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5 Things a Love of BDSM Says about Your Relationship

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BDSM is slowly gaining popularity, both among the young and old. But did you know that BDSM sex preferences speak volumes concerning your relationship? Check this out.

Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, & Masochism.

Couples are getting kinkier in 2021 and exploring sex preferences that would be considered taboo back in the good old days. We’ve covered so much about BDSM in other articles, but it appears as though we need a little bit more social proof.

A lot of couples fear getting their hands on BDSM. Some even dread the thought of breaching such a topic with their lovers. That says a lot about the kind of communication you have with your partner. For a long time, scientists and researchers have viewed BDSM participants as pathological, perverts, or abused victims who lack control. But that could not be further from the truth. Research now shows plenty of benefits of BDSM sex preferences as well as an increase in the practices. Moreover, those who engage appear to have their lives ‘in order’ and are not ‘disturbed.’

If anything, more husbands are willing to lose control of their wives and submit to each other’s desires. Indeed, more people are developing a keen interest in BDSM sex preferences, especially after popularizing Fifty Shades of Grey.

But wait, there is more. After consulting sex therapists and relationship experts from the best online dating sites, we found plenty of benefits to the health of your budding relationship. Here are a couple of expert thoughts on what different sex preferences say about you and your lover.

Buckle up; it’s about to get real bumpy.

1. Kinky Sex Preferences Portray Higher Levels of EQ

You’ll need a competitive level of IQ to survive in the marketplace. However, you may need all the EQ you can amass to keep your relationship going. Higher levels of emotional intelligence put you in a better position to handle other people’s frustrations better. BDSM sex preferences in relationships denote a ton of maturity in handling your relations.

2. The Audacity to Explore

Marriage counselors often have to deal with this issue – “she is not attractive anymore,” or “he does not satisfy me as he used to.”

Familiarity has a way of breeding contempt even among the closest of lovers. Routine becomes boring since it brings familiarity. Some couples explore sex preferences based on zodiac signs, while others try something different each week. BDSM shows you’re bold enough to explore the bounds of your horizon. Remember the basic rules if you’re new to BDSM sex preferences.

3. Open Channels of Communication

BDSM is all about losing one’s self to another. It entails submission and domination, all of which are hard elements in day-to-day life. We always want to control everything, from our finances to our health, family, social lives, and everything. Losing control becomes a new feeling for a lot of couples. Communicating that and going the extra mile to set boundaries is even more challenging. But partners who have gone the extra mile often find it easier to resolve other difficulties in their relationships once they explore unconventional sex preferences.

4. You Don’t Give a Darn What Others Say

Your sex preferences speak volumes about how you relate with your spouse and how you connect with the outside world. More conservative people are less likely to explore untypical sex preferences for fear of society’s perception. But such worries are rational at times.

Sex in ancient times was used ritualistically in most religions. We can get hints of how the ancients prized and valued sex from written scripts such as Kamasutra. The Ancient Greek culture probably borrowed BDSM sex practices from the Eastern Mesopotamian Empire. Mesopotamians embraced BDSM and temple sex with goddess Inanna as their justification. They believed such techniques would invoke the goddess of fertility and rebirth. These sex preferences would be followed by sacrificial worship and indulgence in orgies.

In the 21st  сentury, we still practice the same sex preferences more openly, but without the typical ritualistic sacrifices. From that short history, anything deviating from the vanilla couples type of sex has been viewed as ‘odd’ and, at times, a perversion.

Going outside the traditional view of sex preferences portrays boldness and a profound level of intimacy not defined by ‘others.’

That makes us curious, what are your sex preferences? Do let us know in the comment section below.

5. You are Fond of Creativity

Open-mindedness is a fundamental feature for most BDSM couples. Vanilla couples who explore BDSM sex preferences are generally creative. They invent new ways of doing things and get bored with repetition. BDSM can be pretty intimidating to a partner who is content with the usual. That’s why it’s imperative to understand just how much both of you are willing to do in the name of ‘creativity.’

