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Video: Roles In The Lifestyle
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Don’t Be A Doormat No Matter How You Identify In The Scene
Regardless of our role, we need to stand on a set of self-defined principles. Sure, the Lifestyle, in general, has core tenets which many of us try to follow. Not what I am talking about. I am referring to your personal ethic. A set of internal rules you have decided to live by. If you have them.
It becomes very difficult to find North if we do not have a compass. Those self-defined principles become that compass. They inform how we act with others, how we treat ourselves, and most importantly let us feel confident when it is time to be our own champion.
One of the easiest ways to get ourselves into trouble in kink is to say yes too easily. I’ve certainly fell into that trap and still do occasionally. We want to please others. We want to be wanted. When someone else asks us to participate they are signaling to us they see value in us. It is very hard to turn that down at times. Being principled allows us the freedom to say no on our own terms.
There are volumes of people in kink who seem rudderless. Why is this? Is it simply that they are lost in a see of information? Or could part of it be they do not understand the importance of self-defined principles? How many people have you met or talked to in the last month, let alone the last year, who couldn’t get the piss out of the boot if there were instructions on the heel?
I am not casting aspersions or making fun. Merely recognizing that in our chosen lifestyle and in kink we must be very self-aware and willing to be our own defender. No one is going to care as much about our own wellbeing as ourselves. If that is not true, I would respectfully suggest you are not ready for this life because if you cannot be your own shield, there are those our there who will eat you alive.
See Your Own Value
We are not going to stand on our own principles, defending our own being, if we do not see value in ourselves. If we are desperate to be validated by others, then we are not taking our own worth into account. Each of us has our own value, seeing that in ourselves is the place to start when defining what is important to us.
Find Your Voice
Knowing our worth and having principles is not enough if we are not able to be vocal in our own defense. I am not talking about fending off the odd insult, or telling someone off who pissed us off. This is about the times when we know we really want to say yes, but should say no. When someone overlooks our contribution in a dynamic. Or when we want to be part of a group or activity for our own good but are scared to speak up.
We have to get over the hump of sitting in the shadows and ignoring our own needs. Voicing what we expect, what is needed, and yes what is wrong. If you are not used to being vocal it will be difficult at first, but it will get easier the more you do it. People will be less likely to gloss over your voice because they will be more accustomed to hearing you.
Find it, keep it, and use it.
Define Your Own Purpose
Why am I here in this restaurant talking to this person? Why am I in this group or at this munch? Why did I come to this class? Why?
The why you are doing something becomes the motivation to be your own advocate. Otherwise, why be there? There is a goal you are trying to achieve be it additional knowledge, vetting a potential partner, making fiends in the community, or simply to get out of the house. There is a purpose, what is it?
Whatever it is use it to spur you forward. We are more likely to use our voice and to be our own champion if we have a clear goal in mind.
Define Your Principles
What is personally important to you? Making sure you have time for your family? Your integrity? Staying STD free?
There are a thousand questions I could ask you to help you dial it in. But really, you already know for the most part what your personal priorities are and what is important to you. These are what you need to hang your proverbial hat on. Make each into a statement which creates a line which you will not cross.
For example, one of my principles is that I will not lie to anyone, ever, not matter the circumstance. To some this may sound easy, but rest assured it is not. I have been tempted to save someone’s feelings from the truth, be easy on their ego, or even afraid of losing a friendship.
Not matter what line you draw in the sand it will eventually be tested in away you do not expect. Do not box yourself in with a million principles. Just the ones that you know you need to be able to maintain respect for yourself.
Being Principled is Hard, but Important
People will call you closed minded at times. Refer to you as stuck up, stiff, and many more choice ways designed to ding your own positive self-view. It can be a lonely road some days to walk because we all just want to get along for the most part.
If we go with the flow and let others define our path eventually we will wind up in a box canyon with no way out and the rains are coming. At that point we have let others set the stage for our self-destruction because we will have to decide whether or not to let go of those who have guided us there and save ourselves or remain and lose all self-respect.
