Journey

All You Can Eat Buffet: An Approach to BDSM

January 18, 2016 By Mistress Sky 1 Comment

Not everyone is fortunate enough to cross the boundary into kink accompanied by a friend or a mentor. New people might say to themselves “well, I have to look around, see what my options are, and then I’ll figure out where I want to be. I have to see everything first.” That’s the All You Can Eat Buffet approach. So, what might be better? How about a Be True to Self approach. It is far more likely to support a new person’s right to retain control over what they experience and over personal safety.

The wildly experiential nature of the All You Can Eat Buffet can seem attractive to anyone. Why not wield a flogger or cast a whip or drip some wax? We’ve, all, watched other people do it, so, how hard can it be? Someone might feel pressured into saying “yes” the first time that someone contacts them online. Or, they might exaggerate their BDSM experience the first time that someone approaches them at a club. So, it’s “yes” to pretty much whatever this or that stranger encourages them to do.

All You Can Eat Buffet can look like s-types (submissives or slaves) doing whatever a dominant says as a necessary element of their identity as an s-type. That’s fine in a trusting and respectful relationship with negotiated boundaries in which both partners know their rights. “You can say ‘no’ at any time.” Otherwise, disrespect is possible and, at the extreme end, abuse can erode any relationship.

By strong contrast, Being True to Self begins with turning inward. Listen to what feelings are kicking up. Using one’s feelings as a navigation system is a wise move in life in general. It’s a terrific choice as you stroll along BDSM paths, specifically. If a situation feels uncomfortable then turn away. That awful feeling in the pit of your stomach when danger is nearby is a warning. Go elsewhere. Let your feelings guide you toward good people and great situations for you. That’s when your internal navigation system rewards you with “yay,” “that feels right,” “ooh, give me more.” “Personal responsibility and risk management are really the point.”

Doing whatever it takes to stay safe is an important aspect of Being True to Self. Listening to your built-in navigation system is good for the individual and good for our kink communities. We can protect each other. “There are good and bad people everywhere, vanilla or not. Take the time to learn first so you can make informed decisions.”

Our communities are full up with genuinely caring people who think of it as an honor to help newcomers. But it is crucial to recognize that BDSM is a world with open doors, porous walls, and people of every type. So, none of us should hesitate to ask for references and to vet potential play or relationship partners: “I vet people. If I don’t know someone I will reach out to people on their friends list.” You might want to stick with people who are well known in your local community. That’s Being True to Self.

It really is okay to let yourself embrace whatever feels good to you within BDSM and leave the rest alone. In truth, there is no such thing as seeing all that’s available in our kink communities. Design your kink journey slowly and with patience and all the while listening to that internal guidance system of yours. Ask yourself, “What Do I Need?” Ask yourself that question again and again. You have a right to your own personal happiness. Create what’s right for you with the people you choose to interact with rather than be pulled and pushed by external forces. That’s Being True to Self.

The kink community gains yet another strong and alert member when the new person walks about mindfully. That’s one more set of eyes, wide open. Then, it is of less consequence that someone is new. The new person who is practicing Being True to Self has a lot to contribute and that alone makes our kink communities stronger.

Mistress Sky is a tantra practitioner, bondage queen, and hypnotist. Professionally, Sky is a life positive counselor for alternative lifestyles at Gates Counseling. She gives presentations and workshops and writes about Unequal Partnership, the dominance/submission model that she developed over the last ten years.

anniebear Interviews Submissann

January 18, 2016 By anniebear 1 Comment

anniebear: It looks like you have your hands in a bunch of different groups and projects. You’re obviously very active within the community, specifically with the pony and critter play. And you also have written a few books on the subject as well. Could you elaborate on what the main focus of your time is right now?

Submissann: Well, everyone has to make a living, so when I’m not doing that – my hobby is pony play. I really really enjoy it. Since my living is being a professional submissive, I sort of look at that as this book called The Marketplace. There’re several books actually by Laura Antoniou on The Marketplace.

Yes I’m familiar!

The characters get two year contracts and they get money for that, put it in the bank and their contracts have limits. It’s all written up. So, I look at being a professional submissive as a short term market place slave where my contracts are one hour, two hours, sometimes I get four days or a week but very short term compared to two years. Then there’s compensation for that, compensation for my time. I am very fortunate in that every day of my life I get to do certain or different aspects of BDSM because I have different partners that I play with, different partners that buy my time, that give me these short term contracts. Each of them has different interests. One may like electrical or enema play or wax or foot worship. Whatever it is, it’s like I get a wide variety of BDSM play in my life because I have so many wonderful partners that I play with just as my job.

That’s great!

Yea it is. So then if you’re going to have a hobby, it’s probably going to be something a little bit different. I found that just personally, I really really enjoy pony play. I enjoy training ponies and I enjoy being a pony. I first approached pony play from the side of being a pony.

Could you briefly talk about pony play as a kink?

Pony play is any time someone emulates a horse. So, a lot of people of all ages do this just for fun. And that’s really the whole essence of it. It can be anything and it’s what I enjoy about it. It’s when you’re pretending to be a horse, just like when you’re a child playing, it’s a very care free space. You’re not worried about your bills, you’re not worried about your relationships, you’re just playing and having a good time. And in a sense, play refreshes and revives your spirit. It feeds it, makes a special part of you alive. That needs to be fed too. I mean yes, as an adult you need to be responsible but if you don’t play, if you don’t allot some time –I mean you’re supposed to eat and work and exercise but you need play too.

Do you feel in this aspect of play that you can reach subspace* as well as regular more mainstream BDSM play?

Absolutely. There’re different ways that people do pony play. And there isn’t any right or wrong, there’re just different ways that people do it. So Ann Rice has a book on The Training of Beauty and the pony play that she describes in that is more of a slave being forced to be a horse. And they don’t go into what we call pony headspace. But they may fall into subspace, just like a when submissive so into serving they may get a head rush from serving and the adrenaline and the type of play that you may engage in when you’re being forced to be a horse could be such-like you could be whipped or tied down as a forced pony play. That’s just one. Being a slave forced to be a horse, just like a slave collared to a Master, there’s still a power exchange, it still can be a loving and wonderful relationship. So, it can fall into that. But then there’s also people that they have what you might call an inner pony that seems to come out, there seems to be this space we call it pony headspace, and its like almost a dream state. Like being awake and dreaming at the same time. And you have this horse personality. You have this pony personality that comes out while you do that. So that is a different way of playing. And I know people that when they do their pony play and they pretend to be a horse and then they fall into this pony headspace and they seem to fall so hard that they actually don’t remember when they come out of it.

You have to be really careful with them, you have to guide them slowly. The handler has to be very mindful of the pony. I’ve talked to them and what its like for them they very much when they’re a pony, they react like a horse, they have behaviors that are very horse like. They don’t speak, they move like a horse, they neigh like a horse, all the sounds of a horse. When they’re a horse they’re a horse!

I imagine it’s a pretty interesting experience to watch as a spectator.

Yes, absolutely, it’s just amazing. For people that go really hard into that headspace, some of them don’t even remember. When I’m Beauty, that’s my pony name I was given by my trainer Rebecca Wilcox and Rebecca wrote the book The Human Pony. She wrote it while she was training me, I was her pony and I’m in the book. (laughs) I also wrote my own book Pony Play with Submissann. And when I go into pony headspace I do remember bits and pieces of it, I don’t think I remember all of it but I do have a recollection of it. It’s almost like remembering a dream for me. It has an altered quality to it and in fact I went to Burning Man to participate in The Pony Express. And we would get up at five am and I would make breakfast and coffee for my friend, who when she becomes a pony her name is Tindala, and Tindala and I would then transform into our pony selves and we’d get all fixed up and there would be mailboxes around Burning Man that people dropped notes into and then they were collected at the end of the day and sorted out and we would get it and the person that was driving the cart would have the letters and we would deliver them to the people. So I would go off and spend my morning in Burning Man as Beauty and I would remember going to the different camps and communities.

Beauty had a place, I never found it as a human, for Beauty there was “bacon and socks”. There was a huge bowl of socks (I guess what I can determine about that I think that the camp bartered socks). People go there and don’t bring enough socks-people don’t bring money, they barter there, so, there was a huge bowl of socks to exchange. And every morning they would have a great big fry pan of bacon and evidently Beauty just loved bacon. The world stopped for bacon for Beauty. So there would be different places I would go as a pony and then I would come back and I would rest as me, as Ann. Then for the rest of the day I would experience Burning Man. Sometimes I would try and figure out where I had been. Like I said, it was like following a dream because how Beauty sees things and I how I see things is a little different.

That is extremely fascinating. It’s like a dual personality going on.

That’s the closest scientifically that I’ve ever compared the two. Because I tried to figure out where I had been and even investigating-I can tell you the things that I do as Beauty but its like recalling a dream.