Concluding Remarks

BDSM is more or less similar to saying, “I do!” This kind of consent requires deliberate premeditation about the risks and the intensity of BDSM. You may enjoy a little bit of pain, but that may be a turn-off to your partner. Have genuine communications upfront and research the limits of these sex preferences. We recommend that couples develop a sex preferences questionnaire to understand each other’s fantasies better.

That said, are you ready to experiment outside reality with BDSM sexual preferences?

Davis is a marriage and family therapist. She has worked in a variety of therapeutic settings over the past 7 years providing services to children, adults, families, and couples. She is currently doing specific research on the topic. Miranda loves traveling and hiking.

BDSM Safety Tips

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Ordinarily, I would throw this question into the cylindrical file from whence it came.  It – or some version thereof – had been answered many times before on kinkweekly.  But with the year off due to Covid, and generally less play spaces to keep you at the top of your game, I thought it prudent to take another stab at a safety question. After all, in this new reality, you can never been too careful. I might add, from personal experience, that when I returned to play I forgot aftercare – something  would never have done pre-pandemic.  And so, the following question.

Reader: Recently, my online kink group has been discussing what to do if something goes wrong or a pre-condition manifests itself during a scene. This kind of safety concern is beyond the usual.  So how can you prepare for every eventuality? (My adding: especially in this corona virus era.)

To start, a disclaimer: “It is impossible to prepare for every eventuality.”  If I could do this, I would be working for the President eliminating Covid immediately.  But seriously…regarding medical pre-conditions — there isn’t a list specifically geared to BDSM that you could read and sign before you entered a play space.  Even if there were, who would want to feel like they were visiting a dentist and filling out the medical questionnaire?  (Are you allergic to penicillin?)  But I think an over-arching question – “you don’t have a heart condition or asthma?” –  might open a productive dialogue between first-time players.  Thus one should be aware of any pre-conditions that could be a threat.  With Covid lurking around, one should at least take your partner’s temperature prior to play.  Being vaccinated – no matter what your views on vaccines – is not enough when it comes to dungeon play with many people around.  So buy a ten dollar thermometer and put it in your toy bag.  We do not know how flogging – for example – affects the virus; just be vigilant and if you see the bottom breaking out in a cold sweat it is time to stop play and take his/her temperature again.

Now onto safe words.  Although “safe words are not the end-all and be-all to safety,” they are definitely better than anything that comes in second.  The trick to using safe words effectively (and this seemingly obvious bit of advice might be extremely valuable to you).  Although the standard safe word is “red,” many people try to pick out their own personal safe word.  The “New Guard” wants style.  “Paga”” might be a cool safe word for Goreans, but when panic time sets in and the mind starts spinning, these words might not be at the tip of the tongue.  “Red” works for stop signs.  “Red” works for scenes.  Forget using trendy new safe words.  Use “red.”

I also advocate the use of a safe signal.  When you use a ball gag in a scene, the bottom –unless he/she is a ventriloquist — cannot give a safe word.  So agree on a safe signal based on what type of scene you are doing.  A great one is a shaking of the head continuously left to right — like a “no” signal.  This is unmistakable, and does not require the hands, which might be bound.  Between safe words and safe signals, you have increased safety a hundred fold.

Most BDSM writers always talk about a “safe call.”  In this case the old expression –  “after all is said and done, more is said than done” —  is applicable.  Most people never use the safe call procedure.  But if used properly, safe calls are really good tools – especially when you play for the first time with someone you hardly know.  In this age of the cell phone, it is really easy to have someone waiting for your call to see if all is well – and to arrange for any contingency plans should help be required.

Another safety key is…not playing with unsafe players!  Sometimes there are players who have gained a reputation for being unsafe; most times these reputations — if they are widespread and repeated by respected members of the community — have some basis in fact.  Stay away.  But there are other red flags.  When playing for the first time, a big red flag is when the Top says, “I never allow a safe word.”  They might rationalize it by saying something like, “I am into TPE and do not believe in safe words.”  Well, many in TPE relationships do eschew the safe word.  But this only happens after a relationship is established; eliminating the safe word is generally negotiated after playing for awhile.  Anyone who says “no safe words” right out of the box really hasn’t got a clue.