Being principled helps us avoids those dire straits. They allow us to stand in the middle of the chaos others have authored and say no, enough, this is not for me.
The Gold at the End of the Rainbow
Peace. It may be a harder road to travel but it is an infinitely more fulfilling one.
Being able to wake each day confident in our purpose, our general direction, and knowing we have designed armor, those self-defined principles, keeping us on a path which is right for us sets us on a positive path.
People who are worth knowing will respect you for sticking to your guns. Seriously, who in your life do you respect who constantly flip flops regarding their personal worth and ethic? I would be willing to bet, no one. People who are principled, are easier to trust and respect because they are more consistent in how they view themselves and treat others.
At the End of the Day
Time passes faster than we would like to admit. Hell, I blinked and half a century flew by. Not all of it I am proud of. I wish I had been more principled at times. It would have saved me a ton of trouble. Regardless, I am here now, and hopefully learned better.
When I finally learned to have a core personal ethic, consciously decided on, it made my life much simpler, if not always easier. It allowed me to be who I am without apology. Without having to explain myself or make excuses.
Having that personal foundation gave me more self confidence and pushed me to seek those who are also very principled in their lives. As a result, I found the best life partner I never could have imagined. Very principled herself. A giant pain in my ass some days for sure. But a person I can love and respect without caveats. She calls me on my shit when I screw up and lets me know when I am doing well. We can be brutally honest with each other, and with others. There is a freedom in that.
Kink, BDSM, and the Lifestyle are rough. The process of growth sucks beyond imagining some days. It’s near impossible to manage if we do not have a compass to keep us headed in the right direction.
To borrow another’s words, “But let me just officially state the biggest warning that was never explicitly stated: D/s is mounds of painful, gut-wrenching, vulnerable, hurt-like-hell work. And the best part? It never stops being painful, gut-wrenching, vulnerable, hurt-like-hell work (if you’re doing it right).”
It is tough, but with that compass, it gets easier. Otherwise, we might as well be a doormat because everyone and their dog will walk over us.
This week in kink: September 6, 2021
Can BDSM reduce anxiety?
Check out this riveting article from YourTango that answers this question using scientific research
Heard of a “ruined orgasm?”
If not, check out this interesting article from yahoo!life that further explains how this can used to tease your partner
New to the lifestyle?
Then, click on this awesome newbie guide from InStyle!
Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”
No Strings Attached BDSM Relationships: What To Do When You Catch Feelings
What happens when you catch feelings for a casual play partner?
How should you navigate the BSDM feels?
Check out this awesome video from the fabulous Evie Lupine to learn more!
"No Strings Attached" BDSM Relationships: What to do When You Catch Feelings
Consent in a 24/7 TPE Power Exchange
Everything in kink requires consent. It is only inside of consent that the activities we engage in can occur. Without consent, many of the activities we engage in might in fact be considered crimes. From 1,000 feet away, that is certainly true. On the other hand, simple things, especially now that the nation is opening up again and we are starting to hear about clubs and play spaces opening up again, engaging with kinksters in a public space requires consent. “Is it ok if I do this ….?”
Negotiating in pick up-play for instance, requires at the very minimum, that consent around hard limits is discussed and agreed to, but what about consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic? How is consent managed where one person gifts their power to another.
In our situation, I am a sensual sadist, and my partner is a submissive masochist. For me to be fully self expressed in my sexuality, I need her to operate as my uninhibited collared slut that gifts me her submission with her consent. It is a given.
The question that consideration raises though is how do I know I have her consent? Its not like we go through a daily scene with me asking her with every action I take if I have her consent. So how do I know.