Some people do it just because its fun and they like the wardrobe. There are different aspects. Pony play is like this huge umbrella-that’s the other thing I like about it, it includes bondage. The gear and tack you wear because horses – their gear and tack is to control them and communicate with them. There is a lot of people that go to pony play and they do it just for the bondage. They do it just in their own room, they get on all of this gear and tack because they like the way that it is heavy bindings and even putting on horse heads that encompass your whole head in leather, that’s quite heady and sends you off in a different space. There’re many things that can happen in pony play and for other people they like to actually do the games that horses do, you can also do veterinary play you can get a vet check.

That’s pretty funny, how cool.

You can also instead of being a leather pony, you can be a rubber pony, there are people that really like latex, the constrictiveness-like when you put on the catsuits and corsets, it’s like being in a pressurized suit, there is compression. I really love pony play because it made me a much better submissive. Instead of having a conversation, you know someone gives you a command and then you have a conversation about it and then maybe you do it maybe you don’t. When you’re a pony you get a command, you can’t talk and you get rewarded for just obeying, especially when you’re doing something like dressage which is like pony ballet. You (as a Pony) are given those commands and you have to interpret them really fast and do them really fast. So, that’s skill, that getting a command and just doing it – fast, without hesitation.

I remember one time dong a session where the person I was playing with had a stun gun. Usually, it’s used to intimidate you but he had it on and said, “I want you to take this and just stun yourself,” and I just took it and zapped it on my thigh and jumped four feet (laughs) afterwards he was like “listen, that was amazing” and he says “why didn’t you hit your butt?” and I said “well, I was sitting down so the biggest muscle I had was my thigh.” And I just did it, without hesitation without thinking. A command and then, you just do it. There’s a certain headiness in playing that way.

What type of groups and events are there for people that might be interested in this?

There might be local groups- in 2009 I started the Los Angeles Pony and Critter Club because I wanted to have other ponies to play with and the nice thing about having a group is that you can do Fox Hunts and Derby’s and you can do things that take not only more than one or two people but a group of people in order to do them; so, people might find in their area a pony or critter group or some kind of animal role play group. There are also dedicated pony play events. I produce the Equus International Pony Play Event. That’s a full weekend of Cart games and English games and western games. It’s just like if you go to a western day with equine horses where you have barrel racing and pole bending, we have all of those games that we do and we judge and get ribbons and its just like that. You can find social groups to play with. Down in the south there’re now Ponies on the Delta. In February, in Las Vegas there’s a Dog and Pony Show as part of the event – Sin in the City. Thunder in the Mountains in Colorado – they have a great big track in the dungeon to do your pony stuff on. Camp Crucible out east, they have a Pony track, classes, different games, a Pony Show, it’s a ten day camping event.

I was actually looking into Camp Crucible too. Are you planning on going?

Not only am I planning on going to Camp Crucible in May, it’s over the Memorial Day weekend time, I’m actually going to be teaching a class. They have classes on pony play, they have activities to do with the ponies, they have a pony show. Last year, we did their first fox hunt. They have other things to offer, it is a giant event, like a Tea and cocktail parties centered around focus groups, a Rope track, venders….

It looks like a well rounded event.

It is. It’s so much fun and I highly recommend the clit washer.

The what?!

The clit washer. You can Google the clit washer and the guy that has made it-its this great big device on this little trailer and he comes through the camp and you must experience the clit washer. It’s not a complete experience of Camp Crucible without it.

Thanks for the recommendation!

You’re very welcome. Take your friend with you because you may be a little wobbly. It’s hard walking afterwards. They do have a lounge.

The Los Angeles Pony and Critter Club, we have a very active group with not only myself planning events-we have two Fox Hunts, Cart & Sled Trot & Romps, and a Derby Day; we also have a lot of puppies and Pepper Pup organized an event for them. We just had a Puppy Palooza. It was a puppy and critter event. “Every dog has their day.” Up in San Francisco there’s Stampede and in Atlanta there’s a pony group, ARC. In Florida, there’s a lot of pony play and they have a great event there as part of Beyond Leather. It’s called International Pony Play Championships.

How cool is that? Well it sounds like you maybe prefer the pony play over the submission would you say or the pro-subbing?

Well it’s like with anyone and their hobby. If your hobby is running your electrical trains, you do your job and then you run home and do your hobby. Now, I love my job. I learn so much from it, I learn from the people I play with, it is really really rewarding. I’ve even had people that I am the guide for them to go from having a vanilla life because they know that they can call someone and buy a submissive or buy someone to do their BDSM play with, but then if they really like it and their life is accepting for more (for some people only do that – buying a safe partner-it is as far as they go because of the job they have or they’re in a relationship), if you’re someone who in you’re life you can do more – I’m always open. I tell people what the local clubs are that they can go to, that they can go to take classes. I can be a bridge for people and its very rewarding to see people that eight years ago they were my client and now there they are with their submissive and they’re in the community and they’re experiencing more of BDSM fully.

That could be extremely rewarding to see I’m sure.

Yes, it is, it’s very rewarding, and for me, I think that if you are a bridge and you go to your job as a positive thing and try to leave the person you see in a better space not matter what that is, it just makes it better. I love my job. If I could just remember all of my shoes when I leave. I’m terrible! (laughs) I get a little spacey afterwards so it’s really hard to clean up everything. Sometimes I have to go back and get my shoes. I have submissive shoes-I guess as Dorothy had her ruby red slippers, I have submissive shoes.

Well I guess if the shoes are the only thing you leave behind you’re not doing too bad!

Yea I think so!

Going briefly back to the pony play, are there any safety hazards or dangers that people should be aware of before engaging in pony play?

Well there are things that could happen. I think that your activity can be limited depending upon your physical abilities. There are certain, you know science and laws of physics things-if you’re pulling a cart and you’re running really hard you shouldn’t try and stop on a dime because the weight of the cart can push you down on your knees. Its important that you play with and learn from people that have this knowledge so that they can take care of you.

It sounds like it’s like with any BDSM activity, it is best to learn from someone who has some experience rather than just trying to go for it. Studying up on it a bit.

Absolutely. I mean when I was beginning out, I would go to a club and I would sit and I would watch people playing with other people and I would watch how they interacted and how they played and not just whether they flogged really well but also how they interacted afterwards. Did they just walk away or did they take care of them, make sure that they had water. Its sort of like if you go out to eat with someone you’re dating, one of my rules about dating is if I go out to eat and the person I’m with treats the waitress really nice and leaves her a tip, is gracious and respectful, this is a good find, as opposed to a person who dogs the waitress, is disrespectful turns the salt shaker upside down, you know! It’s the same!

When you’re beginning as a submissive and you’re looking for a play partner you want someone who not only has skill experience but has people experience. The same with pony play. I sought it out. At the time, 2005/6, I learned Stampede was the only group I could find people that did this. And I went to their munch and that was where I met Rebecca. I talked with her and she said that she would meet with me and train me as her pony. And just like dating, when you’re meeting a new person (just like regular life), it’s the same thing. When you’re learning something new, you don’t sell everything you have and move to Antarctica. You should take things slow, step by step because that’s the natural progression of things. When I look at life I think it is a natural progression of life to “Be, Do, Have”. You be a pony and do the things that ponies do and then you get all of the equipment. You gather things rather than going and buying all of this stuff and then doing it and then being a pony. It’s the opposite way. Got it?

That makes total sense. I think people go in full bore with all their stuff and they don’t necessarily know how to use it.

Right. I think the more natural progression-you can be a pony, you don’t have to have all of this real expensive exotic stuff. The other thing that’s dangerous-the bits, you can use a regular horse bit. There’s something called Sealtex- it’s a latex bandage and you actually get it at the tack store because even bio horses, they wrap those metal bits in this sort of spongy bandage latex stuff and the horse can chomp on it and not break their teeth. Horses actually have a space in their teeth it falls into, we don’t have those as humans. You need to be careful of your teeth if you’re going to put a bit in there.

You can actually make everything out of rope. I’ve been with my granddaughter; it was her idea, it wasn’t my idea. My granddaughter and came to me one day and said “Grandma be my pony” and she had her rope and put it in my mouth and she got on back of me and wanted me to be her pony.

I’m assuming she was a child that was play acting?

Yes, a wonderful child (laughs) but that’s a very natural thing, it’s a very child like thing to do, it’s a natural play activity. And so, I pretended to be her pony and when I was tired she called her brother. She said “You can be my pony now.” She has all the makings of being a terrific trainer.

And from the other side if what you enjoy is training animals, animal role play can be very very rewarding in all the aspects of it: in grooming your pet, in taking care of your pet in training your pet, and just all of the fashion. I love equestrian fashion. It does everything for me. There’re many levels to it

So you mentioned you first got into pony play by going to that munch. Is that the very first thing you ever did in the lifestyle or were you a submissive before that?

