protocol

Five Aspects of BDSM We Forget

January 25, 2016 By anniebear 3 Comments

My timing is fortuitous for this article, it being the new year and all. Perhaps some of you can add these items to your list of new year resolutions. While I love the lifestyle and specifically the scene in LA, there are some key elements that are sometimes overlooked. In an effort to not make this a list of rants, I’ve tried to offer supportive advice for each item. Feel free to elaborate and add onto the list in the comments!

1. Proper introductions. While protocols are often touted as the norm, I often see folks completely ignore proper hellos and introductions. Perhaps it’s the dungeon atmosphere that makes people nervous or maybe it’s a Dominant that’s too big for his/her britches, but a polite and respectful “Hello my name is Sir Domly McDomerton-it’s a pleasure to meet you” goes a long way. This etiquette flows over onto FetLife messaging as well. Also, don’t forget to introduce your friend/partner/sub/slave to new or old acquaintances as well. This will ease awkwardness and reinforce the dynamic. If all else fails, pretend it’s normal vanilla life and treat people like people.

2. Aftercare. I know you’re sick of hearing about it, but this is a super important ending to almost every scene. Pretend like the scene is a gift and the aftercare is wrapping up the entire thing in a nice, clean bow. Maybe you don’t feel like you’ll ever need aftercare, at least check in with the other person for a polite thank you and “how do you feel.” It’s better to be the person who asked about aftercare needs as it shows maturity and experience in the lifestyle.

3. Attending classes. There are enough know-it-alls in the world, please do not fall prey to being one of them. You know the type-they know everything there is to know from flogging to hook suspension and beyond. While it’s all good and well to be confident, it’s even more important to be well balanced and educated in your “craft”-for lack of a better word. This goes for both Dominants and submissives. Submissives may feel like they just need a good Dom/me to teach them everything. Be proactive. Being educated is your best protection against predators in the lifestyle. Most Dom/mes of quality will find your education in the lifestyle an asset rather than a hindrance.

4. Balance. I have personally found that there needs to be balance within BDSM vs. vanilla activities. I learned this early on from my first ever play partner. At the time, I didn’t understand it because I was new and wanted to experience everything to do with kink right then and there. I had the fever, so to speak. Now that I’ve grown from that and have many more experiences under my belt, I actually enjoy vanilla activities equal to, if not more than the BDSM ones. There are a few friends of mine who, like myself are lifestylers, but they have somehow lost the social grace to act appropriately in vanilla public- things like inappropriate touching or talking loudly about kink activities in mixed company. Remember, while you’re kink is your life and expression, much like a religious fanatic it is not your “right” to force your lifestyle on someone else or make people feel uncomfortable around you. This not only further damages the impression vanilla folks have about BDSM but it also alienates you from making potential connections and educating people about kink. You’re an ambassador of the lifestyle. However I do have to admit it’s often fun making mundane vanilla activities kinky. Use your imagination and discretion ;)

5. Having a variety of friends. This can mean a lot of things. Of course everyone has a large circle of acquaintances. Recently, Dexx and I realized we were often spending time with the same people over and over. We love these people and the group dynamic is fun when we get together. What’s wrong with that you may ask? We should all endeavor to keep our scope, skillsets, and opinions broad, informed, and well rounded. It’s not that we will stop seeing our favorite people, we’ll simply add new folks into the mix. Going to classes helps in the regard as well. Another approach is to attend play parties outside of your regularly scheduled events. I’m a voyeur. I love watching a great dynamic play. I identify as a submissive but I bet could learn a thing or two from attending a FemDom party. If the concept of opening up your circle of friends sounds distasteful or uncomfortable, I urge you to give it a shot. It’s good to feel uncomfortable every once in a while.

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

Opinion: Taking Up the Mantle of Mastery

December 28, 2015 By Frederick M 3 Comments

There is much debate in our community as to the use of the word Master. To some it is about describing their role in a power exchange relationship. To others it means that they have mastered a particular skill set or knowledge. Some even have a “kajira” classification for slaves – a term which is taken straight from the John Norman GOR novels where men are Masters and all women either slaves or intentionally freed by said Masters. In fact in one of those silly BDSM quiz things you see online I was identified as a Gorean Master myself; a fact which I felt accurate according to the original descriptions in the books. Truthfully these are all appropriate uses of the term, but there is also a much deeper meaning. So what does it mean to me to call myself a Master?

This is a matter which has been bouncing around in my head for quite some time, the origin of which happened some time ago while I was attending the BOLD conference in 2013. I sat in on a panel led by Master Bert on this very topic; what it means to be a Master, and to wear that title like a badge of honor and identification.

He related a story to us about a rite of passage for the young men of a certain tribal village in a remote, primitive area. In this rite, the young men must prove their readiness to step into manhood by climbing a nearby mountain, and returning safely to the village.

The first step in their journey is to go into the forest, and cut a small tree trunk to make a walking staff for their trek up the mountain. The staff is of course a practical tool, but more importantly it is a symbol of their commitment to the journey. Not just the journey up the mountain, but their journey into manhood itself; a commitment to become a man.

He equated our use of the term Master as a similar commitment to become a Master, to take up the mantle of Mastery, and commit to the lifelong journey towards this ideal.

To make a pact with oneself to work daily to become the Master of our own life, our own behavior and our own destiny. I was mesmerized and fascinated by the discussion and the concept has been rattling around my head ever since. “Am I ready for this commitment?” “What will others think about my use of the term at my level of experience?” So many quiet little doubts in my mind, preventing me from taking that first step in the commitment to the journey. As you can tell I’m a pretty deep thinker and have learned to not take important steps too quickly or lightly.

But there have been many changes in my life this year, many steps in a positive direction, and after a long and deep discussion about this and many other aspects of the D/s, M/s lifestyle with a friend yesterday, at last I feel I am ready to commit to the journey.

It matters not how others perceive the choice, or if anyone even notices. What matters is that I have made it.

I am in charge of my own destiny. I am in charge of my own life. I am in charge of my own behavior and attitude. I have made my staff, and committed to the journey. It is time.

I am a Master.

Baadmaster’s Guide to Public Play: Part One

December 21, 2015 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

As this is the party season, chances are you will be invited to at least one BSDM “play party.” In these types of gatherings, some couples perform BDSM scenes for everyone to see. Others just socialize. Play parties, besides being fun and instructive, are great for submissives who would find the “I have a private dungeon and don’t play in public” Fifty Shades type of Dominant creepy – or even dangerous.

If you are new to this tradition, let these articles be your guide into the world of public play. If you are experienced, a little review is always good for the soul. It might even inspire you to revisit some aspects of public play you may be overlooking or forgetting. Since there are many aspects of public play, we will treat them in three separate installments, ingeniously titled “Part I,” Part II and Part III.”

Most play parties are usually either invitation-only affairs in private homes or semi-public affairs that are usually held at a local dungeon or BDSM club. In both instances, a major feature of these parties is the public play that goes on there. Most times, a large array of equipment (such as St. Andrews crosses, suspension devices, spanking benches, stocks, cages, etc.) are provided for “scening” — as public BDSM play is called. If this is your first play party, fear not. You will not be forced to play. Typically, only about half of the guests actually play; the rest watch the action. This is perfect synergy – the performers perform and the voyeurs voyeur, and everyone is happy!

