and physical state.
As much as we would love to pretend the trauma has never happened, it did. You and your partner need to accept that. You also need to clearly state your current needs. Do not allow yourself or your partner to assume that your wants, needs, and desires are the same as they were prior to the traumatic event.
Step 2: Negotiate with what you can do, not what you can’t
Feeling powerless is common with trauma. You may find yourself hesitant or even fearful of things you consider to be “simple.” There is no shame in doing what is best for you. If you cannot handle hugs any longer, or need someone to ask ahead of doing so, be clear in those expectations. Because there may be so many more things that you cannot do/have done as before, it is important to not lose yourself in what you “cannot do.” Instead of negotiating with your partner about what is off-limits, change the parameters.
“I would like you to do X, but I need you to keep eye contact with me.”
“I would like to feel your weight on me, but without restraint.”
“I need you to use my name when you talk to me. Please speak clearly so I know it is you.”
“I need skin to skin contact and I need you to stay above the waist.”
“I want to be flogged with my shirt on.”
Any of these options are considered green behaviors for this individual. It states what you wish to do and how it needs to be done to minimize triggering.
Step 3: Watch for frenzy. It can happen after long bouts of inactivity, not just to people new to the lifestyle.
Sometimes we remove ourselves from kink all together when trauma occurs. When we feel strong enough to get back into the scene, it is easy to lose yourself into frenzy. The feelings that you had thought forgotten come rushing back, and with it, so does the desire to get back into everything.
Watching for frenzy also means watching for extreme drop. We, as people, like to believe that we will always be able to do everything at the level we currently do it. Maybe, prior to your break, you could take an hour long beating with a cane. Most likely, after that break, you will not be able to. To play safely, it is better to start as though you are new and gauge your tolerance from there. But it can be a blow to both your ego and your self-esteem to “feel less than” we once were. Tolerance can be relearned. Pushing too fast, though, can reignite the trauma responses that required the break in the first place.
Step 4: If needed, write down the negotiation. This way you can review it and revisit it before play, if needed.
I am not suggesting a contract. I am suggesting more of a journaling exercise. Write down where you want to start, your goals, and your reactions to things as they occur.
This includes determining who will be involved in the scene, participating or watching? What will happen? What is your safeword? What are the boundaries? Are the scene boundaries different than your everyday ones? Do you have a panic option if your safeword becomes unuseable?
What happens though if the trauma happens during kink? Or if it happens with your current partner? Does that change how we renegotiate or build a scene?
In my mind, it does.
Trust is paramount in a dynamic. When that trust wavers, it can make kink so much more dangerous. For example, you can lose the comfort and confidence needed to safeword. As much as most Dominants seem like mind-readers, they are not. They need to know their partner will 22speak up when necessary, to prevent hurting the submissive.
Below, I have an altered set of steps to help guide the reestablishment of boundaries and the renegotiation of terms in an existing dynamic.
Step 1: Make sure you are both emotionally recovered enough to discuss logically.
Was the trauma caused by yourself? Your partner? Did it happen during a scene? Was the trauma an accident, miscommunication, or malicious? Is it unrelated?
These are important questions to ask yourself. Trauma that is unrelated may be easier to navigate with a partner than something caused by them. The same goes for the intention behind what happened.
Accidents and miscommunication happen in scenes. My first scene with Master was at a public party as pick-up play. I thought we had negotiated a flogging. Turns out, he was under the impression we negotiated an impact scene that involved floggers. In this instance, it turned out to be a beneficial miscommunication.
Later on, in our relationship, we did impact play at a party and a couple hours later we tried fire play. Turns out, even a light flogging (one that doesn’t leave marks) can weaken the skin enough that fire play can burn (when it otherwise would not). Technically, I was injured because my skin was burned. It was a small crescent shaped mark and for me, was a plausible outcome to the risky stuff we engage in. In this example, neither instance impacted my trust in Master. But, I have seen similar instances that have traumatized submissives and made them very skittish.