I was a submissive before that. I came into BDSM because like most people, you are drawn to BDSM. There’s something that you like. Nobody told you it was kinky, it was just something that you like. When I was a kid we had lots of TV programs. I loved Superman because you have the beta man, Jimmy Olsen, and Louis Lane that always got tied up and then Superman rescued them. Or we had Dale Evans who got tied up on the Roy Rogers show or Penny on Sky King got tied up. So, we had as a child and as a TV program watcher, this sort of role model and we would go out and play and recreate that. And I found as a child that not only did I like the person who would capture me and tie me up and tease me, I liked that person just as much as I liked the person who rescued me. And nobody told you as a child that that’s kinky -you just know that you like it. When I got older in order to keep my relationships exciting for me, I would call up my boyfriend and I would say “I’m at this bar and I’m going to be here, maybe these guys will try and pick up on me and you have to come in here and pretend that you don’t know me and you have to win me over just like anyone else here.”

So, I would set up this role play and it was like setting up a situation where instead of being with someone with the same old same old, I was setting up a role play where they had to figure out how to slay the dragon and win the princess and it made it fun and then you went home and you would have hot sex like the first time. These things-nobody told me this was kinky. These were just things that I liked. And so there came a time in my life, it was after I was divorced that I met someone who wanted to explore more of this and I never saw any magazines. I never saw any videos. I didn’t understand it all – what they wanted – but I decided to trust him and just do it. So, it was just this one on one thing and it was great.

There was that person that I learned to play with and then we broke up and I was heart broken. Not so much about leaving and not being with him because that relationship-we didn’t quite mesh very well. I was heart broken that I thought they were the only one in the world that I ever thought I was going to be able to do that stuff with. I’d never find someone else like that and I’d have to go back to having regular sex with no handcuffs and without that play.

That’s like a death sentence.

Yea, it was like a death sentence, I cried and cried. You know, thank god, I was a single mom and I had to buck up and raise my kids and go on. Two years later I was on a date and the person took me to a Goth club in LA. In the late 90’s you could go to a Goth club and they would have a flog, paddle and tickle parlor where someone would come in and they would –oh my gosh I remember the first time I was there. The Red Sea divided and this handsome man with flowing red hair came waltzing through with his Bag of Bad and went up to the stage and flung open the curtain and there was a St. Andrews cross. I didn’t know the name of it then but that’s what it was. And there was a line and the women that went up there and they got spanked and they were flogged. And that was how I found the community. In Los Angeles there is a club called Bar Sinister and on Saturdays you can go there, the play is up in the loft. For a lot of people that is their entrance to BDSM. Maybe that’s as far as they want to go. Other people can go from that and the people there will tell them there’re private clubs like Sanctuary and Lair de Sade and the Bordello of Decadence. So you can pursue it more and you can find even more serious players. We have a great event in April now called Leather Heat that slave Bren produces. It has the who’s who of leather presenters presenting. All kinds of BDSM and kink and you can register and take classes and then they have dungeon time in the evening. I’m doing a class on pony play. There’s lots that you can do. That was how I found the community. And it was by chance.

All of that sounds really wonderful and I know it’s probably been quite a journey for you with all of your experiences.

Yes, how I got into pony play was Ken Marcus, a fantastic world renowned photographer. He had a whole history of doing photography of pony play and of pony girls and he hadn’t done it for a while and he gave me an assignment and he said he wanted to shoot it again and I had to put together my outfit. I would have this great photo shoot and I’d get to be photographed by Ken Marcus and get to be a pony girl, how different would that be. And so it was, actually-it took like six months. I had to go trying to figure out on the internet and there was this magazine called Equus Eroticus and I contacted the producer of that, Paul Reed, and that was how I was able to get some of the tack and there was this whole learning process of just putting together the outfit. And in doing that research and finding out what a pony girl needed, what tack and things I needed to have to look like a pony girl it became very apparent that being a pony girl wasn’t just a model wearing stuff, that there was more dimension to it, that there was something very –something that called to me that spoke to me and that’s what lead me to driving the miles from LA to
San Francisco to Stampede. That was what started my journey. So we can point to Ken Marcus and Paul Reed and we can blame them. They’re responsible. (laughs)

We can thank them! Send out a big thank you!

Isn’t it great when you’re wandering through life and you have people that make this incredible difference to you and change your life.

Yes, it’s awesome and the community is really really great and we’re really lucky to be in LA where it’s big and strong here.

It’s true. We are. There are still people out in the boondocks that are ponies. You know what’s nice about being in nowhere in Nebraska is that people drive 200 miles to go to the one bar and everybody is at that bar. The trainers, the puppies, the ponies, the leather people, the kink people, the rubber people, they all get along and they’re all there. And sometimes its so nice when you’re travelling and you go to a place like that because in LA we have so many people that we’ve all divided up.

Yes its very fragmented

Yes, you go one place for your rubber and another place for your leather and another for just kink, you know. So we’re very blessed, we have a lot of activity here. A lot of things stewing. I don’t think there’s hardly any night that you couldn’t go find something.

Submissann is a professional submissive based in Los Angeles. You can find out more information and contact her here. Her book Pony Play with subMissAnn is available here.

Opinion: Beauty is not enough

January 11, 2016 By Nookie 7 Comments

anniebear here. Our contributor NookieNotes wrote this compelling observation that is heatedly discussed on a regular basis. Her words really resonate with me. You’ll see why in my response later in the article.

Nookie says:

Last night, I was having a conversation on beauty with a new friend in town on business. It’s a conversation I’ve had many times, and I was sort of musing on it as I walked to my car. I passed a couple of very pretty women dressed up nicely and looking like they were freezing coming out of the parking ramp. One was saying to the other:

“Really, I can’t imagine being ugly or fat. That would suck. I’m so lucky to have good genes.”

The other agreed.

And indeed, they both had excellent genes.

However, what I heard was not just a comment about their self-perceptions of their looks, but also a statement about their self-esteem.

What I really heard was:

“I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough to make it without my looks making it easier. I’m not charming enough to be loved without my beauty. I’m not interesting enough to be popular without my long legs…”

Let me ask you:
• What happens when beautiful people are not longer “beautiful enough?”
• Do they cease to be worthwhile as human beings?
• Are they no longer desirable because popular culture says they aren’t?

And think not just about your answers. I know the answers of my friends, and I love you for it. That’s part of the reason you are my friends. Think about THEIR answers. Think about your young daughter’s answer, or your niece’s answer, or your sister’s answer, or your mother’s answer…

Or your son’s answer, your brother’s…

This is why I love when people I love think I’m beautiful, but really don’t care one way or another whether a stranger thinks I’m fat or perfect, gorgeous or dog-ugly.

Because what I offer the world is SO MUCH MORE than my meat wrapping.

anniebear says:

This is terribly difficult to write and I hope you, my dear readers that come across this will be gentle in your response.

My whole life I have been judged by my meat-wrapping (a hilarious name!). Everyone is judged as such. I have had a different point of view as an admittedly aesthetically pretty, white, blonde girl. It’s embarrassing to admit this directly and I in no way want to come across as arrogant or a humblebrag. As Nookie says-looks are fleeting. Only in my adulthood have I been able to find my own personal value beyond my looks. It’s a daily struggle. In a world here the exterior appearance is seemingly the most important, my looks have always been under constant scrutiny, the first thing anyone notices about me besides my tall height. In turn, I’ve learned to seek this validation from people.

I am guilty of speaking those poisonous thoughts that Nookie overheard those pretty girls speak. I am just as insecure because I know this is temporary. It is an obsession. What will I do after it’s all gone? The BDSM lifestyle has helped me leaps and bounds to see beyond all of it, to see my future more securely and clearly. To see that I have more than my appearance, that I am more.

I believe my life has been easier because of my exterior appearance, but at the same time it has been more difficult. It’s harder to prove to people you have intelligence. It’s embarrassing when people tell me they are “surprised” by my developed personality and quick wit. I’m quick to negate people when they compliment me on something that involves my mental capacity or a good job performance. I dread certain social situations with men. It’s deflating to not get a job because I don’t “look” smart enough.

I have had friends and strangers tell me how “lucky” I am, that I am “blessed.” These people hold beauty to the same high, unattainable standard. These people, though well intentioned are just as superficial as I have been raised to be. It is a fight against the norm. I will struggle to be relevant and retain value when I am older.

I urge you all to help us move beyond this, as I am learning to do.

Nookie is a mostly FemDom-leaning North Carolina kinkster with a wide variety of interests, and a penchant for writing and teaching. She and her work can be found on Fetlife and tumblr.

Know Thyself

January 11, 2016 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

Know thyself. I say this a lot to my classes and my clients. I have lived and continue to live in a way that I discover more about myself every day. One thing this community and lifestyle can teach you are lessons about who you are, what your limits and boundaries are, and what you strive for. Over time these things can change of course, however growth and commitment to self-exploration are essential.