At every play party, one rule that is always in force is the “rule of consent.” Just because a person is submissive – or even naked! – doesn’t mean that he/she must defer to any Dominant. Permission for anything, from simple touching to playing, must be asked for and granted by the submissive. (Or by the submissive’s Dominant, if that is their arrangement.) A good strategy for any submissive who has a Dom/Domme is to refer all requests for play to the Dominant he/she arrived with. Remember, if you are a single submissive, you always have the right to say “no.” Always. No exceptions. Ever.

Each dungeon, club or private party, has its own “house rules.” No smoking is fairly common, as is no alcohol. (It is not a good idea to drink and play.) Typically, the basic “house rules” are clearly posted. For example, when you enter Los Angeles’ famed Lair De Sade, the following notice is clearly posted.

“OUR BASIC RULE IS THAT “MUTUAL CONSENT & RESPECT ARE MANDATORY. DISBURSEMENT OF NEGATIVE ENERGY
DISRESPECTS A PARTY ~ KEEP IT OFF THE PREMISES, PLEASE!”

Keeping this rule in mind, if you are watching a scene, never make a loud comment, interrupt a scene or enter the “scene space.” Surely, don’t just join them without permission. (This seems so obvious, we mention it simply for the humor in the image of someone “just joining in!”) Keep in mind that a submissive can be bounced out of subspace, or a Dom/me out of Top space, by comments, laughter, distractions, etc. So, be respectful. You don’t have to treat someone’s play area with the solemnity of a televised golf match. But, an attitude of respect and courtesy should be maintained.

If you wish to compliment the players on a particularly good scene, wait until it is over. Do not applaud in the middle of it. Keep in mind that these scenes are really private scenes, even if they are being acted out in public view.

Even if you are an advanced player, some activities, such as fire play, knife play and blood play require permission of the host. Oft times wax play, because it is so messy, is also prohibited. There is also a house safe word, which is usually “red.” If you are not sure about any rules, ask the host or a Dungeon Monitor. Dungeon Monitors, or DMs, are there to watch out for any dangerous play and to see that the house rules are observed. Even in this new world of post “Fifty Shades,” where almost everything goes, house rules, which are based on common sense, are always to be observed.

Play parties can be foreboding if you go into it with the wrong attitude. You are there to have fun and make some friends in the BDSM scene; you should only play in public after you feel comfortable and even excited about doing it. No one expects you to play the first time you attend a play party; that is your option. In fact, we usually suggest you do not play in public at your first play party. After all, the best way to learn how to use the equipment is to go to a dungeon party and watch others play. It is a great opportunity to observe your fellow kinksters in action, exchange ideas and learn as much as you can, and have a good time in the process.

In our next installment, we will get specific with respect to actual play and offer suggestions how to make public play both safe and exciting. Stay tuned!

by Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Slave Contracts: Part Two

November 30, 2015 By Baadmaster 6 Comments

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on.” Samuel Goldwyn.

Last week, we presented two “slave contracts”; this week we will offer, as promised, some additional contracts. This group should fulfill all your “slave contract” needs.

But first, some additional observations are in order. (You can skip this section and get to the contracts; no one is watching. Other than Edward Snowden!)

Obviously, slave contracts are a great way to codify your BDSM relationship. Since memories are short, the slave’s duties can be spelled out exactly so there is no argument. And since they can be negotiated – as all contracts can – both Dominant and sub can be satisfied with the terms. But, I offer a couple of suggestions to consider before you sign on the dotted line.

First, from the sub’s point of view. DO NOT negotiate like you would when you are buying a car. Although the relationship can hang in the balance, you must always seem “sub-ly” (if there is such a word) and not be a “pushy submissive.” You can easily ruin the Dom/sub dynamic before you even start by being a “Dominant submissive.”
Second, from the Dom/me’s point of view. DO NOT use your position of Dominance to cajole the submissive into agreeing to terms he/she will later regret. On the other hand, do not cave in to all the sub’s demands (like the “Dominant as submissive” Christian Grey in Fifty Shades.) If you look like a wimp, many a sub will perceive you as a wimp and will walk all over you. Friendly negotiations are the best way to proceed.

And now, here is this week’s selection of slave contracts.

This first contract, and third in this series, is open ended; it is also part of the collaring ceremony. (We will, in future Kink Weekly issues, cover collaring from every point of view.) Much like a marriage, this slave contract/collaring is supposed to be forever. I love this contract; it is simple and to the point. Just add a termination/renewal date, a little negotiating and you have the basis for a killer relationship.

Collared Slave Agreement

Made this __________ day of _________ in the year 20_____, between __________________ hereinafter referred to as slave, and ______________________ hereinafter referred to as Master or Mistress,

Witnesseth: That the said slave, for and in good consideration and in humble appreciation of such care and attention as the said Master may choose to afford the slave, has given, granted and conveyed, and by these Presents does hereby give and convey unto the said Master; All of the slave’s body and each and every part thereof without reservation, every bit of the slave’s will as to all matters and things, and the entirety of the slave’s soul. To have and to hold, all and singular, the above described body, will, soul, and presence, to the Master and any of the Master’s Assigns until such time as the Master determines to the contrary.

The slave does hereby freely and voluntarily agree:

1. The slave shall immediately, diligently, and enthusiastically comply with and submit the slave’s full being to all directions or desires of the Master.

2. The slave shall offer, at all times, the Master absolute respect, shall address the Master only as “Master” or such other title as the Master shall direct, shall position the slave’s body in a physical position subordinate to the Master whenever possible, and shall speak to or otherwise distract the Master’s attention only when granted explicit permission to so do.

3. The slave shall diligently maintain the slave’s body parts in such circumstances as will demonstrate and ensure that they are fully open and available to the Master. In particular, the slave shall never close the slave’s legs in the Master’s presence, the slave shall never wear undergarments at any time, and shall cover no part of the slave’s body with apparel or material of any description, except when the act of doing so and the design of the item of apparel or material are expressly approved by the Master, and the slave shall keep the slave’s body parts clean shaven at the direction of the Master;

4. The slave shall preserve the slave’s body parts for the exclusive use of the Master and the Master’s Assigns, which use shall be the sole and exclusive source of the slave’s pleasure, and the slave shall engage in no act of self-gratification nor any physical contact with any other person, except at the express direction of, or permission by, the Master;

And, the slave does hereby irrevocably declare and acknowledge the slave’s everlasting and unconditional dedication to serving the Master to the Master’s full satisfaction, and the slave unashamedly confesses that prior indulgence of the slave’s untempered conduct by others may have permitted the slave to become afflicted with inferior habits that may prove unsatisfactory to the Master, from which imperfections the slave humbly implores the Master to free the slave by re-training the slave with corporal punishment, or any other means which the Master, in the Master’s unquestionable wisdom and experience, deems effective in directing the slave to the slave’s sole ambition and life destiny of perfectly fulfilling the Master’s every expectation of the slave.

In Witness Whereof, the slave has hereunto set the slave’s hand, and the Master has deigned to seal these Presents by affixing the Master’s collar around the slave’s neck, on this, the day first above written.
_____________________________________ slave

Signed by slave, whose collar was applied and who was delivered unto the Master on the date above-mentioned and in the presence of the below signed Witness or Witnesses.

