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Let’s Talk About Aftercare For The Dominant

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Illustration by Dirk Hooper

I’ve read about a million articles (only a slight exaggeration) on aftercare for the bottom or the submissive, but I’d like to propose a little aftercare for the Dominant or the Top too.

Before I get started, this article in no way is meant to minimize the incredible importance of providing aftercare for the submissive. For a Dominant, taking care of the person you just played with is just as much a priority as negotiation, consent, and safety during a scene. Tops or Dominants must take care of the mental and physical needs of their partner first, foremost, and always.

Also, if you’re a submissive and you’re reading this, I want to stress that your Dominant is the number one source of information about how they are doing. No article should take precedent for the ongoing, open, and honest discourse you should be having with the people you play with regularly.

Let’s step back a moment. If you’re a Dominant, then you’re in charge! Doesn’t it naturally follow that all your post-session aftercare will be taken care of? Not necessarily. There are several reasons that you might not be getting the aftercare you need.

  • My experience as a Dom is that I am highly focused on my partner’s needs and desires. I feel strongly that’s the only way to go. That’s contrary to how many people approach this and that’s fine. However, sometimes that philosophy leads to missing some of my own needs and desires. It’s my fault, but it happens.
  • You may not even be aware that you need some aftercare. A lot of people are just not terribly introspective in that way. This is one area that the submissive partner could be helpful since they often know you the best.
  • Maybe, just maybe, you’re the type of Uber Alpha that doesn’t believe in showing weakness or needs at any time. You might believe that since you’re the King or Queen of the Universe that aftercare is for the little people. This could be a big blind spot.

Whatever the reason, here are some ideas for aftercare for the Dominant. Most of these are focused on players who are in a relationship. A single scene typically won’t require much besides a sincere thanks for a fun time and some feedback- if that’s requested (or a hug, hugs are always good). But an ongoing relationship gets more complicated.

All these suggestions are for the purpose of discussion. Each Dominant is different and knows best what they need. Take or leave these suggestions as you will.

Physical Aftercare for the Dominant

Some scenes are physically challenging in one regard or another. Throwing a heavy flogger, intricate rope-bondage, primal scenes, and other things can require strength and stamina. If you’re a weekend warrior your muscles may not be warmed up. No matter how old you are, there’s always a possibility that something zigs when it should have zagged.

These ideas for aftercare might help get the Dominant back in the game quicker.

These are mostly things for the Dominant to initiate.

  1. Drink some water. I’m the worst about this. If you’re engaging in a big, intense scene, you can get dehydrated easily. The submissive probably needs some water too.
  2. Get some rest. A great scene can drain your energy. If you want to be ready for the next scene, it’s vital to leave enough time to chill out or get some sleep before you have to get up the next day. Most don’t want to play with a sleepy Dom/me.
  3. How about a massage? A massage from your submissive is pretty damn wonderful. Not only does it help with tight muscles, but it’s also a great way to bring the two of you closer.
  4. Coffee, Tea, or…? After a scene is a good time to have your favorite beverage or treat served to you by your partner. Take a moment to enjoy it. For me, it might be cappuccino or some wine with the submissive at my feet. Your mileage may vary.
  5. Netflix and Chill. Personally, I need to be close to my submissive after we’ve played together. At the very least, that means snuggling up for a bit. If you have more time that might mean watching a movie together or catching up on the day’s events.
  6. Alone Time. On the other hand, some Dominants might want some time to cool down or reflect on their own.

Mental Aftercare for the Dominant

I think the mental aspect of aftercare is more significant (and more complicated) than the physical part. If your arm is sore after throwing a whip, that’s obvious. Your mind and your feelings are much more mercurial.

Being Dominant means that you’re likely doing things that run contrary to how you were taught to treat people. Causing pain, being exceptionally strict, and humiliating someone you care for works in the context of BDSM, but only if you know the submissive is on board and getting what they want and need out of the relationship. This is important. Dominants need to know you’re okay, and even better, that you’re enjoying yourself.

Here are some thoughts on how a submissive can provide aftercare for the Dominant.