Many of us do this as we go along in this world. It’s not like you go through a phase of life where you learn everything about yourself and then you’re just done all of a sudden. I believe we should be growing and learning until we die. So it’s not exactly reasonable to tell people to not live this lifestyle or begin to explore until they have everything figured out. It is however, reasonable to ask people to at least begin the journey of self-exploration and really start working hard on major issues before they enter into a serious D/s commitment with another human being. Whether it’s issues from childhood or baggage from past relationships – these things should be addressed with serious concern and attention. I’m not saying if you discover something that needs work and you are already in a relationship, to break it off and seclude yourself until you figure it out. However, if you aren’t yet in one – take advantage of this time to sink your teeth into issues that may come up in a dynamic.

Now, many people think this is mostly a D-type issue. That you can’t lead or be in charge of an s-type if you don’t have your own sh** handled. While I agree that if you are a D-type you should certainly be working on yourself and have the ability to maintain control over your own life before taking the lead of someone else’s, I definitely don’t think it only applies to D-types.

S-types also have a responsibility to work on self. We commonly talk about triggers when it comes to play and perhaps working through negative emotional reactions when dealing with poly dynamics or other issues the D-type introduces. However, an s-type needs to also be working on his or her self as an individual. An s-type cannot depend on their D-type for everything. First of all, be a whole human being with individual thoughts, interests, hobbies, and friends. Learn to develop personal boundaries and respect for yourself and those around you. These are all things that will support you in contributing to your relationship and your dynamic. Secondly, heaven forbid the D-type is gone – whether via break up or death. The s-type needs to be able to function independently. Otherwise their choice is what? Flounder around clueless or desperately chase the next relationship which may be unhealthy just because they don’t feel they have a choice? This is not ok.

I grew up with a mom who used to tell me that getting an education is incredibly important no matter my life plan. She would tell me she would fully support me if I decided (after getting a degree) to be a stay-at-home wife and mother for the rest of my days. However, if anything happened to my partner (divorce and death are rarely expected) she would know that at least I had an education to fall back on. This is a very similar concept when it comes to developing yourself independent of your current or future partners.

As a D-type you should encourage your s-type’s growth, as you continue to grow as well. As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, continuously work on self. You can’t afford to ignore major issues. If other people point out a problem, don’t let ego get in the way. Stop and examine what they’re talking about. Be willing to explore and change/work on what you need to.

Know thyself on either side of the slash. It will do you, your partners, and this community a lot of good.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Help! I’m kinky but my partner is not

December 28, 2015 By anniebear 4 Comments

This article is in response to the numerous questions we receive from readers on this very subject. Usually, the question goes:

“Hello, I’m recently kinky (or have been for many years) but my girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband is not. How can I get them interested in kink and BDSM?”

There are a couple of ways to go about this, but first we have to get one thing out of the way. The debate rages on as to whether or not people are “born” kinky or if it’s a learned hobby or interest or some mix of both. For the sake of this article (and my wishful thinking), we’ll assume almost anyone can have a learned interest in kink.

Assuming you and your partner have a healthy relationship and you (the kinky one) have not been sneaking around behind their back in pursuit of your own kinky pleasures, then we can start from a healthy place of open conversation. You must first broach the subject of kink with your partner. Because of the recent trend in kink friendly movies and books-it should be relatively easy to at least open the conversation. Perhaps ask what they think of the whole Fifty Shades of Gray trend. Ask them if they’ve ever had any past kinky sexual partners or significant others. Find out if there is any history or inclination there. Beyond that, you can explore mutual interests. Often times, it just takes an open conversation making sure that both you and your partner feel safe and not judged in this dialogue to get the ball rolling.

If your partner seems hesitant, you could suggest attending some kink friendly events together as a way of branching out or going on a new adventure. No partner wants to be the stick in the mud and most will be willing to try anything once. Start with a local munch so your partner can see that people interested in kink are just like vanilla people. They eat meals and have normal conversations like everyone else. Help alleviate the stigma that surrounds BDSM. Oftentimes people imagine black lipstick, dark and gothic clothing, and heavy metal music. It’s usually not the case (though that type of scene can be quote fun in its own right!).

In this same vein, it’s important to reinforce to your partner that you are opening up a huge part of yourself to them. You want to include them in this part of your life because you care about them and want to enjoy this with them. As the kinky person, you need to keep in mind that in the end, your partner may not have an interest in kink, and that’s alright. It’s entirely up to you whether or not this is gong to be a deal breaker for you. I personally tried vanilla dating for many years before jumping head first into kink. I would never be able to date a vanilla person for the rest of my life because to me, kink is essential to a balanced and happy relationship. But, many couples find a happy balance between bedroom only kink or maybe some rough sex here and there. It’s what works for you in your relationship.

If your partner feels up for it, try some things in the bedroom behind closed doors. Light play such as tickling, light scratching, a long feather, light bondage, and spanking can open the door to a whole new realm to someone who has never explored kink before. Always have the open door of communication. Stress to your partner that they can talk to you about likes and dislikes. Your partner may feel silly at first, trying all of these crazy new things. Remind them to relax and enjoy the ride, that this is just one more experience you are both trying together.

Most decent sized cities have a ton of events geared towards new people. Check out your local dungeons (kink clubs) and find out about their orientations and tours of the facility. Here in LA, there is a weekly BDSM 101 class taught by our contributor Jenn Masri, and clubs in other cities offer similar types of introductory classes. There are also more advanced classes focusing on every topic under the sun. There are all kinds of play parties, including those catering to male Dom / female sub play (e.g. Gentlemen in Charge) or female Dom / male sub (e.g. Women in Charge of Kink), as well as lots of more general “anything goes” kinds of parties. All of these will have rules and guidelines to assist newer folks along the way. If you happen to live in an area with a lively local kink scene, find events such as these. Though you may not be super new to kink, you’ll want your partner to feel welcome and informed.

Remember, I cannot stress how important it is to handle this topic gently and with an open and honest heart. Give your partner an opportunity to understand and embrace kink. Do not get angry at him or her if ultimately, it is something that are not interested in. Find out what works best for the both of you.

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

BDSM New Year Resolutions 2016

December 28, 2015 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

It’s the Holiday season here at Kink Weekly. We have lately been featuring a series of articles on public play. But let’s take a New Year’s break. Enough of the serious BDSM; it’s time for some fun! (We will finish the “Public Play” series next year!!!)

As 2015 winds down to its inexorable close, we would like to wish all of our readers at Kink Weekly a Happy New Year. May 2016 be your best year ever!

In the past, I have made many New Year’s resolutions. Some I have kept, but most I have ignored. Still, I continue to make them, as I will this year. Keeping this in mind, I have compiled a list of twenty-one BDSM resolutions that are relatively easy to keep. Many were suggested by friends; others are of my own creation; some I can use to improve myself as a Dom. They are listed here in no particular order as a “sort-of” menu from which you and I can pick and choose a few. I have no intention of keeping all of them. But I think if we make – and keep — some of them, we will improve our BDSM life. So, without further adieu, the list!

1. Resolve to try a new BDSM scene regularly.
2. Resolve to buy a new BDSM toy once a month.
3. If you are a Dom/me, resolve to make your slave write a diary – whether regularly or only for a scene.
4. If you are a Dom/me, resolve to learn a new BDSM technique every other month.
5. If you are a submissive, resolve to learn how to better communicate with your Dominant.
6. Resolve to make regular playtime in spite of work and other demands on your life.
7. Resolve to read your slave contract regularly if you have one.
8. If you do not have a slave contract, resolve to make one.
9. If you are the Dom/me, resolve to push your sub’s limits from time-to-time.
10. If you are the Dom/me, resolve to listen to your submissive better.
11. Resolve to go to a BDSM play party at a local dungeon.
12. If you are the Dominant, resolve to ask your submissive to list his/her favorite BDSM activities and try to incorporate them into your play.(This is one long resolution!)
13. If you are the Dom/me, resolve to be a better one.
14. If you are the submissive, resolve to be a better sub.
15. Resolve to read at least one book about BDSM.
16. Resolve to discuss D/s deeply with a fellow lifestyler, in person or online.
17. Resolve to eliminate one habit your partner hates – such as smoking. (Borderline vanilla I must admit!)
18. If you don’t have a Dom/me or sub, resolve to be a better Dom/me or submissive when you meet a potential partner.
19. If you are a Dom/me, resolve to understand the deepest needs of your submissive.
20. If you are the submissive, resolve to learn the deepest needs of your Dominant.
21. Finally, resolve to go to the gym!!!

Some of these might not apply to your situation. But just making a few of these resolutions might focus your energy on improving your relationship – or giving you better tools to find one. I am sure you can think of other resolutions that pertain to your own circumstances.

