service

Benefits To The Dominant

September 16, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!

A man approached me, asking for help convincing his wife to take him on as her submissive. As they often do, he explained how she is very demanding naturally: Always wanting to be in control of the household, always “mothering” him and always telling him what he can and can’t do, etc. He said she’d be the “perfect dominant”.

He explained that they had discussed his interest in submitting to her a few times – and that they had even tried evenings and weekends, where he was her slave. They both enjoyed themselves during these sessions, but their dynamic reverted immediately after the session was over and she never seemed to initiate it on her own, afterwards.

He had tried to broach the subject, but she eluded (his word) his efforts. He tried “Stealth Submission” (submitting to her without her knowing, in hopes that she would like the service and start to demand it), but she never caught on that anything was happening.

To convince her to let him serve her, he had created a rationale list: 20 reasons why accepting him as her submissive would benefit her. Things on the list included: “Never having him disagree with her”, “Never pestering her for sexual activity and leaving initiation to her alone”, “Getting all the housework done to her satisfaction”, “Staying by her side at all times so that he’s always available”, “Staying in chastity to assure all attention stays on her”, “worshiping her”, “waking her up to oral sex every morning”, etc.

Reading through the list, it was obvious that he had absolutely no idea what his wife really wanted from him. I asked him if she had suggested ANY of the things on the list, to which he replied, “No…but it’s in her nature”. I reasoned with him that, given his natural submissive tendency, if his wife wanted him to be her slave in the manner he was presenting, after 10 years of marriage, didn’t he think he’d already be on his knees? I mean, if she really wanted him in chastity, giving her oral sex every morning, wouldn’t he already be doing it? He sat, a little at a loss for words.

Then, he presented the next most frequent argument: That he would be love to give her all the things she wants, if she would just take control of him. I asked, “So, what you’re saying is that the only way your wife can get what she really wants from you, is to make it fun for you? You would not be interested in actually serving her unless she first serves your fantasies?” That got a quiet stare.

I explained that “benefits” are in the eye of the beneficiary. If she doesn’t see something as a benefit, then it isn’t one. Period. I asked him if the things he was offering up as benefits were really things that he honestly felt SHE would consider a benefit. He admitted that he didn’t really know for sure.

The only way for a submissive to know what a given dominant feels are the true benefits of having them as a submissive, is for her to communicate them to him. If she offers up that definition of submission, then it behooves him to listen! If she doesn’t offer it up, then it’s up to him to ask. I tried to help him with techniques to get her to formulate a definition of submission to her (the Egyptian Pharaoh Exercise, for those of you who have read my writings).

He asked me what I felt the chances were that she would find doing things like “putting him in chastity and making him do housework naked except a collar” would be submission for her. I told him that I didn’t know her at all – and that he had a much better shot at answering that question than I did (and I assume he already knows the answer, BTW). I suspected the answer would be “very low”, but I also said that I wouldn’t rule anything out – and that it was possible. Then I pointed out that the upside of getting her to define what submission means to her, is that, if in fact she DOES enjoy those things, he’s going to end up doing them, anyway. I repointed him to the Task List Exercise, as a great way to help categorize and structure ideas for submission. He agreed to try it out.

What I find so interesting is how many people fall into the same trap of assumption and stereotype. I believe they want their partner to want what the stereotype tells them is desirable, and are afraid to explore their unique partner’s reality. They think it’s easier to get their partner to change than to change themselves, which is a fallacy, since change is a function of motivation – and who has the strongest motivation to make a D/s dynamic work?

The infamous Rolling Stones lyric, “You can’t always get what you want…but you find sometimes, you get what you need” is in full-force here. Long-lasting happiness comes from getting what you need, not from getting exactly what you want. In the case of submission, long-lasting submission comes from finding what you need through giving your dominant what they want. Find out what truly benefits your unique dominant – and deliver that to the best of your ability!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

What Makes A Great Submissive?