  1. Giving Thanks. Something as simple as a “thank you” can go a long way with a Dominant. There’s a lot of pressure to come up with a scene, execute the scene properly, keep the submissive safe, and to make sure that everyone is having a good time. Don’t take that for granted.
  2. Be Forgiving. Not every scene goes as planned. Sometimes that leads to something wonderful, and sometimes the scene is a bust. If it’s a bust, then let the Dominant off the hook. I promise it will be appreciated. Dominants can be very tough on themselves. Remember, no one is perfect.
  3. Be Open. Dominants need information from the people they scene with. They need it to gauge where the submissive is and for their own peaceful state-of-mind. Being Dominant means taking on a lot of responsibility, and only a sociopath would be unconcerned about how their submissive is reacting to what is happening.
  4. Do Some Introspection. One of the things that has been exceptionally helpful to me is to have a training diary, where the submissive talks about scenes and where they are within the relationship. This allows another level of introspection that might not be present when you’re talking face-to-face. What this does in the realm of aftercare is to identify where the submissive is emotionally and spiritually, and gives the Dominant clear guideposts along the way. Anything you can do to make things clearer will be valued. Honest communication, good or bad, can put a Dominant’s mind at ease.
  5. Keep an Eye on the Dominant. BDSM should be fun. Is your Dominant having fun? Are they as engaged as they were at the beginning? Are they more tired than usual? Is something weighing heavily on them? Part of aftercare for the Dominant is looking out for their mental and physical well-being. A BDSM relationship is a very powerful thing, and it’s likely that you know the Dominant better than anyone else. If it seems like there’s a problem, your respectful attention could make a big difference.
  6. Check in with the Dominant. If you don’t live with your Dominant then simply check in with them a day or two after a scene. That’s the time after DomSpace, or whatever you want to call it, wears off. A little love and reassurance during this time will be helpful.

Aftercare for the Dominant may take many other forms and will obviously be as varied as the people who take that role. The only way to know what your Dominant needs after a scene is to talk to them. You might be surprised by what you discover when you bring up the subject.

Do you have any other ideas for aftercare for Dominants? I’d love to hear them in the comments below.

About the Author

Dirk Hooper is an award-winning fetish photographer, professional writer, audiobook narrator, podcasting producer and host, journalist for the fetish community, BDSM mentor, and adult personal branding and marketing consultant for Sexy Networking.

Dirk Hooper won Best Fetish Photographer at the 2017 Fetish Awards in St. Petersburg Florida. As a fine-art fetish photographer, Hooper’s work has been exhibited in England, the Netherlands, Belgium, China and all over the United States.  His work is part of the permanent collections of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and the Leather Archives and Museum in Chicago, Illinois. Dirk Hooper’s work has been published in magazines like Skin Two, Von Gutenberg, Fet Erotica and Sinical Magazine.  His work was published in the German hardcover art book “Fetish Fantasies: The Best of International Fetish Photography.” He has done professional photography for bands, books, posters and the adult film industry.  Hooper co-founded the alternative modeling site Toxic Goddess.  He offers his photography services for portraits and commercial projects.

Hooper’s articles have recently been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has won the Quora Top Writer award for the past two years. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently working on an erotic novel and a non-fiction book about social networking.

Dirk Hooper is the Host and Executive Producer of “The Fetish Show.”  He has also recently launched a new podcast about success and inspiration titled, “The Dirk Side.” Hooper has been podcasting since 2005 and has produced hundreds of hours of shows over several networks. His first audiobook narration was for the Suzanne Steele novel “Glazov.”

Dirk Hooper does journalism for the BDSM and fetish community through The Fetish Show News, FETISHWEEK articles, the Daily Fetish Chronicle and freelance writing.  Hooper’s award-winning website, http://www.DirkHooper.com features a gallery of his work, informational articles and is the home of “FETISHWEEK.”

Hooper’s inspiration for his work is an extension of his interests and experience in the BDSM and fetish community.  He is a BDSM mentor and has helped guide or train both dominants and submissives.

Hooper works as a consultant on personal branding, social networking, SEO, copywriting, design and marketing through his Sexy Networking business at http://SexyNetworking.com

Tips to avoid burnout in your BDSM relationship

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As many of my readers know – and many here at kinkweekly.com – I am in a long-term D/s relationship. Although we are talking more than seven years, it has not been a totally smooth ride. As with all relationships, arguments, tension and boredom enter when you least expect them. That is the bad news. The good news is that – as opposed to vanilla dynamics – it is much easier to right a ship sailing the BDSM waters. Clearly in a true Master/slave dynamic, there is more inherent honesty than its vanilla counterpart. As a personal example, I was in Las Vegas a number of years ago. I met some girl and spent the night. The next morning my submissive called and asked me what I was doing.  I told her I spent a night with a women and my sub said, “Was she hot?” No arguments, no questioning, no insecurity. “Next time can you call me so I can listen,” she added. A vanilla girl more than likely would have torn my head off. But this doesn’t mean that BDSM solves all problems. But a solid, honest, negotiated hierarchy helps. But what if it is simple boredom that is a problem, what in vanilla terms is called “the Seven Year Itch?”