_____________________________________ Witness
_____________________________________ Witness

Our second – and fourth in this series – slave contract is a rather technical one. I offer it to show you how detailed these contracts can get; you might need a lawyer to figure out some of these clauses. Still, the outline of the Master’s and slave’s responsibilities is clear and is a good indicator of the scope that a slave contract can entail. And its limited use of the safe word — except in extreme situations — is a good example of this type of slave contract.

Enslavement Contract

Of my own free will, I ___________________________, herein known as the Master, hereby accept you, __________________________, herein known as the slave, as my full responsibility and care, of both the slave’s body and mind as of:
the ____ day of ______, 20___, at ____:____ am / pm _____,
until
the ____ day of ______, 20___, at ____:____ am / pm _____.

This period of time will herein be known as the enslavement term.

The Master will command the slave at all times and will expect the slave to seek the Master’s comfort, pleasure and well-being, above all other considerations that the slave may have.

The Master accepts no responsibility for the slave’s pleasure during the relationship described in the Enslavement Documents, during the enslavement term. The Master may, at the Master’s discretion, administer pain or pleasure at any time. Upon disclosure of the slave’s desires for the Master’s consideration, the Master may or may not grant those pleasures desired by the slave. If desires are not disclosed by the slave, the Master takes no responsibility in the consequences of failure to disclose of the slave’s desires even if the slave is unable to communicate those desires to the Master. The Master will re-mold the slave’s body, habits, and attitudes to whatever the Master desires, within the scope of the Contract. If the slave does not change the slave’s actions and speech to express the slave’s changed habits and attitudes, the Master has every right to punish the slave for not adhering to the “Enslavement Contract” in any way the Master sees fit.

The Master expects the slave to learn how to please the Master better. The Master may instruct the slave in any way the Master feels appropriate The Master may administer criticism to the slave in any way the Master feels appropriate. If the slave does not understand the criticism, the way it has been communicated by the Master, the Master accepts no responsibility for the consequences of the slave not understanding.

The Master expects all rights to privacy or concealment of the slave to be revoked to the Master. The Master has the right to ask any question of the slave and has the right to expect the slave to answer truthfully and completely, to the best of the slave’s knowledge. If the Master suspects that the slave is not disclosing the best answer to the slave’s knowledge, the Master may interrogate the slave to acquire the best answer to the slave’s knowledge. The Master understands and agrees that any failure by the slave to comply fully with the Master’s desires shall be regarded as sufficient cause for any punishment the Master deems appropriate The Master also understands and agrees that if at any time the Master disregards the terms in the Enslavement Contract, the slave at that time can dissolve all contracts by uttering the termination word. The termination word is the only safe word that exists during the enslavement term, since all limits of the slave are described herein.
Within the limits of the Contract, the Master has the right to do anything the Master may choose to do with the slave, whether as punishment, for the Master’s amusement, or for whatever purpose the Master desires, no matter how painful, unpleasant, or uncomfortable to the slave.

The Master agrees to take all the experiences that occur during the enslavement term, that transpire in the relationship that has been described in the Enslavement Documents, as a chance to learn and grow, and use them to improve the relationship between the Master and slave, both during the enslavement term and possibly after the enslavement term.

Signed by, _______________________________, the Master,
and

signed by, _______________________________, the slave,

dated this ____ day of ______, 20____.

Much like a Las Vegas buffet, you can mix and combine these contracts to best suit your needs. There is no such thing as a “standard contract.” Yes, a Master/Mistress will be pushing boundaries; but these boundaries are open to negotiation. After all, it is YOUR relationship!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Slave Contracts: Part One

November 23, 2015 By Baadmaster 6 Comments

“The elephant in the room.” You’ve heard that expression a million times. For us at Kink Weekly, the “elephant in the room” is Fifty Shades of Grey. It has brought a kinda-sorta BDSM consciousness to the masses; its effects, both good and bad, cannot be ignored. This article will not address the pros and cons of this film, but rather it will expand on one of the most discussed aspect of it – slave contracts. While BDSM styles, protocols and rituals come and go, slave contracts endure. Slave contracts, to this day, are an integral part of many D/s and BDSM relationships. Why?

First, they are sexy. One cannot get hotter than a paragraph that says, “I will devote myself completely and totally to the pleasure and desires of my Master…”

Second, they remind the Dom/me and the sub of their duties during the term of the contract.

Third, they do render a small amount of legal protection were issues of consent to arise. (One cannot legally consent to being beaten; but a contract with the word “consensual” in it can mitigate some legal concerns.)

Finally, they are fun.

As an exclusive to Kink Weekly, we have compiled a number of slave contracts. After all, one size does NOT fit all. Surely, with the selection we are presenting, you will find a template that fits your needs. And remember, these contracts are subject to negotiation!

This first contract is the one I use. It is not open ended, has some great general rules and contains a safe word. (Although some High Protocol Masters eschew the safe word, I always use it.) This contract covers a lot of the bases – especially addressing “Work Rules of Conduct.” And the “I” is in lower case to reinforce submission!

Master/Mistress and Slave

Of my own free will and out of a desire to express my love and devotion to the man (woman) i love and adore, i offer myself in slavery to my Master for the period beginning on __________ and ending at noon on_____________.
Although i consider myself to be slave full-time to Master, during the time period expressed above, i will devote myself completely and totally to the pleasure and desires of my Master, without hesitation or consideration of myself or others.

General Rules

The slave agrees to obey her Master in all respects. his/her mind, body, heart and time belong to Him . The slave accepts the responsibility of using her safe word (red!) or safe signal (to be agreed upon) when necessary, and trusts implicitly in her Master to respect the use of that safe word. If a condition arises in which the slave needs to use the safe word or gesture, her Master will assess the situation, and determine an appropriate course of action.

The slave shall keep her body available for the use of her Master at all times. In addition, the slave agrees that her Master possesses the right to determine whether others can use her body and what use they may put it to. The Master will discuss all such instances in advance with the slave, to be certain that such play with others will not violate any established limits. The slave shall demonstrate her acceptance of her role of service and availability at all times while at home and at other times and places specified by her Master. The slave acknowledges that her Master may use her body or mind in any manner He wishes within the parameters of safety. He may hurt her without reason to please Himself. The slave enjoys the right to cry, scream or beg, but accepts the fact that these heartfelt expressions will not affect her treatment. Further, she accepts that if her Master tires of her noise, he may gag her or take other actions to silence her.

The slave will answer any questions put to her honestly and directly, and will volunteer any information her Master should know about her physical or emotional condition. While her Master expects His slave to speak honestly and forth rightly about anything that bothers her, she is not to interpret that as permission to whine or complain. she will phrase her concerns politely and respectfully, and then gracefully accept her Master’s judgment in these matters without further complaint.
The slave will always speak of her Master in terms of love and respect. She will address him at all times as either “Master” or “Sir” (see Public Rules of Conduct).

The Master may give the slave “free periods” in His presence during which the slave may express herself openly and freely. There will be no punishments applied during “free periods.” It is understood, however, that the slave will continue to address her Master with respect and love at all times and that deviations from the rule are subject to punishment at a later time.
The slave agrees that severe punishment may be assessed for any infraction of the letter or spirit of the contract, and will accept the correction gratefully. The form and extent of the punishment shall be at the Master’s pleasure, and the Master shall make it clear to the slave that she is being punished when punishment occurs. The Master shall endeavor not to inflict physical harm upon the slave that might require the attention of anyone outside the relationship. Master and slave agree that in extremes either may activate a free period by using the safe word. The free period will continue until both parties agree that the problem(s) concerned are resolved.