If I prod you into making some BDSM New Year’s resolutions – rather than the standard ones (“I will not gamble on the Lakers,” “I will cut down on my smoking,” “I will stop yelling at the kids!”) – you might improve your BDSM life and thus have a better 2016. Which is what I wished you at the top of this article – that 2016 will be your best year ever!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

by Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Dexx Interviews Rev Mel

December 14, 2015 By Desdemona 1 Comment

You’re known as the creator of TSR Network, which I believe stands for “Talking Sex Radio Network.” You’ve interviewed a lot of high profile people in the BDSM community. But today, you’re the one that’s getting interviewed. So you’ve been out of the state for a while. You were taking a break from some of the work that you’ve been doing with the insight series (a class taught at Los Angeles dungeon Lair de Sade)?

Thank you for interviewing me and yes I have interviewed some amazing people in BDSM like Jay Wiseman, Midori and Guy Baldwin. TSRnetwork was the first BDSM site on the net to focus on BDSM and education using radio and video as an education tool. We were before Fetlife and many other sites that are now out there.

Yes, I’m taking sometime off and will be traveling around the country. Have been visiting family and some wonderful friends that are into BDSM. Just taking time off of streaming live shows at the moment and just travel to all the places that I dreamed of going. Been teaching and producing live TV shows for such a long time that I need to take some time for myself.

Right, and how long have you been doing TSR Network for and what lead you to create that?

I’ve been broadcasting roughly over twelve years. I started doing a radio show called the Mel and Phil Show. It was at a time that was complicated to create. You had to record it, edit it, upload it, make an RSS feed and get it out there. It was very difficult to do and time consuming. These days it’s a little bit more simple.

Back then it was called Talking Sex Radio but I moved over to streaming live video and not doing a radio show so we the name to TSRnetwork,com. It was really important to get the message out about our live TV shows on TSR Network .

TSR was safe place for people to go and get information about BDSM because there’s a lot of misinformation out there. I believe in safe, sane, and consensual. In order to stay safe in BDSM you have to be educated. TSR is all about education and without education we would have nothing it would be chaos.

TSRNetwork is site that broadcast live talk shows that talks about education and safety and introduces you to some of the movers and shakers of the BDSM community mixed with a little humor. It’s a very interactive site with a chat-room and a blog with guest writers and such.

You mentioned that a large part of it is motivated by wanting to help educate people. I suppose there are probably quite a lot of people out there who do BDSM or other kinky things in private at home with a partner and never really feel like they need to come and attend classes or other social activities within the BDSM community. Do you think that’s OK or do you think those people should be looking to educate themselves a bit more?

I think that everyone that is interested in BDSM should educate themselves and I think there are many different avenues to do that. There’s so much information online. When I first started out quite some years ago you didn’t have all of the websites and all of the information that is out there now. In the past we had to form communities to meet in person and have a good knowledge base of this lifestyle.

Now with sites like FetLife, Collarspace and my site TSRnetwork.com as we were some of the first sites that a newbies first experience into BDSM and Kink. Basically TSRnetwork was the very first BDSM site dedicated to do live BDSM video TV shows to educate people about BDSM. TSR was a good start if you can not publicly go out into the real world and take classes or learn. I think it’s OK to get your education from the internet in the beginning. Everyone has to do what they feel is right for themselves. There’s no right or wrong in any of this. The only right thing to do is to educate yourself the best possible way for you.

Right , you said some people can’t attend public classes and are you meaning because they are not near to places where they have them or are you talking perhaps more about people who might feel that for whatever reason they cant be seen in public to attending that kind of class?

Well, I feel the reason that some people can’t attend a public class is because some are teachers, doctors or professionals. Some people have children and have to be careful that if they should get discovered then it could hurt them in someway or it could hurt their business. The reality is that BDSM it could hurt them with their employer if found out that they were into BDSM. So many of us can’t live this lifestyle in the open and so that’s one of the reasons why I created TSR Network. Another good reason is that there are some people that do not have munches or dungeons in their city and no BDSM community. In Los Angeles we are very fortunate to have so many different dungeons and places to go. We have munches every single day of the week. But, if you’re in a small peaceful little town and you don’t have a munch to go to or be around other like minded people that are into BDSM. Where are you going to find information on BDSM or Kink?

You’re going to have to search on the internet, order books, start relationships online. FetLife to me is an information site. Its not a dating site to me. It’s where you can get any sort of information that you could possibly want to know. And it’s very valuable as a community to make sure that there’s good information out there. Not only for the big cities but for the small cities that have limited access. It’s those precious people that I broadcast live TV shows for.

I had a young man who lived in Tennessee who watched every single one of my shows. He was never to a munch or dungeon. He was paraplegic and two years ago he died. It broke my heart because he was such a fan of the TSR Network and all of the shows that we were broadcasting live. We broadcast seven live shows a week at our old studio and he never missed a show. It’s people like him that I did this educational informative shows for. Myself and the other hosts truly believe that we are changing the world one vanilla at a time as education comes first.

Wow, that’s impressive.

We were his world in BDSM as he was a huge part of us and the other hosts. That’s why we did it because there are so many people that want to be involved and they cant because of their own private reasons. We have to respect that. A lot of people that go to dungeons and say we’re better than everyone else and we’re attending classes and we’re involved in a live community. I say don’t discredit people that are online. Everyone has to start somewhere. There are a lot of the people who still don’t go to dungeons or munches, but they will go off to a convention and will be able to experience things that they’ve never experienced before. There is nothing like going to a dungeon at a convention or looking at toys that you’ve only seen on a website. It’s pretty remarkable. We are a pretty remarkable community that welcomes all that think out of the box.

Do you think that it’s becoming more acceptable over time for people to be public about BDSM activities?

I think that BDSM is changing. But I think its been evolving, its evolving from the gay leather men who put a lot of our foundation down. Each time there’s a movie that comes out, it evolves a little bit more. We had The Story of O, 9 ½ Weeks, the Secretary and now Fifty Shades of Grey. So every time there’s a movie that’s out or a book, it really doesn’t change who we are but I think it changes the perspective of the outside world to us. We’re still taboo and a majority of the women that have read Fifty Shades of Gray really don’t want to know about the real lifestyle of BDSM. I have approached a few of them and say look I teach classes why don’t you come to one of my classes? They get fear in their eyes and say “Oh no, that’s weird I cant do that.” They read the books but they don’t want to make the effort to experience what its truly like. So I don’t think it has changed us as we are still taboo, we are still private and we still protect our citizens in our community. We have to. And I don’t know in my lifetime if I’m going to see mainstream really accept all of this. We’re paving the way definitely just like the gay leather men. We’re more open, we’re more out there as fashion has dictated to us on what we should and should not wear. But as far ever being acceptable it could happen but we still have to make sure it’s all consensual or else we would have chaos. What we do on the outside world matters and how act and how we show respect. Until the rest of the world catches up to us we still have to live in the vanilla world and at time hide who we are. One can only hope that that will change and if it does not it will not affect us at this moment.

You run the Insight classes at the Lair de Sade? For some people this class would be the first contact that they have with the BDSM community. So do you feel some responsibility to help guide them into the community in a positive way?

I’ve taught the Insight class at the Lair de Sade for over twelve years. I want to teach them about safety, respect, and honor, that this is not a free for all, that there is responsibility that we take when we enter into this lifestyle. There’s so much responsibility. At the Lair de Sade, my class is called S&M Open Forum. I’ve probably taught around 8,000+ people over the years and teaching that class has taught me so much about compassion and love and caring. It’s taught me more than what I’ve taught some of the students.

Could you tell me more about BDSM Pride day? I saw that mentioned on one of your websites.

It’s a day to celebrate BDSM and Kink and to show support to each other in our life choice. We did a live seven hour BDSM pride day marathon broadcast twice. We had thousands of people watching it live as we did the TSR Peoples Choice Awards and celebrated BDSM Pride Day. The BDSM community across the world voted for who would receive an award and had thousands of people submit their favorite people for an award. Over the years TSR Network has had over four million people watch our live shows and come into the chat-room and interact with our guests. Millions have watched the archives that are located on the archive page. When we re-launched TSR after taking a short leave we had over 250,000 watched the live shows over the last year. We as a community have to take pride in who we are and support each other and help to bring a better view of BDSM. Yes we’re taboo and we’re in hiding but there’s no reason why we can’t celebrate who we are. BDSM Pride Day belongs to the community and we hope that in the future that people will start having live dungeon parties to celebrate it and be proud of our lifestyle.

It sounds like you’ve traveled quite extensively around the country teaching, so you must have seen a whole variety of different local scenes and dungeons and clubs around the country. Are there any that are particularly memorable? Are there differences between the scene in different cities that you’ve noticed?

I think we’re all basically the same because we all have one thing in common and that’s BDSM. The community, we have in Los Angeles is an awesome community, its so unique. We are lucky to have so many dungeons and munches and to be so open. But with that also comes a tremendous amount of drama and egos. I’ve found that even in smaller communities have some of the same problems as what we do in LA. And I would love to be able to find some way to eliminate the ego part of who we are in the community but like all communities you will have this problem. Just because I’m a Dominant, Host of my own show creator, founder of TSRnetwork and an educator it does not make me any better than a submissive or a slave or a new person that has entered into this lifestyle. We are all equal in my book. Having a big ego doesn’t do anything for me and I value each kinky person that comes in my life. I live my life with kindness and compassion but carry a heavy flogger, (laughs) always have to have a sense of humor.