Many longer term D/s couples (and short term couples, too) often suffer from what I call “BDSM burnout.” Why burnout happens is simple enough. Domming (and subbing) ain’t easy. It takes work, energy and time. Sometimes the BDSM relationship can start to become a chore rather than a joy. It can be the submissive who has “had it up to here” with pleasing her Dominant. It can be the Dominant who finds that the effort he/she must put into being the Master/Mistress outweighs the rewards. It can be a combination of the two. However it happens, here are some very effective remedies I can suggest.

Go to a dungeon play party. By attending a dungeon party, you solve three problems at once. First of all, you get away from your house, your phones and your chores for a night. The atmosphere is so far removed from your day-to-day life, you can escape into the world of BDSM effortlessly. Secondly, you can pick up on the energy of the other players. Thirdly, you can observe new ways to play that might inspire you. This is a win/win/win proposition; you might even solve most of your problems in one night!

If you had written a slave diary, both of you should read it. I always recommend that the slave write a diary chronicling his/her play experiences. If you were fortunate enough to have done this, just re-read them and see what got you off – and what didn’t. You can then easily recreate the best of your past scenes. If you did not write one, it might be time to start one now. Should your relationship hit another snag, you will appreciate having a roadmap back.

Boredom busters. It is easy to get bored doing anything. “Filet mignon, filet mignon…not filet mignon again!” Defeating boredom actually takes work. (This is where I agree with the “Dr. FullOfIt” types.) If it is simply a question of being bored with your play, you must put in the effort and master new techniques. For example, if you are into hand spanking, learn to use a cane. If you are into rope bondage, learn more exotic skills like Shibari. If you usually eschew pain, experiment with some very light pain. These types of approaches will definitely introduce excitement into your BDSM life.

Buy new toys. Go through a BDSM catalogue and pick up some toys. You’d be surprised how a new item can fire up your play. There is usually a toy featured on the kinkweekly.com homepage. Click on it. See, that was easy!  

Discuss without protocols. Have a frank discussion without any D/s protocols. The submissive should not be afraid of speaking out; the Dominant should not be afraid of looking un-Domly. What exactly were the cornerstones of your original enthusiasm? Are either of you not pulling your BDSM weight? What particular sequences turned you on or off to D/s? A super-honest dialogue is often all you need.

Don’t be afraid to change your protocols. Nothing is written in stone. If you had protocols you now ignore – resurrect them. If you have maintained some that now bore you – replace them.

Take a break. Try stopping all D/s and BDSM for a month or two. Taking a break – and starting up fresh later on – may just do the trick.

Hire a pro Domme. Many commercial dungeons, like Sanctuary L.A., offer reasonably priced sessions which can be both exciting and instructive.

Think outside the box — switch. There is nothing wrong with trying something completely different. Change can be very exciting!

With just a little work, you can once again have “intense scenes and highly connective play.” And, you will likely find your BDSM interactions to be even more intense the second time around!  

About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

Sensual Bondage

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twinz-2-16x24www.voxart9.com

When discussing BDSM play techniques, we frequently talk about floggers, canes and whips. But, there is a softer, and equally important, part of BDSM that is often overlooked. And that is the art of sensual bondage. It might not be as dramatic, but it is sexy, beautiful and often just as thrilling as the most edgy of edge play.

For many submissives, just the touch of the rope is exhilarating; the simple act of being tied up by rope is a rush. It does not have to be tight; it does not have to be complex; it does not have to be escape-proof. The beauty of sensual bondage is that it offers yet another a way of experiencing the adrenaline rush that often is at the heart of a BDSM scene.

Since most BDSM play is based on a negotiated power exchange, there is no need to expertly tie the submissive Shibari-style. Basic rope work can serve a scene just as effectively as the most complex rope techniques serve its scene.

Wrist and leg ties are perhaps the most popular ties in erotic bondage. Once immobilized, the Top can (remember, we are talking about erotic bondage) stroke and play with the submissive.

Breast bondage is also relatively uncomplicated and does not have to involve pain. I am sure you have seen pictures of extreme breast bondage, wherein the breast can turn colors. (I do not recommend this for beginners!) But, simple, almost pain-free breast bondage can be just as exhilarating. When performing sensual rope bondage, don’t neglect the esthetics of the scene; it is part of its appeal.