The slave is permitted to engage in any and all activities not actively forbidden by the contract or by later edict of the Master. All rights and privileges not otherwise noted in this contract belong to the Master, and He may exercise them as He chooses.

Private Rules of Conduct

On days when her Master is at work, the slave will greet Him wearing her collar, wrist restraints, and a shirt belonging to her Master. She will wear no underclothes in His presence unless given permission. On days when the Master is home, the slave will wear whatever is deemed appropriate by her Master. When in the same room as her Master, the slave will ask permission before leaving the room, explain where she is going, and why. At mealtimes, the slave will serve her Master, and sit at His feet while He eats. Food for the slave will be given by the Master at His discretion. When speaking to her Master or being spoken to by Him, the slave will assume a demeanor of alert attention and will meet her Master’s eyes directly, unless instructed to do otherwise.

Public Rules of Conduct

The slave will conduct herself at all times in such a manner as to not call attention to Master and slave. she will call her Master/Mistress by His/Her name only if the use of “Master” is inappropriate. The slave will defer to her Master in public. The slave may dress herself, but must seek approval of any clothing she wishes to wear in public. Unless specifically stated otherwise, the slave may not wear panties.

Work Rules of Conduct

No part of the agreement is intended to interfere with the slave’s career. The Master wishes the slave to work hard and honestly, in general to conduct herself in a manner calculated to bring honor and respect to them both. During periods of work, the slave is permitted to schedule appointments, to dress in a manner appropriate to work, and to leave the house when necessary. During periods of work, the slave may answer the telephone and discuss business without the expressed permission of her Master. With my signature below, i agree to accept and obey all preceding rules as well as any rules my Master may choose to issue at a later date. i gratefully consign by body and soul to my Master for His pleasure and use for the contract period noted above.

_____________________________________________ slave __________________ Date

I accept My slave’s desire to serve Me more fully, and take responsibility for her well-being, training and discipline to more perfectly serve My will.

_________________________________________ Master/Mistress _________________ Date

For those of you who wish a shorter, more general and yet more sexually based slave contract, I offer the following:

Slave Contract

This contract sets out the conditions of mutual consent under which _________________________ is to be held in sexual bondage and the terms of her enslavement.

Of my own free will, I offer myself in slavery to my Master/Mistress for the period beginning on __________ and ending at noon on_____________.

This contract also affirms that she/he shall be offered the use of a safe word (safe word: _______), the use of which in any situation whatsoever automatically stops any activity at that time.

Slave also has the right to cancel any and all conditions of this contract at any time.

Conditions:
I accept sexual use and abuse of my body while under discipline for any purpose.
I accept that I shall be placed in and kept under strict discipline within the negotiated time limit.
I accept any form of punishment meted out to me while under discipline.
I accept any form of restraint and chastisement, administered as Master desires.
I accept that the various forms of torment to which I am to be subjected may cause suffering. I wish it to be known through this document that I am aware that any such suffering is part of my training program.
I accept that I am subject to the absolute rule of my Master and those to whom he delegates that rule. This may be taken to mean that I am subject to sale, exchange, or loan without redress to those of corresponding status with my Master, but only within the context of this contract.
I accept that subtle rebellion is expected of me, and lack of it taken to the point of docility is likely to terminate this contract.
I accept that no form of disobedience will be tolerated when in the company of my Master, other Masters or Mistresses and slaves and that I must conduct myself precisely as instructed on each specific occasion.
I accept that I remain under the disciplinary code imposed by this contract at all times and am bound by it’s terms and conditions in all situations, whether closely supervised or not.

I _________________________, do set my signature to this document of my own free will, thus becoming the property of _____________________________, in full understanding that I may be used for any sexual or disciplinary purpose whatsoever, without prior limits.

SIGNED: _____________________________________ slave Date: ____________

SIGNED: _____________________________________ Master Date: ____________

Next week, we will be presenting two more slave contracts, one of which will include collaring. With this selection, we hope you
can find the right slave contract for your relationship.

How To Connect With A Submissive On FetLife

November 16, 2015 By anniebear 26 Comments

One of the most common questions we get from readers is how to meet fellow like-minded kinky people for play or dating. There are a lot of different answers to this, but in this article I want to cover Fetlife as a way to meet people. This builds on Jenn Masri’s earlier article about >FetLife Etiquette.

While FetLife is intended to be a social network more than a dating or hook up site, people do of course message and meet each other on the site. As a submissive woman, I get a lot of messages from dominant men looking to connect. Based on comparing notes with other submissive women, this is not unusual. So if you want to meet people in this way, it pays to put some thought into how you go about it in order to stand out from the crowd in a positive way and maximize your chance of getting a reply.

There is a misconception that when corresponding online, normal rules, etiquette, and general politeness can be tossed out the window. For FetLife specifically, many assumptions are made due to someone listing themselves as a submissive, bottom, etc. I’m writing from the point of view of a female submissive, but this information can be utilized across all dynamics and orientations because my preferred method of communication is based on mutual respect.

Another point to note is that a lot of female submissives/bottoms receive many many messages, so it’s important to make your message comprehensive enough to garner a response but not to shock someone into ignoring you forever. I think there is a misconception that a crazy, off the wall message will at least get a reaction, but it will be the wrong kind. It’s also best to avoid overly complimentary messages. They show little substance and are also the most commonly received, poorly thought out type of message. Instead, focus on other information you can glean from the submissive’s profile that can indicate that you have actually read it (most people don’t, so this is an easy way to set yourself apart). Maybe they list an interest in pet play or mention they enjoy rope that you share a commonality with or desire to try. Focus on the non-superficial aspects and close with an open-ended question that requires something beyond a yes or no response. Finally, strive to never come across as needy, desperate, or angry. A good friend once told me, “He who loses his cool always loses.” You don’t want to be that weird guy typing angrily at his computer because someone didn’t respond or responded rudely to you.

Let’s start by looking at some examples of what NOT to say. The following are real examples of messages I have received on FetLife. I’ve “cleverly” covered the names and photos to protect the clueless.

1. Domly Dom

This is a common approach used in general – having a quippy subject line to get the receiver to open it, it’s a good tactic but not in this example. This person assumes too much. They believe their Domly Dom message will make me melt into a puddle. On the contrary, it did quite the opposite – this is a total turn off. Yes, I have been brought to my knees by a Dom but not by you, and you now will never have that opportunity.

Instead: This type of talk can be a real turn on but everything has to come in steps and with trust. Had he engaged me like a regular human being, then this type of talk would eventually not be too far off.

2. Boner Dom

No, I’m not particularly interested. If you’re on FetLife for sex, that’s perfectly fine, but there is a proper way to go about meeting other like-minded people, such as respectfully stating your interests. Once again, this is a failure to approach a person as a regular person.

Instead: This falls in the similar vein as the Domly Dom message. A polite introduction followed by an outline of this person’s interests would have been a better approach and much less polarizing. Many people want to find someone right away without any effort, but in order to find quality people, you have to do the legwork.