Step 2: Read through the current rules, together, and discuss their meaning.
When we first begin in kink, there are often a set of rules that we put in place to set the boundaries of our dynamics. Over time, those can change or evolve.
Due to personal issues with food in my past, one of my rules is that I must eat 3 times a day (or six tiny meals to help with my diabetes). When my dad died last year, I couldn’t bring myself to eat through my grief. But I had to, because it was a rule. I essentially made myself extremely sick. So, I had to reach out to Master and ask for an amendment. The rule adjusted to eating 2 times per day and I could use a meal replacement shake if needed.
We were not discarding everything that we had set forth, but we were adjusting them as needed to make sure I was ok.
Step 3: Recognize if any of the current rules contributed to the trauma.
**The rules I use as an example below are just rules that I have had mentioned to me by other submissives that have encountered issues. I have a personal belief that as long as rules are consensual, then they can be anything the Dominant and the submissive wish**
Some rules can add to the negative headspace left by trauma. For example, some dynamics have a rule that issues will be discussed once a month during a free chat. This could lead a submissive to believe they cannot speak up when needed.
Another example is a rule that does not allow safewording during a punishment. Is this something that foster’s fear in the submissive? Can this lead to triggering during a punishment without recourse to remove themself from the situation?
Step 4: Remove or adjust any rule that has impacted either the D-type or s-type’s state of mind.
Step 5: Keep the number of rules manageable. Trauma impacts the mental and physical states. If you are still recovering, having too many rules can make you feel like a failure and having too few can maximize your feelings of not being wanted or useful.
Step 6: Make a plan to maintain the healthy mindset. Whether this is through therapy, medication, maintenance discipline, etc. Recovering from trauma is fluid. It does not just stop and get cured.
Ultimately, you are stronger than your trauma. No one will know your reactions better than you. There is no right or wrong answer in your decisions, kink related or not. Your kink goes at the speed that you determine is best. Never let anyone try to force you to change.
Lastly, as cruel as it sounds, your trauma is your trauma. Just as you have the right to play at your discretion and pace, others have the right to choose not to play with you. This is not a reflection on either person’s character. Some people are not willing or able to deal with the aftereffects of trauma. This is their right.
When you vet a new partner, or renegotiate with an old partner, Be honest, clear in your expectations, and open about your mental health.
My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.
Even as some states are lifting lockdown restrictions, there are some digital aspects of the pandemic I hope stick around. Telegram has been an awesome way to connect my local community, and this time has spawned a web of chat rooms with a variety of subject focuses, as well as chats for various local groups to just talk about their day or discuss random kink topics. Additionally, while there is no substitute for trying things in person, I have attended some truly excellent kink educational events via Zoom over the past year. For classes ranging from consent and negotiations to first aid for BDSM, all the way to a class on face needles, the Zoom camera gave me access to a much better view of some of the up-close details I wasn’t often able to see when attending class in a dungeon. Additionally, it has meant I could attend classes held in other communities with the click of a button, despite being hundreds of miles away.
Unfortunately, these new accounts and technological connections also give additional opportunities for kinksters to slip up and disclose more personal information than intended. My goal is to help walk y’all through some small privacy precautions that will hopefully keep you from flashing full names to the kink world at large.
I often see newcomers join Telegram making a couple of key mistakes. The first is using their name rather than choosing a screen name. The “name” option is your display name, not the @tag people will use to search you. If you plan to use it for vanilla purposes, you can choose something innocuous. If not, I suggest disabling search functions so contacts in your phone who are already users of Telegram or who join later won’t run across your kinky self chatting up a storm.
So here’s how. Under settings, go to the “privacy and security” tab. Under phone number, check “Nobody” can see you and only people you add to Telegram as contacts can search you that way. Under the main tab, turn off the function to sync contacts from your phone, as well as the one to suggest frequent contacts. I also advise selecting the option to delete already synced contacts if it has done this without you realizing it. For phones, you can edit your display name by clicking the three dots on an Android phone. Choose a display name that isn’t your vanilla first and last name. As an additional suggestion, consider listing your preferred pronouns.