As for the scene itself, the oft-repeated advice of planning a scene in advance will add to the safety of it.  Some scenes are pretty safe in and of themselves — an interrogation scene, for example.  Others — such as mummification or breath play — are much more dangerous.  Make sure the skill level of the Dominant (as he/she is in control) matches the danger quotient (D.Q.) of the scene being attempted.  And though much of what I outlined here has been discussed before, there is nothing wrong in stating the obvious if it can save you a trip to the hospital. Remember, “Safety isn’t everything, it’s the only thing!” 

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

This week in kink: September 27, 2021

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Woman uses man as a chair in viral video!

Click below to learn more from the dailydot!

‘And they say chivalry is dead’: Woman uses man as ‘boy chair’ in viral photo, sparking debate

Pro Domme tells couples when to have sex!

Click below to read more from the Central Recorder!

Dominatrix shares best time of day to have sex – and you should avoid evenings

PsyPost says that kinksters have higher pain thresholds!

Click below to find out more!

https://www.psypost.org/2021/09/people-who-partake-in-bdsm-have-higher-pain-thresholds-according-to-new-research-61856

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

On Being A Man In The Kink Scene

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My sister died recently and one of my children said in response…”she lived well”…which I found an odd  reaction considering that she had spent many years in seclusion fighting depression, had not been able  to maintain employment, and had otherwise swindled people out of money to survive. I found his  remark, well, odd.  

Even so, his note that “she lived will” had me look at my own life from the point of view “lived well” and  to make an assessment of what that expression implies for my experience of being alive.  

As a boy, I was not particularly aware of myself. I fantasized a lot about life because I spent a lot of time  reading books, many more adult than probably made sense for a kid to read. So, I spent a lot of my  youth in fantasy. I masturbated furiously. I grew up without TV, skin magazines like Playboy and  Penthouse, were banned, and so much of my fantasy reflected the adult books I read.  

As a teenager, I became aware of my athletic prowess, and excelled at all sports. I played soccer, rugby,  cricket, tennis, squash, field hockey, and did track and field. I also swam and dived. I had great balance,  and body control and good hand-eye and foot-eye coordination and I had a high IQ for sports. I was just  not a very big fella, so I ended up growing into a competitive gymnast that competed at the very highest  level thorough high school, and I played soccer at a high level too. In class, I was the “funny guy”. I drove  teachers crazy. I became aware that girls found me sexually attractive. When I was 16, I spent time in  Berlin and hung out in sex shops. I brought home a very kinky German kink magazine that had scenes in  it with bondage, discipline, incest, anal, piss play, and more. My masturbation fantasies changed almost immediately.  

I dated girls from about age 13, although it was all very innocent until I was about 17 or 16, when Pam,  this voluptuous sexy vixen, the high school prom queen, took me into a room at a party one night and  said “I have been waiting to get you alone” and then she pushed me onto a bed and to my delight, she  sucked my cock.  

The girls came fast and furious after that. I fucked as if I was the last man on earth. And I was not at all  aware of my manhood. If she was willing, I fucked her.  

When I met, dated and then married my wife between 5 and 8 years later, I was mostly aware of the  expectations of family and society. Get married, hold down a job, have children etc., and I can now say  with certainty, that I was completely unaware of myself as a man. Sex was largely fetish free. She was  the preacher’s kid after all.  

I first became aware of my sexual masculinity about 10 years later, at age 38, This occurred in part  because while raising children, my wife simply refused me her body. Once she stopped nursing, she  persisted in her refusal. There I was, providing for her and my children and she simply turned off our  sexual connection along with the associated loss of intimacy and relatedness. the next few years were  hard. Sex is my love language.  

I had not signed up for this, so I asked for a divorce. We set about starting that process and realized that  it would be quite complicated. We agreed not to pursue it, and to have a slightly open relationship…a  don’t ask don’t tell policy. It was not workable. I was miserable. I called a lawyer. 