3. Quick Escalation

I recently went out of town.. Prior to my trip, I was reaching out to some local kinksters and joining a few events via RSVP’s. I received this message out of that:

There are a few issues with this message. I kind of took a big risk even responding in the first place as this guy’s profile photo was a picture of his penis in comparison to an air freshener can. In my experience, people with these types of photos as their profile picture are typically on FetLife for hooks ups; you can read more about that in this FetLife Etiquette article. While he did admit that he was new-which would explain the direction the conversation went, to go straight to propositioning me for sex is extremely inappropriate. I had never given any indication that this would be something in which I’d be interested. The funniest part about this situation is while on my trip, I was talking with one of my friends and she specifically mentioned getting a weird message from a guy whose profile photo matched the exact description of this one; it was the same guy! Girls talk and if you give off a weird vibe, word travels fast.

Instead: He could have offered to meet in person or even speak to my Dominant first to see if there would be an interest for this type of play.

4. Blank Dom

Now, there is nothing horrible about this message. However, at the time of writing, his profile was blank and he had no photo. I’ll give more appreciation to someone who has at the very least put forth effort to fill out a profile, even if it’s short. The blank profile photo is understandable as many folks cannot show their face, but put something there. It shows inexperience and laziness to not include an avatar.

Instead: At the very least, have a “filler photo.” I am not a fan of using photos that don’t belong to you, but take a photo of something and post it. Some people will post play toys that they own or lingerie in lieu of a face pic.

5. The Eager Beaver

Take notice of the time mark between the two messages. This guy hit me up with the “hey beautiful lady” and barely twenty four hours passed before he fired back with this needy, desperate, and not funny response. Remember, tonality is lost in text and online communication, so while you think you may sound funny to yourself, the general “tone” will be lost on your receiver. I also hate to tell you all that his profile photo WAS HIS PENIS BEING COMPARED TO AN AIR FRESHENER CAN! I cannot make this up. I should start a collection of genitals in comparison to inanimate objects album. This just reinforces my theory that genital profile pictures usually belong to people who are creepy and weird.

Instead: I have nothing for this one other than don’t be desperate. Or, if you are in fact desperate then try not to come across that way. Politely pinging someone a second time if they don’t respond is perfectly fine – but give it a few days before circling back.

6. Mixed Messages

This message is nonsense. It comes from someone who must be inexperienced, but what does he want from me? He compliments me but then says he prefers to switch but then wants me to submit. I often get messages that say “Hey, you’re beautiful just stopping by to say hi.” This is a very low value message and is crafted in such a way as to not have much of an opening for the sender to be rejected. The sender believes that I’ll swoon over the compliments and respond. It also will usually garner no response from me.

Switching gears a bit, let’s move away from the negative and on to some constructive advice. Here are a few examples of great FetLife messaging techniques. These people deserve gold stars in the vast land of online correspondence.

1. Unique Approach

This was a well thought out message. I honestly had a blank profile at the time of this writing, but he took the time to craft a unique message to me that does not completely focus on my looks. I do have a small inkling that he does use this type of message often, but it was well written.

2. Short and Sweet

This one was short and to the point. It included a compliment and a specific “action” question regarding seeking partners.

3. Intrigued

Another well thought out, specific to the receiver message. He also tells me something about himself that is beyond the general and obvious.

I hope these examples help outline some best practices for strong, online correspondence. Let me know about your FetLife messenger stories-I love to hear about the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, if you have had success messaging people on Fet – share your secrets!

Stay tuned for a future article on how to approach a potential submissive/bottom in person!

BDSM Dungeon Etiquette

November 16, 2015 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

So you’re new and ready to go to your first play party? Or perhaps you’ve been going to play parties for a while and started letting basic etiquette slip? Oh yes, it’s usually the people who should know better that I see making faux pas! So let’s go over the most common play party do’s and don’ts.

CLEAN! This is in reference mostly to the equipment and furniture you are using for a scene. However, I also advise that you clean your toys. But hey, that’s on you and if we aren’t playing then you and your partner can cover that. Back to the furniture, though, you should clean it before you play as well as after you’re done. Some people may complain, “but I’m the first one to use it, so why clean it first?” While you may be the first one on it at that party – you have no idea what happened on it the night before or before the party started – especially if you are at a dungeon that offers pro sessions. It could have been used 30 minutes before the party doors opened. Plus, if you aren’t the first ones on it that means someone else (hopefully) cleaned it – but did they clean all the parts you will be using? Did they clean it correctly? Better to be safe than sorry.

SPACE! Giving those in a scene the space they need. Stand back, give them room. Do NOT get up close and personal. You are not involved in the scene and it is not ok to invite yourself! It doesn’t matter if they are doing something interesting that you don’t have a good view of. If you want to know more about it then wait for a better time later in the evening to approach them and ask. Also, if whips or floggers are being thrown, go around! Don’t complain if you get hit because you walked through someone’s scene.

SHHHHHHH! Be mindful of your voice and socializing. If you want to socialize there are areas in every club meant just for that. If you’re watching a scene but want to say something to your friend next to you – get in their ear and whisper. Keep the conversation to a minimum. If you are setting up for a scene or just finished – again – be mindful of your non-scene noise level. Keep your voice down as much as possible. Too much “non-scene” talking can really pull people out of their head space that are playing around you. On the other side of this issue you may be the one who is trying to do a scene and it’s other people being loud. Simply gesture to them to lower the volume in a respectful way. Most people get carried away and don’t realize their voices got louder. Typically a small reminder is enough. If that doesn’t work, well, keep reading.

EQUIPTMENT HOG! Hogging equipment can take two forms. Time and space. At some clubs you may have a time limit on your scene. In this case it won’t matter because you won’t have a choice but to give up your play space at the designated time. However, most clubs do not time scenes. Therefore, you should consider how many people are in attendance and how much of a demand there is for play stations. Be considerate. If it’s a busy party don’t play for hours. The other issue is space. I see it all too often – people wandering around (sometimes including me!) looking for an area to play and there are perfectly good spaces that are covered in the toys or bags of the people scening on the next station over. Not cool. First of all – if you have a million bags but have a specific scene planned, try to consolidate your toys before heading to the party. Beyond that – look for a place to put your bag/toys that is within your station. Don’t use a play table for storage. If you’re concerned about putting your things on the floor, bring a towel to throw down.