August 26, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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A couple of days ago, I participated in a forum discussion on FetLife regarding attributes that dominants look for in their submissives. There was a lot of talk about appearance, obedience, strength, etc.

As I often do, when I structured my answer, I did so in two parts: Attributes of a partner in a relationship (any relationship) and additionally, the attributes of a submissive. After all, a D/s Relationship has both the power dynamic and underlying relationship in play, simultaneously.

In terms of relationship partners, I look for reliability, trustworthiness, good communication skills, a good sense of humor (the ability to make me laugh), intelligence, empathy, and loyalty (is that so much to ask? ). They also need to be respectful, honest, and caring. I look for these things from my spouse, my friends, my family, and even from my business associates. Even acquaintances need to have these attributes, in some level, to last.

Submissives are relationship partners, so they require all the above. In addition, there are some critical attributes that I feel will help them to be top-notch submissives: First, they must want to be the best submissive they can be. An inner need to strive to improve, and continually improve. They also must be able to divorce themselves of any preconceived notion of what submission is, and adapt to deliver it the way I define it. They must internalize feedback quickly and continue to adapt their submission accordingly.

In terms of characteristics that make a great submissive, I’d have to say CONFIDENCE, HUMILITY, and FLEXIBILITY: A great combination!

They must be confident enough to trust that they can do things without assistance and confident enough to take correction to heart and make changes. They must be confident in their desire to submit; in whatever way is required of them. Confident enough in themself to not be needy and to be able to function independently without constant assurance, attention, and monitoring.

As far as humility, they must be humble enough to realize that their submission is not all about themself and yet, to accept praise without getting cocky or know-it-all. They must be humble enough to consider themself a student, continually striving to learn and improve.

Lastly, they must remain flexible to adapt. Good submissives are good listeners and act on what they learn. They don’t get stuck in “the way they’ve always done it” and, in fact, are usually looking for better ways to achieve the tasks assigned to them. They need to seek to understand and internalize my preferences and expectations and allow themselves the freedom to adjust to fulfill them. They believe they can always do better and seek out constructive recommendations for improvement.

There’s great value in a good submissive. They make your life easier; simpler. A good submissive is easy; you just find yourself being able to use them and rely on them. Good ones are a pleasure to have around and generate positive energy.

If you find yourself having to work harder to maintain a submissive or find yourself having to play games in order to get them to do what they committed to do when they submitted to you, they are likely missing some of the characteristics I’ve listed above. Figure out what those are quickly – and inform the submissive to make the changes needed. If they don’t, or aren’t willing to – then “cut bait” as quickly as possible and get out. It will only be a matter of time before the frustration wears you down.

If, however, you find yourself a great submissive – they’re worth their weight in gold! Use them, mold them, and custom fit them to you. They will appreciate it and your life will be lifted by having them around!

The Ins And Outs Of Service Topping

December 5, 2020 By Joji Sada 3 Comments

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I cannot speak for anyone reading this but living during a Pandemic has had a serious impact on my BDSM time. While I am one of the lucky ones who lives with their partners, the lack of social interaction has pushed against my abilities to get into the proper headspace for play. One of the things I look forward to every year is party season. Since I live in Idaho, the last week of May to the first week of September is our party season. Otherwise, it is too cold, too wet, and far too snowy to be able to play.

Parties are intensely euphoric. The amount of people, the adrenaline, the excitement, and the play itself, usually lend to a high spike of dopamine. It also leads to some of the heaviest drops I have ever experienced. Those drops can (and are) made worse because Master is a Service Top, and I am an empath.

So, since we are unable to lay you on our table, I wanted to share a behind the scenes look at what a party looks like for us as well as the aftermath of our time with you.