For Zoom, prior to joining a meeting, make sure any identifying information you don’t want to share is edited first. To change your display name from your full legal name, go to the “My Account” tab. Click on “edit” and change your name. IMPORTANT: Don’t forget to change it back. My family knows what I do for a living and wouldn’t blink an eye if I joined a chat as Christmas bunny, but if my fet name were 69slutpuddle69, I suspect my family might have something to say. My employer might have even more to say.
Alternatively, have a separate kink email address and Zoom account that you log into for kink events. Again, don’t forget to log out, or just make sure not to click the check box asking if you want to stay logged in. It requires thought and consideration to protect yourself digitally. While mistakes can happen, it is important to be deliberate and careful if you want to avoid accidentally outing yourself.
When I host Zoom events for kinksters, I always watch the waiting room tab so that if someone forgets, I can edit their name for them to an innocuous first initial. You can usually edit your own name during a Zoom meeting my clicking on the three options dots on the right hand corner of your own video screen, or through the participants window when it is pulled up.
Unfortunately, not everyone who hosts a meeting will have experience doing so, and the delay in response time means more minutes passing with your full name exposed to people you didn’t intend to share that with.
Please, please, please take the time to learn how to be safer online, whether or not these digital mediums continue to flourish in the future.
Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.
Some people seem to think that the job of the safe caller is not all that important. “It’s just what you would normally do, letting someone know where you are” is an attitude I’ve recently seen.
That is wrong. Painfully wrong. Dangerously wrong.
The purpose of a safe caller isn’t just so someone knows where you are; the other person knows you have back up; or to calm your nerves while waiting.
Yes, those may be aspects of the job. I’ve been all three of those things, because the safe caller is whatever the person going to the meeting needs them to be. Most of the time, those things are all that is needed.
The ultimate purpose of a safe caller, however, is to call the police to rescue your ass if shit goes sideways.
I know a great many wonderful people. I would not, however, pick the biggest flake to be my safe caller. Or the one I know is not good under pressure or in emergency situations. If I wouldn’t trust them to watch a puppy for the weekend, I’m not going to trust them with my life.
In fact, I have asked someone with whom I wasn’t particularly friends, because I knew she’d do the job well if shit went bad on me.
The person you select must be calm in the midst of crisis. They must be confident when speaking to authority figures, and even a little pushy about getting their point across. They must know how to efficiently give the facts without paragraphs of unnecessary information.
They must be capable of dealing effectively with 911 personnel to convey your location and the situation and get help to you as quickly as possible.
It doesn’t have to be a ten point plan, but the use of a code word can be very helpful. Say the code word is deuces. You say “Is everything deuces?” If the person on the date repeats the word back to you “Yeah, it’s totally deuces!”, shit’s gone bad and they need help. If they don’t use the word “Yeah, everything is great”, all is well.
This is a serious job.
They must not hesitate to make that call if the code word is used.
They must not fail you.
Anyone will do if you’re a little nervous waiting for the other person to arrive and are texting to fill the time.
We are talking about your personal safety. If they’re not ready, willing, and capable of calling 911 for you, should it go bad, then that person is not a safe caller.
In case you do not know…
To call 911 in a city not your own, you must know the area code for the person’s location.
Dial 1- (area code) – 911
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for over 30 years in private and more than 12 years in public venues.
She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2
You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor
She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.
But They Said Yes!! – The Fallacy of Consent as a Legal Defense
Consent is a cornerstone of Kink and BDSM. So much so it has been ingrained in how we talk about play since the 80’s when Safe, Sane, and Consensual was coined. But what are we consenting to if we do not really understand all the risks? One of those risks is legal. What are we up against if things go terribly wrong?
If you are the type that is just into a little slap and tickle, you probably have nothing to worry about. But if you are thinking about getting into heavy play, or are playing heavy already, keep reading.