DON’T INTERRUPT! I don’t care if you get to a party and are really excited to see a friend of yours but they’re in a scene or you are leaving and really want to say bye to someone who is in a scene. Don’t interrupt if A, you haven’t been invited into the scene or B, there isn’t an urgent situation. That said, let’s look at these two exceptions. Being invited into a scene can take on two forms. One, all involved have consented to you joining the scene to bottom, top or assist in a positive way. Lovely, have fun. Two, the Top has requested for you to enter a scene because they need assistance in an urgent situation. Perhaps they have their bottom suspended and they need to come down faster than expected. The Top knows they have time to bring the bottom down safely, however, asks you to lift one leg (for example) to make it easier for them to loosen the rope. There could be a million similar situations, but you get the picture. In this situation you do ONLY what the Top has asked you to do. You are not automatically granted consent for anything else. I have seen this happen where the person is asked to assist to lift a bottom’s leg and decided that meant he could also let his fingers wander to her “naughty bits”. NO! NO! Only do what you are asked – nothing more. Moving on to the other exception – the urgent situation. This may be a thing like someone needs to move their car or risk getting towed or the club is closed/party is over and they need to wrap it up. Yes, these examples are situations where the person should have taken a few more steps in personal responsibility, however, that’s a different issue for another article! So you need to get their attention but they are mid-scene. Make eye contact with the Top and gesture to them that you need to tell them something. Most Tops will assume that if you are interrupting it must be important. Once you let them know what’s going on then assess what needs to happen. If the Top needs to walk away from their bottom then they need to put them in a safe position and make sure someone they trust stays with them. Another option is to have someone else handle the problem so they can stay with their partner. NEVER just leave a bottom unattended mid-scene!
Not interrupting also applies to when people are in aftercare! Aftercare is an extension of the scene. If it’s obvious that people are in aftercare – treat them as if they were still playing. If you aren’t sure, make eye contact with the Top, the person most “present”, or the person you know best, and ask if they are up for chatting.

GET HELP! So you follow all the rules, politely ask people to keep it down, etc. Great! What happens, however, when you need assistance? Here are a couple reasons this may happen. One, a bottom my call red and you don’t see the Top stopping or perhaps someone seems like they are in extreme distress to you. Especially if you’re newer to the scene and public play – you may be reading the scene wrong. This is a good time to express your concern to a DM (Dungeon Monitor). DMs have typically been trained to assess scenes and situations in the club. They are usually easily identified via an arm band, sash, or badge. Another time you should get a DM or the party host is when you are having a personal issue with someone. If you have politely asked someone to decrease their volume or give you more space and they repeatedly ignore your requests – ask for assistance. It’s not your job to personally take on someone being rude or unruly.

BONUS TIP! HYGIENE! Stinky is not sexy!! Come to the party clean, use deodorant, brush your teeth. This doesn’t mean swim in cologne! I, personally, always have a deodorant stick in my toy bag in case I need to re-apply post play.

Overall – be aware, be respectful and if you don’t know, ask. These tips will get you far and a more pleasant party experience for everyone!!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Hard versus soft limits

November 9, 2015 By Jenn Masri 6 Comments

Fetish Hand cuffs, collar, whip dominatrix — It’s ok to have limits.

Limits are things that should be discussed during any negotiation. They can be due to medical issues or triggers, however, those are usually discussed separately. Personal limits typically refer to things that have to do with preference versus inability. A “don’t want” versus a “can’t”. Limits (just like most things in a negotiation) can apply to both the bottom and the Top. Both partners should cover limits for themselves when negotiating a scene.

There are two categories of personal limits, hard limits and soft limits. Hard limits are fairly easy to define. These are things that you will not do under any circumstance, at least for the scene that is being negotiated. These could be things that you won’t do at all, will do with some people but not with others, or it’s something you won’t do with a new play partner until you get to know them better. Hard limits can include extreme forms of play and what we think of as “typical” hard limits, which include things like illegal activity, but it can also include any type of play or activity that the person is not OK with. Sometimes somebody has a hard limit that their play partner is used to doing or that may be ok with most people, however, if it’s not okay with you don’t hesitate to tell the other person. You should never not mention a limit just because you think it’s silly or because you think it should be expected. Just because you think something is common or well liked by most people, for example hair pulling, this may be something that is a hard limit for you. Maybe it’s because you have extensions in your hair or maybe it’s because you have an emotional trigger connected to the activity. The reason doesn’t matter. The point is, if it’s not okay with you, your partner needs to know that and they need to understand that it’s a hard limit.

Soft limits usually fall under two different categories. They are things that someone has tried and they don’t necessarily enjoy it (or at least didn’t enjoy it with the person they experienced it with) but it wasn’t so bad that it’s a hard no – it’s more “I’m willing to try it again with you and/or I know I don’t really like it but if you like it I’m willing to endure it for you”. The other type of soft limit is something that has not been experienced before, but that the person is willing to try. Usually in this case the top will want to start slow or light and go from there. The last thing you want to do when introducing a new type of play or type of implement is to go too hard and give the person a bad first experience. You don’t want someone to not like an implement or type of play based on a bad first impression or fear.

Keep in mind if you’re new, when you have a list of hard limits and soft limits, these things can, and probably will, change over time. Hard limits can become soft limits, soft limits can become fetishes or turn ons, or things that you once enjoyed can become a limit for you. Just be prepared for the fact that these lists are not set in stone. As you experience more play and as you experience playing with different people, things will change over time and that’s perfectly OK. You may even play with someone one time and have a certain set of limits and by the time you play with them again those limits may have changed. So as a top it’s also important to remember that. Keep in mind it may have nothing to do with them being dishonest or keeping anything from you or be anything personal, it could just be that their experiences have changed.

Lastly, there is something you want to avoid, especially as a new s-type, when you first start playing. You may not know what your limits are and that’s perfectly OK. What’s not okay is to tell a Top that you have NO limits just because you don’t know what they are. Be very clear that your limits are uncertain because you haven’t had much experience, but give them a list of things you would like to try and just go very slowly. In the end it’s all about having fun, self-exploration, and growth.

Navigating the public BDSM scene

November 2, 2015 By Frederick M 4 Comments

So, you’ve discovered that you are kinky… Now what?

First of all let me congratulate you on taking a step into a much larger world of adventure and experience, good for you! It takes courage to recognize and embrace the fact you may have some interests which mainstream society frowns upon.

You are about to enter a world of pleasure and pain, dark desires and wicked dreams. Never again will plain old vanilla sex satisfy you and get you where you need to be. Like butterfly wings, once you have touched your kink, you are forever changed into something, someone else. This has been my experience.

It is my sincere hope that this small work may help others avoid the pitfalls and frustration that go along with inexperience by getting some insider information prior to heading for disaster. Join us down the rabbit hole and let’s see how deep it goes.

The answer to the question, “What now?” is likely to be as widely varied as the people who might be willing to actually step up and answer it for you. The plain truth is that your journey into and through the world of kink is going to be uniquely yours and yours alone; just as it has been for all of us and just as it should be.

You can keep your activities entirely private and never out yourself to anyone other than your partners, making the occasional trip to the local sex toy store and picking things up here and there, or surfing the net for bondage porn and emulating the things you see.

Or you can, as many do, choose to jump into the public BDSM scene, (i.e.: dungeon clubs, classes, socials, etc…). It’s entirely up to you and in any case is neither a good nor a bad thing per se’, it is simply your path.

Whatever your choice, it’s helpful to “know the ropes” as it were, particularly in the early stages of your experimentation. In the public scene you will encounter every kind of kinkster imaginable, and many behaviors that may be alien to you and your upbringing, depending on how open minded your household was.

One of the first things I learned was that there was a whole new world of terminology and jargon I was unfamiliar with. Soon thereafter I also learned that not everything means the exact same thing to everyone. People in our world are different from one another in just the same way people in the vanilla world are. Interpretation is a factor.

So what do you need to know in order to adjust and feel comfortable without stepping on any toes or committing any offenses?

Let’s begin by covering some common phrases and expressions you might hear when out at a dungeon club. These are basic definitions, keep in mind that many of these terms are flexible and may mean slightly different or deeper things to some.