My first real moment of clarity occurred when about 6 years into our estrangement, even as I was still  working on terms of a divorce, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and begged me to “stay and to  make it go away”. I remember, I was speaking to my attorney on the phone, and she called on the other  line and asked to speak to me urgently. I hung up to take her call. She was hysterical and said, tearfully,  “you can’t leave now”. She asked for me help. I agreed. I set to one side my differences with her while  we set about managing and treating her illness.  

During the next 8 to 10 years or so, I learned more about my masculinity as I encountered women who  made themselves sexually available to me and who enjoyed my fetishes. On a gradient I learned more  about the full spectrum of my kink. I also discovered that when submissive women are self-expressed,  

they are more connected to their primal selves and more authentic than I was able to deal with at first. I  needed time to understand the sexual power I seemed to naturally exude.  

When I finally got divorced, I was lucky to meet several self-expressed submissive women who pushed  me to explore the darkest parts of my nature and who gave me access to the full spectrum of kink, and a  glimpse into the true power of a D/s dynamic. It was a bit of a surprise to find so many women eager to  submit. I had no idea. In many ways I was living a sheltered life till then. I learned a lot about my desires  by taking on different Dom personas. I found myself a solid disciplinarian, a sadist who enjoyed wielding  the cane and the flogger. I found chains appealing. I found I enjoyed acts of humiliation including water  sports. I discovered I liked the excitement of kink. Tying up and fucking women was more appealing than  I realized. I also came to recognize newly that for me, sex is indeed my love language, and I was  determined to find a woman who was both horny and an obedient submissive masochist. Even with  access to the full spectrum of kink, I was still empty inside. I wanted, in fact needed the intimacy of a  loving relationship in addition to the kink. In addition to a through the roof sex drive to match my own  she needed be comfortable in her body, and also searching for more than kink and sex. I craved kinky  sex for sure, but mostly I craved the intimacy that leads to a meaningful loving relationship, and I was  convinced that I needed to partner with a likeminded submissive.  

I began to truly discover my masculinity and unlock the power that the D/s dynamic allows as possible.  The deeply naturally dominant male inside me longed for and needed the power of a loving and willing  slut with whom I could accomplished the impossible. I intended to experience my own masculinity more  acutely while she herself realized her own femininity as a corollary. I wanted a partner who would jump  into the rabbit hole with me, hand in hand. It occurred to me that as much as I needed to be a sadistic  Dom, I needed a submissive slut who herself needed to explore her own masochistic tendencies. We  cannot exist at all without each other, and I set out to find her. That much was clear. As I searched for  her, luckily, I found her searching for me. Our good fortune is that we are completely aligned. It’s  perfect. We are deeply connected and aligned in every aspect of our kink and more. We have been  exploring our 24/7 TPE D/s dynamic, stretching each other and growing ourselves. It’s been amazing.  

It’s only now, 3 years in, as the Dominant partner in a Total Power Exchange with Lady Petra that I truly  have access to the deeply dominant masculine nature of my authentic self. What I thought was  dominance has changed completely inside that exchange. I am responsible for her sexuality and her  wellbeing and the impact of that has caused me to use her often and hard every single day, while at the  same time, ensuring that she is deeply fulfilled in her own sexual self-expression. Or as she puts it, I “use  her up”. There is more intimacy than I thought possible. I have learned how to be vulnerable. I have  learned how to meter my power, and how to enroll her in her submission. There is much that has come out of our dynamic, including collaring her that itself has led to such amazing blistering hot sex that I am  filled with desire for her on a daily basis. She is my muse. She is the loving object of my poetry. With her  I am fulfilled as a man like never before. I am also deeply in touch with my primal sexuality. This is new  for me and has only been true for me when I am with her and in the throes of our mutual ecstasy that  we find each other most appealing, and the sex so satisfying.  

She has given me the very best gift a man can have. My manhood. My masculinity. I am deeply grateful  to have enjoyed this chapter of my life so far. I can say now, finally, that “I have lived well” too.  

**Note, this is a personal exploration and not meant to be a commentary on masculinity in general (the author).

Benefits To The Dominant

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!  