Fittingly enough, our parties have been held in the upper level of a barn for a couple of years now. As odd as it is to have a trip of goats below us, you stop noticing it by the time the party begins. You walk up two flights of narrow stairs, and you are facing an empty floor. Well, you would be, had we not been there three hours before the door open to set up. Straight ahead from the stairs, against the farthest wall, is a hand-built St. Andrews Cross. Next to it is a folding table with some of the toys we keep for the public to use. At the other end of the same wall, is a Rope Spider Web. It stands just shy of seven feet tall and is wide enough to put two people on at once. Next to that, hangs more public toys. It is a variety of floggers, canes, paddles, and even a nice strip of Firehose (for the adventurous type of course). Right underneath the hanging toys is the sawhorses. Master converted them from garage use to play use. They are painted black and red (his colors) and the top has been fashioned with a removable cushion (so they remain useable in the off season). On a side note, the force of that strip of fire hose will produce enough force to push your ass off the front of the horse….it is quite hilarious.

Then we have the fencing. Out here, Littles and pets are quite common. So, we fenced off a section for them, that has blankets, pillows, stuffies, crayons, and coloring books. It also works well as a place to recover during aftercare.

The next spot is a table with melted wax and another with a stereo. Due to the setting (i.e. in a barn), we paint the melted wax on with brushes. It allows us to both be artistic and keep a relatively clean area. The stereo is there to set the mood and often helps keep some of the scenes more intimate since it blocks the overlay of multiple conversations (and cries of pain/ecstasy).

And lastly, right at the edge of the stairs, stands two built-in tables. Laid on the table is three wands and several cases of implements that lend well to Electrical play. We have the light bulbs for those unsure of their interests (since bulbs are generally light feeling—like bubbles on the skin). Then there are metal kitchen utensils, cat claws, chains, knives, and a variety of other items that will honestly intimidate most people. It is both a creative and impressive layout. (and yes, each bit must be taken up by either myself or Master—then again, who are we kidding, it is taken up and set up by me).

Draped in a white sheet, is the massage table. Though comfortable, it can easily be converted with straps to hold you still and leave you feeling quite electrified. Pun absolutely intended.

This leaves the center of the loft space for interacting with others, class/educational space, a place to spectate, or additional room for floggings and spankings.

Parties take months to prepare for. If you ever get to go to one, please thank your host. They have done far more behind the scenes than you will ever be aware of.

The parties we had planned this year (before the pandemic) were planned right after party season of 2019 ended. We had planned a Luau, Pirate themed, Halloween in July, Leo and Leopards, and a Leather and Lace party.

Sounds like a lot of fun. And I am sure it would have been. But we know how that turned out.

Generally, our parties have a turnout of 20-50 people. Our August and September parties are by far the largest.

With that said, I want to give you an idea of what a party of that magnitude leads to often: Service Topping.

The term itself has a few different meanings. I am going to stick to what it means to us.

Service Top: a person who Tops another individual, whom they do not have a power exchange with, in a scene.

Due to Master being one of the few who does Electrical play in our area (and the only one with as extensive a collection of implements), people will often come to the party to get a tasting.

Tasting: a short, introductory scene that allows people to try something new in a safe environment (as a reminder, we do not include sex in any tasting, nor do we play with anyone who has had a mind-altering substance such as alcohol or drugs).

This generally means a 5-15-minute scene that starts off exceptionally light and only occasionally gets more intense.

There are a few of us who ended up with a Sadistic scene the first time…but those were exceptions to the rules. Back then, before I was with Master, I laid on his table and I made two mistakes once I realized I couldn’t feel any of the lighter zaps: first, I laughed (at a Sadist) and second, I asked if that was all he had (again, to a Sadist). What followed was one hell of a good scene. Apparently, tastings are just not my cup of eletrici-TEA.

I know, my puns are terrible. I hope you snickered anyway. I’m here all day.

There is one major factor of Service Topping that no one ever talks about. The fact is, you only get short scenes. That means that you most often do not hit Dom space, are up and down with energy highs, and are utterly fucking exhausted by the end of it.