Getting back to the question-I specifically really enjoyed the Detroit community. They have an awesome community. I was at Kinkdom a couple years ago and loved the dungeon and people that I met. I was just in Detroit and the local BDSM community reached out to me and were very kind and they went out of their way to take me to a munch and it was a wonderful experience. Phoenix, Arizona has an awesome community too and so does San Francisco. We have good parts of community and bad parts. It doesn’t matter what city you’re in its all pretty much the same as we get to enjoy our kink and our like minded old and new friends. I am grateful for all the people I have meet on my path of BDSM and the respect they have given me. We have some amazing wonderful people in BDSM and Kink.

Are there any states where you think it’s more difficult to be in the BDSM scene because of local culture or government regulations?

Well, here in Los Angles we’re pretty much free to do what we want to do but in small little towns, the local government looks down at anyone who thinks out of the box. I’m not fearful here of anyone coming down on our community, I’m more fearful of smaller towns, because I’ve seen some judgment from communities that look down on people in BDSM. I don’t think we’re going to have problems with the government as the government has bigger problems then who is getting spanked behind closed doors. Are we on their radar? Sometimes we might be on their radar. Especially when they’re gong after human trafficking the government will check out BDSM dating sites and see what we mean by what we call slaves. They’ll go into some of the websites and have conversations with certain people and some people will fall for it and it really had nothing to do with our lifestyle. You’ve just got to be smart and remember it’s all consensual.

It seems in LA in particular, many of the local community leaders are doing a pretty good job of outreach to local government and police agencies to help educate them on what it is we do so they don’t assume the worst. Do you agree that its generally been well done in LA and do you see that elsewhere?

Well in LA , the community reaches out to the local law enforcement and they’re also reaching out to doctors and therapists. Because when someone comes in with bruises all over their body, the first thing they do at the hospital is report it as abuse. What we do is not abuse. We never lift our hand when we’re angry. We never do anything out of abuse, everything is consensual. That’s if you’re healthy and you’re not a predator. We have predators both the vanilla and in BDSM world. Predators come to our community because there are so many that are looking for something outside of themselves and they try to find it inside of someone else. BDSM is not going to fix you if there’s something wrong with you. When you come into BDSM, into this lifestyle, you need to come in healthy, you need to realize you have a voice and no means NO. Always keep your voice. You need to protect yourself, keep things private until you get to know someone. My advice to new people when they’re getting into the community-take a year, don’t do play dates. Get to know us, let us get to know you. Feel us out. Ask us questions, find a mentor. Find a mentor that is there for mentoring the best way with you, not because they want to add you to their family or get something of you. Think before you do anything and educate yourself and don’t let anyone take your voice away. Be aware and take care of yourself first.

What’s the best way to find a mentor?

The best way is to get involved in the local community, to ask a lot a questions, to ask other people-would this person be a good mentor and not just the friends of this person because there any different points of views. A lot of us are well known people, it doesn’t make us good mentors. Some if us are even predators. Just because we’re well known does not really tell the whole picture of who we are. Its pretty amazing, we do a lot of protection of well known predators because they are celebrities in our community, they’re very protected by their fans and they cause a tremendous amount of chaos. When you have been in the lifestyle as long as I have been you know where all the bodies have been buried. It’s like any community, even a vanilla community. But most people are not willing to call out the predators because if they do they will be attacked and that’s really shameful. Every year someone writes a post and we talk about it but its really hard to get our community to participate in actively weeding out the predators. If someone comes to me and ask me about someone I will tell them the truth and some won’t listen so they have to make their own mistakes. That’s just how life is some have to learn the hard way and that’s OK in my books as you have to learn valuable lessons on this life journey. I have made many mistakes in my life and I own it and it’s the mistakes that have taught me the hardest lessons.

Changing topic a little bit, so you’re an ordained minister? Could you tell me more about that?

Yes, and I started the Church of Perversion and Debauchery which is now known as The Sacred Realm. I perform marriages and I perform collaring ceremonies and I also counsel and meet with people, especially if they have any problems in their relationships or understanding why they’re into this lifestyle.

I joke around that if you believe in God or whatever people believe in-if you believe in some sort of higher power that having sex is not bad for us. I don’t think religion should look down on us for what we do. We’re given certain things like compassion, love, and chemistry and sensual feelings for a reason. It’s to teach us and educate us on how to be human and how to love.

Many come to me and I’m there to listen and to help as but as I can. I never judge anyone and try to be there out of love and respect.

I know that there are a lot of kinky people that are also a part of mainstream religion like Christianity and I know that sometimes they feel a little bit torn about that but do you think that BDSM can be compatible with Christianity? In terms of the values and teachings do you think somebody can legitimately be into both?

I don’t think that religion should have any bearing on BDSM. Being sexual is a part of the human factor of who we are. If God or what ever you believe religion to be did not make spanking or the sexual act so exciting then why was it created. Being religious has nothing to do with BDSM as religion is just a small part of who we are. Take a submissive for instances, something happens to submissives when they go into headspace. It’s a part of who we are.

BDSM, sadistic and masochist have been since the beginning of time, its nothing new. We just put a name on it. Pleasure is something that we need as humans and in BDSM we just connect to a different kind of pleasure. Where does one go in sub or Dom space, its a special place for many of us like leaving the body and being God. They go into this utopia, this euphoria, this other place. It’s a lot like meditating or praying. It doesn’t matter how you get to that place its about how your feeling when you get there. If you get it by submitting to somebody and submitting with them and having their love. I don’t think that religion should tell us not to enjoy what we do in BDSM because it teaches us the same foundation; love, honor, respect, and compassion.

If we are a Christian, Jew or any other type of religion belief is not only who you are. If you’re a parent that’s not all you are. If you’re an educator that’s not all you are. BDSM is just a part of the whole pie of who we are. We are more than just one thing as we take this role in BDSM. I’m a woman, teacher, mother and so much more as religion is just a part of me and we all need not to be on the same page as someone else as I’m only responsible for my actions in life. But there is no need to live in a life of shame because I’m into spanking a few bottoms of a willing soul.

Do you have any advice for somebody who’s new to kink that perhaps wants to get more involved, where’s a good place to start?

If you’re new into BDSM go on the internet, start educating yourself, start reading as much as you can. Go to your local munches. Go to conventions. Develop friendships. Talk to people about what other munches to go to. If you can go to a class, take a class. Take a class that can build that foundation first, like an open form S&M 101 class where you can learn about negotiations and etiquette, where you can learn that honesty and integrity has so much to do with BDSM then just spanking someone or flogging them. Ask a lot of questions and keep asking as education comes first. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about being in BDSM. Please remember there is not a street in the United States where someone is being tied to a bed blindfolded or spanked. We’re really not that much different than the vanilla world. Most of all take your time and keep your eyes open and if it does not feel right then it’s not right. Go with your gut feeling as it will keep you safe and get to know your new friends and make sure they are who they say they are. Take care of yourself first and forgive yourself when you make mistakes as we all have made lots of mistakes.

And last but not least, how did you get into BDSM?

I met a young man on AOL and he brought me into the lifestyle and into a chat room and I got to meet a whole bunch of people in this lifestyle in this chat room. I started off as a submissive and I was very very bad at it. I wasn’t well suited for it. I had a very wise Dom who I dated, and I asked him “how come you never played with me?” He said, “You’re not a submissive.” I said, “Well am I a slave.” He says, “No.” And I go, “Well what am I?” He says, “You’re a princess.” (Laughs) I’m thinking princesses? There are no princesses in BDSM! I’ve come to find out that there are. But he said I should try my hand at being dominant. And he was right.

You know Dominant doesn’t mean that you’re always dominant 24 hours a day. You’ve got to find that gentle part of who you are. I’m a kind person, but I’m very sadistic also. And I like tears as it’s kind of a turn on for me.

BDSM has changed me and it has made me a better person. And if it can make me a better person, imagine what it can do to the rest of the people who are just entering into BDSM.

It’s an amazing journey. It will take the layers off of who you think you are and it will create a different reality. I was a willing victim when I came into this lifestyle. I’m no longer a victim. I have grown into a strong woman that has learned to use her voice and I have found so much joy in education new people that walk into this exciting world of BDSM. You never know what life will being when you show up and thank out of the box, I have not regrets in life and very happy about where I’m at in my thoughts about BDSM. I have found me on this amazing journey of self discovery. BDSM has brought me so much joy and some of the hardest lessons that one can learned as it has taught me to stay in the moment of life and think about the past or where my future will take me. I would not be the kind or compassionate woman that I am today if it was not for BDSM and the amazing people I have met along the way. It has taught me to be real and to push ego aside and feel again. I walk in peace, love, joy and BDSM. I’m so very grateful…..