Dominant: A term with multiple meanings and uses, but generally used to describe a person who takes the power in the relationship or exchange.

Submissive: Another multi-use term, used to identify the one who gives up the power in the relationship or exchange.

Consent: In the context of the BDSM world, consent is given by both parties to participate in a certain activity, or activities. This consent may be wide ranging or limited to specific things, depending on the relationship and experience of the participants. (Example; “you may flog me in our scene but I dislike needles”)
It is important to know that everything we do in the BDSM scene is done with full awareness and consent by all parties involved. If you do not have consent, it is considered abuse and you may find yourself in a heap of trouble real fast; even the kind of trouble that requires a lawyer to get out of. So make sure you have consent!

Scene: This word has two meanings in our world. The first is a general descriptor of the BDSM scene at large, i.e.: “The Scene”. The second is more specific to activities we participate in with a partner or partners. Example; “we had a really great rope scene tonight”.

D/s or M/s: These are used to describe power exchange relationships between the Dominant or Master/Mistress and the submissive or slave. The first letters are always capitalized to show respect for the authority that is consensually given.

Power exchange: The term used to describe when the submissive or slave consensually surrenders their life and or will to the Dominant or Master in the relationship. The terms of this surrender can vary in length of time; anything from one scene to a lifetime, and can also vary greatly on the depth of surrender depending on the parties in the relationship.

Protocol(s): Protocol is a term used to describe the behavior which a submissive or slave may be allowed to exhibit by the Dominant or Master. Also the behavior the Dominant engages in as a part of the scene or relationship. Protocols vary and evolve from one person to another, and one Dominant may have different protocols in place for different submissives in their service. They can also vary depending on the environment; public vs. private play. Protocols may involve restrictions on physical contact, eye contact, speaking out loud, clothing or any number of other things.

Top: A Top is the person in a BDSM play scene who is the one doing the things, whatever they may be, to the bottom. This can be anything from rope tying, to spanking or flogging or even interrogation. It’s important to know, however that this term is not necessarily synonymous with a Dom or a Master. Top is a more utilitarian term. While a Dominant is generally a Top in the scenes they play out, not all Tops are Dominants.

Bottom: Take the above description and simply reverse it.

Switch: Someone who performs and enjoys both Topping and bottoming, and may even transition in the course of one scene.

Sadist: Someone who takes pleasure and satisfaction in inflicting pain.

Masochist: One who gets pleasure and satisfaction from receiving pain.

Voyeur: One who takes pleasure from watching others engage in sex and BDSM play.

Safe Words: These are used by the bottom to inform the Top when they are reaching or have reached a pain threshold. Though safe words may vary, Yellow is commonly used to mean slow down or lighten up, and Red is used to say stop. Safe words should be established by new play couples during initial scene negotiation. If you establish definite safe words, it is your responsibility to use them as needed. If you agree that Red is your stop word and you say stop instead of Red, your top may not stop.

Negotiation: The process of agreeing on the terms of a scene, or relationship. For a scene, especially with new play partners, time should be taken to gather information about the likes and limits of all partners involved. It is advisable to know as much as you can about your play partner prior to beginning so as to avoid harmful or dangerous situations. This should include discussion about health issues as well. Things like STD’s, or psychological trauma need to be out in the open in advance of play time.

Sub-space: A state of mind wherein bottoms enter a trance-like state where their ability to think clearly can be compromised, and they may lose the ability to make safe decisions for themselves. This is an especially tricky situation for some and when deep sub-space is present the Top must maintain control and keep the best interest of the bottom as paramount.

Frenzy: A state of mind and body characterized by an obsessive desire to experience anything and everything as quickly as possible. This happens especially when the player is new on the scene.

Drop: (Specifically sub-drop) This refers to the depressive state which can follow periods of intense BDSM activity such as bondage, spanking, flogging, etc. Depression results from the brains withdrawal from neuro-transmitter chemicals and the after effects of shock. Drop can sometimes be triggered just by the psychological effects of sub-space. To some degree drop can also affect Tops, but is less common. Drop effects everyone differently, and some folks not at all.

This is by no means a complete list, but it should help with the more commonly heard expressions. Moving on…

By now you’ve probably noticed that some of these terms have something in common with the others. You may ask… “So does that mean that a Dominant is also a Sadist? Is a bottom a masochist? Is a switch both?” The answer to all of these is yes… but not always or not necessarily.

Remember that all of this stuff is really open to individual interpretation and can vary greatly from person to person. A lot of it has to do with personal awareness, comfort and identification.
I have played with submissive women who do not identify as masochists, and yet freely orgasm with gusto from having their genitals spanked hard, go figure!

Also everyone seems to have different limits within their own identification. What feels like a 10 on the spanking pain scale to one person, may only be a 2 to someone else. Me personally, I have no pain tolerance at all, absolutely zero. My 10 is pretty much a 1 to every bottom I know. But then I’m not a bottom so it never really becomes an issue. The great thing about the fetish community is that we are open to just about anyone and anything short of actual harm like child abuse and non-consensual impact. There is something for everyone.

The next thing you should know is that the BDSM lifestyle has more than one level of involvement. It represents different things to different people. The populous of our world runs the gamut; from those who live their lives in 24/7 power exchange relationships, to people, perhaps like yourself, who are brand new and only want to dip their toes in to see how the water feels. With the true lifestylers, you will likely encounter protocols and behaviors you are unfamiliar with; protocols involving physical contact, communication, physical position, eye contact and the like. While these may seem strange or even unfair to you, it is important to keep an open mind and remember that consent has been willingly given and accepted.

BDSM lifestylers take this very seriously because they recognize and embrace the deeper meaning under it all. This deeper meaning is not something everyone comes to see and understand, but it is there nonetheless. For those of us who are touched by this, the clubs become our second home, the people we meet with, our family. Often times we feel more like our true selves in this environment than we do anywhere else. And it’s no wonder. BDSM reaches a very primal and powerful instinct in us; we really get something valuable out of it.

Newbies often misunderstand the things they see out in the clubs because they are inexperienced in the power exchange dynamic, and unaware of the deeper connection we have with it. And veterans sometimes have little patience for those who are only temporarily hanging out because they thought some book they read about it was cool.

You can avoid conflict and confusion by observing a few simple guidelines when out at a club, particularly for the first time. Obviously rules can vary from one club to another, but there are some general philosophies which should serve you well regardless of where you are.

• Read and understand the rules of the club you are going to, if possible in advance of your arrival. Chances are when you enter the club, and pay your entrance fee you will have to sign a waiver of consent and liability for the club. This will explain what is disallowed and what is expected of you. First timers should read these carefully and adhere absolutely.
• Don’t become too intoxicated. Whether the club has a bar or is b.y.o.b. stay in control of yourself. In my experience most feel it is unwise to play under the influence, and drunken behavior may get you kicked out.
• For your first time out, you may just want to observe others playing to get a feeling for what goes on. You shouldn’t feel any pressure to perform just because you are there.
• Don’t act like you own the joint. Respect that this club may be home to more than a few people. Though it is technically a public setting it is still a private place. Behave accordingly.
• Cell phone use may be prohibited. Because of the nature of what we do in our clubs, many will ask you to keep them out of sight, turned off or even ask you to check them at the door. With the advent of smart phones and easy access to the internet, people can be quickly outed in a big way. We want to avoid this and so should you.
• Respect the Dungeon Monitor. Most clubs employ someone to keep an eye on the goings on at the club. They make sure play remains safe and consensual.
• Keep things quiet if you are watching others play. Interrupting someone else’s scene, whether intentionally or not, is considered rude. Don’t ask them questions or observe from anything less than a respectful distance. And if you and your friend simply must have that loud conversation right now, take it outside.
• It’s ok to stare, but try to avoid pointing obviously.
• Don’t judge what you don’t understand. Keep an open mind. But if you can’t do that, at least keep a closed mouth. We don’t care if you approve or not.
• Respect people’s personal space, be friendly, but be cool.