For example, Master usually gives tastings for several hours at a time. One right after the other. So, over time, Master and I have developed a routine. I negotiate with the next person as he works on the current one. I let them know the rules, how fabric interacts with electricity, screen the health questions, and verify the limits. Then I relay the information and while I wipe down his gear and table, he connects with the one I’ve just negotiated with, introduces himself, verifies the information I told him, and helps them onto his table.

I keep watch on everything happening. Electricity can burn skin. This means that even a light tasting can leave you covered in marks. Master always rubs them down with burn gel (to prevent any issues), asks if they need anything, and then I check in on them later in the party. You can never be too careful, and I find some people are just more comfortable talking to a submissive.

I also keep an eye on Master. When you have a line of people waiting to be on your table, you rarely get a moment for yourself. That means that I may bring cold drinks, a wet cloth, or food up to his table and remind him that he needs to take a few minutes to rest. It will not help anyone if he ends up on the floor from exhaustion.

We are a good team. He plays with and takes care of others while I take care of him.

Its my favorite part of the night.

Of course, that could be the voyeur in me.

While I may help instruct people on a basic flogging or rope harness, I am not a Service Top. Out here, in our community, they are few and far between. I was lucky enough to corner Master and get a few questions answered. Most of these are questions that have been asked by members of our community out here. I’d like to share them with you.

What is a service top?

Someone, at an event or party, who is there to give tastings of kinky play to many individuals. Generally, play lasts around 5-15 minutes.

How long have you been a service Top?

8 or 9 years

What is your favorite thing to do as a service top?

Electrical play (I should specify that Master also does impact play and fire play)

How do you negotiate?

I let my subbie do it. She knows the questions and gives me the answers. It saves time. It is general questions. Are you pregnant? Any medical devices in the body? Any metal in the body? Any areas you do not want touched? Have you done this before?

Do you follow up on people who are on your table?

I try to. It depends on the person’s reaction and how intense we played.

Do you prefer in depth/longer scenes or tastings?

Depends on my mindset.

Do you develop favorites to play with?

Yes. There are some that I enjoy their reactions and if they come back to my table, it is fun to play again.

Do you find it harder to abide by limits since you play with so many people?

Yes. I will ask someone to remind me again, even if we have played before. Just to make sure I stay within their consent.

Why do you service top?

I enjoy being able to introduce people to new sensations. Something they may not otherwise try

What do you get out of it?

The enjoyment of introducing someone to something new. Introducing the possibility of a new kink

Is the drop different when you service top?

Yes. You are dealing with so many people. More exhausting. Longer recovery time. It is often hours of nonstop play as a service top versus a shorter one on one scene

What do you wish people knew about service topping?

Most Service Tops do not have time for aftercare. It is something that should be in place by the person before we play.

Service Tops generally specialize in one area. We know other types of play, but we have what we do best.

Service Tops need taken care of too. We do this rollercoaster of adrenaline rush and then a drop. Up and down. For four to ten hours. I have done as many as forty people in a single night. There is little time between scenes. Especially since electrical is edge play that isn’t often seen where we are at.

I hope this has given you a little more insight into Service Topping. Please keep in mind that what happens in “pick-up play” varies from dungeon to dungeon. But I hope that should someone take the time to give you a tasting or even something you’ve been craving, that you remember what they go through in a single night. It takes just a moment to thank a Service Top.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Video: Submissive Training: Slave Positions

October 4, 2020 By Kinky Assignments 2 Comments

Submissive Training: slave positions. For Dominants and submissives in a BDSM relationship

Watch this video on YouTube

Interested in submissive training?

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Then, check out this informative video on slave positions brought to you by Kinky Assignments!

Anticipatory Service: Is it Right for Your Dynamic?