A man approached me, asking for help convincing his wife to take him on as her submissive. As they  often do, he explained how she is very demanding naturally: Always wanting to be in control of the  household, always “mothering” him and always telling him what he can and can’t do, etc. He said she’d  be the “perfect dominant”.  

He explained that they had discussed his interest in submitting to her a few times – and that they had  even tried evenings and weekends, where he was her slave. They both enjoyed themselves during these  sessions, but their dynamic reverted immediately after the session was over and she never seemed to initiate it on her own, afterwards.  

He had tried to broach the subject, but she eluded (his word) his efforts. He tried “Stealth Submission”  (submitting to her without her knowing, in hopes that she would like the service and start to demand it),  but she never caught on that anything was happening.  

To convince her to let him serve her, he had created a rationale list: 20 reasons why accepting him as  her submissive would benefit her. Things on the list included: “Never having him disagree with her”,  “Never pestering her for sexual activity and leaving initiation to her alone”, “Getting all the housework  done to her satisfaction”, “Staying by her side at all times so that he’s always available”, “Staying in  chastity to assure all attention stays on her”, “worshiping her”, “waking her up to oral sex every  morning”, etc. 

Reading through the list, it was obvious that he had absolutely no idea what his wife really wanted from  him. I asked him if she had suggested ANY of the things on the list, to which he replied, “No…but it’s in  her nature”. I reasoned with him that, given his natural submissive tendency, if his wife wanted him to  be her slave in the manner he was presenting, after 10 years of marriage, didn’t he think he’d already be  on his knees? I mean, if she really wanted him in chastity, giving her oral sex every morning, wouldn’t he  already be doing it? He sat, a little at a loss for words. 

Then, he presented the next most frequent argument: That he would be love to give her all the things  she wants, if she would just take control of him. I asked, “So, what you’re saying is that the only way  your wife can get what she really wants from you, is to make it fun for you? You would not be interested  in actually serving her unless she first serves your fantasies?” That got a quiet stare. 

I explained that “benefits” are in the eye of the beneficiary. If she doesn’t see something as a benefit,  then it isn’t one. Period. I asked him if the things he was offering up as benefits were really things that  he honestly felt SHE would consider a benefit. He admitted that he didn’t really know for sure. 

The only way for a submissive to know what a given dominant feels are the true benefits of having them  as a submissive, is for her to communicate them to him. If she offers up that definition of submission,  then it behooves him to listen! If she doesn’t offer it up, then it’s up to him to ask. I tried to help him  with techniques to get her to formulate a definition of submission to her (the Egyptian Pharaoh Exercise,  for those of you who have read my writings).

He asked me what I felt the chances were that she would find doing things like “putting him in chastity  and making him do housework naked except a collar” would be submission for her. I told him that I  didn’t know her at all – and that he had a much better shot at answering that question than I did (and I  assume he already knows the answer, BTW). I suspected the answer would be “very low”, but I also said  that I wouldn’t rule anything out – and that it was possible. Then I pointed out that the upside of getting  her to define what submission means to her, is that, if in fact she DOES enjoy those things, he’s going to  end up doing them, anyway. I repointed him to the Task List Exercise, as a great way to help categorize  and structure ideas for submission. He agreed to try it out. 

What I find so interesting is how many people fall into the same trap of assumption and stereotype. I  believe they want their partner to want what the stereotype tells them is desirable, and are afraid to  explore their unique partner’s reality. They think it’s easier to get their partner to change than to change  themselves, which is a fallacy, since change is a function of motivation – and who has the strongest  motivation to make a D/s dynamic work? 

The infamous Rolling Stones lyric, “You can’t always get what you want…but you find sometimes, you  get what you need” is in full-force here. Long-lasting happiness comes from getting what you need, not  from getting exactly what you want. In the case of submission, long-lasting submission comes from  finding what you need through giving your dominant what they want. Find out what truly benefits your  unique dominant – and deliver that to the best of your ability! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Timing Within BDSM Relationships

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Over the years, we here at kink weekly have covered collars extensively. Our two part series, “The Collar” ( https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/the-collar-part-one/ and https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/the-collar-part-two/ ) examine both the history and the current state of collaring. It is safe to say that collaring has changed over the years. But the following question reflects more than just change; it asks about a whole new way of collaring. The question, please:

Reader: I know my Dom for a month and he wants to collar me. But, he wants it to be permanent and have it welded closed. Is it too soon for such a commitment? As a female, I am always wary about being rushed into things. Is this a red flag or am I just being overly cautious?