All of this stuff is based in common sense and courtesy, but it’s important to point it out because sometimes people don’t seem to think those things apply in the dungeon setting. I can assure you that they do.

I don’t mean to imply that you should not be yourself, and I’d never do so. But until you have gotten your feet wet and seen what really goes on, just be cool about it. You’ll be glad you did.

So now that you are armed with enough information to keep you from embarrassing yourself, how do you begin to enter the public scene? Perhaps you’re lucky enough to know someone already involved, or know of a club you can go to. Perhaps you’re already aware of the social networking sites used by kinksters around the world to connect and gather with each other.

But what if you’re like I was when I was new? What if this self-discovery finds you far removed from a large metropolitan area? Let me share some of my experience with you.

I first discovered my kink after two failed marriages in which the sex life had been a big part of the problem and ultimately the destruction (in part) of the relationships. I always gravitated towards the darker, edgier parts of life, art, porn etc… But even though I somehow knew something was missing, I never really knew what it was. After my second divorce I found myself alone, in my early forties and living in a very small city in the Pacific Northwest; disillusioned and dissatisfied.

I managed, however, to befriend two couples, much younger than I was, who introduced me to the fetish community there, such as it was. I can distinctly recall going to a club for the first time and seeing the artwork on the walls. Most of it was highly erotic rope and suspension art and I was fascinated by the seductive beauty of it all. Seeing the photos of these women bound, gagged and displayed in all manner of compromising positions turned me on like I never had been before.

That new year’s eve we took a road trip up to Vancouver B.C. to attend an event known as Sin City, a bi-weekly kink rave complete with full bars, open dungeon play areas, and half naked Canadians from 19 to 90. I was hooked immediately and spent the next couple of years trying to get my kink on with girls I’d meet here and there, but the scene in that town was practically nonexistent and I quickly became frustrated.

Eventually I found my way back home to Los Angeles, a veritable bee hive of kinky activity, and proceeded to jump in feet first. My first event was a munch, which is just a social dinner gathering in a public restaurant. We hold these as a way to meet new people in a no pressure situation.

I immediately met lots of people with varying degrees of experience in the life and was eager to get started acquiring my submissives right away.

But you know what? That first year, while often enjoyable and fulfilling, was also frustrating, embarrassing, and even heart breaking. I soon realized that I was floundering and on the verge of leaving the scene entirely. I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be able to cut it. See, despite the fact that I had known I was kinky and freaky in the bedroom for quite a while; I had no idea what it meant to actually live the lifestyle out loud. I had NO experience with true lifestylers who lived openly 24/7. I hadn’t the slightest idea what a protocol was, what the power exchange dynamic was about, none of the real deal. I was lost.

After a few failed attempts at D/s relationships, I found myself becoming shy and introverted and hesitant to even keep on trying for fear of more failure. Finally this led me to a surrender of truth; I needed help. I reached out to some of the men I had met in the scene, hoping for guidance, advice, and a Mentor.

Soon a man I knew through a friend suggested that I attend an MDHL meeting in Los Angeles. (MDHL is Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather) Like LGBT, (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transsexual) this is a means of identification, but also a place to call home with those of your particular ilk. There I met my mentor and began my true excursion into the world of the BDSM lifestyle.

Since that time I have been growing in leaps and bounds in technique, experience and attitude and have found true inner happiness exploring and living out my Dominant nature.

Your early time in the BDSM scene can vary depending on your individual situation. Whether you be male or female, Dominant or submissive, or even if you are unsure of exactly where you fall in, can have an impact on your experience.

New submissives are by far in the most demand and get the most attention. While this fact can make finding play partners to have new experiences with much easier; it can also lead to a state we call “frenzy”. Frenzy can happen to sub and Dom alike and is characterized by an overwhelming obsession to experience everything and anything as quickly as possible. This state often leads people to make snap decisions based on too little information about the people and activity they are getting involved with. It can lead to burnout, disappointment and even harm if not kept in check. Trust me, I speak from personal experience in this matter.

My advice to new people is to take things slowly. Above everything else you must keep your mental, emotional and physical health as your first priority.

Seek out classes and seminars in your area. If you know what your identification is, reach out to others of your ilk who have more experience than you. Don’t allow yourself to get into dangerous situations with people you don’t know. Start off by playing publicly so you have others around who will also keep your safety in mind.

New Tops can face their own challenges, namely finding people to play with. The question becomes, how to gain experience when you have no experience? I have found that many experienced subs or bottoms are unwilling to play with a Top who doesn’t know what they are doing. So how do you become proficient enough to have confidence in what you are doing, and convey that confidence to them?

The internet is full of helpful videos about how to use flogs, paddles, canes etc… and instructional vids on rope bondage of all kinds. These are a good start but in my opinion nothing suffices for the personal instruction of an experienced player. Ask around, find classes or people who offer instruction in your areas of interest. Be patient, take the time to learn proper techniques, ask questions, you’ll be glad you did. The more humble and honest you are with people about where you’re at in your path, the more they will respect and be willing to help you.

Again I recommend seeking out people in your area who already have the experience you want, get to know them and learn from them. Mentors and friends are going to be your best bet in your early years in the scene. They have already experienced much if not all of what you are about to and can help you identify things like frenzy, drop and the like.

Some final thoughts… On consent, while it is true that our activities are generally based on mutual consent and gratification of pleasure, it’s important to note something. We are people who love to push the envelope of what’s acceptable. Dominants are people who love to take what they want and submissives are people who love to please. What this sometimes means is that even though a negotiation may have established some parameters based on consent and limits, at times these may be pushed. Those limits may be tested and broken through. In the heat of passion boundaries may be blown away in favor of testing new ground. This kind of thing can and does happen, though for new people, again I caution some restraint and slowness of pace. You have to learn what the rules are before you can break them.

On use of safe words during play; the reliance on safe words may be compromised under the influence of sub space. The Top or Dominant is also responsible to feel the bottoms energy, check in with them from time to time to make sure they are doing alright. The nature of a submissive is to please, sometimes even at the cost of their own comfort and safety. As Tops/Doms, we must also take responsibility to provide for their safety.

And finally, above all else, remember to have fun. Lest my cautions give you the wrong impression, I want to emphasize this one fact; we do this stuff because we enjoy it! So get out there and get to it!!

We’d love to hear about your first experience going to a public play party! Share in the comments section below.

Frederick M. is 24/7 MDHL; Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather and proudly mentored by a member of the Monarchs. He currently resides in Los Angeles practicing polyamory with his two lovely submissives.

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