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Kink isn’t about the just flashy stuff such as whips, chains, fire, needles, etc.
It’s about so much more- the human connection, trust, care, aftercare!
Watch this inspiring TedTalk to fully understand the responsibilites that come with being a kinkster!
As a top, I have always liked it when a bottom could hold out a back pack and say “You can use anything in here.” Whether or not I do depends on what’s in the bag, of course.
If it’s a needle kit or rope, I won’t be using any of it. Not interested. If it’s a Tens unit, I might. I’ve used one of those on myself, for my bad back.
Butt plugs won’t be used. I don’t put things in anyone’s ass. He can, however, go to the bathroom and slip it in himself. My cane may find the end of it for a number of smacks.
It is a commonly accepted thing. The top will buy the toys, have the toys, care for the toys, etc. Yes, I have quite the collection of things I personally enjoy using on other people. They are never used on me. They can be cleaned. Poppers are given to the person they were used on. But my kit is limited to what I am capable of carrying that day.
That sounds silly, I’m sure; but I live in NYC. I have to carry my kit up four flights of stairs just to begin to get to an event. Then there are another two to four sets of stairs to get out of the station when I arrive.
If I can keep my kit fairly light, bringing only three or four things, and can count on a bottom bringing his own fun things that are specific to him, together we have expanded our play repertoire without either of us relying entirely on the other.
I don’t have nipple clamps, unless you count clothespins or those very nasty clamps with bells (fishing line bell bobbin). I don’t have weights.
Until recently, I didn’t have wartenberg wheels. I did, however, know a bottom who brought them nearly every time he came to an event I was attending. Through using them on him, I decided to buy my own pair. I’m rather looking forward to meeting up with him again, and using both pairs at the same time. Mine in one hand and his in the other should make for a terrific scene.
I know bottoms who bring their own leg spreader; their own ankle/wrist cuffs, their own penis ropes. Things not used on other people. In this time of plague, having a kit of things to be used solely on yourself is an important investment. You don’t know how clean anyone keeps their kit. You don’t go home with them all to see what they do with their toys after the party. You don’t know how many people have already had it used on them at the party you’re attending. You can’t know.
Protect yourself. You know where your items have been. You know how they were cleaned because you did it yourself.
I used the word “investment”. Some things can be costly. It’s best to build your kit up over time. Keep in mind that a smallish woman may have a hard time handling a monster flogger. Find a more medium sized flogger that is easier to deal with but still gives the impact you want. Canes are easy and can be reasonably priced. There are numerous sellers all over Fetlife, Etsy, Ebay, Amazon. Ban-sticks, in Fetlife, is my favorite. I’ve bought four sets from her, I think. Three sets in different lengths for myself and one set as a present for my former husband.
Clothespins can be thrown away after use if you want. They’re not expensive unless you’ve put in the work and time to dye them.
Raid the kitchen for the wooden spoons or go to the dollar store and buy an inexpensive pack. You can wash and keep them to use again or discard after use. I know people who love the meat tenderizing mallet as well.
Rope. It’s easy enough to put in a pillow case and then into the washer. Cotton line can be put into the dryer. If you’re not doing suspension, cotton clothesline is fine. Don’t let anyone be snobby at you about it.
My point here is to not depend on the top to provide all the toys.
Plague or not, every bottom should have their own play kit full of fun things they like used on them.
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for over 30 years in private and more than 10 years in public venues.
She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over twenty five fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2
You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor
She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.
Illustration by Dirk HooperI’ve read about a million articles (only a slight exaggeration) on aftercare for the bottom or the submissive, but I’d like to propose a little aftercare for the Dominant or the Top too.
Before I get started, this article in no way is meant to minimize the incredible importance of providing aftercare for the submissive. For a Dominant, taking care of the person you just played with is just as much a priority as negotiation, consent, and safety during a scene. Tops or Dominants must take care of the mental and physical needs of their partner first, foremost, and always.
Also, if you’re a submissive and you’re reading this, I want to stress that your Dominant is the number one source of information about how they are doing. No article should take precedent for the ongoing, open, and honest discourse you should be having with the people you play with regularly.
Let’s step back a moment. If you’re a Dominant, then you’re in charge! Doesn’t it naturally follow that all your post-session aftercare will be taken care of? Not necessarily. There are several reasons that you might not be getting the aftercare you need.
Whatever the reason, here are some ideas for aftercare for the Dominant. Most of these are focused on players who are in a relationship. A single scene typically won’t require much besides a sincere thanks for a fun time and some feedback- if that’s requested (or a hug, hugs are always good). But an ongoing relationship gets more complicated.