I like the idea of a collar that is welded shut. (Of course, this takes expertise and should be done by a professional skilled in the welding art. If your Dom wants to do it himself, and his hands shake, run!) My own view – and this is my personal opinion only – is that there are too many ‘Velcro’ collars given out hastily, with little regard to their meaning. This brings us to the main part of your question – the significance of the collar to both of you and the timing of giving such a collar.

Before I begin to opine on your question, let me offer a disclaimer. “In the rare case a permanent collar causes a four-hour erection, see your doctor.” Oops, wrong disclaimer! (Or, maybe not. It just might be that a welded collar gives your Dom a four-hour erection. After all, collars are hot and, in his eyes, a welded collar might be super hot!) The real disclaimer involves the inconsistency of timing and/or values between people.

One month might appear quick to one person, while to another it might look like an eternity. One person might think of the significance of a collar one way, another views it in a totally different way. With regard to timing and significance, there is both good news and bad news in the answer to your question.The good news is that both of you are on the same page with respect to the meaning of the collar. He looks at it in a “until the welder do us part” way. And, you do too. Otherwise, you would not be willing to consider such a collar.

I believe that both the “collar-er” and the “collar-ee” should have similar views on its significance to make a D/s relationship work. A Velcro Dom should collar a Velcro sub. A Dominant who looks at the collar like a marriage should collar a submissive with similar views. In your case, the collar is equally meaningful both of you. Great!

Now, the bad news — although, not so bad. It is in the timing of this collar where you have a disconnect. Your Dom thinks one month is enough time to permanently collar you; you are not as sure. If BDSM traditions and common sense can be used as guideline, I agree with you. With rare exceptions, thirty days would appear to be too fast for such an all-encompassing commitment.

M/s and D/s requires a lot from both partners. Thus, many in the lifestyle, including me, believe a “courtship” period is necessary. Vanilla, shmanilla. This has worked in every lifestyle for hundreds of years. And, we have the perfect system for doing this – the “collar of consideration.” What an engagement ring is to marriage, the “collar of consideration” is to Master/slave. And, three to six months is the perfect range for this type of collar. If it works out, bring on the welder! You should respectfully ask your Dom what he thinks of a “collar of consideration.”

Find out his views. Let him know you look forward to a welded collar, but you want to get it right. He might be more understanding than you would assume. Never assume, ask. After all, he doesn’t want this collar to come off. And, the best way to assure this result is to not only weld it shut, but to also communicate effectively. Unless there is some unexplained circumstance, I don’t see the rush to collar you. If you assume your relationship will last years – which is the kind of permanence a welded collar implies – then what is the difference in waiting a few more months? After all, you really don’t want to call the welder twice!

Nevertheless, I find the idea of the welded collar extremely hot.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Bastinado or Caning The Soles of The Feet

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bas·ti·na·do  

/ˌbastəˈnādō,ˌbastəˈnädō/  

HISTORICAL  

noun  

a form of punishment or torture that involves caning the soles of someone’s feet. 

verb  

punish or torture (someone) by caning the soles of the feet.  

“the prisoners were bastinadoed frequently in his presence”  

The German term is Bastonade, deriving from the Italian noun bastonata (stroke with the use of a stick).  In former times it was also referred to as Sohlenstreich (corr. striking the soles). The Chinese term is dǎ  jiǎoxīn (打脚心 / 打腳心).  

The point is that Bastinado has been practices as a form of punishment for a very long time. In kink, on the other hand, as separate from a hard caning by a Dominant for the reason of punishment, Bastinado  can be thought of as a day for the feet to go to the spa. A good place to start with the feet are the  acupressure charts that illustrate the way the sole of foot relates to the rest of the body’s organs. Keep in mind as you work on feet that there is a variance between left and right foot and there is also a  variance between people. With that in mind, viewing more than one chart is a good idea so that you are familiar with the variances.  