Slave Contracts: Part Two

November 30, 2015 By Baadmaster 6 Comments

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on.” Samuel Goldwyn.

Last week, we presented two “slave contracts”; this week we will offer, as promised, some additional contracts. This group should fulfill all your “slave contract” needs.

But first, some additional observations are in order. (You can skip this section and get to the contracts; no one is watching. Other than Edward Snowden!)

Obviously, slave contracts are a great way to codify your BDSM relationship. Since memories are short, the slave’s duties can be spelled out exactly so there is no argument. And since they can be negotiated – as all contracts can – both Dominant and sub can be satisfied with the terms. But, I offer a couple of suggestions to consider before you sign on the dotted line.

First, from the sub’s point of view. DO NOT negotiate like you would when you are buying a car. Although the relationship can hang in the balance, you must always seem “sub-ly” (if there is such a word) and not be a “pushy submissive.” You can easily ruin the Dom/sub dynamic before you even start by being a “Dominant submissive.”
Second, from the Dom/me’s point of view. DO NOT use your position of Dominance to cajole the submissive into agreeing to terms he/she will later regret. On the other hand, do not cave in to all the sub’s demands (like the “Dominant as submissive” Christian Grey in Fifty Shades.) If you look like a wimp, many a sub will perceive you as a wimp and will walk all over you. Friendly negotiations are the best way to proceed.

And now, here is this week’s selection of slave contracts.

This first contract, and third in this series, is open ended; it is also part of the collaring ceremony. (We will, in future Kink Weekly issues, cover collaring from every point of view.) Much like a marriage, this slave contract/collaring is supposed to be forever. I love this contract; it is simple and to the point. Just add a termination/renewal date, a little negotiating and you have the basis for a killer relationship.

Collared Slave Agreement

Made this __________ day of _________ in the year 20_____, between __________________ hereinafter referred to as slave, and ______________________ hereinafter referred to as Master or Mistress,

Witnesseth: That the said slave, for and in good consideration and in humble appreciation of such care and attention as the said Master may choose to afford the slave, has given, granted and conveyed, and by these Presents does hereby give and convey unto the said Master; All of the slave’s body and each and every part thereof without reservation, every bit of the slave’s will as to all matters and things, and the entirety of the slave’s soul. To have and to hold, all and singular, the above described body, will, soul, and presence, to the Master and any of the Master’s Assigns until such time as the Master determines to the contrary.

The slave does hereby freely and voluntarily agree:

1. The slave shall immediately, diligently, and enthusiastically comply with and submit the slave’s full being to all directions or desires of the Master.

2. The slave shall offer, at all times, the Master absolute respect, shall address the Master only as “Master” or such other title as the Master shall direct, shall position the slave’s body in a physical position subordinate to the Master whenever possible, and shall speak to or otherwise distract the Master’s attention only when granted explicit permission to so do.

3. The slave shall diligently maintain the slave’s body parts in such circumstances as will demonstrate and ensure that they are fully open and available to the Master. In particular, the slave shall never close the slave’s legs in the Master’s presence, the slave shall never wear undergarments at any time, and shall cover no part of the slave’s body with apparel or material of any description, except when the act of doing so and the design of the item of apparel or material are expressly approved by the Master, and the slave shall keep the slave’s body parts clean shaven at the direction of the Master;

4. The slave shall preserve the slave’s body parts for the exclusive use of the Master and the Master’s Assigns, which use shall be the sole and exclusive source of the slave’s pleasure, and the slave shall engage in no act of self-gratification nor any physical contact with any other person, except at the express direction of, or permission by, the Master;

And, the slave does hereby irrevocably declare and acknowledge the slave’s everlasting and unconditional dedication to serving the Master to the Master’s full satisfaction, and the slave unashamedly confesses that prior indulgence of the slave’s untempered conduct by others may have permitted the slave to become afflicted with inferior habits that may prove unsatisfactory to the Master, from which imperfections the slave humbly implores the Master to free the slave by re-training the slave with corporal punishment, or any other means which the Master, in the Master’s unquestionable wisdom and experience, deems effective in directing the slave to the slave’s sole ambition and life destiny of perfectly fulfilling the Master’s every expectation of the slave.

In Witness Whereof, the slave has hereunto set the slave’s hand, and the Master has deigned to seal these Presents by affixing the Master’s collar around the slave’s neck, on this, the day first above written.
_____________________________________ slave

Signed by slave, whose collar was applied and who was delivered unto the Master on the date above-mentioned and in the presence of the below signed Witness or Witnesses.

_____________________________________ Witness
_____________________________________ Witness

Our second – and fourth in this series – slave contract is a rather technical one. I offer it to show you how detailed these contracts can get; you might need a lawyer to figure out some of these clauses. Still, the outline of the Master’s and slave’s responsibilities is clear and is a good indicator of the scope that a slave contract can entail. And its limited use of the safe word — except in extreme situations — is a good example of this type of slave contract.

Enslavement Contract

Of my own free will, I ___________________________, herein known as the Master, hereby accept you, __________________________, herein known as the slave, as my full responsibility and care, of both the slave’s body and mind as of:
the ____ day of ______, 20___, at ____:____ am / pm _____,
until
the ____ day of ______, 20___, at ____:____ am / pm _____.

This period of time will herein be known as the enslavement term.

The Master will command the slave at all times and will expect the slave to seek the Master’s comfort, pleasure and well-being, above all other considerations that the slave may have.

The Master accepts no responsibility for the slave’s pleasure during the relationship described in the Enslavement Documents, during the enslavement term. The Master may, at the Master’s discretion, administer pain or pleasure at any time. Upon disclosure of the slave’s desires for the Master’s consideration, the Master may or may not grant those pleasures desired by the slave. If desires are not disclosed by the slave, the Master takes no responsibility in the consequences of failure to disclose of the slave’s desires even if the slave is unable to communicate those desires to the Master. The Master will re-mold the slave’s body, habits, and attitudes to whatever the Master desires, within the scope of the Contract. If the slave does not change the slave’s actions and speech to express the slave’s changed habits and attitudes, the Master has every right to punish the slave for not adhering to the “Enslavement Contract” in any way the Master sees fit.

The Master expects the slave to learn how to please the Master better. The Master may instruct the slave in any way the Master feels appropriate The Master may administer criticism to the slave in any way the Master feels appropriate. If the slave does not understand the criticism, the way it has been communicated by the Master, the Master accepts no responsibility for the consequences of the slave not understanding.

The Master expects all rights to privacy or concealment of the slave to be revoked to the Master. The Master has the right to ask any question of the slave and has the right to expect the slave to answer truthfully and completely, to the best of the slave’s knowledge. If the Master suspects that the slave is not disclosing the best answer to the slave’s knowledge, the Master may interrogate the slave to acquire the best answer to the slave’s knowledge. The Master understands and agrees that any failure by the slave to comply fully with the Master’s desires shall be regarded as sufficient cause for any punishment the Master deems appropriate The Master also understands and agrees that if at any time the Master disregards the terms in the Enslavement Contract, the slave at that time can dissolve all contracts by uttering the termination word. The termination word is the only safe word that exists during the enslavement term, since all limits of the slave are described herein.
Within the limits of the Contract, the Master has the right to do anything the Master may choose to do with the slave, whether as punishment, for the Master’s amusement, or for whatever purpose the Master desires, no matter how painful, unpleasant, or uncomfortable to the slave.

The Master agrees to take all the experiences that occur during the enslavement term, that transpire in the relationship that has been described in the Enslavement Documents, as a chance to learn and grow, and use them to improve the relationship between the Master and slave, both during the enslavement term and possibly after the enslavement term.

Signed by, _______________________________, the Master,
and

signed by, _______________________________, the slave,

dated this ____ day of ______, 20____.

Much like a Las Vegas buffet, you can mix and combine these contracts to best suit your needs. There is no such thing as a “standard contract.” Yes, a Master/Mistress will be pushing boundaries; but these boundaries are open to negotiation. After all, it is YOUR relationship!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Slave Contracts: Part One

November 23, 2015 By Baadmaster 6 Comments

“The elephant in the room.” You’ve heard that expression a million times. For us at Kink Weekly, the “elephant in the room” is Fifty Shades of Grey. It has brought a kinda-sorta BDSM consciousness to the masses; its effects, both good and bad, cannot be ignored. This article will not address the pros and cons of this film, but rather it will expand on one of the most discussed aspect of it – slave contracts. While BDSM styles, protocols and rituals come and go, slave contracts endure. Slave contracts, to this day, are an integral part of many D/s and BDSM relationships. Why?

First, they are sexy. One cannot get hotter than a paragraph that says, “I will devote myself completely and totally to the pleasure and desires of my Master…”

Second, they remind the Dom/me and the sub of their duties during the term of the contract.