All these suggestions are for the purpose of discussion. Each Dominant is different and knows best what they need. Take or leave these suggestions as you will.
Physical Aftercare for the Dominant
Some scenes are physically challenging in one regard or another. Throwing a heavy flogger, intricate rope-bondage, primal scenes, and other things can require strength and stamina. If you’re a weekend warrior your muscles may not be warmed up. No matter how old you are, there’s always a possibility that something zigs when it should have zagged.
These ideas for aftercare might help get the Dominant back in the game quicker.
These are mostly things for the Dominant to initiate.
Mental Aftercare for the Dominant
I think the mental aspect of aftercare is more significant (and more complicated) than the physical part. If your arm is sore after throwing a whip, that’s obvious. Your mind and your feelings are much more mercurial.
Being Dominant means that you’re likely doing things that run contrary to how you were taught to treat people. Causing pain, being exceptionally strict, and humiliating someone you care for works in the context of BDSM, but only if you know the submissive is on board and getting what they want and need out of the relationship. This is important. Dominants need to know you’re okay, and even better, that you’re enjoying yourself.
Here are some thoughts on how a submissive can provide aftercare for the Dominant.
Aftercare for the Dominant may take many other forms and will obviously be as varied as the people who take that role. The only way to know what your Dominant needs after a scene is to talk to them. You might be surprised by what you discover when you bring up the subject.
Do you have any other ideas for aftercare for Dominants? I’d love to hear them in the comments below.
About the Author
Dirk Hooper is an award-winning fetish photographer, professional writer, audiobook narrator, podcasting producer and host, journalist for the fetish community, BDSM mentor, and adult personal branding and marketing consultant for Sexy Networking.
Dirk Hooper won Best Fetish Photographer at the 2017 Fetish Awards in St. Petersburg Florida. As a fine-art fetish photographer, Hooper’s work has been exhibited in England, the Netherlands, Belgium, China and all over the United States. His work is part of the permanent collections of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and the Leather Archives and Museum in Chicago, Illinois. Dirk Hooper’s work has been published in magazines like Skin Two, Von Gutenberg, Fet Erotica and Sinical Magazine. His work was published in the German hardcover art book “Fetish Fantasies: The Best of International Fetish Photography.” He has done professional photography for bands, books, posters and the adult film industry. Hooper co-founded the alternative modeling site Toxic Goddess. He offers his photography services for portraits and commercial projects.
Hooper’s articles have recently been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has won the Quora Top Writer award for the past two years. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently working on an erotic novel and a non-fiction book about social networking.
Dirk Hooper is the Host and Executive Producer of “The Fetish Show.” He has also recently launched a new podcast about success and inspiration titled, “The Dirk Side.” Hooper has been podcasting since 2005 and has produced hundreds of hours of shows over several networks. His first audiobook narration was for the Suzanne Steele novel “Glazov.”
Dirk Hooper does journalism for the BDSM and fetish community through The Fetish Show News, FETISHWEEK articles, the Daily Fetish Chronicle and freelance writing. Hooper’s award-winning website, http://www.DirkHooper.com features a gallery of his work, informational articles and is the home of “FETISHWEEK.”
Hooper’s inspiration for his work is an extension of his interests and experience in the BDSM and fetish community. He is a BDSM mentor and has helped guide or train both dominants and submissives.
Hooper works as a consultant on personal branding, social networking, SEO, copywriting, design and marketing through his Sexy Networking business at http://SexyNetworking.com
Here is a question I received recently:
“I am a Millennial and have been playing publicly with a Dom of roughly the same age for the last few months. After a serious session, he just packs his gear and waits for me to get ready. I feel really neglected but I am afraid to ask him to give me aftercare. What should I do? What should I expect from him? Am I topping from the bottom?”
Although I do not think being a Millennial has a causal effect your Dom’s lack of aftercare, I will say that many of the newer lifestylers have not been exposed to the traditions of BDSM. That being said, I am not here to preach Old Guard values. (“Hey kid, get offa my yard!”) Rather, I will discuss those traditions that are relevant to today’s kinksters. Aftercare – the comforting of a bottom after a BDSM scene – is one practice that is important to maintain for the Old Guard and New Guard alike!
Since the Dom you have been playing with is familiar with public play, chances are he is aware, either consciously or subconsciously, that he has been totally avoiding even the most rudimentary of aftercare. Not to play amateur psychologist, but there could be a fear of intimacy going on here.