Another idea is to familiarize yourself with foot anatomy. Not necessarily to the degree that you can talk  anatomy with an expert, but to be aware of the bones of the foot and how thick or thin they are and  also so that you understand at least in a limited way, what the musculature of the foot looks like.  

So how does one approach a Bastinado scene with one’s submissive/bottom to have them drooling with pleasure?  

First create the ambiance. Dark room, soft instrumental music, a comfortable table, and a range of tools.  

It’s nice to begin with your new knowledge of foot anatomy, a foot massage with a light oil that they are  not allergic to is a great way to begin. Another way to warm the foot up is to do a wax scene with the  feet, but that is not necessary, only nice.  

The thing to keep in mind is that compared to the muscle mass in the arm, the muscle mass in the foot is  minute. The bones are little and it’s important to mitigate against the possibility of causing serious  injury. This is not a torture or even meant to be a punishment. Bastinado is a way to “pay back” the  submissive with a day at the foot spa. It’s good advice to do a butt spanking first to warm up the “root  chakra” before going on to the feet. When you do transition to the feet, make sure to use a thick thuddy  short cane at first to warm up to foot evenly.  

It’s a very good idea for Bastinado to use a shortened cane, which is much easier to control. Work the strokes up and down the foot to warm the sole of the foot evenly.  

Caning the foot is not the sort of stroke you use to mark a bottom. It’s a foreshortened swing with a  shortened cane, the stroke should be no more than an inch or two at most to begin with. To manage  this, it’s best to use a short cane (shorty) with very small partial strokes at first. One way to test how hard you can strike the foot is for the Dominant to first use the cane on his or her own foot first to see  both where and how hard to strike the foot in a manner that enhances the experience. It’s also not a  bad idea to compare what you are feeling to the reflexology charts as you do so. Then have the bottom  do the same and let them tell you how hard to hit. Do this with a shorty. A short cane generates less  force than a longer cane, especially with partial strokes. Even so, remember that your foot is not the  bottom’s foot. My feet are thick and meaty, my bottom’s feet are thin and boney, so I have to think  about her foot with the reality of the difference between her foot and mine, in mind. Every foot is different.  

As with all kinks, especially as you get started with Bastinado, it’s a very good idea for the bottom to  turn the volume up on their thoughts. The top cannot guess what the bottom is feeling and there needs  to be a very useful way to share the experience out loud. One way is for the bottom to share from the  out of 1-10 scale as in: “1, 2 or 3” is light and easily tolerated, “4, 5 and 6” is just right and “7” is too  much and “8, 9 and 10” are all out of bounds. The top should listen to the number the bottom is sharing  so that they can match the intensity of the stroke to the tolerance.  

It’s good to work on one foot at a time so that you as the top can approach each foot from a similar side.  I prefer to stand on the outside of the leg so that my stroke falls (ideally) in the arch and along the pads  of the foot with great toe pad getting the most attention.  

If you are someone who has trouble targeting the strokes accurately, you might try putting a short cane  between the toes to act as a guide and that way you can get full coverage of the foot as you move the target toward the heel. Just remember that tapping the cane, bouncing the cane on the foot with a light  grip as is the bounce back stroke. At most a 2” swing to a 10” swing with no full force swings of the cane  are necessary for a good session. Remember, it’s a day at the foot spa for the bottom.  

Think of Bastinado as a way to pay the bottom back for all the time, effort and energy that they have given you as the Top.  

You can also use a tuning fork or a waxing or a massage and all of the above to make this an amazing  Bastinado experience. Start light, have fun, go slow and enjoy this fetish.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

This week in kink: September 13, 2021

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Don’t miss the inside scoop on this awesome kink/swinger’s resort from Mirror!

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The Risk Of Violating Underlying Relationship Requirements

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 I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I’d like to address a question posed to me by a submissive. He was asking if I thought that  cuckoldry had to be accepted by a submissive, if his dominant desired it. Most of us reading this know  the answer is “No” – but the reason behind that “no” might have a different source for me than it does for others. 