September 5, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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People’s preferences differ. Dominants are no exception. One topic that generates lots of debates among dominants – and therefore, confusion among subs – is the area of Anticipatory Service. To some (myself included), having a submissive who is so in-tuned with my definition of dominance and submission, that they can consistently accurately act in accordance with my preferences, without needing to be told and without needing to ask for permission, is the pinnacle of good submission. To others, it’s a repulsive idea.

When I mention Anticipatory Service, I’m often met with, “Subs make terrible mind-readers!” I respond that the notion that anticipation requires reading someone’s mind is completely erroneous. Yes, anticipatory service requires that the sub be focused on the dominant quite a bit. They need to remember things, be observant, and present. It requires that the sub be attentive, empathetic, and a little intuitive. But they’re not expected to be a mind-readers. Rather, they’re expected to internalize their dominant’s preferences and apply them to their decisions.

There are dominants who prefer that the sub never take the initiative to act on their behalf and to never make their own decisions. They may allow the submissive to make suggestions, but never to act without instruction / permission to do so. They prefer the method of “Recall and Obey”: Only allow the sub to act on their own when it’s in response to a standing directive (e.g., Every Tuesday AM do this…Every time I do that, you do this).
For me, this plays on the difference between “Information” and “Instruction”. Information provides the “Why” of a request, whereas Instruction provides the “How”. If I inform the sub that I want something done and provide the basis for them to determine what “correct” is, they are given the responsibility of determining how to do it to my expectation.

If I provide instruction, they are to “obey” and follow those instructions. In my opinion, a sub following instructions will, at best, meet expectations – whereas a sub who is given information can exceed those expectations. For me, a sub who can exceed my expectations is a top-notch sub!

To clarify this distinction, I propose the following scenario:
Let’s say a dominant tells her sub, “From now, until I tell you otherwise, you are to bring me a glass of wine with a bowl of fruit each evening when I sit down to watch TV.”

The sub does so, each evening: Recall and obedience.
Tomorrow, the dominant has an appointment with the doctor and will be getting her blood taken to test for blood sugar levels. The sub knows this and knows that she cannot have the sugar from the fruit, nor from the alcohol, but it’s slipping the dominant’s mind – and she isn’t telling the sub to do anything different.

The sub has some choices:

1. Pure recall and obedience would edict that the sub does what he’s told to do, anyway – as he wasn’t told NOT to do it…so he would blindly obey. He brings the glass of wine and fruit, obediently.
2. Inquire, don’t act: The sub reminds the dominant of her blood test the next day and asks if he should bring the wine and cheese anyway. The dominant would then tell the submissive if she would have something else instead.
3. Anticipatory: The sub reminds the dominant of her blood test the next day and shows her that he prepared an alternate snack that doesn’t impact the blood work, and offers it as an option to her. If the alternative is not what she wants, she’ll send him off for something else, otherwise, she’s all set.

Given this example, some dominants are going to choose #2; not wanting the sub to act without permission. Frankly, I don’t see too many choosing #1, as that strikes me a bit more like fantasy play than reality. You all can likely guess that I’d prefer #3. I don’t mind allowing the sub to use their minds and not rely only on me.

If my sub were choosing the alternative snack for me, it wouldn’t be chosen out of the blue – nor would it be chosen because he miraculously “read my mind” – it would be chosen based on his best understanding of my preferences, the situation as it stands, (in this case) his knowledge of blood tests and the impacts of what I ate / drank prior to drawing the blood, and any other factors that might influence my preference (e.g, What I ate earlier in the day – if he knows that, if I will be working out later – if he knows that, what I’m having for dinner – if he knows that, etc.).

All of those “If he knows that”s are important to note. He’s not expected to know everything – he can’t read my mind. He’s expected to take whatever he knows and use it to make his best, educated, anticipation. Obviously, the more in-tuned he is with me; the more he is aware of my patterns and the way I prefer to handle situations, and the more observant he can be – the more educated and accurate his anticipation will be. This would give him the best chance of arriving at a solution that will please me.