One aspect of our dynamic is that we both operate with the full understanding that each of us is 100% responsible for the health of the dynamic. That requires that each of us respond to any event, thought, statement or suspicion that there is something perhaps out of sorts by addressing it immediately. We also hold an especially important context of our dynamic at all times. That being that there is nothing wrong. So if one of us sees or says something that raises concern, that awareness arises in context that there is nothing wrong so we can deal with what’s actually so. We do not allow stories to enter into the discussion. At first, as we were getting related and learning about each other’s habits and routines, we had cause to have a conversation around this idea that “there is nothing wrong” and once we established that as a context for our relationship, there have been few if any circumstances where we would have to address each other from a place of mistrust.
Another aspect of our dynamic is that we are both sex forward and kink forward. This is something that was established even before we met. We both wanted to live in a dynamic that was highly sexualized. The upshot of that is that we play almost daily. The result of having over 1,000 iterations of our kinky sexuality expressed lives as lived is that we know each other pretty well. I know when I am pushing her limits and I know when she is on the edge. I am responsible for keeping her on the edge and not taking her past her limit.
At the beginning of our sceneing, once she had been claimed, and even to this day after being collared, she has safe words. Yellow for “I like this but it’s a bit too intense at the moment, keep going” to “Red” which in our world is simply to “stop now, check in and see if we should continue”. And remember, there is nothing wrong, so reding out is not a big deal. At the same time, I can tell you that she has used “yellow” a couple times 3 years ago, and she has never needed to red out. She was told at the outset that “I don’t break my toys”. This gave her confidence to test her limits.
This brings me to the most important part of consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic. Consent is based entirely on trust.
I have had to earn her trust over time as her Master and as her Dom.
Consider when we met, I had been operating as a disciplinarian in one dynamic and has a cruel sadist in another and as a Bull in another and she had never been in a kink dynamic although she had been doing kinky things all through her adult life.
We had to find a way to relate as kinksters so that our dynamic pulled each of us in directions that we wanted to explore, and to expand our experience of our own sexuality as we explored the twists and turns of the rabbit hole together. This was a process of trial and error. Mostly we talked a lot. Before, during, and after scenes. I tried many fetishes and kinks with her and she had the experience of being all in. When things got too hard, she yellowed and after when asked about things we did, she would say, “I liked this, or I didn’t like that”. This enabled me to hone the ways we played so that I kept her in a state of heightened arousal, which is what I find deeply arousing. I want her in a trance state on the verge of climax at all times during our scenes.
I am sexually aroused when the woman I am with is present with me and puts herself forward to be my sex toy. My 3-hole slut, my personal masochist. And my partner, Lady Petra does just that. The trust that is present goes both ways. There are times I want her to Top in a scene to explore some aspect of my own sexuality, like prostate massage for example, and I need to have complete and unwavering trust in her too.
One of the ways I know I have her consent is that she chooses to kneel for me whenever I ask. I have also given her the right to choose to kneel without my request so that if she feels the urge to be used, she can request that I use her by presenting herself. If she did not feel like I had her consent she would never put herself forward to be used day after day. The act of preparing for use is consent itself.
The fact that in being used, she experiences multiple squirting orgasms for about 40-90 minutes at a time is perhaps one reason that she consistently puts herself forward…but I contend that our communication is clean enough that if she did have something to discuss regarding our play or our dynamic, she would do so.
Our dynamic is a 24/7 dynamic in fact. It encompasses every aspect of life. We have created protocols for many of the specifics that day to day life requires. Why that is important is that our adherence to protocols allows us to keep a monitor on the relationship in the same way that a pilot monitors his or her instrument panel. All the dials on the jet’s instrument panel point in one direction. So, if one dial is out of sorts (pointing away from vertical), the pilot will notice it immediately. This is similar. If there is not adherence to one or another protocol it is similar to the instrument panel dial pointing in the wrong direction. In our dynamic that is unlikely though, because Lady Petra is extraordinarily obedient, and I am very much turned on by her obedience.