Since BDSM and Kink have come more into the mainstream in the last decade, the light shown on what we do has become immense, and not all of it good. In fact, if you include the Hollywood portrayals of our lifestyle it has been somewhat damaging to the community. Public opinion is still very mixed, and the majority out there still have a limited understanding of BDSM, or worse, completely the wrong idea.
This public attitude toward our lifestyle is reflected in the courts.
What is a Consent Defense?
According to University of Minnesota Law School, a consent defense is when the accused claims they have the consent of the alleged victim. But for it to work, it has to meet several criteria:
We must be able to claim the person consented, the act was sexual in nature, and it did not result in serious bodily injury. Which might work, if things have not gone horribly wrong, such as broken bones, near asphyxiation, lacerations, heavy bleeding etc. All of which are potential risks for heavy players. Again, risk is the driver here. The bigger the risk you take in play, the more likely things will go badly, and the less likely consent will be a defense you can use.
Will a Consent Defense work for me?
I would not count on it. There have been many legal opinions handed down at the federal level which have all but made the consent defense impossible to use in a case where Kink and BDSM are involved. In the United States harming another person is considered to be a crime, regardless of how the harm came to be. A person cannot legally give their consent to a criminal act.
The notable cases which have gone against consent as a defense date back to the People v. Samuels (1967) in a California case where Martin Samuels after his consent defense was rejected by the court was convicted of assault for participating in a film which included a BDSM scene. (Crim. No. 5577. First Dist., Div. Two. Apr. 28, 1967./ 250 Cal. App. 2d 504). To more recently Doe v. Rector and Visitors to George Mason University where the court ruled there is no constitutional right to engage in BDSM. If that is the case, then there are no legal defenses to it either. In fact, the opinion of the court stated,
“Sexual activity that involves binding and gagging or the use of physical force such as spanking or choking poses certain inherent risks to personal safety not present in more traditional types of sexual activity. Thus, as in Cruzan v. Glucksberg, a legislative restriction on BDSM activity is justifiable by reference to the state’s interest in the protection of vulnerable persons, i.e. sexual partners placed in situations with an elevated risk of harm.
Accordingly, consistent with the logic of Lawrence, plaintiff has no constitutionally protected and judicially enforceable fundamental liberty interest un the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to engage in BDSM activity.” (United States District Court for the Eastern District of Virginia, Alexandria Division, Case No. 1:15-cv-209)
Not only is the court stating you have no constitutional rights pertaining to BDSM, the court asserts a state has the potential ability to restrict it, or even criminalize it if they deem it in the interest of public welfare.
The current trend is not getting better for BDSM legally, at least not on the federal level. Unfortunately, it is case law like this which will be referenced in the future should we find ourselves being tried by a jury of our “peers.”
Marriage and Domestic Partnership can complicate things even more:
We would think being in a loving, trusting union might shield us somewhat. It probably does to some extent as far as our partner is concerned. However, most states in the US can charge someone with domestic abuse regardless of whether the, “victim,” is cooperative or not. Medical providers are mandatory reporters, as well as other professionals, and if they see what they believe to be signs of abuse, they are legally obligated to report them.
Is there light at the end of the legal tunnel?
There has been headway on the legal front. Several states, such as New Jersey, have added laws to their books which may not alleviate criminal charges altogether, but reduce them so the penalties are not as severe. (Everyday Health Is BDSM Legal in US and Other Places, Sept. 19, 2019, Julie Marks)
There are also organizations which are working hard to lobby for more kink friendly laws. However, support for them is limited. (here is my no to subtle pitch) If you care about the lifestyle and kink, get involved with one. It does not have to be out in the open, it could be a five-dollar donation. Small bits of help add up to moving mountains, as long as we all get involved.
What do we do to protect ourselves?