Third, they do render a small amount of legal protection were issues of consent to arise. (One cannot legally consent to being beaten; but a contract with the word “consensual” in it can mitigate some legal concerns.)

Finally, they are fun.

As an exclusive to Kink Weekly, we have compiled a number of slave contracts. After all, one size does NOT fit all. Surely, with the selection we are presenting, you will find a template that fits your needs. And remember, these contracts are subject to negotiation!

This first contract is the one I use. It is not open ended, has some great general rules and contains a safe word. (Although some High Protocol Masters eschew the safe word, I always use it.) This contract covers a lot of the bases – especially addressing “Work Rules of Conduct.” And the “I” is in lower case to reinforce submission!

Master/Mistress and Slave

Of my own free will and out of a desire to express my love and devotion to the man (woman) i love and adore, i offer myself in slavery to my Master for the period beginning on __________ and ending at noon on_____________.
Although i consider myself to be slave full-time to Master, during the time period expressed above, i will devote myself completely and totally to the pleasure and desires of my Master, without hesitation or consideration of myself or others.

General Rules

The slave agrees to obey her Master in all respects. his/her mind, body, heart and time belong to Him . The slave accepts the responsibility of using her safe word (red!) or safe signal (to be agreed upon) when necessary, and trusts implicitly in her Master to respect the use of that safe word. If a condition arises in which the slave needs to use the safe word or gesture, her Master will assess the situation, and determine an appropriate course of action.

The slave shall keep her body available for the use of her Master at all times. In addition, the slave agrees that her Master possesses the right to determine whether others can use her body and what use they may put it to. The Master will discuss all such instances in advance with the slave, to be certain that such play with others will not violate any established limits. The slave shall demonstrate her acceptance of her role of service and availability at all times while at home and at other times and places specified by her Master. The slave acknowledges that her Master may use her body or mind in any manner He wishes within the parameters of safety. He may hurt her without reason to please Himself. The slave enjoys the right to cry, scream or beg, but accepts the fact that these heartfelt expressions will not affect her treatment. Further, she accepts that if her Master tires of her noise, he may gag her or take other actions to silence her.

The slave will answer any questions put to her honestly and directly, and will volunteer any information her Master should know about her physical or emotional condition. While her Master expects His slave to speak honestly and forth rightly about anything that bothers her, she is not to interpret that as permission to whine or complain. she will phrase her concerns politely and respectfully, and then gracefully accept her Master’s judgment in these matters without further complaint.
The slave will always speak of her Master in terms of love and respect. She will address him at all times as either “Master” or “Sir” (see Public Rules of Conduct).

The Master may give the slave “free periods” in His presence during which the slave may express herself openly and freely. There will be no punishments applied during “free periods.” It is understood, however, that the slave will continue to address her Master with respect and love at all times and that deviations from the rule are subject to punishment at a later time.
The slave agrees that severe punishment may be assessed for any infraction of the letter or spirit of the contract, and will accept the correction gratefully. The form and extent of the punishment shall be at the Master’s pleasure, and the Master shall make it clear to the slave that she is being punished when punishment occurs. The Master shall endeavor not to inflict physical harm upon the slave that might require the attention of anyone outside the relationship. Master and slave agree that in extremes either may activate a free period by using the safe word. The free period will continue until both parties agree that the problem(s) concerned are resolved.

The slave is permitted to engage in any and all activities not actively forbidden by the contract or by later edict of the Master. All rights and privileges not otherwise noted in this contract belong to the Master, and He may exercise them as He chooses.

Private Rules of Conduct

On days when her Master is at work, the slave will greet Him wearing her collar, wrist restraints, and a shirt belonging to her Master. She will wear no underclothes in His presence unless given permission. On days when the Master is home, the slave will wear whatever is deemed appropriate by her Master. When in the same room as her Master, the slave will ask permission before leaving the room, explain where she is going, and why. At mealtimes, the slave will serve her Master, and sit at His feet while He eats. Food for the slave will be given by the Master at His discretion. When speaking to her Master or being spoken to by Him, the slave will assume a demeanor of alert attention and will meet her Master’s eyes directly, unless instructed to do otherwise.

Public Rules of Conduct

The slave will conduct herself at all times in such a manner as to not call attention to Master and slave. she will call her Master/Mistress by His/Her name only if the use of “Master” is inappropriate. The slave will defer to her Master in public. The slave may dress herself, but must seek approval of any clothing she wishes to wear in public. Unless specifically stated otherwise, the slave may not wear panties.

Work Rules of Conduct

No part of the agreement is intended to interfere with the slave’s career. The Master wishes the slave to work hard and honestly, in general to conduct herself in a manner calculated to bring honor and respect to them both. During periods of work, the slave is permitted to schedule appointments, to dress in a manner appropriate to work, and to leave the house when necessary. During periods of work, the slave may answer the telephone and discuss business without the expressed permission of her Master. With my signature below, i agree to accept and obey all preceding rules as well as any rules my Master may choose to issue at a later date. i gratefully consign by body and soul to my Master for His pleasure and use for the contract period noted above.

_____________________________________________ slave __________________ Date

I accept My slave’s desire to serve Me more fully, and take responsibility for her well-being, training and discipline to more perfectly serve My will.

_________________________________________ Master/Mistress _________________ Date

For those of you who wish a shorter, more general and yet more sexually based slave contract, I offer the following:

Slave Contract

This contract sets out the conditions of mutual consent under which _________________________ is to be held in sexual bondage and the terms of her enslavement.

Of my own free will, I offer myself in slavery to my Master/Mistress for the period beginning on __________ and ending at noon on_____________.

This contract also affirms that she/he shall be offered the use of a safe word (safe word: _______), the use of which in any situation whatsoever automatically stops any activity at that time.

Slave also has the right to cancel any and all conditions of this contract at any time.

Conditions:
I accept sexual use and abuse of my body while under discipline for any purpose.
I accept that I shall be placed in and kept under strict discipline within the negotiated time limit.
I accept any form of punishment meted out to me while under discipline.
I accept any form of restraint and chastisement, administered as Master desires.
I accept that the various forms of torment to which I am to be subjected may cause suffering. I wish it to be known through this document that I am aware that any such suffering is part of my training program.
I accept that I am subject to the absolute rule of my Master and those to whom he delegates that rule. This may be taken to mean that I am subject to sale, exchange, or loan without redress to those of corresponding status with my Master, but only within the context of this contract.
I accept that subtle rebellion is expected of me, and lack of it taken to the point of docility is likely to terminate this contract.
I accept that no form of disobedience will be tolerated when in the company of my Master, other Masters or Mistresses and slaves and that I must conduct myself precisely as instructed on each specific occasion.
I accept that I remain under the disciplinary code imposed by this contract at all times and am bound by it’s terms and conditions in all situations, whether closely supervised or not.

I _________________________, do set my signature to this document of my own free will, thus becoming the property of _____________________________, in full understanding that I may be used for any sexual or disciplinary purpose whatsoever, without prior limits.

SIGNED: _____________________________________ slave Date: ____________

SIGNED: _____________________________________ Master Date: ____________

Next week, we will be presenting two more slave contracts, one of which will include collaring. With this selection, we hope you
can find the right slave contract for your relationship.

Kinksgiving, share the kinky love

November 23, 2015 By Desdemona 2 Comments

kinky turkey — A trussed up turkey. Photo and “rope” by Rope_Daddy

I remember when I first started my journey in the kink community. After years of just playing in private in relationships, and feeling embarrassed and awkward talking about my BDSM interests, I finally came to my first munch, then another, then a play party. I felt overjoyed that I was speaking with people that shared many of these same interests and desires about bondage, and power exchange, and SM. And they were talking openly about it, and no one was embarrassed!

I had found my people, my tribe, if you will. People who got me. I didn’t have to feel weird any more. OK, I’m still weird. But I found other people who were just as weird, which helped me to feel accepted, and validated, and much more confident to embrace my kinky side instead of feeling ashamed about it.

It took me a while to get here, but now that I’m part of the community it’s wonderful – and the people are what make it. Curious, interesting, funny, intelligent, friendly, welcoming, open, honest, caring. These words describe most of the people that I have met at events in the kinky world – be they from America, Canada, Greece, Australia, New Zealand or England (I’m sure there are nice kinky people from other countries too – I just haven’t met them yet).

With every person who takes that scary first step and comes to their first munch, or confides in a kinky friend that they too might be interested in trying it out, we get a little closer to a world where everyone feels less shamed, and more accepted for their sexuality and kinky interests.

This week is Thanksgiving in America, a time where we reflect on what we are grateful for. But wherever you are in the world, I encourage you to think about your journey into kink and self-acceptance.

Reach out to someone you think might be able to use some encouragement – take them to a munch, or suggest you watch The Secretary together, or tell them about Kink Weekly. Or just open up and tell them a bit about yourself. You might just find that they open up right back. Make it a week of Kinksgiving!

Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it. Find him here.

Journey

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