One aspect of our consent agreements boils down to this. We agree to put the dynamic aside and speak as equals if need be. Early on in our dynamic, we had to do this a couple of times till we could get flat about whatever it was that was bothering one or the other of us. For more than 2 years now, that has not come up. One reason is that we are both being responsible for the dynamic as I noted earlier. We take the idea of creating the dynamic seriously.
I am responsible for creating how I occur to her. She is responsible for creating how she occurs to me. She pulls me to her by they way she shows up for me. She creates me when she prepares herself to be used and lets me know that she is indeed ready for me. This means that however long it takes me to get there, I will find her kneeling offering me her leash, or on days when she is ready to be marked, she offers me the cane.
I am also responsible for how she occurs to me. Consider that. If she is upset, its my responsibility. Its up to me to get to the bottom of it and to do whatever is needed to get her back to being happy. I leave her the way I leave her. So, when she is upset, I own it, and when I say I am responsible for how she is experiencing me, it is both disarming and affirming. The point is that it is my responsibility to create her experience as my collared slut. I want her fully enrolled in being my personal masochist. My personal perfectly designed 3-hole whore. My fuck toy. I want her to have the experience of feeling like being with me is a magic carpet ride. Every day. How do I know I have her consent? Because after I use her, she sits up and takes my face in her hands and kisses me passionately telling me that I am a magician. We describe our experience together as “bliss”. We both experience what our Tantra friends call “a Kundalini Awakening”.
I have her consent because we are both experiencing the deepest, most connected, most intimate, highly sexualized, satisfying, passionate, hottest loving relationship we can possibly imagine. And we created it. It has turned out better than we could possibly expect.
She chooses to kneel for me. This is how I know I have her consent.
SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.
You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com
New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground
Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/
Being Prepared: First Aid And Kink
One of the things I am very grateful of- from early on in my kink life my mentor drilled into me that before I could potentially break it, I needed to know how to fix it.
I think everyone would agree, avoiding injury and safety in play is our first priority. But we spend, or at least I do, a whole lot more time thinking about the play itself, than about what to do if someone gets hurt. Of course we do! Fantasizing about our next scene and what will happen is a whole lot sexier than ticking off a mental list of risks and whether or not we packed a roll of gauze in our bag. Nothing will kill that mid-day tingle like the thought of a broken finger and how to splint it.
If we stay in the game long enough, someone is going to get a bit banged up. Not just our bottoms, but tops get injured also. It pays for everyone involved to be reasonably versed in first aid and general wound care. Here are a few things I picked up along the way which might help you be a little better prepared.
- Learn How to Fix It
Depending on what play you are into, there are a variety of injuries which can happen no matter how careful we are. For the most part, general first aid will cover the odd minor cuts, abrasions, bruises, and the like. For heavier players, split skin, lacerations, deep bruising, serious cuts and possibly worse can happen. Knowing what to do for more serious injuries is a must in these instances and can be the difference between something being able to heal well, and a trip to the emergency room.
Start with a Red Cross First Aid and CPR Class. Yes, go to an actual class where you can go hands on, not just watching a YouTube video or reading a book. Walking through the different aspects helps set the knowledge better in our heads and gives us a chance to ask questions and hear the questions of others being answered. The value of this interaction cannot be overstated.
If you are a heavier player, consider attending some kink specific training where you can ask the instructors what the potential injuries may be, and what to do about them. There are also plenty of survivalists out there who run field first aid classes which teach about how to deal with more serious injuries.
Nope I’m not a Kook and I’m not joking.
Sure, you may learn a whole lot more than you need, but having the core knowledge that is more in depth than simple first aid can be a game changer if a scene goes really badly. It’s better to be over prepared than under. Not to mention….it’s just good to know.
A good reference book for this more advanced care is the US Army Field Manual for First Aid which can be found for free here- Chapter 1 (army.mil) as well as this book available through Amazon ACEP First Aid Manual, 5th Edition (Dk First Aid Manual): DK Publishing: 9781465419507: Amazon.com: Gateway
Again, a whole bunch more information than you need, but if you do suspensions dropping someone on their head might be a real concern. Knowing what to do with a head injury might be important to you.