Know the law where you live. If you are going to engage in risky behavior, have an idea of the penalties for it and what the legal downside is. Do some research in your local area to see if there are kink friendly professionals who provide services. Lawyers, doctors, mental health professionals etc. They are much less likely to report something they understand as not being abusive. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (ncsfreedom.org) has populated a database where kink friendly professionals can register. It is not a golden egg, but it is a start.
Refrain from playing intoxicated or impaired. Whether it be a legal, prescribed, or an illegal substance, it does not matter. Our judgment can be severely impaired making safety a serious concern and, legally, we cannot give consent if we are impaired.
For the new or less initiated, do not play with people you do not know well and trust. All it takes is someone you barely know getting their feelings bent out of shape and off they go to show their newly acquired bruises to their favorite law enforcement officer. For the love of Pete…. do not play with random strangers you do not know at all.
Get first aid training. No, it does not cover the big stuff, but you can possibly prevent some small injuries, from becoming serious ones. Marks happen, know wound and welt care to prevent them from becoming a significant injury.
Know what you are doing so you can play as safely as possible. If you are into rope, get yourself to rope classes. If whips excite you, click the red x in the corner of your screen, close Youtube, and find someone in your community who really knows the skills and safety which goes with it. Pick an implement or type of play, the advice is the same. Get real mentorship and/or training from a reputable source. Online is great, but it generally only scratches the surface.
Unless you are a very light player, try not to buy ultra-cheap gear. I have seen more than one submissive get serious splinters from a budget paddle disintegrating on their rear end; a cane end go flying into an audience; or rope lose its bite creating a dangerous constriction.
The last bit of advice is take it slow and have fun. I do not want to scare the pants off everyone, but you should learn the risks, even the legal ones, which go with play. Take your time and learn your craft. In the process you will develop relationships with people you can trust and who trust you.
Oh…. Did I say…HAVE FUN!
TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1.
If you have been following my ASK BAADMASTER series here on kinkweekly.com, you might conclude that I am over-covering the pandemic on a kink site. I think I would be remiss in ignoring the pandemic as it has affected the kink community on many levels. For starters, live dungeons have been mostly closed. I would hope the new vaccines are a bright light at the end of a very dark tunnel. So I would like to answer questions that prepare us for the non-covid days ahead. Much will be review; so if your were a BDSM player and have not played for almost a year, you might want to go over aspects of play that you might have forgotten. There is never too much knowledge.
Reader: Recently, my kink group has been discussing what to do if something goes wrong or a pre-existing condition manifests itself during a scene. This kind of safety concern is beyond the usual. But, how can you prepare for any eventuality?
As a general rule, it is impossible to prepare for EVERY eventuality. If I could do this, I would be working for President Biden eliminating terrorism. But seriously… Regarding medical pre-existing conditions — you might open a productive dialogue before your scene, especially between first-time players. Make sure the players are aware of any pre- existing conditions and what its symptoms are so you can stop the scene quicker than usual.
Now onto safe words. Depending solely on safe words is not the end-all and be-all to safety. (Although they are definitely better than anything that comes in second).
The trick to using safe words effectively (and this seemingly obvious bit of advice might be extremely valuable to you) is “simplicity.” Although the standard safe word is “red,” many people try to pick out their own personal safe word. They want style. “Greef” might be a cool safe word between ‘Mandalorean’ fans, but when panic time sets in and the mind starts spinning, these words might not be at the tip of the tongue. “Red” works for stop signs. “Red” works for scening. Use “red.”
I also advocate the use of a safe signal. When you use a ball gag in a scene, the bottom –unless he/she is a ventriloquist — cannot give a safe word. So agree on a safe signal based on what type of scene you are doing. A great one is a shaking of the head continuously left to right — like a “no” signal. This is unmistakable, and does not require the hands, which might be bound. Between safe words and safe signals, you have increased safety a hundred fold.
Most BDSM writers always talk about a “safe call.” In this case the old expression –“after all is said and done, more is said than done” — is applicable. Most people never use the safe call procedure. But if used properly, safe calls are really good tools. In this age of the cell phone, it is really easy to have someone standing by waiting for your call to see if all is well – and to arrange for any contingency plans should help be required.