Other dominants he spoke to (and some submissives) discussed “Limits” and “Negotiation” and used  those terms to provide a rationale for not having to allow oneself to be cuckolded. The idea was, if he  didn’t consent to cuckoldry, the dominant had no right to do so. 

I’m not going to argue that point at this time…suffice it to say that, for scene-based dynamics with  people who may not know each other very well, limits and negotiations are critical practices and need to  be respected. For long-termed, committed relationships on which power dynamics are layered, there  are more natural protections between partners, because caring for each other’s wellbeing (both  physically and mentally), a desire to protect each other, and mutual respect for each other and their  needs will come into play before abuse sets in. So for me, in my relationships – and for this particular  sub, who was married for 25 years before establishing a power dynamic, the latter was more  appropriate and limits have less practical value. 

For me, the reason my answer to his question was “no”, was more about cuckolding itself. Cuckoldry is a  practice that violates the basic requirements of the type of relationship that mandates fidelity. In other  words, cuckolding violates a core requirement of the underlying relationship of their marriage and really  has little to do with dominance / submission. 

Whether or not someone can handle their partner with another will depend on their tolerance for  infidelity / openness within their relationship, not their level of obedience. Some people will be able to  tolerate an open relationship, others will not. Some relationship types have “fidelity” as a requirement – others do not. For example, it would be hard to cuckold a client — or even a friend with no exclusivity — but unless the agreement is an open relationship, a marriage would form the foundation for cuckolding. 

What I’m saying is that, for some relationship types, fidelity falls in the same category as other underling  relationship attributes, such as: Trust, caring, honesty, respect, mutual fulfillment of need, open  communications, etc. Relationships require these attributes to be healthy, with or without a power  dynamic. In some relationships, exclusivity may be considered to be a requirement. 

Yes, you could deprive a submissive any of these things as part of your power dynamic. But violate these  enough, and the relationship itself may fail as a result of it. It’s not a factor of “how good a submissive  they are” or “how obedient they are”, it’s a factor of their NEED when in a relationship and whether they  can tolerate maintaining a relationship without these things (with or without a power dynamic). That’s  going to be an individual measure and a measure independent of the power dynamic. 

In the case of forcing a sub to accept cuckolding, the outcome will be determined by the sub’s tolerance  for cuckolding. It won’t be about whether he’s a dedicated submissive. He might try to accept it and make the dominant happy – with the intent of serving her – but ultimately, he will face his capacity for  accepting this from the perspective of the underlying relationship. Not the power dynamic. Another way  to view this, if a partner doesn’t have an issue with their spouse being with other people, it’s awfully  hard to cuckold them! Cuckold, in many ways, implies a lack of consent / knowledge. 

For dominants, you need to be aware of the potential risks of violating underlying relationship  requirements. When using a power dynamic to stress these underlying requirements – you need to  understand that the sub’s outward reaction isn’t always what’s really going on. Sometimes, a sub’s  desire to be misused or maltreated will motivate them to accept a violation of their underlying  requirements, even though it wounds them. Their desire to be “out of control” may encourage them to  hide that wound – or accept it as a consequence of their submission. That can work for a while, but over  time, this wound can deepen and eventually undermine the entire relationship – and by the time you see  it, it may be too late to recover. There is a threshold that is created and when you cross that threshold,  the titillation of playfully-abusive practice is recognized as actual abuse. At that point, the relationship is in jeopardy. 

To avoid this, the dominant needs to be aware when they’re playing with relationship requirements – and that the potential for wounding their submissive is strong. We need to be extra vigilant and  observant – and give the submissive repeated opportunity to “check in” and speak freely. We need to  anticipate and seek out negative consequences. We must consider to choose to avoid those practices for  the good of the relationship. 

You don’t know your limits until you exceed them – the trick is to do so in a safe way that allows you to  come back across the line intact. Having a power dynamic is no excuse to abuse underlying relationship  requirements. Keep them in mind, respect them, and be open about them. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com