- Build Your Kit
“OH MY GOD!!!! I read that manual now I have to build a footlocker sized first aid kit!”
Nope. You really don’t. Start with a commercial of the shelf basic first aid kit which covers minor injuries. Most of these are small enough to fit easily in a side pocket of most gear bags. I won’t go over everything I think you should have in this basic kit, but here is one which I would recommend as it contains a bunch of what you need, and it has features which can be very helpful:
What is great about this kit:
- Red Bag with a reflective stripe so it’s easier to locate in lower light settings.
- Fold out sections and zipper pockets so its easy to find things quickly and keep organized.
- Comes with medical shears – somethings a lot of rope tops recommend having around.
- Has supplies which cover not just cuts, bites, stings and abrasions – but also has gear to help with a little more serious mechanical injuries.
- Great price point for a basic kit.
This is a great start and will cover the vast majority of players out there and what they need in a kit. One note though, many of these types of kits do have some supplies which expire over time. Put on your annual to do list to inventory your kit and replace items you have used or have expired.
For those who might need gear for more serious injuries look at the type of play and match additional supplies to those risks. Here are a few examples-
Fire Play- extra ice packs, sterile burn bandages, and extra gauze.
Knife Play- pressure dressing, chest seal, and a coagulant pack and/or coagulant gauze, CAT tourniquet (or similar).
Rope Play- rescue hook, extra ointment for abrasions, extra gauze, kinesthetic tape.
CNC and Primal- Kinesthetic tape and finger splints.
Whips (as in a serious single tail)- Antibiotic ointment, superglue, and butterfly closures.
Just some examples (I know there is a lot more you super prepper kinksters), and to many of you these may sound like overkill. For most of you it would be. But penetrating wounds can happen during knife play. Sweat drips onto a slick floor, the foot slips a bit and out of reaction the Top tries to catch themselves. That knife could wind up where it wasn’t intended, in either of you. Better to be prepared than not. Knives may be a cool thought for you newer rope tops….. until you try to get it between the skin of your bottom and the rope in a hurry without cutting them badly. Oh, and test it out on a spare piece of rope so you know how it works.
Don’t build a foot locker full of medical gear, unless that’s your kink😉. You’ll hate it and you won’t take it with you when you should. A smallish kit with what you need is best. Stick to items you know how to use.
Lastly, make sure you are protecting yourself. Pack extra rubber or nitrile gloves in your kit and a pair of safety glasses. Sure, you and your bottom may already have each other’s cooties…… but it may be someone else at the club who gets injured and you are the only one around with a decent kit and the knowledge to use it. Plan accordingly.
- Practice
Like anything else in kink, when it’s happening is the wrong time to be googling how to do it. Take some time several times a year to go over what to do if someone gets injured. Not just you Tops but bottoms also. Practice on each other how to apply a basic bandage; what to do in case of a burn etc. We all like to think that after we go to a training the knowledge will always be there. IT WON’T.
Make the effort to refresh what you learned so if something does happen and people are freaking out around you putting you are under additional stress; what you need to do comes back to you without a herculean effort.
You would not use a single tail on someone without having practiced on a pillow regularly would you? Same principle.
Lastly, do not let your knowledge, kit, and practice make you overconfident. Things may happen which are beyond our ability to handle alone. Yes, there is risk in going to the hospital or calling an ambulance but its better than someone being permanently maimed or worse.
- Keep it Handy
Not in the car; not in the closet; not in another room………
Handy! Like within reasonable reach.
Depending on the scene I keep my kit either next to the kink furniture I am using (where I won’t step on it) or in the gear bag within a few steps. I make sure that anyone I am playing with knows exactly where it is before play starts, and if there is a dungeon monitor, I inform them also.
When you need it, you need it. Enough said.