Another safety key is…not playing with unsafe players! Sometimes there are players who have gained a reputation for being unsafe; most times these reputations — if they are widespread and repeated by respected members of the community — have some basis in fact. Stay away. But there are other red flags. When playing for the first time, a big red flag is when the Top says, “I never allow a safe word.” They might rationalize it by saying something like, “I am into TPE and do not believe in safe words.” Well, many in TPE relationships do eschew the safe word. But this only happens after a relationship is established; eliminating the safe word is generally negotiated after playing for awhile. Anyone who says “no safe words” right out of the box really hasn’t got a clue.
As for the scene itself, the oft-repeated advice of planning a scene in advance will add to the safety of it. Some scenes are pretty safe in and of themselves — an interrogation scene, for example. Others — such as mummification or breath play — are much more dangerous. Make sure the skill level of the Dominant (as he/she is in control) matches the danger quotient (D.Q.) of the scene being attempted. If you notice, I would rather head off problems before they arise. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” also applies in BDSM play.
If you have extra time on your hands, I have written a companion piece on safety on this site: https://www.kinkweekly.com/?s=safe+words Play safe when you return to play! And if you have not played in a while, there is nothing wrong in going over safety essentials (as in “Don’t forget aftercare”) before you re-visit your favorite dungeon!
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
These are unprecedented times indeed. Regardless of where people stand in regards to the pandemic itself, one thing we should be able to agree on is the impact it is having on our kink communities. Individuals are struggling with finances, and dungeons who rent or own space are likely struggling to maintain the financial commitment for these spaces without large events funding them.
I have been peripherally involved with some local efforts to create safer ways to restart events, though most of the credit for the hard work of researching and implementing has to go to the local dungeon owner here. The strategies we’ve adopted here may be helpful to others who are looking for ways to kink outside of their homes in safer ways, or who are struggling to maintain their spaces.
Handle Immediate Financial Need
Our first step was mid-May/June when we realized this was going to seriously impact whether or not our dungeon would still be in existence when all of this does finally resume some semblance of normality. We opened a Go Fund Me and dropped the link in our local community space. It was truly humbling to to watch people respond with an outpouring of support in the midst of feeling powerless. Every single donation was appreciated and we raised enough to maintain the rental space through the end of 2020 in that opening drive.
Some of that money went to upgrading the space in ways to make it safer, such as hand sanitizer units, a digital thermometer, a heavy duty sprayer to clean with, and a plexiglass shield for the check-in area. The rest went to keeping the rent current until virus urgency level started to recede in our region. Plans began being made for what we affectionately refer to as LAT parties, or limited attendance and time.
Once we felt safe enough, we rolled out the plan and gave community members opportunities to discuss and make suggestions before any implementation. The owner consulted local experts in the medical field and in engineering and sanitization at every step. He has made transparency his goal, from the way the money is spent, to what all of his procedures are. That transparency has helped people feel safer attending events, since it means they know exactly what to expect.
Opening the Dungeon Again
For indoor events, such as any rope classes or dungeon events there is a clear procedure. Tickets are purchased in advance through Square, which allows an individual to keep their anonymity and credit card information safe, but allows for a comment to be dropped with the user’s scene name so the dungeon knows who will be attending. Attendance is limited to ten individuals, since that was the recommendation as of the time of planning. Any new attendees are sent the membership form and covid waiver that discusses the recommendations for how to handle contact tracing in the event of any incidents (don’t mention fight club, if it is necessary, please contact dungeon owner and he can let others know they need to go for testing). Leading to the door, waiting spots are marked six feet apart. People can peek in the window to see if the prior group is clear of the entryway before entering. Masks are absolutely required while people area present in the building.