And if he doesn’t get it right, that’s OK too. I don’t get mad at my sub if he anticipates incorrectly – as long as he was truly trying to the best of his ability and as long as he learns from his mistakes. If he gets something wrong (or not right), then it’s a learning experience that will influence and improve his anticipation skills in the future. We’re in this, together, for the long haul.

I assure you, that when a sub gets it right and comes up with something PERFECT that I, myself, might not have even thought of – exceeds my expectations – that’s heaven! Consider that, If he’s obedient, the best I can get is what I can think of. Whereas, if he gets good at anticipating, and is encouraged to do so, I can get surprised by things that may be even BETTER than what I would have thought of! Two minds can be better than one – as long as they’re focused on the same objective (my happiness)!

If you’re a submissive, be sure to take your lead from the unique dominant to whom you’re submitting. Don’t assume anticipatory service is better because Rika said it is for her. You are a student, who needs to learn your dominant’s preferences – particularly when it comes to the style of submission they would like. Also, submissives, don’t try to push your preferences onto your dominant. You might like to never be allowed to make a decision on your own, but your dominant may not like the pressure / burden that places on them. If your goal is to make your dominant pleased with your service as their submissive, focus on their preferences and adapt to deliver to the best of your ability.

If you’re a dominant, make sure you understand and communicate your preferences to your submissives. Usually dominants don’t need to be told that, but you might be surprised how often dominants either forget, or try to appease their submissives. Know what you prefer and assure your submissive understands it. Then expect it to be done the way you prefer!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Introducing The Coatsmen

August 21, 2017 By Vic Sharp 3 Comments

Our contributor Vic Sharp wants to invite you to apply to a new group, specifically for those dedicated to service. Read more info below.

The Call of The Coatsmen

Who are The Coatsmen?

We are an volunteer organization dedicated to the training, development, and utilization of high-end caretakers. Coatsmen serve in a variety of settings throughout the Kink and outer communities. Proceeds from their work funds training and incentives, which are offered free to participants, and a Community based literacy program.

Coatsmen who show promise, via enthusiasm, reliability, coachability and skill attainment, may be matched with Elite members of the Adult Lifestyle Community for additional, specialized service. These become a symbol of status for those they serve; a proud badge to be displayed, and a uniquely treasured resource.
What is a Coatsman?

A Coatsman is an individual who lives to serve both the community and their charge; dedicating themselves to delivering unparalleled, and continuously evolving excellence. They actively seek to better themselves, as an offering to those who desire and appreciate their many gifts and abilities.
A Coatsman is calm under pressure and can provide structure and order in any setting. A Coatsman is honest, speaks with conviction, and acts with confidence. They are a trust-worthy companion, a capable assistant and a loyal friend. A Coatsman is respectful to others, as well as to themselves, valuing their own development as much as those who would have their assistance.

What is the Goal of the Coatsmen?

Ultimately the goal of the Coatsmen is to uplift our communities and those discerning individuals who value personalized service. Toward this end, we hone the existing skills and talents an individual posseses, and introduce new ones in order to make them a well-rounded and universally useful Caretaker.

The Coatsmen offer a complete training curriculum, covering both hard and soft skills; household management, time and project management, event planning and execution, personal security and self-defense training, cooking, bath service, interpersonal relational skills, leadership skills, a host of certifications, such as food handling, basic first aid and cpr, and many other general life skills.

Throughout, we provide somewhere to call home and a group to call family. We welcome all who have a fierce desire and genuine passion to serve from the best of themselves.

You can learn more about The Coatsmen here or reach out to Vic directly via email: Vic.Sharp@yahoo.com

anniebear the maid

October 12, 2015 By Desdemona 3 Comments

Mistress is out again. At coffee, or lunch, or brunch. Probably brunch. anniebear cleans. Sweep, mop, scrub… the weight of metal on wrists, ankles, neck, reminding her of her submission.

Steel wrist cuffs and ankle cuffs supplied by Stockroom.

service

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