- A Few Extras Which Are Nice to Have Around
Although not exactly first aid items, these can come in handy for different things if you have the room:
A bottle of water to wash out cuts or rinse abrasions.
Bug spray and sun screen for outdoor play. Mosquitos and sun poisoning can ruin an otherwise great outing.
Small pack of Kleenex for addressing small things that you don’t need a band-aid for like shaving cuts.
Pain killers such as ibuprofen or paracetamol.
- The Pay Off
Having good knowledge of what to do in case of injury prompts us to assess risks in play more carefully making it less likely we will seriously injure someone. Knowing first aid and having a kit is not just a cure, but a means of prevention.
Being prepared in mind and with kit gives us the ability to prevent minor injuries from becoming serious ones; helps us recognize more serious injuries quickly; and potentially prevent an injury becoming life threatening. Practicing on each other builds our confidence and makes it more likely we will respond appropriately if an injury does happen.
Yes, this is going to take your valuable time, effort, and a bit of coin to do right. But so does practicing kink and we do that without blinking. Why wouldn’t we make the effort to protect the most valuable of assets, each other. Being prepared is an investment in ourselves and our partner which should not be overlooked or taken lightly.
As I said before…… When you need it, you need it. Enough said.
Here are some other resources which might be helpful:
Wilderness First Aid (nols.edu)
First Aid for Bruises, Abrasions and Other After Play Marks – Submissive Guide
Sexual Safety Kit – Submissive Feminist
BDSM — blossom’s Suggestions for a First Aid Kit (evilmonk.org)
Dungeon Monitor Kits – The DM’s Tool Bag (devianceanddesire.com)
Video: Bloodplay: Stigma, Fear and Play on the Edge
Curious about edgier kinds of play?
Turned on by blood?
Then, check out this riveting video by Evie Lupine!
Bloodplay: Stigma, Fear and Play on the Edge
Predators Can Have Great References
Predators don’t violate everyone they play with. They need people who can honestly say “oh, yeah, it was great”. They need people who will be a good reference so they can find and groom new prey.
New prey. That would be you.
No one is going to give you the name of someone they’ve violated.
No one is going to give you the name of someone who will say “oh, yeah, him…he’s going to pee in your mouth after you tell him, vehemently, that you don’t want him to do that.”
No one is going to give you the name of someone who has accused them of consent violations, which are the people you’d WANT to hear from. Or, you think you do. Some people hear negative stories and think “Gosh, what if those people are exaggerating? It couldn’t have been that bad.” We see them posting every time someone pops up with their horrific story of abuse and consent violations.
They’re going to give you the names of the people they did NOT violate. You know, the ones who post “he played with me lots of times and I never had any problem” on those same writings.
Let me tell you what, but this serial predator is smarter than you.
He knows he’s smarter than you are because he picked you carefully. He’s had his system in place for YEARS and probably was watching you for months waiting to make his move. Yes, some predators are opportunistic. We’re talking about the patient planner here, the one who will wait for you to walk willingly into his arms.
You aren’t the first victim and you won’t be the last because (let’s face it) you WON’T go to the police. You’ll be too embarrassed, regardless the hurt done to you. Almost no one files charges, let alone sees it through to final verdict.
“But he had such great references!” Of course he did. He made sure of it.
Maybe you should spend the time getting to know them rather than jumping in with both feet because someone you don’t know said “yeah, he’s a great guy.”
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She has over 30 years of experience in SM play and d/s relationships. She is aan award-winning author who has written three “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty eight fiction books. Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828 She enjoys crocheting and diamond painting, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.
Video: When My Boundaries Were Crossed During Bondage
Consent is key! Respecting boundaries for ourselves and others is paramount!
With this being said, check out this informative video by the fabulous Evie Lupine!
My Boundaries Were Crossed in Bondage. Here's What Happened.
Video: Submissive Brats And How To Tame Them
Interested in Brat taming?
Then, check out this awesome video by Depraved Eros!