Often it is the aftercare that is the most intimate and bonding of activities in our lifestyle. A drained submissive wrapped in the loving arms of his/her Dom/me, often in a blanket, is a common sight at most dungeon play parties. For many submissives, this is the true highlight of a scene. The fact that your Dom coldly packs up his gear might imply that something else is at work here. I liken it to its vanilla counterpart wherein the couple has sex without kissing. Knowing this, you might have a legitimate fear of expressing your needs to him. You might feel that he is avoiding aftercare, not forgetting it; that your desire for aftercare might be something he is unable to give you at this time.
Nevertheless, you must communicate your needs to him. He must know that you desire aftercare; it would then be up to him to decide if and when he will start to make it part of your public play. After all, he just might need a respectful “nudge” to get to the next step in your evolution as play partners. Or maybe he thinks it is not essential.
Your other concern is whether asking for aftercare might constitute “topping from the bottom.” Although I would tend to say “no,” the answer to this question is largely irrelevant. You imply that you are in a play relationship, not a “Dom/sub” one – and surely not a collared affair. (You would not say “a Dom” if he were your Dom. You would say “my Dom.”) Thus, technically, you are still in the negotiating stage; whether this will progress to a D/s relationship is still unanswered. When you are discussing your scene, with its hard and soft limits, safe words, etc., you can simply state that you would like to request aftercare when the scene ends. This is a reasonable demand, especially in view of the fact that he completely neglects it. Topping from the bottom is not a critical concern at this point. What is crucial is that you tell him what you desire.
As to what you can expect of him, you should hope that he is amenable to incorporating aftercare into his play. It will not only give you what you really need, but it is also a good habit for a Dom – Millennial or otherwise — to get into. If he does have a fear of intimacy, then he can at least give you a blanket, keep you warm, check that you are feeling OK. He should offer you water. (It is hard for a weary submissive to get up and fetch herself some water; besides, it would reflect badly on him to let you wander off looking for some Gatorade.)
If he is not open to changing his ways, then you might have to risk being a little “toppy” and tell him that it is essential for you. Again, this is still the negotiating stage and you must state clearly what minimum requirements you need to continue as his play partner. Every one, Dominant and submissive alike, has a deal-breaker. If this is a deal-breaker, you must tell him in unequivocal terms.
Whether it is just to improve your play life, or as a way of getting to the next stage D/s relationship-wise, communication is always paramount no matter what generation the players are. After all, if someone doesn’t know what you want, how can they give it to you?
By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
BDSM play is done for many reasons from the bottom side of the slash. Catharsis, sexual fulfillment, a natural high, or plain old fun. Perhaps as a way to push personal limits and boundaries. Another reason people play is because it can be therapeutic. Either consciously or sub-consciously. Someone might use play in general (as opposed to a specific kind of play) to help them push through anxiety, find “permission” to let out their bottled up emotions, or learn how to trust. Bottoms can also use more specific play to work through past or childhood traumas. Something I see often is when the bottom will recreate a past trauma or pieces of it in their scenes – or simply be “really into that” as a part of their relationships, etc. The difference now being, of course, that they are the ones in control.
For example, a woman is raped with the threat of a knife being used on her and getting held down by her throat. That same woman playing in the scene may create scenes or ask for types of play from her partner(s) that reenacts, if you will, the rape. She may really be into rape play or knife play. Choking or breath play may be something that turns her on. However, now she is in control. Unlike when she was actually raped, she can call red and it all stops. In addition, she may find some healing in that she is experiencing these acts with a trusted partner.
On the other hand, take a different woman with the same experience of rape. She could go the opposite direction. For this woman, bottoming in a consensual-non consent, rape, even rough sex scene could be a huge trigger. Knife play of any kind may be a hard limit, as well as choking. Perhaps even having a hand near her throat causes panic and anxiety.
The point of this is that no bottom is the same and you can’t assume that just because many bottoms enjoy a type of play that all, or even most, of them do. This takes me back to talking about consent and why it’s imperative you don’t start play without it. I’ve seen a D-type walk up to a bottom and grab them by the hair. What if that bottom had the experience I described above and hair pulling had been a part of her abuse/trauma and now is a major trigger?
If something causes you to panic please don’t continue to do it and try to find someone to talk to. However, if a type of play, or play in general, seems to be helping you process trauma or abuse you have suffered or gives you a sense of empowerment then, by all means, I say do it. Just make sure it’s with people you trust. If it’s on that conscience level then maybe even talk to them about why you enjoy that type of play. If you have a therapist talk about it. Combining the play with communication is even more powerful than either alone.
Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.
What is aftercare? What does it entail? Why do people need/want it?
Aftercare, in its simplest definition, is something that takes place in the time following a scene. In my opinion, it’s best to think of aftercare as a part of a scene – the last chapter of the story, so to speak.