Finally, when you wish to get to a more advanced style of sensual rope bondage, the rope dress is usually part of the program. Obviously more complex, it still has none of the pain or restraint aspects of total immobilization.

The beauty of sensual bondage is that you can experiment and invent new ways to use rope virtually risk-free. Since the ties are loose, there is little chance of injury.

I would be remiss if I didn’t stress safety – even in sensual play. What might be light play for most, can be heavy play for others. Being tied up, no matter how loosely, can be frightening for some bottoms – especially in public play in front of an audience.  Even in light rope bondage, one should always follow these basic safety rules, which are:

Always discuss, and agree to beforehand, your safe words.

If you see the bottom in mental pain, end the scene. Even if he/she does not safe.

Don’t cut off circulation. Check to see that one finger fits between the bonds and the skin.

If you see skin discoloration, or other signs of severe discomfort, stop the scene whether the submissive is safe or not.

Don’t put rope around the neck, ever.

Have bandage scissors at the ready.

As I have stressed at nausea, “you can never be too safe.”

Now, as an added bonus, it is time for the rope tip of the day! Don’t use cotton rope. It frays and snags very easily and can lock too tight. And never use clothesline or nylon-synthetic blends. The best all-purpose rope is 3/8th’s to 5/8th’s inch nylon rope. And, as an added bonus, nylon rope is readily available in an array of colors. (The more advanced riggers use, in addition to the nylon we discussed, three other different types of rope: hemp, jute and multi-fiber polypropylene. But that is for another article!)

As I have stressed here at kinkweekly.com, there is no one way to do BDSM. To paraphrase, “Different strokes, or non-strokes, for different folks!”

So, if this type of bondage turns you on, simply follow the safety rules and, as the Nike ads say, “Just do it!”

About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

To Top or Not To Top

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As the New Year is close at hand, I wanted to end the year answering some readers’ questions. Rather than write in the abstract, responding to real life questions makes it so much more personal. Here is a question that, I think, everyone in the lifestyle – from beginner to expert — has pondered.

Every time I ask my Dom for something — like a McDonald’s hamburger — or
make any of my “wants” known, he tells me I am “topping from the bottom” and
punishes me. I signed a slave contract, so is he right?

As we head into 2018, we have to take into account the direction that BDSM is moving. I would opine that we are moving towards a more varied and inclusive BDSM world. Switching, for example, is much more common today – or simply more admitted! So to answer this question, we would have to know where this sub’s relationship falls on the D/s continuum. Is it a classic “Old Guard” high protocol Master/slave relationship or a modern, lower protocol, play-oriented one? Or something in between? One person’s “bottom topping” is another’s “strict discipline.” No longer is high protocol 24/7 Master slave the only way to go – or the only protocol to aspire to. You might say that, within reason – anything goes. And that, at least to me, is a good thing.

Thus, to answer this question, we would have to know what was in the slave contract. The beauty of D/s is that you can negotiate in advance the structure of the relationship in the contract. For example, if your slave contract (see my kinkweekly.com “Slave Contract” article), was a strict protocol document, your Dom/me has the right to punish you and he would be correct. (Of course, since slave contracts cannot legally be enforced, even if he were right, you can still just end the relationship.) On the other hand, if this were a more casual D/s union with a light contract, the Dom/me would be totally wrong.

Most times, these kinds of problems arise when people jump into a D/s relationship without the proper understanding or expectations. For example, a relatively new “slave” signs his/her first contract and after a while she gets sick of asking “Master, may I…?” and longs for his/her vanilla ways. “Gimme a Big Mac” seems a much easier way to get what he/she wants. It is up to the Dominant to correct these habits early and in the context of the protocols of their relationship. If he cannot, or the submissive is unwilling and finds all this structure a drag, it is time for them to give up the Master/slave routine.

In a Master/slave or Dom/sub relationship, defined protocols and honest communication are paramount. Wants must be made known, using the proper protocol of the negotiated D/s relationship. The Dom/me should not have to read the sub’s mind. The sub cannot be expected to be a silent statue waiting for her Dom/me to figure out what she needs. If she is hungry, she must be able to let him know other than by looking like he/she is famished. Topping from the bottom is better than starving on the bottom!

I might add, in 2018, one would be advised to take your time and build a relationship. In this new era, it is not wise to just tie up and flog some stranger you just met at a club. I will be covering “BDSM in the New Era” in a future article. Until then…

HAPPY NEW YEAR!