Upon entering, guests have a touchless hand sanitizer unit immediately to their right, and are expected to use it prior to moving into the space. They are then greeted and announce their name for verification on the list and to confirm they returned their forms. Stepping forward, the person manning the plexiglass enclosure can remain behind it while reaching around to digitally check the temperatures of each attendee. The CDC states that a reading of 100.4 constitutes a fever, so anyone with a reading there or above is asked to leave (though that has not happened to date). Attendees are then expected to leave the entryway and go down the hallway to the dungeon area.
The dungeon area has been modified from its pre-covid layout. The setup was workable before to allow for whip space between furniture, but has been adjusted to take half of the furniture temporarily out of commission. Those pieces have been turned around or otherwise adjusted so that it clear they are not for use. With a maximum of five couples having scenes at one time, there are a few more pieces available than people, which allow for some equipment choices.
Individuals are permitted to allot their time however they please. They can watch others scenes, they can socialize, or they can choose to indulge in their own scenes. As their time slot nears to a close, a ten minute warning is announced to allow people to wrap up scenes and pack their gear. Once everyone is out, the owner dons protective gear and thoroughly disinfects the entire space with a spray that should not be touched or inhaled, and then clears out for a minimum of twenty minutes, as recommended for usage of that chemical. The sessions are scheduled in two hour blocks with a thirty minute window for cleaning between them.
Because people have freedom to purchase tickets, but they are limited to 10 available ones, a group looking to make sure they are only sharing space with one anther can purchase the entire block of ten when dates and times are released and basically have a private event. For those with immunocompromised partners, that option can be sanity-saving.
Restarting Vendor Events
Because vendor events typically have more of a revolving door type atmosphere, we struggled some with finding the right balance of safety in order to comfortably begin holding those again. For vendors of kink gear and implements, some of them are truly hurting right now after ten months of few to no options when it comes to in-person events. Often, those in-person events tend to be hugely important for clientele, particularly newer community members who may not know what to expect in regards to appearance or quality of offerings. Being able to see and touch items is a vital part of their education, and a piece that has been noticeably absent this year.
We decided to hold our events outdoors, and to require masks. We release an informational document with safety info at the time of advertising these events. We are clear that face shields may not be used as a substitute for masks, due to the most recent research available. Additionally, we hold it in the dungeon’s gated lot so we can limit attendance to two individuals per vendor, and do thermometer checks. We have a security person and someone handling an outdoor handwashing station, stocked by a local soapmaker. Additionally, each vendor has a bottle of hand sanitizer on their table and requires people to use it prior to making contact with any merchandise.
Vendors occupy parking spaces to make things simple. Ones with larger vehicles (vans mostly) park next to the gate to block the view of anyone walking past. They set up tables in the parking spot directly next to their vehicle and are able to space it as they like. Some bring canopies. By alternating car – vendor – car – vendor, we are able to space vendors out nine feet plus add a blockade of the vendor’s car. Vendors remain masked for the duration of the event. One person or germ group may shop a given vendor at a time. A second may wait six feet distant until that group has finished. Additional interested shoppers must browse elsewhere or wait outside of the gate, physically distanced. We encourage anyone who wants to crack a whip to briefly step inside, but other than that and brief bathroom visits, the event is able to operate fully outdoors.
Our first event went well. We didn’t have a high number of attendees, but the ones who came clearly had full intention to purchase from our local people. All the vendors felt satisfied that they were safe and also able to accommodate shoppers. Vending fees are minimal and go directly to the dungeon to help make sure it continues to operate as we move forward.
Neither event is perfect. They don’t have huge attendance. Some people are unwilling to use masks during play and choose not to attend the dungeon events. Some are unwilling to wear them outdoors and choose not to attend the vendor events. Others feel both events are still beyond their risk profile and also choose not to attend. We support their choices either way, but have to move forward in ways that provide the highest level of comfort and safety to the highest percentage of our kink community’s population. As things change, we are doing our best to change with them.
Do you have any additional safety measures your community is taking? Feel free to let us know in the comments.
Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.
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