First, let’s talk about what aftercare may look like. It is different for different people. In general you will tend to see the bottom covered or wrapped in some kind of blanket if available, drinking water, perhaps laying with or next to the Top. They may have their head on the Top’s lap – either laying on a seat or bench next to them or sitting at the Top’s feet. Once they’ve rested for a bit they may look to eat some food and talk quietly about the scene or just about how both parties are feeling.
So what are some variations to this? Some bottoms have very specific aftercare requests. My advice to those with certain needs that aren’t guaranteed is to have those things on hand. If you always love to eat a cookie after play, bring a cookie. If you like a specific blanket, bring it. Don’t rely on your Top or the club to have these things on hand. There may be plenty of snacks out before you start your scene and by the time you’re done it’s all been eaten. Another idea (and great for fulfilling any “service” needs/fetishes you have) is to pack up a little picnic with water and snacks for both you and your Top. It is a very nice thing to do – especially if you know you will have a more intense scene.
Some bottoms or Tops need the opposite of the “norm”. They may need to be left alone for a certain amount of time. Perhaps they don’t like to be touched right after play for a while. They may not want to talk. There are some Tops that don’t enjoy giving aftercare, or whose aftercare requirements include activities that remove them from the bottom. Maybe they like to go straight outside to cool off and have a smoke.
Tops that don’t enjoy or don’t offer aftercare, for whatever reason, should discuss this during negotiation and offer other support or recommend that the bottom has another person for support or aftercare after the scene. Never leave a bottom hanging after a scene is over! Even if the bottom wants to not be touched or spoken to – still make sure you have an eye on them.
Also, leave enough time – don’t fill your dance card with scenes and no time in between for aftercare. Like I said, aftercare should be negotiated as a part of the scene. I recommend having no more than 1-2 “planned” scenes in one evening. If more happen and it’s all good – great. However, this allows for time in case something goes wrong, a bottom needs more time in aftercare, a trigger comes up, etc. You never want someone to feel bad or guilty because you make them feel rushed or that giving them aftercare is an inconvenience.
Having said that, just as some Tops don’t enjoy aftercare, there are bottoms that don’t need or want it either. If a bottom says they typically don’t need aftercare that’s ok. However, I still advise leaving enough time for it. The bottom may experience something in the scene that causes them to desire aftercare or perhaps they reach subspace (or a different level of subspace) and they want some aftercare. Again, better to make the time and not need it than to need it and not have the time.
So now the question is why? Why do people (for the most part) seek out aftercare? To me the reasons why fall under one or more of three categories – the 3 “R’s” – Reconnection, Reflection/debriefing, and/or Recouperation.
Reconnection. Most scenes include one or more of the following – role play/various headspaces, humiliation and/or degredation, and/or pain. Aftercare provides a time for both parties to connect with one another in a positive way – whether it’s a play partner who is an aquantance, friend or romantic partner. It reinforces the respect, friendship and/or love they have for one another.
Reflection/debriefing. This can be a time to talk a little about the scene itself. The good stuff as well as anything that may have triggered either party. Discussion over what worked or didn’t. Making sure that everyone is ok emotionally and psychologically. There may be more of this over the first few days following a scene but this can be a time to speak to it in general.
Recouperation. Make sure you are both drinking water and getting some food if necessary. If any minor injuries occured during the scene or something was uncomfortable physically this may be a time to double check and make sure it’s all good. Also, the bottom may be a bit “spacey” having gone into subspace a little or a lot. Aftercare gives them time to “come down a bit” so they can walk, talk, and eventually drive home. Sometimes you may not be in subspace but still feel sleepy or just generally “out of it” for a bit. These feelings go for Tops as well!
General rule: never take advantage of someone during aftercare! They are usually in an altered state due to the chemicals that were released in their body. You should not make any sexual advances or play advances during this time unless it was negotiated BEFORE the scene!
There is an extention of aftercare that also needs to be addressed. As the Top you should be prepared to check in with the bottom the next day and a couple days later. This is to cover any possible subdrop. If you know you won’t be able to check in, then make sure the bottom has arranged for another friend to check in with them or that they have alternative plans in place. Bottoms, this is also a great time to continue to reflect on the scene and write a message to your Top giving them feedback.
All in all, aftercare can be, and usually is, a lovely and peaceful time for both (or all) people involved in a scene. It serves many purposes for most people. I know a few folks that look forward to the aftercare even more than the scene itself! Don’t treat it as an afterthought – aftercare can be just as important as the play involved. Enjoy it!
Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer here.